#i HATE my period bitch i will kill myself

[ocdisgusting]

The passive kill myself thoughts and feelings are just gonna be all day though huh

[bedforddanes75]

HI I AM SORRY I FORGOT TO REPLY TO THIS😓😓 anyway Convulsing and exploding and dying and creaming and dying and creaming a little more and dying OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HIS SMILE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[samwisefamgee]

family sucks :)

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Yo man, I like reading your posts and your thoughts. It inspires me.

There were a few questions that I asked anonymously, but reading everything you wrote, and thanks to you, I changed my attitude towards Killer as a character (to be honest, I hated him before, as well as his duo with Color). And also, like one anon person, I love Delta.

How do you do it, inspire and change opinions about characters?

I become obsessed about them and learn everything I can and then yap about it on the internet. /hj

Also a lot of killers story requires even a base level understanding in psychology and abuse and trauma, I feel. Especially things like prolonged intense coercion, and dissociative disorders, paired with severe CPTSD. And I love psychology so he quickly became a favorite of mine.

A lot of my fixation towards killer actually came from the fact that—no one could seem to understand or agree on things about killer’s canon story (which in large part is because a lot of killer’s canon was unfortunately deleted, including an entire ask blog.)

So i went looking myself, found what i could, shared it around everywhere i could reach—and then started doing research and analysis, and sharing those too.

But also from what I can see, the UTMV fandom back then was all really young—focusing more on black and white, “good” and “bad” morality. Creepypasta-esque. Instead of acknowledging Something New for the tragedy and psychological horror it is.

It was never as simple as “sans goes crazy and kills everyone” or “evil Chara possesses sans to kill everyone” or “sans gets bored and kills for fun.” It was all deliberate, pointed towards a goal—and sans completely lost himself until he became something so completely foreign and unrecognizable. which was all intentional.

and another thing I love about killer is that he’s definitely not a “perfect victim.” He was a victim sure, and he was made and taught to be this way, but it doesn’t change the fact that this victim has victims and he’s still an awful, shitty person. there are completely valid reasons to despise that bitch, and everyone is well within their rights to do so (Delta and Delta lovers deserve to punch killer and humble him ong) even as he attempts to work on himself and actually process his trauma that had been going for an unknown amount of time.

(which still fascinates me. there is a period of time in Chara and killer’s partnership that we are unlikely to ever see. we have no clue just how long they were together. killer himself probably isn’t sure—maybe they were always together.)

and color is an interesting piece of psychology too. I completely understand why he inspires hope in killer—hope that change is possible, that safety is possible, that something better out there can exist. that not everyone with power seeks to harm and control, that not everything is control or be controlled or kill or be killed, that some things do matter. that what he wants matters. that someone out there still cares about him, and unlike papyrus or the rest of the underground—is willing to fight for him, too.

(of course, papyrus was willing to die if it made sans happy. but he was never willing to fight to make sans happy, as far as killer can see.)

color has really lost everything and everyone in his attempts to save them. he fought and fought and fought—until as a last ditch effort, he makes a desperate choice. and it works, but it dooms him. only, it didn’t actually work, because the feeling of the Genocide route is coming back—and it’s happening again.

We can see this same exact thing with killer, too. Nightmare replaces Killers when they are killed or no longer useful. Color can see right through Killer—he knows he doesn’t actually want this life. He just doesn’t know anything different anymore.

And so Color spends so long trying to get Killer to admit to what he actually wants—and when he does, when Killer finally just admits he wants his old life back—his brother, his family, he wants to be Sans again. Color doesn’t tell him it’s likely impossible—instead he offers to help.

And when Killer asks Color to save him, Color takes to it loyally. It’s not hard to imagine that Color tried and failed to help save and protect many, many, many Killers.

And yet with each devastating failure, he keeps getting up and going and persevering. Because he has to, because it’s the right thing to do, because Killer asked him to, because Killer needs help, because he cares so much about Killer, because Color can’t leave him alone or forget about him the way he was forgotten. No one else is going to care enough to reach out and try with Killer—and Killer isn’t likely to trust anyone else who tries.

Even Color has to work hard to earn and maintain Killer’s trust. A single slip up could send Killer recoiling and snapping at any hand that attempts to touch him. So despite how desperately Color wants to save him, keep him safe, take care of him—he knows he needs to go at Killer’s pace.

He needs to be patient, and he needs to be consistent, and he needs to be open and as honest as possible—even if it’s hard, and he needs to be careful around Killer, too.

He can’t allow his emotions to drive him completely, to make him blind to Killer’s violence and apathy and manipulation and controlling behaviors—not only because for his own well being, but because Killer would definitely lose any respect he has for him if he thinks Color can’t see him for what he is. He can’t allow Killer to think that he is weak—someone easily trusting, or naive, or easily led and used and taken advantage of.

He has to maintain a balance between that, and just being himself—practicing what he preaches, because killer will notice; he is watching. Color’s goal isn’t to fix him, that’s something killer has to want for himself, he’s just here because he wants to help and Killer asked for the help he needs—even if Killer’s SOUL Stages make him have conflicting viewpoints and desires, if any at all. He has to show up for Killer consistently, show he isn’t trying to use or control him, and be true to himself.

Of course, the journey to actually getting there would likely be a struggle for them both, but they’re both determined enough to try, I think.

Anyway rant over. So that’s basically what I do; get curious, go digging and researching and get obsessed and then make my thoughts and interpretations everyone else’s problem.

{ @ferociousperson }

[rosemarycovet]

I fucking hate you,but I love you -Billy loomis x fem reader

summary:billy being toxic in general and being obsessive over you (reader already knows billy is one of the ghostface)

(y/n’s pov )

I was restocking shelfs when I heard stomps coming behind me it was Randy

and I just knew he was going to rant about Billy after Billy and Stu were taunting him“yo,why is leather face such a fucking dick” Randy said as he let out a groan referring to Billy as he leaned over the cashier counter

“he isn’t such a bad ass actually,he’s only here cause he ‘ran’ away cause some shit happened back home.he’s actually a dweeb” I said rambling and defending Billy with a shrug

“what happened?” Randy asked once again with a confused yet for some reason concerned look on his face

I immediately got quiet shrugging my shoulders

Randy just shrugged it off and started rambling about horror movie rules and how everyone is a suspect with all these kills going around when I felt someone eyes burning on the the back of my head

I quickly glance and see Billy glaring at me and randy as girls were trying to flirt an get his attention obviously failing as Billy kept staring at me

I just ignored it

later that night as I was doing my homework I heard tapping on my window I turn to my window seeing billy there

I get off of my bed opening my window for billy

“what are you doing here billy?”

I asked and he just shrugs

“I don’t know but if you need a reason..ten minutes can’t go past without you brushing my thoughts”

I looked at him a bit confused

Billy just stared dead at me

“seeing you with randy I don’t like that”

Billy randomly blurted out as he continued to stare at me

I just kept quiet not knowing what to say. Billy came to me grabbing my head gently and leaning my lips to his

he passionately kissed me and I kissed back I pulled him back to my bed with me and we continued making out

before Billy left he told me he didn’t want me talking to Randy anymore I didn’t think much of it but Billy probably had a good reason or he was probably just being possessive and jealous

the next day at school I was walking to second period when Randy came jogging to me trying to talk to me I just gave him a simple ‘yup’ and nodded my head to whatever he was saying when Stu came out of nowhere putting his arm around my shoulder and joked around with Randy

I walked into second period and then Billy walked in sitting next to me

the teacher was assigning partners and I just rolled my eyes in annoyance

that’s when I heard my name

“(y/n) and James”

I somewhat knew James he was one of the foot ball players I just never really paid attention to him though

James got up and walked towards me

the whole class I felt someone glaring daggers at me

James he wasn’t that bad of a partner but if I was being honest I would rather of had Billy as my partner

second period was over and I walked to the restroom when I felt someone yank my hand out to the back of the school

It was Billy and he looked mad

“why the fuck were you screwing around with Randy and other guys” Billy said angrily

“I wasn’t though” I augured back

Billy kept arguing about how I’ve been distance and let guys get to comfortable with me and argued back defending myself and telling him how he always lets girls throw themselves at him and that he’s the distance cold one not me

crazy how who makes me the happiest also makes me the saddest

Billy just kept yelling at me and trying to manipulate me

I had enough of arguing with him so I angrily walked away

I didn’t talk to Billy for the rest of the day

he was fucking with my emotions

Billy thought I turned to a bitch and it bothered me

a couple days later I was still mad at Billy

I laying down on my bed listening to music on my walk man closing my eyes when once again I heard tapping on my window

I already knew it was Billy but regardless I opened the window

I just glared at Billy as I let him in

there was an awkward silence when I finally spoke up “what do you want Billy” I said bluntly

“ you’re good at being perfect (y/n/n) and we’re good at being troubled”

I just stared at Billy as he continued talking

“you’re perfectly perfect for me cause when I hear your name I can not stop cheesing I love you so much that my heart starts beating when you leave” Billy said as his voice started raising and tensing

I continued glaring at him staying silent with and angry look on my face

“(y/n/n) i’m grieving and my heart is bleeding for you”

Billy said as he put his hand on my shoulder pulling me to his embrace

I looked up at him

“I fucking hate you” I said to Billy but we both know I didn’t mean it

“but I love you” we both said at the same tim

Billy kept holding me and spoke up once more

“Life with out you has no godamn meaning,sorry i’m passive aggressive for no god damn reason” Billy kept on rambling yet still meaning each word he meant

“(y/n/n) I love you i’m just bad at keeping my emotions bubbled,fuck i’m sorry,but if you ever consider leaving i’ll loose a couple screws in a due of time”

and I would know the real meaning of stalking he’s done it before

(flashback)

I just got done closing up the shop when a jock around my age kept flirting with me and offered to walk me home I really didn’t mind he had came to the store earlier that day asking me If I ever would consider going out with him I liked the attention considering I was single at the time.me and him walked past a dark alley when someone popped out of the dark and started stabbing the living crap out of the boy I was petrified that was my first ever encounter with ghost face It was like I was stuck in place having no control over myself I was frozen that had fucked up my evening but ghostface aka billy made sure I would never meet a guy like that jock again for christ sakes I couldn’t even remember that boys name

(end of flashback)

I never would’ve thought that Billy’s feelings could get thrown in the air like this

“even though I hate you I still love you” I said to billy and he just smirked at my remark

“I like when we hold hands” I blurted out and billy quickly held my hand laying as we laid down on my bed

“(y/n) I get jealous when I see you around guys that aren’t me and clearly want you and if I see that I might just kill him” I knew billy wasn’t lying when he said that

that night Billy held the living shit out of me promising that I would never leave him and he would never leave me

[midwestemoismid]

Do you ever love a character so much you sorta steal your entire personality from them,,

<autism rant>

Cuz like I'm obsessed with Nicole from class of '09, if sorta stolen my whole humor from her, Which isn't really a good thing because shes kinda a piece of shit, the game revolves around her being a horrible person or trying to kill herself or something like that, I'm not like as mentally ill as her, but my humor has evolved to be similar to Nicole and ive sorta had this not care attitude. I've also been really jokingly mean to one of my best friends (he knows its a joke, thats our humor) but I accidentally did that to my little brother and felt SO bad lmao,, (he said something very obviously and I loudly go "yeah no fucking shit bitch" then started apologizing profusely) This other time I was playing blooket w/ that same friend and I did something that made him eat a fake burger and I went really loud "have this fucking burger you fat ass bitch" and hje just stared at me like wtf,, and the other person on the call (who I just met) was SHOCKED.

i'm not a bad person,, hes okay with me making those jokes btw

well im sorta a bad person but i'm working on that

i sorta hate having obsessions over character because i want to BE THEM. and it sucks even more when theyre a horrible person--and when theyre a girl,, cuz like i want to de-transition and become a terrible person and chane my name to Nicole WHAT THE FUCK WHY I DONT KNOW and like i had an alt acc on tiktok where i used she/her and named myself nicole and it was like a class of 09 fanpage sorta. and like i dont wanna be a bad person nor do i wanna hurt people feelings or be addicted to drugs AT ALL but like NICOLE🙏🙏🙏

this always happens when i have some sort of obsession. i dont typically have favorites but when i do its like an obsession

and like one other problem with being obsessed with nicole is i accidentally obsess over mental illness and (stuff i shouldnt obsess over), wich is really bad and unhealthy.

I gain little obsessions over certain things, like right now im REALLY obsessed with a game called "bad parenting" and it's a really really sad game. I wont spoil it but its genuinelly depressing and made me cry. after i saw it i wanted to hug my dad and tell him i loved him for being a good dad. ive been listening to the backround song on repeat for a bit, i might even draw fanart of it idk,, but i feel like i shouldnt be hyper obsessed with it

as a kid i also was really obsessed with "salad fingers" wich had a sadish theme to it, i kinda forget the plot but i thought it was interesting and how the main charecter was kinda messed up.

I also really like "little miss fortune" wich was also really sad. again i dont remember the plot my childhood is sorta a blur and i dont remember it well

"Sally face" is another sad game i liked. not gonna spoilt it but i loved the supernatural bit and there was a lot of death.

I also really love horror movies, ESPECIALLY horror movies that go into psychology. Like for example, saw is pretty interesting because its cool to see if people would rather cut of an arm or die. I know it's fake but it's still really cool.

Theres a lot i find interesting but i dont wanna sound like im actually insane lol

This ran went in so many placed i forgot what the original post was about😭 took me abt 2 and 1/2 class period to wright

If you read this all, thanks! If you relate reblog or comment (or make a new post and tag me) and tell me what charecter you relate to/obsess over

[leonardalphachurch]

How do you see the timeline of rvb? Here's how I see it. 3 years of freelancer flashbacks, then after a year season 1, then after 3 months seasons 2 3 4 5, then after 18 months season 6, then after a month seasons 7 8, then after a month seasons 9 10, then after 6 months season 11, then after a month season 12, then after a month season 13, then after 10 months season 15, then after a year seasons 16 17. So between start of freelancer and end of 17 there's been 8 years. Thoughts?

i have a problem in that i want there to be a more substantial period of time between the moi crash and out of mind but i don’t want there to be that much time between the moi crash and season 1. but, like you said, season 4 (and therefore oom) happens a couple of months after season 1. the idea of york only bumming around for about a year just feels so wrong to me… like if i had it my way he’d have been chilling with delta for like 5? at least 3. because like. i feel like blood gulch should be a thing where so much happens in such a short period of time that it’s so so impactful to the characters (especially tucker who i’m ngl i kinda base the timeline around what works best for his character arc to me) but like… gah. i think a big part of the problem is that the pfl flashback arc just has a completely incomprehensible timeline. how much time takes place between scenes? man i’m getting myself worked up about 9 and 10 again lol. like if they didn’t retcon it, if alpha was just being stored at sidewinder for a while we could make that a longer period of time… like i guess he still could be but. hey like. why didn’t the meta just go. take alpha at the end of 10. like. he was right there. what was the… what was stopping him. could you. it get alpha out unless he wanted it? is that why tex left him? i don’t know man. i hate that they were in a spaceship. 9 and 10 feel so like. dreamlike? ephemeral? nothing feels grounded. i guess it does work as them being memories. they feel like memories. disconnected sequences of important events.

what were we talking about. oh right the timeline. yeah yours works. we give 2-3 months between 6 and 7 since season 6 is 1 year after the war and the season 7 trailer says it’s 1.25 years after the war. and season 6 is probably like a couple weeks to a month? did you know valhalla and high ground (the place church was) have to be like. incredibly close to each other. because wash gets south’s recovery beacon and is able to get to her from valhalla to high ground before the meta is able to kill her. that’s so fucked up. tex literally crashed like 30 minutes from where church was. ugh. anyway we give around 3 months between 8 and 9/10. one month just feels too short for them to run from the law, find new bases, have blues establish some kind of routine wrt wash, and then have carolina show up and then do a whole adventure to find and break into the unsc storage facility to save epsilon. but i don’t know if it’s a full 6 months to season 11… maybe like 4? there’s some amount of legal bureaucratic nonsense they have to deal with, and they are on chorus for an amount of time before we meet them in season 11… 6 months just feels a bit too long for tucker and wash’s dynamic if that makes sense? like they’re clearly closer than they were in 10 but there’s still a wall there and even if wash is being kind of a bitch i still feel like. that amount of time of just chilling together would change tuckers time a little bit from the “all i have is you” thing… like if we say there’s ~three months worth of legal bs to deal with and then ~a month of crashing on chorus and establishing themselves at the crash site like. that to me feels like the amount of time that would establish wash and tuckers relationship to where it is. though i guess you also do have much less time after season 8 so they presumably have zero relationship development to you during that time. which i don’t think doesn’t make sense we don’t exactly see them interacting during 10. oh i definitely put a few months between 12 and 13 though. like they seem really established there, and the space pirates are like. genuinely kind of losing at this point. which is why locus and felix go recruit the prisoner ship. the others i’m less sure on but i do think there’s a larger timeskip than a month there. maybe even between 11 and 12 too but i won’t die on that hill. and then obviously the 15-17 timeskips are actually told to us lol

wow i fucking. rambled huh. tl;dr decent timeline. i actively disagree with the amount of time between 6-7 and 12-13 but everything else is small discrepancies i won’t die to defend. well i won’t die to defend any of this. it doesn’t matter that much.

[firerose18991]

Batman the Doom that came to Gotham

"Review"

Never read the books that accompanied this movie but its made good

Spoilers below cut

Standouts:

1. Sanjay Tawde

Voiced by Karan Brar from Jessie. Literally brought me back. I love that such a simple change to the character made me so happy evey time I saw him on screen. Like its Jason but its also Karan. I loved the little details they put into him. He's always reading, you can tell he's been lectured about his foul mouth by all the stand-ins he has for actual cuss words. He's happy-go-lucky former street rat Jay Jay. More from him in the future I beg.

2. Brucie

This movie is a stone throw away from hitting all of the baby girl marks for Bruce Wayne. Very not okay mentally. Very scrumply umply. Very much loving life with his babies🥺. He's a dramatic bitch, I could not be more proud. (Very in love with Harvey) like he would've been so happy on the high seas with his little family.

Also love an old timey batman. Like bruce shouldn't exist in any other time period after watching this.

3. Ollie

Very bimbo, very drunk, very he would flash his titties if he had them(and you know they're bright pink and pretty)

Ollie being a drunk will always be my favorite Ollie. He's serious when he needs to be but I'm glad we didn't get too much of that as it detracts from his beauty.💅🏿

Now about the the actual movie:

I remember going into this movie saying to myself they better not kill my babies and what the f*** did they do. Like after a certain point in the movie I didn't know what was going to happen. I enjoyed every crazy ass turn they took. I love what they did for the Cassandra (Kai Li)of that universe too. All the characters were their same weird freaky selves in different fonts, I hope they make something like this again😭 (I'm probably going to edit and add to this post cause I'm fresh out and still processing oml)

Honorable mentions

Yo I feel like Alfred was based off peppermint butler. Mans was un bothered.

Cracking myself open for Talia as we speak.

Ra's Al Ghul kinda a bitch in this, like Ra's is normally selfish/self serving and he was resurecting fucking starro or sum shit

I love not having to hate harvey

This is a must watch the only thing they could've done differently is releases this on Halloween. This was good enough for theaters even.

[kwilooo]

It was decided that I would assign [a few] quotes from my quote book to characters, so lets start with my characterization of these ones :3

John-

“I’ve run out of bones to break.”

“I was a very gay child.”

“We have already established this, I am dying at 24.”

“You’re grabbing them with a hook and dragging them across the bridge, whether they’re kicking and screaming or going willingly.”

“I’m bored, lets to kidnap and murder someone.” (+ Alex)

“I was wishing death upon my child to cardiac arrest.”

“You either give your pain to your grandmother, or tap dance.”

“I hate myself.” -John, “High five!” -Meade

Alex-

“The weight of mars is 69 litres.”

“I suck on the youngest form, I like them before they’re ripe.”

“We’re celebrating the death of our mental states.”

“If the labour isn’t producing, get rid of it.”

“You can be burning at the stake and I’ll be laughing!”

“It’s like a mental asylum, we pass notes and then I eat it to get rid of the evidence. I’ve eaten every note you’ve given me.”

“I’ve been torturing kids since I was 16. I torture them 5 to 7 daily.”

“You go girl. I booted that bitch a long time ago.”

“Can I take your nail bones real quick?”

“Look at a founding father and say ‘fuck off!’” (to Washington ;))

“Math puts me in the mood for war crimes.”

“I dont have a strangling kink! I swear!”

Lafayette-

“Imagine being an egg yolk. - Lafayette

“JESUS IS SPICY???”

“I apologize for your deformities but i will do nothing about it.”

“How do you know what grandmas taste like?”

“My arms are my legs. neigh.”

“Spontaneous combustion is my favourite type.”

“When im ready, you’ll come out of the closet.”

“I’m going to periodically feed you starbust.”

“I have a sudden urge to log roll everywhere and knock everyone over.”

“Time to go marinate. think of yourself as teriyaki.”

Meade-

“When the lesbians jump, you know the beans are good.”

“If you had a coconut, would you use it on the soap?”

‘good enough. its beautiful right?’ “that’s what i say about my life.”

“A few dozen microbes in the atlantic ocean need your help.”

“Kindly, shut up.”

“I don’t particularly enjoy being growled at.”

“If you’re depressed, don’t be.”

“We’ll exterminate your bitches.”

“Traditionally, bullying doesn’t require consent.”

“Don’t kill yourself that would be ironic.”

Washington-

“By the looks of it, essays [correspondence] is traumatizing for all of you. i will look into bringing in a therapist, we will have family therapy.”

“Stop throwing the emotional support pickles!!”

[wizardpink]

Oh I just had a breakthrough as to why I watch s2e5 and cannot be mad at Armand for how he reacted to Louis.

Louis and Lestat's argument style was to scream at each other and say whatever god awful shit came into their heads and sometimes even put hands on each other. But Armand can only take so much of that kind of thing before he folds in on himself and either has to disassociate or break down crying, and not in the "crying while screaming and fighting" kind of way but in the "crying like the world is ending and I'm going to die" kind of way.

Louis heads it off by pointing it out in the big fight they have. He also stops screaming quite so loudly after "decades with you," and Armand snaps back in and the argument continues. Even Louis is shocked by how effectively Armand fights back this time, and I have to believe it's because most of their other fights would have ended when Armand got the "apocalyptic look" and either clammed up or broke down.

My last relationship was so toxic and abusive without me even knowing until it was over, and she would fight like Louis fights, loud and mean and scorched earth, expecting me to give it right back and let things go back to normal after it was done rather than internalize all the things she said. But I don't scream or say things off the cuff, or just to be mean. I don't respond to that kind of thing, I just shut down or break down. And she HATED that, and it would just provoke her to get even angrier and nastier ("my daddy groomed me into a little BITCH").

She was also the type to weaponize threats of suicide, something that kept me in that relationship for years longer than I wanted to be. There were periods of time where I had resigned myself to being miserable with her because I thought it was either that or being responsible for her death.

So to read people say things like "Armand tortured Louis by withholding his blood or not putting him in his coffin," ugh that is so triggering to me. Obviously the situations are different because Louis actually went through with his suicide attempt. But people watching Louis bring Daniel back to his apartment where he fucks guys that aren't Armand, stuff Daniel full of drugs and then drink his laced blood just before sunrise, lash out at Armand for being nagging, boring, etc, scream at Armand that the ten hours spent talking about Lestat were more exciting than 2.5 decades with him, get annoyed when Armand wont sink to his level, throw Armand's history of childhood sexual assault back in his face, try to kill himself when he bites off more than he can chew, and try to say he's sorry and beg for comfort afterwards????? You think Armand is in the wrong for not weeping at his bedside or draining his veins trying to heal him? Fuck him.

Like it's really hard to be unbiased watching that. Armand should have just left after Louis went up to the roof. Of course he wouldn't and couldn't, just like I wouldn't and couldn't, but god I wish I were the type of person who could.

[waterfreshner]

DONT JUDGE ME I FOUND THIS IN MY DRAFTS DONT TAKE JT SERIOUSLY

Background:

You and Miguel had a son two years ago after getting married. An accident happened, and Vulture 2099 killed him as an infant. It devastated you, but it hit Miguel harder since it was the second time he lost a kid. The only thing keeping you together was caring for your husband, channeling your maternal energies into making sure he was doing well and wasn't entirely swallowed by grief. Now you have gotten into a new rhythm and went out to your anniversary dinner, and now you have broken the news to Miguel…….. Your period is two weeks late, and you just took a pregnancy test.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

“I'm home!” I shouted down the hall, throwing my keys on the counter.

“I'm in here!” he replied from the bedroom.

I entered the room to find him lounging on the bed in his regular civilian clothes. He didn't have many days off, and I came home early just to spend time with him since I rarely got to cuddle with my husband, wear sweatpants, watch telenovelas, and eat snacks.

“What's up? How's your day been?” he asks as I collapse on the bed

“It was a day,” I sigh, rubbing my temple. “Susan was a bitch again today, and of course, nobody did anything to help.”

I move next to Miguel, and he puts his arm around my shoulder. “I am glad to be home with you,” I say, smiling at him

I look at Miguel and see how relaxed he is; his hair is unkempt, and his dark circles aren't as prominent as they used to be. He looks good like this, domestic and happy. I hate knowing that this will probably change soon the second I show him the pregnancy test hidden in my purse.

“I’m glad you're home too,” Miguel says before kissing me on the forehead. I zone out, staring at my wallet, until I hear Miguel talking to me gently

“¿Qué ocurre?’ he asked, looking at me worriedly.

“I'm fine,” I groan as I stand up.

I couldn't keep this from him; he deserves to know. I seemed to leave my body as I watched myself slowly stand up from the bed and walk to my purse while Miguel moved his attention back to his show. Time seemed to slow as I grabbed the test and sat back down.

“What did you get me?” Miguel inquires, sitting up and looking at me.

I take a deep breath and try to map out what I'm going to say. It should be short and sweet, easy and simple.

“I'm pregnant,” I mutter under my breath, not truly believing the words myself.

“What?” Miguel says, looking at the test with a puzzled expression.

“I'm pregnant,” I repeat louder, pointing at the two lines on the test.

For a moment, I thought I had broken Miguel. He stared at the test for almost a full minute before saying anything.

“Are you sure?” he asks quietly.

“I'm pretty sure I took three pregnancy tests, and all of them were positive,” I responded gently.

“Have you scheduled any appointments yet to see how far along you are?” he says, finally setting the test down.

“Not yet,” I answer, sitting down, trying to gauge how well he is taking this.

“Do you want to try again?” he turns to face me, gently taking my hand and scanning my face for any sign of uncertainty or grief.

“I think so,” I respond quietly, squeezing his hand slightly

“Ok then,” he says before picking up his phone, immediately making an appointment at the nearest clinic, and then setting his phone back down.

Neither of us knew what to say or how to respond. We just sat there hugging and staring at the positive test with doubt, wondering if we were ready to be parents again after the loss of our son (INSERT BABY NAME HERE). The rest of the evening, we were in some kind of denial. We went about our everyday routine as if nothing had happened, except I noticed Miguel was being more careful around me. He moved me out of the way of bumping into things and told me to sit down because I'd been standing for “so long.” Even though I was only on my feet for 15 minutes, he wouldn't even let me help cut vegetables for dinner.

“Miguel, I'm not made of glass,” I say exasperatedly. I'm pregnant.”

“hi, pregnant. I'm Dad,” he says with a shit-eating grin before doing a little dance, aka hitting the griddy because he is a silly goose on the loose, and he desires to choke slam fifteen-year-olds into trains and tell them they are a mistake. 😀

[sharkiiv]

issues again. sigh.

UGHHHH I fucking hate being autistic. The girl I like has been such a fucking bitch recently! She's been a total asshole! She was saying that feminists are toxic and bad and being so rude. She kept hitting me with a pom pom after I just had a shitty ass period (yk like we have 8 periods a school day), almost throwing up and crying. I was like so pissed. I was obviously upset and she just didn't care! It feels like she's ignoring me and like avoiding me. I seriously need to stop loving people who hurt me. I can't tell if she's joking or not.

I was like seriously saying I was gonna kill myself because it's been on my mind. I can't do this. She looked up for a split second then looked back down. LIKE BITCH I WILL DO IT IM NOT AFRAID.

ughhhhhh I hate my life. Might be moving soon honestly. I'm not gonna last another year.

[patricks-hockstetters-lighter]

How to Survive Picture day

oc story warnings: swearing, bullying (nothing to harsh), Patricks in here so he's your warning I'm dyslexic so sorry for the horrid grammar

ring ring ring *wake up* ring ring ring *wake up* ring ring ri- The normal sudden ringing that fills Bethany's room before she wakes up is silenced causing her to stir and roll onto her back. She wipes her hands over her face before groggily opening her eyes only to be jump scared by her moms face hanging over her. "morning sunshine, its picture day.~" Those words made a chill go down her spine, Bethany hated picture day. she was always forced into some stupid preppy outfit and pressured to smile into some dumb camera just so her parents could PAY for a photo of their own daughter. how stupid. What she hated most was the fact her brother Belch could wear whatever he wanted but she had to dress up. "come on honey you've got to see the outfit me and your father picked out its adorable" with that Bethany sits up. her eyes searching for todays tool of torture….. the collard shirt. She dramatically groans as she sees the outfit, all laid out on her messy desk she never uses. Its a white button up with a grey and blue sweater vest that looks like it belongs to some nerd her and the rest of the gang make fun of at school.paired with a blue plaid skirt and knee high grey socks. "god what a drag" she thinks to herself.

"are you going to get up or am I going to have to dress you myself" Bethany rolls her eyes. "yes mom I'm up now go bother reggie" After some blabbering about respect from her mom she eventually leaves and Bethany begrudgingly puts on the outfit, and does her own hair and makeup. if she's gonna have to look like a nerd she's gonna do it her way. she walks over to her desk, looking into the mirror propped up against her wall with a sigh. "could be worse-" is all that she gets out before a yell comes from downstairs. "Beth get your ass down here we gotta go!" The gruff voice of her brother yells out.

"COMING!" She yells out annoyed before grabbing her bag and headphones and jogging downstairs. After some goodbyes to her parents as a response to all the "oh my precious little angel"s from her dad she jogs outside after sliding on her converse.

A whistle comes from her brothers blue trans AM. "wow looking good short stack"Henry chirps sarcastically.

"where'd ya pick that getup from?" vic joins in. Bethany flips them all off before sliding into the back as she always does because Patrick refuses to get out to let her in (he always sits on the side she has to get in so she has no choice but to slide against him) any other way.

after a long torturous ride to school because of the boys teasing they all spill out and enter the school, although she isn't really sure why they bother coming its not like they stick around for classes. as she walks through the hallway she gets a few looks from the other kids but none dare to say anything because they know they'll get a right beating from her "big brother". she makes it to her locker and opens the door before it slams shut infant of her. "why isn't it Bethany bitch face" the annoying voice of Greta Keene drawls. "haha real original Greta" Bethany says sarcastically knowing greta can't do anything but cuss her put cause of she touched her one of the boys would fuck her up. "nice outfit whore, your mommy buy it"Greta laughs as her little goons join in. "better than all that" Bethany snickers motioning to the entirety of Greta. Greta huffs and is about to retort until she see's your brothers little crew walk over. "hey hot stuff, wanna skip 3rd period with us" Patrick practically purs out. "can't that's when I'm getting pictures done" Bethany groans as she grabs some stuff from her locker, her back towards the group of boys. "oh come on just do it on the redo day stop being a pussy" Henry says. "love to, but can't my mom would kill me, bowers" "oh what would you do if you ever disobeyed mommy~" Henry says teasingly. "I mean just look at this outfit." Patrick chimes in with a laugh"I think its nice. just look at these hips~" he drawls as his hands rest on her hips before sliding his arms around her waist and pulling her into him. "ugh fuck off Patrick im not in the mood" Beth barks out. "you were in the mood back in 8th grade~" Patrick protests. "that was ONE TIME get over it" she wriggles out of his grasp as he frowns, but before he gets a chance to say anything belch chimes in. "better get to class shrimp" he adds before tussling her hair and walking off with his friends.

After they walk off she sighs and closes her locker before turning only to become face to face with possibly the worst (or best) person to run into in this situation Honey Wilson The schools resident crybaby. "HEY BETH!" she yells out as she smiles sweetly. "thought I told you not to call me that" "well yeah but I saw you and Patrick and how Patrick grabbed you so thought id come over. I mean yeah he's a bit of a perv and sometimes a bit grabby but im sure at heart he's a kind soul who's just lonely. he comes on a little strong but- blah blah blah" Thats all Bethany hears as she tunes Honey out, walking through the halls as Honey goes on and on. "yeah I know what pats like I've known him for years, but he's just so hung up about that little makeout sesh. I mean like dude you PAYED me to do that and like yeah I shouldn't sell myself out like that but 25 bucks is 25 bucks" Beth grumbles.

"… why would he pay for kisses, shouldn't kisses be free?"Honey says confused.

suddenly a familiar chuckle comes from behind them…. its Pat. "oh they defiantly should be~ why don't you give me a little kiss right now to heal my cold heart, crybaby~" He purs in her ear as he circles around her stopping infant of her and leaning over. "OF COURSE! everyone deserves kisses." "Honey no. that's not what he mea-"Beth gets cut off by honeys sweet voice. "hope you feel better Patrick" she smiles before kissing his cheek. "anyway I better be off to class bye bye Beth!" she says before waving and prancing down the hall while humming. "that's…. not exactly what I meant" Patrick says slightly annoyed slightly amused. "that's what you get for being a perv" Beth glares. "you know you love me, sugar tits~" Patrick laughs.

after third period and after the photos Bethany sits outside of the school smoking and listening to music oh the walkman belch bought her for her birthday when she hears a familiar voice yell out. "BETH!" Honey yells out before running over. a worried look on her face. "you shouldn't be out here class is still going on! and smokings bad for you!" she yammers on about danger and health shit before bath cuts her off.

"ive had a boring, shitty day I need some me time" She hums before sitting up. "oh well….. ya know I think you look nice today" Honey smiles as she speaks…. god she always smiles. unless she's sobbing that is. "yeah yeah I know it sucks don't have to rub it in" "no really. you look pretty today Beth"Honeys voice is just like her name… like honey. "yeah whatever fuck off" Beth reply before standing up and throwing her cig at Honeys feet before walking off. doing her best to hide the smile growing on her face.

[mysteriouswolf]

Hey, I usually don't make posts like this but I just need some advice.

TW: Vent- IF THAT STUFF TRIGGERS YOU, PLEASE DON'T READ THIS!! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!!!

So I've dealt with horrific anxiety and depression my whole life, this isn't anything new. But I can just- I can feel myself slipping again. Slipping faster than I can handle. I just hate myself so goddamn much- it's like I can't take myself anymore. Now I have a lot of issues with my mom, but I have to see her everyday, but because of the things she's said to me before "you're a disappointment, you're a fucking bitch, etc" multiple times, screaming, I can't get them out of my head. I believe them so much I don't know how to stop. And with exams coming up I can't focus in class for review and I keep having horrific anxiety attacks. Does anyone just have any advice on stuff that can help, or even just something I can do to make things a bit more manageable?

It sucks too, because my mom isn't doing anything specific right now, but because of all she's done (I'm not going to get into it- emotional abuse, etc) I just hate her sometimes so much. Like, I love her cause she's my mom, but I hate her. I want to tell her what she's done to me, and make her feel bad, and I hate that I think that because I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to be like that. Why do I keep thinking about it if I'm a good person? I just...it just hurts.

And just so everyone knows, I'm not going to self harm, kill myself, or anything like that. I promise. I know how bad that stuff is, and I have people that I'm promising myself to stay here for. I'll be okay. It's just a rough period right now.

[noa-de-cajou]

Yavana belongs to @thal-ent

_________

There’s something kinda mind blowing about standing in the bathroom of a church, a pharmacy paper bag in hand, with your best friend tapping his foot nervously and your best friend’s girlfriend staring at you with complete and utter confusion. What a life we live.

“So… Um… Why are we here?” Yavana asks, hesitantly.

“Because this is the only place I can do this. No way I'm doing this at uni, or at home, or at Bazyli's.”

“Do what?”

Urgh. I hate this.

“My period’s two weeks late, there’s no way I'm taking a test at home or at uni or at Bazyli's, and you're the only people I can bring along.”

They gawk. I expected no less. Bazyli raises a hand, dumbfounded, clearly trying to process everything I just blabbered.

“Wait. Wait. Hold on. So you chose… a church of all places?”

“I’m not doing this in a public bathroom, I have standards.”

He raises a doubtful eyebrow. Hey, sure, I've done other things in public bathrooms that were not meant to be done in public bathrooms, but that doesn't mean I can just… Urgh.

“So what you’re saying is… you might be pregnant,” Yavana articulates slowly, squinting in disbelief.

No shit, what do you think a late period means-

No. This is Yavana. And I’m already intruding at her workplace for something less than catholic.

“Yeah.”

I'm not sure if I want to know. But I kinda have to, don’t I?

“And what do you need us for?”

“Support.”

Bazyli scratches the back of his neck.

“So we just stand outside the door while you pee?”

“Mostly. Is that too much for you? Do you need a chair and little biscuits? Tea maybe?”

Dammit. I shouldn’t behave like that. He could have just walked out and left by now, but he hasn't, and here I am being a bitch. I just don’t want them to see how sweaty my palms are or that I'm holding my crutch way too tight.

“Nah, we can do that. Yav, are you okay with it?”

“Um, sure. I just never took a pregnancy test before, so I'm not sure if I'll be of much help.”

“Don't worry about that. Bronya, have you taken a test before?”

“Yeah. Once.”

In high school. Negative. And I took a morning after pill a bunch of times. Still remember the face of some pharmacists, how they looked at my tattoos and my clothes, the judgement in their gaze when they realized how young I was, too young to be such a whore.

Mom doesn't even know half of it. It's probably for the better.

“Okay. Want me to read the notice for you?”

“I’m not five, I’ll read it myself, thank you very much.”

I pause. Come on, Bronya. He’s being considerate here, not condescending.

“But thanks. For asking.”

His expression goes from troubled to straight-up worried. Great. That’s what I get for thanking people once every blue moon, I guess. I don’t know how to face that kind of eyes so I just go into the toilet with the test and lock the door.

“You drank enough today, I hope! Otherwise you won't have enough piss to tell!” Bazyli shouts from behind the door.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Yes, I have! God, could you be more embarassing?!”

“Easily. Want me to demonstrate?”

“Bazy, aren’t you being a little-”

“Don’t worry, Yav, she loves me.”

I do, that's probably the worst part. Anyways, pants off, I guess. And then squat above the toilet like a true slav. Ha, ha. More like shaking like a true motherfucker.

“... Could you guys talk to me? About, like, anything. I need a distraction.”

“Sure! So, who’s the father?”

… What else was I expecting from him, exactly?

“I don't know.”

And it’s true. I don't know. How ironic. There was a time I could fuck ten different people in the same month and never had a single pregnancy scare, and now… now I'm in a relationship with two men and technically they could both be the father. And I have no idea how they’d react. Shit. Is this a pipeline? The slut to polyamorous pipeline?

“You don't- oh my god that means you fucked them without protection. Both of them. Girl. One of your boyfriends’ a volunteer at Planned Parenthood and you didn't use condoms??”

I’m going to kill that fucker. I’m going to kill him because he’s actually doing exactly what I asked, making me angry about something so I don’t think too hard about the little plastic stick in my hand.

“Both our tests came back clean, I'm on the pill, am I allowed to have a latex-free dick in me once in a while or is that too much to ask??”

There's a snort behind the door, followed by a little oh no, sorry, and I snicker. At least Yavana thinks I'm funny.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a big girl, but still-”

“Stop talking to me like you've always taken your damn pill on time, Zielinska, I will fucking end you.”

“You know I've stopped taking it!”

“Did Zuza scold you?” Yavana asks with an amused voice.

“Nah. She just asked if I wanted an IUD. I'm still thinking about it.”

“I should have gotten one,” I mumble.

Or should I have? I don’t know. I’ve always wanted a kid, but…

“Bronya! Did you pee yourself laughing yet?”

… Well I sure as hell did now, you bastard. And he heard me laugh too, because he starts cackling harder. Even Yavana can barely contain herself.

“I’m always your guy if you need to pee on pregnancy tests!”

“Oh my god, s-stop-”

“You're the worst, Bazyli,” I say, but I sound too grateful.

I put my pants back on and I wait as Bazyli keeps spouting random bullshit to keep me distracted. It quickly becomes background noise. There’s too many thoughts in there.

I’m twenty-two, going on twenty-three. I have to work retail to make ends meet and I still live at my mom’s. I’m finally close to getting this godforsaken law degree she wanted me to have so much. She's always told me about how having a kid too young can just fuck up your whole life, and she'd know. I’m disabled and it’s hard to move around on my own. Can you imagine with a kid?

And more importantly, I don’t know what kind of face Milosz and Louis would make, if they knew. They both have their whole future ahead of them. Hell, so do I, I still want to be a tattoo artist. I can't just-

“Hey, Bronya? It should be done by now.”

Yeah. It should be.

His voice is too gentle. It’s grating.

Let's get this over with.

I take the stick.

…

“Bronya?”

Two lines.

Two fucking blue lines.

I start laughing. I don't know why. I sound fucking hysterical.

From behind the door, Bazyli clears his throat.

“I guess that means no smoke breaks for you anymore, huh.”

I nearly fall against the sink in laughter. Fuck, this is actually hilarious. It shouldn’t be.

My mom is going to fucking kill me.

My boyfriends might actually be mad.

I’m ruining my life. This is terrible news. This should be terrible news.

So then, why can’t I stop smiling?

[ragingstillness2]

I fucking hate life so much today

I fucking hate that I have become such a bullshit mature person. Everything inside me is screaming, I don’t even know which word to use for it because it’s all super loud and constant and I can’t think properly. And yet I’m making no fucking sound. I politely told my partner to not talk to me (though I’m sure he didn’t find “my tone” polite, but I promise you I had a level, normal volume voice and I literally just said “please don’t talk to me” -but no, this tone is never good enough, just like the rest of me).

I just wanna lash out and be a huge bitch about it, and scream and shout and break things, worthy of all the hatred and pain I’m feeling. But the true worth lies in the fact that I’m allowing myself no outlet -too afraid to be disliked by anyone around me, even by the people I actually hate, so I’m punishing myself by staying silent. And yet again, I’m letting all of this sit and set and fester and grow. As I know all so well how to do.

My own personal hell.

This is the period -months, years- where I despise myself the most. What a weak, pathetic person have I become. Can’t even self-destruct properly. Somebody please kill me. But what am I saying, besides the fact that nobody cares and nobody will read this, nobody would do me this kindness. Cause all I deserve is the bottom of the cesspool. And death is the ultimate freedom.

I bet my future therapist would be so proud of me. Fuck that bitch, what the fuck does she know?