#how am i ever gonna survive
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I can't listen to the new dndads for another 3 and a half hours,..,.,.,, screaming, crying, gnawing, shaking, clenching my jaw,.,.
#just blahs#im so upset#i know i do this every other tuesday#but im so mad#how am i ever gonna survive#dndads#dndaddies#dungeons and daddies
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The Dreadwolf rises
#I'm gonna go FERAL when the teasers for da:d release this summer#foaming at the mouth#I was able to borrow and Ipad with procreate again and made this gif! Actually my first ever digital animation and I am LIVING for it#Like#How I am living in solavellan hell for months now#Don't know how some of you survived years#Stay strong my friends#dragon age#dragon age dreadwolf#da: dreadwolf#Solas#Solas gif#Digital animation#Gif#Dragon age gif#Solasmance Solasmancers#The dreaded husband#the dread wolf rises#my art#videos#digital art#Bioware#Dragon age inquisition#Fen'Harel#solas dragon age#Solavellan#solavellan hell#Daze Chroma
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more cfau miscellaneous things because Childhood Friends Danny and Jason have my head and heart always and I need to finish rewriting chapter two dammit (and redo the half-finished chapter 4 because its just Not The Vibes). i'm almost through I need to get through the graveyard scene. (i just stubbornly refuse to have it be shorter than the original chapter and thats the little death. that is the mind killer.)
Danny and jason’s ghost forms both smell faintly like burnt flesh and cigarettes. However, Jason has a more smokey smell while Danny’s smells almost,,, electrical? In a sense? Like he just straight up smells like burnt flesh and sulphur while Jason smells like someone put him in a smoker first.
It’s very much an unpleasant smell but Danny finds an odd comfort in it just as much as he finds a comfort in the smell of nicotine.
(Jason post-revival smells burnt flesh once and is immediately offput by the fact that it brings him an instinctive comfort. He doesn’t realize its because it reminds him of Danny, and is uncomfortable by it.)
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In an au of an au, Danny’s altercation with Rath ends with Rath regaining enough of his sanity to snap out of the grieving state and ends with him breaking down. Instead of being souped and imprisoned, Rath, who is permanently 14, decides to Move On into the unknown. He’s exhausted, heartbroken, and tired.
(Is this influenced heavily by the ParaNorman scene where he talks to Agatha and helps her move on? Yes. But it doesn’t fit with the Original Storyline so im shoving it into an Au of an Au.)
Rath tells Danny that Jason lied to them (which he genuinely believes), and that he’s tired of waiting/looking for him/grieving. Jason is gone. He isn’t coming back, he abandoned them. And he wants his mom and dad, and his sister, and his friends. And he’s ready to join them.
He leads Danny out to Gotham, which other than Amity Park might’ve been the only city left untouched due to Rath’s own mental block on the place. They go out to the park he and Jason used to frequent or up to one of crime alley’s rooftops, and there Rath lies down and goes to sleep. Only to never wake up again, materializing into nothing as his soul moves on.
Before Rath leaves, he forces Danny to promise him that he’ll only wait for Jason for ten years. After that if he doesn’t find him, or if Jason doesn’t show, then Danny has to move on. Whether that be like how Rath does, or if its inly mentally/emotionally, doesn’t matter. He has to move on. Don’t wait for him. Don’t waste his time any more.
(“Oh, and if you find him, kick his ass for me.”)
Danny reluctantly agrees, and Rath lies down. Danny sings to him as he falls asleep.
(Angsty points if the vigilantes including Red Hood caught wind of their presence and were silently watching from the shadows. Rath might know they’re there, but Danny’s too focused on Rath to notice.)
(If only so that Red Hood realizes that this is what happened to Danny, and that Danny is gone before he can make things right. The tragedy, folks. The angst. The initial realization that Danny was Rath, and then also that Danny was dead and has been dead for years, and that before he moved on, he moved on believing that Jason abandoned him.)
(like i said it doesn't fit in the original timeline/storyline hence why its an au of an au and isn't nearly a fleshed out, but i was largely just focusing on the tragedy of Rath moving on and Jason being alive to see it and realize just who Rath is.)
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Just like how the Lazarus pits shot Jason's twiggy 4'6-5'4 (depending on what you find) feet tall and 86lb ass up like a tree an essentially fixed his malnutrition, the portal did the same thing for Danny.
(granted i forgot about malnutrition and danny's likely stunted growth at first -- his family lived in crime alley and despite both his parents working, I don't think they had enough food all the time. He probably wasn't as badly malnourished as Jason was, but he wasn't healthy either.)
Granted his ghost in its "natural" state (14) is short, and his growth spurts were slow at first, it did result in him reaching his dad's height. There were points where it just happened overnight, like a baby. He went to bed one night 5’6 and woke up the next day 5’10.
Jazz is shorter than him. Although I have't decided if she's even liminal at all (and if she is, it didn't cure everything because she would have also suffered childhood malnutrition, and since in au canon their parents didn't get their hands on physical ectoplasm until after they got to Amity Park. So the exposure is less.)
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Danny's voice absolutely sounds like canon Dan's. It kinda just dropped one day when he was 16-17 and never went back up. Sam and Tucker sometimes ask him to just talk about anything because they find his voice soothing.
I'm not sure yet how Danny would feel about it at first considering Rath, but I imagine that Rath, when he did speak, would have had a quieter and scratchier/weaker voice considering he's spent the last decade shrieking and crying.
(and i suppose technically that shouldn't have any effect on his throat considering he's a ghost and idk if that would actually affect him, but i like the idea so im keeping it)
In the beginning you could hear him from a mile away by the sound of his loud, echoing wails, but ten years later you can only really hear him by the soft, shuddering sobs he makes. Like he's gasping for air that isn't there. The future is full of very quiet survivors.
And it's much easier to speak when you pitch your voice upwards (especially when whispering/speaking quietly) so he might've spoken in a higher, airy pitch in order to be heard. So Danny might actually find a comfort in having a lower voice.
#tw mentions of gore#cw gore#i suppose this counts as gore#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc#dpxdc crossover#childhood friends au#cfau#really leaning into the idea of rath just being a horror. the horrors! i am delighted in the horrors!#im having fun with it#i swear to god turning 19 turned a switch on in my brain because i am much more comfortable with gore and heavy injury now than i was l#literally a year ago. the urge to write about some of danny's most horrific injuries in his fights is STRONG#like the hORRORS folks. *th horrors*. i dont think i'll ever write a dissection fic because that icks me out but the idea that danny's had#to stitch up his own throat because it got slit in a fight nd he cant shift back to human until he's done because his ghost will survive bu#his body wont#the idea that he's been impaled multiple times before and it hurts each fucking time but he still gets up and hurls the hurt right back in#equal measure. because that's how you wanna play? okay. lets play. he's 14 and his best friend is dead. he can play.#and the idea that all ghosts have 'corpse' forms where their ghosts look exactly like how they died. and danny is utterly unrecognizable#jazz being liminal or not just isnt important to me because she's barely gonna show up in the story anyways#same reason why i hardly use the headcanon that ellie becomes danny's daughter because what use is she to me like that? she'll hardly have#an impact on the story and i refuse to treat characters like props. if they can't help progress the story then they aren't included
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THE VIRMIRE SURVIVOR SURVIVORS
Spectre Ashley Williams & Spectre Kaidan Alenko "Not a lot of other people have had my back since the beginning..." Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#kaidan alenko#ashley williams#mass effect#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#this set has literally been cooking in my project files since before i started priority: mars and i finally figured out how to edit it!! 🥹#i swear i think i had at least 8-9 different drafts trying to figure out how to organize the video in the frames#i hated like every draft i had bc none of it looked like the picture i had in my head and my original plan was just not gonna work lol#but ya know if bioware and EA won't give my faves any content then i'll do it myself!#and they can tell me only one survives virmire as many times as they want and i will continue to ✨not listen✨#no one could ever make me choose between them#kaidan alenko and ashley williams you are EVERYTHING#they could NEVER make me hate you#if the world is against y'all then i am against the world
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sorry wigfrid but as a fellow liar, fraud, and most importantly a fellow theater kid, being single is your canon event you can trust him on this he would never lie to you*
#*except 4 all those times he lied before ignore those times#i picked up a pen (art)#crackpost#am i gonna tag this.... uuuuuuh.#yeah.#dst wigfrid#dst maxwell#dontstarvetogether#this has been floating around my head for months#you know the trope where an older queer teaches a younger queer how to survive in the world under their new identity#that's what this is except the older queer just gives the worst fucking advice you've ever heard in your life#wigfrid dst
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GUESS WHO’S BACK TODAY
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
#AISBSISBSIASBSISJDSJ GOOD MORNING EVERYBODY#THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF THE MONTH BY FAR#THE LONGEST 5 WEEKS EVER & I DON’T KNOW HOW WE SURVIVED BUT WE DID IT TOGETHER & THAT’S WHAT MATTERS#I AM GONNA BE SO SELFISH TODAY PLEASE BEAR WITH ME#HAPPY CHRISTMAS (WAR IS OVER)#jimmy vesey#rangers lb
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final thought before I go to bed; I miss Choso, nd I luv him, nd I MISS him. specifically THIS Choso.
#jjk#⋆ ˚。 ⋆୨ten speaks୧⋆ ˚。 ⋆#god.#biggest fuckin nerd ever\#how am I supposed to survive a mitski concert in this state#im gonna crumble
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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girls when love makes them a 19th century poet and a yearning victorian woman seeing an ankle for the first time
#me right now#girlblogging#god i'm not gonna see her for two weeks#how the hell am i gonna survive#i survived for 9 months so i can survive two weeks#but i dont wanna be separate anymore#i want to hold her and keep her close to me and never let go of her ever again#i need her#girlspamming#girlhood#bisexual#wlw#sapphic#lesbian#this is what makes us girls#in love#thoughts ୨𖹭୧#my princess ୨𖹭୧
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i keep getting rejected from job applications and i have no idea what im doing wrong. i wish they would just tell you WHY you're getting rejected and ways to improve. its a guessing game that ends up making me feel even more worthless than i felt before
#like i have been nonstop applying for jobs for the past YEAR and ive gotten TWO INTERVIEWS#one of them i got kicked out of near immediately bc you werent allowed to be late to the job and i mentioned i take the bus (mistake i know)#and the other one i had to turn down bc they wanted to pay me $11/hr despite me already having the experience they needed#and i just reapplied to an old job i had a couple years ago that pays well but i got an instant rejection#not to mention all the other jobs ive been applying to that dont even TRY to contact me before rejecting me#and then my current job where ive been pretty much explicitly told i'm never ever going to get promoted and i keep getting my hours cut#for reasons beyond my comprehension like i dont know what im even doing wrong bc no one will TELL ME#JUST TELL ME WHAT IM DOING WRONG#WHY AM I BEING BAD AT LIFE. CAN YOU THROW ME A BONE PLEASE.#IM TIRED OF SURVIVING I WANT TO THRIVE#IVE BEEN SURVIVING MY WHOLE LIFE IM JUST EXHAUSTED I WANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT SOMETHING I DID FOR ONCE PLEASE#Sorry for venting im trying to hold back a breakdown and i have to leave for work in an hour and i just need to shout into the void about it#even applying for like medical based jobs hasnt worked out. you wont even let me be a RECEPTIONIST?#i feel trapped at my current job. even my coworkers have been telling me that ive had my position for wayyyy too long and im gonna be stuck#like tell me something i dont know!!!!!!!!!! tell me how to get a better job!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc im struggling in every aspect of my life!!!!!!#whoever cursed me its working i hope youre happy. the haters love to see it
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Anyway, this is your daily reminder to SAVE YOUR FAVORITE STORIES ON THE INTERNET for you do not know the day nor the hour they might disappear off the face of the earth forever
#indi's night talk#I was about to go to sleep when I got the notification that How to Survive Camping is gonna be deleted LITERALLY TOMORROW#and I'm having flashbacks to unus annus#luckily it Isn't unus annus#and I've gone on an archiving spree a while ago so I have it saved#but Man did I just rush to make sure & archive the rest of how to survive college#Yes there are gonna be books and I am definitely gonna see if I can get them#but I'm not gonna risk shipping bullshit stopping me from rereading one of my favorite stories ever#*disclaimer I am only talking about saving for private use don't repost shit obviously
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yknow when my therapist closed last week's session with a "so next week is the election please talk to me before considering dying" talk I kinda brushed it off but now it's two days away and there it is, that funny feeling once again.
#my diary#(feeling the need for a trip to inpatient amirite)#nah I'm fine I just wasn't expecting to dread it this much this time around#the amount of cognitive dissonance required to survive american politics is truly incomprehensible#the closest I've ever coming to understanding eldritch horror#there's a post that goes around here periodically that talks about how americans don't really have a cool kaiju like japan has godzilla#and I'm not really into kaiju media much but my friends are so I've been seeing more of it#and idk that post got its hooks into my brain and I got to wondering how a kaiju would manifest here#like what would that look like#but brother I think the kaiju is us#the american empire is the kaiju being inflicted on the rest of the world#and we're in-the-hills-in-the-cities-style bound to this unstoppable empirical monstrosity that's consuming and destroying the whole planet#and at this point in my life I feel like I woke up from the matrix but am still stuck and plugged into the battery pod#too weak to break free but you can't un-awaken (at least not entirely)#so you're just....... stuck in the pod and forced to occasionally re-enter delusion land to cast a ballot#like the ballot is going to affect the giant squid robots back in the real world somehow#this metaphor is getting away from me which means I'm ruminating so I'm gonna go play splatoon now#all this to say I hope kamala harris wins#and ha ha hee hee hoo hoo my therapist was right I'd get weird about the election even though I thought I'd be normal and fine
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If I see the words "Plot Armor" mentioned one more time within an FNF context, I'm going to scream
#Congrats Corruption Mod#Your added to my now ever growing shit list#I still blame the sonic.exe mods for it#this is also why Im never playing Silly Billy btw I dont care how good it is#them surviving this shit is half of the fun#just killing them in these stupid black and white cutscenes removes#all charm#all of it#these are the same mfers who make edits where bugs's hands get blown off when he puts his fingers in elmer's shotgun#am I just not gonna be able to enjoy FNF mods anymore#because it feels like Im not gonna be able to enjoy FNF mods anymore#Friday Night Funkin#FNF
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My God. Does anyone knows when it stops hurting. Does anyone know how to stop feeling like this.
#I can't even talk about it#I've TRIED to talk about it but nobody FUCKING UNDERSTANDS#you do not know what it is like to have this particular life experience and have it impact every GODDAMN THING that you do#I try to scream about it into the void to MAYBE find other people but no one listens. I try to explain things so that it can make sense#from a logical standpoint but I can't ever make it translate.#I have people I love and people I trust and I am still so fucking alone#GOD and my birthday's tomorrow and I am once again reminded of the passage of time and how I haven't done anything with my life#and how I haven't had a single fucking '''normative''' experience. yeah yeah you shouldn't care TOO BAD--I DO#I care so much. too much. about everything. and that means that literally every single thing in my life is impossible.#and then everything in this country is about to go completely to hell in like 3 weeks which means that I'm gonna be fighting for basic#survival. and I told myself I was at least going to get things done before then. but. well. the past three weeks happened.#genuinely I might become an alcoholic about this I don't know how I can make it through another year otherwise#tw: alcohol#tw: suicidal ideation#tw: current events#In the Vents#*sigh* maybe I can get Cheap Fast Food Breakfast#maybe that will bring me enough temporary joy to make it through the next few hours#and then maybe I play Farming Game again. or watch an anime abridged series#or do a jigsaw puzzle#because I don't think I can do anything creative right now. it's just not there. which SUUUUUUUUUCKS. I'm so tired man.#I want to be a fish. or an amorphous cloud. or at least a completely different person. maybe a better one. or someone more worthy of love.#but I'll take just about ANY kind of different at this point short of being a straight-up asshole
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#so ive been crying since 5:30am#ive had to cancel my meetings today bc i cant face people#im literally trying to save up all my will power to be able to make it through class tonight#but i just can get over whats just happened#the next few years will break me i know it#ill make sure i persevere but its gonna hurt and its going to be hard#im worried about my grandparents who rely on medicare to survive and get their medication#im worried about my trans and queer friends#im stressed about the threats about the cuts to the board of education#if its gone i loose my ability to finish school#I /rely/ on those loans like it or not#how am i supposed to face my younger sister who dreams of going to school knowing she might not get the same chance bc loans are gone#how am i supposed to watch my little cousin with adhd and autism lose his iep#how am i supposed to live with myself knowing the right to my own body is threatened at every turn#how am i supposed to be able to look both my parents in the eyes ever again and not hold their votes against them#today i let myself morn my hopes i had yesterday#tomorrow i build new hopes for the people i love and those that will be effected by this coming administration#thank god my next therapy appt ended up being schedule for this fri#anyway thanks for reading if you did#i love all of you <3 and i know we can make it through together no matter how tough
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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