#i am making myself seek out people and trying to show them i value them and speak their love languages to them

[bibiana112]

Girl are you okay? Cause you've been looking through the "My lesbian experience with loneliness" tag again

Well the short answer is no :D

[13eyond13]

honestly number one tip for everything like blogging or making friends or whatever is just make other people feel genuinely valued and seen

[vaelzz]

It feels so odd to be treated with kindness and respect. I think people do themselves a disservice by keeping dismissive, toxic or downright negative friends, family or romantic interests in their lives. On the other hand I know how isolating it can be to cut it all out and just be left with your own thoughts in an endless echo chamber debating that you might actually be the toxic/negative, that you might be overly sensitive or perhaps selfish/narcissistic for feeling hurt over people downplaying or wilfully ignoring something you've achieved…

In worst cases downright insulted and degraded which I personally have always understood as people projecting their own insecurities and envy which helps ignore it sure but even still when it is persistent it slowly wears you down over time and serves as a way to validate your own internal negative thinking about yourself. I'd think I'd only care about what I truly think but then I'd simply let myself be exposed to negativity until it's literally hardwired into my very being and being told positive things is met with a lot of internal resistance because I truly don't believe it. The worst part is that I feel guilty for not truly appreciating kindness or affection which makes me anxious because I am unable to reciprocate and I understand it's not supposed to be like a transaction but when someone is genuinely nice to me I just melt into a puddle of confusion. This is all internal though because on the outside it's easiest to just say "Thanks!" and move on because exposing the issues I see can be seen as attention seeking or just simply draining to people which will be met with frustration and resistance from them.

But again it just feels so bizarre to have someone be genuinely appreciative. The screenshot attached to this post is an old artwork of mine reposted to the story of a new very special individual who has entered my life and it really puts into perspective the stark differences in every simple interaction. It feels so crazy to me that I'd invest so much time and energy into people that would refuse to input even the bare minimum and would even go as far to exert their own expectations followed by incessant downplay at every opportunity.

The artwork is from 2015 and it's taken on a cheap borrowed school camera at The Den Of Nargun and then further edited and painted over on my old craptop and only a mouse (R.I.P pre-tablet days) so screen was barely calibrated or accurate but it was inspired by The Hallow in Terraria which is one of my favourite games. I remember showing it to a close friend of mine this after gifting them a Canon film camera that had a good lens. (it was old and compatible with their new Canon and I used Sony so why not) But they literally said it looked like vomit which beyond irked me because whilst it's not perfect it was a prominent creation in my life when I was just 17 in highschool without many resources. I also won an acquisitive art award for it alongside another piece called An Ever Flowing Stream of Eternity, acquisitive meaning the local gallery acquired it and I was given $500 alongside some other art supply gifts which I don't like to brag about but surely it must have some merit or value for that? Certainly not vomit right?????

I guess to top it off I was only sharing it because having gifted them a camera I was recommending locations to go except they literally went 2 days later without telling me after I said I wanted to return there and retake some pictures now I am older with a better camera. Definitely some strong gaslighting there when trying to confront it but that's whatever but what really irked me was them just shoving all their photographs in my face and essentially demanding praise and getting upset if it's anything less than positive. I'd never really share much of my art or things I made because people wouldn't really care which I figured is fair enough because everyone has different tastes and there is zero expectation for someone to like or appreciate anything you do but after so many years of that you just feel so empty. Because this is just one instance but there are countless instances with plenty of other people too which is incredibly demotivating because why bother doing or sharing anything that someone is just going to devalue? Might as well focus my attention elsewhere??? Except I'd still always have that inherent drive to create and achieve things so ultimately it just led to cyclic toxic cycles of internalized perfectionism.

But now being met with something as simple and trivial as a story repost followed by being spammed likes because I felt sad about this artwork being called "vomit" and an overall general lack of appreciation after discussing some concepts around Tall Poppy Syndrome it just… idk it sort of warms my heart and honestly I was melting a bit and I felt so guilty that this person was showing kindness and appreciation towards me because I felt so underserving? The crazy thing is that it's so simple and basic yet feels so foreign to me to have someone take the time and basic thought to undertake the gesture. For the record the share and likes are meaningless, it's all just superficial social media bullshit but the simple gesture and thought is what touches me deeply yet it feels like such a basic and trivial thing so it really makes me think back to when I'd let negative people remain in my life and convince myself I'm selfish for ever having the passing thought that I'd like the same respect and energy given to be returned mutually.

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

So here's a thing I wish I could put on my main blog, or post on my Facebook, but I think all it would do is make me feel even more miserable and alone.

So, I consider myself Jewish and always have. That's my cultural and ethnic heritage on my dad's side of the family, the only family I grew up with. Yes, patrilineal, but I'm still Jewish. My dad's grandparents fled pogroms in Ukraine and came to the US as deeply traumatized people seeking survival. You can see the repercussions of that recent history in the generations that followed them. For the past few years, I've been actively working to find my place in that history and that heritage, because it's a part of who I am and who I will always be, and I want to be able to be part of it in return. That's my personal context.

When a terrorist group murdered and kidnapped a bunch of civilians last October, I was horrified. When a far-right extremist government retaliated by slaughtering an unthinkable number of civilians, I was horrified. I contacted my own politicians, I donated what money I could spare, I wept at the nightmare that was playing out.

I continue to be horrified as the inhumanity continues, at the sheer scale of tragedy and terror. I wish I had any power to stop it, and I do the small things I can to try to help alleviate suffering.

But you know what else has horrified me? The way my so-called allies, the leftists, the social justice warriors, have responded. I'm lucky that I could grow up without hate being thrown my direction (perhaps because people where I grew up did not know I was Jewish despite my very Jewish last name), but I am aware of what Jew-hate looks like. And I have been seeing people I thought I could trust now wallowing in variations of centuries-old hatred without questioning it, believing outright lies that can be easily disproven with even the most superficial fact-checking, listening to people who wish to do harm, and reducing a complex situation to the stark black-and-white, good-versus-evil conflict from a bad young adult novel.

I'm still going to hope for peace. I'm still trying to contribute what I can to help victims of violence and war.

But, speaking frankly, I don't trust a lot of people anymore and I probably never will. There is no place for me in leftist social justice communities.

I don't know why people have hated Jews for so long, except that I suppose it feels good to have someone else to blame your problems on. But people really truly do hate Jews, and they really truly have for a very long time with unthinkably tragic consequences, and there are modern groups who are absolutely thrilled to be able to bring newcomers into their circles of Jew-hate in the guise of fighting for justice.

And so many of the people I thought were my friends are following them into it without a second thought.

I am disappointed. I am betrayed. I am hopeless.

And I guess I'm pretty damn alone, because I am sure as hell not going to align myself with people whose values are in opposition to my own just because the leftists are also showing their hate.

It breaks my heart.

I'm posting this on my secret sideblog because, I don't know, I've been reading Jumblr for months now and it often helps me feel less alone and I suppose I am reaching out a hand asking if anyone else will be willing to take my hand and tell me I am not alone.

We are not a monolith, I know some of you feel differently from me in either direction, but I know at least some of you feel like I do and even those of you who don't fully align with me will still not smear me with hatred.

Tomorrow I am going to my first ever Rosh Hashanah service and I have been doing my best to prepare and I want to be proud, I want to be joyful, I want to embrace hope for a brighter new year and I want to shout to the rooftops that my people are beautiful and our traditions are beautiful and isn't it wonderful that I am able to step back where I belong among them, but instead I want to weep.

[notesfromthepalace]

How Do I Become a Princess

I realize that most of my content talks about how when I evolved as a person, my relationships with people and certain activities changed/shifted. But I had never actually went in full detail about everything I believe I have done and have been through. I was asked a question by one of our fellow readers about the following:

"How do I get past the need of wanting to be seen?"

"How to take care of yourself on a budget?''

"What do I do when I get attention deprived, especially when I start feeling lonely?"

"How do I fix the mistakes of my past while learning from them?"

We'll start with point #1: "How do I get past the need of wanting to be seen" - so looking for validation from others.

As I responded previously, all of this starts with becoming one with your creator. We are born with certain inalienable rights bestowed on us from God. I believe when I reconnected with God through fasting, morning prayer (which I really need to get back to doing daily), reading the Bible and finding a church. Literally every morning, for almost six months, that was a daily ritual, Sunday to Sunday. I believe when I started to hear God, my care for what people would say, what they thought the knew of me, did not matter. To this day, if I feel like something goes against my beliefs in God or disrespects God in anyway, I want NO parts in it because the only opinion that matters is God's opinion of me. So the validation, the need to be seen or wanting to be heard by certain people became non existent and still is. And with seeking God and not caring how people may have felt about me, I also became a mystery. No one knew where I was at or what I was doing on my free time. And absolutely no one knew about my dating endeavors. When I became one with God again, certain people who were in my friendship circles faded away, I didn't watch or listen to certain things anymore, and the people I feel God was bringing into my life better aligned with my beliefs, values and my future endeavors. Getting closer to God not only revealed what I wanted for my life personally, but financially, career wise, and even philanthropically. This is why getting closer to God is the first step, it is a domino effect of positivity and elevation in your life.

#2: Taking care of yourself on a budget

"Show me the money"

It's possible friends. Let's start with appearance.

Although I am not the biggest fan of ripped jeans - this was for a walk in the park. Now, would you believe me if I told you that the jeans and the top together were less than $30?

This dress was on sale at Express for $25.

I also bought this dress on sale from Express for $35 and the shoes were on sale at Forever 21 for $14 - I still have both of the items by the way, five years later.

I'm not going to lie, are all of my pieces these prices? No. But I learned how to be a high low shopper. Meaning that if something feels like nice enough quality but doesn't break the bank - I'm buying it. What I usually splurge on, what I'd like to call my investments are shoes, bags, jewelry, hair extensions (I prefer raw hair) and some make-up and skin care, not all. For some things, you will have to spend a pretty penny, but that's where budgeting and making sacrifices come in. For example, I chose to pay out of pocket about $2000 to straighten my teeth and close a few gaps. I was able to do a payment plan and pay $88.95 a month for two years and during that time, I chose to do my hair myself versus paying $350 for someone else to do it.

Like look at those pearly whites. Yes, fixing my teeth was an aesthetic thing, but it was also a tremendous confidence booster.

Taking care of yourself is doable. It just looks different for everyone. It is very important to asses where you are at financially, budget, and think about the things you want to do first.

And when it comes to designer items, this is my advice from a woman I met at the Louis Vuitton store:

"Don't go broke trying to buy everything at once. Start with one item. And next year buy another. There's no rush" - European woman with the most beautiful blow out.

#3: What to do when you are feeling alone/attention deprived.

Get ready for it. It's going to happen. Evolving will be lonely in the beginning and throughout the middle. You'll have people you thought were your friends label you as "fake". You won't be invited back into certain arenas and you have to be ready for that. And if your focus is on finding a boyfriend/husband - you'll definitely feel lonely for a while because as you start to demand a certain standard, the men you may have given chance after chance to will leave you because you are no longer able to be manipulated.

There's going to be lonely nights and that's where you re going to fill the void with things that are going to make you better.

When I dumped my ex, and also stopped hanging around certain people I went back to the basics and asked myself "What does Sarah like?"

Reading

Facials

Shopping

Museums

Coffee shops

5x Star restaurants

Traveling

Learning

Working out - simply to look good, I don't actually enjoy it. But I like how I feel after and cute workout sets.

So I did just that. Literally all of it. To a point where I had even picked back up on my French. And all of these things brought me into different circles of people I would have never met if I had just stuck around the normal rift raft.

These things I did for me, but they also brightened my horizons and prospects for men as well who had similar interests as I *wink wink.

#4: Fixing the mistakes from the past and learning from them.

For me, this is where the constant prayer came in. There are things about ourselves we do not believe are problems because they are learned behaviors from child hood. I had to ask God to reveal them to me, along with revealing the mistakes that I didn't know were mistakes. In the revelation came education.

Start with one mistake, fix it or learn from it or both.

Then go to the next one.

Give yourself time and grace to learn and evolve. These things do not happen over night. Not only will you feel different, but the people around you will see a difference, and you'll attract another type of crowd. A better one.

I hope I answered this well enough @lanessoul

Thank you for the question again.

Until next time Sissy Poohs.

P.S. It's always best to be celibate during this time of reflection. Sex clouds the mind and ones judgement.

With Love,

Sarah Chanel

[wisteria-lodge]

snake primary + neutral snake secondary

Hello. I decided to write this according to the list you gave. I have a huge struggle with my primary. I guess it is burned, but I don’t know what it is, or I don’t want to see it because that hurts my ego if it sounds completely fake or in some way empty, or I just don’t vibe with it. Which I understand is an issue in itself. 

An interesting issue. You don’t want a primary assigned to you because you’re worried it’ll sound fake? I’ll keep an eye on that. 

For my secondary I guess it is just straight up a lion, mostly being off or burned, burned badger or bird. I definitely use pre-made personas in social or stressful situations, but I prepare so little that I could be anyone. 

This sounds like Burnt Bird secondary “I do the Bird secondary thing, but not very well.” Or possibly a Bird secondary model that you wish you didn’t have to use. 

Before I have to tell you even if I don’t have clinical depression or a diagnosis, I don’t feel happy, and it probably shows. I am someone who cries every time they see Everything Everywhere All At Once, which at this point probably tells a lot about a person. 

… it tells me that you’re very probably neurodivergent. Very possibly ADHD, but I don’t like to diagnose in these things. (Not actually possible anyway.) 

Also, heads up for my English, it is nowhere near perfect or fluent, so there might be some annoying mistakes, even though I know you don’t point it out to people. I ran it through a grammar check, but I have little doubt I missed something.

1.

Sometimes I wish I’d care more about other people, about strangers, but I don’t care much naturally, and it becomes even more pronounced when I am stressed or having to spend a lot of my energy outside myself. Then, that gaze towards outside shuts down, and I stop focusing and giving attention to other people.

You’re not naturally a Badger, taking meaning and energy from the community. Snake is absolutely possible, especially with the way Snakes will focus very intensely on their own bodies when they haven’t got a lot of extra energy to spare. Like, sure you’d like to do more, and doing more makes you feel like a good person, but that’s extra.

A co-worker could be talking about their accident and what happened to their family, and I would stare blindly and think to myself they are trying to get sympathy and I would not budge at this point. While more normally I would give them it, even if I didn’t feel sorry for them. 

You might also just be low empathy, which is… just kind of a neutral thing. I’m low empathy. A lot of people actually find it comforting that they can be upset around me without getting doubly stressed that they’re making my day worse. 

After all, some emotional work needs to be put into maintaining relationships and keeping it alive.

True. And the way you just kind of put that out there as a kind of ‘Rule to Live By’ is actually making me think Bird primary is possible... or a Bird primary model over a burnt primary?

2. 

As a kid I was timid, afraid to explore town, thinking someone will come and say I can’t walk there. I was never peaceful, but I followed my mother’s advice to ignore bullies and don’t give them attention. Jokes on me – I never learned how to fight and argue. I remember myself hot headed, attention seeking, trying to talk with others, even making up lies or cutting bangs by myself just so people notice me. But I was always careful not to make trouble for my mother, be safe, get no injuries, clothes fine and without a rip. 

I’m leaning more Snake primary for you. Your mother is clearly a very important figure in your life, and what she thinks and values is important, because she thinks it. You ignore bullies, don’t wander, and don’t get in trouble because your Mom told you not to… but there’s still this undercurrent of but I would have liked to. In fact, the way you behave for your mom seems to be very at odds with the “attention seeking” “hot-headed” “notice-me” behavior from the rest of your life. I’m considering Snake secondary (because of the different faces for differnt people) or Lion/Burnt Lion secondary (because you would have liked learning how to fight and argue.) 

I was obsessed with Three Musketeers, friendship and finding connection. I would focus on a small group of people or even one person and hold onto it. It started getting really hard time when I had no friends whatever. That pushed me into survival mode and made me quiet and thoughtful.

This focus on small groups of friends is making me really lean Snake primary. (Also, if you’re a Snake Lion, then The Three Musketeers would be *the* perfect media for you.) 

3. 

I think I solve low-stakes problems with something that looks like a snake or rapid fire bird.  I think if I can and have someone close I can call for help, I will. Once in the dorms my European windows fall off the hinges, I couldn’t close it or put it back. I could have definitely done it myself with more time and more focusing and seeing how things work. But I had a friend living there next to me, so I asked them to come. Not that they knew more about windows than I did, but as out both room windows were similar in age maybe they would have a similar issue and know what to do. I don’t think they did, but it was fun and I wish I could do it more - meeting life with your friends and not alone, that’s why I called them. Administration would have been the last resort, they were pretty meh. I think we just ended looking around and putting it back in somehow, just trying to close it in different ways. I was always careful with it after that.

That’s lovely. And… weirdly I think I’m going to put this in for primary, for that whole “meeting life not alone” thing. That’s bigger than just problem solving, that’s getting into why you do things at all. 

The actual problem solving seems to be “lets compare the broken window to a similar, not-broken window and see what’s wrong.” There’s a *little* I Know A Guy bird in this ‘who specifically do I know who would be able to solve this problem.’ But I could honestly see coming from any secondary. 

4. 

In high-stake situations, the most important thing to me is reaching a mental space where I am stable, looking around without panic. That’s why sometimes, instead of pulling an all-nighter before an exam I turned on a movie. I just couldn’t deal with the stress and said bye lol. I didn’t do it all the time, I also studied a lot, alone and with friends, although I cannot say where studying or the movie was more useful. I personally would say in high-stakes situations it’s most critical to try to calm down and manage my stress and anxiety. 

This is making me say Improvisational secondary (Lion or Snake.) Extra preparation isn’t going to comfort you, it’s going to mess you up. You’re not a Bird or Badger, who’ll get stressed out if they don’t read their notes over one more time. You want the mental space and agility to correctly read and correctly respond to the situation, and so you’re giving yourself the best chance for that.

I had experience with bad roommates so in dorms I wanted to live alone, not bother or bothering someone. While this opinion wasn’t allowed legally in our college, students would bribe administrator. I hate bribing, giving chocolate for literally noticing me in someone’s place (it’s a bribe older generation does here while asking employees for something they think is a favor, but it’s kind of their job; why don’t we just stop being assholes to each other instead? I am not sure other parts of the world does this so hence the explanation). 

It’s interesting. You’re describing bribing, like - yeah you’re breaking the rules… but everyone does it, and everyone knows everyone does it, and to some degree you’re even expected to do it. But even though it’s kind of normal, it still bothers you. And this would bother a Lion secondary (who love to be straightforward and honest) more than it would bother a Snake (who might not even think of giving an administrator a “”gift”” as a bribe.) 

As I mentioned earlier, administrator was meh and everyone and their mother knew it, so you can imagine I thought this is big, and I have to survive this and come on top.

This is very Snake primary energy, it has that practicality I absolutely love. 

Money, I thought, should be the most useful, but there’s also too much and too little. In short, I sit down, wrote an application, had an envelope in my bag, talked a bit about how I would like to live alone and tried to slip it out of my bag on the table as it was nothing special. The most interesting thing was that he seemed amused all this time, and even then, I had my hair down and had lipstick on, so I don’t know, maybe my baby face looked interesting, or maybe that’s just stress distorting my memories. I was kind of prepared, but not really if you know what I mean, I obviously needed more information, but I was either naïve and thought this will work or this will be enough. In some way I was also mostly thinking I hate this, this either will work with how much I prepared or not, let’s go in and see. Maybe not good enough for sorting according to high-stakes situations but thank gods in some way that the only ones I had are like this one or exams.

Now that I have built your anticipation,

You absolutely have, I am extremely invested in this story. 

let’s check together how that ended up for me, shall we? I did get a room for myself, and I really loved the room I got the first year there. Its window opened up to a street, I saw a lot of trees, sky, a neighboring apartment complex that did not belong to college. The bribery? It went well, they were either monitored or they actually meant what they said that they can’t guarantee me anything, and that the college had plans to reduce the available space due to shortage of students. So in the end, I left with my money, a little bruised dignity and a new experience, that I knew I would never want to repeat. We just do what we need to do, and what we are okay about doing, no?

I hate bribery, but I wanted to live alone more, so it weighted over.

Something like that (and this whole story, really) makes me think your primary is fighting with your secondary. You think bribing is wrong, and your Lion secondary hates not just being direct and ASKING for what you want... but you want that private room, so of course you go for it. You had a bad experience in dorms before, you’re going to protect yourself. That’s the decision that you feel best about. 

And when it came down to this conversation, you got dressed up, you considered your appearance and how you came across, you thought about what the right level of bribery would be. But in the end, you think that the fact that you looked “interesting” got you through. And “this either will work with how much I prepared or not, let’s go in and see” is SO Lion. It’ll work, or it won’t, it’s out of my hands. 

5.

Recently I made a hard decision of whether to go back home or stay. Decisions are hard for me, especially when neither one nor the other option look better. I tried to take all that I have gathered about the situation and see which side is/feels stronger, which one has more value. 

I’m starting to see what’s got you confused about your primary. One thing about being in a Snake is that decisions get a lot harder when they don’t affect your personal safety and well-being, or the safety and well-being of your People. You’re making a decision with ALL the tools here - gathering information to know which side is stronger (Bird), asking yourself what side feels stronger (Lion), and also considering which side has more value (depending on exactly what you mean by “value,” this could be Badger or Snake. All those approaching are going to give you slightly different answers. 

I left unfriendly environment which saw no value in me or my culture for a more friendly place, where my roots are, where I can make my own decisions, but I had to leave my family. I didn’t feel good there, had no one I wanted to hold onto. But even though I am not a badger, but I am still in a missing people mood. 

I bet you are. You’re a Snake, and you don’t have any People right now. (You’re not Burned. You’ve just recently moved to a new place, and don’t have any People yet.)

This was absolutely the Snake decision, also. You didn’t feel valued, so you went where you knew you could set things up the way you like them. You left your family to do it, and sure leaving your family hurts, but I think you would have felt like you’d betrayed yourself if you stayed.

Connection is so human, and we fuck it up so bad from so early on. Does it matter if you still feel alone around people who surround you? It doesn’t, so maybe it’s better to let your family members rest, be somewhere lonely without them and try to do it yourself. Is it already depressing? I am sorry I hope this doesn’t feel like trauma dumping.

Nah, you’re fine. You’re absolutely going to find people you connect to. 

6.

My fantasies change with time depending on what inspires and moves me then. I fantasize about a Scandinavian style house, surrounded by snow and a night sky, full of books and huge windows when I just want to run away. Other times I fantasize about being a powerful wizard on the run or in disguise, just trying to live with friends, accepted and running from some kind of huge responsibilities or a war. Not that I never fantasized about something more ambitious, but that probably changed with how my life experiences shaped the worldview I have now. Do I have to mention fantasies of falling in love with someone nice while doing something that I like and brings me joy or is that just basic haha?

The “living with friends/falling in love with someone nice”... that’s very human, but since this significant other person features heavily in a short description of your fantasy, going to put that as a point for Snake primary. 

7.

The characters I identify most with probably has nothing to do with me or who I am, more with how I see them. I identify with Lorelai from Gilmore Girls. In my opinion, she has a similar energy to me, to what I think I am inside or could be with a little more stability and confidence. She talks nonsense, and it is fine most of the time, people still like her. She loves her community, her little town, she creates life there and doesn’t wish to leave, and she doesn’t feel a need to run or rush somewhere. I feel I am most healthy and stable when that rush leaves me, and I am stable enough in here and now to actually live there. 

I was honestly pretty happy with Lion Secondary as a sorting for you. But now I wonder. This doesn’t seem like something a Lion secondary would say. It seems like a Neutral Snake would say. And Lorelai is a VERY loud Neutral Snake (and a very loud Snake primary.

Now, Lion secondaries can be mellow, and just want to Vibe, but I absolutely do see shape-shifting capabilities from you, and I wouldn’t expect to see them from a Lion (unless you also had models or performances.) When you were a kid you were careful and thinking a lot about the ‘correct’ thing around your mom, but wild around your friends. In the bribing situation you came in with a persona, but then switched around - you’re funny, you’re interesting, you’re naive. Also in the wizard fantasy - you’re running away from the war, you don’t want to deal with it. Lion secondaries tend to fantasize about being revolutionaries or leading armies. 

Snake Secondaries who like staying in Neutral have a blunt take-it-or-leave it quality which I do see from you, but you also seem just... kind of tired. Not Burnt, but just kind of done with dealing with a family who makes you feel lonely, an administration who isn’t helpful, an environment that doesn’t value your culture... no wonder you just want the ability to just say whatever, and not have to think about it. 

I also think that the lack of a Person (which is a primary issue) is making this whole ask much more ‘authenticity’ flavored than it would be otherwise. You want, you really really desperately want a person to trust enough, and value enough, to be that level of authentic with. 

I identify with Joy from Everything Everywhere, because she feels like a friend who doesn’t need you to tell them how you feel in these feeble words, she looks at you, and she knows, the whole movie knows. 

You’re fantasizing about someone who just *gets* you, immediately. (You’re fantasizing about a Person.)

Likewise, I identify with Hunter from The Owl House. He says he misses knowing who he supposed to be. He comes from a really unhealthy background, but I just feel happy thinking how not only he himself warms up to people, but others warm up to him, see good in him, accept him and start to care, not how good people care, but how a friend cares. Hahaha, I identify with Pippin from LOTR movies, because he makes mistakes, and everyone around him is like WTF can you not, why don’t you just stand in one place or be tied to a leash? He’s not stupid, he’s not careless, he’s not bad or ignorant per se, mistakes just happen, it’s natural and instead of being made to feel wrong, let’s just not do that and make it normal, because it will happen, and we will learn from our mistakes without pressure or shouting. It’s a miracle Pippin wants to do things after all.

You’re fantasizing about getting a group of People. Don’t think it’s at all a coincidence that both the Owl House and the Lord of the Rings focus on a small, rag-tag group of people who don’t quite fit, for one reason or another. I also think you’ve probably been dealing with someone who does not react to *normal* mistakes in a healthy way. So of course Pippin and Hunter would be comforting. 

8.

Things that make me feel powerful? Money, having choices, being able to say no, I will not do anything of what you suggest and instead do this completely different thing. Because I can, because I want it, because I can see I will succeed, I will make it. I can choose to do things my way. You need money or other resources to be able to do that. Calling a plumber and being able to pay them would make me more powerful than waiting for someone I know do me a favor based on our relationship. While not being able to select what I want, or having crappy choices wherever I look makes me feel locked up and incredible passive. To quote the quiz, helplessness doesn’t make me angry, it freezes m, but I don’t get angry.

Damn. Yeah, I don’t know what I can say to any of that. What is power? Money, and the ability to say no. And really, when you get down to it - money is important when it allows to say no. The more you can say no, the more powerful you are. 

9.

Recently graduating was the most difficult thing I had to do. I had little to no help, big expectations from the board and little freedom on what decision I could make. Myself already being anxious about what I will do in the future and this major giving me panic attacks in the making did not help focus and do it right. I wonder would it have been better if I majored in something I loved but was kind of useless, than something I hated but what is seen as practical and marketable.

There really isn’t a right answer there. Not everyone needs to love their job, but some do. Some people are fine without a steady paycheck, or without a large paycheck - but some aren’t. Any decision that involves the future like that is going to be a gamble. And I guess I’m at the point now, with how fast the world and the economy is changing, that trying to guess what will be practical and marketable ten years down the line - isn’t nearly as sure a thing as it used to be. 

From what I’ve gathered, thesis can feel useless. I knew a guy who paid someone to write it for him, and honestly with my own experience I wouldn’t care about ethics of it now and would have rather done that if I could have a chance. In the end, how exactly writing your last paper, thesis shows your skills? Sure, you can follow academic paper writing rules, you can use computer, you can read and gather information from research papers, and you can ignore your anxiety and interview people, interpret their answers and have enough skill in a language you are using to not only make sense but follow all the rules. I guess you can use the skills somewhere; I am just talking myself out of this idea. Wait, if someone who never majored in your area and does not have the skills you worked for, can write you a paper and write it good, it’s not an excellent way to evaluate someone.

Yeah, Snake secondary for sure. And what can I say, you make a compelling case. The structural problems in academia, the classism, the behind-the-times - it’s very much still there, and there are lots of people who can talk about it much better than I can. 

My friends were busy with their own stuff, my family were far away and with a big generational gap, professors didn’t help and then evaluated me strangely. It was really hard to see a person I knew for a few years, liked, wanted to impress be against me. Sorry I am tired, but I really needed to write something, and this seemed like a good thing to occupy myself with. Off course, I don’t know how you feel about academic unfaithfulness, but from my perspective, my experience was shitty enough that I wouldn’t give a flying sausage if there would be a next time, especially if I did everything else the right way. I really don’t know how much it was me, because it was me in some ways, but I still think my supervisor didn’t help me, but was ready to judge me. She probably felt she wasn’t paid enough to deal with my problems then. Right. You know what I want to do now? I want to never look back, never get back there, and never even touch this major. I want to leave it in the past and start anew. I want to be able to choose and not be tied to it.

Spoken like a snake secondary. And no wonder why you seem so tired. Also, being treated badly by your advisor is going to hurt anybody... but ESPECIALLY a snake primary. 

Thank you for your time. Have a great day. Or night.

I will. :) Thanks for writing in.

[stormblessed95]

Storm hihihihihihi

The other day me and my friend had a whole debrief about jikook😭 and I mean hours long conversation but we also had other conversations in between and we talked about how they pretty much have nothing platonic going in between them, and how literally her words “they’re each others comfort place and they’re so comfortable with each other”, we also joked around about denying them because we were a bit jealous like imagine being young and in love and rich it’s wonderful obviously.

Well this is the part I wanted to mention honestly was when I brought up that (being eos comfort) I think jungkook may show signs of neurodivergence (specifically autism)(well I do believe he does since a lot of the things he’s done are traits of neurodivergency) and I don’t mean it in a bad way at all because well I too am neurodivergent but I don’t mean to try and diagnose him either because obviously only professionals can do that. But I kinda wanted to see your take on it (I’ve come to value your opinion quite a bit😭). I’ve also seen that jungkook possibly being neurodivergent is a topic that’s been discussed quite abit and have seen a lot of other neurodivergent people say they relate so much to him in terms of neurodivergency and I can say I am one of them too. So to my original point of this paragraph was that when I mentioned that to her <my friend> she was quite surprised and she also said it explained a few things about him and it made sense (in a non rude way) and I agreed but I also had this conversation with her because she also has a brother with severe autism and i too with a cousin who has really severe autism so I was familiar with these things based on being surrounded by it and personal experiences I go through but as someone with a lot less severe and mild symptoms. So eventually we got to the point where we discussed how people with autism have superfications on things they really really like and how they get so absorbed they tune everything out (a major sign of autism) she said that’s probably why he always watches jimin content and how he tends to constantly mention him, how he is always so fixated on jimin because he is a topic of interest and importance to him that he can go hours with watching his content and not move at all and how he constantly seeks him out for attention, comfort and play. (Jungkook had mentioned that he wouldn’t pay attention to comments during the 28.03.2023 live wanting to focus purely on jm and literally wanted us to watch him react to his baby) And when she mentioned that it was very fitting of him to have a fixation on someone he probably always sees and he values so highly but along with that he wants to show everyone that he supports jimin and he loves him and also wants people to know he does, whether anyone believes it’s romantic or not.

But I thought it was really cute and it melted my heart, I turned into a puddle of jikook joy😭

I've got neurodivergent siblings, a sibling with autism, a neurodivergent husband, a likely neurodivergent child and I'm neurospicy myself (those hyperfixations hit us all.... I say with a bts blog here and a book blog I should use more on the side) lol so yeah, I mean. I see it in Jungkook. It would make sense to me. It's something that gets mentioned every few months because it DOES make sense. Who knows if it's true or not. Only JK and those he would share it with. But I do see what you are saying. Also the rest of your little rant was adorable and so cute and I loved it. Your conversation with your friend sounds fun!

[drbased]

In my experience, depression is what happens when I don't trust myself, when I don't take myself seriously, when I believe that there are things I 'should' believe and things I 'should' do and ways I 'should' behave. My depression felt like a form of rebellion against the world that says I should be fine with my childhood, or maybe even have deserved what happened to me - but I now understand that my depression was not a rebellion but rather a panicked outsourcing of my pain. If I keep the misery going, if I can make grandiose statements on the nature of how messed up life is, if I can just show them, show them all, that I am *not* happy and this is *not* how life should be... then I've made my sadness meaningful because it has a justification that can be universally understood and acknowledged, and I've found 'proof' that I deserve to be sad because other people can feel empathy for me. I made my sadness so big because the idea that I was sad about something that I percieved to be small - or, I was worried others would percieve it to be small - was so humiliating it wasn't even worth addressing. I couldn't just trust myself, take my own sadness seriously - it had to be worth something to someone else, it had to be bigger than me. The eventual realisation I had to make is that my emotions are my own: I'm allowed to be sad, to be angry, to be irritated, about whatever the hell I want - and this only becomes a 'pathology' when I suppress it and either cover it up with comfort-seeking, or only allow it to come out in the form of a huge grandiose breakdown worthy of a gothic novel, or obsess over trying to 'prove' it right, procrastinating on ever feeling it fully. Depression, for me, was the result of procrastinating on my own feelings until I reach periods where I cannot take it anymore. It's a lack of honesty, a feeling that the only value of my emotions is to some external judge. Instead, I came to recognie that my feelings are mine and they're worth something purely because they're mine and I can have weird opinions and be opinionated and that's just being a person and having a personality. Depression was how I chipped away at myself because I was terrified and humiliated over the reality of me simply being a normal human being and generating meaning through something as mundane as my normal human life and giving it value simply because it's my life.

In many ways, my depression, symbolic state of mind, and pathological demand avoidance all have this void of personality as the origin. Saying 'I have depression' makes it sound as if depression is an addition to your personality; a tumour that should be artificially removed. But my depression is an attempt to make meaning where I was specifically avoiding seeking meaning in my own mundane life. It is an attempt to justify my emotion because I see my emotions as a personal failing. It is an outsourcing of my personhood to some nebulous watcher and judger, who I can meet at the pearly gates and can tell me I achieved success as a person - I was disciplined, I was moral, I did everything right. Even my thoughts were right, because I'd made sure of that, and my emotions were right, as I'd put them under constant examination and reflection. The symbolic state of mind requires that there is an external judgment, just as pda does, just as, so I found, depression does. All of them exist inside my mind to address the exact same problem: that as a person, I do not feel that I exist for me - I'm put on this earth to be a problem-solver, and because I think and feel deeply, I have an obligation to be 'of use' to the rest of the world. After all, if you look at it logically, I am but one person, and if it's my minor discomfort vs the discomfort of others then it's one versus many, and the many takes precedent over the all. But it went deeper than that - I was so disconnected from my reality as a human being that my conscious self percieved 'me' as a category of person to take into consideration when making my moral and logically correct decisions. So I would go to a restaurant and think 'this is what drbased would like, so I will order that - oh no, but that's really pricey and drbased doesn't like to pay that much, so I guess I should go for the cheaper option? Oh, now I feel really bad for some reason...', or go to boardgaming event and think 'drbased likes this game, but also drbased likes those people playing that other game - so, holy shit, which should I chose??? what's the right decision to make??? what ticks the most boxes???' I never consciously thought of myself in the third person, but after much introspection I realised that that's ultimately the attitude I went into everything with: every decision had to be weighed up against all factors of varying importance, and every time something didn't turn out perfectly I'd be left with this itching sense of disappointment that could follow me for days, months or even years.

Symbolic state: provides the sense of external judgement; my spiritual beliefs planted in me an idea that I could treat life like a perpetual classroom, and I could use external stimuli as 'proof' I was doing life correctly. This provides the underlying mechanism in which I lose the wisdom of understanding that I exist and make choices for me. There's a simplicity to it - I don't have to worry about anything as measly and pathetic as my feelings, and instead I make my decisions based on a set of moral and logical rules that, if for some reason it could ever happen, I could defend fully in court. And in turn, instead of feeling any real sense of satisfaction, achievement, and self-love, I could instead turn life into a collection of stimuli that gave me a euphoric buzz. Symbolic states became the mechanism by which I lost myself and also the mechanism by which I could cope with losing myself.

Depression: I now understand that I first developed depression when I believed that leaving school and starting university would magically change my whole life and make me feel entirely different in some nebulous way. Ironically, that actually did happen, but clearly not to the extent that I ever wanted to admit to myself - it's embarrassing to admit to myself that I wanted something impossible, so instead of ever accepting that fact about me, I suppressed it, and thus began the obsessive process of constantly re-evaluating everything that happens to me so I decide if I'm 'allowed' to feel negative about it or not.

PDA: The seeds of PDA were planted as a teenager but the feeling of unease truly started to grow from when my depression started and reached its height about 6-ish years ago. I started off with a very specific life goal, but hindsight is 20-20 and I had no idea at the time how much I was internalising this idea that everything I do is up for scrutiny, that I'm not allowed to be a flawed human being with weird opinions and habits. Everything I did had to be quirky, had to be aesthetic (feeding into, and fed by, the symbolic states), had to be meaningful by some exterior metric. By the time I was in my early 20s I had noticed that everything I did was highly calculated and had multiple reasons behind it. I remember thinking at the time it was an interesting observation about myself, but several years later I was screaming and crying about how I feel uncomfortable literally all of the time and how everything I do, I want to do something else. I was in low-level hell, always feeling obligated to do something and feeling a deep, gnawing sense of disappointment when things went 'wrong'. Now I understand that when I succumb to obligation, I feel a sense of internal betrayal and a creeping feeling of depression. If I have a depressive crash, it's entirely related to me blocking out some emotion and/or feeling as if I 'should' do a certain obligation. The more I accept myself, and the more I choose, the further I stray from showing the typical depression symptoms.

If any of this seems relatable to you, then I implore that you learn to listen to yourself, to accept things inside yourself which feel embarrassing to admit, to say 'fuck you, I am allowed to feel sad about x thing in my past - or, rather, no one is disallowing me to feel that way', to reframe things in your life from an external obligation to something you want to do because it benefits you. I don't have a clinical background and therefore cannot say that depression only comes from this sort of origin, but I have a stong inkling from not just witnessing it in myself but in others - denial of yourself absolutely destroys you from within, and necessarily so when you think about, for the medium is the message: everytime I succumbed to obligation, I told myself that what I want is not enough, that I am always beholden to forces bigger than me. One of the main things I have learned from this journey is that your mind is always listening in to everything you do and say about yourself, and that ultimately, you cannot hide from yourself. Learning to be honest with yourself and face embarrassment of your mundane life head-on are paramount steps in giving yourself a foundation of self-love that, in my case at least, allowed to me to not be Depressed(TM) anymore.

[acorpsecalledcorva]

While I do definitely wholly agree that no perspective or technique is universally useful and helpful for everyone, I definitely think there is value in being open to the perspectives and techniques that we've dismissed in a limited and specific way when we struggle.

For instance, I use parts language and view the system, including myself as a part as all being part of a collective singular me. It's why I tend not to use we/us a lot. I, and the other mes take ownership of all actions taken by petty much everyone in the system because this creates a sense of cohesion and continuality that allow us to function. It reduces daily amnesia because we're not constantly trying to distance ourselves from each other and generally reduces friction around decisions trusting that they're made with the system in mind rather than personally for each part. HOWEVER, I've always hated myself. I have incredibly negative opinions about who I am and punish myself a lot for just being me or not being a better version of me. Any mistakes I make are treated with severe prejudice and I don't accept nice things because I feel like I don't deserve them.

I would never treat anyone else like that though, I wouldn't think these things about a friend. And so for these issues it IS useful to view my parts as completely separate people, to think of them as friends or colleagues or family, because I can show them the compassion I cannot show myself. If an alter fucks up or does something harmful I can remember that they come from a history of pain and isolation, I can understand their actions and forgive them, think about what they might need from me to heal and help them move on because I truly believe that everyone is deserving of rehabilitation.

Sometimes though, I have to reverse engineer this situation. Often an issue with persecutors is that they feel rejected, their actions and behaviours were once a helpful coping mechanism but when our lives changed and we moved on it became less and less appropriate to do those things. They get stuck doing the only thing they know how to do and become increasingly frustrated that it's no longer working or being appreciated by the system. They're hostile to everyone else because they've been treated with hostility and aren't open to reconciliation because by that time it's like "oh what? Now you want to talk? Fuck you". To write them off is to confirm what they think about themselves. That they're bad and evil and so what's the point in getting better because they don't deserve compassion or acceptance from the system. Sound familiar?

So what do I do? Well, from my distanced perspective I then have to approach it with curiosity. Why might I behave this way? What scenario might lead me to do these things? What environment might convince me that this is a necessary thing to do? Can I find empathy with this position or similarities? Could that be a point of connection through which to make a connection? To show that I truly understand what they're going through and genuinely want to help?

Or even, am I subconsciously a willing participant in this dynamic? I hate myself, right? Do I think I deserve these things to do be done to me? At one point in time is this behaviour what I thought showing love was? Is this what it meant to be cared for to me back then? Does this situation feel safer to me in a way because pain and suffering is the devil I know?

In Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott believes that we create painful scenarios for ourselves because our brains desire a more complete human experience, the good with the bad, and the more we conciously reject and resent the bad the more we desire it and create badness for ourselves. It is only by accepting this desire and gratifying ourselves by enjoying it and being grateful for the terrible things that happen that we can move on and seek out the good. Which is...definitely one of the takes of all time. I definitely take issues with the implications of victim blaming that are prevalent throughout her book, but there is insight to be drawn for sure. And in fact, the number one recommended approach to a persecutor is gratitude. To thank them for doing what they do, to show them that they're appreciated for their role and what they're trying to do, because from that position it may very well be more possible to provide constructive criticism. You have to mean it though, because by living in your head they can usually tell your true feelings.

And I completely understand why that might feel impossible to do when you feel like what they do is unforgivable, but there's a very important lesson that everyone needs to learn if they want to grow. And that's that sometimes it is up to us to take responsibility for a situation, even when we really shouldn't have to, even when it so completely isn't our fault or fair in the slightest. If what a persecutor needs to feel to change their behaviour is gratitude and acceptance, to feel that they really are a vital part of the system just like everyone else, and by providing this for them we can make things better for ourselves and the rest of the system, to create a net positive effect on all regards, then... shouldn't we? Not because of some moral duty to do the right thing or be the better person, but simply because things would be better?

Like, if there's a $1000 dollars on a table that's free for you to take, if you don't take it then no one will get it, it's only there for you to take or not with no judgement or consequences either way even if you feel like there will be, would you really not take it? And if not, then why? Do you think it's a trick? Do you think that you don't deserve it? You see how these all loop around and connect to each other?

This post is long and confusing because these situations are complicated and don't have any simple answers. All I'm trying to highlight and urge everyone to do is to never stop being curious. Always ask yourself questions, always approach something from a different angle. Especially when you come across obstacles that feel impossible. If anything that I've said feels completely wrong to you, rather than dismissing it as not being applicable to you ask yourself why you feel like it doesn't? If your persecutor is actually irredeemable and evil but mine are not, what makes you different than me? Is it easier for you to think that because then you don't have to put in the work? Does it make you feel special to have a kind of persecutor someone else doesn't? If what I'm saying right now offends you, is there a possibility, however small you think it may be, that deep down it might be true?

No, I don't think you can say for certain that every persecutor is a misguided protector, but what if the one you've decided definitely isn't actually is? What if you're wrong about them? What if you can fix it and make things better? Shouldn't you try? Why not?

[goodhickey]

1,9,13, and 15 for the ask thing!!! <3

YAYYY THANKS

1. what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

Dogs and wolves are number one, seriously. As a kid, I bonded with my first real best friend over our shared love of wolves, and I would talk to anyone I could about dogs. When times were hard for me, I could count on my dogs to be there. Studying dogs and wolves more closely has helped me to better understand people through the lens of animal behaviour, and has led me to my current job which is the only one I've ever had that's truly fulfilled me. I think about dogs and wolves often, and without my love of them I don't think I'd be who I am. secondly, my father. I don't think I could ever be the person I am without him. he is the most kind and empathetic person I've ever met, who taught me the value of doing good deeds in my community and in my family without needing to be asked. his kindness is infectious and makes me feel good to help others, and the relationship I have with him is one I wouldn't trade for the world. my only tattoo (as of now anyway!) is one I got because it reminded me of him. I can show it off if anyone wants to see, lol. for my last thing though, I'd have to go with an easy answer, one that applies to pretty much everyone: the internet. I'm a very socially averse person - not by choice - and have always found it extremely difficult to put myself out into the real world and meet people. online, I've been able to meet people from all over the world who have offered me perspectives and kindness I couldn't have found in my local community, even if I weren't too cowardly to look. my best friends in the world are people I never would have met in my life without the internet, and they've all shaped me in ways I don't think even I'll fully comprehend.

9. tell a story about your childhood

this ones a bit bittersweet, but this is always the memory that comes to mind when someone wants to hear an anectdote about my childhood. the last time I ever saw my childhood dog was a rainy day, when I was eleven years old. my parents are divorced, and the dog was my dad's, so I only got to see him every other weekend. but we were the same age when they adopted him, and so we were both eleven then. I had no way of knowing it would be the last time I ever saw him - as a child, I couldn't note any symptoms of anything to come, and it's not as if anyone would have told me. he liked to try and jump on me, but at his age and weight all he could do was rear up on his hind legs like an old horse. a few winters prior, my dad had built the old man a doghouse of his own, with a porch and a heater to keep him warm. it was a sunday, and we were playing in the yard. or, as much playing as he could do anymore. I didn't really mind him being slow. as a baby, they'd set me on his back and pretend to let me ride him. I was more than okay carrying his weight this time around. but it started to rain hard after not too long - and PNW rain storms are no light business. but I didn't want to leave him just yet, knowing that going inside meant finding my father waiting to drive me back to my mother's, somewhere I'd rather not be. so we retreated to the doghouse - comfortable enough for us both to fit inside, my dad was kind to his dog like that - and sat there for a while. he and I were both wet and panting, staring out into the endless sheet of rain as it poured over the grass. I held him, then, seeking warmth and maybe for someone to tell me I'd be okay when I left. I remember him pressing into my chest and sighing. maybe it was then he decided he had done everything he ever wanted. my dad found me in the doghouse not long later, helping me out as I waved goodbye to my beloved yellow lump. I found out only a few days later that he had passed in his sleep. peaceful, just fell asleep and never woke up. I sometimes wonder if, in his last dream, he could hear rain pooling on an old patio roof.

13. what are you doing right now?

laying in bed. I've been awful lazy the past few days. currently snacking (cheez its) in the dark with a candle going. might pick up my copy of the terror again, though it's been a while since I've read it.

15. what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

a doghouse.

[hellhoundmaggie]

5 comfort characters

Finally getting to this @cymatile. the notification email has been burning a hole in my inbox for weeks now and I'm glad to finally get to it!

The Beast/Prince Adam (Beauty and the Beast 1991) As a bookish autistic little girl, I of course identified very strongly with Belle. As a city kid in a small town, I still do sometimes. But as an adult, I find myself drawn to the other half of the pairing. Belle is of course a lovely young lady, and I appreciate how she only respects the Beast when he first extends respect to her. But let us face it, she is too perfect a character to be truly compelling. Beast is quite the work in progress, though, and that's what makes him so fascinating. You thrill as you watch him angst and snarl and throw his weight around -- first to frighten and threaten others, then to protect the woman he loves. You are charmed as he discovers joy and companionship, then mourn with him as he gives it up to return Belle's freedom to her. And you're just a little disappointed when he changes into a generically-handsome man, even if it does mean he and Belle get to live happily ever after. Plus, as the meme says: "I'll get that bitch a library. Bitches love libraries."

Shane (Stardew Valley) Okay, I've read all the criticisms many times. He starts out mean to you for no reason. He's a total slob and a sad sack. He never actually quits drinking. He looks like Ben Shapiro. And I gotta tell you: I cannot fault this very good chicken man for any of it. This is another guy that I feel no choice but to root for because he struggles with so many flaws. I appreciate that the game doesn't let you "fix" them for him: you only give him the help he directly asks you for. He makes the most important changes himself, and the stuff he doesn't change isn't a dealbreaker for me. Plus Shane kind of looks like my IRL spouse so I gotta love him just for that, y'know? I can't forgive him for liking gridball, though. As a nerd, jocks are my natural enemy. Sorry, I don't have a choice!

Entrapta (She-Ra and the Princesses of Power) Not a lot of people know this, but ND Stevenson called me up while he was developing the She-Ra reboot and asked for my input. I asked him, "Are you going to have a woman character with autistic coding in the show?" "Yes, we're going to have one of those," he said. "And is she going to have a special interest that few other characters in the show understand or empathize with?" "Okay, yeah." "Is she going to despair of ever finding genuine human connection and try to find solace in technology before learning that yes, there are people who care about her and value her uniqueness?" "Ooh, that's a good idea. Sure." "And can you pair her up with an angsty boy?" "I can definitely do that. Thanks, Maggie!" And that's why Reboot Entrapta is the way she is. You're welcome, everyone. 4. Wayne (Scarlet Hollow) I already post a lot about this guy, so I won't say much this time. I like him because he lets me explore the idea of being the subject of extreme passion and devotion in a way that doesn't put me in actual danger. I would never seek out that kind of relationship in real life, but love beyond proportion, beyond reason, beyond sanity is compelling in fiction. Plus he makes for some fun memes. 5. Mr. Pages (Fallen London) I love this big ol' nerd: its creative vocabulary, its book hyperfixation, and how bad it is at hiding the fact that it's not human. As soon as they put out the balance patch for Mask of the Rose, I am going to figure out how to smooch it, and you cannot stop me.

tagging nobody! Do this if you feel like it.

[vizthedatum]

I understand and hope this is a temporary feeling, but it’s moments like these when I feel like things are really unfair even though life is looking up.

I am focusing more and more on myself, and I love that!

My friend group is amazing.

I am trusting myself that my career and finances will get better with time.

I’ve put so much work into myself, my hobbies, and my living situation.

Yet, I still feel a pull toward wanting to build something with someone(s) in a meaningful and reciprocal way… and it bothers me that I don’t know if it will happen for me.

Because if it doesn’t, I’d like to know. I’d like to know so I can give up on the dream.

—

I attempt to give up on the dream nearly daily - even in the last year and a half when I’ve had partners.

I also wish so hard and come up with so many fantasies of what my dream would look like… and I break down crying every time.

What would it feel like to be present, in the moment, with a partner who I had a home with? To not feel alone even when I’m off doing my own thing somewhere else? To feel so safe… so safe that I put in the time and energy to keep it safe, with them?

What would it feel like to look at them and know from their whole vibe that they’re in this with me? That they’re not just going to conceal (intentionally or unintentionally) who they are or pleasure seek to fill in some void, but they’d work on being the best self they could be?

What does it feel like to choose, day after day, to be so mutually emotionally available, marvelously flawed, and deeply in love?

—

When I have disabling or very hard days like today, I do encounter many moments of fear, hopelessness, and anxiety: who will want me like this?

And lately I’ve been validating myself: I WANT ME LIKE THIS. FUCK IT, I AM GONNA TREAT MYSELF IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE.

I’ve been doing it even when I’m melting down, in pain, not being able to do anything, etc.

I can feel myself getting stronger.

But that fear remains.

Maybe I’m just meant to hookup and/or have shallow (shallower than I want - not a judgment/moral critique) relationships my entire life.

I am still having a hard time trusting people to want to stick around and respect me - to commit to me because I *also* fit into their life too. Will I ever fit into someone’s life, not out of force or want, but out of alignment?

I am deeply frustrated that people don’t show me how to love them - and I try haphazardly to do what I can, and I feel like I fall short or mess up.

It also sucks that I don’t feel valued, heard, desired, and wanted so much of the time - an issue that I know I need to work on personally… but I also wish more people were considerate of that.

I hate that I have concerns that take me so long to process and open up about - and that those are often not taken as seriously as I deserve them to be.

I am ANNOYED that I can’t just conjure up actual, real life, human partner(s) who want to nest and try to have children with me. Last year, I had told myself that wasn’t a standard for me, but I realized that it’s an overwhelming desire.

Currently, I don’t think I can have a non-nesting/not-co-parent partner without a nesting/co-parent partner(s) already established in my life.

And if I do have a baby by myself? I want to be completely single when I do it - I will not allow anyone to date me and not want to co-parent if I’m going through that process.

(It took some time and therapy to admit all this… and maybe it will change but that’s how it is for now)

I don’t want to date people who don’t treat me like a significant priority.

I hate that people initially love me for how I make them feel… and I feel heartbroken when I see their commitment fade while still wanting to reap the “benefits” of being in my life. Then call me crazy/manic or other derogatory terms when I want to figure it out… or worse, when they just detach without explanation.

I want something long-term and spiritually significant, and I feel like I just don’t know when, how, or where.

All I can do is focus on myself… and I know that’s the right path, but part of focusing on myself is to keep going after my dreams.

And as I said, I wish I knew if it was going to happen or not, because then I could kill the dream of having a partner/family… and authentically commit and proposition people who I love, who don’t want that.

[kalihaze604]

offline is the new luxury

Monday, January 15th, 2024

offline is the new luxury.

Seriously. I just deleted all my social media apps yesterday because I was starting to feel like my phone had simply become a time wasting device, and most of my “friends” and “followers” were not actually real friends, just frenemies and lurkers that wanted a livestream of my suffering to laugh at and someone to pity and point at and say “hey at least my life isn’t as bad as theirs?”. I don’t need leeches and lurkers silently hating and judging me. Go live your fucking life in the real world like I am?! It’s not hard to live without social media. It’s not hard to live without doomscrolling becoming a full time unpaid job. It’s so easy to stare mindlessly at a screen for weeks on end while you put your life on hold. It’s so easy to curate a fake image to sell lies to desperate fools. What isn’t easy? Actually being an authentic messy human being living life and trying to heal and recover! We live in a society that tells us that the poor deserve bad health because they can’t afford better and then we place the disabled in a complicated legislated poverty trap as a eugenics program to kill us off faster. Western medicine ain’t shit. It’s a failed experiment sponsored by big pharma’s elites. Same with the education system. Why do I need to pay for a degree when I can Google the answers and do my own research online? And find rare valuable books on the street or at value village for a couple bucks that silently whisper to me and say “I was left here for YOU to find me”. Like that thought about Google came from a rather shitty community member that stated “I don’t need a degree, I have Google!” And despite this person’s otherwise highly problematic views- this one seems to hold value. You don’t need to pay to find answers, if you want answers, either you search for them yourself or they come to you. It’s as simple as that. Anyone asking you to pay? Are you paying for their time and expertise? Their knowledge? Are they really an expert or just another fraud? It’s best to seek answers for yourself instead of paying a fraud. But Instagram is filled with people claiming to be healers practicing “medicine” without a license and getting rich off exploiting peoples suffering while making miracle claims. It’s sick. There are so many narcs online and in the sex work industry. But it makes a lot of sense- like these people are obsessed with their image and trying to pretend to be something they’re not which is easily attained via social media marketing pageantry. I don’t really have much of a fear of missing out anymore on online nonsense. You know what I’m ACTUALLY SCARED OF MISSING OUT ON? living my fucking life authentically without feeling like I need to prove anything or put my life on display! I am scared I’ll miss another day of sunshine before a week of rain because I chose to stay inside staring at a screen instead. Like it’s a sunny day today. I was supposed to be doing laundry right now. But I decided -ya know what, I’m gonna write a blog post about my thoughts and then reschedule laundry and go outside and get some sunlight on my skin (after applying spf of course like a good slut) and get some fresh air. Might go chill (literally) in a park with some lunch but I haven’t really decided yet where today will take me. I feel like I like the long form of blog posts better and I think this will be the only place I’ll be posting online for the foreseeable future. I don’t really care who reads this blog, it’s not really a space where I care about marketing myself to potential clients other than …idk showing my true self and personality and maybe that is scary or maybe that’s exciting and interesting to know that I’m not just a doll, I’m a living, breathing human being with a brain and a heart! Shocking, I know.

Why do I think that offline is the new luxury? It’s about simply not caring about the lurkers, the haters, the critics. Not comparing yourself to others, focusing on simplicity, decreasing stress and anxiety. It’s the whole “I’ll see you when I see you”, being mysterious and moving in silence so that nobody interferes because they don’t even know what you’re doing or where you are and can’t access you or bother you. It’s about independence. It’s about living my life in privacy. It’s about my own inner peace and healing my nervous system at the end of the day and I can’t do that when I’m doomscrolling or feeling so much rage at every single tweet I see talking about how brutally cruel this world has become and how evil people behave towards others. It’s not that I want to look away or stop feeling those emotions, I recognize it’s not good for my mental health to constantly be reading about hatred. There is so much hatred online! But anyways. My time is money. I no longer want to waste it on social media. I want to put my phone down and go live my fucking life. and that’s what I’m gonna do. Byeee

[katyspersonal]

Idk why you get hate when your blog is one of the most honest i have come across and your lore posts are so meta that i don’t even think most bb youtubers have discovered what you have lol. Y’all just got jealous haters.

It is far not the first time I've heard explanation that people are just jealous, really :') 👍 Like... That Alfred-chan (aka Clod Frollo) simply hated me and was jealous and latched onto the first chance to justify the unending wish to remove me is painfully apparent at this rate. Inventing up bigotry, harm and opinions that were never there to get the chance to declare someone you hate a "witch" is the oldest trick in the book! If you convince people the person is bad and harmful, you are automatically justified to treat them however you want.

It might be my lore, because they were really mad at the fact that I write essays on multiple occasions? Like, they try to paint it as me "having no life" or "being mad", but. dude. dude you are projecting. If the only way you could write essay on a topic you care about is abandoning all your chores and needs and/or getting mad at someone, then I have bad news for your intellect? :/ This is a very common attitude from people that cannot say anything interesting on their own and just post the same two-sentence brainlet takes about how much male characters/fans suck or how their [LGBT headcanon] is the only true interpretation and everyone who disagrees can't analyse media. 🤔 So how can they feel better about not having as many interesting headcanons or good theories? They've picked the low-effort way - to attempt destroying the value of "lore essays" by painting them as a bad thing! I will be real tho - they've gotten like, two asks about their headcanons in a lifetime (both about the same character, ironically) and shown that they CAN post something good when they want to, so eventually it is the matter of choosing low-effort way. Destroying is easier than creating!

It could also be freedom, and honesty, like you said. Some people's only trump card is being """good"""! Some people think if they put 'transphobes DNI' in their bio and regularly seek to call out bigotry that isn't here they are automatically a good person who is now allowed to stalk, harass, be toxic in general and push even genuinely innocent people under the bus. But I do not have to compensate for lack of personality and latch onto any ideology or activism - I am already a pretty awesome and interesting individual on my own. 😎 Not to mention how they have to put on the hard show of fighting "for the common good" to keep their following engaged, meanwhile I still have very genuine and deep support even despite my honest fuck-ups (forget the fabricated accusations!). I don't have any other theory than them knowing (maybe subconsciously) that by surrounding themselves by witch-hunters ideological soldiers, they've trapped themselves in the situation where if THEY fuck up - their "fans" will turn on them, if not cancel them. Building following based on ideology instead of shared interest (or one's own unique radiant personality, like mine 😎) is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Because... guess what? Correct, because that sort of people eats their own.

________________________

I'd appreciate no more personal asks like this for some time, because I genuinely start to feel guilty talking about myself so much (in my personal blog.... hmmm logical...). But again, kids, remember - you must make your worth with cool shit like talent, great personality traits, positively encouraging others, etc and not in ideology and making up witches you could "defeat". That person has the capacity by having some nice ideas, being able to craft stuff, drawing. They could easily win all the supporters they've lost back and outgrow me by LARGE merit if they apologised, admitted mistakes and committed to cultivating positive emotions, discussions and content. It is basically so easy and it is so much cringe to take so many Ls because of jealousy and obsession?

[scarreads]

For all those who suffer with mental health, you are not alone.

From when I was just 13, I started to notice a shift. External or internal i did not know. Speaking became harder, listening near impossible, I started ignoring every little aspect of my life. This is how my story starts, many others as well I'm sure.

Sitting here, writing this, expecting every aspect of it to be perfect i began to reimburse some of my worst moments. Seeking inspiration in my downfalls, stumbling along them, trying to find value in my struggles. Disheartening, i know. I don't just want to write some beautiful, captive story without meaning for others. No one is perfect and I'm here to share my imperfections.

Strolling through the lingering people, watching them laugh, watching them live. Running up to same old concrete spot my group sits in, i wait. Minutes trickle by, no one is showing. My hands begin to sweat, I'm clammy despite the harsh winter breeze. This isn't like them. I'm a little on edge when they trickle in one by one, merrily sitting down striking up conversations. Smiling at them all I pretend to be my usual confident self, not quite feeling it. They don't notice of course, if they did I wonder what they'd think.

Losing myself in thoughts of foul words and angry tears I forget where I am. Right, don't make a scene. Don't make a scene. They wouldn't do that..

Standing up, I head off' to class early, afraid I'd combust if not. I need to distract myself. Trying to focus on my teacher I notice a spike in my pulse, surely it's nothing right? Seconds feeling like hours, eyes burning, chest constricting, i notice how sweaty I am, how even when I’m panicked no one is paying any attention to me. Good, they would think I'm a freak. I'm safe, I'm fed, i have an education, I'm good at everything I do. Little did they know my "perfection" was a persona. Cmon, don't get distracted. Breathe in, hold, breathe out, repeat. Nothing. Shit, shit, shit, shit. This is bad, this is bad, I'm going to make a scene, people are going to hate me. I can already feel their ire, burning through my lungs, halting my breathing. Im stuck. The distinct feeling of acid running down my throat hitting my stomach is nauseating. I'm going to throw up. My vision was starting to blur, my body vibrating, my lunch fighting for an appearance. I have to get out. Excusing myself outside I burst into gut renching sobs. What is wrong with me?

[nyctophiliq]

hey!

i would like to request a match up for arcane.

i’m 21 year old woman.

I’m an autistic lesbian.

i’m 5’7

i’m an ambivert, i get energy from hanging out with others but after a while i need time to myself and i enjoy spending time alone. i’m very energetic, i am kind and caring, i am quite a funny person and i enjoy laughing and making jokes.

my hobbies are drawing, acting, writing and dancing.

i’m a black woman, black hair, big brown eyes, dark skin, my face is kind of a diamond shape, high cheekbones.

im a ESFP Sagittarius 🥰

your match-up and star messenger is . . .

SEVIKA (istp) !

you are the "fluffy and sharp edges" couple

sevika and you connect on your attention to detail and your abilities to adapt to change. you both value your personal space and while you love connecting with others or with them on a more serious level sevika is one for intellectual stimulation, which is what both of you are seeking just with different steps in mind.

you encourage sevika to break out of her comfort zone, and try some new things out before drawing judgment on them. she does have a drive for adventure and exploring the world around her, which will likely expand more as your relationship grows but she is so grateful you need some time to yourself and that you enjoy spending time alone just like she does.

sevika might struggle with keeping up with all your jokes since she is a thinker and less of a feeler, she might think that they make no sense and try to argue why it doesn't on a practical level. lots of your problems might stem from communicating, you might feel sevika is too logical, and too serious while she might think you are irrational and illogical. but it can be solved if the two of you compromise, that you understand she isn't trying to insult you and if she adjusts her speech accordingly.

you might think it's silly and that you would never think of sevika as someone who ever wanted to dance but there was a spark in her when she was little, that she wanted to be a performer but times demanded other things from her than her chasing her dreams.

some aspects of your relationship would be:

running away from the enforcer together, maybe even laughing at their slow ass (sevika will even pick you up if it's really serious)

bath dates !!! it's absolutely adorable what sevika can throw together for you in such a thigh space your bathroom is

wearing her scarf

"give her trouble and i will make your eyes into a christmas ornament."

MEETING EACH OTHER !

version 1

on the upper level of zaun, right under the city of piltover was a theater, a place to start if someone wanted to be a dancer or actor but couldn't afford the upper city's unfair prices for education and member fees. you spent the better parts of your days there, either for rehearsal or for shows. it wasn't an easy life to live, the directors were more than gruesome to listen to them, and like everyone else you needed some kind of escape- the last drop is exactly the place where you can blow some steam off, maybe hit up a good chat so you can rant. but with her sitting next to you, eyeing you for a minute before giving you a charming smirk, swirling her drink before finally opening her mouth.

"can i interest you in another round of your drink and maybe a smoke?"

version 2

silco was again dumping the newbies on sevika and she couldn't take it anymore, all of them broke vials, mishandled the packages, and let's not mention how nervous they became when handling a drop-off. she had to teach them, break them in, show them how to do it or else it would come off of her paycheck which was slim even without some rookie mistakes. then came you, someone, who seemed determined and not scared of the people who demanded shimmer but from something else. she took a liking to you the first day and she is not one for learning names, but she wanted to know yours.

"what's your name again? i wanna keep in mind whose neck i need to keep away from the knife."

YOUR SONG IS . . .

generous heart by maya hawke !