#expect me to process by myself and i just end up crying at night all the time cause like what am i supposed to do

[rapidhighway]

every time I come back home I experience new mental illnesses -_-

[wanders-in-wonderland]

First Date

The first thought I had when I saw him was that he looked even better than his profile. We’d matched on Tinder, and after a few days of messaging back and forth, we’d agreed to have a first date. He’d suggested a new restaurant in our area and he was even sweet enough to drive all the way across town to my apartment to pick me up.

Dinner was lovely, the food and drinks amazing and the conversation even better. He was charming and funny and I don’t remember when I’d been so at ease on a first date.

After dinner, he drove me back to my apartment and we sat in his car, still talking and laughing nonstop. I turn to him and shyly ask if he’d want to come up to my apartment for some coffee or dessert. I’m usually not one to invite guys over at night but everything about him has been so perfect and I’m reluctant to let this night end. He smiles and agrees, and we head in up to my apartment.

We’re laughing as we get to my door and I unlock it to let us in. “I’m sorry, it’s a bit of a mess, I wasn’t expecting to bring someone over so I didn’t have a chance to tidy up,” I say, looking around my space before looking up at him.

He smiles at me, but suddenly his expression changes to something sinister. Before I can process the change, he grabs me by the throat and slams me against the door I’d just shut and locked. I cry out, mostly from shock than pain, but his hand cracks across my face, the slap stunning me.

“Shut the fuck up, slut. I’ve been so patient with you all night, listening to your stupid little stories and laughing with you about your dumb little life when all I want is for you to shut up.” He snarls into my ear and I whimper in response, “I don’t understand, please stop! I’m sorry, I thought we were having a good time!”

“Oh this is about to be a good time,” he laughs darkly as he uses his body to pin mine even harder against the door. I let out a soft sob, feeling the hard outline of his cock press against my stomach. I push against him desperately and he hardly moves. In one swift movement, he grabs both my wrists in one hand and pins them above my head, leaving my body stretched out and exposed.

“Please stop, I’m sorry, we never have the see each other again!” I beg him, wanting him to just let me go and leave. His grip on my wrist tightens and his other hand comes up to cup my tits. “Oh no, I’m sure we’ll be seeing lots more of each other,” he says, the dark promise sending shivers down my spine.

His fingers brush over my nipple, the feeling making me gasp even though it’s over my clothes and bra. I wince a little, remembering how I’d even put on a sexy, lacy matching set in preparation for the date. He lets his hand trail downwards, and he slides it under my dress, gripping my thigh.

“Keep your legs apart for me or I’m going to be much meaner to you, slut.” His hand comes to cup my pussy and I whine softly, shaking my head desperately. He lets out a dark chuckle when he realizes that I’m drenched and my panties are soaked.

“Little slut, look at how your dripping for me. It looks like the idea of getting violated on your first date is exciting your cunt.” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond, not that I have anything to say to that. His fingers deftly slide under my panties and part my folds as one finger pushes into my pussy, my wetness offering him no resistance whatsoever. I gasp and let out a broken moan as the feeling overwhelms me.

His finger starts to move as a second one finds my clit and begins a relentless assault on my throbbing button. I can’t help but groan as the pleasure builds and I can feel my hips thrusting upwards, chasing the pleasure he’s forcing onto me. I want to hate it but it feels so good and I can feel myself being pushed toward an orgasm. He knows it too.

"Good little slut, I know how much you like this. Look at you, you're about to cum all over my fingers after just telling me how you didn't want any of this." He works his fingers faster, adding another inside of me as he curls upwards to rub my g-spot, making my knees buckle as my moans become even louder. I shouldn't want this, I shouldn't be moaning loud enough for my neighbors to hear, and I definitely shouldn't be able to cum right now.

"Come on, cum for me, slut. Cum for your rapist," he growls into my ear and I explode. I arch my back and wail as my orgasm rushes over me, my pussy clenching around his fingers and my clit pulsing in time to my heartbeat. He works me through my orgasm as my body goes limp against the wall.

He finally pulls his hand away and I watch through half-lidded eyes as he brings his hand up to his mouth and licks his fingers. I watch him pull off his belt and unbuckle his pants. "Get on your knees, slut," he says, pulling me harshly towards the floor. I sniff back tears as I lower myself down, feeling the hardwood of my entry way dig into my knees. He grabs my face, "Open that slutty little mouth."

I do as he says and he smiles. I watch as he reaches into his pants and pulls out his long, hard cock. I whimper softly, unconsciously rubbing my thighs together and feeling saliva collect in my mouth. His cock is gorgeously thick, veined, long, and so hard. I can't imagine how he'll fit fully into my mouth but before I can think about it too much, he slips the head of it between my lips.

"If you even think about using your teeth, I will choke the life out of you," he says as he thrusts deep into my mouth. He isn't slow or nice or gentle. His cock hits the back of my throat and tears well up in my eyes as I gag around him. He doesn't care as he sets a punishing pace, thrusting into my mouth while I can barely breathe. He groans above me, "Fuck, your little mouth is much better on my cock that it is spouting your stupid stories."

I choke around his cock, feeling it enter deeper into my throat. Eventually, I find a rhythm, bobbing my head in time with his thrusts and drawing in gasps of air in between each one. I can feel my pussy clenching emptily and my clit throbbing. His cock feels so good in my mouth, and I can't help but wonder how fast he could make me cum with it in my cunt.

I hear his groans change in pitch, and I know he's close. My previous rhythm is lost when his hips speed up and he grabs a fistful of my hair in one hand. He thrusts his cock deeper into my throat and he cums. My throat works to swallow all of his cum as I feel his hips stop moving. His cock is still hard as he pulls away, a string of my spit clinging on as he backs away from me slightly.

"Fuck, you're a perfect little cocksucker." He leans against my apartment door briefly as I sit back on my heels, giving my knees a break and looking up at him. "Please, just leave, you got what you wanted," I beg, still clinging on to unfounded hope and whatever dignity I had left. He laughs, "Oh no, little slut, I'm not even close to getting what I want, and we are far from done. By the time I finish, you won't want me to leave."

"Turn around and get on your hands and knees," he says, pushing off the door and coming to kneel next to me. I feel my heart drop, knowing that he's going to fuck my cunt next and there's nothing I can do to stop him. He grabs my hair, and shoves my head down, "I said on your hands and knees, you slut."

I whine at the pain in my scalp and my arms come to catch myself before I fall face-first into the floor. He's behind me now and I crane my neck, trying to keep him in my eyeline. I feel him flip the skirt of my dress up, revealing my damp panties that he yanks down to my knees. Suddenly, I feel his hand come crashing down on my ass, pain shooting through me as he spanks me hard. I cry out and he spanks me a second time, just as hard.

"Little sluts that get wet and cum for their rapists deserve to be treated like this," he says and I feel my face flush with humiliation. He spanks me several more times, each time forcing a sob from my lips. Then, I feel him press against me and I feel the tip of his cock nudge my pussy lips.

"Wait no! Please stop!" I wail desperately, my begging ending in a scream as he ignores me and slams deep into my cunt. I feel my pussy flutter around his cock, my wetness making his violation of my body seamless and effortless. His cock feels so good inside of me, his thickness splitting me open in the best way, and I feel the head of his cock push up against my g-spot, making me see stars. This time, he's nice enough to give me a moment to adjust before he starts.

His starts thrusting deep and fast, not letting me do anything except feel. I can hear the wanton sounds coming from my mouth and the lewd sound of my pussy clenching around his cock. I'm too far gone to care about anything other than the pleasure that is radiating from my core. One of his hands is on my hip, holding me still and the other one wraps around my hair, pulling my head up to make my back arch. I'm moaning, whimpering, and screaming out in pleasure and I can feel my orgasm rapidly approaching.

"That's it, slut. You're taking my cock so fucking well. I'm going to make you cream all over my cock, cum on your rapists cock, you dirty little slut." He growls into my ear as his hand leaves my hip to travel down to pluck at my clit. I scream louder in response as the combined pleasure peaks in an all-consuming orgasm. My cunt is clenching hard on his cock and I hear him groan deeply in response.

I'm still cumming when I hear him curse behind me, "I'm going to cum in your cunt, take your rapist's cum, you fucking slut." I feel his thrusts stutter and his hot cum floods my pussy. My cunt is still fluttering around him and I'm delirious with pleasure and exhaustion as I feel him pull out of me, leaving me empty and wanting. He lays me down gently on the floor and lies down next to me, draping an arm over my waist as he props his head up on one arm. I blink up at him blearily and smile a little.

He grins and leans in for a soft kiss. "So, when's our second date?"

I smile and press myself against him, "How about you stay the night and we figure that out tomorrow morning?"

--

Idea Credit to @thighsquivering

[peachesofteal]

Hey just wanted to say I love your writing!!! Somehow it fills me with a sense of contentment I haven't experienced before, maybe it's because I see so much of myself in darling from dead disco and I'm loving all the au drabbles too.

Can we please get a glimpse into what happened when darling saw them at the grocery store. Did she bolt the first chance she got? She's probably still heartbroken and emotionally exhausted but does she miss them? How is she managing motherhood by herself? Does she think Soap and Ghost tracked her down? Sorry for asking so many questions my mind is racing 💗

Hi love! Thank you so much for all your support, you're truly too kind. 🩵🩵 I'm so glad you're enjoying all these crazy little stories, it's definitely a treat to dive into.

Warnings-tags: 18+ Mature themes. Takes place after this.

It doesn't happen, quite like you thought it would.

You had expected to feel fear, when you saw them again. Expected to feel the nerves, the anxiety, the twisting in your gut when you finally laid eyes on them. You imagined those feelings would shift into anger, as they always do, the tidal wave of your rage's strength pulling you under, just as it did the night you left, nearly two years ago.

You're surprised when it's none of those things. You're surprised when it's... sadness instead. A profound sense of loss, the swell of it so strong it nearly knocks you off balance, while it brings tears to your eyes.

Your mouth hangs open in shock for what feels like too long, seconds turning into eons while you cradle the baby's head, brain sputtering while you try to process. They've done it. They've found you.

They're going to take her.

Except... they don't look like they're looking for you. They look they're just out, doing their shopping. They look like they're just... having a normal day.

And they look just as shocked to see you as you are to see them.

Bee gurgles in your arms, a happy song, and you bounce her instinctively, while you break your eyes away to look past them, at the other end of the aisle, and the towards the door. You should leave. The thought primes your muscles, preparing you to flee, when Simon's voice rings out over the dim grocery store music.

"Don't run. Please. Please, darling. Don't run." You hesitate, unwilling to leave the grocery cart, unwilling to try to run through the store, and stand frozen, rooted to the linoleum like you've grown there.

It's like Bee can sense the shift in your mood, can smell your distress, because her happy trill stops, and her face scrunches up like she's confused, before she starts to cry.

"Shhh, baby. It's okay." you hum, trying to rub her back to calm her, while your brain trips over itself trying to go a mile a minute. Run. Don't. Be calm. Panic. Scream. Cry. Run into their arms. Don't be crazy. Don't let them take her.

They're stepping closer now, easing up the aisle towards you, and you shake your head at them as a no. No. Don't come any farther. I don't trust you. Johnny tries to wipe his cheek inconspicuously, while Simon's got his hands out like he thinks he's about to catch a wild animal.

Maybe he is.

"Stop." you half yell it, the word bubbling up your throat and out like a barb, and it halts them in their tracks.

"Darling, please." Johnny croaks, his eyes locked on yours.

"Stop!" you say again, and step backwards once. Bee fusses, and Simon watches her. "I won't let you." you hiss, and Johnny's brow furrows in confusion, while Simon regards you slack jawed.

"Let us what?" He asks and you nearly laugh, except in the moment you realize your breathing is more shallow than normal, lungs tight and fighting your brain for air.

"Take her. I wo-won't." Johnny's face shifts into something crestfallen, something broken, and he makes a strangled sound. Like he wants to speak, but can't. It hurts you, wounds something deep, something you've buried, and for a fleeting moment, you want to comfort him. Want to reach out, and touch him. Only just to feel him again. Simon doesn't anything at all, just stares at you in shocked silence, his hands shaking.

"Darling, we would never-" Would never? Would never?! He seems to realize, what he's saying, and stops himself... before taking a deep breath and continuing. "We know you don't trust us. But-"

"No. That's enough." You take another step backwards. He doesn't stop.

"Please, we can at least try to help with-"

"I don't need your help." You spit, and try not to look at your trolley. It's full of Bee's food, puréed, organic foods and brightly colored snack packs, while your own is a smattering collection of bruised produce and discount rack canned goods. "We're fine." you double down, but your voice cracks with the weight of the emotions that you're staving off, and Johnny looks heartbroken. "I'm fine. I'm doing it on my own. I've been doing it, on my own."

"I know." Simon's voice is soft, gentle, the gravel pitch smoothed into something velvety, just for you. It tugs at you, stabs and twists, nips at your heart, while you try to build your defenses to keep it out.

"I don't need either of you. We don't. I'm taking care of her. And she's great, she's perfect." It's not a lie. She is perfect. An angel. Your inquisitive, sweet, beautiful baby. Your little piece of perfection. You do everything for her, sacrifice everything, for her. She's your world, and your her's.

But being someone's world who needs you to survive is hard. It's really, really fucking hard. And doing it on your own is even harder. No one understands, what it's like, and you feel so weak, so stupid, so beat down every day that sometimes, it's too easy to close your eyes in the bathtub. It's too easy, to feel like you did after she was born, alone in your tiny flat, with a screaming newborn, and no one to help you. No one to call. It's too easy to wish for terrible things, especially when you know she would be taken care of. When you know her dads would keep her safe.

"She's beautiful, love." Johnny says, jolting you from your thoughts, and you can't help but nod in agreement.

"You've done so well." Simon murmurs and you slam your eyes shut. Don't. Don't listen to them.

"T-thank you." It comes out as a cry, tears you can't hold off anymore, and they both step closer, close enough that they're maybe two arms lengths away from where you stand. "No!" you croak, and Johnny covers his face with a palm, while Simon's face twists like he's in pain.

Seconds pass, and Bee still fusses in your arms, her body wriggling in your grasp, while Johnny takes long, deep breaths.

"Are you taking care of yourself?" he asks you softly, after he rubs his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Li...like I said. We're fine." You choke it out, and Simon shakes his head. Like he knows. Of course he does. They can see right through you. You have to get out of here. "We should go."

"No, wait." Simon tries to step closer, but Johnny grabs his wrist.

"At least, let us buy your groceries." Johnny tries, but you shake your head.

"No."

"Darling, please. Please." Simon latches onto your trolley, making it immobile in his grip, and you shake your head back and forth.

"She needs to go down for her nap." You grit out. You can feel your own tears on your cheeks, and you try to ignore it, try to ignore everything except for your mission. Escape.

"Can we... get your phone number, at least?" He tries.

"That's not a good idea." I have you blocked on everything so not sure what purpose it would serve, either.

"You still have ours, right? In case you need anything?" Johnny asks gently, and you nod.

"You can call us, any time. Day or night." Simon rushes out, like he's a bit frantic, stumbling over the words. He releases the trolley finally, and you pull it away immediately. "For anything. We'll be there." Bee cries, screams, lungs screeching and you pat her back.

"Okay, thanks." You don't say anything else before you turn, swinging around and beelining for check out, all while trying to remember to breathe and soothe your crying baby.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck.

[hannie-dul-set]

STAR STUDDED BAGGAGE [3].

SYNOPSIS. the saying “never meet your idols” exists for a reason. you just didn’t expect the reason to be because said idols would end up declaring that you’re their alleged lover from a past life (past lives, rather). now you have three big celebrities vying for your attention, and it’s not as dreamlike as you imagined it to be.

PAIRINGS. choi yeonjun, choi soobin, choi beomgyu x female! reader. GENRES. reincarnation! au, celebrity! au (soloist! yeonjun, actor! soobin, rock band member! beomgyu), slight college! au, slight historical! au, rom-com, angst, reverse harem woohoo. WARNINGS. swearing, talks about stalking, talks about death, data privacy violations, so much emotional whiplash yummy, a very long conversation, google dependent historical information. WORD COUNT. 6.3k.

NOTE. this chapter finally made its way out hell 😭😭😭 per usual, please let me know your thoughts on the chapter! a single comment on ao3 inspired me to finish this, so ur feedback really means a lot! enjoy<3

MASTERLIST | NEXT >

CHAPTER 3 — can we go back to being parasocial?

IF SOMEONE HEARS YOUR SUMMARY OF THE EVENTS THAT UNFOLDED WITHIN THE PAST FEW DAYS, they may accuse you of lying. Delusional, even. You’d think the same had you not been the center of it all— yet the proof is in your pockets. Your phone. In the album Choi Yeonjun failed to sign, stuffed inside your bag at the last minute before you left your apartment earlier.

The summary. Right. Yes.

“Can they stop sharing that video of Yeonjun excessively flirting with a fan?! I’m going to kill myself if I see it one more time.”

You were lucky enough to nab a fansign slot. But instead of getting Choi Yeonjun’s signature, you ended up getting a kiss of a hand instead, along with a scrawl of numbers on your album that you’re far too terrified to try to dial.

“Hey, send me our photo with Soobin the other day,” nudges Huening from beside you. “I’m gonna print it out and put it in a locket and use it as a family heirloom.”

You bumped into one of your favorite actors, Choi Soobin, in the middle of a late night convenience store run with your friends to fuel your group all nighter, stained his shirt with your ice cream, and got a photo with him in the process.

“By the way, have you called the business card yet? What are you gonna do with your broken phone screen?”

And Choi Beomgyu may or may not have professed his undying love for you, asked for your hand in marriage, and started crying in front of you in less than ten fucking minutes.

“She’s zoned out.”

The problem is, you can’t even bask in the delightful absurdity of it all because one common thread from all those three separate instances has been keeping you up for nights. It’s clawing at your brain, lingering in the back of your mind like an incessant stalker— which, mind you, is not a pleasant feeling when the very causes of such disturbance were once the bringers of joy and all things good in your otherwise meaningless life as a cog in the capitalist machinery that is society.

“Hello? Are you awake?”

Said problem being the fact that you’re pretty sure they all called you by your name at one point.

How the fuck do they know your name?

“I deleted Twitter. I Airdropped it to you. No, I have not called it yet. Now please let me think in peace.”

Crazy. This is all too crazy. In the first place, what are the odds that you bump into three celebrities within one week’s time? Is this some sort of prank, or something? Are those three filming a hidden camera show together? No, no. That couldn’t be because there’s no fucking way a company is sane enough to stage a risky hidden camera prank during a fansign knowing full well how obsessive and insane fans can get. You’re lucky your face wasn’t caught in any of the videos circulating online— video of you and Choi Yeonjun, mostly him, acting out a fucking sageuk. You’re lucky you haven’t been doxxed yet.

“Finish your sandwich,” Taehyun clicks his tongue, nudging your food closer to you, and you sigh heavily. Maybe you’re just wrong, you think, taking a bite from the bread. Maybe this is just a misunderstanding. Maybe you’re just overthinking.

You eat your lunch and steal some wet wipes from Gaeul in between. Right. It’s not like you’re ever gonna bump into them again. You live in, as cliche as it sounds, two different worlds after all. You’re just gonna watch their dramas, listen to their music, enjoy their performances, and that’s it that’s it that’s it.

“Prof Jang sent a message. Class is canceled.”

But still—

“Woohoo! Let’s go to the new dessert shop that opened downtown.”

Choi Beomgyu’s voice saying I love you, Choi Soobin’s cologne wafting in the air you were breathing in, and Choi Yeonjun’s lips pressed against your skin.

How can a sane person just forget about all of that?!

“Why do you look like you’re fantasizing about perverted shit?” Woohyun slaps you in the face with a reality check. This is fucking stupid.

“I’m not fantasizing,” you grunt, because they were events that actually fucking happened— they weren’t birthed from your brain’s insanity. “Anyway, dessert? Where is it?” You ignore your burning face, hoping that your friends decide to ignore it too, but Gaeul has her eyes narrowed at you. Crap. She didn’t recognize that it’s you in the videos right? Holy fucking hell, you’d rather die.

“Aren’t you gonna answer that?”

Oh. Well. That’s— that’s something. A good something because she hasn’t suspected you yet, moitioning instead to your cracked phone that has been buzzing under your notice because you’ve been thinking way too fucking much.

You check the caller ID, but it’s an unknown number, and it doesn’t match the business card you got from your run in with the alleged Choi Beomgyu. “Hello?” you answer, and a voice you don’t recognize says your name and asks if it’s you. “Yes, this is her. Who’s this?”

Another item added to the weird as fuck things that happened to your this week. You excuse yourself from your friends, and with knitted brows, you listen to the stranger at the other end of the line. “You met Choi Soobin the other day at a 7-Eleven in Gangnam, right?” The fuck? Did someone see you that day? Is this a stalker? “This is his manager. Lee Byeongho. I would like to speak with you regarding a certain matter.”

Now, hold the fucking phone.

“Is everything alright?”

You respond to Huening’s concern with a stiff smile before turning away from them. “Did I do something wrong?” you fuss into the call. “I didn’t post any of the photos from that day. I never talked about it online either, and I’m pretty sure my friends haven’t either. Wait. Wait a minute. How did you get my number?”

“Yes, it was difficult to obtain knowing only your first name and university.” That doesn’t answer your question. That just gave you more questions. “But, no. You aren’t in trouble. Actually...I called because you’re the only one who can help us— help Soobin— get out of trouble.”

Your face scrunches up.

“I’m at your campus right now. Parking lot. Do you mind meeting me for a moment?”

Just what did you get yourself into?

“You haven’t finished your food. Where are you going?”

“Somewhere,” you reply, quickly snatching your half-eaten sandwich from the table as your friends follow your swift movements with matching looks of confusion. “I’ll be right back. It’s nothing, don’t worry.” However, you are quite worried. You’re pretty sure Lee Manager, or whatever, is committing some data privacy crimes against you, but the one thing you want at the moment is answers. Your brain is about to explode from all the fucking questions and confusion. There’s a sliver of hope that meeting up with this sketchy guy can answer a few of them. You’d take that chance to air out your head.

There’s a black van in the parking lot. It’s the first thing you noticed because one of its doors are open, and there’s a familiar looking guy waiting just in front of the exposed seats. 

He notices you approaching. “It’s nice to finally meet you,” he says. What’s with men you’re meeting for the first time treating you with familiarity? You’re going to rip your hair out and throw yourself into moving traffic.

“Sure, but can you get to the point?” you stiffly say. “I’m a little busy. I still have classes in a bit.”

“Of course, I’m sorry. This whole situation must’ve come off as a shock to you.” Great, now you’re feeling bad. Soobin’s manager (allegedly) looks like he’s been through a whole lot as well. “Anyway. You are a fan of Choi Soobin, correct?”

“Well,” you blink. “Yes.”

“How about the dramas Kang Jaehee has written and directed?” he follows up. “Are you a fan of those as well?”

Your brows furrow. “I guess?” Peach Tree. That Summer. Mogi. Those are the titles that come right at the top of your head. “What does that have to do anything with me?” Manager Lee spares you a look of pity. You feel like this meet-up is just set out to making you even more fucking confused.

“I sincerely apologize. I didn’t want to drag you into this either, but I’m afraid you’re the only option I have,” says Manager Lee despondently. “Since...since you are a fan of Soobin, and I assume that means you also care about his career, so—”

He pauses. Like he’s practicing the next set of words he’s about to say inside his head.

“—do you mind meeting up with him to convince him to take the lead role for Kang Jaehee’s upcoming drama?”

But nothing could’ve prepared you for that.

What.

What the fuck?

“Mr Manager. Sir,” you start, appalled beyond comprehension. “I’d appreciate it if you start making a bit more sense.” 

“Trust me, I can’t believe I’m doing this either.”

You’re speechless. Your mouth is hanging open with no words coming out because, again, what the fuck? Manager Lee looks just as defeated as you, as if he weren’t the one who had just presented that ridiculous proposal. You are, quite frankly, at a discernible loss. 

Manager Lee lets out a sigh and digs a hand into his pocket. “I’m afraid this is all the time I have today. But please contact me once you’ve made a decision.” Another business card acquired. This is just dandy. “I am really hoping for your cooperation, miss. I’m sure you’re aware of Soobin’s inactivity lately, and my intention of approaching you today is simply in order to help my star’s career. Please consider the favor positively, and we will compensate you as much as my authority can allow.”

With that, you’re left with another laminated piece of paper in your hands. Gosh. This is a headache. When you get back to your friends, they notice the distress you’re in, further justifying a visit to the new dessert store, and seeing how your soul has completely left your body, you’re dragged along with them with ease.

“Hey, pick one. My treat,” says Woohyun. You let out a grunt and point at a random pastry on display. Next thing you know, you’re seated in between Huening and Gaeul at the store you don’t even know the name of. 

Huening is force feeding you an eclair. “Eat.” Your scowl disappears when you allow the eclair entry into your mouth. “Seriously, what’s going on with you? Who did you meet earlier?” 

Seeing as you show absolutely no intentions of telling them, they refuse to question you about it further. Good on them, because there’s no way in hell you’re spilling your predicament. Not until you find out exactly what kind of situation you’re in, at the very least. The two business cards feel like they’re weighing your pockets down, a constant reminder of their existence along with the scrawl Yeonjun left behind.  

“I know exactly how to make you feel better.”

The declaration comes from Gaeul, who slides her phone over to you, and when you look down to see what exactly her miracle medicine is to make you feel less manic, you hack out a cough upon seeing Choi Yeonjun’s face on her phone screen. “The hell is wrong with you?” asks Taehyun from across, giving you some water to push down the eclair lodged in your throat. “I know you like him, but even that is an overreaction.”

Jesus, you’re close to losing it. When you’ve avoided choking to death, Gaeul puts an airpod into your ear, and you hear Yeonjun reading out some comments. “Choi Yeonjun, you look really happy lately, did something good happen? someone asked,” he says while having snacks of his own. “First of all, why are you calling me Choi Yeonjun? It’s like you’re putting a wall between us. I don’t like it.”

Gaeul makes a noise of some sort and had you not been subjected to this week’s insanities, you might have reacted the same way too. Instead, you simply listen to his live in caution, feigning disinterest as you watch him nibble on some pretzels and churros through the screen, continuing to answer the slew of questions in the comments.

“Anyway, you’re right! Something good did happen.” Yeonjun hums while picking out a pretzel from the paper bag, rustling noise and a lively tune filling the audio for a moment— a short moment, right before he continues speaking. “That’s because I finally met the love of my life.”

Taehyun has to give you his water again.

“Oh? Oho, what’s with the exclamation points?” he laughs. “Did I meet them the other day? Hmm...that’s a secret. You’re curious? You think it might be you? Well, let’s see. Should I describe her?”

“God, he’s so fucking messy,” says Gaeul from beside you. “This is why I like him. How many calls is he getting for his manager and company this time?”

“What’s going on? Why is she so startled?”

“Yeonjun’s talking about his apparent soulmate, I don’t know. Wanna listen?”

“Didn’t he get in trouble for doing the same thing last time too?”

Now, you’re not one to give a shit about his love life, and you like to stay out of that side of celebrity gossip as much as you can, but Choi Yeonjun himself is droning on about the love of his life right now. You can’t not hear about it even if you want to. However, as much as you want to let things come into one ear and out through the other, you can’t. Because— wait. Wait. His description is eerily familiar. His description is making you double take and second guess what you’re fucking hearing.

“Sounds a lot like you,” Taehyun remarks without much thought, right after Choi Yeonjun says that the girl he likes has a bit of an attitude, but he likes that about her.

Huening lets out a snort. “Yeah, that’s definitely you. Why don’t you go in a wedding dress the next time you attend a fansign? Who knows, you might have a shot.”

You snap them a dirty look. Fuck. This is making your head spin. For the second time, Choi Yeonjun’s tendency of putting himself into headlines and the trending searches for doing something insane is giving you nothing but stress.

“I did give her my number, but she hasn’t messaged me yet, so I’m quite hurt.”

Number. Hold on a fucking second.

“The comments are going crazy.”

You grab your bag from underneath you, dropping it down to your lap.

“Hey, if you’re watching this, pl—eeeeease contact me. Kim Noona thinks I have a phone addiction now because I’ve been dying waiting for your call.”

You quickly get up from your seat.

“Yo, where are you going this time?”

“I need a minute,” you announce, eyes scanning the store for a quiet place alone while hugging your bag to your chest. There’s nowhere. Looks like you have to get out. 

“Damn, we were just joking. As if you have a chance with a celebrity like him.”

Huening’s joke is ignored and you quickly leave outside the doors, making a sharp turn around the corner, slipping through the passersby downtown until you find an empty alley. Your heart is racing. Your heart is racing like crazy and you may be reaching right now. You may be acting crazy, but what Choi Beomgyu said during the interview with Yeong-Il the other day is echoing in your mind, and— in conjunction with everything else that had happened— you’re starting to think that maybe he wasn’t joking.

Your cracked phone screen greets you when you take it out of your pocket. On your other hand is the first business card you got this week.

“Who’s this?”

“Hello. Good day.” You tell them your name, the events that led up to you receiving this number, with the hope that maybe you’re finally on to something. “I’d like to talk about the compensation for my broken phone.”

Whatever that something is, you’re gonna get to the bottom of it.

*

It’s already beyond closing time at Kwiyeomdongmoim Cafe (a mouthful, you know), yet your pink apron is still neatly tied around your waist as you pace back and forth, to and fro, in circles inside the breakroom. The time is half-past nine in the evening. You should’ve clocked out thirty minutes ago, but you’re still waiting. 

The knock on the door signified the end of your wait. You turn to see your boss’s head popping in through the half-open crack. 

“Three guys are waiting for you,” informs Seokmin. “They all seem handsome. Are they your suitors?”

When you ditched your friends at the still unnamed dessert store the other day, you did it to make a few calls. Three, to be exact. Today is the culmination of those calls, which is why you’ve been erratically nervous the entire freaking day. Choi Soobin, Choi Beomyu, and Choi Yeonjun’s managers all answered respectively when you called all the sketchy numbers you got and made some negotiations (apparently, the mess on your album is Yeonjun’s number, but he got his phone confiscated after that livestream). 

“As if,” you say, walking up to the door leading back into the cafe. Suitors, more like stalkers. Fans stalking their idols is common, but the other way around is a pretty fresh idea. “Anyway, thanks, Kyeom. Thank you for letting me use the store for a while.” Because this is the only private place you can think of outside of your own home— and there’s no way in hell you’re letting them in there when you don’t even know how they managed to get hold of your personal information.

“We’re closed anyway.” Seokmin smiles and makes way for you to pass by. “Go ahead and do your thing. Do you want me to stay inside or keep watch?” 

“You can stay inside, it’s alright.” 

He nods. “Call me when you’re done. Scream if you need backup. I can handle all of them.”

You laugh and thank him once more, a pat on his arm before you decide to peek out the door first as a precautionary measure. From your spot, you can see three thoroughly covered men in windbreakers, caps, and masks sitting on three separate tables in the store. The blinds have already been rolled down, so you can’t see anything outside, but there doesn’t appear to be any cameras around, so you take it as a safe sign to finally leave your hiding spot.

The moment you do, the break room door creaks, and all three pairs of eyes immediately fall on you. 

They stand up. They call out your name in unison.

Holy shit.

And when they do, they all look at each other with a sudden flash of hostility in the air.

Um. Well. How are you supposed to do this? “H—hello,” you manage to squeak out, prompting their attention once more. Soobin takes off his cap and removes his mask, the other two following suit, and oh my god. Oh my god. You suck in a deep breath. Today, you are not a fan. You are an interrogator. This is not a fansign. This is an interrogation. 

“I— uh, I asked your managers if I can meet you all to—today for a specific reason.” Wow. Good job. Your hands are shaking and you can’t look up from the floor or else you’d start losing your mind. “But—but, before that— would...would you like some drinks…?”

Interrogation paused. You need to get your shit together first.

“Please enjoy.”

With the help of your boss (because your hands wouldn’t stop shaking and you dropped the first one you made), you managed to whip up four iced teas and settle all three of them into one table at the very back of the store. You send a stiff smile at Seokmin after he placed all the drinks on the table.

God, you owe him so much— especially when he’s being unreasonably glared at by the three men sitting with you right now. Choi Beomgyu to your left, Choi Soobin to your right, Choi Yeonjun directly across from you and holy fuck, you have yet to look at them properly yet for your own safety. They haven’t been talking to each other either, simply sitting and waiting for you to speak. You’re pretty sure they know each other though, at least by name, being in the same industry and all. 

To say that the tension in the air is suffocation would be an understatement. How...how do you start this? The fuck should you say first?

“You know, I was really happy when Kim Noona told me you called.”

Apparently you don’t have to start it. Choi Yeonjun does it for you.

“But why are these two crashing our date?”

And that’s when things also start to get messy.

“Date?” Choi Soobin interjects. He sounds offended. Why does he sound offended. “What are you talking about?”

Choi Yeonjun doesn’t get a chance to make his case. Because Choi Beomgyu from your left suddenly snatches one of your hands from the table, prompting you to look at one of them for the first time tonight, and your eyes fly wide open. “I’d...like to apologize for the other day. I was just overtaken by my emotions. I hope you weren’t too freaked out.”

You are quite freaked out because holy shit, this is too much maybe. Not maybe. Yes. This is too much. Too. Much.“Hey, why are you holding her hand?!” you hear Choi Soobin exclaim from your other side. Choi Beomgyu’s soft expression suddenly disappears into a glare and a sneer the moment he shifts his gaze.

“You’re holding her hand too!”

“Why can’t I?!”

“Hey, this isn’t fair! One of you switch with me—”

Dizzy. You’re feeling dizzy. Your head is spinning and you’re suffocating from the heat emanating from your very face. Whatever they’re arguing about isn’t even reaching your ears anymore. You’re getting lightheaded and your sweaty hands start slipping out from the two’s weirdly tender hold on your hands because your body is physically breaking down.

“Shut up! Oh my god, my head—”

Your vision actually starts spinning for a second so you quickly bring the bottom of your palms to your temples, elbows on the table to balance yourself, only to be wobbled and shaken because the three suddenly jolted off their seats in panic.

“Are you okay?!”

“I’m fine, just please—for the love of god— sit down and shut up.”

They sit down and shut up. You massage your temples in silence. You remove your hands from your face and, after sucking in a deep breath and releasing it thereafter, feel your heartbeat settling into a normal rate. As normal as it can get in this situation.

“Whew. Okay. I think I’m ready. Let’s get down to business.” Finally, you’re the one steering the conversation. You give each of them a once over as quickly as possible because now you know that prolonged eye contact will only hurt you. You settle with looking at the gaps between each of them. That’s fine. You’re fine. “Choi Soobin, Choi Yeonjun, Choi Beomgyu.”

It’s like three bulbs just lit up in succession. Your brain is starting to hurt.

“A—as I was saying, you three are some of South Korea’s biggest celebrities and although I am, in fact, a big fan of all three of you—” Why is Choi Soobin growing pink. Why the fuck is he blushing. “—that— that does not make me fail to recognize the amount of weird shit that’s been happening lately, and I think I need answers.”

They are still sitting down and shutting up. They listen to instructions well, at the very least.

“First, how the fuck did all three of you know my name without any prior introduction. Second—”

The words get clamped in your throat. It’s lodged in there very tightly because you make the mistake of looking one of them in the eye, only to notice that all three of them are looking at you with the same expression. An expression you can only describe as longing.

And your face starts burning.

“Se— second, why…why do you all keep looking at me like I’m an ex you want to get back together with…?”

Maybe you asked the wrong question.

Because for some reason they all look sad now. Really sad. Really fucking sad and it’s making your stomach clench and nerves all numb and funky because making three big celebrities all sad simultaneously is a bragging right at one end of the spectrum, and a national crime at the other.

It’s Choi Soobin who cracks the silence. “I…I had a feeling when I saw you again for the first time at the store.” Again? “Do you not remember me?”

Your face furrows. “No…? Did we ever meet before you became an actor?”

Hurt. The look of sadness has now spiraled into hurt and one might think you just stabbed and twisted a knife into his fucking gut.  “How—how about me?” Your attention turns to Choi Yeonjun who isn’t looking any better. It’s like his entire world view was just proven to be wrong and why does it feel like you’re the one to blame. 

What else can you do but shake your head in denial? Now he looks like he’d just been told he’s adopted!

“You’re…you’re joking,” he tries to laugh it off, but it only comes off as strained and shaky, then, in one fell swoop— desperate. “R—right…?”

“Great!”

Before you start feeling even shittier, Choi Beomgyu finally decides to join in. 

“And here I thought her forgetting about me was the worst case scenario.” His tone is bitter. There’s a snap in his words. “I didn’t think there’d be other bastards in the same situation as me. God fucking damn it.”

There’s a moment of silence. You watch as realization hits the other while you’re still left in the dark. Choi Yeonjun juts his seat closer. Choi Soobin tries to reach a hesitant arm to your direction, but you’re  tugged to the other side by Choi Beomgyu, who’s suddenly a little too, too close.

“Hey.”

Your hands are clamped together. 

“I meant it when I said I love you. I do. I have loved you four hundred years ago and I still love you now, and if whatever god or deity decides to make you meet you for the third time, I’ll still love you then.”

Beomgyu’s holding both of them in between his in a firm grip.

“Second life is about you. Blue Spring is about you. You’re the person I’ve been waiting for from the beginning of this life until the last.”

Now, if this situation wasn’t crazy, your heart would be skipping a beat right now.

But it is crazy. This is fucking insane. And you look around to see that there’s a weird look of sympathy and understanding in the other Choi’s eyes, clearly not recognizing the visceral insanity of this situation, which fills you with a swallowing lump of existential dread. You pry your hands out of Beomgyu’s grasp (you swear you can hear glass breaking), and slowly turn to Choi Yeonjun and say, with a very hesitant, very cautious, “Y...you too…?”

The look on his face says it all. And then you swivel over to Choi Soobin.

“And you?” 

“I’ve lo—”

“No!” you snap. “Don’t finish that sentence. Please. Oh my god.”

You see Seokmin popping his head out from the corner, mouthing an are you okay? and you shakily bring up a weak thumbs up. “Well, isn’t this interesting,” you hear Choi Yeonjun say, which feels like a slap in the face because what exactly is interesting about this. “Here I thought I was special.”

“Get off your high horse,” retorts Choi Soobin, a sneer in his voice. You double take. Choi Soobin is supposed to be sweet and gentle and kind. Who is this man? “Whatever kind of past you had with her doesn’t mean anything. I met her first. I met her at the end of King Danjong’s rule.”

“Ha!” Choi Yeonjun starts. “We got married under King Taejong. I’ve loved her before any of you did.”

Now, what the fuck?

Choi Soobin’s face pales and he chokes over his words. “M—married?”

There’s a smug grin on Choi Yeonjun’s face. He leans back against the chair with his arms crossed in victory. “You heard that correctly. Married. Pack up your bags. Unless you want me to tell you everything we did on our we—”

“Shut up, shut up, I don’t want to hear it!”

Marriage. King Danjong. King Taejong. Second life. The gears are churning inside your head. You don’t like the direction where the gears are pointing.

“What about you?”

Choi Yeonjun raises the question and the attention is now on Choi Beomgyu. He’s been quiet. The other two wait for him to say his piece— a feigned air of disdain and arrogance but there’s an unconcealable undertone of nervousness underneath it all. Your iced teas have been left untouched. Choi Beomgyu simply scoffs and presses his crossed arms against his chest.

“I have no reason to tell you any of that. This is between me and her.”

And at your mention, you receive the undivided attention of three pairs of eyes once more. Your heart rattles. God fucking damn it. Listen, you’re an avid consumer of the entertainment industry. You’ve watched a good amount of dramas and have read a good amount of manhwas to surmise a conclusion with the bits and pieces of stray information being tossed back and forth between the three. And it’s all ridiculous. But you have nothing else to work with unless they come spilling their guts themselves.

“So,” you clear your throat. “Are you three, like…a couple…hundred years old…?”

They all look offended. 

“No!”

Well, maybe you’re wrong about that part. But after a very long, convoluted discussion, the “facts” (if you can even call it that), are finally laid down on your feet.

They say you’ve all met before. Separately, in three separate lifetimes, with this one allegedly being your fourth unless there were lives in between that they can’t remember. One thing for certain is that the three of them remember the life they had while loving you— and they loved you very much apparently because those feelings and memories got carried over even after they got reborn into the present day.

The problem is, you don’t have the same symptoms. You don’t remember anything about your past lives. Hell, you can’t even remember anything in this life before you hit two years old. 

You slump in your seat. The table rattles. They get up from their chairs and come circling around you in concern.

“Are— are you okay, do you need to lie down? You could rest in my van for a while and—”

You swat Choi Yeonjun’s hand away before it could land on your shoulder. You’ve now got your hands on your face in stress, and peeking through you see Choi Soobin on your right, crouching down and looking up at you with furrowed brows and big, sad eyes. On your left is Choi Beomgyu, half-seated on the chair. You let out a very long, very anguished and muffled groan. This is too much. “If— if what you guys are saying is true,” you say. “What does it matter?”

There’s a tense pause in the air. 

“What do you mean…?”

You spring up from your seat and turn around, Choi Yeonjun in front of you. 

“I mean what does it all matter? King Sejeong, Joseon era, or whatever— I don’t care about all of that. We’re in the twenty-first century right now. I’m neither your lover nor your wife. I’m just a fan of your dramas and music and performances and that's it.”

You squeeze your eyes shut. You don’t really want to see their faces right now. You let a huff of air slip past your lips, turning back around to collect the untouched glasses of drinks on the table.

“Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to meet me and explain. I hope it’s all settled. Thanks for clearing everything up today. You can now all leave.”

It’s Choi Yeonjun who races after you when you make your firm and quick strides to the counter. He cuts off your path. “I—I don’t understand,” he chokes out. You make the mistake of meeting his gaze and see the threat of tears glazing his eyes. “What—what do you mean?”

Admittedly, that hurled a giant pang against your ribcage, knocking the air out of your chest, but you move forward. You brush past him, setting the glasses back on the counter, and— after a moment’s pause— you turn around, a heavy weight on your shoulders. It’s like gravity is trying to suck you deep into the mantle. “What I’m trying to say is we should all just get over what happened all those hundreds of years ago and live our lives in the present. I mean, I don’t know any of you. Don’t you think it’s unhealthy to keep clinging onto the past, especially when you guys are nothing but strangers to me in this life?”

Dead silence. You don’t dare look at any of them in the face. You try and retreat to the break room as quickly as you can, hands fumbling to untie your apron along the way, but you stumble over your steps, screeching to a halt the moment you hear someone say—

“Do you think it’s that easy?”

You could hear your heart in your eardrums. 

It takes all the strength in your body for you to look back, to see the pained expression on Choi Beomgyu’s face standing the farthest away from you out of the three. “Do you think I put my name out there so that it’d be easier for you to find me, wrote all those songs about you in the hopes that I could see you again if you’re someone I can just easily forget?”

Your throat tightens. It’s like you’re swallowing a boulder.

“If you wanted me to forget about you, you shouldn’t have died right in front of me then. You shouldn’t have told me you loved me right before you went cold in my arms if you wanted me to fucking forget.”

Oh.

Oh, god.

Choi Yeonjun and Choi Soobin don’t look any better. It hits you that you might have been more than a little bit unfair.

“I’m sorry.”

You don’t know your history. You don’t know what the fuck happened between you and them throughout those years that made them feel so strongly about you. But it must be harder for those who remember than for those who forgot.

It’s not like they chose to live in the present with half of their souls stuck in the past, either. You’ve been acting awfully unfair.

“I was being insensitive. I’m so sorry,” you exhale. Your knees feel like they’re about to buckle. Your head is spinning in circles. “But to be honest, this is all still very overwhelming, and I’m having a hard time comprehending and making sense of everything. It doesn’t feel real.” You try to take a step closer, but your legs give in. Choi Yeonjun quickly rushes to balance you back on your feet.

“Don’t push yourself,” he says, softly. You can’t look at him. God, these guys really know how to bring your guilt all the way home.

“Thanks, um, anyway—” You breathe in. Shit, you can’t believe you’re considering this. “Again, I really can’t and won’t be able to understand the magnitude of your— well, uh— feelings, since I really don’t remember anything. But how about…I spend some time with each of you individually, and maybe…maybe it can help in jogging back my memories?”

The atmosphere shifts. Ah. This feels like a fucking trap.

“You— you mean it?”

To be honest, you’d much rather just not deal with any of this, just stay at home and continue living your life with these three men as persons you only know behind the screen. But those looks in their eyes— hopeful and melancholic— make you feel your organs are being rearranged every five seconds, and you’d feel bad leaving them with the pain of this conversation especially after they poured out their hearts to you.

You can’t deny the joy and escape they’ve given you for the past couple of years you’ve spent as their fan. Maybe entertaining this unreality is the least you can do.

“I mean, well,” you start, clearing your throat. “Choi Beomgyu, you still need to pay for my phone. Choi Soobin, your manager wanted me to talk to you about something, and Choi Yeonjun—”

You look at the guy who still has one arm pressed against your back, two hands in a firm grip on your shoulders. He’s looking at you and batting his eyes expectantly. You let out a sigh and set yourself loose.

“I need to discuss something with you soon, too.” As in, please stop vaguely mentioning me in your live streams because I fear I might find an angry mob in front of my house. “I think I have all your contact information anyway.”

There aren’t any more reactions coming from them. This seems like the best possible solution for all of you. You sigh again. This has been an emotionally draining evening. You can’t wait to get some fucking rest.

“I’ll be in touch with you or your managers soon. For now, let’s call it a day.”

STAR STUDDED BAGGAGE. © hannie-dul-set, 2024.

[storiesforallfandoms]

bad idea, right? ~ joseph quinn

word count: 2789

request?: no

description: yes, i know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect?

pairings: joseph quinn x female!reader

warnings: swearing, rpf

masterlist (one, two, three)

semi based on this song

We didn't intend on reconnecting. It was a complete accident. A coincidence, even. We were both out with our friends at the same bar. It had been months since we broke up, and it was one of my first outings post-break up. Despite the fact that the relationship hadn't ended poorly, it was still hard to process. I spent a lot of nights crying to rom-coms with my friends afterwards.

I didn't expect to see him there. Actually, for once, I had fully forgotten that Joseph even existed. I was just excited to be out for the night, to have a good time with my friends.

It wasn't even me who saw him first. One of my friends, Fiona, who is incredibly sweet but also incredibly lightweight, gasped and leaned towards me to ask, "Isn't that Joseph?!"

Lynn, my best friend, elbowed Fiona as I whipped around to see where she had been looking. As she said, there he was - the beautiful, chocolate button eyed man I had been in love with for so long. He hadn't seen me yet. He was at the bar with a few of his friends, sat around and chatting. My heart started to pound as I turned back to my friends.

"Do you want to leave?" Lynn asked.

"No," I said. "I let him keep me from having fun for long enough. I'll just...avoid him as much as I can. Maybe he'll do the same if he sees me."

Lynn gave me a skeptical look, but decided to respect my wishes.

For the most part, the plan was a success. The girls and I moved to the dance floor once we all had enough drinks in us, and Joseph became a distant after thought.

That was, until I stumbled off the dance floor to get myself some water. I could tell that the alcohol was starting to get to me in a way that I would regret in the morning if I didn't try to sober up a little bit. I pushed through the crowd at the bar and asked the bartender for an ice water. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings as I waited, until I heard a familiar voice say, "(Y/N)?"

That voice sobered me up better than any water could.

I turned to see Joseph stood basically right next to me. He looked as shocked as I felt. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Luckily, the bartender gave me my water, so I used that as an excuse to try and get away.

"Wait!" Joseph said, reaching out to grab hold of my arm. He quickly let go just as soon as he grabbed me. "Sorry. I just...I didn't expect to see you."

"I didn't expect to see you, either," I said.

"Are you...here with anyone?"

I knew what his question meant, and I was a little surprised to hear him ask. "Just my friends. Lynn and the girls."

Is that relief I see on his face?"

"I'm here with the guys," he said, gesturing over his shoulder towards his friends. "I just got home from filming, they wanted to celebrate me being back."

"Aren't you tired from being away filming for so long?"

Joseph sighed, as if me asking him that lifted a weight off of his chest. "I'm so tired. I had such a long flight, too, but the lads wanted to go out right away because they're all busy the next few days."

"How long are you in town for?"

"Indefinitely. I have nothing else lined up right now until I have to do promo for A Quiet Place: Day One."

Why did I ask that? He's going to think I want to see him while he's home. I can't see him. We're broken up, I've mourned this relationship and let it go.

But have I? If I had, why did I ask him how long he's in town for? Why am I still here talking to him when I'm sure he would let me walk away if I tried to.

"It's good to see you," he said.

"It's good to see you, too," I said. I was surprised to find that I meant it, too.

We both stood in silence for a moment. I knew I should walk away, just end this whole interaction and go out separate ways. But my feet just wouldn't move. I just stood there, looking at him, every good memory I had from our year long relationship running through my mind. Despite my attempts to try to move on from our relationship the last few months, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a desire to pull him in and kiss him.

"Can we meet up while I'm home?" he asked. "Just...talk about things?"

Bad idea! Do not say yes!

"Yeah, okay," I responded.

Stupid!

His eyes lit up. "Okay. Um, do you have the same phone number?"

I nodded, unable to form the one word response. He still had my phone number? I thought he would've deleted it, considering he was the one who ended our relationship. I still had his, but only due to the fact that I had memorized it. Lynn deleted his number from my phone, but I never told her I had added it back in about a week later after a particularly hard night.

"I'll text you tomorrow, yeah?"

I nodded again. He smiled and reached out as if he were going to hug me. He hesitated, so I closed gap instead, grateful for the contact.

I thought he wouldn't remember, so I didn't bring it up to my friends. I didn't even tell them that I had been talking to him. I figured it was just one time, one night of momentary happiness, before I fell back into the sea of despair over my ended relationship.

So, imagine my surprise when I got a text message the next morning that read, "hey, i understand if you changed your mind, but that offer to meet up is still open."

As you can probably imagine, Lynn wasn't happy when I told her.

"You what?!"

I winced. "I didn't think he'd remember! It was late enough into the night that I figured he was a few drinks deep, and by the morning he wouldn't remember even seeing me."

"So you're not actually going to see him, right?"

I looked down at my lap, unable to look her in the eye.

Lynn groaned, "(Y/N)..."

"I know, I know. It's a bad idea to go."

"It's a terrible idea! You're still trying to get over your breakup. Going to meet up with him is just going to open old wounds."

She was right, and I hated that she was right. I had this sliver of hope that maybe meeting up with Joseph would result in us rekindling our relationship, but I knew that was unlikely. Joseph had broken up with me months ago because of how quickly his career had suddenly taken off after Stranger Things. It was like he went from a low profile actor to one of the most sought after actors. First it was Hoard, which was filmed right after Stranger Things. Then he was cast in A Quiet Place: Day One, which was an insanely big deal. And then right after that was Gladiator 2, an even bigger deal.

Between filming and press tours, I knew I wasn't going to see Joseph very often. That revelation hurt, but I knew he was happy, and if he was happy then I was happy. I would push through the long nights of missing him, the mornings waking up and wishing he was in bed next to me, the lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach. All of it was worth it to see him thrive.

But, Joseph didn't see things the same way, apparently. Because, just before he left to film A Quiet Place: Day One, he sat me down and told me he thought it would be best for me if we broke up.

"I don't want you to always be waiting for me," he had said. "You deserve to be happy with someone who will always be around and can give you everything you want. And, with the way my career is going right now, I don't think I can be that person for you."

As much as I wanted this meeting to end with us getting back together, I knew it was highly unlikely that Joseph would've changed his mind. It had only been months, and he still had so much on his plate. Just because he was home now until he had to leave and do more promo didn't mean he suddenly was no longer busy.

Lynn was right, I shouldn't go to the meeting. It was a bad idea. But, at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to cancel it.

So, that's how I found myself in the coffee shop where Joseph and I had our first date, waiting for him to show up. I wondered if he had intentionally picked this place for us to meet, or if it had been a coincidence.

I wasn't sure which option would hurt less.

I looked up as the bell over the front door chimed, and the familiar face of the love of my life looked around the room. When his eyes landed on me, he smiled and made his way over to where I was sitting.

"Hey," he said as he slid into the booth across from me. "You're early."

"I wanted to make sure I got us a spot to sit. I expected it to be busier here today."

It was a Sunday afternoon, which I figured would be prime time for a coffee shop to be busy. Besides Joseph and I, there was only one other person in the place - someone who was typing away at a laptop a few tables over.

"I got you a coffee," I told him as I slid the cup towards him. "Your usual."

He beamed at me. "You remembered."

"It hasn't been that long since I was making you your usual," I reminded him.

He nodded and looked down at the cup in front of him. An awkward tension filled the air. I wondered if what I said was wrong. Should I have brought up our relationship? Were we going to pretend we hadn't dated for a year? That we hadn't talked about marriage and planning our futures together in that year?

"There's so much I wish I could take back," Joseph said, finally. "I wish I hadn't...I wish I hadn't been so stupid all those months ago."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

He sighed, the air from his mouth disrupting the steady flow of steam coming from his coffee. "I thought I was doing right by you by ending our relationship before my career got so hectic. I thought...I thought it would've been better for you if you could be with somebody who didn't have to be away for long periods of time and leave you by yourself."

"That wasn't really something for you to decide, though," I pointed out. "Not without talking to me first."

"I know."

"You just ended our relationship out of nowhere. I thought everything had been fine, and then suddenly..." I trailed off, feeling a lump form in my throat as I remembered that day months ago. I shook my head, trying to hold back any tears. "It was like the whole issue wasn't even up for discussion. You had decided we were over, that was it. The end."

"I know," he repeated. "And, God, do I ever feel like such a fucking idiot because of it."

"Good. You should, because you were an idiot."

I didn't say it maliciously, and luckily Joseph picked up on that. He chuckled. "Yeah, I was a massive idiot."

There was another moment of silence. I raised my coffee cup to my lips, blowing on it a little before taking a sip.

"I don't suppose there's any chance at trying to start over?"

The coffee slipped down my throat the wrong way as I reacted to his question. I quickly put the cup down and coughed up the hot liquid. The person a few tables over looked at us, interested but uncaring, before turning back to her laptop.

"Are you okay?" Joseph asked, a light chuckle in his voice.

"You couldn't have waited until after I swallowed to ask that?" I retorted.

"Okay, maybe that was bad on my part, you're right."

Once I had finally finished my coughing fit, I cleared my throat and sat up straighter to look at him.

"Are you serious?" I asked him.

"About starting over?" I nodded. "I am serious. (Y/N), you have to believe me when I say these last few months have been hell for me, too. I missed hearing your voice every day, or seeing your texts come in. When I got word that I was coming home for an indefinite period of time, I almost called you to tell you on instinct. I made the biggest mistake by breaking up with you. I know that will never go away and it will likely always be something that hangs over us, but I would do anything to prove to you how much I do still love you."

I was so sure I was dreaming. There was no way this was real. This was exactly what I had wanted to happen, so surely it must've been a dream, right?

But the burning in my chest from swallowing hot coffee the wrong way told me I wasn't dreaming. Joseph was actually here, sat across from me and looking at me with those big brown eyes that I loved so much, asking me if we could try to start over in our relationship. Obviously, I wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him and tell him that of course I wanted to get back together with him. This was all I had wanted for months since we broke up. But, the more rational part of me (the part that sounded like Lynn, actually) told me not to go there just yet.

"You really hurt me, Joseph," I reminded him.

"I know I did. I know I'm sorry isn't enough, but I am so sorry for doing what I did to you."

"If we are giving this relationship another shot, then you have to promise me that you will talk to me about this stuff before you make big decisions like that. I understand that you were trying to think of me in that moment, but if you had talked to me before deciding to just break up with me, I would've told you that I wanted to be with you even if I don't get to see you for long periods of time. I was so happy for you to be getting those roles, Joe. I was excited to hear the stories from sets and to get to watch you grow. The feeling of loneliness was a very small price to pay if it meant getting to see you be happy."

He looked away from me again. "I guess...I didn't really think of it that way."

"Because you were being an idiot."

He smiled. "Yeah, I was."

"A colossal idiot."

"A mega idiot."

"A mega, colossal idiot."

We both laughed then. Joseph's hand started to reach out towards me, but then he hesitated. I reached out the rest of the way and intertwined my fingers with his.

"Will you give me another shot, (Y/N)?" he asked again. "I promise I will never be such a mega, colossal idiot again."

I nodded. "Of course I'll give you another shot."

His entire face lit up with happiness. He squeezed my hand before tugging on it, pulling me a little closer as he leaned over the table to kiss me. It was only a quick peck, like he was testing the waters, but it was all I needed. It was what I had been wanting for so long now, just to feel his lips against mine again.

When he sat back, his hand still in mind, I gave it another squeeze and asked, "Are you allowed to tell me any stories from A Quiet Place? Or is it all top secret, hush hush?"

He smiled. "You know I'd tell you anything, even if it was top secret."

And just like that, we fell back into a usual routine. It was as if the last few months apart had never happened. And I was more than happy to forget it had.

[egirling]

one direction.

i think i’m still grieving what happened; ever since liam has passed there’s not been a single day where i haven’t thought about the 5 boys that overtook my life when i was 12. i was a diehard fan, still am. if it wasn’t for them; i wouldn’t of met my closest friend. they had such an impact on my life and i genuinely cannot process what happened.

i never thought that i would be this sad at a member passing; but i also think that i never ever thought to fully understand that it’ll happen one day. i handle death well but for some reason this death has struck me.

as a 24 year old, i feel for the 12 year old girl who started liking them. who had her walls covered in posters, wrote fanfiction, ran a 1D fan page on facebook and twitter, the one who cried when zayn left and when they all unfortunately split away from the band. i remember the little girl who would get salty when people typed ‘1d’ instead of of ‘1D’, the girl who stayed up late to watch songs be released, the girl who truly thought these 5 guys were the best thing to happen to her.

i remember listening to up all night and getting sad when stole my heart came on; because i knew the album was ending. but luckily i was fortune enough to own the physical album so i could just rewind it. i did that for years since i never owned another album on cd.

i also feel for that little girl; i remember being sad when i saw people attending 1D concerts knowing i never got the opportunity to as a child. as an adult; sure but… a reunion is unspoken for currently. i get sad when i realize that i’ll never see 5/5 live, but i saw a tiktok comment saying that i at least experienced the fandom at its prime and that i lived during it, and that’s enough for me to feel a connection to them. it makes me feel better.

i know that death is natural and happens to everyone, but i was not expecting to handle the loss of someone i worshiped as a child. i know he’s just a celebrity, would never know i existed and all of that but genuinely this has struck me in a way i never expected. it’s like part of my childhood has been torn away from me; like my younger self is heartbroken by liam and what happened. (maybe this has to do with the trauma ive dealt with in my life? but that’s something i gotta discuss with my psychiatrist.)

1D and all the members will always have a spot in my heart and soul for the chapter of my life that they were in, i’m genuinely so grateful for them in multiple ways. i remember when little things came out and that was in my peak of my self harming, and hearing them sing about things i hated about myself struck me when i was younger. obviously, when i was a child it felt more personal compared to being an adult, but it still helped. i don’t think i self harmed for awhile after that song.

i love the fact that i got to experience them as a band, and the fact that im living in a life with their solo careers as well. i’m ever so proud of them and how they’ve grown.

as for liam, i do miss him as weird as it might be. i never knew him, never would but he was … almost a positive influence on me and my younger self. i didn’t have much direction growing up, but i knew listening to their songs or watching videos of them that i would feel content. an escape maybe.

i don’t know. i can’t sleep and it’s almost midnight and i needed to get this off my chest. i think i just needed to vent and say my peace and words to accept what’s happened.

this blog started as a 1D blog 💀

i know there’s millions of fans who are deeply affected by this as well, and if anyone even reads this i just want you to know your feelings and thoughts are completely valid, grief affects everyone differently. he was a huge part of life for MANY people out there. take care of yourself. listen to some songs and cry; everything will be okay.

(i don’t think i can do this 4 more times)

there’s a day i’ll be older than him and that’s weird… i don’t like that thought. it was never supposed to be that.

i would like to believe that liam is content wherever he is right now.

all the love, sarah / egirling

[granny-griffin]

Griffin dear I *must* know why you’re tagging Bakugou posts as “Halloween” —Poet

When I was really young we lived in Ireland, and one Halloween our house got egged because we weren’t there to hand out candy. That sparked my Dad to research/think about Halloween and its origin, and he came to the conclusion that there was a lot about it that he couldn’t celebrate in good conscience as a Christian.

I really respect my Dad and his convictions, but as I grew up I realized that I have a different approach. I think most cultural forms and practices are neutral in themselves, and that any of them can be worship of Christ if they’re approached with that attitude. And I decided that Halloween was part of my culture, and I wanted to celebrate it. So I set about trying to figure out how I wanted to do that.

This post really solved the problem for me. I think everybody should just read it, but if you don’t want to, TLDR: it’s an analysis of the Oh Hellos album Dear Wormwood, specifically the song Danse Macabre. The original version of the song refers to a legend where skeletons come alive and dance just on Halloween night. But in the Oh Hellos version, the skeletons come to life permanently—they’re fully resurrected. 

And so in that I was able to solve how spooky/scary decorations and aesthetics could still be used in my worship—I didn’t have to celebrate fear and death, I could instead celebrate their defeat. But I didn’t just want to copy Easter, the other resurrection holiday, so it couldn’t be about the resurrection of Jesus specifically. It would have to be about my own future resurrection at his second coming. And there was something fitting to me about that given its seasonal placement—even when all the plants around me were succumbing and dying off, I could remind myself that it wouldn’t be permanent, that we would both come back in the end.

All of this kind of came to a head in my mind during the summer of last year. And so come last October, like a good tumblr citizen, I was ready to celebrate Halloween all month. I was purposefully setting my mind on the victory over death that was mine in Christ.

Anyway then Bakugou came back from the dead. 

One of my friends has told me that she likes to encounter hard things in fiction as a sort of inoculation—because she has such intense emotions, she wants to experience things like grief first in a safe environment, so that she can learn how to process them before they come on her in all the strength of reality. 

I feel that I have almost the opposite problem. I think I don’t always feel things the way that I probably should. If my friends are crying, I don’t usually feel sad. But when I read stories I feel things, and sometimes I can attach those feelings to similar things in real life, and then I know what they’re supposed to feel like. It gives me something to work with.

The situation with Bakugou was really particular—from a Watsonian level it had looked bad for him. But on a Doylist level it didn’t make any sense for him to stay dead, or so I thought. For a whole year since he’d died in the manga, I’d been sitting there expecting him to come back, because I thought I knew what kind of story Horikoshi-sensei was telling. And when that wish came true I was euphoric. I was giddy with it. 

And I kept thinking to myself—this is what it feels like when hope of resurrection is fulfilled—this is what I’m going to feel when I wake up again as a new creation, and I don’t have to wait and hope anymore. Except this is only the inoculation. What promise did I have from Horikoshi-sensei? I didn’t know him! He could have done whatever he wanted. But from Christ I have a sure promise—he’s told us what kind of story he wants to tell. 

The chapter 403 leaks came out late on October 11th, 2023. The October 7th 2023 terrorist attack had just occurred, and later that week, the war in Gaza would begin. Everyone around me was confused and scared, and it couldn’t touch me. I didn’t believe that fear and death could win in the end.

Anyway Poet, to answer your question, this year I queued a bunch of Bakugou posts for the 11th so I could remember the most Halloween thing ever to happen to me.

[en-chi-la-da]

general animal death talk below

last night my dog sissy finally passed away

when i say finally i don't mean it like "god FINALLY i've been WAITING for her to GO already", i mean it like, i've been expecting it. "she's a tiny elder dog so i shouldn't be surprised when it happens", it's happening > it happened > time goes on. she's lived a long life, a solid 21 years (her birthday is in january) which was way longer than i was expecting her to go to be honest (although it is the estimated lifespan for the chihuahua breed WHATEVER) she was a strong little geezer. never broke a bone, rarely got sick, it felt like she was indestructible, looking back on it all.

unfortunately, she did get sick once again, so it actually wasn't from her old age catching up to her (again, that's what i expected to happen). she became lethargic and weak, very hot, was not eating/drinking or getting up to use the bathroom, when she did it was only to pee, and lots of sleeping. when we got her checked out she was dehydrated, ran over 103-degree F fever, and they told us that after an ultrasound they had found some cysts that had developed in her lower body (her digestive tract i believe). they said her body was trying to fight off an infection, most likely from the cysts, but they couldn't tell if they were cancerous or not or if one of them had popped or something. in the end, she wasn't looking good.

long term, we would've had to pay for numerous tests and surgeries for them to figure out what exactly was affecting her and try to treat her, although with her current state and how old she was, the vet estimated that most likely, her body wouldn't be able to handle all of that. short term, the quality of life route, we administer painkillers for a predetermined amount of time until she passes on her own or we run out. or, euthanization right there in the clinic. i saw no point in the medicine, why try to keep her around, just so we could watch her continue to suffer in her own bed? so she could keep not drinking or eating? so the infection could keep spreading? so i could end up one day coming home to find her dead body? horrible and ugly and the last thing i want to remember her by.

it felt like the best course of action, all things considered. she gets to pass painlessly, and i get to say goodbye and hold her in my arms one last time. honestly, i hadn't even started crying until it was over. when i felt her stop breathing and the vet confirmed that her heart had stopped. sure, at this point i had already accepted the fact that she was dying, there's not much we could do about it without hurting her more, it's the cycle of life, it was her time to go, i knew it was going to happen eventually - still, despite everything i was telling myself, to just get through it, for her sake - all my feelings in that moment still hit me like a truck. never before had she felt so small.

her life and her death will remain with me for the rest of mine, and i can only hope to see her again one day, but not for a long, long time.

i'm okay now, for the moment. honestly, ive just been rewatching all the videos i have of her, continuing to think of her and remembering her life with me. all that's left is to let the grieving process pass, i suppose. this is the last pic i got of sissy - this was from only a day before she started getting sick, can you believe that? i have others of her obviously, but this one i'm more comfortable with sharing.

on 4-15-2024 i said goodbye to the strongest chihuahua i've ever known and had the pleasure of raising 💖 may she rest in peace! :')

[destinygoldenstar]

So I have a delayed reaction. It’s because of my current battle with anxiety and (undiagnosed but suspected) depression.

Episode 2’s message is very dear to my heart (and nothing y’all say is gonna change that), and the final scene of Pomni processing she isn’t alone made my eyes glossy. Then later that evening I started crying. Then I woke up in the middle of that night and started crying again. And now every time I watch that scene for myself I’m teared up and moved.

It’s the same with this episode. The entire sequence of hell is a sequence with brilliant writing. I was heavily moved with it but didn’t cry. But I NEVER stopped thinking about the episode since I watched its premiere. (Same with the previous episodes. It took WEEKS before it got out of my head)

And now here I am after having just started crying about the scene.

But it’s in a moving ‘I am heard’ way.

It’s been a very rough days of work for me. Days where I’ve actually suffered panic attacks. And the adults around me were not effectively helping. I thought I’d get a day off away from it all, but nope. I called my GF and got some soothing words and hugs (She’s amazing). Then afterwards I remembered this scene of this show and I started crying from being moved and heard.

In the midst of all the fear and stress, comfort and good memories of comfort will make you stronger and give you the courage to face the hard stuff.

And I feel like this stressful situation of mine is going to go okay.

Goddammit, how many times do I have to say it?! This show is incredible and very special to me. I’m not watching the show because of the trends. I’m watching it because it SPEAKS TO ME in a way that no show has ever done before.

It’s a show that’s not only very rewatchable and entertaining and intriguing, but there’s this spark and core and understanding that has helped me figure some things out about myself and is slowly helping me change as a person for the better.

‘Once In A Blue Moon’ guys.

Once in a blue moon, we all come across that one work of art that completes us and speaks to us in a way nothing else will. When you least expect it to.

Viewing Digital Circus’s episodes has been the greatest viewing experience of my entire life so far. And I doubt it’s gonna change till the show ends. We’ll see if it stays that way to the end.

It’s crazy too because where I’m from, the people around me either DON’T even know what Digital Circus is, or they dismiss it as this ‘silly kids cartoon’.

Thank you Digital Circus for touching my heart yet again.

[ladylooch]

oooh for blurb night (and if you've blurbed something like this already feel free to ignore!!) does lexi ever get subjected to any nastiness on social media or even in person? some of these fans take it a little too far, as we've all seen 😬

!!!!!!!!!! We have not talked about this yet. We talked about this with Emma. But we all know Lexi gets it and it’s bad. Nico does his best to protect her, but there is only so much he can do.

Lexi is unusually quiet tonight. At first, Nico didn’t think anything of it. She has been struggling since she quit her job, feeling like a “useless sack of potatoes” (her words) while flipping through various comedy shows trying to get a laugh. The truth is, she’s still grieving the loss of her special patient, and it’s going to take a long time until she moves through the process.

But this quiet tonight also comes with a distance that doesn’t sit well with Nico. He thinks of that as he wipes his hands off on the kitchen towel after finishing washing the knives from dinner. Then, he moves around the island to stand by her head in the living room.

“I’m gonna watch some film, unless you want to catch another episode of Gilmore Girls?” Nico asks, tugging her pony tail where it flops over the arm of the couch. She shakes her head no without looking at him. Nico sighs, coming around to squat in front of her. He examines her face, pursing his lips in sadness at how hollow her gaze looks. “Baby, I’m worried about you. What’s up?” 

“Why are you with me?” Nico blinks back at her in surprise. He did not expect that question.

“What?”

“Why are you with me?”

“There are a million reasons. But if I had to sum it up in a sentence or two, it’s because you’re the best person I know and I can’t live without you.”

“You could do so much better.” She whispers as tears fill her eyes. Nico lowers his eyebrows in confusion. This is not like her.

“Lex, what is going on?” Nico scoots her over until her back presses into the large cushions fully. She begins to sob, hiding her face as Nico curls her into his chest. 

“People are being so mean to me on social media. And I can take it, Neeks. I can take so much if it means that I get to have you forever, but they’re going to a whole new level that I just… don’t.. know how to deal with.” She begins to sob harder. 

“Baby, I am going to fix this. Tell me what happened. I’ll take care of it.”

“How? Are you going to shut down the internet for me?”

“I fucking will if I have to, yeah.” This gets her to smile through her tears. Damn does he love her. He would go find every serve in the world and rip the cords out himself if it meant she wouldn’t cry like this because people were mean to her. Because of him. They attack her because he loves her. How unfair is that?

“Someone DMed me on Instagram asking if I knew how unworthy of you I was….” She sighs afterwards, tugging at the drawstring of his sweatshirt. “Like how do you get out of bed with so much ugly audacity?” She repeats.

“But you know that isn’t true.” He strokes her wet cheek, then tilts her chin back so she looks into his eyes again. 

“Yeah… I mean, for the most part. But, sometimes…. I’m just not sure.” 

“Oh Lex.” He breathes out a heavy breath, feeling his heart break. “Am I doing something wrong that makes you feel like that?”

“No! God, no, Nico you are… perfect. But, they get into my head… and I’ve been in such a bad place.” 

“I wanna fix this for you. Wanna soothe every crack and hurt in your heart, baby.” He kisses her lips desperately as he says it.

“You can’t.” She eases the burden for him. 

“What can I do?” Lexi contemplates, slowly blinking, really contemplating what she needs from her boyfriend right now. 

“Maybe you could take over my social media accounts and change the passwords, so I can’t login right now? I shouldn’t be on anything. Not until I heal. I can’t seem to hold myself accountable to that commitment.”

“Done. What else?” 

“Hold me. All night… until we are tired lumps, melded together with no ending.” Nico chuckles. 

“Okay. Here or in bed?”

“Bed.” It’s a heavenly sigh that tells Nico he’s getting lucky tonight.

After Lexi falls asleep, Nico maneuvers his arms around her and pulls her phone up. He makes a list of all the people sending her awful messages and blocks them, then he logs into his account and blocks them on his as well, across all social medical platforms until all that is left is praise, love, and appreciation for his beautiful girl.

Nobody makes his girl feel like not enough. Nobody.

And if this continues, this Devil is going to unleash hell.

[reynanghugot]

I closed out July and started August with a roller coaster of emotions. As you all know, I've been struggling with my current health situation, but I did not let it ruin my day.

I ended my third-year second semester [July 29] with a bang by passing our final research defense with flying colors. [If you're following me on Instagram, you were able to see the snap of that in my story.]

I was admitted the following Sunday [July 30] for my RAI therapy the next day, Monday [July 31].

The first night of my therapy was fine. Apparently, I woke up on Tuesday. [August 1] with a swollen neck, no voice, a dry throat, and total pain. I spent the first half of my day in a hospital bed and just had my lunch late because I felt nauseous, but despite that, I was able to manage to schedule some Instagram posts and launch my first one. [big thanks to @/kindclouds for all the help.]

I had the same feeling when I woke up on Wednesday, and I'm a bit irritated already because I am having a hard time pulling myself out of bed and taking a bath [as it's a requirement to take a bath at least twice a day to wash off the radiation] but at the same time praying that my radiation will go down to at least 3 or 2.5 in order for me to get the full body scan the same day. After I took a bath, the nuclear medicine technician called me for the radiation exam, and viola! I'm at 3, and I got my body scanned that day, which took around 40 minutes to an hour. I had a good nap too while she was doing the scan, lol! I didn't do anything the whole day after that, as I still felt nauseous. I had my devotional prayer before I went to bed and had a good cry, asking for more help, peace of mind, and to be discharged the next day.

Thursday, I woke up with the same side effect but was hoping that there would be another good news to follow once my doctor visited me early that morning, and an answered prayer indeed, I was informed that I'm truly ready to be discharged that day too. So I messaged my mom and asked her to go to the nurse station asap and process my billing and everything, as I can't go outside of my room yet.

I'm so nervous to death about my bill because I am expecting to cash out for my room and board, but the universe really loves me because I didn't pay anything for the whole procedure because of my HMO, PWD, and PH. I didn't expect that at all as my coverage is not that big and I don't have a 100+k to cash out at all. It was such a relief. [and the funny part was that mom cried first before she went back to the nurse station to forward the discharge stab or something from the billing department.]

That's my latest chika for now. I hope everything goes well in the next few days. I might not be allowed to go out until Monday, especially if it's crowded, but I'm glad I am home, and I hope that the scan will be all cleared and there will be no other hospital staycations in the next few months. Praying for my fast recovery in order for me to go back on track. There is still a lot on my plate for both academics and a new industry that I would like to enter. Happy Friday, Tumblr!

[lilyminer]

I often convince myself no one wants to be around me when I’m overstimulated. I’ll immediately and quickly isolate myself. Yes because that’s also a good way to avoid more sensory overload but also just to get out of other people’s hair.

And how my family treats me when I’m overstimulated makes that idea easy to understand. There’s 6 of us after all, the house is noisy, if I can’t deal with that it makes more sense for me to go off on my own then make it other peoples problem. I don’t blame anyone btw, I understand this is often just how it has to be.

But one singular event completely changed my perspective on what I want, need, and might be ok with when I’m overstimulated. And it’s simple but idk, it showed my friend cares which means a lot.

It was a simple little event. Me and my friends were hanging out at a park late at night. My dad was coming to pick me up and got frustrated when he couldn’t find where I was. His annoyance paired with trying to focus on leading him to the right spot while my friends were still talking overestimated me. I quickly said goodbye in that way you do when you need people to know you can’t talk for long and everyone else said a quick goodbye and I went wandering out onto one of the dark trails with my phone flashlight, a little more nervous now. But of course cuz my best friend ain’t about letting me wander into the woods alone at night they followed behind me. It was hard to notice at the time but them being there absolutely made me feel safer. At this point my dad was sending me an angry text and it was cold and my friend was trying to help me calm down because I was very evidently about to cry from the sensory overload. And of course it was inevitable at this point that the overstimulation would take over and I ended up hitting my head a few times to try to get the loud thoughts out. To me that’s . . . Ig not “normal” but an expected reaction, to my friend who hadn’t watched me have a full breakdown before that was startling, can’t blame them for that. I feel really bad I put them in a situation where they both had to see and react to that. Of course they don’t have any training for that so they jumped in to try to stop me from hitting myself. Unfortunately I was not thinking straight, acting on instinct as I like to say. So to my overwhelmed brain that was just another physical touch to have to process, and I wish I didn’t but I ended up physically pushing them away. The last bit there after the culmination of the breakdown is foggy, they apologized a lot, pretty sure I did too, but I was still in a rush so I said goodbye and jumped into that car with the most hostile energy imaginable coming from my dad.

When I got home my friend sent me a long text apologizing for not doing the right thing and overwhelming me more but honestly all I could think about was just the fact they cared. No ones cared before. No ones taken the correct, physiologist-sponsored course of action, so it still meant so much that they tried something at least. Idk y’all I love my friends, when you grew up in a family of 6 having, people who are just looking out for you, no one else, is so nice.

I have coping mechanisms for being overstimulated, and most of the time isolating myself is actually the best course of action, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t help to have a friend who cares about me around. Although next time some warning is certainly in order before I get to the point where I hit my head.

[readychilledwine]

Hello lovelies! Long post regarding requests below the cut 💜

Tldr located at the bottom. 💜

I currently have over 30 things in my inbox 😬

I am in the process of trying to condense similar requests down to maybe give a few people who are requesting very similar things something that covers what both parties want.

I also am just going to be just responding to some instead of giving them full fics or drabbles. There's a few that are very similar to fics I've already posted, WIPS I already have, or their ideas for things I've made multipart fics.

If it's similar to one I've posted, I'm concerned with those that I may end up almost copy and pasting with a few name changes, and that's not the content quality I want to give all of you nor the expectation I have of myself, so I will not be fulfilling those requests at the moment, but I want your ideas to be out there for someone else. If it's similar to a WIP, I'm responding with a preview of what's written. If it's an idea for an existing multipiece, you may get a little preview, or just the side eye emojis if I'm trying to keep things sneaky sneaky (like I am with Bound by Fate and Cat and Mouse)

*heavy sigh here*

Warnings for this next part - discussion things in my inbox related to requests I'm receiving for (insert several SJM males x pregnant reader)

I really don't know how to address this next part without risking some people getting upset, but I have to. If this next part upsets you, please know this is a me thing, not a you thing, and I genuinely hate saying no.

There's a few requests I'm going to let sit for a little bit or just delete, and if you are one of those people who sent them, I'm so sorry.

There's a lot that would require me to address very real fears that I, as a pregnant woman and soon to be mother, am currently dealing with, counteract, and have to watch for. I know it comes off very excuse-y because "writing is therapy," but I don't think any amount of therapy really stops a mother from being afraid for the safety and health of their child, especially a newborn who relies so heavily on you.

I've tried multiple times to start a request that's started to affect my own dreams about my child, myself, and what my poor baby daddy would do if someone took us from him, and, to be frank, he's closed my laptop when I start doing the thousand mile stare, begin stage one of hyperventilating, and crying. He loves that you all support me, but we have spent the night talking about it, and this needs to be a temporary boundary for a little bit, and it may become a permanent one.

Again, I am so sorry, but I have to keep my emotional and mental well-being stable and safe for our daughter while she finishes baking to perfection the next couple of months. I will happily give you all nesting and warm happy pregnancy feelings and emotions. I'll address minor pregnancy angsts as well, like days with light movement, the anxiety that sets in between appointments, the fights my boyfriend and I and a ton of other expecting couples go through, but I do kindly have to ask that kidnapped pregnant readers enduring torture, kidnapped babies, killed off (via torture or death during labor) pregnant readers, and still birth requests stop coming to my inbox. I just can't handle them this late into my pregnancy.

Tldr and skipped below - Elizabeth will be going through and posting requests or responding to them. She loves requests and wants them, but she also has asked that people stop sending her requests regarding the following

Kidnapped newborns

Pregnant readers being tortured/forced into preterm labor

Pregnant reader dying during labor

Pregnant reader being murdered and the baby is taken

And my personal favorite nightmare inducing senerio- acotar male x pregnant reader with a stillborn.

Again, send requests. I love them. Please just consider if I'm actually the right person for it. Again, I am very sorry to anyone who may be disappointed now, but hopefully, I can fulfill your imagination other ways. 💜

[busyfish]

We did an 18 key tonight together

i cried when we finished.

We're a tank healer combo and like, i am slightly undergeared and running offensive trinkets from last season, but i trust them completely and i find the whole tank/healer thing romantic

it was their first time healing a key that big

i was just so proud of them but also like i cannot believe this whole thing is real

They messaged me tonight after our call too and said the same thing

They think i am perfect for them.

i started crying writing this

i don't really know how to process any emotions without crying

they are really nice to me about that.

i have cried in front of them a lot already and they reassure me it's ok.

they say they like my brain and love me how i am

i don't have to force myself to try to be a normal person.

i have always felt dumb and just annoying when i don't understand a situation and have to ask bluntly what is expected of me

they let me just ask what i am supposed to do and won't get angry at me for not being able to read their mind or whatever

i love them so much.

They really keep surprising me.

i feel like all of my fears and concerns about being in a relationship with someone are just non issues with them

i guess i have been mistreated a lot and taken advantage of and my expectations are well, that

But they genuinely care about me and don't want to take advantage of me, they help me, they put effort into me.

i never thought i could trust someone with my heart this much.

i have been able to tell them my insecurities and they reassure me.

i honestly believe they want to take care of me.

-

they told me last night that they want to tell their parents about me.

They seem really serious about me.

We're both really work in progress people.

We both know we're like, not ready to do a lot of stuff

But it's nice to feel like someone is sure about me.

They're not going to run away from me.

They talk to me every day.

We spend time together every day.

We hear each other's voices every day.

They've made so much space for me to exist in their life.

i really hope this lasts

i want to be with them for a long time.

i sometimes accidentally think in my head i want to be with them forever

That seems irresponsible

We've only been together for a month

i think i just know what i want though

And they do too

i want to wait more until i feel comfortable thinking things like that

But i do think some times we were meant to be together

i told them tonight that i get afraid that i overvalue my relationships with people

And that i end up liking people way more than they actually like me.

But they told me that all the things i have said i feel about them, they feel for me.

i feel like they know the things i haven't said out loud.

The night we told each other that we loved each other, they knew

They knew i wanted to say it.

They even told me it was okay to say it.

We're in love with each other, i guess it would make sense that i would think to myself that maybe this might be forever

i know i sound crazy.

i am a little swept up in emotion right now.

i write this stuff right after they say goodnight to me.

They always say goodnight my love.

i belong to someone, i am someone's love.

It's hard not to get swept up by that.

i wrote a lot on here before i met them that i just want to hear someone tell me they love me.

And now i hear it every day.

i love it the most when they use my name when they tell me they love me.

i feel like i just got everything i ever wanted.

It's hard not to feel like i want this forever.

i will try to be responsible though with my feelings and expectations.

i write a lot of this stuff out to try to parse my feelings and like process my emotions

This is a lot for me.

i thought i didn't feel these things.

i have had little crushes on people but never that i would be full blown romantically attracted to and in love with someone.

i need to like gather my thoughts and just parse them out sometimes after the day is done.

i fall in love with them more every day so it just feels like a lot.

i admire them so much.

-

People think we're really cute together too.

That's really important to me for some reason.

It makes me feel like i am not stupid for thinking this is like for real

It's reassuring to see other people acknowledge that we love each other so much

One of my guild mates said he thought we were so wholesome

i got the courage lately to call them dear and stuff in guild chat and stuff.

And they started to do it back

And we say i love you to each other and stuff.

It's cool that they guild is run by a gay man so like, we get a lot of support and stuff.

We're a very openly queer couple in front of a lot of gamers and no one bothers us about it.

Gosh this got so long. It's 7:30

i think I started writing this nearly an hour ago.

i have stopped to think a lot so its definitely not an hour's worth of reading but yeah

i am finished for now.

i just want to keep writing about this stuff because it's a major event in my life

things are really good

[evansbby]

Am I the only one who thinks that Steve's reaction to Bucky locking omega outside was too relaxed and not that angry?? Like he was pissed yeah but ngl I was expecting him to be more mad and actually do something. Like, if someone locked my gf outside in the fucking rain while she was pregnant, u best believe that I'll murder someone. Steve's so much talk about being an alpha but honestly he doesn't really do anything to protect omega. And it makes me so mad bcs Omega is so used to being abandoned and so used to Steve not taking her seriously and justifying/excusing all the bullying he and his friends did. For once I just want someone to rage over all the mistreatment she's been through and just support and defend her. When I put it all like this, Steve sounds really awful 💀but the slow growth he's shown in the drabbles and even in poyt pt 4, really proves that he truly loves Omega even if he doesn't know how to express it in a healthy way. To end my rant, I just wanna say that ur such a good writer - the way u write relationships and the growth of characters combined with themes of anxiety and insecurity makes me wanna just frame poyt. Like, the scene where Steve mocks Omega by telling her of his cheating and then the bath tub scene???? Perfection. It literally made my heart drop in my stomach and I got this weird feeling in my stomach - yk the one where ur so in pain that u can actually feel it?

Also bestie who broke ur heart? The way you write is so beautiful and so devastating - its like you've been through seven divorces 😭 you write like you've lived and have let ur heart be broken.

<3.

TRUST ME I KNOW THIS. But consider: this wasn’t the climax of the whole fic, that I have other things in store, that I couldn’t have him completely lose it on Bucky in that scene. You guys need to trust me on the writing process. I deliberately wrote it the way I did. I KNOW his reaction was more subdued but just trust me! Also, had Steve gone full rage mode and completely beat Bucky up that night… would we have gotten the bathroom scene or would omega have been too worried about Steve? It would’ve shifted the focus from her to them two and she wouldn’t have had her moment. Writers need to shape their plot to fit the next scene, which is one of the harder parts of writing too.

Also, Steve didn’t know omega was pregnant at the time. Also, Steve was more concerned about his omega freezing to death so he had to prioritise her over doing anything to Bucky in that moment. Please understand that I consider what I’m writing and I realise what I need to give to you guys at what moment, and what I need to hold back on bc it’s better for the story as a whole! Please understand that anything given to you is intentional, just like anything held back is intentional too!

Apart from that, LMFAOOOO I’ve actually never had my heart broken! Sometimes I wish I did, because I feel like it would make my writing better! I’ve mentioned this before, but I love daydreaming about really really sad things—so writing all that is made easier bc I already make myself cry when I daydream about sad stuff lmfaooo (I realise this makes me sound unhinged af). But really, Steve himself is based on a lot of fuckboys I’ve spoken to or my friends have spoken to (not so much now, as I wouldn’t put myself through that now… but back when I was a teenager and didn’t know my worth and let assholes like that walk all over me! A lot of Steve’s gaslighting is a direct influence of IRL fuckboys!

[leviraaaaaa]

Letting go (Eren x female reader)

(I'm afraid it's a little cliche, it seemed much better in my head. Or maybe I just suck at writing. Oh well. I'm not really into Eren that much, but here's a random something.)

Eren's room was empty.

I knew so, I wasn't expecting anything else.

And yet, my heart hurt.

Eren escaped his cell today. Nobody knows where he is now, except the supposed yeagerists. The moment I heard the news, I bolted out of the room, all the way to the residential quarters and now here I am. 

I knew all too well he wouldn't be here but doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I know I shouldn't have left. It was an important meeting. I don't know why I did it. All I knew was that it was too much.

Talking about holding a search party to round up Eren like he's some low life criminal?

All too much

 I knew I had to get away from that suffocating room and so I did. Without thinking, without even processing, I found myself here. 

My safe space.

I stepped inside the dim, lifeless room. It was clear no one has been in here for months. The desk was dusty, the ceilings with webs. The bed was untouched, the sheets smooth, showing no signs that anyone has laid here recently. The only sound was my soft breathing and the tics of the clock hung on the wall, almost echoing in the silence. The sunlight barely came through the heavy curtains along the window, causing an odd contrast with the darkness of the room.

It felt omnious. Unfamiliar. Like I shouldn't be here. 

It's not like I have never been here. Because I have. Way more than anyone else probably ever had. We'd spent many hours together, in this very room. Sometimes as friends, sometimes as more than friends.

The room wasn't so unfriendly then. 

There were nights when I couldn't sleep. Those were the nights I'd always find myself back here, in front of this door. 

I'd never even had to make a sound, he always seemed to somehow sense I was there. Before I even raised my hand to knock, I'd find it open, with him standing before me. He'd step aside, silently gesturing me to come in.

("How did you even know I was here?" I'd ask.

"You're too damn loud" he'd grunt.)

I knew. He couldn't sleep either. The same memories that kept me awake at night, kept him up as well. So, I always ended up here, to the one person who'd always understand.

Some nights, I'd fall against his shoulders and cry my heart out, desperately clinging to him like I'm drowning and he's my anchor, the only thing that's keeping me afloat. He'd hold me against him, smoothing my hair, his chin resting on top of my head, just letting me fall apart. "I got you," he'd whisper sometimes, repeating it over and over until I calmed down. Because I knew. I knew he's got me. No matter what.

Some nights, we'd just lay together silently, without saying a word. Eyes locked, legs tangled, fingers entertwined. Finding peace in each other's soft inhales and exhales, until we fell asleep.

Some nights, we'd lean against the wall on his bed, soft whispers and hushed laughers filling the room. Sharing secrets and silly little gossips. We'd be so sleep-deprived and tired, to the point out head would be fuzzy and we'd just laugh about anything and everything.

( "Captain Levi should really check out his gut health, bro always looks constipated."

"Shut the fuck up," he'd let out a snort. "You should go and tell him that. You'll be the one getting constipation then.)

Some nights, we'd be a little bolder. One of us would lean their face too close and the other would reach in. Soft, light kisses until it turns to barely audible moans and breathy gasps, along with the creaks of the bed.

In the morning, we'd wake up and pretend like nothing happened. We'd go to the mess hall to eat breakfast separately, greeting each other good mornings. Sitting with our friends and having friendly little squabbles and leg-pulling.

No one knew about us.

I don't know why we hid it, but we just did.

It felt better this way.

Our little secret.

Until, it all went wrong.

I realized it. More before than anyone

I knew him too damn well to not notice the empty eyes and the tired smiles. How he started isolating himself, always stuck in his own head. Barely ever talking to anyone.

Barely ever talking to me.

I still spent nights in his room, because the loneliness sometimes got too much. Except it wasn't the same anymore. He'd let me lay beside him, but never faced me. 

He wouldn't even look me in the eye.

And in the morning, he'd be gone. I'd wake up in a cold and empty bed. I'd barely ever see him on the breakfast table either. He'd eat silently and be the first to leave.

All the signs. And I chose to ignore it all.

Never even bothering to ask him if he was okay.

When he first disappeared, I was scared out of my mind. The others had to quite literally drag me out of Marley, because I refused to leave without him.

And then the letters started coming. Each leaving me more confused than the other. 

Burning questions were on my mind.

Where were you?

What were you planning to do?

Until we received the final letter and that's when I realized, I couldn't keep lying to myself.

Not after this.

As I watched him destroy the city, killing hundreds of people, my heart tore.

Innocent people.

Children even.

Children like we were when Wall Maria fell.

I looked at his empty expression and realized.

He wasn't Eren anymore.

He was someone else.

Someone I didn't know.

So much has happened since then. So much pain in me, but I didn't have anyone to fall apart to me anymore.

It made me wonder if you needed someone to fall apart to.

It broke my heart that I couldn't be that person to you.

Now here I was, back here again, looking for a sanctuary. Somewhere to hide from the cruel reality outside the door. The room seemed to be glaring at me, threatening me to get out. It took me every bit of effort I had to plant my feet to the ground because all I wanted to do was turn around and run away. Because where do I go from here?

Where are you, Eren?

"I thought you might be in here."

My eyes widened.

I know that voice.

I swallowed as I turned around and saw the last face I had thought I'd see today.

"Eren."

My voice cracked. 

He was there. Standing on the doorstep.

His emerald green eyes glinting in the sunlight. He half-turned, closing the door, not before I saw the two soldiers guarding outside.

There was only us in the room now, face to face. I gazed at him, frozen in place, scared to even move. 

He didn't feel real.

Like he'd disappear if I even blinked.

I took him in, every bit of him. My eyes wide, my mind sending me warning signs, my heart wanting nothing more than just to touch him, just to confirm that he was actually here in front of me.

I haven't seen you for so long, Eren.

He was leaning against the door, hands in his pocket, his expression empty of any emotions. He had his hair up, but I could tell his hair got longer. A few stray strands were on his face, reaching his eyes.

His eyes.

Dark shadows clung under them, sunk deep in his face. The beautiful green flashed through his lashes. 

He looked tired.

So tired.

Why do you look so tired, Eren? 

I could only stare, my brain lost all capability of thinking rationally. I wondered if it'd be okay if I took a step forward. I wondered if he'd mind if I touched his face and ran my hands through his soft dark hair and pulled him down and kissed him. I wondered if I was dreaming.

My knees were weak, my head dizzy. I took a step backwards, trying to stabilize myself.

"Eren" 

I repeated his name, my voice barely audible. The sound felt unfamiliar as it echoed in the silence.

He gave no sign that he heard me. Just stared, unblinking.

What happened to you, Eren?

"Where have you been, Eren?" I whispered. My lips were chapped and my throat dry. My heart banged on my chest desperately, trying to find an escape from this small, suffocating room. My lungs screaming at me to take in some air cause I can't remember how long I've been holding my breath for.

Why are you looking at me like that, Eren? 

I took a sharp breath, my lungs contracting. The clock ticked off somewhere in the room, I can't really remember. It was vibrating through my blood, syncing with my heartbeat. I wanted to scream now.

 Stop looking at me like that, Eren. 

"Why are you here, Eren?" I asked him.

No response.

I wondered if the figure before me was just a figment of my imagination. 

I needed answers.

He wasn't giving them to me.

I was going to lose my mind.

Why won't you speak, Eren?

"Speak, Eren," I begged him, "Please."

Give me answers, God damnit.

"Speak!" I finally yelled out, losing my patience. The words rang across the silent room. I felt the heat pricking behind my eyes.

"Explain this to me. Talk to me. Tell me what the fuck has been going on!" 

Give me a reason. 

Give me anything.

Don't just stare at me like that.

Not a hint of emotions in those eyes. I wondered if this was his idea of tormenting me.

"I missed you," I whispered, my lips barely moving. The room seemed to be choking me now.  Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to get the tears back to where they came from. It hurt.

As his eyes met with mine once more, I realized with a tug of my heartstrings. 

There's no point talking to him.

He isn't Eren.

Not anymore.

Eren's eyes were never this empty.

Where's the spark in your eyes, Eren?

My chest heaved with unexplainable emotions, but my mind settled down. I was tired. I can't keep screaming at him anymore. It hurt too much.

I can't make him talk, not if he doesn't want to talk to me.

"What are you going to do, Eren?" I asked, tiredly. I wasn't even expecting an answer anymore at this point. I just don't know what else to do. I didn't have the energy to yell at him and as much as I wanted to smack him in the face, I didn't even have the energy to do that either.

He took a step towards me finally, walking towards me. Closer. Come closer. I wanted to beg him. I need to know you're real. He came closer, he was inches away now.

What do you want from me, Eren?

A hand touched the side of my face, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

Eren's hands, I realized. Rough, calloused hands.

I teared up.

Why?

What was wrong with him?

Why was I scared?

This isn't Eren. It can't be. 

I couldn't possibly ever be scared of Eren.

His other hand reached to cup the other side of my face, pulling my chin up.

His green eyes seemed to be burning mine.

"Talk to me, Eren," I said, broken words barely coming out of my lips. I reached my hand up, tracing my thumb along his jaw, moving the hair from his eyes. His expression tightened.

The first reaction I got out of him.

  I leaned in to him, his breath now caressing my face. 

"Talk to me,"

A small gasp escaped his lips,  his eyes widening. Cupping the back of my head with both of his hands, he pulled me up to him, closing the gap as he kissed me.

Just there.

Lips barely touching.

My heart may have stopped.

Are you real, Eren?

I grabbed his hair, pulling him closer to me, inhaling him in me, deepening the kiss. My lips telling him all that I was too scared to say out loud. 

Stay.

Stay with me.

Don't fade away.

I felt his small intakes of breath against my lips, as one of his hands slid down my back, the other wrapping around my shoulders. Slowly, almost cradling me, he lowered me onto the bed beneathe him until I was fully on my back. He was on top of me, hands and knees caging me in. Raising my head, I pulled on his neck, trying to pull his head down. To close the space. To feel his lips on mine again. To take him in.

Stay with me.

In this room.

Forever.

The world could go to hell.

My brain was empty. I couldn't think straight. A part of me was listing all the reasons why i shouldn't be under him right now. That part of me was drowned out by the part of me who wanted nothing but to taste him again.

I shouldn't be doing this.

But I want to.

His hands ran up my arms, pulling them up and pinning them up on the headboard. And he was kissing me again, his free hand grabbing my jaw firmly as his lips moved, just in perfect sync with my own.

But this was wrong. 

Something was wrong.

He felt wrong.

Everything was wrong.

The cold of something metal grazed my wrist.

Realization hit me. My eyes flew open and I pulled my face away. Yanking down my hands, trying to escape his grasp.

Too late.

It was too late.

The metal chains clinked as I looked up to see both my hands handcuffed and chained to the headboard.

When did he even pull them out? I thought as my mind panicked, struggling to free my hands. I felt a sharp pain through my wrist as the metal loop dug into my skin.

"I'd stay still if I were you," he finally spoke , his lips barely moving. "you might get hurt." 

I whipped my head to look down, he was staring at me with the same expressionless face. Angry tears rolled down my cheek.

This is what he came here for?

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I yelled under my breath. "What the fuck, Eren? What the hell is this supposed to mean?"

He sighed. Leaning in closer, resting his forehead on mine, eyes closed. His nose touching mine. His hands barely skimming down my sides.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I had to come see you. One last time." 

My heart pounded against my chest erratically.

What do you mean, Eren?

"I need you to stay here," he said quietly, "I need you to stay alive."

He opened his eyes, his lashes almost touching mine.

"Once I step out of this room, it's gonna be pure chaos. They'll be too busy trying to deal with me, no one would realize you're missing. And even if they do," he paused. "Who would think to search here?" 

No.

He was going to keep me chained here while he went off and did something terrible.

"What are you going to do, Eren?" I said, fear replacing the anger in my voice now.

His lashes fluttered.

"I'm going to cause the rumbling," His tired eyes. Empty.  "I will ruin the world."

A silence settled. My eyes wide with disbelief as they met his heavy half-lidded ones.

He's serious.

My heart panged.

No.

The air in the room disappears as I struggle to breathe. I couldn't believe what I just heard.

No.

"No," I said, shaking my head.

I looked down.

Shaking my head.

"No, you wouldn't," I repeated again, blankly.

I'm sleep-deprived and I'm imagining things.

"I have to protect the island. If I don't kill them, they're going to kill us,"

I shook my head again.

Please shut up, Eren.

Maybe if I pretended I didn't hear his words just now, it'd all go away.

I closed my eyes, shaking my head again.

He dragged his thumb over my lips, shushing me from repeating the words again.

"I don't have enough time," his voice strained. Finally showing emotions. His eyes wide with urgency. "Listen to me."

"No," I shook my head, getting angry now. Yet again, struggling fruitlessly against the restraints. "No, let me go Eren." I hissed as my wrists stinged. "Let me go damn it, I'm begging you."

"I can't" he breathed. "You're going to get in my way otherwise,"

I tilted my head, my eyes narrowing. "Yeah, no shit" I snarled. "What? Did you think I was just going to clap my hands and cheer on you, 'Jeez Eren, good job, let's burn the world together'? I won't let you do this!"

"I know. That's why you're tied up right now."

Rage rushed through my blood.

"What the hell are you thinking, Eren? Have you lost your damn mind?" I gaped at him. " What, is this your idea of peace? You can't fight fire with fire, that's not how it works! Killing everyone wouldn't solve shit. Can you just stop and calm down and think about what the hell you're doing? What you've been doing these past months? What you have done already?"  I yelled, my face heating up. I wanted to cry because of how helpless I felt. I was falling apart now, on the edge of losing the little sanity I had left in me.

He stayed silent.

"Why?" My voice cracked. "Tell me why. You have to tell me why. You need to tell me why you're doing this. Why is this the only way? Why can't you just shut up and think this out through for one damn second?" 

Talk to me, Eren. Tell me what's wrong. I can help you.

"You will be killing eldians too! Children who doesn't know shit about the world! How can you possibly think this is justified?" I cried out, his figure blurring because of the tears in my eyes.

He won't give me an answer.

Why won't you answer me, Eren?

"Tying me down is your solution? You think the others wouldn't fight back? You think they wouldn't try and stop you from commiting fucking genocide?"

"I know," His voice was so cold. "I know. All of you are a bunch of insane, righteous, stubborn fucks."

He paused. 

"They'll try to stop me," he closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair, his face twisted.

"And they'll probably die in the damn process."

I felt a shiver down my spine.

"What?"

"This has to be the way it goes. But I can't risk you. You have to be alive, no matter what,"

I couldn't believe his words.

"So it's okay if Mikasa and Armin die?" 

 I didn't understand. I didn't understand shit.

I don't understand what your saying Eren.

"No," he shook his head. "No. But they're my gamble. I need them for this. They're strong and skilled, they might survive. But you? I can't gamble you, I can't risk you. I can't have your blood on my hands too."

You aren't making any sense, Eren.

He slowly moved himself, standing up from the bed.

I was having a full-blown panic attack now. The chains were the only thing holding me back from dragging him back.

"Eren, Listen to me! We can still talk about this, figure out another way! It doesn't have to be like this! At this point, all of you are going to die!" I was desperate. I can't let him leave. I can't have this on my consciousness.

Don't do this Eren. 

Won't you listen to me?

He pinched his brows together. Slowly shaking his head, he responded, "There's no other way," he looked to me.

"Hate me, I don't care. As long as you're fucking breathing and unharmed, hate me all you want."

He said as he walked away, looking away. Leaving me there.

He took a step towards the door.

Closer.

Closer.

I lost this battle, I realized. I can't stop him.

He was reaching for the doorknob now.

Don't go, Eren.

He's going to leave.

Stay with me.

I don't have the power to stop him. He won't listen to me.

He's going to go out and unleash chaos.

And I'm going to be stuck here, helpless.

Will I ever see you again, Eren?

I opened my mouth, tears rolling down my cheek. This is my last chance.

"I love you,"

A broken sob racked my chest almost drowning out the words. "I'm sorry I never got to tell you. But I need you to know this, before you go."

My eyes locked onto his, as he froze. His lips parted.

There was a spark in his eyes.

What a beautiful shade of green.

Don't go Eren.

This wasn't how it was supposed to end.

Don't go.

He opened the door and stepped outside, leaving me alone in the room. I heard a click as the door locked.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I can't save you."

I gasped for air as I broke down. Mikasa and Armin's face flashing through my mind. Jean, Connie, all of them.

I remembered holding Sasha's limp body to my chest as she bled out on me. I remembered the thousand other comrades and friends I had to bury. I remembered Shiganshina.

Are you all going to die today?

I remembered 11 year old Eren telling me he was going to kill all the titans.

No.

We went through so much, survived through so much. All for us to end this way.

Am I going to lose all of you?

I can't save you, Eren.

I can't save you.