#i am constantly having fish emotions

[lillybean730]

the problem with my pinned post rn is that i need to replace it with my commission info...

but fish emotions really speaks to me 😔

[leatherbookmark]

Huh... just connected the dots between my soul-crushing shame and inability to imagine myself "carelessly having fun" without feeling a Heavy Judging Gaze That Thinks I'm Such A Funny Stupid Little Baby on myself and like... my parents finding it the funniest thing in the world, worth bringing up over and over despite my discomfort, that I used to bob funnily to the music as a toddler

[kerokeeces]

ENHYPEN SFW hyung line fanfic recs!

who am I? im just silent reader who enjoys fics and want to help others find some of my favorites! srry im hee + hoon biased so most are about them

short fic - 1-5k words long fic - 5k+

HYUNG LINE

the look of love by @won4kiss - (how they look at you when they’re blinded by their love) - short fic

low power mode by @sungbeams - (when you get overwhelmed while you're out together) - text msgs

just a bet by @all4yoi - (after a few months of dating, you find out you were just a bet.) - short fic

HEESEUNG

sing me a song by @senascoop - (when you can't fall asleep and heeseung tries to help by singing you a song) - short fic

race to your heart by @coqhee - (lee heeseung who's always been a pro at racing takes on a change of pacing ; racing for your heart.) - long fic

uh oh im falling in love by @won4kiss - (you and heeseung have been rivals for as long as you could remember, constantly competing for the top spot in school—basically everything. living next door to each other only added to the fire, the tension between you, especially when heeseung’s cocky aura never seems to waver. but one single encounter shifts the entire dynamic, leading to confusing emotions arising, jealousy, and new surprising revelations. what happens when rivalry starts to feel like it’s growing into something more?) long fic

a stoner's guide to starbucks by @jayflrt - (in which you work at the starbucks where heeseung is a regular at (and considered a public enemy). also he only goes when he’s stoned off his ass.) - smau series

she knows her sour patch kids by @allforhee - (living under the protective eyes of your older brother, park sunghoon, he thinks he knows you the best. but litte does he know that heeseung knows you love your sour patch kids more than you love his usual swedish fish.) - short fic

win one win me by @jaylver - (who knew being angry and impulsive can get the captain of the hockey team to notice you? cussing them out when they were losing wasn't the best idea, but it definitely made lee heeseung's head turn, leading to him making a deal with you to win a game in order to get your number. but that wasn't enough for him, he was determined to make you his.) - long fic

from screens to scenes by @enreveriee - (you decide to give online dating a shot but have never met your boyfriend in person, nor do you even know what he looks like. when your friends pressure you into finally asking him out for a real-life date, things take a surprising turn. what you expected to be a simple meetup becomes an adventure filled with unexpected twists.) - long fic

taste of life by @mygnolia - (heeseung is invisible to everyone, robbed of recognition as people pass through and never acknowledge him. to live as a shadow who observes is hard—heeseung sinks into corners and simply wishes for a chance to be a part of something. but when you finally come to the biggest halloween party of the year and see him, he can’t help but be attached.) - short fic

bring the heat by @kairoot - (y/n has always disliked heeseung, the arrogant rising star of the racing scene. she especially dislikes him when he beats her brother in the city’s street racing round and takes it upon herself to do a rematch and race him. but when she gets herself stuck in a predicament, her enemy is the only one who can save her. maybe there’s more to heeseung than just his big ego.) - short fic

bjoux by @okikeu - (The fashion industry is difficult, so when the CEO of Korea's finest, luxury fashion brand, Le Désir, loses the most important ambassador of her career, her life is pretty much over. That is, until she finds a face that makes her previous fumble look like a simple marketing scheme.) - smau series

cliches are okay by @chogiwow - short fic

JAY

how you get the girl by @jaylver - (Beach parties are supposedly fun and exciting, aren’t they? Wrong. Experiencing college parties is rare for you, but you decided to give this one a go after your best friend’s constant pleas. Things were alright until everything turned sour when trouble found you and eventually you were roped into a fight alongside the campus’ famous hockey playboy. As if that wasn’t enough, the devil himself conjured up an idea that you found yourself being entangled in. It was all fun and games up until confusion arose, feelings being confessed and played, in the end, Jay had to learn how to get the girl, his girl.) - long fic

white corvette and lipstick by @okwonyo - (waiting for the cab with your boyfriend in the night.) - short fic

pictures enhypen send you of bf!jay by @ddksoo - fake texts

fast forward by @asahicore - (After yet another romantic disappointment in the form of one Jake Sim, you go to the well you’ve always believed to grant wishes and ask for your one and true love to appear. That night, you go to sleep in your bed but wake up in a strange house. When you head downstairs, you find a man washing the dishes and telling you your favorite meal is waiting on the table for you. You’ve spent hours glaring at the back of that head, you could recognize it anywhere—it belongs to none other than Park Jongseong, your high school sworn enemy… and future husband, or so it seems.) - long fic

JAKE

bed chem by @cupidhoons - (your friend sets you up with a cute aussie boy at her party) - short fic

texts with bestfriend!jake by @silquids - text msgs

found you by @whjluv - (jake is very well known and loved by everybody on campus. equally popular was his relationship with the captain of the volleyball team, haneul. even more popular, sadly, is his breakup after more than a year. the months following the event take a significant toll on jake, who becomes unrecognizable. his once sweet, friendly and pure nature is replaced by a constant gloomy and somber aura. what happens when this new version of jake sim unexpectedly clashes with a very straightforward and quite intimidating member of the school’s podcast?) - long fic

SUNGHOON

deep honey by @paarksunghoon - (the last thing you want to do is interrupt sunghoon’s time with his friends, but your doting boyfriend has always said he’ll be there whenever you need him. when a shift at work leaves you hanging by a thread, he and his friends are there to patch your soul back up.) - short fic

cafeteria confessions by @reinahwanggg - (everyone thinks you're dating your childhood best friend sunghoon. well, everyone including sunghoon because he confessed to you almost a year ago and you didn't exactly know it was a confession because of how casually he said it.) - short fic

sunghoon with a crush on you by @woniecore - smau

get well soon by @senascoop - (You’ve always considered yourself a good person—kind, forgiving, and patient. But Sunghoon tested every bit of that. One reckless, drunken drive was all it took for him to flip your life upside down, leaving you temporarily confined to a wheelchair. The inconvenience was more than just physical; it was a wound to your pride and independence. Sunghoon, however, refused to walk away from his mistake. Guilt-ridden and determined to make amends, he became a constant presence in your life—covering your medical bills, offering you emotional support, and sticking around even when you wished he wouldn’t.) - long fic

love on air by @pshbites - (two podcast groups, both equally popular on the internet, start interacting with one another. however it isnt how fans want it to be.. OR yn sees sunghoon hating on lauryn hill and accidentally starts an entire fanwar with him.) - smau series

the 24-hour dating challenge by @jaeyunverse - (being a famous youtuber isn’t easy, especially when you have to constantly come up with new ideas to keep your audience entertained. and this time, your viewers want you to date park sunghoon, your best friend of nearly a decade, for the entirety of 24 hours.) - long fic

[chipperchemical]

assigning a devastating quote to each Life Series member because i want to ruin your day (feel free to suggest alternatives!)

Bdubs - "I love you. It will end." (Anna Belle Kaufman, "Cold Solace")

BigB - "I never expected you to actually finish anything. You were always leaving. I always picture you with a suitcase in your hand." (Margarita Karapanou)

Etho - "What are you doing, you wretch, killing your own son, burning him, it's the same old story, it starts with a lamb and ends with the murder of the person you should love most." (José Saramago, "Cain")

Gem - "God never gave me a single useable passion, but did give me sharp teeth and a strong jaw." (Traci Brimhall, "The Fate of my Seven Husbands")

Scar - "It was then that Sisyphus realised the gods must be gone, that his wings were nothing more than a perception of their absence. He dared to raise his fist to the sky. Nothing, gloriously, happened. Then a different terror overtook him." (Stephen Dunn, "Sisyphus and The Sudden Lightness")

Grian - "You're addicted to loneliness and desperation. It's the strongest emotion you've ever known, so your subconscious tells you that it's your destiny. You will be alone always and then you will die." (Heather Havrilesky, entry for the "Ask Polly" column)

Impulse - "Grieving, grieving, constantly grieving. I mourn what could have been, what will not be, what I can't save." (tumblr user "ojibwa")

Martyn - "Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was always just red." (Kait Rokowski)

Lizzie - "This was always going to happen. She's been dead since the beginning." (Aeschylus, "The Oresteia")

Mumbo - "I beg you, eat me up. Want me down to the marrow." (Hélène Cixous, "The Love of the Wolf")

Pearl - "You want to be loved if only to prove it possible: to tell the world that someone saw you as a conquest and came back alive." (Silas Denver Melvin, "Love as an Act of Merciful Conquer")

Ren - "My God, my God, whose performance am I watching? How many people am I? Who am I? What is this space between myself and myself?" (Fernando Pessoa, "The Book of Disquiet")

Skizz - "Better creatures could love you, I know. But now they'll have to get through me." (tumblr user "ihopewestay")

Scott - "She decides God is no good, but he must exist, he must exist so she can hold him accountable." (Ada Limón, "The Echo Sounder")

Joel - "I've always preferred Cain. His angry loneliness, his lack of mother's love, his Christian sarcasm: "Am I my brother's keeper?" asks his brother's murderer. Aren't we indeed the keepers of our dead?" (Valzhyna Mort, "Genesis")

Jimmy - "I won't last. Memory is sweet. Even when it's painful, memory is sweet." (Li-Young Lee, "Mnemonic")

Tango - "Isn't all that rage so ugly? And isn't it mine, still? Good God, isn't it mine?" (Ashe Vernon, "Buried")

Cleo - "God is fucking with my oblivion. If he wanted forgiveness, he shouldn't have given us memory." (Vi Khi Nao, "Fish In Exile")

[bonesy-doodles]

TELL US ALL OF YOUR GHOUL HEADCANONS ‼️🙏💕

I mean, you asked for this!!! This is probably not all of my headcanons, just the ones I could remember off the top of my head, as this is all still a work in progress for me!

I will also include the Ghouls pictures again so people can refer back their designs cause I do touch on design choices for them as they, to me, are included in headcanons as every makes their ghouls unique on some way.

Okay, first up!

DEWDROP!!

There’s a lot for this man. So, Dewdrop used to be a water ghoul, however he’s not a multighoul like Swiss, Sunshine and Aurora because his element was transmuted during the binding ritual when he was passed from Terzo to Copia. So, my brain thought “what is water-like fire” and it landed on magma! So that’s why he looks volcanic. His gills closed over and became lava cracks, his fish scales became reptilian, and now he runs hot like a furnace. His ears are pointed like fire ghouls, but have points kinda like fish fins still. Dew also has fire manipulation and can essentially ignite fires (commits minor arson constantly) but that’s how he lights his cigarettes. He still has retained a great lung capacity and can hold his breath long enough to almost rival Rain’s infinite breath. The biggest trouble maker of the Ghouls and the worst influence on newer ghouls (i.e Phantom). He’s the shortest of the dudes, but makes up for it by setting you on fire if you make short jokes.

Also!!! I am a defender of the dark-hair Dewdrop design!! I know it’s very common for him to have blonde or white hair, but it was just not giving for this design. I tried, I promise! (I’m glad I’ve been seeing people love it though! My agenda is spreading!)

For fire ghoul visuals, I definitely focused on emulating glowing flame visuals, using red, orange, yellow, and white to give that effect with browns and blacks to make them look crispy. Scales and long pointed ears that go upward are also common for fire ghouls.

PHANTOM

Quintessence Ghouls are basically space and/or ghostly types of ghouls, as quintessence to me is everything between the elements and makes up everything (like stardust!!) Phantom, as a Quintessence ghoul can “see beyond the elements” with what I call aura reading at the moment, like seeing vibes and emotions. They can also float! Or slow their falls essentially. Not really fly like air ghouls. Phantom is actually, to me, one of the three most chaotic ghouls, alongside Dew and Swiss, and causes a lot of chaos at the Ministry. My favorite joke with my two wives who I discuss all this lore with often is that Phantom once pissed in the Unholy Water Bowl in the West Chapel right before a midnight mass, which caused a lot of problems for the Ghoul Den Overseer. Just to illustrate the shit Phantom pulls at the Ministry.

But specifically for Phantoms visuals, he reminds me of the moon, the tone of gray, his swirling vitiligo-esc patches. He has really dark eyes which is not very common for Quintessence ghouls.

AETHER

The second tallest and most beefiest of all the Ghouls. I mean, have you seen the arms on that man!!!! Like Phantom, Aether has the aura reading ability and is the expert at floating and slowing his falls (it’s how he achieves all the wild jumps on stage, like dude gets air time). His freckles actually form constellations, and on his shoulder you can see the Big Dipper cause he’s a big guy (yes that’s the joke, that’s why I gave him the Big Dipper). Aether acts as one of the minders of the Ghoul Den, kind of like the exasperated dad of the group. Tries his best to fix the chaos the other Ghouls cause to lessen the work of the Ghoul Den Overseer, put out Dew’s fires, etc. Also a fuzzy guy, which is uncommon for Quintessence ghouls, like he’s so soft somehow.

For Quintessence Ghoul designs, I really wanted to focus on the space aspect. All of them have space freckles, and their horns all swirl in some way (Phantom and Auroras swirling physically, and Aethers have swirling grooves/markings on them). Also, their ears are bovine-like in someways, cause I’ve always categorized Aether as like a space cow in my head. Their color palettes usually veer towards magenta, purple, and indigo (cause those are my favorite colors and Quintessence ghouls are my favorite).

RAIN

As a water ghoul, Rain has gills, fins on various parts of his body, and webbed fingers and toes (it’s a bit freaky). Also, serrated teeth like a piranha. If you’ve ever touched a fish, that wet feeling of their scales is how it feels to touch him. He can breathe underwater with his gills and will often be found in the lakes on the Ministry’s grounds when he needs to chill. His tail is a bit thick than other ghouls, as well as finned to help with swimming. Also water manipulation abilities! (It’s giving Cleo from H2O). He’s also bioluminescent! His scales and the lighter markings on him all glow

He does participate in problem causing sometimes, but is also exasperated mom of the group (cue his disappointed mom pose of hands on hips). Aether and Rain are the duo that hold Dew up by his arms while he’s trying to sprint towards trouble. Rain often has his hair pulled back in pony tails, or braided as he has a lot of hair, and it’s gets in the way while he’s swimming.

Water ghouls in general have everything above that I’ve already mentioned for Rain, all the fish like aspects. They tend to be blue toned and have a variety of scale coloration, often green, blue and purple in tones (duochrome, iridescent, pearlescent, etc).

MOUNTAIN

Biggest of the Ghouls and third beefiest! He’s also fuzzy! Mountain has a connection with the earth (duh, all earth ghouls do), which allows them to feel the “heartbeat of the earth”, gives them that killer rhythm on the drums. He’s big into growing plants and taking care of the Ministry’s gardens, which he excels in as Earth ghouls also can affect plant growth as well as other earth things like soil. The flowers behind his ear in the art are actually Belladonna, also known as Deadly Nightshade!

Mountain also has two ways to shift himself, one being normal legs and his most natural ghoul state is hoofed/goat legs, which is why he doesn’t like wearing shoes (it’s a weird feeling). His horns are gigantic as Earth ghoul horns tend to be, and have a cracked earth/clay patterning (his very first design iteration had cracked clay skin, but I did not like how it looked). His coloration and markings are very deer like, along with his ears. Mountain is very quiet compared to the rest of the Ghouls, he gives cryptid energy while at the Ministry.

Earth ghouls in general tend to lean towards more green and brown tones, with the previously mentioned giant horns. They can also have a variety of mammal like variations to them, but the most common is forest animals like deer, beer, wolves, coyotes, etc. They tend to be the fluffiest of the ghouls, and also the biggest. It’s just natural for them to be tall.

SWISS

Being a multighoul of all elements, he basically is a shadow ghoul (mix all paint colors and you get dark brown/black was my idea). He’s the third tallest and the second beefiest ghoul. Swiss has shadow manipulation abilities and can kinda merge into the shadows, which he uses to sneak around, cause problems and prank people. Also as a multighoul of all elements, he can kind of emulate abilities of other elements, like him being able to hold his breathe underwater longer than natural, his singing voice is siren-like similar to air ghouls, etc. He’s also fuzzy!!

Also, Swiss is the biggest accessorizer and has the most piercings of all the ghouls. He likes how it gives him some pizzazz. Also has gifted every ghoul at least one set of jewelry they are ornamented with (thought it was funny to get Dew the upside cross earrings).

And Satanas, the shit this man gets up to. There is a reason he’s on his stage of shame most of the time. Swiss enables all of Dew’s chaos with a giant smile on his face. It’s like winding up a toy and letting it spin.

Little side note about Multighouls, there are only two all element Multighouls in the Ministry, one being Swiss, the other actually being Phil! The Special Ghoul! He was once seen playing several instruments, signifying his elemental range, but tends to keep to himself compared to Swiss.

AURORA

The newest multighoul, and second multighoulette! Aurora is dual elemental, Air and Quintessence which together makes her embody an Aurora Borealis (her name sake). With her two elements, she gets her skin coloration and patterning, eyes, and swirling horn from her Quintessence aspect. Her space freckles are a bit more on the bluer side due to the air aspect however, as well as her second set of horns as air ghouls often have two sets of horns or two pronged horns. Her ears are bovine and bat-like. She has smaller wings compared to a full air ghoul, but her floating ability also helps. It’s a very interesting combo to watch. Also, her hair is just naturally like that, no hair dye involved. Don’t ask her how it changes color as it grows, she doesn’t know.

Aurora is probably the most energetic of the Ghoulettes, and is besties with Swiss. Is constantly helping him get into shit. In general is an accomplice to Swiss and the Ghoulettes. She loves being involved in the shit they all pull. And despite her stature, as the shortest of all the Ghouls, she will body a bitch (the shorter you are the closer to hell you get)!

CUMULUS

The biggest, fluffiest hair. It’s so long and so much and it’s her pride and joy! It’s how she got the name Cumulus because of how much it reminded Copia of cumulus clouds. As an Air ghoul, Cumulus has large bat-like wings that allow her to fly. They can be folded and retracted if need be as they can get in the way. In the Ghoul Den, the Air Ghouls have a loft only accessible to those with wings, or if you tempt fate and get someone to throw you. Cumulus’s air ghoul horns formed in the shape of crescents, so she doesn’t have two sets, instead is categorized as two pronged.

As previously mentioned, Air ghouls have siren-like voices (referencing Greek myth sirens being bird women) and Cumulus is the epitome of this ability. Can get people to do her bidding just by whispering sweet words into their ears.

Cumulus and Cirrus are a duo, as they were summoned together and bonded over being Air Ghoulettes, if you see one of them, the other is not far away or far behind.

CIRRUS

The tallest of the Ghoulettes and somehow the chillest comparative to the others. She’s still a ghoul though, so the chaos scale is broken anyway. As previously mentioned, she is Cumulus’s other half and visually is opposite of her on many ways. Darker, straight hair which is uncommon for Air ghouls, along with darker eyes. She also has the biggest wing span of all the Air Ghouls, and is the fastest with Sunshine a close second. Her vocals are second to Cumulus’s however. Not nearly at the level of controlling, but she can still bring anyone to their knees if need be.

Truly, Cumulus and Cirrus are a power couple amongst the Ghouls because their siren abilities affect Ghouls as well, just to a lesser degree, so if need be (with a good enough bribe) they can put a pause on the chaos if it gets too out of hand. The bribe has to be really good like, they like watching shit get crazy.

SUNSHINE

Finally, Sunshine. The first multighoulette summoned, and her dual elements are Air and Fire. Her fire like appearance veered away from volcanic like Dew to being like Sun Spots (areas on the sun that are darker than the rest of it) and that’s why her scales are rounded compared to Dew’s. Her wings are also smaller like Aurora’s, still bat-like but also gives dragon because of the reptilian aspect of Fire ghouls. She does have two sets of horns which she likes to ornament like Swiss.

Sunshine and Aurora bond over being air based multighoulettes and also have joined the multighoul secret club with Swiss and Phil. What do they do there? Well, it’s a secret of course. It wouldn’t be a secret club otherwise!

Also, there have been several cases of arson that have been committed that were blamed on Dewdrop, but were actually done by Sunshine, but she’s a great liar and loves getting Dew in trouble. She like orchestrates that shit.

Now that I’ve touched upon all of the air ghouls, basically, air ghouls tend to be either teal or yellow in tone, usually with cloud like markings (however Aurora and Sunshine’s dual elements change that). Their ears tend to be bat shaped, along with them sporting the large bat wings that give them the ability to fly. There have been cases, however, that air ghouls have feathered wings, the only known case being the first summoned keyboardist, aptly named Air. No one knows why he’s the only one, he just claims it’s cause he’s cool like that. Also mentioned the siren like voices, it’s not a universal Air ghoul ability, some more attuned with it than others, but it’s quite common seeing as all four Ghoulettes along with Swiss possess the ability to some degree (Air does not because he’s not cool like that).

GHOULS IN GENERAL

Kind of wanted to go into some general stuff for the ghouls within the Ministry and the Summoning process.

When a Ghoul is summoned by a Papa (the only person really sanctioned to summon ghouls with some exceptions of course), they are bound to that Papa, with some sort of mark to signify this binding. For the Papas, they each use their individual grucifixes as this marking (Copia’s ghouls were for a while marked with the basic Grucifix because he was initially a Cardinal. Technically, during that Era, the Ghouls should have been bound to Nihil, however Sister Imperator pulled the exception card for her little Cardi. Once Copia became Papa, the binding ritual was redone to remark them with his new grucifix). All of the ghouls do have grucifixes essentially tattooed onto their body in different locations, but there’s a lot of development for that and some still undecided so that can’t wait until I’ve drawn full bodies for all the ghouls.

Also, mentioned a few times in this was the Ghoul Den Overseer, who is actually a Sibling of Sin character of mine (because I over indulge myself and this is my lore interpretation anyway, I do what I want). Their “confirmation” name (christened? Sataned?) is Rigoria/Rigorian, last name Mortuous. Yes, it’s a play on Rigor Mortis but my name is literally Bones. I will be drawing them as well at some point so I can show you guys my interpretation of the Siblings of Sins in different Papal Eras.

[yannaryartside]

CARMY NEVER WANTED TO CREATE A MENU WITH SYD.

AND WHY THAT IS THE CORE THEME OF THE SHOW

PART 1: THE LIE THAT CARMY BELIEVES

So, one of the bases of creating an efficient character arc is to give the character something they want, and something they need. In the pursuit of getting what they want, the theme of the show and obstacles will show them what they need. Most of the time, they need healing from an emotional wound that prevents them from growing into the ultimate version of themselves, capable of winning the challenges of the story. I will try to explore Carmy's wound and, more importantly, the lie that created that wound.

In 'The negative trait thesaurus" by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi, it reads:

"Wounds are often kept secret from others because embedded within them is the lie-an untruth that the character believes about himself."

When I started therapy (disclaimer: this is not professional advice; I am just talking from how I interpreted all of this), I was introduced to the concept of "limiting beliefs:" lies we have told ourselves about our own nature or the nature of the world. The most difficult beliefs to leave behind are those established in our early childhoods, and we told ourselves those lies to make sense of the world, to make peace with realities we were not equipped to comprehend yet. 

Some examples of lies people belive:

"I am too stupid to learn anything; my teacher said so" "It was my fault that I was molested." "I am a bad person for wanting a different life."

When people believe these lies, they will act accordingly, maybe attracting situations that hurt them but keeping the lie active in their lives. They may self-sabotage or create bonds with people who also believe the lie, even if it doesn't seem this way. 

In some cases, people may develop complete personalities or behaviors to prove the lie wrong, but deep down, they still believe in the lie. Carmy falls into this last category. This is where we find the most contradictory parts of his personality, how he can act shy and insecure in some instances and appear confident and even aggressive in others. 

Long post underneath.

THE RESENT OF A MOTHER:

We can only assume here because I think Storer is gonna let us know more about this soon, but I think I got an idea of this wound when I saw the only moment Carmy was alone with Donna on "Fishes."

I have a lot of things to say about Donna herself, but let's begin with the obvious: the conversation in this scene had little to do with the dinner itself. This was a woman stating that she felt alone and not valued, probably due to being abandoned by her husband and having to overwork herself at the beef to support her 3 kids, all while being a single mother. We don't know if this feeling of abandonment is something she has carried since childhood, but in the state of current womanhood, it wouldn't be uncommon. The work of women (especially mothers), particularly the emotional labor, is rather invisible and not valued at all.

But again, this is something she has used as fuel to resent her kids, who, at the end of the day, didn't ask to be here. Her anger has to go somewhere since she cannot direct it toward the people that ctually caused it. To get to the point:

THE BEARZATTO SYBLING DYNAMIC

Carmy said, "You are not alone; I am here with you." (This kind of comes back to telling Syd she was not alone at the end of the season.) This scene is about a kid trying to communicate to his mother that he loves her and trying desperately to connect with her, to get her to express her affection for him as well.

It tells me that growing up, he felt like he had to "earn" her affection. Donna likes to make her kids feel guilty about her unhappiness, so the kids feel that they are constantly walking on shells because they think their mother hates them, or at least that she resents them and that it is their responsibility to fix it.

In the scene, Carmy asked,

"What is so hard, Mom?"

I think what he was actually asking is, "What is so hard about being with us, to love us? What did we do to you that made you resent us this way?" He is asking because he wants to know, to finally understand. Why do you drink, Mom? Why do you yell? Why do you say such hurtful things?

When she answers, "Nobody makes things beautiful for me," you can see in his face the disconnection. He knows he can't do anything about that.

Then, a crucial part in the scene occurs when Donna calls him "Michael, " which indicates that the only one of her children who could make her feel happy was Michael, or at least that is how the other two kids felt. You can see the hurt in Carmy's eyes in the scene because this answer dismisses his effort to connect to his mother in his own right. She asks him to just leave. He offers to wait to connect with her. Then, it comes to the most chilling moment on the scene, the "we have a problem" using his full name, with resentment in every word. She hugs him while crying, kisses him, and then slaps him.

This is rejection. There is a book called "The Five Wounds of the Soul": wich are Rejection, Abandonment, Humiliation, Betrayal, and Injustice. I think Carmy's wound is rejection, for never earning his mother's love, particularly comparing himself to Michael.

Michael took responsibility for the Beef, finally giving their mom a break. It was Michael's job to make sure everyone was having a good time, to compensate for the discomfort that caused being in Donna's presence, to make sure all of them stayed as a family, which was Donna's intention, so Michael thought he had to make that happen for her. Therefore, Michael is the only one of her kids who succeeds and makes her happy. We know Donna rejects Natalie and Carmy. About Natalie, we can write another whole essay.

THE LIE THAT CARMY BELIVES

According to this scene, I think Carmy thinks that her mother didn't love him because he is not Michael; in fact, he is the most "not like Michael" someone could be. He was shy and stuttered and didn't have friends or girlfriends, comparable to Michael's ability to control every room he was in. Carmy was sensible and no macho alfa as Michael presented himself to be. Carmy left home and the family business, and both Michael and Donna expressed that they feel like he thinks he is better than them. Michael admitted later to admiring Carmy's work in Copenhagen, but Donna never did. carmy grew up having to live with the crumbles of Donna's attention that Michael left behind, wondering every day what was so wrong with him that made her reject him, and wondering what he could do to change that.

The lie that Carmy belives, could be sumarize this way:

I need to earn people's love. I need to always go the extra mile, doing the most possible at all times to earn people's love.

This all goes back to his trauma with Michael. It goes back to his career as a chef and how he became the best. He didn't need to succeed on a larger scale in the culinary industry to earn Michael's respect and love; he needed to be the best in the world, so he did that. He judges his own social abilities, comparing them to Miachae's. He left that promising career only because of Michae's death. He got the girlfriend Michael wanted for him (not saying it was the only reason, but it was there).

PART 2: WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS HAD TO DO WITH SYDNEY?

Well, what does a person who feels they always need to do the most? They do the most. I want to bring you back to the moments Carmy had to develop menu ideas with Syd on s1 and s2.

When Syd suggested items for the menu in s1, he gave her an inconclusive, not enthusiastic "maybe."

When she had to actually cook the thing for him to approve, he tried to make her feel small about it. He felt the need to remind her that she was "impatient and green," according to her previous bosses. He commented about her possibly ruining the flow by using time to cook her recipe. Yikes all around, but the core here is that he was treating her like an enemy, like competition, while she was trying to save the restaurant with what they had on hand to use the most efficient solution.

Then, when Carmy tries the dish and feels stunned by it, he has to make an ambiguous excuse on the fly and just finishes every chance of them using the recipe by saying, "is not ready yet"

And what does he do next? He goes to show the crew a recipe that is extremely complicated for the level they are operating at currently—they said so themselves. I think the recipe is a variation of Donna's butter chicken recipe. To put a nail on that coffin of his intentions to earn her love and approval at the end of it all.

But why does he do all this? Because he needs to be the hero, subconsciously, he is still that small kid begging for acceptance and love; he must go the extra mile. He cannot accept Sydney's help and partnership, because that will take away from him earning what he wants on his own merit.

In S2, he seems unenthusiastic about starting the menu in the first place. Then Claire comes along, and he tries to make it work with Syd and the menu, but I think he subconsciously thanks the universe for not having to go to his core wound. That is what self-sabotage is. That is why he bailed on the food tour with Syd, using such a stupid excuse as helping somebody else move out and never mentioning it again. He never asked her what she liked or what ideas she thought of. For most of the creative process, Syd is alone, working on her own creative crisis. The menu ends up being like two recipes they made in collaboration and then all of his family's traditional recipes. It is two of Syd's recipes and the rest of Carmy's. Then, desserts Marcus did on his own. The collaboration was superficial at best.

All of this creates the core theme of the show. The Bear was once a chaotic place (like their childhood home) that needs to evolve into an efficient, peaceful place built on love, support, and mutual collaboration like a functional family should be. Sydney is the member of this found family that forces Carmy to confront his core wound and learn he can actually be good enough while still accepting help. Therapy probably will play an important part in this theme, alongside with Carmy learning there was nothing wrong with him in the first place, that earning your parent's love is not something a kid can do.

Thankyou for reading. Gif and images are not mine.

[jennelikejennay]

One thing that bugs me about the way Vulcans are usually depicted (with some lovely exceptions) is that their philosophy—logic, or the teachings of Surak, for short I'm just going to call it Surakianism—is very often shown as a bad thing. Either that, or Vulcans aren't following it at all.

Writing about religion (and I do think Surakianism is best approached as a religion*) is always fraught. Because generally as a writer, you don't actually practice the faith in question, so naturally you'll have an outside view. That's doubly true of Surakianism, a way of life humans basically can't follow and it would probably be bad for us to try.

[*I know they don't call it a religion. But the way it deeply affects the interior life of Vulcans, their ethics, and so on feels very religious to me. It doesn't seem to have a position on theism; Vulcans get their beliefs about god(s) from elsewhere, such as traditional Vulcan polytheism and their own perceptions of the universe. But the way it exists as a social structure AND a guide to the inner self is absolutely religious to me.]

We are told that Vulcans developed this philosophy specifically because they needed it—they were destroying themselves without it! Their emotions were overpowering and violent, and they were clannish to the extreme. So despite what most of the human characters say, especially Bones, I think the path of logic is a good thing for Vulcans, even if humans don't get it at all.

Surak's teachings can be summed up into three basic points (a Vulcan somewhere just raised an eyebrow clear into their bangs at this oversimplification, but I'm doing my best here):

1. Logic, or the use of reason as a guide and the control of emotions

2. Nonviolence

3. IDIC—infinite diversity in infinite combinations.

Of course we only ever hear about the first one, because that's part humans notice. I'd say it was like reducing Catholics to fish Fridays and Mormons to underwear, but that's exactly what people do, so I guess it's understandable.

But I think the ordering goes the other way for Vulcans. First, acknowledge that others are of value, including and especially when they're different from you. Then, do them no harm. And finally, to achieve that goal, control your wild, violent emotions.

People imagine pre-reform Vulcans a lot of ways (and I never get tired of reading about them), but I think the best guide as to what they're like is by looking at Romulans. Romulans aren't wildly expressive with their emotions, we're certainly not talking about people who would otherwise be laughing and crying constantly. Instead, they're secretive and carry long, hateful grudges. They're loyal only to those closest to them, and they seem entirely without empathy otherwise.

Imagine the Vulcan emotions are like that. They have strong bonds to their clan, probably in part because of their telepathy. They're suspicious of outsiders, angry, prone to violence. Preferring the familiar is an instinct in humans too, but a mild one. Certainly humans have been and still are racist, but it's something we can generally overcome. I'm not sure the Vulcans could, not by relying on their emotions.

So they came up with the solution to control their emotions completely. Use reason instead as a guide to behavior, because logic will tell you that your own clan is not more important than another, and that reaching out in peace is beneficial to yourself and others. Don't give your emotions any credence and don't let them run wild.

Humans do some of this ourselves, and should arguably be doing more. We spend a huge chunk of our childhood learning to control antisocial impulses like screaming, hitting, and biting. We demonstrate self control in many tiny, unnecessary ways, in order to show to others that we are in control of ourselves: stuff like etiquette, social rules, even just leaving the last cookie on the tray for someone else. These are signals that say I am not governed by my appetites; I can be trusted to consider the needs of others.

And we could obviously be doing more. Too many political questions are being answered by people's emotional, knee-jerk responses like "I feel threatened by people who are different" or "I am angry about my enemies and want them punished" instead of "what produces the most benefit for everyone?" If we leaned more heavily on logic and reason to get us our answers, we'd make way better decisions than we do. Star Trek doesn't often acknowledge that in real life, making a snap gut decision doesn't actually have a very high success rate. Logic gives you better odds of saving the day.

But, you might say, Vulcans aren't doing very well at any of this. A heck of a lot of them that we've seen are racist. And while they repress their emotions just great, they don't actually make the most logical decisions most of the time.

But I don't think this actually discredits a religion at all. We all know Christians who are great at the easy parts of their religion—learning Bible verses or saying rosaries—but don't seem to be even trying to love their neighbor. That's in fact the way religions are usually practiced! External elements that people can easily see (like never smiling) are adhered to by social pressure, but more heart-level things are aspirational at best. That doesn't mean the message of a religion is bad; it doesn't really tell us anything.

This is especially true for a religion whose practice isn't optional. You have to follow Surak to stay on the planet. I can see this rule was necessary during the time when the Romulans were kicked out—pacifism doesn't work as a global solution unless everybody's doing it. Now, it seems a bit harsh. I think they get around it by not exiling anybody who's at least giving lip service to logic. That racist baseball guy in DS9 isn't a good Vulcan, but as long as he doesn't do anything violent or openly reject Surak, they're willing to say he counts.

Why are Vulcans so often the opposite of what their religion teaches? I think it's the other way around: their religion focuses specifically on their chief faults: clannishness, racism, ego. It just hasn't successfully transformed everyone. Makes perfect sense, really. We might as well ask why Christianity goes on and on about sex when humans are well known to be super obsessed with sex. Well that's WHY! It's one of our strongest impulses which in the past we felt the most desperate need to control.

The best argument against Surakianism is that total repression isn't the best way to handle emotion, that we need self-awareness of our emotions before we can account for them.

To which all I can say is, don't you think Vulcans know that?

I imagine there are lots and lots of viewpoints on this among Vulcans. Some favor repression and some favor understanding and acceptance; some think it's okay to have a little dry humor and some think we should be serious. We have the kolinahri who believe in the excision of all emotion (which I imagine is universally seen as extreme, like we might see cloistered nuns or monks who reject the world to achieve enlightenment). And surely there are ancient, wise Vulcans who deeply understand all their emotional impulses and are completely in control of them. Spock certainly seems this way by the movie era if not before: he knows that he has emotions, what they are, and how to respond to them. He has overcome the emotion of shame. So he seems not impassive on the outside, but a person at complete peace inside and out.

I just feel like we could stand to see more good Surakians, who are good not in spite of their belief in logic, but because of it. Kind of like how we see both good and bad followers of the Prophets on Bajor. I'm kind of anti religion myself, but I still want to see it given its due—especially a religion founded on such good principles. Sure, it's not a religion humans can really practice, nor need—a good half of our emotions are positive and pro-social, so it's no wonder a person like Bones would be convinced Vulcans are just punishing themselves unnecessarily. But it successfully turned Vulcan from a planet so violent it almost destroyed itself to a home of peace and learning. Of course Vulcans aren't going to mess with what works!

That has been my rant about logic for today. I highly recommend @dduane 's book Spock's World for a much deeper dive into logic and the path Vulcan took to get there.

[corroded-hellfire]

Jitters - Eddie Munson x Reader

An As You Wish story

Collaboration with my darling @munson-blurbs

Summary: It's the first day of school for the Munson children--ever for Eliza, but their dad is being the biggest baby of them all.

Note: With all the back-to-school excitement going on I thought, "What would Eddie be like when Eliza first starts school?" So, voila. As always, I am so thankful for all of you who read and have the loveliest things to say 💕

Words: 3.2k

[As You Wish masterlist]

If someone were to take bets on which Munson is the most miserable on the first day of school, they might pick Ryan. Sixteen years old, starting his junior year, and seemingly irritated by every move someone makes. 

They might pick fourteen-year-old Luke, the Tasmanian Devil himself, constantly lamenting about how boring his teachers are. 

Or they might pick Eliza, no longer getting to be the big fish in the daycare’s small pond, but now a full-fledged preschooler—one who is not happy about getting up early. 

Any of these would be fine guesses. But they would also be dead wrong. 

“My babies are all grown up!” Eddie bemoans, watching Eliza slide a comically oversized Little Mermaid backpack over her tiny shoulders. He stares at his sons as they shove their feet into their new sneakers, conveniently ignoring the repeated warnings not to break their shoes. 

Ryan catches his dad looking at them and rolls his eyes. “Take a picture; it’ll last longer,” he quips, groaning when Eddie dashes into the bedroom to grab his camera. “Crap, I didn’t mean literally.”

“Swear jar!” Luke chirps, all-too excited to catch his big brother slipping up. 

“‘Crap’ isn’t a swear word, dumbass.”

“Another dollar in the swear jar!” Luke roars, nearly colliding with the wall as he darts away from Ryan before the elder boy can get his hands on him. 

You give the two boys a biting glare from across the room. If you can't keep them from using bad language all the time, they at least need to adhere to the rule when their little sister is in the room. Luckily, Eliza is currently admiring her new black Mary Jane shoes and was paying no mind to what was happening around her. 

Before Ryan and Luke can start bickering again, you herd them over to the side of the living room where the lighting is the best for pictures. 

“Come on, come on,” you say as you practically push them across the space. “Dad’s getting the camera, let’s get this show on the road.” 

Ryan groans and drops his head back in irritation. “Can’t you just take some of Eliza? You have enough of us.”

“We never have enough of you,” you tell him, moving towards him on instinct to press a kiss to the top of his head—only to come face to face with the reminder that he’s taller than you now. “Eliza, come on over here, baby girl.”

Eliza looks up from where she’s now inspecting the pink overall dress she’s wearing. Her two curly little pigtails bounce with every motion. She hikes up her green sparkly princess backpack as she skips towards you. She becomes derailed, however, when Eddie walks back into the room. Eliza diverts her attention and makes a not-quite-a-surprise attack on his legs.

“Rawr! Gotchu Daddy!”

“Oh no!” Eddie feigns, clasping the camera to his chest. “I guess I can’t take you to preschool then, huh? Such a shame.”

“Nice try,” you tell him. “She’s still going.” 

Eddie’s brows furrow together in another one of the little pouts he’s been giving you for the past few days. He thinks his baby girl is growing up too fast—does he think you don’t feel the same way? You just don’t show your emotions as expressively as your husband does. 

“She’s only three,” Eddie says about your daughter. “Shouldn’t we wait until she’s at least four?”

“She’ll be four next month, Eddie,” you remind him. “This is when she’s supposed to start preschool.” 

The sullen father has nothing to say in response to that, so he just looks down at the camera and fiddles with it, making sure there’s enough film and that it’s on the right settings. You take the opportunity to walk over towards Ryan.

“Was he this bad when Luke started school?” you ask in a hushed voice. 

Ryan considers it for a moment before shrugging. “In my childhood mind, no. But I also used to believe it when Dad told me I’d look like Popeye if I ate my spinach, so who knows?”

“I can only imagine how he was with you.” With a small smirk, you grab Ryan’s arms and give him a small shake from side to side. “His first born,” you coo in a sickeningly sweet tone. Ryan shoos you away from him, but you can see the smile on his face that he’s trying his damndest to hide. 

In the meantime, Luke grabs a Kleenex box from the kitchen counter, lowering onto bended knee and presenting it to Eddie. 

“A gift for thou, Sir Sobs-a-Lot,” he says, adopting an exaggerated British accent. 

Eddie thumps him on the back of the head, but takes a tissue regardless. 

“Wayne always said I’d be screwed if my kids were as weird as me,” he muses. 

“Dad,” Luke fake-whines, “don’t say that about Eliza!”

Eliza furrows her little eyebrows and makes a run for her brother, charging towards him like a provoked rhinoceros. 

Luke is quicker, though, and holds her prisoner against his chest with a menacing cackle.  

“Mean brother,” Eliza mumbles, face smushed against him. 

He grins triumphantly. “That’s why you love me so much.” He presses a big smacking kiss to her cheek and lets her go, gasping in feigned offense when she wipes it away and wanders back to Eddie.

“Time for school! Let’s gooooooo, Daddy!” She takes his hand and tugs him towards the door, equal parts eager and exasperated. 

Eddie obliges, but you can tell that this isn’t easy for him. “Why is she so eager to leave?” he asks you under his breath. “Ryan and Luke were practically wrapped around my ankles begging me to let them stay home.”

“I think she’s just excited to meet new friends and learn new things!” you say with a smile, trying to hold back your own tears. “Isn’t that right, Liza Bean?”

Eliza nods vigorously. “Luke says I get Play-Doh!”

“Remember,” Luke crouches down to tell her, “it’s important that you taste the Play-Doh before you use it.”

The comment earns him another thump to the head from Eddie. 

“Please don’t eat Play-Doh,” you beg your daughter. Or listen to anything Luke says, you silently add. 

“Yeah, just stick to your lunch,” Ryan offers, always the voice of reason. 

“Lots of fruits and veggies,” Luke jumps in. “Remember why?”

“SCURVY!” Eliza proudly shouts, beaming from ear to ear. 

Eddie exhales and rubs the bridge of his nose, at a total loss for words. “Can you crazy children just take the pictures so we can go?” he finally manages, patience sufficiently worn thin. 

“Sir, yes, sir!” the boys salute in unison. 

“Yes, sir!” Eliza chimes in, happy to emulate her big brothers. 

You take the camera from Eddie when you see his jaw clench. You’d been afraid of your daughter having a meltdown today, but you obviously should have been worrying about her dad. 

“Okay,” you say, nodding for them to arrange themselves in front of the wall for a picture, “all three of you, first.” 

Begrudgingly on the part of the teenagers, and happily on the part of the little girl exiting toddlerhood, they come together and manage to stand still while you grab a few shots of them.

“Now just Ryan, then Luke, then Liza,” you instruct. Ryan rolls his eyes as his two younger siblings step away from him.

“This is never going to end,” he mumbles. 

Figuring it’s just easier to ignore him, you get your pictures of Ryan before moving on to solo Luke and then Eliza. “Now get in there, Dad,” you tell Eddie, gesturing him over to join the kids.

The moment Eddie is within reaching distance of her, Eliza raises her tiny arms to her father and insists that he holds her in the picture. Eddie, unable to deny her anything as always, complies. 

“Just me and Daddy!” Eliza says.

“Eliza’s will be done,” you say before snapping one of just the pair of them.

“All right, all right,” Luke says, motioning for you to give him the camera. “You get in there, too. We’ve got a monumental day here. Another Munson in the school system.”

As you pose next to your daughter and husband, you see Ryan out of the corner of your eye. He leans in behind you and holds up two fingers as bunny ears behind Eliza’s head. His little sister didn’t see him, but she was going to get a kick out of that once you got the pictures developed. Luke also noticed the photobomber, so he takes another nicer picture. 

“We ready to go now?” Luke asks. “Big day for me too, ya know. Starting high school and all. No one’s all fussy over me and I bet it’s because I don’t have pigtails. Damn.”

Eddie claps Luke on the shoulder as you take the camera from your son. “Didn’t wanna make ya nervous, kid,” Eddie says. “Also, dollar in the swear jar.”

Luke scoffs and presses a hand to his chest. “Have I ever been nervous a day in my life?” 

“Well,” Ryan starts with a smug smile, “that depends if you count the time that you got paired up with Missy Collins for that science project.”

Luke’s face turns pink and his nostrils flare. You’re almost taken aback because you think this is the most flustered you’ve ever seen the usually cool and mischievous boy. Luke goes from standing perfectly still to lunging toward his older brother in milliseconds. 

Ryan just lets out a whooping laugh and dodges him by heading outside. Luke is hot on his tail.

Eliza looks up at you and shakes her head, little brown pigtails swaying with the motion. 

“Boys,” she says, an air of sophistication older than her three years in her tone. 

“Boys,” you agree, offering her your hand. Her little fingers slide into your own and you head out the front door behind the two teenagers. Eddie grabs his keys and follows his family out. 

The keys jingle in your husband’s hand, a nervous tic as he walks over to the car and unlocks it. The three kids pile into the back and Eliza and Luke bicker over buckling her car seat as you slip into the passenger’s side.

“Everyone have everything?” Eddie asks as soon as the arguing stops. “Backpacks? Lunches? Or lunch money?”

A chorus of “yes” comes from the backseat so Eddie starts the car and pulls out of the driveway, instantly wishing he could turn around and take everyone back home.

You, Eddie, and Eliza somehow arrive at the preschool on time, but not before your daughter had thoroughly embarrassed her brothers on the high school drop-off line. She’d begged Eddie to roll down her window so she could yell to them as they joined their friends. 

“Bye, Ryan! Bye, Lukie!” she’d shouted. “I love you!” 

You and Eddie thought it was hilarious. Luke and Ryan? Not so much. 

But now, your husband is a total wreck as Eliza marches full steam ahead towards the school’s doors. Truthfully, you’re almost as bad as he is, but you’re trying to keep it together—for Eliza’s sake and for Eddie’s. 

“You ready, Eliza?” You crouch down and place your hands on her shoulders. 

“Yep!” She nods, baby teeth on full display when she grins excitedly.  

Eddie narrows his eyes in disbelief. “Are you sure?” he asks, making you roll your eyes. 

“Yep!” Eliza repeats; thankfully, she’s oblivious to his inner turmoil. 

“You’re going to have a great time and make lots of new friends,” you tell her. 

“And I’ll be right here, ready to pick you up when it’s over,” Eddie adds as he crouches down next to you.

It takes all your strength not to roll your eyes again or elbow Eddie in the ribs.  

Eliza nods her head, little pigtails bouncing with the movement. She hikes her backpack up higher and gives you both another wide smile. 

“Ready to go in?” you ask. 

“Uh huh.”

You take her hand and she leads you into her new classroom, Eddie following along behind you. He’s quite literally dragging his feet, a human version of Eeyore the donkey. 

A teacher, not too much younger than you, comes up to greet you all. “Hi, everyone!” she chirps in a tone that signals over-caffeination. “Welcome to preschool! I’m Miss Riley, your teacher.”

For the first time this morning, Eliza seems hesitant. She looks up at you for approval and you nod your head at her. 

“I’m Eliza Marie Munson,” she announces, and you bite back a laugh at her formality. 

“It’s very nice to meet you, Eliza,” Miss Riley says. “You’ve got both Mommy and Daddy with you here today, huh?”

“Yep! Was just gonna be Daddy but then Mommy said she didn’t think he’d really take me here.” 

You squeeze your lips together as your daughter calls out your husband’s behavior; Eddie closes his eyes, a small smile appearing on his face. Both of you know (partially due to your experiences with Luke and Ryan when they were younger) that anything that went on in your house that Eliza knew about would be fair game to be shared with her whole class. 

“Well, I’m very glad you’re here,” Miss Riley replies, holding a hand out for a high-five that your daughter eagerly returns. “Would you like me to show you where your cubby is?”

“Okay!” Eliza turns around and waves to you and Eddie.  “Bye Mommy! Bye Daddy!”

“No hugs?” Eddie asks, a pout forming on his plush lips.

Eliza rolls her eyes as if this is the most unreasonable request she’s ever heard, but obliges. 

You give her a tight squeeze, pressing a kiss to her temple. “You’re gonna have an amazing day, baby girl,” you remind her. 

“I know, Mommy.”

Eddie’s hug can only be described as bone-crushing, with Eliza letting out a dramatic grunt as he holds her. 

“Eliza Munson, you are the smartest, bravest little girl I know,” he says, voice catching in his throat. “I want you to go out there and kick some a—butt,” he hurriedly amends, but not before earning a glare from you. 

“Most importantly, be nice,” you emphasize, hoping your advice trumps Eddie’s little half-time pep talk. 

“I will!” Eliza happily declares before following Miss Riley over to the cubbies.

Eddie looks back and forth from her to you. “That’s it?” he asks. “That’s all we get?”

“What did you want?” you ask as you slip your hand into your husband’s. “Want her to cry and beg you to take her back home?”

“Well, no.” At your disbelieving eyebrow raise Eddie shrugs and amends his statement. “Not entirely.”

“We got hugs and goodbyes,” you point out. “Ryan barely acknowledged us, and Luke gave you a Wet Willy. I think we should cut our losses.”

“I know,” Eddie says, letting out a defeated sigh.

You gently tug him in the direction of the door to exit. “She’ll be fine,” you reassure him with a whisper. “And she’ll be so excited to tell you all about it later.”

Eddie nods, and just as the two of you are about to walk out the door, something rams into Eddie’s legs. He looks down to see Eliza grinning up at him, little arms wrapped around his knees.  

“What’s up, Sweet Pea?” he asks, suddenly worried that something’s wrong. Was someone mean to her? Did she forget her lunch at home?

She jumps like a little jumping bean until she’s right in front of the two of you. 

“I love you!”

Your heart swells and the pressure of tears is heavy behind your eyes. There’s no way you can look at Eddie because clocking his emotion will absolutely send you over the edge. 

Eddie’s already tearing up though and has a bright smile on his face. “We love you too, Liza Bean,” he tells her. “So much.”

She giggles and you scoop her up in your arms. “We love you more than anything.”

You and Eddie press kisses to her cheeks at the same time, and Eddie blows a raspberry with his, making her giggle. 

Once you set her down, Eliza blows you both a kiss before skipping over to a table where a few kids are drawing, already settling in. 

Eddie wipes at his eyes as the two of you step out of the classroom and into the hall. “That’s what I wanted,” he admits with a tearful chuckle. 

You wrap your arms around one of Eddie’s and lay your head on his shoulder. “You okay?” you ask him.

“No.” He sighs when you press a reassuring kiss against his shoulder. “I’m just trying to keep it together for your sake,” he says.

At his words, you pull away to look at him, eyebrows raised. “This was you holding it together?” you ask. 

“Oh, this could’ve been way worse, babe.”

You chuckle as he slips his hand into yours, knowing that he’s likely telling the truth. 

The two of you take one last look inside the classroom and see Eliza talking and laughing with a little girl and boy at her table. 

“Come on,” you say, patting the back of Eddie’s hand with your free one. 

With a reluctant sigh, Eddie starts to walk with you towards the exit. 

“And I know Miss Riley is younger than me but don’t get any ideas.” You smirk and nudge his shoulder with your own, trying to joke around and cheer him up a bit.

Eddie puts his hands up in defense. “Hey, she’s a teacher. I only go for babysitters.”

The late summer morning is hot as you make the journey back to your car. Still the gentleman as always, Eddie opens your door for you. 

“Man,” he shakes his head as you slip into the passenger’s seat. “I can’t believe my baby is in preschool.” 

He closes your door and walks around to his side, giving you time to open your purse and pull out a small object, hiding it beneath your hands in your lap. He starts the car, though you’re fairly certain your heartbeat is louder than the engine. 

“Well,” you start before clearing your throat. Eddie looks over at you and there’s suddenly a million butterflies not only in your stomach, but throughout your whole body. “She’s not going to be the baby for long…”

You hand Eddie the test, watching as his expression shifts from sadness to confusion to awe as he stares at the two pink lines. 

“You’re pregnant?” The excitement in his voice rivals that of a kid on Christmas morning.

“I’m pregnant,” you confirm, grinning with your own excitement. The emotions that you've been trying to corral all day finally come out, relief and giddiness flowing through you as you tell your husband what you've been dying to amongst all the other chaos of the day.  

Eddie lunges across the center console to wrap you up in his arms, letting the positive test drop into his lap. “Holy shit, princess.”

“I know,” you say with a giggle.

Eddie’s still in shock, grinning from ear to ear and rubs his hands over his face. “We’re gonna have another baby,” he says, just to hear it aloud. 

“And just think,” you say, “you get to do this first day of preschool thing again.”

His nose wrinkles at that prospect. “Maybe I’ll just homeschool this one.”

[holmesianlove]

Chapter 9 - Ugly Jumper Contest


“Do we really have to go to this party?” John moaned.

“Greg asked, and he asks for very little from us. It’s with the people from the Yard, John. They felt like we should be there,” Sherlock explained, as he rifled through his closet. “I think he just wants us there for emotional support.”

“Look, we both hate people. Why would we go to a party?” John argued, frowning as he watched from the corridor. Sherlock was invested, shoulder deep in his closet.

“We're doing Greg a favour. Besides, they’re celebrating the big break in the case. We need to be there for that.”

“Do I get extra credit for working out that it was the fourth wife?” John said, puffing out his chest.

“Yes, yes, they’re very impressed by that, John,” Sherlock said excitedly.

“Do we need to bring anything?” John asked, still standing awkwardly in the corridor, still wondering what on earth Sherlock was fussing with in his sacred bedroom.

“No.” Sherlock paused to look at John for a moment. “Maybe a tie?”

“Oh really? That posh? Okay?” John disappeared to get a tie.

By the time John came back out of his room, Sherlock was in the lounge, jiggling impatiently on the spot, his coat already on and buttoned up. John paused, assessing the situation. Something was not right but he couldn’t put his finger on it. When Sherlock looked up at John, finally, he froze with an odd expression on his face.

“What?” John asked, pausing on the stairs. Sherlock continued to stare at him. “What? Was this not what you had meant?” John pressed on, suddenly doubting his wardrobe choice. He had settled on a Christmas themed tie but it was a particularly classy one that was a deep maroon silk with a very subtle holly embroidered onto it. One of his terrible ex-dates had given it in an over enthusiastic gesture. John had taken her on a second date and she apparently thought he was a permanent boyfriend. It had ended badly but the tie had stayed in the wardrobe because it was actually lovely. He never had cause to wear it and something had possessed him to put on a fancy tie, to impress Sherlock and now, Sherlock looked… possibly disgusted at it, at least that was the only thing John could attribute his particular expression to. It resulted in a very silent cab ride to the pub in which John had no idea what to say to rectify the situation.

Sherlock paid the fare while John stepped out and made his way into the pub to get out of the very cold night. When he paused in the foyer to undo his jacket, he caught sight of Sherlock on the pavement heading in, already undoing his coat. He caught a glimpse of Sherlock’s outfit under his coat now that it was open.

“What are you…” John paused, mouth gaping open as he caught sight of it. “Ah… wearing?” He took in the sight of Sherlock as his friend entered the foyer and took off his coat properly.

“But… You told me to wear…” He was completely confused.

“Well, it’s a Christmas party, John,” Sherlock replied, somehow keeping a straight face.

“I wore a bloody Christmas tie. You told me to! What the hell is that?!” he shrieked, pointing at Sherlock.

“What do you mean?” Sherlock asked calmly.

“Come on, Sherlock. What are you wearing? Is that my jumper?” John asked again.

“I'm just… borrowing it,” Sherlock said, raising his nose high in the air defensively. “Sherlock Holmes, you have never worn a Christmas jumper in your life. I don’t even think I’ve seen you in a jumper, period. What are you doing?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You're going to stretch the wool out! You’re way taller than I am,” John said in frustration.

“Hush, John. Let’s head in before we miss the start of the party,” Sherlock said as John glared at him.

Now, he felt completely out of sorts. Standing in his button up shirt with his classy tie, beside Sherlock Holmes in one of his bloody Christmas jumpers. The jumpers that Sherlock teased him about. Constantly. Only now, Sherlock was wearing one. His favourite, in fact and…

“You were fishing this out of your closet,” John suddenly realised.

“Hmmm?” Sherlock hummed the question as if he hadn’t really heard it.

“You were trying to find this… in your closet. Why was it in your closet?” John asked angrily.

Sherlock ignored him and walked past him to ensure they got moving, and the moment John walked in, he realised the whole group were all wearing terrible Christmas jumpers.

“Whaaat is happening, Sherlock?” John whispered, feeling incredibly out of place. “Did you forget to give me the memo?”

Everyone let out a cheer and flooded towards them, with excited greetings, and pats on the back coupled with congratulations. The whole team seemed so excited to see them both. John had an out of body experience as he tried to process what was happening - everybody else in what could only be described as ugly Christmas jumpers, even though John liked quite a few of them. This was exactly why he was the butt of all of Sherlock’s fashion quips wasn’t it?

Finally Lestrade tapped his keys against his beer glass to silence the team in their little corner of the pub, settling the rabble.

“Well, John Watson,” Lestrade said, to which the whole team cheered. “We’ve been waiting for the day you would finally snag a win. Sherlock always outdoes you - and all of us - and this time, you outdid Sherlock and we thought we would celebrate with you. Besides, this arrogant arse needed to be taken down a peg or two.” Everyone chuckled and made noises of agreement. “And as your Christmas jumpers are always a source of Sherlock's teasing, we told him that since you were the genius this week, he had to wear one of your jumpers… case in point,” he added, pointing to Sherlock’s jumper, to which everyone cheered. “And in return we agreed we would all wear a bad Christmas jumper too.”

“So, I'm the only one here without a Christmas jumper,” John mumbled under his breath.

Sherlock leaned in closer to him. “Correct, but you wear them the rest of the time, so we felt like it was a fair trade.

John blushed and tried to laugh along as he drank his beer, taking it faster than he should, in a bid to get out of this whole nightmare as quickly as possible. He wanted to enjoy the glow of the recognition. He had helped break the case open. But somehow the fuss over it just made him feel like they were pointing out how stupid he was the rest of the time. Stupid little John, with his stupid little jumpers.

It wasn’t even an hour later when John slammed his third beer down, interrupting one of Greg’s sorry. “Yeah, I’m… gonna go,” he said, storming through the pub, past his coat and made it out to the street to try and hail a cab.

By the time he had found a cab to stop, Sherlock was by his side, silently watching. He had the coat on and had John’s jumper in his hands. They sat quietly through the entire trip home as John ground his teeth together. They got all the way up to the flat before John finally snapped.

“Is that really how you see me, Sherlock? Just the idiot who wears the bad jumpers?”

Sherlock looked as if he’d been slapped. “No, John, it was all in good sport. We thought you would have a laugh with us.”

“I know they see me like that. But do you really see me… like that?” he asked, his voice quieter.

“No. Of course not. Of course not.”

Sherlock stood in the same room, but didn’t seem to be able to look at John now. His shoes were suddenly very interesting, apparently.

“John, I'm sorry.” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “We just thought it would be fun. You always seem, to me at least, to be feeling… or perhaps I make you feel… lesser and like a tag along and I wanted you to be the main character.”

John looked surprised but not long enough to get rid of his feelings of complete humiliation. “Yeah, well, you know, once in a while, it would be really nice if I wasn't the main character that was also having the piss taken out of them you know? Like being green, being drugged, being teased, being pointed and laughed at. It’s like I’m the Robin to your Batman…” He frowned at the ground. “That’s not what I… wrong example…or maybe what I mean is… it’s like…people treat me like… I’m your secret gay lover who’s downtrodden and can't tell the world and I…”

“No,” Sherlock tried to scoff casually at his remarks. “Of course you’re not.” His face heated at John’s words.

“You know, just for once… for once I would like to just be John Watson, just normal John Watson without any…” He sighed, rubbing his hand over his faces. “Just forget it. It sounds stupid now.”

Sherlock stood awkwardly unable to think quickly enough to fix things, to say the right thing.

“I'm going to bed,” John snapped. He grabbed his jumper off the chair Sherlock had draped it carefully on and stormed upstairs. He slammed his door louder than he meant to and then sat, sulking on the bed for quite some time. Finally, he realised the jumper smelled of Sherlock now. Irritatingly, infuriatingly, impossibly. Before he could stop himself, he lay down on the bed, fully clothed, and cuddled the jumper tightly to his chest. He lay there unmoving until he drifted off to sleep.

— —

Thanks @notjustamumj for the prompt list

@lisbeth-kk @helloliriels @totallysilvergirl @221beloved @safedistancefrombeingsmart @givemesherbet-blog-blog @naefelldaurk @a-victorian-girl @phoenix27884 @peanitbear @starlitkeys @lumilama @yorkiepug @talkativeanxiousturtle @kettykika78 @kittenmadnessandtea @whatnext2020 @egregiously-chuffed @chriscalledmesweetie @catlock-holmes @battledress @kholkate @randomquadballpun @221beloved @little-owls-things @daltongraham @sillygirlsmindpalace

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 12/24/2024

pair of portentous tuesdayposts: this one is christmas eve and the next one is new year's eve

trying something new with the reading section, where i list off a bunch of books i bounced off and briefly explain why. let me know if this is interesting, or if it's more interesting when i finish a book i sort of enjoyed and really dissect what didn't work for me like with that annoying evil wizard book a couple weeks ago.

listening

the true champ of the past few weeks has been friends at the table's (an actual play podcast about critical worldbuilding, smart characterization, and fun interaction between good friends) horror/weird west season Sangfielle, and i know i have listened to about sixty hours of it bc i have played about sixty hours of stardew valley. i am currently on ep 49, one before the last finale episode, and it feels like it is wrapping up in a very rushed and weird way? maybe i will feel differently after listening to the six coda episodes wrapping up everyones' characters?

the song of the week is fleet foxes’ white winter hymnal, which is morbidly festive without being strictly christmas-y and is not salting the open emotional wound within my chest that is The Holiday Season. album released 2008. christ im old

-

reading

the concept of this gag award is EXTREMELY funny to me. i wish the EFF sent them a little physical trophy. perhaps a challenge coin.

bounced off a lot of stuff. the six larger books and the far top right are all from my absolute favorite thrift store with the worst vibes, who regularly has a 8/$1 media sale bc they actually want to be more of a kitchen goods and home decor thrift store and don't really want to constantly be overflowing with records no one buys. yet here they are.

i really do need to find a good indie used bookstore around here that will take books and give me back slightly more in store credit than in cash. bc i would like to fill some missing chunks of trilogies/fill out the star wars shelves a little more. but every time i have gone to half price books i have had an unpleasant time.

lumberjanes/bravest warrior/adventure time were not making me feel nostalgic and in fact made me quite sad instead (more in a memento mori way than in subject matter) so they're going to a friend's kid

glad i looked up Heartthrob (despite the really good premise of woman haunted by her heart donor) on my library's comic app bc the third one seems to mostly take place in a mental hospital which is really never a vibe i want

GRIFTER has art i don't love and a bland storyline about an ex-marine who is the saddest boy in the world and can also detect literal space aliens living among us. no thank you

tangle's game has a close-call near-sexual assault in the first chapter. no thank you! cool dystopic social credit score premise but no thanks!

gil's all fright diner is about the king of vampires and the duke of werewolves but they're hicks. the narrator hates that they're dumb hicks. did not jive with the authorial voice on this one

i bought Two Tickets to Tangiers in high school bc it looked cool and have only cracked it open now, almost fifteen years later. fifteen year old kay did not yet have the context clues from the cover that it would be a very racist travelogue

i need to stop trying agatha christie. i am never going to like agatha christie

-

watching

somehow i have seen the first tinker bell fairies movie three times this week bc that's all my bestie's toddlers want to watch. a really stupidly stacked cast??? how did all these people have free time in 2008???

-

playing

finished the community center in summer 2 of stardew valley (wildly popular and very intense farming sim) and would have finished it in winter 1 if not for the FUCKING pufferfish. i hate fishing minigames and i especially hate the fishing minigame in stardew so i am excited to leave it the fuck alone for a while.

my cauliflower got stupid mchugelarge?? i do not know why they did that. also a meteor fell on my farm and gave me a bunch of really valuable ore, just like real life meteors.

i do kind of regret picking the beach farm bc so much of my day is spent watering, but i am trying to lean harder into animal products and being more of a fun silly flower farm instead of the intense agriculture i find myself doing. i have the greenhouse, i have a small patch of sprinklerable land, i will simply make sure to buy some of every seed each season and if i really need something i will toss it in the greenhouse.

-

making

people are being very gracious about their mediocre colored pencil portraits. most of my gift budget this year was two flat rate boxes to my siblings. silly little pet portraits are very cost effective if you already have art supplies, nice paper, gumption, and very cheap small frames.

[the-slender-doll]

Reposting on main but

Release the Kraken! 🦑

(Aka Milo Jones - my Sniper OC - is officially finished!)

Here's Milos official reference sheet + miscellaneous sketches Ive done of him!

I am super excited to reveal my Sniper OC's true nature to everyone here!

I have some fun facts about him underneath the cut.

Other References

Stuff about Milo/ Deep BLU Sniper:

He's a human turned Kraken. He exchanged his humanity and life as a human as a former fishing boat captain to save his former crew mate turned pyromaniac "Skipper", the Deep BLU teams Pyro. The sea wanted a life for a life. The incident also was the cause of my pyro's spiral into pyromania and instability.

Due to his current "condition" he is strictly on a pescatarian style (aka fish only) diet. Other meats and poultry make him extremely sick. Although he can have other seafood, diary, veggies, fruits, greens and the like without much of a problem. It helps him keep up an appearance of still being human.

His eyes sometimes turn more Cephalopod like when he's experiencing an extreme emotion like rage or when his animalistic instincts take over. Sometimes it happens without his consent. His eyes can also change into a golden color when this happens but it's not often.

He has the ability for metachrosis (physiological color change) much like an octopus for his hair, skin and eyes. It doesn't affect his clothes. Because of this he has slight camouflage abilities, making it easy for him to blend into the background, giving him the illusion of "cloaking" like Spy's watch ability. Most of the time he has to fight the urge to do this around others. He also sometimes unconsciously changes the color of his hair depending on his mood.

Sometimes he can summon squid tentacles from his back. It's extremely painful for him to do so and it ruins his shirts 99% of the time. Because of this he wears race back style tank tops so he doesn't rip his shirts open if his tentacles come through his back suddenly. His jacket is just bulky and sturdy enough to hide and hold his tentacles from sight if it happens while he's out on the field. He awkwardly has to play it off until he can force himself to "retract" his tentacles. Usually causes a bloody mess on his back.

Thanks to his "gift", he's very flexible and tends to bend much like a contortionist if given the chance.

He has to keep hydrated constantly, so he has a water bottle on him at all times. He can get very sick if he becomes dehydrated. (This explains his in canon use of Jarate lol)

His blood is much darker in the light than most human blood. It's more akin to ink than anything else so he has to be very careful not to get hurt for this to be revealed. Usually he gets human blood transfusions before each battle so it offsets his odd ink like blood in appearance and cover his tracks. Thankfully he's AB+ so he can take any blood type as a donation for this endeavor.

He has a slightly fishy smell mixed with his human "musk".

His fingers sometimes become slightly sticky at the fingertips due to microscopic suckers in place of his fingerprints so he has to be careful with this so he doesn't reveal his "Cephalopod" like traits.

The only reason he can draw a traditional style bow without strain is his newfound strength as a giant squid like monster in a human shell with the added curse of "stickiness" from his sucker like finger tips.

He's about 6' tall and has quite a lean body type.

When he's scared or startled, his inky blood will mix with his spit, creating actual squid ink. He plays it off as having chewable tobacco in his mouth when he has to get rid of it.

He can breathe underwater. It's something he's still getting accustomed too as his first instinct when under deep water is to panic like most would. He can swim but trauma is a large factor for this knee jerk reaction.

He has a very slow but passive regeneration ability that can help keep him from bleeding out from deep cuts and help him regenerate and heal overtime if he can find a place to nurse his wounds. This is how he can heal his back constantly after summoning and retracting his tentacles.

He is colorblind with a mostly monochromatic vision with the only colors he's able to see clearly is Blues and Yellows. Just like an octopus's vision!

His condition is a big secret even within his own team. Only the Deep BLU teams admin assistant Miss Cecilia, the main Administrator, Miss Pauling and my Pyro Skipper know. Later on Felix my Medic finds out. My Spy also finds out after rescuing him from Felix.

He does have a boyfriend named Dingo (who's owned by @darrowfire15 ). He eventually learns about Milos condition.

So yeah, I hope you enjoy him!!

[medievill]

okay. okay. I think I've finally figured out the worst part of the "Ed's going to be an abuser just like his dad" headcanon some of y'all have.

let's go for a ride.

abuse is cyclical, and not just in a micro sense. it's not just "I love you, you're garbage, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm the only one who loves you because you're garbage, I'm sorry, I love you," etc. I mean macro. I mean generationally.

I mean that parents teach their children how to have relationships. we show our kids how adults interact with each other, how adults interact with kids, how kids should interact with kids. we model this behavior constantly. it's one of the most nerve-wracking things about being a parent, actually: you live in a fish bowl now, and the fish bowl is your home, and your children are constantly observing your behavior and interactions, even when you don't want them to, even when you think they're not.

growing up in a home with an abusive parent doesn't just expose you to the abuse—physical, emotional, psychological, religious, whatever it is—it teaches the child that this is how relationships work. and then this kid goes out into the world, interacting with other humans all willy-nilly, and bringing all the knowledge that their parents armed them with to bear. and when the kid (hopefully) realizes that wait, actually, shouting and throwing things and hitting people isn't good, that's not the way you interact, it is solely up to that kid to fix their shit. if they're lucky, they've got someone in their life to help them with that. but even once you've recognized that there's Bad Stuff happening in your interpersonal relationships, you have to retrain your brain. you have to change your go-to reaction. because you can recarve your neural pathways, but it is fucking hard work.

I didn't grow up with a physically abusive parent; I grew up with an emotionally abusive one. every time my partner does something that annoys me, or we disagree on something, and my reaction is "well, I don't really feel like talking"—if you don't think that I don't half- to full-on panic about wait is this the silent treatment, am I doing what my dad did, you are absolutely incorrect. it is a constant fear, that my reactions are inherently abusive. I am constantly gaslighting myself into believing that everything I do in a relationship is bad, hurtful, abusive. I am constantly having to convince myself that it's okay sometimes not to want to talk, and to sometimes be annoyed, and to sometimes disagree, and that none of this is inherently abusive.

now. Ed fucking Teach. do you not think the guy's spent some time introspecting? examining his inner most self? he's smart, and he's depressed, so, yeah. I bet he has. so do you not think, you absolute monsters, that he isn't doing the same fucking thing? Ed Teach, who convinced himself that defending him and his mom against constant violence (a white man, and as if this was a random choice)—ultimately saving their lives (and no, this is not an exaggeration)—made him an unloveable, unlikeable monster. Ed Teach, who is so desperate for love and friendship that his biggest fantasy is owning an inn, where people stay because they want to.

do you really think that one of the thousand internal battles Ed my beloved is fighting isn't don't be your dad don't be your dad don't be your dad? fighting, fucking tooth and nail, to be different. (same as Stede!) this reactionary headcanon literally misses so much of the point of the whole character; it buys into the British Navy's propaganda about him, and worse. it buys into the narrative that a man of color is inherently violent, inherently incapable of change.

[anime97-99]

HANNIBAL🩸🍽️

I finally watched Hannibal after having it on wait list for 4 years and I am glad I did because WOW!! I will analyze it and write what I think the show represents, this is my personal opinion of the show.

The series is one if not the best thriller I have ever watched, I am mad that there is still not season 4 like, the actors are getting older come on!!

I loved all the episodes and characters specially Will, Freddie, Alana, Dr. Chilton, Jack and Margot. Dr. Chilton is the best!!💅

The relationships between everyone are interesting, specially between Hannibal and Will. The fact that Will, the main character is so difficult to understand, “an unreliable narrator”. During the whole show you will question who truly is Will Graham, but for me he is just different for what everyone thinks of him including Hannibal.

I think Hannibal with a god complex and narcissist traits sees himself in Will like looking into a mirror and his own reflection hits his eyes and falls for him, but it is all that it is a reflection.

Now with Will, he is a really complicated character but despite everything I don’t think he is a killer same as Bedelia said in the last season.

Will is easily manipulable and vulnerable at the beginning of the first season he is presented to us as an awkward boy who is constantly fighting his demons. He is said to have Asperger syndrome and a empathy disorder, pure empathy according to Hannibal. He is unique and interesting and Hannibal starts to psychoanalyze him all the time until the point that it becomes obsessive.

The thing is that Will is literally an unreliable narrator so you can’t really tell when he is lying and when he is not, but we can try and assume that when he is in his mental palace he is being sincere.

After all that I still think that he is a sacrifice, why? Because for me everything that he is doing since Beverly death is an act. After getting out of prison in season 2 he have already started a plan to catch Hannibal and put him behind bars.

“Catch a fish once and if it gets away, it's a lot harder to catch the second time.” Will Graham

This quote means a lot, it shows that he will do anything to get Hannibal. Will is a fisherman not a hunter he attracts his victims and waits for the right time and prey but that also means that he is ready to caught more fishies until he gets the one that he wants.

Will after getting out of prison starts to change he is ready to become Hannibal to perform an illusion but he is not ready for the consequences this brings. Will doesn’t know that Hannibal is falling in love with him the more Will uses Hannibal as a suit the more distorted his reality becomes, he starts to see and feel the world as Hannibal and he also falls in love with him, he fights that instinct and is in constant fight of what feelings are his and what are from Hannibal he can’t tell where he ends and where does Hannibal begin anymore. He feels hate but and unexplainable infatuation over him, and it gets worse through all the 2 season.

At the end of the 2 season we see that Hannibal kill Abigail, this is when the cup finally breaks but it gets back up. I think it means that since Will has finally lose what thought was important to him by Hannibal he is ready to give himself up but instead he decides to follow him and I think since there that he wants to make him suffer the same way he did by loosing the most important person in his life.

Bedelia once told him of the whim Hannibal could have…

In season 3 he does not want to put him behind bars but make him experience the emotional pain of loosing your most important person, Will himself.

Now talking about the stag that Will sees, I think is meant to portray someone Will used to know. It is not him the same way it is with the others killers, Will is not the monster in his mind palace but them who is that stag? Well we don’t know much about Will childhood but the appearance of the stag gets triggered first when Hobbs is killed by Will passionately and with Hannibal that is a stag himself.

Then we have Will paternalism for Abigail and how he considers her his daughter. He sees himself in her that is why he feels so vulnerable. He wants her to have a good life maybe a life he couldn’t have. As I said we don’t know anything about his family and the reason he is obsess with Hobbs, then the stag appears feels like it was triggered by memory that he wanted to bury, the encephalitis didn’t help his case. (He is also obsess with rescuing dogs which can imply that his father killed his dog or something like that)

With this the stag is probably his father or uncle in my opinion the trauma and his dark past is always chasing him.(And he sees Hannibal also as the stag pointing the similarities with that person and why Will is so confused and conflicted when the time comes to do something with Hannibal)

And Will doesn’t want to be a hunter but he will become one and kill it (Hannibal) at the end and eat it, making a parallel with first season. (Hobbs and Abigail).

Or maybe the stag represents his father’s victims and other innocent ones at an extend. And that is why it appears to help Will kill Hannibal and other killers in his mind palace (the rage of the victims and their revenge) it represents what Will considers as justice, as a pure empath he is good at understanding killers but to feel the agonizing pain from their victims must be what consumed him.

Hannibal is represented in this case as a stag too because he is Will’s prey and Will grows horns in prison because he is feeling that rage grow more and more until it completely consumes him. (He falls victim of the devil)

Following Hannibal to Italy and when he surrenders to the police, makes him rethink what Hannibal’s truly is for him and maybe stars to understand that he actually doesn’t have as much hate in his heart as he used to and that kill him inside. He is falling slowly but surely in love with the devil and god probably won’t forgive it, he is constantly full of guilt.

For Hannibal he once said that death would feel like a gift so maybe he is expecting to be killed and eaten by his one and only love one day and that is why he never actually killed Will.

[socgf]

matt dillon characters' zodiac signs

this came to me in a dream so i needed to write it out because i think too much about him. i didn't get all his major roles because i felt like we didn't see enough sides of the character to determine their sign (ex. jack duncan in liar's moon) but let me know if u agree or have other hcs!!

richie white (over the edge): taurus

extremely stubborn, loyal in a 14 year old delinquent way. his repeated 'a kid who tells on another kid is a dead kid'. at the same can be self centered and over indulgent: thinking of him ditching carl at the party, all his shenanigans with the gun, and the final car chase. he loves the attention on him! also stoners like him are very taurus coded, not even stereotyping because i am a taurus and i just know he is one. (was.)

tex mccormick (tex): libra

this is actually canon because his bday is october 22nd in the movie. but also makes sense. he has the effortless charm/flirtiness ("god gave me my face but he let me pick my nose" - most libra thing ever.) and is also idealistic to a fault, he lives in his own world and isn't very grounded in reality. matt has said he played tex as a simple and naive kid, and that to me is very libra. libras are my fav <333

dallas winston (the outsiders): scorpio

also canon but very obvious i feel like i don't need to explain this. he's got that intensity and darkness in his emotions under the surface of secrecy and danger. resourceful and fiercely loyal which is why he's the go to greaser when pony and johnny are in trouble. he's unbelievably calm and level headed on the surface even in such an emotional situation - very scorpio.

since this character is so fledged out i feel like i can also say at least in the movie version that he's 100% a scorpio rising with his eyes and dark facial features/intimidating resting face.

pretty sure canonically he has an aquarius moon based on his birthday, but personally i don't see that. aquarius moons are eccentric and freedom loving and dally is very repressed. i think he's a leo moon. he's controlled by his emotions and ego and has the tendency to self sacrifice, as we see.

rusty james (rumble fish): gemini

constant need to be independent and self-reliant. if you pay attention rusty james is constantly fidgeting/tapping his fingers and that's very gemini to me, they can't settle down. also his insane mood swings, going from soft spoken to ready to fight at any moment (thinking of patty argument + all his interactions with steve lol).

bob hughes (drugstore cowboy): capricorn

him being intelligent/calculated/ambitious is the foundation of his character. he of course has that inner need for stability in his relationships which is so earth sign. but this is obvious to me only because every capricorn i've ever met has the most insane hustling hardworking mentality ever. and one thing about bob is he is a hustler for those pills!!! also because capricorns kinda scare me sometimes.. they can be cold.

sam lombardo (wild things): sagittarius

i actually hate sag men so much so i'm gonna try to remain neutral even though i did enjoy sam's character a lot. sags to me are like a ticking time bomb, like they can explode at any minute. very unpredictable, brave, confident, abrasive. all of sam's elaborate plotting and violence... only a sag could think of all of that and go through with it. also tendency toward greed and fierce independence which ends up being his downfall. don't forget good in bed (banging all of blue bay).

[1800i-dont-write-fanfiction]

(7) wife guy

Lavellan's current plight was entirely unknown to Solas. While this ignorance spared him the edge of immediate despair, it left him to languish in a haze of unfocused yearning. He sat cross-legged in his ethereal cage, resting his chin on his fist in glum resignation. The prison was nothing more than an infinite scroll of torment, every line etched with his regrets, written anew in painstaking, relentless detail. If only it were silent.

“Ellana knew the value of silence,” he murmured to himself, voice raspy with disuse. “She said it allowed the world to speak.” He rubbed at his temples. Even now, her wisdom twisted itself into his thoughts like roots overtaking stone. He looked up at the swirling currents of the Fade and frowned.

“Ah, but the Fade speaks constantly,” he continued, addressing no one. “Would she have found this place too loud? Perhaps I...” He trailed off, his words dissolving into the same void that had consumed his agents’ patience over the years. Those who remained—a dwindling few—had no doubt celebrated his disappearance as much as they lamented it.

He shifted to his feet, his movements languid. The act of standing felt hollow; a gesture of purpose in a place where none would be found. His steps echoed as he began to pace.

He was haunted by shades of friends, discarded and lost—agents he'd driven away over the years, where once there had been countless. True allies had always been few by his own design, preferring to walk the lonely path. “They were loyal,” he whispered, his voice laden with regret. “Though perhaps... too loyal.”

He recalled a young mage whose name he'd never bothered to learn, one of many. The unfortunate recruit, in a misguided attempt at kindness, had once dared bring him a meal unprompted. Seizing the rare opportunity, Solas proceeded to subject the boy to an excruciatingly detailed account of the Inquisitor's culinary preferences, which he insisted held strategic importance.

“The Inquisitor,” he began, his voice strained with an emotion masked poorly as necessity, “is not to be underestimated. Her methods are subtle, and her preferences—though seemingly benign—may yet provide insight into her plans. Fish stew, for example,” he continued, his cadence suggesting an air of somber significance, “a humble fare, yet laden with the quiet promise of calculated vulnerability. It speaks volumes... if one dares to listen.”

Clearing his throat, he pressed on. “It is vital you understand her preferences, should the matter become critical to our mission.” The mage had nodded, too polite, and quite frankly too terrified, to interrupt. “I expect you to remember this,” Solas concluded, his tone heavy with sentimentality. “In every detail, there is power. Such details could save your life.”

It was not only meals that served as the unwitting canvas for his grief. Even the act of breathing could spark reflection—a cruel and constant reminder of her absence. Once, a seasoned warrior known for his stoic discipline had joined their ranks. Solas had been mid-strategy discussion when the warrior’s heavy breathing caught his attention, unraveling his thoughts into a familiar spiral.

“Air,” Solas remarked, interrupting himself. “The Inquisitor used to breathe air. A calculated maneuver—effortlessly universal. Remarkable, in its subtlety. Even the act of breathing became a weapon she might wield against her adversaries.” The agent had left the following week, citing a sudden need for “spiritual clarity.”

A pity. He had been promising.

Solas sank back to the ground, the weight of his melancholy anchoring him in place. “I am but a shade of sorrow,” he whispered, his voice carrying the solemnity of a dirge. “Yet it is a fate I embrace willingly. For if sorrow is my only tether to her, then let it bind me in eternity.”

The words hung in the air, fragile. Somewhere in the depths of his mind, he imagined the specter of Lavellan rolling her eyes. It was a small comfort.

Time stretched on, meaningless and infinite. The Fade’s currents shifted again, but the prison remained unchanged. Solas sighed, letting his thoughts drift to the one inevitable conclusion they always reached.

Perhaps it was no wonder his agents had abandoned him. Even he could not stand himself.

[moonstruckme]

In a Week - send a character + au and I'll write a blurb for it (like vampire!Eddie, bodyguard!Sirius, etc.)

college au tasm!peter who's a photographer for the college newspaper and reader is a writer?

Thanks for requesting gorgeous!

join the party

photographer!(tasm)Peter Parker x reporter!reader ♡ 761 words

“Peter, these are gorgeous,” you breathe, leafing through the pictures he’s brought you of the protest near campus. “I mean, it’s heartbreaking, and they show that, but they’re so…just, great job.” 

Peter grins, leaning against your desk with a smile that’s half-sheepish, but you can tell he’s proud of his work. He should be. “Thanks,” he says. “Did you already write the article? This is supposed to go out tomorrow, right?” 

You bite your lip. “I did,” you admit, “but now I’m thinking I’ve got some editing to do. There’s so much emotion in these, I feel like you’ve definitely upped the bar for my writing.” You say it as if it’s a joke, but really you mean it, and Peter frowns like he can tell. 

“Your writing’s amazing, and you always kill these kinds of community-minded, emotional stories.” He nudges your chair with his knee, reprimanding. “Don’t sell yourself short. Can I read what you have?”

You hesitate. Letting someone else read your work before it’s finished always feels weirdly vulnerable, even when you’re mostly reporting on facts. You haven’t picked the exact right words yet, phrased your ideas the way that’ll convey them to readers exactly like you want, but Peter’s eyes are soft and warm in the light from your desk lamp, and he always gets what he wants out of you in the end. 

You turn your laptop toward him, letting him scroll freely. 

Peter stoops over your desk, and he nods as he reads, eyes moving quickly over the typed lines. You’re doing your best not to look like you’re watching him, but you grow uneasy when a crease appears between his eyebrows. At first it’s shallow, then not so much. 

“Wow,” Peter breathes as he finishes, looking up at you like you’ve broken his heart. Whatever you’ve done, you’re immediately sorry for it. “That was…shit, you don’t have to worry about missing the mark on emotion. The passion in that, it was incredible, sweetheart.” 

Your heart jumps from your stomach right up to your throat. Sweetheart. 

“You really think so?” you ask, then realize it sounds like you’re fishing for compliments. “I mean, you didn’t think the ending was too abrupt?” 

Peter shakes his head as he straightens, still looking somewhat awed. “No, I don’t think you should change anything. You really made me feel it, you know? It was so powerful.” 

You hope the dim light is hiding the flush you can feel coming to your cheeks. “It’s a powerful topic,” you say, taking back your laptop and skimming over the draft. “You can feel how much the protestors care, from both the interviews and the pictures.” Your finger hesitates above the trackpad. “You don’t think it felt too long, though?” 

Peter makes a scoffing sound, and you look up to find him grinning at you incredulously. “Stop,” he says, shutting your laptop for you carefully. “You know what I think? I think it’s too late to still be here. Your draft is already perfect, you should go home.” 

You frown, glancing out the window. It had gotten dark without you even really noticing. “Yeah, I guess I will,” you concede. “You should, too.” 

“I am,” he says, but doesn’t move. Neither do you, sensing that he has something more he wants to say. Peter fiddles with his backpack strap. “Hey, have you had dinner yet?”

You shake your head. “I’ve been here since just after lunch.” 

“That’s too long,” he laughs. “Would you let me take you for something to eat?”

You all but freeze, looking up at him. He’s as lovely as he always is, hair fluffy from constantly dragging his hand through it and features softened in the lamplight. Your mouth is dry, and still you swallow. “Like…like as friends, or…?” 

Peter’s smile is actually shy. “I was thinking as a date, but only if you want it to be. I don’t want to make things weird, if—”

“No,” you say quickly. “No, a date is good. I’d…I’d like that.” 

Peter grins so hugely that even his eyes get in on the action, creasing at the corners. “Yeah? Nice.” Then you grab your laptop, and those eyes narrow suspiciously. “You’re not going to keep working on that, are you?”

“At dinner? No,” you reassure him, stuffing the computer into your bag. “But after I get home, yeah. I still have some edits I want to make.” 

He exhales, and it’s half exasperation, half amusement. “You’re relentless,” he says, opening the door for you. 

“Like I said, you set a high bar.”