thedamnunpretty - Tumblr blog

[thedamnunpretty]

You either say how you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead

With the recent increase in suicide by public figures, breaking the stigma and encouraging people to open up about their mental health has been given increasing air time. My words about my own struggles with my mental health were supposed to be their own form of therapy for me and a friendly reminder to others that it is okay not to be okay.

Afterwards, I received some truly heart-warming messages from friends and distant acquaintances referring to how brave and bold my post was. In truth, I felt like an absolute fraud. My anxiety was through the roof and I subsequently deleted the post alongside all forms of social media… that escalated.

I posted, spent the next couple of hours worrying about what I’d posted and then went into full on meltdown. The common theme in my original post was clear: I care too much what other people think; people at work, friends, guys, followers on my feeds who barely even know me. In retrospect, posting brutally honest and highly vulnerable thoughts left me feeling extremely exposed and was probably not the smartest move when I was in a place totally consumed by how other people might see me.

 I’ve got some work to do to understand and manage this need to impress people. I usually pride myself on my honesty, my integrity and the fact that I’m unafraid to be my weird little self. For reasons I haven’t been able to pinpoint, I’ve lost that confidence and found myself second-guessing so many aspects of myself. It has left me emotionally exhausted and in a place where I just really don’t like who I am. I’ve found it hard to be around other people as a result and for the first time I can recall I just haven’t wanted to talk to anyone.

 I’ve spent the past year rebuilding my life and trying to determine who I am on my own. I’ve thrown myself into friendships and pursuits that look and sound impressive and kept myself insanely busy. What I haven’t done, is taken my foot off the pedal, given myself some emotional space to accept that it has been fucking tough and admit that elements of my life aren’t fulfilling me. Instead I’ve buried these thoughts and feelings and prioritised the gym when I need rest, social engagement when I need quiet, work when I need to relax.

 Admitting that you’re not okay, pinpointing the causes and then trying to build coping mechanisms is anything but easy. You can’t just read a book about not giving a fuck and just simultaneously stop giving a fuck. Similarly, a bit of respite from Social Media won’t break a daily habit of posting and scrolling frequently.

 I’ve forced myself to spend time alone, which has been a difficult but necessary step for someone who is most energised when they are around others. I’ve also forced myself to be honest about what I like and dislike about myself and my life, none of which has been described or defined by inputs from others – social media included.

By deleting my post and continuing to only show photos of me loving life at festivals or a bit too merry with a drink in hand might make me far more impressive to some. Truth is - I’m not here to impress people. I want to impact people, to inspire people and to be my goddamn self - it’s so exhausting trying to be anything but! That might mean doing roly-polys in public places, sporting black eyes from falling over drunk or getting dolled up to the max and taking a selfie because I feel like a fricking Queen. It might also mean embracing being a Joy Division-loving, deep-thinking, over-sharer and I’ve come to the determined realisation that's A-OK.

 The trick is that as long as you know who you are and what makes you happy, it doesn’t matter how others see you (this I will keep telling myself until I can confidently say it’s my truth).

[thedamnunpretty]

Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you are just simply yourself

I’ve invested a lot of energy in the past, both during my time as a Personal Trainer and through my friendships, encouraging people to embrace their bodies and promoting self-confidence and self-worth. What I’ve failed to do, is practice what I preach, and as a result I’ve found myself feeling incredibly low.

Any personal anxiety or depression I’ve experienced in the past has come from constantly battling a number of different pressures ineffectively and consequently becoming overwhelmed by them, to the point I completely crash and lose all motivation and control. The below is my own approach as to how to compartmentalise those different factors, understand how they have contributed to where I am today and hopefully pinpoint some ways to reduce the pressure they’ve caused.

Work

In a very short space of time I found myself leaving a fiancé, a house, a dog, complete security and uprooting my life to live in Glasgow, where I have had to try and establish a completely new network and sense of security. I live alone, and I’ve walked into a pretty full on job. I’ve consequently found myself putting most of my focus into my career, which is okay - I love my job, I love the people I work with and I have always been career driven. What I’ve failed to realise, however, is that work has become the single point of failure for me. If I have a bad day at work, it has a huge impact on how I feel about myself and my life – it’s where I’m investing all of my energy, so how could it not? Similarly, my main social interactions have been at work, so if I’ve felt disinterest from colleagues or had a work spat, it has had a much bigger impact than if I was to then to go home to a partner, a friend or family member and shut off for the night. Lesson #1 – Work and a successful career are important to me, so absolutely give them time and focus. Don’t, however, give it your absolute all.

Relationships

This is also the longest period of time, (pre-adolescence obviously excluded) that I’ve been single. That in itself has been a shift I haven’t really given enough headspace to deal with. There’ve been people since my ex who I have put energy into only to be left feeling mistreated or unwanted. These are people who I never felt enabled to be my true self with. People I would diet heavily for, people I would calm the weirdness for, people I would quash some of my interests that didn’t match theirs for. The mistake I have made has been allowing this to knock my confidence and assuming it means that there’s something ‘wrong’ with me, as opposed to the clear message that some guys are good, some just really fucking aren’t. And, in some cases, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with them, it just isn’t a fit and that’s okay. I’ve found myself installing dating apps after these occurrences, telling myself it’ll be fun to start online dating and putting myself out there. The truth is, the reason I’ve downloaded them is because my self-worth has been really, really low and I’ve looked to these apps for attention to satisfy that insecure need. I should meet someone because I’m actively ready and looking for a relationship, not because I’m feeling anxious about myself and need reassurance and acceptance. Every single download has led to boring conversations that don’t go anywhere and has made me question my worth even more. These apps rarely stay on my phone longer than a couple of days.

Lesson #2 – It’s unhealthy to rest your self-worth in another person. You need to know who you are, be true to who you are and then meet someone who will be your equal, not your whole and not simply your confidence boost.

Friendships

This is one of my toughest areas, as my nearest and dearest will know that events in my past have led me to invest heavily in friendships. This often means I take it really personally when I feel that friendships aren’t reciprocal or when I’m led to believe that I’ve disappointed someone. I constantly make the mistake of allowing one negative comment from one person to control how I feel about myself, despite several other friends rallying around and telling me I deserve more. Focusing on that one negative instead of the many positives and constantly trying to please everyone is one of my biggest battles. I need to learn to walk away from people who don’t deserve my friendship instead of harbouring negative energy trying to influence the way they think or feel.

Lesson #3 - Don’t invest in people who make you feel shit about yourself. If you were really such a bad friend, you’d have no friends.

Social Pressure

There are two elements to this for me. Firstly, how others perceive me and what impact that has on how I think and act. I’m actively described as hyper, good energy, full of life, a social butterfly, confident or extroverted. I can’t really argue with these definitions, but it makes it incredibly difficult to hold your hands up and admit when you aren’t feeling any of those things. People perceiving me as confident contributes its own pressures, as I can actually be quite anxious and consequently feel the need to qualm that and live up to the confident, extroverted persona that people expect.

Secondly, I can’t get through a mental health post without referencing the impact that social media can have. I am an individual who is (for the majority) full of life and I therefore ferociously pursue adrenaline, good vibes and ‘living so death has nothing to steal.’ Being someone whose social media is full of festivals, gigs, sports and making the most of the great outdoors makes it really hard to admit that there are days where you can’t physically get out of bed because you just feel like utter crap. Similarly, I spend a lot of time feeling body confident and celebrating the figure I’ve built in the gym – no one really wants to hear that I also spend a good proportion of my time feeling like a big ugly blob. The last thing you also need to see when you feel that way - other people living their own adrenaline rushes or posting pictures of their perfect tits and pretty face while you drip mascara into your ice cream tub (I exaggerate… maybe).

Lesson #4 – Living up to a social persona or questioning your own persona because of what you see socially is frankly fricking exhausting. I’m sure I’m repeating myself by now, but accepting who you are and that you won’t always be on top form is so important. My social media pages are captured memories and opportunities to keep up to date with friends. They are not a comparison tool.

It has taken a while for me to get to this point and to realise that I need to make some significant changes. I get my energy from other people, so it has been an enormous shift to live alone in a new city and by putting so much into my work I’ve neglected the care I need to give myself - the absence of which has allowed self-doubt to fester. Alongside learning from the lessons outlined in this post, I’ll be focusing on people and activities that make me happy, confident and true to myself. I seriously hope that these words help anyone else experiencing similar thoughts or feelings realise that it's absolutely normal and that there is no shame in admitting that you're not okay, despite what your life might look like.

You are your biggest commitment, so start loving your flaws, your awkwardness, your intensity, your vulnerability, your everything. Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you are just simply yourself.

[thedamnunpretty]

Girl, you should go and love yourself

Whilst we might not mean these words in the same vein as Mr Bieber, the philosophy behind them is really quite powerful. It doesn’t take flicking through endless reminders of the same words in different font types on Pinterest for us to know that when we wake up in the morning we choose the attitude we carry around with us. Why then, is it so common for many of us to choose to spend our days completely devaluing ourselves? We criticise our performance, question our ability, complain about what we see in the mirror. Everyday people are fighting a constant battle with those internal thoughts and feelings that tell them they aren’t good enough. Would those same people invest that much time and energy in making other people feel like that about themselves? Some do, most don’t. Making someone else feel that way would be cruel, so why is it so normal to talk to ourselves in that manner? 

Confidence is complicated. There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and arrogance isn’t a particularly favourable attribute. Whether or not it comes naturally, confidence is a powerful tool. Preparing for a presentation, a first date, a sporting event; it’s common practise to try to talk ourselves out of nerves and into confidence. If confidence isn’t inherent, just faking it can have an incredible impact on how you compose and present yourself. Without confidence in ourselves, opportunities are missed and our true selves are never allowed past those internal barriers. If we consistently listen to those thoughts that tell us we’re not thin enough; we’re not smart enough; we’re not pretty enough, we are going to live life without true value in ourselves. 

Even if you don’t believe it, change the way you talk to yourself and tell yourself that you are enough, more than enough, the absolute best. What happens? You feel better, your perform better and confidence becomes a natural attribute. Learning to love yourself can be a difficult task, but by choosing to try we can start to quiet those internal barriers that overwhelm our ability to think positively.