#i am not diagnosed but perhaps there are signs

[malacandrax]

im fine, totally neurotypical.

[sirfrogsworth]

The Testosterone Report

I'm going to use this post to help document any changes I notice as I begin TRT.

For those who missed it, I was diagnosed with crucially low levels of testosterone which have been causing serious fatigue and brain fog issues beyond my already present serious fatigue and brain fog issues. I used to only have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Narcolepsy fighting each other to make me tired. But the universe decided I could be even more fatigued than I already was. Going from being in bed about 20 to 22 hours per day to being in bed 24/7 for the last 2 months.

So, here we go...

12/16/24

I had two very intense nightmares. I know sometimes people get nightmares, but these felt very different. And I'm pretty sure they were manifested by my body adjusting to the T.

I also had another very obvious sign of increased testosterone. I struggle to talk about sexual things. I grew up very repressed. But hopefully we are all adults here and I can talk about this maturely without it being a big deal. I'm just tracking my progress and this is relevant information concerning my treatment.

That said, I had 2... incidents.

Yeah, I'm going to need a codeword for this so I don't feel so awkward talking about it.

I had 2... hormone-induced hard-ons.

Which we are going to call HI-HOs from now on.

Because we are adults and very mature.

I haven't had any issues getting a HI-HO with low T. The equipment always worked whenever I tested it out. I just was severely lacking in interest. Which I blamed on stress and anxiety and age.

These 2 HI-HOs were completely spontaneous and occurred without any stimulus. They also felt more... enthusiastic. So I was confident they were actual HI-HOs and not just run-of-the-mill HOs.

Or ROTM-HOs

--End of Report--

If I can be honest about something... I think I ignored my diminished libido for a long time because I preferred it. I am very lonely and I don't have much chance of ever changing that. I will never have the energy required to be in a healthy relationship. I tried several times and could never make it work.

So I liked not having to deal with that aspect of daily living. I liked having my thoughts clear and unmotivated by sex. And I'm not entirely sure I want my libido to return, so I think I ignored it as a possible symptom.

But I can't live with this much fatigue and lack of concentration. I can't finish sentences. Communicating with the people in my life has become very difficult. And the one thing I enjoy the most and find the most relaxing is editing photos. This past week I have struggled to find the concentration to edit anything at all. If I have to put up with a bunch of HI-HOs to keep my most important creative outlet, so be it.

I did hear back from a therapist. I will hopefully be starting in January. Perhaps I can figure out how to deal with this particular matter. It was nice to not have any sexual frustration for a while. But I think finding better coping methods is probably the best way to go.

[poppitron360]

Lost Trio Week- Day 1: “Wilderness”

@lost-trio-week

GLEESON HEDGE, STATUS REPORT 09/07:

As reluctant as I am to be posted at this backwater dumping ground of a school, I am pleased to inform you that I have been keeping a close eye on the new students here.

No clear suspected Half-Bloods yet, but I’m still getting adjusted to the smell of this place. I’ll sniff ‘em out sooner or later, don’t you worry.

GLEESON HEDGE, STATUS REPORT 09/21:

A particular girl has caught my eye as a potential demigod. Name’s Piper Mclean, daughter of famous movie star Tristan Mclean. Daddy paid a lot of money to shove her here. Known kleptomaniac, has a scary-good way with words. Last week, she suggested a specific place to shove my baseball bat, and she sounded so persuasive I was almost convinced to do it… I didn’t, though. But I almost did. Powerful stuff.

No mother that we know of, which is a good sign. Probably dyslexic, too, if her worksheets are anything to go by. I’ve put her through the wringer in gym class, and she’s lasted well. Indications of enhanced speed and strength.

I’ll keep an eye out for any others, and will report back soon.

GLEESON HEDGE, STATUS REPORT 09/30:

I’ve been watching closely to see who Mclean keeps company with. Demigods tend to gravitate towards each other.

She’s made friends with this delinquent boy, Leo Valdez. Mother died when he was small, has spent the last seven years between foster homes, correctional schools, and the missing persons’ registry. No father on record. Diagnosed ADHD. Definite Half-Blood smell.

He’s a smart one- got a good knack with gadgets. He reprogrammed my megaphone last week. He’s also a troublemaker. Him and McLean are always up to mischief, doing my goatly head in. I fear Cabin 11 should get a bunk ready.

In other news, I’ve started to sniff the scent of a monster, perhaps masquerading as one of the students. But it could just be the axe body spray some of the kids wear. When can you get me outta here?

— — — — — — — — —

GLEESON HEDGE, MISSION LOG 12/19:

Today, I woke up in a canary cage.

Jason, Leo, and Piper have apparently been on this valiant mission to rescue me from the clutches of the storm spirits. With their top priority out of the way, the four of us are now on a quest to rescue Hera.

After me and Jason bravely fought off King Midas (back from the dead, by the way), narrowly escaping danger within an inch of our lives, we made it safely to the riverside, where we are now attempting to douse Mclean and Valdez who have been unfortunately gold-ified. More to report soon.

— — — — — — — — —

GLEESON HEDGE, MISSION LOG 07/18:

One month into our voyage on the Argo II. Iris messages are becoming few and far between as we get further and further away from home.

I spent my day helping Valdez with one of his damned “projects”. He’s been all over this ever since he found those Archimedes stuff under Rome. I don’t understand it.

Kid’s been anxious. I can tell. I can’t blame him, considering how much he’s got on his shoulders. I know he feels guilty about what happened to Percy and Annabeth. I’ve been trying my best to console him, but I think he thinks it’s pity. The best I can do is help him out with his stuff, keep him smiling, and make sure he remembers to eat.

Jason and Piper saved me a job today, as they came in at around midday with some food for him. The three of them really seem to care for each other. In my 107 years of living, a sight like that is always nice to see.

I patrolled the deck in the evening, with the help of the Di Angelo boy. He puts on a mean exterior, but he’s a sweet kid, and was eager to help me out when he saw me patrolling on my own. I’m not as skilled an empath as some of the other Satyrs at Camp, but it doesn’t take much to feel the waves of pain coming from the boy. After going through Tartarus on his own, and then being trapped in that jar… I can understand why he acts closed off. I would, too.

It won’t be long until we reach the House of Hades. Soon, this will all be over.

— — — — — — — — —

Dear Chuck,

You are one week old today. I look into your eyes, and I see so much joy, so much wonderment, so much love for the world. I hope you never come to know how cruel life can be.

Today, I went to a kid’s funeral.

The aftermath of the battle hit both camps hard. Many demigods lost their lives. A few of them I knew, a few I didn’t. One of them struck me more than most.

As I watched the shroud of the Half-Blood I’d sworn to protect go up in flames, I thought about that joy, that love for the world in your eyes. Leo Valdez was a brave boy, but I could tell he’d had a hard life. I never want you to experience the pain he went through.

There’s talk he might still be out there. I’ve heard rumour that the Seven managed to acquire a physician’s cure, but I’m sceptical. I don’t think anyone could have survived that explosion, not even a son of Hephaestus. But Leo’s a fighter. He’s strong, and I just hope he’s strong enough to make it through.

He gave up his life only a few hours after you were born. He was only sixteen, and even though that’s a lot compared to our lifespan, it’s still so young. Too young.

You will grow up in a safer world because of his sacrifice. I want you to remember that.

I was his protector. And I failed him. I promise I will not fail you.

Love,

Papa xxx

— — — — — — — — —

Dear Clarisse,

I’m not sure if you’ll get this with coms down, but the primitive mortal postage system seems to be a bit more reliable than the usual forms of contact. I did manage to receive your letter last week.

Yes, Mellie is recovering nicely- now four months post-partum! Little Chuck has begun teething (so if this letter is a little chewed up, that’s why). He’s hitting all his milestones and is well on his way to being a healthy little boy. You should see his little face when he tried tin cans for the first time!

On a sadder note, the search for Valdez still turns up nothing. Piper’s close to giving up, but Jason, bless his bleating heart is still adamant that the boy’s out there. If you ask me, it’s putting a strain on their relationship. They’ve been fighting more and more. I’d be surprised if they make it ‘til Christmas.

I wish I could be a glass-half-full kinda goat, but as it’s been four months since Leo disappeared, and with no sign aside from that initial message, I hate to admit it but I’m losing hope. And I can’t help but feel like I’m responsible. I was his protector. I could’ve done more to stop it.

There’s something suspicious going on over here in Southern California. Jason and Piper are looking into it, but until we know more, there’s nothing I can really report.

Work as Mr Mclean’s life coach is same as usual.

How is University of Arizona? Are you blending in with mortals enough? If anyone gives you crap, I can beat them up for you.

Lots of Love,

Hedge.

— — — — — — — — —

GLEESON HEDGE, STATUS REPORT 04/02:

Jason Grace is dead.

If Grover managed to get home before this letter did, you probably already know.

Leo Valdez finally made it to us, with news of the siege at Camp Jupiter. It’s not looking good. Apollo is heading over there to fight.

Leo seems relatively unharmed considering his brief death.

That’s now two demigods that have died under my protection, despite Valdez’s resurrection.

I will be escorting the Mcleans to their new residence in Oklahoma, and will continue to serve under the guise of Mr Mclean’s life coach, keeping a close eye on Piper and Leo while they’re away from camp. After the war and the fight with the Triumvirate, I don’t think they can take any more onslaught from monsters. I’ll keep them safe, don’t worry.

— — — — — — — — —

GLEESON HEDGE, STATUS REPORT 09/01:

I saw Leo and Piper off on their first day at New Rome University today.

I’m glad we got that minor issue of having blown up the city out of the way in time for Valdez to start his freshman year. That kid’s got a bright future ahead of him.

Sometimes I hate being an empath. There was a bittersweet aura around us all, remembering the friends who never got to make it this far.

Nobody said Jason’s name. But I could feel it.

I’m glad these two get a second chance. A chance to keep living. They’re lucky that way.

I hope they do okay there. I really do. I’m gonna miss those two.

Now that they are securely out of harm’s way in the city, I think it’s safe to say that they are no longer under my protection.

And I think it’s time I retire.

— — — — — — — — — — — —

Happy Lost Trio Week!!!

Day One and off to a great start! I am so excited for this week and can’t wait to read all y’all’s fics and see your fanart when I get back from Hiatus.

Some bits with the timeline are probably wrong. I went of Fandom Wikipedia as there’s not much Coach Hedge stuff across the books, but they don’t deal in exact dates (I had to write the dates the wonky American way for the sake of realism but just know that it pained me to do so).

Thanks to @demigod-shenanigans for helping me out with this. The hcs really helped.

I love Hedge. I really do. And I think his relationship with the Lost Trio is super sweet. He does care for them, despite how much of a liability he seems. The fact that Leo died the same day his kid was born is never brought up.

Something a little different to what other people might be doing, I hope. I know it’s not “technically” lost trio but Coach Hedge is the unofficial 4th member and he doesn’t get enough recognition. And showing the Lost Trio through his eyes was quite fun.

@euryvices-deactivated20241019 @deciduowl @lavenderfairiez @ottpopfic @ginnyluna @groverapologist @echo-stimmingrose @keefessketchbook @sleepyycapybara @123letsgobestie @kaleidoskuls @fairytalesociology @four-leafed-queer-gal @child-of-helios @green-tea217 @puzzled-pegasus @twomanyfandomshelp @lokiwiiiiiii @yoshuko-ew @frayna-of-the-hollow @via-rant @daonedaonlyskh @hadeslegacyhephgirl @siimplyapril @pjowasmy1stfandom @thetourturedwritersclub @m-for-now

[patricia-taxxon]

Furry and therian broadly overlap, even though both groups try to deny this. Like, the furries don't want to be associated with freaks who actually think they're animals, and the therians don't want their deeply held personal identity to be reduced to just a fandom or fetish. However, just from orbiting around furry spaces for as long as I have, I am convinced that basically all furries are also therian.

When I first started toying with the idea of identifying as something inhuman through a furry lens, a lot of annoying therians told me that what I was experiencing is not just being really into furry stuff, it's a sign I was never human to begin with. I don't really understand this impulse, it felt like just the same thing. Are you going to diagnose every furry with therianthropy? I mean, you probably could, but it's not a distinction worth splitting hairs over.

My therian identity IS kind of fandom-like in its conception, like I do think I reasoned my way into it somewhat. I was made to feel inhuman by my upbringing, but I could have landed on many different metaphors. I think part of species dysphoria and my intermittent phantom tail/ear phenomena is really a manifestation of wanting this metaphor to come true. This is the reason I've felt a little alienated by therian spaces, I felt like I was being smothered with the reading that I literally had a non-human mind, and that doesn't make sense to me. "Dog" is an externally defined category, if I'm anything, I am a human's idea of what a dog is.

All that being said, this doesn't diminish the importance of my identity. I'm really starting to think that one of the main boundaries you need to break in order to be happy is to erase the distinction between "i identify as" and "I AM." Like maybe you don't just love and relate to that character in your favorite manga, maybe that's you. Perhaps, you were the fursona all along.

[bluegekk0]

I've been in such an emotional slump lately. I fear that I upset my friends without realizing and now every interaction I feel like they're mad at me. It's like every time we chat I get the impression that they're annoyed with me, I keep thinking they're being sarcastic and trying to tell me to shut up in subtle ways, but I'm scared of asking cause what if I'm overreacting like I usually do? I just hate it so much. I feel like I'm such an exhausting person to be around and a little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me it would be better for everyone if I distanced myself.

And I'm also fighting really hard against the idea that people in general are getting bored of me. I know engagement is not everything, I know that drawing for myself should be a priority. It makes me happy, and I draw what I love BECAUSE I love it. But it's so hard for me to not hope for validation and feedback when I've been compared to others all childhood. And it stings so much when a drawing I'm super happy with maybe doesn't perform as well as I hoped (at least compares to the number of people who follow me). I don't know if it's not reaching people here or if it's just getting too repetitive for people to care anymore. Or perhaps people see my self-reblogs as desperate and get discourages from interacting for that reason? Maybe they're right for that.

I've also been looking into and educating myself on the experiences of autistic individuals since I suspect I'm on the spectrum, and I do relate to many of them, plus every test I take indicates that I might be autistic. So in theory, self diagnosing would help, right? I could stop worrying that I'm broken somehow or a failure of an adult, and just accept that my brain simply works differently and maybe even be more kind to myself. That sounds good. But then the doubts keep creeping in. I don't remember if I showed any signs in my childhood, I barely remember anything from it. So what if I'm wrong, what if there were none, and I'm just overanalyzing symptoms or even faking them? How can I consider myself part of the community if there is a chance I shouldn't be there at all? What if I'm just lazy, what if I'm an introverted, anxious loser who put themselves in this situation by being incompetent at everything, now trying to find excuses?

I don't know. There's so many exhausting thoughts that have been dragging my mood down for the past few days. And I guess I'm just waiting for it to pass since I'm so scared of actually going out there and getting help.

Well, there goes another oversharing session. I usually feel bad talking about this with my friends cause I don't want to put them under the obligation to respond. And with how terrible I am at responding to their struggles (not that I don't care, I'm just so, so bad at responding to emotions and putting my thoughts into words that don't make me sound robotic) it often feels too one sided. So I guess this is a way for me to scream into the void and give people a choice if they want to ignore it or respond. I could just write it down in a diary or something, but part of me is hoping that maybe this experience resonates with someone and I'd feel less alone. Or maybe I'm simply just desperate for advice or validation that would feed my ego.

[astroyongie]

⋆.ೃ࿔*: Messages From Dead Love Ones ⋆.ೃ࿔*:

NOTE: Hey guys ! I am finally weekend and have the time and the right energy to do this reading. However I need to make disclaimers so please read thoroughly before engaging with the reading

This is a reading for people who have lost loved ones. I have tried to channel with energies, so please keep in mind that maybe you might not feel attracted to any pile or if you do and the message doesn't make sense then it wasn't meant for you

The readings contain the appearance or who the person was and the message they have.

BE AWARE! some of the readings mention the way of death and thus there are TWs.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ Into the reading ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

Close your eyes and breath. Let go of everything. once you feel ready look to the piles and chose the one that is calling you.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

.𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Pile 1: Amethyst .𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑

Appearance/ Who they are: 

I channeled 3 persons for this pile

The first one is someone who passed from disease. It happened fast, without notice (the disease) and the family had to prepare themselves for it. This person foresight their death, they knew the moment they were diagnosed that it would be their end and deep down they have accepted it. I feel like this person could be older, but honestly whatever resonates with you. I also have water sign energy either in sun or rising, but this could be trivial to only some of you. 

The second person was someone very clever, someone who had high studies, that were well educated and from a good family. I can’t really know what they have passed from, as they only gave me their identity which was very important to them. There’s Aquarius energy, however again, this is trivial only to those who resonate. 

The third person is someone who died unexpectedly. Probably an accident (could be a car, at work, suicide as well or any type of accident really that took their life. They haven’t given me much info about who they are since they were pretty much in bad shape when they died. 

Message: 

Your person wants you to move on, you to make peace with yourself about their death. They don’t want you to keep sorrowing for something that was inevitable and written in the stars. They feel very bad that you are putting so much energy into things that are no need for. Move on, that’s what they want. 

They miss you so much but they are also already in light. They aren’t stuck between the veil and they have already moved on with their energy for the beyond so that’s one of the reasons they don’t want you to keep worrying about what they are, how they are. They are okay, they are with loved ones and in peace. 

The little bird is significant because this person tries often to reach to you through a bird shape. Whenever they want you to feel reassured they appear next to you In such form, so be attentive to your surroundings. 

.𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Pile 2:  Eye of Tiger .𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑

Appearance/ Who they are: 

I channeled 4 persons for this pile

This person is someone who died in a foreign country. This could be an immigrant person or perhaps someone who went on vacation and met their ending or even a soldier. I feel that for one person here this could be someone who died on an airplane. I got here fire energy as well.

This person here is somehow heartbroken, this could be someone who was an ex to you (either romantic or friend or even someone of the family that you didn’t speak to). But one thing is sure, they loved you much. 

Interesting, this energy is filled with financial value but they are also someone close to family. For many this is someone from your family, perhaps a grandparent, uncle or even a parent (most were financially well). They were someone who taught you so much and they have died before they could give you everything they had 

The last person I channeled was also someone from your family, but contrary to the other person, this was probably someone masculine, with a lot of authoritative energy. They had also a lot of money but they didn’t use it for the good. They were for you, someone egoistic that only cared for themselves. 

Message: 

The message is simple and even if you don’t want to hear it or believe it, they want you to know that they are proud of you, they are proud of what you have achieved and proud of everyone in your family (so if you have anyone in your family that is still mourning them, please tell them, that they are proud of everyone). They listen to your prayers, to your thoughts and they wish they would have had more time on earth by your side

.𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Pile 3: Black Obsidian .𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑

Appearance/ Who they are: 

I channeled 3 persons for this pile

They were someone sick for quite a while and they had to go through so many transitions that they have left their identity behind (I sense cancer here for some). They have suffered a great deal, they had so many memories and emotional baggage with them and even at their end they weren’t able to fix everything before leaving. 

Okay, this is interesting, here we are speaking of someone who died while having dementia (could be any type of dementia syndrome, to be honest, from Alzheimer's to Body of Lewis, to mix dementia). They were just there, roaming aimlessly in life while their mind was already disconnected and navigating into other worlds. They passed without pain, or at least they don’t remember having pain 

The last person I channeled was someone who had eye problems, some could be blind or have big issues with their sight. They also suffered from dementia and mental confusion so it’s interesting that most of the people with this condition came to me through the Black Obsidian. 

Message: 

They want you to know that they are okay. They have suffered so much while on Earth and how they have found peace and they just want you to know that they are okay. They enjoy the fact that you guys still think of them every now and then, but they want to make sure that even if they will always be by your side that you know that they are okay!

.𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Pile 4:  Aventurine .𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑

Appearance/ Who they are: 

I channeled 4 persons for this pile

Here we have a woman, a strong one, someone with wit, independent and unbiased by everyone and everything. This was a very important figure in your life, maybe a mother, an auntie or your grandma. They are quite funny yet very stern in their energy 

The second person is probably someone who has passed on a car accident or at least on anything that involves automobiles in general. They didn’t see it coming, it just happened and they died shortly after if not in the same moment. 

A loved one here, for many, this could be a spouse, someone you have loved romantically or it could also be a sibling you were ever close with. In any case you love this person and this person loved you (and still does). 

The last person I channeled for this pile was someone who suffered from terminal illness and death was just there awaiting for them in the corner. They didn’t fight much their illness, they knew they had to die and they wished to do it with dignity. 

Message: 

They want you to talk to them, to tell them about your day and your life. They have left the world too soon and are kinda of sad not to be able to live and experience things so they want you to sometimes talk to them about your days so they can cherish and feed on that energy 

Most of these energies come to you in the form or course of warmness. They try to connect with you through warmth, so for example, if you suddenly feel a warmth touch or have burning ears, that might be them 

These people have also tried to talk to you through dreams, and while some of you might dream of them others still haven’t found the right moment to do so. Invite them in and also tell yourself that they are there to protect you against the terrors of the night. They try to send signals to you through dreams 

And finally, they want you to be positive about life. They know things aren’t easy and life sucks, but so does death. They haven’t been able to experience all the pain and all the love, and they wish you to live to the fullest and to be happy 

.𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Pile 5:  Aquamarine .𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑

Appearance/ Who they are: 

I channeled 2 persons for this pile

We have here a woman who passed away, someone who lived with many issues inside the house. For someone, this could be a woman who died at their husband's hands or they would be someone who during their life had multiple issues with their husband. I don’t know how they have died, but their death feels heavy and sad 

The other person channeled is probably a friend of yours, someone you have known in school, university and for someone even at work. But it was someone who liked you a lot and you both had an amazing connection before they died. 

Message: 

The message is pretty clear and many people around them are still mourning their passing. If you aren’t mourning them anymore, they are. And if you are still mourning them, well, they are mourning themselves as well, because they think their death wasn’t fair at all. But it was necessary for them to move on. They are with you through these periods and they want you to know that they listen and share your pain. This is an energy that still suffers and will need some time before traversing the veil

.𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Pile 6:  Carnalian .𖥔 ݁ ˖🔮₊ ⊹๋࣭ ⭑

 Appearance/ Who they are: 

I channeled 3 persons for this pile

The first one is a loved one, again this is a very close family so a parent or a sibling or anyone you consider family but it can also be a boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse or someone you loved very very much with such a strong and deep connection. 

The second one is someone who has died from mental illness (so suicide or overdose is probably the main event of their death). They have suffered so much during their time on the earth and gosh the energy is just so heavy that it makes my head go fuzzy 

The last person channeled was someone close to you, that had much success in their life but they never had the opportunity to actually live through their success because they have died way too young 

Message: 

They are scared that you will forget about them, that you hate them for the fact that they left you. They want you to know they are sorry but also that they are still here for you and that you can still talk and count on them. They are just so sad and so frightened that their memory will fade

Communciation is really the key, I feel like these energies really want to connumicate with the persons they left behind because of guilt they have in their heart. It’s so heavy that I cannot read it properly (it’s also many people). But basically, they want to reach out 

[lemonnsss]

Moral of the Story: Chapter 9

A/N: Sorry I took so long posting this, a family friend got diagnosed with terminal cancer and my grandpa died soooo… coping with humor right now.

Feedback is always appreciated!

MotS Masterlist

Taglist: @vicmc624 , @mostlymarvelgirl,@yvonneeeee, @beetlejuicesupremacy , @moonlightreader649 , @whattheduckisupkyle , @chrisevans-realwife , @nekoannie-chan , @mrsbarnes32557038 , @imyourbratzdoll , @weallhaveadestiny, @oldsoulmagic

Word Count: 2.3k

Steve and I walked onto the bridge. Three people stood out, with no sign of Tony.

"I see you found the runaway," the red-haired woman spoke.

"They weren't too far off. Only the other side of the plane." Steve replied, an air of laughter in his voice

"Well, it wasn't intentional," I said, perhaps a bit too defensively.

"At least I'm not the only one getting lost." A brunette man commented.

"Guess not. Oh- I'm Mr. Stark's secretary, Mx. Eirsson, Kyrie Eirsson."

"Eir? So you are a healer, no?" The tall blonde said expectantly.

"No, not really." I'm starting this off with a lie, lovely.

"Ledan Eirsson, I am Thor, son of Odin, Prince of Asgard." He extended his hand, a warm smile on his face.

"Prince...?" I worriedly glanced at Steve.

I looked back when Prince Sunshine over there started laughing, "Yes, although I would prefer if you called me Thor, just Thor."

"Pleasure to meet you, Thor."

Steve placed a hand on my shoulder, "That's Natasha," he gestured to the redhead which she promptly responded to with a curt smile, "she doesn't talk much."

And then there was one. He didn't notice until Natasha nudged him in the side.

"Oh, um. I'm Dr. Banner."

"Pleasure to meet'cha, Doc." A sound came from under the table, Steve quickly found a tablet with what seemed to be live footage from Loki's cage.

By the time I heard the first comprehendible piece of what Fury was saying my attention was grabbed by the hatch underneath Loki's cage being opened.

"Thirty-thousand feet down in a steel trap. You get how that works?" Fury closes the hatch with a press of a button on the control panel.

Fury outstretched his arm, gesturing to Loki, "Ant," then pointing to the control panel, "boot."

Loki smirked, "It's an impressive cage." he looked into the camera, "Not built, I think, for me."

"Built for something a lot stronger than you."

"Oh, I've heard."

The doctor seemed very tense, for what reason- I didn't know.

"The mindless beast, makes play he's still a man." Loki sauntered towards the camera, "How desperate are you that you call upon such lost creatures to defend you?"

“How desperate am I?” Fury set a hand on his hip, agitation growing in his voice, “You threaten my world with war. You steal a force you can’t hope to control. You talk about peace and you kill ‘cause it’s fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did.”

“Ooh. It burns you to come so close.” Loki began taunting Fury, “To have the Tesseract, to have power, unlimited power.” Loki smirked into the camera, “And for what? A warm light for all mankind to share, and then to be reminded what real power is.”

Fury forced a smile, “Well, let me know if ‘Real Power’ wants a magazine or something.”

Our room falls into an uncomfortable silence.

Fury walked away saying, “Well, let me know if ‘Real Power’ wants a magazine or something.”

“He really grows on you, doesn’t he?”

"Loki's gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what’s his play?”

Thor seemed distant as he responded, “He has an army called the Chitauri. They are not of Asgard or of any world known.” The Prince walked back to the table, “He means to lead them against your people. They will win him the earth. In return, I suspect for the Tesseract.”

“An army? From outer space?” Steve seemed to question what the fuck he’d been dragged into.

“He’s building another portal. That’s what he needs Erik Selvig for.”

Erik who?

“Selvig?” Why does Thor recognize this guy's name?

“He’s an astrophysicist.” The doctor explained.

“He’s a friend.” Thor asserted.

“Loki has him under some kind of spell, ”Natasha looked away, “along with one of ours.”

She really does speak. More importantly, she’s familiar with the agent Loki brainwashed.

“I wanna know why Loki let us take him.”

“I don't think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you could smell crazy on him.” Banner was pushing it.

“Have care how you speak.” Thor said, anger rising in his voice, “Loki is beyond reason, but he is of Asgard, and he's my brother.”

So the Prince is a himbo with a temper, good to know.

“He killed eighty people in two days.” Oh.

“...He's adopted.” Ah, yes. That changes everything.

“Does he pose any threat? Just because he’s in a cage doesn’t mean he’s harmless.” I didn’t know if I’d just asked a dumbass question but it’s better to ask than have that as an unknown variable.

“No. There’s no way out from the inside, besides that, it’s built to withstand more than he can throw at it.” Natasha answered, seemingly knowing more than the rest.

“Iridium, what did they need Iridium for?”

Tony walked in, “It’s a stabilizing agent. Oh, Kyrie, been lookin’ for ‘ya.”

“Hey, Tony. Coulson?!” I got up and walked over to them, a beaming smile plastered on my face, “I had no idea you’d be here!”

Phil placed a hand on my shoulder, “I would have let you know if I had a way to contact you.”

“Guess I’m chopped liver.” Tony feigned hurt, before whispering the next bit, “Anyways, I’ll fly you there. Keep the love alive.” He spoke at full volume again, “Means the portal won't collapse on itself, like it did at SHIELD. No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing. Also, it means the portal can open as wide, and stay open as long, as Loki wants.”

Tony walked over to what I can assume is Fury’s position on the Bridge, “Uh, raise the mid-mast, ship the topsails.” The crew looked at Tony like he’d grown a second head, “That man is playing GALAGA! Thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.” Tony covered one eye and looked around, “How does Fury do this?”

“He turns.” A female agent responded.

I looked at Phil, a light whisper escaping my lips, “Who is she?”

He leaned in, “That’s Agent Hill, sh’s Fury’s right hand.”

“Mhm… thank you.” I gave him a small smile.

Coulson grinned in response, “Never a problem.”

“Well, that sounds exhausting,” Tony said in the most annoying voice he could get away with. “Agent Barton can get his hands on pretty much easily. Only major component he still needs is a power source. A high energy density, something to kick start the cube.”

Agent Hill spoke again, “When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics?”

“Last night.” That I could attest to, “The packet, Selvig's notes, the Extraction Theory papers.” It’s always funny when Tony speaks seriously, most of the time I forget he’s a genius, “Am I the only one who did the reading?”

“No, you made me read them too.” I said with a pointed tone.

“Anyone else?” Tony said practically ignoring my comment.

“Does Loki need any particular kind of power source?”

“He's got to heat the cube to a hundred and twenty million Kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier.“

Ah, yes, words.

“Unless, Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the quantum tunneling effect.”

“Well, if he could do that he could achieve Heavy Ion Fusion at any reactor on the planet.”

Wow, those two were made for each other.

“Finally, someone who speaks English.”

Steve looked around, “Is that what happened?”

Tony and the doctor shook hands, “It's good to meet you, Dr. Banner. Your work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.”

Banner looked down, “Thanks.”

“Dr. Banner is only here to track the cube. I was hoping you might join him.” Fury says as he walks in.

“Let's start with that stick of his. It may be magical, but it works an awful lot like a HYDRA weapon.” Steve had an obvious bias and curiosity.

“I don't know about that, but it is powered by the cube. And I'd like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys.”

“Monkeys? I do not understand-”

“-I do. I understood that reference.” Thor was cut off by Steve, obviously excited by the fact he understood some of our jargon.

“Shall we play, Doctor?” Tony asked.

“Let’s play some.” Banner responded.

After I waved to Phil I followed Tony and the doctor out of the bridge, hoping to not get lost again.

I had been sitting in a spare chair in the “Science Bro’s” lab for what felt like an eternity. Man, I regret not taking advanced science courses in uni.

“The gamma readings are definitely consistent with Selvig's reports on the Tesseract. But it's gonna take weeks to process.” Bruce, as I had learned, said.

“If we bypass their mainframe and direct a reroute to the Homer cluster, we can clock this around six hundred teraflops.” Tony replied.

The two of them had gotten into a groove. The sounds of the machines whirring in the background made great background noise, so I couldn’t really complain.

“All I packed was a toothbrush.”

“You know, you should come by Stark Towers sometime. Top ten floors, all R&D. You'd love it, it's candy land.”

“Thanks, but the last time I was in New York I kind of broke...Harlem.”

“Well, I promise a stress-free environment. No tension. No surprises.” Tony said as he poked Bruce with a mini-taser.

“OW!!”

Tony studied Bruce for a reaction, “Nothing?”

Steve walked in, “Hey! Are you nuts?”

Tony ignored Steve,” You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?”

“Is everything a joke to you?”

“Funny things are.”

“Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn't funny.” OH, HE DID NOT, “No offense, doctor.”

“No, it's alright. I wouldn't have come aboard if I couldn't handle pointy things.” God bless Dr. Bruce Banner.

“You're tiptoeing, big man. You need to strut.”

“As someone who used to work with far more dangerous people, and teach them too. I concur.”

“Kyrie?” Steve sounded surprised, “And you need to focus on the problem, Mr. Stark.”

“You think I'm not?” Tony pulled out a bag of blueberries from god knows where. “Why did Fury call us and why now? Why not before? What isn't he telling us? I can't do the equation unless I have all the variables.”

“You think Fury's hiding something?”

“He's a spy. Captain, he's the spy. His secrets have secrets. It's bugging him too, isn't it?”

“Can’t argue with Tony this time.”

“Uh...I just wanna finish my work here and…” Bruce fell silent.

“Doctor?”

“‘A warm light for all mankind’ Loki’s jab at Fury about the cube.”

“I heard it.”

“Well, I think that was meant for you. Even if Barton didn't post that all over the news.”

“The Stark Tower? That big ugly,” Tony shoots Steve a glare, “...building in New York?”

“It's powered by Stark Reactors, a self-sustaining energy source. That building will run itself for what, a year?” Bruce turned to Tony.

“That's just the prototype. I'm kind of the only name in clean energy right now.”

Bruce looked back at Steve while pointing to Tony, “So, why didn't SHIELD bring him in on the Tesseract project? I mean, what are they doing in the energy business in the first place?”

“I should probably look into that once my decryption programmer finishes breaking into all of SHIELD's secure files,” Tony mentions offhandedly.

Steve looked shocked, “I'm sorry, did you say...?”

I let out a breathy laugh, “Yup, it’s at least a weekly occurrence.”

“Jarvis has been running it since I hit the bridge. In a few hours we'll know every dirty secret SHIELD has ever tried to hide. Blueberry?”

“Yet you're confused about why they didn't want you around?”

“Oh, no. He’s fully aware, he just finds it funny.”

“An intelligence organization that fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome.”

“I think Loki's trying to wind us up. This is a man who means to start a war, and if don't stay focused, he'll succeed. We have orders, we should follow them.”

“Following is not really my style.” Tony ate a mouthful of blueberries.

“And you're all about style, aren't you?” Steve said, smiling.

“Of the people in this room, which one is; A. wearing a spangly outfit, and B. not of use?” Tony retorted.

“Steve, tell me none of this smells a little funky to you?” Banner tried to push Steve to think.

“Just find the cube.” Steve said before he walked out.

“Well, that went splendidly.” I laughed from my seat. The benefits of being a third party.

“That's the guy my dad never shut up about? Wondering if they shouldn't have kept him on ice.” Tony looked over at me only to be met with a glare.

“The guy's not wrong about Loki. He does have the jump on us.”

“What he’s got is an ACME dynamite kit. It's gonna blow up in his face, and I'm gonna be there when it does.”

“And I’ll read all about it.”

“Uh-uh. You’ll be suiting up like the rest of us.”

“Ah, see. I don't get a suit of armor. I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare.”

“You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart.”

“And I knew a kid who could turn himself into a nuke.” Both of the men in the room looked at me, confusion written all over their faces.

“O-kay? Moving on. But you can control it.”

“Because I learned how.”

“It's different.”

“It doesn’t have to be. Not forever at least.” I tried to add, though they seemed to be stuck in their own world again.

“Hey, I've read all about your accident. That much gamma exposure should have killed you.”

“So you're saying that the Hulk... the other guy... saved my life? That's nice. It's a nice sentiment. Saved it for what?”

A moment passed, “I guess we’ll find out.”

“You might not like that.” Banner sounded scared, scared of himself and scared of whoever the ‘other guy’ was.

“You just might.” I trained Tony well.

[donnerpartyofone]

Maybe if I write this down I will get it out of my system and actually get some work done:

I decided to do a little year-end correspondence today, which would have included finally answering an email from an old college buddy who found me on LinkedIn (a red flag actually, but anyway). At that time, months ago, I sent him a quick email, and soon I received a lengthy reply detailing what seemed like everything that had happened to him since 2008. I felt overwhelmed. I don't mind a long letter, but a lot of it seemed to be a list of impressive professional achievements, and I couldn't figure out how to respond. The honest version of an in-kind personal update would be to say what a hopeless case I am, and how I found out through plenty of trial and error and a handful of abusive relationships that I'm not really meant for anything except struggling, but I managed to prevent myself from dumping all of that on him. With that stuff off the table, though, I couldn't think of anything to say at all, and I let it languish. Today I finally felt guilty enough about it that I re-read his letter with the intention of replying, and then I realized that this person is probably sort of insane.

I mean not to be so glib about it, but it was already a little weird for him to be sending this epic biography to someone he doesn't really know that well. We got along in college, but obviously we didn't stay in touch; I always thought of him as this sort of downtrodden Charlie Brown type of character, someone I liked but was never close with. His letter made it seem like he'd gotten his shit together in a big way since then, and you know, bully for him. But then I began to absorb what his letter really said, once I felt less overwhelmed, and like...it didn't seem good. There were these weird pieces of information that he sort of floated without really explaining himself. The last thing I knew was that, despite being sort of a self-pitying sad sack, he managed to land this terrific girl we knew, who I guiltily thought was too good for him. She had tons of great qualities, but was terminally insecure and I think in a lot of pain...so maybe they had a lot to offer each other on that level, it was none of my business. But in the guy's letter, he describes breaking up with her and writing an essay about it that won some literary prize; he says she found out about it, which seems to have this dark connotation, but doesn't say anything about what the consequences of that might have been. He just reiterates that he won a big prize, and moves on.

Well, he sort of says something else about it: Perhaps inevitably, he provides a breakdown of all these mental conditions he's diagnosed himself with over his long journey of self-discovery, including PTSD...which he assigns to a bizarre childhood injury. About which he provides no details. He just says that getting physically hurt as a kid made him permanently distrustful of the world, and that's why he broke up with his girlfriend, because the stress of the childhood injury made him afraid of intimacy. But he doesn't say that he was abused as a child, or in a dramatic accident, or that like, maybe his parents were checked out and neglectfully left him alone to hurt himself, or maybe, I don't know, they were poor and had physically dangerous circumstances...all he says is that being injured made him mistrust the world, and I guess that's why he's kind of an asshole today. Huh.

Then he explains how Trump and the pandemic were really great for him because adversity helped him find out who he is -- I think that's what he was saying -- and that's a bad sign in and of itself. During the past, uh...bunch of global crises that have seriously affected lots of people's lives and safety, I've noticed certain individuals using these mass events to get attention for themselves, and this inclination to make a catastrophe all about YOU is something I've learned to watch out for. Anyway, then he gives me his whole detailed political and sex/gender taxonomical breakdown, none of which contained anything really radical or novel, but I have a personal aversion to that kind of thing. I'm more forgiving of it in younger people, I guess, but I think there's something pathological about hyperactively putting every aspect of your existence in these little diagnostic boxes. It's simultaneously like, you want to be part of a club instead of just being yourself, AND you're wearing all these little egotistical badges of identity -- it's the thrill of taking a Cosmo quiz writ large, and you're insisting that everyone take it Very Seriously. This is not a good sign.

So I'm trying to figure out what I can possibly say to at least honor the fact that an old friend wrote me a long letter, and I think maybe I should read his prize-winning essay about breaking up with my other friend. And man, that was like...mainly a litany of complaints about her without any real understanding of who she is. There's like half a sentence devoted to the fact that she's very depressed and afraid she's wasted her life, and a bit more than that devoted to the fact that she drinks -- at which point I was thinking, well Jesus Christ WHY WOULDN'T SHE. The whole essay is about him visiting her at New Year's, being extremely cold to her, complaining about everything, showing zero interest in the obvious pain that she's in, and then waxing poetic (pilfering lines from actual writers) about how he can't wait to break up with her. And I mean, at least somewhere in his letter to me he suggested an awareness that he wasn't totally fair to her, but separate of his problems, I was bothered by the idea that this thing won him a literary prize. I mean I don't know if it was a big one, but they gave him a bunch of money, and it just seemed so symptomatic of what people always say about the literary world: that it disproportionately rewards young men who guiltlessly celebrate their own worst qualities. Even if the writing isn't very good, apparently.

When I had finished the email, I thought back on how I had almost written him this whole thing about being a worthless nobody, and then I thought, Man you do not deserve to hear about what a bad person I am! I mean this is probably exactly what he did to our mutual friend who was too good for him, getting her to be vulnerable about her self-esteem and then just dominating her. I'm not really mad at him, I feel sort of sorry for him on some level. But I don't think I can subscribe to a regular feed of these kinds of narcissistic confessions. It took enough of my energy just to write this like processing post, in order to NOT write him back. I've made the mistake of giving the wrong person attention before, and I don't think I'm going to do it again.

POSTSCRIPT I just realized that maybe there's an even better reason for me not to keep this contact going. In college there was a very awkward, drunken moment where I gave him this whole speech about how he shouldn't be so down on himself, or let other people push him around, because he's really a catch for a whole list of reasons. Unfortunately I think this was very confusing and taken as a sexual overture. It was kind of my fault for being extremely, historically obtuse about what men will interpret as an invitation to fuck, but at the same time this is a problem a lot of men have; you know, they act all lonely, and then you show them some understanding, and it turns into, "If you aren't gonna fuck me then why are you here." Not that this turned into a whole thing, but it definitely created a weird atmosphere, and then I started looking back on different micro-events, like...I didn't date much in college (or ever, really, and while I am picky I'm also just not very desirable), and then later in life when I finally had a boyfriend this guy made some remark about how he wanted to meet the boyfriend because he was confused about what kind of guy I would go out with, or something. Which is sort of a weird thing to express, like he needs to meet my boyfriend because he can't picture who I would choose to fuck? And then in his recent email he mentioned something I didn't remember, that when he got his big literary prize he had to go to a ceremony in the city, and he invited me to hang out at his hotel because he felt so alone among (and morally superior to) the rich lit world people. He seemed to want me to know how disappointed he was that I didn't come, but I sort of thought, Why me though? We had a lot of friends in the city, and I'd say he's closer to most of them. That's a little weird. He knows I'm married now, but I'm starting to feel like there could be something a little off about this aggressive bid for attention. Ugh, worrying about unwanted attraction is such a gross thing for women, it's like you either sound totally egotistical and like you're accusing someone of lechery, OR you try to play it cool and casual and it turns out you were wrong and now you're in a huge amount of trouble for being nice without giving out sex. Anyway, luckily I don't have to factor that into my decision to drop contact with someone who I cannot both speak to honestly AND make him feel like the things he says are cool.

[multiplicity-positivity]

I'm suspecting that I may be a system, but sometimes I'm just not sure because I don't always have clearly distinct people taking control of my body. a lot of the time, I have no clue who I am and if I feel like this body fits me. it's almost like sometimes looking in the mirror feels downright wrong, like that's plainly not ME. but sometimes it just feels a little off, or hazy. is this normal, or is it a sign that I'm not a system?

Hello -

Even in our system (diagnosed DID), we cannot always tell who is fronting and do not feel like fully separated, distinct entities with solid identities and sense of self 100% of the time. We regularly deal with blurriness, brain fog, identity disturbance, and depersonalization, which can all lead to feeling confused and uncomfortable existing in our own body. Many members of our system cannot look into a mirror at all without panicking. For our system, these are aspects of our lives we have had to learn to live with.

Experiencing this haziness or discomfort regarding the self is, to our knowledge, a common experience for many systems (whether or not they have a dissociative disorder). It most certainly is not a sign that you are not plural or a system. Although it is true, many singlets may experience these symptoms without being plural. It will ultimately depend on the individual, their experiences and self-perception, and the labels that they choose to use that best describe themselves.

For our own system, it took some time spent attempting to get to know each other before we were able to recognize our individuality during switches. Therapy was immensely helpful during this process. We did have a few alters who have always been more-or-less confident in their individuality, but for many of us, it took some time working together and actively learning about ourselves to discover what made us unique as parts. Not all systems may work or function in this way, but some do.

We will share a link to a post we have made compiling resources on depersonalization and derealization - two dissociative symptoms. Perhaps learning about these symptoms can help you understand whether or not they are something you experience for yourself.

At the end of the day (I’m parroting my alters here, but it’s true) if you feel comfortable using the word plural, if you feel like a system and find that the framework of multiplicity works for you, then you are welcome to identify that way. Whatever helps you understand yourself best and live a happy, healthy life. And there is nothing wrong with testing out labels, questioning, or misunderstanding your own identity. You’re learning and growing, and that’s what matters.

[libraryledge]

Consider The Whole Story (A Commentary On Fandom)

If you tell someone that you are a fangirl or fanboy, they might give you an odd look because of the connotation of being nerdy or obsessive. As a self-proclaimed fangirl of many topics, I can tell you with certainty there is more than meets the eye. I was a shy girl who found comfort in the Wizarding World and can vouch for people who, like myself, use their love for their favorite films, shows, and music to face the mental and physical battles of their own world.

When I stumbled across the Harry Potter books on a rainy day in middle school, what attracted me the most was not the spells and potions, but the camaraderie of the Golden Trio. As someone whose family moved regularly, making friends was difficult, but reading about how Harry, Ron, and Hermione treated each other as equals and supported one another’s ambitions gave me hope to find friends of my own. Truthfully, I spent many lonely lunch hours reading the books and eventually discovered the joy of fanfiction (#romioneforever XD). However, being part of this community was a beautiful experience because I eventually met people who also found joy in the adventures of misfit wizards and pushed me to write original stories that I dream of publishing someday. 

This story isn’t unique to myself however because I know people who have used their involvement in their fandom to build their identity. A childhood friend of mine was obsessed with animation and shows like Phineas and Ferb (something we had in common). Truthfully, for sixth graders who are trying to be cool this might not be the key to being popular. However, he was always drawing and had his mind set on becoming an animator. I am proud to say that now, he has worked as a graphic designer for well known music artists and is striving to share his art with a larger audience, something that he told Swampy Marsh, the co creator of Phineas and Ferb, when he met him in person.

Perhaps the love of fandom is inherited because a story that highly resonates with me is from my aunt who used fandom to help her overcome the darkest period in her life. As a young adult, she was diagnosed with anxiety. There were days when it was difficult to get out of bed, but the one thing that kept her company was the music of her favorite singer. Her lyrics spoke to my aunt and helped her clear her mind when it felt as if it might burst. One day, she heard on the radio that the singer was going to be at an album signing about 20 minutes away from her. Mind you, my aunt hadn’t driven very far in a significant period of time, but she knew she couldn’t let that opportunity pass. To this day, she tells me the story of how she drove on the busy highway and was one of the first in line to get her CD signed, something that she treasures to this day. 

Fandom may be scoffed upon by those who don’t understand that it isn’t solely about cosplay and conventions. While these elements are fantastic, there is more to it. People scoff at the boy who knows Taylor Swift lyrics by heart, but they don’t know that those songs helped him cope with a difficult family life. They laugh at the girl who treasures Pokemon cards, but perhaps those cards were a gift from someone she lost. Others tease adults who watch Steven Universe, but they do not understand that this show helped them feel seen as a queer person. Fandom has the power to impact people’s lives. There are many published authors who started off as fanfiction writers and reporters whose first exposure to media management was running online fan accounts. Everyone’s experience is different, so before judging someone’s passion or dismissing it as nonsense, remember to consider the whole story. After all, fandom is not a weakness. It is our strength.

[goblinsstolemybrain]

oh, that's why...

So, I was in two minds about sharing this. But I do like to overshare, so this is kinda on brand (although I usually do it in person, so internet oversharing is fun and exciting new territory). I decided to post it in case anyone finds it useful.

I'm 40 (how did that happen??) and I've struggled with being a person for as long as I can remember. Last week, I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety.

Finally, almost everything makes sense.

I'd been on the fence about going for an assessment for years. This was mostly because a) I didn't want to waste anyone's time (WTF?), and b) I figured I'd lived this long without knowing, I may as well continue (also, WTF?).

In the end, impulsivity won out (hello, ADHD!), and one day I just signed up to do an assessment privately rather than waiting for years through the NHS (this was another reason why I didn't want to go down that route - waiting is not my thing). When the assessment was done, I joked that my ADHD wanted me to know that I had ADHD.

If you're in the same boat as I was, I wanted to share what a difference a diagnosis has made. And this is even before starting any medication or therapy.

I feel validated.

There are so many things where I've had a lightbulb moment and announced "oh, that's why!". My struggles with time, getting organised, impulsivity, humming, stimming, sensitivities to light and sound, difficulties with verbal instructions, sleep issues, inability to focus, ability to hyperfocus, etc, all make perfect sense now.

I can also start looking into treatment and coping mechanisms to try to make my life a little easier when needed.

I feel in control. (for perhaps the first time ever)

I feel like I have permission to be kind to myself when I am struggling with things many people find easy.

But, on the flipside, I also feel sad.

If I'd been diagnosed sooner, would my life have been different? Would my academic journey have been different if there was support in place? Would I have left high school at 16 because of burn out, or would someone have supported me to do A-Levels? (I ended up doing a BTEC in Graphic Design at a college, so it wasn't all bad!). Would I have gone to university at a younger age, rather than waiting until I was 30?

These are all questions that I will never know the answer to. Maybe my life wouldn't have been different at all. Perhaps this is the path I was always supposed to take. And, to be honest, I'm doing alright (even if I do struggle).

Even so, I feel like something has been taken from me. So, I'm giving myself permission to mourn that for a little while.

So, if you're anything like me, and you're wondering whether or not to go for that assessment, please know that there are two sides of the coin. With that said, I feel like I made the right choice. I'm confident that this feeling of sadness will fade over time... and if it doesn't, I'll use it to fuel my creative projects. I don't know whether that's healthy or not.... Either way, there will be goblins!

[randomfoggytiger]

ok I was gonna ask about your charlie scully one (still am I guess lol) but I must know your thoughts on the autism question, a while back there was a fandom-wide twitter spat over whether or not mulder and scully were autistic, and I was leaning against it but that was before I figured that out about myself, and most of my moots are in favor of it, and idk really what to think lol so your insight would be much appreciated🙏🏻 (also if I wasn’t so goddamn busy I would do all of that research for you lmao)

You should do it!! Even if one day my project comes to fruition!

My leanings on the autism question: no. But I'd have to prove or disprove my own theory if I wrote up that post; and in order to do that, I'd have to have a clearer understanding of the diagnosis, its symptoms (and symptoms that are commonly misdiagnosed), and its identifiable characteristics.

The "problem" is: the new understanding of autism and other disorders are now framed on a spectrum. In order for me to break down the topic, I'd have to ingest lots and lots of autism content from clinically licensed professionals and hear what they look for, broadly, when forming a diagnosis; then, I'd have to search up what the fandom perceives Mulder and Scully's autistic traits to be; then, I'd have to compare and contrast the strength of each claim; then I'd have to balance the whole. Currently, I'm ingesting new autistic creators that are breaking down barriers of what autism is perceived to be (and that's been helpful); and I have a few other licensed professionals I'd need to catch up on (one who even has the diagnosis herself.) In short: tons of layman research.

More importantly: who would be interested in my post, realistically? I don't have doctorate (or training), for one. Second, it's a rather popular thought that Mulder or Scully have some sort of diagnosis (besides trauma-- canon agrees with that one.) The rule dictates everyone has a right to their own opinion; and since that's the case, where would my post fit in?

Realistically, the 90s FBI wouldn't have recruited Scully out of medical school if they suspected she had autism. Mulder perhaps, but only because of Bill Mulder's (or CSM's) connection. There's a program just instituted (2021) by the Feds that is working on recruiting people with autism into their pilot program. And according to studies I've learned about from autism creators (that they've gleaned from the professionals), a neurotypical brain automatically senses something "off" or "different" about a neurodivergent brain, which can lead to ostracization (or bullying in children... and adults.) 90s Scully would have had to learn to mask her autism so well that not only was she never diagnosed but she attracted the attention of the FBI recruitment office-- not a small feat for a woman in the 90s-- and was able to keep it through their very strict recruitment circuit. (Fyi, the man who inspired "Catch Me if You Can" tried to get in with a law degree and was still turned down.)

Also, Mulder and Scully face back-to-back stimulating environments; and go right back to work without time to decompress (which is a feat nearly unachievable.) I'm not an expert-- far from it-- but the common denominator I'm finding from professionals and diagnosed individuals is that overstimulation is a key factor in autism. To varying degrees, yes, but still. Overwhelm and meltdowns are parts of the diagnosis that have to be factored in. Anecdotally, I've read one person who states she becomes better in high-stress situations than her peers because of her hyperfocus; but she seems to be an outlier (I presume.) I'd need to do more research on differing degrees of overwhelm and meltdowns (not everyone manifests overwhelm or a meltdown in the same way, of course); but since the field is still swamped with more information regarding "stereotypical" autism (a.k.a. boys who show the most extreme signs), it would take me a bit to narrow things down even more.

Lastly, we can all probably agree CC didn't write Mulder and Scully with an autism diagnosis. He definitely gave Mulder PTSD in the Pilot; and Scully's trauma from her abduction was written in later. The personal theories branch off from there; and, again, in order to finalize a perspective one way or another, a licensed professional would probably have to watch the show (or more than one season) and make a conclusion; otherwise, my "research" could be written off as another form of headcanon. And since professionals are professional, they'd probably abstain from forming an opinion either way.

Thus, the scales have been put before you: time requirements and lukewarm reception weigh against it; putting my ideas out there for me and the mutuals to puzzle over weigh for it.

[totally-sick-blogger]

Disability representation in Bob's Burgers

This is going to be a long post so buckle up and perhaps grab a snack

I am neurodivergent and physically disabled and Bob's Burgers is one of my two special interests so I feel very qualified to talk about this so let's just dive right in

In ~ my opinion ~ Bob's Burgers is one of the best shows overall in terms of disability and LGBTQ+ representation. Still, Today we'll be focusing specifically on disability rep and I'll be breaking it down by character and we'll be discussing both canon and implied disabled characters.

Tina Belcher - Tina is headcanoned by many (including myself) as being Autistic, as many of us autistic people find her extremely relatable and a lot of her symptoms to be obvious. She has a very hard time making and maintaining friendships with people besides her siblings, she does not understand most social situations, all of her "friends" besides Zeke are mean to her but never realize that they're being mean to her unless Louise points it out. She also displays heavy and intense interest in horses, and romance, which many see as her special interests. She also frequently stims both physically and orally; this is especially prevalent when she's in situations that she finds stressful. She's also known not to understand jokes or sarcasm (there's literally an entire episode with this as a running side plot, see season 7 episode 15) she also frequently tries to act like someone she's not and pretend to take interest in things she doesn't actually like in an attempt to make friends (see season 13 episode 14). There's also an entire two-part episode where she's a robot who's pretending to be human which was meant to be an allegory for her masking and she and Bob have an entire song dedicated to them feeling like they're unlikable and not knowing how to be "normal" and I find it painfully relatable and it has me in tears every time I watch that episode (season 12 episodes 21 and 22). The common argument against Tina being autistic is that within the first 5 minutes of the very first episode, there's a joke about Tina being autistic and Bob says "You're not autistic Tina" but my argument against this is that the Belcher family canonically does not have much money and getting diagnosed is very expensive. (also the entire family is very neurodivergent so it wouldn't shock me if no one in the family noticed that she was autistic)

Bob - Bob displays a lot of the same behaviours as Tina but also tends to be portrayed as the classical undiagnosed adult autistic man. He also has a strong tendency to personify and give names to objects such as his spatula; this however can be a sign of autism or childhood trauma which we also know that he has as it's showed and explained on many occasions that his childhood wasn't super great since his mother died when he was a young boy and his dad was not great at parenting and was showed to care more about his restaurant than his son.

Linda - Linda again is the classic undiagnosed adult auDHD woman. She's very hyper-active, and tries really hard to control situations but not in a malicious way. she needs everything to be perfect all of the time and takes extreme measures to make that happen which usually wind up making the situation worse (see season 1 episode 7)

Gene - Gene (in my opinon) clearly has ADHD. He's forgetful, can't get himself to do activities that aren't of his immediate interest, day dreams a lot and his very very extroverted. (Though not all ADHDers are extroverted). He also has a very hard time with rejection sensitivity which is common in people with ADHD.

Teddy - Teddy is the Belchers best customer and close family friend. He also displays symptoms of autism but on a more "severe" level than other characters mentioned. He eats the exact same thing for lunch every day at the exact same time, and literally has a breakdown if that changes without warning. He also has no social skills, is easily manipulated and has strong attachment issues particularily towards Bob and Linda. Also he's a hoarder but I'm not sure if that's relevant to this.

Gayle - I'm not really sure what's going on with Gayle or where to start with her but she definitely has some stuff going on in her brain.

Jimmy jr - Jimmy jr has a speed impediment and often displays his frustrations with his dad who wants him to go to speech therapy and get rid of his speech problems even though he'd rather spend his time pursuing his dreams of being a dancer.

Benji - Benji is a character who appears in a season 13 episode. He's a student in Louise's grade who uses a wheelchair and has a passion for puppetry and loves Jim Henson; though his mother would rather that he took wheelchair basketball lessons. (Also, fun fact: the voice actor for Benji also voices a disabled character on Sesame street, who's puppets were originally crafted by Jim Henson)

This post is already long enough so I'll stop here but I could go on for ages about this subject. I hope you all learned something and feel free to add to the conversation in the comments. Remember that some of these are just opinions and you're aloud to disagree.

Have a great eveing lovies and if you made it this far thank you for reading <3

[charalysis]

Darksiders: Death

In this post, I am starting my series of analyzing the Four Horsemen from the Darksiders series. I will be pulling from the games and Abomination Vault (canon debates aside, I thinking the book is well written and a bit more of a view into Death as a person). I will reference real world psychology terms and try my best to avoid using outdated terminology.

Trigger Warnings: references to abuse, manipulation, gore and body horror, mentions of incest, sexual assault

So, to discuss Death, we must first establish a baseline for who he is.

Death was a Firstborn Nephalim, said to be the most violent and powerful of their kind, having so close a relationship to their angel and demon ancestry. In fact, it could be argued Death and Absalom were the strongest.

It seems to be also, Death and Absalom were close, close enough that Death felt immense regret over the older man's demise, so it may be implied that Absalom had a hand in bringing up his fellow Firsts.

In Death we can see the cruelty that so clearly marks all Firstborns.

After conquering their first world, the home of the Ravaiim, Death suggested he and his brothers craft their own weapons using the skills of the Ravaiim.

The Ravaiim were akin to cousins of the Makers, but among the oldest Old Ones. A race so old that "the line between craftsman and crafter was blurred". The Ravaiim used flesh to craft their weapons and items, imbuing them with power too.

Death, being the closest thing his kin had to a crafter, set to work using the technique himself... With the Ravaiim themselves as parts.

Thus were born the Grand Abominations, weapons so vile that eventually even the cruel Nephalim found it necessary to lock them away. These world ending creations are/were alive in a way; they are semi-sentient, at least enough to know what was done to create them. Their creation poisoned the Ravaiim homeland and created a stinking place so grotesque, even Hell was considered nicer. The Abominations, due to their awareness of what was done to them, loathe all of Creation and people often feel uneasy around them. An undisciplined mind may go mad wielding one, purely from the hatred they possess.

These things were Death's idea, made under his instruction. This, along with the dozens of genocides he partook in over centuries, is enough to paint a starting point of who this man is and how far he is willing to go for self benefit.

Now, to contextualize his behavior, I believe it'll help us to use some psychology terminology. Death, in our terms, shows signs of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). He shows a clear disregard for the safety of himself and others, a disregard for others feelings, and acts impulsively. He's prone to being manipulative, a liar, and seems prone to risk taking behaviors.

NOTE: This was once called sociopathy/psychopathy. THESE TERMS ARE OUTDATED AND NOT OFFICIAL DIAGNOSTIC TERMS. To many they may be considered offensive. People with ASPD do still experience emotions, but perhaps not the full range of emotions, a common one being empathy. This can result in cruel behavior, especially in children and teens, however therapy can be very helpful to individuals suffering from this condition. My reference here is not to diagnose this character, but to draw comparison and give an easier starting point into dissecting his personality and behavior. Do not go and demonize the people with ASPD over a post over a fictional character. I am simply trying to make this discussion simpler.

Now to start, I do fully believe Death is capable of genuine compassion and kindness, as shown in interactions he has with the Makers in particular. Its shown he experiences familial love with his reactions to Absalom's demise, and to War's imprisonment. It may also be seen in a small bit of Darksiders 3 with Fury's Nephilim's Respite flask, as he saw her penchant for trouble and chose to help make sure she didn't die from her own hubris.

However, despite his care for others, Death is not above using his own family for personal gains, even going so far as to nearly killing War for a plan of his. And he ends up not telling War the truth, leaving War believing he nearly died of his own failure, not because of Death's selfishness.

And ultimately, Death is selfish.

Death lies to people for his own benefit if he can get away with it. He lies through his teeth, or at minimum omits the truth. He keeps secrets because he is distrustful of others, even his fellow Horsemen. He also seems to view everyone else as idiots, insulting them and being needlessly mean.

I think maybe the reason he ends up helping the Makers so much is because they bite back. They banter with him and they're not afraid of him. They're there to help as long as he helps them. He's surprisingly honest with them too, telling him exactly what his intentions are. I think its safe to say that Death actually respects them to an extent, though Karn gets the brunt of his comments.

Back to his secrets, one of his biggest lies/secrets, in my opinion, is the Nephilim phylactery.

I don't think he hid the Nephilim souls out of guilt, not wholly. I fully believe he hid them with The Crowfather so he could find a way to bring them back one day. I think this because of his pause at the Well. He has the choice to bring them back and the only reason he doesn't is because of War. Even Lilith was convinced that he'd choose his dead kin over War, but he doesn't.

And War us truly where Death's snarky, uncaring half act breaks.

I'd say his choice to run off to gods know where to erase the crime War allegedly committed was extremely impulsive. Which, allow me to restate, HE WANTED TO UNDO A MASS EXTINCTION TO SAVE WAR FROM PUNISHMENT. He dove headfirst into his quest with zero regard for what was going to happen to himself. He jumps into the Well of Souls, sacrificing himself to bring back humanity and liberate his brother.

And what is it about War that makes Death so emotional?

We don't have a canon answer so far, but I do have to wonder at just how close they are.

I do possess a theory or two.

Theory One: Death is mildly obsessed with War as War is the youngest and last of the new Nephilim. War is a remnant of the last generation of their people and Death is keen on preserving his people in one fashion or another. War is very likely the first if them to speak against the violence of their people. War is violent himself, but not necessarily without cause, so I absolutely believe he spoke up first.

Two: Death views War as an innocent and naive boy. War is much, much more law oriented than the others, his angelic heritage shaping much of his views in seems. And to Death, perhaps, this is a sign of naivety and lack of experience. A baby to be shielded.

Three: Death raised War and sees him in a more parental manner. We don't know what raising kids was like for Nephilim, but I wouldn't be too surprised of it was a "everyone raises the young" over "parents raise their own". If that was the case, perhaps Death ended up watching War growing up more than he had other young Nephilim. That's not to say their " parent-child" bond would be healthy, clearly, but it would make sense as to why Death outright says he'd do anything to save War, and why he goes on a huge quest to revive humanity to save War. Why he ultimately sacrifices himself in the end too.

I do think that despite being incredibly self serving, selfish and arrogant, Death is ultimately self loathing. He hides his true thoughts under a thin veil of snark and dry humor, under anger and sharp words. In the book, he claims he never regrets his choices, only the execution, but I don't believe that. I do think he regrets creating the Abominations, not because of them necessarily, but because HE created something so vile.

I think he regrets killing the Nephilim because they were his kin and he was someone they all looked up to. Absalom trusted him and respected him. And he killed all of them because his beliefs had started to change.

And I firmly believe his mask isn't one of accessory. I think its a manifestation in a way of hiding from everyone.

After becoming Horsemen, Death runs away. Death hides from his brothers for ages before coming back to them in Abomination Vault.

He hides his feelings of self hate, guilt, and even affection behind snark, sarcasm, and cruelty. If he pushes others away, he needn't face the pain of their loss like he did with Absalom. But again... War is different. Before his descent into the Well, Death removes his mask.

The removal of his mask does seem to be a willingness to face forward and face the world. To face his future. I believe this for the fact that that room was the place where he metaphorically and literally faced his past, his demons. He finally let go of the Nephilim and his past with them. He let go of Absalom.

The Well is also where we seem him at his most vulnerable.

He defeats and lets go of Absalom, then goes to make his choice. Then he pauses and talks about getting to that point and still not knowing what to do. He sounds tired, broken, and like he's smiling to hold back emotions. The Crowfather consoles and councils him, and then Death makes him choice to help War by sacrificing himself and the Nephilim.

And taking off his mask is the most vulnerable he could be. He discards his physical mask, and likely in doing so its symbolic if him ridding himself of the metaphorical one.

Another character worth mentioning when discussing Death is Lilith.

Lilith, for context, is the "mother" if the Nephilim. She created Absalom first, but for all intents and purposes, she can be considered Death's mother.

Now, her tone when talking to him, in both game and book, is unusually... Flirty. And his reaction to her is visceral. He recoils and is tense, seemingly disgusted by her.

(Image Credit to @another-darksiders-blog )

These pages aren't exactly overt in what happened, but its very, very heavily implied that Lilith took advantage of Death and slept with him. Given his reactions to her, I dint exactly think he was very willing in these... Acts.

And further more, Lilith was actually counting on Death to resurrect and choose the Nephilim at the Well, as if he were the same Death she once knew, as if he hadn't changed. So I would be very, very unsurprised if she had sexually assaulted Death in some manner and abused him in other ways.

Overall it seems as if Death has had awful life experiences and copes by pushing others away and being angry. He's sarcastic and tends to not respond when called out (ie. Eideard asking "Isn't that what frightens you" when Death makes a snide joke about not having a soul).

In short, Death isn't a good person. He is a man shaped by horror and brutality and he struggles to adapt to new thinking, and struggles with emotion. However, I do think by the end of 2, he's changed for the better.

[tetsunabouquet]

KNB Headcanon: Mental Health

A/N: We know about Akashi's weirdly written split personality already and whilst I'm not the person who's fond of diagnosing characters there are a few I definitely want to talk about.

-Aomine Daiki: Many have stated they think this man is depressed already, and I do agree with the general consensus. The consistent habits of sleeping on the rooftop, the way how even his friendship with Momoi became more strained, makes it clear he's mentally in a dark place and pretty exhausted with his own talent.

-Speaking of the To-Oh team, Sakurai. I already mentioned in my headcanon about Hyuga, that I feel like Sakurai's apologetic nature shouldn't have been treated like a joke or something to mock as I think he hides some deeper issues. His low self-esteem and self-blaming nature filled with loathing for himself makes me think he's either been bullied since childhood or he has an abusive relative. Children who grow up in an highly critical/verbally abusive households typically develop patterns like apologizing for every god damn thing as their parents will treat their child as an emotional punching bag and they are held responsible for things outside of their control all the time. I swear, To-Oh is the most emotionally broken team after Teiko Middle School.

-Mitobe. His refusal to talk whilst he has the ability does make my own autism radar tingle. I've never met a person outside of the autistic community who hates being verbal. I do think he has some high functioning autistic qualities, but his great emotional support system of his family and friends definitely seemed to have provided him with some preventive treatment to the point he just can flow along in his social life. I also think he's somewhat parentified with the care he provides for his younger siblings.

-Speaking of his friend group, Koganei. The way he lacked focus on how to spend his energy prior to Seirin and how he's stated to hate sitting still just gives me the vibes that he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but he's one of the lucky ones that has been outgrowing his ADHD. Which is why he might be able to read Mitobe so well. There are plenty of people who have ADHD and autism and if Koganei did attended some ADHD program as a child he might have made some childhood friends on the spectrum. Perhaps that might be how they became friends considering they go way back.

-This ADHD conversation obviously brings me to the one and only Kotaro Hayama. This boy is like the posterchild of ADHD and he's definitely one of those people who isn't outgrowing their ADHD diagnosis. This boy lives his life energetically and unapologetically, and he will be that way as an adult too.

-Kiyoshi: See my tragic teddybear headcanon. This boy is parentified too because of how much care he gives back to his grandparents. Kiyoshi isn't the one taken care of in his household, it's a give and take with how old they are.

Honorable mention:

-It's difficult to place Murasakibara. I've seen some people make autism claims, but Murasakibara shows plenty of behavior that's very much anti-autistic in a sense? Like his tsundere-like nature doesn't really fits with being honest to a fault like most autistic people are, etc. However, I do feel like he shows some signs of being emotionally stunted and to be at the level of a small child. What kind of mental health issue might be paired with it and if he'll outgrow most of his childlike mindset, are things I am not sure on.

[randomkposts]

I remember the starfish

I love Fire Emblem Fates. My favorite is Awakening, but Fates has a special place in my heart for all of its flaws, and plotholes I love to poke at. No malice meant, if I didn't care, I'd probably just leave it alone. Instead it takes up so much brainspace.

So I think I might want to write something a bit more themed another time, but for now I want to write some scattered thoughts.

First, If I were going to change just one thing, I would give Azura ,Kaze as a retainer. And Shura.

Why? It bugs me that she didn't have any retainers, and Corrin has 3 household staff, their teacher, a childhood best friend, and a Ninja, most of whom are willing to follow them even if they defect. That's pretty excessive, that they just have a small- personally loyal fighting force. And Kaze's just hanging around, a trained retainer not assinged to anyone. And really Mikoto, Azura is your niece, you can give her one retainer at least.

Kaze defecting to Nohr to protect his charge makes arguably more sense then his reasons for defecting to Nohr on Corrins behalf.

Azura recruiting Shura as a retainer, fits with the older of the Nohrian sibilings having a criminal retainer. They also have a personal history between them that would be intresting to explore in a support. A support with Ryoma would also be intresting, as Shura states his family used to serve the royal family until his principality was taken over by Mokushu, so learning more about that would be neat.

Speaking of retainers, Despite three Nobrian Siblings havinging a criminal as a retainer, the person with the weirdest retainers is Hinoka, for having the least retainer-like retainers in the game. And Ryoma has 2 ninjas as retainers, which perhaps says some odd things about his diplomatic choices.

Hinoka does her own chores, protects her retainers, and seems to barely know anything about Azama beforehand. Until we learn from her support with Niles in Revelations that Hinoka hired Setsuna for her skill in archery, I was almost convinced she was hired to annoy Takumi.

And yet they are the last retainers sticking around the Hoshidan royals when they are recruited in Revelations.

Hillarious. Baffling. Lends a diffrent weight to Hinokas support with Saizo in this route, not that it wasn't already weird, but there was more cause for suspicion.

Speaking of supports, Sakura takes Corrin's amnesia as a sign that Silas is cursed. Meanwhile, in Birthright Takumi gets mindwhammied and dragon posessed, and Sakura does nothing to try to help. Which to be fair, nither instance lasted long. Who knows if she could have done anything effective, but in the Conquest one she doesn't seem to take note of his dirastically changed attitude as something to worry about, yet was far quicker to diagnose Silas as "something was off. Maybe its cause Silas a stranger, and she doesn't want to see anything wrong with her closest brother, but I wonder what got her attention in the first place to draw that conclusion.

I haven't played Engage, but even without that I am pretty sure Corrin is the most watched avatar we have ever played. Their big sister Camilia and her retainers makes it 3 in a lifetime, as said by Selena/Severa.

"Selena: Lady Camilla! Sorry we got ahead of you. But you should have heard the horrible things Lord/Lady Corrin said to us. Even though we used to watch over them, they don't remember us at all. Sure, we always stuck to the shadows and never introduced ourselves... but still! I could cry right now. Really! I really could!

Beruka: All that time hovering... caring... watching... it was all for naught. They has no heart.

Camilla: Now, now, you two. I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm certain they would remember, given more time. You simply must forgive them."

No wonder Corrin is so chill with Ryoma's Ninjas and other people following them around.

A headcanon, Odin/Owain can use dragon Veins. Anankos can hide his brand, but he can't undo that he is decended from the Exalted line of Ylisse, a heritige who also formed a pact which presumably involved drinking dragons blood. (That does seem to be a series consistant for how one gets a stats edge, with consent of the dragon being pretty important in how well they control it. )

He uses it once by accident. Leo did see it, but never confronts him on it. Maybe they might be siblings, but if this is what kept him alive and he's happy with living his life, then Leo isn't going to be the one to tell anyone. One of them may as well be happy.

If I were going to change something about the Fates Kids, I would mess with Shiro. Ryoma never told him until recruitment that he was royalty. So what if Shiro, figuring Ryoma is impotant, but not connecting the dots (as in cannon) comes to the (incorrect) conclusion that he is the next Saizo. And so comes with the Ninja class, alomg with some family drama, lol.

I would also tone down Soleil's supports, and add some depths to the other kids, but ninja Shiro creating some family drama with the retainers is a concept that amuzes me

I'll end it here for now. Might write a second at some point.