#i actually like the memory thing and am sad i cant find a way to incorporate it so far

[300iqprower]

I don’t remember the invisible thing affecting the plot a lot. They just give Daybit random abilities because it looks super cool. His ability to summon Foreigners? It was Daybit being a literal radio tower for aliens from the corners of the universe. They never explained how, but Daybit can also just see the shape of the universe with his mind. And you know what, I actually like that they give him all this obviously alien trait, and yet have his guiding philosophy as “Humans fundamentally do good, so I’ll try to do good in honor of the human that I replaced.” even if he approach this “I do good” also from an alien perspective. It’s on track with LB7 theme of human infectiousness.

I keep saying he's a character of all time, and that's cause i'm explicitly avoiding calling him "bad." For all the reasons you said, he IS interesting and unique in a good way. Whether the story uses him right is a whole other matter, or whether he even fits the story, but as a character, Daybit's pretty cool.

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 5

chapter 9:

1. OMG DID REMUS FORGET TO GO BACK TO HIS CELL WAIT HOLY SHIT THIS ISNT GONNA BE GOOD

2. oh good wait, remus left and came back

3. sirius’ first thought is to brush his teeth to kiss sirius 😭😭 he’s so me fr. i wouldn’t let my ex kiss me unless they brushed their teeth first. or had a mint. im so sensitive to smells

4. “He used to build things. Create things. And now he's lucky if he doesn't destroy what's already formed.” JESUS FUCK. THATS LITERALLY SO SAD WTF

5. 😭😭😭 sirius is literally amidst gay panic beyond your wildest comprehension and remus is just like ✨☺️😏🥱🩷🏳️‍🌈 “touch me”

BABES

6. “Remus hums. "Imagine how I feel. No one's touched me without causing me pain in five years."” NOOOO BABY

7. god, wolfstar deserves everything. the best wolfstar content i find is always in a fic that is centered on another ship. i could literally survive off wolfstar alone- no water, no food, no air

8. wolfstar calling each other beautiful>>>>>>>

9. 😬 what did sirius jsut say. i must be going crazy. cause there’s no way he just said he needed to brush his teeth

10. wolfstar deserves the world universe

11. reg is no longer a pathetic teen with a crush, he’s a pathetic adult with a crush

12. reg being grumpy even in his sleep <33333

13. james having a pathetic crush on reg while cuddling together is top tier

14. there really needs to be an emoji to accurately show the face i just made. it probably looks similar to this- 😀😟 what. there’s no way reg is about to tease james, just to get his old 14 year old self off

15. 😀😀 girl what is he doing. i-

16. how he became freinds with barty is so crimson rivers canon, i can’t even. like, i KNOW that it’s canon. but it’s also canon that bizzarestars was right about. no author mistakes in that piece

17. damn, reg is actually gonna go at it. i don’t know how james is gonna survive this and make it to the actual arena.

18. “James says his name like it's the only word that has meaning. His voice is rough, and Regulus' name is sloppy and desperate in his mouth, like a hail mary or a form of salvation.” CHRIST. I SAID I DIDNT KNOW HOW JAMES WOULD SURVIVE THIS, BUT HOW THE HELL DID REG SURVIVE THIS??

19. “Barty is a good lover, there's no denying that—but he'll be damned if James isn't just better.” 😟 shocked. omg. who would have guessed this would be reggie’s thoughts

20. “"Because you might die today," Regulus tells him bluntly, shrugging one shoulder as he stands up. "Consider it a parting gift. Now, get out."”

😧

they just fucked, and all reg can do is be like “yeah yeah, now get out horny bitch” no fucking way i just read that right i-

bitch that’s foul

21. “Regulus is a conundrum, honestly.” yes. that’s the word i’d use to describe him.

22. james: don’t tell sirius that reg and i just fucked. also james: “he’s in the shower”

bitch if you could be any more obvious

23. “Remus Lupin. If there's one good thing to come out of all this, it's him.” YES YES YES ABSOLUTELY! REMUS IS THE GOOD IN THIS

24. “”James, I am so grateful to know you, and so sorry that I had to. Every name that I call is a name I wish I never learned. Yours—you—will remain etched into my heart forever."” BITCH I CANT CRY OVER THIS- MY EYE MAKEUP LOOKS TOO GOOD TODAY TO CRY

25. “"I'll see you again soon, Regulus."” BITCH WTF THAT HURTS EVEN MORE THAN JAMES’ GOODBYE

26. maybe it’s been too long since i’ve read the books, BUT this fic seems to capture the absolute tragedy and horrors of it before it even starts even more

27. christ, not reg saying the “i don’t want to go” that hurts. like holy fuck. he’s still just a scared child. don’t put him in that arena

28. god, the way the death of james feels like sirius dying too. and sirius deciding that once james is dead, sirius will be too

how the hell is this people’s comfort fic???

29. not sirius having a lapse of memory and losing his memory of his last moments with james. that shit hurts

30. fabian <3333

31. 😧 wait fabian is dead. they just shot him. holy shit

32. gideon <3333

33. wait gideon is dead too.

y’all. i just-

this whole chapter was a fucking rollercoaster.

[localgardenweed]

Its almost 1AM I have a interview with Wendy’s at 10:30AM so im gonna talk about my random HWS Japan headcanons until I pass out

He need reading glasses, I know we see him in the show/manga wearing them and like he may like actually need them and just uses contacts but in my mind they are only for reading. His eyes aren’t what they used to be and he needs his little nerd glasses

He likes making those bento box cooking videos, he makes them for himself and his friends/partners. He finds a lot of ways to pass the time and this is one of many. He likes making the character bentos the most, they make him smile

Gardening. Imagine walking into his backyard and seeing him on his knees tending to his strawberries and radishes just LOOK AT HIMMM!! Not only does it save him money but also makes him feel accomplished when he gets a good harvest

He typically likes doing a lot of those DIY projects, making little shelves and furniture and god knows what. He goes online and sees what new project he can make today to keep himself busy

He is actively greying and has been dying his hair for AGES. He plucks out greying eyebrow hair and stubble and dyes his hair. If someone points out a grey hair he gaslights them into thinking its just the lighting or they’re imagining things. If anyone found out he dyed his hair you wouldn’t see them the next day /j

He tried to grow a mustache in his youth but it looked so bad he repressed the memories of it deep DEEP into his mind you will never find them man. He found old paintings of his mustache and couldn’t bare to witness them anymore he buried them in his basement never to be seen again

He actively works out, he takes a 5 mile jog every morning and evening and does some biking and swimming every other day. He likes to stay fit even though he really doesn’t have to anymore. He just likes to keep his body toned. He also likes the cringe 1980’s American workout videos. He got a VHS set from America on his birthday and felt that he basically called him fat but no America just needed to get rid of them so just regifted them to him. He ended up liking them though so ig it worked out in the end

As well practices his swordsmanship, like dude we are in the modern day you do not need to know how to use a katana anymore but he does it anyway cause what if someone breaks in man you never know man una nunca sabè

Its right next to him every night and he is FAST, he even hears the slightest sound he jumps up and gets ready to slice you in half

Him and Prussia and very good friends (or maybe more idk am i pushing my PruPan agenda? YES) and he keeps a empty room for him when he decides to crash at Japan’s place for the 5th time this year. He doesn’t mind him he is very tidy and always repays the favor somehow. They like to go out for lunch and do all of the above together. They like to exchange snacks like chips and drinks.

He almost sliced Prussia in half when he crept into his room to ask him for smth when he was asleep, he only chopped off a lock of his hair and nicked his nose but nothing serious. He profusely apologized for it after and Prussia was a little shocked for a but but laughed it off and was okay. He was a but sad about the hair but it’ll grow back. Prussia knocks loud as hell now if he wants Japan for smth and he’s asleep

He keeps little historical knick knacks around his house that he should probably donate but doesn’t cause “They’re still good to use!!” Even though its a thousand year old pot that should be a health hazard. He has been wearing the same damn yukata for almost 2 centuries now cause he only wears it once every other summer summer when he finds his buried in his storage and the local museums beg to have it but he’s too attached to it to let go

He wheels around Pochi in a stroller sometimes when he feels a little silly. He loves dressing Pochi up with bows and ties and bandannas and god knows what else. That dog has been out in so many outfits bro cant catch a break

If he were human he would either pursue photography full time, his dream would be to get his photos on build boards and magazine covers. Maybe he’d be a field photographer too, go out into nature and stuff

He already does photography as a hobby but could never really do it full time cause ya know country duties

And thats it thank you for coming its now almost 2 AM lets hope I don’t regret this

[kidfoundonstreets]

LOVEBRUSH CHRONICLE. YOU LIKE?

ill try to keep it brief 1/20397

lovebrush chronciles is an otome game deisgbed by team/company I AM ACTUALLY NOT SURE DESPITE YOU SEEING IT EVRRYTIME YOU ENTER THE GAME HOLD ON neteaze games (passion of gamers) and it is about altnerate universes, time fuckery, and school life.

the game begins introducing itself as a regular otome school life sim (my condolences to the fans who fell for william first sight only to find out hes not an actual love interest trust me i see u i feel u) but then WHAM BAM!! just when u thougut ur girl best friend was lookin kinda cute she gets X_x in this summon circle and you jump in to save her only to find out youre now in a royal cage surrounded by people that needa sacrifice you to save themselves from their own doom. oh and youre not in your own world anumore good luck have fun

so now here goes the different plots and paths with the love interests. the way i playrd it was as they introduced it, which was ayn aklaid lars claerence. no cael route yet which rips me apart every night. the love interests seem to have consistent values throughout most universes despite all of their diferet upbringings which i find pretty cool considering schoollife and royaltylife are two completely drastic diferent things, and also i nejoy how mc is written with more character and an amazing design to match the rest of the beautifully drawn cast

on that topic the art is GORGEOUS. i have never seen such beautiful detailed art in a game before and i assure you it will not disappoijnt. the graphics and smoothness of the game are especially a great touch. THERES A MINI STORY FOR EACH CARD BTW SR AND UP ITS SO GOOD becasenit feels as if the creatoes actually put care and give a shit into whar theyre writing and drawing and even in little events the absolute quality and depth of the cast shines theough its just i cannot express how much you need to play tjis game if you like dating sims ITS FREE TOO??,×*#&@ IMSO SAD WHY ID OBEYEME GETTING SM ATTENTION WHEN THIS IS SITTJNGHERE HUH dont get me wrong i too was in that hole but trust me brother there is only one man worth it there and obeyeme sure as hell isnt gonna do it justice with its 200+ chapter peobably plotline

anywya its 11 pm and ibhave no idea how to organize this post so ill just go through the cast

he is my plaything

ANYWAY ayn is so maahh hes the stupid cat that sleeps on me at night HE USED YO BE MY FAV AND WAS EXACTLY MY TYPE OFF THE BAT ITS SO IRONIC HES MY LEASY LIKED NOW but hes still very good and god you need to see this

^^ bisexual dilemma

^^ HIS EMO PHASE

i like him as a side piece, he has a nice personality but it doesnt stick out to me as much as the rest but i heavily respect the enjoyers of him

Aigh now

HHHRHRGGGHWH HHRGGBW WHWHWBW W SLSOPE9282B3BDND BSHSJW W GHENRBR .R FJJGGW HJ W..B GHN.F. H . THROWSUP aklaid my dear my darling ! i lvouou my little STARBOY my favorite my self sacrificing devoted prince who acts soo nice but is the cause of his own decay. smooochh I ADORE HIM dude one time he almost dies and mc is like "i am so sorry" and hes smiling qhile saying "nono! this is the happiest ivebeen" GET THERAPY

lars is my favorite lesbian

im onsessed w him hes always fun no matter where he is and yet they still dont dumb him down the moments where hes serious only add to his character his charm is unexplainable his rizz unatainable you could never

my TRUE favorite lesbian

MY FABORITE MY FABORITE KY DAVROITE I WAS SO WORRIED HOW I WOULD ENKOY HIM BECAUSE SO KUCH WAS UNKNOWN BUT AHGGWDHHSHW HIS ROUTE HIS DEPTH EVERYTHING IT MAKES ME SO SADITS HWARTBREAKING DUDE "HAIR HOLDS MEMORIES" IM GONNA SOB INTO MY HANDS I CANT BELIEVE I LOVE A MAN NAMED CLARENARENCNEUXIHQBQ SHUTOROSHUSITP oh and he really likes cats :D

i have run out of images but cael caught my eye since the beginning and i dont know whats wrong with him is he my parental figure my wife my side piece my worst enemy my hater my lover my killer my doomer my caretaker my one-time-leave-you-for-nine-months

i genuinely cannot stand him hes the one who i always run to and check on firstin efents and stories not claerence not lars not alkaid but fucking CAEL.

i cant help it maybe in the end my heart really belongs to him because im still waiting for his route and for him to show moreemotion and maybe break down or slowly go through the agony of learning to accept love despite everything despite you

this is the only part i feel a little uneased about in the writers hands.. they are very capable hands.. but will they do him right.. hes so stupidly simple but not it makes me grit my teeth and die

◇°♡○♤○£▪︎¥°₩`£•♡○◇○♡♤◇•◇•♡☆

THANK YOU EVERYPONY FOR REASING IF YOU DID PLEASE SMASH THAT OIKE AND SUBACRIBE BUTTON FOR MORE UNHINGED RANTS IM SORRY FOR BEING AUSTISTIC AND MAY DO IT AGAIN ♡♡ GOD BLESS

[alphabet-p00p]

i cant really explain it i just feel like giving up all the time i feel sad i feel fatigued my head feels tired of overthinking i feel no motivation to go on and i see no future. i feel like trying to live in spite of this is living a certain lie. i need to find a therapist but i dont even know what kind of help i need. i probably need a few therapists and theyre all probably busy. i dont have the time i dont have the money i feel awful im just wasting money. i cant drop out of school because ive already sunk so much money in but i think i know at the core of it i dont want it because my parents want me to do it and i let myself get wrapped up in something i didnt really want which always happens always happens always happens. i keep some of the bad memories away with weed but then i become more reliant on it and ive thought about quitting but i get so so bored without it thats another thing the boredom always always.

i have been thinking about what life would look like for people if i did kill myself. i am really struggling in so many ways and i know people are struggling worse so i feel selfish and weak about that. i just look at my mountain of work and know there is nothing to save me.

my girlfriend made me a room and the only time i slept in it was when they were blackout drunk and i was mad at them and but really they had just given themself a concussion. im sick of feeling trapped like this too. why cant you fucking pull your weight. but theyre the only one who helps me.

winters are always bad and then theres college. it always starts like this too i fall behind and then its catch up for the next two months. but this time the fails feel even lower and the wins dont feel like anything. lately i have been taking every bad grade and correction and comment and critique so so personally and i have been really sensitive about negative comments towards me but at the same time been a miserable hater. this happens a lot too during the school year. i attribute this to my own stress and my own frustration at not being at a school that actually specializes in what i do. im too far into a life i dont want and will be saddled with it for the rest of my life and im too far in to even start over or clear it all. i see this debt as something holding me back from running away. running away from my parents and running away from myself i guess.

i cant go on like this but i dont know what to do. i keep thinking about how peoples lives would go on if i died. im so tired.

[clawcakes]

doin the ask game for @sonic-oc-showdown because i want to infodump about my funny sonics!!! also ft. plucky and lyre even though theyre not in the tournament just cause you cant have one without the other two, man. original post by @/schondezert956 here

✨- How did you come up with the OC’s name? puns. tommy: a tom-tom is a type of drum plucky: guitars are plucking instruments lyre: a lyre is a stringed instrument (bit of a stretch with this one but A. i really like the name lyre, B. naming her violet would've been too obvious)

🌼 - How old are they? (Or approximate age range) all 3 are young adults around their early 20s

🌺- Do they have any love interest(s)? does a QPR count as love interests? cus they queerplatonically love eachother so much.

🍕 - What is their favorite food? tommy: she loves ice cream so much she's made her bandmates equally obsessed with it plucky: acorns. they'll find one on the ground and crack it open with their teeth and start dining. lyre: shitty instant ramen. she is embarrassed about this and will instead say it's 𝐵𝑜𝓃𝒿𝑜𝓊𝓍𝓇𝑒 𝒹𝑒 𝓁𝒶 𝒞𝓇𝒶𝓅

💼 - What do they do for a living? they're a traveling band, man! they're The Shooting Stars!! their music has 700000000 listeners on spotify (in plucky's dreams)!!!

🎹 - Do they have any hobbies? tommy: she likes to draw in her spare time. her art style is strikingly reminiscent of sunky.mpeg. plucky: they're the kinda Gamer Girl to accidentally electrocute their controller because they got extremely mad at fortnite. they also like to collect pins and cool rocks. lyre: he enjoys and creates all kinds of art, music is just the one he made his profession. she's knitted countless ugly sweaters for her bandmates (and has to stop herself from crying whenever she seems them wearing one).

🎯 -What do they do best? disregarding the obvious answer of "music LOL"... tommy: she's very skilled at making people feel relaxed, whether it's deescalating arguments or calming someone who's stressed. she has a very Chill Aura that makes it easy to be around her. also, silly bear. plucky: keep a positive attitude! it's hard for anything to ever keep her down. lyre: she's a quick learner and a quick thinker, so she's great at adapting to any situation. her actual response to this question would be "i am the best at anything and everything," said while shaking and sweating and gripping the table so hard it cracks.

🥊 -What do they love to do? What do they hate to do? tommy: repetitive tasks are very calming to her, so she's the designated chore-doer of the three of them. she doesn't particularly hate doing anything-- if it bothers her, she'll find a way to make it fun! plucky: they love exploring, seeing new things and meeting new people and experiencing new thrills. the thing she hates doing most is nothing; she is very easily bored and always needs an outlet for her endless energy. lyre: she loves creating, no matter the form; the art of making art is enthralling to her. he hates cooking because he sucks at it and has managed to make every single kitchen appliance explode. including a spatula.

❤�� - What is one of your OC’s best memories? tommy: she'd think about it for a moment-- her best memory-- then realize she's just listing off every single second she's spent with her bandmates. plucky: the shooting stars's first venture after the band first formed. it was at that moment plucky fully realized this is what she wanted to do, and these are who she wants to do it with. lyre: when she told her bandmates she loved them, and they told her they loved her too.

✂️ - What is one of your OC’s worst memories? gonna be real everyone's backstories are so barebones that i do not have an answer for this LOL. theyre just my funny girls i dont want them to be sad

🧊 - Is their current design the first one? not quite, but almost! i basically knew what i wanted right from the get-go, i just had to fiddle with everyone a bit before i got em perfect. it was very important to me for tommy to be fat and hairy and have Susie Deltarune Hair. V here is their first concept sketch from back in may!

🍀 - What originally inspired the OC? sonic music is so fucking good i heard it and was like I GOTTA MAKE SOME GUYS OUT OF THIS. they were specifically inspired by Fist Bump (Instrumental), which is why lyre is violin and not like bass or something. (their species also came from me googling "woodland animals" on google images because i was desperate for inspiration.)

🌂 - What genre do they belong in? sonic fangame that lowkey looks like it was made in roblox

💚 - What is your OC’s gender identity and sexuality? tommy: aromantic lesbian, girl but you can't tell if she's trans or cis or non-binary or all three at once (she/her) plucky: non-binary, aroace (they/she) lyre: bigender, bisexual. bicycle (she/he)

🙌 - How many sibling does your OC have? tommy: a single older sister (and a niece that she has claimed her younger sister) plucky: an uncountable number. she could list all their names to you and you'd lose track halfway through. lyre: 0, she's an only child

🍎 - What is the OC’s relationship w/their parents like? tommy: her parents "disappeared" when she was too young to remember them-- for all she knows and cares, her uncles are her parents. she sends them letters often. plucky: they love their parents and each and every member of their comically large family! she chats with em whenever and however she gets the chance. lyre: her parents held her to very high regard, expected very great things of her, and taught her all the wrong things. she hasn't spoken to them in a long time.

🧠 - What do you like most about the OC? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PICK JUST ONE THING MAN. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEYRE MY EEBY DEEBIES MAN. probably their designs (tommy's in particular, she's like my magnum opus).

✏️ - How often do you draw/write about the OC? it fluctuates, as it does with any other of my ocs. at the current time im rotating them around in my mind like rotisserie chicken

💎 - Do you ever see yourself killing off the OC? NO!!!!!!!

💀 - Does your OC have any phobias? tommy is comically fearless. being around water makes plucky uneasy, due to their electricity powers. lyre will scream at the top of her lungs if she sees a spider.

🍩 -Who is your OC’s arch-nemesis or rival? i've vaguely rotated around the idea of making a rival band to the shooting stars, a fellow traveling trio who play emo music and are all super emo (*lyre voice* plucky you know i'm scared of emos!!!). they'd be like the goth to the shooting stars's prep, and whenever they see eachother they immediately get into a fistfight. haven't done anything with the idea though LOL

🎓 - How long have you had the OC? i first came up with their concept in may this year, but i named and finalized them in july! they're babies.

🍥 - What age were you when you created the OC? classified

[your13threasonwhy]

holy shit im so mad.

!!!SPOILERS FOR SEE YOU IN MY 19TH LIFE KDRAMA AND WEBTOON!!!

(disclaimer-sorry if any of the characters names are spelt wrong or need a hyphen, i get things confused between the kdrama and webtoon)

i read the webtoon way before the kdrama came out and i am still, to this day, so emotionally attached to it like, its one of the most amazing things ive read and i still cry when i think about it too much.

so, imagine my excitement when i find out its getting a kdrama and my absolute dissapointment when i find out that they changed literally everything (this is an exaragation) that made the webtoon so amazing.

when the show came out i was basically begging my sister to watch it with me (since she hasnt read the webtoon) and we are currently seven episodes in because we had to go on holidays however, we will continue watching it (even though i spent a good hour and a half contemplating whether or not i would actually be able to watch it without combusting after i read what they changed) until the end.

so, like the the overly anxious person i am, i searched up the ending just to make sure they hadnt changed anything else apart from min-gi's character and adding han-na (who we will discuss later) and proceeded to rip my hair out after reading that they made the female lead LOSE ALL OF HER MEMORIES ABOUT EVERYONE SHE LOVED.

but before we get into that i want to talk about the things they actually did well, for example, the cinematography, casting and scenery were actually so amazing and its definitely so much better than the webtoon (however the webtoon does still have a special place in my heart) and i think possibly the only good plot change they did was make han-na the reincarnation of seo-ha's mother. as someone who despises sad/bittersweet stuff i love that they made his mother reincarnate and keep her memories even if he doesnt meet her (which i dont know if he does because im only on episode seven) because its so sweet to think that she got a chance to see her son all (sort of) happy and grown up. i also love the fact that they added more depth to her past lives and showed up more scenes of them as, in the webtoon, im pretty sure the only things we got that related to her past lives were- her and min-gi's friendship, her and doyun's 'relationship' in her first life and her being ae-kyung's uncle.

now, onto the things im sad they didnt keep in but that i could deal with, which is mostly min-gi's character as a whole and the convinience store scene with ji-eum and min-gi where they recognise each other from their past lives (which im assuming they dont do since they changed his whole character). apparently, in the kdrama, min-gi and ji-eum used to be rivals/enemies in their past life or whatever so he decides to like hunt her down and basically stalk her😭😭 and then proceed to tell her that she needs to stop speaking and being around people from her past life because it hurts them (something i will talk-type?-about in a bit).

the reason why im so mad at this is because they straight just basically made him antagonistic instead of HAVING HIM AND JI-EUM BE FRIENDS IN THEIR PAST LIVES AND HAVING HIM SAY THEIR LITTLE SECRET MESSAGE AND HER BEING LIKE 'omg someone actually remembers their past life other than me?' AND THEN HIM JUST TRYING TO HELP HER NOT REMEMBER HER PAST LIVES ANYMORE BUT BEING A LITTLE BIT MISGUIDED BUT THEN THEIR STILL FRIENDS AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT 😖😖😖. like, they just ruined his character potential so much my changing that and adding the stupid motherfucking thing about how interacting with people from your past lifes hurts them.

finally, the things i hate, buckle up folks because this is going to be as long as my dick/j. first of all, the ending and THE STUPID 'YOU CANT INTERACT WITH YOUR PAST LIVES' BULLSHIT. i think the ending and the knowing about past lives hurts people is just absolute boiling garbage because 1-it just doesnt make sense 2-it doesnt make ANY fucking sense and 3-why the fuck does she need to forget but the people from her past lives dont forget who she was as ji-eum and as her past lives??? like i would rather they all forget but they're still happy and her and seo-ha are still dating/married and they're all still close but whatever. second, the whole fucking plot change like they apparently made this whole thing that made ji-eum think seo-ha murdered her sister for some fucking angst instead of the perfectly reasonable (and just as dramatic) thing with doyun where she thinks they were married so she distances herself from seo-ha but it turns out they were sisters and her and seo-ha still get to be happy AND THE WHOLE THING ABOUT THE DEAL WITH GOD (which also relates to the ending) BECAUSE IN THE END SHE ASKS GOD TO MAKE HER STOP REMEMBERING HER PAST LIVES AND SHE GRADUALLY STARTS TO FORGET THEM BUT SHE STILL KNEW SHE HAD HAD PAST LIVES AND SHE STILL REMEMBERED EVERYONE SHE CARED OUT AND THEN (if i remember correctly) SEO-HA REFUSES GOD'S OFFER TO REMEBER HIS PAST LIVES BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANNA HAVE ANY OTHER LOVE APART FROM HIS AND JI-EUM'S😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭(not sure if thats what he actually says but you get the gist) AND THEN THEY GET MARRIED AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER INSTEAD OF HER FORGETTING LITERALLY EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE SHE EVER CARED ABOUT AND HAVING TO REBUILD HER RELATIONSHIPS WAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

THEY ARE EVERYTHING TO ME.

in conclusion, the see you in my 19th life kdrama was absolute trash and i think they should remake it. In this essay i will

[whorecorelover]

Hole people of tumblr. It is I again not too long after my last post.

Abuse, the constant exposure to abuse nonstop will lead you to question yourself. Will place doubts in your mind, making you think and rethink everything. You will find yourself wandering if you actually are a bad person because of all the reactions your abuser is giving to you. It is important to keep in touch with people who do not have that intentions with you. People who make you feel safe.

Although it is especially difficult if your abuser is isolating you from those people. One way or another you feel that you are losing contact with them. You feel that your peace is slowly disappearing. The reason they keep doing these is to control you.

However, if your abuser is especially smart, they will be giving you things in return for their controlling in return for their reactions. And if they already have a very powerful place in your life they will give you more and bring in your conscience.

My example, is money. I am heavily controlled and limited through it. While also getting an exceptional education thanks to their sacrifice. Look at my language, the way I talk about them. It’s very honoring isn’t it? It is. Because what they are doing on the surface, is very honorable. Sending a daughter, away from home to abroad in a culture where she was supposed to get married already. It is a very honorable act. No one sees how this honorable act is making my life difficult. Don’t get me wrong, the opportunities I have are unmatched. But the psychological abuse I have to tolerate because of those necessary opportunities for a successful and a happy life is unmatched.

Going out is scary. Having friends is scary. Being free is scary. Being with my partner is scary. How come? The reactions given when I state any of these (other than partner they don’t know) is belittling. Not only that, it is making me feel wrong to want to wind off, to want to go out, experience things, have memories with people.

I never felt like I lived. Truly lived this life. I am almost a quarter of the way through and I never had a say in anything I did until this age. I’m forced into such a horrifying state that it makes me feel terrified.

I know their reaction. That’s why I am usually quite lonely. Was never allowed friends, wasn’t allowed to do activities. If I was they were chosen and forced onto me by my abuser. I will keep living this sad life until I put a stop to it. But that stop isn’t going to happen anytime soon unfortunately.

My mums justification of it is always: he still thinks you’re the little bit blue eyed baby who couldn’t walk. Well, I am none of that anymore. My eye color changed to brown around 3 years old, my hair grew significantly darker than the blonde hair my abuser is picturing me with, I have grown taller than him, and I can walk and run. I am not a baby. He cannot do the same things he did to me as a baby. Not anymore. Because I am not a baby.

So dear reader, If you cant do anything else, know your abusers. Know who they are and that they are hurting you. It is better than not being aware.

[our-inspire-verse]

I am! Not great again! Why I'd did that. Stuff /VeryNegative under the cut

Just. Jesus fucking christ when will these flashbacks stop. I SAW myself die again. And then i also, MORESO have to watch Alder find me again and again. He fucking. Kept yelling my name. He kept calling for me, desperate. He was so hurt. I was already cold. He couldn't do anything, it wasnt his fault. But he tried so hard. And then he sat there for so long.

How could i have not known. Twice. There was an attempt in my timeline but thank fucking GOD i failed. Can you fucking imagine I'd succeeded? Was it better he was alone? What would it have been like if Dan and Cadance were there and i succeeded? Because they helped him when i failed. But something broke in the other timeline within him. I can see it in the way he put his hand on my shoulder. That was something he did in our lifetime, he'd just gently stroke my shoulder. It grounded me, it was affectionate, it felt really nice. I can sense the thoughts in his head. "He can't feel this now"

I've been gone for hours. I probably was before he ever could have made it home. I was alone in my room like that for sO long and i died afraid. Thats all i can think about was how afraid i was. I didn't think anyone cared about me, i know i was more isolated from Dan in this universe. I know i was more cruel to myself. And knowing these are facts of how these things work is one thing. Actually seeing where that switch over was, thats another. The way that allowing love into your life saves you in impossible to know ways. You have to allow people to love you.

You will die without it.

And knowing i didn't have a chance to be saved in this one. Knowing there was a real possibility of it going bad, it wasn't just a silly cry for attention written by a sad artist. It was the possibility of my mental health taking over and ruining my father's(chosen) life. It was the fact that i do have an impact on my future and i have to decide to have one. Theres nothing i can do to help either damned soul now, there's something so uniquely heart shattering about having to live with grief like this. It is not mine, it is of mine. It is of me. It is a holy sensation that i regard with vile distaste. The feeling is important, more important than a lot of things.

Growing up this life i never thought i would live past 10. Then a lot of other numbers. How original. How horrible. It actually is horrible. Desensitization makes. These numbers these thoughts, its hard to recognize im sad about it since its so normalized. But being 7 and suicidal isn't. And i cant believe i carried that and my past life all this time like this. And now that im so aware, ill carry it differently. I can't believe i lived so long. I cant believe im gonna KEEP living so long. I havent felt genuinely suicidal in ages. I can be real, and say the idealization is there, but it's more about the fantasy of getting help for it. But recieving memories like this reminds me of how bad that hurt. For decades. And how bad it hurt alternate or past selves, and those loved ones there. I'm so sorry Alder, i desperately wish there was anything i could do. To take it back, to help heal, to love you better than i did. Your cabin stayed empty, my room stayed where it was, and you stayed alone. Dan stayed over, but not much. You never got to know Cadance. You met briefly and never became friends.

I did all of that. Everything was actually because of me. I can't take that right now. I was resting and these memories wont stop. It's incredible though. How bright the sun is from up here. How even though pain burns more intensely than it usually does from this height, so does the love. How much the love permeated in every crack and crevice last life. How i let the light in and hope filled us all up. Even during loss and pain and torture, even losing each other. It was okay. Because at least it happened.

[velvetporcelain]

I hate typing on my computer, it makes me feel vulnerable and I don't like feeling like a flower right now

hello. it's me. late afternoon on a Friday. I went to the grocery store in normal white girl clothes and it was horrible. I felt so normal. HA. under that radar baby.

a hidden gem. why do I keep talking about myself so highly? it's not me. it's the voice inside of me. that tells me all the wonderful things about me, true purpose and real self concept forming in front of my eyes and I cant look away. a growth that I am only witnessing. I get all my beauty to myself. I am the one and only me. I believe me.

who else is there to believe? what else is there to believe? when you say "we believe" what does that mean? what does belief look like to you?

you have to say these things out loud, because you will never be able to make sense of it until later. it is only after do we see. so I just keep waiting for things to happen to me. I keep paying attention to all the good things that are happening to me. when ideology is met with reality then to me, that is belief.

everything that I have thought of myself has made it's way through into reality. it was only after I re-read my memories that I could see how easily it was to actually manifest a higher self reality. It takes focus and discipline. doing things you hate but acting like you love it. that's routine and retraining. once you actually stop thinking about it is when you become it. Leaving only shitty memories of a lower version of yourself. the past is never far. people snuff their the past A LOT. I get it. it's hard to look at yourself from that high. but your higher than that version of yourself. Just because you now have the ability to look upon the million versions of yourself, you will know that you are always at your highest potential. there is nothing sad about he past, only knowledge and fear of repetition. Some people aren't afraid to run on the wheel like a tiny little hamster. they cant see the patterns, they dont even know they are in a cage, let alone ON the wheel itself. me? I'm tapping on the glass from the outside saying how cute you are, and imagining a life with you, because I am free to do so.

I am still learning on how to not take things personally. especially with the relationship with myself, this doesn't mean that my own betrayal does not go unnoticed. I know when I betray myself. and that usually plants the seed of my anger. yes, I may seem hard on myself, but I have this overwhelming passion to reach higher. I dont like when I get in the way of myself. I am both predator and prey.

I am easy until I become complicated. just like the ocean. it is easy to put your feet in, it is easy to put your knees in, it is easy to put your waste in, anything above the waste becomes complicated and terrifying. terrifying in a sense of depth. how deep would you dive into another person? how easy it looks until you're drowning, lost in universal tides.

I want to know what lies on the bottom of the sea. I want to see everything that could have possibly sunk. can you imagine? the mind is sorta the same, I think because everyone is always able to easily envision themselves on a beach. it's where they go in their heads to find peace.

Mine? oh mine is always the most beautiful cemetery where I mourn the past versions of me when I'm misbehaving, or need peace.

or maybe I'm just stuck in a very florescent cube and I never really experience anything. I just watch it on the wall that turns into a screen as I'm experiencing. a core memory-

-- anyways---- dont forget-

a lone wolf doesn't get jealous of the massive crowds.

-x

[dumbbitchfrommars]

should i be getting rid of his stuff?? somehow i feel his energy is around me if i keep it. i can feel his presence all the time. like im lowkey obsessing over the thought/idea of him. its understandable and im not upset over it, he was genuinely the best i ever had. ive said this multiple times now. its not a huge deal, cause its only up from here. and he wont be the best forever. but like its a shift. a positive shift in my standards for men.

ive always said i need to experience things to really learn and the consequence of a mistake leaves me with the gift of wisdom and knowledge. so ill never regret it. but yeah... im done. so i should probably get rid of his stuff?

its crazy how much energy can stick. its literally like something is compelling me to attach to him. something so addictive and hard to resist? like almost like magic? its strange. i only knew this man so briefly and im completely sucked in. like no one ive ever experienced before.

maybe its BECAUSE it was so brief that im so addicted? it was so long ago but i cant forget. everything is so incredibly vivid in my memory. it was so exciting, like being with him was so magnetic and our energies literally bounced off eachother. like what? was that lovebombing ? it felt so real and unlike something ive had with someone.... actually, i did with my ex. i think something like it. could it be something in me changed? no. he brought that side out in me. but not many guys can...

hmm. im starting to rethink ghosting him so soon. but he was ignoring me for days! no. hes not the idea you have of him. he switched up. no grown man does that to a girl he cares about. also, hes all of 24 and doesnt know that being that kind of guy is so fucking cringe and going to leave you single for longer??? but then i come back around to my main, anxious, pointless idea - maybe he never intended to be in a relationship, and had some desire to know (insecure?) that i WOULD be in a relationship with him, and after achieving getting me to come around - manipulating me? playing me - just lost interest? textbook time waster. and then that brings me to the idea that what kind of person finds satisfaction in that? like how mentally ill can you be?? then i feel bad for him. cause thats so sad...

im literally so happy and abundant and radiant on my own, that i think guys think using their usual tactics and playing games somehow works in claiming that energy for themself. the reality is, they'll feel it for a split second, and once i leave, theyll never forget how they fumbled the most authentic person theyll probably ever meet or have the privilege of knowing. you cant steal my personality and my energy for yourself. i am smarter than that now. i know im an earth angel and my energy is so precious for the people who do matter.

you hurt me but youre only helping me in calling in the next lesson in for my growth.

okay i went on a stoned tangent there.

another interesting thing about this situation is the typical flashbacks to my ex that i get after a failed relationship. its really unlikely hed still have the exact same personality as the guy i dated, but the way we connected at the time still feels very profound and unlike any relationship i have had since. like pivotal in my development.

my heart was fully open and i was all in with him. and he was with me. like... thats crazy. and the way we'd be playful with eachother... it was amazing.

and then i meet this guy, and in one hour he has established that comfortable, flirty, playful banter between us so authentically. and by the next morning he made me feel comfortable enough to do the most crazy things in bed with him. reading that back sounds like a red flag. i dont know. it was fun.

maybe i need to consider why the fuck i am so attracted to toxicity, if that is the case and i just happened to ignore a billion red flags. i need to debrief with chloe to find out if this is true.

its not a redflag! it was fun. it was everything i needed it to be. it was everything that happened after we separated that was the red flag. im kind of just glad he was normal while we were together so i could enjoy the fun of it.

this has been a riveting, worthwhile experience.

one of my core memories is watching a late night movie as a child on a random channel where a writer was cheating on her husband with another married couple where there was a specific scene of the other man upset at her because writers care about experiences/their writing more than other people.

ever since that day... i feel like thats been central in my life. i really just was to be confident and comfortable in myself enough to do anything that will thicken the plot, or give me more understanding about life. any crazy thing. any rebellious thing. anything that might be disapproved of. because i can.

i did it because i could and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. and it ended up being a once in a lifetime experience. and im glad it gets to stay perfect in its little bubble of one random weekend at the end of spring...

anyways. fucking hell girl. GIRL , MOVE ON!!!! in my sassy mans words, move on.

[duck-era-lexi]

topster album chart (ranked it by listenablity as an album)

deepdive under cut

row 1

five seconds flat is first, it is my absolute favorite album of all time and i think it is an incredibly coherent album. it encompasses my aesthetic so well and is so soft and beautiful. doomsday, reckless driving, and ceilings are some of my favorites, but there are so many good songs on this.

the next four are just taylor albums, evermore is better than folklore in my opinion. folklore has more coherence yes but evermore has ivy so therefore it is better. i'm glad you understand. red is pop, it is screaming in the car but also sobbing in the car and while i love it dearly my vibe is more chill than that. midnights is iconic and i have a lot of memories with it, as it was my first taylor album. out of all of these i also listen to midnights as an ALBUM the most.

row 2

We start off the next with the other lizzy album because ofc, she's just amazing and she somehow does the same quiet powerful voice over and over again and still keeps her songs from all sounding the same. lizzy's songs make me want to cry but in a good way, in the way that i can actually process my emotions instead of keeping them bottled up inside.

cigarettes after sex is the album on here that i think is best as an album, and i would never really put any of these songs on a playlist. that's because they all sound the same. :D but i find the original cas particularly memorable because of the association i have with my ex best friend, as well as my sleepy times before i even MET her. basically we bonded over this album and it's special to me.

parachutes by coldplay is a very popular, well known album and while i do have emotional attachments to it, i don't as much as the others. this album is pure depression and sadness, while i feel as if most of my other music focuses on processing the sadness and moving forward. regardless, it is high on this list because of how each song is similar but all amazing in their own right.

speak now! i would've put the original speak now on this, but yk, taylor's version. it's only been out for a week so i haven't gotten to bond with it that much but me and the old speak now go wayyyy back. major comfort album, would be above folklore in a perfect would but alas the rerecordings didn't achieve quite the effect i had imagined.. looking at the vault tracks when i say this.

harry's house by harry styles, another very coherent album that is another one of those things that i would not put in my playlist but is amazing on aux. perfect aux album imo

punisher... emotional trauma... <333

good riddance, great but i dont know what's going on with those vault tracks. songs themselves are great but as an album i don't feel like it's super put together. i am only being negative because with how much hype i have around gracie and this album it really should be in the top section, but i don't think it feels right there.

rep, overplayed but amazing. no emotional connection tho like with speak now and such. obv getaway car but that cant hold the entire album on its back. also note that my friend influenced this

adventure island, gotta give a shoutout to purrple cat and this is the best of their albums

rapunzel i don't really listen to but it fits my vibe and i could hypothetically listen to it.

positions, super coherent album but a bit overplayed. absolute girlboss feelings though, and i think it is the best ariana album (even though everyone thinks dangerous woman is better...)

_________

okay, so i don't really have much to say abt the rest of the albums but they're great!!

[itsamatterofmind]

Throughout the healing journey...

I found it surprising that majority of the people in the healing groups that I have been involved in are women.  I am not sure if its because women are the ones who are targeted the most bc men perceive us as “weak” (which we all know is untrue) or if its because men arent “allowed” to experience emotion because of fear of what society might think.  That men think that they have to repress whatever is going on with them on an emotional level because it isnt masculine for them to express emotional pain/hurt.  I am not sure, but that is not what this post is about. 

I found myself in a relationship with a guy I really liked, and actually saw a future with because he brought out happiness and strength and provided a feeling of safety I haven’t felt in a long time.  I felt really great about our connection but my fears were mounting up from the past trauma and the bandaids I put over the wounds were coming off.  I was realizing how unhealed I was, it was a tough pill to swallow mainly because I couldnt seem to swallow it.  All of a sudden I was suffocating and my hurt inner child was sooooo loud I was communicating all the confusion to him.  Which was unfair to him because why would I place such a burden on someone else that has nothing to do with my pain?  So in my insecurity and suffocation I kept pushing him away, but then wanting him back because I knew what I was suffering from wasnt to do with him, so I placed him on an emotional rollercoaster bc I wanted to grow in this relationship that I strongly desired.   The guilt of this was eating me alive so finally I pushed him away.  When I felt ready again we hung out and it was like our connection was still beautiful, strong, and correct.  Well, I lost my place to live and that was the final straw I felt everything I healed from came back from the ashes and rose in a greater way and I realized that maybe I was just hiding the pain now and no real work was accomplished.  I started to think.. maybe I will never heal?  So I entered into MORE healing, and this time specifically trauma groups on how to navigate through this murkiness and help shed a light on my heart that would lead me to hope.   It wasnt coming, at least it wasnt coming fast enough...  As of then I have been trapped for a little over 6 years and I was extremely frustrated that I was still here.   I wanted the pain and sadness to be done, it was out of my life but still resounding fear was echoing through my existence it was like a heartbeat that was shattering through my being and the shame I felt made me feel less than the strength I know I have.  I know I am strong!  I went from being a victim of abuse to being a survivor, but that is not enough for me.  After contemplating what that means for me,  I dont want to be a survivor because that insinuates that I am still in survival mode and that I am still attacking the world around me.  Thats unfair.  felt as though I should be caged until I am solid in my healing and I could enter the world again in a light, playful, and loving way.  The dangers of isolation are greater than the risk of intimacy but this time my isolation was different I was isolating not only for me but for the people I love because they deserve the best version of me.  I know what I am capable of, and throughout the healing I am becoming more aware of what I have to offer but all that I have to offer I was not offering for myself. 

So I continued listening to stories of the survivors in my trauma groups and there was one thing that kept repeating that astounded me and that is... they all have boyfriends or got remarried.  It is something I question all the time because I cant imagine how they did it.  I am over here suffering from pain of memories I thought I overcame and these women were at a similar level to me or worse in their healing journey.... how did they find love again?  Were they trauma bonding? Are their husbands happy?  How could someone bring an unaffiliated partner into the chaos and confusion of the trauma they have yet to heal? I couldnt understand it, and I still dont and maybe thats not for me to understand because I am not one to bring someone into a situation that shouldve been healed before they arrived in my life.  No matter how much feeling, emotion, thoughts of a beautiful future together, the pure joy I felt when I was with him... I could not justify bringing him into this.  I displaced my trauma with activities for many years, and my ego was covering up how much pain I was in.  I was happy building my business, and making connections with people, and soon I found out this was okay as long as they didnt get close enough.  So I am realizing that anyone that got close enough I set fire to the connection and let it burn.  I dont want to be that person anymore.  I want to help people on a grand scale, and I believe that is what God is calling me to do.   Needless to say, the last time I pushed him away he walked away and I feel it is permanent.  He has shown zero interest, care, or concern about me and maybe I deserve that?  It is a learning experience that woke me up because I never wanted him to walk away... we never got a chance to build a relationship together, my trauma created nothing but false starts bc my fear was a heavy burden to bare. 

Soon... I will tell you, soon, about a couple of books that have been in my life for many years that completely turned my world around and gave me hope of healing in a final way.  One of the books had been appearing in my life for 3 years randomly but I always turned away from it because I didnt understand it.  It is reframing my whole mind in a way that I am viewing the world, myself, and my past trauma in a new light.  And I will also tell you about a significant healing experience that really set the stage that I am so close to cycling this out.  I am talking about these experiences because 1.) journaling is helpful and 2.) I hope that whomever reads this testimony can be  helped or shed light on things that are shimmering under the surface that need to be brought to light so you can sort through them. Our experiences may be different but the end result is the same...  We want to heal!

[bondsmagii]

I was diagnosed with ASPD, Antisocial Personality Disorder when i was 18, before that it was blatantly obvious but.. nobody really bothered to look into it until an incident that involved getting hit with a car and an arson charge.

There is supposed to be a line between "socio"paths and "psycho"paths but both of them are ASPD and follow the similar pattern.

when I was a little bit younger (probably 6 or 7) I had emotions, and could feel things. I felt happiness, love, fear, shit like that. eventually all of those feelings kind of just. edged in a way before vanishing. The first to go was my feeling of empathy. It was hard to think for others. a part of that was probably sped up, because I do have rather blatant memories from being 15 or so of people attempting to emotionally manipulate me, only to be shocked when I didn't care. looking back when I was younger, I don't feel what I used to either.

threats ranged from "Ill be sad" to "i have a family so I'm priority" to "ill kill myself if you don't do this for me" and over time I just. didn't care. so what if you have a family? so what if you're suicidal? the fuck?

I knew though. I knew I was turning away from this. and as I grew it became harder to find out how to process something morally. I ended up making a "red yellow green light" chart. Red light is morally wrong, yellow light is okay in certain situations, green lights are okay to do in all situations. I followed them based off of what other people thought.

you've got your basics "crimes is red light, wasting time is yellow light, returning a lost item is green light" and I just followed those rules. Though sometimes I broke them.

that's kind of how I survived. I ended up finding out that the light rules changed with each group of people you were with, and I molded accordingly. I wasn't seeking validation, I just remembered telling myself that my priority was survival, and if I wanted to survive I had to be functional. so I followed the stereotypes of a functional person. Have friends, complete education, have a job, have a hobby. occasionally, I broke my own rules. it was like I had to. it had to be done.

eventually though. someone had pointed out that I had ASPD. stupidly ironic, it was in a Cluster B group of people.

It was a little interesting watching how they reacted. "oh no. the person in a cluster b group is cluster b"

and it was annoying. interesting, but annoying.

"I follow a set of rules and personal regulations to know what's right" "oh no you're a people pleaser"

"I cant empathize" "oh so you're autistic"

"I'm impulsive" "so you're BPD"

I know exactly what I am, and the attempts to pin me as something they can wrap their head around for comfort is stupid. the attempts to comprehend something just because THEY don't want it to be what it is, the blatant denial. its so fucking stupid.

regardless. I lost those people so the concept of a social life for survival was out the window. I had actually made a reddit post about it once. its there. somewhere out there.

I've been thinking to myself "why am I in this random strangers ask box talking about this."

well. its interesting. I don't have any emotions about this experience, and truth be told I wouldn't mind if I end up just talking to the void. but its something to do.

after I lost the social group. I kind of just highlighted to myself that humans are stupid.

I googled my condition once.

"Antisocial personality disorder is a particularly challenging type of personality disorder characterized by impulsive, irresponsible and often criminal behavior. Someone with antisocial personality disorder will typically be manipulative, deceitful and reckless, and will not care for other people's feelings." 

impulsive, yeah. irresponsible? sure. criminal behavior? definitely.

manipulative, deceitful, reckless?

here's the interesting part.

I am, but no more than any other human. as if millions of people walk the streets, acting like they care about Janice's ugly newborn baby, as if there isn't humans out there who drive over the speed limit, knowing they'd get pulled over if they were caught. as if every single human doesn't put on a mask and act like they like that cashier at the counter, as if the cashier has to act like they like you back.

as if humans don't lie daily or produce impulses.

but the second the diagnosis ASPD is introduced, the second someone says "socio" or "psycho". all those collective humans piss themselves.

I know I bring up the emotions of others but I really don't care about them. I say what I say because I'm interested. I'm interested in how people contradict themselves so easily, how they talk about mental illness and the importance of understanding, and then run when they find something they don't understand.

empathy is a piss pot. a toilet that people shove their asses into and dump their thoughts into to try to rationalize their behavior. "I do it because its the right thing" "I do it because its the moral thing"

and now we are back to the lights. you do it because its green lighted. you don't do it because its red lighted. and truth is. I've broken my lights, and I'll do it again.

a woman drove up to me, and she tried to drag me into her car. I resisted, and she cut open my arm, it was a shallow gash, going down half my forearm. I bit her and got away. and so she hit me with her car. I have a polaroid of the gash.

a man came onto me while I was asleep. and I set him on fire, as the only thing closest to me was the means.

I got arrested, sure. I got charged. and I paid my price.

and I didn't feel a damn thing.

"you're supposed to feel fear in these situations" I didn't.

"you're supposed to get scared, get happy" I don't

"you're supposed to love people" I don't.

and I think apart from the gnawing annoying mold and schedules. appointments and bullshit like that. I think I'm doing fine. pretending to be just like everyone else.

and nobody will know.

honestly, I think this is a fascinating insight into how a lot more people than you would expect think, and also a look at how shoddy the entire glorification of empathy is. I do not have ASPD, but I have long since thought many of the same things as you, and I've always despised the constant tiptoeing around etiquette and the assumption that empathy is inherent and the property of Good People rather than something that fluctuates wildly and does not have as much of an impact on our day-to-day lives as most people think. a lot of the factors that govern our behaviour are not matters of empathy but rather matters of manners or consequence. you don't do something because you'll get into trouble and you don't want to deal with that trouble. you don't say something because you know it's unkind and you don't want to hurt a person's feelings, either because you're not morally comfortable with that or because you don't want to deal with the consequences of upsetting them. you do do something because the consequences of not doing it will be inconvenient. very rarely does empathy show its face, and while most people will experience doing something out of empathy, it's a lot rarer than sympathy -- something that a lot of people mix up. feeling sorry for a person or their plight and wanting to do something to help is sympathy. actually feeling what the person feels, likely because you've been through it yourself, is empathy. and you can function just fine without it.

the thing with ASPD (and other Cluster B disorders) is that they are uncomfortable for most people to fathom. they're characterised as the "nasty," "dangerous" disorders, but in reality they're just like any other personality disorder or mental illness. some people who suffer from them cause harm. many, many more people who suffer from them do not. the idea that somebody with a Cluster B disorder is going to be inherently dangerous and abusive (an attitude I see a lot of in supposedly progressive circles) is born from the fact that people are made uncomfortable by a lot of the listed symptoms, especially those involving a lack of empathy. somehow, empathy has become the be-all and end-all of the human condition, and the absolute best thing you can do to show how nice and good you are is to collapse onto your fainting couch at the slightest hint of suffering. how this self-centred attitude became the pinacle of morality I have no idea, but here we are. it is absolutely ridiculous, and nothing highlights its flaws more than how people with conditions like ASPD are treated. I was once accused of having ASPD, as in it was used as an insulting accusation, because I gave practical advice to somebody suffering with depression. this depression was so bad that it was making their behaviour towards me abusive, and when I sat them down and explained this, and pointed out practical things we could do that would help both of us, I was told by this person and their friends that I "lacked empathy." within a few weeks, they had diagnosed me with ASPD in their little group chat, and started treating me like shit for being an "evil psychopath" -- because it was very clear that they associated empathy with humanity, and if I didn't have adequate empathy, I was not sufficiently human, and therefore it was alright to mistreat, harass, and abuse me. all of this from the very same people who preached acceptance for the mentally ill -- until the symptoms got too "scary," I guess. you see it a lot in the treatment of criminals, as well: they commit an atrocious crime, therefore they lack adequate empathy and cannot possibly be human, so it's OK to torture or execute them. how many times do you see people talking about these criminals as "animals" or "monsters?" the dehumanisation always comes from the justifcation that they lack empathy.

another thing you pointed out that a lot of people are too scared to admit: it's impossible to give a shit about everyone, all the time. while this is another spectrum -- you say you don't care about anyone, whereas I do care about some -- many of us can and do prioritise ourselves and our friends over strangers. this does not mean that we're incapable of understanding, at root, that all people are people and they all deserve the same rights and freedoms as everyone else, but it does mean that we will prioritise ourselves and those close to us, sometimes at the expense of others. this is fine and normal. it's a shame, but it's a reality of life that you cannot please everyone. the attitude online these days, where you have to cater to everyone and consider everyone all the time, is absolutely ridiculous. I do not care about strangers. I believe they have a responsibility to look after themselves. while I won't go out of my way to deliberately hurt anyone, I will not censor or construct my own life and my own lived experiences to comfort or protect anyone, either. there are people out there who would judge my entire character on this, assuming I'm a bad person for it, but in reality this is completely normal. the levels of consideration that some people demand are absolutely fucking impossible, and we all have a responsibility to carry our own weight. I don't see any shame in admitting this, but for a lot of people, it seems to be a crime just to accept that you can't always consider everyone.

the entire world is full of assumptions and rules and etiquette that are there to help people navigate the world and keep things running smoothly. most of them are shallow, but they're pleasant enough. I don't mind the fact that the cashier or the waitress is being polite to me because that's part of customer service and they're being paid to do it -- but this fact does seem to unnerve some people. I like how there are set rules to follow in social situations, because it takes the pressure off and ensures everything goes smoothly. but I don't think any of these relationships are deeper than that, and I don't assume that just because I make pleasant smalltalk with someone, we're friends (or on our way to friendship). this has never bothered me, but I've seen it bother others. I've long operated under the rule that I'm there to get things done as pleasantly and efficiently as possible, and yeah, a lot of the time that does involve me acting like a completely different person. this is another normal thing; we're all different, depending on who we're with and the situation we're in. the idea of a One True Self is, I think, total bollocks, but yet this is another idea that people cling to and judge your humanity on if you fall short: the idea of authenticity. I think the world's treatment of those with ASPD, and the assumptions they make about them, highlights a lot of people's unease with this kind of thing: the fear that everyone is wearing a mask, is "lying" to them, etc, when really what's going on is that we're all strangers to most of the people we meet, and nobody is entitled to anything deeper than a pleasant and efficient conversation to get the business done. but then again, for a lot of these people, the idea that you're not friends with everyone and that the majority of people you meet will be wholly indifferent to you is a terrible one. neutrality has come to mean negativity, and that's yet another ridiculous thing.

I don't know. I just think a lot of things would be easier if people didn't act like everything had to be this Deep Meaningful Interaction. we're all just trying to get through life as easily and as smoothly as possible. this does involve some level of lying, some level of falseness, some level of pretending, and yes, some level of prioritising and selfishness. there's nothing wrong with that, and to be honest, things like your traffic light system of morality sound much more effective and trustworthy than some of the shit I've seen from self-professed Good People. your experience is a prime example of why these social rules are in place. yeah, they're silly, but they're efficient and they make things easier. I would prefer to deal with somebody like you than somebody who wants to make smalltalk deep and use me as a way to exercise their good feelings about themselves and how full of empathy they are, to be honest.

[probably-haven]

Kaeya Alberich & Why his Failure is Inevitable

A theory on Kaeya’s reaction to- that event in his backstory.

take everything with a grain of salt , because it’s heavily based on assumptions, most of which are centered around his reaction to- backstory stuff, so gonna put that under the cut-. i actually originally said this in a reblog to someone asking the exact question awhile ago

im kinda in a content drought though so i might as well bring it back, hopefully some people find it interesting in this context though. Lol a lot of it is just seeing how angsty i can make it too so- ehe

actual content under the cut: (spoilers for kaeya’s backstory, diluc’s backstory, Khaenri’ah lore, and a bit of Childe’s backstory)

so the exact verbiage used in kaeya’s story for his reaction to Master Crepus’s death is: “Even someone like Master Crepus would submit to such a dangerous and evil power…” Sinister thoughts flashed through Kaeya’s mind, and he simply smirked— “This world is truly… fascinating.”

-

Now I’m actually pretty sure this quote ties in, not to the destruction of khaenri’ah, but to the cataclysm before it. Specifically, it deals with the Khaenri’ahn alchemist Gold who started it.

Canonically, Gold was an incredibly ambitious alchemist specializing in khemia 500 years ago. Their most well know achievement is corruption of the dragon Durin, but concealed much deeper in Teyvat’s history, a number of Gold’s legacies include incorporating the powers of the abyss into their alchemy(and eventually being corrupted by those very same powers, tho it might be a translation error), followed by the destruction of Khaenri’ah’s Eclipse Dynasty(including the royal family and the royal guards tasked with protecting the people of Khaenri’ah), and this was followed shortly by ‘using their talents to create an army of “shadowy monsters."’

these monsters, blood filled with the corruption of the abyss, would only continue pouring out of Khaenri’ah in waves until the fateful day that it was destroyed. The era of suffering these monsters caused would come to be known as the cataclysm.

-

taking those facts into account, it could be a remark about how even someone as kind hearted as Master Crepus could fall to the temptation and corrupting aspects of power that caused his people’s fall so long ago, even without the naturally corruptive effects of power from the abyss. that’s sad- but if you get into the theory of it its even sadder the further you go.

Now theory wise its important to make a few connections- I am under the impression that the “fall of the Eclipse Dynasty” that Gold caused through abyssal power was actually the first instance of Khaenri’ah’s curse, and the monsters of the cataclysm- were among the curse’s first victims.

a bit sadder with the fact that his statement can now refer to his feelings of there truly being nothing that could have been done to prevent the very same exact curse that has caused him so much suffering through his life. There was no resisting the corruption of power, only delaying it. It hammers in the fact that the reason he was sent to Mondstadt truly might be the destiny he had many times been told it was. A cruel joke from Celestia perhaps?

but not sad enough. let’s pull out the big one. The Khaenri’ahn Royalty Kaeya theory. (there’s a lot- im not gonna cover the explanation behind that one here)

Gold, the most powerful alchemist in Khaenri’ah would likely have worked under the Eclipse Dynasty, so assuming the theory of Kaeya(and Dainsleif) being the last member of the Eclipse Dynasty, its reasonable to say he would have known Gold. Now whether Gold was a good person or not is irrelivant because it remains the same either way. Kaeya has twice seen the corrupting abilities that come with power strip him of all those close to him, shouldering him with an additional responsibility to carry out in their memory that he never wanted. Yes this hurts more if he was close with Gold and Crepus managed to make him feel safe enough to get close to people even after that- but I’m here to provide the facts and theories, not the emotions, though theres a lot

but…. its a stretch(like a big stretch)… but for the sake of going all out on a limb, we can take this one step further.

In Childe’s story it references the abyss by saying “this dark realm had sensed the burning ambition in this boy’s heart” and it can be assumed that the powers granted by the abyss, as the natural opposition to Celestia(natural as in abyss magic literally opposes the magic of Celestia by nature) might just opporate in a similar way to the gnosises. Kaeya has no knowledge of gnosises though so for now lets use the word visions.

The powers of the abyss that were given to Gold would likely have been favored over visions from the gods in a godless nation like khaenri’ah afterall. and if he knew Gold, a known genius, he likely wouldnt have noticed anything off until it was too late. A sudden fall from his perspective. Visions, delusions, power from the abyss, what difference truly is there to a child raised to shun the gods. All are granted through ambition, and all will only end in suffering

afterthought:

However the main thing behind the Khaenri’ahn Royalty aspect of this angst fest- Kaeya would have been extremely young during Gold’s corruption and Khaenri’ah’s fall… like i cant help think of that one tik tok audio “that must be so confusing for a little girl” but it really does fit because now i can’t shake the imagery of Kaeya, faced with the imagery of the man who raised him dead as a result of a power he chose to use. And he finally understands what he was too young to understand back then. the world is not fascinating in a way that he is interested in it or wants to know more about it, but more interesting in the way that people’s eyes are involuntarily drawn to images of tragedy. It’s an expression of cruel irony, of truths he was forced to face, of knowledge he doesn’t want to know, but that he needs to know- if he plans on carrying through with his destiny- siding against Mondstadt. but siding with Mondstadt would cause him to turn against Khaenri’ah as Gold had all those years ago, and is that not fulfilling a cycle of fate all the same?

It’s an expression of mourning. He is chained by the legacy of Khaenri’ah and there’s nothing he can do to escape it. Either way the cycle will repeat. This fate gives him a unique power and even he will eventually succumb to it, doomed to be viewed as a corrupted betrayer no matter who he sides with, to doom yet another civilization in return. Such is his preordained role as the last hope of Khaenri’ah. The unescapableness, the way it all becomes so sure and clear and nauseatingly relevant in that very moment are what drive him to say that as he finally realizes that he cannot win.

-

of course a lot of this is a stretch and just theories, but the angst potential was there so i decided to run with it lmao

additional afterthought: this isn’t something kaeya would know, but the corruption of Durin by Gold was actually predicted by a priestess in dragonspine before Celestia destroyed it and made it like it is now.

just angsty because it reinforces the idea of a repeating cycle of foretold destiny that no matter hard hard Kaeya tries, he will never be able to escape. Really puts Mona’s “He believes he has made a clean break with his past, but one day fate will catch up with him” line into perspective.

[thatweirdoleigh]

Socks (but i finish the fic)

Elijah Mikaelson x reader

Warnings; Eli’s a good husband, and the reader cries oh yeah and reader’s pregnant

a/n ; Here is the full thing!! Cause its cute and for once i actually like the thing that i made. 

Imma tag the people i think will enjoy this.

My moms  @elijahs-wife​ @hellotvshowtrash

The Murder aunts; @mikaelson-emma​ @dumble-daddy​

Other Family Members that i don’t really talk to but love and appreciate anyway!;  @xxwritemeastoryxx​  @ronniemikaelson​ @lady-salvatore @thatfanficstuff @zodiyack @auroracalisto​ @dizzydancingdreamer​ @imaginearyparties​ @alwaysfangirlingish​ 

The giggles of his sisters echoed through the halls and into the entry way as Elijah opened the front door and stepped into his family home. Hope’s laughter and the laughter of his brothers and their wives joining shortly after. Rebekah was telling stories again, of all the mishaps, mistakes and schemes from over the centuries. It made him smile. Today was a good day.

After everything that had happened over the centuries, particularly the past several decades, it seemed like a dream come true to finally feel like a family again. To feel the same humble happiness that they felt when they were all still human. Like touching the stars with their bare hands. So he savored the memories and the joy and the rest that it brought to himself and those he cared so dearly for.

Walking into the parlor he was greeted by the warm welcomes of his family.

“Brother!” Klaus, all but beamed, “Welcome home!” A chorus of welcome home and welcome back echoed behind him.

Elijah grinned, wholeheartedly approving of the laid back posture of his younger brother, his arm slung over the back of the couch behind the witch that Klaus had fallen in love with. It was a stark contrast to the rage and paranoia that plagued him for so many years. “Its good to be home!”

“How was your meeting with the contractor brother?” Finn queried, far more subdued than the others. Even though they had all forgiven him, and profusely apologized for 1000 years of pain, Finn still didn’t feel like he quite belonged with the rest of his family. A fact Elijah had been eager to fix once the realization had set in of exactly how shitty their treatment of him was. Courtesy of Camille, of course. However 900 years in a coffin is not forgotten overnight, so it was still a work in progress. So it further proved to warm Elijah’s heart when his eyes laid upon Finn and found him squished between Freya and Kol’s firecracker of a fiancé, instead of locked in his room.

Elijah smiled at Finn and placed his suit jacket over the back of an unoccupied chair, “It was good. We got all of the final details and planning done and now its we are just waiting for the town to give us a building permit”

“that’s good” Finn replied with a nod.

For context, Y/n was pregnant with Elijah’s child, a miracle given in the form of a spell cast as a wedding gift and created by Kol and Klaus’ wife. Y/n had all but declared that she wanted their children to have as normal lives as physically possible and while the Mikaelsons were hesitant to go along with this plan, it was agreed that perhaps living in a mansion with 4 witches, 6 vampires, and 3 hybrids was not a normal childhood. So it was agreed that they would own a separate family home to raise their children in while still visiting as often as physically possible.

As Elijah looked around and took in the the scene around him he noticed that y/n was not among his siblings and so begged the question as to where was his darling wife?

“If I may ask, where is y/n?”

It was Kol’s fiancé that pipped up. “She came rushing in with a bag, declared that she was going to enjoy her new socks and then she was taking a nap, You know how my twin is Elijah, she gets excited over the simplest things, and then she ran upstairs without another word. Imagine she is asleep by now. Probably has been for a while. ”

Elijah smiled and Keelin looked at her curiously, ”Socks?”

Elijah cleared her confusion “Yes Keelin. Socks. Its seems that my darling wife has developed an affinity for collecting and wearing the most colorful knee-high socks she can find”

“It is rather amusing to watch auntie y/ns excitement.” Hope testified from where she had tucked herself under her father’s other arm. “She rambled on about a pair she had found with neon green strips, all while eating a plate of bacon in the kitchen the other day”

Everyone laughed at the image, and Elijah just shook his head with mirth in his eyes, ”yes well, if you don’t mind I am going to join my wife and unborn child in bed. Goodnight to you all” and a chorus of goodnights followed him down the hall.

As Elijah climbed the stairs he couldn’t help but be reminded of how grateful of all of the things that life has granted him over the years. He had a beautiful wife that loved him and siblings that adored him and soon he would have children of his own.

As Elijah approached the door to his bedroom he couldn’t help but notice something was wrong. Stopping to listen he could hear sniffling and shaky breathes just beyond the door way.

“y/n?” he took the handle and pushed the door open.

There sitting in an armchair in the corner of their room was y/n. She was wearing one of Elijah’s Cambridge sweatshirts and a pair of his boxers. The sweatshirt was cream in color and it matched cream colored socks she held in her hand. While Elijah would normally fawn over how adorable she looked round with his child and dressed in his clothes he was more focused on the tears stains that and puffy red eyes that decorated the face of the love of his life.

Elijah was quick to kneel in front of her and cup her face in his hand “Y/n? Baby what’s wrong? Are you alright?” He placed his other hand on her belly and searched for some kind of injury to suggest that she was hurt.  

She looked at him with a watery smile, kissed his hand and said “I found a pair of socks that would match my favorite one of your sweatshirts and I got so excited to wear them.”

She held up the socks and gestured to her feet. “But I cant reach, so I cant put them on. And it made me so sad that I cried.”

Elijah’s face relaxed and he gave a sigh of relief, realizing it was something simple that he could easily fix. So he gently took the socks from her hands and unfolded them so he could put them on her. He rolled them up and then pulled them all the way up her legs to just below her knees and then gave a kiss to her nose. “there “ he whispered. “all better.”

“thank you ‘lijah.” She mumbled and then yawned.

“Oh. I think its bedtime.” He stated playfully.

“Im pregnant not two.” She grumbled with another yawn.

Elijah looked at her with nothing but adoration and said “baby you just cried over a pair of socks.” In response she pouted and Elijah couldn’t help but smile. 

“Alrighty. Bedtime!” He said scooping her up bridal-style. 

“you can’t be serious!” y/n scoffed. 

“Dead serious!” 

“Eli!” she whined, “don’t make puns when im annoyed at you! Then I can’t enjoy them!” 

Elijah only laughed, and then slowly spun her around in a circle. “wheeeeeee!” he said before gently tossing her on the bed. 

y/n looked up at her husband in exasperation as she watched him use vampire speed to strip to his underwear and climb onto the bed like a leopard on the prowl.  

“I love you.” he purred pressing a kiss to her swollen belly, eyes playfully looking up at her. 

She raised an eyebrow, “Me? Or your children?”. 

“Both” he replied, gently coercing her backwards onto the bed as he crawled farther up her body his hands rubbing circles into the sides of her stomach. y/n rolled her eyes and chuckled her amusement as he enveloped her in another kiss. 

Sighing happily y/n ran her hands through Elijah’s hair, as he eagerly deepened the kiss. However Elijah had to stop this blissful moment rather short. 

He furrowed his brow and pulled back slightly so he could see his wife’s eyes, “Children?” he questioned. “plural?” 

Now it was y/n’s turn to grin playfully. 

“I went to the doctors today.” She said eyes twinkling with mischief. “And i learned something rather interesting.”  

Elijah narrowed his eyes, recognizing that she was toying with him. “did you now?” 

“I did” she purred rubbing her hands down his neck and shoulders. “Apparently twins are not always magical miracle coincidences. More often than not they are genetic.” and as her smile grew bigger so did Elijah’s. “And considering that I am half of a set, I’d say the trait has passed on.” 

Elijah’s grinn was getting bigger by the second. “you mean to tell me. That not only am I getting one daughter.” he leaned in closer until their noses were touching. “I’m getting two?” 

“yes” she whispered seductively and elijah expressed his joy by kissing her again. 

“And do you wanna know what else I learned?” y/n said slyly as he trailed his kisses down her throat. He grunted quietly for her to continue and y/n leaned up and murmured in his ear, “Both of your ‘daughters’ are sons” 

Elijah groaned and pulled back up to her face, “damn. I was really hoping was really hoping for a mini you.” he admitted swallowing y/ns laughter in another kiss. 

Y/n pulled him to lay beside her as they both got under the duvet and settled comfortably for bed. y/n lay on her side facing Elijah and he buried his face in her hair his hands finding their way to her rounded abdomen, joyful and excited to meet his children in the nearby future. 

“Eli?” she said softly. “will you sing to me?” she asked looking up at him. 

“Of course, My love” and so Elijah sang the same nordic lullaby his mother taught him all those years ago and they both drifted off to sleep.