#i am just frustrated at myself. i want to do this my brain just does not fucking wanna cooperate with me

[starlightsuffered]

Nylons and Heels

Info - nylon and heel kink, mommy kink, needy Timothée, foot job, anal, premature cumming, public sexual acts, sitting on dick, a little hard dom, stepping on cock

He’d been kissing me hungrily in the cab, and before that at the house he’d been begging for a quickie before we left. I should have known my outfit would have made him go absolutely gaga.

A button up, white blouse with sheer peasant sleeves was accompanied with a black shirt. I knew this combo was a start, but it wasn’t the homerun my bottom half was. I wore dark, soft nylons and black high heels. He was such a sucker for nylons and heels. I didn’t quite know what it was.

The second he’d seen my legs he’d gotten on his knees and began to kiss up my legs. He treated me like a goddess, moaning that he needed his mommy. Ironically, we were going to meet his mother for lunch. I told him, through giggles he was being incredibly inappropriate.

“We could go to the bathroom, I’d be so fast,” Timothée promised. “Mommy I promise.”

“Baby boy,” I soothed and reached for his hand. I saw him wince and I knew he’d twitched just from the touch. This was how needy he got. I actually found it quite endearing.

“She’ll just think we’re late,” he whined. “That’s the worst that could happen. Fuck, your tits look great. I want to suck-“

I slapped away his hand from grabbing my breast. I gave him a hard look. He cowered back into his seat.

“You know that I’ve wanted to meet your mom for a while. You always speak so highly of her. We aren’t going to let your problem get in our way.”

“But, but- oh hi mom!” He cut his own self off to call out to his mother. I smirked and leaned back into my booth.

Nicole hugged me and we introduced herself. She seemed like a very sweet and wonderful lady. One would wrongly assume from Timothée’s kinks that he had mommy issues. He was very close with his mother. However, when he was horny, boy did he lose some brain cells.

He continued to give me needy eyes as we talked. I assumed he wanted me to excuse myself to the bathroom. Out of frustration, I lifted my foot and pressed my shoe hard into his crotch.

I expected a yelp of pain, I expected a glare, I may have even expected some tears, but none of that happened. Instead he made an odd strangled noise of pleasure. He white knuckled his cutlery and I felt his bulge pulse against the flat of my footwear.

“Mommy-“

“Yes Timothée?” Nicole asked. He grew even redder now. I realised he liked this. He liked the humiliation and embarrassment and having his hard on pressed. Was this why he loved nylons and heels so much?

“N-nothing, I just, I ohhh,” Timothée nearly squealed when I used my actual heel to squish his member. I wondered if it hurt, and found I didn’t care if it did.

“Alright, are you feeling okay? You are quite red,” Nicole noted.

“I’m f-fine,” he nodded as if to convince himself.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom, excuse me,” Nicole said.

“You’re going to kill me!” He hissed at me when she was out of earshot.

“Oh dramatics,” I said, taking a sip of water. I pressed harder on his cock. His eyes rolled back in his head and he made such a pathetic sound I giggled.

“Mommmmmy, please, I need you. Even if you just let me rut between your cost nylon covered thighs,” he wailed.

“You’re pathetic,” I chuckled.

“Yeah I am,” he nodded. “So pathetic for my mommy. I love heels and nylons and everything my mommy does to my subby dick.”

“You want me to tell Nicole you call me mommy,” I asked. He groaned at my tone and power.

Nicole came back and smiled at us. There was a bit more talk after that. She gave me many compliments and acted quite fond of me.

“Oh dear!” She exclaimed, when she looked down at her phone. She seemed worried.

“What is it?” Timothée asked.

“Oh, Pauline said the baby is super fussy and has no one to help. I hope you don’t mind if I send early and run over there.”

“No, it’s fine mom, you do what you need,” Timothée said, a little too eagerly.

“We’ve got the bill,” I told her softly.

Nicole had soon bustled out of the restaurant. I turned my heavy gaze on Timothée. He paled considerable.

“Get your cock out,” I purred.

“H-Here?” He squeaked.

“You wanted me to touch you so badly, so yes, right here,” I snapped.

“Y-yes mommy,” he whispered. I watched him as he put his hands under the table. I slipped off my heels.

I began to rub my nylon feet all over his cock. He was white knuckling the table. He was also panting and biting his lip so hard it looked like blood was blooming.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy,” he gasped and chanted. He was humping his cock between them. I pressed hard, squeezing his dick between my nylons.

“So soft, so good, m’such a slut for you,” he slurred as he laid back in the booth. He was powerfully thrusting his hips. He looked in total bliss, in complete abandon. He didn’t seem to mind he was in public.

“What a pathetic gooner, even mommy’s feet will do,” I teased.

“Anything will do, oh anything,” he promised,” he seemed so desperate. In was a a high on him. He was so sexy.

“Feel it,” I purred.

He did and he got close. I knew it from the way he acted.

“Mommy!” He begged.i removed everything.

“You want mommy?” I cooed? He squirmed in his seat and nodded. I played with his cock a bit more before I quit it completely

“Mommy pleaseeee!” He pleaded. I tried to ignore him.

I continued on. I kept alternating between pressing and stepping and rubbing on him.

“We’re going,” I snapped suddenly. I got up abruptly.

“Mommy?” He whined. He looked utterly pathetic. His hair was tousled, curls out of place. I noticed his lips were swollen from when he’d been biting them. His cheeks were bright pink.

“Come on, we’re going home,” I said, grabbing his hand.

“B-but I didn’t, I mean, I haven’t-“

“Awwwwww,” I chuckled and took hold of his jaw. “You think your cummies matter.”

“Fuck, it’s so hot when you’re mean,” he whispered.

“Come on,” I smirked. He was trying very hard to cover his boner as we made our way to the bus. Once we were on it I pushed him down into a seat.

“Mommy,” he moaned under his breath as I sat on his lap.

“Get it out,” I murmured to him. His breath hitched excitedly.

“You wanna put it in mommy’s ass? Huh? You wanna be squeezed by mommy’s ass on the bus? With all these people around?” I cooed.

“Yes, yes, yes,” he chanted, his voice going gooey with lust at the end.

Strategically we got out his cock. He nestled it deep inside me. He throbbed so hard and he was panting in my ear needily.

“I can’t fucking hold it,” he wailed.

“Be a big boy, don’t make a mess,” I instructed.

“I can’t fucking take it, I’m going to nut in your ass mommy,” he whispered hurriedly.

“Timothée-“

“Fuuuuuuck,” he whimpered and his torrents of cum began. His load was large from being teased. He was filling me up and unabashedly humping upwards.

“You’re such a naughty boy,” I giggled.

“M’sorry mommy, ass is so good,” he said in a dreamy voice. I didn’t know how we’d smoothly make it off the bus but for now I enjoyed his whipped demeanour. I wiggled, sliding down further on his cock. He was hardening again.

“Mommy,” he sighed. “You’re spoiling me.”

@pmak2002 @softhecreator @plutoispurplw @sp1deyyf4ngz @seungcheol17daddy @jesschalamet @vvsdreaming @lovelyrocker @therealbeabodoobee

[orcelito]

And what irritates me the most out of it all is that I bet my ex doesn't dream about me because she has her wonderful "love of her life" (I wonder how That's working out for her) that she broke up with me over fucking Text for after ghosting me for 2 whole days. So SHE doesn't have to worry about shitty dating apps and shitty dreams bc she's sooOoOoooOoOOo set with this random person she decided she was in love with after just 3 days.

UGH.

[talkorsomething]

want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald

[watery-melon-baller]

once again i am frustrated because i cannot understand this when it is not at all that difficult I wanna understand it so bad please please please

[lightningfilledsaber]

I'm so fucking sick of my brain

[coffin-upalung]

.

Tag vent, needed to get it out. TW suicide/SH/mental health/inaccessible care

[creekfiend]

I wanted to make a bonsai kitten recovery post that outlines some of the stuff that I've been doing. Because I don't think that you need to ✨see a therapist✨ to start dealing with a lot of this stuff and I get really frustrated when that is the answer that everyone is constantly giving. Firstly a disclaimer, because I know what website I am on: this is a guide for things that have worked for me! I am not everyone and if there are things on here that do not work for you or even that you think are stupid, that is fine, but please do not make it my problem. If you are reading it and you're like "that sounds like it would actually be detrimental to my specific mental health because of my specific issues" then please disregard it. Use your critical thinking skills and do what you think is right for you!

My second disclaimer is that I didn't make any of this up myself; most of these are collected from various places either in therapeutic guide books or various websites about emotional regulation etc. Some of it is stuff that I have extrapolated from those places based on experience with what works for me or does not work for me. A lot of the way that I treat myself when I need to get my body and brain into a place where I can think about stuff productively is actually directly from gentle parenting guides, because frankly cptsd recovery stuff is very often like parenting a toddler. And the toddler is you. ALL THAT SAID,

The first skill that I had to get good at, that many of the other skills depend on, is to learn how to understand when I am Reacting to something. If I am Reacting it is extremely likely that that's going to only escalate the situation and make it much worse. I HAVE to be able to tell if I am Reacting emotionally to something in a way that is coming from a place of fear and panic. This is important because it involves not being prescriptive about your emotions. You could be Reacting to something that you do not logically feel is at all justified in making you feel that way and that doesn't matter! You can't be doing math equations to try to come to the answer of how you SHOULD be feeling; you have to be observing your mind and body to see how you factually ARE feeling and then respond to THAT. This can be really hard to learn how to do especially if you were abused as a child. (If you cannot think of yourself as someone who is abused as a child perhaps it would help to think of yourself as someone who simply was not taught various emotional regulation skills for mysterious reasons that have nothing to do with your parents' inadequacies.) I need to be able to glance inward and see what the physiological reaction that I'm having is and identify whether or not I feel like this is the biggest emergency in the world that needs to be addressed right now immediately! That is a sure sign that Mr Fight and Mr Flight are in the building and it is bad to make declarative statements or important decisions when that is the case. So, I have to work on dismissing them first. That is literally the first step to any of this. One of my friends calls this "fire mittens," which is to say, if you are wearing mittens that are on fire and you try to touch stuff, the stuff will also become on fire. You have to put the fire out first before you can touch other things.

Once I have determined that I am indeed Reacting and in a physiological state of fear, I have a document in my notes app that is a "what to do when you are in fight or flight mode" guide and it has several helpful things that I will try to outline here.

Firstly, the really important thing for me for trying to get back into an emotional state where I'm capable of making decisions and being thoughtful is to feel safe and comfortable. So I actually have some stuff in my document that is straight up just like "go in the blankie nest. put on this specific music album. light this specific scented candle." etc. You might want to have a specific food or drink that is comforting to you or some other sort of stim toy that helps you regulate. If there's any calming medication or supplements for anxiety that you take as needed, now is also the time to do that. Physical sensory grounding is really important for this. This is probably especially true if, like me, you are neurodivergent, but I think it is also true for everyone because we are animals! And you can't just think about it, you have to actually do it. Which sounds obvious but is the thing that has often tripped me up in the past. Once you start getting into the habit of actually physically doing this it DOES become easier though.

One of my rules is that if I want to respond to something but I am in fight or flight mode, I don't get to respond to it for at least 24 hours. I'm only allowed to respond once I've gotten myself out of fear mode. If it is some kind of comment on Facebook that has set me off, often this means that 24 hours later I realize that I actually don't want to get into it to begin with, which is great. If it's something that is pretty serious and interpersonal with a friend, sometimes that means I have to communicate to them that I'm going to take a while to process it and then get back to them. IMPORTANT: You CANNOT do this passive aggressively or else it undermines the whole thing. You can't phrase it in a way that will make your friends think that you are guilt tripping them for "making" you feel a way. It is VERY tempting to do this when you are in the first stages of trying to form this habit and you simply need to resist the urge because it will render this step worthless. I know. It sucks.

If I am feeling fearful and insecure about friends or loved ones, I also usually try to spend some time thinking about the people that I love and care about. Because often this stuff manifest for me as insecurity that the people that I care about do not care about me, or that they think that I'm being annoying, or that they are secretly thinking mean things about me. It's obviously not good for me to constantly be imagining that the people in my life who I care about are actually avatars of my own insecurity who are here to tell me that I'm secretly fundamentally unlovable! But crucially also it's ALSO not fair to those people to imagine them as that. They are not that guy, they are their own complex human beings with their own lives and experiences and interiority. So sometimes I do thought exercises where I will imagine my friends or loved ones doing things in their everyday lives and I will think about them as people and I will think about the things that they like to do and the things that they say and the places that they go, and I will try to imagine them fondly in those circumstances. This helps to remind me that they are just people and that the scary puppet wearing their faces is not real. To this end I sometimes will have a document of screenshots of things that they have said to me that I can use to reality check myself. I personally find reality checks to be essential for a lot of this. Things can feel true when they are not true at all. Things can feel wrong when they are actually true. The point of most of these exercises is to gently remind myself that those feelings are normal for me to be having, but that I do not need to let them dictate my responses.

It is crucial throughout all of this that you are nice to yourself. You can't talk to yourself in a mean way while you're doing this, or you will not get to a point where you are feeling safe enough to react from a place of not-fear. You can't make yourself feel ashamed or defensive for your emotional reactions. This is the particular area where I find gentle parenting protocols helpful. You HAVE to be patient with yourself.

Ok that's all for now bc I ran out of steam but I will try to think of more to add on another day maybe. Godspeed everyone

[bumblequinn]

hi @sourpatchsquids! thank you for your question.

as an artist with ADHD, i know this struggle very well. unfortunately offering advice on this kind of thing can be tricky, because what works for me may not work for you (and vice versa!). nonetheless, i can try; take whatever works for you, forget the rest, or reshape any part of it as you see fit. :)

but before i offer any actual tools, i have one caveat. i want you to take a moment to reflect and consider if you should be:

changing expectations

the timing of this question seems fated, because just the other day i had a therapy session wherein i expressed my grief and frustration over struggling to work lately due to my seasonal depression. it's not fair that i'm struggling just because it got a little darker outside! i just want the spark i had in the summer! i was so much more consistent!

my therapist's response: nothing about human beings is consistent. we get sick, we get tired, we get hungry and thirsty (and thirsty) and sad and lonely and restless and stressed and overwhelmed. this all gets amplified for folks who are atypical in some way or another.

when my therapist compared our seasonal cycles to those of plants and other animals, who wilt and slow down and hibernate, i protested aloud that i wanted to be a perennial instead. at this she said: even perennials change with the seasons. rose bushes have to be pruned, sometimes down to half their height! it was a dose of perspective i didn't particularly want, but really needed.

so when you're struggling to work through executive dysfunction, burnout, or brain fog, it can help to first check in with yourself about a few things. what do you have the capacity for right now? do you need any accommodation? and if so, what changes you might make to accommodate yourself?

with practice and self reflection, i've learned a handful of specific routines that help me when i'm struggling with creative work, which i'll detail next. note that while your question is specifically about music and i am specifically a musician, i believe that all of these suggestions can apply to most any form of digital creative work.

with that in mind:

#1: work slower

when i'm at the top of my game, i can get a LOT done in a day. but when i'm depressed, fatigued, or distracted, i just can't go full steam. sometimes i'll try to convince myself that i can if i just push harder, but what actually ends up happening is that i'm just fiddling with settings and going in circles rather than moving forward.

instead of that, when i want to work a lot but can't, i try to work slow. how slow? however slow i need to. take four hours to figure out the melody for a single verse. take all day to figure out that drum groove. yeah, i take a lot of breaks in between. who says i have to be my Absolute Most Productive Every Day Or Else? that's the puritan work ethic talking. kill it. be kind to yourself.

i'm reminded of advice i once read about some super successful and prolific author (gaiman? king? pratchett?) who said they wrote only four hundred words every weekday. that's already less than the word count of this post, and i'm only—[travels into the future to check my final word count]... 22.8% of the way through writing it!

now, i don't think i could function that way, because ADHD means some days i'm hyperfocused like crazy, and other days i just have no steam at all (more on that in #4-6). but it seems to me that if even someone highly respected in their profession can achieve what they have with only a little bit of work on a regular basis, maybe i don't have to punish myself for not pumping out a finished work every single week.

doing less work per day means you're much less likely to burn out, which does a lot for working more consistently. if that consistency still doesn't look like a five-day work week, that's okay! as long as it helps you work even a little more often when you want to, it's something worth doing.

however, if you're still feeling truly stuck, all hope isn't lost. you can still try:

#2: switch projects

sometimes the reason i'm moving slow is because of a bad brain day, but sometimes the reason is that i just cannot muster the motivation to do the specific task i'm trying to do right now. ADHD is fueled by novelty and interest, and if i'm not interested in what i'm doing, or it's feeling stale, that's a sign that i need to switch gears.

this is why first it's helpful for me to have more than one project going at a time. this might mean completely unrelated works, or it might just mean related tracks as with the music for a game like SLARPG or susan taxpayer.

the idea here is not to start a dozen different projects and bounce around them like i'm playing whac-a-mole—though i have done that. (i don't recommend it.) the idea here is to have a manageable number of different projects i can be working on so that if i get bored or stuck on something, i have fallback options.

what that number of projects is depends entirely on the week. maybe right now it's two, maybe another time it's three. i would probably be getting carried away if i tried more than that, but that's just my own limit. maybe yours is different. that's something for you to think about.

but it doesn't have to stop there.

#3: switch focus

maybe there is this one project that i just HAVE to work on, but the task i'm trying to do at this stage just isn't coming to me. okay, well, why don't i try working on a different task?

let's say i can't figure out what i want to do with the melody in one part of the song:

what if i try jumping ahead to a different part of the melody? ...no, i'm stumped on melodies today. okay, how about working on the drums instead? ...hmm no, i think i'm just completely tapped out on writing parts right now. alright, what if i organized my tracks, making sure they're all grouped and named in a way that i can work with easily? what if i did a rough volume balance for the mix?

and so on. if that's not enough to shake the off stuckness, i might consider: what can i do to make this project more interesting to me?

what happens if i try using an instrument or effect that i almost never reach for? what if i try sampling something obscure? what if i bang out the drums using my midi keyboard instead of drawing it in on the piano roll?

any approach that breaks me out of my usual habits is bound to get that feeling of novelty and fun back when i need it.

or maybe i can't do any of that right now, and so i take the time to answer a question from a fellow musician instead. i consider that part of my work, too, in a broader sense. check in with yourself and figure out what you can do right now. the rest will still be there later.

but okay, let's say you try switching gears, and switching again, and again, and nothing is moving. you try new approaches, but that wall of awful is insurmountable in this moment. it happens! the next thing you might try is:

#4: learn something new

when you aren't able to make progress on your projects, you can still make progress on your knowledge and craft. i often find this stokes a flame of inspiration in me where there wasn't one before. and even when it doesn't, it still gets my brain out of that feeling of stuckness and dread and into one of thought and action. learning also benefits in the long term because it adds to the well of knowledge from which you draw for all your future works.

for all the awfulness that exists on the internet, it remains an absolute treasure trove of teaching. there's an endless ocean of videos, blog posts, and articles from which you might learn something about your craft. (and if you sail the seven seas, plenty of book PDFs as well. 🦜🏴‍☠️)

it's true that the quality and depth of information out there can vary wildly, but in my experience most resources get at least some things right. and the more you research, practice, and figure out what works for you, the better you will learn to differentiate between the advice worth keeping, and the advice to forget. (that goes for all of what i'm saying here, too!)

that said, since our shared focus is music, a few resources i would highly recommend are:

music theory and composition music matters, 12tone, charles cornell, music with myles, 8-bit music theory, and this introduction by andrew huang

mixing and production dan worrall (especially this series for fabfilter), kush after hours, red means recording, andrew huang, alice yalcin efe, in the mix

general inspiration nahre sol, ben levin, david hilowitz, game score fanfare, posy, jerobeam fenderson, open reel ensemble, and ELECTRONICOS FANTASTICOS!

(if any readers have their own helpful resources for creating music or any other media, feel free to share in the replies & reblogs! 💓)

of course, on an especially bad day, it might be a challenge to seek out information, let alone retain it. that can feel pretty bad, but remember: be kind to yourself. the next thing you might consider trying is:

#5: consume art you love

not just music. books. shows. movies. games. illustration. animation. whatever moves and inspires you.

but do it intentionally. don't just pull up some random thing the algorithm suggested! check in with yourself about what you want (or are able) to engage with right now. choose accordingly. if you get a little way into it and realize it's not scratching that itch, hit the bricks. check in with yourself again. wash, rinse, repeat, until you find whatever it is that speaks to you right now.

and do it actively, if you can. don't just let it go in one eye and out the other! really pay attention to the work. what do you like about it? what are its themes and motifs? what makes it work so well? what are its flaws, and how much do they matter? what might you do differently? you can write notes as you do this if it helps, but even simply noticing and thinking goes a long way.

what you don't want to do is come at this with a lens of shame or envy. you're not here just to say to yourself, "ugh, if only i could do THAT." it's okay if it happens. use that thought as a springboard for curiosity: "well okay, how DID they do that? do i have the resources for it? if so, how could i apply that to my own work? if not, how can i adapt it, or what do i need to learn?" keep your mind open and approach the work with a sense of wonder.

as a creative person, it's very easy to think, "i should be making something right now, not watching a movie!" but that thought forgets something vital: your art is a response in a conversation. of course the "language" you use is your own, and maybe if you're lucky you'll invent a new word. but most of the words you use have been around long before you were born. you're just one voice in a dialogue that spans continents and generations, and that's okay. it's even the whole point.

none of us is an island. we are profoundly social animals. just as we can't live without eating, we can't make without learning. so half of making art is consuming it. consider this part of the process as well.

and finally,

#6: rest, and live your life

let's say you're in really dire straits. you've tried working slower. you tried changing focus, you tried changing projects. you want to take in new information or actively engage with your favorite art, but you're not in the headspace for it. what now?

take a nap. take a walk. take a shower. eat a nice meal, or an okay one. talk to a friend. maybe even do that chore you've been putting off (you know the one).

it's human to always crave making, but you're not a machine—and even if you were, machines need regular maintenance, too! you wouldn't drive a car that's completely out of gas, and you won't do yourself any favors treating your body that way either.

i know that when you take a break it feels as though you're not accomplishing anything, but you are: you're taking care of your animal self. and while you do that, your creative brain doesn't stop working! much like windows, it has countless background processes running at any given moment, with inscrutable names like "cbdhsvc_692da" or "Microsoft Edge Update Service." it's true, i checked.

when you're stuck on a project and you step away to rest, your brain is still chipping away at your ideas unconsciously. i like to tell people, "it's percolating." much like waiting for a pot of water to boil, that idea is still heating up, even when you take a step away. just be sure to check in on it once in a while. the time will pass, and it'll be boiling again before long. :)

before i go, i'll leave you with one last thing to keep in mind as you try all of these strategies:

be kind to yourself.

being human is just about one of the hardest things you can do. let alone being a human trying to survive capitalism while living with disabilities! the last thing you need on top of that is to overwork yourself, talk to yourself negatively, or treat yourself harshly. there are plenty of other people in the world who do that to you—don't be one of them.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't try to challenge yourself, to test your limits and go above and beyond your ambitions, if that's what you want to do. just remember that hard work and self compassion are not mutually exclusive. so be careful not to bully yourself. take pride in the progress you make, even when it seems small. encourage yourself like you would a friend who's going through a hard time. and when you challenge yourself, be your own cheerleader.

i hope you find this advice helpful! remember, this is just what helps me, so don't feel like you have to follow any of it exactly. maybe taking time to learn new information helps break you out of your rut more than working slowly, so you reach for that tool first. maybe having multiple projects going at once is too distracting for you, so you prefer to stick to one at a time. whatever your needs are, feel free to alter and adapt these ideas to fit you.

thank you for reading, and i wish you the best of luck in your creating.

with care, bee 🐦

[berfgrimm]

power hungry animals :: choi su-bong x reader

pairing: choi su-bong (thanos) x f!reader

warnings: drug use, swearing, death/violence, dirty talking, groping, angst, fluff, and i think that’s it?

note: this was a request and i hope it is what you’re looking for. it’s just shy of 9k words, which I haven’t done in a very long time. i truly appreciate you requesting this and helping me shake more of the cobwebs off of my brain. thank you all for reading and requesting and being so incredibly nice. enjoy!

———————

You know Su-bong won’t be happy when he sees you. That beautiful, bright smile of his has long been absent from most of your interactions since the crypto catastrophe. But in this moment? Trapped in a seemingly endless building with more strangers than you can count, prepared to compete for money? You venture to guess that his reaction won’t be a positive one.

In all fairness, you didn’t know that he had joined this game as well. You’d overheard someone at a train station talking about the game, and the idea popped in your head — Su-bong always does everything he can for you, maybe you could return the favor for him. How were you supposed to know that he would have the exact same plan in mind?

You first spot him when he is at the head of the group, complaining loudly about his limited edition shoes. It’s the most on-brand you’ve seen him, and you have to stifle a laugh as you listen to him whine. Part of you wants to approach him and tease him about his inflated ego, but you don’t know that you’re quite prepared for the conversation that will follow yet.

The guards in pink explain that the group will need to sign consent forms to play the games. It seems odd given the kind of games you expect to play, yet you brush off your concerns. You fall into line but slowly push your way through the crowd to get closer to Su-bong. You figure the best way to get his attention is casually, as if you didn’t see him first, so you keep your distance for a while to work on your surprised reaction.

You remain as aloof as you can, knowing that he’s only a few people away from you at this point and he’ll likely notice you any minute. Sure enough, you hear him call your name. You scrunch your face in confusion, as if to say ‘who would be calling my name in a place like this?’. Looking around at everything in the room before you land on him, you widen your eyes in surprise, feigning shock.

“Su-bong?” you ask, hoping you sound believably shocked to see him. He pushes his way through the crowd to get to you, his face between a scowl and confusion. “What are you doing here?” you ask, innocently.

“I’m here to get back the money I lost,” he says. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to help,” you say, your confidence faltering as you notice that people are beginning to stare. “I didn’t know you’d be here, too. I was going to win it to surprise you.”

“What, you don’t think I could earn back the money myself?” he asks, incredulously. “You think I’m some sort of idiot who can’t take care of myself?”

“Su-bong, I never said that,” you reply, voice firm but speaking quieter in an effort to get him to lower his voice as well. “I wanted to help, like I said.”

“I didn’t ask for your help!” he snaps. “I’m not a child. I’ll fix my own problems. You’re not signing that form.”

“Yes, I am,” you say, with a chuckle.

“No, you aren’t,” he says, his tone firm. He doesn’t normally use such a demanding voice with you unless he’s looking to be more playful. You feel a small flutter in your stomach and you blush slightly, lowering your gaze to compose yourself before you respond.

“How do you plan to stop me?” you answer, looking into his eyes again. You’re surprised to see an amused look on his face when you first lock eyes with him, but it quickly fades into frustration at your words. He lets out a huff, and you half expect him to stomp his foot in childish protest, but instead he curses under his breath and turns away from you.

As you watch him storm away, back to his line, you drop your shoulders. Out of all of the ways you could have imagined that conversation going, that one never would have crossed your mind. You quickly glance at the others around you, finding their eyes still on you. It brings a flush of embarrassment to your cheeks that they overheard the conversation that you had with your boyfriend, so you drop your gaze to the ground and await your turn to sign your form.

You know that he’s irritated. You can hear him griping about the streamer that ‘tricked him’ into his crypto investment, along with all of the empty threats of retribution. Of course the streamer in question is also here which confirms what you heard about him losing his money along with everyone else who invested in the doomed cryptocurrency. You have to turn away as you hear him confront the streamer, Myung-gi, knowing that even though he’s amped up, he won’t do anything too crazy. Still, you don’t want to watch.

The guards usher the group out of the dorm and down a hallway into a pastel maze that appears to stretch on forever. You follow along with the crowd, hearing Su-bong somewhere nearby, chatting obnoxiously with one of his new friends. You’re quickly brought to an open area where the group is directed to break off into smaller bunches, and file in to have their pictures taken. You note where Su-bong is, and choose the line that is beside his, still trying to keep your attention on him. By this point, he’s being flocked by a dozen people calling out his stage name, practically prepared to bow to him.

As much as you try to ignore the conversation, you can’t help but overhear them beg for selfies. You watch them pile into the photo booth with him to be photographed, and it makes you roll your eyes. Much to your surprise, Su-bong spares you a fleeting, displeased look before he scans the crowd as if in search of someone in particular.

“Hey!” he calls out to someone. You follow his gaze to see the woman he’s speaking to; a girl you’d overheard complaining about the style of clothing they’d forced you all to wear. “I don’t mind having another person,” he continues. “Come on.” He gestures for her to join the group but she brushes him off, which causes you to laugh. Su-bong is unbothered until he looks at your amusement at the situation, which causes another scowl to spread over his face.

The guards hurry the fawning spectators away from Su-bong, explaining that they’ll need to take individual pictures, so you quickly tune out, focusing on your line. You wait your turn to get your photo taken, before following the group through the maze. The walk drags on for longer than you expect, and the duration of the journey is filled with the sounds of Su-bong — well Thanos now — chatting furiously with his friend, player 124. Having a hype-man like this always exacerbates things, sending him spiraling into Thanos territory.

Walking into the playground-esque field, you keep some distance from Su-bong, not wanting another interaction like before. However, you still search for him in the crowd, spotting him slinking up behind the woman from earlier, a smug grin gracing his lips. You don’t immediately realize that you’re frowning as you watch him continue to flirt, a twisting in the pit of your stomach making it impossible to look away. You hate when he gets like this.

There exists two versions of your boyfriend, and one of them is tied to his stage persona. You didn’t enjoy when that version would show itself, though generally it didn’t involve him openly hitting on other women in front of you. He saves this version for the fans to boost the image, and he never lets the full ego bleed over into your personal lives.

Crossing your arms over your chest, you let out a sigh, watching the woman rebuff his advances even as he tries his best to freestyle for her. That’s generally something he saves for you — spitting verses about whatever menial task you’re doing or about how he loves to look at you. He loved to do it to make you laugh, or other times to make you blush. This is how you know that he’s doing this to upset you; at least you can take solace in the fact that she’s not falling for it.

It doesn’t work on everybody, you think with a shrug.

You notice everyone’s attention focusing at the far end of the yard, so you look as well, finding an enormous statue of a girl staring down the group. It was unnerving to say the least, but still, you wander into the yard to find out what is in store. As you wait, you spare another glance towards Su-bong to find him still chatting to the girl from before. You’re tempted to storm over to him and give him a piece of your mind, but before you’re able to, a man pushes his way to the front for the group and shouts for attention.

The man appears frantic, ranting about how people are going to get killed if they play the games. You look around, gauging if anyone believes him — the room appears mixed, some people showing signs of fear but others brushing off his warning. His words make you feel anxious, whether they’re true or not, and briefly you wish you were nearer to Su-bong so you could feel calmer, but you have to remind yourself that you’re still annoyed with him.

Once the game starts, everyone heeds the words of the man in front of them, staying perfectly still during each call of ‘red light’. You try to take yourself out of the moment, worried that if you focus too much, you’ll start to tremble. The booming voice of the man, player 456, echoes, making sure everyone follows orders exactly.

Suddenly, a pop rings through the air, reverberating off of the walls. You’re tempted to look to the sound, but you opt to stay still instead, focused on winning. Silence is still surrounding you, until the screaming begins, and a round of pops echo through the air. Are those gunshots?

On the ‘green light’, you glance in the direction of all the noise and see several bodies on the ground, specifically the woman Su-bong had been flirting with. Your boyfriend stands surrounded by bodies, fumbling with the cross he loves to keep his pills in. He makes eye contact with you, and you can see the panic in his eyes even across the yard. You take a few frantic steps in his direction, prepared to run towards him, but the call of ‘red light’ stops you both.

The time between the call of ‘red light’ and ‘green light’ feels like it stretches on for eternity. You and Su-bong stare at each other across the sea of people, desperate to reach one another. As soon as you’re able to move, you sprint towards him, not caring about running into other people on the way.

When you’re about to reach him, mere feet away, you skid to a halt at the call of ‘red light’. Su-bong is frozen with his arms outstretched towards you, waiting for the next call to move. In his eyes, you see a dozen different emotions. You have been with him long enough to read every single one of them clearly, especially the look of apology that you hope he knows you accept.

Finally, you’re able to move and you all but collapse into Su-bong’s arms, holding him firmly to you. He turns his back to the statue at the end of the yard, keeping you in front of him with your face pressed to his chest. Just in time for the call of ‘red light’.

“Stay close,” he mutters, voice shaking. “Do not lose sight of me. If we hold hands, it might slow us down.”

“Mhm,” you agree, feeling him trembling in your arms. “You didn’t take one of those pills, did you?” His lack of response tells you everything you need to know: he’ll be out of his mind within a few minutes.

“Just stay close,” he repeats.

The next several minutes seem to drag on forever. You follow the instructions of player 456, falling into lines with other people to stay undetected. You remain directly behind Su-bong as best as you can, but he seems to forget that you’re meant to be following him. He moves fast and even leaps in the air, as if overjoyed with his experience. You blame the pills.

When you’re frozen during one call, you swear you see Su-bong shove the person in front of him, sending them tumbling into two others before they all fall to the ground. You tense up as gunshots ring out, and blood splatters over your pants and shoes. Thankfully, the finish line is in sight, and it only takes one more call of ‘green light’ to have you and Su-bong crossing together.

He pulls you close to hug you, but the hug feels odd. He doesn’t hug you as though you’ve both just been through a life threatening situation together. He doesn’t hug you as though people are still actively being murdered in front of you. He hugs you like you won a team trivia contest, like you were friends on a night out. At that moment, it’s just a game to him. Those fucking pills.

Once the game ends and you’re all escorted back to the dormitory, everyone sits in silence, traumatized. Somewhere in the trek back to the dorm, you lost track of Su-bong but you find his purple hair quickly in the crowd, where he sits with player 124, both of them chatting quietly to one another.

A buzz rings from the speakers, light being restored and the doors open to reveal the guards entering. The main guard from earlier in the day, with a square printed on his mask, explains that ninety-one people were ‘eliminated’ in the first game. Your stomach lurches at the thought, and you have to fight not to vomit. Closing your eyes, you hear an older woman begin to plead with the guards to spare her life, and she is quickly joined by a symphony of other voices begging for the same.

Until player 456 steps forward to demand a vote. The guards oblige but not before revealing the total amount earned from the first game. The others quickly become entranced by the glow of the piggy bank, watching the money continue to fall until the total is revealed — everyone would get twenty-four million each. It’s not a small number by any means, but it barely puts a dent in the staggering 1.9 billion won debt that Su-bong has. You sigh, burying your face in your hands; this game was for nothing.

The vote begins and you wait for your number to be called, knowing that you will be up to vote before Su-bong. With your eyes trained on your feet, you focus on the blood splatter on your shoe that you want so desperately to disappear. There's no reason for you to press the ‘O’. You’d rather be at home with Su-bong, cuddling on the sofa, watching television. Drowning in debt, but in love.

Su-bong has not spoken to you since the game ended. Part of you wants to take it personally that he abandoned you after the game but the other part wants to fight him in the middle of the room for everyone to see. You stand in a crowd of strangers feeling more alone than you have in a long time. But as if he reads your thoughts, Su-bong finally comes bounding through the crowd towards you.

“There you are!” he exclaims, placing his free hand on your shoulder. “I thought I lost you out there.” You shove him away from you and watch the numbers change on the screen above the voting podium. “What’s wrong, babe?” he inquires, cocking his head to the side to get your attention.

“I can’t stand you when you’re on this shit,” you mutter, avoiding eye contact with him. “This is serious and you’re acting like it’s a a fucking joke.”

“It’s a children’s game!” he laughs. You roll your eyes in response, forcing yourself through the crowd to get away from Su-bong, desperate to avoid more conversation, but he follows behind you. “How are you going to vote?” he asks quietly, slipping behind you.

“Are you kidding me?” you ask, glaring at him over your shoulder. “I’m voting to leave. This is insanity.” Su-bong looks confused, so you continue. “I’d hope that even with that stupid pill in your system,” you begin. “You’d have enough sense in your head to realize that we’re in danger.”

“What’s life without danger?” he laughs.

“I can’t handle this right now,” you sigh. “Please leave me alone, Thanos.”

You know you shouldn’t have said it. You never called him that, you swore you wouldn’t. The same way he swore he would never be that guy towards you, the egomaniacal, vapid, smug Thanos. Sure, there are times where the residual effects of his alter-ego turns him into a possessive and sometimes dominant version of himself, and as much as you are embarrassed to admit it, you really enjoy it. But that is something generally done in the privacy of your own home, meant for fun. Not this. You immediately want to take back the name-calling, but you both know he pushed too far.

“Okay,” he replies, softly, moving back through the crowd to join player 124 again.

The numbers on both sides continue to rack up until your number is called. You lift your head and catch everyone’s eyes on you, waiting for you to cast your vote. The crowd splits so you can make your way through, and you hear Su-bong whisper your name sharply, trying to get your attention. Instead of looking, you ignore him, walking directly to the podium at the front of the room.

You stare down at the buttons, your mind set on pressing the ‘X’, yet you still find it hard to bring yourself to do it. You want to see your boyfriend happy again, but you know that even with your winnings combined, you won’t have enough to pay his debt. Still, you don’t want to watch him be murdered in the name of financial gain.

As your hand presses down on the red ‘X’, a buzz echoes through the room and a red light illuminates your face. There’s a murmur through the crowd that you ignore, accepting the velcro ‘X’ to affix to your jacket. You don’t bother looking at Su-bong as you join your group of voters, knowing there will be nothing to say to him.

Only a handful of other people vote before Su-bong, who is nearly giddy when he stomps forward to slam his hand onto the blue ‘O’ without hesitation. You drop your head, gaze on the floor as you struggle not to break down into tears. In the back of your mind, you know you can hear player 456 going into another tirade, but you’re unable to focus on what he says.

Until you hear Su-bong’s voice once again cut through the noise, you didn’t realize an argument had broken out between the groups. Su-bong breezes past you, heading straight for player 456.

“If you really won, that’s better for us,” he says. “You can give us tips on how to beat the games.” You sigh, closing your eyes, feeling as though you’re on the verge of blacking out from how overwhelming and surreal this moment is. You crouch down to the ground, clenching your head between your hands, trying desperately to keep your composure as the crowd starts to cheer.

We’re going to die here, you think.

———————

Dejected and scared, you stare in disbelief at the numbers on the board. You’re trapped here for another game by one vote. If your boyfriend had stuck with you and realized how dangerous this game was, you would be on your way home in no time, almost fifty million won richer.

Your legs feel as though they’re made of concrete, dragging along with your tired body as you wait in line to receive food. Just as you you have your food and get settled on your bed to eat, a scuffle breaks out nearby. You look up just in time to see Su-bong land a punch across Myung-gi’s face, then stomp on him while he’s on the ground. You jump to your feet, leaving your food on the bed as you start to walk closer. Suddenly, player 001 interrupts to stop the fight, and you feel a moment of gratitude to the man who is also responsible for you still being in this game. That is until the man grabs Su-bong by the throat.

Player 124 rushes to help but is quickly thwarted by 001. The rage is once again on Su-bong when 001 delivers several punches, before rendering him to the group by wrenching his arm. You clamber down the steps to head over quickly, when you notice Su-bong still on the ground with 001 above him, holding him by his throat and fist cocked back, prepared to punch.

“Hey!” you exclaim, dashing over to break it up. “He said he’s sorry! Let him go!”

You shove at 001’s shoulders, desperate to get him away from Su-bong before he causes irreversible damage. When the other man peers up, gauging the pleading look you give him, he releases your boyfriend and stands upright again. You ignore the claps and cheers from the other players, opting to crouch at Su-bong’s side to check on him.

“Are you okay?” you ask, softly, attempting to cup his jaw to tilt his head towards you. However, he pushes you away, albeit somewhat gentle, and he scrambles to his feet to return to his bunk. You can only sigh, knowing that he is likely embarrassed over the altercation, so you return to your bed to get your food, before you decide to offer the olive branch.

When you reach Su-bong’s bed, you glance around to get a good view of how secluded it was. You momentarily search for a small joke to make to cut through the palpable tension, but you brush off the idea when you see him avoiding eye contact with you.

“Did you eat?” you ask, taking a step closer to his bed. “It’s not as good as your mom’s food, but it’s okay.” With a frown still on his face, he spares you a glance before he shrugs in response. “You’re actually going to be mad at me right now?” you pushed. “You? The one who flirted with a girl just to get back at me for trying to help you?”

“I wasn’t—”

“You voted to stay, Su-bong.”

“I thought I was ‘Thanos’,” he retorts with a sarcastic tone, crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall.

“You’ve certainly been acting like it,” you answer. He scoffs, rolling his eyes, shifting his weight so he can turn his attention away from you.

“You shouldn’t have come here,” Su-bong mutters.

“You shouldn’t have, either.”

“It doesn’t matter about me,” he dismisses. You narrow your eyes and tilt your head to try to catch his gaze but he avoids it. You toss your remaining food items on the bed and move to crouch down in front of him. The scowl that he tries to maintain falters into something more forlorn, but he still refuses to lock eyes with yours. Your heart sinks as you begin to realize what he means.

“You matter a lot to me,” you whisper. “More than anyone or anything else, as a matter of fact.” He shrugs, so you keep going. “You always think it’s you against the world, especially since this crypto bullshit happened,” you continue, placing your hands on his thighs to lean in closer. “It’s me and you, Su-bong. Your problems are my problems. I’m not here because I think you can’t solve your own problems. I’m here because I love you and I would do anything for you. And this is my problem too.”

Finally, Su-bong looks at you; his appearance manages to be distraught and enamored simultaneously, causing your heart to skip a beat. One of his hands cups your cheek and pulls you towards him, pressing his forehead to yours. Both of you stay silent for a few moments until you finally have to speak.

“You have blood on your face,” you whisper. “I think it’s that girl’s.”

“I’d rather have you on my face,” he teases. You shove him away from you, stifling a laugh while also feeling yourself blush at his innuendo.

“That’s not funny, Su-bong,” you say, firmly, struggling to keep the smirk off of your face. You reach towards the end of the bed, grabbing your bottle of water and twisting the cap off.

“Why’d you laugh at it, then?” he asks, watching you pour a small amount of water onto the end of his jacket to use it to wipe his face. “You think I’m funny.”

“I think you’re annoying,” you reply, raising your eyebrows with a chuckle as you finish cleaning his face.

“You think I’m sexy,” he teases, tilting his head to the side, trying to look into your eyes.

“Well, you are my boyfriend, so that would make sense.”

“I saw the look on your face earlier,” he pushes. “When I did the thing you love. Telling you what to do…” Your cheeks flush at his words, and you continue to wipe at his face even though all the blood is gone — you can’t look him in the eyes. “I know you want to pretend you don’t like it,” Su-bong goes on. “But I know everything about you, babe. I think you like it when you get to be my good girl.”

“And I think we’re trapped in a place that we may never leave,” you reply, hurriedly, to avoid him saying anything else to mess with your head. “I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. So, I think we should focus on getting out of here. We can worry about everything else after.” Su-bong lets out a small laugh that turns into a sigh.

“Don't worry,” he nods. “I’ll keep you safe.”

“You sure?” you ask, tugging slightly on the blue ‘O’ patch affixed to his jacket.

“Positive,” he answers, leaning in to give you a soft kiss on the lips. “I’ll always take care of you, babe.”

———————

In a part of your mind, you want to believe that Su-bong will change his mind about continuing the games. You’d love to think that he’ll run up to the podium and slam his fist onto the red ‘X’. But you also know that he’s impulsive and impressionable, especially when being hyped up by yes-men, much like player 124. As much as you’d like to keep him away from the others while you ride out the next game, you’re disappointed when you file into the second game to be told that you’ll need to separate into groups of five.

Of course Su-bong immediately grabs your hand, but, much to your dismay, he also drags along player 124 (whose name you found out is Nam-gyu). He brings both of you with him as he searches for another friend named Gyeong-su. When you finally find him, and see that he has acquired a friend named Min-su, you feel a level of unease that is concerning. You don’t trust the rest of your group to keep Su-bong on the right path.

“Do you think you can spin the top?” Su-bong asks, keeping his voice low to not be heard by the others around him. He’s standing directly behind you, his hand placed on your lower back to keep close.

“I don’t know,” you sigh, watching the group that is currently participating in the game. “I was never very good at it.”

“I plan to do jegichagi,” he says. “I’m really good at it.” You roll your eyes at the smugness in his tone, but when he pinches your side playfully, you giggle in response. “I think you should do the top,” he goes on. “That way you can be next to me.”

“I’m not going to pick that one just so I can stand next to you, Su-bong. That’s silly, I should be on the one I’m most confident about.”

“I’d rather have you next to me,” he insists. “Just in case.” His voice lowers for the last sentence, and you quickly catch his meaning — in the event that it would be your last moments together.

“Okay,” you nod, craning your neck so you can peer into his eyes. “I can try.” He gives a curt not in response, pulling you closer to him as you both focus on the game again.

During the excitement of several teams doing well in the game, you manage to accidentally separate from Su-bong for a few moments. Unfortunately, when you link with him again, as he talks with Nam-gyu, he’s acting noticeably different. You glance back and forth between the two men, finally focusing on your boyfriend who laughs at the stern look on your face.

“Are you kidding me?” you snap, planting both hands against his chest and shoving him hard enough for him to take a stumbled step backwards.

“Babe, what is it?” he laughs, placing his hand to his chest to feign an injury.

Every fiber of your being makes you want to punch him right there in front of everyone. You’re completely incensed that he would take another pill after the conversation you had the day before. Instead, you separate yourself from him, standing at the end of your group, next to Min-su.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Su-bong calls out, but you ignore him.

It’s a struggle not to cry. Watching your boyfriend spiral out of control during the most serious situation either of you have ever been in, you feel powerless. No matter how much you try to keep him focused, he does everything he can to do the exact opposite. You stare at a spot on the wall, trying to wish yourself into any other place in the world than right here, right now.

You picture your favorite day with Su-bong, before he took on the Thanos pseudonym. His hair was pink then — damn, you loved his pink hair. He had an important gig that night at a club that you both frequented, and he was nervous. You spent the whole morning in bed together, kissing and touching, sharing your deepest secrets with one another. The gig that night was the best performance he’d ever given, and was what launched his career. That day, you decided you’d spend the rest of your life with him if he’d let you. You never realized how brief that time could be.

The sound of gunfire brings your daydream to a screeching halt, pulling you back to reality to see both teams have been executed. You bury your face in your hands letting out a quiet sob.

“It’s our turn, babe.” Su-bong’s voice rings in your ears, and you lift your head to see the other members of your team standing around you, waiting. “Come on,” Su-bong says, holding out his hand for you to take hold of.

“I don’t think I can do this,” you rasp, teams brimming your eyes. “Baby, I’m so scared.” Su-bong’s face drops and he quickly crouches in front of you, holding your shoulders.

“Me too,” he says, quietly. “But we can get through this. I promise.” You become transfixed on his eyes, looking past the blown pupils to really try to read him. You can see the fear and the worry, but also you find the honesty of the man that you love with your whole heart. “Let’s go,” he nods, taking your hand and pulling you along with him to start the game.

———————

Traumatized doesn’t begin to cover your current state. You have no idea how the five of you managed to pass the game, given how scared you were and how delirious Su-bong was. It was a miracle.

Now, your group has returned with the successful groups to the dormitory, where you and Su-bong have excused yourselves from the others. You chose to sit on his bed as the bunk is more secluded from the others, affording you some privacy. Su-bong sits at the head of the bed with his back against the wall. You have chosen to sit between his spread legs, resting your back against his chest. Your hope was to let the sound of his breathing and the calm beat of his heart soothe you, as it normally did when you fell asleep together, but both are too erratic for you to derive any serenity from.

“I told you we would get through it,” his deep voice rumbles through his chest, the sound so smooth when it hits your ear.

“For now,” you reply, placing your hands on his knees, gently fisting the material of his pants to calm your nerves. “What happens if they vote to stay again?”

“Then we keep going,” he says, breezily. “That’s all we can do.” His breath tickles your neck as he lets out a sigh before placing a soft kiss just above the collar of your shirt. You tilt your head to the opposite side to give him room as he trails kisses slowly towards your ear. Once you feel his teeth graze your earlobe, you hum tenderly, giving his head a gentle shove away with your own.

“What are you doing?” you ask. “We can’t do this here, I told you that.”

“I haven’t been able to touch you in days,” he whispers. “All of this stress has been making me feel out of control. I need to remember what you feel like.” Su-bong’s hands slip around your body, cupping your breasts and pulling your body back against him firmly. “I love you so much,” he rasps, fingers massaging your chest as you squirm against him. “What would I do without you?”

“You’d probably be dead,” you breathe. Su-bong laughs, slipping one of his hands higher to wrap his fingers around your throat. He urges your head back onto your shoulder and tightens his fingers around your neck. “I’d miss your mouth the most,” you say, looking up to him and blinking slowly. “And your hands.”

“Didn’t you just say we can’t do this here?” Su-bong asks with a laugh in his chest. “But you want to tease me?” He keeps his hand on your throat, but slides the other hand between your thighs to carefully pry them apart. “What am I allowed to do then?” Su-bong asks. “Can I touch you here? You love my hands and my mouth so much…if you promise to be quiet, I can show you how much my fingers and tongue love you, too.”

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” you breathe, as he teases you through the fabric of your pants. “Not…not here.”

“Where?” he asks, desperation in his voice, moving his hand to squeeze your thigh now.

“Not in this place,” you clarify, closing your eyes. “The sooner we’re out of here, the better. Back to our bed where you can see what you’ve been missing.”

“Are you trying to persuade me to vote how you want by promising me a taste of what’s already mine?”

Su-bong’s voice is deeper now, sending your head reeling & your breath stuttering. This is the ego that you love from him, that small taste of Thanos that drives you crazy. You’re temporarily stunned, lost in the sensations his voice and touch give you, but you quickly become aware of where you are. Your eyes open, and you can hear the noises of the dozens of people in the dorm with you.

“Su-bong, please,” you insist, tugging his hands away from you. “This place is filled with death, I don’t feel right doing this here. I can’t.” You begin to push yourself away from him, an effort to sit at the end of the bed, but he stops you, wrapping both arms around your midsection to keep you against him.

“I’ll behave,” he sighs. “I’m sorry.” You cuddle against him, closing your eyes and getting comfortable, feeling finally how exhausted your body really has become.

You fall asleep thinking of when you met Su-bong. Your friend dragged you to a club to see a DJ they had a crush on. It wasn’t necessarily your kind of scene, and you found the DJ to be subpar, until he introduced his MC. When Su-bong walked onto the stage, the crowd cheered, and you could understand why. Beyond his stage presence and verses, he was easily the most attractive man you’d ever seen. It was impossible to take your eyes off of him with his blue hair, sweat soaked and from the stage lights. You could barely contain your excitement when his eyes locked with yours and he smiled knowingly. After his set, he approached you first to buy you a drink, and the rest is history.

You don’t know how much time has passed before you’re being woken up to the sound of the Square guard’s voice booming through the dormitory. When you open your eyes, you find that you’re alone in Su-bong’s bed, and he’s nowhere to be found. With a sigh, you climb from the bed and head out to join the others just in time to watch the piggy bank get filled with more money.

You scan the crowd in search of your boyfriend, finding that he rejoined your team from the game. Maneuvering through the sea of people, you reach Su-bong, grasping his forearm to get his attention. Unfortunately, he’s transfixed on the glowing pig above your heads, watching the stack of money grow larger and larger.

“Su-bong,” you warn. “Don’t let it distract you.”

“I know,” he mumbles, still refusing to take his eyes off of the bank until it stops. “It was only one hundred and ten people.”

“Only?” you say. “How can you say that? Those are people’s lives you’re talking about.”

“But what about my life? Our life? Even combined, it’s barely above one hundred and fifty million won. We’re not even close to being out of debt.”

“We’ll figure something else out,” you plead. “It’s not worth losing our lives over.” Su-bong sighs deeply, nodding his head at your words. You hope you got through to him.

As everyone lines up for the next vote, Su-bong holds your hand, keeping you close to him. You both watch as the other players vote one at a time, the numbers staying relatively tight together. You notice that several people change their votes, which gives you hope for a positive outcome this time.

Much to your surprise, player 001 interrupts the vote this time, trying to reason with the group still waiting to vote. Several other players who are in favor of continuing speak up as well until they whip the crowd into a frenzy. Briefly, you feel Su-bong tense at your side, as if he is fighting the urge to cheer along with the other ‘O’ voters, but he stays silent.

When Su-bong’s number is called, he walks slowly to the podium and stares down at the two buttons. Your heart pounds in your chest, genuine concern flowing through you as you’re unsure of how he will vote. You clasp your hands together, as if to plead to anyone who will listen for your boyfriend to do the right thing. When the buzz rings out and the number on the ‘X’ side changes, you feel a wave of relief wash over you, tears almost falling from your eyes. Finally.

You don’t take your eyes off of your boyfriend as he changes out his velcro patch to the ‘X’. When he turns again, he finds you immediately, nodding his head with a small grin on his lips. Thankfully, you don’t have to wait long for your number to be called so you can join him on the ‘X’ side. You do not hesitate for a moment, slamming down the ‘X’ button and turning quickly to run towards him.

“Thank you,” you breathe, as he pulls you into a tight hug.

“Don’t thank me yet,” he says, turning you around so you can see the display screen. “They’re the ones you have to worry about.”

As you both stand silently, you watch the numbers grow, and feel less confident with each passing second. The numbers for those voting to stay are creeping higher and higher, and you curse player 100 for riling up the group. By the time player 456 reaches the podium, all of the joy you just gained has drained from your body — you have to stay for another game.

You move like a zombie, collecting your dinner from the guards, and making your way to Su-bong’s bed again. He’s close behind you, neither of you speaking as you contemplate what could happen next. You eat in silence as well, scared and tired all at once.

The rest of the day passes in a strange blur. At some point, just before the chime begins to play to indicate lights out, Su-bong collects your mattress from your bunk and sets it on the floor beside his bed.

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” he says. “You can have my bed.”

“No, that’s okay. The floor is fine with me.”

“No—”

“Hey,” you cut him off, standing in front of him and taking him by the hips to pull him in. He laughs, that wide smile you love to see appearing across his face. “I’d rather sleep on the floor,” you continue. “I promise I’m fine.”

“Okay,” he nods, grasping the sides of your head in both hands and taking you in for a gentle kiss. “I’m sorry,” he mutters against your lips. “I know it’s my fault that we’re both here. I’ll do what I can to fix this.”

Su-bong sleeps at the edge of his bed, his arm hanging off of the bunk to hold your hand. When he falls asleep and his grip loosens, you unlace your fingers from his, gently tracing the rings on his index and pinky fingers. You think about how he rarely takes them off at the end of the day, as if they’re an extension of him. When you’re in bed together at your home, and he touches you for the first time, the metal feels ice cold and you wonder if he plans it like that just to see the way the goosebumps spread across your skin. The truth is you always get goosebumps from his touch, rings or no rings.

You wake the following morning to find Su-bong sitting on the edge of his bed with his cross pendant in the palm of his hand. You sit up quickly, snapping the lid closed and wrapping your fingers around it, prepared to yank it from his neck.

“Wait!” he exclaims, grasping your wrist. “I wasn’t going to take one…not yet.” You stare at him imploringly, waiting for him to continue. “If I focus on what’s happening,” he begins, carefully choosing his words. “I think I’ll mess up. I can’t mess up.”

“I’m here with you, Su-bong. We won’t mess up.” He stares into your eyes but this time he takes in your whole face as if he’s memorizing it. For a moment, he looks scared; his breath coming in harder pants and his eyebrows furrowing �� he’s panicking. “Hey,” you say, snapping him from his trance. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he nods, tucking the cross into his jacket. “I’m here. I was just…nevermind. Let’s go.” He holds his hand out towards you, helping you to your feet as you both join the group of other players preparing for the next game.

When you walk into the expansive, rainbow painted room, you don’t immediately notice the turntable in the center, too fixated on why there are so many doors. The female voice rattles through the speakers to explain you will be playing Mingle, and you tighten your grip on Su-bong’s hand to pull him close.

“If we have to run to these rooms, it’s going to be chaos,” you say, carefully stepping onto the table at the center of the room.

“I won’t let you go,” Su-bong promises, as the playful tune begins to play through the speakers and the table begins to rotate.

The sound of the other players panting nervously radiates around you and your own nerves begin to take hold. You are once again on the verge of blacking out until the table stops suddenly.

“Ten!”

Su-bong pulls you along with him as he locates your team from the previous day, who have already grabbed five additional people. All ten of you dash towards an open room, desperate to get there before anyone else. You shove your boyfriend into the room first and ensure that the others slip in with you, before slamming the door shut. The lock engages and immediately gunfire rings out from the main room.

“Shit,” you mutter, covering your ears to avoid hearing the screams. Su-bong wraps his arms around your body, pulling you snug against his chest.

“It’s okay,” he assures you. “You’re safe.”

When you are released from the room, the first thing you see are the sporadic pools of blood from the ‘eliminated’ players. Swallowing hard to keep from becoming sick, you carefully avoid stepping in any blood, stepping back onto the platform awaiting your boyfriend, who you assumed was directly behind you.

Much to your dismay, you spot Su-bong hanging back with Nam-gyu, talking quietly as they slowly walk to the platform. He pulls the cross from his jacket and opens it, pausing to look around for anyone who might be watching. When his gaze falls on you, all you are able to do is look away from him, knowing that his impulsive nature and his anxiety are in the driver seat. All you can do is hang on.

“Babe,” he calls out, hurrying toward the platform and stepping up beside you just as it begins to spin again. “I can’t—”

“Don’t tell me about it,” you say, quickly. “If you took one or you didn’t, I don’t want to hear it. If it helps you focus, or whatever, it doesn’t matter. Just stay with me and get us both out of here alive.” He nods in response, taking your hand again as you wait for the platform to stop spinning.

“Four!”

“Three!”

“Six!”

Each number called gives you another knot in your stomach and more aches in your body from scrambling to get into a room with the right number of people. By now, you feel as though more than half of your fellow players have been eliminated, as the platform is far more spacious. Along with that, the room is virtually covered in the blood of those same players who weren’t fast enough. From running through the puddles, the soles of your shoes are stained red and a brassy scent hangs heavy in the air.

When the voice over the speaker announces the final round, you breathe a sigh of relief but still feel tense. Looking at the count of how many people are left along with the number of rooms available, you know that you will have to move fast to secure a room. You take Su-bong’s hand, preparing as the platform rotates for a final time.

“Two!”

You set your eyes on room 40, with its magenta colored door. With a firm grip on your boyfriend’s hand, you take off towards the door, yanking him along with you. You avoid the blood as much as you can, but suddenly lose your footing and begin to fall. Su-bong catches you by your hips and rights you again.

“Room 40!” you call out, pointing ahead of you. He takes off towards the door as you notice two other players making their way to the door as well. Just before they reach the handle, Su-bong plants a kick directly in the man’s chest, sending him and his partner stumbling to the ground.

“Come on!” Su-bong yells, and he waves you over.

Part of you is horrified at his action but you know that you both need to survive. You scramble towards him, and he hurriedly wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you into the room and slamming the door shut behind you. Still holding you close, he braces the door shut with your bodies, ignoring the sounds of the other couple desperate to get in.

“Don’t listen,” Su-bong mutters, as the lock engages on the door. He keeps you in his arms, walking you away from the door to the corner of the room, where he lowers you both to the floor. You curl into his chest, covering your head as he holds his arm around your shoulders. “It’s okay,” he says, as the gunfire and screaming begins. “I’m here.”

When the room is finally silent again, you lift your head to look at your boyfriend, tears brimming your eyes. He smiles softly at you, his fingertips tenderly stroking your cheek. He uses his free hand to pull his cross necklace from his jacket holding it out to you.

“I didn’t take any,” he whispers, nodding his head towards the cross. “I gave all of them to Nam-gyu.” Your eyes shift from his face to the cross, cautiously opening the lid to find it empty. “I told you I’d keep you safe,” he breathes. “Didn’t I?”

———————

356,000,000. The number didn’t even sound real. With both of your winnings combined, you’d be able to make a sizable impact on the debt. You keep as close to Su-bong as you can as you await the call of your number. Already, the vote appears to be shifting in favor of leaving, but you don’t yet get your heart set on it. Not just yet.

The numbers tick back and forth several times before it’s your turn to vote. You give Su-bong a quick peck on the cheek before you make your way to the podium, quickly slamming your hand down on the ‘X’ button. The chorus of boos and cheers ring out, but you ignore both, making your way to the ‘X’ side to wait for Su-bong.

There’s a fleeting worry in your mind that he may change his mind after seeing the money added to the piggy bank, but something about the look in his eyes when you were in the final round of Mingle — he’s scared. As soon as Su-bong’s number is called, you train your eyes on him, taking in every move he makes as he marches towards the podium.

You get side tracked thinking about the way he walks. His movement is distinctly his own — he moves with rhythm when he has a purpose, but sometimes his movement is stiffer, as if he’s trying to blend in. This walk, almost a strut, is determined and you know you have no reason to worry about what his decision will be when he reaches the podium.

The buzz of the ‘X’ rings loud and you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. The cacophony of cheers and boos fills the silence while Su-bong trudges towards you with a small smirk on his lips. You immediately pull him into your arms, hugging him and never wanting to let go. He holds his hand to the back of your head, pulling you closer to him to kiss the top of your head.

“We’re almost home,” he whispers, finally letting you go.

You maintain your glee as you watch the numbers on the screen change over and over until the score is tied. The final voter is player 001, someone you don’t particularly trust. You notice him lock eyes with player 456 briefly, his face unchanging, before he walks to the podium.

You close your eyes, unable to watch what selection he will make. Su-bong grasps your hand, holding it to his chest; you can feel his heart practically pounding against his ribcage. He mutters something under his breath, likely a plea for this man to make the right decision.

Time stands still as everyone awaits the moment that will determine your fates. Your head feels like it could spin off of your shoulders at any moment, your breaths coming faster and faster until—

A buzz and the overwhelming cheers from the other ‘X’ voters. You open your eyes, staring up at the screen that reads 51-49. Su-bong wraps his arms around your waist, hoisting you into the air in celebration. You both scream and cheer, tears finally breaking the seal and falling from your eyes. You can’t believe it.

Su-bong spins you both in a circle, before setting you down, finally kissing you deeply. You clench his jacket firmly, never wanting to lose the feeling you have right now.

“They sound upset,” Su-bong chuckles, nodding towards the group that voted to stay.

“I don’t care,” you respond. “Let them stay and tear each other apart if they want. We’re getting the fuck out of here. And I know the first thing I want us to do.”

“Please tell me,” he replies, mirroring your playful grin.

“Dye your hair pink again,” you say. “We should retire Thanos. I think he’s served his purpose.”

“Hmmm,” Su-bong hums thoughtfully, giving you a suggestive smirk. “I don’t think he should go away yet. He may still have some work to do for his good girl.”

[starlightandfairies]

Okay, first of all, sorry for my bad English, but could you maybe write a story with Kalus where you are all together (his siblings and Elena, Damon, Stefan etc.) in a room and spend time together, or rather solve another problem. Klaus notices how absent you are and how quiet you are the whole time. And later you disappear to a quiet place where you can be alone but then he shows up? The story need to be sweet😪

Description: gets overwhelmed and needs some time to relax

Warnings: she/her pronouns, fluff, swearing

*Requests are open, please send through as many requests as you want, check my character list and requesting rules.*

Thank you for requesting this! I hope you enjoy it!

Key: Y/N = Your Name, L/N = Last name, POV = Point of view, f/ice/c

Word Count: 1,013

First Person's pov

Everyone was here. Bonnie, Elena, Damon, Enzo, Stefan, Elijah, Rebekah, Caroline and Niklaus. My house was normally the meeting place, today was no different. I couldn't tell you what the issue was this time, I've been out of it for the past week. It's been hard, at the start of the week, I nearly got badly hurt while the next big-bad came along and after Stefan saved my butt, I got reprimanded by him for being so reckless and stupid. 

 I hated being yelled at or being near someone being yelled at. Ever since I was little, I've hated loud noises, so that incident at the start of the week just became a series of things building on top of each other. It was late, I was already overwhelmed and overstimulated, everyone was shouting at each other, demanding they be heard and that they were right. 

"Dammit Damon! You cannot just expect us all to run around your agenda!" 

"What else can we do?" Damon roared, I stared at my hands in my lap, fiddling with the skirt of my dress. I could feel Niklaus' eyes on me, they have been for the last little while, I have no clue what he was thinking or what he wanted but having him look at me, analysing me and my every move. 

"Love, are you alright?" Niklaus softly murmured, I simply hummed in response, not meeting his eye or the disapproving hum that came from his lips. Everyone kept yelling, hitting my furniture in frustration, I could feel the tears bubbling and the prickling in my throat, If I didn't get away now then I'd breakdown in front of everyone. 

While everyone was gathering around the table, writing out a plan for stopping this big bad, I slipped away and sat in my bedroom. I let out a shaky breath, letting the tears slip from my eyes and sobbed into my hands. I curled into my mattress, clutching my teddy bear to my chest and hoping all the chatter in my brain would fade away. 

"So, this is the great Y/n L/n's bedroom." I sat up, rubbing my eyes, watching as Niklaus sat on the edge of my bed and turned to face me. I took a deep breath, pushing myself up and rested my teddy bear in my lap, watching him as he gazed around my room before his eyes landing me again. 

"I am going to ask again... love. Are you alright?" His voice was smooth, gentle and even caring. On any normal day I could listen to him talk for hours on end, he had such a pretty voice. 

"No... no, I'm not alright." 

"Tell me what's wrong, love." It was a gentle demand, something I wouldn't fight against. 

"I've just been feeling very overwhelmed and overstimulated. Got too much." Niklaus simply nodded, took my hand into his and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. Niklaus hummed, his face scrunching up in thought before it relaxed and his eyes gazed upon me soothingly. 

"I will kick them out from your home. They can take this to the Salvatore manor." 

"Thank you." He nodded and looked at my teddy bear. 

"What is this lovely thing's name?" I was grateful for the distraction, clutching to the arms of the bear a little tighter and smiled. 

"Her name is Pebbles. I got her when I was a baby. I know it's silly... not being a kid anymore and having a teddy bear still." Niklaus shrugged, seemingly not bothered by this. 

"Does it bring you comfort?" I nodded. 

"Then why should it matter?" 

"I suppose you are right, Niklaus." He chuckled once I said his name, I raised an eyebrow, trying to keep my own smile at bay from his sweet laughter. 

"You always call me Niklaus. I don't think I have ever heard you call me Klaus."

"I like calling you Niklaus. It sounds nice, it just rolls off the tongue." He chuckled nodding, turning his body to face me better. I took another breath, finding the uneasy feeling fading away the longer I sat in Niklaus' presence. It was quiet up here, I could just here the others and every time I would react to the group becoming more vocal, Niklaus would bring my attention back to him by asking about something in my room. 

My cat walked into the room, jumping onto Niklaus' lap, curling into him and hitting his hands with her paw to get him to pet her. 

"She's a sweet thing, I'm sorry, I'll call her off." 

"It's okay, I do not mind, your cat and you are quite welcome to my lovely presence and comfort whenever." I chuckled at the light sound of arrogance in his voice. He continued petting my cat for a little while until she jumped off and he took that as his moment to stand up and held out his hand. 

"Y/n, I think you need some time away from these headaches. Do you trust me?" I nodded, I really did, not once had Niklaus used me for his gain, he hadn't betrayed my trust once and I don't believe he ever would. 

"Yeah, okay." He picked me up, then sped out my window. Niklaus took me to a look-out in a couple towns over, it overlooked the water and no one else was nearby. The water brushed up against the rocks, soothing and peaceful. Within a blink he disappeared and within another he had a cup full of f/ice/c. 

"Thank you. Y-you didn't need to do this."  "You are feeling down, a sweet treat can always help. As I am told." I took small spoonfuls of the ice cream and started swaying to the gentleness of the violin. 

"You know my favourite ice cream, my favourite instrument and my favourite song. How?"  

"I have my ways, love." He whispers, letting me bask in the peace of the music. 

[lostintransist]

Fallen Angel | Nosey Nancys

AO3

Simon watched you from the table as you puttered around the kitchen. He had been asleep when you got home, you hadn’t woken him. Maybe that is why he felt the need to observe you today. He either felt extremely safe with you or you were nearly silent when shifting through the flat. You had just renewed the lease with him. How had it been a year of you sliding into the dynamic of the 141 without ever stepping foot on base?

 An off-handed comment from Roach on one of their last missions had him wondering about some things. You didn’t push. Why did you never push?

“She will never ask for what she needs, I’m almost positive she had convinced herself she has no needs.”

Roach had always been observant, more so around you it seems. Simon wonders why that is. You showed no interest in any of the guys, not even him. Simon is aware women find his size attractive, something about all the muscles a woman explained to him once, but you never look at him like that. When you look at him it is with warm smiles and often a funny one-liner to combat his own. Thinking it over had he ever seen you look at anyone with anything other than warmth?

You accept and give kisses but never ask for them. Your eyes don’t track men or women lustfully. Were you handling your needs only while he was away? Had you even had sex before?

“Are you a virgin?”

The question popped out before he could fully process the implications of asking.

Squinting over your shoulder you look at him.

“Are you drunk?”

Simon couldn’t prevent the heat from flushing over his cheeks.

“No.”

Turning fully, you rounded the counter to stand in front of him.

“Hmm. Simon, not Ghost, okay,” resting the back of your hand on his forehead you wait.

“What are you checking for?” He glares up at you.

“A fever. You’re asking questions that are none of your damn business so you must be sick.”

He guffawed as he pushed your hand from his head.

Rolling your eyes you move back into the kitchen, finishing your breakfast.

Simon watches you again.

“If you’re staring at my ass I will throw something at you,” you say to the cabinets in front of you.

“Still thinking, not staring.”

With a defeated sigh you turn. Staring at him you take a bite of your toast before speaking.

“Alright. Out with it. What’s the question?”

“Why don’t you try to sleep with any of us?”

Chewing as you stare you let the question settle between you. Simon feels like a boy again, asking a question that he should know the answer to and preparing for a slap when he didn’t.

“Do you want me to try and sleep with any of you?” You ask with one brow cocked as you prepare for another bite of toast.

This question caught Simon on the back foot. Did he want that? He thought of you in the same way he thought of his team, as his. That didn’t necessarily mean he wanted to sleep with you though. Did he want you to sleep with any of his guys? It did give his heart a twinge but not enough to throw a fit over.

When Simon looks back to you half of your toast is gone.

“No.”

“Then why does it matter?”

 “Because it doesn’t make sense.”

“Are you feeling insecure because I’m not trying to crawl into your bed except when I’m cold and even then, I actually fall asleep instead of pining over you?”

The needling is effective. Simon grinds his back teeth.

“I am asking, if you are not into men or not into myself and the guys, who are you into?”

“I’m not into anyone.” Dusting your hands over the sink you turn to leave.

Simon moves with speed honed from work, blocking the door with his frame.

“The hell does that mean?”

Heaving a sigh, you look at him with such a drab expression that he would have smiled if he hadn’t been so frustrated by this whole conversation.

“I’m asexual.”

“Which means what?” He glared down at you.

“That urge in your brain that says you need to stick your dick in someone? I don’t have that.”

“You don’t have a dick,” he quipped back.

“That you know of,” you deadpanned. “Do you have any other intrusive questions for me today?”

By way of answer, he steps back, letting you pass.

“Nosey Nancys the lot of them,” drifts back to him as you shut your bedroom door behind you.

Fallen Angel Masterlist | Masterlist

[radical-rigatoni1]

What the hell is in this fanfiction?? I fckin animated??? What the shell man what did you and alighterwood put in that @erinwantstowrite

Ramblings, 80% unimportant 20% abt the video

Remembered how fun lip synching in and remembered how frustrating lip synching is. Some words, one go bam bam. Some... not so much.

Also erin ignore the ask i sent you ignore itttt i needed that for this but then realized YOUR PROFILE PICTURE! 0 for me- 1 for noticing obvious things. Maybe more. Lost track 15 years ago

. Also i know i keep putting peter's little jacket on but i am having trouble with drawing arms without fabric and i know its technically he does have fabric but i mean LOSE fabric. If i take it off that would make me lose motivation way sooner if i was just like "UGH THIS DOESNT LOOK RIGHT!!!!" 24/7. I have learned to just go fck it, as long as i have fun the lip sync looks good and i get my main idea across... good enough but im still TRYING to hit myself w that mindset doesnt mean it'll switch immediately 😭👍 still thats gonna be my new mindset for the year....midway through. I would love to say im gonna shut up right now but at this point we both know im not really gonna.

ALSO, I HAVE SOMRTHING SLIGHTLY PLANNED for LOF again, so mayb possibly more fanart. No guarantee bcs im on the fence about how it'll look and how much I'll like it once i get that idea on paper. It's about the new chapter 😌 Dink and Peter are really sweet. I liked that they were both rly awkward on how to take the next step. Eager to, but not entirely sure in the other's stance. It's nice from both POVs ❤️❤️ once again. The writing in that fic is beautiful

Quadruple also!!!! I wanted to put more stuff around where peter was by the graves but then my titi's came by and i completely forgot the crazy idea i was grasping on to and had to scrap. I think it was super crazy though and my limited animation skills can only do so much before my brain turns to mush.

Quintuple also!!! YEAH!

[justalia]

stop assigning meaning to the physical world.

stop assigning meaning to something that is only reflecting you.

it is always reflecting what you have inside, constantly and continuously.

the 3D should arise no interest in you.

you gave it to yourself in imagination and that’s MORE than enough. you have it. you declared it to be yours.

the 3D is not manifesting, it has no power and since your body, your brain, your thoughts belong to the human flesh version of you they have no power.

yes, you read that right.

it is not your human version manifesting, it is not your human body and not your brain since like everything else physical it belongs to the 3D.

alia in her physical human form can only TRY to manifest.

the 3D is powerless and so it’s your human body. it is powerless. it can’t do anything,

it can’t make anything happen.

you CANNOT manifest with your human brain.

your human body and all the emotions and thoughts attached to it are just there. they belong to the 3D and are powerless UNLESS YOU (THE INNER MAN, GOD WITHIN YOU) GIVE THEM POWER.

your human self is pathetically powerless. stop giving it so much power by being scared of your own thoughts, emotions and feelings.

YOU aka THE INNER MAN, PURE CONSCIOUSNESS are giving them power.

YOU ARE GOD.

god does not exist outside of you, manifestation is what prayer is because god exists INSIDE of you. it is within you.

it gets me so frustrated when i see people asking me if having it in imagination is enough. and it’s not because i don’t feel for you or i think you’re dumb af (sometimes i do lmao) but it’s because I KNOW how tired you are I KNOOOOWWWWWW how much it sucks to be in this state of trying.

BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU I WAS SO FUCKING TIRED.

i was constantly in a war in my own mind thinking i had to change my thoughts or constantly look for a specific feeling/emotion. i was SO tired of being scared in my own mind, it’s truly the worst thing ever because there’s no escape. if you feel trapped and scared and you’re constantly trying to prove yourself in YOUR OWN mind THERE IS NO PEACE. there is no escape and you don’t know what to do.

there is no escape because our imagination is all we got and ever will have and if we make that our hell you’re gonna live a miserable miserable life.

i was SO tired of being triggered by the 3D and blaming myself for what i was seeing, i was in a constant self-sabotaging cycle. i was looking outside for permission to just believe when everything is within, even permission to just believe it yes! that’s within you!

and i was wondering what was i doing wrong.. well, news flash alia if you’re tired you’re not in the state you want to be.

i knew manifestation wasn’t supposed to be tiring, i studied my shit! i knew it! but i still found myself trapped in my own mind.

i decided i had to be honest with myself, i had to stop excuses and reason on why and how i was supposed to believe.

“why am i seeing the opposite? why am i seeing just movement and not my full manifestation?”

did you ever really shift your state?

be honest.

be honest with yourself because you don’t gain nothing by lying to yourself.

“well… i feel like i’m doing it right but i still cannot see my manifestation”

are you doing it right? are you?

are you doing it right if you’re acknowledging your manifestation isn’t real just because it isn’t physical?

“i don’t understand why did the opposite happen what am i doing wrong?”

why are you acknowledging the 3D as the real reality? why are you taking ANYTHING the 3D shows you as fact?

did you sit with the concept that imagination/consciousness is the only reality?

did you internalize it?

because if you did you wouldn’t be bothered at all by ANYTHING the 3D is showing you EVER.

no, not even the “positive” things should faze you.

why do you care what the physical world shows you if it literally means nothing?

the 3D is never gonna fulfill you on its own.

that sp coming in, that money in your account, that dream body in the mirror, that dream face, that job is NEVER gonna fulfill you.

YES! NEVER! THE 3D WILL NEVER FULFILL YOU.

harsh truth?

well, it’s the truth.

you could have your sp telling you how much they love you and you could still not believe them.

you could look in the mirror and have that dream body or dream face and still find A MILLION things you want to change and be insecure of yourself.

you could have that dream career and still feel like a failure.

you could have a million dollars in your bank account and still feel financially insecure and unhappy.

why?

because we are always living in imagination no matter what the physical world is showing you.

look back at your life and tell me i’m wrong.

personal examples:

*TW: mention of ED experiences*

i remember when i was a teen i had what some would consider a “dream body” and i still felt ugly, fat and had an eating disorder.

i used to gain and lose weight continuously because i was NEVER satisfied with how i looked, i wanted to be skinny but i was never skinny enough. i wanted to be pretty but i was never pretty enough.

there was ALWAYS something i could change and improve.

i had people complimenting me on my body and on my face, did i care?

did i care even ONE bit?

no i didn’t. no matter how close i was to the beauty standard i was NEVER satisfied with my appearance because i wasn’t accepting it inside.

i believed what I WANTED TO BELIEVE AS TRUE IN IMAGINATION.

yes, i had people telling me “omg you lost so much weight, you’re so skinny!” and i looked in the mirror and still thought “i’m so fat, just a few more pounds and i’ll be satisfied”.

spoiler: i wasn’t.

clearly this is not a fun circumstance to be in and it is mental health we’re talking about but i can make less harsh examples.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

my sp was PURSUING ME and i still saw her as a liar and a manipulator because of my trust issues.

i had her telling me “i want you so bad these other girls are nothing compared to you” and i was whining to my best friend and complaining about how i “simply could not trust her”…

you may ask me “wtf is wrong w you alia why did you think that?”

and idk what to tell you tbh i just trusted “my gut” (aka my imagination 💀) because in my mind there was no way she could be genuine…

poor thing never even did me wrong and i still trusted my imagination so strongly disregarding every cute thing she was telling me.

to the point i was telling her i didn’t wanna be with her and we could never be together because i could never trust her (i had made up in my mind this persona for her that proved to me she was unloyal and not trustworthy) and she would reply to me things like “why the fuck do you not believe me” or “why the fuck do you not want me” and then when she acted according to my script by ignoring me (obviously she would ignore me tf cause eiypo aside why would she want to entertain someone that says “i don’t want you”) i would be like “there you go, i knew it”.

this is funny now because i can see how i always blindly trusted my imagination and had blind faith in it being FACT when it came to the negative things.

if it’s that easy for the negative stuff why would it be any harder for the positive stuff?

why?

because you think that good things never come easy?

because YOU think that you need to work hard to get the good stuff?

who is thinking that?

YOU!

who is making up that assumption?

YOU!

the physical world WILL NEVER be able to provide enough proof for you to believe you are who you want to be unless YOU believe it.

you can’t reason your way into faith and it’s true because i CONSCIOUSLY applied the law properly multiple times (gave myself more than enough proof that this shit works) and still found myself in this state because the proof is never enough if you don’t JUST believe.

read this thread i made:

faith is KEY idk how else to tell you, faith in yourself is the ONLY thing you truly NEED. when you don’t believe that you have what you want simply because you said it you are sinning because YOU ARE GOD.

by lacking faith in yourself you lack faith in god. you are sinning.

i know you want to drop the need to have it in the 3D, i know that deep down you’re desperate to drop the need for it and just believe that having it in imagination is enough.

i know how you are feeling exactly.

you are desperately looking for permission and proof to just believe when you actually should JUST do it.

it’s always gonna be a leap of faith, faith isn’t built, it isn’t something you create, it is something you surrender to.

“but if i stop wanting in the 3D will it ever show up?”

you shouldn’t give a shit about when, if, or how the 3D conforms to what you have inside if you truly and DEEPLY understand that imagination is the only reality.

asking yourself if the 3D will conform if you drop the need for it is batshit crazy bc again THIS IS HOW THE WORLD WORKS.

IMAGINATION EXPRESSED IS ALL THE WORLD IS!!!!

THE PHYSICAL WORLD IS JUST IMAGINATION.

asking yourself if the 3D will conform is the same thing as asking yourself if the apple will fall to the ground if you drop it.

yes, you read that right.

law of assumption is just as real as the law of gravity.

it’s how the world works whether you believe it or not.

idk how else to tell you this but please just allow yourself to surrender, give yourself permission to believe in imagination being the only reality and not needing it in its physical form. because at the end of the day the 3D being “positive” does not equal to true fulfillment.

allow yourself to feel the peace of having it for the sake of feeling good.

give permission to yourself.

“but what if it doesn’t work?”

yeah what if?

what’s the worst that’s gonna happen?

you not getting what you want and that’s the same exact miserable life you’re living now.

now that we’ve established that you have nothing to lose by just believing give yourself permission to do exactly that.

just have faith.

hold your own damn hand.

[seiya-starsniper]

SNIPPET - Dreamling Bingo (Robin Hood AU Retired Dream)

For @dreamlingbingo Square A3 - replacing Robin Hood AU with the Adoptable Prompt: Retired Dream

Snippet itself is rated General, actual fic will be Explicit

other snippets under the tag #retired dream is a fuckboy wip

--------------------

“Before we go on,” Hob says, trying his best to get some blood back into his brain and out of his cock, “We need to set some rules.” 

Murphy, predictably, frowns in confusion. 

“Are you referring to play rules?” he asks. 

“Not quite,” Hob answers. “I mean rules for how things are going to be, after we have sex.”

This time, Murphy outright grimaces and sighs in frustration. The sour look on his face tells Hob he knows where this conversation is going. 

“Humans have such complex feelings about sex,” he complains. 

“And you didn’t before?” Hob shoots back.  “Mr. ‘I sent a woman to hell because she had regrets about being with me?’”

“That was—” Murphy wrinkles his nose and grimaces. Oh, Hob knew all about Murphy’s past relationships, at least, the ones while he was still Endless, and how poorly those had ended.

“Was—?” Hob asks, letting the question hang between them. Murphy may have been able to get away with not communicating clearly when he was still inhuman, but that sort of thing didn’t work in his new existence.

“I was different then,” Murphy says after a brief silence. “Everything was so much…more intense. My loneliness, my responsibilities, my entire existence.”

“And now?” Hob asks. 

“Now,” Murphy replies, sticking his tongue out playfully and shrugging. “Now I can just focus on my pleasure. My wants. My needs. And the world would not end for it.” Hob snorts and rolls his eyes fondly.

“Sure, sure,” he says with an easy smile. “Far be it from me to disagree with a fun time. But you and I both know that doesn’t mean you’re not breaking hearts along the way while you’re finding yourself.” 

Murphy’s face twists in discomfort, and Hob knows he’s plucked a sensitive string. He wonders just how many hearts Murphy has broken since becoming human. He feels kind of bad for them, really. Murphy was so pretty and so emotional. There’s probably a few songs about him out there in the world if Hob had to guess. 

“I suppose you’re right,” Murphy finally acquiesces with a sigh. “Just because I am no longer directly tangled with the collective unconsciousness does not mean I am not affecting others. It is just…different.” He looks distinctly uncomfortable now, like he’s expecting some sort of judgment from Hob about his behavior. But Hob knows better than to throw stones in glass houses. Part of the reason he’d even wanted to live forever was so that he could bed as many women as he wanted. And men too, once he realized he enjoyed their company as well. 

“You remember what I said when I first set you loose on the world?” Hob asks, more gently this time. Murphy tilts his head, thinking, and isn’t that a sight? His friend has to actually struggle to remember things now. 

“You said,” Murphy replies then pauses. Then his eyes widen. “You said that I should treat others how I would wish to be treated myself.”

Hob smiles. “Golden Rule of living forever,” he replies. 

Murphy snorts. “And how would you wish for me to treat you then?” 

“Not like a one-night stand, for one thing,” Hob replies easily, stepping closer into Murphy’s personal space. “I’m your friend, not some fling you pick up at a club.” He reaches a hand to caress Murphy’s face. “So you communicate with me all your needs, or we don’t do this, okay?” 

Murphy inhales sharply and sways into Hob’s touch. “Yes,” he replies, eyes fluttering.

[ramspatula]

Georgie Cooper x Reader| Jealousy

I really love these…

Georgie was the frustrating kind to date. He always flirted with other girls but hates for another guy to even come close to me. It was hard. He didn't understand why it was upsetting to me that he flirted with other girls but could get heavily upset when I even showed another guy a smidge of attention. Georgie Cooper didn't understand what a double standard was, but he could be used as one. He can flirt with other girls but I can't flirt with other guys. He keeps saying it's different. How is it different?!

Y/n: How is it weird?

Georgie: It just is!

Y/n: That Rob invited me over to his house to work on our project?

Georgie: You don't know what he's gonna try on you.

Y/n: Try on me? And how am I supposed to react to you going round Jessica's house for your two's project?

Georgie: That's different. She's not a guy and I'm happily taken.

Y/n: Rob has a girlfriend and she's okay with it. I even spoke to her myself!

Georgie: I heard they've been having problems and you're a very pretty girl, he might make a move on you instead.

Y/n: And she's not pretty?

Georgie: Not as pretty as you- don't roll your eyes. I'm complimenting you!

Y/n: It's not a compliment if you degrade another girl while doing it.

Georgie: "Degrade"? We're using big words now?

Y/n: You're putting her down to make me look good.

Georgie: And? Her boyfriend trying it on with another girl!

Y/n: Rob is not trying it on with me! What? Is Jessica trying it on with you?!

Georgie: Don't think so. Even if it wouldn't matter because I would choose you over her any day.

Y/n: So why does it matter with Rob? You know I would never do something like that to you.

Georgie: A guy can push a girl off easier than a girl can push a guy off.

Y/n: That's not always true.

Georgie: Most of the time.

Y/n: Georgie please!

Georgie: No! I won't let it happen. I won't leave you alone with him.

Y/n: Then join us!

Georgie: Fine.

I don't get the double standard! I'm trying my hardest and I just don't get it! Throughout our relationship we've had bumps that always involves other girls and Georgie's dim brain. He never understood what he did wrong and sometimes I needed time away from him.

George: What's wrong with you?

Georgie: Y/n yelled and threw her bag at me.

George: Why?

Georgie: Apparently I was flirting with this girl and being 'inconsiderate'. I don't even know what that means.

George: It means you're not thinking of her feelings and how treating another girl the way you treat her is out of line.

Georgie: Really but I only want her. She's my girlfriend.

George: Treat her like it then!

Georgie: Okay! I will, don't yell at me.

Georgie: Seems it's the only way to get it inside that head of yours.

I went to Connie with almost everything. I didn't see my mother often and we weren't that close because of it. Connie seemed to be the only one who listened.

Connie: What's wrong with you?

Y/n: What's wrong with your grandson?

Connie: Where do you want to start? The fact he used to bang his head against the wall when he needed an idea?

Y/n: That's a good start but I was thinking about his stupidity and tendency to flirt with other girls.

Connie: Right in there, okay.

Y/n: He called me dramatic.

Connie: When was this?

Y/n: About 10 minutes ago when I threw my bag into his face.

Connie: Did he get hurt?

Y/n: Don't think so.

Connie: Shame. Should've broke his nose, could've taught him.

Y/n: I've been thinking about it.

Connie: So what was her name?

Y/n: Jessica. His project partner who has a very obvious crush on him. I mean so obvious that her friend told me to "watch out" and Georgie is just feeding into it.

Connie: Does he know that?

Y/n: Can't remember if I told him before or after I threw my bag at him.

Connie: He deserved it. Don't feel bad.

Y/n: Is it bad that I do?

Connie: Sort of. That's why you keep forgiving him.

Y/n: Maybe but that's because he keeps-

Georgie: Y/n I know you're in there! Please! I wanna apologise and I got you something!

Y/n: -doing shit like that.

Connie: Go talk to him. I don't wanna keep hearing his whining on my porch.

He always had this soppy way of apologising.

Georgie: I am very sorry for my actions and it was wrong of me to ever speak to Jessica the way I speak to you. I only want to be with you and I love you more than anyone or anything! I even got you these flowers because you said you were sad that you never got them growing up which shows that I do listen to you and care about what you say! And I-

Y/n: Georgie, enough. I forgive you. I just want you to stop with the excessive flirting especially with girls that have a thing for you, it's not fair for them.

Georgie: She had a thing for me? I didn't know that.

Y/n: I told you that.

Georgie: When?

Y/n: During the argument.

Georgie: You see I was trying to dodge this bag that was being hurled at me and then I was busy getting hit by said bag so really it's the bag's fault I didn't know.

Y/n: Whatever, blame the bag.

Georgie: Can I give you some attention now please?

Y/n: Yes, just get off your Meemaw's porch before she throws her bag at you too.

Georgie kept apologising in this way until present day. Even with us now in our forties and 4 kids, a successful tire business and big house. George Cooper Jr still apologised in the same way after every argument. On his knees with some gift or his pride in his hands and I still accepted because he never had any bad intentions towards me and he'd do anything to fix his or my problems.

George(Jr): You are my gorgeous wife and I made a promise to never hurt you in anyway and I've made you upset which is unacceptable. I realise my mistake and I want you to know that I will do anything to fix this just tell me how to fix it. I promise I will try harder with the twins-

Y/n: George...

George: Yes?

Y/n: Just don't lie to the twins again. I won't take the blame for you messing up their lunch again. You know Liam hates jam sandwiches.

George: He's such a picky eater, I can't keep up with all of it!

Y/n: George...

George: Right! No excuses. I'm sorry my beautiful wife, I won't do it again. I love you very much.

Y/n: Good. Now get off your knees I know they're killing, old man.

George: Thank you so much, they were about to give out.

Please tell me you guys like these…

[ianthewife]

im a liar that lies so okay here it is by popular demand of like one and a half people

Ranking the silt verses characters that i find attractive and why (nobody look at me insane addition):

1. Val — every time she talks or does anything at all, all the blood rushes away from my brain and i fall unconscious hitting my head on the way down that’s honestly probably why i am this way. the gruesome mess and utter devastating tragedy of her existence is so hot to me. she can turn me into a chair whenever she wants to. all this to say: Val please please please please just one chance—

2. Mercer — a nasty obsessed honestly insane woman with zero hinges? ummm yes please? the way she says “mine” before a kill is doing some certain things to me but i shan’t say. love when she is cackling wildly going insane and murdering people. which means always. mercer call me back

3. Sibling Rane — always smiling when i think of them, their laughter has saved my life. cultist of the month the year the life and my heart. fuck it, ill convert to the Trawler-man bullshit even, im down. we are having a spring outdoor wedding with shrimp cocktail bar and everyone is invited. the ceremony will be wonderful and if they want to drown some people during it well whatever my beautiful spouse says

4. Carpenter — no explanation needed i think. she is everything to me on every single level, my love for her is vast and endless and soaring high in the sky. she has never and i say NEVER done anything that i would think is unattractive. i will forever and ever hold her in my heart. also DAMN her voice-

5. The Saint Electric — id fuck her. straight up. please don’t ask me why she is so high on the list

6. Hayward — when he is extremely pathetic or extremely goofy. he makes me laugh that’s all i need from a fictional man. also that one occasion in the end of s1 when he was screaming wildly i think that’s was hot i mean who said that-

7. Paige — putting fucking hayward over paige feels like blasphemy but i can’t help the way i feel. Fighting against doom is so hot. Yes baby quit your marketing job to birth a god. Can i run away with you? Also when she is angry and determined and her voice is sharp with frustration and- well you get it

8. Faulkner — when he is being insane or using that ridiculous goofy ass evil cult leader voice. i said what i said.

9. Shrue — when they are in the middle of a mental breakdown or beating the shit out of Carson. i love how they sound when they are distressed and at the end of their fucking rope<3

10. Cross — yep. you heard me. i won’t even apologize or deny this. baby, are you perchance looking for a 4th ex-wife? tbh would love to ruin this man even further. he is 1. hilarious (big time) 2. pathetic (BIG time) and that’s all i need to like a fictional man

11. Charity — idk i think we could have fun, she’d chase me through the woods and then… well, i digress

12. Carson — now NOW everyone STEP BACK and put your rifles down let me explain— this poisonous slug of a man is the most disgusting, sinister, sleazy, inhuman, heartless, cruel, reprehensible thing i have ever witnessed. i want to garrote the living shit out of him and smash his head through a concrete wall. and maybe in this unrepentant desire for violence against this man there is something slightly sexually charged?.. i… honestly don’t know and i will not examine it. also he talks as if he is constantly whimsically kicking his feet which makes me want to kill both him and myself.