#house headcanons

[iknowthislooksbad]

House MD 2024 Headcanons

Cuddy implements medical AI to help out with diagnosing patients faster. The whole episode is dedicated to House outsmarting the computer. Obnoxiously. (cue the futility of machine learning.) parallel to House vs God

Chase is a Twitch streamer. He is partial to fortnite. He has 34 devoted viewers, and that is all.

13 is an avid tumblr user, and is popular for her series, "Quotes from my Boss." Wilson follows her, but he never mentions it.

When Cameron gets fully pissed at House, she uploads her POV to Reddit's AITA page. Is it skewed? Absolutely.

Taub plays pickleball a lot.

Foreman discovers slam poetry. No further elaboration.

Wilson kills a man. House helps him evade law enforcement. Season finale?

Kutner gets really good at fortnite so he can humiliate chase on twitch. he regularly antagonizes him, and Chase has a sworn vendetta against the elusive 920NoScope69.

Cuddy closely follows the health gurus online. She gives herself oral flush by trying to make sourdough bread with her own yeast. She deletes Instagram permanently.

Paintball episode

House watches Young Sheldon as a guilty pleasure. He hates it. He loves it.

Cameron and 13 both discover crochet. They make eachother hats every holiday season. Cameron wears her hat every time the weather dips below 55 degrees.

House develops his own hot sauce line. Wilson finds it tasteful. He gifts Cuddy a few sauces for her birthday. She enjoys it with eggs.

[cupidsworstcrime]

Greg House Headcanons - 💊

---

sfw

He's not big on PDA, but once when you were going to have lunch with him, he was so exhausted that he actually kissed your forehead in the middle of the hall.

He doesn't believe in pet names, he (affectionately) calls you dumbass

You're the one that asked him out, he stood you up. Twice. You gave up, but then he asked you out, you were tempted to stand him up, but Wilson convinced you that he was actually going to show up

You've offered to have an open relationship, cause him and Wilson seem too close for their own good, he turned it down. But considering Wilson is his 'soulmate' you don't consider it cheating. It's just you, your boyfriend, and your boyfriend's husband.

Surprisingly, he "doesn't" pick favorites at work, he has yelled at you more times than you care to remember. He's just a good doctor, it has nothing to do with your relationship. (He definitely has favorites.)

nsfw

A surprising amount of stamina, annoyingly so. You LOVE that he lasts longer than a minute, but after 3 hours when your cunt is sore, you're drooling into a pillow and he still has more to give, you genuinely think about killing him.

He once called you Wilson during sex, sparking that 'open relationship' conversation again.

He once called you Cuddy once during sex. Which you did not understand as much as the Wilson thing (He made it up to you after you refused to cuddle him)

You're like 87% sure he's into cucking but he denies it.

He's not super kinky, he likes breeding, tying your wrists sometimes, but he's not one to be rough.

[wilsonsmcgillsweatshirt]

One thing about Gregory House is that he's so ridiculous that I would believe almost any headcanon about him. Do you think he's secretly a phone sex operator? I can see that. You headcanon that he takes random vacations to go look for the Loc Ness Monster? Yup, he definitely does. Was he a part of a polygamous cult during college? That makes sense. Did he buy a Burkin? I bet he hides it in his closet. Do you think that he's secretly terrified of goldfish? Totally believable.

[candygriff]

allison cameron is fascinating to me. her empathy. her savior complex. her innate and complex moral system. her comphet aromanticism. the way she has changed through house's influence, reflecting those around her but never stopping her from trying to change them as well. she has me in a death grip that I will not be released from.

[movingonexceptnot]

House looking up at Wilson in s3 ep7 while saying "destroy my privacy, destroy my dignity" (after telling a guy if he answers his questions he will let him ask anything) has me chewing on wood wtf are you hiding??? Your undying love for Wilson???

We know

[yourfaveisomegaverse]

Dr. Gregory House from House is an Omega

[travelbasscase]

house md twilight headcanons because i had an idea™

Foreman: Has not read any Twilight book, relentlessly mocks anyone who has.

Cuddy: Has read the first book, decided it wasn't for her.

Cameron: Has read all of them, is unwilling to admit that she has for fear of being mocked by House (understandable). She didn't love them, but neither did she hate it.

Wilson: Read the first book and enjoyed it. Decided to continue on to the rest of the series. However, he somehow missed the middle books and jumped right into Breaking Dawn, and never noticed his mistake.

Chase: Read every single book multiple times. Deeply invested. Openly admits it. HUGE fan of Edward and Bella. Has made multiple Quotev "which Twilight character are you" quizzes. Has posters on his wall of characters from the series. Was incensed by the movies because he felt that they weren't faithful enough to the books.

Stacy: Never heard of them.

Taub: Absolutely adores it. Started a book club with Chase.

Kutner: Didn't read the books, but loved the movies. Sometimes shows up to Chase and Taub's book club.

Thirteen: Thinks that the love triangle is stupid. Hates Bella with passion. Probably wants Edward and Jacob to run off into the sunset together. Sometimes shows up to Chase and Taub's book club just to pick fights with Chase.

House: Has read every book and watched every movie, but everyone just kind of assumed that he wouldn't and never asked if he did. He does not get involved in any conversation surrounding the books so that he can maintain his facade of not having consumed any of the media, but occasionally makes references to it purely to confuse all of his employees, because there's no way that their boss would have read those, so his allusions must be coincidence, right?

He has also read the much worse, much trashier (somehow) Night World series by LJ Smith, and is very upset that it's never been finished. He is invested in the plot and spends his free time sending letters to the author begging her to finish the series.

[locke-esque-monster]

There's a part of me that wants to think that House MD is a spiritual successor to Mash (which is a whole separate post). It's fascinating to me because outside of one brief reference in the early seasons to Trapper John, and the whole similar "POV of the patient" episodes, there aren't really any references to Mash within House. And frankly, I'm surprised their aren't unless it was deliberate on the part of the creators. But I honestly prefer to believe Greg House within the confines of the show itself is actually an old Mash fan.

Picture it with me, will you...

A young 13 year old Gregory getting obsessed with the show. In part because it's anti-military and anti-authority sentiment pisses off his dad. But he also loves it's mix of drama, goofiness, and quick-witted banter.

He mostly gets to keep watching it because his Mom also likes it, it reminds her of the quick banter of old screwball comedies of her youth.

Sixteen year old Greg being torn between appreciating the accurate harsh reality of killing off Henry Blake, and the fact he wants to write angry letters to the studio on behalf of his mom because the episode made her cry.

Do you remember in Sherlock (2010) how Mycroft brought up that Sherlock had the mind of a great thinker, but chose to be a detective? And his original hope was to be a pirate? I think of that when I think of how Greg became a doctor. He was never going to be the empathetic doctors he saw on Mash, but the show did infuse an interest in medicine he never quite shook.

Imagine Greg at 24, exhausted from med school and a little choked up watching the finale of a show he's spent half his life watching.

Greg starting our his doctor's career with a hatred of doctor's coats like Hawkeye hated uniforms. He knows it's a cliché for doctors of this era to love Mash so it's his own dirty little secret. The thought of wearing a Hawaiian shirt one day has crossed his mind, but is ultimately rejected because it's not worth the teasing, or really his style.

Greg brings his love of banter and hatred of authority right into his work environment. He also has had no problem mixing the bleak with a sense of humor, maybe a residual effect of so many episodes of Mash.

He also maybe took Henry's season 1 speech about doctors not being able to save young men from dying maybe a bit too seriously, and that mixed with his own cynicism has helped inform his distance from his patients.

House meeting Cuddy and him taking great joy from their Margaret/Hawkeye "pushing back against authority but also kind of flirting" . He knows it'll never work, but damn if it isn't fun. It's fantasy straight out of his teenage years.

His ducklings (Cameron, Foreman, Chase) are his other assorted characters of the camp to bounce off of - the Radars, Klingers, and whatnot. He'll run circles around them verbally, but they have the potential to surprise him with a good idea or a clever comment.

When he met Wilson, it was like meeting his own tentmate in the Swamp. He maybe envisioned a little of having their own Swamp when he convinced Cuddy to move Wilson in next door. He was always sure Wilson was his BJ, with his commitment to his wives - even if maybe he went through them like Trapper did with nurses. But when Wilson left after Amber's death, he wondered if Wilson was maybe really his Trapper all along and his BJ didn't exist. When Wilson came back, House immediately thought back to BJ coming back to Hawkeye in the finale.

Wilson is the only one, other than his mother, who knows of his secret love of Mash. Wilson is also fond of it (he maybe internalized Hawkeye's commitment to his patients). And he sees a bit of Hawkeye in House's sense of humor. They occasionally watch it together and will makes jokes about it when the team or Cuddy aren't around. That said, Wilson has to convince House every so often that "No, we're not building our own still."

[lilysandhyacinths]

okay here me out

The Rosiers having a house near the beach it’s light pink, 3 story’s, and one of those slanted houses.

During the summer Evan would walk over to the beach with a bucket and gather jellyfish, he would then walk back, go to the attic or ‘lab’ and dissect it.

He would also really like algae and seaweed

[icarusredwings]

Headcanon that Dr. Gregory House is like owning a high-energy working line terrier (bred to work) who is an absolute menace to society if he doesn't actively have a job. Without a case, he's distracting, disruptive, disSTRUCTive, and disregulated. I imagine he's an older Jack Russell that by rights should have calmed down by now, but he's still 9 years old, hunting rats day and night. Or.. you could say.. Mice.

Yknow. For the mouse bites.

Shamless self-promotion:

[silly-lil-guy-asher]

Y'ALL I'VE FIGURED IT OUT

House is either borderline or narcissistic. Idk which tho let's decide

If you don't know what those are explanation below the cut

Borderline personality disorder(BPD):

"A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

The cause of borderline personality disorder isn't well understood. Diagnosis is made based on symptoms.

Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships."

Narcissistic personality disorder(NPD):

"A disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.

Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors.

Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement."

[taub-truther]

Just thinking about that idea from "Mirror Mirror" that Taub (pathologically?) likes to be dominated by women. That fits well with my thinking that he wants them to aggressively pursue him because a) it gives him the veneer of an ''''excuse'''' that he never really wanted to cheat, he just gave into their advances like the weak little meow meow he is uwu etc, and b) it soothes his own insecurities about his appearance and desirability as a man.

No real conclusion there, just pondering my sad laughable little guy and reading way too much into something silly and fun 🙃

[househrt]

Australiacore Chase headcanons

Chase never got his pen licence in primary school and he doesn't like thinking about how much it still genuinely affects him

He's usually pretty good at avoiding Aussie colloquialisms and sayings, but sometimes he slips up and he's always surprised to learn it's not a universal phrase. Like, he says "no hat, no play" to a very confused kid he was trying to gently warn about sun damage, and tries to fix it by mentioning "slip, slop, slap", which makes the kid more confused

He pretends to like Vegemite because it's what's expected of him, but really he can't stand it

Similarly, he doesn't actually know how to surf. It just makes him seem cool if he says he does

He went to a Catholic primary school that did hymn singing regularly, and as much as the Catholic upbringing gave him lifelong issues, some of those hymns still get stuck in his head

At 17, he was very seriously considering getting a Southern Cross tattoo and the only reason he didn't get it is because he couldn't afford it (and he wasn't about to ask his dad for money for a tattoo)

He tries and fails to get Cameron into Kath and Kim. She doesn't get why he likes it

He's scared of giraffes because of Healthy Harold

[wilsonsmcgillsweatshirt]

House's problem isn't that he lacks empathy. It's that he has too much. He cares to the point that it's self-destructive. That's why he avoids interacting with patients like the plague because he knows that he'll care. He knows that he'll get attached, and he can't cope with that kind of vulnerability. House can empathize with and understand people so well that if he didn't constantly fight against it, he'd lose himself. He insults people and hurts people, and pushes them away as a survival tactic. Nobody spends that much time trying to convince people they don't care when they actually don't care. He has experienced so much heartbreak and abuse that he's learned his only way to survive is to push people away. He's not just trying to convince others he doesn't care. He's trying to convince himself, too. And he fails every single time. Because Gregory House loves people. He relates to them, he cares about them, and he feels vast amounts of empathy for them. He never gives up on patients, and he'll try to convince you that it's just because he loves puzzles, and while he does, it also is because he cares. When you experience that much empathy for people, it saturates every single part of your life. Every interaction you have becomes painful and overstimulating. You start to lose yourself. House is desperately trying not to drown in the minds of others. His ability to understand and care about people is what makes him a great doctor, but it's a blessing and curse. So he bites and claws and avoids and fights because it's all he can do to stay afloat. He's trying to constantly battle experiencing the emotions of others, on top of his own emotions, all at the same time.

[timaeuslover001]

House Headcanon (AU)

House became a cheerleader in college (canon)

He originally tried out for lacrosse but the coach deemed he didnt have the hunger needed to be on the team and he couldn't lie about that, he didn't, the guy that did lacrosse in college were epreeopping for a professional career alter , not like in high school when he joined there. he did it for fun.

so he opted to try out fir cheer, it offered him the same physicality lacrosse had a few perks to it : because a girl caught his eye and he was motivated to join and luckily she was also in his chemistry class as well, her name Anne Rodsberry a beautiful blonde 5'8 and a great smile but also he could get to watch the games for free, if he can't be on the team he can at least cheer them on.

His athleticsm impressed them so much , they couldn't not say no.

Greg being so shy and soft spoken , and would never just go up to her. so he thought of a way to be around her.

He may have joined for the girl but stayed for the team.

He wasn't expecting to get close to them as he did, in high school he was already surprised at the commaradre with his won teammates and how well he got along with them, but atom full of mostly women he'd never to build bonds with them as well.

he made close friend with six people : Kelly Rawlings, Monica Benning, Kate Sackes, Thomas Carr Rhodes , Jack Parr (ALL OC's)

They adored him as cheer partner he never ,and I mean never ket the touch the ground. even if he had too trip over himself to make sure they dot get hurt. It helped he was string too but he made sure they never got hurt while he was sporting them.

They were able to crack his shell and get passed his shyness over time and foud out wonderful qualities about him in the process.

How would be responsible for warming them up and he made sure it was a good warm up too , one that really made them break a sweat and got their cardio going. They often joked he trained them like olympians but he thought if you an do than why not do it? they appreciated it in the long run and even the girls even practiced with him outside of practice too. Ive the years they even let him choreograph some routines as well, House can dance himself and so they thought why not. it was great.

They filmed their practices and a few parties, lunch, study sessions that needed up doing more talking and laughing than. anything else. and get together while in college and always caught greg shyly smiling into the camera. He had a lot of great emmeories with them.

even though he never got his crush she started dating a Football Player and they stayed together passed college he left with great friends.

They all stayed inconstant post graduation but something began to happen in House he didn’t even see coming, he slowley hurt surly his disaffection with life seemed to caught up with him internally and began affecting his outer life when he began medical school. Slowly incriminate he lost contact with them all, stopped calling, answering calls , birthday wishes ect.

He hasn’t or heard from them since.

[movingonexceptnot]

Things I can't prove House said, but I know he did:

"If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck... you should stay away or you're gonna get shot"

"Top, bottom, doesn't matter. In the end, it's still gay" (talking about bunk beds for some reason)

"If only a tree-leg race was a tree-leg walk, I would kick all of your asses"