#i am realising things and thinking stuff | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fuck-off-im-ace · 1 year ago

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Starting to think that maybe it's alright if you don't live up to your full potential. Yeah, maybe you could do great things, go to university, get that promotion, apply for that fancy job, become a published author, a recognized artist. Maybe it's alright to just. Not do that, too. Not because you can't. Just because you don't want it, or don't need it.

Maybe it's alright to have great potential and never live up to it, for no good reason. Just because you don't have to.

#i am realising things and thinking stuff #like #maybe other people are not better than me just cause i didnt achieve what we all know i could achieve #not cause i cant #or dont want to #just cause #i dont have to #maybe we should stop saying to people they have a great potential #just saying #i dont think its normal that my teacher tells me i have great potential and i get war flashbacks of my parents sitting me at the diner tabl #cause it was time for that chat about how disapointing i was #maybe kids shouldnt have to feel like that #just a thought

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gingermintpepper · 5 months ago

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This is taking forever to finish but just in case I lose my nerve and don't finish the other parts (which happens more often than you'd expect) I did want to post the one finished panel of this little interaction!

Hyacinth is a very pouty guy but he's having fun, he's just bad at showing it LOL It's really hard for me to keep motivation up, especially when doodling digitally but this, at the very least, is something I really enjoyed doing♡♡♡

#ginger draws #apollo #hyacinthus #apollo x hyacinthus #hyapollo #digital art #I also really want to do a rendition of that one Dunmeshi meme floating around with Athena and Ares LMAO #There's a tiktok couple thing floating around that I saw comps of that inspired this drawing btw #there's a cheek smoosh and a reveal left to do but I am already running out of stamina LOL #Idk I might just post the sketches if it hits the weekend and I realise I've lost motivation #I won't be too broken up about it though this is just how it is since my artistic stamina is so low for this stuff lmao #hehe thinking about Hyacinth's pout <33

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eyewyrm · 5 months ago

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noel and identity loss...

trying to articulate why it feels wrong to call him charlie, because thats still him but at the same time not.

he's changed and things cant go back to the way they were, noel took up a new name one to remember but also to move on

i don't think noel is a fake name to him more so just a new identity he's taken up as an extension of himself. or at least someone he's rebuilt himself as after the dreamlands. i don't think he's discarded charlie as an identity but that he just has two names that are both very real to him, however just one of them is more in the forefront than the other so he'd be unused to his old name being used.

but i also think that he'd feel extremely disconnected to his old life and name that it would be uncomfortable and feel wrong for him, might feel that his past is catching up to him or maybe he'd be afraid that if he stops using noels name he'd be abandoning him in some way

or just using the name as an escape from the king in yellow who likely would've called him by his original name

i recognise this is like probably nothing at all but it is rotating in my brain and i need to get it out, i love saying shit and being completely incoherent

#may be hard projecting but i think that noel wouldn't respond to charlie on instinct #or at least wouldn't realise that he is the one being called #maybe he'd jump or flinch at the name but wouldn't perceive it as being him ; it'd just be a name he'd recognise #me with my not-dead-deadname that i use for government stuff because changing legal name is complicated #and it's not like i entirely hate my original name since it's already genderneutral all things considered but still feels so WEIRD #i can deal with being called it but it's just not ?? who i perceive myself as?#DOES THIS MEAN ANYTHING??#anyway taking up the name of someone/something that is important to you is core transgender experience right #i'm normal and i have normal thoughts about characters i enjoy #i am just saying things and people can agree/disagree with whatever they want btw i love making thigns up #detective noel #malevolent

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 8 months ago

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questioning sexuality is so exhausting

#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason #someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage #and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk #but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself #i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it #and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately #this isn't entirely related but it kind of is #like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know #i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are #queer stuff tag #i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as #the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing #ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded #also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him #i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know #i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever #care for me #now im rambling. sorry

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n0bluev · 5 months ago

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@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔

#your reblog surprised me #THREE BUNS SUGURU (STAR WARS ER JUST FOR YOU!)#theyre covering riko or smt and smuggling her places (??)#drawing this i was like ‘oh suguru’s curses in a star wars environment should be robots and stuff #so this suguru is a mecanic (he makes them from scrappy parts people have thrown out #and trash materials (and hard work 😎)#diy pokemon #because what is the cursed energy people are letting out if not junk theyre letting go of #so yeah ; basic geto takes shit and turns it useful #i do realise thats already very generic for star wars (junk robots junk robots!) but like. yknow. this guy takes shit people wouldnt bother #trying to sell. miam. junk of the junk. geto my favourite recycling bin you were designed for a luxurious lifestyle clearly (gege not me!)#(and stuff…………. but im lazy to put my vision in words rn hah..)#gojo’s probably a princess #(let’s not lie. hes basically a prince already (clan heir is a different look on him))#this made me want to write ?.??#problem is i dont remember much about star wars (watched it as a kid (we have the cds) appart from the very basic storyline… i forgot 😔#then theres the jawa’s first appearance cuz for some reason they scared me and i am marked for life (THEYRE JUST SILLY LITTLE GUYS 😭😭))#thankfully i lowkey want to rewatch everything so these issues can be fixed #(unthankfully either way the chance of me writing anything is very slim BUT WE NEVER KNOW RIGHT)#(hashtag diverging your attention from that other older post is it working /j/j)#omg glo i still didnt read balance (i think of it from time to time but im intimidated to read it because i know its right up my alley and #that i will love it and lately idk why but i need to ready myself emotionally to read peak fiction (this is so dumb but its true 😭😭))#my bad im rambling lol #WAIT FUCK SAME THING FOR BUNNY’S RECENT THINGY THAT GOT IN MY AO3 UPDATE MAIL #A LOVE STORY TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF A THIRD PARTY MY BELOVED #(itsg ive searchef for these types of stories in advanced search before #AND NOW THAT I HAVE SOME BY AUTHORS I ALREADY ADORE .. IM- I SEE THEM BUT. THEIR CONTENTS STAY A MYSTERY. IS THIS MY BODY SUBCONSCIOUSLY FI #FIGHTING THE TEAR LOSS I WOULD GET??? IS THIS MFING [BALLING-MY-EYES-OUT] PREVENTION !? WITHOUT MY PERMISSION..!? TCH!)#my bad. ramble again o7 — see ya glo !#wip

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deus-ex-mona · 7 months ago

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sena 🤝 yujiro

older siblings (who see themselves as unreliable) who look out for and love their (relatively aloof) younger siblings unconditionally

#finally relistened to shortleg song off the clock and finally realised why i thought the vibe of the song felt so familiar lmao #it’s just watashi no tenshi with extra steps (pun not intended) isn’t it #imagine what the someya bros’ relationship could’ve been like if longleg hadn’t pitted them against each other in kabuki man.#this is all your fault longleg you need parenting classes :(#i’ll be waiting for the someya bros duet hw—#though come to think of it i wonder how mona and shortleg would interact in canon #lock yujiro and sena together in a room and they’ll probably talk about work and stuff all professionally.#lock mona and koichiro in a room together and they’ll stay in there trash talking yujiro for hours… maybe #now i wanna see shortleg become mona’s partner in yujiro-related crimes lmaoooo what if he ‘stole’ *that* cd from yujiro upon her request #or maybe they’ll be honest with each other about their feelings for their older sibs #like a ‘my older bro/sis is sooooo irritating… but i love ‘em and support their careers anyway’ kinda thing #now i wonder what shortleg would’ve been like in honeypre (rip) i want him to talk to ken too…#man. this sure was a pointless post. i think i need more sleep. gnnnnnn (it’s 7.30 in the am)#染BODY ONCE TOLD ME—

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huellitaa · 4 months ago

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odd and offputting and pink and pretty 4 life

#why do i keep putting all my coolest lines in the tags.#what!!!!!!!!!!!!!#like evefy time i come up with pure GENIUS #and i just sit and think. wait this is actually good #its ok ill post them instesd !!!!#i never realise just how far my genius extends until i am placed face to face with it #in battle. with a sword. fighting to the death #going through the tags on my posts is a rollercoaster of emotions like #i am so sorry to anyone who reads these #theyre basically just my thought process that i couldnt fit into the actual post cuz its not cool and snappy #thoughts ୨𖹭୧ #girlblogging #it girl #wonyoungism #girlhood #pink pilates princess #girly tumblr #this is what makes us girls #girly stuff #girlcore #girlworld #girl things #girl therapy #girl code #girl talk #hyperfemininity #hyper feminine #princess #pink blog #divine feminine

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ahalliance · 2 months ago

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how do i turn qantoine’s spontaneous marriage proposal to qetoiles into evidence of his early-days fear of qfrench drifing away and keeping secrets from one another

#the conversation takes place in antoine’s vod: L’ANNIVERSAIRE DE TALLULAH at 41 mins ish #like . okay . its such a fucking crazy moment to me that still lives in my head bc it’s a a joke . but it’s also not #he asks etoiles directly after spiderbit wedding . ‘don’t you want to get married?’#after it gets mentioned*#etoiles turns him down bc he ‘doesn’t have time to fuck [he] needs to kill everyone’#and antoine says ‘well but— just a marriage’ like it’s the act itself that is the most important to him not anything that could come with it #the confirmation of partnership . of having someone to rely on . something that feels to him maybe more certain and solid than the #friendships antoine had at that point . like if he felt things were slipping and he was being left behind he wanted the certainty of #something like a marriage that is traditionally considered More important and certain .#and i think the end of their conversation is notable in how antoine brings up the notion of betrayal — he getting betrayed by others and how #he’s fed up with it . after etoiles says no to the marriage (though specifying that he’s gonna think about it) antoine brings the whole #betrayal thing up after a pause . he doesn’t necessarily consider etoiles as having betrayed him but it’s that lack of certainty #certainty that etoiles has refused to give him that makes him start to open up about how he’s tired of people promising him things (or #seeming to promise him things) only to leave him out and in the dark . and there’s an insecurity there that really shines if you take this #moment into consideration with the Larger Shifting his character is going through .#like tldr ; qantoine has begun to realise that his friends are starting to form deeper bonds with other people and thus keep secrets with #them which to him means leaving him behind . taking notice of this he brings this up to his friends in . not exactly direct ways . he #talks about how he doesn’t like secret keeping but doesn’t seem to push much further and he also tries to remedy the issue #of feeling left behind by doing shit as discussed above ^ however on account of the InHuman i’m not sure he understands what he’s doing very #well . and as we know antoine doesn’t make much progress and ends up retreating into himself and beginning to keep his own secrets . to do #his own shady shit . to work in the shadows and not be honest with any of his friends either . to hold them at arm’s length despite how much #he still cares . the only person he puts his full trust into anymore is pomme . not ayp who he deems too underhanded . not bagz who he sees #as having started the whole ‘secret keeping’ stuff in the first place . and not etoiles who’s actively going down a path with the codes and #resistance that he cannot follow #that was NOT a short tldr . why the fuck am i writing dissertation length tags about MINECRAFT BLOCKS #god whatever who cares i get joy out of this thats what matters #anw if you read this far holy shit ur insane . thank you #i am going to bed now godbless !#jay rambles #qfrench.posting

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thedreadvampy · 1 year ago

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The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.

It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.

#red said #i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life #my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me #like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy.#anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is.#but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was #like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it #i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen.#I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles #and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences #and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma #obviously microtraumas build up but still.#then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma #is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING #told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip #and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain #until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position #and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific #and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with #like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex #out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage?#and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh #so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea #that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting.#like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.

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faaun · 4 months ago

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ok let's catch up quickly

#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth #(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian #like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told #him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive #fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research #(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux #to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him #my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept #insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them #and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating #apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they #keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading #this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY #JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT #NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn #this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore #i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt #himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure #even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin #right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love #her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her #its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking #kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD #i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society #feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO #WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best #its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good #one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much

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coldercreation · 7 months ago

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brb about to go down a research rabbit hole lol

Question of the day!

Why is showing ‘disinterest’ such prevalent thing when it comes to building friendships and relationships?

I have talked about this here before in my rants lol, but it just always frustrates me. Like, you know those arbitrary ‘rules’ in dating that you shouldn’t show too much interest or get in touch too soon, or be too ‘intense’ or interested? Like, obviously don’t be a stalker and read the room etc, but I mean if you're just a regular and safe 'well-adjusted' person, why is you showing genuine effort and interest seen as a bad thing (I don't mean love bombing, that's a whole different thing)? If you genuinely like each other, why is the social rule saying that you shouldn’t show that? Same goes with friendships, why is showing interest in the person you want to get to know sometimes, somehow, a bad thing? To a point that some people can get put off by that effort someone is showing to get to know them? Not saying everyone is like this, because I know there are so many people who aren’t. And plenty people also disregard these social rules because they aren’t actually concrete rules.

This is just a social construct and I’m trying to figure out why it is, because it seems counter productive? By what logic does it work? How are you supposed to make friends/date, if them showing interest in you makes you exit the relationship/ghost/breadcrumb?

How long are we supposed to only talk in one line texts about surface level stuff, to avoid being too much/too intense, before it’s acceptable? How do you know you’re following the same social timelines with the people you’re trying to get close to, when there’s no actual set rules? Someone might think you have to wait three days after a date to get in touch, but someone else will get offended if you take longer than two. But the next day or the same day is too desperate to some folk? And I'm talking about this from the point of view of someone who doesn't have trouble reading social cues/expectations. Can't even imagine dealing with this mess if that wasn't the case. Like what's the point of having these 'rules' if it just makes things more difficult for everyone? :')

These rules, technically, don't need to exist at all. It's all made up, based on... Something? We can always dismiss them ourselves but I'd like to know why they came to be and why we keep upholding them. I want to know the social purpose y'know? Is it a safety thing? Protecting yourself and not wanting to be vulnerable? That'd be valid, of course. But it does seem self sabotaging as it blocks people from actually making the connections they say they want to have?

I’ve been trying to find any research on the social behaviour regarding this, but I’m not sure what to even look up lol. Especially because I think the way we interact and behave has changed so much just in the last five years even.

I just find it so curious that there’s so many headlines about loneliness epidemic, but people also recoil away from others when someone does show them genuine interest and wants to talk to them.

I’ve had this initial ‘disinterest’ stage happen in the friendship context more. Also sudden, out of nowhere, communication ending/ghosting disinterest when trying to make friends (like please hurt my heart some more I beg u lmao). I haven’t really dated in the last few years so I don’t personally know how that field is at the moment, but I know ghosting is really common and people actively try to hold back from showing interest at first, even if they are reallyreally interested.

Maybe I’ll try looking more into the effects on social media etc, there’s a lot about ghosting in that context. But I just feel like it’s not quite what I mean, because I feel this disinterest phenomenon thing is separate from ghosting.

Anyway! Happy Sunday loll xx

#blah blah blah #xx #Or is this just me?? Like do you know what I mean with this?? Lmao :")#Not me writing a whole dictionary #and then realising that maybe I'm just an oversensitive butt #reading into things too much #and it could just be me lmao #but tbf #trying to make friends as an adult is a rough time!!#I have some now but holy shit I hate that shit #I legit feel like a damn golden retriever with the way I always just inherently like everyone until they give me a reason not to like them #Like everyone's just a friend I don't know yet ??#And then I had times when I'd get confused #when people would be friendly but then suddenly just ghost mid-convo #It was a couple of years ago but happened a few times too many for it to be just a coincidence #As in - I couldn't keep thinking 'oh they have their own stuff that has nothing to do with me'#So I had to accept it was something about the way I acted or talked etc #Still not 100% sure why #But I also found pals who don't seem to mind anything about the way I am so I dunno what the deal is #I think I'm embarrassing myself with these tags lolll #Maybe I'm just annoying and my current friends are able to tolerate it lmao

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averlym · 1 year ago

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HI I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE INTO ADAMANDI HOLY SHIT. Can’t believe so few people know about this masterpiece of a musical

:OOOOO hai i agree it is criminally (haha yknow bc there are crimes..) underrated!! and really brilliant!!! discovered it literally midway through the week and akdfjgsjhdsjhjgdf