#i am disabled before you say anything apparently i got to say that!

[mall0rry]

sorry, i got my crippling fear of abandonment and my intensive jealousy from my mom haha

[fizzie-frog]

You know, the Stolitz scene was a trainwreck as a whole (they usually are), but what honestly got me most was the way Blitz started pleading when he thought his livelihood was going to be taken away.

THIS IS NOT A STOLAS SLANDER POST. I'm coming from a place where I've seen Blitz being mostly, if not entirely blamed for their lack of communication most of the time.

Moving on...

People keep going like "Well if imps are so low in the hierarchy..." - Let's take a break to think. Blitz isn't rich, he's just getting by really. And how is he getting by?

By prostituting himself. To the upper class.

That's what it is, he's a certified whxre. Things may have evolved in the meantime, but that's how it started. Blitz got asked for the deal while being chased by a crazy lady and him, wanting to keep his business and livelihood, said yes, obviously.

Now Stolas was suddenly taking the book back with no apparent explanation (until they got to the crystal), so of course Blitz thought he was doomed. On a side note, why couldn't Stolas say "You won't need the book, I have an alternative" instead of the ominous "I'll need the book back, permanently. I have made up my mind." I would be scared out of my mind.

He teared up immediately and started pleading, you could already see what was going through his head. He won't have the means to support his business anymore, to pay his employees, to afford a home, he'll be homeless and have no means to take care of Loona. Everyone will leave him again and he will starve on the streets all alone.

He'd do anything to be able to live a life a bit better than miserable, of course he would.

And this brings me to Stolas's treatment of Blitz. I see that everything tends to fall on Blitz, and I'm not saying he has no fault (in fact I didn't even like him at the beginning of the series too much), but Stolas treated him like a peasant. Just the episode before Ozzie's he's called him his "impish little plaything" and asked for a reward for the rescue. He put out cigarettes on his horns, he ignored his "stop" most times, he addressed him in this little baby voice with babying diminutives. "Itty bitty" imp.

And I am sure Stolas is socially clueless. He was brought up alone and sheltered, taught to be a prince first and foremost.

Stolas probably saw this as playful banter, as something that is inoffensive, silly. It was only in the Ozzie's episode that he finally saw that actually, his silly play served to make Blitz feel smaller.

And of course in this scenario, Blitz would see this coming out of the nether. He reacted quite badly, but why would this prince be actually in love with him? As he said, he needed to have a minute (or several) to think about everything. They needed to talk this out, and Blitz was about to apologize when Stolas cast him out.

They were both emotionally charged. They fucked up. But I can see Blitz's side. And the power imbalance is so evident, that hierarchy that everyone keeps saying is irrelevant - in a moment's notice, he could have his life swept from underneath him. Just like he thought it happened in that split moment; it worried him so much that he cried and pleaded (and that's not in Blitz's character to do).

And then he was so scared of not being enough too, ugh, his little "I can always do better!". He's so used to everyone just seeing him as a lost cause, better to be discarded. With this amalgamation of things, no wonder he can't believe Stolas would have feelings for him.

So uh, I don't know what the conclusion to this is. Normalize getting imps some actual comfort? So far the only really privileged imp in Helluva Boss is Fizz after getting rid of Mammon. And when I say priviledged, I'm referring to wealth and upper class, not taking into account personal issues such as disability and so forth.

Anyway, this was my two cents on Stolitz. I honestly haven't thought too much on them, I'm riding on the Fizzarolli high. I'm chill over here in my Fizzmodeus bubble, but doesn't mean I have no thoughts on Stolitz.

[maidflowery]

Good Morning, Have a Nice Day

Aventurine x Reader

You told your boyfriend, Aventurine, to wake you up early the next morning. But little did you know...

"-up. Wake up, Sunshine."

In your slumber, you faintly heard a voice. The tone was cheerful, almost rivaling the birds chirping outside the window.

"Mm..."

Is it morning already...?

"Oh, the Sleeping Beauty finally wakes up. Hey, don't go back to sleep."

The voice spoke, as laid-back as ever, as if trying to lull you back to sleep.

But... Why didn't I hear any alarm...?

"If you don't wake up by the count of three, I'll kiss you. One... Two..."

"What time is-GAH!!"

When you opened your eyes, Aventurine's dashing face was hovering a few inches away from you. It was apparent that he'd been watching you the whole time.

Close! Too close!

"Your response to your boyfriend's gentle wake up call is to scream to his face...?"

He sulked, but not for long. Soon, he was smiling from ear to ear again. Was the sight of you waking up that fantastical?

"Good morning~ if you sleep again, the counter will pick up from where it left off."

"...More importantly, what time is it right now?"

Seeing how bright the sun was shining outside the window only gave you bad feelings.

Pretty sure you'd asked him to wake you up at 6 AM. You even set an alarm at 5 AM. After all, your class started at 8 AM.

Aventurine looked slightly dejected for a moment, before answering.

"7.30 AM, why?" he asked as if it was someone else's business.

"7.30 AM!? But... Didn't I... Tell you to wake me up at..." You were so shocked that you could only stutter.

"Well, yes, and I promised to wake you up as early as I could." Aventurine innocently shrugged his shoulders.

As early... As he could?

Somehow, you felt there was a huge emphasis right there. The two of you stared at each other, one dumbfounded, one smiling nonchalantly.

Ah!!! Right!!!

He sucks at getting up early!!!

Actually, both of you were.

If this was a movie, then it was probably the moment when the main character shouted, 'I shouldn't have trusted him!'

Thus, you bolted out of the room and began preparing at the highest speed known to man.

"Aventurine!!"

A few minutes later, you dashed straight toward his room again. By that time, you had showered and dressed for college.

But the moment you stepped in, your jaw almost dropped to the floor.

Aventurine stood there with only a white towel draped over his waist. He'd clearly just stepped out of the shower, as his body glowed with a wet sheen.

Glittering droplets of water clung to his chiseled abs, some trickling down even further below. It took you everything not to follow them with your eyes.

Aventurine, who was drying his hair, finally turned at you.

"What's the matter? It's nothing you haven't seen before."

He cocked an eyebrow at you, a playful and tantalizing grin tugging at his lips.

"Aventurine... Why... What are you doing naked!?" you couldn't help but blurt out.

"Says the one who barged in without knocking. Anyway, need anything?"

Saying that, Aventurine approached you, his broad chest filling your field of vision.

Trying to block the view, you shoved your phone to him.

"I'm here to talk about this! Why did you turn off my alarm!? No wonder it didn't ring!"

"Ah, that... But weren't you tired last night? I just thought of letting you sleep a bit longer. How are you feeling now? Did you rest well?"

Aventurine stared at your phone, not trying to deny or affirm it.

Based on his words alone, he sounded like a caring, attentive boyfriend who was just looking out for his girlfriend.

Except you didn't buy it, because of two glaring contradictions.

"Whose fault is it that I barely got any sleep last night!? Also, if that's the case, you must've either disabled it right after I fell asleep, or woke up way earlier!"

"But in the end, I still woke you up, right?" Aventurine gave you an 'all's well that ends well's' smile.

"What do you mean 'in the end'? Were you planning to not wake me up?"

"In the end, I still did, right?"

"..."

He totally planned to!!

Seriously, why is he acting like this!?

In truth, you knew why. You also knew that underneath his nonchalant and flippant attitude, he was sulking.

As you stood there, fuming, Aventurine asked you, putting the towel around his neck.

"Won't you be staying for breakfast?"

"No. Thanks to someone, I have to skip it."

Despite the hint of wistfulness in his tone, you bluntly turned him down, averting your gaze.

"Then, will you be having lunch with your team leader instead? Say hi to him for me."

Hearing that, you raised your head and shot back.

"We've spoken about this! It's just an obligatory meeting to discuss the assignment progress!"

"One that you set a bunch of alarms and even skipped breakfast for. Totally not important indeed."

... It was because you'd ditched one too many of such meetings, missing the next one would totally get you axed. In your defense, that team leader was a prick.

Of course, there was no way you could admit that you often skip group activities to your boyfriend. Or that karma was finally biting you in the ass. That'd be super lame.

We are getting nowhere fast, and I'm running out of time.

"...A-anyway, I'll get going."

You awkwardly turned around, still trying to maintain a tough front.

"Hey, you forget something."

You turned around. "What is—"

His lips sealed yours, and you were unable to finish your words.

"!!"

Aventurine ferociously devoured your lips, leaving no inch untouched, as if imprinting himself. He nibbled on your upper lips, before gnawing on the lower ones. He allowed you a brief moment of respite to reclaim your breath, before resuming his onslaught from a different angle.

The delicate string that was holding your rationality together was about to snap. You were basically holding onto him at this point.

He stroked your tingly lips with the tip of his tongue, gently parting them. Then, his tongue slid in, coiling around your own.

Just as you thought of surrendering completely to this mind-blowing kiss, he stopped.

"...Aren't you going to be late? Whoops."

Aventurine caught you as you toppled forward, burying you in his chest. Immediately, the refreshing, masculine fragrance of his cologne filled your nose.

Embarrassingly, your legs had turned into jelly.

"Oh no. Can you stand? Should we call in sick?"

Within his arms, you could hear him suggest that a tad too happily.

"...No thanks. I'm still going."

You somehow managed to squeeze out those words despite the supple tenderness around you.

"What a shame. Even though your dear boyfriend is home at last."

He spoke in a deflated tone that you could tell was genuine.

Aventurine was a busy man. His business trip would sometimes last for more than a month. Today, he finally had a day off.

All you could do was stare at him as he wiped a trace of saliva from his lips, smiling provocatively at you

"Oh, well. We can always save it for later. If it gets too unbearable, you can always come back to me. Have a nice day."

The kiss that ended as abruptly as it started was his way of giving you something to think about.

As underhanded as always...

You wanted to wipe that smug look off his face!

You grabbed the towel around his neck, pulling him toward you. Briefly, you saw his eyes widen as he was caught off-guard.

"Mmh-!"

Then, you gave Aventurine the taste of his own medicine, but with your own finishing touch.

After the kiss had ended, Aventurine, seemingly taken aback, reached for his lower lip. A red mark had blossomed on his lip, turning it a deeper shade of crimson.

"...I told you, I'll sneak off in the middle, so please wait for me." You said.

Still tracing his lip, Aventurine stared straight at you, his violet-cyan eyes burning from within.

"...Alright. I'll be patient. But I won't wait for too long."

Extra

...Aventurine's patience lasted only until lunch break.

Read more stories

[dangermousie]

Hey dangermousie some time when you're feeling up for an ask: what are your favorite webnovels? Like danmei, bg, general fiction, anything. You've shared so many intetesting sounding novels in other posts so I was curious what some of the top favorites are? I remember Sha Po Lang, Ever Night, and The Dreamer in the Spring Boudoir (which I'm reading because of you ToT)

I love this ask! I am gonna limit myself to 35 novels or we will be here all night. The usual caveat is - this is very personal. You will see that out of 35 (well, 36) novels, there is only one modern, there is a lot of angst and things like noncon and unhealthy relationships don't bother me. But I dislike harem infights and protags who are too OP.

35 I Became the Older Brother of the Heroine in an Abusive Novel by Liu Gou Hua (danmei) - a lovely novel where one half of otp is healthy and wholesome and the other abused feral wreck who melts under sanity and care.

34 After the Disabled God of War Became My Concubine by Liu Gou Hua (danmei) - our MC is a modern person who transmigrates into a historical bad guy who apparently married a captured and crippled general who eventually healed, escaped and committed a lot of murder to avenge his humiliation. Poor historian MC transmigrates right before the wedding and is desperate to avoid the fate of having his head hang on the city gates for three years in the near future. Good luck! This has such a wholesome (yet not boring) OTP. Proof that healthy doesn't have to be dull.

33 You've Got Mail by He Dan Bai (danmei) - the sex in this one is gonzo and biologically questionable but the love story is wistful and sweet and somehow both hilarious and involving two rather damaged people.

32 The Blue Whisper by Jiu Lu Fei Xiang (het) - the novel is a bona fide angst masterpiece, which really delves into what it feels like to be imprisoned or to love and what makes you you. I sniffled throughout.

31 The Paranoid Emperor’s Black Moonlight Shizun by Chen Sensen (danmei) - a really screwed up disciple and a really decent master have some insane entanglements. To say more would be to spoil but if you want some intensity, angst, groveling and utter codependency and did I mention ANGST? this one is for you!

30 Demon King's Repayment by Gong Xinwen (het) - another delicious Gong Xinwen tale with a powerful ML dedicated to capable FL. This one is a great fantasy plot (I keep imagining it as an animated series) and a sprawling cast of amazing secondaries (and secondary OTPs - there is, I swear, an OTP that is Dong Hua x Feng Jiu done thru GXW lens) to boot.

29 Accompanying the Phoenix by Jiu Lu Fei Xiang (het) - the one that just got adapted into The Legend of Shen Li, this is high adventure and cottage core and funny and tragic and powerful ML being putty in the hands of capable FL and just EVERYTHING.

28 The Counterattack of the Cannon Fodder Chambermaid by Jia Mian De Sheng Yan (het) - I remember starting this and loving the realistic feel and the heroine and wanting to stab the hero. Yet the end I was on board with both the hero (who was abused and is rather autistic-coded) and the OTP. Anyway, heroine is a servant who was a concubine in the last life and got killed as part of a rich family’s harem intrigues. In this life, she just wants to keep her head down but her life gets derailed anyway. She gets sold away and eventually made a servant in the household of an exiled prince who takes a fancy to her and she endures it because what choice does she have? All she wanted was to serve out her term and become a small time merchant. This is quite realistic about lack of options for women, especially lower class women or upper class male attitudes (ML is never vicious or mean to FL but it does not initially occur to him to wonder if she fancies him or enjoys being his concubine or w/e.) It is a DELIGHTFUL slow burn tho as they grow to love each other and grow together and become one of the most wholesome cnovel couples out there.

27 The Black Moonlight Holds the BE Script by Teng Luo Wei Zhi (het) - so fucked up, so good, with monster hero who learns to love and be human and heroine who learns to love and be human (but from the other side, her tower of perfection), with a complex plot and no easy outs.

26 The Grand Princess by Mo Shu Bai (het) - a husband and wife who really drifted apart and ended up killing each other (or did they?) get a second chance as they are reborn as their younger selves. This has a great plot, a competent set of protags, and slow burn with complexity and trauma and somehow yet lightness. Plus awesome secondary OTPs!

25 Copper Coins by Mu Su Li (danmei) - a monk and a dragon? More likely than you may think. This is smart and wistful and made me cry; the romance doesn't kick in for the longest time and it doesn't even matter.

24 The Golden Terrace by Cang Wu Bin Bai (danmei) - two smart and principled (yes, they both have principles different though they may be) men navigate their arranged marriage, their past friendship and their past break up, become a super couple (one of the healthiest danmei couples I’ve ever read and proves healthy doesn’t have to be boring), save the country and bring down the emperor or two and just generally this is my rainy day book.

23 Long Wind Crossing (Destined) by Mo Shu Bai (het) - two functional lovely people fighting the world and growing up together and forming an amazing marriage.

22 Mistakenly Saving the Villain by Feng Yu Nie (danmei) - so underrated. A perfect h/c fantasy with the most functional MC and fucked up ML that never puts even a toe wrong with a premise that could go seriously bad so many different ways, instead telling a funny, moving story of love helping you heal.

21 I'll Be the Male Lead's Sister in Law by September Flowing Fire (het) - one of my all time favorite novels. Heroine is made to marry a disabled nephew of the emperor. He used to be a victorious god of war but went mad and now is basically locked away and kept as a beast. GOD I LOVE THIS NOVEL SO MUCHHHHH! So much hurt/comfort and awesome OTP and after he eventually recovers, all he wants to do is to fight and murder things and dote on wifey. MMM. He’s honestly one of my fave MLs.

20 The Rebirth of a Star General by Qian Sha Cha Ke (het) - not a typical QSCK at all, this one has a heroine who wakes up after being killed by her awful family; in her past life she was a general whose glory went to her cousin but here she chooses to start anew. Revenge is secondary to her - forming a new life and healing are really the focus. Also the OTP (FL and a male general with his own tragedy, and her former schoolmate) is just EVERYTHING!

19 Nan Chan by Tang Jiu Qing (danmei) - it reads like poetry crossed with a nightmare. One of the most unusual novels I've read and with the most alien set of protagonists I've ever read and believably so (a personification of a sword and a cannibalistic fish), I can't even describe this in any way other than a deity-centric paean to atheism.

18 The Rest of My Life by Mo Shu Bai (het) - the sole modern on this list, this is a novella about an aftermath of a regular office worker with a regular life and a regular husband being raped. It's a hard hard read but it's amazing.

17 To Rule In a Turbulent World by Fei Tian Ye Xiang (danmei) - gay Minglan is my elevator pitch. Well that or "what happens if you stick cottagecore and crucifixion in one novel."

It’s a BL novel but honestly, it’s a slice of life period novel with fascinating characters and setting that happens to have a gay OTP, not a romance in a period setting per se. It’s meticulously written and smart and deals with character development and somehow makes daily minutia fascinating (I never thought I’d find daily farming things interesting but here I am.) Farming, politics and the sudden horrors of war all intermingle perfectly.

Our protagonist, You Miao, is the son of a fabulously wealthy merchant, sent to the capital to make connections and study. As the story starts, he buys a sex slave on a whim from his friend (OK, wait wait wait don’t go, why are you bailing :P) Basically You Miao sees his friend’s servants beating someone to death, feels bad, and buys him because, as we discover gradually and organically, You Miao may be wealthy and occasionally immature but he is a genuinely good person. Let's back up - You Miao - our protag. He is the main reason I love the novel. It’s hard to write a character who is wealthy, kinda spoiled, sometimes immature and still make him eminently likeable. You Miao is also smart, pragmatic, funny, surprisingly laid back, a people person, and with a stubborn streak a mile wide. He is not perfect in any way but he is a real living breathing person I came to love.

Anyway, the ostensible sex slave he buys is a barbarian from beyond the wall, named Li Zhifeng. It’s touch and go if the man will survive but eventually he does and You Miao, who by then has to return home, gives him his papers and lets him go (not before they have some pretty explicit sex because hey - You Miao is all ‘why not, might be fun to try’ and LZF is “dude saved my life, why not.’ One of the things I love about the story is that there is no instalove - both sex and love make sense in the way and the order they happen; the two bang on a semi regular basis long before their feelings fully develop into love, which is pretty gradual and realistic.) However, LZF decides to stick with You Miao instead, both out of sense of debt for YM saving his life and because he genuinely likes him. One of the pleasures of the novel is watching LZF slowly transform from a piece of wood automaton into a genuine person who allows himself joy or temper.

So meticulously written, so smart, so vivid, such a cast of secondary characters (that friend who was beating LZF to death ended up being one of my favorite, most tragic characters in the novel because the author gets people are complex.)

16 The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System by MXTX (danmei) - a pastiche parody of web novels that somehow is both witty and makes me genuinely feel desperately for the protags. Go read!

15 Dandere General and His Lord by Gong Xinwen (het) - God, I love this one. Heroine transmigrates from modern world into a brutal slave-holding world at war (think something like Warring States era.) Our heroine transmigrates into the body of a noblewoman who just hung herself. When she comes to, she discovers that woman’s twin brother was the ruler of a city poisoned by a rival claimant and the besieging army of said claimant is about to take the city and original occupant of the body and the rest of the family chose suicide as a way to avoid dishonor. Our heroine refuses, schemes with advisors to pass as the brother and rally the troops. Once the invaders are defeated, she keeps on the masquerade and rides off to one of the never-ending wars “she” is summoned to. Our hero couldn’t be farther from this. A slave and a son of a slave, he’s escaped a horrific, starving childhood during which he narrowly avoided being murdered or raped, and ended up in the army. When the story opens, he distinguished himself in battle and as a reward, he and a few of his fellow slave warriors are invited to a banquet, where they are given some alcohol and to be playthings of any nobles who want them. One of them does not survive this but ML is lucky - heroine feels terrible and so “claims” him for herself. Instead she just tends to his wounds and sends him back. She does not fancy him or anything, she is just a human being with a conscience. And the story goes from there.

14 The Marquis Is Innocent by Peng Lai Ke (het) - this is the set up of very beautiful yet utterly cold-hearted woman marrying a ruthless, powerful man who eventually ends up on top of the murder pyramid. And a relationship that starts as a political arrangement with the husband not caring for her but then the ruthless scheming murder machine falls hard for her while FL actually does not, not yet. It takes a long time. This is such a glorious slow burn (I think by now you realized I love slow burns) and it takes her a very long time to open up or for him to realize that is what he wants (he's a very believable period man who finds it hard to admit he can actually have his happiness based on a woman) and there are steps forward and back and it's glorious, glorious!

13 Thousand Miles of Bright Moonlight by 罗青梅 (haven't seen it transliterated) (het) - one of my ultimate favorites, this would make such an epic drama! A smart as hell but cautious and wounded heroine, a hero who is a monk and a warrior but also terribly ill and such a vivid world and amazing secondary characters (heroine’s brother is possibly my favorite supporting character of all time) and so much angst and happy ending. Both the protags are such intense, good people longing for happiness but not daring for it. This has an amazing romance but it’s not romance-centric if it makes sense - ML doesn’t appear for a while. But once he does, it’s worth it!

12 Mountain and River Pillow by Mo Shu Bai (het) - a tender intense and tragic slowburn which shows the limits of knowing what will happen and the fight to reestablish the family with an amazing amazing OTP. Heroine transmigrated into her past self; this time she chooses to go through with her arranged marriage instead of running away for love (it ended badly) but her knowledge fails to prevent her new sweet husband and his whole family murdered in battle and framed for treason. All that is, except for her husband's youngest brother, barely adult and left with an almost impossible task. In the past life he managed but it hollowed him out. In this one he has a sister in law to assist so...Anyway, both the protags are smart, good, intense and amazing people and I love them separately and as an OTP. By far my favorite MSB novel.

11 Those Years In Quest of Honour Mine by Man Man He Qi Duo (danmei) - another really underrated gem, it’s funny and heart-breaking and made me laugh and sniffle within pages of each other. Its two protagonists are both walking wounded but also good people, and watching them find happiness despite all the horrors the world threw at them, watching them take care of each other is so lovely. Also, someone once described the ML as “Lan Wangji gone feral” and that is just A++++

10 The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation by MXTX (danmei) - we all know that one is there even any point describing it.

9 Nightfall/Ever Night by Mao Ni (not romance centric but het) - so long but also so smart and unusual and bloody and tho it’s not primarily a romance, you will never see another ML who loves his FL as much as Ning Que does his Sang Sang. And the worldbuilding and the plot and the characters and just so so bleak.

8 Wu Chang Jie by Shui Qian Cheng (danmei) - are you an emotional vampire? I am and this novel is a banquet. In a highly fantastical setting, we meet our protagonists - the sunny Xie Bian and the intense and surly Fan Wushe. Xie Bian is a human who assists his master in conveying souls to the underworld and making sure no mishaps happen. Bian is concentrated sunshine in human form and to meet him is to love him. When the novel opens, his drunk master brings back another human to be his shidi and assist with duties - said human is uncommunicative, intense and surly Wushe. Bian is excited to have a shidi but little does he know that a story dealing with the horrors of past lifetime is about to start.

Anyway, why WCJ? So many reasons. It has such a dark bleak worldview - this world is a horrifying system where powerful cannibalize each other’s cores for an impossible chance to ascend, where gods have sealed off their realm and all that’s left is neverending human misery and hell (the only way you’d see a deity is if they’d been sent down to suffer over and over and over), where even reincarnation doesn’t fix things and bad acts are often unpunished. And the novel then asks - is it worth being a good person in such a world? More, is it worth being a good person in such a world when nothing good has ever happened to you and you have been repeatedly betrayed due to your goodness? And the answer, on Bian’s part, is an uncompromising yes.

Ah yes, the other reason to love this novel - the protagonists and their fucked up fucked up relationship. Bian (who was Prince Ziheng in the past life) is so genuinely good. But he is that rare thing - good but not saintly, noble but not cloying. So much of the novel is his getting taken apart over and over and barely able to put himself back together every time but his soul is still as amazing as ever. And then there is Wushe (who was Prince Zixiao in past life, Ziheng’s not-bio-related brother.) Wushe is not a good person. He is a monster. And he loves Bian/Ziheng more than his life and his soul and the entire world but he’s also the one who hurt him more than anyone else ever could and did it over and over. His love survived a literal century of torture in the worst kind of hell and refused the usual memory loss of new life. But it also humiliated and broke Ziheng down to his constituent parts.

One of the things that is so fascinating to me about this novel is the question of what can be forgiven/what should be forgiven/what kind of expiation is enough/can you ever love someone who you loved so much and then he hurt you so badly and is now repentant? And it never sweeps trauma under the rug or hand waves it away but deals with it head on. If you want healthy relationships, you should stay far away from this novel but if intense insane ones with a feral barely human one capable of destroying the world leashed by love and guilt to the sane deeply good one is your bag, come right in. There is also the world building and the fact that yes, the big fall out between Ziheng x Zixiao is based on not knowing all the facts but it’s not “why can’t you talk?! This is dumb!” But is totally in keeping with both events and their characters. It’s reasonable for Ziheng to do what he does and for Zixiao to misunderstand and decide Ziheng is now his biggest enemy (but still one he’s fixated on) and for Ziheng to never be able to clarify. Anyway, once again this is trigger warning central so please heed those, but if they are no issue, this one is wonderful.

7 Stars of Chaos (Sha Po Lang) by Priest (danmei) - so smart and so much clever world building. There is enough politicking to satisfy a Qiang Jin Jiu fan, it’s steampunk, and our two protagonists - Gu Yun, the empire’s most powerful general, who’s loyal to the empire despite being badly wronged by it, and Chang Geng, a cursed prince with barbarian blood and horrifying childhood - are wonderful separately and together. This is a huge slow burn but it’s totally worth it! They fall in love with each other’s hearts and brains and ability as much as anything. (Yes, this is the one with the yifu thing. Gu Yun is made Chang Geng’s foster father when he rescues him and brings him back to the capital as a way to keep CG safe in imperial strife. They are 12 and 19 at the time so clearly it’s never a parental relationship.)

6 Heaven Official's Blessing by by MXTX (danmei) - I love it’s sprawling narrative and cast, I love its inventive setting and picaresque story. It’s hilarious and can make me cry. But the novel’s place on this list is due to Xie Lian who is part Kenshin part drama WWX part pure goodness wrapped in heartbreak and trauma wrapped in sunshine.

5 (tie) The Emperor’s Beloved Ugly Girl by 一味相思 (haven't seen it transliterated) (het)- Our heroine is the unlucky laundry maid A’Chou. She is a di daughter of an upperclass family but her family got destroyed in one of the political upheavals of the time and A’Chou, only a small child at the time, was the only survivor and was made an enslaved laundry maid. Due to various events, at the start of the novel she is a laundry maid in a minister’s household and the minister’s beloved daughter is having a fit because she’s supposed to marry the former Crown Prince which may have been great a few years back but Crown Prince had since been deposed, tortured, imprisoned and now is living in the middle of nowhere under conditions that are too meager to be called house arrest. And he’s seriously crippled too. Understandably, the young lady doesn’t want to marry him! She’d rather kill herself and so she does. And so, a desperate plan is hatched - why don’t we pretend the laundry maid is the di daughter of the minister’s household and send her off? And so A’Chu is sent as the bride. She arrives to discover a broke, seriously injured man on the verge of death…and we go from there. This is so gorgeous and tender and slow in just the right way and like AAAAAA! Secondary OTPs (one of which is MM) are also epic.

5 Wishing You Eternal Happiness by Peng Lai Ke (het) - this is almost tied with Dreamer as my favorite het web novel ever though it couldn’t be more different from Dreamer, with its hard-edged and hard-souled protagonists ruthlessly cleaving their way to the world and, eventually, each other, its smart cynical air. Except in one thing - the world of Wishing is just as bloody and dark. Its two protagonists are gentle, deeply wounded souls who may find salvation in each other but even something as basic as safety almost seems out of reach. Jliafu, our heroine, is neither a modern-day transmigrator, nor some exotic princess or demoness. She is very much a period woman of her time, from a weathy merchant clan, whose beauty is her curse. You can tell the novel’s tone from that utterly bleak opening chapter where she, a favorite concubine of a capricious dying emperor, is ordered to be buried alive with him and is not even given the “grace” of white silk but slowly suffocates in the coffin, scrabbling at the lid. There is no grand threats of vengeance on her part, not dramatic opera events. Just despair and death. The whole introductory chapter is haunted by emotional ghosts - the empress’ unrequited love for the monster on the imperial bed (turning into desire for Jiafu’s suffering after he dies), the emperor slowly dying in his prime after waging too many wars, and his fear of being haunted by Pei Youan, a brilliant if sickly minister who died of illness long ago on one of imperial campaigns. There is no triumph for anyone, only loss.

When she wakes up as still a young woman, all she wants is to escape the same fate. There are no plans for power or revenge, only a desire for survival. And so she latches on asking for help from Pei Youan, the only man in her past go-around who showed any consideration and desire and ability to protect her, though he barely knew her. Pei Youan is probably my favorite het web novel ML. Despite his brains and ability, he drifts through life. In modern terms, he clearly has depression. One of the biggest, best joys of the novel is watching these two very good, very quiet, very wounded people discover happiness and love with each other. I sort of want to cry just thinking about it, tbh.

4 Ballad of Sword and Wine (Qiang Jin Jiu) by Tang Jiu Qing (danmei) - a dense political tome that takes a while to get going but then it’s a runaway train. In a fictional dynasty, Shen Zechuan, the only remaining son of a disgraced aristocratic family and Xiao Chiye, the younger son of a family of generals guarding the border join forces (and then something else) to get power and pull down the dysfunctional system.

This is so elegant and smart (a rare web novel I’d recommend to anyone who just loves solid period fiction) and you probably need a notebook to keep track of the politics and military strategy. These characters are very very smart not just because the author says so.

As to the characters, there is a large cast and I love many of them, but for me the novel is made by Shen Zechuan and Xiao Chiye. SZC is gorgeous and delicate and icy and can kill you before you have time to blink. Saddled with the sins of the family he had no pleasant interaction with, he claws his way out of hell (seeing the sinkhole he was trapped in, literally as well) to take down those who wronged him but also to amass power so all the tragedy and corruption won’t happen again and the whole rotten system comes crashing down. XCY is a military genius who is trapped as a hostage in the capital because the court doesn’t trust his family. He longs to return to the plains of home and to take his rightful place. The two men start out as bitter enemies, then reluctant and sniping allies, then as friends and eventually as one of the most gorgeous, tender, swoony OTPs. Anyway this is one is a bona fide masterpiece, equal parts smart and emotionally intense.

3 Dreamer In the Spring Boudoir by Bai Lu Cheng Shuang (het) - my n1 het novel on this list, smart and fierce and don’t really read this for romance because it does not start until really late, but ice cold heroine x ice cold hero both of equal brains and ruthlessness is everything. I went from loathing the ML to finding him fascinating to adoring him (and yet he softened around the edges only for FL, he never became “nice”) and loved FL throughout; secondaries are epic. If you read only one non-danmei web novel, make it this one.

2 Stains of Filth (Yuwu) by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat (danmei) - another novel by the author of 2ha. Clearly she just pushes all my buttons every time. This one is much shorter and has a plot that is twisty but less twisty than 2ha. Still, all that means is that intensity and the pain are more concentrated. Aristocratic Mo Xi and former slave Gu Mang were both legendary generals of the empire and lovers. But Gu Mang betrayed the country and switched to the enemy. Now he is back as a peace offering by that country and Mo Xi has to deal with the fact that his feelings are as strong as ever.

This novel!!! So much pain and intensity!!! So many amazing plot twists and supporting characters. The same bleak world view, the same unjust society, the same protagonists doing right things despite the cost. Mo Xi’s intensity and inability to let go (he’s imprinted on Gu Mang and that’s it) is romantic, bone-shakingly intense, and tragic all at once. And oh Gu Mang! So many times I just wanted to reach into the book physically to protect him. The novel deals with unjust societies, memory versus personality, what it’s like to be good in a bad universe etc. And it both made me sob and giggle, repeatedly, and sold me on literally death-defying (but not honor-defying!) love. Oh, and special shout out to the fact that like 2ha, you may start out hating some characters and end up a rabid fangirl (cough Murong Lian!)

1 The Husky and His White Cat Shizun (2ha) by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat (danmei) -my n1 forever and ever.

Taxian Jun, the horrific cultivation emperor of the world who razed cities and destroyed sects, is surrounded on his mountain. The righteous sects are terrified to confront him but tired of living, Taxian Jun consumes poison and dies by suicide at the age of 32. And opens his eyes as 16 year old Mo Ran, Mo Ran long before he became Taxian Jun, Mo Ran who is excited at a chance to save the one person he loved and lost. Oh, and to deal with his loathed shizun, the unapproachable and strict Chu Wanning, his past life’s biggest enemy.

I have no idea if it’s objectively the best on this list but it hits every trope I love, its bleak worldview (the world will change only incrementally but that’s enough, average person will not appreciate the sacrifice but it’s still worthwhile, and love is worth everything) mirrors mine, and the sheer complexity of the plot and cascade of plot twists each of which is insane and yet completely logical, is amazing (this is a rare novel where it’s even more fun to reread than read for the first time because you keep seeing all the hints and trail crumbs laid out that you did not see the first time.)

And the characters!!! I mean, this novel has multiple universes/timelines, a side trip to the Underworld AND the demon realm, a plot more twisted than a store’s worth of pretzels and yet the thing that hits me the most are the characters. Mo Ran is my favorite web novel character of all time and I love Chu Wanning so. All the secondary characters are wonderfully written (and some of them made me bawl) and they are all complex. My opinion of all of them changed many times over; the novel doesn’t make it easy to love some of them but then you do and it’s so worthwhile! That slow change is one of the delights of the novel - I started out disliking the unpleasant, superior Chu Wanning and cruel, callow Mo Ran and then I loved them so so hard and cried for them so so hard and was in awe of their heroism and sacrifice and selflessness and capacity to love.

Oh, and the fact that this novel does something almost impossible - it has its protagonist start out as so clearly irredeemable and then slowly and painfully and thoroughly redeems him (without ever letting the reader forget what it is he needs redemption for.) Also, for a novel that made me cry so hard I felt ill, this book is just so damn funny with the most sarcastic sense of humor imaginable (the serious angst doesn’t even kick in until 90+ chapters!) Anyway I should stop or I will write a dissertation. But this is the one web novel that I would put in my top 5 not just web novels but any novels in any shape or form. The plentiful trigger warnings are there for a reason so stay away if they are an issue, but if not, if anyone hasn’t read it yet, what are you doing with your life?!

[redhoodinternaldialectical]

Yet again I am away from my computer and nonetheless compelled to write jaytim as though my life depended upon it

This is a snippet that will... probably(?) go in Chained at some point so spoiler warning for below the cut, but it should be funny enough on its own for folks who aren't interested in that to enjoy it too 👍

Dick carefully punches in the codes to disable Tim's second story window alarms and comes in out of the late December chill. He's not being particularly stealthy, since all he's here to do is drop off a small present before Christmas - but then he hears Tim and someone who sounds suspiciously like exiled-from-Gotham-and-totally-disappeared-off-face-of-Earth Jason, and decides to switch to maximum stealth instead.

They're standing around in Tim's kitchen (which actually looks well used for once) sharing coffee. Jason's striped down to nothing but boxers and Tim is draped in an oversized shirt that leaves it a mystery as to weather or not he's got anything covering his ass. Something about the way Tim is looking at Jason's chest makes him uncomfortable.

He's expecting Jason to be uncomfortable with it too and snap at him for staring at his scars - instead when Jason notices Tim's gaze, he smiles smugly and makes his pecs bounce.

Dick silently recoils in shock, while Tim blushes a bright red and thwaps Jason with a hand towel.

"You're supposed to say 'my eyes are up here'!"

"Hey, normally I would, but we both know that these..." He gestures lasciviously to his chest. "Are the only things keeping your eyes from wandering down here." He gestures the same way down to his boxers which are actually tented when he holds them at this angle and- holy fucking shit why is he wearing a strap-on?!?

That- that is way too fucking big and hard to be a packer why is he... With Tim... Both half naked... Flirting over coffee... Strapped...

Dick rapidly begins spiraling towards something like a mental breakdown, because not only is his little brother who's freshly murdered someone (AGAIN!!) being harbored by his other little brother who he loves to absolute death and he's going to have to fight both of them over this, potentially on Christmas - not only is the world possibly ending in like four months - not only that but they're apparently fucking each other too!

Which... Kinda isn't the most surprising thing ever? It breaks his heart in two to think it, but honestly how could Jason not assume that he's been utterly disowned at this point? Is Dick even right to still think of him as family? Maybe this was a long time coming...

Tim blushes an even deeper red and rolls his eyes. "Well, gee, thanks for helping to keep your little brother's thoughts chaste."

The words 'little brother' hit him like a psychic mac truck to the forehead.

It's supposed to be sarcasm, but his tone is far too fond and too flirtatious, and his eyes are still far too low, and 'little brother' wasn't said like the punchline it was said like it was true, and they're smiling at each other as they each sip their coffee and-

That's when he spots it.

Bright red and perfectly centered between them. One large container of coffee. Folgers. Coffee.

Dick officially snaps.

The x-files theme plays over clips of that goddawful commercial and the image before him of his own two siblings reenacting that same energy right before his eyes.

Dick stealthily goes back down the hall and right out the window and up to Tim's front door and rings the doorbell repeatedy until Tim opens the door, looking flustered and just a touch guilty.

"Uh, hi? Wha- are you good?"

Dick pushes passed him and marches right up to the kitchen. "Got a case, sorry about this, but there's no time to explain."

"Should I be getting my suit on??"

"Nope! No, no, no, you just stay here. Just don't touch anyone for the next like twenty four hours and you'll be fiiiine!"

Jason has predictably vanished by the time he gets there, but Tim's coffee is still hot and on the counter.

He swipes both the cup and the container of grounds right off the counter and starts marching back towards the door to leave, to go down into the batcave and test this shit for psychoactive chemicals!

"My coffee? Seriously?? Dick what the fuck?!"

"Crane and or Ivy, don't ask, no time, just don't touch anyone!"

Tim looks at him like he's a lunatic as he runs back out the door, but he's earned that lunatic status so they can both be excused.

---

Jason eyes his coffee, takes another sip. It doesn't taste poisoned. He shrugs and drinks the rest.

---

(Dick is ultimately glad that the lab tests come back clear. Whatever is happening between them it's better that it's not... chemically induced.

He's still gonna have to have a whole internal crisis about it though.)

[pigeonwhumps]

Courtroom

MD-264N masterlist

So um. You may notice this is not my Whumptober story. This is bc my brain decided it would only write this today. But enjoy anyway! At least I'm writing more than a sentence or two again!

Taglist: @wolfeyedwitch @den-of-evil @dustypinetree @cardboardarsonist @skittles-the-whumpee

@whatwhumpcomments @whump-tr0pes @snakebites-and-ink @painful-pooch @i-eat-worlds

@a-funeral-romance @rainydaywhump

An AU of MD-264N based on this prompt by @lumpywhump. Morgan goes on trial.

1.4k

CWs: living weapon whumpee, minor whump (discussed), past minor whump, meltdown, unintentional attempted self-harm (head banging), guns, gunshots

"I do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

Asha glances across at Morgan worriedly. This is the make-or-break evidence of the trial, she's sure of it, she hasn't seen what Blue has to present but she's seen the medical aftermath of it, and she's seen Blue's reaction (she knows exactly when he cracked the files because that's when he brought her the widened cutlery for them, visibly seething). The problem is that Morgan hasn't visibly reacted to anything so far today, and Asha doesn't think that'll help in the eyes of the judges.

Also, against all medical advice, Morgan is standing for the trial. It's standard. They shouldn't be, not on that ankle, not if they don't want to make the permanent damage worse. They didn't even walk here, but apparently weapons don't get seating if they're being reprimanded, so they won't sit now.

But it's been hours, and Asha is really worried about that ankle.

Blue clears his throat and Asha snaps her attention back to him.

"As you all know, Morgan has been with the Regime's Ministry of Defence since they were eight. Within their file was video and written evidence dating back to then. Your Honours, you have the written reports in your evidence packs, but there's videos that I am going to show you chronologically." He clicks a remote control and the screen changes to the hallway of a normal-seeming family home, books and toys scattered around. The 'play' triangle is superimposed over it. "Morgan's parents were well-documented protesters, though by the time they were eight they'd both stepped back from the movement to raise their child. Morgan had several disabilities and powers, both of which put them in danger. They were known as Lili then, and this video, of their... I suppose you could say recruitment, if you want to follow the government's euphemisms, is the last evidence we have of them having a name rather than a serial number until Rhian Williams named them Morgan upon their arrival here. If I may play the video, Your Honour?"

The head judge nods, and the video starts.

There's a high-pitched giggle off-screen, and then a kid charges into view, holding a battered notebook with sticky bookmarks sticking out of the side.

Asha's breath hitches. This must be Morgan. They don't look eight. They're so small.

"Hey!"

Morgan – Lili? – giggles again. A woman runs in, grabbing Morgan around the middle and lifting them into the air. Their long brown hair flies around them, mixing with her light hair.

"Got you! Now give me my notes back!"

There's a movement in the courtroom and Asha glances over. Morgan's dropped to the floor. At first Asha thinks it's just their ankle, but then they get up, clawing at the thin wooden rail attached to the plexiglass sides. Their eyes are fixed on the screen, and at first they look no more emotional than before, but tears stream down their cheeks, and their hands tremble.

"No!"

The woman smiles and snatches the notebook. "Too late. Let's see what you've given me."

As the woman flips through the pages, Asha notices the subtitles for the first time and her breath catches in her throat. She was focused so much on Morgan she didn't notice the language switch – she's not sure how that happened. But Welsh. Morgan's Welsh. A different part of Wales to herself, it sounds like more of a borders accent to Asha's north Wales, but they're Welsh. Can they still speak it? Would it help them if she did? Make them feel less alone?

The woman's eyes widen. "Baby, you–"

A door latch clicks off-screen. "Honey, I'm home!"

Morgan grins and scrambles off the woman, running for the edge of the screen. "Tad!"

Their dad enters the video, catching Morgan around the waist and spinning them in a circle. "Hey little monster. How was your day?"

"I decorated mam's notebook! And I've been practicing my writing!"

"Here, have a look," says Morgan's mam, passing the notebook over with a smile. Their dad's grin widens.

"You wrote your name? And a whole sentence?"

Morgan nods enthusiastically.

"She did indeed. She also coloured in my notes at the same time, but I'm sure my professor won't mind too much."

Morgan's dad ruffles their hair. "Well, I think this calls for celebratory pancakes. Why don't you go and pick out the mould?"

Morgan nods and charges off-screen. Morgan's dad wilts and he runs a hand through his hair. Their mam kisses him.

"Hard day at work?"

"No kidding. I got the number for that specialist, but we don't have long. If anyone catches wind of Lili..."

"We don't have long. But let's leave today for celebrating Lili. 50p she chooses the Archimedes mould?"

"I'd be a fool to take that bet." He puts an arm around her shoulders and they wander off-screen. There's nothing for a minute, just a blank hallway with no sound. Whatever camera bug this is by the former regime, it's good quality.

"Hey baby, what'd you choose?"

"Archimedes!"

"Your favourite. Come and help me with–"

There's a fast, loud banging on a door. "Ministry of Defence! Open up!"

Someone curses. Morgan yelps.

"Lili, I will always love you. Now run. Just like we practiced."

"Mam? Tad? What's–"

"Go! We'll catch you up."

A running child's footsteps. Morgan's dad strides into the hallway and takes down a framed painting, unlocking the safe beneath it and passing a gun to their mum.

She cocks it. Was it already loaded in there? Who were Morgan's parents?

"I love you."

"And I you."

The door crashes in. The sound of gunshots fills the room, and not just from Morgan's parents. They–

"No!"

The scream is strangled and wet. Asha glances around to see Morgan on their knees, their head in their hands, rocking. They look devastated.

The video doesn't end there, as Morgan's dragged on-screen, kicking and screaming, smacked around the head until she stops, and all of this over her parents' bodies, splayed out on the wood, blood pooling around them.

There's a makeshift height chart just visible in the last shot, the pencil marks on the wallpaper sprayed with blood.

This video ends here, with Morgan's removal, but it's not the only one. Asha doesn't know how Blue can stand there and present these so calmly. There's one very soon after, with Morgan's head newly-shaved, a shock harness and mittens freshly fitted, and they look so cold. They're in shock, they're an orphan, but they're not allowed to grieve, the attitudes of the handlers makes that clear. They don't understand but nobody's giving them a chance to do so.

And so it continues. And so Morgan grows up. Never spoken of as a person, never given an inch, locked into the tiniest room, shocked until they stop moving, stop speaking. Stop resisting. Trained, punished. Taught to kill, punished when they resist, hesitate, react violently to the harsh sounds and movements and actions. Hurt until they stop hesitating, forget that they can, perhaps forget that they were ever anything but a weapon, forged in the fires of pain and desperation, purged of everything they don't actively need in an effort to survive.

But the nightmares never stop. They still haven't, Asha knows. She just didn't have the context until now.

Meanwhile, present-day Morgan is getting worse with every piece of evidence. Scrambling back when certain people come on screen, and freezing, and pleading with the videos when they think they're going to be punished. Their face is blotchy with silent tears, and they keen, rocking back and forth in distress from the latest video (active mission testing).

And then they start trying to bash their head against the plexiglass, and one of their guards has to restrain them. Asha should be there, she's their doctor, but she tries to stand and someone official shakes their head at her. It's not fair, she knows she's part of the trial, but she– she–

"They've survived worse, they'll be okay," whispers Rhian hoarsely. Asha nods, unable to speak. She should still be there.

She aches to go to them. She knew it was bad – only a fool would see a young person wearing an electroshock harness and think it wasn't – but she didn't realise it was this bad.

But she can't. She's not allowed, she can't risk the trial, they won't let her. All she can do is sit here and watch uselessly as Morgan's heart is ripped wide open, all over the very public courtroom floor.

[lurkingshan]

Last Twilight Episode 10

Okay…okay. I have had some concerns about this show on a low simmer for weeks and unfortunately, the direction this episode took has brought them all roaring to the surface.

First let me just say there was a lot about this episode I really loved (anything to do with Night especially). But there are also a few things that did not work for me so well, so let’s take them one at a time.

Mhok’s Story

Mhok’s financial struggles, the prejudice he faces as a formerly incarcerated person, and his deep grief for his sister have been back-burnered for weeks while he and the story focused on Day. I chatted with @my-rose-tinted-glasses about this last week and said that I was reserving judgment and hoped this was an intentional part of the narrative that would come to the fore—Mhok was subsuming his own problems by making Day his entire life, and when he inevitably left the caretaker job he would have to face them again.

Welp, this episode was the moment for that to happen, if it was ever going to, and the show didn’t do it. Instead, they quickly glossed over Mhok’s struggles with two short scenes and a couple lines of dialogue, stuck him in a new job, and went right back to focusing on Day. Will I ever get a Thai bl that sets up class conflict and financial struggles and then actually takes it seriously?? Apparently not today.

This choice to gloss over Mhok’s money problems is also making the romance feel pretty imbalanced, and I’m really mourning the opportunity to see Day be a supportive partner to Mhok like he has been for him. I want Mhok to be a whole person, not an improbably perfect love interest. The lack of reciprocity in their dynamic is not great and it’s holding this romance back from reaching its full potential.

Day’s Mom

Let’s be very clear: Day’s mom’s behavior in this episode was abusive. She was within her rights to fire Mhok, which he knew and that’s why he resigned before she took action. But her choice to intentionally isolate Day and lock him up in his room with no access to the outside world was cruel and selfish. And it doesn’t seem like the show really gets that, given how they presented her and Day through the rest of the episode.

That family holiday scene was really missing the underlying edge it should have had given she was playing the loving mom while doing these things to Day, and other than one brief line from Night that got interrupted, we didn’t see any acknowledgement in the story of how wrong she was, or even get a good sense of how much she was harming Day.

I would have liked to see Day actually seem affected by his isolation rather than focusing on more cute date moments. Bad Buddy was really adept at delivering excellent couple moments while never letting you forget about the underlying trauma and melancholy of the story, but this show is not quite managing to do the same. Moonlight Chicken also has some glorious moments where bad and abusive parenting was called out very directly, so the lack of it here is really jarring. It all feels curiously light for the subject matter and I expected more from Aof.

Day’s Vision

Obviously after the end of the episode this will be the worry on everyone’s mind heading into next week. We know Aof previews can’t be trusted, but it seems clear the surgery is going to happen. Thematically, I do not think it makes any sense for the show to restore Day’s vision. I wish they weren’t going here with the eye donation surgery at all, but if they’re going to do it I hope its purpose is for the procedure to fail as a mechanism to force Day and his family to finally accept that his disability will not be fixed. But given the above noted poor execution on some of the story’s other themes, I am not currently feeling super confident that the show won’t do something very silly here. Fingers crossed!

[skreebs]

Thinking about the ableism toward Jouno in the BSD fandom and it genuinely pisses me off so badly I want to hit people. I’ll be perusing the tag and looking at stuff and then I’ll see some random pop ups for AO3 and get shit like this

Now I don’t 100% know the context of this screenshot, for all I know this fic could be about him before he lost his sight, but either way it got me thinking and thinking got me angry and being angry means i need to complain. Jouno is already pretty shit blind rep, I’ll be honest. He’s the basic stereotype of “blind character has super senses because they’re blind” but can we give blind people literally ANYTHING else??? jesus christ. I’m pissed how BSD writes his blindness so as per usual I had to attempt to fix all of that myself, but attempting to fix it and removing it entirely are NOT the same and one is VERY MUCH SO WORSE. Again, not talking about this fic specifically but other ones I’ve seen that do this, or those “Jouno if he could see” edits. Spoiler alert, blind people can open their eyes.

I dont know why BSD and every other piece of media is so adamant on not giving visually impaired and blind characters white canes and just giving them "super senses" to get around it. It’s incredibly stupid and abelist to portray stuff like this. Disabilities are not super powers and thank GOD they didnt make that his ability but they still gave him that aspect and I guess it can be excused with SOME lore stuff like maybe he got really good senses from his surgeries but it just sucks that it happened that way at all? And then they don't even touch on how horrible having incredibly hightened senses to the point you can HEAR blood would be?? can you imagine hearing everyone internal organs around you 24/7 EVERYDAY? No one talks about that at all. That would be so fucking overwhelming its genuinely insane. Jouno is such a dear character to me, but genuinely when I remember him in canon without any of my headcanon explinations it’s just really sad that all I can say about him as representation is "well.. it could be worse".

I know there’s going to be at least one person saying “theres good blind rep in other shows though!!” Yes! I know! I’m super glad about that! But ignoring the bad ones doesn’t help much. You need to point out the issues to get good results. Recently, and by recently I mean about 17 hours ago, I watched/listened to the first episode of Daredevil, once with audio descriptions, and then after I watched without AD and had captions. I’m super glad that things are more commonly getting AD—it’d be a bit pathetic if the show with a blind main character was not accessible to blind people—but even with Daredevil, Matt still falls a bit into this stereotype.

Don’t get me wrong, seeing a character with a white cane has me absolutely elated, but from the single episode I’ve seen and what I’ve heard, he apparently also has some sort of super senses, and I know in the first episode he can hear heartbeats. I think super senses as a power is fine, but it’s just the fact they always give it to the blind characters. I, myself, am not blind, nor am I really visually impaired, I just wear glasses. However, as someone with a special interest in disabilities and also as someone that is disabled in other ways, seeing disabled rep fall into stereotypes over and over just really bums me out sometimes.

I think Daredevil is great so far from this one episode, I’ll probably be looking at more of it, but that is definitely just one gripe I have with it. I think Charlie Cox putting a bunch of effort into the role with the method acting and talking to people in the blind community and just all of that is amazing, I love to see that in anything, it’s just urrghh that it’s so hard to find a blind character that doesn’t have some kind of insane superpower senses with things. It reminds me of when characters with autism are so frequently portrayed as geniuses or their autism is only acceptable if it helps the neurotypical cast with “gadgets” or something. I dunno. Hard to explain, it’s 11 at night and I’m tired. Just don’t be ableist in any fandom or in real life. I shouldn’t have to even point out why this shit is disgraceful.

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

Thrift store Westerns I've never heard of part 2!

SHOOT FIRST AND PRAY YOU LIVE (Because Luck Has Nothing to Do With It) is an indie film from 2009 and winner of the independent spirit award at Santa Fe Film Festival, apparently. Wikipedia says it was based on the novel Luck by Max Brand. It's got everything! It's got maybe in fact too much going on! It's got split screen, it's got a brief animated sequence, it's got so many fucking flashbacks.

Opens with this, which I find very funny for some reason:

While we're on disclaimers, my quotations are summarized and not exact bc I am not going over ever few seconds of this movie. Also this movie is rated R so assume Yes for most common western content warnings.

Very GBU intro with about 10 seconds of empty street, a surprise close-up and then a tense shootout that we'll only have context for later. I hope.

The first real scene introducing our main character (Red Pierre) is a very gory shootout in a saloon. The shots themselves are fast and then we get a blow-by-blow of exactly where each of the 3 shots fired went. Lots of squirting blood from exploded arteries. I respect it but also was deliberately not looking at the screen too hard for like a solid 30 seconds or so lol. Red's first shot was shooting his opponent's thumb off, so he pulled a Silence a la The Great Silence. However in this case it was not simply a disabling move bc he did just keep shooting and murder those 2 guys. also. so. not sure what the point of that was.

Then he turns around and makes awkward eye contact with the only other guy who hasn't left the saloon, an old man who makes a high-pitched sound and goes 'I didn't see anything! Actually, no, I saw everything and you were totally in the right hahaha don't even worry about it....' Red asks if he has a horse and he stammers that he's got a burro and Red is welcome to take it. "My horse died, or I wouldn't ask," Red clarifies awkwardly, before escaping with the old man's burro. It's now night, Red frees a Mexican man whom some nasty gang members were hanging from a tree as a form of torture. Red waits at the tree, presumably waiting for these guys to show up so he can kill them? idk. He falls asleep immediately and wakes up being guarded by the daughter of the aforementioned gang leader.

fuckin womp womp sound effect plays as he realizes what happened. My guy what did you expect? Why did you go to sleep at the Local Asshole Gang's Designated Torture Tree?

STOP LOOKING SURPRISED YOU HAD TO KNOW THEY WERE COMING BACK.

Anyways the gang leader's son just got killed and then he saw Red and was like, oh yeah I hear he's killed people. Good enough! New son figure and new gang member to fill the empty seat at the table! (Everyone thinks this is a terrible idea, especially gun girl. Red is like 'you're right, what a terrible idea, I'll just... leave.... *gun pointed at him threateningly* ok or not or I'll just sit here I guess')

There's a bit where the camera zooms in on individual gang members and names them. There is no way I am remembering all 5 of these guys at once. The girl's name is Jack though. Cool. Her dad is a creep and does not seem to like her much He does, he just gets really weird dialogue. idk, I have mixed but not very coherent feelings about how Jack is handled in this movie like, generally. Anyways gang leader Jim Payne comments that Red is 'older than I thought, but young enough for what I want to make of you.' He then goes on a rant about how when he was Red's age he had a mentor who shaped him into the man he is now and he's going to be that person for Red.

Red is....

Deeply confused by all this?? but willing to roll with it for his own agenda. If the gang helps him out with some Mysterious Tasks he needs to accomplish, he'll join them willingly. Payne is delighted to hear it. The first task is burying Red's dead father. Everyone chews on some loco weed and gets high as shit before setting off on this long journey (except for Knife Guy, who I guess is loco enough without the weed and thus declines it.)

TWENTY YEARS AGO (we are getting an extended flashback)

Pierre's dad, who is now dead and needs to be buried, was having an affair with Red Pierre's mom. Bob McGurk and the other guys Red wants to revenge kill show up at his mom's house and shoot some guy and assault her. (I thought the guy they shot was her dad but eventually, in a later flashback, we find out it was just like. some other dude she happened to know, and that the killers thought it was Red's dad). She swears to kill them all and eventually manages to kill the sheriff, leaving 2 others for someone else to please take care of.

Red Pierre's dad simply can't, because he is wearing a sweater. He can't shoot no one! Not in a sweater! Despite his extended musings about what a terrible man he was and how he's going to hell, he's apparently just not a shooting man, thus letting his girlfriend be tortured by the local gang for months (yes this went on for Months before she managed to stab the sheriff.) He's also not a "raising my illegitimate son" type apparently, so he drops the kid off at a random Mexican mission to be raised by the friars.

the subtitles helpfully provide pronunciation. Also, THIS PLACE IS LIKE 900 MILES FROM THE BORDER? IS THIS WHOLE MOVIE TAKING PLACE FULLY INSIDE MEXICO (IF SO WHY IS ALMOST EVERYONE WHITE AND SPEAKING AMERICAN ACCENTED ENGLISH) AND IF NOT, DID THIS GUY RIDE 900 MILES TO DROP OFF THE KID HE DIDN'T WANT TO RAISE SOMEWHERE HE WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER FIND HIS WAY BACK???? WHAT'S HAPPENING. WHY ISN'T RED SPEAKING SPANISH IF HE WAS RAISED DEEP IN CENTRAL MEXICO. HOW DID WE GET HERE. HOW DID WE GET ANYWHERE. WHY ARE YOU SO INSISTENT ABOUT THIS SPECIFIC GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. LIke don't get me wrong it's a very cool geographical location but what is happening.

Anyways, Red's dying mother whispered something (I thought it was her murderous plans but it will later be revealed that I was wrong about this) into his baby ears as he lay in her dying arms and now he's gotta go murder the bad guys that terrorized his mom but first must bury his illegitimate dad who was nice to his mom but did not protect her from the other guys and also did not claim or raise him bc the dad was married to some other unseen unnamed woman who is presumably also dead now I guess bc she's just not ever going to come up. Simple! I'm so confused. The priest who raised Red after he got yeeted 900 miles south into Mexico has a monologue about raising his beloved child and WAIT HOLY SHIT IT'S ANIMATED NOW. WE'RE HAVING AN ANIMATED SEQUENCE???

I swear to God I am not making this movie up. delightful. what is happening ever. anyways no wonder Red just goes "this might as well happen" about acquiring a new father figure in Payne, he has so many fuckingn dads already...

The priest is like 'yeah I didn't even try to raise him to be a good Christian I knew he was destined to be a total badass adn beat people the fuck up so I taught him to fight bobcats and grizzly bears and climb trees and catch fish with his teeth and shit. bc I'm cool'

The priest then coyly mentions that Pierre is too much of a badass in the boxing ring and nobody wants to fight him, so he uses him as a form of penance on sinners by making them box this violent child and get beat up.

THIS IS NOT THE SAME MAN? THIS IS NOT OUR GUY? DID HE LOSE ALL HIS PIGMENTATION AS HE MATURED. DID A GRIZZLY BEAR BITE ALL THE BROWN OUT OF HIS HAIR AND NOW IT'S RED? WHAT HAPPENED. THIS IS NOT A RED HAIRED BLUE EYED KID. IS OUR CURRENT GUY NOT RED PIERRE? IS HE ACTUALLY SOME OTHER DUDE? IS RED PIERRE (THE REAL ONE) GOING TO SHOW UP LATER??? WHAT'S HAPPENING. (This kid is a very good actor and a good fighter by the way, but he is not a good double for the guy he is allegedly the child version of.)

His opponent mumbles "que diablo" as he's getting knocked out with the most American pronunciation I've ever heard. I don't even know Spanish that well adn I can tell that's some extremely American Spanish. also

thank God we're free of the flashback. We've been here so long. No specific time given bc that would require me going back through this and I don't want to reexperience it.

...My theory about this flashback is it's showing us in realtime how Red's story becomes a legend (part of the intro featured a guy telling us and a bunch of children a story about The Legend Of Red Pierre so Storytelling is like, a Theme.) I guess? It would explain why current Red is kind of a sweet awkward quiet kid and flashback Red is Paul Bunyan if he was a ginger (but only sometimes.)

aww novice Red is so cute.

YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SHOW ME A MAP MONTAGE? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO REMIND ME OF THE 900 MILE DISTANCE BETWEEN YOUR STATED CURRENT SETTING AND WHERE THE REST OF THIS MOVIE SUPPOSEDLY TAKES PLACE? YOU WANT ME TO THINK ABOUT DISTANCE IN THIS MOVIE?? ARE YOU SURE

oh my god we get another different flashback about Red's mom Irene now and. His dad fully was there the day that the gang killed that other guy and assaulted her. he had a gun. he had the drop on them. he... ran awayyy! It haunted him. Finally, years later, he took his gun and went to shoot McGurk, who shot him instead. that's how we ended up here, Red still has 2 guys left to kill for his parents. I've now heard this story like 19 times and it gets slightly more complicated and yet somehow less interesting every time.

Red's batshit crazy rogue priest daddy is ok with the revenge and gives him a???? Cursed crucifix??? that will bring blessings to him and evil to others?????? What's happening. I was raised Catholic I did not get any magical amulets like this

ok so we're caught up. Red killed one of the 2 guys in the first big shootout of the movie, his dad was the guy getting shot in the intro. Jack joins the men officially as part of the gang. We are now getting backstory for some random gang member whom I do not care about.

Blessedly this was a short flashback. he used to be a blacksmith before he went axe crazy, or more accurately hammer crazy, with a hammer. I think he had some reason but I couldn't understand the dialogue in that bit so who knows.

OH NO ANOTHER GANG MEMBER IS GOING TO TELL HIS LIFE STORY NOW... IS THIS GOING TO BE THE WHOLE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE? PEOPLE TAKING TURNS TALKING ABOUT THE VIOLENCE THEY'VE DONE? wait a minute. false alarm. the next guy starts his story but is INTERRUPTED! By McGurk dramatically showing up. Ok fine that was funny. you got me.

anyways McGurk wants Red dead. what a shock. oh god another flashback PLEASE DO NOT ZOOM IN ON MCGURK PULLING HIS WIENER OUT PLEASE GOD

I do like the period accurate costuming in this movie. buttons yes. can I be done here? can the movie be over here? we're not even halfway in how can I endure this.

anyways. Red and McGurk have a showdown and fire simultaneously, each wounding the other. The other gang is delighted by this as the previously untouchable McGurk being wounded means his charm is broken. He can be killed! Eventually. (?)

The storyteller from the beginning of the movie comes back and tells us that McGurk disappeared for 2 years and that Red did lots of exciting stuff during that time but we're not going to get into all that right now. He also mentions that Red has the gang working with him while McGurk has 'always been a lone wolf'. This is straight up incorrect, as we had to see at least 3 painfully long flashbacks of McGurk and his 2-3 (I forgot) cronies shooting Red's mom Irene's friend full of holes and assaulting her. As a group! He did in fact have help before, if maybe not now. anyways. I shouldn't try to logic this movie.

The kids go to a masquerade. It's cute. Jack is enjoying the dress but worries it'll compromise her tough butch persona if the boys find out. Red promises not to tell anyone. There's a trippy extended rewind sequence that shows, everything playing in reverse, that McGurk, now wearing an eyepatch, has been stalking them all day, and then a completely unnecessary but in parts very funny sequence where McGurk gets a shave and the barber gossips to him about his backstory , providing a couple details we hadn't known but that I don't think matter much. 'now I never even seen a picture of McGurk, but they say he was an unnatural looking man, with a face you'd never forget,' says the barber, dabbing shaving cream onto McGurk's face. lol. It gets to be too much when the barber implies that McGurk dragged himself off into the wilderness and died somewhere, never to be heard of again. McGurk, very alive, pulls out his gun and asks if Red is still alive, and where to find him, thus bringing us back to before the masquerade, though first we must get ANOTHER flashback showing that McGurk did indeed drag himself off into the wilderness and ALMOST die, and he spent the whole time thinking about how much he hated Red.

Then there's a bit from I guess before the masquerade in which one of the gang members gets jittery over one of the others not showing up on time and tells Red he's bad luck, despite Jim Payne's argument that he's brought them nothing but good luck for these past 2 years. Red and the complainer square up for a duel and the other gang members go wait outside. We get some split screen of inside and outside the building:

It's fun but I'm not sure why it needed to happen. The complainer decides to just Not today and slinks off, but Jim mumbles that the other gang members will have to pick sides and a breakup is coming. We exit split screen. Then for no discernible reason we re-enter split screen.

Split screen gives us 2 slightly different shots of the same porch scene for a very funny and confusing moment, then McGurk steps into view in one shot while the gang doesn't notice him in the other. He shoots Jim Payne, Rodrigo and I think that's hammer guy? I think he killed the other non-complainer gang member earlier but the 2 guys sitting outside were shooting at a wasp and therefore didn't hear his shots, which happened at the same time? That section was confusing.

Ok NOW we're back up to the masquerade, and we have to watch a bunch of the same shots again. No wonder this movie is nearly 2 hours, it's mostly repetition, a lot of it of the same couple of flashbacks. Anyways, McGurk shows up at the masquerade, threatens Red, dances with Jack. Red gets knocked unconscious by someone and wakes up tied to a post in the middle of nowhere.

Oh look, Chollas! That places this movie as taking place in the Sonoran Desert, so somewhere in Arizona, southern American California, parts of Nevada or New Mexico, Baja California (unlikely) or northwestern Mexico. Filming apparently took place in New Mexico. You will notice that zero of these places are ANYWHERE near the one SPECIFICALLY NAMED location with title card and everything, TzinTzunTzan Mexico. No I'm not done being annoying about this I'm never done. Does anyone know how distances work?

Anyways. Red is tied up, concussed and dehydrated. The complainer from the gang shows up and mocks him. It was he who kidnapped Red! And now he's going to kill him. But fairly, of course. He'll give Red a weapon--he places it in his left hand and leaves him tied up, of course. And I am going to turn on captions for these because I need you to see that I'm not making this dialogue up oh my God.

"Because I face my challenges head-on! Like a train going down the tracks! I love trains. ...Robbing... trains."

Red shoots the complainer, whose name I will never not mishear as Gandalf (it's Gandall or something?) and then Some Guy happens along to find Red. I'm pretty sure this is the same guy he freed from being tied to a tree at the start of the movie but I'm not sure. The guy comments 'it's only fair' as he releases Red, so maybe I'm right? It's not super obvious if they recognize each other or not. He does threaten Red a bit first before freeing him. idk.

Anyways I think this man is hot and watching him playfully mess with Red a bit before releasing him was the closest I've come to sexualizing anyone in this movie. Mostly I have been too confused and haven't cared about anyone enough.

Red, now freed, finds McGurk McLurking over his mother's grave and yells at him to get away from it, furious. They have a showdown. Red shoots McGurk's gun hand, then drops his own gun and dares McGurk to try to pick his up faster. McGurk doesn't move. Red mocks him, then finally tells him that there would be no satisfaction in killing him like this, even though Red could, and to get out. McGurk leaves his gun, throws his belt of ammunition in Red's general direction and skedaddles. A flashback reveals that Irene told Red's presumed father whom he buried in the beginning of the movie that McGurk was the young Red's father (I did wonder about that. But also how did she know? Red was redhaired like his father. Well I guess his non-father was more blond but like. He definitely doesn't look like McGurk. And all those creeps had their way with her so like. how do we... know... that it's him.... in particular. None of these guys had red hair also. except maybe his dad who wasn't his dad.) but anyways... in Red's non-dad's one moment of bravery, he picked up baby Red, saw McGurk McLurking outside, and shouted 'the boy's mine. Get out!' at him. And McGurk actually McLeft. In the present, once again, he runs away from Red. an interesting ending, though I'm not sure I'd call it a satisfying one--maybe if it was more "Red is sticking to his moral principles of not killing where avoidable" was more of a Thing up to this point, but like, Red has killed a bunch of people and not seemed to mind joining the outlaw gang and presumably doing a bunch of crime with them for 2 years. So. idk??

It's then revealed via, surprise, ANOTHER FLASHBACK that Red had given the magical cross amulet thing to Jack before their dance and so has been winning these last fights with his own skill and no luck, which is a fun reveal I guess. It then cuts to Jack who has been caught and tied up by bandits though, so like, I guess the cross does not work at all bc that is just some real bad luck for her. So. What was the point of any of this?

The movie ends there. No explanation of what's going on with Jack. We do not see her get rescued. I don't even know who those guys that tied her up are. We've never seen them before. What the fuck is happening. ROLL CREDITS!

Ok thoughts: idk interesting movie. I didn't feel strongly about it. I think it's clear the people making it were having a lot of fun so that's cool. Red was kind of a fun character, especially when he's awkward and dorky. Very lovable. However his motivations and general morality are an enigma to me. For a guy who has that much exposition about him I'm really very confused about what's going on with him, which does not seem like it should be possible at this point.

Jack was potentially a fun character but I feel her dad was so weird about her gender while I didn't have a solid grip on how she felt about it herself. It's implied that she has to be a man to join the gang and her dad allows it as long as she dresses masc and shoots guns but views her as neither man nor woman. Potentially fun concept.. I really wish we didn't end the movie with a casual non sequitur of her getting attacked by some random dudes. Do we not have enough women experiencing violence in this movie already. It's in every fuckign western I watch and I am just so tired of it.

idk. I think Red should've shot McGurk. It's not like he was Not shooting anyone else. Why would he shoot all those other guys and NOT McGurk. Maybe he thinks it's crueller to make him live knowing that he had to run away from Red. idk. Also why did we have those two (and a half? there's a brief moment where he talks to someone in a saloon?) sequences of the storyteller talking about the legend of Red Pierre? What did that add?

I did like some of the humor in this movie. Generally I think it was rather incoherent but had some fun along the way. Maybe too much, to a confusing degree. I also liked the costuming and how dusty and greasy everyone looks.

I feel like maybe the characterization was clearer in the book but falls flat or just seems confusing in a movie... this is just a theory though.

Anyways. Unexpected parallels between this movie and the other western I'd never heard about before finding it at a thrift store and making a tumblr post about, Gallowwalkers:

-Some kind of secret society of magical wizards which is vaguely Catholicism-flavored and described as a religious order despite having absolutely nothing to do with real world Catholicism

-Older, morally questionable gunfighter notices a conventionally attractive younger white boy and immediately goes "that's my new boy. I'm adopting him. Boy, hello, I am your new mentor, whether you want one or not. Come shoot people with me." In both cases it's so weird and flat and confusing that I don't even ship it, despite being a known freak and Wanting to...

-generally confusing movie. Too much going on that is never fully explained and yet the stuff that is explained gets too wordy.

Anyways I skipped through the credits to the end looking for some explanation of the ending and did get this:

To be continued?? you thought you were going to make another one of these? well that explains the ending I guess. oh well.

There actually WAS also a brief funny stinger of the shopkeeper whom Red and Jack held up and told to lie on the floor and count to 5000 reaching 4998 and going "To hell with this" and getting up. lol.

[owlhari]

a guide to not being ableist about norman becile

greeterings, fellow steam powered giraffe fans. while browsing becile content, i've unfortunately noticed a lot of ableism, both subtle and not, when it comes to folks talking about norman. i want to write a quick "guide" on how to not do that.

some disclaimers: this was not inspired by any particular post or user. it's a general trend i noticed, and to be fair, there are many years-old posts in this fandom with authors that may have changed since writing them.

don't take it as a personal attack if you realize you've done something mentioned in this post. take it as motivation to learn and grow!

also, i do not have a visible body/facial difference or an intellectual disability, but i am physically disabled and neurodivergent in multiple ways. i may have some "authority" on this topic, but don't take my word as the final say for any of this.

mini-essay starts below the cut.

let's start with language.

when describing norman and the 1950 incident, try to use neutral words. instead of saying he is deformed, disfigured, or crippled... say he was changed or transformed.

of course, if you are writing fic where a character is supposed to be ableist towards him, or maybe norman's feelings about himself immediately after the incident, it might make sense to use language with negative connotations.

but out of character, there's no excuse for using slurs. please don't call norman crippled. there are so many other words you can use.

why is neutral language important? because disability is not a negative thing by default. having a facial difference or a cognitive disability is not inherently bad.

(side note that yes, the official timeline uses language that is... maybe not the best. the official timeline also hasn't been updated since 2015.)

sort of related to language, look at canon for norman's speech patterns.

he appears in pages 11 and 12 of the comic, with plenty of dialogue. he does not speak "like a child" or have any apparent speech difficulties. of course, there's nothing wrong with that (i have a stutter! again, disability is neutral!) but the fact is norman speaks like every other character we see in the comic.

he enunciates himself just fine, he uses vocabulary you would expect an adult to use, he can be sarcastic and make jokes.

don't write dialogue for norman where he talks in the way you believe people with intellectual disabilities "should" talk. it just makes you look like a jerk who makes assumptions.

my last big point: wanda and norman's marriage.

it is canonical information that wanda walter married norman and took his last name. wanda's last name being becile in the timeline was confirmed by bunny bennett as not a typo or a mistake, she really did marry norman.

there is no reasoning given for their marriage, and they are never shown interacting in the comic. we don't even have a date for when they got together, aside from the fact that it was before 2015. however, this does not inherently mean their marriage was forced, that they're unhappy, or that wanda "had no other choice."

norman has been living at walter manor since at least 1956. if wanda truly did not want to be around him, why would he be there at all?

she has clearly forgiven him for what he did, else he wouldn't have been allowed to live with her for over fifty years. there are war-enhanced robots in the manor at all times, and you're telling me if norman made wanda uncomfortable in any drastic way, he wouldn't have been kicked out immediately?

of course, as i said, there is no truly canon reason behind their marriage. you're free to headcanon whatever you like. but if you're dead-set on writing that wanda was coerced or married him out of pity, i'd like you to consider why.

if norman didn't have a facial difference, if he wasn't disabled, would you be making those headcanons?

and finally... why does this matter, if norman's appearance isn't anything a human could possibly look like?

it matters because the way you talk about norman might come across as what you think of actual disabled people and it might make actual disabled people uncomfortable.

if your first thought when seeing norman in the comic (who, despite how little we see of him, seems happy and fulfilled) is that he must be a miserable man, suffering from his disabilities, with a wife who married him out of pity... i encourage you to do some reflecting about that.

thank you for reading. please be nice to disabled people, and have a wonderful day.

[redgoldblue]

for the drabble spotify wrapped game, if you want: i rolled my rainbow d10 twice and we have a 75 🌈

❤️ 🌈

75: America's Sweetheart by Elle King

uh. I don't know where this came from. i apologise, my partner-in-fluff 🫡

Also I am obviously not abiding by the technical 100-word definition of drabble here, but instead the much looser 'short piece of writing'.

spotify wrapped drabbles!

Steve doesn't know when he stopped caring about killing people. It didn't bother him until he started caring again.

It's not anyone unusual, is the thing that gets him. It's a nameless, almost-faceless drug smuggler that he didn't even mean to kill, but he shot with intent to disable and a little too much carelessness in a rush to stop the ship they came in on, and when he finally loops back around there's a pool of blood and a corpse with a busted femoral artery.

He's kneeling down, checking a pulse even though it's clearly absent, removing weapons even though he'll clearly have no use for them, when his fingers brush against a thin edge in the inside pocket of the off-the-rack grey suit jacket the guy's wearing.

When he pulls it out, it's a photo. He has to look down to check that it's the same guy in it, partially because death rictus changes a face, especially when your comparison is smiling and happy, and partially because he just hasn't looked at his face properly. It's the same guy, his arm around a similarly smiling woman shoulder-height to him and so close in features she has to be his sister, with a chubby-cheeked frizzy-haired kid straddling his shoulders and holding onto the woman's hand.

One of the first things the military teaches you, explicitly or not, is to erase personhood. Your own, and your enemy's. Numbers, statistics, body parts and targets and usefulness.

He puts the photo back into the dead man's jacket and moves away. A tech comes at some point, body-bags him, and Duke is there and the rest of his team have it well in hand, so he goes back to where their cars are parked, boosts himself onto the hood of the truck, and waits.

Kono walks past at some point, but they're still in the midst of cleanup and HPD handover, so even though she does slow and ask, "You okay, boss?", when he replies in the affirmative she nods and keeps moving.

He remembers himself before. He remembers when it would never would have occurred to him not to think that every person with a bullet in them is a person with a family. A person with a life, at least before they were a person with a death.

He doesn't bother trying to count. The impulse washes over him, but it would take hours with military records and Five-0 reports to calculate anything even close to accuracy.

Himself before was decades ago, but also not that long ago. It was target practice at the Academy and work behind computers in Military Intelligence and crawling through mud with a similarly young Freddie by his side.

Himself after, apparently, is sitting on his own truck at the edge of his own city watching his family and his family's family and his friends and his friends' friends move efficiently through shipping containers and body bags.

Eventually, Danny finds him. He takes one look at Steve's face; he doesn't say anything, just leans against the hood next to Steve and waits.

Eventually, Steve finds the words. "I don't think the military would like me anymore, Danny."

It's not all that new a state of affairs; he got driven by revenge and tattoos in non-regulation places and too many personal attachments and he remembered how to have fun in quiet spaces and how to love in loud ones. He started caring again.

"Good," Danny says, harsh and definite, and Steve realises with a start that the things that would debase him in the eyes of his country are probably exactly the same reasons Danny - not just Danny, his whole family - would cite for loving him. Except the tattoos, maybe.

He can't bring himself to be upset about it in the face of that.

[arecaceae175]

Remedy

Fic raffle gift for @blarghy-blergh!!! Blargh, I'm pretty sure you can't interact on tumblr rn but I wanted you to see it anyway! If you need me to remove the tag I can also do that <3<3<3.

Summary: Wild has a chronic pain flare up while the group is separated. Legend helps, and then they have a conversation about internalized ableism and accessibility.

1572 words, hurt/comfort

Notes:

I’m apparently vibing with chronic pain Legend and Wild lately (I started this one the day after I posted my last chronic pain one lol). This turned into Wild AND Legend hurt/comfort, I hope you don’t mind :D. I’m not sure about the end of this tbh, but I hope you enjoy!!!

Warnings: chronic pain flare up, little teeny bit of internalized ableism, discussion of pain but not in detail

Disclaimer: I do not experience chronic pain. I have some intermittent pains from my disabilities but not chronic pain itself. In addition to using my own experiences, I did some research so I could try to make this as accurate as possible :). I used info for myofascial pain/muscle spasm, hypertrophic and contracture scarring, and generalized chronic pain flare ups. Also fun fact: all the remedies Wild uses here are based on real world remedies. The jelly he has is basically magic icy hot XD

When Wild stumbled over nothing but dirt for the fourth time, Legend decided enough was enough. 

“Alright, that’s it,” Legend said. He turned around and put a hand out in front of Wild’s chest. Wild couldn’t stop himself in time and walked into it, then blinked in surprise when he felt the impact. 

“We need to stop,” Legend said. Wild’s eyes moved in Legend’s direction, but took longer than usual to focus.

“What?” Wild asked. His voice was quieter than usual. Legend frowned.

“We’re stopping,” Legend said. 

“We can’t,” Wild rasped. Legend huffed in frustration, crossed his arms, and stared at Wild. Wild held his gaze for a moment, then dropped his eyes to the ground. 

Legend took the moment of silence to study Wild’s body language. Wild’s shoulders were hunched and curled to the left, his skin was pale, and he was holding his left arm at an awkward angle, one fist clutching his shirt. He was leaning heavily on his right foot. Legend sighed in sympathy as he realized what was going on: pain flare up.

“I should have noticed,” Legend muttered. Then, louder, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Wild at least had the decency to look ashamed. “This is my Hyrule.”

“And?”

“And?  We’re separated and no one else knows how to navigate here. It’s my responsibility to find everyone and keep us safe here. And…” Wild’s voice got quieter, and he sighed exasperatedly. “I was really hoping it would go away.” 

Wild brought his right hand up to rub his eyes, then let it fall gently to his side. Legend felt the tension drain out of him. He sighed and walked over to Wild, then put a gentle hand on his back. 

“Okay,” Legend said. He started to rub comforting circles on Wild’s back, the way Sky does sometimes when he’s the one stuck in a flare up. 

“Look, I get it,” Legend continued as Wild turned his head away so Legend couldn’t see his face. “I know you’re worried about the others. I am too. But you won’t be able to help if you overdo it and make the pain worse. You have to listen to your body.”

“I know,” Wild whispered in a shaky voice. 

“Are we close to a town or anything?” Legend asked. 

“No,” Wild muttered. “I was hoping we would reach Lakeside Stable before it got bad.”

“What about your slate? Can you, what do you call it, warp?” Legend asked, waving one hand aimlessly to help him remember the words. 

Wild shook his head and flinched immediately. “Makes it worse. Learned from experience,” Wild said through what sounded like gritted teeth.

“Alright, let's stop here, then. I’ll make sure the area’s clear once you’re settled,” Legend said. Wild nodded. 

Legend led him to the nearest patch of grass and let Wild lean against a tree while Legend quickly set up his bedroll. Wild had his eyes clenched shut and his breathing was carefully controlled. A small smile crept onto Legend's face. He taught Wild that breathing technique. 

As soon as the bedroll was set up Legend guided Wild to lay down. Wild put all his weight on Legend and on his right leg, and carefully avoided moving his left hip or shoulder as much as possible. Once Wild was laying down, Legend made sure there was enough padding, but not too much, underneath the worst of Wild’s scarring. 

“Just checking,” Legend said. “It’s the scars, right?” 

“Yeah,” Wild said as he threw his right arm over his eyes. “Scars and hip and shoulder. Same injury. And... everywhere.”

“I’m out of potions. You?” Legend asked. 

“I’ve got green,” Wild said. 

“That won’t help,” Legend said. “Unless you want to be awake and energized through this.”

“Definitely not.”

“Wars used the last of the valerian root last week, didn’t he?” Legend asked. “Got anything else to help you sleep?”

“Um,” Wild said. His fists clenched and a pained grunt slipped out of his mouth. Even beneath Wild’s clothes, Legend could see his muscles spasm.

Legend felt his own joints throb in sympathy. He pulled a few rings off his fingers, the ones enchanted to relieve pain, and gently placed his hand over Wild’s fist. 

“When you can, open your hand,” Legend said softly. “Remember to breathe.”

Wild’s breaths began to even out at Legend’s words. After a minute, His fingers uncurled enough for Legend to slip the rings on his fingers. Luckily, most of the group had small hands, so Legend could share his rings when he needed to. 

“Can I get the herbs out of your bag? I know the case,” Legend said. “Squeeze my hand once for no, twice for yes.” Wild squeezed twice.

Legend nodded and turned to Wild’s bag. He pulled out the leather case and opened the clasp. It unrolled to show numerous tubes and jars, all labeled in Flora’s pristine handwriting.

Dandelion and stinging nettle tea - Joint health 

Mint, lavender, and fire chu chu jelly - Scar gel

Willow bark - Pain relief

Chamomile - Calming

Valerian root - Sleep aid

The valerian root case was empty. Most of the group dealt with nightmares or insomnia at one point or another. Wild usually brewed the dandelion tea in the evenings and shared it with anyone who wanted some. Wild was always happy to share his supplies, but that meant they went fast. They stocked up as much as they could whenever they found themselves in Wild’s Hyrule. 

Legend pulled out the jar of the scar gel, the willow bark tea, and the chamomile tea. He quickly set up Wild’s travel pot and got water brewing for the tea. 

“Thank you,” Wild whispered. 

Legend glanced at Wild with a smile. “Of course. We’ll rest here until you’re okay to move, then we’ll get to that stable. I’m sure the others will be fine.”

“Yeah,” Wild said. 

“I’ve got water going for willow bark and chamomile tea. Does that sound okay?” Legend asked. 

“Yeah.”

“I got the scar gel out, too,” Legend said, with a glance in Wild’s direction. Wild’s eyes moved under his tightly shut eyelids, but he didn’t otherwise react. 

“If you want, I could help you apply it,” Legend suggested hesitantly. He didn’t want to seem overbearing. 

“If you don’t mind, that would be great,” Wild said. His voice was still strained, and it made Legend’s heart clench. 

“No problem. Let me get the tea going first,” Legend said. 

~ ~ ~ ▲ ~ ~ ~

It was nearly 24 hours until Wild felt alright enough to travel. It wasn’t the shortest Wild’s flares have ever been, but it was also by far not the longest. Legend was thankful it was on the shorter side since they were in the wilderness without backup. 

Getting to the stable was slow going. Wild still moved stiffly and slowly, but he could move. Legend would take what he could get. 

Legend has Wild’s good arm slung around his shoulder and was trying to take as much of Wild’s weight as possible. Wild, in his usual self-sacrificing manner, was trying to put as little of his weight on Legend as possible. Legend smacked him lightly on the arm whenever he thought Wild wasn’t leaning on him enough. 

By the time the stable was in view, Wild’s eyelids were drooping and his steps were becoming more and more uneven. Wind and Twilight were sitting outside the table at the cooking pot. Wind glanced up, then nudged Twilight and they both ran towards Legend and Wild. 

“What happened?” Twilight asked as soon as he was within earshot. He quickly took Wild’s arm from Legend and began guiding him towards the stable.

“Careful,” Wild said. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look very fine,” Wind said. He was hovering anxiously beside Wild. 

“Pain flare up,” Legend explained. Twilight scowled. 

“I’ll be fine,” Wild said. 

“You will be. We’ll get you feeling better in no time,” Twilight said in a soft, comforting voice. 

“It seems to be getting better already,” Legend said. “We only had to stop for a day.”

Legend didn’t need to explain the details. The others have seen the effects.

“Come on, let’s see if we can rent the back room,” Wind said. He grabbed Legend’s hand and pulled him into the stable. 

“Are the others here?” Legend asked as he followed Wind. 

“Everyone’s accounted for! We’ve been taking shifts searching for you two,” Wind explained. Legend let out a quiet breath of relief, letting the stress flow out of him with the exhale. Wild was being taken care of and the others were all safe. He could relax.

“Good,” Legend said. 

Legend felt the exhaustion of the past two days hit him all at once. He let Wind take the lead on renting the room, then made sure to help Wild settle in the room. Wild was asleep as soon as he was on the bed. 

“Why don’t you get some rest, too, Vet,” Twilight said with a gentle hand on Legend’s back. 

Legend nodded his agreement. The room had two beds, but the thought of being too far from Wild right now was making him anxious. Twilight caught on and patted the bed next to Wild.

“He doesn’t take up much space. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” Twilight said quietly. 

Legend very, very carefully lowered himself onto the bed and slipped underneath the covers. He could feel Wild’s labored breathing through the mattress, and he let it lull him into a light sleep.

[midnightshard06]

Fictober Day 16: "No, I'm not okay"

You can check it out on ao3 here if you prefer.

Summary: Shadow gets an unexpected visitor in the middle of the night in the form of Super. The hedgehog seems oddly tired.

Set in my Chaos Uncontrolled AU

Warnings: None

Word Count: ~800 words

Shadow stopped dead in his tracks as he stepped into the room. There sitting on his couch, something Rouge had forced on him after complaining he had nowhere for guests to sit, was Super. The golden hedgehog didn’t seem to notice him as he entered the room. What was he doing here? It was currently some time in the middle of the night. A time when most people would be asleep. Should be asleep. Shadow crossed his arms. “What are you doing here Super?”

That got a slight reaction. Super sluggishly looked behind him to lock eyes with Shadow. While typically direct eye contact like this unnerved Shadow, right now he felt nothing. “Sitting.” Super responded, voice dripping with sarcasm. He sounded tired though and Shadow couldn’t help but think about the time the two of them had gotten trapped in that cave together. Even the golden glow he gave off seemed dim.

“You know what I meant.” Shadow narrowed his eyes. Super didn’t say anything, just turned around and ignored him. Huffing Shadow walked up to stand beside the couch. Admittedly Super looked as tired as he sounded, and definitely out of it. The hedgehog has his legs pulled to his chest, his chin resting on them. “Should I be expecting any other visitors tonight?” 

“Nah.” Super sighed. “Sonic and Tails are both asleep.” He shifted. “Tails shouldn’t even know I’m here I… disabled the tracker thing.”

That confession had Shadow feeling slightly more on edge but it was an easy feeling to push away for the time being. As loath as he was to admit it he had become rather good at reading Super and his moods. Hours spent together helping Super get a tighter grip on his chaos powers made sure of that. Right now he stood no threat to anyone, except maybe himself. “What happened?” Shadow glanced over at Super.

“Couldn’t sleep I guess…” Super was quiet, so unlike he usually was when Shadow interacted with him. 

“Are you… alright?” Shadow felt as if the answer was obvious just based on Super’s appearance but he could gauge how bad it was depending on how Super answered.

“I-” Super growled and cut himself off. His ears pressed flat against his head. “No, I’m not ok.”

It was very bad apparently, if Super was admitting it willingly. “You came here and didn’t go to someone closer to you like Tails. Why?” Shadow kept his voice even. He’d seen how volatile Super could be when emotionally distressed.

“Needed to get out of the house. Get away from… everything as much as I could.” Super mumbled. It was a partial answer, but Shadow knew there was more to it. Though he would have to wait for Super to volunteer the information, pushing him very seldom worked. Shadow was willing to bet his patience would last longer than Super’s. After several quiet minutes he was proved right. “Just my stupid brain not letting me rest. Keeps making me think about stuff that either I know is not true or is not anything I can do anything about.” He huffed. “Got to be too much tonight so I waited for Sonic and Tails to fall asleep so I could… go clear my head I guess. For some reason first place I thought to go was here.”

“It’s a more… neutral ground.” Shadow frowned. “It doesn’t have a connection to whatever is going on probably. You’ve come hoping that the change in environment will get your thoughts to calm down.” 

“I guess so.” Super hummed before glancing over at Shadow. “You’re not gonna try and kick me out?”

“Despite me wanting to kick you out I am well aware I would not be able to stop you from just coming back. It’s far too early to be getting into a fight. Besides, I'd like to keep my home undamaged.” Shadow huffed before walking off. Opening a nearby closet he grabbed a blanket out of it. By the time Shadow walked back over Super was watching him with mild interest over the back of the couch. Shadow got some satisfaction out of throwing the blanket at Super’s face and watching the chaos entity fall backwards off the couch. “Use that or don't. I don’t care. Just don’t break anything and you can stay for the night. I will not be explaining to Sonic what happened if you happen to overstay your welcome here.”

Super watched Shadow curiously as he picked himself up from the floor, collecting the blanket as he got back onto the couch. With one swift motion Super pulled the blanket around his shoulders. “Fine. Now go get some sleep edgehog.” Shadow gave Super one more glance before heading to his room. What an odd night.

[peppereddaze]

OKAY- HOLD ON-

So I just had a really weird dream last night- a really weird one! I dreamed about how the newest Layton game came out- you know it- ‘World Of Stream.’

I dreamed that I got it for Christmas and that I played it!

I can’t even begin to explain what happened!?

So-

Luke is grown and a detective and friends with this older famous engineer- who made everything in the now highly steampunk-futuristic looking America!?

He was like half robot! Had a visor and everything that showed his little emotions! Gold and blue steampunk-style look with these epic steampunk gauntlet claws! He actually was disabled- an amputee only having his one leg and the rest of his limbs where missing after an incident and replaced with cool prosthetics! He was also half-blind. His name was Arlo! I can’t remember his full name but it was Arlo! It was probably something cooler- but I’m calling him Arlo!

A ���comic relief’ and mascot character of this little robot character named Whim! They were small and blue and had these little pipes that went from their back to their head which steam came out of! They had a full-face visor that showed their expressions through icons and such! They were like Arlo’s first creation and they looked more janky, goofy but- Omigosh I loved them!?

They were witty and a lil sarcastic but in a funny way and just- helpful and they had character and a story! They were loyal as anything to Arlo and joined the little main cast perfectly.

So like usual- drama and mystery’s occur about some flip-flop book of memories, Arlo looking familiar to Layton-

Apparently Arlo was revealed to be Luke’s older and missing brother, something about how Arlo used to be Layton’s apprentice. They one day went exploring in a cave and Layton being a archaeologist- trying to find the magical book. They find it and stuff happens and the cave collapses and Layton or apparently someone used the book which erased any memory of Arlo’s existence!? Even to his parents, even to Hershel, even to himself??

Arlo was trapped and badly injured which eventually led him to be found by people and living a new life in making gadgets to better people’s lives, then Arlo becomes the tragic villian of the story who wants revenge on Layton and chases him around with a giant mechanical spider mecha. Like damn- petty much? Plus pretty big stretch for a motive… but whatever.

Layton tries to reason with Arlo and apologies- it seems to work as Arlo settles and seems to forgive him before he suddenly slashes Layton across the cheek in like a really cool cinematic moment!? Like in a real tense and real animated moment- even a Luke gasp. Layton does dramatic fall. Hits ground. Luke’s casual- nah crying out “Proffesah!”

Whim also being there and looking horrified.

Luke is angy and Arlo is sad about that and stuff.

Flora was in some scenes for some reason- I don’t know when but she suddenly appears and disappears at times!?

More stuff ensues!

The whole story in a nutshell is just meeting Luke, wanting to go on little mystery’s, learning about mystery book, Layton and Arlo slowly remembering each other and Luke being happy for his two friends to meet finally, Whim moments, Arlo realising and remembering and turning bitter and turning to revenge mid-way and just-

Whim realising their creator is not who they think they am and agreeing to help to hack Arlo’s robo army…?

And then trying to destroy Arlo- Whim is also infected by a dangerous glitch or virus?

Whim practically sacrifices themselves and that part I was crying about when I woke up!?

Like this isn’t even real and I was sobbing!

I don’t know what to do with this dream but it was so random and just so- vivid that I had to post it!

If anyone has questions about this plot I can try and answer them??

There’s a lot more to say I’m just trying to wrap my head around it all!

I am trying to write this before I forget it! D:

[xmurder-of-crowsx]

Vent rn while I'm unable to sleep from sickness

W digital art I feel like I could do so much more and feel way more confident in my art skills. But like. Affording the software is..hard..for a person who's not already rich...heck..I can't even afford to get a upgraded phone. This phone is running on fumes at this point lol...money issues are hard...and it's harder to make money to fix them in the first place. The system truly is broke. Just saying. Especially w mental issues up the wazoo like I got going on. To the point working like in public is hard a huge struggle. Which is why I have not worked in months. There's a huge issue w the system rn. And soc security is given to those who don't even need it and denied to those who do. It's so dumb tbh. Living is so hard. Money is so hard. Everything is so hard. Ugh. Life's not very simple. And unless your gifted w money , people skills, or talent. Your just going to stay at rock bottom forever like me. It's sucks man. Adulting sucks. Everything sucks. I wish things were easier. I can't even drive because of my crippling anxiety yet the gov says I'm apparently not disabled enough which my old neighbors had parties every day and were living the dream on soc security I feel they could've went without. Yah. It's hard. I just want to live but even that's a struggle in this world. Getting my meds is hard even. I'm barely hanging in there w my bipolar shit and Sui thoughts from depression and constant anxiety. And the gov won't let me get my meds because I'm still searching for a psychologist who takes my shit insurance they could provide me. It's..not good ..I'm losing it here...and my stomach issues which I need meds for too..and my thyroid issues which I can't easily get meds for either. This all sucks. I just. ..I am not sleeping well lately either. This isn't good . Why is my autism not severe enough why is my mental state which is falling apart not disabled enough why. I'm even more upset I can't afford schooling to get my voice acting classes so I can do shit w my life already. I'm 27 come on. And I can't get to any theater groups to launch my career cuz none take adults in my area. You gotta do it at a young age and i was stupid in hs and didn't...ugh...if I had anyone who could help me even a friend. But I dont even got friends anymore since years ago when I broke up w a toxic one I had since middle school ...I need irl ones for sure one day tho..I'm so alone...and I'm passionate for theatre which...I can't even start into ..cuz of my age...again..life's stupid..and the place I'm stuck living in...my parents house....is hard to live in cuz my dad's bipolar af like me and we fight constantly. .and my mom just ignores me when I'm breaking down...and my bro....just ...acts like he's my boss or something... I'm surprised I've lasted this long tbh...w how toxic my house is....rn..we go to therapy...it'll be a slow process tho w how much we have to fix...and I'm like hanging by a thread here...my mom already told me a lot she notices how much im struggling mentally at times and tries to step away when I'm moody af from bipolar...it's hard to stay in control...and it's a miracle I havent...gave up...on myself and gave into the thoughts...I'm staying strong tho...let's hope I can continue til ..I figure shit out ig...

And before you say anything I've tried working on art from my tiny ass phone. It's not good I need to get a bigger device or something. A laptop even would do better. I can't rn tho..

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

Hey. I would like to say Thank You! You have brought me closer to God recently. In return, I would like to give you the gift of being... lovingly cruel to you? Um so. Based on what you post and reblog, I will cautiously assume a few things about you and work from that. Please bear with me, but feel free to stop me and object anytime. First, based on a reblog you made I assume that you do believe that autism is a disability to an extent. Second, since you keep crying out to God I think you believe that Jesus has healing power and can heal anything. Third, you feel absolutely miserable. Fourth, you said that you don't want to change anything about yourself.

Bear with me. Um. I came across various testimonies on the net who apparently experienced healings of autism. People would pray "for brains to rewire" themselves. Parents would see gradual differences, with their child sleeping better, starting to speak, being less angry, becoming able to communicate in school and improve their cognitive skills. It was a process for them, but obviously by God's intervention.

Now, um... here's the thing. I am currently on my own healing journey and while this sounds incredibly insulting at first, it is my growing conviction that healing is fairly easy and that the only thing stopping us from getting miraculously healed by God's love is .... our own will.

We all say that of course we want to be healed. WHO WOULDN'T??? But.... do we? I mean, really? DO we?

I think the stumbling stone for us is actually the change that comes with healing. We, um... we want healing, but somehow, we don't want to change. We are terrified of change. Anything is possible with God, but we don't want "anything". Because we love ourselves and we may have lived with a disability for all our lives. It makes us who we are.

And if we got healed, that would change.

Imagine a limb growing out. A lame person walking. They wouldn't know what to do. They would feel alien in their own body, who they have known forever. Their whole lifestyle would change. They would have to get a job. They would have to live without aid, alone, a functioning human being all of a sudden.

It's TERRIFYING.

We want the healing, but we don't want to experience the radical and equally traumatising change that comes with it. It's understandable. Any disability grows on us, grows with us. Especially when our entire life centers around that disability, we legit do not know what to do with ourselves when we lose it.

We are MORTIFIED that we could lose ourselves.

But what is God's ideal? A fully functioning body. A fully functioning soul. A fully functioning brain. We are CALLED to be healthy, we are COMMANDED to be whole. Whether we want it or not.

So basically, the current predicament I think you find yourself in (and you're NOT the only one, it's perfectly natural, believe me) may be: You want to be healed and feel better, but you don't want to lose the autism because you would not know who you are without it.

These two statements cannot coexist.

And so my question to you would basically be: Does God's power over your life stop at your identity? Are you able to sacrifice your entire identity for his healing? Everything you have known? Can you surrender yourself and trust him to catch you? Can you trust that you are still loved even if you're brand new? Can you dare to believe that you will feel more like yourself than ever before, despite not yet knowing what that might possibly be like? Can you love him enough to obey him to be whole? To give the years you have lived, your whole existence, down to your very thoughts and neurons, into his hands, even if it takes years to adjust?

Your self?

I... don't know what to say to this ask, truly. I will think on it.

I suppose the other thing that occurs to me is more physical things, such as one of the things I hate about myself being the self harm scarring (of which there's... suffice it to say. A lot.). Do I believe that in theory, God could take that away and leave me unscarred? Yes, in theory. But in practise - well, his own Son still had scars that showed he'd lived. I don't know that God would heal such things.

I recently heard someone say something like 'God took the trouble to make you autistic, why would he not want that to be the case' which... I'm not 100% convinced of, but anyway.

As for whether I think autism is a disability? One. Thousand. Percent. I'm diagnosed with moderate support needs autism, level two, which while it's a more significant level than I expected (I expected level one or not at all), I can say that autism is disabling in some areas such as social things. It's in the condition. It's a disability.

As to your second assumption? Yes, Jesus has healing power and can heal anything. We can move mountains if we have enough faith. But why? If God's made me this way, well, this is the way he's made me. Why would he do that if he wanted me to be healed. I am aware there's some level of fallacy here, because of the miracles Jesus did on earth, but bear with me - we can move mountains, but why? We gotta be convinced that that's what God wants, right?

As to your third assumption - lol yes. That's all I'll say.

Fourth - where'd I say I didn't want to change anything about myself? There are many things I wish to change about myself, I just dunno how to.

Anyway, feel free to come back and chatter at me, whether via asks or dms or what have you. I'm here. Thanks for your ask.