#there’s only a few about my appearance that I am genuinely NOT ashamed about

[suzie-guru]

I love my job in that it supports me while I write and create and that working with kids is super rewarding and I’m genuinely grateful to have it.

But GOD my body dysmorphia/negative self image is NOT helped in that the clothing nannying requires means I look like a sloppy dog’s dinner on a good day. I know it’s part of child care but dammit I hate catching a glimpse of my reflection and hating how I look, from the shape of my body to what I have to wear. It blows.

[mmgwritings]

GOLD RUSH

Characters: Kaz Brekker / Reader

Prompts: What happens when two people are destined to be apart? Inspired by Phoebe Bridgers' song "Motion Sickness".

Warnings: Angst; The other woman.

I am doomed to failure, I thought, my hands shaking as I held a glass, trying to control my expression into one of contentment, even as my throat felt a lump forming.

Everyone around me was smiling, too happy to notice the one person who hadn't moved to congratulate the couple — the only one whose eyes felt heavy at the sight of their clasped hands.

It was too much. I took another deep breath, forcing a smile back onto my face. I just had to hold on for a few more minutes, and then I would have a great excuse to leave the room. But for now, Kaz's hands still rested on Inej's, his fingers caressing the back of her hand as if they had known each other for a long time — like that was common.

“Well, Jesper, you owe me seven kruges,” Wylan said, nudging Jesper beside him. “I always knew they would be together, and I told you they would marry someday.”

“Here! Can we at least spend this somewhere better? It’s on me!” Jesper announced, pushing Kaz, Inej, and Wylan toward the Slat's door, probably leading them to a tavern.

I took the opportunity to move back a little. If I walked slowly, no one would notice me wiping away the insistent tears gathering in my eyes. It was a good plan; it seemed efficient — at least until Nina turned to look at me, a crease appearing on her face.

I turned away quickly, pretending to be engrossed in the laughter and chatter of the people around me, but my heart raced as I felt Nina’s gaze pierce through me. She always had a way of seeing right into my soul, as if she could read the unspoken words that hung heavy in the air just by the beating of the heart. I didn’t want to explain. I didn’t want anyone to know just how much this hurt. I was ashamed of feeling this way.

“Hey,” she called, her voice soft but insistent, cutting through the noise like a knife. “Are you alright?”

I forced a smile, the corners of my mouth trembling slightly. “Of course! Just a little… tired from all the excitement.” I could hear the strain in my own voice, the way it wavered like a fragile string about to snap. I didn’t want to burden her with my sadness, not when everyone else seemed so blissfully unaware of the turmoil inside me.

Nina studied me for a moment, concern in her features. “You don’t have to pretend with me,” she said, her tone gentle but firm. “If something’s wrong, you can tell me.”

But how could I explain? How could I put into words the weight of watching Kaz so effortlessly intertwining himself with Inej? The way his fingers glided over her hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world? It felt like a betrayal, a sharp knife twisting deeper into my chest with every shared laugh and glance between them.

But then, it wasn't really any betrayal. He was never mine in the first place; I just let myself be carried away by the feelings that I, alone, cultivated. If there was any pain, it was caused by my own blade.

“I just…” I hesitated, glancing back at the couple, my heart sinking further. Kaz looked radiant, a genuine smile lighting up his face, while Inej’s laughter rang out like music. They belonged together in a way I could never compete with.

The lump in my throat grew heavier, and I could feel the tears threatening to spill over. I focused on my glass instead, swirling the contents as if it could distract me from the ache inside. “I think I need some air,” I finally managed, voice barely above a whisper.

I looked around; we were still near the docks.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Nina asked, her brow furrowing in concern.

“No, really, I’ll be fine,” I insisted, hoping she wouldn’t press further. “Just a moment to breathe.”

With that, I slipped away, my heart pounding as I made my way toward an alcove. I needed to escape this suffocating atmosphere, the laughter that felt like a cruel taunt, reminding me of everything I would never have.

Once alone, the cool night air hit my face, refreshing yet stinging. I leaned against the wall, staring out into the darkness, the harbor lights twinkling like stars scattered across the horizon. I drew in a shaky breath, letting the chill wash over me, hoping it would quell this horrible feeling.

But even here, the ache wouldn’t fade. I couldn’t shake the image of Kaz and Inej, the way they fit together seamlessly, like pieces of a puzzle I would never belong to. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the tears to stay away, but it was a losing battle.

Just then, I heard Nina’s voice calling out as she followed me into the alcove. “Hey, wait!”

I turned to face her, the warmth of her concern washing over me, though I felt the heaviness still lodged in my chest.

“What’s going on?” she asked, stepping closer. “You don’t seem fine at all.”

“I just…” My voice faltered as I searched for words, but nothing felt adequate enough to express the turmoil inside me. “It’s hard to watch them together.”

Nina nodded, understanding flickering in her eyes. “I can see that. It’s okay to feel that way, you know. You’re human.”

“It’s just… they’re so happy,” I whispered, the weight of my emotions threatening to spill over. “I thought maybe I could be happy for him, too, but…”

“But it’s hard when you care about someone who seems so out of reach,” she finished gently, her empathy a balm against my pain.

I met her gaze, feeling the walls I had built around my heart start to crack. “Yeah. I didn’t expect to feel this way. I thought I was stronger than this.”

Nina stepped closer, a comforting presence. “You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to feel sad or hurt. Let it out.”

“I don’t want to burden you,” I said, tears stinging my eyes.

“You’re not a burden,” she insisted, her voice steady. “You’re my friend, and I care about you. Please, don’t shut me out.”

I took a deep breath, the weight of her words settling over me.

“Okay,” I said softly, my resolve beginning to waver. “I just feel�� lost. Watching Kaz with Inej feels like a reminder of everything I wanted but can’t have.”

Nina wrapped her arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. “I know it hurts, but it doesn’t take away from your worth. You deserve happiness too, in whatever form it takes.”

As I leaned into her embrace, the tears I had fought so hard to hold back finally spilled over, but instead of feeling shame, I felt relief.

But it still hurt, thinking about what could have been if I had ever told Kaz how I felt about him. The possibility hung heavy. I replayed countless moments in my mind — each memory felt like a knife, sharp and painful, cutting deeper into my heart, because they were all just my perspective, they were just me falling in love with him, it was never mutual.

What if I had mustered the courage to confess? Would he have felt the same way? Or would he have looked at me with pity, gently telling me he didn’t feel that way, shattering my heart? The thought of losing him was unbearable, and so I had stayed silent, choosing to bury my feelings deep where no one could see them.

As I leaned against the wall, Nina’s comforting presence beside me, I couldn’t help but think about the cost of my fear. It would have been so easy to share my heart with him, to let him know he meant more to me than just a friend. But the fear of ruining what we had kept my lips sealed. I had always valued our friendship more than the uncertainty of what could lie beyond it.

“Do you ever wonder what might have happened if you had told him?” Nina asked softly, breaking the silence that had settled between us.

I nodded, biting my lip to suppress the tears that threatened to spill again. “All the time. It’s like a constant ache in my chest. I think about it and wonder… if I could have been the one for him.”

Nina squeezed my shoulder gently, her gaze understanding. “It’s natural to wonder. But it’s also important to remember that our feelings don’t always dictate someone else’s. Kaz might have been surprised, but he could have reacted differently than you think.”

“Maybe,” I murmured, the thought lingering in my mind like a distant hope. “But I just… I couldn’t risk losing him. I couldn’t handle that kind of heartbreak.”

“I get that,” Nina replied. “But keeping it all inside can be just as painful."

I took a deep breath, considering her words. It was true; I had built a fortress around my heart, thinking it would protect me from pain. But in doing so, I had also kept out the possibility of something beautiful.

“Maybe I should have said something,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. Tears streaming down my face. “Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so lost.”

Nina smiled softly, her eyes shining with warmth and pity.

I glanced back toward the street, where Kaz and Inej were still laughing, lost in their own world. A pang of longing coursed through me, I would have to live with my choices.

“Thank you, Nina,” I said, my voice steadier now.

As I looked at them, memories washed over me like a warm wave, pulling me back to a night not too long ago.

It had been raining then, a heavy downpour that turned the streets of Ketterdam into glistening rivers. I had been sitting alone at a small table in a dimly lit tavern, nursing a drink and watching the rain dance against the window. I had felt so utterly lost, new in a different city, far from my family.

That was when Kaz had entered, soaked to the bone, shaking droplets off his coat like a stray dog. He had caught my eye immediately, and instead of joining the others, he had made his way over to me.

It was his way of hiring someone's services. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with him.

And now I had to live with it.

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Day 2: love confession

Masterlist flufftober 🎀

Reblog if you liked it!

When Spencer watched you enter the office he felt that strange thing again. It was as if his stomach was turning completely, his heart was racing uncontrollably and his brain was turning off completely. And that had been going on for the past few months which, honestly, had become a pain.

“I knew we would be the first to arrive” you laughed, extending one of the two cups you had in your hands towards him “I bought you one.”

“Bless you, I needed my morning caffeine” he laughed, and when he heard you laugh that empty feeling returned. It was as if your presence triggered symptoms of a strange illness that he didn't know how to cure and that morning he woke up knowing that he was going to clear things up. “Hey, can I ask you a personal question?”

“About me or your person?”

“About me,” he clarified and you smiled, leaning against his desk so you could hear him better. You nodded your head, so he could start telling you whatever he had to say. “I've been feeling strange… but I guess I don't know why that is.”

"What are you talking about?"

“It's been happening to me for a few weeks now. I have had heart abnormalities, my hands sweat, my face feels hot, and out of nowhere I become a nervous wreck and I feel a knot in my stomach. All at the same time and that is horrible”

“Jesus Christ, Reid…” you began, genuinely concerned. “And have you been to the doctor?”

“No, because my symptoms only appear when I see… a specific person. But I don't understand why it is, do you think there is an allergy to a human person?

You watched him for a few seconds, digesting what he had just said and wondering if he meant it; his expectant look suggested to you that it was so, and you kept thinking until you could find the right words for an answer.

“Are you telling me that all this happens to you only when you see that person?”

“Yes,” he admitted, oblivious to anything you were implying.

“And it happens at another time? You know, like when you think about that person” you murmured cautiously, watching him reflect afterwards and finally nod his head frantically.

“It's strange, right?”

“And haven't you thought that you might not be sick, but in love?” 

"In love?" he muttered confusedly, as if it were an impossibility “That's absurd.”

“Why would it be? All of that sounds to me like your body gets excited when you see that person and it can only be if you are in love with them” you smiled, truly amused by the matter “It's something completely normal.”

"But that can’t be. It would mean that I am in love with you.”

Spencer didn't mean to say that. Spencer pretended to think that. But once the words left his mouth and he realized the mistake he had just made, he felt all the blood rushing to his cheeks. He only meant to ask you what all that was about, you weren't supposed to know that you were responsible for it. 

"What did you say?"

"Nothing"

“Do you feel all that when you're with me?” you asked stunned, verifying your theory with the simple blush on his cheeks. Your friend's silence was prolonged, until he felt he owed you an apology for such an indiscreet outburst.

"I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable”

“You didn't,” you admitted, reaching out to pat his knee “I'm just surprised. And you flatter me, in a way."

“Can we just pretend this didn't happen?” he asked, his eyes squeezed shut in shame and his hands fiddling with each other.

You leaned in his direction and planted a kiss on his nose that forced him to open his eyes and look at you.

“I also feel that whole chemical mess when I'm around you. There is nothing to be ashamed of” you laughed, feeling his soft gaze on you and almost hearing his heart beating rapidly “Now get to work. They don't pay you to be pretty”

And the memory of that exchange was enough to keep Reid working with a sweet smile on his face all day.

taglist: @navs-bhat @reidwritings @tricia-shifting14 @spencerslove @vivian-555 @r-3dlips @rhiannonhippiegirl

[ldrfanatic]

Okay first of all.

I am so proud of you girl <333 Like literally you deserve it so much and the event is just 🛐

So I will go with a milk - Slytherin boys

My info:

I am quiet tall 5’8.5 but it’s good cause i am the biggest fashion lover. And my height let me rock fits. I am obsessed with shoes especially sneakers. I love streetwear and high fashion.

When it comes to my appearance i have dark blond/light brown wavy long hair and icy blue eyes. My friends are always making fun of me cause i got huge lips naturally and they call me either bitch face or bristlenose.

Nevertheless, I am the biggest sweetheart ever. I am always life and soul of the party and i just love people. It sometimes sucks as my friends need to protect me as I am bit too naive and trusting.

+ I love flirting. Like making boys lose their heads is my full time job. I don’t like hurting people feelings so when things can get serious i ran away as i am kinda scared of love after my father being a cheater.

When it comes to hobbies as i said Fashion is my whole life and plan for future. But i also dance i am ex hip hop now ballet dancer. And i wear headphones 24/7 listening to ASAP rocky, Plaboy Carti or Travis.

That’s all :)))))

Sending kisses to you shanty 😫 and i am so so so excited for it‼️

Bye!!!

Thank You So Much Anon!!!

1000 follower celebration my bookcase

I pair you with…. Mattheo Riddle! Hear me out:

So, Mattheo is not that much taller than you because he’s only about 6’0 but it’s perfect. He’s the perfect amount of taller than you to still be hot but not so much taller that either of you has to work too hard when you want a kiss (and kisses are very important to Mattheo)

He loves your style. Mattheo is a big fan of ass and there’s nothing that he loves more than a good paid of jeans. and with your long legs too? yeah he’s passed out.

Mattheo likes to joke but he will seriously lay out anyone that genuinely hurts your feelings or pokes fun at you for your lips. He’s dead serious. And completely unapologetic. Your eyes were definitely the first thing that he noticed about you and he’s not ashamed to admit it.

He is 100% down for protecting you and keeping you innocent and like untouched in a way. Before you started dating a lot of people warned you about Mattheo but then you realized how much of a teddy bear he is inside and that most people just only got either scary Mattheo or super flirty Mattheo.

After the two of you start dating, you guys become the center of pretty much every major happening at hogwarts. not only because you’re both super social, but also because Mattheo now focuses all of his efforts on you and can and will get distracted by your existence no matter what setting it is. (Mattheo, it’s the middle of a quidditch match, get back on your broom dawg).

He does understand that with your past and his reputation, why you might be scared. For the first few months you guys take it kind of slow. He doesn’t put any labels on anything until you’re ready but he lets you and everyone else know that he’s yours.

He loves watching you dance and will sometimes sneak into the room if he sees you dancing just to watch for a little while. He will be whatever you need him to be when you’re designing whether it’s someone to give a second opinion, hold your supplies, or just test out fabrics to tell you which ones are too scratchy.

You guys have incredibly similar tastes in Music due to the fact that Mattheo will listen to pretty much anything that he thinks has a good beat. He loves Travis and listens to a decent amount of both Jack Harlow and Rod Wave. Don’t ask him about a favorite song tho. He can’t choose.

mattheo’s nicknames for you:

- goddess (most frequent use)

- honey bunches (mostly in the beginning said it to annoy you but now it’s caught on and he can’t stop)

- will call you a siren or a temptress if you’re in a really killer dress for any kind of event or date.

TYSM for this ask. I tried to get it as detailed as possible! :)

[deathmetalunicorn1]

happy Easter. <3 I'm the anon who kicked the door the other day :D ANDDDD the petit reader x gods fic HOLY MOLY got me on my knees, I NEED TO SEE THAT WITH OTHER GODS, please please please, like Buddha and hades, pleaseeee. 😩😩😩😩😩

-You were a petite little goddess, being only a minor flower goddess, but you never seemed to let your size get your way.

-You were a fierce warrior in your own right, using a whip made of briars, so you weren’t a pushover, not by any means.

-Here lately you’ve been the butt of a lot of jokes regarding your darling husband, others, mainly goddesses but a few gods, asking how you handle him in the bedroom.

-Some had been a bit cruel to you, asking you if you could even satisfy them due to your petite size, which has left you feeling not only upset, but rather self-conscious as well.

-He noticed you pouting in bed when he entered your shared bedroom, raising an eyebrow, seeing you hugging his pillow tightly to your chest.

-He sat beside you and reached out, brushing your hair out of your face, “Wanna tell me what’s got you upset?”

-Your eyes shifted to him for a moment before you sat up, putting his pillow down and sat up on your knees, “Are you happy being with me?”

-Your bold question made his eyes widen, only for a moment, “What brought this on?”

-Your eyes fell, sliding to your rear, looking a bit ashamed, almost embarrassed, “Am I good- umm… do I- do I satisfy you, in bed I mean?”

-He was even more surprised by this question, a small grin appearing on his face, which made you upset, “Of course you satisfy me, Y/N. Now tell me, who’s got you thinking this nonsense?”

-You bit your bottom lip lightly, annoyed as you thought he wasn’t taking this seriously.

-He noticed that you didn’t think this was a silly thing, you were genuinely upset about this, which made his eyes narrow, as he knew someone had said something.

-Your cheeks puffed up in a pout and you lunged, surprising (God) as you easily pinned him down on his back, sitting across his waist, “Fine! I’ll prove it to you that I can satisfy you!”

Buddha

-He grinned slightly up at you, seeing your determination to prove this to him, he wanted to just roll you over and cuddle you senseless to help you get rid of these thoughts in your mind. He made a mental note to find out who had been upsetting you, as nobody upsets you, as he relaxed, letting you do as you please.

-Had he known you were so sadistic, he would have taken control when he was still able to move his arms, as you had bound them together with your whip, the dull thorns giving him just the slightest bit of pain as you sucked the tip of his cock, making him throw his head back.

-Having just forced two orgasms out of him, he was so sensitive, and now you were overstimulating him with your kitten licks.

-He bucked his hips up, part of him wanted more, he wanted to be inside you, while the other was begging you to stop.

-Your soft giggle made a chill run up his spine as you sat up, your hand wrapping around his length, stroking him slowly.

-You smiled down at him, seeing him huffing harshly, mouth open, sweat making his hair stick to his forehead, “You look so good like this my love~ I may have to do this more often.”

-He bucked his hips up into your hand, clenching his teeth, “You can do what you want just let me fuck you!”

-His words made your self-confidence soar, but his eyes widened as your smile morphed into a smirk, evil flashing across your eyes, “Hmm~ why should I?”

-He paled up at you, terrified that you were going to torture him some more, before you smiled, quickly moving to straddle him, “Next time~”

-He threw his head back as you sank down on top of him, your own moan mixing with his, sharp little gasps of pleasure escaping your lips before you lifted your hips to slam back down.

-Your pace was tortuously slow, making Buddha writhe beneath you, trying to buck up into you, but your hands were on his chest, keeping him held down.

-Your fun was interrupted when he snapped your vines with ease, losing his temper and he immediately sat up and pulled you down hard before bucking harshly up into you.

-Your nails dug into his shoulders as you let out a cry of pleasure, followed by several more as your legs wrapped tightly around his waist.

-His eyes were focused on making this end, needing a breather, for a bit at least and his rough pace quickly had you coming undone, crying out around him as he made sure you were fully seated as he pumped you full, spilling out easily.

-He was gasping hard, hugging you to him as your hands wound in his hair, clutching at him, panting heavily.

-He dared not to move, fearing he wouldn’t be able to, but slowly he did, first his head, pressing a kick to your neck, then to your cheek, then your lips.

-His forehead rested against your own as he closed his eyes, “I can’t feel my legs.” Your giggle made him grin before you slowly tried to untangle yourselves to clean up.

Hades

-His hand lifted to cup your cheek, smiling up at you softly, seeing the fire and determination in your eyes, he knew you were doing this because you were upset, someone had said something, as he knew you were a very confident person. He grinned, letting you pin his arms down to the side, letting you take control.

-He swallowed hard, trying to keep his hands on the bed, one of the orders you gave to him, as you slowly bobbed your head up and down his shaft, the pace torturous, he wanted nothing more than to grab your head and face fuck you, the thought alone nearly made him cum.

-He looked down at you, your name barely a whisper on his lips and you peeked up at him

-He saw the corners of your mouth tilt up in a smile before you swallowed deeply, relaxing your throat to take him as deep as you could.

-He groaned loudly, his head tilting back and his back arching just slightly as you bobbed deeply, hollowing your cheeks as you went, sucking his soul from his body.

-When you pulled away with a wet pop, he huffed deeply, his chest rising and falling rapidly but he was given no time to think as your hand wrapped around him as far as it would go and began to pump him at a fast pace.

-You smiled down at him, moving to straddle his legs, just below his cock, he struggled to make eye contact with you, as when he would try you would give him a harder squeeze, taking his breath away.

-When he finally came undone you smiled, letting him rest, slowly stroking him through his orgasm; his eyes felt like they had crossed, only for a moment, when he fell over the edge.

-When Hades caught his breath you immediately stole it away from him as he looked up at you, seeing you licking his cum from your fingers, meeting his eyes. He swallowed when your devilish tongue poked out again, licking your lips and you couldn’t help but smirk down at him.

-You lowered your body to lay on his, his cock hardening against your belly as your nails trailed over his nipples, “You were so good for me, my love. So good~ do you think you can cum for me again like that?”

-He instantly snapped, lunging up and easily manhandling you to quickly have you on your hand and knees before shoving your head down into the mattress.

-You went to protest but the only thing that came out was a long moan as he fisted his cock, quickly entering your soaked pussy with a hiss himself.

-He gave you no chance to adjust and began to jackhammer into you, pounding you into the bed.

-Your voice was shaky as you cried out his name, your hands stretching out to clutch the blankets in front of you.

-One of his hands slid up your arm to hold your hand from the top while the other kept a firm grip on your hip, pulling you back hard, forcing the air in your lungs out with each thrust.

-Your voice went up in pitch, whines leaving you as you were begging him for more.

-For a half a second he contemplated teasing you like how you teased him, but he decided not to, this time, quickly pulling back and grabbing your waist with both hands.

-He filled you up so quickly, making you cum hard around him, milking him as you whined softly, twitching around him, gasping for air as his hands shook on your waist.

-Hades inhaled deeply before slowly pulling out, watching his cum gush out of you, making a groan leave him as you collapsed to your side.

-He was quick to pull you into his arms, both of you whispering praises to each other, exchanging soft kisses, completely exhausted but satisfied.

Rudra

-Your strength never failed to impress him, grinning fondly up at you, a pair of his hands coming to your waist while the others laid out to his side. His eyes were full of love for you, but he quickly felt himself stiffening at your dominance, finding it very attractive when you took control.

-Rudra made a mental note to find out whoever upset you because you were killing him, but if he died like this, with you riding his cock, he would die a happy man.

-It had been almost an hour since you first started ‘torturing’ him, playing with his nipples, sucking him to the point of where his thighs were shaking, and forcing three- three orgasms out of him!

-He knows you had not cum once, focusing on his pleasure only, something that made him feel almost shy but at the same time happy, so happy that you were doting on him so much.

-When you finally sunk down onto him, he almost broke his resolve, wanting to grab you and hold you down and ravage you until you fainted, but he held back, wanting to show you what you did to him.

-He was gasping up at you, pleading with you as your pace had slowed, just as he was getting close again, denying him his orgasm, the second time that night.

-His teeth were clenched together, fury blazing in his eyes as he gazed up at your beautiful body, his voice husky and deep, a warning in his tone, “Y/N I swear- if you stop-” you slammed down hard, drawing a groan out of him before he hissed up at you again.

-You smirked down at him, never looking more beautiful, your hands on his stomach as you rolled your hips once more, “Oh~ what are you going to do, Storm God?”

-Your sass, your disrespect made his eyes flash red and he quickly had you on your back with a sharp squeal; one hand held your above your head, two were on your hips as he back to fuck into with no regard to your comfort, while the fourth went to your throat, giving it a slight squeeze.

-He groaned, his head falling as he felt you clench hard around him, giving your neck another squeeze as you whined out his name, making you gasp.

-His hand that was pinning your hands down moved quickly as he sat up, only slightly, pulling you hard down onto his cock, his hand moving to your cunt to rub against your sensitive jewel, making a shriek leave your lips.

-He almost froze when you squirted around him, your head falling back and your mouth opening in a silent scream as your eyes crossed but he continued, fucking you through your orgasm until he came deep within you.

-His hands gripped you tightly, almost to the point of pain, as his head lowered to your chest, feeling lightheaded as you whimpered through the remains of your orgasm, your hands rising to his head, as he slumped against you, scratching your nails against his scalp.

-Once he calmed down, his throat now sore, he pulled back before moving to kiss you deeply, making you hum into the kiss, your arms around his neck.

-Once you were both cleaned up, having soaked in the bath together, you held Rudra against your chest as he laid on top of you, he felt so relaxed and refreshed, “Once I can move again, I’m gonna go beat up whoever upset you. I want names, Y/N, now.” You giggled only softly before you quickly realized he wasn’t joking.

Loki

-His smile was shining brightly like the sun at you, his hands on your thighs, holding you in place. Loki loves it when you get more aggressive in the bedroom, and this time was no different, you didn’t need to prove anything to him, but he wasn’t going to turn down any bedroom fun.

-If you had known how much fun it was going to be to ‘torture’ Loki in the bedroom, you would have been doing it for years.

-He was such a brat to you, disobeying your orders, he kept trying to grab you, and just being more of a little shit than normal, until you were quick to realize that he wanted you to put him in his place.

-Your vines were quickly holding his arms down about his heads, his legs spread, running a nail down the underside of his cock, making him groan loudly, unable to speak after you put a ball gag in his mouth, one that he usually made you wear.

-You giggled softly, pressing a kiss to the tip of his cock, holding the vibrator just far enough away where he couldn’t feel it as he tried to buck his hips.

-You licked the tip like it was a lollipop, relishing the groan that escaped him, the sound going straight for your cunt, making your own back arch.

-You sat up, crawling over so your head was in front of his, his eyes were blown wide from pleasure, and he could see the delight in your own as you brushed a tear from his cheek, “Do you want me to remove the gag? Are you going to be my good boy now and beg nicely?”

-He was instantly nodding, and you quickly removed the ball gag and the sound of him begging you, calling out your name, nearly made you cum around nothing, “Please-please- I want- please I’ve been good- so good for-for you! I wanna-wanna cum- please!!”

-You’ve been edging him for almost the past half hour, and that’s after forcing two out of him already, he wanted another so badly.

-You slid down and grasped his cock and let your wet core hover over it just for a moment before you sank down onto him, a breathless gasp leaving you and an elongated moan falling from his lips.

-You sat there, completely still, only for a moment before you began to ride him, letting his legs go, which he thanked you for, wiggling beneath you.

-You smiled down at him, leaning over so your lips were almost touching, “If I let your arms go, will you be a good boy? I will reward you if you behave?”

-He throbbed deep within you, making you squeak before he nodded, unable to form words, pussy drunk on you and your vines were quick to vanish.

-His hands wound in the blankets by his head, gasping up at you and you smiled, reaching behind you to grab the vibrator, lifting it to your lips with an evil grin as you turned it on to full power, “Would you like your reward, my love?”

-His eyes went wide in fear, only for a moment before he swallowed hard, “Now- yes please! Give-give me- YES!!!” you reached behind you and pressed it against his balls, making him buck hard into you, making you shriek in pleasure.

-You felt him twitching within you and your head fell back, “Cum-cum-cum!!” he nearly screamed, and you felt warmth flood into you and he nearly sobbed as you kept the vibrator against him, rocking against him until you fell undone as well.

-You turned the vibrator off, tossing it to the side before you looked down at Loki whom you weren’t sure was still conscious.

-You whined as you lifted yourself off of him and cleaned you both up.

-You peppered his face in kisses as he slowly came down from his high, basking in your soft affections, calming him down.

-Once he was coherent enough to speak, after you gave him water, he spoke, “I don’t think I can have sex again for the rest of the month.”

-You pouted lightly, sitting up as your index finger came to your lips, “Oh~ that’s too bad. I got a strap on that I wanted to try out~” he was instantly sitting up, grinning brightly at you, standing at full attention downstairs, “I’m ready when you are!!”

[boomer293]

Congratulations Between Friends

Short story propaganda featuring Wilder and @tatonslice 's Galacchio for this year's @kirbyoctournament ))

Galacchio stared in complete disbelief at the results of their round one group. Wilder was right, he made it through. Not only that, but he had won by a landslide.

"Atta boy! I told ye people'll love ye!" Wilder quickly appeared behind his friend and gave them a pat on the back, laughing.

"A-Ah! Wilder! Don't scare me like that." Galacchio adjusted his hat after jumping in surprise.

"I can't help it, just look at dat! Ye did it partner! What? Can I not come over to congratulate my best friend?"

"I guess not, still, keep it down a bit..."

"Fine...." Wilder fiddled with his whip, wrapping it back up after it had came undone. "How was it buddy? I still didn't see ya around much these past few days."

"It was terrifying! I don't know how I won when I avoided anyone I saw..."

"What! Still not trying to meet anybody? What about yer opponent? Didja not talk to em'?"

"...No, I...got too nervous..." Galacchio rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, looking down ashamed.

Wilder quickly put a hand on his forehead and sighed. "What am I going to do with you, boy..."

"Hey!-"

"No heys, Galacchio! You gotta at least congratulate your opponent!" Wilder interrupted.

"Fine...I'll go find them later."

"We'll find then later buddy, I don't trust ya to actually go and do it."

"W-Who do you take me for, Wilder! I-I'm not just going to flake out on that!" Galacchio stomped his foot in flustered frustration, Wilder could learn to be a bit less blunt now and then.

"Buddy, yer so flakey that I could touch yer cloak and 'ave it crumble."

"Says the one with the whip that's falling apart!"

"No way! It's just a style thing!"

"As if! I-I've seen straws more durable than that!"

"Whatever, wizzrobe!

"Alright, McCree!"

Both of them devolved into a fit of giggles, throwing a few more playful jabs at each other before turning back to the results of Galacchio's group.

"Still...I don't understand why I made it through, I wasn't even going to be here originally." Galacchio stared at nothing in particular.

"That don't matter! You won in the end, first round's always the biggest hurdle!" Wilder winced as he said that, knowing it was one he couldn't overcome himself.

"Well...it was really because of you." Galacchio turned back to Wilder.

"Ah! What did I tell ya 'bout selling yerself short!"

"But really, Wilder! You're the one who invited me in the first place, you're the one who's been running around telling people about how awesome I am, you're the one keeping me here..." Galacchio shushed Wilder before he could retort. "Wilder, thank you, I thought I'd be done for already."

Wilder just tipped his hat, smiling. "Aw, shucks. Someone had to do it, partner, it ain't a problem."

"No one had to it, Wilder, you just did it anyways. That's what I want to thank you for."

"Seriously buddy, I didn't even think twice."

Galacchio laughed, a genuine, tender smile on his face. "I think that's one of the few times your impulsiveness worked out."

"Never doubt me partner! This here gut o' mine never leads me wrong!"

"Except that one time when you threw yourself into the-"

"HEY HEy hey! We don't talk 'bout dat right?"

"Ahaha! You might not, but it's my favourite story to tell!"

"Well I ain't going around tellin' everyone bout the time you fell asleep during-"

"W-W-Wait! Ok, I see your point now." Galacchio rushed to interrupt what Wilder was about to say, their flustered reaction getting Wilder to chuckle.

"Or what about the time when visiting your momma when you-"

"W-Wilder! Save it for when we're gonna face each other, alright?" Galacchio stumbled, unaware that what they said wouldn't ever happen as Wilder looked down.

"Yeah...about that, buddy. You ain't seen the results o' the other groups, have ya?"

Galacchio tilted his head, he didn't really think to check. After all, the only person he was really rooting for was Wilder, and there was no way he'd lose with the amount of charisma he has. He was the one who got Galacchio his win after all. "No? I mean, you won by a landslide right?"

"Well...buddy, the thing is-"

"I mean, I got through Round One by a lot, there's no way you didn't completely dominate it-"

"Galacchio, listen to me...I don't know what to tell you-"

"You're funny, really nice, everybody you meet loves you. You make people smile, you just ooze charisma, there's just no way you'd lose and I'd win."

Galacchio started talking over Wilder, he did not want to believe it. He understood what Wilder was trying to say, but he just couldn't believe it. He needed Wilder to still be in the running, he needed Wilder to keep fighting for the both of them, he needed to believe that Wilder was going to the next round with him.

"Galacchio, I lost."

Everything came crashing down like a ton of bricks, for the both of them.

"W-W-What?"

"I'm out buddy, lost Round One."

"You mean...I'm...there's..." Galacchio suddenly brought Wilder into a hug, and Wilder dropped his whip is surprise. "I'm so sorry, I should've helped you as much as you helped me."

"Hey...partner, it's ok..." Wilder tried to convince Galacchio, but it was clear he was downtrodden from his defeat.

"It's not ok! I should've done something. I know how much you were looking forward to this!"

"It's not dat big a deal...really...I'm fine."

"Wilder, I can tell you're not..."

"But what am I supposed to do 'bout it? 'M out o' the runnin'! Das it, bar's closed, git out!" Wilder was angry, he lost by the smallest percent, just a few more could have made the difference, but now he's done. Truth be told, he'd been angry since he first found out, even when he came over to congratulate Galacchio on his win, he was angry.

"Wilder...they aren't throwing you out...you can still have fun, right? Isn't that what you came for? Not t-to win...but to have fun."

After lashing out, Wilder quickly calmed himself down. Galacchio was right, just because he lost, that doesn't mean he's done with this.

"Well...I guess I'll be a part of yer entourage den! Yer still in, so that practically counts fer both o' us, right?"

"Wilder...I didn't mean it like that...I just mean you could keep running around and talking to people like you usually do."

"Well, too bad! I'm now team Galacchio's number one fan!"

Galacchio sighed and face palmed. Wilder's ability to rebound from a bad mood was astounding to him. "You really...really don't have to do that!"

"Too bad! M' already making banners!"

"Wilder!"

"I can see it now, you walkin' in to the finals, people following behind ya with flags, banners and other such things!"

"Oh please god no...I don't think I could handle that."

"Welp! Ye better learn! Cause now I'm gonna do everything in my power to make dat happen!"

Galacchio grumbled as Wilder put a hand around his back, pulling them in while laughing heartily. It's good to know that Galacchio's got the support he needs, for better or for worse.

[toomuchsmoshbrainrot]

genuinely why the fuck am i like this

mall au ayoooo (names removed again because i do that for some reason)

---

After their shifts were over, he pulled out his phone and called her, asking her to meet him at the store instead of their usual meeting place in the food court. As soon as she appeared in the doorway, he slung his bag over his shoulder and joined her.

“I fucking hate Black Friday,” he groaned, falling into step beside her as they left the comic book store.

“Tell me about it,” she sighed. “People are so rude.”

“Everything okay?” he asked, a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

She shrugged. “Yeah, I can handle it,” she nodded. “Kind of wish I could be rude back, though. But at least I’m not the guy who had a knife pulled on him, did you hear about that?”

He eyed her disapprovingly.

“No, I’m serious!” she insisted. “Someone came running into our store earlier, shouting about some guy with a knife in one of the other stores. Said he was threatening one of the employees because they were out of something? I mean honestly, some people need to get a life, the world doesn’t revolve around you, like, how can you be so fucking entitled, it’s insane…”

He cut her off, looking at the floor sheepishly. “Yeah, you could say I’ve ‘heard about it’. That’s why I made you meet me here today. Didn’t particularly want to be walking around alone after that.”

“And my tiny ass is gonna protect you?” she scoffed. “You literally ooze confidence, I’m sure you could have taken him if it was you. Just grab one of the swords off the wall or something, you weirdo.”

“Those swords aren’t real,” he laughed lightly. “And, uh…” he trailed off, his voice small and shaking, the tears threatening to fall again. He was almost ashamed to admit it – she saw him as someone confident, he couldn’t show her how weak he’d been. “It WAS me, and I very much could not ‘take him’.”

Her eyes went wide. “…what do you mean, it was you?” she asked flatly. “That’s not fucking funny, don’t joke about that.”

“I wish I was,” he cried out, finally letting himself break.

“Wait, what the fuck? Are you serious?” she asked. He turned away from her, refusing to meet her eyes. She grabbed his shoulder and forced him to turn back toward her. “What do you mean, you ‘couldn’t take him’? Are you okay? Is he okay?”

“We’re okay,” he reassured her. “Physically, at least. Not sure I’m gonna be okay mentally for a while, though.” He held a shaking hand up to show her. “I’m still really shaken up, I don’t know, I…”

She grabbed his hand to still the shaking. “You’d be crazy if you WEREN’T scared,” she nodded. “Is he holding up okay?”

“He was incredible, actually. He saw the guy threaten me and stepped into the back for a second to call security right away…”

“And left you out there alone with him?” she shouted.

“He was only gone a few seconds,” he told her. “Just long enough to page security without the guy hearing him. But as soon as security showed up, he sent me to sit in the back for as long as I needed to, made sure I had a bottle of water, he made sure I was taken care of. I owe him big time.”

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” she asked. “I don’t want you to be alone.”

[josiebelladonna]

*sigh* i have sexual interest/arousal disorder. i’m pretty sure of it.

look at it like this: physically, I am a gender-fluid woman with an extremely low, nearly nonexistent sexual drive. i have almost no interest in anything sexual, and a couple of years ago, it started to come to a point to where it’s bothering me to no end: now i’m pretty much jaded. i’m not a liar, i won’t lie when i say i’m really unsure as to whom i’m attracted to, and i never questioned it down to the granular level until a mere few years ago. i tend to be drawn to men who are soft in appearance with long hair, intelligent, and artistic; there might be some same-sex attraction here but i can’t say for sure. i don’t feel straight, but i look at naked women and i don’t feel anything. i also don’t think of myself as sexy or attractive at all, especially when i try to picture myself in lingerie and just knowing i’ll look ridiculous in it.

emotionally, i need a deep connection with someone in order to be naked in front of them—like really deep, they better take a bullet for me—but relationships are “not my thing” as it were. i don’t care if i don’t have anyone in my life… and you guessed it, this bugs the shit out of me. i am extremely reluctant to talk about sex out in the open, and in fact i feel really weird and exposed writing this, and i worry that i could completely turn someone away with what i’m into. i’m ashamed of setting boundaries and my own fantasies. i’m so ashamed of my fantasies that i threw them away last night. i threw them all out. i refuse to have any more.

mentally, i’m ashamed of wanting to explore my kinks. i genuinely hate them and i hate how there’s so many of them, too: i don’t take being called kinky a compliment, tbh. i’m admittedly closed off to exploring: i feel the desire to explore but i can’t bring myself to actually carrying it out. i have a laundry list of kinks behind me and they are all vastly underserved: it’s hard to find people who are into everything i like, and i’m reluctant to join a site like fetlife—i can’t do it. i just can’t. add to this, i search for my kinks on here (tumblr having been sanitized in the last few years aside) and what i find never completely satisfies me, there’s always something off, there’s always some text post that piques my interest but then there’s a line that just completely ruins it—why do you think i try to write my own stuff? i educate myself in secret but happiness constantly eludes me. it’s easy for me to say that something is terribly wrong with me for having so many kinks. i’m way too kinky for my own good and there’s no way out. no way out.

my sexual self is without question the biggest source of pain and misery for me. it’s this dead weight on my shoulders and does absolutely nothing to empower me. sexuality is meaningless to me, something that only serves to break me apart and remind me of what i could easily have if it was all different from the inside. i hate my sexual self. i want my sexual self to just fuck right off because it’s not doing anything. i have to be a cisgender bisexual woman with a high drive and be able to talk about sex at the drop of the hat and only be into a couple of kinks like bdsm. i have to be an ai generated green druidess.

…

i know something is wrong, too, like there’s just naturally being on the down low and then there’s this. there has to be a way out of it.

[chernayavidua]

🔥🔥 ( light it up up up )

OUT OF WIDOW !! 

oh boy! two??? you are giving me too much power, ivy! let's see,,,,, which two of my many salty unpopular opinions can i rant about? 🤔

                 THE LACK OF GENUINE INTEREST in writing with mutuals outside of their favs. and no, i don't mean people you've known for years. i don’t mean friend circles that have been cultivated over years. i mean bare minimum interacting: liking a post, commenting on a post, sending random asks. everyone wants to receive, receive, receive but so few people are willing to give. so many people follow blogs whose posts they never ever give a single like to. you end up having the same 2 people liking your posts, commenting and sending you memes even though you have many more followers. which leads to so many people, myself included, feeling like they're being collected and or used to pad someone's follow list. the lack of interest and interactions between mutuals is shocking because this hobby of ours revolves around communication. which is something i think people forget. i also think that now a days people are after that quick dopamine hit of quick banter and memes. i also think that another reason for the lack of interaction is due to the amount of followers someone has. yes, more followers means you get more likes on your posts but there is no way that person will be able to interact in all of the, say, 200 blogs they follow. remember when dash commentary was a thing? remember when people would reply from mobile because they were excited to rp? i might not have been in the rpc for long during that time but it was nice, like i didn't need all this other frilly stuff to rp with people on here. recently i tried my hand at commenting more on people's posts as an alternative to liking the post and the amount of replies to got in return was like two maybe three at most. which was surprising tbh

                 MALE MUSES GET MORE ATTENTION THAN FEMALE ONES. no one will be able to change my mind. i will die on this hill. i've been rping successfully on here for two years. and in those two years i have seen blogs of male characters get so many new followers so quickly. people basically throwing themselves at that blog trying to interact with them. ( yes i'm guilty of this. no, let's not talk about it. i am ashamed ) if the fc is a hot yt dude from a recently popular show or movie and the blog had an aethetic-y appearance, they're gonna get all sorts of follows. even in the same fandom there can be two blogs and the blog for the popular yt male character will get more attention than the female one. i've not only experienced this first hand years ago but have seen this happen in real time on my dash and i will never not be baffled by it. i mean, look at how many new st*ve and j*mes blogs there are in the marbel fandom vs how many new s*m wil*on blogs there are.

[yukisubmarino]

I finished Bloom Into You and liked it quite a bit more than I expected!

From the jump I thought this was going to be a show about a curious first-year’s hopeless crush on her overachieving senpai, and I turned out to be only half right. When it became clear that the power dynamics were flipped by ep2, I was hooked. 

I especially related to Koito’s hesitancy towards Nanami’s explicit desire. Because same-sex love stubbornly refuses to appear in mainstream media and popular standards of decorum, queerness is still somewhat of a learned behavior for a lot of folk. Exploring my own queerness still approaches a learning curve, and I greatly appreciate how this show demonstrates how difficult this can be for a developing mind. While Koito’s ambivalent feelings are certainly natural, they are in no way easy to understand with no one around to give her any guidance. 

I also found a lot of value in Nanami’s own self exploration. And while I do think there’s a bit of melodrama attached to her words (”You can’t love me because I hate myself, and I can’t love someone who likes something I hate” yeah are you sure you’re seventeen years old?), I at least appreciated how she attributes her own self-loathing to something other than queerness. There’s a whole lot of drama and internal struggle here, but a genuinely affirming aspect of this show is that no one seems to be ashamed of who they love. 

If there’s any place where this show lags for me, it’s in how the characters are presented. Much like a lot of same-sex pairings in similar romances, Nanami and Koito rarely seem believably gay. And I write that with a lot of hesitancy as someone who has never been a gay woman, but I think it’s fair to say that just about every side character in this show presents more typically lesbian traits than our leads. But considering how typical that is in anime (and how little I care about stuff like this anymore), it’s only a small complaint for an otherwise faithfully rendered queer story. 

While pretty, I’m not going to put this show’s visuals on the same level of something like Hibike (sidenote: this show does give some insight on what a Kumiko/Asuka ship would look like), nor am I going to rate the queer aspects of this show on the same level of something like Wandering Son. But it does just about everything well, especially the last few episodes, and I’m very happy to have experienced it. 8/10

[macncherries]

by the way, id like to thank everyone for all of the love on this; especially in regards to praising the body types here.

i work really hard generally, but especially on this, to portray characters I like in different lights than what the original media can give them. due to the manga creation process, and most definitely animation process, things are simplified. i have a worm in my brain that tells me to do the opposite, to extreme amounts. thank you all for indulging my schizo-posting. but more importantly, thank you to everyone who recognizes themselves or others in the body types here.

more below the cut, im going to ramble a lot.

my detail interest mostly applies to faces, as you can see, but Laios is very special to me. He has a BMI of 26, which by all technicality is "overweight". which is crazy to me because in his character art that literally serves the purpose of depicting his body type, he is nowhere near overweight.

you can obviously see hes more well-fed than other characters, but he has virtually no fat or muscle definition (other than those pecs, holy SHIT Kui. GAW DAMN.) anyways, my point here, is that if he's overweight, (which he should be, food is yummy :3) (and you know his whole characters purpose is to consume) then he should look adjacent to what his environment necessitates of him. i.e. he has a big appetite, has the motivation to consume a lot of things, has quite a bit of strength (but not so much as to out-do other races), and fights monsters daily. This says to me his body much match these circumstances.

im not dissing Kui for this decision, by the way. I think everyone has different interpretations of Laios, and what Kui puts out is definitely by all means canon. I try to apply circumstance, context and nuance to the existing canon. Its not me overwriting it entirely. Its the "parent" media after all, I've just taken it and made a sibling/child. I hope that makes sense.

anyways. a few comments on my OG post I want to highlight, cuz they mean a lot to me

thank you...... this means a lot... i want people to look like people, as silly as that is to say. Im really glad I seem to be (?) succeeding. I sometimes with my artstyle was a little bit more realism based, but its kind of difficult to find a balance. I don't know if what I do now is considered "semi realism" but I do want my bodies to look completely realistic. I gave them both scars, and yet I haven't had top surgery yet either. Im glad that you're able to see yourself nonetheless. I am a White Man so I do not feel comfortable identifying with Kabru too heavily (appearance-wise) but I am also slightly underweight, and generally have dark features, so I like to think his body type is also realistic. I'm really, really thankful for this comment. I don't know that I'm putting it into words very well, because its something I struggle with, but I do appreciate it.

just so you know, i read this comment in my notifications while I was at work, and genuinely started to tear up. I am very very happy to hear it. You already have a comment of mine stating this, but I really do appreciate it. Especially the line about seeing these bodies at waterparks. I know its not your intention, but it makes me happy to think about because it means the person with said body isn't ashamed of it; to be out in public and whatnot. Also, Man Studies is a dutifully coined term. i love it. I'm happy to have heard it. I draw men a lot, actually pretty much only men, admittedly. So I work extra hard on them. Thank you for the recognition, professor

anyways, i have news. this ref/HC sheet has some new editions coming to it. along with a google doc of all of the research/notes I've done while re-reading the manga. mmm... autism... she is a beaut. if you're wondering how I have this much time on my hands, its because I'm doing all of this while I'm at work. Autism-diving helps my 40 hour work week go by faster. so I'm glad you're all enjoying that.

no one gets it. this is waht autism does to a mf. welcome to macncherries schizo-posting :(

[justanothergreb]

So I'm going to be a bit open and honest about fathers day and why I personally have really started to struggle with it in recent years. Mentions of abuse, abandonment, coercive control and just general heavy stuff. Also really long so grab a cuppa.

I know a lot of people don't really go for the sharing of your life on the internet but for me, a problem/experience shared lightens the burden and really helps me to process my thoughts (while possibly helping others). If my mum ever knew I had even talked about this she would be devastated. But I think its time I shared a bit of my story to help explain, well me.

I'd always know he wasn't my dad. It had just been me and mum til I was 6 and he just appeared on the scene. Mum would really kill me for saying this but I was introduced to a few people as a child, none of whom stuck around, largely cos of me really. It is true it takes a good man to take on someone else's child and the men of Nottingham just weren't feeling it in the early 90s. So imagine my shock this one wanted to. I remember distinctly two things - crying when she told me she was getting married ("but i don't want or need a dad" - remember I was 6) and at one point saying "I guess I should start calling you dad then" while playing in the old house.

It's weird growing up knowing that technically you aren't related to someone. There's like an unspoken rule at doctor's appointments you play along - didn't grandad have a heart attack? - you never mention the fact you look nothing alike (thankfully it is very clear I am of my very Scottish family). We played along blissfully ignorant, until one day, after a nasty argument at school, when someone told me "she says he's not your real dad". My response was "does everything think I don't know. Who the fuck is she to tell people?"

I went home and told my mum immediately. I knew what I was doing but I was 14 and wanted to know the truth. Mum was devastated, ashamed and angry at how I had found out. But the shock grew when I said I already knew the truth, did everyone think I was that stupid a child. Dad came home and tried to keep up the facade until she said "she knows the truth". I remember saying it changed nothing for either of them and it was actually a relief it was out in the open.

Mum eventually told me details on a walk to a retail park. My real dad had been abusive and I wasn't planned. Mum hoped that by keeping me, he would stop the abuse but he didn't. He showed no interest in having a child. She hoped, in a futile attempt to make him care, that by giving me his surname he would stay and care. It made no difference. I promised her that day I would never look him up - I genuinely had no interest to so it was an easy promise to make. It was however a bit of a burden knowing that somebody really didn't love you or care your existence.

Now, you might be thinking everything was great at home. Here was a man willing to step up and look after a child who wasn't his and love her. For the large part I had a happy childhood but it's only now on looking back you realise that actually the signs were always there.

There was the control of money; Mum wasn't allowed to work anymore and had to ask for money. She didn't get a part-time job until I was in secondary school to "make ends meet". Friends were controlled for both me and Mum - I wasn't allowed any friends over and they had to be heavily vetted when they did come over. Our cupboards had to be completely empty before we could buy any food and there was no choice in what we could have. The arguments, while infrequent, were explosive and often I was left with Dad after Mum walked out or taken to Nana's. Dad managed to help engineer a complete breakdown between my Mum and her family which lasted until my 18th birthday (although we all know my mum could fall out with her shadow).

As a teenager, I started to find my feet as well me. I got opinions and a voice, I discovered rock and goth, I met friends equally as unusual as me. I started dressing in baggies and band tight t-shirt something which went down badly at home, particularly with Dad. I remember a huge argument after coming home from a Saturday in town after demands I get changed because "your grandad doesn't need to see you dressed like that".

Every diary I've ever kept was read by Dad and on two occasions I was confronted with what was written (what can I say, child of the internet) and in fact one diary he took away and kept as blackmail for my behaviour. I've never got it back. I guess that's why I'm a bit blasé and share crap on the internet - I don't trust people to give me privacy as I've never really had it.

I was made to get a job at 16 ("no child of mine isn't working" - I was at sixth form) and again while on my gap year (which I planned to do anyway) and had to work during every uni holiday and pay board. Some would say that's normal behaviour until I actually spoke to my friends who were all largely stunned.

Two conversations stick with me from my Dad and I think both have massively affected my relationships. The first was a conversation walking to town, I was either going to uni or sixth form but the conversation sticks in my head. "You're probably going to end up with some posh lad called Tarquin who is a doctor who went to Oxford". (Some of you are probably sniggering or have gone pale). I remember being annoyed at this judgement. I was never going to be interested in some posho, never one who had gone to Oxford especially. I think subconsciously I had to prove him wrong and I now look back over all my relationships with middle class under achievers (a failed civil engineer, an emotionally manipulative failed civil service now masquerading as a solicitor who threw away his values - you get the drift) and think have I done this just to prove a point? Did my Dad's fear of having a superior son-in-law damage my own beliefs in who I should be with? Did my need to prove him wrong possibly cost me happiness? Or was he more troublingly correct?

The second conversation came after he and my Mum split and still rings as one of the most horrible things I have ever had said to me (the others from my Mum) - "I hope you don't walk all over this one like you did the last one". I was gutted.

My parents split when I was 21. Dad lied and lied about why he left, trying to pin the blame solely on Mum when in actual fact he left her for someone he met in Blackpool. Knowing he planned to leave her, he used a trip to visit me in Hamburg as a sort of 'goodbye'. Such a coward he left while I moved away and in a twisted way tried to say me moving so far away caused the divide between he and Mum. He doesn't know that it was me who found the photos of him and his new partner on social media and printed them out (my social stalking skills are elite. MI5 feel free to get in touch). It was me who unpicked the lies, had to listen to Mum's devastation.

The final straw and came in 2012. Having moved back home following uni, endured my graduation day being spoiled, I got an ultimatum. Accept her or don't bother anymore. His control broken, I cut off all contact and haven't spoken to him since. He tried calling me at work and received a cease and desist; Facebook messages have gone unanswered, his last being to casually tell me my grandmother died and could i send him photos of the two of them. Angry letters sent to my Mum, blaming her family for turning me against him and telling me I was cut out of wills.

It's interesting the only vaguely healthy relationship I've had is since I stopped speaking to him. It's more interesting 10 years later I've started to realise just what an effect he has had on me and my choices. Parents have a lot to answer for.

I'll end this sorry tale of rubbish let downs with the kicker. During the pandemic I received a message from someone who I didn't know but immediately recognised the surname. This person asked if I was the daughter of my Mum, using her maiden name. I knew instantly who he was and burst into tears. At 31 he had decided to get in touch. I haven't responded and frankly from his profile picture I wouldn't want to. Mum's taste in men it seems has always been questionable.

So are there any male figures in my life who weren't shit? I grew up around two of my uncles, neither of whom have set the best example with their lives. It's taken one well into his 50s to calm down, the other I despise. My granda was a scary man, more scary with family recollections of his abuse growing up. My abiding memory is of threats to my cousin of washing his mouth out with soap and his anger at his very Protestant daughter sending his granddaughter (me) to a Catholic school and refusing to put my school picture up as the uniform was green. My dad's dad never made me feel welcome and delighted in trying to make me feel stupid. My Nana did remarry a wonderful man who helped raise me and it is to him I like to think I got the best influence from. I miss him every day. My father-in-law is also a babe but his only influence on me is my growing love of birds and gardening (although certain I am the favourite of the three of us being the most easy to talk at - years of practice).

So there you have it - my essay on why I struggle with fathers day. A day reminding me of all the disappointments, the grief of losing two fathers (one by choice, the other by no choice), the questioning of just what would life be like now in so many circumstances and just general malaise at the many men in my life.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[ningyousaiban]

A warning for this post: It will be long, serious, and it will contain serious and triggering topics. In short, it's a vent post. But I want to let this all out.

Hoo boy, I feel like doing a retrospective on January, even if it's not even halfway done.

My life did a 180° and I couldn't be more happier. I'm genuinely crying tears of happiness from how happy I am that I became better. The funniest part? All I needed was one specific person out of my life.

I had a best friend since 2018, and... They ditched me at the end of November 2022, after going with them to a game con and telling me that I ignored them all the time (even though they were on their phone all of the time while I was with them). I was devastated. I saw them as the only person who loved me and the fact that I made them so angry to the point they left me made me hate myself even more back then. To the point where the intrusive thoughts (if you know what I mean) wouldn’t stop. But honestly, after looking back... It was obvious they were REALLY distant towards me. They lashed out on me several times for not helping them, because I genuinely didn’t know how to help them, and on one occassion, they even threatened (TRIGGER WARNING) suicide because I went a bit silent. Talking with them started feeling more and more like walking in a minefield. Eventually it got to the point where I felt so much like a burden to them that every time I went to their place I would cry and contemplate doing something bad to myself. And I thought this was all love. I tried my hardest, my absolute damn hardest to help them feel better, but all that did was make ME feel worse. Nothing helped them. I am not a saint but I think that I put more effort into this. They still (....most of the time, they once left for like 2 days and when I called them they didn’t answer at all..) were there when I needed them and I appreciate that. But even their partner said that they could tell I cared about them.

After they ditched me, after a few really hard days, without much sleep or eating, I noticed how... Free I felt... No more feeling anxious that they would lash out on me, nothing. I felt calm for the first time in 4 years. And my life finally started going uphill. I took a train to a city with my friends, that I knew before I even knew this ex-friend. It was the most amazing trip of my life so far. I had so much fun playing games in the arcade with them, I went to gigs with them... And then 2023 rolled around, I started going to the gym, went with more gigs with my friends, and just overall spent more time with them, rather than being cooped up inside my room like I was when I was still talking to that ex-friend. My friend group immediately told me I could come see them when I told them about this, and that just makes me so happy... I am genuinely glad to have these friends and I love them. We also play a lot of Gmod, and they got into Half-Life as well!! And they keep asking me stuff about the lore and they know that it makes me so happy! I feel like with them I don’t have to mask myself, I can be a weirdo around them without feeling judged like before... And they don’t mind that I’m weird at all!!! Not to mention that games like Touhou and Half-Life made me cope with these 4 years... Hell, Valve is literally the reason why I am still around, I’d say, because HL2 literally inspired me to be a concept and game artist, and I will go to a uni with that course after I finish high school.

The thing that happened with my ex-friend still stings and I still cry over it, but that is to be expected, I can’t move on from someone who I talked to everyday for the last 4 years so quickly. It hurts to even think about them, especially when they appear in my dreams, sometimes I even see their dad in public and I just start shaking and tearing up from how remembering how much I was mistreated back then. But all that matters is that now I am happier, and that I still work on myself. I am a bit ashamed to admit that I want to befriend some people here on Tumblr that follow me, but I am too scared ^^;;;;;, so I want to work on that as well!!

And, if you read all of this, have cookies, thank you for reading this wall of text...! 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪

[poguesholland]

Hey could you write something for Harrison where you really like him but the last person you were with rejected you so your scared to tell him

“Fucking tell him already, Y/N” Tom groaned, cutting you off. He was sick of hearing you talk about Harrison over and over with no intention of acting on your feelings. This had been going on for a year now and all your friends were so done with this.

You let out a laugh, thinking Tom was being sarcastic. “Sure, Of course Tom, great idea” You spoke sarcastically only to look at Tom and realize that he wasn’t joking. Not the slightest bit. “Are you joking? There’s no way I could ever tell him. Not after what happened with Alex” You shook your head, the idea of Harrison ever finding out how you feel almost bringing you nightmares.

Alex was a guy you had liked last year. You two were the closest anyone could be and naturally, you developed feelings for him. Everyone thought that the feeling was mutual. But when you told Alex how you felt, he shot you down in the worst way possible. He broke you.

“You what?” Alex spits, as you began to feel like he wasn’t too happy about what you were saying. “I, I like you” You repeat, with less confidence this time. Alex shakes his head, raising his eyebrows with a look of frustration displayed on his face. “I can’t fucking believe this” He mumbles under his breath, hands going through his hair. You stand there, not really believing the way he was reacting right now.

“Alex-” You start but he cuts you off, “Just shut up!” He yells at you making you flinch. Alex grabs his stuff and quickly walks towards the door, his shoulder bumping into yours. “Why would you ruin this?” He asks, angry with you for ‘ruining’ your friendship. “You made me think you feel the same way! Don’t act like I’m some crazy bitch who likes you!” You retort. “How could I ever feel the same way about you?” Alex spits, and your heart dropped to the floor and he slammed the door.

“We both know Harrison would never do what Alex did, Y/N, if you don’t tell him I will”. You raise your eyebrows at Tom, believing that there was no way on Earth that what he was saying could be true. “The boys and I are sick and tired of hearing you bitch about how you much you like him, so if you don’t tell Harrison by the end of the week, I will.” Tom deadpanned and you turned as pale as a ghost.

Tom gets up from the table, making you scramble to get up and follow him. “Tom! Tom, you’re- No, you’re joking. Right? Tom, no!” You pleaded and he turned around to face you. A smirk plastered on his face as he saw the fear in your eyes. “Bye, Y/N” Tom leaned on to leave a kiss on your cheek as you froze in place, crossing your hands over each other. You raised the finger at him, only making him laugh.

How could you possibly tell Harrison how you felt? What would you even say? How could you deal with him not feeling the same way? What if it ruined your friendship? What if he laughed at you? But a little part of your brain thought the opposite, what if he felt the same way?

Three days go by and you were yet to say anything to Harrison. Tom and the boys were keeping a close eye on you, giving you a warning look when you two were alone and you left to avoid saying anything. They had been trying their best to make sure that you two were always left alone for as long as possible, in an attempt to give you as many opportunities as they could. But, alas, nothing worked.

“Tom, do you wanna help me get something from the kitchen?” Harry rushed as he quickly got up from the couch. Tom immediately followed, “Yeah! I need-Um, some ice, yeah ice”. Harrison looked at them skeptically and you gave them a death glare. Now it was just you and Harrison on the couch.

Harrison laughed lightly, “What’s up with those two divs?”. You forced a laugh, covering up the anxiousness you were feeling at that moment. “No idea” You raised your eyebrows, but Harrison could tell that you were acting weird. Your hands rub your arms, trying to rid yourself of the nervous goosebumps beginning to appear on your body from the tension between you two.

“Y/N, is everything-” He starts but you shoot up off of the couch. “I need some ice!” You stutter out, rushing to the kitchen only to be met with a glaring Tom and Harry. You walk past them like nothing was wrong but Harry gives you a smack on the head. “Ow! What the fuck, Harry!” You yelp in pain, clutching your head to try to relive it. “Tell him” They both whisper-yell at you before leaving, making you huff.

Every time you almost said something, you could genuinely feel your throat dry up and words would not come out of your mouth. But as those three days went by, you found yourself trying harder and harder to just spit it out.

Harrison didn’t know why you were being so distant lately. You two were always together, always sitting beside each other, always taking naps together, always going everywhere together, but that was not the case anymore.

You rested your head against the couch, sprawling your legs out in front of you. Harrison and you continue watching the movie intently, the popcorn he had made already finished while the movie had another hour to go.

Harrison shifts to find a comfortable position and is unsuccessful, so he turns to lay his head on your lap and put his legs up on the couch. This was how you always watched movies but as soon as Harrison did so, you shot up from your position feeling panicked.

Harrison’s head hits the couch making him groan, reaching a hand up to rub his head. He looks up to say something to you, but you were already long gone and out of sight. Hurt fills Harrison’s chest as he was now sure that something was up with you.

You unlock your door, walking into your shared apartment. Immediately, you take notice that your roommates were nowhere to be seen as you close the door. However, you were proven wrong when you walk into the kitchen to see Harrison, making you jump up. “Shit, Haz! You scared me!” You exclaim, putting a hand over your heart as you laugh. His heart hurt once he heard his nickname leave your mouth, it’s been days since you said his name. It was his favorite sound coming from you.

The laugh on your face quickly falters as Harrison doesn’t respond, not even making the effort to turn around to look at you. You furrow your eyebrows, “Hello?”. No response. You walk around the kitchen counter to stand next to him, but he continues cutting up the vegetables he was cooking. “Harrison?” You call out but he doesn’t even turn to acknowledge your presence.

“Is something wrong? Did I do something?” Your voice quiet as you watch him, not even phased by you talking to him. “Talk to me Haz, please?” You call out again and Harrison drops the knife on the cutting board, huffing in frustration. He turns to face you with an angry look on his face, making you even more confused.

Harrison raises his eyebrows, “So now you want to talk to me? No, I’m sorry, now you feel like talking to me?”. You look at him with confusion, “What? I always want to talk to you. What are you talking about?”. He shakes his head, crossing his arms in disbelief as he looks at you.

“Harrison?” You question him again when you don’t get an answer. “Don’t fucking Harrison me!” He yells in frustration but lowering his voice after he realized, “Just don’t”. Unintentionally, you flinch at his loud voice. You rest your elbow on the kitchen counter, trying to figure out what he was talking about and what got him so mad.

A huff of defeat escapes your lips, “What the hell are you talking about?”. Harrison clenches his jaw and bites the inside of his cheek. “You haven’t talked to me all week, you run away when I enter a room you’re in. As soon as we’re alone, you leave. You can’t even look me in my fucking eye, Y/N! And now you want to talk to me?”.

You immediately shut up, looking anywhere but at Harrison as you feel ashamed of yourself. Harrison moves closer towards you, looking into your eyes as you try to keep your composure, avoiding his eyes. He looks at you for any sign of a response, but shakes his head when he doesn’t get one. “I’m not fucking doing this right now” He mumbles under his breath, walking out of the kitchen.

“Tom told me I have to tell you about my feelings for you before the end of the week, or he will” You sigh, not sure if you even thought that whole sentence through before saying it. Harrison freezes in his place as he tries to register what you just said, there was no way. No, this didn’t make any sense.

He turns around to face you and your eyes meet, your eyes full of fear that this would be the end of your friendship. “I couldn’t talk to you all week. I- Um, I was too nervous to be around you and couldn’t bring myself to tell you, but here we are I guess” You ramble quietly as Harrison stares at you with a dumbfounded look.

“About your feelings for me..” Harrison tries to comprehend and you nod, waiting for any sort of response from him. His silence was killing you. “I didn’t want to do it, after what happened with Alex-” “Alex is a dick” Harrison retorts, his voice sour at the sound of his name. He absolutely hated him, even before he broke your heart. He hated him even more when you were crying into his chest every night about what Alex did.

He didn’t tell you this but as soon as Tom told him what happened, Harrison went to Alex’s apartment. All of Alex’s neighbors could hear Harrison yelling at him as Alex stood there, like a coward, trying not to cry. Harrison knew you would’ve gotten angry if he told you so he kept it to himself, and swore that any guy after that he would keep an eye out on.

You clear your throat, “Yeah- Um, that’s true. I just- I was scared that you would...”. Harrison continue the sentence for you, “I would do the same thing”. You don’t reply, knowing Harrison was hurt from that comment. “Y/N, I am nothing like Alex, okay? You know that, you know me” He speaks quietly, taking a few steps towards you and you nod.

Your hands grip the counter behind your back as you look at the boy in front of you, trying to digest the information you were saying. “Did Tom tell you why you should tell me?” Harrison asks with a bit of realization in his voice, confusing you. “No, Um- He just said I should tell you how I feel”. Harrison nods, a small smile making its way onto his face.

Staring at him blankly, you try to make sense of why he was smiling. You had just ruined your friendship, was he happy? Relieved? Harrison walks closer until his hands grip the counter behind you, only a few centimeters separating the two of you.

“Did Tom tell you that I feel the same way? That I’ve had feelings for you for almost three years now? That seeing you with any other guy broke my heart? That I wanted to kill Alex for what he did to you?” Harrison asks, his voice quiet. Your eyes widen, thinking that this had to be a joke.

Harrison’s hand slides to yours on the counter, holding it gently. “That I had no idea how he could lose such an amazing girl like you? That I thought he was crazy to not appreciate how lucky he was to have you?”. You open your mouth to say something but nothing comes out. His hand slides up your arm, going to cup and caress your face slowly. You felt yourself shiver at his touch, almost like it was electricity.

“W-Why didn’t you-” “Tell you?” ,He continues and you nod, “Just thought that there was no way you felt the same about me”. You straighten your back, your chests now brushing against each other. “I would be crazy not to love you, Haz” You admit, and Harrison’s hand grips your tighter once you said those two words. “Y/N, be very careful with your words okay? I cant-” He shuts his eyes, leaning his forehead against yours as he tried to control himself.

Your fingers slip in between his, resting on the counter as Harrison opened his eyes. “I know” You state quietly, showing that you were being one hundred percent truthful. Harrison quickly leans forwards to push his lips against yours, making your breath get caught in your throat.

His lips move against yours in perfect sync as he moves closer to you, pressing you harder into the counter and his body. The hand on your cheek moves to your waist and grips it tightly, kissing you needily. A hand of yours goes to his chest to steady yourself.

You slow your lips against his before pulling away to catch your breath. Harrison licks his lips as he looks at you, admiring how beautiful you are. “I love you” He speaks up, and you look up at him. A shy smile finds its way to your face as you bring your arms to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer to you. “I love you too” You whisper against his lips and feel him smile. You lean in to kiss him before both of you smile into the kiss, breaking it.

Harrison brings you in to hug you tightly, holding you so softly, like you were made of glass. You rest your head in the crook of his neck as you take in his warmth. “Holy shit! Tom what did I tell you! Both of you divs owe me a hundred each!” Paddy yells, startling both of you. You move your head to see Tom, Harry and Paddy looking at the two of you, only making you hide your flushed face once again.

“Finally told him, did you? Wonder who gave you that idea” Tom teases and you whine, making Harrison laugh. He holds you close to him before slightly turning around to face the guys, mouthing an excited ‘yes’ and pumping his fist to the air. You feel Harrison shoo them out of the kitchen, just wanting to be with you.

Harrison’s arms hook under your thighs and lift you up, making a squeal leave your lips. You wrap your legs around his waist as he walks towards his bedroom. “No fucking while we’re in the house!” Harry yells making you yell at him, “Harry!”. Harrison only laughs at the two of you and shakes his head, “Only been twenty minutes and you already made a dirty joke, Harry”.

“Ignore him, love” Harrison mumbles against your cheek as you giggle. The nickname makes butterflies appear in your stomach. You were grateful that your friends had pushed you to tell Harrison how you felt. Because what else would you need other than this?

[mountswhore]

𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭 — mason mount

summary: after your breakup, mason realises just how much you need him. and how much he needs you too.

warnings: mentions of drinking, slight mentions of drugs, swearing, angst

requests are open!

It had been a month since your breakup, and you were at an all time low. But you couldn’t let Mason or anyone else know that. Luckily, you lived alone. So you had your own flat to mope about in, before painting on your fake smile and leaving for whatever errands you had that day. Your breakup was… unfair. Mason treated you like a toy, thinking he could just drop you and then pick you up just as quick. But you weren’t having it anymore.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” you laughed in disbelief at the words your boyfriend was spewing, “you’re really doing this to me, again?” Mason just stood with a stone cold face in front of you, in the comfort of his own living room.

“Y/N, believe me when I say I didn’t want to do this.” Mason consoled, taking a step forward. “You’re a distraction to my career, I barely see you. What would be the point of this anymore?” His words were like bullets, your chest full of holes and you were bleeding on the floor. But Mason was just staring back at you.

“I’m a distraction to your career. Lovely.” You mentioned, pushing past him and grabbing your bag from the stairs. Mason tried to stop you, he wanted to talk this out. “For the love of God, stop trying to hold me back. What is there to say? Or do you just want to ease your conscience? If you’re going to break up with me, be a man and own it. Leave me alone.”

With that you left, and you hadn’t spoken since.

You were going to meet a good friend for lunch, a WAG, but your breakup with Mason didn’t affect your friendship. She was adamant on it, saying, “just because Mason dumped your fine ass, doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with you. He’ll just have to deal with it.” You’d gone to your usual place, waiting in the foyer for her before booking a table together.

“How’ve you been, doll?” Abigail asked, putting her bag down beside her. “You know, considering.” You nodded, putting your fake smile to good use.

You let out a small giggle. “Good, yeah. I’ve been focusing on my work, which I should’ve been doing from the jump. I think I’m really making progress.” Abigail just nodded and smiled.

She didn’t seem the least bit frightened to say what she said, as she’d heard how you felt. “Good, because you’re coming to a party this weekend.”

“What?”

“A party.”

“Yeah I heard you,” you groaned, “are we sixteen- years old? Or am I just growing quicker than the rest of you?”

“Oh shh,” Abigail sighed, digging into her food that had now arrived with yours. Every time you came here, she got the carbonara. “Look, you said you’re making progress, and I want to have fun with my best friend again. And if I’m honest, all the other girls just aren’t as good of a laugh as you.”

“Thanks for the ego boost.” You added, smiling a genuine smile at her. You were still thinking heavily about this party, where was it? When was it? Who was going?

“Clear your weekend. It’s this Saturday, at some private lounge in London.” Abigail stated, twirling her fork once again. “It’s the England squad celebrating something or another, I don’t know. Dec told me about it.” The reason the pair of you were so close, was mainly because of your boyfriends being so close. Declan knew that his girlfriend was still friends with you and planned on keeping that, he’d always ask about you.

“Right. I’ll see if I can work overtime on Thursday to make up for my weekend off.” You mentioned.

So it was settled. You’d be going to a party with Abigail and the England squad. You weren’t the least bit excited, the only fraction you were was purely because you’d be seeing Abigail. You had your dress, you’d worked your overtime, and you were on your way to this private lounge in London. No matter how nice looking this lounge was, you’d always feel out of place. You were wearing your nicest dress, tallest heels, and Abigail had even done your hair and makeup.

“How are you, Y/N? You doing okay?” Declan asked, in the seat beside Abigail. You were sharing a taxi, Abi in the middle. Both you and Dec on either end. It was quite awkward, to see Declan. To know that he still speaks to Mason.

“Yeah, I’m doing good. How’s football going for you?” You asked. You despised small talk, it make you want to throw up. But it was only being polite to Dec. Declan mumbled a similar answer and paid attention to his phone. A text from Abigail appeared.

I don’t think she’s okay.

Declan wrote back to his girlfriend: I was thinking the same thing.

The three had gotten to the private lounge, Abi promising to not leave your side. You spent the first hour with her, constantly drinking to increase your confidence. Abi had finally left you, like you knew she would, but you weren’t mad. She’s here for her boyfriend, it’s only right she spends it with him. So now you were the loner at the bar, downing shot after shot.

Mason was sulking around like a shadow, holding tightly onto his mixer and speaking to some of his teammates. He’s not even sure why he came, all he knew was Declan forced him. And yet Declan had barely spoke to to him all evening. His mixer was empty, so he made his third beeline for the bar this evening. And saw you.

His heart had began beating irregularly, clammy hands almost dropping the cup he had. Why was he so nervous to see the ex he dumped? Luckily, you were occupied with talking to Jesse, so he could quickly grab his drink and leave. He found himself staring at you during his wait, how you laughed so genuinely with Jesse. You always did. He was one of your closest friends and now talking to him felt awkward because of your breakup. You looked at Jesse so happily, he wished it was him. It was a stupid thing to wish, considering he dumped you.

What had dumping you even done for him?

“Mount. Whatever the hell has happened to you outside of training, undo it. You’re off today.”

“Mase, why haven’t you been as on par as you usually are?”

“You keep playing like this and you’re being benched next game.”

Nothing. The answer was nothing. He was told he wasn’t playing well, saw you as an issue and dumped you. And now he plays worse. He’d been benched on his second game, overlooked by his manager due to his lack of focus in training. It was horrible. But you told him to leave you alone, he could never forget the look on your face. The look of exhaustion, of being dumped and picked back up again.

Mason had zoned back in, seeing you looking at him rather lazily. You looked drunk, high, or both. Jesse had gone, and you were throwing the shots back. You made it a game. Every time you had a good Mason thought, you’d have a shot. If it was bad, or any thought at all, you’d be having your stomach pumped by the end of the night.

Mason watched the bartender pour straight vodka into your cup, and then watched you stagger away to the stairs. The stairs led up to toilets, and were empty and quiet. Perfect. You collapsed onto the stairs, still sipping on your vodka before laying your head onto a step. You didn’t know Mason had followed you until you felt his hands on your arms.

“Come on, we’re going home.” He declared, holding you around your waist. You frowned at him, trying your best to use your half-working limbs to push him away from you.

“We’re? No, you are going home. I’m staying here.” You slurred, downing the rest of your drink and throwing the cup at his head. You laughed at the face he made, finally freeing you and you returned to your seat on the stairs. “You aren’t my dad, or my boss, or my friend. So leave me alone.”

“You’re off your face. So you’re going home.” He reaffirmed with you, folding his arms. You just shook your head again, looking up at him. You were having good Mason thoughts again, seeing just his face stare down at you. It made you want to cry and throw up.

“Get me a drink.” Mason left after your instructions, returning with a cup. You had downed it, waiting for the warm throat and slight burn. But nothing. “Not water, you asshole.” Mason kept a stone cold face with you, resting against the wall beside the door. Nobody had come into the toilet and you wished they had now. You needed someone to save you from happy Mason thoughts.

“So how is football? You must be scoring goals left and right.” You jested, tipping your head back and laughing. “Right?” Mason sat down beside you in defeat, knowing this wouldn’t be an easy conversation with you. It would end in you crying, or leaving, or both.

“No, actually.” Mason admitted. “I’m doing rubbish. My friends know I’m off my game, the gaffer knows I’m off my game. It’s atrocious.” You stared at him, kind of feeling bad but then remembering what he did to you. All those times he’d break up with you, just to say he missed you a few days later. If you were being honest with yourself, you thought it would happen again. But a month had passed, and nothing.

“Oh.” It was all you could say. Knowing what he did was for no reason, it had no benefits whatsoever. Your life had been completely thrown out of balance for nothing. It made you mad all over again. “So you’re telling me you broke up with me, and nothing good came of it?”

Mason hated to admit it. “Yes.” He spoke quietly, ashamed of the answer he was putting out there. “I was actually told to fix whatever happened outside of training, in an effort to make me better again.” You should be laughing in his face, glad he’s been royally fucked over after he royally fucked you over. But instead, you held your hands to your face to hide your tears.

“Hey,” Mason hushed, pulling you into his side. He knew you’d had a lot to drink, so maybe your emotions were all over the place, “don’t cry about it, you don’t need to be upset.” Why was he being like this? He broke up with you, why did he care how you were now?

“What’s happened to us?” You cried, pulling away from him. Just because you were at a low, doesn’t mean he can swoop in. “Ever since we broke up, it seems our lives have been shit.”

Mason laughed through the pain, resting his elbows on the step behind him. He’d tried to avoid his feelings instead of confront them, but it proved difficult when you had showed up. “I might be benched for the next game, or better yet, be taken from the squad.”

You shook your head. No matter how much you hated him at this very point, you couldn’t deny the man’s talent. “You deserve that spot on the team. There’s a reason you start for England every time. Don’t doubt yourself because something bad happened to you.”

Mason took your words and remembered them, keeping them in his head for the rest of the night. “Come here.” He put an arm around you and held you tight, sighing as your heads rested together. “I’m sorry I did this to you. I shouldn’t have left you, I had issues with myself and saw you as the problem instead. I’m really sorry.”

“I just don’t think I can take it again.” You confessed, laying your head in his lap and keeping your eyes closed. “I can’t take being broken up with again, only for you to end up in my bed a few days later. It hurts me everytime, Mase.” Mason was rubbing your back, hating himself for the way he made you feel before. And he hadn’t seen an issue with it, he treated you like it was okay to use you as an emotional rag doll.

“You don’t have to jump straight into it,” he whispered, hands now smoothing your hair out of your face, “you can take as long as you need to trust me again. But I’m telling you it’ll never happen again, I’ll never throw you about like I did before. It was reckless of me and I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Mase.” You sighed, the weight finally freeing your chest. You could finally move forward with your life, and choose whether or not to take Mason with you. It wasn’t an answer you needed to know now, it could take it’s time. And Mason was willing to wait.

[adorerdraco]

Malfoy’s Gone Soft! ✧ Draco x Reader

Summary: Draco, your boyfriend, is mean to everyone until you call him out for it.

Warnings: mentions of bullying :( and a couple profanities :0

Words: 2K 

A/N: omg i wrote this on a whim while listening to the euphoria score soundtrack in like an hour idk if its all that but i have no idea what i’m going to do next for Healing Heart so for now i’m just going to write other things for Draco until i get inspired ! & feel free to send me requests ! also thank you for 100 followers you guys are amazingggg !!!!!!!!!!! *insert pouty emojy*

The sound of arrogant and boisterous laughter filled the courtyard, the Slytherin Prince and his minions were tossing around a book bag that a helpless 2nd year Hufflepuff was chasing around every time it was thrown to another boy. One of the boys yelled a foul, “mudblood!” that made the boy tear up as he reached and jumped up for his bag that was in the air every few seconds. It was nothing new to the school, Draco and his band of bullies would bother anyone who they found as an easy target just for the fun of it.

Unfortunately for Draco, you had been passing by through one of the corridors with a group of friends when you had seen the fiasco. As much as you adored your boyfriend, you couldn’t deny the sometimes nasty persona that he had and how much it bothered you. He would always swear up and down that he would stop his antics, but you often encountered him or heard from other people of him being in the same situations that he had promised would stop. 

You marched your way over to the group, a fire in your step and your eyes fixated on Draco who was laughing like a fool. You watched as Goyle rushed to elbow Draco’s side, earning him a look until he had pointed in your direction. All joy in the blond’s face quickly drained once he saw your vexed expression heading towards him.

The book bag had dropped from his hands onto the stoned courtyard ground, the young Hufflepuff hastily grabbed it and ran off in tears back into the castle. You stomped up to Draco, noticing how he had visibly swallowed in fear at what your reaction would be.

“What happened to, ‘I swear I’ll stop being a git to everyone!’” You asked him incredulously, mocking his voice as you quoted him. 

“Malfoy said that?” Blaise chuckled as if it were a joke. Both you and Draco turned to give him a frenzied look.

“Y/N, I...” Draco trailed off, looking around at his friends who were awaiting his response with smug smiles on their faces. Then he looked towards you, a hope glittering in your eyes that he would reassure you and be the sensitive boy you knew behind closed doors and away from his every day reputation. “I...”

“So you have nothing to say for yourself?” you deadpan, a scowl making its way onto your face when you realized he wasn’t going to apologize.

“Why do you care what I do to a stupid little Hufflepuff?” He snickers. Whatever hope you had left went up in flames, he had chosen his reputation.

“Because it’s mean,” you sneered. “Why would I want to be with an arse like that?”

With that, you turned on your heel, walking out of the courtyard and back to your friends where you walked to your next class without turning back to look at the group of shocked boys.

“I think you just got dumped, mate.”

“Merlin’s sake, do you ever shut up Zabini?” Draco fumed, his heart breaking at the question and his mind running a million miles per minute. He began walking towards the entrance of the castle to head into the common room, bumping shoulders aggressively with Blaise as he did.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

You weren’t sure whether or not you and the Slytherin Prince were broken up. Of course, it was the last thing you wanted but you were sick of the endless excuses and empty promises. You knew of the package deal Draco Malfoy came with when you started dating him, but there was a point when it all became too much. You were hoping in a last ditch effort, that if he genuinely really cared for you and respected your wishes, this would be the final push he needed to change.

It’s not like you were asking him to completely stop being himself. You were only asking for him to stop with the unprovoked teasing and pushing around of innocent bystanders. His friends especially, were a big reason why he continued to do it as he loved being the leader of the group and all that came with his positions as; the funniest, the most attractive and charming, the smartest, the wealthiest, the strongest. It was all just a game to him but he never saw the aftermath of his tormenting and how it could really affect someone or their day. You were like a broken record, repeating to him over and over again the same wish you had for him but he never absorbed it.

So now here you were, furiously writing your Potions essay in the library as your mind ran with thoughts of the aggravating platinum blond and nothing having to do with Calming Draught. 

“Write any harder and you’ll break your quill,” a certain timid voice said from in front of your table. You didn’t look up, already knowing it was Draco. You didn’t want to give in so easily to his intoxicating nature because the second his scared gray eyes were to meet yours, you’d melt. “Y/N, I’m sorry. For what happened in the courtyard.”

You sighed, setting down your quill and shaking your head, eyes still trained on your parchment. “It’s not just what happened in the courtyard, Draco. It’s that you do this to someone new every single day.”

“I’ve been this way all my life, I can’t just change who I am,” he argues. You finally look at him, the both of you silently seething at each other.

“That’s not an excuse!”

“Shh! Quiet down, the two of you or you will be asked to leave,” Madam Pince exclaims angrily from her desk. You turned back to Draco, hard eyes trained on him as he glared back at you with the same irritated look.

“I would just like to know why my girlfriend feels the need to suck the life out of all my fun,” he says lowly to you. Your face goes scarlet as you try to contain your wrath from being let out on the whole library, and on Draco who wouldn’t even know where to begin to handle it. But as angry as you were, it was quickly replaced with anguish and pooling tears as you thought of the main reason why you had wanted him to be nicer.

“Because your ex-girlfriend knows how it feels like to get bullied and targeted every day for no reason,” you spit sorrowfully. “I know what it’s like to live on the opposite end of what you think is fun and I promise you it’s nothing near that.”

You hurriedly grabbed all your things and rushed out of the library with tears streaming down your face as Draco only stood there feeling like the biggest most insensitive idiot and asshole in the world. 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It had been a week since the incident at the library and the both of you couldn’t be any more miserable. It had gotten to the point where Draco felt ashamed and gross if he was even accidentally rude to someone, let alone on purpose. The blond boy watched you intently from his Slytherin table in the Great Hall, his friends and their conversation sounding like a distant incoherent buzzing as he focused onto your sad and defeated face and figure from afar. 

He had tried everything he could think of to get your attention, to get you to hear his apologies, but you wouldn’t give him the time of day; you refused to. You were beyond hurt. Not only because of Draco, but also because of the painful memories that had resurfaced that you spent so long trying to get over. It was all just a mess and Draco regretted everything he had said to you and everything he didn’t do for you.

“Just give it a rest, Draco,” Pansy sighs exasperated at the boy’s longing stares. “She broke up with you, stop pouting about it and move on.”

“Shut up, Pansy,” Draco sneers. “Mind your business why don’t you.”

“I’m just saying, if I was her, I would never do or say anything to ruin our relationship,” she shrugs, peering up at the frowning Slytherin through her eyelashes.

“You’re not her though, are you?” Draco snarks, his eyes squinting at her as he shoots the mean remark her way. All the surrounding boys give an “oooh” at the interaction, cackling as they watch Pansy go red in the face before abruptly standing up and leaving the table in a rush. 

Draco did the same and removed himself from the table to dart out of the Great Hall and towards an empty corridor near the courtyard where he liked to hide on an large windowsill. He had enough of his despair and enough of sitting around and doing nothing to win you back, so he got to work on something that would be his last and this time big gesture, to get you to listen.

A few hours had gone by, it was sunny and there was a nice breeze that was perfect for Draco’s plan on winning you back. He especially knew that when the weather was like this, you enjoyed sitting on a bench in the courtyard, the sun caressing your face with warmth as you read a book. 

He walked out of the corridor and towards the courtyard, and just like he knew, he spotted you sitting at your favorite bench angled towards the sun and deeply entranced in whatever book was in your lap. He took a deep breath before nearing you, stopping a few feet away to where you didn’t notice his presence just yet. His hand reached into the pocket of his robes, picking out the small and large variety of origami birds notes he had written and charmed to fly over to you and around you in a pretty and gentle circle. A bouquet of red and y/h colored flowers had appeared in his hands behind his back, all he was waiting for was for you to accept him.

You looked up from your book, eyeing all the paper birds that were fluttering around you and across the way was a frantic looking Draco with his hands hiding something behind his back. You let out a deep exhale, reaching out to grab one of the birds and unfolding the note to read his perfect cursive.

I’m sorry.

Then you grabbed another.

Please forgive me.

Then another.

You are everything to me.

And another.

I promise to change my habits.

And then the final one, the biggest bird of the bunch.

I should have listened to you from the beginning and I’m sorry I haven’t been more sympathetic. I’m also sorry that you had to go through that in your past. You are so beautiful and strong and deserve everything good in this world.

You placed your book to the side and stood up, opening your arms in a hug for Draco before he bolted towards you and enveloped you into his arms with a sigh of relief.

“I’m so sorry, darling,” he apologizes again into your hair as he nuzzled into you. He pulled back, handing you the large bouquet of flowers that made you blush as red as the roses that were mixed into the assortment. “I can’t promise you I’ll be perfect, but I swear on everything I love, I’ll try.”

“You don’t have to be perfect, Dray,” you chortle. “All I’m asking is for you not to be such a terrorizing little git.”

“Done,” he grins, throwing himself into your arms again as you giggled and ran your hands through his hair.

The two of you plop onto the bench below you, Draco peppering kisses all over your face in glee and gratefulness that you gave him another chance to prove himself. He didn’t even dare remove himself from you when he saw his friends strolling by, snickering and pointing to the nearly snogging couple.

“Malfoy’s gone soft!” Blaise yells across the yard, the rest of the boys laughing in response as usual like the mindless bozo’s that they were. Draco rolled his eyes, throwing them the middle finger before nuzzling himself back into your embrace.