#but yeah its horrible rn
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I am! Not great again! Why I'd did that. Stuff /VeryNegative under the cut
Just. Jesus fucking christ when will these flashbacks stop. I SAW myself die again. And then i also, MORESO have to watch Alder find me again and again. He fucking. Kept yelling my name. He kept calling for me, desperate. He was so hurt. I was already cold. He couldn't do anything, it wasnt his fault. But he tried so hard. And then he sat there for so long.
How could i have not known. Twice. There was an attempt in my timeline but thank fucking GOD i failed. Can you fucking imagine I'd succeeded? Was it better he was alone? What would it have been like if Dan and Cadance were there and i succeeded? Because they helped him when i failed. But something broke in the other timeline within him. I can see it in the way he put his hand on my shoulder. That was something he did in our lifetime, he'd just gently stroke my shoulder. It grounded me, it was affectionate, it felt really nice. I can sense the thoughts in his head. "He can't feel this now"
I've been gone for hours. I probably was before he ever could have made it home. I was alone in my room like that for sO long and i died afraid. Thats all i can think about was how afraid i was. I didn't think anyone cared about me, i know i was more isolated from Dan in this universe. I know i was more cruel to myself. And knowing these are facts of how these things work is one thing. Actually seeing where that switch over was, thats another. The way that allowing love into your life saves you in impossible to know ways. You have to allow people to love you.
You will die without it.
And knowing i didn't have a chance to be saved in this one. Knowing there was a real possibility of it going bad, it wasn't just a silly cry for attention written by a sad artist. It was the possibility of my mental health taking over and ruining my father's(chosen) life. It was the fact that i do have an impact on my future and i have to decide to have one. Theres nothing i can do to help either damned soul now, there's something so uniquely heart shattering about having to live with grief like this. It is not mine, it is of mine. It is of me. It is a holy sensation that i regard with vile distaste. The feeling is important, more important than a lot of things.
Growing up this life i never thought i would live past 10. Then a lot of other numbers. How original. How horrible. It actually is horrible. Desensitization makes. These numbers these thoughts, its hard to recognize im sad about it since its so normalized. But being 7 and suicidal isn't. And i cant believe i carried that and my past life all this time like this. And now that im so aware, ill carry it differently. I can't believe i lived so long. I cant believe im gonna KEEP living so long. I havent felt genuinely suicidal in ages. I can be real, and say the idealization is there, but it's more about the fantasy of getting help for it. But recieving memories like this reminds me of how bad that hurt. For decades. And how bad it hurt alternate or past selves, and those loved ones there. I'm so sorry Alder, i desperately wish there was anything i could do. To take it back, to help heal, to love you better than i did. Your cabin stayed empty, my room stayed where it was, and you stayed alone. Dan stayed over, but not much. You never got to know Cadance. You met briefly and never became friends.
I did all of that. Everything was actually because of me. I can't take that right now. I was resting and these memories wont stop. It's incredible though. How bright the sun is from up here. How even though pain burns more intensely than it usually does from this height, so does the love. How much the love permeated in every crack and crevice last life. How i let the light in and hope filled us all up. Even during loss and pain and torture, even losing each other. It was okay. Because at least it happened.
#teehee aaaaaaaaa#trauma#rambling#long post#vent#do not reblog#obviously#mentally ill#past life#pseudomemories#pseudotrauma#inthrum bickerman#suicide#trigger warning#tw#forreal this ones bad lol#i mean. like most of it. im talking about a memory where i killed myself. so if you need to know.#but at the end i get beautiful and poetic! and hopeful and soft its great#but yeah its horrible rn
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I'm pretty much done with TOH lol.
A braver and more energetic soul can try giving this show a constructive critique... because I will actually, wholeheartedly lose my humanity while writing out the script.
There is like... a problem this show has that permeates the whole thing: It says its going to do one thing, but then does something completely different. Like how the first two episodes of the series make you believe Luz is going to learn how her inability to separate fantasy from reality is actually inhibiting her growth as a person... only to make her a chosen one and to give her everything she ever wanted without Luz changing the way she treats people.
#TOH critical#Reaching Out is my most hated ep along with the series finale bc of how guiltrippy Luz is in RO#Oh yeah Amity i know you have a very valid reason for hating me rn bc its my fault your abusive dad found out you skipped tryouts...#...but you cant be mad at me bc my dad died on your special day. Also I am jealous of you for having an Alive Dad#even tho i know your father is a horrible person and treats you like dogshit lol.#i can never forgive them for lobotomizing Amity's character#like Luz can lie to her face repeatedly and she'll be like... this is fine im sure it wont happen again...#still crazy to me how Amity gets the female love interest treatment you see with m/f ships... how could you do this to her#i want to see the Amity who actually had a spine and was willing to kill to achieve her goals#but no she gets reduced to ''bad but sad girl''... and i start fighting and killing
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I should've been sleeping before my flight but instead I drew Seb as Antinous :D
Reference + Commentary:
SEB IS MY MODERN DAY ANTINOUS, OKAY!? I WOULD DEIFY HIM IF I COULD!!!
But seriously I spent like an hour obsessing over statues of Antinous just thinking; "holy fuck, he reminds me so much of Seb???"
Big, pretty eyes? Check. Magnificent curls? Check. Beautiful side profile? Check. Etc etc.
I read this description of a statue and was instantly struck with "this is so Seb.":
"The body and face of this sculpture are in idealized youth, with plump cheeks and round face, and his hair is usually unkempt. Antinous's hair has also been described as artificial looking, even wig-like, because of how similar the placement of his hair is across statues. His youthful appearance, large eyes, pouting lips, and layered locks of hair over his forehead are some of the iconography that can be used to identify him"(x)
Also which AU of mine is this hmmm. It can be either the Renaissance Muse AU(x) or the random Roman Caesar Fernando AU(x) I drew it with the latter in mind(bcs its basis is literally just Hadrian and Antinous), but it's fun to imagine the Martian version as well!! Maybe an AU of an AU, where Mark is Pygmalion, and Seb is Galatea 🤭🤭
#I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MY BRAIN#cant draw all week when i have limitless free time#and then when i should really be sleeping: boom suddenly can draw something again#i am so tired rn its horrible. my flight got delayed so ill try and get a bit of sleep but yeah....#HAPPY WITH THIS THOUGH#tried to color it regularly and i didnt like it so then i made it more marbley ykow#but now i cant stop thinking of seb as antinous#THERES SO MANY GOOD STATUES AND BUSTS AND THEYRE BOTH SO PRETTY AAAAHHHH#this is just the boy king statue all over again okay.....(nothing can be as good as that tho hahaha)#well yes anyways antinous = seb. thats my new historical thesis#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.#sv5#renaissance muse au
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anyone got a cheap, fun alternative to peeling all the skin off your face and screaming at a frequency inaudible to human beings
#im trying substance abuse but its not rlly working like it usually does#yeah im doing like. more not ok than usual. like a lot a lot.#i would channel this into making horrible hagbeast noises but my entire body hurts and feels like its shutting down rn
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making a collection
making another collection with a threatening aura
#davy back fightbpart 3 letsgo#HOW do the three big guns get wasted on the eating contest... horrible plan.... luffy is fine bc well... but not sanji and zoro like damn.#luffy DOESNT WANNA EAT??? CALL THE NAVY!!!!#what was i saying.... bad idea putting the three beasts there#FRANKY FRANKY FRANKY!!!! they captured the two princesses :(#one sided beef squashed between luffy and foxy. friendship ended with random ex marine guy. now luffy is my best friend#usopp and franky bonding time hell yeah. throw usopp by the head once more pelase#nami with zoros swords just like holding them looks so cool like she should get a few swords too... nami three sword style oda drawing pls#i think this man underestimates nami and luffys power together he doesnt know about shiki#luffy saying he knows its a trap and sorry for being late.... lets go on an adventure all nine of us.... usopp yes anding his lie..... omg#cant believe nami isnt there yet. she could take this guy. oh there she is!!!!! she does look cool with the swords and jumping to get luffy#zoro screaming in agony from luffy getting shot omg THIS FUCKING GUY OF COURSE!!! this looks like its so over#zoro and sanji must feel so useless rn. they didnt even get the chance to fight like damn#komei-kakka??? more like come caca. boom#luffy face down dead on the floor akdjkaa chopper have you tried looking at the wound to see if it harmed him idk#it hit the face akdjskn usopp that was coom also#was robin flirting with the other guy and zoro caught her and she told hum to shut up???#'your friends got the best of me but you are still in my arms an-' 'HEAT EGG!! ALSO YOU'RE ON FIRE!'#flare maneauver that was so slay also luffy and nami in the same frame so twins of them. my children. birthed them one right after the othe#zoro and sanji fighting back to back. back to back to back to you i dont wanna fall right back to us maybe you should run right back to her#that is such a bop song. also post wano zosan. and post wci. see the recurrent theme#fighting in water.... being on top of the sword that was a slay... red hawk ace i will never forget you it seems#foxy liking his jolly roger omg nami fooled him ahdhsjs i think they should have pirate game event every year they yearn for contests#now since this experience foxy should make monthly multitudinary pirate games olympics hoping the strawhats join them a la gatsby#the faces at the mushroom akdhaksjs#talking tag#watching one piece#watching one piece movies#kinda loved how robin betted on franky against usopp.... i will take the crumbs
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every time I come back home I experience new mental illnesses -_-
#its not even bad rn it's been nice#there's just so much horrible stuff underneath it all though and i think i just can't handle it#i think im just grieving my entire life every time I come here#and I've been just having these thoughts i guess intrusive thoughts about everyone dying tragically for the laste few days and it's#NOT FUCKING HELPING#idk it's nice we're all nice and both is happening but there's always some new info dropped on me that they just.#expect me to process by myself and i just end up crying at night all the time cause like what am i supposed to do#yeah sorry for venting again i was getting a bit better at not doing tht but i neeed it rn ToT#k i think i just need to go to sleep and maybe ill forget everything tomorrow or something idk#vent#vent post
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so.... just thinking..... since rosy pt 3 became way longer than i intended, what if i broke it into 2 parts.? i would post the first part very soon since its 99% done and then the last (and final for REAL) part whenever i finish it (eta a couple weeks..?)
idk. just an idea, i thought about this like a month ago as well but i was like nah its better all together but as it just keeps getting longer maybe its not a bad idea (plus i feel bad for the extended wait ahh lol). thoughts?
full disclaimer even if 2 parts wins i might still decide to do one part lol i need to think about it more but im just curious what yall think! ty all sm for ur continued patience 🩷
#for reference#pt 1 and 2 are both ~4k words#pt 3 is 12k rn LOL and still going#im guessing it'll be like ~14-15k when its done?#so thats pretty long in comparison. but if i were to split it it would be like half of that#or wait#i think if i were to split it the first part would be ~7k words#im still trying to decide where i would split it but yeah#!!!#anyway yeah pls lmk what you'd prefer. im horribly indecisive#.txt
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the tristamp pen came in!!! tysm @revenantghost for organizing this!! also review bc im a stationery freak:
i didnt know this was an 0.38mm! a pleasant surprise since i love thin pens and pencils. the writing is satisfying (the scratchy kind) and feels nice to use. the pen texture is very nice and not too distracting and also the clip is such a clever design... ive never tried uni-ball one before but this is a keeper >:)
#yeah im a pen nerd....(ant walking away image#IGNORE MY HORRIBLE JP HANDWRITINGGGG MY HAND JUST HURTS A BIT RN#im a major zebra fan but this is real nice#very lightweight and sleek design compared to zebra or pilot#the ink is a bit thin sometimes but its not a really big deal#as long as uou know how to use it#kind of inevitable bc of how thin the tip is. but im a fan#a good pen is like a horse....(<-incomprehensible)#- emil
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i miss being hikineet life was less miserable then.
#genuinely less depressing. idk i just dont think im meant to be a person#i cant fucking talk to people without having an autistic sperg out and humiliating myself#i just want to not fail ONCE just fucking once but i cant#whatever. little nurse should be arriving soon.#burando will keep me alive burando is my will to live.#i miss working retail yeah it was shitty and i had fucking meltdowns but not as often as i do in school#plus when i was the only one at the store i could read or crochet or just generally slack off and tell customers to go fuck themselves.#now prof is gonna act like its high school and get mad at me for sleeping in class once like bro cmon im eepy leave me alone#if i fail thats my problem if im wasting money thats my problem mind ur own business.#she went fucking camping over the weekend thats what she was busy with. all i did was see a play and go to the club.#i fucking. did chores and ran errands and shit. did some lame and gay computer shit.#plus im really nauseous rn so like.#im just in a horrible mood and a horrible way and i wish life could be just a little bit easier just a little bit
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my beautiful personal experience with anne rice that im always like haha ok new book ^-^ the last one kind of sucked a decent amount for most of the book but the ending was cool. cant wait to start the next one, sure hope its not anything bad!! and then shes like sneaking behind me with a comically large sledgehammer on my head that is labelled "the beginning will suck heavily". and it keeps happening to me.
#twist rambles#vc posting#1. my fucking epub reader on desktop sucks compared to my one ive been using so im having to do a really bad set up but i survive.#2. the fucking horrors christ alive. i cannot express enough how like actually horrible b&g is starting. she wants me DEAD. she hates me#wanting to reach atlantis instead of dnfing every single book in this goddamn series. in other news i need to actually watch the full#les.tat the musical performance... ive had the soundtrack on loop but am so bad at paying attention to smth for 2.5 hours...but i gotta#watch it bc itll make me remember how good tvl was. and how bad these books are rn. lol. anyways we persist and we survive and we kill#marius with many hammers to survive ok. even if you dont know who he is. kill him with me ok. anyways god sorry im sooo :/ abt the#formatting changes on pc like my laptop screen is too big after weeks of not using it?? its weird lmao. but yeah we persist and survive and#if anyone can get thru the like 720 pages i have coming up it is ME. ok <3
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if anybody could like call a nuke threat to my work or something or like use a magic orb to help me out id really appreciate it good god i cant do this much longer
#its not even that im stressed out about it or depressed or existential like usual im just so physically exhausted rn#so many callouts today#ive been doing online pickup orders for 7 hours#ive been grocery shopping non stop#for Seven Hours#like yeah i had a lunch and breaks and stuff but like#ive been grocery shopping for 7 hours#uhg#1.5 hrs left#pray for me all#my feet hurt so bad#and im getting horrible cramps
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There's this nearly 4 hour movie I've been meaning to watch for a while and I was like "ah maybe ill watch it tonight hehe 🥰" and then I remember...quali is at 9 🫠
#i actually despise abu dhabi being the seaosn closer ngl#basically since Japan the race time has suited my timezone pretty well#1 am. 1 pm. 3 pm. 4 pm. 12 pm. 1 am.#<- like look at that. look at they absolutely delicious schedule#every race for the past 2 months has been at an ideal time and ive really settled into it#wow you mean i can sleep in on weekends and actually wnjoy the schedule!? oh boy!#and then they put fucking ad at the end which is at 8 am. who wants to wake up that early on a sunday#it would be fine if it was earlier in the season bcs during the middle i got pretty used to waking up before 9 bcs all the European races#but to have this one at thw end is literally horrible#its really down to timezones but fuck it really does bother me#bcs wow youve made me have zero desire to watch the season closer! thanks!!#id sooooo much rather brazil be the season closer still#like whh do you have to completely switch timezones right at the very end. its terrible#i think ill do waht i did last season and take a bit of a nap beforehand#it makes it much worse that this on a holiday wknd too. yeah bcs i rly wanna spend the last two days of my break waking up in the morning#sry im being ultra salty rn but i really dont wanna wake up for it but i hate missing race events UGHHHHHH#last yr i literally fell asleep during the first lap of AD 😭#yeah im concerned abt if nando will retain p4 or not but...waking up before 8 am...??#yeah idk i just rly dislike this scheduling#i actually kinda like AD as a track but its position in the season makes me resent it#catie.rambling.txt
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#i need to stop doomscrolling its four in the morning im so exhausted i technically have school shit i needed to finish and i have to get up#to go to class in a few hours too#it helps nothing either. its horrible to look and its horrible to look away and they both do absolutely nothing past a point just like w th#other endless amount of absolutely horrible things going on in the world rn#theres no new information now either. just the fallout and seeing what comes next#this and no other horrible thing going on in the world is abt us and how it affects us emotionally obviously like that's just specs of dust#on the thing itself#but. yeah. i. i dont think the human mind copes well w going from locally based ape empathy to exposure to every horrible thing everywhere#....... russia has bombed more apartments and civilian buildings too :( ppl caught under the rubble and dead#just. dear god.. i just keep thinking that. i just keep saying that to myself. dear god#dear god oh lord of duamne ya allah yarabbi whatever variation its most of what goes through my mind on loop#while my mind runs through so much of it. palestina and all the videos of dead and murdered and the children the videos from last week of#that tourist girl in israel the war in ukraina whats happening in kosovo armenia the uyghurs and china all the conflict in india and#pakistan the state of afghanistan yamen civilians being tortured by gangs in south america torture in general and the prisons around the#world and the slavery and the torture and the killing and the starvation and the pain and the million other things going on i don't even#know about and the fucking climate jesus christ the climate change???#and my mind just doesnt stop. it goes through so much shit it maps out this horrible web of pain and pain and pain throughout the entire#world ;;_;;#i uh. i desperately need to take more time in my life and for years on end ive needed to tske more time in my life to think#of the good things happening in ths world too. small things big things anything just anything good anything getting better anything thats#working any proof of humanity in this species#i just. .#.#i go through the full range of human emotion from rage to numbness and dissociation to bitterness to shock to nothing shocks me to endless#sorrow to disgust and i end up at the end#feeling like the same kid who wants to cry and ask why can't we just be nicer to each other please. as if its that simple. j wish it was.#god. i wish
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FUSIONSWAP!TAILS
[FusionSwap is my sonic au. If you want to know more I have an au called "FusionSwap au" and also I post about it on my main blog.]
Style & coloring is inspired by @kuroiyuki96-new
[Hi Kuroiyuki! your really cool! don't mind me teehee]
P.S: This took 2 days to make.
#funfact thats a little disturbing: While making this I had a LOT of trouble with drawing the claws (specifically the claws-#-as I kept thinking of it as 'fingernails' and 'hands' instead of paws and claws- which made drawing the hands really difficult.#So after an hour of just struggling- my fingernail (uh disturb warning rn) BROKE OFF. just straight up ripped off my thumb (a portion of it#-not the entire thing that would be horrible) and then SUDDENLY OUT OF FREAKING NOWHERE I could draw the claws.?? and it was SO good that#I had to figure out how to make THE REST of the drawing look as cool and good as the hand.#wizard magic like what#I have a speedpaint video in the making and WILLNOT be cutting out any of the struggle. Its important to show others the struggle of artist#anyways yeah story time overrrr#sonic au#miles tails prower#tails the fox#yeah im taking out the tags I want ya'll to see my boyo#gave him a makeover#he looks prettier now
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moments like this when im really glad im a sad little cynic who always considers the worst possible outcome and never lets herself truly get comfortable and trust the good things in her life to stay there and builds her life around trying to soften the blows of the eventual disappointments just waiting around the corner lol never leaving my edgy teenager era peace and love
#i mean if the alternative is whatever the fuck is going on with my best friend rn then hooooo boy#cancelling therapy immediately i never want to change i wanna keep my trust issues forever and ever if its gonna save me from THIS#is he a dick? kinda. yeah. and a coward because if dude was sure he didnt want it since AUGUST and didnt have the guts to end it till now#actually he didnt end it. she was the one who finally snapped. but we seriously fought twice before because she just woudlnt listen#when i said that girl this isnt gonna work and you trust him too much and you're attachment styles are incompatible as hell#your*#but nvm. the least you could do when a 7 years younger girl who's clearly obsessed with you is breaking up with you#cause she just cant take it anymore. and you can see she's still in love with you because you've been lying to her for half a year.#imo the least you could do at that point is just. dont tell her that jfc. just say you're sorry it didnt work out etc etc#dont fucking tell her you stopped being in love with her in fucking august#and just 'didnt know how to end it' and lied when she asked if everything's alright#like my god. yes ig this would never have happened if she hadn't trusted him so completely and expected love to fix her whole life#but jesus dude. she's not even 23 she has a right to be naive. you're almost 30. you DONT get to be a man child anymore#christ. okay.#anyway i wish i could help her but telling her to 'trust less' and 'never truly rely on other people' sounds horrible and cringe and edgy af#but i genuinely dont have any other advice#like babygirl im sorry but your bestie is a piece of human garbage and she's doing the best she can but her best is Not Much alas
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..
#i know that when joining a community you have to learning to put up with people who dont suit you. who you dont vibe with#but i feel like theres a distinct difference in not vibing with and putting up with bullies and those who wield their#insecurities and traumas like weapons against everyone around them. policing everyone and every space they enter with them.#like yeah its valid to be uncomfortable at times and be triggered at times but how you handle it is key.#im triggered every time im surrounded by the teams' drunken bullshit but i find ways to cope.#im triggered by the dickhead whos just like my ex-friend of 20+ years but i dont force the coach to kick them out to keep me happy#like. if its gonna be this safe space you're preaching you need to not be the key element of why it isnt safe. just thoughts.#ignore me im just getting very tired of the squad I'm on in rugby rn and considering bailing for the rfc even though i dont jive with#the coach and cant physically keep up with any of them and wont get any playing time#so on that side id be horribly depressed and ignored but socially i think id be happier because this mean girls shit. im done.#if we cannot stamp it out before the end of the season then im bailing for fall cause im not putting up with these fucks#its only a handful of ppl who police and act like the chronically online therapy speak dickheads who havent actually grown up#but theyre very loud about it and im. its not why I joined.
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