#how do these ppl even function
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god twitter is just a mental illness... it can be cured look at me im living proof
#tbh thats probably not very inspiring#but okay hear me out#i just have regulsr mental illness now#not twitter induced mental illness#which is arguably the worst kind#i go on there and im like god#how do these ppl even function#like everyone hates everyone so much#ppl cannot just vibe with their bros#if youre havin a good time#someone who doesn't like you is gonna go out of their way to fuck with you#for some kind of moral performance#wnd its like#omgggggg like telling you to go outside wouldn't even matter bc youre just miserable in general#everything is a performance in order to get ppl to see you a certain way#yall should just intersct with ppl who make you happy and that you like#it honestly makes me sad#like ppl act like they have so much ownership over other people#like if you bully ppl enough and make them scared enough you can control everyone to be just like you want them to be#like some stuff just aint that fucking serious#yall shouldnt even be acknowledging it#its an outrage addiction and ppl who are hooked will have a hard time seeing how much theyre harming themselves and others#and thats so sad#like youre wastjng so much time trying to control others instead of looking inward and finding your own internal peace#theyre wasting their life by acting like this
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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me
#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can#even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for#but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it#but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot#even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to#or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human#and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have#if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person#but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless#maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean#it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it#and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things#but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me#that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor#and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know#i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness#and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk#talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo#and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else#even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get#in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao#anyway whatever 😔
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#meme#homemade memes#cw dysphoria#trans#bones are stupid#cw dysphoria venting#waiting out current phase of transition changes to happen#(cause I got my dose raised again in april & am waiting for my next two surgeries & continuing tryna build muscle 😔)#hoping it'll get to a point eventually where the affirming bits are overpowering enough to ppl's perception#that I can dress the bits I can't change (like hips) in things that suit them#and do the whole embracing looking trans thing without worrying abt the misgendering#but alas I won't believe in my body's ability to do that until I see it#seeing as I still get lady-ed & unquestioningly she/her-ed 5 years into HRT + post two highly visible surgeries#+ fully dressed in men's clothes + sporting the shortest hair I've ever had -.-#cis ppl learn what transmascs look like & what that means for words you use on them challenge 2024- difficulty level: impossible apparently#I've had several ppl in the last few months that I literally TOLD I am trans/'it's he/him'/was clocked as trans by#who then STILL proceeded to misgender me anyway???#like what more can I do than literally straight up tell you????#I told a clinician who was looking at my knee the other month that I was trans (cause they always ask abt all meds n diagnoses)#and he misgendered me as a trans woman on his report like-#sir I am 5'4" and have a flat chest baby face and facial hair#and I was telling you abt how I've been on HRT for years and have had several Transgender Surgeries#you're a bone doctor you know how bones work and what their limitations are and you have functionning eyes#you should be able to put 2 and 2 together abt how this works even if you've never met a trans person holy fuck#(I wrote a complaint and they amended the report and sent me an apology meanwhile but still like- buddy wtf)
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Okay I’m going to say it, some of y’all treat the KOTLC tag like it’s a tumblr community instead of an organization system that gathers together everything people post and tag as KOTLC
#unless something has absolutely nothing to do with kotlc#no one is in their right to tell you to not tag something at kotlc. just so you know.#you can’t clog up a tag. that’s not a THING#no one talks about this in bigger fandoms. we only have this problem bc it’s a small fandom and people are used to going to the tag#to find the content they want#and if they aren’t finding the content they want too bad so sad.#like I’m not saying you can just tag whatever as kotlc#but if it’s about kotlc in any way. you are well within your right to tag it as such.#Im ALL FOR properly tagging. like don’t improperly tag. that’s just mean#and that DOES interrupt tags :/#but there’s no way for you to post too much about any one topic#the kotlc tag is NOT a curated space. it’s not a place of all these assorted kotlc posts in similar formats#it’s a space for everything tagged as kotlc#so unless you look at the post and are like ‘this doesn’t even mention kotlc or any of its characters???’#you can scroll along your merry way!#kotlc#it’s something that’s come up in both the right and wrong contexts#during tam cam people told ppl talking about just the identity stuff to keep it out of the kotlc tag and that was CORRECT bc that wasn’t#about kotlc. but also during tam cam people put in my ask box that there were too many tam cam meme posts and that they were clogging up#the tag. to which I say A) I was only making like a quarter of those and B) those have to do with kotlc so you can suck it up! in the end I#didn’t respond. but yeah. i get that there’s a time and place for us to be like hey that doesn’t belong here#but whether or not something belongs in the tag has NOTHING to do with how much you want to see it or how many posts are being made about it#thank you and have a nice day. and if you want a curated space of similarly formatted kotlc posts you should make a community#Ik our tag often functions like one bc we are a small fandom. but we are NOT entitled to that.
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hot take but i think people in general need to lighten up about other characters in a story hating on/doing something bad to their favorite character. for instance, i am a joy stan till i die but there is undeniable humor in her getting roasted within an inch of her life by amber and the like.
#no one in fandom should be rude about who ur favs are but it’s so silly to me when people are like#‘this character was mean to my fav so they are Bad’#like find the humor in ur fav getting jumped by every other character i promise they will be fine#tess rambles#house of anubis#but not even really hoa related tbh just my example used is#the amount of ppl i see across all fandoms who are like ‘this is a horrible character bc if [insert mean moment] and anyone who likes them#is evil!!!’ is so goofy to me like how do u function in the world if you cannot find humor or nuance in anything at all??#anyway just me yapping
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If accommodations no longer help you, I'm curious at what point they stopped being helpful.
#bc for me: once u get to the graduate level its like sink or swim bitch#u have to fucking read and nothing is gonna make it easier so fucking read or find a different job#i dont kno how u accomodate a grad student. like u have things that have to happen. u cant just let someone not do their job they got hired#to do. so like u just select for ppl who arent extremely disabled bc i just dont think u could do it otherwise#u would b too bad at ur job. every prof i say im dyslexic to is like: oh! r u registered with the disability office?#and im like no. wtf would they even do for me. im sure i could get lots of accommodation stuff but functionally i just have to suck it up#and work harder. but im also fucked up about having a learning disability so like maybe im just being difficult#idk. most ppl dont wanna do jobs that they weren't designed for and cause them so much pain. but like i said. im sorta fucked up#learning disability#dyslexia#dyscalculia#adhd#dyspraxia#dysgraphia#poll#polls#unrelated
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I miss my dear sweet buddy python that u can just sort of fuck around & find out. With C++ it’s fuck around & …
…”so u have chosen DEATH??”
#funnily enough my problem isn’t exactly with C++ currently#it’s this fuckin incomprehensible assignment instruction#even I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing so how can I tell my poor old computer exactly what to do#istg surprisingly big chunk of coding is trying to figure out what the fuck it is that ppl want from you I hate this sometimes#like why the fuck can’t u just make it clear what we’re supposed to do this is stupid enough as is#’’time how long it takes’’ how long WHAT takes ?????????#ppl have been in the course gc asking but guess!! guess!!!!! if they gave a clear answer#’’time it so u can answer the questions’’ motherfuckerrrr i dont know what u want me to answer to bc idk what functionality u want like fUc#but like some ppl have gotten it so maybe I’m just dumb !! :)#very probable I fucking don’t get it#april 2024#2024
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its past midnight and time to yap about Mouthwashing. Anyway obviously we don't see the Specific Events only how the characters react but with Anya... Okay I'm going to talk about the Sexual Assault not with Specific Details but that's what the post is about so
Anyways she reads to me as very like... trying to downplay the severity to herself. Like thinking through it (not having the exact quotes but) I feel like it'd be an unfortunately natural reaction- if you were stuck with 4 guys and the guy with the second highest position on the ship assaulted you depending on the situation. I feel like its not hard to imagine you'd try and reframe it as Less Bad to cope because let me be honest if I had to confront the implications of that, mainly the fact he could do it again and I wouldn't have any real way of dealing with it without complicating things even further bc he doesn't just have a close relationship with the guy with the Most Power on the ship, he also is in charge of keeping Me and The Other People On The Ship Safe, i would be in deep denial just to not lose my god damn mind like thats so fucking scary. And then the implication you tried to talk to the captain and even if he wasn't cruel he didn't Understand the Severity of what you were suggesting is like. Besides feeling afraid it could genuinely really fuck with my own perception bc like "if this guy who I trust says he's not a bad person maybe I'm just overreacting?" is. Again unfortunately understandable.
And again I'll say that Anya fully breaks down when the news breaks that pony express is fucked and like. 1. I think that's related to her own finances (and also. Literally just realized the way an abortion could interact badly with "no savings" like I Just Processed that fact. Like I knew "oh if she couldn't abort having to support a child wouldn't just be traumatic but also fucking nightmarish finance wise" but even having an abortion could make things so much harder.) 2. Jimmy LASHES OUT at Curly OPENLY. again based on my interpretation of Mildly In Denial To Cope this would. Like. Really fuck with that because it goes from "I trust the captain and I don't want to be afraid of my crewmate for a year" to "oh he is willing to verbally abuse the captain, who is his friend" and realizing I wasn't overreacting.
I also wanna point to the dead pixel conversation and obv it's symbolic but idk if it's meant as "there's a dead pixel that Anya noticed and she's using the topic to like test the waters" or if it's "anya is literally just trying to figure out Curly's thought process" which isn't like super important but like. Focusing on the way she starts the conversation by saying that she "Likes the illusion the screen has". (I don't remember the exact words sorry) But that's really interesting to me bc obviously you can read into Curly not seeing the dead pixel and instead focusing on the bigger picture (and how the dead pixel "doesn't ruin the illusion") but I think it's really interesting that Anya starts by talking Positively about the screen even though the dead pixel is there (and she can't stop thinking about it)
Like thinking through implications option 1: she's talking about the screen and uses the dead pixel to get a feel for how Curly responds to her bringing up issues
2: she's being entirely metaphorical and still trying to sort of self soothe- seeking external validation that the dead pixel Isn't Actually That Big A Deal (and therefore she's just overthinking)
3: idk how to phrase this exactly but ppl have talked Abt the way she talks to Jimmy, how it indicates a sort of "Fawn" response where she tries to keep him calm with compliments and stuff, and her talking about "enjoying the illusion" is her trying to do something similar with Curly- essentially starting the metaphor by downplaying the issue
Anyway. I don't know if I have a full conclusion but another thing is I think ppl need to acknowledge that while Curly fucked up and harmed Anya (mainly thru inaction). He's not uniquely shitty. Most people will be in a situation where they act similarly, and that DOES NOT JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS. I AM NOT SAYING CURLY IS ANY BETTER. I am saying that you need to be able to recognize your capacity for harm thru inaction and understand that like. He's not uniquely terrible he's just Normal Levels Of Unhelpful, which in a situation like Anya's is Dangerous
Like. Basically you can say "fuck jimmy fuck curly" all you want but you need to be able to understand that everyone including yourself has the same capacity for harm
#Mouthwashing spoilers#Rape ment#SA ment#Ask to tag#Idk I will say with the Anya thing: I'm a little bit speaking from personal experience#Of. There are things that I think about like ''ppl say These Things (that I experienced) are Very Bad but I don't think that's the case#For me'' like. Not consciously ''oh I'm over reacting'' but more ''well maybe my situation is different'' and it's really hard to figure ou#How much of that is genuinely the case and how much is denial y'know. 👍#Also Curly is a trans guy to me bc I'm hungry for characters who are trans men and just as culpable of willful ignorance and harm#As cis men. Anyway if anyone has a diff take on Anya's situation and)or mindset I'm open to hear it this is just my thoughts#Based on how the scenes read to me.#Also like the situation is delicate and this isn't like A Perfect Fix but genuinely Curly should've given Anya the gun#I don't think she would've shot it but it works as a Defensive Threat in a way that would give her security and also deter jimmy from being#A fucking problem because he doesn't experience consequences for his actions due to a mix of Captain's Friend and#''we can't really do shit to him or we lose our co-pilot'' (even tho he fucking sucks at his job they don't learn that until he#Is The Captain so they likely assume he's at least fucking. Functional and they would be worse off with him out of commission. Y'know)#But then again Jimmy's allergic to responsibility and consequences to the point of murder suicide so maybe Anya wouldve had to shoot him#Idk. Imagine me pacing full of rage. Imagining a universe where Anya can just fucking go to med school and doesn't have to deal with#The pony express. FUCK THE PONY EXPRESS
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love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me
#ppl always talking about their whatever grade reading level and how many books they’d read as kids and im just over here like🧍🏽#I’ve never been actually bad at english or reading but I couldn’t focus on reading books to save my fucking life#I hated those sheets where you had to read like a certain number of books or whatever over the course of a semester or the year or whatever#my GATE test scores for english were super high but my math was bad enough that I never qualified#and adhd made me not even perform well in English half the time because I couldn’t pay attention I couldn’t read long books I couldn’t turn#in my assignments or if I did they were late and etc etc etc#don’t get me started with math#I was the worst in my class in third grade at minute math and never made it to the levels of minute math my classmates did#(they posted results on the wall for everyone to see)#and in 6th grade I was put into an additional remedial math class#throughout middle-high school I was at the level of most classmates in terms of the classes I took but that’s only because I was not allowe#to fail and was put through absolute fucking hell with a billion tutors and grueling hours of extra work from them and blah blah blah#like I remember how I felt in those tutoring sessions and half the time I actually wanted to cry.#I didn’t start doing solidly genuinely Good in school until senior year of high school.#not coincidentally around the same time I started taking adderall I think#I had accommodations by 9th grade but they didn’t do that much except for the function that let me turn in assignments up to 2 days late#without penalty. which i had teachers question sometimes and i had to pull the Yeah it’s Literally Against The Law to not allow me this car#anyway. point is. i was never in the gate program and most of my friends were and it was mostly adhd related#adhd is considered such a quirky nothing disorder nowadays that I don’t even like mentioning I have it really. because what people think of#when I say the term is Not what i actually dealt with and made school torturous and made my parents lash out at me for things and etc etc#depression and dysphoria did not help either. but I digress#I’m not sure why im making this post#kibumblabs
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Every time I go to a party I'm reminded that it's not that I can't interact with people, it's just not a desire I have :(
#i always feel so guilty when ppl i just met are like wow u seem so cool! because im really not!#im good at masking and making people feel comfortable! its got nothing to do with my personality unfortunately#no version of me is as true as who i am by myself and idk i feel like a fraud for being nice?#ive had many people be disappointed when i just. dont want to hang out#im not a 1 on 1 person i hate being alone with someone#even with people i dearly cherish i just cant find myself comfortable when others are around#and its not about them either i think im just not compatible with social interactions#im not really looking for advice btw like this is just something im coming to terms with#i love people i truly do i just cannot exist properly around them#anyways fat bear supper was really nice :')#the mashed potatoes??? they were so fuckjng good like bro you dont understand#and shoutout to the ppl who made a salmon lasagna that was so good as well#friends played a beautiful beautiful song they made (if they end up putting it on spotify ill share it here its about a cow named Margot)#anyways i guess soft reminder you never know what people are struggling with regardless of how functioning they appear#(mashed potatoes recipe is as follow: unpeeled potatoes#+whole milk+butter+rosemary+thyme thats it thank u)
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sorry i can't hang out rn the two men from that 4 year old show kissed and i literally cannot think about anything else. yeah gonna be all month
#good omens#gomens#crowzira#deleted messenger haven't talked to any of my irls in a week#lowkey hate how nice it is to get a break tbh like oh my goddd im in the mental illness zone do NOT talk to meeee#it feels mean but also I've spent basically every second since September hanging out with#1 - 10 people near constantly. i need some downtime. although by downtime i did not#imagine stopping all human functions and just becoming a vessel for an engless loop of g0mens thoughts#not even true i CAN talk to ppl but only if it's someone that knows how ill i am or if it's#about g0mens. otherwise leave me alone#like i can literally only talk in terminally online tumblr terms rn i can barely remember hungarian#MY ASS LITERALLY GOT FACTORY RESET TO MY TERMINALLY ONLINE SELF😭😭#not true coz back when i used to be this online i still talked to irls. mostly to get them to watch whatever i was watching but still#im gonna hang out with some tumblr mutuals who are just as ill as me soon. so that's something#idk how the fabric of budapest can handle that much mental illness in one room but whatever#ineffable husbands#i misspelled it.
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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🕸🎀˚.⁺⊹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude 🤢🤮#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk 🥴#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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something i love discussing with others is the different ways people experience kin bc its so interesting the vastness of how everyones personal experiences with it can be. i really dont get people that will be like "kin is only ever LIKE THIS! everyone else is fake!" or trying to act like people with kin past lives (or anyone that "takes kinning too seriously") are crazy. like just!!! how do yall not enjoy the vast and unique experiences of other people!! how do they not fascinate you!!! its INSANE to me
#that being said i dont interact in kin spaces very heavily after i left this one large kin discord server#while i dont miss that (drained too much energy + too many chances for drama)#(or general issues just from kin being so personal and thus discomfort when peoples canons have things that clash with others canons)#but i do kinda miss seeing more about how other people experience kin stuff#and discussing what its like for me more often#also i see sometimes people criticizing the terminology people sometimes use about kinning?#even like the term ''kinning'' bc ppl will say ''its not an action you do!''#and they treat it like people that use terms like that are the kind that kin “wrong'' and act like kin is just ''i relate to this character#but like. kin IS very important and significant for me!#i may not know the exact details of HOW i kin- like theyre not past lives for me but i still AM the characters#i have kin memories sometimes but they dont feel like past lives#n kin itself is very important to me- but trying to figure out what exactly it is if its not past lives isnt important#like idk the functionality of it i just feel it. and acknowledge the feelings. you know#and i just learned kin stuff through people who are more casual with the concept and the terminology used#n just. idk. im tired rambling.#i love how differently everyone can kin regardless of how big or small it is for them or the ways they experience it#i think we should appreciate other ppls different experiences more
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hey. hope this message doesn't bother you. I love you. I love your work. you are one of my favorite fic authors, I am absolutely obsessed with everything you write. reread everything ten times over, drarry or not, fluffy or angsty - even when it absolutely shatters my heart (e.g. for lack of wanting, SUCH a great fic btw i'm so obsessed with it). the four doors? life changing. two to lie and one to listen? engraved into my brain for eternity. what's mine is yours? what a ride holy shit, im VERY normal about it. wrapped? my comfort read. and so it goes.
if I could aggressively smother you with kudos and love I WOULD!!!
awhile ago you said that there's no such thing as "big deals" in fandom and I 100% agree but at the same time you are a big deal TO ME!!! not in the sense of any kind of hierarchy but purely based on the fact that I think you are such a cool person and your writing is amazing and poignant and your presence in fandom makes it so much better. it's been a pleasure following you here on tumblr and just reading your tags and posts.
idk I just think you rule. that's it. thank you for hanging with us. MWAH 💛
ahhhh anon sorry for leaving this message sitting in my inbox for a couple of days but !! i have zero idea how to react to this!! you're so kind!! thank you!! please discard any and all inclinations u have that i am a cool person bc i can assure you i am NOT!!
#tumblr tag essay time? tumblr tag essay time#why can't i do this in the main body of a post u ask? pure obnoxiousness ig idk#scarier when it's not greyed out and in a little whisper innit#1) anon i love and appreciate you + your kind words so so much but i rly cannot stress enough that literally nobody here is a big deal 😭#like i know u don't mean it in That Way but even so!!!#this is a hill i could write another 1k words about before i die on it again but i will spare u 😅#2) ur also v v kind to say the thing abt my presence in fandom#but unfortunately i'm coming to terms with the fact that my presence in fandom is v much on the sidelines#a non-presence#i'm embracing my role as the crotchety old hag who does not attend the functions#i have a hut in the woods and u can find me there (here in tumblr tags) muttering to myself#occasionally i'll wander into the town square (ao3) and present an unnerving thing i made from mud and twigs (a fic) and then i'll fuck off#that's about all i can handle in terms of group settings i think 😅#but the door to my hut (my DMs) is always open if u want to stop by!#3) i can't even begin to acknowledge all the nice things u said about my fics kjhsdf you are truly too generous 😭#let me smother YOU with love!!! cmere!!!#4) this is the second nice anon message i've had in the last couple weeks which is !!!!#anon(s) i'm kissing you wherever u consent to be kissed!!!#but ofc now i'm paranoid ppl will think i'm sending these to myself skdljf#can't stress enough how open my DMs are on here/twt/discord if ever u wanna chat in a way that i don't have to post publicly to reply to 😅#5) i'm soooo sorry about these tags#could have just said “thanks!” couldn't i#please put me right in the bin#anyway sorry again thank you again ilu very much ❤️
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