#how diffucult living is for me

[trafficpan-ic]

Well just finished thé best serie ever

Don't talk to me until you have watched it

[amethyst-marshmallow]

dude i just watched a mouthwashing playthrough and dude. like that was a horror game, but it wasnt a normal horror game. a normal horror game makes me jump and scream. This one? i was frozen. my eyes were wide with terror. i was cold, even though i was wearing a blanket. I was holding onto my blanket and i didnt even realize until it literally started hurting because i was holding on so hard. I cried at least twice. i was frozen in terror afterwards. I wasn't even playing the game yet i still felt everything. What the hell did I just see.

ok but seriously THE SOUND DESIGN?????????? SO good and it was SO terrifying. the breathing sounds and the sounds of curly taking the pills were so gross omg i am not the same person after hearing all that it was heart wrenching and soul crushing and dream shattering im going to rot away and turn into mold holy shit

Also normally i dont like nonlinear storytelling because its normally confusing to me but this one???? So good, it woudnt have worked linearly. the graphics also are good, its gory and gross and it couldn't be better. I'm terrified and might not sleep tonight. i love you daisuke and i fucknig hate you jimmy grrrrrr

[remolupini]

Under the cut is the prologue to my fic Dearest moon, life's tenor does not change. It's the idea I mentioned, in which Remus gets kidnapped by Grayback at five and spends his formative years with the pack.

TW: child loss, kidnapping of a child

«Six years now, isn’t it?»

Hope Lupin couldn’t help but cringe. The neighbourhood women were understanding about it, but often tactless. «It was seven at the beginning of the month,» she corrected her friend.

«Have you though about, maybe, having a second child?» Anne, the one whose house they were having tea in, asked. «When we lost our Daisy, it was harder than anything, but having Callum helped. And now Tracey too.»

Of course, Hope remembered when it had happened. She’d barely moved to the neighbourhood then, a pretty and young wife, just quit the secretary job she had since sixteen, maybe slightly too far into her pregnancy for it to be proper, but Anne was a midwife and she simply stated that if her job was to bother everyone who went to the first few checks without a ring on their fingers she would need a much higher pay.

Daisy had already been on radiation then, and never lived to see 1960. Anne had come in to the Lupin household crying, just after Lyall had surprised Hope under the mistletoe. “You know what they called it, our grandmothers and their mothers? Wolf. Feels a better word that what we use now.” she had whispered in Hope’s arms.

But that had nothing to do with her Remus.

Nothing.

Her Remus was alive.

That was just a fact.

Lyall’s kind’s police had told her so. They had told her as long as his name was in their book, he was alive. And she belived them. She had to.

«I don’t think that’s the best—» she started explaining, but then Callum ran into the room.

«Door’s got locked again! But I swear that’s got nothing to do with me!»

Anne sighed and got up, fishing a key from the very back of top shelf. «It don’t get stuck with anyone else, and only when Tracey’s bothering you on the other side.»

Callum huffed. «Door’s wide open and then it’s locked. I swear!»

«Yeah, it’s got to be magic, isn’t it?»

Anne handed Callum the key, and he rushed to the back of the house to free his poor little sister.

Hope chuckled. She’ll have to tell Lyall about this. «Oh, believe the kid. Do you say he got the key, found some bottles to turn in for money and got himself a made copy? It’s probably the wind and a diffucult door.»

Anne sat back down and took a sip of her tea. «The thing is, he’s ten, he’s discovered he can lie to us, and decided it’s the most fun in the world.» She simmered in her thoughts for a second. «I wish you knew how raising this age feels,» she added.

Her Remus would have been twelve. No, he was twelve. She couldn’t even imagine how he looked like, her little boy on the brink of teenage.

Her sweet angel, all curly blonde hair and light brown eyes. He used to look so much like her, all her family said so, but she felt at times that he was so undeniably Lyall’s too.  Which of them would he more closely resemble after he started to shed his baby fat? Would he settle in a height midway between his parents’ or stay shorter like Hope?

Despite wondering so much, she almost expected the next time she saw him for him to still be on the edge of five, none of his milk teeth yet replaced.

There was much about the day he got to hug her Remus again she didn’t expect.

For a start, she didn’t expect Lyall to wake her up in the middle of the night, a bird made of light in their bedroom. It didn’t matter how long she’d known him, magic always took her by surprise.

«They found him. They found Remus,» is all he said before they started getting dressed.

When they landed from apparation, they weren’t at the ministry, that much was clear. It was an amazing-sized manor, and the Indian woman that was at the door quickly ushered them to a dining room on the lowest floor.

Blinded by the opulence of the room, she almost didn’t notice the more than a dozen children crowding one end of the table, anywhere from three to sixteen according to her judgment, although they all looked too tall for their frail figures.

Most of their eyes shot up when the door opened, while the youngest kids burrowed further into the oldest ones. Hope could barely beging to imagine the kind of fear they were going through. She followed with her eyes a brown haired little girl as she hid once again her face in the neck of…

Oh there he was. Her Remus. Whispering soothing words in the little girl’s ear, holding her extra tight to make sure she wouldn’t slide down off of him.

Hope tried to catch his eyes, leagues more golden than she remembered them to be, in the middle of them a jagged scar lining his nose up to the corner of his mouth.

It was clear he had no idea who he was looking at.

[malka-lisitsa]

Dear Mama

A surprise letter to you, Elijah gave me the address before I left town so I could still write to you, I know my goodbye was sudden an I should have been brave enough to do that in person, but I was hoping to be back by now. I’m sure you have noticed my absence, and I hope my room is still there for me upon my return. I sent this letter six days after I left so if you’re reading this now it has been at least two weeks.

500 years we spent apart, I vowed once I found you that we would never spend more than one day separated- for we have half a millennium to make up for. I wish it could have been sooner, but from the stories I have been graced with, you always took tag seriously.

Please don’t resent me, for leaving the way I did. I supposed that is one thing I didn’t need to learn from you. To chase after what is yours, the things you want and need. I cant be in two places at once, and if it wasn’t such an urgent matter, I would have chosen you every time. I will explain everything upon my return.

Promise not to miss me too much, you’ll continue to live knowing that your daughter will come home. Even if I don’t, I need you to believe that. Snuggle in my bed, cuddle the stuffed tiger you won for me at the Carnival. Don’t shut Elijah out, and most importantly mama. Don’t be scared.

I want to see you soon.

As soon as I possibly can.

All my love.

Nadia.

It doesnt matter. It never matters. She doesn't care. Katherine doesn't do 'attachments'. Outside of Stefan So Nadia left. So what. She doesn't care. Literally didnt even notice. t'ch. why would she? She might as well not have a daughter for all she cared. Right?

And a letter? A damn letter? Who the fuck writes letters anymore? In this day and age? Just text. Nadia Petrova keeping the US postal system relavent one archaic message at a time.

Idiot.

Whatever. It doesn't matter. Nadia could disappear forever for all she cared.

Hadn't Nadia heard by now? Katherine isnt CAPABLE of love. She only cares about herself. That's how Nadia had thought of her anyway for five hundred years. So why stop dissappointing now....

She had the same hole in her chest for five hundred years, why should any part of it start being filled now. What was Katherine honestly expecting? Jesus at the rate things go for her she expected Nadia to draft up adoption papers for ElenUH to be her mother. After all, Elena gets all of Katherine's happy endings. Everything Katherine deserved. Apparently that was too diffucult with the legal system and the fact that Nadia doesnt technecally exist so- hey, why not the next best thing. Abandon her.

It doesn't hurt. It never hurts. This is just another monday, and just another box to check on a very long list of shitty things that happen to her. It doesnt hurt. It doesnt. It doesnt hurt. It doesn't hurt.

IT. DOESNT. HURT.

[irladagio]

hey peeps

so I’m writer yeah I’m supposed write so I did it’s a short story

prompt: a mirror that only tells lies

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's fairest of them all?" The mirror responds, "why you, my queen." The queen spreads a big, snarky grin. "Well, of course I am!" The queen remarks. The mirror goes silent. The next day, the queen returns, saying, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's fairest of them all?" The mirror responds, "why you, my queen." She cries out, "Servant, bring out the champange! Invite the town's richest folk, and we shall feast to my beautiful reign!" The servant hurries quick to carry out her tasks. "Oh, mirror, tell me who is best in all the land." The mirror responds, "why you, my queen." The queen smiled, but then it faded. "Oh, do go on." The mirror quickly recited, "Well, your face shines brighter than the day, my queen. Your hair, well, I've never seen anything silkier. Your robes are of the finest quality and all the land. Surely, nothing is as perfect as you." The queen laughed, a cold, digusting laugh. "You flatter me, but then again, it's nothing but the truth." Her eyes looked slyly. The servant returned to inform the queen everything was prepared for her feast. She clapped and made her way to her dining room. Again with the day that followed, she made her way to the mirror. She gasped and almost fainted as she saw her mirror was not there. She screeched for her guards. "Guards! Come now! My precious mirror has gone missing," she cried. "It must have been stolen! One of those retched guests must have taken it!. To think I grace them by inviting them to my castle. The thought of being in my presence alone should have brought them to their knees, yet they have the audicity to steal from me. SEARCH ALL THEIR HOMES AT ONCE!" The guards nodded, "Yes, my queen." and left swiftly. The queen returned to her bedroom, reassuring herself that the mirror would turn up. She thought to herself, "Surely those peasants wouldn't dare to steal from me." She scoffed at the thought of it. The next day, the guards knocked at the door of the queen. "Enter." The guard did so, saying, "My queen, we have found the perpetrator. We've jailed him in your dungeon below." She motioned for him to leave. She would get everything she needed from this retched thief. The queen began to get dressed in her finest silk, and made her way down to the dungeon. She entered, immediately going to the thief's cell. "WHERE IS MY MIRROR?" she demanded. "I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS." The man looked up, wide-eyed, and said, " P-please, spare me! I only wanted to see if the mirror had the answer to how to cure my daughter! Once I heard you had a mirror that knows anything, I thought it could help save my daughter from her illness!" I-" The queen clenched her teeth. "QUIET! I do not care about your sob story. Tell me what you did with my mirror and perhaps I'll consider sparing your pathetic life." The man calmed as he spoke, "It's in my basement. B-but, the mirror doesn't even work, it gave me a completely useless and incorrect answer." The queen angered quickly. "Do not tell me what my mirror can do! It is always right! It probably doesn't work for you because you're a pathetic thief!" She called to her guards to search the man's house once again to retrieve her mirror. The queen left the dungeon, leaving the man still scared for his life. The next day, the queen happily went to her mirror, rejoicing at its return. "Mirror, I am very glad you back, it was so diffucult without someone to constantly revel in my beauty." The mirror responded, "I missed you too, my queen." And so, the queen lived on with her mirror, never knowing that it always lied from the start. 

[youmyjhope]

I didnt expect it honestly.

But it makes sense.

The festa started very light hearted, the vibe was cool. I didnt expect it to become this emotional and heavy.

And it progressed slowly. I had to process so much in my head until i finally broke down. When they started saying their "final" words,thats when i realized the shit was real and got emotional. I felt many things... Tomorrow, i'll rewatch it again.

Everything suddenly makes sense. Some questions people have been asking in the last two years are answered. And to know the truth feels kind of good, as if some weights been lifted from my shoulders. And it's the same for them.

But i'm also sad. Its interesting -The first festa i had was in 2020, and comparing how i feel now vs how i felt then? Bts changed my life then, Completely. Im thankful to them. At the moments like the one today, i once again realize their big impact on me. Theres no one like bts, the experinces they give you are unique.The things you feel, the life you live with them. I know all armys understand whay i mean.

So these news, you cant really take it without being emotional. Because of everything, yes. Now i have thoughts about bts, and they are not the same as before the festa. Its like, damn is this era ive been in the last two years is really over?

But the new chapter is coming. And the way bts were talking about it... it gave me hope.

Many amazing things for each member are going to come out of it. And that's how they can be who they are for the longest time, the BTS. The group of amazing individuals.

I still have many thoughts regarding all of this. I guess now, i will just say that i appreciate their honesty, truly. I love them, i love how they went about all these diffucult things today.

And Im very excited for the new things. J-Hope solo album? He's the first to do it???? I couldn't be more happier. All the things ahead of us, are going to be great. We need to wait and see.

[margarethx]

The Sambucky fandom spends a lot of time and energy on calling out writers for using problematic, often straight up racist, tropes in their fics. And rightfully so, because some of said tropes are not only unplesant to read for many readers, but also harmful if they help to perpetuate some awful stereotypes. That being said... I feel like we need to show the other side of the spectrum more often and sometimes focus on people who don’t make these mistakes.

----- ------- -----

So here is my personal THANK YOU! to all the writers who have never used these offensive stereotypes in their Sambucky fanfiction and who:

1. Give as much attention to Sam’s side of the story as they give to Bucky’s and do not focus solely on Bucky’s emotions about their developing relationship when it’s a mixed POV.

2. Acknowledge Sam’s trauma and all the loss he experienced in the past (not only in the context where his pain is used to help him better connect with another person who’s hurting).

3. Show other characters (Bucky or not) helping Sam go through his more diffucult moments (bad days, nightmares, painful flashbacks).

4. Show Sam having these more difficult moments.

5. Don’t act like Bucky’s traumatic past is enough of an excuse for his unpleasant behaviour towards Sam. (E.g. they don’t write a story where Sam forgives Bucky every mean, ignorant comment without thinking, just because Bucky’s sad.)

6. Show Sam experiencing variety of emotions - not just frustration and adoration towards Bucky. Show him being sad, happy, disappointed, confused, hopeful, dejected, relieved, terrified, confident etc.

7. Show Sam being the more vulnerable one in the relationship (in general or just in cerain situations)

8. Write scenes where Sam is shy or a little awkward (about his relationship with Bucky or about something else). Also write him being insecure sometimes.

9. Write just as much about Sam’s appearance as they do about Bucky’s. (Both as a narrator and through a character’s compliments or thoughts.)

10. Mention how beautiful Sam’s eyes are... especially if there is more than one line about them. (Plus mention their colour like... at all.)

11. Describe Sam’s appearance focusing on something outside of his smile or muscles. (Not that these are not nice, but there are other things to compliment and they’re hardly ever pointed out.) (Very much including hair or skincolour.)

12. Write Sam making mistakes, but not in a way that insinuates that he’s stupid or incompetent, but in a way that shows he’s a normal person who can sometimes be wrong and own up to it. (Unless he’s the only person in the story who always messes up...)

13. Show Sam being very competent. And show Bucky appreciating Sam’s competence, skills, and knowledge in various fields. (Also write Sam being a badass.)

14. Write about Sam’s background in pararescue, his medical training, skills in combat, flexibility, speed, ability to fly, ability to fix his advanced equipment, strenght, the fact that he’s pretty stealthy etc...

15. Write about the importance of Sam’s relationship with Steve even when Steve’s past connection to Bucky is not relevant to the story at any point.

16. Write Bucky being openly grateful for all the things that Sam did for him and write Bucky helping Sam back even when Sam didn’t specifically ask, because they genuinely care about each other.

17. Write about Sam’s past as a therapist not in the context of him helping Bucky get better, but because it’s relevant to the story and it’s something he has a lot of experience with. Or simply because it’s a significant part of his previous life journey.

18. Show Sam being frustrated or angry without falling into bad stereotypes. And show why his anger was justified and he had the right to react like that, because he doesn’t have to be polite and dyplomatic about everything if other people (Bucky very much included) don’t act respectful towards him in the first place.

19. Acknowledge that Sam is AJ and Cass’s actual uncle. The kids might like Bucky, but they’ve known and loved Sam for way longer... and I rarely see that mentioned.

20. Write about Sam’s past romantic relationships without focusing only on Bucky being jealous about them.

21. Show Sam’s interactions with other characters - not just in a romantic context, but also in terms of friendships (MCU Natasha was closer to Sam than Bucky and fics rarely talk about that), professional cooperation, rivalry and so on.

22. Mention the social commentary brought up in tfatws without brushing it to the side or downplaying the importance of Sam’s race in the formation of his character and storyline.

23. Acknowledge that Sam is human and his body is not enhanced in any way... without making it sound like he’s too weak to do the job.

24. But also... write about Bucky using his super strenght to carry Sam around and to pick him up all the time (for whatever reason), because it’s cute. Sue me.

25. Point out that Sam is slightly shorter than Bucky without always making Sam weirdly insecure about it.

26. Write Sam as Bucky’s first choice... not a second option he picked for the lack of a better candidate for a boyfriend.

27. Understand that Sam has a life outside of Bucky even if their friendship and romantic relationship are obviously very important for him.

28. Write Bucky touching Sam in reassuring, delicate ways. (Holding his hands,  cupping his face, touching his hair, kissing the tip of his nose.)

29. Let Sam make harmless jokes, be charming, and be actually a nice person even when he’s not actively helping anyone. Just let him have a complex, but pleasant personality.

30. Let him be sarcastic without making him mean.

31. Add Figaro (Sam’s cat) to the stories about pets. Or show Sam’s emotional attachment to Redwing, even when it’s still a drone, not a bird.

32. Don’t forget that Riley died. And Sam’s parents died. And his close friends died. And other close friend left him without saying goodbye... etc. (Also don’t forget he himself died at one point...)

33. Mention and discuss Sam’s sexuality and romantic orientation (both in the tags to the story and in the actual text). ...I feel like it’s often unspecified for no reason while Bucky’s identity is clear from the start.

34. Give Sam little hobbys and interests that are unrelated to his work or his ability to make other people’s lives better.

35. Write about Sam’s fears and doubts while not forgetting he’s generally a very brave, mostly confident person.

36. Make the audience feel like Sam is a necessary part of the story. Not just a character added hastily at the end of writing just so the author can tag his name, because the ship he’s a part of is currently more popular than before and showind him at last minute will attract some readers to click.

and... 37. Do the things mentioned above in all of their Sambucky stories and use more than one of these ideas at a time.

----- ------- -----

To people who wrote stories with these tropes... You guys are doing a great job and I appreaciate your work a lot. It’s easy to focus on complaining, because the Sam/Bucky tag on Ao3 was always kind of a mess, but my day genuinely gets better every time I find one of your stories. So thank you again and keep it up :>

(Side note: if you have any recommendations for fics that use the ideas I wrote in this post feel free to link them in the comments. Because the bar is hanging pretty low at this point and some authors still wouldn’t be able to cross a single point from my list if they examined their - allegendly - “Sambucky” stories... so we should promote the content that is actually good.)

[writingquestionsanswered]

Hi!

There's multiple coutry included in my story, before pandemic I was planning to visit them in order to gain experiences and idea but now it's kinda.....diffucult. I know I can do research on the internet, but it's just not the same.

Lately I met a guy from one of the country I've never been yet and he even lived on the exact city I'm writing. I asked him if I could ask him about his experience and the place (he said yes)

What kind of question/information should I ask ? To make the most complete information that would help me make the story more accurate. Or if I don't meet/know someone, what kind of research to look for places I've never been?

Thank you!

Setting Research: Interviewing a Local

Interviewing someone who actually lives in your story's setting or inspiration setting is a great way to learn about that location. However, it's probably not going to be enough. Luckily, I have some posts that will help with that, and I'll link them in below.

As far as questions to ask a local, that's really going to depend on what you need to know for your story. In other words, don't go in with a bunch of random questions. Think about what you actually need to know for your story.

General things you might want to ask:

what the weather is like during the time period of your story

what the people are like

what industry/s are important to the location

what kind of food, drink, and entertainment is popular

notable landmarks

potential locations for scenes in your story

cost of living, ideas about where your character might live

how people get around the location/is there public transportation

any popular festivals or events

any notable trends or fads

cultural dos and don'ts

Setting Your Story in an Unfamiliar Place Using an Existing Country as Inspiration Five Things to Help You Describe Fictional Locations WQA’s Guide to Internet Research Writing About Difficult to Research Topics

Best of luck with your story!

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[sayitwityachest]

i think what really fucking kills me about the a*ber h*ard shit is that everyone is/was shitting on her for supposedly being a bad person. i dont know enough about her and i really dont care because what people seem to really not understand is that abusers dont only abuse "nice" people, anyone can be a victim. and those conditions the victims live in arent conducive to being a nice person at all, the opposite really. it really reminds me of how in Parasite, one character is saying that she'd be nice if she had a lot of money, too. im not saying that poor people, marginalized people, and abuse victims are Bad, they just live in certain circumstances where it becomes very diffucult to be "nice." and abuse victims in particular do all sorts of shit that doesnt make sense and isnt NICE.

[trafficpan-ic]

Having so many emergencies that i have to prioritize the on i am having at the moment. But when, now, the one i had in the beginning of the year comes back i know it's my fault bcs i did not look further into it when it started to go away. But I had no time to look further into it bcs the next emergency with my body was happening. And i had to prioritize that one. But now i am in very much pain with both??

[inbtswethrrust]

Midnight Blue by mintsoda

pairing: yoonmin rated: t length: 8k

flareSUGA: the universe just creates stories

flareSUGA: it creates stories with all our existences and gives everyone of us a lead role that we're sharing with someone else… we're just stories and the universe watches a hundred thousand times how we meet, how we fall in love, what we make of it. The perfect love story with a happy ending time and time again

They’re living in a world where they lose their voice on their 21st birthday if they haven’t met their soulmate yet.

admin's note: this is one of my favorite soulmate aus, and mintsoda is one of my favorite writers, it's just so different to me. ive read a lot of soulmate aus and they've all been good in their respective ways but i dont know, i felt like this was just so beautifully written and the plot is unique (which is diffucult, because there's just so many soulmate aus out there) and its altogether an amazing read.

[javisjeanjacket]

Saturated Filter - (ezra x fem!reader)

A/N: “hi and welcome back to me screaming. AHHH” this is part two of how hai is coping with the 2020 election.

I definitely cried while writing this and I’m not for sure if it’s from the tension of the election or because it just really hits but i guess we’ll see! lol 

Also Zeek if you see this....I FEEL WHAT I FEEL OKAY DONT COME FOR ME

Warnings: reader has some anxiety (lol SAME) but not a full on attack or anything, just a lil fluffy angsty boy :)

Word count: 2.1K

A soft mist settled over the harsh lines of your helmet and your breath fogged up at the bottom of glass orb.

Your hands rooted around in the moist earth in front of you, your eyes scanning the soil for any hint of a rouchestone bed. Your breath was flighty, your bones felt as if they turned hollow and avian. You pushed aside a clump of foliage and you saw the tell tell waved lines of water venturing through the dirt, down towards the promise of a bed of dainty gems. You pawed at them gingerly, brushing away the earth and insects as you looked. Your heart burned just under your collarbone, scratching and clawing for her way upwards. To spill down your lips and come alive in the oxygen in your helmet.

 'You be careful out there, little bird.' He had warned. He had strapped a fresh filter into your air purifier and allowed his hand to linger at your side. 'Not the friendliest of vermin out here.' 

You had smiled at Ezra softly, his tenderness extracting a strange pull from your chest. Letting out a loud sigh, you swallowed and pulled a small pad of paper from your utility belt and began to jot down the coordinates of the rouchestone nest. You tried to make the earth look as undisturbed as possible so as not to alert other prospectors, and then started back again on the trail you and Ezra had mapped out the night before. 

Stark mountains stood astutely over the dark treeline ahead of you, clouds and mist sojourning around the massive structure. The planet was beautiful, be it a little harsher than Lah'Mu and the planet the two of you had worked on before it. 

Codes to the pod launch sequence, the smell of Ezra's sheets, the happiness of the beetle scurrying across a thick blade of grass by your knee all swirled around your mind, intertwining the drama of an aching heart with the mundane of a hike on a clear day.  

'You'll need to take a sharp right here, otherwise you're going to get into a conundrum with an arianic sinking pit.' Ezra had warned you, his eyebrow quirked up and the scar on his cheek stretching to accommodate his expression. 

You remembered chuckling at his seriousness, "Ezra, I know how to read a map, I'm not helpless."

The man had spread out his large hands, the tattoo by his thumb catching your eye. "I know you're not, I know..." He had trailed off and run a hand through his hair, the blonde patch near his face mixing with the deep brown strands.  

It hadn't felt like falling, realizing you loved the charismatic prospector. It was more like turning on a light switch. 

You had felt your hand reaching for the light and your heart dripping from your fingers as you switched it on, and then that was it.

It wasn't a falling, it was a knowing. It was a click and then everything else had become illuminated by that knowing. 

You had felt the beginning and end of it at once, almost strong enough to knock you to the dirt floor below. 

The lines of him, the home that housed the spirit, had become so familiar to you that you felt you could take him with you anywhere. Draw his figure when you needed it, take a brief reprieve in his presence. 

And that knowing, the fact of love and it's permanence, sent a shiver down your spine. 

Sure, you had been with other people before Ezra, even convinced yourself you loved some of them, but it had never been as absolute as this. 

It felt as if you were made of glass, the way he could pinpoint each emotion and quirk of your lips. 

He could somehow understand you better than you understood yourself.

~~~~~~

The cot had never been particularly comfortable. Granted, it was more comfortable now that Ezra had fashioned the two of yours into one larger one, but with the unsupportive bottom of the contraption, the only way you could really rest comfortably was with Ezra's outstretched arm under your neck. You laid like this now, your eyes drifting lazily from one freckle on his arm to the next one, creating a map of them in your mind. Where your breath landed on his arm, the hair on his skin laid flat, but towards his wrist they stood high, outstretched for warmth. 

Ezra snored softly and you jerked when his heavy arm gently hit your back, stopping after to rest against you. 

You let out a shallow breath, the air surging across his sleeping skin. Water welled in your eyes and burned in your throat. 

'What will happen when he's not there to let you lay on his arm anymore?' You thought. 'How will you sleep when he leaves you?'

Air rose in your throat, heat and vigor quick to overwhelm it. A few precious tears escaped from your eye, slipping quickly down your cheek and then dripping onto Ezra's arm below. 

The more breaths you took in, the less you felt like you could breathe. 

Your chest thumped rapidly and the feeling was not unlike being stuck out in the Green with an over-saturated filter. 

The panic rising under your cheeks, the chill creeping up the back of your neck, the forced stillness in your mind. 

"Birdie, what's-" Ezra's gravelly voice whispered from behind you. He yawned and ended, "What is it?"'

‘Shit.' You thought. You quickly wiped the tears on your cheeks and sat up from the makeshift bed. "Nothing, I'm just..." You trailed off as your eyes landed on your boots by the side of the cot. "I need to go for a walk." You sniffled as you bent down to wiggle on your boots over your sleep socks.

Ezra chuckled, his hand reaching for your shoulder. "A walk? Honey, I am going to have to protest, it is not in your, or my, best interest to lose you to a free-roaming carnivore." He squeezed your shoulder tightly.

You wiped your dripping nose on your sleeve. "I need to leave, I'll be back."

"Wait, are you crying?" Ezra sat up in the cot, his hand stilled on your shoulder.

Tears construed your vision, making the sealing of your boots incredibly diffucult. You sniffled and continued. 

"Sweetheart, talk to me." He whispered, his mouth pressing gentle kisses to your shoulder. One of his hands ran across your back softly, coaxing you back towards him.

Your breath caught in your chest and you looked up from your shoes, eyes fixating on a stack of Ezra's notebooks that were stuffed into a crate on top of a storage unit of rations. You took in several short, hiccuping breaths, but none of them allowed you to exhale as heavily as you needed to. 

The creeping and prodding of panic settled over you, forcing you to pump air in and out of your chest rapidly. 

Ezra sat up behind you fully, his strong chest pressing against your trembling body and his arms holding your shaking breaths in their embrace. His mouth moved from your shoulder, up the back of your neck and behind your ear. His mustache and patchy beard distracted the panic long enough to provide you a splitsecond's peace. 

The gentleness in his touch and the care with which he held you was all together overwhelming. 

You rebelled against the ledge he was pushing you towards, the loss of control required in an admittance of love for another person, grinding your heels in and gritting your teeth. "Stop, stop, Ezra, please." You whispered, pushing his arms off of you and standing from the cot. You hurriedly sealed your boots around your sock feet and walked to the other side of the tent, readying your suit. 

You could feel the jagged edges of Ezra's emotions as he rose from the bed after you. "Now you have got me as up and bothered as a nest of hornets, birdie. I am missing a part of this equation and I shall be very perturbed should you continue to choose to hide it from me."

Sighing and letting your head fall backwards, you wiped away burning tears from your cheeks. "Ezra, it's not-" You let out a whimpering exhale. "It's not about you, okay. I'm just..." You shook your head. 

"I do not like to see you in such pain, honeybee." Ezra said. His feet taking timid steps towards your rigid figure.

You froze, your suit in your hands, clenching and unclenching your jaw. Hot tears rebelled against your tears ducts, screaming for freedom. Two trembling breaths later, you said, "I'm...afraid." The admittance of vulnerability and the rush of a release that came with it washed over you, allowing you a heavy exhale. 

Ezra took a few more steps in your direction. "About what?" He asked softly, his tone tender. 

You ran a hand over your face and let out a heavy breath. "About you. About us."

You could feel his body heat behind you before he touched you, could sense his body towering over yours, could imagine how hot his hands burned for you. "What have you found to be scared about, sweetheart?" He whispered, a smirk on his face.

"I don't," You began and then turned around to face him. You looked up to his eyes and then back down to your hands fiddling with your suit. "I don't see me the way that you see me. I don't see whatever it is that you see, I just look at me and see you leaving." Your hands shook as they picked at a piece of caked on mud on the wrist seam of your suit, your chest trembling under his gaze. "I see me, alone. And I don't know if I could be alone again." 

Ezra crossed the space between you, gently tugging the suit from your grasp and dropping it to the floor. He placed a gentle hand on your cheek, moving his thumb back and forth across your chin. "Sweet girl," He whispered, his voice cracked as he looked over your face. Swollen and innocent and looking at him, needing him. "I very much look forward to the splendor of your company on our expeditions and rather enjoy our banter and the warmth of you in sleep. If you were not a living, breathing, creature, I would likely keep you in my belt pocket to carry you along with me. There is no reason to prepare yourself for the end of our venture, as I could not see it ending short of a complete and total upheaval of each of our lives." His dark eyes searched your features for a response. After not finding one, he continued with a lightened tone, "That is, unless you are harboring a grievance with which you have plans to decimate my poor heart, in which case I ask, my honeybee, that you kill me slowly, so that I may look upon the contours of your face as I go."

His teasing pulled a smirk out of you, subsiding your tears for a beat. "I wish I could trust me the way that you trust me." You looked down to the space in between the two of you. You swallowed against a dry throat and added, "I'm just...terrified."

Ezra nodded and hummed, "Mmm. What's not to trust, birdie?" He flashed you a smile and ran his hand from your cheek down to your shoulder. "Just stay even though you're terrified."

You looked up at him, tears burning at the corners of your eyes. Words felt as if they were never meant to hold a feeling as overpowering as the one currently harboring itself in your chest. 

"Be as scared as you need to be, just don't leave me." He said, his hands reaching to take both of yours in his grasp. He looked down to your intertwining fingers and then back up to your eyes. "Please." He breathed the word so softly it had a kind of half life, the prospector fearing it would somehow offend you.

You nodded yes, your eyebrows scrunched in adoration. "Okay."

Ezra ran a big hand over the side of your face, tucking strands of your hair in between his fingers and then placing a strong kiss to your forehead. "Would you lay down with me?" He whispered, his breath hot on your face.

You smiled softly and nodded yes. 

Ezra smiled back, the meat of his lip in between his teeth, and gave your hand a squeeze as he lead you back to bed.

GENERAL TAGLIST: @mcolbz14​ @softly-sad​ 

[arthurflecksgirl]

Reader finds out she`s pregnant with Arthur`s child

@jaraysha1121 requested this one! Thank you so much for the lovely request!!! I really, really, really hope you will like the result :)

Arthur humming quietly into your ear was the perfect way to wake up in the morning. Smelling his hair, that felt tickelish into your face while he kissed you awake was. You just wished that all of this, his bed hair in the morning, him humming oldies in the kitchen while making coffee, his skin on yours at night, would never come to end end.

You have been together for one year now but it felt like you had known him before the beginning of time. Having him in your arms felt like holding the entire universe in your hands. Like anything was possible and there was nothing that you weren`t able to face together. Arthur was your muse, your inspiration. Your proof that no matter how cruel life has been to you, there is still hope to stay gentle at heart and to end up being loved. It was just the same the other way around. You ended up being Arthurs salvation. His soul mate. Everything he ever hoped for and daydreamed about. You and him. It was just fate.

"Hey Y/N. I made you some tea. I hope you feel better this morning? I noticed you couldnt find sleep tonight?" He handed you the cup "Careful, its still very hot." You took a careful sip and put it back on the table. " Arthur crawled back on the couch with you, so you took him under the green blanket. He softly kissed your cheek.

"Um...yeah well I feel better now" you lied.  You didnt wanted him to be worried about you, since Arthur worried about you a lot. Whenever he thought there was the slightest chance for you to get sick or cold or anthing that made you feel uncomforable. He would ask you every five minutes if you already felt better, which was beyond adorable, but still, you didnt wanted him to get worried, because after a while he tended to get nervous and anxious , and that wasnt good for his mental health and insomnia at all. So yo decited to try to hide it from him. But he just knew you so well.

"Are you sure, baby? You seem like there is something wrong? You didnt even ate your fave cookies yesterday. The plate is still full so... I got evidence!" He joked and pulled your nose. "No, I`m fine, Artie, really. I mean.I just woke up beside you. How on earth wouldnt I feel great?" You took another sip of tea.

"Yeah..." Arthur lit himself a cig and stared at the ceiling while his arm was wrapped around you "You know, I just wish we could do this more often. The sleepover.  But its very diffucult to hide you from my mother. I dont know how she would react if she knew that a girl was sleeping in the living room."

You nodded. It was obvious that Arthur loved his mum but he was also afraid to get into a confrontation with her. He would only confront her with anything if there was absolutely no other way to handle it. So you sneaked into his apartment when Penny was already asleep.

"Sooo what if she just wakes up and walks through the living room? She will notice me for sure."

Arthur shook his head while he took a deep drag of his cig "She will not wake up".

"What do you mean?"

"She took some sleeping pills yesterday. Well... I made her do it but...anyway..." he stroke your hair "Dont worry abut that okay? She will still be asleep for the next few hours for sure. And even if she will wake up, she would be so confused, you could just hide under the blanket and she wouldnt notice anything."

"I see... you thought of anything didnt you? I wonder what she would sayif she knew there was a girl on the couch."

Arthur leaned in to kiss your ear "Just think of what she would do if she knew what I did with this girl last night...?!"

You smirked "Yeah that was definitely helping with feeling better."

"So what do you think she would do?"

"She would tell you you`re a naughty boy"

Arthur put the cig in his pink ashtray and  kissed you passionately.

"Yeah...being naughty is fun isnt it?"

You nodded under the sweet pressure of his lips.

You tried to be as quiet as possible, even though he claimed that Penny wouldnt wake up.  She was still in the back of your mind. There was something about the thought of being caught that you really liked.

Arthur checked the clock "Oh. I gotta go to work now. I`m pretty late. " He got up from the couch and grabbed his clown gear. You stood up to change your clothes as you realized how your head was spinning. Arthur didnt noticed. He was distracted by checking his bag.  " We`ll see each other on Monday, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I will visit  when you get home from work. "

Arthur grabbed the keys "Great. I cant wait to see you again, sweetheart. Any plans for today?"

You opened teh door "Yeah I will visit my best friend over the weekend. We`ll be watching movies and stuff."

You both headed down the hallway and got into the elevator "Sounds like fun" Arthur smiled at you with so much love in his eyes. His tiney wrinkles made you want to cover his beautiful face with kisses.

"What?" he asked as he noticed you staring.

"Nothing....its just...I love you so god damn much!"

Arthurs cheeks turned red "Dito!" he said, gently touching your cheek before you said goodbye. You watched him running towards the subway station. He was really late.

Being in the elevator a minute ago made your dizzyness even worse. You closed your eyes for a moment, wondering if you might catched the flu. You felt sick to the stomach for about three days now and it didnt seemed to get any better.  Hopefully it wouldnt ruin the whole weekend. You knew that your best friend bought sweets and cake but you didnt felt like eating anything at all.

Thirty minutes later you arrived. Your best friend welcomed you with the warmest hug. She was the only one who accepted your love to Arthur. Most of your other friends thought he was weird for his laughter and for still living with his mother at the age of 35. You started to realize that some of those people didnt even deserved your friendship, especially they didnt deserved to get to know the wonderful man that Arthur was.

"Hey Y/N ! I`m glad you`re here. I`ve planned something for tonight. You will be excited to hear about it. How is Arthur doing?"

You got out of your jacket and sat down on the couch "He`s doing fine. Thank you for asking. He`s on some new meds and they are much better than the last ones he had."

"I`m happy to hear this. But you kno what his best medicine is? YOU. Imean it. He looks so much healthier since the two of you meet each other on a regular basis."

Hearing those words coming out of her mouth meants the world to you "Thank you so much. I appriciate that. The others dont understand...."

"Pffff" she headed to the kitchen and came back with a huge self made pizza "Dont listen to them. They are idiots. Every single one of them. Arthur is a nice guy and he is good for you. I can see the way you look at each other. There is so much love between you."

"Yeah. I really do love him. More than anything. I think he`s my soulmate."You smiled "I understand him.  And he gets me. We get each other. We dont even have to say anything. Its just....we know. We`re the same. "

"Heyyyyy check this out" she put the huge pizza on the table in front of you "Its self made. i`m kinda proud. We will kill this delicios thing this evening. What do you think?"

Just looking at the food made you feel sick again "Um.....yeah thats....great. It looks delicious"

Your friend put her hand on your forehead "Y/N. You look kinda pale."

"Yeah...I dont feel so well....its been this way for half a week now. I can barely eat something and I feel dizzy at times and just....weird. Like...I dont know my body and mind feel funny and....I dont know....I havent slept for days..." you started crying.

"Ohhh noooo why are you crying? Is there anything going on with Arthur you wouldnt tell me?"

You wiped a tear away "No. No really. He is fine. I`m just very sensitive these days. I`m not sure why.... maybe it was all to much with the others not respecting Arthur as my boyfriend. ...I dont know....Just stressed out emotionally I think.. But I will be fine."

Your friend told you  that you didnt have to eat anything if you dont feel like it, but two hours later you decited to give it a try and grabbed a piece of her selfmade pizza. After one slice you felt so bad you coudlnt hide it from your bestie anymore "Oh my god. I think I gotta go to the bathroom" you hurried up and closed the door behind you.

"Y/N? Are you okay in there?"

"Yeah....kinda....just...I`m just sick to the stomach. I think I catched the flu or something. maybe its better for me to go home. I dont want you to get infected."

Ten minutes later you got back into the living room again. She waited for you with a big grin on her face. Why would she make fun of you feeling sick?

"Feeling better?" the grin still lingering on your lips. It kinda hurt you to see her reaction.

"No. I think I`m gonna go home. I think I have to rest until I see Arthur again on Monday.  I dont want to cancel our date. He is looking forward to it. I`m sorry thatI ruined our weekend before it even started...."

She giggled.

"Why are you laughing? Cant you see I`m feeling like shit?"

She pointed at the empty place beside her "Si down Y/N. And calm down for a second. I dont think that you`re ill at all. You feel sick to the stomach, dizzy and emotionally sensitive.....Think about what it might be."

"I dont know what you are talking about!" you yelled

"Oh I see, currently very emotional with your  reactions."

"Yeah go ahead making fun of me" you replied with a dissappointed look on your face.

"Y/N. You and Arthur I mean....you want to stay together right?"

"Of course we do!"

"You love each other to death?"

"Yeah!"

She clapped her hands "So I think Monday will be even more special when he hears the news!"

"Which news?" you still didnt understood what she was all about.

"Y/N. My dear, you might be pregnant with Arthur`s child!"

The very second you heard her saying this your heart just stopped. You tried to think about the symptoms  but all you could think about was Arthur and how he would react if this was really true. You rubbed your dimples, tried to remember how one of your friends felt like when she got pregnant.  It really could be it.

"Oh my god..." you whispered.

"YES great news. I mean....if you really are this would be great news for you, right? Hopefully...I mean...did you talked about that? You and Arthur?"

Concentrating was hard "We did....I mean....a while ago he told me how much he loves kids and that he always wanted to have a family and .....I mean look at him when he is with kids. he would be a great dad. I know he would. "

"And how do YOU feel about it?" she asked.

"I...I`m not sure....I mean...I want to spent the rest of my life with him and...the thought of being a parent is stil kinda scare, isnt it? But...yeah I think I really want to have a kid with Arthur. He is the only man who ever made me feel this way. Its just overwhelming right now. The thought that it might happen NOW. But yeah...I would be happy about it for sure. " you started to cry. Your best friend hugged you tight "Shhhhhtt . Eighter way it will be good. What do you think about going to the pharmacy and get a test right now? So you dont have to ask yourself that question all day?"

You nodded. Knowing would help. You just had to know if your friend was right.

An hour later you couldnt stop your hands from shaking as you got back to your friends apartment. The pregnancy test in your hand felt surreal. You never did such a test before, so you sat down with her to read everything through.

"Are you ready?" she asked you.

You werent sure. How could anyone ever be ready for something like that? Deep down you knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. The more you thought about it, the more you wanted the test to turn out positive. You just felt deep in your heart that Arthur would be happy,too. There was only a slight chance that he would be too overwhelmed and scared. But then again, who wouldnt be?

"No. I`m not ready" you smiled while you said it out loud.

"But you are smiling! Thats a good thing. Take your time. We can do this tonight if you want."

You got up and headed to the bathroom "No. No. I really want to know now.  So I will have more time to think about how I will tell Arthur on Monday."

"Ha! You`re already talking like you are pregnant. I like that" her face lighted up.

And you realized that this was true. Somehow you suddenly felt like you already knew. Like everything was coming together. You imagined Arthur holding your baby for the first time. Imagined his big puppy eyes while trying to make his kid laugh. You already felt the love he was radiating as a dad. Your eyes started watering when you closed the door behind you. You followed the discriptions of the test and waited.

It wasnt long but it felt like a lifetime.

So many scenarios went through your head. Any possible reaction from Arthur. You checked the watch. It was time to take a look at the result. Your heart was beating fast. You didnt even knew how much you wanted a kid with him until now. You hoped for the test to be positive. So much it would even hurt you if it was not the case. This morning you didnt even thought of being a parent and suddenly it was all you could think about. Arthur as a dad. Arthur as the father of your child. What a wonderful life it would be! Not easy, but wonderful and worth living for.

Your shaky hand grabbed the test with eyes closed. One deep breath in. And another.

Okay.

Now.

Now you will know.

Postive. The test was positive. Arthur and you would be parents soon!

You wished for him to be here with you right now. A brief moment you felt regret for not making the test when he was there with you but anyway, you would make sure to surprise him in the sweetest way!

"Ohhh my god, you were right!" you screamed as you got out of teh bathroom "You were right!!!!"

Your friend ran towards you and held you tight "I knew. I just knew. I am so happy for you. Are you happy? You are feeling good, right? Oh my god!"

"Yeah, I...I am happy. So much happier than I thought I would be. I cant wait to tell Arthur the day after tomorrow. God, I dont even know if I can wait until then. But I have to because....I want the surprise to be perfect. And I gotta figure out how I will tell him the news!"

"You`re going to be a great mum Y/N. I just know. And Arthur is going to be the funniest daddy ever!"

You sat down on teh couch, dizzy but happy at heart "Wow,thats just...a lot to think about!"

Your friend told you to rest and made you a cup of tea to calm your stomach.  You realized that life would never be the same again after the kid would be born. But you wanted it. You wanted it all. With him. And him only.

It was so hard to no tell Arthur when he called you the next day. But you wanted to see his face when you told him. You wanted to feel his arms around you and this wasnt possible through the phone, so you waited for Monday evening.

You made sure that you arrived earlier than he would and put the pregnancy test into an envelope, so he would find it as soon as he checked the box for letters. He always did because his mum was waiting on a letter from Thomas Wayne for months now. Standing in the hallway was torture. You checked your watch at least twenty times until he finally arrived. Arthur was still wearing his clown make up. He carried his green wig and clown shoes in his big bag, looking tired. "Ohhhh honey. I`m so glad to be home. It was a long day at HaHas.  There was a kids birthday. I danced for at least three hours. But it was worth it. You should have seen the little boys face! God. I love making kids happy.....Y/N? Are you okay?"

"Arthur!" you jumped into his arms and felt him with all your senses.  "Yes I`m fine. Just so.....good to see you again and I missed you so much!"

A real smile was visible underneath his big, red fake smile "I`m happy to have you in my arms again,too. I missed you the moment you walked out of the elevator two days ago!"

Arhur grabbed his keys to open the letter box. That was the moment. In less than a minute he would know.

"A letter!" he mumbled "Maybe my mum finally gets what she was waiting for ."  He checked the envelope. "Wait....It says For Arthur....there is no stamp and....this is...your handwriting...?" he looked at you. The confused frown on his face made you want to kiss him so bad.

"Open it, darlin. please!"

Arthurs fingers felt that there was something in it.

"Darling, its not even my birthday." he joked "Did you got me a present?" he reached for what was in there and pulled it out.

Arthurs face froze for a moment. No reaction. Just him staring at the test and the little note that said "Soon we`re going to be a family! "

For a second your heart seemed to stop. Why didnt he say anything? Why wasnt he even moving? Was it bad news for him?

The envelope fell down to his feet as he covered his face with his hands. He was crying.

"A-Arthur? Darling?" you took a step closer to him. And another. Until you were able to put your arm around him. His tiney body was shaking.

"Arthur....please say something.

Seeing him cry now was torture. You were looking forward to this moment until you saw the test result and now he was crying in silence. He didnt even looked at you. His beautiful hands just covered his face while he was sobbing like a little boy.

"Oh Arthur, I thought....I really thought this would make you happy,too?!"

Arthur uncovered his face. His puffy eyes glanced at you with love "Are you kidding me Y/N? Of course I am happy. I was never happier in my whole life! Oh my god. I am....I never felt this way before. We are going to be a family! This is all I ever wanted in life. Thank you for making my dream come true!" Arthur fell into your arms. His head resting on your shouders  as tears of happiness ran down his face.

Now you started crying too.

"Oh god, I`m so glad. So reliefed. You`re going to be the best daddy ever. I love you so much, Artie! So incredibly much."

Arthur kissed you softly on the lips. Traces of his clown make up covered the corner of your mouth.

"You know what? Tomorrow I`m taking a day off and we`ll have a beautiful picnic in the park. Just the two of us. Out on a date to celebrate this! And when we`re back home, I´m going to tell my mum!"

You smiled "Your mum didnt even knew you had a girlfriend. She will be shocked."

"So what? Its our life! And our desicion. We will be looking for a new home anyway."

"Yeah" you wiped a curl out of his face.

"C`mon, honey, lets get in and relax for the night."

Arthur took you by the hand and soon you found yourself all cuddled up on the couch. Arthur on your side. Skin on skin. His breath behind your ear. His hand caressing your belly.

"So you think its going to be a boy or a girl?" he asked you while his fingers gently moved in circles. He lit some candles to make it even cozier for you.

"I dont know" you whispered "I would love a son who looks just like his father."

Arthurs hand on your tummy felt so calming. Like a charm that made your child feel loved.

"And I would love a daughter who is just as precious as her mother."

You smiled.

"I promise I will try my best to be a good dad. I will make our kid laugh as often as possible and teach him or her how to do magic tricks and I´ll dance to make the child feel better. I will try anything. to be.....good enough! I`m gonna take good care of our baby."

"I know you are going to be amazing. Who wouldnt love to have a funny clown as a father?"

Arthur leaned in to kiss you "I promise you, I will find a job as a stand up comedian so we can afford much more than now. I`m gonna make it work. "

"I know we will Arthur. The two....no. The three of us together."

Arthur pulled you even closer to his chest. The warmth of his body lulled you in as you drifted away into sleep. The last thing you`ve heard before your eyes closed was Arthur whispering "Sleep tight, little angel" while he placed his lips on your belly to kiss your child good night.

[chappedandfadedvds]

Jan 17th, Sunday 13:31

They sat on the sofa with some tea and now in thick silent tension.

Jens was nervous and pretty sure Lucas was too. They had only talked a little about how their day went and about some irrelevent pictures that their friends had posted to instagram.

He wasn’t sure how to start the actual conversation that needed to happen.

The words were there, right on his tounge, but he kept swallowing them down. He was too frightened to have to face it and force them both to come to a conclusion. It could all go very well and they would be on the same page. But it also could mean for Lucas to see that it wasn’t worth it after all to stay around.

Jens was scared and he prayed that Lucas would begin to talk instead, but he seemed very content on his end of the sofa, with his legs drawn up to his chest as he watched the steam escape the red mug in his hands. Lucas wore a big hoodie, that Jens was pretty sure was his, but he didn’t minded if he would never get it back.

He found himself smiling just softly at the sight. He felt good to see Lucas still wearing his stuff. It meant that Jens hadn’t lost yet, right?

„What?“ Lucas asked, a grin spread across his expression, him without looking up into the space between them, which Jens decided felt too large.

„It’s just good to see you.“ Jens replied instead of talking about his desire to wrap his arms around the younger boy and pull him against his chest. It was diffucult to imagine that perhaps he would no longer be able to do that again in his life.

Lucas regarded him for a moment, the grin fell of his face and Jens already mourned it’s disappearance. The tension was back.

„I don’t know how to start.“ Jens admitted. He really was overwhelmed by it. Had pushed the meeting back into his mind since he had gotten up this morning. He had believed to be able to just walk in and tell Lucas everthing that weighed him down. But when he had arrived he fell silent.

Lucas sighed heavy, before he put the mug on the low table next to them. He tilted his head as his eyes wandered across the room and then over Jens. Jens felt examined by them, stilled in his position, while he anticipated for something to happen and free him.

„Well, how are you, for starters?“

An easy enough question with too much deep implied meaning beheind these innocent words.

When have you ever asked me how I am feeling? 

However when I ask you, all I get is silence

The younger boy’s words would haunt him for the rest of his live, Jens strongly believed, as his mind defaulted to bring him back to Thursday night.

„Tired,“ Jens sighed, „But I’m always tired. You know that. I guess, I’m just tired of everything.“

He was rambling, trying to find words to his emotions that were just inches out of his reach. It frustrated Jens to find Lucas watch him wordlessly. The younger boy was waiting. Lucas wouldn’t make this easy for him and Jens was assured that he deserved that.

„Not everything. I just want this to be over. Like, I want the courtdate for Lotte and I want her to be at a point where she can accept what is happening. And I want tuesday to have been over with already, so that I don’t have to think about what to say to my father. I want school to be over, the tests and exams written and done. Most of all I want for my mom to be done suffering through the days passing by. As I said, I’m tired.“

It all just bursted out of him, Jens had been unable to stop himself, once the first sentence had been said and from there he grew faster with each new word. He was breathless when he was done and exhausted when they hadn’t even started.

Lucas nodded sorrowful as he remained still on his spot. For a moment Jens thought that he still hadn’t said enough to convince the younger boy that he was trying to fix this.

It simply wasn’t as easy. He had kept it all to himself so long that it got comfortable inside his head. 

„I understand that. I’m sorry that it is so much. I want to help you, I really do. I just don’t know how.“ Lucas stated, finally talking as well. Jens relaxed by the softness of the voice, the gentle gaze that kept looking over.

„I don’t know either.“ He whispered. Both boys somehow closer and still that far apart. Jens really wished he knew what to do here. And even if he had talked to Lies, even she had trouble to find a solution other then talking it out.

Jens suddenly thought of something, somthing that had actually been his firt point on his list and he had forgotten. He was so dumb to not bring it up the second he had accepted the invitation in.

„How are you?“

Lucas’s eyes widened as the question hit him. It must have come unexpected, but the next thing Jens saw, was the faintest hint of a smile on the yonger boy’s face. 

After all this time, he had done something right.

„I haven’t slept that well either, but other than that rather good. I thought a lot about Thursday and what I had said. I hope I haven’t been too harsh? I usually try to stay.“ Lucas’s eyes darted over towards the window for a second of contemplation. „I try to stay considerate. I don’t like arguing a lot. I always feel terrible to raise my voice at others. More so, if it is towards people I care about. I beat myself up over that constantly the last couple of days.“

Jens hummed, unsure how to react. But he had promised himself to come here and not hang after his thoughts for too long.

„Well, it hurt. I’m not going to lie. But I treated you very shitty. So, I guess you deserved to scream at me.“

„I didn’t even get to, though. I would have only woken the whole street. I was so pissed off and furious with you.“

Their eyes met again and both smirked for some odd reason. But it made this feel easier to get through. Jens shifted on his seat, very much aware to keep to his side.

„I’m sorry.“ Jens said, the apology short of everything he should say instead, but he prayed that Lucas saw the earnesty behind it. They had time. Hours to get through this.

„Where should we start?“ Lucas asked, the apology for now ignored. 

„I could tell you about my father?“ 

Jens wasn’t sure why this had come up first. But he would be seeing him on Tuesday and so it probably wasn’t too surprising.

„Okay.“

„Okay.“ Jens repeated, „And then you can tell me about yours?“

Lucas nodded, leaning forward to grab his tea again. The younger boy watched him patiently over the rim of the mug, as Jens was preparing himself to put it all out there. He couldn’t have started with a more personal and harder topic, really. Not even Robbe knew all that much about it.

„His name is Hendrik. He has a phd in marine biology. He knows how to sail and took Lies and me a couple of times when we were super young. I don’t actually remember it, but we have pictures of it at home. He always had something to say. He is really good at talking and explaining and everything, I think.“

As he talked, he couldn’t help but miss the years he got to see his father at least for a couple of month each year. Jens had blocked it out somehow. Perhaps to not feel sad about it, as he felt his beating heart when he went on to explain certain memories he still had from birthdays. Or the one time Henrik had brought home a rock from antarctica, that Jens was pretty sure, was still somewhere stored in a drawer at home.

And Lucas sat across of him, sipping his tea and listened.

__ __ __ tagged: @odi-et-amo85, @tayspots

[untaped-trans]

1998 I was born into my male body. My whole childhood I knew that I was uncomfortable with my gender, but nobody ever told me what to do with those feelings. So I carried them with me.  From the first day of preschool when I was 4 years old, I was grouped with the other boys and experienced my first misgendering. I didn’t know what it meant to not fit in with my gender, so I carried the weight of discomfort with my gender all these years. Time and time again I sacrificed my true self to fit in with all the others in my academic career all the way through college.

I simply lacked the education about what it means to be transgender, and  I would have not had so many doubts about myself if I had just understood what I was experiencing. Not knowing what I was feeling caused me a lot of fear, and that fear turned into shame. I always took the route that was easier instead of what was right for me, always giving in to the fear of what ifs. I wish that I had started transitioning sooner, but I’m learning that I can’t hold regrets about the path that I’ve taken. October of 2016 I was in my freshmen year of college and after many long nights discussion with my lovely girlfriend, and many nights of research of my own into the subject , I decided I wanted to transition and I was ready to come out to my parents. I sat down with them at dinner and told them a heartfelt message about the silent suffering I've gone through my childhood. I tried explaining things like gender dysphoria, and that my transition will be gradual, but once they understood what I was saying, their demeanor turned to ice. My parents stood up and walked out the front door without a single word. It was completely out of character for them. When I was a child my dad would often make jokes about gay people, and then always follow up with “ not that there’s anything wrong with it”, as if it excused his statement, But I was a child, how could I know any better? I waited for them to return. and when they did they demanded that I see a therapist before I begin any transition, and that they would not speak to me about this for the rest of that evening.  The only therapist I’ve seen up at that point was a family therapist from when I attempted suicide at 13. I told her about my confusions about what it means to be trans, and that I was being genuine in trying to tell my parents what I was going through. I wanted my parents to understand and love me for who I am, and she responded to my traumatic experience by asking if my desire to be a woman could be satisfied through sexual nature, and told me a story about a client who lived life as a man but once a week would dress as a woman to get off. Immediately I declined that notion and she continued on  saying that It’s incredibly challenging to be a woman, and even harder to transition into one. I felt completely and utterly disregarded in my attempts to open up by all the people who told me they would accept me.  So I carried that weight with me, and suppressed myself even more than ever, for another 3 years. It wouldn’t be until March of 2020 that I would be laid off from my job due to the COVID-19 pandemic. In a time of great suffering and immense sadness for our world, I was extremely lucky to have filed for unemployment in my state, and I got my first payments in the beginning of April. Before being laid off I was making barely enough money to pay rent each month, even though I was working two jobs every day.  I often feel remorse because now I am not working at all and making 3x the amount I made at the time, when there is people working much harder than me for much longer and getting paid much less. All I can do is be grateful for the state, and our essential workers.

That brings me to where I am now, in these photos. I’ve been preparing myself for this transition for such a long time but I haven't had the time, or the money that is needed to become the person I want to be. Now I have everything I need and I still feel immense fear. Which is why I’m making this post on this account. I will continue to post photos here regardless if anyone ever sees, just so I can look back and see my progress. I made this account 4 years ago when I first came out to catalog my transition, and I think it’s time I pick up where I left off.  I honestly feel so good to post this because it’s been so diffucult to carry this with me so expect more content like these photos from me in the future  Thank you so much for reading, this is the first time I've told this story. Please if you have anything to ask me don’t hesitate <3

[paperbagpetrichor]

Previous bsd anon here, thanks for answering so quickly lol! In that case, could i maybe get some hcs for our boi Kunikida with a s/o who gets distracted easily / cant focus on their work for long periods of time and needs constant support / help with that?? if its too diffucult you dont have to do it!!! skjdakjsgak thank you

[ Of course!  Thank you for your patience, and you’re very welcome! ]

 - The two of you would take a while to fall in love.  After all, Kunikida was about the most focused, undeterred person you knew, and to a certain extent it almost scared you, how well-organized he was at any moment, ready for anything and everything.  There was nothing that he did but work.  How could a human being function like that?  You had absolutely no idea how he did it.  Where Kunikida was orderly, concentrated, and tireless with every endeavor he completed, especially his work, you were a mess, disarranged, and scatterbrained.  You knew you could be annoying in the office - Kunikida had made that clear enough many times over - but you were also beginning to realize that your state of mind could lead to much more than an inconvenience, especially on the battlefield.  If you couldn’t remain calm and in the present, not only did you risk your life, but the lives of all your teammates.

 - After your first few weeks of employment, Kunikida would appoint himself your mentor.  Around this time your behavior had stopped annoying him - if anything, he’d grown used to it - but he, too, was worried in regards to your performance during combat.  Now he made sure to stay after work to help you complete yours.  Every little thing seemed to drag your attention away from what you were doing, and although he tried to keep you in the zone his harsh tone only seemed to disorient you more.  When he tried with more encouragement, however, resolving himself to aid you no matter how long it would take (still under the justification of him not being interrupted by you, although over time that quickly morphed into the fact that you or others might get hurt, and then something else, something entirely new), he managed to garner some responses.  

 - Instead of having you laser-focused in the office, the two of you eventually reached a compromise that worked in both of your favors.  You still couldn’t keep yourself fully oriented around work, especially not for long periods of time, but you undeniably had begun to get a bit of a grip on your runaway thoughts, especially if, oddly enough, you thought of Kunikida, or his sessions.  Kunikida recognized that this was a part of who you were, something he shouldn’t regard as something that could be fixed in a month or two but rather something you needed support with.  You genuinely seemed happy when you received his advice, and he was proud to see you use it during work.  So you started off with alternating: you’d do work for thirty minutes or so, break for twenty, and then return.  You were able to focus much better during the working times and could let your mind wander all it liked on break.  As your improvement continued, you only managed to stay centered longer and longer, and eventually your work-to-break ratio was far smaller.  

 - Of course, you still had energy, and it needed to get out somehow.  So when Kunikida suggested you try talking to him whenever you felt antsy, you were more than willing to take him up on the offer.  Instead of sitting with a head buzzing of unfinished thoughts and newfound possibilities, you could empty the tornado of unrelated thoughts through words, talking about just nearly everything with Kunikida.  On the first day that you were assigned to a battlefield mission after you’d begun training, as you readied your battle gear and rattled off your thoughts, one in particular, which you hadn’t even realized was there, escaped.  “I love you, by the way.”  And never in your life had you been so present and grounded in a situation, thinking of absolutely nothing, mind blank as though contents erased, as you were in the moments of silence after.  

 - To your surprise, he smiled.  “Let’s both stay safe today.  I’m always here if you need me, or want someone to talk to - and I always will be.  Come on, before we’re late, [y/n].”