#basically i just. seem to be inherently cringefail no matter what I do and instead of rolling with it like a normal person would i am inste | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

leatherbookmark · 3 days ago

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Huh... just connected the dots between my soul-crushing shame and inability to imagine myself "carelessly having fun" without feeling a Heavy Judging Gaze That Thinks I'm Such A Funny Stupid Little Baby on myself and like... my parents finding it the funniest thing in the world, worth bringing up over and over despite my discomfort, that I used to bob funnily to the music as a toddler

#basically I seem to like... react v strongly to being told that my body and the way I use it is somehow inherently hilarious #there have been cases where people would take photos of me when I wasn't paying attention and was making a HILARIOUS pose #and they'd either show it to me or reupload them on group chats like look how fucking funny! and i'd go awhhh come on guys :< like u do #but internally i'd be like WHAT the fuck is wrong with me that i'm the only person getting this treatment #basically i just. seem to be inherently cringefail no matter what I do and instead of rolling with it like a normal person would i am inste #*instead very sensitive about being perceived as a funny pathetic moron. and i do imprint on similar characters which means I always #end up internally tormented when 99% of the fandom is pissing their pants laughing over how incredibly hilarious this wannabe cool #(but actually incurably pathetic) this (character I can relate to) is. its this like. inability of achieving physical dignity? okay this is #nothing but basically. the emotional anguish of being aware that you might think you're doing normal things and moving normally #but unbeknownst to you (and very well knownst to everyone else) you're wearing squeaky fish-shaped slippers with a long piece of #toilet paper trailing after each one AND slipping on banana peels at the same time #no matter if i dance silly style together with friends OR try to look cool and sexy there's this huge Eye constantly present at the back of #my mind that coos about how cute and funny i am half of the time. and laugh uproariously the other half #which is why: i don't dance + cover my mouth while smiling + happiness is for other people #shrimp thoughts #it's wild how fucked up brains can get. I'd love to have realized this like a decade earlier so that I could have a semblance of a chance #at maturing emotionally into something at least roughly resembling a functional adult but ohhhhhh welllllllllllll

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