#i am actually really sad right now
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Has this been done yet?
Pov: the king in act 3
And I said...
#i am actually really sad right now#but whatever#isat#in stars and time#isat the king#isat memes#isat spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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another little snippet of what's now 8k of Violet feeling like proper shit and thinking a baby might fix it (spoiler alert, it won't)
He cups her cheek and she hates herself a little bit for turning into the touch, for savouring the warmth and the feel of his hand against her skin. It’s been so long since she was last touched with any kind of affection that wasn’t from her dragons. It’s a testament to just how long that she lets him of all people. She squeezes her eyes closed tightly, willing herself to keep the tears at bay.
She’s missed it so much, the feel of someone else’s hands on her body. The comfort of a simple, platonic touch. She has missed the connection, the intimacy, the knowledge that someone cares. Gods, she thinks again, what she wouldn’t give for a simple hug.
“Vi,” he breathes, and there he goes again with the ‘Vi’, breaking down her walls even further. He sounds heartbroken and she can’t quite grasp why. He doesn’t care about her, so why does he suddenly sound like he does?
“I don’t think I’m okay,” she confesses and there’s no amount of squeezing her eyes closed that will hold the tears back now, not when she's finally uttered the truth that she has known intimately for months and months out loud. She feels the tears fall down her cheeks, leaving wet, hot tracks in their wake, like a map of her sadness. It doesn’t take long for his thumb to come up to wipe them away.
“I know,” he says, and there’s none of that brute efficiency or cold detachment she'd come to know from him during the war. His tone is gentle. It’s nothing like she remembers him, nothing like the picture she has of him in her mind. She doesn't know how to reconcile this version of him with the one who's only ever shown her indifference or frustration before.
She thinks that maybe peace time allows some to break down, and others to take care of the pieces that are left in ways that war time never could.
#I don't know man#this needs heavy editing and I do think Violet is maybe too sad in this#the involuntary depression fic#(now that's a tag)#but I'm trying to just get it onto the page as it wants to go#(I am a theatre major I love me some melodrama)#and then hopefully I can rein it back in afterwards#or maybe she'll just get to be very saddy sad#I'm actually mostly worried about the balance in their relationship and like taking it from this to love#because the way it's structured right now she's been really neglected#maybe I need to work on Xaden's motivations a bit more to figure it out hmm hmmm#anyway that's a problem for tomorrow's me#I would say enjoy but I don't think there's much enjoyment to be had here unfortunately#and I who just wanted to write some fluff haha#am I laughing or crying nobody knows#violet sorrengail#xaden riorson#riorgail#riorgail fic#riorgail snippet#violet and xaden
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spent the evening drawing a little something to commemorate my first time playing hollow knight
just entered greenpath and I LOVE the ambiance of it, i really couldn’t do it justice here
#art#hollow knight#I really can’t draw waterfalls alaaaas oh well#they just look like Big Blobs I’m gonna. explode if I keep thinking about it I’m too tired to fix em#for those absolutely DYING to know my thoughts on it so far—#it is SO fun but in all honesty I do not know what I’m doing at any given time#I think I’m slightly getting the hang of it?? but I definitely did more wandering around than actual plot progression#speaking of which I’m completely lost on the plot and lore. it’ll be explained more later on I’m positive but for now? no idea#don’t know who these people are or why they’re here or what’s going on but#yknow. I like it so far!#I am also very bad at it so far!! I’ve lost an embarrassing amount of times because I got knocked into spike pits#I think that rest areas being benches is so whimsical. nothing special just. a bench. love that#I was gonna draw the bench but then I remembered I can’t draw seats of any kind so. standing up it is#the only thing I can really say as a negative right now is there aren’t many fleshed out characters so far#oh I’m 100% sure that’s going to change so it’s not a complaint#but as someone who mostly gravitates towards the characters in games? right now it feels very lonely. sad#I like the map guy. cornifer I think his name is#I can’t get his name right for the life of me. so far I’ve called him corn cornfield and confield#also his wife. she seems so depressed I think she needs someone to talk to#or a bigger doorframe#and that little miner thing? what’s her name? I want to say it starts with M#she was adorable. the children yearn for the mines#but yeah overall I crave more characters…..I’ll have to actually play through the game more for that won’t I#only other issue is that. fun fact. did you know dyscalculia can affect one’s sense of direction and reading maps#in other words I spent most of my time playing the game being confused and lost because where the hell am I#but that’s a me problem lmao#overall. good game so far mhm 👍 I can’t say I know what any of it is actually about but yeah I like it#goes without saying but. please don’t spoil anything for me!!!auhghhh
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thank you got7 for coming back to us
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#I have finally been in the right headspace to actually start watching all the comeback content#I already listened to the album and I love it#gonna listen to it again later but rn#I AM LIVING FOR GOT7 KILLING VOICE#I love that every comeback comes with a killing voice now 🥹#THEIR DISCOGRAPHY >>>>>>#yeah I admit that third gen boy groups just are built different#and this is from a second gen supremacist#I’m so sad I’m too poor to cop the album 😔#this unemployed life is not for me 🥲#Jackson looks soooo good soooo happy soo healthy sooo beautiful I love his voice sooo much#they all looks soooo good#BAMBAM AND THIS BLUE HAIR HAS ME ON MY KNEES#he looks soooo 🥵🥵🥵🥵#they all do#and ….. not a single skinny jean in sight 💀#we are officially old#you can see their individual styles in how they dress#they’ve really have grown so much into their own while still forever being got7#got7#winter heptagon#killing voice#tones rant
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Would most people realistically use 'carry' and 'convey' as synonyms in typical speech?? Seems a slightly reaching comparison to me lol
#Usually thesaurus.com's Synonym Of The Day is fine but every once in a while there areones like this#where looking at the initial email I'm like...?? i don't know?? none of them really????#Like out of the three options given without any additional context#I guess reading further I can kind of see where it comes from if you're using it in a less literal sense#like ''the poem carries sad tones through it's words'' > ''the poem conveys tones of sadness through its wording''#but thinking of the more everyday usage of the word carry and how most often you hear it. it seems initially like an odd comparison#to say Convey would be an actual known/commonly used synonym of it.#Which I do get it. theyve probably had to come up with thousands of these now. so sometimes you're probably stretching things a little#to make more absract connections lol. But it's just kind of funny sometimes when you open the#email and its like "which of these are a synonym of the word Dog? -- Mug. Amulet. or Orange Peel.'' and you're like ?????? none???#and then you click on it and it's like ''the third useage of the word 'dog' means to drink from a fountain. which is kind of like drinking#from a mug. um.. so yeah. :)'' and then I go okay :3 thesaurus dot com you could never make me hate you. sure. a dog is a mug. :3#Anyway... coming out of a full week of no posting on the internet just to reflect on an odd synonym of the day email lol.. I am like an#80 year old man who sits in his study all day ignoring everyone then will randomly come out sometimes to go 'ahhrmm.. take#a gander at this interesting crossword I've just found in the paper. strange right? .... ok. hmhpph. back to my library..'
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my job has thankfully given me better confidence in explaining my ideas and executions and also talking to ppl in different departments. this was all a struggle when i started where i currently work.
#for context i am an art director#right now i’m doing a competition for submitting a poster#for the cannes festival#he’s really nice actually#had to explain my idea to a higher up and he gave great feedback#my old manager told me last night how he was impressed at what stage i am in my career#based on my age (23)#i’m very young compared to everyone else#so im always the baby at my job#i’ve been very lucky#it took me four months to find a job out of college#esp with art related jobs#and i don’t think that parents understand how hard it cans be#anyways#it was so funny talking to my coworkers last night#for the first time in person but also so fun#i feel sad i work remotely#i would definitely enjoy seeing them more often#im going out with some tonight and tomorrow morning for brunch before i fly home#everyone is so nice and kind#esp the ppl i work with#i’m gonna be sad to leave#bittersweet but i am happy to be here#:’))#maybe one day i will live in *#risu’s rambles ☆
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What you’d least like to hear (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#DAX#I actually made this much earlier in the year - I wanna say in June?? But held off on it#I'd review my notes but hrmnh - best I can guess is I planned to digitize it and that didn't pan out before the end of the year#It also looks like it might've been around the same time as my ISaT fic - very much in the same emotional vein#I really love DAX <3 He's so wonderfully prideful and sure of himself and Very Certain that he and ZEX are a forever kind of deal hehe#Even if that means getting regularly knife-twisted about his feelings he's still willing and wanting to be by his side and support him#He loves him! He wants to be useful to him and has deeply-held confidence that he is needed by him#Irreplaceable - ZEX's DAX#Which of course means that being told By his Admiral that he was Wrong and Foolish to ever think as much#Where's he supposed to go from there#I saw something similar in a post recently actually - maybe just waiting for the time to finally be right haha#''I forged myself into a weapon specifically for you and now I have no other purpose to serve'' ough#Living for someone else to its extreme conclusion#I was rereading DAX and Dr. Vargas(es)'s scene recently as well - ''Do you have any dreams of your own?'' hghh#It's not quite of the Skelebros or the Vargases but whatever DAX has towards ZEX is definitely Something ''Who am I without you''#Another part of what makes We Do What Is Necessary so sad! One without the other is always sad but DAX without ZEX...#I really do want to continue the fic I have from his/Dexter's POV as well - what Would he be like without his main focus!#Somewhere he never thought he'd be - everything ZEX after a point haha#The fun of the institute is the opportunity to explore such owies right in the forefront - so many forms of emotional and physical torture#What would make ZEX say something like this! Or would Whoever-it-is just happen to share his current body's face hmm#Never quite sure who anyone is with changing bodies around here#Not that Max would say it like this either haha but who's to say it would have to be Max hmm#Considerations many
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#I say no! Because it's clearly against his wishes and I am a strong advocate of children's rights.#He should have been able to decide for himself whom to live with and I would've hoped the enlightened future world of the Federation#would have recognized that :(#Star Trek: Deep Space 9#And now I'm wondering what everyone else thinks so! Poll time!#As I'm writing these tags after rewatching the episode I realize the decision may have been due to political stability reasons#(i.e. trying not to antagonize the Cardassians; a smart move at this point in the overarching story)#or even (as Sisko mentions to Pa'Dar toward the end) trying to encourage the Cardassians to take care of the actual orphans on Bajor too#but in that case I wish it'd have been made more clear in the episode#& the point would still stand: are either of those reasons sufficient justification for taking Rugal away from his family against his will?#Starky's Original Posts#polls#posts where you can really tell OP lived in constant fear of being either sent or taken away from their parents as a child#and it's getting in the way of enjoying what's truly important (garashir). sad!
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#anyone know how to deal with overwhelmingly jealous and envious thoughts?#I just can’t stop comparing my life to other peoples#just went to my sisters new place#I would literally kill for a place like that#but I’m still stuck in my parents basement#not having a safe space to go#I eventually got over it while I was hanging out with family#but when I left I had to bump into a group of girls#all dressed up#looks like they were either going out or getting back from a club or something#and damn#I miss those days#I only got a taste of it very briefly before I was even of age#like 18-19#and now I’m fucking 26 and I don’t have friends to go out and have severe social anxiety#when I see people like that having a good night or whatever#I just get so sad and jealous#I’ve been wasting the past 6 years of my life#literally just trying to survive#and then everyone else around me is actually living and enjoying their lives#obviously it’s not all sunshine and rainbows but they have the support system or a place or something to lean on when something bad happens#I have nothing#I have no support system#not able to heal or really live in my current place#been struggling to just get out of bed#trying ro figure out a job but when I can’t even get out of bed how the fuck am I gonna do that?#struggling A LOT right now#shut up rosie#delete
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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#hello welcome ''it's midnight and angel is about to rant about something that nobody cares about nor should they!''#this time not even at midnight!!!#it's just that my fam is planing a huge huge life project sort of deal that i have no hope for becaus ei'm a pessimist by nature#i don't have hopes for the future. i barely have ambitions because of my lack of hope#and even the one ambition i do have i don't think it's gonna ever happen#as i say... no hope whatsoever#so this big project thingy that's gonna take so much time and so much money and so much hypotheticals...#it's not something i believe it's going to ACTUALLY happen#which sucks big time because i would love for it to happen#but my mom is a more hopeful person. stronger mentally and just not depressed like i am lol#so she's very much excited and planning and looking things up and telling me about it and just generally getting a bit ahead in my opinion#(but that's probably the pessimism talking)#anyways... she managed to sort of get ME going now and i got my hopes up a little bit#i could maybe potentially one day have something i really really want and been wanting since i was a child but never hoped to get#(you see. my lack of hope is not something new lol)#anyways we had a chat yesterday and i got waay too ahead of myself with my expectations and today it all went into the drain#because actually that big thing that was specifically for me? the one thing that actually made me excited? yeah that can't be actually...#and what sucks the most about this whole situation is that i like being pessimistic sometimes because i don't get disappointed#if i'm expecting everything to go wrong i'll either be right or be pleasantly surprised#so i'm so so angry at myself that i let the excitment filter through and then immediatley after got the dissapointment of a fucking lifetime#so now i not only feel sad i also feel so stupid#so anyways everything sucks and i was right in having no hope and no expectations#(also sorry to make a public rant and make it very vague#it's just that i don't even want to mention it in case it goes through my barriers again and i get more disappointments)#anyways i'm going to bed now#angel talks#personal
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I still get scared when i remember kiryu is canonically quite lean and not a fatty at all
#Yakuza loveblog#i really think hes a little tubby and a little shorter#stop making japanese characters taller than 180 ....#you can pick one guy in your series to make that height but not more than tao#two#like there should be a ratio of guys over that height to guys who are normal (160-175 range)#and i say this a lot but i like the idea of kiryu simply being a guy who can dominate the room by presence alone#like he shouldnt be a huge guy he should be above average but being six feet is literally (thinks of a social justice buzzword) whitewashing#fucking haruka is taller than me thats not why im mad i just think that nobody looks at the average height of a country before making their#characters. wait im going to boot up y5 again and see harukas height in comparison to the rest of the people because kiryus always like a#head taller than everyone and while its funny to see him towering over date i think its wrong for him to do that#if anyone tries to argue with me im going to your house and killing myself#sorry i dont feel that strongly about this actually wait i am trying to downplay it im freaking out right now#okay between then and now im okay now but it still makes me so sad
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HI TUMBLRR it’s me
#I ate ramen just now it was soooo god I think ramen is just it just is better after 10pm#im right#ughhh ok that actually reminded me earlier my classmate was making an Asian people eat dogs joke like he put on this awful accent and he wa#all like ‘dog tastes so good with rice’ and then he did other stuff too#but what really made me upset is that someone who I thought was my friend found it really humorous! wow okay!#I know it’s not really a big deal but im still kind of sad like I’ve lost all my respect for you now#anddd they were my only friend in the class so now I’m stuck there for the rest of the semester I guess . I mean I’ll still be nice to them#but I just don’t think I can bring myself to like them anymore sorryyy . not really . but kind of#idk if I’m overreacting . in elementary school though people would make jokes actually about me eating dog and it always made me really sad#but I never held it against them cause we were children#but now I feel like you’re old enough to know what you’re laughing at..#wow ok this really derived away from me being on tumblr and having just ate the worlds best ramen#well . not really I mean it was good but I’m allergic to normal noodles and I need to eat rice noodles and they’re not bad I just don’t lik#them as much Lol#I feel like my actual posts say nothing but if anyone ever reads the tags they probably know everything about me..#I use tumblr to complain half the time loll and I used to post my drawings more but I haven’t made any good drawings recently😭😭😭BUT WAIT!#i have a comic I’ll post in October we’ll see how far I am in it by then…#im like . halfway done with chapter oneeeee so maybe like I’ll post all of chapter one on hallowern.. how does that sound… cause actually#for those of you who don’t know my story has ghosts in it#im like trying to keep it a little silly right now but the tone might shifftttt idk!!!!! we’ll seeeeeeee cause actually I have NOT worked#out the entire plot.. just like. most of it.#but I keep having ideas like midway through ughhh it’s an endless cycle!!!!!#like Francis . she used to be a random character who shows up once but then I was like . wait no! anjali should have ghost friends! and tha#that’s how Francis came to be#and actually today I kind of finalized her design^_^ albeit in my math notebook lol
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officially 10K into this fic and having a realization about where I'm at on characterization so far, so i'm wondering:
#N posts stuff#i'm like. this first draft is really the writing equivalent of layout sketching: which characters are where / what's the scene About#with the expectation that the second draft will have the building blocks there to build up specific characterization further#but i'm realizing that i am in fact SO broad strokes on the characters so far that i'd need to do extensive studying#of the source material to really hammer in the characterization in a way that i would be satisfied with. a task that at this point#likely wouldn't be very fun. so i had a moment of 'oh idek if i'll be able to finish writing this fic :(' and got sad about it#which was where the 'oh. actually if i'm That loose on characterization right now I could just. shift the characters in#Whatever ways i want them to go and just make them OCs instead of fanfic...' which would actually be like. technically speaking#a Lot more fun bc this fic is so self-indulgent that i keep having moments where i'm pulling back on other elements i'd want to#incorporate into the fic bc 'if it's Too self-indulgent with numerous headcanons it won't be Good to fandom readers'#(ie the character who would Really vibe being a furry and the other begging to be a tgirl)#it Might wind up being something we do no matter what but i am still curious if there would be like. an actual audience for it#and not just something i'm doing all for myself lol; i used to make a LOT of ocs but haven't really done it in Years nd Years#i had a 'no way' moment but i Have had multiple people tell me they read my fics Regardless of whether they've seen source#material or not. so tentatively hopeful the answer is yes? but i'm curious :3
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