#i am aware that i need therapy
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Yes, I do have a type.
Masked murderers with blue hair.
When I say they can barge into my room and-
#shigaraki#sal fisher#yes i am a simp#be lucky ghostface isn't on my simp list#it's a prosthetic in sal's case#father's dead hand in shigaraki's#i am aware that i need therapy#also i guess eyeless jack would count#i'd rather not remember my creepypasta phase#HA SO WOULD MICHEAL MYERS#i have no idea what im doing with my life#anime#sally face#i think sal is overtaking my mind now bc i just got back into sally face-#oh well#down the rabbit hole#i guess#fictional crushes
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tw flashing images, implied death
please for the love of god reblog this, it took me 3 days
#this is what happens when i let my impulsive thoughts win. i listen to this song like 4 times and this is what happens#i kind of panicked at the end bc i wasnt sure what to put there but i think it turned out alright#i played with some basic effects on premiere this time. mostly scale and position because i didnt want it more complicated already#btw i am completely aware of how macaque might not have actually been killed by wukong this time around. although i dont really fear#being wrong cause im here for that angst baby! and on that note we could be completely wrong abt wukong and macaques early relationship lol#its cute to imagine they were like really close friends though. again i dont fear being wrong if this ages away from canon thats fine#if we get more content for them id like to make another one of these lol. id like to do one for mk with its alright by mother mother.#CUASE THAT BOY NEEDS THERAPY. maybe 'life' would also work for him based on his s4 arc.. hmmm....#myart#animatic#lego monkie kid#lmk#monkiekid#lmk macaque#lmk six eared macaque#lmk sun wukong#lmk monkey king#sun wukong#six eared macaque#shadowpeach#monkie kid#lego monkie kid spoilers#lmk spoilers#lmk season 4 spoilers#lego monkie kid s4 spoilers#lmk swk#tw flashing#flashing#eyestrain#implied death
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OCD will literally remove your brain's ability to register when a task is Complete and then create 10,000 incredibly ridiculous and extremely specific rules for you to follow in every single aspect of your life (to keep you safe, of course, it tells you.) and then tells you that if you don’t do them Correctly and Completely every single time it tells you to (it tells you countless times per day) then the Entire Fucking World Will End and then it’ll do this fucked up thing where it makes you believe that nonsense.
and then people that don’t have it will make silly little jokes about being soooooo OCD and make t-shirts with fun little acronyms on them like Obsessive Coffee Disorder and tell you how much they like it when things are organized and clean, too!!
and then you’re supposed to just. laugh. like you haven’t been robbed of your entire being and potential and been taken over by a mind and life altering disability
#PSA: don’t fucking tell me to Seek Therapy or Try Medication. i am Aware. i have Tried. it isn’t that fucking simple#and this is my blog. i���ll complain about my illnesses all i want to. if you don’t like it i strongly encourage you to unfollow me#ocd#actually ocd#cw ocd#cw mental illness#mental health stuff#Seven.txt#Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is actually SO goddamn insidious. and only ppl that have lived with it will understand that#it’s a terrible terrible thing. to have something ruin your entire life under the guise of keeping you safe#it’s like being abused by your own mind and i don’t say that lightly#okay. stopped crying long enough to get this post out of my brain and onto my blog#gonna put Walking Disaster on loop and return to my Mental Illness Floor Time now#if no one hears from me for a little while it’s not personal i just. need to not be a Person right now. i’m so tired
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i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .
#hhhhHHHGHGHHHHHH#jay screams into the void#(deeply personal rant incoming feel free to ignore)#a friend of mine has just been undiagnosed with bpd which . lovely for them but it sure as fuck invites a Lot of questions#suddenly a great deal of previous shitty behaviour that was excused on the basis of bpd has a lot more to answer for#(obligatory I Know BPD Isn't An Excuse To Treat People Like Shit . im aware . i have bpd myself and i have v high standards re my behaviour)#(however allowances were made bc they were unmedicated & out of therapy through no fault of their own)#(and our whole group has enough experience with untreated mental illness to understand that it can make u a bitch sometimes)#but yeah no there have been a LOT of instances of b&w thinking + manipulation + unfair judgement + high emotion + snap reactions#and every situation Could be explained by untreated bpd and the bad times have never been prolonged or often enough to outweigh the good#but Hoo Boy if that wasn't bpd then what the FUCK was it#like either the new psychiatrist is wrong (possible but i seem to be the only one questioning it) or they're just Like That#and again . not enough to outweigh their numerous positive and loveable traits#but the whole group has been destabilised on a number of occasions due to their actions during a bad spell#and i'm really not sure Any Other Explanation is enough to justify that#ah well . this seems like the kind of thing that will eventually come up during a sleepover heart to heart#but rn i'm stuck in a bubble of MAJOR rsd & brainfuck abt it . which is unfortunate bc now is exactly the time i Don't need brainfuck#anyways ✨ goodnight tumblrinas i am . kind of hoping nobody read this bc i fear i sound like a bitch#i am genuinely happy for their undiagnosis it seems to have put many things into perspective for them & theyre v happy about it#i'm just . uncomfy w some aspects of it that i have only been halfway brave enough to discuss with them personally#That's One To Bring Up With My Therapist In A Few Weeks#Bit Of A Shame I'm No Longer In Therapy And Now Have Only 2 Quarterly Reviews Left Before I'm Discharged From The Service
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currently watching supernatural for the first time, im in season 7 and bro... bobby's episode... "they are my boys. they grew up great. they're heroes" "saved the best for last" what the fuck man. literally what. they. they have no one left. NO ONE. campbell, cass, now bobby WHAT THE HELL
#i am aware that cass is coming back in like#5 episodes#but still dude im in PAIN#i CRIED REAL TEARS#dean and sam winchester get behind me#dean winchester protection squad#dean winchester needs a hug#sam winchester needs a hug#the winchesters need therapy#SO MUCH THERAPY#cw gonna pay for MY therapy after watching this show#the winchester brothers#dean winchester#sam winchester#bobby singer#supernatural#spn
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HIIIII im back for my annual oc redesigns AND propaganda <3 this time featuring THE most brothers of ALL time bc my GODDDDDD. i open my notes on the Ryder family and they unravel and roll on for 382 miles like a cartoon scroll u feel me
#zonezart#oc#original character#jack ryder#harrison ryder#CONTAINING HOW NORMAL I AM I AM HOLDING IT IN.#shoutout to Harrison BTW bc i SO love his current design compared to his original one that i made when i was. 13.#HE'S COME SO FAR 😭💖and he looks SO much better for it#top ten men who are trying to convince everyone they are so fine and normal and cool and do NOT need any means of therapy#jack is self aware and thriving in spite of The Horrors#look at me look at me talking in the tags like this. i could keep going. i could go on. i feel like im standing at my own Pepe Silvia board#they've been marinating in my brain since 2015
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Guilty Pleasures
Literally all I want, all I need, is to be taken care of by some hot, hot man. I want him to coddle me, worry over my wellbeing, and all around be attentive to my needs. Those fics where the reader faints, is overworked, gets sick, has horrible period cramps, or is injured (Minor or on the brink of death) I eat those up every time. This is why characters like Leon and Carlos from resident evil, and then COD characters like Ghost from MWF2 are fueling my hot military men agenda. It’s such an easy setting to be like, “Guess what you’re too injured to walk and now have to be carried to safety by a man of hulking muscle” I want someone to sit by my bed in the hospital waiting for me to wakeup, holding my hand, telling my unconscious body its all going to be okay, you’re going to be okay. Because he’s going to make sure it happens. Hurt /comfort with a physical injury, none of this emotional angst please, is what I gobble up in fanfiction when done well.
#Fanfic#CodMWF2#Resident Evil#Leon Kennedy#Carlos Oliveira#Ghost#Simon Ghost Riley#Do I need to seek therapy??#Nomnomnom eating fanfic and you can't stop me nomnomnomnom#hurt/comfort#Fluff#Care#xreader#I am aware this is in no way shape or form an ideal for reality#Hence why I gobble it up in Fanfiction#A place of fiction and all around imagination
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🩵🩵🩵
#but really I am sad bc yeah I’m gonna always pick me but omg I’m fucking tired#I actually kind of mean the arranged marriage thing bc I really hate dating disappointment#and I’m never going to sit there and beg anyone for anything. not even an ego or pride thing but a self awareness thing like#come to me w self awareness and emotional intelligence so you can recognize your own faults and we can talk through it#but fleeing like that just shows me you have hella work to do in therapy and you’re not ready and neither are you what I need atm#but ya it hurts especially when I’ve done a lot to not be so black and white in a situation and the person still got in their own way#maybe I just need to not date anymore. like I really am ok if I end up single forever and I’m also just tired and sad but#I really am ok w being single and doing my own thing bc I refuse to lower my standards and accept anything less than what I know I deserve#so anyways I think I’ve just solved my problems#me
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I truly hate Going Through It because it makes me feel like my whole fucking identity is Guy Who Is Going Through It and I would like it to not be that
#it makes me feel very guilty. also. which i am aware is The Problems#but also i would like. to be. not going through it#BUT JUST. WHEN UR THE GUY WHO IS GOING THRU IT EVERYONE FEELS LIKE THEY HAVE TO BE NICE TO YOU#AND WALK ON EGGSHELLS#AND I HATE THAT... and i always worry im like doing it on purpose to get sympathy.#...#yeah i do need to go to therapy huh.
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you ever just chillin and then you realize your friends are mostly all “drastically younger” (in my head anything more than a fucking year is a huge gap, it’s dumb) and then it sends you into a lil panic
#I hate. having truama and it’s only been getting worse ha ha#also a single year is nothing I am AWARE of this and yet???? I still feel. icky.#i need therapy but idk how to find someone who deals with specific traumas or victims of specific things#idk how to word that#like it all stems from that one thing and just my god I hate it#shut up nilla#/neg
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I love my job in that it supports me while I write and create and that working with kids is super rewarding and I’m genuinely grateful to have it.
But GOD my body dysmorphia/negative self image is NOT helped in that the clothing nannying requires means I look like a sloppy dog’s dinner on a good day. I know it’s part of child care but dammit I hate catching a glimpse of my reflection and hating how I look, from the shape of my body to what I have to wear. It blows.
#summer is such a hard time for me#and right now my body dysmorphia is just SKYROCKETING#there’s only a few about my appearance that I am genuinely NOT ashamed about#and kids are great in that they don’t give a shit#but damn I do#I hate looking the way I look right now#I feel so trapped by this fucking weight#and my working clothes do not help#I love getting to dress up#but that doesn’t get to happen unless it’s the weekend#like a part of my truly is aware that this struggle comes from internalized fatphobia#how fat girls always have to perform a higher degree of fashion/appearance/grooming#I know that#but if it genuinely helps me feel better about myself…#ugh#this is why I need to get back to therapy and why it SUCKS that no one has evening or weekend appointments#PERSONAL#DO NOT REBLOG
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when i get mad at random ppl on tumblr i write up my whole rant about them and save it in my drafts and routinely i go back thru and empty out my box with a clearer head and purer heart. except for today when i noticed that the OP of one of these said posts deactivated. i outlasted you i win. I WIN
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thought about purgatory again . still bad
#its few redeeming qualities still get dwarfed by the uttee dread that still pools in my stomach when i think about it#utter*#like i love my qbloodhounds but id not rewatch purg for them nor anyone else 😭 thank god for the compilations#i like how it impacted certain characters but only if i get to think about it in the context of their character as a Whole . if i only think#about their character in purg it still sucks#me trying to stomach thinking about purg just so that i can appreciate qbagz as a whole#genuinely i think i need to do exposure therapy to get over this instinctual anxiety . thats so fucking insane that is a mcrp series . what#what the fuck even was last November i swear to god i wasted two weeks of my life on 24/7 INTENSE anxiety bc of my stupid ass hyperifixation#jay rambles#i am aware that i am the Guy still complaining about purg one year later but also esta es mi casa
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i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god
#purrs#but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so#fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done.#like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong#enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long#and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and#consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that#everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered#out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am#forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR#FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY#FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am#the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i#HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help#and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL#delete later
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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
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I would never have thought that playing Disney: Dreamlight Valley would make me ship Merlin and Ursula but here we are they're definitely a divorced couple you cannot change my mind
#psa i did not buy the game fuck disney#my nama bought the game forever ago and i had to do some finagally bullshit to play it because disney is fucking stupid with their weird#cloud save id thing whatever it was a whole thing of figuring out how to play on my acc on my switch w/out buying the game#the answer was just to transfer “primary console” control to her acc on my switch - now we can play it at the same time#the bad news is she bought literally every dlc EXCEPT FUCKING OSWALD. LIKE IM NOT GONNA ASK HER TO BUY IT BECAUSE AGAIN /FUCK DISNEY/#BUT IM SOBBING CRYING ROLLING ON THE FLOOR MY GUY THATS MY LITTLE GUY PLEASE GOD PLEASE MY LITTLE GUY I WANT HIM PLEASE GOD SOBBING#talk talks#disney dreamlight valley#dreamlight valley#ursula#im not tagging merlin because all the suggested tags i dont recognize ans i fear its like a character in an underground tv show#also mother gothel is like exactly like my mom and i hate it i completely forgot that i related to tangled too much#overly sheltered kid with a narcissistic hoverparent mom? noo totally not. my life FUCK#but i caught myself going “oh shes not so bad shes fine to live in the valley shes just bad to her kid :]” and then had whiplash#that is probably why everybody except me likes my mom isnt it. god i hate charismatic narcissists#not gonna get into it if anyone with npd follows me thats fine its just that my mom refuses to go to therapy or improve her actions at all#its like entirely a personal issue your a person too whatever whatever its 2 am#i am aware pds are stimatized especially npd but i think living with an emotionally abusive narcissist for 10+ years is enough to justify a#/bit/ of a negative bias. i dont want to encourage treating narccissists like shit but i do think people need to be held accountable
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