#how do you deal with addiction
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I'm having severe pd withdrawal symptoms
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yuuta exhibits such previously abandoned, recently adopted dog behavior. incredibly anxious all the time, even though nobody’s out to get him or leave him behind. waits for you to return home or from school or from work excitedly, just to see you when you walk through the door. follows you around senselessly, hovering in your space just for the sake of companionship. initiates affection in prodding ways—starts off next to you, then a hand on your thigh, then deems it safe to lay all the way down, then slowly pushes his head into your lap. gets up whenever you need to get up, and resumes his position as soon as you’re ready. brings you gifts as a sign that he’s thinking of you, and maybe because he likes the affection it brings out in you, maybe because he likes the gentle affirming touches of a hand in his hair or a pinch to his cheek. rests his head on your stomach or his chin on your shoulder when he’s sleepy, stays there, immobile, and will not move unless absolutely necessary. sometimes he gets surprised when he hears you calling for him, there’s a moment of disbelief as he thinks “me? really? you need me?” but it’s very quickly overshadowed by this compulsive need to show up, to please, to do anything for you, which is why he always answers when you call. he doesn’t realize that he has puppygod eyes, especially when he’s excited or confused, but he does and it’s incredible endearing. very reluctant to share your space or attention after a while, considers that to be sacred and he won’t risk being let go or lost again, so as a safety precaution, he keeps himself right by you, waits for you always.
#atp i need to shut and write the omega verse fics that consistency plague my mind#but while im here time for my obligatory megumi mention bc i mentioned dogs teehee#yes megumi attack dog hes megumi grumbly yes megumi bark bark bite bite BUT BUT BUTTTT#megumi is also used to like... hm........ taming? having? caring for? people in his life and also literal (divine) dogs#so for him yes he bites and barks#but he also... he gets confused if YOU dont follow him around like a puppy bc everyone else in his life has so why not you?#gojo's always been the annoying yapping pomeranian chewing on his arm even if he didn't ask#always in megumi's space even tho he didn't ask but he learned to deal with it#won't admit it but knows that too much attention is better than having someone who couldn't give a shit about you#yuuji is the golden in everybody's life and megumi is no exception#unmovable unshakeable and incredibly addictive even if he doesn't mean to be#and very very attached to the people he cares about so yeah yuuji is loud and annoying but he's also loyal and megumi respects that so fine#nobara is like... she decided she liked megumi and was upset about it so she bit his ankle and he tried to kick her off but she has too muc#pride to get shaken off by someone as scrawny as megumi and somewhere along the way megumi became impressed that she was still there even i#it hurt a bit and she was a little rough it's not like he was worse so fine whatever she can stay too#so if you like... if you dont hover around megumi if you dont pry if you dont prod then he has to be the dog smh#now he's gotta bite for your attention and nudge you and how annoying. he's gonna keep doing it tho. as long as he has to#or until you learn to fall in line and accept your leash too whichever comes first n e way.... anyway.............#somebody's pampered omega always gets what he wants megumi complex is showing......#this was about yuuta right? ok i'll put his tags now....#juju#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk x reader#jjk smut#jjk fluff#jujutsu kaisen x reader#yuuta okkotsu x reader#yuta okkotsu x reader
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Coffee addict Never sleeps Tim drake ❌
Solving cases in his sleep off 87 energy drinks Tim Drake ✅
The coffee addict never sleeps perpetually tired Tim Drake thing is a widely accepted headcanon however that was elementary school tim but after he stayed up for a week straight subsisting entirely on coffee to decipher the bat weekly patrol schedule and how it aligns with rogue attacks/Arkham breakouts, he crashed then when he woke up it was fucking wednesday so he missed his chance to commemorate his discovery with pictures of Robin and he decided that shit would never happen again and made himself an ‘efficient’ sleep schedule so he could run around doing fuck shit, add to his robin shrine, and stay on honor roll bc he was even more pissed to see the gotham gazette had pictures of Robin with an on site interview credited to Vicki Vale (listen bowl cut tim had a one sided beef with vicki vale that included tim judging who gets better pics of the bats but she isn’t even aware that she’s competing with a whole ass child 😭 he’s sitting at the table with a mug of orange juice and looks at the newspaper snorts and goes ‘fucking amateur I could do better’)
Regularly unsupervised tiny businessman in training Tim ‘Ten hours of uninterrupted sleep?? That’s so inefficient not to mention fucking stupid’ Drake is so pissed he missed getting shots of Robin dropkicking a rogue from 6 six stories up (for absolutely no reason dick just thinks it’s fun) that he just takes at least 3 hour naps every eight hours 😭 he refuses to spend almost half a day sleeping ‘for no reason when he could be doing something productive’
And he still does this as a bat but it’s just easier to tell if he didn’t take his nap bc he has less than zero impulse control and he’s just fucking done with everything like the gcpd is terrified bc tim’s saying shit like ‘This guys a fucking moron, I could’ve done this in half the time without killing anyone fucking loser doesn’t he know if you keep them alive you can prolong the torture?’ and ‘you’re like all hysterical and for what 🤨 ‘you blew up 83% of Bristol waah’ stfu and fucking rebuild it?? It’s only rich mfs that live there, it’s just a matter of them opening their fucking wallets’ once a new recruit made the mistake of asking if robin had adult supervision regularly and Tim responded with ‘well if you’re gonna snitch to cps like a little bitch then yeah’ and that cop did snitch so tim fucking doxxed him
Yj has just accepted that sometimes they will find tim in an air vent, on the roof, in one of their closets, or something just fucking knocked out then an alarm will go off and he’ll just get up like nothing happened but for the first couple of months they were probably concerned bc ‘I’ve never seen you sleep?? wtf are you on man’ and Tim’s confused bc ‘I slept next to you this morning wdym??’ and that’s how yj discovers tim sleeps with his eyes open
But one of the worst things about Tim’s ‘time efficient sleep schedule’ nonsense is that it fucking works he’s one of the most well rested and coherent bats even after back to back Arkham breakouts however the absolute worst thing about his sleep schedule is the likelihood of going into the cave and seeing tim staring in a daze but wide eyed yet somehow never blinking at the batcomputer with 57 tabs open on top of being unresponsive and thinking he has a fucking concussion or he’s been replaced but he’s just doing case work while muttering nonsense in his fucking sleep for some reason
#Tim drake being unhinged even in his sleep and taking sleepwalking to the next level by doing reports/solving cases in his sleep#A bat hearing incoherent mumbling but no one’s nearby: 😐 he’s in the walls 😨 he’s in the goddamn walls#No one knows how or why he’s in that particular spot in the wall bc there’s isn’t a secret entrance/crawl space there#Tim also has a wall of energy drinks Bruce regularly tries to lecture him aboot#And Tim’s like ‘your eldest son has snorted sugar MULTIPLE times’#then he gestures at Jason ‘and that one looks like if he didn’t have drug related childhood trauma he’d try to snort protein powder’#bruce: tim we have to talk about your behavior#Tim: like three of your kids have basked in the blood of their enemies 🤨 I am NOT your biggest issue rn#Dick Grayson being the main reason there’s an ‘acceptable levels of force’ slide with 600+ slides & most are examples of what not to do#Stephanie 🤝🏾 Damian: being reason Bruce is adding more slides to a PowerPoint from 2 decades ago#Tim drakes idea of straight forward is how everyone else imagines jumping through hoops and fucking struggling to avoid pissing off the fae#Like wdym simple?? This plan has 97 parts and he’s like no that’s just the first page of plan 1 if it’s sunny#Rogues: I can’t catch him off guard wtf do none of these mfs sleep??#Tim ‘never let em know your next move’ Drake who’s been sleep for the past 45 minutes: 🔵➖🔵#Yj has cuddle piles in the air vents#Everyone with enhanced senses is losing bc ‘there are children in the walls’#Coffee addict babs calls tim weak when he tells her he cut coffee bc it was fucking with him before continuing to chug hot coffee#Oracle: this is the worst Tuesday ever 😔 I need more coffee before I deal with an Arkham breakout#Nightwing: but it’s sunday??#Spoiler: Maybe it’s time we switch to decaf love also just out of curiosity when was the last time you slept??#Oracle: you want the fucking location or not?#Dick: I take it back mb#Spoiler: a thousand apologies to our gracious overlord#Oracle: that’s what I thought#Bruce: you’re benched oracle#Oracle: take that bench and shove it up your ass batman#Steph 100% calls everyone mushy pet names and has since Bruce lectured her about professionalism when she was dating tim#Imagine getting your ass kicked by a sleepingwalking middle schooler#Or worse: imagine having to explain to your insurance company that a sleepwalking child blew up your home#tim drake is a menace
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got this stupid idea in my head of jason being the "cool older brother" who teaches tim and/or damian how to smoke a joint, but with the caveat that "this is a sometimes thing and if you get your dumb ass addicted to anything i can and will send you to rehab at gunpoint or, failing that, execute you myself"
#mine#batfam#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#me? properly tagging posts instead of just talking in them? heresy!#(i want batfam friends please talk to me)#this is partially based on my mom literally giving me weed but threatening to fine me $1k if i so much as touch a cigarette#(i'm 25 and this has been a standing rule since i was about 8)#like ik he's got a 'no dealing to kids' rule but also i feel like weed could be an exception to that#just. the idea of jason not wanting to fall to the addictions he grew up around while also having chronic pain or smth#and the only effective nonopioid treatment he's found is weed#and it's also a situation of 'if you're going to do it i'd rather you did it where i know you're safe'#but the only way he knows how to show affection is death threats
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Abel and Ammon are chilling at a cafe together. What do you think they’re talking about?
Give Linebeck and Rusl hugs for me <3 And Ammon, really, but I’ll let him vibe with some coffee. Or whatever he drinks to caffeinate/energize. (Abel has known about coffee his entire life because Castle Town has Gerudo beverages and he’s 100% addicted)
Hope you’re doing ok <3 <3 <3
Oh boy, they could be talking about their duties, how wonderful their wives are, how crazy their kids are, maybe even talk about how much they hate the yiga lol. There’s a lotta things!!
Rusl is affectionately crushing your ribs and Linebeck is pretending that he’s disgusted by the hug but deep down he’s a big softy <33
I don’t think Ammon has ever had anything like coffee so….. this is a first time for everything!
#Ammon careful don’t get addicted#and yeah I’m doing fine! just on vacation and vibin!!#havin to do homework but oh well#sad cuz writing doesn’t sound good and tho I haven’t drawn in a hot second. drawing ain’t good either#but idk#do you wanna read some of the stuff I’ve written? :0#I don’t have a lot finished#you can read Leon being drugged out of his mind#or Sarah getting Ammon to sleep#or ammon dealing with the survivors guilt after Georgie died#but I’m not proud of how that one turned out so I’m stuck lol#asks
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so help me God, if I see another blog about tiktok being banned I'm gonna (remembering manslaughter is a not polite thing to do) probably go on ao3 and read my blorbos fics then go finish my own fiction until I've finished every last mother fuckin word.
#Like yes I know u ppl think it's violating your very soul and are being stripped of your “identity” and “voice”#Let it be known that I font give a fuck and I actually think it's kind of a good thing.#Not because tik tok being invented by the China#But because the whole format is addicting and teaching people to have short attention spams God#Don't be like “they'll come after other socials too it concerns you!”#No it fuckin dont#If all the socials go then it's no big deal to me#Because I'm not addicted to the internet and watching everyone else live their lives while I just sit on mine#seeing how slowly I can crawl to my grave and dip my toe in my casket to see if I've made to my death safely#Fuck like 'Jesus how are you going to share the things you wanna share?'#By fucking meeting people FACE TO FACE and starting a group that meets at the fucking library or park or whatever#But people are mean and judgemental and generally awful#No they are freakin not#Maybe if you actually got out there and decided to overcome fear by taking action you'd see how wonderful people can be too#But many people of my age have totally lost the ability to contact and connect with human beings#Instead they get all their information on how the world works through a screen and not by going out there making mistakes and observing how#Things work for themselves#They gotta be spoonfed everything cuz a majority don't actually truly want to overcome because it takes time#It takes work#And it requires responsibility once achieved#So fuck tik tok#Fuck social media#Maybe we do need an electronic blight so that people can start being people and talking to each other face to face again.#There would be less loneliness#Less depression#And less suicides if there was#tik tok ban
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its so important to me that you know how much ive already cried over this wip and its literally only been two days
#if this ever gets finished it will be a blasted miracle#god i just. it is just so much to me#its right in that sweet spot where it fits exactly with the image of the character in my head#AND its pressing on the bruise of an enormous hangup for me in my real life as well#i say this very genuinely: i think if u are not used to the creative process of things like making art/writing/music/dance/drama etc#its difficult to really get into how emotionally significant and worldview-changing those processes can be#obviously they dont HAVE to be. u can sing a song just for the sake of singing it and it doesn't need to mean anything at all if u want#but when u are actually CREATING it. like from nothing. boy that can really get u (in a good way and a not-good way)#and i dont say this to make the creative process sound all superior and grandiose just to make myself feel better - i really do think#that there is smth profoundly transformative and tender inside it that it is so important to feel#i mean. essentially its the feeling that the high school theatre kids are addicted to lmao#but they r totally right to be because it IS addictive and it DOES feel really good#when it comes to writing fic for me it can be such a powerful emotional experience#i only used to get that from dance (and that didn't start to happen until at LEAST 11 or 12 years after i started)#its not always SO intense. but when it is then it Really Is#and i think you can kind of tell when you read it#sometimes its emotional bc its the satisfying execution of a singular vision - its motion capture/out of my head/resist and elongate#and sometimes its bc the feeling is so intensely and overwhelmingly personal - return to me/blood sugar baby!/reeling/sea change/#in my mind i think you can really see it in my human nature series - the one with warden and vega#i dont know if thats purely bc that series means so much to me - its been my baby for almost 2 years now#or if its also bc much of it has happened during a very emotionally intense part of my life#in any case when i say that these things are very personal i don't mean in a literal sense necessarily#im not ACTUALLY out here building stalker museums or cannibalising prison guards or splitting the fabric of time#bc whats important is how it FEELS - at the heart of those fantastical things are emotions that aren't magical or supernatural at all#feelings and fears and desires that i have in my life - translated into something much bigger and grander and easier to talk about#do not worry because this is not going to be read by anyone. but if i were your english teacher i would tell you#to go and have a skim of one of the fics i mentioned just now#and i wonder what you think i was thinking about when i wrote it#what i was afraid of or what i was wanting or what i didn't know how to deal with#i dont have to ask because i already know. but i think you could guess if you really really wanted to
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feeling so normal about li bing and qiu qingzhi btw
#their dynamic is fascinating no matter which medium you choose#but the cdrama's choice to deep dive on the 'old friend' deal and all that entails just hit my specific niche so hard#idk what it's like to experience the cdrama when you haven't got the donghua in the back of your head but as someone who did?#the irony was so much. despite the changes enough was kept intact that going in I knew two things for sure:#1) despite seeming antagonism they do both care for each other. 2) qqz was never getting out alive.#was sad to see the li bing|li bao stuff get dropped but the new backstory worked + explained the differing characterisation for lb rly well#white cat legend#white cat legend spoilers#<- for my own tags oops#no but like. the way that lb admitted he always thought he'd die young but maybe he could live on through qqz#and then in the end it's lb left alone with no choice to die even if he wanted to. whilst qqz would rather die than become a 'monster'.#and he meant it in a different way (addiction metaphor) but lb had his own worries that his demon state meant he was now a monster.#sth sth choices about living and dying and being a 'monster' and how lb had support but qqz was surrounded on all sides by wolves#he chose to be there because he had to be to survive. as a former slave he knew he had limited choices. but it's still so....
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i’m majorly depressed and passively suicidal like 97% of the time rn but i dont have anyone i can trust enough to reach out to
#thats not to say i dont have friends or whatever. i do. i just#am not normal.#it just really sucks idk why i feel so lonely all the time#at least i got therapy on monday#just gotta tough it out until then!#the thing i didnt realize until a few years ago is literally nobody will realize how bad things are for you#unless you tell them about it#during my sophomore year my sh addiction was really really bad and people would see my cuts and just#not say anything#so idk ive gotten really used to just dealing with my Bullshit on my own time#idek why i’m still ranting#Personal
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i don’t think i’ve ever felt this lost in my life. tbh
#feeling sad? sure. hopeless? been there done that. anxious as hell? at least once a week. but lost? no. not really#and that’s really fucking scary because i’m not familiar with it and i just don’t know how to deal with it#i can’t stop thinking that i’m running out of time because i’m 25 and i don’t think i can afford feeling this way#taking a break from uni sounds good in theory but in reality? again. i’m 25. i need to at least achieve one thing in my life holy shit#it’s SO hard to see the good even when it’s right in front of me or someone points it out. like having a job or studying or getting to#travel or even just having friends ARE achievements but i always want More More and More i am addicted to wanting more cause it feels like#nothing i do is ever enough. and now i’m adding feeling lost because i’m finally acknowledging the fact that i don’t know what i want to do#with what i’m studying or how to get a different job in the future when i almost have no experience and everything is just so frustrating#because i simply don’t fucking know. i just don’t. i can’t afford not knowing!! everything is so messy rn you would think i’d be thriving#after seeing louis and meeting aria and traveling to germany and i am genuinely so happy those things happened but fuck man there is always#the Bigger Thing taking over and it makes me feel like an ungrateful brat i just don’t fucking know man. maybe i am an ungrateful brat#but it’s just so hard to be happy when you’re feeling so lost with everything in your life and yourself#anyway i just. needed to let that out#negative#effie talks to the moon
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our tooth is suddenly a lot more painful again and I don't know why, but I also only had one ibuprofen left so I've just taken that and I guess I have to hope our mum can get us some more before that one wears off because I really want to avoid having to take co-codamol again.
the issue is that we took some ibuprofen earlier and it wore off so quickly I'm not sure we're gonna be able to get away with just using that but I'm gonna feel really shitty if I do end up having to take the co-codamol, and we'd started getting intrusive thoughts about taking it while not actually in pain so I've gotten myself into this ridiculous loop of being like "what if I'm just coming up with an excuse to take it" even though I am in fact in a fuckload of pain now and the other medication isn't helping enough.
it feels like I'm stuck in a situation where my options are once again to either take a medication that I know is fucking me up and it's going to be a nightmare, or deal with being in too much pain to function, so I'm fucked no matter what I do
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#addiction tw#<- maybe? I still don't fully know how you tell the difference between dependence and addiction or if there even is a difference#but also the intrusive thoughts are like... it kind of feels like our brain going ''go on. just take one. you'll feel better for it''#sometimes it's less of a specific thought and more just a vague urge#and I don't know if that's what everything means by getting cravings but it fucking sucks and I hate it so much#no I don't wanna take one for the love of fuck#I didn't want to take it nearly every day for 2 fucking months#oh and after the oral surgery they prescribe co-codamol but like a stronger version of it with more codeine#which would have been fine. initially I was like ''oh cool a medical professional that isn't shitty about opioids''#except now it's like oh god okay I've got probably another month or so before I can maybe fully stop taking it for a while#and I don't wanna fucking deal with this. I just want to get through the shitshow that is the withdrawal effects#without having to do that multiple times because we keep ending up in too much pain and having to take it again
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man i love weed dont get me wrong but i really dont like hanging with ppl who are stoned all the time and when i tell ppl that they act like im being a killjoy like? no? i equally dislike when ppl are drunk off their ass. im allowed to be uncomfortable with substance use
#i find it deeply aggravating and difficult to deal with ppl who are so inebriated with SOMETHING that i can barely have a conversation w the#i just dont like being around ppl who use substances in excess anyways?#weed is more acceptable sure but its still a substance#i understand when its for pain management but if you arent doing that. you might have an addiction problem#also weed is overall seen as softer than alcohol and generally by way of how ppl act it is#but i still dont like it#this is starting to become an issue for me cuz my roommates best friend who comes over often is always always high#and i feel like a dick but i want them to cut back on it very badly. at least in my own home#idk. i might just be in a weird mood#skeletal chatter#weed cw#drug abuse tw
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when i want to project in my fanfic but then i remember the ‘fannon’ version of the character does this so now it just looks like i’m playing into the ‘bad boy fannon’ version of a character
#i just wanna project!! what else is fan fic for other then to make you happy and feel better? especially when projecting#like i want to make a cheatecter smoke because i deal with addiction and i want to write about it#but now i know someone is ganna say something about how “he’s would never!”#okay and? i want to write about it leave me alone#is this a fear i have or do other people think about it too lmao 😭?#like i want to write about shit like bullying but i just don’t want someone to think i’m leaning into the fannon ver-#this doesn’t make sense i just have a lot of anxiety when posting lol#this is south park fan fic#obviously.#craig tucker#tweek tweak#south park#fan fiction#writing#dangonronpa#shuichi saihara#if i make him smoke- there’s like a fan in smoking ver of everyone huh…?#danganronpa v3 killing harmony
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Like, I DO think people get too wound up over fictional constructs--that, very pointedly, are not real and whose actions are made up and do not actually affect any real people--doing horrible things in-story, but I also think it's fair for someone to say, "This action sits poorly with me even in a fictional setting, in such an intense way that I cannot move past that or find sympathy for it," and "People are saying this bad behavior isn't actually bad, in a way that is meant to be taken seriously and at face-value, and that makes me severely uncomfortable."
Granted, this all gets muddled very easily because that's not what people mean most of the time, they just want to over-moralize fiction and say, "If you like this pRoBLeMaTiC thing for any reason, you are a menace to society" for Superiority Points. (They also like to invent problems that don't actually exist to "prove" that they have the moral high ground in not liking something remember when people tried to say catra/adora was incest because they grew up together because I sure do.) But I feel like there is a split between people who use "[character] apologism" in the sense of "I will be okay with this character doing whatever fucked-up thing they want in the story because I like them" vs "If you find this character compelling or want them to succeed, you would one-to-one condone their actions irl" vs "I have seen people genuinely say, with no joking or irony, that this character never actually caused any type of harm to the other characters within the story, and I don't like that."
#like. for example: (and I SHOULDN'T feel the need to lay my Personal Shit out like this but if there's one thing I've learned it's that#points are better translated if you give specific examples) ANYWAY. FOR EXAMPLE:#I cannot deal with rose from j.t.v. she had a mentally ill character who was an addict committed against her will to an institution#after that character attempted to tell people the truth about their romantic connection#like that was a shitty thing to do. and that hit a little too close to home for me to be able to look at rose in a positive light anymore#because it bothered ME personally. it was a ME thing. and I think that's fine? I think it's fine for me to go 'I can't be on board with#this character anymore because this thing she did brought back a bunch of real life shit in my brain'#what ISN'T okay would be for me to say 'anyone who likes this character or ships her with luisa is a HORRIBLE PERSON who should FEEL BAD'#and (granted I don't really look at General Fandom Opinions regarding this show because honestly after michael ''died'' you could not have#paid me to care) if I had seen someone say 'I genuinely don't believe that was a shitty thing for rose to do I think it was the objectively#correct response' I think I would be justified in getting a little angry about that#and I understand the impulse to just go 'people are so overly-critical about shit that doesn't matter so I'm just going to not bother#discussing any of this at all' TRUST ME. I GET IT. but I DO also think there is nuance to be had here.#and I think it's important to recognize when nuance exists#how tf am I supposed to tag this#fiction#???#media criticism#?????#behold! a creation!
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Sometimes I’m vibing, doing my weird zone-out, day-dream and imagine scenarios in my head mood (usually with fictional characters and shows and things) and then I remember a super sad fact about a character I love. And then I stop before I make myself even more upset
Tw for the tags, since that’s where most of this post actually resides:
-little to no association with the actual post itself
-mentions of trauma
-mentions of drug addiction
-mentions of abuse. Like that’s the whole point of the little tangent I go on.
-excusing theft.
-implied Luther Hargreeves (though he is firmly not the character I’m excusing the actions of)
-A complete refusal to mention anything past TUA S1.
#Also like ‘you can’t excuse a characters actions and blame it on their trauma’ is a valid point but that’s exactly what I’m going to do#because he never would’ve been this way if he was raised right. nor would any of his siblings.#the whole point of the show (s1 at least) is to show all these people raised in the same house and how they all had different traumas and#different coping mechanisms to deal with them. so many of them chose mediocrity and poverty over wealth and fame to escape their abuser.#and those that didn’t. the one that never had a shot at fame whilst staying with his abuser ended up reaching it because of his hatred for#his family. the one that reached fame reached it by doing awful things because that’s what her abuser taught her to do. the one that stayed#did it because he’d become so dependant on his abuser because at least the abuse gave him purpose.#they’re all awful people. they do things to endanger eachother or are assholes for the sake of it.#and it’s all because one man decided to play god with seven adopted kids.#so sorry if I maybe excuse the druggie stealing things to satiate the addiction his trauma drove him towards
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i need therapy my god i don't know what to do with myself anymore i feel repelled by myself pls don't read if triggered by mental health talk or sh shit and whatnot
i don't know where else to write this im trying so hard to distract myself from my body i feel everything tingling this is disgusting i feel so fucking disgusting all of my scabs and scars are itching so bad the more i think about them i hate going into the shower and seeing them god i feel so icky in my own body this is so messed up i wasn't like this two years ago i feel so sorry so really sorry oh my god i don't know what to do with myself god im so sorry i feel disgusted i can't even look at myself this is god i don't know i want to start over again i hate this so much why did i not listen fuck this i feel so stupid i knew i should not have tried it the first time i knew that anyone who started would not be able to stop until too late and yet i felt so curious i was so stupid god i want to take it all back they won't come off they won't go away i feel so disgusting im covered and no one knows i hope they never know god i had a nightmare again my mom found out and ripped my clothes off me i felt so so terrified i woke up in cold sweat god what am i going to do they'll find out eventually it's been a year they still haven't but someday they will god oh my god i don't know what to do i feel like throwing up i never should have come online then i wouldn't have known what cutting even was god i could have stuck with punching things like i used to before or just getting therapy for fucks sake i went online bc i was lonely and ended up getting ideas i regret this so much it's all coming down on me this is so nuts im having a breakdown lmfao god what do i do im shaking this is oh my god i never really looked at myself i should not have oh my gos what have i done stupid stupid i remember sitting down after midnight just picking that thing up in the middle of my studying session and then just doing it my god what did i do Nd then i didn't stop and it became a habit and a sweet release and now i have to live with these for the rest of my life god i am so so stupid this is so rich it got worse how is it supposed to get better im praying im praying i feel so sorry
#wtf i cant stop shaking i think my body is trying to deal with the shock im going through this isnt a panic attack i think this doesnt feel#like one but why cant i stop sgaking#this is why you dont supress emotions that turn into anger issues haha#anger means stupidity and you get addicted to anger and you lose yourself in anger#and stupid shit happens that you cant take back#i dont remember how i was like two years ago#before all of the hiding started#the goosebumps wont die down HELP ncbnc#no but actually pls do help how to stop literally spazzing#tw: sh mention#update okay the buzzing i mean shaking stopped after i saw a passing chaewon pic lol
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