#i also can't get mirroring to work
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Tomorrow I will model a chair in blender. I can do it I will persevere and learn 3d modeling 🪑< this guy will be real
#mort.txt#I'm trying rn but im too medicated. i lost my vertice for a support bar inside a block and idk how to get it out#i also can't get mirroring to work#idk i remembered i had got a 50$ blender rigging program 4 free when they had the bday advent calander#n i need to use it#i will not make another donut. you can't make me. goal 1 is a chair goal 2 is a lamppost.#i believe in myself that i can make both of those armed only with the hotkey cheat sheet
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BAD BUDDY EP 1
OUR SKYY 2 BAD BUDDY EP 1
#i don't really have a quote for this one but instead a series of observations because I Am Just Like This#this is another set of not exactly mirrored parallels#but in a really fun way#the ep 1 interaction happens after the fight where they settle the current issue between their faculties#the os2 interaction happens after the 'fight' that has set off some bad blood between the faculties#like pat mentions over lunch he can't give up the auditorium now because it's a matter of pride#not his pride but his faculty's#the first punch hit pat because it was the first time patpran had been conspiring together in 3 years#the new one happened because pran is focused on the work they both have to do#'it was not the time to be lovey-dovey' because he was thinking work#(also why he pushes pat away from the mosquito net kiss)#(if they start being lovey dovey now they're not going to get anything done and pran knows it)#the first one ends with pat walking away after a bit of teasing from pran after they share a moment#the new one ends with pat walking away after a bit of teasing from pran because their moment was ruined#but the one similarity#'happy now?' both of them ask#and both times the answer is 'kind of. but it's not enough. not yet'#parallels my beloved#bad buddy#bad buddy brain rot#bad buddy series#our skyy 2#our skyy bad buddy#kk.gifs#pdribs#uservid
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About to hand weave this man a potion carrying pouch in his character colors. I was already thinking about it. And then was like no. It's too early. I'll just give him a bit of the yarn my pouch is woven out of that I hypothetically would use as one of the components as a favor to wear for the tournament. I will be normal. So normal.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A HANDMADE POTION CARRYING POUCH IN HIS BLUE THIS MAN MATCHED MY FREAK AND I TEMPORARILY SCALED BACK
gonna stay at 100% freak going forward
#faer personal files#i am about to get so so sappy in the tags#i am typing this bc i started setting up my loom and then i was like wait i need sleep#i literally have dnd in the morning#augh#it is immune to boyfriend curse bc 1. he did not request it 2. it is a surprise and 3. i am weaving not knitting 4. im not a girl#oh 5 he's not even technically my boyfriend yet#i also want to flex. like even when he is at events i am not at i want people envying his custom hand woven pouch and him to be like thanks#my partner made it for me <3#man cannot hand me a mace and a cool heraldic item and expect me to not want everyone to know he is loved#he's gonna have to get used to it. not saying i love you yet you know what i mean.#idk. i like him so much. i like who he is i like how he is and i like that he actually has room for me in his head#i like being looked at without feeling sliced in two. even i can't always do that when i look in the mirror.#i like when he smiles. i like when he looks a little surprised about how delighted i am by him but i'm gonna like it even more when#the surprise settles down bc he feels secure in how much i like him#i wanna make him worse i want to give him an ego i want to make him better i want him to love himself so much#i love getting 3 am goodnight texts bc he was working on his art i love sending those i was in an art hole text now i must sleep texts#a good 6 hours earlier lol and having him be just as hyped i love talking to him i love his smile so much#i am putting in the work to get chill with reciprocation bc i am not used to it and wow. wow. this is. very nice.#my knight
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*Trigger warning for eating disorder talk*
I hate how whenever I eat anything my brain is like "You should kill yourself. Now." Like what's your fucking problem
#tw ed#it's like bitch the body needs nutrients to function. idiot. that's how flesh vessels work. what are you an alien?#but my brain is always like 'booo you are a disgusting ugly bitch and as a punishment you can't eat at all tomorrow.'#like...ok then. i guess.#the funny thing is that it's also like two people fighting because like i hate what i see in the mirror from both sides#like one part of me is like 'ahhh we are far too skeletal it looks kinda creepy and Not Good'#and the other is like 'wow ew we're so disgusting and big and our bones aren't visible enough. what would our family say?'#so there's like no winning at all because if i don't eat one side will get mad and refuse to look in the mirror#and if i do eat the other side will go into total hysterics and I'll have to sleep completely covered up and will have to avoid#all mirrors because it will completely distort our perception of ourselves and will claim changes that aren't there and it will#force me not to eat for a day or two and probably also to walk everywhere#it also sucks because i think not eating enough might be contributing to me feeling so shallow and fatigued and disinterested in everything#but i have no idea because I don't know how many calories I'm actually getting#and it's really Bad™ for me to count because I'm a little bit too competitive and my brain has historically always made it#a challenge to eat as few calories as possible. because I'm insane and treat literally everything as a competition that i have to win
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this season of ted lasso saying sam should forgive racists who vandalized the restaurant and then you know, dropping anything to do with that storyline immediately afterwards
and the saying jamie should forgive his abusive father bc hating him apparently isn’t good for him or whatever
doesn’t feel great tbh
#ted lasso#like yes absolutely tbf for some people spending that energy hating their abuser doesn't work#and they ultimately decide to forgive for themselves which i get is what they were advocating for#in his and ted's convo#but it's also like i don't even think jamie HAS had a lot of hatred bc so much of the time has been trying to prove himself to his father#and with sam they had that weird bit like 'oh we'll keep the broken mirrors bc it doesn't have to be perfect'#bc he was so concerned about everything being just right with the restaurant like...this was not that#could've kept the mirrors sure but not comparing it to the issue from earlier like....it was intended to be a violent attack#and then ya know. just never mentioned again all wrapped up apparently bc he chose to let it go#which hey they can absolutely go the route of sam choosing to let it go but that doesn't mean the problem is gonna go away#it's just like the whole thing i get forgiveness is a big part of the show but these are two things that i just don't love to see#though at least with jamie they've dedicated a good amount of the show to that particular issue and it's not so with sam#and they gave so much to colin's story line?? which has been pretty well done ofc but they were really like#sam gets a single episode and it's all wrapped up in the end bye like WHAT#ik with so many characters they can't devote the same amount of time to everyone but like....they should've done better for sam#and now there's only one ep left so ya know. i thought they might come back to it but they did not
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save me npc character design..........
#libra.txt#i'm getting settled on najma's design. i've started on my yeti champion's design (but she needs a name)#working on worldbuilding lore and champion weapons and divine beasts#there's just SO MUCH to this world and i am one person designing a whole mirror world to botw.#AND i'm working on sewing projects. how am i supposed to get anything done!#(hint: stop playing video games so often)#still need to work more on the outline for this fic so i know where i need to go and when.......#botw is so fun bc you can just go anywhere and do anything#but i can't just. do that for my fic. not entirely#i really ought to boot up botw again and look at the story quest details. maybe that would help#at least point me in a good direction#gotta figure out the other two divine beasts........#gotta actually sit down and draw nakhti and kasumi too..........#AND figure out more mask lore!!!!!!#right now it's mostly localised to thieves town but also becoming common among lolian travellers so. a#gotta figure out what the mogmas are doing. how are they involved with the rest of lorule?#also my tropical zora......... love them.#i am SO excited to figure out how to write kalypsi (the original zora champion) she's so interesting to me
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Sharing DND thoughts
So I'm working on a quest idea to play with family(cause they're like the only people I can actually play with for a number of reasons), and I had a sneaky thought
Quest involves them exploring a dark forest, named The Dark Forest, in pursuit of this mysterious creature
Forests mean I can use hags
Hags are cunning and manipulative
Knowing that, and knowing my brother, I fully believe I can trick him into being a tad suspicious of his party members for like a session or two before I reveal the hag
Which I think would be fun
#dnd#dungeons and dragons#random thoughts#my thoughts#Also does anyone else work on the villain speech in the shower before they've even finished early quest details?#Like just trying to come up with cool lines#And a fitting voice#Currently got a big theme on destiny going#Dude is obsessed with preventing a prophesized dragon from being born because it'll burn his cursed forest and replace him as ruller#But he can't prevent this cause he's trapped in a mirror thanks to a botched curse#I'm getting real egotistical vibes from the guy#Also also weird things#I came up with a cool as heck line#But I'm just in the shower so that's just funny timing#Me in the shower:#Deeper then normal voice:#“I only am the master of fate!”
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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.
#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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I've been playing a lot of Hades lately, and I love the game as much as I did a few years ago when I last binged it, but I do have a small complaint. I wish less of the 'plot' was clearly meant to take place before you "beat" the game by getting past the last boss 10 times.
Like it's so obvious that around 30-40% of the plot is MEANT to take place before you even REACH said boss for the first time, and another 40-ish takes place between then and getting ten complete runs.
Only the remaining 25-ish percent is either nebulous or generic enough to take place at ANY time, or explicitly after "beating" the game.
Just as an example, judging by what she says in the conversation that unlocks Meg's hearts and allows you to continue befriending and/or romancing her, her unlock condition is literally just having Alecto and Tisiphone in the game. I'm not sure WHAT condition they have for first appearing (reaching the final boss once maybe?) but I've literally NEVER gotten to the point where Meg is locked before her sisters appear. Or even before "beating" the game.
I've also NEVER reunited any of the estranged pairs in this game prior to beating it, even though it seems like you CAN (and at least in the case of Orpheus & Eurydice, are probably expected to) do so before then. And I know that some of the "summons" are initially locked since the people you're calling for help CAN'T defy Hades, but again, the only one I've ever gotten in time use against him before that restriction is lifted is Skelly's, who WILL come anyway. I guess that's on me for trying to raise everyone roughly equally with nectar instead of favoring anyone. Skelly and Charon usually end up ahead just because they run out of dialogue and I want more from them.
It's a really dumb and perhaps conceited thing to say, but I've gotten TOO good at the "early" game of Hades. The Pact of Punishment can kick my ass, but without it, or with only 1 or 2 restrictions that I'm decent at? From a completely new file, I can consistently REACH the final boss in 15 runs, beat him at least once in 25, and beat him 10 times in 45. And it's a lose-lose situation because I KNOW I'm missing a lot of dialogue that will either be gone forever or eventually crop up way late and hilariously out of place (Zag, you're really bemoaning to Achilles about killing live vermin NOW, after you've done so at least 20 times before?), OR I have to deliberately lose, which... bothers me.
The bulk of the GAMEPLAY for this game is post-game, due to chipping away at the Pact and raising the heat with all your weapons. But the bulk of the STORY takes place before that, and if you go too fast you either miss out on a lot or get some really jarring dialogue at times. As much as I love this game, that discrepancy bothers me.
#hades game#hades#for the record that run claim and count is going off of ONE death defiance.#i've done two 'full' games lately. the first I managed to 'beat' the game in 30 runs. but afterward i felt unsatisfied#i felt like i'd blazed through it so i wanted a slower experience to get more dialogue#in my second attempt... i managed to delay my victory by 10 more runs. and had all the reunion sidequests under way but not done.#also worth noting in that second attempt i DID deliberately die to every new miniboss and boss of an area ONCE.#this is absolutely a game i WISH i could forget completely and experience blind again#because i can't help that i KNOW how the major enemies fight. or which weapons and boons and upgrades work well.#but i'm too competitive to sabotage myself and choose BAD things for no reason (i'll choose them for the fated list of course)#i swear if/when i do a fresh run of this game i'll just. have to ignore the mirror for as long as possible#that's the only way to extend my runs without outright letting enemies kill me
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Was gonna sleep in. Instead woke up randomly at 5 am and have been writing a fix it steddyhands fic since then
I work in like. six hours. I have gotten maybe four hours sleep. Today is a double shift day that'll have me working bit late into the night.
This is fine.
#text post#i want to go back to sleep for a bit but#first gonna make sure i have this draft in a place i can pick it up again to finish later#get up and maybe hit the bathroom to see how my hair looks post sleep lol#to figure out if Housemate and I need to do any additional hair cutting later to even the current cut out#there's also a bunch of finale related posts i wanna reblog to my vent blog#bc those are all mostly going there now since even with anon off ppl can't behave which isn't surprising but also#god im tired can i just be allowed my complex and to my own frustration occasionally conflicting emotions abt this show#that hit literally all my special interests and mirrored my own traumas in such a huge way as to make me work on parts of myself#id previously resigned to just shoving in the box in my head#apparently the answer is no so. private vent blog gets those reblogs#and this blog will get a more neutered and rare set of reblogs abt the finale if any#and way more fix it fic and focusing on what i do still appreciate abt the show and of course me posting abt izzy lol#that's never going away lmao so if it bugs you that i still love and post abt him just unfollow and block me lmaooo#how you wouldn't have already by this point is boggling if it actually bugged anyone that much but#i digress im tired and should try and get back to sleep. maybe dream up more for this latest fic draft
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.
#having a time so I'm here to rant about a couple things#I'd say I use Tumblr like a diary but I have an actual diary that I don't write this much info for#so like after being sick + concussed I'm doing much better now! no lingering symptoms of either anymore and I'm grateful#caught back up on my school work and I'm feeling in good standing for the rest of the semester#feeling fine thinking about the next couple semesters as well#basically this is just me establishing that I've been in a decent mental state lately. yay!#that's shifting a little. not entirely! I'm fine. just struggling with a couple things so I'm writing them out before they really affect me#I'm upset with my mom's opinions on gay people. she goes back and forth between really supportive and really homophobic comments so quickly#just the other day I was excited because she said something positive in response to seeing cars decked out in pride stuff#today she said lesbians can't have kids and expressed that she'd be disappointed if I 'chose' to be one bc 'there's expectations'#like what is that supposed to mean?????#I am gay and I want kids one day. those statements aren't contradictory to one another but I can't tell her that.#switching gears!#I have driving anxiety and hit and run OCD#basically driving makes me very anxious. I am constantly convinced that I've hit someone/something/caused an accident in some way#going over any bump or uneven road makes me feel certain I've ran someone over#I spend LOTS of time looking behind me in my mirrors to check for bodies/broken things/damaged vehicles or just to check for potholes#this causes further worry that I'll cause an accident by not paying attention to what is ahead of me#I also can't trust my memory. my brain tells me I've repressed memories of the accident I caused. this makes me confused to the point that#I no longer remember my route or even where I am. I'll assume I got off route and make panicked turns that actually get me lost#because of this I'm heavily reliant on visual markers to remind me I am on the right path. unfortunately it is fall now.#the nature on my route looks different than it did a couple weeks ago and it's throwing me off. plus there's new construction.#my usual environment has changed and now I'm back to being as nervous about my school commute as I was at the beginning of the semester#it's all just a lot#okay I'm done now. just needed to get that out before I went into a spiral#hope everyone is having a good night 🖤#ashley rambles
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identity crisis
#random thoughts#oh fuck. okay#so. i don't know if i like the name credence anymore. i love how it's spelled but then#it's so weird to pronounce. i can't get over it#you know..... crispin..... that shit works#if someone tried calling me crispin i don't know if i'd be up to it but it's probably better than#me whispering the name in the mirror to myself occasionally.#fuck me.#anyway. we can all thank my brother for calling me crispin biscuits. whatever that shit is the name sounds better than credence#also. agh. in suffering. my stomach has been killing me for like. two hours#i was supposed to make my bed a while ago but now i'm procrastinating. hng#you know. i was happy to find credence. it feels good#but it's sort of like a toxic friendship? i don't want to let go#this is. this is hurting me more. oh fuck#shouldn't be so indecisive. i am fine#sorry to worry you loves. i'll try not to fuck up that fitted sheet thing now instead of continuing to type
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quil. how much art did you have in your drafts.
there's actually still two left, but those are empires pieces and I'm not active in empiresblr so they can sit a little longer.
But! I like to leave long tags on everything I reblog (because I love reading tags, so I want to give that experience to the op) and I don't always have the time/energy to do that when I see cool art, so I just stockpile it in my drafts to be tagged and compliment and unleashed on the world when I do have the time/energy!
I don't reblog nearly as much art as I'd like to, so this is a newer method that I'm trying out :). We'll see if it's up to my standards!
#quil's queries#camelspit#also it was only 7 pieces! not too bad!#also I know i could do empty reblogs. this is just how I choose to do it#because I really like to compliment people. but doing so means I can't compliment as many people because it takes more time#hang on i'm getting distracted trying to justify fewer reblogs because I leave tags#*looking in a mirror* quil do you feel guilty about not being able to support everyone in the world and like you need to justify#how you've chosen to support them according to your capabilities and preferences?#and are you trying to make up for the feeling that you're not using your popularity and online presence properly?#and are benefiting from the exposure of having a bigger blog yourself without giving#enough of that back to the very community and platform that support you? and using your presence to bring attention to#and support others?#quil cut that out you're not required to give all of yourself and are doing what you can. there's always room for improvement#but you are trying and making the effort to improve and support people and share their work and efforts#and you have other responsibilities too. so maybe you could compliment and reblog a lot more. but you're human#and you have to balance. stop feeling guilty#okay cool we're good ignore the talking to myself in the third person to therapy through an unexpected bout of guilt#everything's fine now#anyway! yeah I had some art stored for when I had the mind to compliment and share them :)
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thinking about changing my name to mjiriam so people are forced to ask how it's pronounced
#so! turns out i pretty well like my name#but for like. an externally unrealized version of myself#uh essentially i think it's a good name for a masculine-presenting me#like... a man named miriam#not merriam like the fucking dictionary#also it's not pronounced the same and this is where the weird spelling comes into play#people pronounce the 'mir' as 'mer' like with a soft e#but really it's more like a hard e#like the 'mir' in 'mirror.' miriam#god people spelling my name wrong is such a pet peeve of mine#i ALWAYS spell it for people b/c i know they'll get it FUCKIN wrong#meriam or myriam or merium or marriam or whatever other wretched combination of letters they can invent#and like i work very hard to be normal about it. i don't bring it up except every once in a while#like if people ask#which i consider to be very sweet#but god the 'merriam' pronounciation grinds my gears#oooooh no wait.#i can't change the spelling.#jk lol the hands say no#anyway if you read all these hi. im baked out my gourd#love u#muffinrag blabs#ghost dawa#im high
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i hate that our bathroom is too small to keep a chair in :/
#echos#i don't do a lot of like. making my hair nice or making my face nice#because it involves so much standing in front of a mirror#i want to be able to make my hair nice and put on makeup but fuck i can't stand that long#i have a shower chair but that's too short to see in the mirror and it's a hassle to take out of the bathtub#and i can't use most taller stool-type chairs because i NEED a chair back i need back support#and anyways our bathroom is barely big enough for two people to be in it at once#like if my mom needs to get ready for work i can't use the mirror at all#and i can't just keep a mirror in my room because I'm terrified of them#having it in a designated room is fine but i can't have it in my bedroom#basically i can only be in a room with a mirror if the room is well lit#can't keep my room lit all the time though because light is Evil sometimes and also i need to sleep#either way i can rarely use the bathroom mirror at my place to do anything because it requires moving a chair from another room#which is. not easy.#like if I'm too disabled to *stand up* in front of a mirror moving furniture regularly is like. even worse.#this apartment is in no way built for disabled people :/
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