#i am having a fucking meltdown about something that literally does not matter

[sapphire-weapon]

I KEEP FUCKIGN TELLING YOU GUYS THAT SEPARATE WAYS IS NOT GOING TO BE WHAT WE THINK IT IS I KEEP FUCKIGN TELLING YOU IT’S NOT GOING TO FOLLOW THE EVENTS OF OG’S SEPARATE WAYS BUT I AM DOOMED TO THE SAME FATE AS OG RE2 LEON BECAUSE NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME

LOOK WITH YOUR OWN EYES AND WITNESS PROOF OF MY CLAIMS

[starry-bi-sky]

"Stillborn? No, still born" Danyal au -- VLAD MASTERS THE BITCH HIMSELF

*Points at Vlad* THIS MFER GOT SOME TEEFS TO HIM. !! Okay okay, Vlad Masters in the stillborn au is different compared to most of my other aus in the fact that I am far more heavily leaning into his original ambitions of wanting a family and being desperately lonely. Because you know what wanting a family implies? Wanting to be a parent.

Fucked up father figure that could've been Vlad. Complicated love-hate relationship between the only two halfas in existence.

Danny hates Vlad, but he hates even more that he's genuinely considered his offers of mentorship. Vlad is the only halfa around, and they both have fire cores. Danny has these powers he doesn't understand, can barely comprehend some days, and can't control. But Vlad does. Vlad can. And Vlad wants to help him. He's the only other person who can get close whenever Danny runs too hot. Whenever his igneous hair cracks, splits, and spits back out into magma and his friends can't get close, Vlad can.

His hair is made of magma, which runs so hot that people need specialized suits in order to get near it. He physically cannot get close to the living as a ghost unless he's calm enough for his hair to cool into igneous rock. Which isn't as often as he would like. And sometimes he's too hot for other ghosts to get near unless they have fire cores -- which Vlad has.

There have been many times when Danny's having a meltdown (literally) and gone somewhere to be alone, to let his anger and hurt and loneliness overflow and spill out, that when he's come back to, Vlad's right there with him as an anchor. It's desperately frustrating, it's the only time they can get along. They don't say anything, Danny just turns and clings onto the only person he can touch as a ghost.

Its not fair. Vlad wants to kill his foster dad, and Danny can't let him do that. But he wants to be trained by the man, he wants his help and wants what he can offer. But Vlad can't step away from his revenge long enough to let him. It's just not fair. He thinks for a moment that maybe it could work, and then Vlad does something to remind him that no, it can't.

Vlad Masters sees too much of himself in Daniel Brown -- from the way he holds himself, to the defenses he puts up, his quiet anger that builds and builds and builds until it explodes. That simmers beneath his skin. All the way down to the fact that they have matching cores. This boy is cut from the same cloth as him, and by god does he want to help him. He's always wanted to be a father, and Daniel Brown is too much like him for him to ignore. He genuinely, truly cares about Danny and his wellbeing.

He wants to help him, child just let him help you. Let him kill your foster dad so he can adopt you himself and help with these powers that terrify and intrigue you -- he knows what that's like to have something that you can't control, to have a heat that you can't cool down from. "We're in the same boat you and I, let him help you please."

But his methods are all wrong, and Danny is too much like him -- stubbornness and all -- for him to agree when they oppose each other so greatly. But again, Danny is much like him -- which means that Vlad is equally stubborn, and in every single one of their fights he's parental. He's annoyingly parental. He drops his interest in Maddie to focus his efforts in trying to coax Danny onto his side. It's like trying to get a traumatized cat to trust you, and on some levels it works. It's like he makes some progress, and then moves too quickly and the cat immediately runs off and you have to start back from square one.

TL:DR; Vlad and Danny both want to find family in each other but they're too different to get along and ultimately they are doomed by the narrative to be at constant odds with one another unless one of them is changes, and it doesn't matter who.

[carica-ficus]

“Nona the Ninth”

20/07/2024

Reading progress: 477/477 (100%) Read through since last update: 203

The final stretch! Since I've had a free day yesterday, so I decided to binge the rest of the book and it was so worth it.

Alas, the final notes:

YEESSSS!!! RAGE!! TIME FOR VIOLENCE!!!!!

Hhhh Nona's meltdown is so freeing. There was SO much tension that has built up these last few days and she took it like a champ.

Ngl, I read that part as the frustration that comes out when you're finally done masking for so long. And I mean, Nona literally mentions it in the text too. That she's wearing a mask that looks like her face. Love to see it. It's comforting in a strange way. Mostly because I get it.

Fuck. Yeah, we learn about Earth's demise. We learn about the ways humans try to escape it. We learn about the consequences. But hearing John say that they needed to get the second wave of ships ready before the next round of climate starvation really hit. Humanity really is fucked. And not just in this book.

Not the fucking cows again.

Dying of curiosity. I mean... Is she wrong? (We'll see.)

Oh, fuck. It's not Ianthe's body.

This changes everything.

It changed nothing. Except that it might have made some things worse.

Of course it's Harrow's body. I did think that to myself somewhere in the middle of the book. Like - wouldn't it be SO funny if Harrow, who was always forced to calculate everything and be 3 steps ahead of everyone else, is replaced by Nona who depends on others to survive and has no idea what the fuck's happening? And there we all have it.

ALSO.

The storyline of Harrow working so much and trying to recover after all that grief and anger and sadness becoming a person that is going through recovery, who is loved and loves others, who is struggling so much to find herself, but doesn't know how to function on her own... It's such a powerful take on mental health and everything that comes along with trauma and recovery. This is such a good book.

Is it Gideon AGAIN???

That would be so fucking funny HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay. She's not. But it's so much worse! Hahahahaha 🙃🙃🙃

HSJDNDNJSKSKSKSKS PALAMEDES AND CAMILLA MY BELOVED ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

No pain meds. - Every pain medication you have, please.

AAAAAAA they're so ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Oh, yeah. There it goes again. Is Nona hard of hearing? I didn't really think about this element that much, but it does appear several times. She can understand others and multiple languages only if she sees them speak.

Ok. That John chapter was something.

And I know he's a shitty guy. I do. But I get it.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA not the Sixths doing math ALOUD in the Convoy to entertain themselves

Paul?

Sure, ok. Why not.

This kinda reminds me of that scene where Lapis (from Steven Universe) calls herself Bob during the baseball episode. Can't believe I remember that since I haven't watched the show in ages.

SUSS?????

THEN PERISH???

Okay, so much happened at the end that I just didn't want to put the book away in order to comment, so here's some thoughts at the end.

JOHN YOU DICKHEAD AAAAAAAAAAAAA

On the other hand, I am in LOVE with the way his character is written - from a perfect being to a selfish, deceitful and greedy man. I loved the way he captured Alecto. I love how he brought her into the tomb like a child, and she was in awe of everything he showed her. It's so raw. It's so sickening and repulsive and violating.

AND I LOVE that Alecto is basically the soul of the Earth. And I love that she is just a girl. That she just wants to live and love and be loved.

And that ending. AAAAA So cool. So so so so so cool. Love it.

I'm so happy I finally finished Nona. It is such a gorgeous book and I loved every bit of it. With each book I just fall more in love with the world and the characters, and I'm in awe of Muir's capability to make me appreciate every single character, no matter their background, morality or goals. Man, this story will stay with me for a long time, if not forever.

[beevean]

Holy fuck, Ian, you don't need to answer every question you get. If you're not comfortable with it, or you feel like it might cause a stir, then just don't answer it and refund the person who sent it. It's not hard at all.

As glad as I am that artists and creators have become accessible thanks to the internet, there's the downside with how that gives them the ability to say as much dumb shit as possible then they would have before the rise of social media. I'm starting to think that people should taking at least a class or course in basic PR.

Think about it.

He surely gets a lot of questions. Only a few get selected for the podcast.

Apparently, there's a reason most of the questions he answers to are on the level of "what kind of bike would Whisper ride?" - anything more challenging than that, and he has a meltdown.

But still. He got a question that was very simply "hey, some fans say this about your work, I don't agree, but what do you think?". Very simple, very courteous, and it gave him a chance to address some criticism, something that any creator should do to healthly develop. He chose to answer that, and he chose to be the whiniest bitch he could possibly be, even saying that he didn't want to dignify that question with an answer - at least he realized that he had to do that because he got paid for that.

HE'S SO RUDE. Forget everything else, forget his ignorance, forget his spite, you do not speak like that to people who give you money to hear your lips flap! Imagine that poor person who sent that ask, and got excited that it was accepted, and had to hear Flynn and Kyle take turns in being sarcastic assholes! And the final answer is also stupid and wishy washy, you can tell that he didn't care at all and wanted to move on! I sure didn't forget about how he literally admitted that the main reason he's still doing this podcast is because it was lucrative and fuck the haters, but wow, what a way to show it.

and oh my god does kyle personally insult me. "whatever makes you look bad." oh poow widdle fwynn, so harassed, so hated by the mean fandom! 🥺 i bet he cried so hard, surrounded by the glowing reviews of Frontiers' story whose "depth" is landed sorely at his feet and no one else. Blow me, Kyle, I do nothing to make him look bad, he's good enough as he is.

Flynn is the dark side of the Ascended Fanboy. He thinks he can still be as informal as a random dude on DeviantART because he's a "fan", he's hip and cool, not like the Faceless Brand that is mean SEGA. No, asshole, you have officially become the face of the Western branch. People hang from your lips and declare everything you say as canon. Learn to act like a damn professional.

... not that it matters, since no one cares about his horrible manners, because St. Ian Flynn can do no wrong :V

[beansnpeets]

I just wanna start by saying I know I don't deserve the way he treats me and I am working on leaving. I'd still like to vent here since I am unable to leave just yet. You absolutely do not need to read these, I'm just getting it out. This one is tw for talk of suicide. Not me, other people.

Jon called me this afternoon, mid meltdown. He went to install a new doorknob at his one rental because the tenant wanted one of those smart ones or whatever, but he shows up and she's lost parts for it so he can't do it. So then he sees that her a/c is dripping inside the wall. Goes to put a drain hole in the right place, does Too Much, like he usually does and wrecked the a/c unit completely. So now he's mad at himself and swearing and upset and in this spiral of "everything sucks, nothing matters, everything I do is fucked, the universe is fucking me" and I don't fucking know what to do because I've heard this meltdown a million times, and yeah, he does get fucked over a lot, but not because he's stupid or anything. It's because he takes on these massive projects, not realizing how massive they are, like owning a rental property, and then when something goes wrong the stress absolutely destroys him. Like I feel bad that he has to deal with as much as he does, but at the same time......he's the one that's put himself in this spot. Same as every other time. He can't handle the massive amounts of responsibility that is required of something like this. He thinks he should be able to just set it and forget it. That if he just takes on all these things everything will just run itself. Like no my dude. You're the one running the ship. You're ultimately responsible for it. It's up to you. And then he's upset because he has all this shit he has to do and all these things piling up and not nearly enough time or energy to deal with it all. My guy. You are chronically ill and disabled and you're taking on more than any able bodied person would take on at one time. No fucking wonder you can't keep up. Fucking STOP. And like he makes enough money with just some of what he's doing that he doesn't need to take all this shit on, yet he does. I don't get it.

Obviously I feel terrible that he feels terrible and I wish I could help, but historically nothing I say helps and so I'm to the point now where I just sit here and go "yeah that sucks ☹️" and that doesn't seem to be what he wants either. Like it's as if he's asking me to fix it or tell him how to or something, but I CANT. I've tried to tell him to talk to his dr about his mental health and he never does, just says he can't remember to or he doesn't know how to explain it. And I tell him to talk to his literal therapist and he says if he isn't actively having a meltdown he can't communicate to her what is going on because he doesn't remember it. And like idk if it's just bullshit? Like is he just trying to elicit an emotional response out of me or is it genuine because at this point I'm starting to wonder. But the dude just can't handle stress at all. His brother is exactly the same and he's seen the toll that has put on the family. Yet he does nothing to deal with his own issues. I think he thinks he doesn't have issues and that it's the universe that is at fault and not him.

And part of why it's taken me so long to make steps to leave is his mental health. I don't know that he wouldn't hurt himself when I leave. He keeps saying he's so depressed and what's the point and he wishes it would end, but like 🤷 the guy I dated in high school threatened to kill himself a bunch of times and scared the absolute fucking lights out of me over it so many times and when I finally broke it off he recovered and he's still alive, probably more fine than before. It just feels like I'm back in that with Jon. It's similar shit to what Alex put me through and I didn't fucking appreciate it the first time and I certainly don't the second time.

I know I can't let his mental health keep me in an unhappy relationship and I know that me being here makes no difference to his mental health, but once I do leave I know it'll be more fuel to the fire that he thinks the universe is out to fuck him over. But, again, he's put himself in this situation. I didn't do this to him. He did this.

I just don't know what to do. When he's melting down and upset and trying to get interaction out of me at those times I do not know what to do. It's been over 5 years and I can't figure it out. Even this morning, he was angry as he was leaving and made some comment and when I didn't reply he scoffed and said something else, in reference to me ignoring him, and then stormed out. Like dude. I'm not going to engage with you when you're ragey and pissy. And he does that all the time. I used to engage, but I just ignore him now and he fucking HATES that. But nothing I do say makes any difference anyway. Sometimes it just winds him up more. Idk what to do. Idk how this guy can be helped. And I know it isn't up to me, but I wish I could at least tell him where to go to get the help he clearly needs. It's just been increasingly frustrating and the more I disengage from the relationship the less tolerance I have for his shit.

[servetolive]

This literally happened to me when I switched over from doing front line clinical care to brass as a trainer. All it truly takes for a bully to stop fucking with you is for you to REFUSE to play the game, so long as you know the rules.

Story time:

First off, I'm a black trans person and have hit every social barrier ever. So I work in mental health, serving the underprivileged and marginalized. I was recruited by our education department because I specialize in DEI/cultural competency/equity and all that and I have loads of lived experience and am an experienced trainer. I'm the second oldest besides the boss (trauma, SA, trafficking, late start in life all that fun stuff). I've been around.

Our DEI head is this black woman with a PhD. She makes 6 figs teaching one class a month on racism to new hires and she fucking sucks at it. As a student I noticed that she's nasty and passive aggressive to non-black students who have questions.

This is Texas. Not all of our employees come from a progressive lifestyle, which is WHY WE'RE DOING THESE CLASSES. She has zero patience for people who aren't on the same level and she focuses only on the black (I.e, her own) experience. She has told light skinned Mexicans that they're white and don't know anything about racism IN FRONT OF CLASS/OTHERS. She doesn't respect time, is often late and keeps us after the end because she talks too much about herself instead of her lecture. She calls out ppl on their phones and makes them stay after class like they're children. She holds court and sops up attention from all the older crying black women who are grateful to see a black female PhD.

She treats my department like her secretaries. Me and the other new girl there (also black) were given tasks by her without any direction whatsoever and when we showed her our work she berated us and said it wasn't what she wanted but also can't tell us what she wants. This happened twice, worse the second time. Mind you, SHE IS NOT IN OUR CHAIN OF COMMAND.

Everyone is terrified of her except for me. I've met her a thousand times in other workplaces, the army, etc. I actually vocally push back against her which she of course doesn't like. Anytime she says something nasty to me in front of the students, no matter how fucking much I want to snatch that shitty looking rat's nest Wendy Williams looking ass orange wig off her head, all I do is smirk at her and sit back with the "act a fool, girl" look on my face. She has NO CLUE HOW TO RESPOND TO THAT. So instead, she goes after my coworker, who is shy and quiet.

I told my boss that she does not come to this job in good faith, she's teaching the OPPOSITE of what our department teaches (She told a bunch of new hires that her PhD gives her zero privilege, I fucking cannot believe this) and that she's screwing with the agency's image and the new hires' understanding of our mission. People that aren't black come away from her classes feeling berated and confused about what they've just learned. She is only talking to people that look like her. Everyone else, she looks at with disdain and ignores.

Sure enough, I shadow one of her stupid classes and one of the new hires has an ABSOLUTE FUCKING meltdown bc white fragility and she feels attacked. I saw it coming from miles away and wanted to pull the girl aside to help before it was too late but it wasn't my class. Anyway the girl leaves to cry.

This woman yells at her down the hallway of the clinic and drags (not literally) her ass back into the classroom to sit while she's sobbing and upset and everyone is staring at her, pissed because she's ignorant. A round table ass whooping on this girl by the enraged POC students ensues and this woman ALLOWS it. She does nothing to return order to the class and this girl is screaming and pointing fingers and becoming a white girl teary eyed mess. I run off to get my boss.

When I teach equity/cultural competency/about racism, my understanding is that there are SOME people who have never sat in one of these classes before; as an instructor my job is to GET THEM THERE. That means not being a cunt because you actually don't know how to teach this topic and being patient with people who come from racist backgrounds but are trying to learn to be better.

Class ends with people extremely upset and retraumatized. I see my boss and say "We need to debrief immediately." This lady follows us into our office and demands to speak with my boss about my coworker (not me?? Even though I talk to her like she's an idiot?) and lied on her, saying she fell asleep twice in the class, reducing her to tears. We're not even students in the class; we're colleagues shadowing. It was a bizarre and transparent way to deflect from the fact that she fucked up BAD.

By now I'm pissed. Nobody should be fucking crying at work because of a colleague and I'm shocked at how my department just watched this and put their heads down, saying "I'm not getting involved." I'm supposed to go debrief with my boss next and this lady walks in and jumps in front of me to say "ACTUALLY I NEED TO TALK TO YOU FIRST (BOSS)"

So then this stupid bitch drags my coworker out to gaslight her into admitting that she was being disrespectful. Then she comes for me, while my friend is sobbing one cube over crying that "she's trying to get me fired." Again, we had been there for 2 weeks.

Boss: *to me* She would like to talk to you next.

Me: Absolutely not. After her conduct in that class and how my coworker just returned from meeting her, the answer is no. I am activated and disturbed by what just happened in her class and need to go home to do self care. I will speak to her at a later date. I want to talk to my boss. I want to talk to YOU.

Boss:...... I will let her know. 😳

What I understand is that she knew I was going to get her in trouble, which is why she panicked and followed us to our closed offices. She's intimidated by me which is pathetic. Aren't you the one with the PhD, ho? She should be mentoring us, but she's threatened by two other black women (I'm a dude but, you know) that are younger and might know more about her shit than she does.

An incident report was filed. I met with HR about her. She's high brass but the evidence (nobody knew I was collecting it as I went) was just BAD, especially for optics. Haven't heard a word from her since. I haven't even seen her schedule a class. All it took was for someone to REFUSE to engage with a workplace bully and she crumbled.

We are no longer in high school. We're grown, work, and pay bills. Absolutely nobody should be talking to you stupid, and if they hold some position of power over you, the best answer is to refuse to play their game. Do the work only and if they want to see you in private, SAY FUCKING NO. You're an adult! If you can't say no, take someone else with you. Record meetings if legal, take notes, date and time them. Don't say shit to them besides hello and goodbye.

really wish i'd figured this out sooner but refusing to capitulate to someone who you know from repeat experience is determined not to respect you whether they understand you or not really is one of the greatest experiences in the world because there is Nothing they can do about it that matters if you refuse to play along and trying to comprehend that is physically painful for them. you get to watch the light go out of their eyes in real time as the cracks begin to form in the tinted glass through which they see the world. power word kill your ego.

[sadlocal]

Just for the record: Me saying petting and giving someone a handjob falling under the same category as sex for me when it comes to me likely declining because I have better shit to will lead to my partner saying it is not the same thing as sex though and no matter how many times I say that it does for me they will NOT have it and when I finally say "yup" and agreeing with them it will lead them to go on a complete rage spree about how absolutely rude and egotistical son of a bitch it makes me because I obviously only said this to not engage in a discussion. Yes. Literally yes, that is the point. Queue a whole ass sequence about how much of an asshole I am and mistreating my partner by asking what makes them so upset that I don't want to take part in a discussion. They cry, they say mean things to me and yet STILL expect je to be nice to them and fix this whole shitshow, meanwhile I'm having a meltdown and going non-verbal, which is NOT being respected in ANY way btw, and not wanting to be touched. Yet they keep touching and hugging mr because ooooh they need it, doesn't fucking matter that I feel like dying and crying while doing so, and every time I manage to open my mouth to say something it's met with a negative reaction which is causing me to go back to regressing.

I'm so tired of all this bullshit. Please just break up with me already.

[somelonelywordmonger]

Yes, I have white privilege. I work hard every day to educate myself on that and raise awareness. I literally cannot do anything about the genocide in Palestine because I don't have the person on my ballot who would do something about that. I don't have a choice. I have a choice between brain worms, project 2025 and accelerated stripping of rights for all minorities, including myself, and the genocide supporter who likes capitalism and not pushing for real change. The point of my post and plea was for us to come together so we can fix this problem. I would love to not have to vote for yet one more old white male who does nothing for us. But we must get better candidates into Congress, the Senate, SCOTUS, and the white house. It is halfway through July, and the final presidential candidates will be chosen in August. We are out of fucking time. If you are giving up and not voting for anyone else that we might be able to get to see reason, then you are also complacent. I am queer, I am disabled, I am autistic, I was born female at birth, and I am not Christian. My family and I have no money even while living paycheck to paycheck. Literally, it is only my whiteness that gets me any leverage. I am not okay with Biden being president. I am sick of this shit. But he is all I have and the most reasonable of all. I do not condone genocide. I speak up against it, I have gotten in fights over Genocide Joe. So I ask, what is the right thing to you then? Because I am not doing this just for minorities. I am not some savior, just as I am not a white supremacist.

The point of this post I made was one part venting and one part speaking about how we need to push back harder this next round because our planet and all of us literally cannot keep going with this.

"So you just do not think Palestinians and all of the people who've died from Covid19 al all of the people murdered by the police that Biden poured more funding into count?"

These people are important. The Ukrainians, those in Sudan and Yemen, and the Palestinians matter. All of these people matter. The pandemic isn't over; hell, Biden has COVID right now. But out of these four fuckers in this image, the one who is probably close to leaving us and also able to be reasoned with the most is Biden. And really, the president is like a figurehead at this point. What we need to do is target Congress, the Senate, and SCOTUS, as I said earlier. Few decent options arise for me to vote in my state, and when they do, I fight for them until I literally have no choice, like here. I'm sorry you misunderstood my intent in my post. I'm sure my wording didn't help as much. But I do fucking care. I care so much it physically hurts. I care so much that I have meltdowns. Doing what is right is keeping the worst out and working toward getting the better in. But if you think these other candidates are going to do anything good for Palestine or COVID-19 or support things like #landback and reparations to both Indigenous Americans and Black Americans, or restore Roe v Wade and support gender-affirming care, and on and on, then you are sorely mistaken. I'll tell you who would have done that and more, Jasmine Sherman. And unfortunately, they are not on my state's ballot, and not enough people know about them. So if they run again, I will be even more vocal than I already was.

^ The shit options

But if I get up there and see Jasmine Sherman on the ballot for my state, you can bet that everything I have said about voting Biden will be tossed out. (These ballot sites be confusing af to my fatigued and fibro-fogged brain.)

It's shitty, it's terrible, it's outright awful. We have a choice but it isn't really a choice. And now, the best option for us is to stick to the liberal proverb, "Now is not the time." Our best option is to vote blue. Our best option is to maintain the fragile status quo. Hear me out. If we maintain the fragile status quo and then get Democrats into the positions on the Hill, we can turn our focus to more productive avenues. We rally together and strengthen our positions. We use what remains of our democracy and fight to get people like Jasmine Sherman (for instance) into positions of power. They need money, they need their voices amplified, and then we can stand a real chance of thwarting the two-party system. Democrats piss me off because a lot of them aren't truly representing what I feel, and I know it is the same for many of you. Republicans are worse because they would sooner see us locked up, dead, or worse, before making any meaningful contributions to our society. Biden is worrying me with his present struggles. But he's all we got right now to at least keep things teetering on the edge. We need to avoid plummeting, and voting for something other than Biden right now will increase the likelihood of us plummeting. But if we vote for Biden, we can double down on our efforts to swing our seesaw away from the edge of certain doom. Things like this take time, and I'm facing my own struggles, but if we all bring what we can to the table, we can surely make it work. I hate that I have to vote for Biden, that yet again, "blue is the choice," and so on. But it is all I can do right now to try and fight back against the destruction and total fascism that looms on the horizon. The red horizon. Please vote for Biden. Don't let the conservatives win. At least the Democrats are destroying us slower than the Republicans. The Democrats buy us time.

[lvlyhao]

『you’re dating him but he’s not your bias』

reaction fic; NCT Dream

A/N: this is nct dream’s reaction to realizing your bias is not him (and you’re a couple). gender neutral, got way too deep at some points and was NOT meant to be this long. enjoy.

note that english is my second language and i speak mixing slang, accents and spellings from 3283928 places so i did notice there’s practice written with both s and c down there so

just dont mind it pls

also, today’s photo theme is dream looking cute in low quality shots.

𝓖𝓮𝓷𝓻𝓮𝓼: fluff (♡), angst (❆), comedy (☼), crack (⍢).

𝓦𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼: lots of swearing, my tough love for the neos, one mention of cheating that doesn’t actually happen, a couple of mentions of alcohol and drinking, some violence hidden in metaphors, me being chaotic, it got a bit more angsty and darker than i intended, but we do have all happy endings.

word count: 6.8K

pairing: nct dream members x reader ( includes mark, renjun, jeno, haechan, jaemin, chenle, jisung)

disclaimer: the characters in the story below do not reflect real people or present real facts. this is purely fictional, and you may not copy, change, translate or repost my work in any way. all rights reserved © cherry-hyejin 2021.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

Mark

oh, poor baby

i feel like he would be a little heartbroken 

just a little

not so much if it’s someone from dream, because they’re his little brothers, but if it’s one of his hyungs from 127 or wayv,,,,,

boy might cry

he’s not super dramatic about it or anything but i don’t see him as being super confident about himself

so he might think like

“do they think he’s cooler than me?”

and it’s silly, yes, he knows

but it’s just something that pops up in his mind sometimes when you bring him up

so for the sake of this fanfic let’s pretend you’re johnny biased

because gods know i am

at least when it comes to 127

mark would be divided into fanboying with you and being like “YO, HE’S THE COOLEST GUY ON EARTH OH MY GOD I’M SO GLAD YOU AGREE”

and

“a h”

<gives you a little tiny smile to cover up the sound of his heart breaking>

would constantly try to get closer to you when johnny is around, and just

showing off in little (kinda dumb) ways

complimenting you

being even more whipped than usual

like yes he’ll give you all of his watermelon slices just please don’t look at johnny like that again

i think johnny would kind of play into it with the whole “imma steal your s/o” thing

and he doesn’t do it to make mark jealous or hurt

we know he’d rather get hit by a train than ever actually upsetting his son on purpose

but we also know he’s johnny

cue “OH DUDE HE’S FLIRTING”

so yeah he might call you lil pet names (beautiful, cutie, you get it)

just to see you giggle 

(and see your soul leave your body)

might say he’s taking you out for dinner when he’s just driving you to get more ice cream for a movie night with the gang lol

and winks

expect a lot of winks

anywhere and anytime

which makes mark sometimes feel like he’s intruding???

and that you appreciate johnny more than him???

he genuinely doesn’t understand how you can date him and still not have him as your bias

don’t you like, love him above everyone else or smth lol

his “showing off” phase eventually fades tho

now every time you hang you with the boys and johnny is around, he’ll be a bit more distant 

he thinks he’s giving you space to interact with his friends but he’s just shying away from competing with one of his favourite people ever

and it’s a competition that Does Not Exist™

but he’s not 100% aware of that

and you’re not that dense 

so ofc you notice

and you wait till you two are alone to talk to him, and he BEGRUDGINGLY admits that you being johnny biased makes him feel kinda small and unimportant

he’d never try to make you change your bias or anything

he just needs reminders that he’s your #1 boy sometimes

which is fine by you

and by him

cus now it’s you calling him pet names all the time

and hugging him

and kissing his cheek

and praising his work

and blowing kisses from across the room

and just telling him straight up that no matter what, you’ll always go to him

(not that you ever had any chance with johnny lmao)

THIS GOES TO SHOW COMMUNICATING IS KEY, CHILDREN

COMMUNICATE

Renjun

wym donghyuck is your bias lol

literally are you fucking kidding him

don’t get me wrong ok

everyone knows renjun loves haechan

they’re bffs and could not live without each other

but at the same time,,,

what is wrong with you

who did he choose as his s/o gods help him

if it was jeno, or mark, or jaehyun, or winwin, or kun, or lucas, or yuta, or taeyong, or ten, or,,,,

literally ANY of his other members

he’d understand your point and be like “ok fine”

but haechan???? hmmm bestie no

he’s not gonna throw a fit

not after the first time you told him anyways

HE WAS SURPRISED OKAY

and he just whined very loudly after having laughed for 5 minutes thinking it was a joke

<flashbacks of that one time he had to sing the ottoke song with haechan on weekly idol>

if you don’t know that iconic scene, renjun had a whole ass meltdown in 3 seconds while yelling “aAAAAAH JINJJAAAAA” and getting ready to punch the living shit out of hyuck

for no reason other than the fact that it’s haechan we’re talking about and injun’s little body is filled with rage

BACK ON TRACK

would probably try to act all cool about it and be like “i don’t mind” but bruh does he mind

and it doesn’t help that haechan is such a little shit about it

he doesn’t even flirt with you

he just

constantly reminds renjun that he’s your bias—not him—and then constantly praises himself over you

“ah, y/n~ did you choose me as your bias because i’m the best vocalist? or was it because i’m the best dancer? mAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY OH SO BROAD SHOULDERS—”

(pause for injun to punch him)

(unpaused)

and ok in the beginning it was funny seeing him all worked up but now it’s just annoying to be in the same room as these two

haechan won’t let either of you live

and renjun just wants to

fight

so it eventually gets to the point where you’ll talk to renjun and jeno will talk to hyuck cus even the other dreamies are tired of it

except maybe for chenle, he always laughs his ass off when they start bickering

ANYWAY

your conversation goes something like “oh my god renjun i’m literally dating you, i don’t like haechan better or anything you little pile of fury”

while jeno sits hyuck down in front of him and jaemin and just

“bro why are you like this”

“bro”

no but renjun would apologize for going overboard with his protectiveness and jealous energy because he’s not generally like that

he’s angry all the time but never about something involving you, you know

he tries his best to treat you like the royalty you are

but something about hyuck being your bias makes him feel a bit like a castaway???

he’s very creative and as an artsy kid myself i know we’re very prone to feeling left out because we’re just different from the others

so he’d think maybe haechan really has a better voice

or better dancing skills

or he looks better

he is taller than injun after all, and has broader shoulders, and his hair is all fluffy and—

the whole thing just made him insecure about things he had settled with himself long ago

he was fine with being him

but not so much when it came to that

i don’t think you two would fight over it cus tbh i think renjun would really only get with someone who can be very understanding of him

and i think hyuck would actually apologize to renjun too

not when everyone’s around but like, maybe after dinner or something and he just needs to feel like they’re besties again

hyuck never meant for things to get out of control

he just really likes both injun and you as his friends, and aside from skinship his most prominent love language is,,,

teasing

he was really just trying (very poorly) to grow closer to the person his best friend loves so much—you—because renjun is SUCH a big part of his life it would just feel wrong to not be good friends with you as well

don’t tell them i said this but they hug it out

injun strikes me as someone that could take a bit of time to bounce back from something that hurt his pride or his sense of belonging

and his way of healing and bonding is just,,,

art

sure, keep being haechan biased, but also please read with him

and talk about his fantastic animal creations

and watch those buzzfeed unsolved alien theory videos because he really wants to discuss it and maybe even draw what he thinks the aliens look like

hyuck tones it down, you make sure renjun knows you like him for him, renjun starts to (secretly) appreciate hyuck’s talent along with you...

and now let’s take a moment to imagine the minute you watch their latest mv with injun by your side

and yes okay the first thing you see is CLEARLY how good renjun looks because holy fucking shit he’s an angel (and i’m clearly not renjun biased)

but then,,,,,,

wAS THAT A HAECHAN HIGH NOTE

(there’s always a haechan high note, just look for it)

and ok maybe he did scream a bit with you because of how good it all sounded

and you know what, it works out perfectly bc you two are my new otp and you were meant for each other

but we do have to mention the eventual happening of chenle saying like “oOoOoOoH y/N wErE yOu dRoOliNg oVeR hAeChAn AgAiN” after a special stage

and then you, injun and hyuck all attempt to choke him

i’m kidding

or not

Jeno

ah, lee jeno

aka samoyed boi

yes i do call him that no i will not stop

everyone is always writing jeno as being super protective and literally about to burst a lung if someone else ever does as much as look at you

but i just 

don’t see him that way

he’s a taurus and from what i know about taurus they can be v v jealous, yes, but they mainly seek comfort

so he’s fine with you biasing jaemin

as long as you’re not ditching him or anything lol

and ok, imma be 100% honest here even if it sounds like literal no fun (jenojaem wink wonk)

jaemin doesn’t flirt with you

not any more than he flirts with

every other breathing creature

ever

he’s really only platonically interested in you, never remotely romantic or anything lol

on the other side, he is in love with jeno

basically, if jaemin is your bias, jeno is his

so nothing really changes

we know how nomin are, okay

they hold hands, they stare deeply into each other eyes, they nearly kiss at least once every time they go live

it's just them

you gotta respect it bruh

i know this is the most boring reaction ever so let’s create the one (1) instance where jeno would actually dislike that you bias someone else

i think he would feel a bit hurt if you seemed to be more supportive of jaemin’s work than his

and it’s not something big or on purpose

it’s just something like going with him to a recording session but not going with jeno because you have homework

or after a very busy practise day going to praise jaemin first

even if it’s just three words

“you did good”

and then you’re going towards him, he’s gonna feel like maybe he doesn’t deserve your praise as much as nana????

i actually feel like, among the dreamies, jeno is the least confident one when it comes to his performance

he knows he’s not an awful rapper or anything but i think it can be a bit too much, being around such bright and huge presences like the others while his nickname literally means “no fun”

his members are just so loud and full of energy most of the time

and sometimes he just really needs to be quiet and observe in silence 

(yes i do know he’s chaotic and a crackhead, i’m just saying as we know he can be a bit introspective)

so what if you just

stopped seeing him?

did he become invisible to you?

did you finally fall for jaemin’s beautiful smile and stupid pick-up lines?

he’s not gonna let it show that he’s affected, though

earth signs are nearly always the ones to “stay strong” because we have this image that people are relying on us???

so we do what we do

bottle everything up and overwork ourselves bc we only got two modes

1. chill, super balanced and down to earth (ay for the pun)

2. please make us take a break we’re literally about to cry if we work for one more minute but we can’t allow ourselves to fucking take it easy

so yes you’ve guessed correctly, we’re going with 2

jeno is going to go so, SO hard on everything he does 

literally every single activity you can think of from dance practice to photoshoots to cooking for the dreamies

he stays up later than usual to get that one tricky move in the choreo just right

he works out more because he thinks he has to look absolutely perfect for when they shoot the mv

jisung asked for ramen? he’s making it but you bet your ass he’s spending over 40 minutes just chopping so

many

vegetables

AND STUFF THAT JISUNG WON’T EVEN EAT

but he’s doing it anyway for the reason being that it just has to be the Best™

and it’s not like he’s competing with anyone else to be diligent

this is just about being better than he was and showing himself—and maybe you—how painstakingly hardworking and driven he can be

maybe then you’re gonna acknowledge him as much as you acknowledge nana :((

:(((((

writing this is making me downright sad, jeno is so underrated and unaware of his power UGH

and i need to point out this is NOT about making you change your bias from jaemin to him, this is solely about having you recognize his efforts, even if you already do

if you just thought jeno was like going off in work because it was asked of him to, jaemin would DEF notice and talk to you about it

turns out it’s a habit of jeno to go extra hard sometimes and he needs someone to make him take a break

so it goes down like you breaking into the practice room when jeno and jisung were practising

the first reaction is confusion

the second is oh hey babe how are you

third is

a-are you dragging jeno and his bag out of the door while screeching at jisung to order pizza and doughnuts for everyone??

yes you are and i’m proud of you

so jeno is still confused and making those cute “hUh” noises he does omg i love him so much

and you’re just rambling about how much of an amazing artist he is, and you love his voice, and he’s a fantastic dancer, and his expressions and gestures are on point, and he takes such good care of the dreamies and

he’s perfect

and he knows jaemin must have talked to you, and he feels so vulnerable to have you know how on edge he’s been

baby boy just needs some rest

and that’s exactly what you give him, with a bath full of those fancy bath bombs and flower petals and candles at your house/apt

then a quick sheet mask while you massage his shoulders and keep saying how much you genuinely admire him

the mask might be ruined cus he started crying out of exhaustion

after that’s been done and you’ve hugged for at least like 5 min nonstop, you head over to the dorms, where hyuck was in charge of setting up a blanket fort while mork and nana gather board games, jisung gets the food and chenle

well chenle just had to make sure jisung doesn’t forget to order for someone and doesn’t break like 10 plates trying to set the table lol

this is way longer than the others so imma wrap it up

make it obvious and loud that you see and respect jeno’s hard work and he’ll be alright again

and maybe make those game nights a weekly thing when possible, it would make him very happy

he’ll never again feel sad when you praise jaemin cus now he’s sure he does enough, and above all, he is enough

Haechan

haechan = full sun

why would you ever bias someone when you’re dating the goddamned sun

does not understand

but also does not care that much

actually, one out of two really depending on who your bias is

if it’s one of the members he has that tom/jerry relationship with, prepare for so

much

complaining

and clinging

AND HE’D BE SO LOUD OH MY FUCKING GOD

donghyuck please stop screaming about doyoung not deserving to be your baby’s bias, it’s 2 am

on the other hand, if it’s one of the (few) members he,,,

adores with all of his heart and is not afraid to show it

ex: sungchan, jaehyun, taeil and yang2x

then you can bet he’s going to be right beside you whenever you feel like throwing a fit because he’s just so handsome and talented

IF IT’S MARK OSHDISJD

i’m going to write you as being mark biased ok? ok

i honestly don’t know if he’d feel more jealous of mark or of you

he loves you both

a lot,,,,

and he really doesn’t like it when mark blushes when you compliment him

and he doesn’t like it when mark literally just walks past you and you trip over your feet because bro tf u doing, that’s some embarrassing shit

lowkey done with you two

but also PAY HIM SOME ATTENTION

or don’t, he’s fine either way (cue crossed arms and staring at you from across the room until you come give him a kiss)

“he’s pretty cute but i’m cuter right baby”

pouty pouty pouty if he ever feels neglected

will be so fucking annoying lmao i can’t write haechan, i love him but i do understand why renjun is always trying to beat him up

he’d be a show-off in a different way than mark because he can be so petty

will take every chance he gets to pull a one-liner

will sing everything he has to say just so you know he can hit those high notes

what do you mean dream doesn’t have a schedule today

oh man, he could swear they did

because that is the sole reason why he’s wearing his most expensive clothes and shoes + makeup to walk around the dorms, yes

no he doesn’t want to impress you

shut up

will text you like every single fancam he sees on twitter

every

single 

one

and are they mark’s?

lol no, they’re his

he is so genuinely trying to make you a member of his sunflower cult 

<whispers> “tell me i’m your bias” 

“donghyuck what the actual hell why are you standing at the end of my bed in the middle of the night like a fucking demon child”

he really wants to act all cool and composed but he wants to be your bias so fucking bad

he’s a bad bitch all around and just does whatever

cus haechan privilege

and he tends to not care about what people say and think???

bc he knows he’s lee donghyuck

he’s fully aware of the effect he has on people

but you

not biasing him

naw, he can’t take it

will do anything and everything he can to make you say, JUST ONE TIME, he’s your bias

then you can go back to loving (his) mark

so for your sake, for his sake, for mark’s sake

just give donghyuck what he wants

i can promise he’ll keep being an ass no matter what you do

like yeah did you just buy him coffee and his favourite cake? well that’s sweet but iS HE YOUR BIAS YET

“aw babe thanks so much for taking a bullet for me but now please say i’m your bias”

if you still don’t do it, it’s time to be extra petty

will actually drop you for mark

his logic is something like: he can’t be your bias? pity, so he’s just gonna date him instead

and mark is mark so he has no idea what’s going on

everyone in 127 and dream finds this absolutely hilarious cus suddenly donghyuck seems to be doing his best to win over mark’s heart and i mean more than usual???? and he’s treating you like his bro????

<you leaving the dorms to go to uni or smth so you go to hyuck for a goodbye kiss> “no can do, i’m committed”

“i’m your partner”

“no that’s mark”

it’s not 100% a joke when i say i can see him getting down in one knee to propose to mark while making eye contact with you to

assert his dominance

and mark is just

“dude

what HAHAHA”

and you are so done, i’m so sorry you have to go through that bby

i don’t think there’s another way to fix haechan other than just admitting he was your bias for an era, or a comeback or something

like yeah with the other dreamies before him it’s bonding + healing time bc i wrote it all kinda angsty (lol sorry) but with donghyuck

no

“will you stop this if i say you were my bias during reload era”

“mark wasn’t in dream that era tho”

“yes i know”

i say he’s gonna take what he can get and now things can finally go back to normal

with the exception that something else comes along with hyuck being satisfied with you biasing him

he just has a full pass to fanboy over mark now too

what am i talking about?

new 127 mv is out

you: watching it beside haechan and going off about how pretty mark looks

him: going off even harder bc he’s whipped too

this is what a happy couple looks like 

but now i pity mark because he has you two idiots fanboying over him irl

savemork2021

Jaemin

nana is just such a chill and fun guy

i can’t see him being actually jealous or anything if he finds out you bias someone else

and so the two of you become insufferable together

bitch, i’m telling you

he (ur bias) is not gonna have one peaceful day ever again in his entire life

cus you know the thing jaemin does where he just looks at someone doing some random shit and goes “oOoOoH sExY”

yes that thing

he’s doing it to your bias 

and you’re doing it too

and your bias probably wants to run away to some very far away land

PLEASE IF IT’S JISUNG

i’m not gonna write this whole thing as if you bias him but let’s just imagine

two fully grown people

pilling on top of poor, poor park jisung playing games on his phone

“URI JISUNGIEEEEEE

MWOYA, MWOYAAAA~"

i genuinely think he would avoid being around you two at the same time

cus individually he can handle it

like yes y/n please let me go this hug has lasted for about 4 minutes now

or oh hi jaemin hyung my cheeks hurt when you pinch them that hard

but when you two are together

bruh

a power couple not bc you two are v confident or some shit but bc you can and will be extremely affectionate towards anyone that comes too close

and now let’s talk about how it would be if you biased jaehyun

jaemin loves jaehyun

they’re 2jae

2jae are soulmates

therefore,,,, it’s also kinda hellish but in a different way???

bc 2jae are on the end of that spectrum about the neos that know how in love the entire world is with them

they’re too powerful

they’re aware of their charm and they do everything they can to rub it in our faces

so the flirting between 2jae and you would be insane

and i mean insane

insane as in even johnny is kinda disgusted tbh bc

they’re doing a photo shoot with the 23 of them for some shit, idk don’t ask me

and of course, you had to tag along

but oh my god you three, please stop calling each other sexy/hot in weird voices now, the staff is staring

there are def rumours the 3 of you are a poly couple lmao

jaehyun denies everything on social media (throwback to saying “no way lol” when we asked if he REALLY slept in the same bed as jungwoo)

but every piece of content there is of you and jaemin or you and jaehyun or just them is so ridiculously flirty

you can bet there are compilations on youtube like 

“y/n being in love with 2jae for 8 minutes heterosexual”

ok i was having way too much fun with that, moving on

i don’t think he’d ever be actually upset about you biasing someone else

he trusts you and treasures you a lot so he doesn’t see the problem in you also appreciating another one of his members

bc gods know he does

he’s a bit in love with everyone so why shouldn’t you be too lol

one time he would feel a bit blue because of it???

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

i think it’s possible he’d turn pouty or whiny or just kinda needy (not in a bad way, he just misses you) when he’s like

done with people

and needs some time away from everything

we know he’s an introvert, even if he acts very, very loud around the boys and it’s honestly just a matter of time until an introvert grows tired of being around humans

it depends on each person, of course, but there’s a 99% chance every once in a while he’ll start to feel too drained

and he’ll need a break to get his energy back

jaemin would probably want you around even when he feels like that, though

i see you being such a big source of comfort for him in a relationship

he enjoys taking care of people so please take care of him too

and for just this one day don’t talk about your bias that much, or don’t leave nana to go over to him to chat

and just cuddle him a lot

that will make him a smiley baby again

and then things are back to how they normally are

and by that i mean most neos hiding from you because they’re scared 

i don’t have a lot to say aside from that so let’s think about the neos that would be the most intimidated by your shared thot aura

dotae would be confused in different ways lol

taeyong would be just ????????????blush/awkward smile/hahaha??????

and doyoung might actually ask what is wrong with you

<points to jeno and his s/o> “why can’t you be like them”

mark would laugh-scream and slap his knee into oblivion whenever you two are cornering him

but then go super shy and be like “dUDE DON’T DO THAT”

resident confident gay jungwoo would rejoice in the attention and make so many goddamned jokes

a literal comedian i love him

i think sicheng and renjun would be on the same wavelength of repugnance towards you lol

chenle would deadass call you weird and tell you to leave him alone

shotaro and kun might faint (or kun will panic-scold you)

taeil is as confused by affection as usual (have you seen the face he makes when haechan kisses him LMFAO he’s smiling but like wondering wtf happened on the inside)

ten is not very amused but might play into it

yangyang: that’s disgusting, man (cue flashbacks to that live with renjun after the from home stage where renjun pretended to lick his hand and slick his hair back,,, catboy injun,,, you know the one)

xiaojun and hendery are such panicked gays they just turn to stare at whoever else is around and make that “help” expression like they’re on the office

haechan is haechan, kinda doesn’t mind it

jeno is used to dealing with this at this point

lucas and yuta love the attention but while yuta will flirt right back lucas is just gonna smile and try to jop his way out of there while screaming

sungchan will go hide behind haechan and say “hyung they’re being dumbasses again”

this turned into ‘how would nct react to you and jaemin being super flirty together’ and i’m not sorry

Chenle

chenle is so fun to write i love him lmao

okay so

he doesn’t strike me as the possessive type with anyone other than jisung (bc i swear he can be a bit jelly towards his bestie but i think it comes with sungie being the sweetest bean ever, he’s just protective)

he’s such a ray of sunshine and witty jokes and dolphin laughter i love him

back to the plot

he literally couldn’t care less about you biasing someone else

b u t

i will say there’s an exception

this exception is tall, kinda lanky, very awkward and born on the 5th of february

you’ve guessed it, it’s jisung

i think most of the time he’d tease THE SHIT out of you for it because c’mon

you had 22 chances not to mess up

and you still somehow ended up biasing jisung? lol do better next time

and this is not me and chenle hating on jisung, please—

he’d just find it funny that your bias is his best friend and

hold the fuck up

your bias is his best friend

oH NO NO NO NO NO

i think after realizing that he would lowkey try to keep you two apart because he’s somehow jealous of both????

and if he can’t help it then you can bet your ass he will be screaming all along

it’s his sweet, dummy jisung

with his sweeter and dummier y/n

what is he going to do

probably has a mini-breakdown with kun because like he’s always wanted you two to get along bUT NOT LIKE THAT

kun will just sigh like the tired father he is and pet his back while saying “there, there”

and a genius idea is going to come to chenle’s mind

you know the teasing thing?

well it’s upgrade time

he’s gonna turn into such a try-hard with tmi and embarrassing shit you two have done

and he’s not trying to stop you from being friends

he just wants you to like

know who you’re befriending

bc i think since he’s really really close to jisung, he doesn’t want you getting closer to him bc you like his idol side alone

and he doesn’t want jisung getting close to you just because you’re his partner either

if you had high hopes for each other and ended up kinda falling face-first into the ground bc it was nothing like you had imagined—

he’d be so broken

because he loves you so much :((((

so like, if you can get past the teasing and annoying barrier he’s putting up, he’ll be more than happy to have two of the most important people in his life being buddies

so get ready for it

if you’re the type of person to go batshit crazy when you drink, oh boy, oh boy

so you and the dreamies are just having dinner when lele feels like it’s the perfect time to disclose some of your drunken adventures

“hey y/n”

“yeah babe?”

“remember that time you got really really drunk on vodka and candy and wanted to call your mom”

“chenle the hell don’t talk ab—”

“but then you tried using the microwave as a phone”

“...”

“...”

“or that other time you were equally as drunk and watched the make a wish mv and cried because you noticed the height difference between xiaojun hyung and lucas hyung”

yeah so now’s the part you get up to chase him around the dorms and try to land a kick

BUT WORRY NOT, HE’LL MAKE SURE TO EMBARRASS JISUNG JUST AS MUCH

he likes doing that when it’s just the three of you though

so picture this

movie night the girls boys

chenle would 100% pick the most terrifying horror movie he can find so that he could see jisung clinging to whoever’s closest to him

and then right before a jumpscare, he’d whisper like

“jisung”

“w-what”

“why don’t you do that thing you were doing while you slept last night”

(honestly, i’d be mildly scared if i heard lele say this with no context at all)

and then the jumpscare happens and jisung is nearly fainting and crying at the same time

but chenle is laughing

and trying to get out what he wants to tell you between wheezes

“he-he” <dolphin wheeze> “hE WAS SINGING CHEER UP BY TWICE WHILE SLEEPING” <more wheezes>

and look this is just gonna go on for weeks until you and jisung are over it

and stop being weird and awkward around each other

lele needs you two to be bros ok

so be bros

once you do adapt to being pals with your bias i think chenle would take the teasing down a notch just to make you more comfortable

and like he’s so happy now the three of you can hang out and there’s just no tension

happy chenle is the thing i love the most i swear to gods

and if you don’t adapt to it?

well,,,

i honestly think he’d be pretty disappointed, cus it means to him one of you isn’t ready to fully embrace the weirdness within????

and like what u scared of

jisung is a weirdo, what about it, so are you

either that or he’d think you’re maybe being judgemental

so yeah please accept jisungie and your dumbass boyfriend

then everyone can be besties

i love thinking about the three of you as just this hellbound chaotic trio

because chenji already wreak havoc wherever they go as the two of them

but now that you’re coming along,,,,

no neo would escape from your pranks ever again (and even members of other groups lmfao watch out sehun, i’m talking to you)

and it’s so incredible infuriating in a good way that it just turns to be endearing

you’re cute as fuck so no one gets actually mad with the shit you pull????

which is dangerous, someone should really keep an eye out on the three of you 

we don’t need sm to be on fire

well we kinda do cus they’re pretty bad but not my point

i said somewhere above that chenle would tone the teasing down but i don’t mean he’d stop

bc c’mon guys

he’s chenle

no limits here

but sorry, i really cannot write jealous!chenle cus his heart is just too pure and filled with joy for him to be jealous for real

last scenario?

chenle after a comeback stage: ya y/n, i was gonna ask how was my performance today but you were probably more focused on jisung’s arms right

jisung is choking on water somewhere behind you

Jisung

it’s maknae time <plays i.n’s maknae on top>

i don’t mean to picture jisung as being like

ridiculously innocent or just downright naive because i really dislike it when people do that

he’s a literal 19 yo and jaemin himself has said he’s not as innocent as we think lol

however

i do see him as being quite new to all things love 

i think you’d probably be his first partner and with first relationships comes a lot of other firsts

first kiss maybe, first time holding hands, first time being jealous….

first time being jealous, yes, focus on that

i don’t think jisung would be aware that like

you not biasing him is even a possibility

cuz you’re dating

doesn’t that come along????

ah poor baby i love him

if you biased chenle i think he’d be just

disgusted and weirded out but okay?? you do you i guess???

he’s comfortable enough with lele to not feel intimidated

but if it’s another member

ESPECIALLY one of the oldest ones

i think it would be a blow straight to his confidence 

you biasing ten, kun, taeil, taeyong, doyoung or johnny and maybe yuta would make him feel a bit hesitant and concerned

his first thought would probably be that you don’t like being with someone as young as him

and who knows, maybe you’re even younger than him, maybe you’re the same age, but what if you actually like older guys??

what about him then???

and jisung doesn’t mean to feel so worried and insecure, ok, pls understand where i’m coming from

first relationships normally take like a very long time to build trust and acceptance of the other person’s feelings bc it’s literally a whole new world for you

and that goes extra hard for jisung because he is so fucking whipped for you it’s still hard to believe you like him as much

and it absolutely does not cross his mind that you’d cheat on him with your bias, GODS NO

he really respects you and his hyungs 

so no, never

that’s not a thing that can happen

but you realize you’re too good for him and maybe see he doesn’t fit your ideal type?

well, yes, that’s what he’s thinking

probably goes straight to chenle or renjun (he talks about renjun so much asjahj) to vent and ask for advice

i think they’d be surprised to see what’s going on inside his pretty little head because it’s so obvious for everyone that you just adore jisung

and they do tell him that

however, i don’t think it would completely calm his nerves, and again, this has nothing to do with not trusting you

it’s just that

his hyungs are so cool…

HE CAN’T HELP IT OK

would probably try to mirror your bias (i’m saying it’s taeyong for the sake of what i’ve imagined ok) and like

grasp onto some of his qualities?

so in his mind taeyong is: nice, sweet, caring, amazing, perfect, smart, perfect, sexy, mature and did i mention perfect

i can see him trying some new rap styles that mimic tyong’s a bit???

like would lowkey learn his raps from cherry bomb and superm’s one and listen to recordings frequently to pick up on how taeyong does it

i think he’d also just change the way he acts in general to dodge a bit from his maknae image

so now he tries to speak with a more formal-ish language and learns random facts about things you like to seem more intelligent???

“good morning y/n, you look as beautiful as one of voiello’s paintings today :]”

“wait i thought that was a pasta brand”

he’s just trying to show you he can be mature and serious if you want him to

long story short, he’s not acting like himself (not that he’s childish, he’s just out of it) and you don’t like it, so you ask about it and wait for him to feel comfortable with sharing

when he does talk about it breaks your heart so much :((

you’re going to need some patience to try and show him you’d choose him, and not your bias, even if you had the chance

they’re completely different people and you love him BECAUSE he’s jisung, not for any other reason

please reassure him so he can go back to acting like his authentic self, i think it would be such a relief for him too

your words and affection are obviously enough for him, but if it ever happens that he feels especially low and insecure again, it would help if your bias talks to him too

and taeyong wouldn’t have a problem with it

actually, scratch that, taeyong probably knew what was going on all along

he just has that motherly 7th sense (ay) that is even more acute with the dreamies cus like 

127 has him, wayv has kun, but dream has…

the dreamies

and that, my friend, is terrifying

anyway he’d come to talk to jisung asking like “what’s wrong buddy :(“ and sungie would be a bit ashamed because it sounds so silly when you say it out loud

of course tyong wouldn’t judge him, and he just really has to tell jisung what is it you and he are always talking about

it’s him

“when they come around to talk and hang out here it all goes back to you, jisungie. they can’t spend one second without mentioning your name

it’s so cute; it’s always like ‘oh jisung would love this’ or ‘jisung likes it that way’

so please be kinder to yourself and let yourself see that they’re in love with you, not with me and not with any other member they ever mention”

jisung would feel 10000000% better

and smiley

and giggly

and oh my god do you really talk about him that much

LOOK HE’S BLUSHING

would just go over to your house immediately and hug you, burying his face on your neck from behind you

and not let go

ever again

the whole situation just teaches him a lot about accepting your love for him and not questioning it 

shut up i’m not crying

---

final notes: this was my first work after the humanity series and it was so fun lol i think next up is probs gonna be an ideal type scenario for ot23 (but if i really write it i’m gonna post it by subunit and its gonna be way shorter than this, don’t expect 23K words at once lmao)

if you’ve enjoyed this fic please consider reading my humanity series, which is a zombie apocalypse au with kun <3

[mammoneymelon]

How the brothers would react to finding out that MC is autistic

before anyone says anything, i’m autistic and just really want some representation

TW for ableism! the boys are doing their best but no NT immediately knows everything about autism

it’s a bit random, but i headcanon that lucifer has misophonia, so it’s only a matter of time before a noisy/verbal stim starts to drive him up a wall

“what in the devildom are you doing?” he’d ask, eyebrows scrunched in frustration

you have no idea what he’s talking about; after all, you’ve just been sitting on your DDD playing some rhythm game

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been making that noise for hours; cut it out before i have to go find the packing tape.”

you know him well enough to know he isn’t joking, so you nod and do your best to stop, ignoring the feeling of dread beginning to well up in your chest

you go back to your game, and soon enough, you’re back to ‘making that noise’

you see lucifer stand up, bringing your action to your attention.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t realize i was doing it again, sorry!”

“oh?” he asked, looking down at you. 

“it’s stimming. autistic people do it a lot more than others, and sometimes we don’t even notice it.” there’s a moment of silence but you realize you just told him something you hadn’t even told your human friends

“ah, yes, i do remember reading about that in your file. i didn’t want to say anything so as not to offend you.”

you shake your head. “dude! that’s personal business! i don’t like telling people.”

lucifer’s gaze seems to soften. “don’t fret, MC. i won’t tell a soul.”

and he doesn’t.

he also totally buys you quiet stim toys

it’s not long before mammon realizes you are terrible at reading the room

you have a terrible habit of cracking a joke at the worst time or saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it was at the expense of others

at first, mammon, mammon thought you were really brave. now, however, he sees that you just have no idea what you’re doing

currently, your knack for trouble had landed you in detention, something you’d gotten fairly used to in the human world. mammon was sitting next to you - he was paying for trying to defend you

“lucifer’s going to kill us. again.”

“and whose fault is that?”

“sorry,” you mumble. “it’s not like i was trying to get us here.”

“really? because it’s startin’ to seem like you are. not that i blame ya, if i were you i’d do anything to spend more time with the great mammon.” he gives you a smile, and you really hope that means he isn’t mad

“i really don’t like upsetting people, i just don’t really get tone? i didn’t even realize the teacher was mad until you stepped in. “

“dude, she was on the verge of killing ya! what do ya mean you “didn’t even realize”?

you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. “it’s part of a disorder i have. autism. i just don’t get some stuff that comes naturally to other people.”

“ohhh.” mammon slaps his head, feeling like an idiot. “sorry,” he murmurs, and you barely hear it

mammon, being, well, mammon, will probably forget.

it’s not that he doesn’t care! it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

of course, when the two of you do talk about it, he picks up on the symptoms pretty quickly. he’s a pretty smart guy, and he’ll do anything and everything for his human

the two of you are working on a co-op dungeon while you talk about your current special interest

“wow, MC, you know a lot about this!”

“thanks,” you respond, and it hits you - you’ve been infodumping almost this whole time

“haha, yeah, blame it on the autism brain,” you joke absentmindedly, not really caring if he knew. you two were good friends, why would being neurodivergent make a difference?

levi, on the other hand, does a double take. being the gamer he is, he’d definitely heard the word used as an insult, but he’d never thought about anyone actually having autism - much less his best friend

“MC, you have autism?” he turns to you looking genuinely confused, his controller sitting, forgotten, in his lap

“um, yeah? it’s not really a big deal,” you say, shrugging

“yeah it is! i mean i knew you were pretty weird, since you hang out with me-” he stops mid-sentence, realizing his mistake. “NOT IN A BAD WAY, OF COURSE! ah sorry, i said something stupid, like always.”

you shake your head with a small smile. you can tell he’s trying. “trust me, i’ve heard much worse. you’re fine, levi.”

he glances up at you, face red from embarrassment, and your smile widens. “i mean, i don’t think like ‘normal’ people anyway, so yeah, i kinda am weird.”

once you leave his room, he’s at his pc, researching more vigorously that he’s ever done for a class

the more he learns, the more annoyed he gets at the complete misunderstanding of the disorder

ultimately, he just wants to make sure you feel supported and understood

you’re sitting in the library, doing your homework while satan looks over your essay, checking for errors

“oi, MC”

“what’s up?” you respond, still focused on your work

“are you scared of me?”

this prompts you to look up, focusing your eyes on his hands

“i was when i first came here, and i definitely would be scared if i really pissed you off, but no, i’m not scared of you. why do you ask?”

“you never look me in the eyes. or my brothers, actually.”

oh. you’d been hoping no one had noticed. “oh, i just don’t like eye contact. it makes me uncomfortable.” you return your eyes to your paper, hoping that was enough.

“how so?” 

so it wasn’t enough.

“i’m autistic, genius. i figured it was obvious by now.”

“oh. that makes sense.” that’s all he says, so you try to return your focus to your homework.

satan is probably the most comfortable talking to you about it. he’ll ask you questions about your personal experiences and make an effort to understand you better

one day you look over his shoulder to find him reading an article on masking on his DDD

he cares deeply for you, even if it’s hard for him to say so

asmo has wrangled you into yet another shopping trip

“MC, look at this!! you have to try it on!”

one look at the article of clothing and your face is already scrunching up

“absolutely not.”

“awe, why not?” he gives you the biggest puppy eyes and you sigh. he knows your weaknesses.

“the material. i hate it.”

“but it would look so good on you~”

clearly, he’s not going to give up unless you explain yourself to him

“sure, for a couple seconds, until i have a complete meltdown,” you remark. “i’m autistic, so some textures just make me feel really bad.”

his mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and then he goes back to looking confused. “i hadn’t even thought about that as a possibility! you should’ve said something earlier!”

he feels really bad about all the times he’s touched you without warning. he thought your shock was cute (and he still does), but he knows that autistic people sometimes dislike touch - he’s definitely had at least a couple autistic ‘partners’ in the past

he’s quite the observant demon, quickly picking up on sensations you d and don’t like. if you’re bothered by smells, he does his best to lay off on the perfume - granted, it’s a necessary part of his routine that he absolutely cannot give up completely. he lets you play with the dimmer in his room so you can find the amount of light that works best.

occasionally, he’ll have to tell you that he’s trying his absolute best to flirt and you are giving him nothing. you’re just like “oh shit i didn’t realize”

asmo’s just a sweetheart who wants you to be comfortable

beel unfortunately has to learn about your autism because of a situation out of your control

you’re in the gym, keeping him company while he works out

you’re searching his bag and you realize you don’t have your headphones

oh fuck.

you always bring your headphones to the gym; the sounds of televisions, music, people talking, weights clinking, treadmills rumbling... it’s too much

not to mention the stench of sweat and the florescent lights - truly an autistic person’s nightmare

you squeeze you eyes shut, but that only makes the noise worse. you’re surrounded by noise and you can’t stop it. it occurs to you that you’re no longer breathing properly but it’s just too loud and you’re so small

“MC?” beel’s voice is soft and filled with obvious concern. you open your eyes, seeing him kneeling in front of you. your eyes sting, and you realize you’re tearing up. “MC, are you alright?” 

all you can do is shake your head

“do you want to go home?” you nod, biting your lip as he stands up, making you feel even smaller.

he quickly packs his things into his bag and offers you a hand, helping you get up

he quickly escorts you outside, where you practically gulp for air. 

he waits patiently with you while you slowly ground yourself. 

“okay, let’s go home.” you explain sensory overload as you walk, then tell him about your autism

beel, like asmo, is very observant and he learns surprisingly fast. 

he’s also very protective of you. if someone triggers you, he won’t hesitate to tell them off before doing a grounding exercise with you

he’s basically you’re giant therapy demon and you love him for it

it’s becoming way too much. you’ve been masking heavily for months, monitoring your every move while doing your absolute best to thrive in a (literally) completely different universe than what you’re used to

you’re laying facedown on the couch, practically unable to move. you want to go to your room, but your body won’t let you

“mc?” you hear belphegor’s voice. “are you trying to imitate me?” he teases

you simply groan in response, not wanting to bother

for a moment he goes silent. then, you feel a hand on your shoulder

you jolt up, swiping his hand away as you let out a small shout. belphie’s eyes are widened in surprise

“don’t touch me! ...please,” you add as an afterthought, feeling bad for scaring him

he sits with you on the couch, taking care to leave space between the two of you. “what’s wrong?” you don’t respond. “mc?”

“burnout. too much. feel bad.”

belphie has absolutely no clue what that means, but he figures he knows something that might help.

“want to take a nap with me?”

you have to think about it before responding with a “sure” and slowly crawling into his arms (if that’s something you’re okay with)

it’s night when the two of you wake up. you still feel awful, but you can at least cope better.

once belphie’s more awake, he asks you what the hell happened

“two words: autistic shutdown”

“that doesn’t explain anything” - belphie really doesn’t know anything about humans

you do your best to explain - you were born with a brain that works a bit differently than most humans. some of the symptoms are an aversion to change and ‘odd’ behavior that’s difficult to hide. when you get too stressed, you just kinda ‘shut down’

he takes a bit to really understand, but once he does, he does his best to support you.

he falls asleep to your infodumping and you find it endearing

he gets good at recognizing when you’re starting to shut down and he always convinces you to take a break via a cuddly nap

[azurowle]

So Lily Cade has written a pathetic, whining excuse on her blog in response to her abhorrent anti-trans screeds last week.

I’m not going to reblog it here, because I do not want that fucking mojo on my blog and I absolutely do not want to attract the attention of someone who has stated she would kill all trans women if she had a chance and stated she wanted to see Jazz Jennings’s mother gang-raped.

I am, however, going to respond to it bit-by-bit, because somebody has to:

Cut out the “Oopsy-doodle, I my persona did a fucky-wucky uwu” tone. After what you wrote you have no fucking right.

Does this read to anyone else as though she’s trying to excuse her actions? “See it wasn’t ME who wrote it, it was my porn persona! She should never have been allowed near a keyboard, when she thinks I’m in trouble she just can’t help herself ~!💕✨💕✨” girl shut the fuck up.

Like I have meltdowns too but I DO NOT FUCKING RANT ABOUT WANTING OTHER PEOPLE TO BE LYNCHED, SEXUALLY VIOLATED, AND KILLED PERSONALLY BY MY OWN HANDS.

I love how the TERFs/gender shittics are doing everything they can to say “no she’s not one of OURS we don’t CLAIM her” like. Look at her writing. Look at her rhetoric. Remove the name on the apology, do a little editing to remove the context (not MUCH editing), and slap it up on Tumblr. You know EXACTLY which blogs would be all over it like flies on shit, praising her. A cis woman who has raped other women.

Did I mention that Fallon Fox, one of the women Lily “joked” about wanting to lynch, is literally black? Like, you are a white woman Lily Cade SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. Whether you were joking about lynching her “““persona””” or not, FALLON FOX IS BLACK. You DAMN WELL KNOW THE CONNOTATIONS OF THAT WORD.

As a matter of fact - you, Lily Cade, as a white woman, were picked up by concerned police officers who took you to a mental hospital. How do you think that would have gone for a black woman, let alone a black trans woman, in the same situation?

You can try all you want, but The Matrix is OUR ALLEGORY. Not yours.

You do NOT get to hide behind your cute uwu little “persona” to excuse what you did. You do not get to hide behind “but I was talking about trans women’s personas, not them!” as an excuse. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS LIKE A FUCKING ADULT.

“Lily Cade got very upset because the interview I gave, not in a dissociative fugue state, was shit all over so hard.” For fuck’s sake Lily you raped other women and then had the fucking AUDACITY to claim that all trans women were rapists and got an international platform over it over the trans women who warned the journalist that you were a predator.

Even then, there is something called “the consequences of your fucking actions.” That’s something you will have to live with for your entire life. If I would have had any pity for you, it’s gone now.

“Lol that’s just my sense of humor developed to protect me from - ” tell me - as a porn actress who is critical of the porn industry, what is so fucking funny about wanting a mother to be sexually assaulted for having the audacity to love her child?

“Sorry if I really hurt you for realsies I guess but If you’re oUtRaGeD - ” no I’m FUCKING SCARED. I am SCARED for the trans women who are my friends who have to get up every morning and see this shit! I am terrified for my trans women friends, ESPECIALLY my black friends, because some jackass will read that article, or hear about it from a friend, and think it is okay to be violent towards a trans woman because clearly she’s a predator, or trying to “trick” them, or some sort of sexual deviant it’s OKAY to be violent to!

And I’m scared that the people who are VERY MUCH ABLE to enforce legislation forcing trans people back into the closet and out of being able to exist in public spaces like a normal human being are going to use this article as a justification!

All in all this non-apology is…just pathetic. Her screeds were horrifying and disgusting, this is just her trying to weasel her way out of taking any sort of actual responsibility for her actions.

Don’t come back, Cade, and don’t let the doorknob hit you on the way out.

[thebluestbluewords]

Something New (~1700 words, Mal/Ben, shameless fluff content because I don’t care what Disney says, I’m writing a better wedding for these kids)

✨

“Hey, Mal.” Ben says. “Look at me for a sec?”

Mal turns. There’s a faint breeze blowing through the pines, and the air moving over the water of the enchanted lake smells fresh and sweet, despite the late-summer heat that’s making Mal’s hair fall limp and sweaty against the back of her neck.  “Yeah?”

Ben’s smiling at her, that sweet one that makes his cheek dimple and his eyes go all bright and happy. He’d been sitting on one of the rocks by the lake, but slides off so that he’s kneeling instead, still staring up at Mal with that sweet look on his face. “Will you marry me?”

What.

“I--” Mal stutters. “Yes?”

“Really?”

Mal’s heart is pounding like she’s running from a dragon. From Mother. No need to sugar coat it when there’s nobody but herself to hear. “I think so,” she tries again, breath stuttering. “I mean, yes. I do want to marry you.”

Oh, gods above. Mal does want to marry him, and it’s terrifying. She’s never wanted to marry anyone before, and she’s thinking about it too much now, and oh, Evie is going to absolutely flip when she hears this. “What the fuck.” Mal says. As Ben scoops up her hand and kisses it. There’s no new ring in his hand, but he kisses the seal, the one that Mal’s been wearing since that first day where she choose this new life, when she chose to be good.

“I love you,” Ben says. “And I want to marry you.”

“And I love you.” Mal says back, automatically. “Why do I feel like I’m being completely blindsided by this?”

Ben shrugs. He’s still down on his knees, and the sunlight filtering through the trees is turning his hair all golden. He’s so earnest about these things. Mal loves him, whatever the hell that means.

“I couldn’t tell you that,” Ben says, leaning into Mal’s leg a little bit. “I wasn’t trying to be subtle, you know. The whole, like, cute place out here, making time to actually get a proper date instead of just crashing after class, and I did literally ask you how you felt about marriage the other week.”

“I thought it was a hypothetical.” Mal says, almost automatically. “I thought you were asking for, like, some kind of vague time in the future, not now.”

“Do you want me to take it back?” Ben asks, looking a bit taken-aback himself. “I can ask you later, or never, if that’s what you want.”

“No!” Mal exclaims, and makes a grabby motion at her fiance, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. Ben’s got a very kissable sort of face, so it only makes sense for Mal to kiss him a little bit.

“Okay.” Ben says, but it comes out sort of like ‘Ookey’ because of the way Mal is sort of holding on to his face. “Not taking it back then.”

“I think I’m gonna need a hot second to process this.” Mal says, once she’s pulled back from kissing the daylights out of her prince, what the fuck. “Are we like-- what does this even mean?”

Ben buries his grin in Mal’s cheek, as is right. “Well, when two people love each other very much--”

“Shut up! Are we like, is this it?” Mal asks, tipping over into something a little bit hysterical. “Do you have some kind of royal bling hidden somewhere you’ve been waiting to pass on until now?”

Ben kisses her again, just a little bit. “Well, I do sort of have to do this publicly at some point,” he says, voice low like he’s at least sorry about it. “It’s a whole tradition, and my parents will get really mad if I don’t, and you know the whole deal. I was going to give you the ring then.”

“I want fair warning before you make me have emotions in public,” Mal says, quick as anything. She’s crying a little bit, oh gods. “And the council will get mad, you mean. Your parents accept me for who I am now.”

Ben kisses the tears that are sliding down Mal’s cheek. “Yeah. My parents want me to be happy, and you make me really happy, so. The council was still hoping that I’d get married to one of the Auradon Prep princesses, but well, you saw how well that was working out.”

Mal snorts through her tears. “You like a bit of rough, huh princling?”

“I like you.” Ben says, oh-so-earnestly. Oh, she’s going to cry again. Ben must notice the way that Mal’s face is going warm and blotchy pink with the emotion, because he pulls back sort of abruptly to put his hands on her shoulders instead, moving his thumbs gently along the tense muscles there. “Is that too much? I shouldn’t say I like you?”

“I-- I don’t know,” Mal stutters. She feels sort of sick, but in a good way. A stomach-flipping, butterflies way.  “I feel sort of like I’m going to-- I think I’m having an emotion?”

“Does it hurt?” Ben asks, grinning.

Mal smacks him gently with the palm of her hand, and leaves it there, cupping his sweet face. “Yeah! It does. What’re you gonna do now, huh? You’re making fun of me, and I’m hurt. You can’t say something like that to your girlfriend. That’s not Auradon-approved.”

Ben’s grin only gets wider. “Ah, but I’m not saying it to my girlfriend!” he says, approaching unbearable levels of disgusting joy. “You said yes! You’re my fiancee now.”

Mal has to laugh, and even if it comes out a little hysterical sounding it’s better than nothing.  “Evie says it doesn’t count until there’s a ring on it, and I don’t see any ring yet, princeling. Gotta get me that bling and then you can be mean to me all you want.”

“I do have a ring, you know,” Ben says, leaning into Mal’s touch. “I thought you wouldn’t want to see it yet.”

Mal’s not sure what exactly to do with that one. Sure, she’s got some different traditions around relationships, but it’s hard to miss any wedding traditions from back home when none of the villains she knew even got married unless it was to publicly announce an alliance, and even then those marriages were usually short lived and an excuse for a night of indecency and public innuendo. Nobody but sidekicks got married for love on the isle, and while gangs might have exchanged some sort of trinket to make sure they were marked as running together, the bracelets and tattoos didn’t have the same sort of sentimental value as proper wedding jewelry.

Unless.

“Oh. Until you do it publicly?” Mal realizes. She’s been the one to put more emphasis on doing things the ‘right’ way, and even after some of the revelations that came with her somewhat public meltdown last year, she’s still got some hangups about doing things the way that Auradon society would have them done.  Evie would have some psychoanalysis about it , that’s for sure.

Whatever. It’s fun to figure out how to blend in to proper high Auradon society, especially now that she knows there’s no pressure from Ben to do so. As  long as she’s not actively insulting people or trying to stir up too much trouble, he doesn’t care what kind of lowkey, simmering dissent she’s stirring up against his father. It’s like blending in anywhere else, really. All it takes is a little practice and some bending of the rules, and now that she’s got a good enough handle on what boundaries can be pushed, it’s almost like a game and not like a terrifying unknowable pit of anxiety that’s consuming her bones from the inside out.

Yeah.

“Yeah,” Ben agrees. “I thought you’d want to have something left of the surprise for when I do it publicly, but you can look at it once we get back if you don’t wanna wait.”

“Yeah? Is it in the back of your sock drawer too?” Mal asks, teasing now that she’s got her mind under her again.

Ben goes a bit pink about the cheeks. “Maybe,” he says. “So what? It’s not like anybody’s looking there.”

“Knowing you, you’re keeping some kind of historical relic in the back of your drawers, huh?” Mal asks, sweeping her fingers through her fiance’s hair. Fiance. It’s not sort of a nice sound to it, actually.

“No.” Ben says, immediately. “It’s not a relic. Not for you, Mal Bertha, first of her name, first of the VKs to come over to Auradon. You deserve something that’s all your own.”

“I’m not--” Mal starts.

Ben cuts her off. “You are. You’re the first Mal, and that’s what matters. Your mom might not have given you a full name, but you made one for yourself. That’s what we’re about, aren’t we? We’re the ones in charge of our own destinies, not some stuffy adults who are still living in the past.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you crying?” Ben asks, because he’s awful sometimes and wants Mal to talk about her emotions.

Ugh. Dragons don’t cry. “Not yet, asshole.” Mal gets out, around the weird feeling in her throat, and okay, yeah, the tears that are threatening to slip out.

“Do you want me to stop being nice to you? I can smack you if that would help.” Ben offers unhelpfully, still grinning a little bit. What a dork.

Mal lets out a choked sort of laugh, and leans back to offer her cheek, tears and sweat and all. “Yeah, actually. Just gimme a good whack, okay? I’m sure that’ll go over great with the others.”

“We can say you drove into a branch.” Ben says, and presses a kiss to her cheek instead.

“Oh geez, don’t even remind me,” Mal says, wincing a bit at the memory. She’s still getting the hang of the whole moped thing, and narrow forrest trails don’t make for the easiest learning experience. “I think I still have pine needles in my teeth.”

Ben kisses her again. “Sorry.”

“No you’re not.” Mal reminds him.

“I’m not!” Ben says gleefully, and hugs Mal so hard she can feel her ribs protest a little bit. “I’m going to marry you.”

“Dork.” Mal says, ruffling his hair.

“Yeah.” Ben agrees, and pulls on the sweaty end of her ponytail in something like retaliation.

“You wanted to make this official, beastie boy?” Mal says, teasing but also so deadly serious that she can feel her heartbeat all the way in her fingertips.

“Yeah,” Ben breathes. “Yes, Mal.”

“What’s more official than a little true love’s kiss, huh?” Mal breathes,  and kisses him.

[seathesilverlinings]

So last night I got called “fucking inconsiderate”

Since this is going to be a long info dump and me just generally feeling sorry for myself I’m going to put the rest of the post under a cut.

I’m not asking for sympathy, not asking for anything really I just need to get this out somewhere to get it out of my head.

I know people are going through their own stuff and they don’t need to read mine on top of that.

Last night I got called “fucking inconsiderate” by my mums best friend of the past 8 years and someone who I have REPEATEDLY bent over backwards for and done every single thing she has ever asked of me without a question, just happy to help, even helped her with stuff without being asked. When I tried to apologise she told me I had “already fucked her off” and to “get out of her face” before she “gave me an even harsher tongue lashing”

And when I got home I had a full fucking meltdown.

Unfortunately it’s not an option to cut her out of my life due to certain circumstances that would take my mental health down a couple of notches if I did so.

And you would think she’s just in a bad mood and she’s been horrible to me many times before so why can’t I just get over this one? Well the matter of the fact is that this isn’t the only *one* thing right now.

My mental health is at an all time low. The last time I felt anywhere close to this was after I lost my grandad three years ago, something which I have still not fully recovered from.

Over the past year I have been treated like shit by “the powers that be” at my place of work, you’ve seen me complain about this before. But I still have helped and helped and helped. I got moved over to a new department where I was not comfortable but I needed a job, once I got comfortable there my boss from my old department suffered mental health issues of her own due to stress and went on long term leave. They asked me to cover, so I did, but on top of everything else I was already doing with my new position. I told them I was exhausted after a couple of weeks (I literally felt bone tired and almost fell asleep on the floor at home one night because I sat down) and I was told by my new manager, someone who picks and chooses when she works and what parts of her job she actually does that “we all get like that sometimes” this same woman was horrible to me the day before I had a job interview for somewhere else, to the point that I broke down in the HR office, but it doesn’t matter because two of the HR ladies are her best friends.

Most of you know I had a car accident last June which left me with severe whiplash that I still haven’t recovered from, what I don’t think I’ve mentioned on here is that I had another two back in March. After the second one I was beside myself, I was in pieces (not literally of course) but I was with my grandma and said I was going to go home and call my dad because “he will make me feel better” (my mum was away in the Maldives so she wasn’t an option) I called him and told him what happened. His response? “Why do you only ring me when something bad happens?” I call him when something bad happens because I need him, I don’t call him in general because he’s always busy and I don’t want to bother him, he knows that because I have told him before. I went to his house to drop something off recently and because I don’t go because I don’t feel welcome /am never invited when my step mum got home she was like “oh sea’s here! To what do we owe the honour of this visit?!” Which made me feel even more unwelcome. Whenever I spend time with my dad recently it feels like it’s just a chore to him, something he has to do in the week.

My grandma who I love to absolute death she is my favourite person on the planet has started pointing out the time when I go to visit her. Now this might seem like a little thing but I go twice a week and every time it’s “oh it’s *this time* already” and my experience is that people do that when they want someone to leave. And it’s starting to feel like she doesn’t want me there.

When my dad takes me to see my nana on a Sunday when I’m spending time with him, she ignores me or talks over me, all the time. If I ever try to tell her about something nice I’ve done she starts talking over me about my cousins achievements and what they’ve done (which I hate to say has made me resent them somewhat, but that’s my issue because except exclude me from things which I don’t mind since we’re not that close, they’ve done nothing wrong in this) this has been going on for as long as I can remember. If I didn’t behave perfectly as a child I would be told off very harshly but if my cousins did the exact same thing, nothing. I made a comment about how my cousin must be tired because she was working lots of hours and she snapped at me saying “well she’s studying too!” But when it was me studying she told me that my dad would be disappointed in me because I got a bad grade, while I was on the phone with her extremely upset. She recently made a comment to my dad when the football was on and my stepbrother and his wife were staying with them that it was “nice he finally had someone to do those kinds of things with” I was sat right there.

Whenever I try to talk to my mum about anything she says “I don’t have time to deal with this right now!” And expects me to be fine but then throws a fit (and I mean a full on tantrum) when I don’t want to talk to her about anything. Whenever she comes home from spending the weekend at my stepdads house, despite the house being much cleaner than I come home to on a Friday evening it’s always “this house is a shit hole! Why do I always have to come back to this house being a mess?! You don’t do anything to help me here! You just sit on your arse and do nothing all the time!” I work 8 hour days and three days a week when I leave the house I’m not home properly for 12 hours.

My best friend lives 74 miles away at best, depending on where she is at the time, my friends nearby is always busy with work. I love my boyfriend but the drive to get to his is exhausting for me on top of already being exhausted and he can’t drive so him coming to me isn’t an option.

I am sick to death of feeling like no one in my life likes me.

And I’m aware that some of these things just sound like I’m moaning and being petty. But I don’t have the mental capacity for this anymore. Last night I reached my breaking point but I’ve still had to pull myself together and come to work today and I’ve still got shit to do. But everything I want to do? I have no energy or patience for anymore.

I’m back in a place where I no longer feel like myself I just feel like a zombie and considering last time it took me two years to drag myself out of it I’m scared about how long it’ll take me this time.

[queenlua]

Last week you mentioned GPG has really serious problems. Could you tell me more about them? I can't find much of anything online.

first, thanks for your patience with this appallingly late reply! september hit me like a truck :P

second: huh, wow, okay, a cursory google search really failed to turn up much stuff, huh. depressing!

i'm-a talk about the summer 2019 keyserver attack, not because that's the only issue / security vuln / fuck-up the project has ever had, but because it's (1) a hilariously bad fuck-up, and (2) generally reflective of how the project deals with security concerns, and thus demonstrates that the project is fundamentally pretty unserious

so.

this gist, by one of GnuPG's maintainers, does an okay job of summarizing the problem. a brief summary:

* one of the putative purposes of OpenPGP is to provide a "web of trust" via keyservers. i know Jane Doe, i meet her in person, i verify she is who she says she is, and i sign her key; that signature gets reflected in some keyserver, which acts like a big phone book. now, in the future, if you can't personally go verify Jane Doe's trustworthiness, but you do trust me, you can trust communications from Jane Doe, and you looked all this info up in the keyserver

* "what if a malicious actor tried to overload the keyserver?!?!" e.g. what if i spam ~150k signatures on some dude's key just to fuck with the network

* the answer, in the case of GnuPG, is, "this software is shitty and bad and can't deal with that volume so it just grinds to a fucking halt"

* ...and also most the keyservers try to copy their data from each other so you can have a ~web of trust~ throughout the network, which means, these malicious keys quickly perpetuate through the entire nnetwork

* which means anyone who receives the Forbidden Key Data TM, in practical terms, has broken their fucking GnuPG install, and that whole ~web of trust~ thing we built up is now unusable

technically speaking, this is not a security lapse per se! no cryptography has been broken; no secret data has been leaked. it is, however, a fairly straightforward denial of service attack, and is probably kind of disappointing if you wanted your security software to, you know, do software things

and look, anyone can be bitten by a nasty bug. you'll never see me being like "WOW WHAT DUMBFUCKS, HOW COULD ANYONE WRITE SUCH A STUPID BUG," because, y'know, there but for the grace of god i go, and all that. if anyone tells you they're smart enough to never write a bug, they're a fucking liar.  (my full-time job for a while was literally proving those people liars, and i never fucking failed, not because i am brilliant, but because all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god. [sorry for all the god stuff; my long-abandoned southern baptist heritage comes through when i'm talking security for some reason])

however! the manner in which you respond to such a vulnerability matters:

* let's say i had discovered this bug in GnuPG. the industry standard, if i'm kind and polite, is: i disclose the bug privately to the maintainers, and they have a 90-day window during which to fix it. if they still haven't fixed the problem at the end of the 90 days, that's fine, that's their prerogative, but *i* also get to announce to the world "hey there's this bad bug, here's how i found it, and here's how to exploit it."

this is done to keep The World In General TM safer. see, i'm just some rando. if *i'm* able to find a bug in your shitty software, then it's guaranteed the NSA or Unit 8200 or some-other-super-secret-government-agency absolutely has the resources and wherewithal to find the same bug. and also, some slimy just-in-it-for-the-money hacker gang probably also has the resources to find it. by telling the company "hey, i will go public with this in 90 days," i'm lighting a fire under their ass to actually fix the problem, rather than just letting them pretend security by obscurity will save them, and if they don't fix it by then, then at least users have a prayer of finding out, hey, these dudes do not take security problems seriously, and making informed choices based on that.

there is some wiggle room in this. for instance, the fuck are cloud vendors supposed to do about something like Spectre/Meltdown? there were some shitty, not-100%-effective mitigations that could be done in software, but fundamentally the only real fix was getting new hardware, and tragically, we cannot redesign, manufacture, and ship brand new CPUs to everybody who might be affected within a 90-day timeframe. ergo, Google Project Zero pushed their disclosure deadline way out on that. but, crucially: they still went public at some point, and Intel did not cry "wah" or "no fair" or anything like that. they worked with researchers as best as they could, and once the cat was out of the bag, they offered public resources to help developers understand how their software might be affected. that's the rules of the game.

compare this to, uh, GnuPG's outrageously shitty response (from the previously-linked gist), which can basically be summarized as:

* "wah ocaml is complicated and we don't know how to maintain our own fucking software wah"

* "ten years [?!?!?!] wasn't enough time for us to fix the problem wah"

* "whoever did this attack is a hater :((((("

which. what. what the actual fuck. those are not actual reasons to not fix your sofwtare.

also, the way in which you present your software matters:

* i've thrown up shitty hobby projects on github before. if someone came to me all earnest with a CVE against them, i'd laugh, append the README to say "yo i threw this together on a weekend while i was buzzed, you should absolutely not be relying on this for anything that matters, xoxo lua." that is 100% fine! advertising THIS SOFTWARE IS NOT NECESSARILY SECURE and thus electing not to give a shit about security problems is fine.

* i've been a part of things that are... somewhere between a hobby project and Real Software TM. e.g., research prototypes that you're hoping will be widely used so you can get a better sense of desired use cases and unexpected constraints, but which you hope will be used primarily by "power users" or others who are interested in that project's specific goals.

such a project may not be able to offer the same kinds of security guarantees as Fancy Corporate Software, and that's fine, so long as they're open and honest about stuff like: what the goals of the project are, what we're sure of and what we're less sure of, how we're vetting our stuff, what our policies are when someone does report a security issue, stuff like that. there's plenty of stuff maintained on a volunteer basis that i'd generally trust because, i expect they'll notify me if there is a serious security concern to be worried about, or they have a long track record of excellence in a narrowly-tailored space, etc. that's all good.

* what you cannot, cannot, cannot do, is: claim to offer some kind of robust security solution to people in actually-precarious situations, and then not actually act like a steward of those person's interests. if you're, oh, telling Venezeulan dissidents "our [shitty hobby] software [with gaping, well-known vulnerabilities that haven't been exploited yet ONLY because no major nation-state entity has felt threatened by our code yet, but if they were so threatened, they could trivially wreck the entire project using a well-documented years-old vulnerability we can't be assed to fix because ocaml is hard i guess] is safe and reliable to use!"

...if you're telling political dissidents that? and then you get over-the-top pissed off at someone pointing out the fucking problem you refuse to fix? and somehow make it all about mememe? then fuck you, sincerely. the threat those dissidents face is not someone breaking the fucking key network. the threat is you, you personally, because you are fucking lying to them about what your software is able to do.

GOD. sorry, just. i reread that link and got so pissed again. fuck that attitude entirely. if you let people down, fucking just sit with that for a bit, okay?  sit and think and do better next time.  christ.

anyway.

this is a particularly gratuitous example of GnuPG maintainers being little shits, but in general they've been lackadaisical and dismissive some other times in the past when people have brought them real security problems, and then act all pissy if, y'know, people go public with said security problems. i haven't kept up with their work lately (i think maybe the community got kind of annihilated by this keyserver thing?) & i have other bones to pick with any project of that type (it's kind of taking the wrong tack entirely imho), but like, yeah, in general if a software community's response to security bugs is "oh gosh that's hard maybe we'll get to it someday," you should not be trusting that software lol

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

BFCD Reviews by Nesha: Final Space, Season 3

Everybody that know me know that I’m high class #Quillective trash and my main thoughts and feelings go out to Quinn Ergon and Gary Goodspeed - precious Gemini gems, and of course the BABIES: Little Cato, Ash and Fox #NeshaLuhDaKids I had some attachment to Avocato once upon a time, but that n***a got on my LAST nerves this season, so we currently at “Do you, Boo” status by the end of S3, and eventually, yes, I’ma get to why that is. 

Disclaimer for somebody who stumbled across this post because of the fandom tags - I am an independent partaker of this content, not “part of the fandom,” and my audience in particular is NOT for everybody. SO: If you may have been criticized in the past for casual racism, tone deafness to Black women’s concerns or accused of misogynoir or antiblackness, leave now. 

If you don’t like cussing, AAVE, general ratchetness and mean lesbian energy, you too might wanna go. A bitch can be eloquent, but I type like I talk, at times, so it is what it is and I don’t curate for kids, dudes, or nonblacks. That’s just what that is.

I wanna start with Ash Graven. This season is about Ash more than anybody else, despite the fact that there was a lot of emphasis on Avocato’s toxic ass man pain and growth in Quinn and Gary’s relationship, ULTIMATELY, nobody in the crew did more coming into fruition as Ash did, and I have a lot to say about her, because I have a lot of feelings.

♡ Ash Graven

1. Ash is a kid. Lol. Everybody got very confused because of the unnecessary transformation that Invictus gave her. Ash did not “grow up,” her body was altered. That’s a fuckin kid in a woman’s body. A kid who has previously been living with survivor’s guilt, parental abuse/neglect/exploitation, chronic trauma, and a disastrous superpower that most people could not be trusted to carry. She’s a child having a coming of age moment in this season that is mostly molded in manipulation. If you hate on Ash, go fuck yourself. ESPECIALLY if I’ve caught you stanning other characters who have been shit characters, in this fandom or not. Ash was dealt a shit hand and nobody had her back but her brothers, and she’s done what she could and thought was best to care for them. Anybody that missed that - just don’t have kids, K.

2. Ash has no parental guidance. As far as she knows, the only adults who have ever had her back are dead and the ones that she’s stuck with now, she GAVE a chance to try to trust them. She gave Quinn a chance to try to see some of Nightfall (the only adult that we’ve seen not exploit her) in her. She gave Gary a chance by choosing him over Clarence, when she had to make a choice. She even gave Clarence’s ass another chance - with which he responded by dying to not fail her. Now, she has Gary, who just a few days or weeks ago, idek, forced her to try to summon her powers while she was both injured and also upset over having to leave her brother behind - TO SAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND! And she got snatched away in the process and left behind with the enemy, to be mentally assaulted and returned changed, only to have them not trust her.

I love Quinn too. I love her dearly. But the facts were that she was dying and having an episode that nobody could really help with, and Gary didn’t take the time or consideration to think about the stress that he was putting on Ash by putting her in the position to make her feel like she needed to save Quinn for him. Whether or not she was the only one who could, that is a lot to put on a child, and not only did he do it, but he didn’t even seem to think that hard about it whenever he then left her ass. Sure, he was glad when she was returned, but that was a fucked up situation that yet another adult put her into, and the first thing that he should have wanted to do when seeing her was to apologize and try to make it right. It was a huge miscalculation to treat her as a potential enemy that he and Avocato needed to vet. EVEN IF that’s what she was to them, both of them should have had the sense to assess while still treating her as the kid that they supposedly knew.

3. Most of her trauma has been recent and continuous. She looked up to Nightfall, watched her die, and had a meltdown. The events from Season 2 (with Clarence almost killing Fox and leaving him to die, her leaving his side to help out, seeing that Sheryl was treacherous to her own son, losing Nightfall), and the events that are taking place in Season 3 are only in the span of a few months.

They were only stranded for a month whenever we see them surviving together. That girl has had more happen to her to hurt her than to help her and nobody around her BUT Little Cato has been sensitive to that. And they are all fucking adults.

These things being noted - changing Ash’s design was the absolute worse fucking thing. Aging a girl up to make the bad things that follow more palatable is what that seems to be. Ash is still a kid. And THEN, they allegedly made her a queer kid. I say allegedly, because that “reveal” was so poorly done and subtle and weak that I, an almost 40 year old queer, didn’t realize that that’s what they meant whenever they said that they were gonna reveal somebody as a character who is part of the LGBT community.

So... FS production just gon’ decide not only to transform her body into that of a woman, when her mind is still full on traumatized child and hormonal teenager, but also, she likes girls, and they didn’t even do it in a cohesive way that added to the story. They threw it in, like, “BTW, she likes girls, and also, she’s full grown now.” then immediately went for the “Villain” lever, and bitches just ate that shit up. Fuck y’all, forreal. 

& Fox

He didn’t deserve that shit. And, I know a lot of people felt that he was pointless and boring, but his ass was sweet and caring and searching for love and acceptance. As a background character, I liked him. But, he was literally just fodder for Ash’s downfall, which was unfair and problematic, considering that his ass is definitely Black coded. Don’t play. He was voiced by a Black man, spoke with a blaccent, and definitely would be read as Black if you wasn’t looking at him and seeing an alien. They gave him a sacrificial negro trope, the big friendly negro that can kill you but loves everybody trope, and they used his death to just push some narrative forward to set up the one verified queer character as a villain. They got they ass in a vehicle and rolled right over another Black character, and another queer character. Chile...

 ♡ Little Cato!!!

My precious have not been getting some good for too long, and I have had it. He’s not focused on so much this season as he is in the background of other people’s stories, but a very important takeaway is and will always be that Little Cato, aside from Fox, really was the only one here who consistently treated her like she mattered, so it made a lot of sense that he could be the catalyst for her finally having ENOUGH with these people.

I really wish that he could have found out the truth about his past from Avocato, because that’s really who OWED him that truth, but Ash did the thing that I’d expect and told him, to be honest with him. She even told him that Avocato wanted to tell him and that she took that right away from him, because she didn’t believe he deserved it, and I’m respecting her for that, too. I wish she could see how much it hurt Little Cato for her to try to take him away from his home. 

Little Cato has lived before, for a while, and he’s not mature enough to behave as a man, but he at least has a loving foundation to draw from, and having had that support, this is more of his home than it is Ash’s. He doesn’t know how to explain that to her, and she doesn’t know how to understand that for him. Just a tragic situation for two kids with a lot of problems.

♡ Quinn Ergon & Gary Goodspeed

Quinnary notes that might not be featured in the BFCD Reviews by Nesha:  (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) rundown - 

I've had two favorite parts of this season so far and they're very mediocre things that you wouldn't think would be like my favorite part but they are. One of them was that the first thing Gary does when she wakes up is to ask her about her sister (someone obviously very important to her who he's previously promised to allow to let live through Quinn's memory and says he wants to hear about her when he's trying to keep Quinn from dying). Because... He really did care and wasn't just saying something to keep her.

Quinn's mother fucked her up in a way that is so frustrating because Black mamas really will traumatize you about their younger kids. That shit hurt. You showed your daughter dead bodies to make her think about that in the event that your other daughter might be in battle? Bitch wtf

Whenever we say that Black girls are programmed to put everybody ahead of us, that's unfortunately not just including Society, it's in households too. And Quinn comes from this place where that is her reality... Then she meets Gary and he doesn't even register for her as anything special. He doesn't appear impressive or incredible in any way... But he (admittedly) weirdly locks on to her and shares himself - thinking that he's showing himself to her, and ultimately he DOES. And he wants to see her too, beyond all this, who she is, at her most humane. He wants to know about her sister. About someone who mattered to her enough to have the helm of her trauma when she was out of touch with reality. Very soft. Very sweet.

The other was when they were talking about how they met and stuff and Gary absolutely cringed thinking about how corny he was when he approached this woman. A lot of dudes never do that. The complaint of earlier seasons that Gary was overbearing, obsessive and creepy , if you missed the fact that he has terrible abandonment issues from his father’s death and his mother’s rejection, here we have him, in his adult state, looking back at the way he was and being embarrassed about it, and that’s growth!

A close third is whenever at the beginning of the Season he says "Quinn it's been a month eventually you have to open up to me about what you've been through" and she says "I will in time" and he respects it but he reiterates that he's there whenever she needs him. I don't think that people realize how revolutionary that kind of statement is especially for a character like Quinn to hear - who has always felt like she had to take charge, had to take the lead, had to make the sacrifice.

Even when she realized that she was dying, she didn't want to burden him with the information. Not even like ‘a thing that she knew if that could help prevent it and she didn't want him to have to go after it,’ but... she didn't even want him to have to deal with knowing about it!

Maybe she thought that she would just drop, maybe she didn't realize that he was going to have to see her in that condition. And then once she realized that he was going to have to see her in that condition one of the first things she says is "I should have told you." Girl is on her deathbed wishing she had done it differently, for Gary's benefit.

I saw somebody on Twitter tried to come for her about not going to Gary after he killed Fox (you know, shortly after her surgery to save her from the very brink of death, and listen... Quinn comes to see about Gary when she can. She’s done it several times. In fact, I’ma make a whole POST about Quinn and Gary moments SPECIFICALLY to point out to haters in the main tag - where they got Quinn Ergon, and by extension, me, FUCKED UP.

Stop Playing in Quinn Face

HI! HELLO. ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS SEASON IS THAT QUINN AND GARY JUST FUCKED. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANKS. OK. Back 2 bidness

See.. after Gary and Quinn got over the humps of Quinn’s Final Space poisoning... everyone got it... nobody told her until Avocato was mad and told her during a lash out, and let me say something about Avocato’s fucking audacity this season... 

♡ Avocato (Note: His name is A-V-O-C-A-T-O. Some of y’all be tryna stan and y’all can’t even spell his name.)

I done seent Avacata, Avocata... That’s not that dude name. Be writing whole ass expositions about some other Ventrexian n*gga. Hope this helps:

AVOCATO. Listen, boy. YOU decided to be a traitor to your people and your king and queen. YOU decided to dedicate your cause to the Lord Commander and lied to your son his entire life about killing his parents, raising him, and never talking to him about it.

Yet and STILL - whenever you had the chance to finally tell him, you ain’t do the shit. Lord Commander gave you the perfect ass opportunity - WHEN IT CAME UP, and even then, with that boy looking you dead in the face and being glad that now he knows everything... you ain’t Ventrexian man up.

Then, whenever you were supposed to be checking on Gary after his traumatic murder fight with Fox and Invictus, you turned it around and literally made it about you. attacking him in the process and only after a physical fight did you apologize. (And y’all still didn’t get back to what had happened to Gary, which was no real fault of his own). 

Fast forward to after you willingly agreed to stay behind and fight and y’all lost. Now, it was Quinn’s turn to be the center of your blame and you lashed out at her because everybody is dying, despite the fact that y’all agreed to stay behind and fight, nobody even told her that y’all were sick, AND you still wasn’t 100 with Little Cato. 

You just had a lot of mothafuckin audacity this season, Avocato, and I personally was not here for the shit. Even when Ash blasted yo ass, your main thought was to threaten to kill her if she took Little Cato, instead of assuring her that despite what you’ve done, Little Cato was safe with you. No, she wouldn’t have listened to you. But, the words you chose tell us about who you are and how you are. You a war mongering killer that don’t ever take responsibility for his shit, and even in those brief moments that you do, its always somebody else’s problem. 

I’da thunk that LC getting snatched away would be humbling for you, but I guess you were chosen by the writers for minimal growth. Bye, Avocato. Witcha bitch ass. We is not cool right now, but you do you. Hope you find some growth up there in ya ass, where ya head been. 😁 Can’t believe I mourned yo ass. You coulda stayed dead as hell.

FINALE NOTES:

OK BITCH OK THIS FINALE WAS HYPE!

Let me pull it up so that I can liveblog it for the shit that I need to conclude this journey. 

We start out after Ash done took Little Cato and burnt off. Gary and AVOCATO done said they finna go get they son. Chile, I cannot handle Biskit voice. I like that lil’ dude but ya voice, Mane. I can’t with it. 

OK OK OK... Whenever Quinn comes up to Gary to talk to him and say potential goodbyes, she look like she wanna say some and that makes me think about whenever she looked like she wanted to say something in season 1 and didn’t. Quinn as grown a lot in her feelings for Gary, but she still has that hard time with talking about her feelings, but I love that you can see them in her face.

Chile... these folk was kinda taking they time gettin started, huh? Knuckas, do y’all remember that everybody finna die of FS poisoning? Lol. Also... why didn’t they start hallucinating and shit? I guess its not until it covers ya face? 

NIGHTFALL. 😥 I love you, Sis. I miss you. But, “Because I’m you and WE think of everything...” YES. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT! EVERYBODY EXPECTS QUINN TO THINK OF EVERYTHING AND WHENEVER THEY DON’T THINK OF THE THINGS, SHE GETS BLAMED FOR MAKING THE TOUGH DECISIONS THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD EVEN MAKE. Underappreciated, really. And people still mark Nightfall as a villain, despite the fact that she not only sacrificed herself, but also came specifically to help another Gary. Sidenote - Nightfall didn’t actually pursuit Quinn’s Gary until Quinn was trapped in Final Space and she thought she got a signal from him. So, I’m still salty AF that she been labelled as a villain just because people don’t like her, when her actions have all been to try to help. Here is no difference. She thought of the things that she didn’t think a younger version of her would think of, and left it for Quinn to find. Nightfall be on RNS, and most of y’all didn’t deserve her.

Quinn’s identity crisis is so sad, but I liked that Nightfall EVEN thought about that. And Sheryl... you kinda starting to grow on me. I hate to give shitty mothers who find compassion in old chance a try, but she do seem to really be giving it a go. 

Ash is so fucked up that she rushes right into the devil’s arms. This reminds me of when trafficking victims go back to their abusers because they don’t have the resources to adjust in the system. 😪 She REALLY believes what she’s saying. She really feels like Little Cato is safer with Invictus with the Team Squad. That’s sad as fuck, bruh. 

THE. ACTING. AND. ARTWORK. IN. THIS. CONFRONTATION. SCENE.

Avocato... I’m proud of you for FINALLY taking responsibility ad opening up about it. Little Cato’s reaction is precisely how kids in the system are, as well. They wanna be at home with their parents, no matter who their parents are or what they’ve done. and Avocato meant what he said and did what I referred to earlier as “Ventraxian man up.”

“I’m sorry we failed you,” from Gary was so important. Because, they technically did fail her. Had Ash seen the same amount of love from Gary as she’s seen him give to others, she might have been more receptive to the truth and less susceptible to lies. But, as she had just said earlier, it was too late for kind words. She’s currently beyond accepting them from him. For a brief moment, it breaks through, but without that ability to know love from an adult properly, she can’t accept that apology right now.

H.U.E. with his big robot, Lord Commander...EYE. There’s so much happening right now bitch processing has left the room girl. Biskit did so damn much this episode. And it was good to see everybody on the team have a moment to help things, instead of like one person having to handle the bulk of things. 

Quinn’s begging voice... its such a contrast from whenever she sent out the SOS in season 1 and was afraid and angry. Like... the desperation here shows her softness. 

Ash’s RAGE Bitch...

Gary’s “I love you...” She looked so happy! And then she just sat with it. I feel like she definitely loves him too, but she doesn’t communicate that way. But, her FACE. She was just... did she think that he didn’t before, or was she just speechless because she didn’t expect to hear it? Because, we gotta be real... Sis probably has not ever heard those words from anybody before. And that first time, when it’s really there is a DOOZIE. She had an abusive mother, a seemingly jealous or competitive sister, and we saw how nobody in the Infinity Guard respected her ass when she was serving them the real. I think this is the first time she’s been in love or felt it and when Gary said it, she had to collect herself. The way she ran to him and jumped into his arms??? SHIPPING CRACK. And Mooncake was a part of their hug too. I have a lot of feelings about this dynamic since Quinn and Mooncake are the only characters that we’ve seen Gary have these “love at first sight” reactions to and Mooncake is the first character that I recall Quinn being nice to in S1. 

So.. my heart was very full when they ripped it from my chest moments later. Mooncake has been watching Team Squad members be self sacrificing for a little while now, and he loves his family and Gary so much that he rushes straight towards danger. (Sure, I don’t think that he estimated how powerful Ash could be at this moment), but he had to at least consider that he might be caught or left behind.

Bitch, Ash is GONE. She said, “Fuck all y’all!” Not knowing whether or not Mooncake is destroyed makes it very hard for me to know how much I can stand this, but I also want to hope that he is gonna survive. Quinn having to make the decision to lightfold is hella sad, but even though Gary is destroyed, he has to know that this is exactly how Ash must’ve felt whenever he had to make the call to leave Fox behind. She hated to do that to Gary. She even seemed more regretful about it than Gary did whenever he had to leave Fox and when he left Ash. Sure, its because she loves him more than he loved Fox and Ash, but its a terrible position to be in to have to hurt somebody you love like that. On the other hand, they gave her hella shit for them not escaping when could have the first time, so naturally, she was going to make this decision. 

It very much sucks that Invictus is free and my brain can’t eeem FATHOM what that means for everything and everybody, but the Final Space poisoning left the Team Squad’s system, so maybe there is a rejuvenation of some sort in Invictus’ power? Or does Final Space poisoning leave your system as soon as you leave Final Space? I don’t think that was clarified. 

Anyways, I still don’t hate Ash. Y’all can say whatever about it, but I see sad white boys get forgiven all day every day on this site, and I’m upset, but I’m not letting my baby go. I’m not cheering her on, but unless she dies, I’m gonna hope for the best for her, like I said here. 

DAMN this season was some shit. Ionknow if I’m emotionally capable of watching another season of Final Space in progress. If they make it back for another season, I will most likely just wait until the end to dive in and let them shock my senses all at once instead of on a weekly goddamn basis, because GODDAMN GODDAMN GODDDAMN!

@andromidagalaxie @daintyurbanprincess @shslargue @space-finally​  The Quinnary Moments Masterlist probably won’t be ready by Quinn’s birthday, since her birthday is the day before Juneteenth, but I’ve started on a little fic that I might have the first installment of posted by then. We shall see. 

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Here is my JOURNEY during my first watch of the first two seasons of the show. (I watched Season 3 in progress and waited until it was over to write up this review) and my probably incoherent tag of whenever I do me a lil’ liveblogging: Nesha Watches Final Space, and here is my review on Quinnary: BFCD Reviews by Nesha: (Quinn Ergon/Nightfall x Gary Goodspeed) FINAL SPACE

[deansmom]

(ao3) pls accept this very old mcdanno fic I never published, in which there are feelings and a kiss. also, soup snakes.

"So, Steven."

Steve smirks a little bit, leaning back against his desk like the smug asshole he is. This conversation has been a train wreck from the start. 

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Danny raises his voice for dramatic effect to accompany the accusing look he's shooting at Steve. "You and me."

"Have you ever considered that maybe I'm interrupting you because you talk in incomplete sentences when you're nervous?"

Danny glares at him and flails his hands around unhelpfully, "See, this! This is what I'm talking about!"

Steve rolls his eyes, "You weren't talking about anything Danny. We were tailing a suspect and you said, out of the blue, 'do you know what a soup snake is' and here we are.”

"This -" Danny shakes his head and runs a hand over his face, "You know, if you ever let me finish a sentence I wouldn't have to bring things up like that."

Steve grins as he watches Danny start ramping up to a full-blown rant-down (the Williams version of a meltdown). He gets up after a moment and sets a hand on the other mans shoulder, his smile a little kinder. "Hey. I'm listening."

Danny looks up at him and deflates. He brings both of his hands up to his face and groans, "Okay. Okay, so..."

He walks a few steps away from Steve and collects himself before saying, "So Gracie is reading this book, right? And it's been so long since she was excited about a book so I said sure, I'll read it with her, cause y'know, that's what you do, you read books you don't care about just to spend time with your daughter before she starts to hate you."

"Danny," Steve sighs and rests against his desk again, "Gracie could never -"

"Shut up," Danny interrupts with a flail. He's yelling with his hands. "Shut up or I'm never gonna get through this okay?"

Steve stays silent as way of answer. 

It takes another few seconds before Danny says, "So this book. Some actress wrote it and she was on that show The Office."

Danny turns to look out at the rest of the squad room and runs a hand through his hair, "She's got this friend and he's - he's her ex. Best friends though, like, the kinda thing you hope for growing up.

"And Mindy - that's the actress - everybody wants to know why they're not together. So she's got this chapter in this book and she says y'know, it's weird, their relationship, but they're soup snakes."

Steve has to bite his tongue. 

"And - Gracie, you know, she turns to me and she says, 'That sounds like you and Uncle Steve, Danno.'"

On instinct, Steve's body tenses up and he's got to remind himself to breathe. 

"So I'm thinking you know, she's just a kid, she doesn't know things. She's smart but she doesn't, you know - she doesn't know this."

Danny lets his head fall forward so it's resting as close to his chest as it can. "Do you know what soup snakes are, Steven?"

He has to take a moment to get his voice to work before he responds, "Uh... No, afraid I don't."

Danny spins around suddenly, and gestures around, "It's from an episode apparently. The main guy, his ex comes to town and he spends the whole episode trying to explain why he doesn't have feelings for her when he clearly does and he doesn’t want to be friends with her and - it's jibberish. Makes a toddler look like a genius."

He takes a few steps closer to Steve, apparently more determined now, "And he makes this list. The number one reason on it is because they're soup snakes."

Danny pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and pretends his hands aren't shaking. It's harder to pretend his voice isn't shaking though when he starts reading it. 

"I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The ... and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates."

Steve's heart is pounding in a way that it hasn't since he went through basic training and he's suddenly sweating bullets. "That's, ah..." He licks his lips and tries again, "That's a nice story, Danny."

Danny seems to ignore him, keeping his eyes on the paper, “So, there I am, sitting in my living room with my daughter, my lovely, amazing girlfriend in the kitchen and...” 

He looks up at Steve finally and he looks terrified - like walking into a tunnel terrified.

“And see I’m - I’m having a crisis. Because this?” He gestures in between the two of them, “This wasn’t - it’s not -” 

“Yeah,” Steve croaks out, his voice rough for a number of reasons. 

Danny opens his mouth uselessly, the words on the tip of his tongue and refusing to come out.

Steve takes a step closer, well within his personal space now and swallows nervously, “It doesn’t have to be. I mean, if you...” He lets out a breath, ignoring his stuttering heart, “If you don’t -” 

He’s not an idiot. Despite what Danny likes to think, he’s not a ‘neanderthal.’ He’s got feelings, lots of them, and he knows what they all mean.

He knows that he’s been in love with Danny since the day they met. 

“But it is!” Danny yelps, his hands coming up to rest on the back of his head, “It already is Steven, it doesn’t matter if I -”

Steve sets a hand on his shoulder, effectively shutting him up. It doesn’t matter, not really, because the only thing he can hear is the sound of his heart racing in his ears. 

“Did you break up with her?” He asks, terrified of the answer. 

Danny makes a face that clearly communicates how dumb he thinks Steve is, “What, are you insane? What kind of person do you think I am, huh?? Realize I’m in love with my best friend and keep dating a perfectly nice -”

And, well, that’s enough.

Steve leans down, slamming their lips together in both an effort to shut him the hell up and finally, finally find out what kissing Danny feels like.

Danny groans into it, his hands coming up to fist Steve’s shirt. 

They’ve always been a bit of a disaster together, two halves of different puzzles that shouldn’t fit, but they do, they fit so well, and kissing is no exception.

There’s a literal push and pull and before Steve realizes what’s happening, he gets pushed back into his chair. Danny’s standing there looking absolutely wrecked, the toes of their shoes knocking against each other, and Steve has never seen anything more beautiful.

“You,” Danny huffs, trying to catch his breath, and points at Steve’s chest. “Are an asshole.”

Steve squawks, his hands coming up to grab Danny’s thighs, “Me?!”

Danny glares at him, but still moves so that he’s partially on Steve’s lap. 

Something fizzles out in Steve’s brain with all this physical contact and he’s expecting something, something like a kiss or frotting or - something. 

Instead, Danny pinches the sensitive part of his upper arm, hard, and Steve yelps. 

“Do not interrupt me when I’m talking to you,” he hisses. 

“Talking at me is more like it,” Steve mumbles, unable to take his eyes off of Danny. They’re so close, they’re so fucking close, and he’s got years of pent-up frustration and theories he wants to explore. 

There’s a bead of sweat rolling its way down Danny’s throat and Steve just watches it go, wonders how angry Danny would be if he leaned up and licked it right now. Probably really angry, he seems like he’s really pissed, and Steve’s not sure why. 

Then again, he usually isn’t totally sure why Danny’s mad at him. 

Danny’s hand grabs his chin, forcing Steve to look back up at him, “Steven.”

Steve licks his lips, his mouth feeling suddenly very dry, “Yeah?”

“We are at work,” he reminds him, his tone going a little softer. 

He sounds, for lack of a better word, wrecked. He sounds like Steve feels, which is a little raw and a little off balance and - 

Steve groans, his head falling forward and landing on Danny’s clavicle. Stupidly, some part of his lizard brain can only think about how good he smells. 

“Yeah,” he sighs, his eyes closing. “Yeah, okay.” 

Danny presses a kiss to his temple, softer than anything Steve thinks he deserves, and finally pulls away from him. Steve makes a noise of complaint at the loss of contact and it feels like his chest is going to explode with the quiet laugh from Danny it earns him. 

God, he really loves him. 

He watches as Danny fixes his hair, fixes his shirt, tries not to look like his whole world has been rocked in the last ten minutes. 

Steve doesn’t even try to pretend he isn’t doing exactly what he’s doing. 

Danny catches his eye after a moment and grins, walking around to the front of the desk. 

This is the part of Danny that Steve’s always had to experience from the outside looking in, and now, he’s the center of that look and. Wow. 

“Hey Danny,” he hears himself choke out right as Danny’s about to walk out of the office.

Danny turns around, the door half open, and somehow the bastard looks like he always does, like this is all normal. “Yeah?”

It takes his brain a little bit longer than normal to figure out what it was he was going to say, and when it does he wants to laugh.

“I’m gonna need that report before we leave tonight.”

Danny’s face does that thing where it scrunches up like Steve’s being the most unreasonable dictator in the world and he starts yelling (’I don’t yell at you Steven, I explain loudly’).

Because he’s an idiot, and he’s hopelessly in love with his partner, Steve just grins.

Yeah, he thinks to himself. Yeah, this could work.