hand me your fucking crown // introject, 20+yo, he/him, probably not sfw
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I know you hurt me cause you like me
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Why does it always come back to "am I into that or is it trauma re-enactment"
#i like the thought of doing some things and/or them being done to me but#if i think about it too much or especially see others talk about it i just end up feeling kind of sick#or it could be someone else getting triggered i guess#can't i just think about nasty sex without needing all this introspection.....#there's also some things that i 100% know are re-enactment but i still want someone to do them sooo maybe i'm just#drawn to that stuff regardless#i NEED someone to fuck up my back i don't care if you use a knife or a whip or some other tool but just do it#and restrain me first because i'll probably try to kill you#ok? ok#there's maybe two or three guys in this system that i'm fairly sure would be willing to do it so....#how do i sneak over to them without the rest of the system finding out.#pers
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"Cunt" filet crochet piece, with a size 1.10 hook and 100% cotton yarn, inspired by this pinterest post
(currently working on a pattern and probably will sell some in the near future)
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Plagued be the body, holy and unscathed
Forgive me father for I have misbehaved
Crafted like a weapon, unable to disengage
Built to dismember, fill me with rage
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Sorry for picturing you covered in blood. It will happen again.
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FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK i got tomorrow tomorrow
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I don't know why I'm still so fucking desperate for some kind of a connection when I know it's never going to happen
#if the actually likable people in this system who have some idea of how to interact with people can't do it then how could i?#i think i liked it better when people would react with fear or hate when they saw me#this indifference is. a whole different thing#why is it that people always 'care' in that they'd be really upset if you were gone#but they don't want to actually help you not be gone#or anything that you being gone would actually affect#they want you to exist but they don't really care to talk to you or how you're doing or if you're hanging by a fucking thread#they don't really want you in their lives just the knowledge that you would be there if they felt like it#aside from the reactions to it happening how would it affect you if we were dead? how many weeks would it take for it to make any differenc#why is it that we only deserve help if we beg for it#why is it that we can't just keep our mouth shut when more often than not it'll just be another radio silence another rejection#especially me#the reason i'm here is because the rejection is supposed to be my job to handle. i should be used to it#i guess i thought it might be different this time. i might have a chance from a clean slate and wouldn't be so totally fucking alone#huge shock there it's always the same and i just need to suck it up#if i want someone who cares about my fucking day i can dream him up in my head#that's the only way any of us get that anyway#one of the most convenient things about being multiple really#external people will always prioritize everything else and let you down. you can't rely on them for shit#but when you have DID you'll always have someone if not having anyone is destabilizing enough#it may be a maladaptive coping mechanism but it's the only one we have#i already hold the anger so can't someone else take care of the grief portion maybeee#pers
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I wonder sometimes if I would've had a chance had anyone actually tried to reach me when I was still new. Had anyone actually given a shit.
#i was never a part of that family#of course they only wanted their baby brother back not the monster that lives in his head#wouldn't piss me off so much if it hadn't led to my death. i'm not a believer in destiny but that was the only future there ever was for me#i carried the baggage i did the dirty work and when it was done they wanted to be rid of me so the blood is off their hands#i hope i haunt their nightmares for the rest of their days#pers
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sorry i said it was hot when you were bleeding out :/ you literally didnt die why are you mad at me
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