#honestly using 'we' in the place of 'I' feels very gender and I can't explain it

[ash-rigby]

uses the royal "we" sometimes just to freak out the transphobes who think I use they/them because I'm possessed by demons

[baronessvonglitter]

Forever’s Gonna Start Tonight

Max Phillips x gn!reader

Word count: 1.7K

Summary: When your vampire boyfriend Max Phillips agrees to turn you, you enjoy one last day as a mortal.

WARNINGS: Rated T, reader is gender neutral, established relationship, some kissing and fluff (as fluffy as Max can get), mentions of vampirism and ways a vampire can be hurt/injured, mentions of blood drinking, one mention of "intimacy" but is not detailed, no gore, mentions of eating food, reader wears a hoodie but is otherwise not described, use of hypnotism, mentions of being bitten, no use of y/n.

Author's Note: This work is for the jolabrew + withcheese fall challenge 🧡 I chose Max Phillips and apple picking 🍎

I'd kept this idea on the very, very back burner because honestly I love the mythology about vampires, and I wanted a soft!Max story, just to shake things up, and this fic challenge helped kickstart that idea into motion. There was absolutely zero information on our guy Max, so I just kind of messed with the lore and added some good ol' vampire myths just for fun 😊 Also, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was meant to be a vampire love song, hence the title I used 🖤 (Side note: if you don't already squeeze lemon on your apple slices I highly suggest it. It keeps them from turning brown and gives them a little sour bite if you don't like them too sweet)

Thank you to @jolapeno and @goodwithcheese for hosting this lovely challenge!

divider by @strangergraphics👑

Honestly, you made your choice two seconds after Max told you he was a vampire. There were no two ways about it: if he was one, you wanted to be one too.

"Honey.. you need to think about this seriously. It's not some knee-jerk decision. We're talking about the rest of your life.. or afterlife.. unlife?.. that's at stake here."

"You'll outlive me one day," you reminded him. "I don't want that to happen." You snuggled against him, feeling how warm he was, though now that he'd revealed his secret, you started to feel the cold that seeped through his skin, was ever-present in the physiology that still made him a human male, but also something else.. some preternatural creature that was just under the surface. Hiding.. or suppressed.

"I try not to think about that. I haven't been undead that long," he admitted. "Can't we be happy with what we have now?"

It stung, but you tried not to take it too personally. Max was the type to say whatever thought flitted across his brain, be it snarky or sweet, though around others it typically tended towards the former.

From then on, once he knew you would keep his secret, once he put that trust in you that he didn't place in anyone else, you had so many (too many) questions to ask, and Max was as open as he could be regarding your curiosity. Yes, he could walk around in the daytime, but it was a necessity to slather himself in the highest grade SPF that he could only purchase online from a small business in Romania and cost ten times as much as you made in an hour at your job. And it explained why he always had a scent of coconuts beneath the layer of Tom Ford cologne he practically bathed in.

There were some things that could kill him, primarily a stake through the heart. Garlic and holy water made his eyes water and skin burn, temporarily subduing his powers, and you understood why he dissuaded you from eating Italian food when you started dating.

Speaking of the powers (and that was a huge point of curiosity for you), he had strength, speed, hypnosis (although he preferred the term 'powers of persuasion' -- ever the salesman, that one.) Drinking blood powered him, made him strong, and he managed to drink a little to get him through the day, only succumbing to his deeper cravings after hours.

It was this part he didn't want to talk about. He didn't like you thinking of him prowling after his prey, planning his attack, taking what he needed from unsuspecting victims. He'd drunk from you during moments of intimacy, the small, sweet sting of his fangs was something you'd come to like, but you knew it had to be different for those he hunted. You could paint your own picture of such a scenario-- you'd seen enough movies and read enough Anne Rice and Charlaine Harris to put the pieces together of how he had to survive in the shadows.

If anything, it only further endeared him to you.

But when you'd try to press the issue all he did was sidestep it.. at first. When you were persistent he was firm, telling you in no uncertain terms, "No."

"Do you not think I have what it takes?" you'd asked.

"Babe, I don't doubt your ability--"

"Do you just want to keep all your vampiric secrets to yourself?"

He'd sputtered out a laugh despite trying to keep a serious facade. "You're being ridiculous now."

"Then.." you'd used your puppy dog eyes on him, "you don't love me?"

He'd taken your face in his hands, his gaze insistent. "Don't say that. Ever. Okay?" He'd kissed your forehead, taking in the scent of you, just at your hairline.

You'd been patient, dropping hints until one day you'd stopped, a part of you giving up.

But Max didn't like seeing you unhappy.

"All right, all right," he'd relented one night, during a viewing of American Psycho while hanging out at your place. "If you really want me to turn you, I'll do it."

"Max, you will? Really?" you'd beamed with excitement.

"Yes, sweetheart. If you really want it, I'll do it for you."

You'd pounced on him, kissing him as he pulled you down on the sofa with him, the sounds of Patrick Bateman chasing his victim with a chainsaw playing in the background.

You decide on a date: mid-October, your favorite time of year when the leaves crackle underfoot, and there's the sweet odor of chimney smoke in the air. Max tells you you should spend the last day of your human life doing whatever you want to do, and though it's something small, though it probably ranks low on most people's list of priorities before they begin a new life as a vampire, you tell him you want to go apple picking.

A part of you is relieved that Max doesn't poke fun at you, which he usually does when you tell him you want to watch Dead Poets Society instead of The Wolf of Wall Street, or when you'd rather go on the Ferris wheel than the Zipper with him at the carnival.

You typically play it safe, and he respects your playing it safe with your last day as a mortal, because he loves you.

The apple orchard is an hour and a half away, and Max holds your hand over the center console during the entire drive, letting you choose the radio station, and you spot the small twitch of his eye when you turn up the volume on a Taylor Swift song. He keeps his thoughts to himself but his opinion is written plain on his face. Ever the peacemaker, you switch the radio to an oldies station, listening to Bonnie Tyler belting out "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and even though Max refuses to sing along with you, a smile curves the corners of his pretty mouth as he indulges in your joy.

Upon arrival you jump out before the car is even in park, and are greeted with the scent of the sweet and crisp fragrance of the orchard. The skies above are pale blue, tinged with gold from the late afternoon sun's delicate rays. Grey threatens in the corners of the firmament, and you recall checking your phone's weather app and seeing there would be rain that night. You've come on the right day.

Max grabs your hand as you join the others in line, some families with young kids, some couples, and when he's not expecting it you plant a soft kiss on his cheek. Not typically one for PDA, he one-ups you by taking you in his arms and practically bending you backward in a passionate display of romance, lips claiming yours. "My baby doesn't deserve to wait in line," he whispers, and with a devilish grin he pulls you to the front of the line where the cashier is taking payment.

"We don't need to pay," Max tells her, and from the look in the woman's eyes you can tell he's mesmerizing her with his powers.

"You don't need to pay," she repeats in a monotone, handing over a wicker basket for you to collect the apples.

Max smiles at her charmingly, pulling you along as you enter the apple orchard.

There's a chill in the air as you walk into the wide expanse of land, the green of the apple trees and the ruby fruit of their production providing the perfect backdrop for your date. You cross your arms over your hoodie just as Max puts his arm around you.

"I'll never get cold, just like you," you wonder aloud, thinking ahead to your immortal life.

"Right. One of the perks," he grins. He's wearing a dark grey nylon bomber jacket, hair perfectly coiffed, and even though other people are checking him out as you walk by, he only has eyes for you. "You'll never grow old, either. You'll still be hot. Like me," he grins.

"Which ones look good?" he asks, directing your view to the apples red and ripe, swelling with sweetness, their tangy aroma dancing in the air.

You look up and select a few, holding each one in the palm of your hand before twisting the stem off and placing it in the basket looped around your arm. Max watches you, in awe of your thought process, and the careful way in which you make your selections. When the basket gets too heavy he carries it for you.

"Are you going to eat all of these tonight?" he hides a smile.

"Don't underestimate me," you tell him. "I might just do that."

He envisions what your blood will taste like later, at the time of your turning: bitter with hints of spice and sweet, the flavor inhabiting every blood vessel, flooding into his mouth as he begins the process of forever changing you.

Soon the basket is brimming over with sweet, tart apples. Some of them fall out of the basket on the walk back to the car, leaving a scarlet dotted trail behind you.

At home, you gorge yourself on the crisp flesh of your fresh-picked apples in all your favorite forms: sliced plain with a drizzle of lemon juice, some dipped in caramel, others covered in crunchy red candy. Your lips are sticky and sweet when Max kisses you, savoring the warmth of your skin that, come tomorrow, will be colder, room temperature at best, but still soft, still delicious.

"Are you ready?" he asks, his eyes glinting, irises blown full black, like a shark detecting blood in the water around him. You're settled on the sofa, hands linked, fingers intertwined as your heart races. Max senses it and his tongue flicks out across his pink lips.

"Yes," you answer, and for a brief, sweet moment your life flashes before your eyes, a memoriam to all the things you held dear, the good and the awful, the trail of tiny moments, the heartbreaks you thought you'd never heal from, that ultimately led you to Max and the love you uncovered within him as you broke through his egotistical outer shell.

You kept his promise. He knows his trust is well-placed.

As you offer your neck, the last thing you see before you close your eyes is the Castlevania poster Max gave you for Christmas last year, hanging on the wall above the sofa.

Only the death matters now..

You hear the click of his fangs protracting. Soon you'll be just like him. You have no regrets.

"Thank you, Max," you whisper before you feel the hot sting of his bite on your tender throat. "Thank you for the best day of my life."

[coff-in]

Okie so I was thinking about requesting for a while but never stuck with an idea. Maybe something with a reader who has been neighbors with the graves since they lived in the apartments. Like they’re a tad younger than Ashley (about two years) and looks up to the both of them like they’re older siblings and follows them around like a lost puppy. Like reader’s parents would want them to make friends with other kids but they refuse because “I want Leyley and Andy:(“ . They’re a little too touchy during childhood to both siblings, and it might bother Andrew and Ashley (Ashley a little more than Andrew lol) but eventually the neighbor mellows out. They’re still sweet and kind to those around them but they’re not as physically touchy and trying to talk to other people. Like, reader explains they can’t make it to a hangout cause they made plans with other people and the Graves siblings are like “Wait, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go-“ And now they unconsciously try to do anything to get reader to stay with them and isolate them from others. Like taking any opportunity to get what they want. Andrew’s sick? How about you skip your date to help him out? Their parents are gone for a while? Sleepover time! Just like we used to do when we were little! Oh you can’t find you’re sleeping bag and it’s conveniently colder than Antarctica? Cuddle time! You’re now stuck between two attractive goth siblings. And you’re not gonna ever leave. Ever.

notes from coff-in: i feel it in my heart (and in my delusional head) that ashley would constantly sneak over to [reader]'s place to hang out with them. and if ashley's going then andrew has to follow her to make sure she doesn't cause any trouble.

[gender neutral] reader-insert

[reader] following around leyley and andy put put her very on edge. why the fuck are you following them around?! are you trying to steal andy's gaze, you fucking floozy? go away! back off! andy's is hers!! it would take befriending leyley first before you can actually hang out with them both, and befriending leyley can take a lot. she's whiny, and clingy, and pushes and pulls [reader] away and close all the time. like an ocean of insecurity... but they're finally able to safely traverse her waves.

andy appreciates [reader]'s patience. he's also happy that ashley was able to make a genuine friend. they both found [reader]'s fixation on them weird, like go hang out with someone else already! but eventually [reader]'s unstoppable force clashed with them, the unmovable objects, and they were able to be friends. best friends, even! with friendship bracelets, sleepovers, going out to parks or streets together; honestly three peas in a pod.

other people think you're weird for hanging out with the graves siblings as much as you do. some girls talk [reader] being so brave to touch andrew so brazenly with ashley around. it's not too much of a big deal- i mean, you can't touch him for too long without giving ashley some attention too :3

and then [reader] gets older, they notice how distant they get. sure, school can be pretty hectic and busy but surely you would still have time for them, right? why aren't you coming over as much? sure, their mom isn't the most welcoming... but they can still come over to your place! oh... you're busy studying... and tomorrow you'll be out with other friends... well, they can join you! problem solved :)

ashley throws a fucking tantrum over [reader] having other friends. what do you mean you have other friends?! are you leaving them?! you can't do that! you chose them! they chose you! ashley's spreading rumors and fighting harlots in the parking lot in order for you to stay close to them. andrew is less... obvious about it? he offers to do your work (he's done it before for ashley) in exchange for you to hang out with them. simple, right? he's not asking much and you get guaranteed passing grades in return. just snuggle up next to them while you watch a movie together... simple.

they really don't know why you'd throw this away for other people.

-----

coff-in

[bucksdaffy]

you know what i really love about post-first-bucktommy-meeting-pre-first-bucktommy-kiss buck? how his subconscious almost completely took over the reins.

we know that at some point off-screen in 7x03, he met tommy for the first time. we don't really know what that interaction looked like, but i think we can safely assume he introduced himself as evan buckley, and for some reason he didn't mention that everyone calls him buck. a number of external factors could have been at play here: perhaps he was interrupted by chim or eddie (honestly, i could see that), or there was simply no time or too much chaos to mention that he goes by buck (this one feels like a stretch because of another factor i'll mention in a moment, but nevertheless, it could have happened). there are also a lot of internal factors that could potentially make sense: he might have simply forgotten to mention it (but i do feel like this is the kind of information you don't really forget to touch upon, especially when it is so ingrained in your day-to-day life), he might have thought that they weren't close enough for tommy to refer to him by his nickname (which, i feel, is a huge stretch because there are plenty of instances where buck tells people he barely knows to call him buck), or he might have just not liked tommy very much (which is immediately debunked – i don't think i have to explain why this just can't be true). but there is one more internal factor that i think tracks pretty well with what we observe in 7x04: from the very first moment buck laid his eyes on tommy, he was immediately attracted to him. he looked at him as his potential love interest from the get-go. he wasn't consciously aware of it, so he probably tried to justify it in a way that made sense to him outside of the "i'm-also-attracted-to-men" aspect of it all. or perhaps he didn't wonder why he was completely fine with tommy calling him evan at all. maybe he didn't question it because, for some reason, it felt right. hell, maybe he didn't even register the "anomaly". but his subconscious mind knew the real reason why he let that happen. his subconscious mind knew the real reason why he didn't correct tommy at any point. and that is because he had always viewed him as more than a friend.

in 7x04, his subconscious mind, which was very much aware of his attraction to tommy, took over the reins on many occasions. the very first instance was him rejecting the advances of the contestants during the bachelor call. he consciously justified it as having a rule of not dating people he meets on calls. but subconsciously? tommy already had him wrapped around his finger. by that point, his eyes were on tommy and tommy only. he wasn't interested in those women flirting with him because his heart was busy trying to pursue tommy.

later on, we see that buck reached out to tommy off-screen for a tour of the harbor station. when tommy tried to get an idea of the real reason why buck wanted the tour, buck consciously justified it as wanting to see the place during the day. subconsciously, though? he was there to get to know tommy. he wanted to find some common link between them, and he wanted to spend more time with him.

his subconscious mind also completely took over when he and tommy were talking about their exes. at no point did buck indicate that the people he used to date were exclusively women. he didn't want and didn't feel the need to specify their gender. why? because his subconscious ass knew that if he had mentioned they were women, he would probably have little to no chance to pursue tommy romantically (unless he somehow managed to realize on his own that he's attracted to him – not entirely impossible but highly unlikely given that buck had to be kissed to finally get it). so he made sure not to disclose that information, keeping things as ambiguous as possible.

buck then proposed that he should buy tommy a beer. i don't know for sure if he consciously justified it in any way – it is pretty normal to go out for a beer or two with your friends, so i guess he didn't really feel the need to. but i'm pretty sure that by that point, he regarded tommy as cool and he very much wanted to be his boyfriend. i don't quite know if he consciously realized that at that stage. i honestly could see it both ways, and i don't want to make assumptions when i'm not that sure, so i'll just leave it at that.

then eddie showed up, and tommy left with him to see the fight in vegas. everyone and their mother could see how uncomfortable buck was at that moment. he was seething with jealousy. there was no conscious justification on buck's part in that moment because no one really expected any explanation from him at that point. but we later learn that he probably justified this jealousy (which continued pretty much throughout the entire episode) as tommy taking his best friend away from him. subconsciously, however? he was mad that eddie was getting more attention from tommy than he was. he didn't like that eddie was the only one taking up tommy's time. buck wanted tommy to spend time with him as well, and he really wanted him to like him. both his conscious and subconscious reasoning here apply also in the subsequent scenes of the episode: when buck was grilling eddie for information about his and tommy's time in vegas, learning that they also did some muay thai sparring at tommy's place, and that tommy worked on eddie's chevelle; when eddie said that he and tommy instantly clicked, something that buck subconsciously thought actually happened with him and tommy; when buck was hopeful that he would get invited to that karaoke bar trivia thing that eddie and tommy had planned, only for eddie to ask buck to watch chris during that time; when he was ranting to maddie about how close tommy got not only with eddie but also with chris; when he was trying to fetch an invite to the basketball game because he knew tommy would be there, trying so hard not to make it obvious that he wanted to go there only to spend time with tommy; or when he maimed eddie because him and tommy were too much of a team for his liking. buck kind of admitted to that in the scene with maddie, where he explained the most likely reason why he had hurt eddie – he felt left out seeing eddie and tommy be such good friends after only two weeks and he wanted to get his attention (again, his subconscious mind conveniently not specifying whose attention he was after).

buck both knew and didn't know what he was doing throughout this episode and why. subconsciously, he was very much aware of his feelings for tommy. and all the little smiles directed at him, the looks he gave him, his body language whenever he was around him, the way he talked about and to him, and the way he was constantly trying to get his attention only prove that.

it wasn't until tommy showed up in his loft that his conscious mind finally started piecing it all together. tommy's reassurance that he couldn't possibly replace buck in eddie's and chris's lives, although very much appreciated, for some reason wasn't quite enough. why? because buck wasn't really worried about that. it was tommy's attention he was after all this time. and he realized that when tommy disclosed his own insecurities to buck. and only when tommy kissed him did he truly understand it all. his consciousness finally tuned in to his subconscious mind, and he could finally make sense of his behavior. he finally realized what his subconscious mind was screaming at him since the very beginning: tommy was always more than a friend to him. and the journey that he took to this realization was just so beautifully crafted. it felt really rewarding to see his conscious mind finally catch up with his subconscious feelings. i can only hope that from now on, they will always go hand in hand.

[micah-write]

Chapter 4 part 3:

For a first Ruth sight we had an interesting presentation honestly, not bad , I like it , I like how we are shown a woman that could easily be mistaken for a men showing gender norms are only a societal thing , I don't know if it was on purpose or subconscious but I like to think that somewhere rusty do think gender is just a social concept . She's entitled to her genitalia preferences. But harming people on the basis of their gender ? She's very cruel.

Rusty really had a good basis for her "rough but heart of gold" character. We see the worry in Ruth's eyes , we see she only want the best but has seen hard time and doesn't want Jaden to be alone or feel the need to lie about it . I like how it was so well put in place , I also like how we are given multiple side to Jaden injuries , not showing everything as a whole because Jaden herself is hiding how much it hurts

This panel teaches us about Jaden inner psyche , she doesn't want to be a burden , she's scared of being one , she want to be the best for everyone interest , so no one get harmed

It seriously is pretty gross and ridicule how they don't explain what trans people are and how Jaden doesn't know a thing , anything to push her terf agenda uh?

Thoses words are genuinely so violent , making being trans a joke is just so cruel . Terfs really don't realize they're reusing anti lesbians/gay speech but against transwoman "you can't be a lesbian , lesbians can't procreate" ring a bell ?? Not liking certain genitalia is completely fine , being only attracted to woman with vaginas is fine . What is not is saying trans woman aren't woman .

Indeed same shit different day . Back then it was homophobia now it's transphobia . The panel is well drawn , it's pretty and we feel the characters emotions well

I don't understand why rusty keep saying they where a one time event and then say that ??? It doesn't make sense , ig anything to push harmful beliefs

[radfemnotfemme]

been learning about radical feminism in the past year and i have completely reevaluated my beliefs about gender ideology. now im just so stuck on the idea of, how can identifying as another gender not be fundamentally regressive, sexist, and upholding gender norms? how can men just identify out of oppression? but now idk what to do holding these beliefs because truly all my friends would have serious issues with me if i were ever to voice this. in fact, i have close friends who are trans, and there are many trans people in my wider social circle (one of whom specifically made me so uncomfortable in a "female" space that it contributed to me unlearning my previous beliefs abt gender ideology). i attend a super liberal university where in a recent english class my professor even made a comment about jk rowling being an evil terf now.

i feel like i'm walking around with a dirty secret. i feel like i can't discuss these ideas with anyone irl, not even my girlfriend. it would fundamentally change her view of me as she as an incredibly vocal trans ally. i could see her breaking up with me for these beliefs; i could see many friends distancing themselves from me. i'm just wondering how you navigate a social world like this with radfem beliefs ahhhh

i feel you on the “dirty secret” aspect! i can try to give some advice since i’m in a very similar situation (minus the fact i live in a conservative area.)

due to my appearance (i’m visibly gay) i usually only attract TRA & ‘queer’ types to me. my friends are all TRA or some variant of “genderqueer.” i only have one friend ive been able to confide my beliefs to, and she’s more a closet conservative type so we really only agree on trans issues. I will say, if you can find even one person that you can speak freely with it’ll be a huge weight off your chest. Whenever I see this one friend we both just ramble because we can finally talk about shit that we can’t comfortably talk about with anyone else.

the way i’ve gone about managing my friendships with TRAs is to simply never bring up trans (or controversial radfem) topics. i avoid it like the plague, will change topic, and if directly questioned on something i will play the dumb and innocent role, aka just pretending to not understand but intend as coming from a good place. you should evaluate which of your friendships putting up this facade will be worth it, because it gets exhausting fast. i have some trans friends, but they’re all the “genderfluid/nonbinary AFAB who goes by any pronouns” type who present extremely feminine at all times, never even push the boundaries of gender expression honestly which is funny. (literally theyfabs lol) They dont care that i always use she/her and they honestly never bring up gender stuff with me. these type of girls aren’t too bad to be around as i feel they’re not as far gone as some TIPs are who actually take the steps to transition, etc. Being around a hardcore TIF or TIM might be a more difficult friendship to maintain.

Regarding your significant other, you should consider if this is a breaking point in your relationship. For me it’s not since my gf was generally uninformed about trans issues like the dangers of males in womens prisons, unfairness in sports, why oppressed is sex based and not gender based, etc. We’ve had discussions about this, where i explained my reasoning for being against these issues & she actually ended up agreeing after I showed her the facts. She’s still ‘pro-trans’ but is much more reasonable about it & thinks majority trans people just wanna live their life (which who can argue with that!) If this type of open conversation isn’t something you think could be achievable with your gf, you guys might just not be compatible.

It sounds like you live in a very liberal area & so my advice to you would be to see if there’s any radical feminist organizations near you. I think finding other people who think the same as you will help you feel less guilty. It’ll probably be hard since most radfems are secretive about their beliefs (for obvious reasons lol) but i’m sure you’ll find someone eventually.

[nomoreusername]

Good Night

Pairing:Thomas x gender neutral reader

Summary:You and Thomas have never seen eye to eye, but one shared night in the pit may change that.

"I can't believe this Y/N. That was absolutely irresponsible of you. You are a Keeper,"Alby scolded.

"Chuck was having a bad day. Everyone was ignoring the poor kid. I wasn't going to stop him,"I defended.

"He started a food fight. He looks up to you. He would listen to anything you said."

"Chuck's a little kid. You want me to reprimand a little kid? He was doing what little kids do and being chaotic,"I pointed out.

"I know, but you didn't stop him. He needs to learn that he can't do that. It's clear that you can't be a responsible Keeper. So you get one night in the pit."

"That's not fair though. I technically didn't do anything wrong,"I pointed out.

"We can't punish him because I know you'll just break him out. Yes, I know about that. Think of this as being your punishment for that. Besides, you won't be alone."

"I won't?"I asked nervously. I wasn't sure I wanted to know who I was spending the next 24 hours with.

"Yes. Thomas, meet your best friend for the next day,"Alby announced.

"Isn't this a cruel and unusual punishment? I feel like this is going to end in blood and tears,"I kind of joked. I say kind of because Thomas and I don't see eye to eye, and that's putting it lightly. I call it teasing, and he calls it being rude. To each their own I guess.

"It better not. Maybe this will be good for you two. Hopefully, you'll end up getting along. Maybe you'll even become friends."

"Wow. You want me to become friends with Greenie? You haven't gone mad on us, have you buddy?"I asked with an exaggerated grin.

"Just don't kill each other, and no loud arguing. Everyone's going to sleep in an hour."

"Will do, old pal,"I promised. He sighed at the nickname but didn't comment on it. He gave up on me calling Alby a long time ago.

"Both of you just be reasonable people. We'll let you out tomorrow,"He sighed. I gave him a thumbs up, and he walked away mumbling. It was probably him wishing we'd get along. Honestly, I kind of do too. At the same time I feel like we have a good thing going. It's merely playful banter.

"Hiya Greenie. Are you having a grand time?"I asked, leaning against the wall.

"Can you stop calling me Greenie? I remembered my name like a week ago."

"But I like calling you Greenie. Technically, you are still Greenie anyways. Besides, think of it as a special thing. I've never called anyone else Greenie for so long,"I informed him.

"I am honored,"He deadpanned, rolling his eyes. I ignored the sarcasm and gave him a pat on the shoulder. He just looked at me as I gave an innocent smile. You know, I think I should actually make this a fun night for my good friend, Tom.

♡ - - - ♡

After about three hours of almost silence, and Thomas trying to sleep I was becoming bored out of my mind. Plus, he hadn't even become somewhat close to it. I heard him tossing and turning on the ground.

"It's almost impossible to sleep here. It's easier to just give up. Eventually, you'll doze off without realizing,"I advised.

"Wait. You've been here before?"He asked, seeming dumbfounded. I don't know why.

"Yeah. I used to drive the Gladers up the wall,"I shrugged.

"But you're a Keeper. Isn't that the job of the most responsible people here or something?"He guessed.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean they have to be serious. Do you think all Keepers' are stuck up?"I questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I just didn't think they'd be familiar with this place. Wait, what'd you do to get here this time?"He asked, now sitting up and looking at me.

"Chuck started a food fight,"I shrugged. He only had a confused expression on his face that admittedly made me laugh. There's just something about his thinking face that amuses me.

"What?"He asked.

"You have a very specific thinking face. It's kind of cute,"I explained. Instantly, despite the fact that it's the dead of night, I could see him start to turn tomato red. This only made me laugh again.

"I'm sorry. I'm not laughing to be mean. It's just genuinely amusing to see you flustered,"I explained.

"Oh, thanks? Moving on from this awkward topic how does Chuck starting a food fight get you here?"He asked.

"I was the only Keeper, and he always listens to me. Since I just watched it go down right next to him I ended up here."

"That still doesn't seem like you need to be here,"He pointed out.

"I've also broken him out everytime he's been here. It's only been like three times, and I'd put him back in before morning. Apparently, we weren't as sneaky as we thought since Alby knew. This was the only thing that he could think of,"I explained.

"Seriously? Do you just let him sleep in his hut or something?"

"My hut faces the sun first so he stays there, and I sleep on the ground outside it. I put him back here in the morning. Sometimes we'd talk, and other times we'd quietly crack jokes. He always looks so happy in the morning, and seeing his face light up when I would break him out warms my heart,"I rambled.

He didn't say anything, and I was slightly worried about this. I took a look at him to see him looking at me with an expression I haven't seen before.

"What?"I asked.

"Nothing. You're just, uh, a lot different than I thought. You're really cute. I mean the story is cute. Just the story."

"Are you calling me ugly?"I asked with a serious expression.

"What? No, no. Not at all. You're actually really pretty,"He answered quickly, clearly panicking.

"I'm just pulling your leg Tom,"I assured him.

"Thank god,"He said, breathing a sigh of relief. His shoulders visibly relaxed as he did. It was an interesting reaction, but it was still kind of adorable.

It looked like Alby got exactly what he wanted, and maybe just a little bit more.

[edonee]

You asked yesterday for someone to explain what trans people mean when we say we do or don't feel like a gender or sex. My comment is too long to put in the replies to I'm answering here instead. I don't really think this will change your mind at all, but this is the best way I can explain what it feels like to be trans masculine.

Seeing myself and having others see me as a girl was painful. I felt a deep sense of wrongness when people called me "she" and when people described me as a girl. It sometimes made me throw up, it made me cry, it made me dissociate. When I transitioned and people called me "he" or "they", I felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I felt like they were seeing who I was, I felt right. I felt this deep sense of wrongness in relation to my body as well - I couldn't stand seeing my breasts, I couldn't stand having a period, I hated the way my face was shaped. I also often felt uncomfortable when doing things or wearing things considered traditionally feminine, but I think that was because I hated that people used those to associate me with being a girl. Now, I often enjoy wearing clothing or activities that fit feminine gender roles. My point is, my dysphoria and my experience of gender is almost entirely based on how I feel most aligned with the gender designation of man, and not at all aligned with the gender designation of woman - rather than what aspects of those gender roles I wanted to participate in.

I don't think there's one simple explanation as to what it means to feel like a woman or a man or any form of gender that does not fit within the binary. I personally believe that we all have unique experiences of gender, and most people's match up with how they are perceived by society, but others make them feel dysphoric. I honestly agree with the idea of gender abolition - as long as we don't divide people by sex either. It would be great if we could all just exist as people without these arbitrary categories acting as defining characteristics of who we are.

I can't answer if, in that hypothetical society where we don't have genders, I would still experience the dysphoria I've felt about my body. I don't know - I'm sorry. I get that there are a lot of confusing things in play when it comes to gender and trans people, and I think it's great that people like you want to understand, and I get that it can seem suspicious when there are some things that we can't answer.

But I don't think that those areas where there's a lack of clarity need to push you away from supporting trans people. We are not claiming to be trans for some manipulative agenda, or just very swept up in internalized misogyny. Most of us are people who suffered a lot trying to exist as the gender that society ascribed to our sex, and now that we've found another way to exist, we feel freer. I feel like a man because I don't feel wrong when I exist as a man. I don't feel like a woman because I felt wrong when I existed as a woman. I don't see what in that is a threat.

Thank you if you bothered to read all of this! Have a lovely evening.

Hi ^^ good morning, I just read this and I'm going to try to make my point as linear as possible. I want to start off by giving you a definition of sex and gender (just so that there's no confusion over what I'm talking about) I've simply taken the definitions from The World Health Organisation as I find those exhausting and agreeable enough:

Sex is defined as the different biological and physiological characteristics of males and females, such as reproductive organs, chromosomes, hormones, etc

Gender is defined as the (of course variable based on place, culture, and historical period) socially constructed characteristics of women and men – such as norms, roles and relationships of and between groups of women and men.

I want to start by addressing what you said at the very beginning of your argument: you said that people perceiving you as a girl distressed you even to the point of physical sickness, whereas getting gendered as a man made you feel seen as your true self. First, I want to say that your "true self" can't be the social classification of characteristics attributed to either sex. Gender is, by definition, purely constructed, therefore any identification with either gender comes from a personal sympathization with its elements and not from an innate connection to a system that is man-made and cannot therefore borne any biological bond. Secondly, I don't want to make a diagnosis out of your experience, but that simply sounds like an extreme result of growing up as a female. With the way girls are treated in every society it's no wonder that the passage from childhood to girlhood is burdensome. When a male child grows up he becomes a person, whereas a female grows to be a woman. Very trivially, the reason why I used to identify as non-binary when I was around 13-14 was that I felt too complex to fit into something as shallow and one-dimensional as womanhood. Of course I'm not saying that's why you specifically feel this way, as there could very well be another reason personal to you that has shaped your mind and put you in a psychological condition where you feel alienated from your body. But even in that case, the argument of transgenderism still doesn't hold up. Gender is not biological, so of course anyone can identify themselves in and out of it as they please, but that doesn't change two things:

1) the structure of it remains the same

2) a female who identifies as a man is still female and vice versa

You also go on and say that your experience with gender comes from feeling aligned to the “gender designation of men – rather than what aspects of those gender roles (you) want to participate in„

I find this definition quite feeble, as the "gender designation of men" is exactly equivalent to the gender roles linked to it, and nothing more. Again, I can't help but get the idea that the motive of your discomfort with femaleness stems from an underlying uneasiness with the poor way women are treated in a misogynistic society rather than an abstract and impractical affinity with the male sex.

Now, toward the end of your argument you hypothesized a world where gender has been erased, leaving sex as the only undeniable distinction between people, and you said:

"I can't answer if, in that hypothetical

society where we don't have

genders, I would still experience the

dysphoria l've felt about my body"

And, although I don't know you personally, I'm quite confident that the answer would be no. Feeling discontent over your body is not innate, it's learned (subconsciously or otherwise) through socialization. If you feel envy towards the male body and hatred towards your female body it is not because there's something inherently wrong with it, but rather because you aspire to the male gender class. Without sex discrimination & gender existing in the first place, there would be nothing that would make you resent your female body.

However, we clearly don't live in a word free of gender, so does that mean that we should endorse transgenderism for the sake of those people who suffer from dysphoria? The answer is no. Dysphoria is a direct result of gender, therefore the solution is to question the very construct of gender, and not to go through medical procedures to change one's sexual characteristics in order to "be your true self". Just like anorexia can't be cured by starving, but only by deconstructing the underlying fixation with thinness and body image. Not to mention the idea that gender is actually real is harmful to feminism. It does not only solidify gender stereotypes, and promote the definition of certain behaviors as either masculine or feminine, it also strips words away of their meaning, making the fight for female liberation a nebulous movement that stands up for the rights of – who exactly? Females? Anyone who identifies as female? Men who say they are women?

I'm genuinely sorry that there are people who suffer to the point that they want to be the opposite sex, but I refuse to advocate for the idea that you can be born into the wrong body. Believing that your body is wrong is a fucking miserable way to live, and it's also simply not true.

Let me know if you want to ask me anything else, have a good day

[tobiasdrake]

Okay, here we go. It's time to give a new game a go. I've had a lot of people pushing for this one so I'm excited.

I realize those are supposed to be rays of light shining off of whatever the thing is - a star, presumably - but it honestly looks like it's shooting at me. Should I be concerned?

I bet it tastes like lemon. It looks lemon-flavored to me. Though that might just be the black-and-white color scheme.

Hey. Uh. Pro tip, don't stand directly over someone's face when you're wearing a dress. There are better angles you can approach from.

Fortunately for you, I am a, uh... I am a....

...

You know what, I just woke up and I do not have sufficient information at this time to describe myself as "gentleman", "lady", or "person of esteemed character". I will get back to you when I have gathered more information as to my personal gender situation.

Yeah, sorry, I'm coming down from a wild trip. The kind where you can't be 100% sure if the things you just did caused the hallucinations or were part of the hallucinations. I think I actually saw the curvature of time.

It's a serrated crescent. I don't know what to do with that information. But I have it now.

Thank you, I feel like I will be able to hold more coherent conversations when I am more fully awake. And possibly caffeinated. If that is a thing we have.

FUCKING OW

I'M AWAKE

Ugh, that's like rolling over in just the wrong way so that your whole leg cramps up and then you have to throw yourself out of bed and walk on it to make the unbelievably agonizing pain go away. I GUESS I'M DONE BEING ASLEEP NOW.

There we go, information gathered. I have consulted the pocket notes I wrote to explain my gender to me and arrived at a conclusive answer: Masc-leaning non-binary.

Now that this mystery has been settled, I'm ready to face the day.

Well, the maybe/maybe-not hallucinations were fantastic but then it ended in violent agony so I'm gonna say that balances out to a 5.

You are alarmingly invested in my naptime quality. Are you trying to hint that you want me to go away for a couple more hours?

I dunno; I kinda just ruined my appetite for bedtime and I don't want to be that one person in the group who keeps trying to talk for hours and keeps everyone else awake.

Plus we're supposed to go fight the big bad evil guy in the morning and that might not be an appointment that we can show up to sleep-deprived. He might take offense.

Then again, we might be able to intimidate him with our cavalier attitudes and complete lack of regard for the severity of this situation.

OH NO

I didn't mean no! I just meant... we should really consider all the factors first!

...

I might be history's greatest monster.

...ugggggggh how did this become my problem.

Why does Odile get to be a Madame? I want to be a Madame. Super unfair that she gets the cool title and I'm just... uh....

SIFFRIN. I'm just Siffrin. Unfair.

If we're all staying in the same place then what's even the point of calling it a sleepo-- I MEAN I AM DOWN AND VERY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT YOUR SLEEPOVER IDEA YES THIS IS A WONDERFUL PLAN.

...

...

...

*quietly shuffles pocket notes back into pocket*

My memory is fine. Perfectly adequate.

OH THANK YOU I wanted one but I was too machismo to ask. You're always looking out for me, Mar... Merma....

Mirabelle! You're always looking out for me, Mirabelle. I appreciate it. ^_^

Now then. We have a fulfilling day ahead of us! Time to carry out the task I was assigned wander aimlessly around the village pokin' stuff.

[femmesandhoney]

I don't wanna have to be a feminist.

I don't know how to explain this but like I didn't contribute to women's oppression, I'm a victim of it so why is it on me to solve an Issue I didn't create in the first place.

I'm just so tired. I'm so jealous of men, they can just do whatver they want, but everything I may do or say is scrutinized and seen a as a statement.

Ugh I just idk at this point I feel like trying to survive in a patriarchal society is easier than trying to enact change .

I feel like there's this pressure on me like if I'm not a feminist then I'm a gender traitor of some ssorts which I guess isn't totally wrong but like I didn't ask to be a woman I didn't choose this.

Long post warning! I don't wanna put any of this under a cut so deal with it and scroll if you don't wanna read lmao

Sorry for the wait for the response I've been a bit tired this week from the surgery and my school work. And not gonna lie I've just been doing a lot of reading for my peace studies class so my perspectives on complacency is a bit skewed right now towards dislike. In the drama of peace studies and peace leaders, you'd honestly be looked at as a bit of a coward. I mean, really? Everyone knows it's easier to just stick with the status quo, when has change ever been easy, especially social changes and fights against oppression and the misogyny that's so deeply rooted in our cultures. Of course it's not fucking easy. Of course there's times it feels bleak.

My favorite professor once asked us if any of us had been to one of the local protests that had happened. None of us raised our hands. She looked a bit shocked as she took in the fact that in a class of roughly 30 adults, all working on moving final projects all semester about commemorative practices about deeply horrible oppressive governments, genocides, and wars, that none of us could even find the strength to go to a local protest. She asked if any of us usually go to protests or supportive demonstrations at all, ever. Again, no one raised a hand. She said, "none of you are activists?" and we all sort of looked around a bit embarrassed. If she were to ask this question a few decades ago, hell the 70s were a moving time to be on a college campus especially, you'd never guess the state of so many college students nowadays being so uninterested in social movements and social changes. So many of us look at the strives we've made in recent decades and go "that's enough for me, I'm content with that" or "I'm tired, no one is listening" or just plain old "why bother?".

And here's the thing: not everyone is an activist. I'm sure not, I find other ways to support women and don't often enjoy large gatherings just because my city isn't the safest. To be a feminist you have a multitude of options and ways to engage with feminism than standing in a group waving a sign, though that's a very important area of social change too and it's important to recognize when it's time to stand together openly and go "listen to us".

You say women are always scrutinized and that everything we say is taken as a political statement, which online at least is often true. We can't necessarily escape people viewing everything we do and say online as neutral, some people just have distorted ideas about others. I would try to remind yourself that the internet is full of dumbasses and you know better than strangers what's in your heart. But at the same time, if you're engaging in political speak and movements, there will be times your own behavior and statements will be reflected back on you for good or bad. It's just up to you how you feel about yourself. I personally think no one is a perfect feminist, there's always gonna be something that another could call you out for. So same can be said for those who try to scrutinize your every statement or move. At the end of the day, what matters is how much you understand and care about feminism and the women in the world and do you actually try?

Trying will look different for everyone. In our peace studies class, we're talking about how peace is not an easy and straight forward process and that while the goal is peace, you shouldn't get so bogged down by the end goal that you ignore or ruin the path to get there. In most cases, reaching a pure feminist world is not likely in our life time, which is why it's necessary for us to engage in female consciousness raising, creating for and leaving behind theory and books and evidence and music and art for our friends and daughters and sisters and grandchildren and women we'll never know. In our daily lives, do we try? Do we live in a way that reduces the harm that patriarchy and a male dominated culture has had on us? Do you not wear makeup, wear comfortable clothing, speak kindly to yourself when you look at your own reflection in the mirror, do you workout and take care of yourself, do you speak to your female family and friends, do you watch and engage with female created media and art, do you love and have hobbies, do you donate to women's charities and shelters, do you work with women in your jobs and how do you treat and support them, do you make sure the world is safe for the girls and women in your communities by voting in local elections, do you go to protests and board meetings and engage politically with feminism, do you share feminist theory with others, do you read the news and stay informed about world affairs especially vital towards transnational feminism, do you try?

You're right none of us chose to be born women into a world that wants to kick us down at every chance. With that mentality, though, you're only gonna depress yourself. There's more to feminism than sadness and despair, you're just looking at it from the wrong angle. The pressure to be a feminist isn't on any one individual, but you gain the benefits of trying to live a life in a way that recognizes the harm a male dominated culture has on us as per many of the examples above. I'm not sure who you feel is pressuring you, whether that be people online or just yourself, there's not necessarily a wrong way to be a feminist if you just fucking try. Trying is literally more than enough, but not trying at all makes someone a complacent coward. To look at the world and to see for what it is and not even feel the urge to go, "fuck it, I'm at least gonna live my best life in spite of that" is one of the most un-feminist things ever, yeah. I wouldn't call you a gender traitor unless you're up there touting conservative traditional ideology bullshit, but I'd say you need to connect to yourself and the women around you more. You're in a headspace where feminism rests solely on you and that unless you're out in the streets with a mic you're not doing enough, which is far from what many people are doing anyways. Do we need more active groups? Yeah, for sure. But right now the climate is difficult. Right now it seems the work is laying more foundation towards class consciousness and feminist theory and undoing the harm so much liberal feminist theory has wrought. Go support local charities and shelters, go hang out with your friends, go shop at a women run store, go just interact with the women in your life and try to center them and yourself. None of us want to be fighting for our damn rights, but that's not the end goal of feminism either.

To steal from peace studies theory, negative peace is just the absence of war. Positive peace is the absence of war and any and all oppressive institutions, violence, and is considered a "just" society. In my eyes, feminism is sort of like that. A negative feminism is just the absence of the patriarchy, or in terms of liberal feminism, a society in which men and women are equals. Positive feminism would be a society in which there's no patriarchy and where men and women are not just equals, but that women can live their lives to the fullest, where women are not bogged down by gender roles and norms and sexist institutions, where women are encouraged to love and befriend each other and not focus on men, where women aren't just legally equals, but are fundamentally happy and afforded opportunities to live rich and fulfilling lives apart from men. That's the end goal of feminism, really. Many of the examples I raised are to lead women down the path towards that positive feminism as well as negative, since both are vital for women in the long run.

Anyways, I love you anon and you're not a gender traitor for being tired. It points to you needing to go look for some peace and happiness. We all grow weary if we spend all our time huddled in the dark trying to picture the light instead of just stepping outside and seeing the sun.

[sincelastsession]

Joshua that number I left for my past EMDR therapist is the only way I've gotten in touch with her. I did request my records, she said she'd send them. They weren't delivered ever. I really really do want to get my files from her I am entitled to a copy via state law. It contains a fuck ton about me that I really feel will help because the sheer amount of traumas to bring up again is going to jar me trying to list em out. I feel like it'll definitely assist you on my treatment plan greatly because we did A LOT.

I assume that there's a place files of this nature are supposed to go?

I assume you would know who to call to help me secure them? Or perhaps we could find out. Even if you don't want to use them...I would very much like a copy of her files on me.

I can sign paperwork for you next session for you to get my files if I haven't and idk who else you'd like to talk to or option to chat with other than psychiatrist and primary care but I'll sign documents with them.

I think she still has a profile on psychology today and email...but the text number I left has been my only way to catch her...

I don't want to be nasty but if she can't produce my files I will call a lawyer. Because yes they'll be great for therapy but I asked a while back.

I'm going to send an image of your card to her and request she leave a voice-mail or talk to Chelsea so we can get that done.

It's just BOTHERING me.

I do understand your treatment style us very different.

Also fuck Robyn. I got so much "feedback" to say about her. She takes literal young men and women who are struggling and honestly I see those patients struggling more with thier gender identity and transitioning. I don't think she's safe for LGBTQA+ folks. That's imo something that should be between a psychiatrist and endo foremost before hitting therapy. Like ive spoken to mine about it and we have different views but now that I have I can open up abt that. Like she invited a client to her home. I feel she pushed a bi male into transitioning and imo the trans ppl I know are happy and she doesn't seem happy now at all. She told me to break up with my now ex and treated me like a liar and literally sessions with her felt like interrogation and SUPER judgy and she was VERY FAKE with my parents who were ofc putting on a show for her.

I cannot begin to explain how well my parents are at manipulating therapists and turning it into everything being on me and as soon as I say something in response or try to blow their cover it's WILD because the one thing they don't realize they do is thier facial expressions. They'll either over mask or forget to do it. They always trip up.

Mom likes to play victim and very clueless kind. Dad does this in a different manner, he's subject to get pissed and walk out or raise his voice unless he's gonna act right because you're not a woman.

The weirdest part of having been raised by these people. The way I've studied them since childhood to please them. They adapt and use therapy against me. They don't remember what they've said or done. They seem put out by me telling them "hey what you did was fuckin wrong and yeah I've brought it up before and you shut down and we never settled it" then they'll be like "you just love to hold grudges" etc... but it's not that. I'd like to process it all or what I can. The reason it comes up over and over is because it's not going into memories to be forgotten in my brain. It's just hanging out in the fuckin trauma bay. Like a packed ER.

I am open to whatever type of family therapy is beneficial. Often times my dad is nasty to my mom when she's calling or texting about me. I don't think she deserves any bullshit if she's just relaying a message.

Like they got divorced and still fight like idiot assholes.

She left and I had a fucked up back and was a stoner and kept to myself because my father treated me like a partner to abuse and daughter to control and there's a ton of emotional incest. Dad also talks to young ppl online and what I saw years ago looked like grooming behavior and poor pity me with women of age I hope but still younger than me. Probably because many older men try to influence young women and never emotionally mature correctly and actually accept their age. I remember him on dating sites complaining about how ugly certain women were whose profiles imo were quite lovely and impressive. He acts sorta like an incel.

My sister you'll probably see straight through. She's an actress.

I do want to see with a few sessions if it may be possible to salvage anything with any of them.

What's upsetting is that though I have a poor sense of self...they don't really know me or seem to want to know me.

My psychiatrist thinks it's due to me not being healthy and also that I'm not married and doing the "normal" thing so there's resentment.

Since NONE of them listen to anything I have to say because they're all under the impression I'm trying to control them based on well nothing other than I'm gonna guess THE PAST.

They think I'm frantic. They haven't really read anything about what I deal with. They don't listen to listen. They listen to reply and they cherry pick and twist things I say to mean things they don't.

I don't know how to have a conversation with any of them without them exploding. My dad and mom have literally put me on speaker and walked off and my sister idfk last time I tried to speak to her she was FADED and I hung up.

They all have excuses.

It hurts that they won't accept and educate themselves like my friends do. It's not hard.

I fear they are both VERY mentally unwell and I'd really like to hear what you think.

I do have audio I keep forgetting to show you. I feel it's important and it will give you an idea of what a "light" encounter with them both while having a fucked up back and asking for help because I couldn't do laundry on my own sounds like. I recorded it because it'd already been happening that day and they do the narccistic tornado and I wanted to make sure my words weren't twisted more.

I wish I had more recorded. It's wild.

I'm concerned my dad is fucking with Piper's head but she's already a shitshow (I love my sister but I'm gonna fuss about her crap still)

I feel like I'm playing Squid Games and talking to any of them is a test.

My dad has told me to kill myself and to die and he's left me alone in the hospital after relieving my mom where I was then abused and left in a waiting room with a dead phone and no way to go pee for HOURS because my back was out.

We almost sued OLOL for the maltreatment.

This is not the first time I've been left alone in a hospital and abused.

People think I'm a hypochondriac but I just have a special interest in medical. I grew up in medical environments. Knowing as much as I can retain has kept me safe from further misdiagnosis and malpractice bullshit. I wish I could actually just gent sent to a mayo clinic or idk one of the big hospitals where they use diagnosticians and run you through the gambit.

I know it's not a thing unless ppl are very sick. I mean it was traumatic as a child to be put in NIH testing for a Dermatomyositis study. I don't remember meeting other kids. I just met Ted Kennedy one day while I was playing waiting on another test. It was scary being like 8 and seeing secret service fill a room and guard a door so he could have a photo with me. He did talk to me a ton and I really don't remember what he said. My parents were thrilled and I'm sure there's a cat piss stained picture somewhere.

Did you know that my sister and dad just threw a ton of my things away and donated or tossed most of my books. I had a massive bookshelf. Now it's covered with things that are mine and shit my sister used to make her room aesthetic without asking me.

It has always been hard to go home and get anything from her. I really just want to take everything that was or is mine. Things I gave her and things she stole.

I don't think she realizes I have 2yrs to file a report on the assault and I could take her to court for emotional distress too and probably more.

I've never gotten justice for any of the things that have happened to me.

I wish I could just send all thier asses to prison but they wouldn't survive.

They all think I won't do anything. That's been taunted at me.

They have no clue. They have no clue what they created and they have no clue what goes on in my head.

Sometimes I think that there's something supernatural at play.

I believe in those sorts of things. I don't talk about it much enthusiastically because ofc people like to shit on it.

I know most of the things that haven't been proven by science will eventually be.

I know that also it does exist. Our govt wouldn't have done studies to use ppl with ability for war purposes.

I know a lot of cold reading is fueled by trauma. I don't like to cold read. I think people who sell cold reads etc are just very good at telling others what they want to hear...or they're so desperate they will truly take advice.

When I read things come through and there's this process. It's mind's eye where pictures and words come through. Then I just ask about what I see or deliver whatever messages. I was pushed out of a group that was threatened by my reading. They were threatened because they are frauds. If a message doesn't make sense for someone then I tell them to just take what makes sense. It's often like a crowded room when I read for people. It's been a while since I tried beyond simple shit. I've scared the crap out of friends holding thier hand and reading them. Because they never told me about the people I relayed messages. I didn't just guess. I opened myself up to it and flooded in.

Sometimes I want to get Reiki certification so I can just do that for ppl. I was told by a master that I was a natural energy worker. I was told by native shamans that I was a gatekeeper. My grandmothers had thier little superstitious practices.

This is the part you'll probably want to ask more about if I haven't talked abt it. I've exorcized a demonic or spiritual entity out of a person before. There's no way to prove it. I know what I saw and heard. I wasn't high.

It makes me wonder how many cases are actually supernatural and how many are actually just mental illness.

Also it's been driving me insane Joshua but I know you somehow outside of therapy. I do wonder if we've just been at the same place at the same time more than once and that's why I remember your face or if we have many mutual ppl. This is a big city small town so who knows. I hope it doesn't fuck up th Or you have a doppelganger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idk.

I think one reason ppl think me and Travis would be a pair is because he's just a really kind good person. This extends beyond me and to others he knows. His family really is picturesque. They are excellent people. He will make someone incredibly happy one day. I am really bothered by people passing him over. He's actually looking for a therapist. I wouldn't be bothered if any of my friends saw you as a patient. The whole "oh no we can't do therapy with people you know" thing imo is silly. People in this state all know each other to the point it's just goofy.

My partner called me all excited that he didn't have to work overnight. He called because he was going out and felt bad that he wouldn't get to chat with me and had planned on doing so and had been excited to do so. He actually said "I Love you" more than once and I told him to go have fun. Saying I Love you is difficult for him sometimes. Am I sad I'm not getting to talk to him? Yes. Am I happy he got out of a stressful work night to enjoy time with his buddies or other partner? Yes, why wouldn't I be? I do get sad that I can't be there but it's still better than half the mfers that are just overgrown fuckbois etc that don't even have the emotional maturity to call.

I'm gonna go smoke out, do smol bit of laundry in my travel laundry bucket thing, eat decent food, stay up to an asinine hour, and play Sims4.

Hopefully no dumb bullshit occurs.

I cannot and I'm not the one this evening.

Goodnight

[adamnablelittledevil]

I think another important thing is why any of these characters act the way they do. Do they have a reason to, not justify, but explain it? They do. They have all been physically/sexually/mentally/emotionally abused, victims of racial oppression, segregation laws, human traffic or queerphobia etc. Those things change who you are as a person and not in a good way. At best, you get tormented, but learn to overcome it and live a good life. At worst, you commit suicide or you become an abuser yourself and keep the cycle going. And all these people were born and raised at a time the advanced conversations we have on mental health (or race, gender, sexuality and pretty much everything else) weren't happening and the very few that were indeed happening weren't as accessible as nowadays. They're reproducing patterns they saw during their time. Not to mention this has been going on for decades/centuries. That's more than a human lifetime. And even if we can relate to some of it, we're lucky enough to not relate to all of it and not for that long.

Add being turned into a vampire on top of that, which the show has implied changes the way their body, but also their minds operate. It heightens their senses and emotions and sometimes they act like animals, more based on impulse than logic. And it's not like there's therapy for vampires to try to work it out. That's not to say that they should get a pass for everything they do and keep that behavior. No, they should deal with the outcome of their terrible mistakes and hopefully feel regret, remorse and try to evolve as individuals. It is a struggle to deal with all that, the love, the hate, the anger, the regret, the numbness, the hunger, the despair, but at least they have eternity to try and figure this out, to see if they can really earn forgiveness from each other and themselves in order to move forward. They should use and make the most of it, which is why I love when Louis says "thank you for the nights in front me of me where I might learn how to live honestly".

And, personally, I believe there are many ways you can deal with abuse and someone that has hurt or neglected you. I've been through this multiple times and my reaction depends on the case. There is one person that based on what I know, never had a reason to explain their actions. If they have, they never told me anything. They came from a family that gave them a lot. Might not have been perfect, but certainly raised them in a way they could've treated people better. And they simply... didn't. And they would regret it for a moment and then do everything again. Never show a real commitment to change and work it out. There's somebody else that wasn't necessarily abusive, but neglected me and I couldn't rely on the times I needed help. But even though I'm not that close to them, I understand it, because I know that person did have reasons and was probably acting on survival mode. Because I've done that too, there were times I was too far deep in my depression to do anything for anybody else. It still happens. It's just one of those things that it sucks for everybody involved and we're just consequences of a situation we don't have control in. It also depends on how I feel about them...

Love is also a factor. There are cases where I do have some love for the person, I don't know if I can love and trust them the same way again, but there's something there. Maybe one day we'll work it out and be stronger than ever, maybe not, but I've made peace with it. We're not at war with each other or ourselves, there's some understanding and respect and life will take its course to wherever it needs to go. There are cases that the damage was too huge that I can't love them and I'm not even sure if I ever have in the first place. So, I F IT'S POSSIBLE AND THERE IS >*GENUINE*< accountability, effort, love, forgiveness and trust, M A Y B E they can have a better life together. MAYBE the best they can do is find some truce for their own well-being. That's the big question and what we have to wait to find out for me.

And I believe this is a way better discussion to have in this fandom and the whole point of the show and that we're missing it. We all know the ways they have hurt and even harmed each other, there have been plenty of great conversations about it, BUT HOW DO THEY MOVE FORWARD IN ORDER TO HEAL AND HAVE A GOOD LIFE WITH THEMSELVES AND WHOEVER THEY DECIDE TO KEEP AROUND? AND HOW SHOULD THEY DECIDE WHO THEY STILL WANT IN THEIR LIVES?

That's another great conversation that we are not having.

I think part of why people get so weird and moralizing about the vampires' relationships with each other is that they're trying to map them onto human romantic relationships which just doesn't really work. And I'm not even talking about the moral dimension of "these people have to kill and eat humans to survive." I mean that for literally any of these vampires the healthy thing to do in the human world is just to never speak to each other ever again but that is just not an option for them. They're stuck with each other for ETERNITY. Either they kill each other or they find a way to live with each other those are basically the only options. They dont really get to go no contact.

And like specifically I'm thinking about the ways people reacted to the finale reconciliation between Lestat and Louis and how a lot of people read that as Louis going back to his abusive husband, and I can see how that would feel really off putting. But I think - awkward as it is - in that scene Lestat is more accurately described as being Louis' abusive father. Like if you think about the period of Louis and Lestat being together as a marriage then yes. Its insane for Louis to say he's grateful. But if you think of it as Louis' childhood then what you get is someone who has struggled with depression and being suicidal for his whole life going back to his parent and saying /im glad you brought me into the world./ Thank you for creating me. Thank you for giving me a chance to figure this out. It can be empowering for people to let go of their anger against their parents and finally see them as people with flaws. And before anyone comes at me with the forgiveness-is-harmful-to-survivors crap: I Know. I had the privilege of getting to go completely no contact with a family member without that impacting any of my other family relationships. I have no interest in forgiving him ever. But thats because I never have to see him again. If he was at family dinner - and you KNOW lestat is gonna be at vampire family dinner - I would have to learn how to let go of that rage for my OWN sake. Because living with anger like that eats at you and it turns you into something you don't want to be.

Louis forgiving Lestat isn't about Lestat. Its about Louis. It's about him coming to terms with the fact that these are the things that happened to him in his life and nobody can change them and like it or not he's gonna have to deal with Lestat for the rest of eternity and he's choosing to meet Lestat as an equal, to reconnect on his own terms. And that can be a very powerful thing to do! Not everyone wants to close the door on the people who helped raise them, even if they were hurt badly by them.

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Makeup [S.B]

Sirius Black x plus size!reader

Word count: 1.8k

Warnings: a toxic relationship history and a bit of insecurity because of it.

A/N: I did a questionnaire a few days ago to see what kind of reader you would like me to do. This is the first one I do base on that questionnaire and I want to say the following:

The only reason the reader is specified as "plus size!reader" is that if there is someone who fits this description, feel comfortable.

You will never see something like "her FAT body" NO, NEVER

Much less that the One shot revolves around their weight (neither nationality, nor gender identity, nor sexuality nor all the things that they put in that questionnaire). I only write about NORMAL people in normal situations. All bodies are beautiful, we are all beautiful.

So, if you are a plus size person, welcome. If you are not, you can also read it without feeling left out in any way.

I really hope that you feel comfortable with everything I write and that you know that I seek to be as inclusive as possible. Without more to say, thanks for taking the time to read my stuff. Tell me your opinion, if you want!💕

You looked in the mirror one last time.

Sirius, the boy of your dreams, had asked you out on a date and you wanted everything to be absolutely perfect.

You had met him because you both lived on the same floor of the condo block and it was inevitable to bump into him from time to time. It wasn't the best place to live, it was small and a little dirty, but it was the only thing you could afford and the fastest you could find after that happened.

You liked the way Sirius smelled because when he crossed the corridors, you could perceive a mixture of leather (you supposed it was due to all the clothes he used of this material) and an elegant cologne that drove you crazy.

At first, it scared you a little to see him with that piercing in his eyebrow and his multiple tattoos, but later you realized that he was really nobody to be afraid of, on the contrary, he turned out to be a very tender and sweet boy.

The first time you spoke to him it was because you were struggling to open your door while carrying boxes and bags that you had brought from the supermarket. The boy noticed you were having trouble and walked up to you to offer his help, so (still a bit wary) you said yes.

Once he held your purchases, you could open the lock, but when you turned around, you noticed that Sirius was secretly looking at the contents of your bags and when he realized that you had caught him, he blushed.

"Sorry I'm a little gossipy," he said shyly "I'm Sirius"

"I thought you were a gossip"

"No, my name is Sirius" he laughed and it was your turn to blush.

"Oh, sorry"

"Okay, anyone can get confused" he murmured with his charming smile, handing you what he was holding in his hands "I live in the 512" he informed you. Of course, you knew he lived in that apartment; you had seen him come into its thousands of times "In case you need anything. You know, some plumbing or things that have to do with tools and that shit of men" he murmured kindly. You frowned a little and then he quickly added "I mean, it's not that girls can't do that and it's okay if you know how to do those things, you seem like a smart and capable person. It's just that sometimes it's tedious and requires strength... and it's not that you don't have strength, I mean...” Sirius couldn't continue because he heard you giggle and then realized he was looking like an idiot “Just call me if you need anything and if you want to do it, yes?” he explained to you and you nodded with a smile.

"Thanks for offering your help Sirius" you replied, looking at him over your bags.

"You’re welcome, miss..."

"Y/N" you completed. He smiled and wrapped a dark curl around his finger that fell unruly from his ponytail.

"I'll see you later then, Y/N. It was nice to greet you" he said by way of farewell and you nodded to respond.

You haven't felt like this with any guy since you met your dear (sarcasm) ex-boyfriend. The insecurities that he had created in you kept you from thinking about having something else later and you honestly didn't feel ready to have your heart broken again.

But Sirius continued to be kind to you. Whenever he looked at you, he made an effort to have a topic of conversation, even if you were not so eloquent, and little by little, he was gaining your trust and your affection. As the weeks went by, you became good friends who chatted in the elevator or occasionally (when you weren't late for work) went downstairs just to share a little more time.

Until one day Sirius showed up at your door with his clothes stained with something that looked like paint, his hair tied up in a messy way and smelling of burned food. He was so beautiful in his own way and you were so afraid of falling in love with him because you knew beforehand that having something else would be impossible.

After all, no boy would ever love you. It was something that your ex-boyfriend had commissioned to get very well into your head.

"Go out?" you asked a little confused after he asked you. You didn't want to misunderstand things.

"Yes! We could go wherever you want. For ice cream, to dinner, to a park, to the cinema... I don't know, wherever you can think of”

"Why?" was the first thing that occurred to you to ask. Now it was Sirius' turn to look confused.

"Well, I thought it would be an opportunity to meet and... spend more time together" he explained and although you had understood the idea it seemed impossible to think that the boy had any kind of interest in you "But it's fine if you don't want to, I don't pretend be upset"

"I'd love to," you rushed to say, fearful that the opportunity would slip through your grasp. You saw him smile and after exchanging a few more words he left with a smile that you couldn't see, but that was pure joy.

Finally, the day of "go out" arrived and you were about to tell him that you could not go. You were nervous, more than nervous you were anxious about what could happen or what he could say about you.

You had searched your entire wardrobe for something decent to wear and after pulling and removing and taking out the clothes and trying them on, none of them convinced you. You looked in the mirror and didn't feel like it was enough of an outfit to date a man as handsome as him. In the first place, you did not even know why he had chosen to go out with you, because, although you considered yourself a nice person, you could not boast of being the most interesting.

Don't think about it, don't think about it, you kept repeating yourself as you continued to get ready and looked at the wall clock waiting for the time for Sirius to knock on your apartment.

Once you were with your outfit ready, you looked yourself up and down and although he did not completely convince you, you decided to tell yourself that you looked beautiful. Still a little nervous you looked at the makeup bag that was under some things on your dressing table. You hadn't put on makeup for years, because you were still scared to hear the comments in your head with that horrible voice.

You look like a whore.

You shook your head to ward off all the negativity and taking a breath you plucked up the courage to open the zippers and remove the beautiful makeup that you had abandoned. When you were finishing and without giving a chance to regret there was a knock on the door that took you by surprise. You went out and found Sirius wearing a striped t-shirt and ripped jeans that reminded you of that blond singer... Kurt was his name?

"Wow" you heard him say and he caught you staring at him adoringly. But you noticed that he looked at you the same "You are beautiful" he said with a smile. You frowned, again a little afraid that he was lying, but you tried again to push away those ideas of self-sabotage and smiled widely.

"I'm glad you like it. You look very handsome, you look like...”

"A rock star? I know” he said winking at you and managing to make you laugh “It's a joke, thanks for the compliment, sweetie” he replied, with his pretty smile of sealed lips. Just when you were smiling at him you watched him pay special attention to your makeup and put on a face that completely terrified you, taking all your confidence.

"Something wrong?"

"Your makeup" he pronounced. You felt your heart squeeze a little.

"You do not like? I can go take it off if you find it ugly or something like that…”

"Ugly?" he asked offended "No! It’s beautiful, but I feel like it lacks a touch. You know, the cherry on the cake that stands out in your eyes” he explained. You looked at him confused for the third time and he snapped his fingers as if the answer had suddenly come to his head "Eyeliner"

"Eyeliner?"

"Of course! Don't you like to use it? " he said kindly, turning his head to the side. You denied.

"I never learned how to do it" you lied. There was a bit of truth to it, but it also had a lot to do with the fact that he kept repeating that you looked vulgar with the eyeliner.

“I'm good at it! Come with me,” he murmured. He took your hand carefully and dragged you gently through the hall until they reached his apartment. You were a nervous wreck when he invited you to join him. "Sorry about the mess, I'm really the most distracted person on the planet and I forget to arrange things," he said with an embarrassed smile. You looked at some vinyl lying around, clothes, food packages, paintings, a guitar. There was a certain peace and beauty within all that mess, completely reflecting the boy who was desperately searching for his favorite eyeliner.

"Come," he asked once he left his room. You sat in a red leather chair he had and he leaned in your direction, very close to your face "Raise your head and look slightly down" he asked you and you listened. He took you by the chin with one hand and you saw him stick his tongue out just a little bit (as a sign of his concentration) while drawing on your eyelids. When he indicated that he had finished you saw him smile from ear to ear, which you imitated when he saw yourself in a mirror.

"Wow..." you whispered. Years ago, you loved putting on makeup and especially eyeliner, so seeing you again like that you were surprised. Besides, he was right, his hand was excellent at it.

"Now it's perfect, right?" he said excitedly. Perfect, that's how Sirius described what was in front of his eyes.

"Yeah... it looks much better" you admitted shyly. You couldn't believe that Sirius could make you feel so comfortable and calm, as well as help you maintain your confidence in yourself.

"I just hope I don't meet jealous guys for not having someone so pretty accompanying them," he said flirtatiously, making you laugh because of your nerves and making you blush "Shall we go?" he asked smiling and extending a hand to help you up.

You looked at him, still amazed to have found someone like that in your life, and took his hand with a smile.

Who would say that sometimes love stories begin like this?

TAG LIST: @aleksanderblack @voidamy @blackst0nes7077 @bruxa0007 @fictionalcharactersworld @falcvns @iwritesiriusly @navs-bhat @aleksanderwh0r3 @myalupinblack @bohologyc @ itzzzcookie @sexysirius

If you want to be on my taglist, click here

[eulangelo]

callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

[dakotafinely]

That is... interesting, and informing. I don't actually know if bottom surgery is largely experimental, that's something I'll probably fully research in my own time. As well as people being unaware of the complications that come with it, I agree that if there are doctors and health care professionals not telling people all of the risks that come with surgery then that is a dangerous thing people should be very aware of.

As for male and female being important for all species, I don't know. But I also don't fully understand needing to separate them past species, I understand on some level it's for health. But again I just think it's just the explanation for chromosomes, or gametes, often exist as two different types. With the genetic off chance of multiple different combinations. I don't think humans are the only species that exist with intersex folk. Plus I'd have to then ask about things that change their reproductive organs and therefore their gametes on some level? This is, again, not something I'm super familiar with, as I am no biochemist. But if it does explain a lot of things amongst various species, then I can say I'm wrong. But I still don't think biology has a full place in issues like misogyny and transphobia.

I'm trying to understand what you mean as well, but I think it's just a matter of a perspective I can't comprehend. I don't think there's a point in using the labels Men or Women for biology because it limits people's understanding of things like Trans people or Intersex people. So using language that doesn't have to do with gender identity makes more sense to me when it comes to the scientific or medical aspect of it all. So I suppose that's where the main differences exist. And I want to thank you as well, I was honestly waiting for you to start insulting or threatening me after every response I made. But I think that was my assumption made from your bio supporting Radfems, who I feel wouldn't agree with your stance at all. But I'm glad we could just have a general conversation about it. All in all it's given me some things to think about, and if I find anything interesting that came from this, maybe I'll share it with you so we can have another discussion about it.

"Yes, I know advanced biology and no, it's not on your side."

okay. please point me to some peer reviewed scientific papers that disprove the existence of transgender people then. i'm new to your blog, so if youve very kindly done so in the past, feel free to simply link your posts.

thanks.

That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Trans people exist, they just follow an ideology analogous to a soul (that there's some inherent "gender" disconnected from one's biology). Likewise, I can't disprove God or souls. How about you get off anon and find me a paper that proves your belief?

[straykidsworldwild]

DUSKWOOD

PhilxMC - Pregnant (part 3/4)

Plot : Phil and MC are going to the store to get stuff for the baby.

(I don't own the pictures. I only own the collage. Credits go to the owners.)

----------------------------------------------------------

~ 3 months later ~

- Hey, you're ready? I hear Phil asking me kindly before he places a kiss on top of my head.

Phil and I have grown closer ever since the day I had my ultrasound. Ever since we saw our baby for the first time. It really all started to grow more and more from there. The feelings for each other were here but with our baby on the way... It's different. I can't put words to explain how different it is, all I can say is that it is a good different.

We haven't moved together yet though. Phil still has his apartment and I still have mine. But he spends most of his nights here. With few exceptions... Whenever he closes the Aurora late... Or early in the morning, he goes back to his apartment to "not disturb my sleep", he says. I think it's a kind thought but I honestly sleep better when he is with me. I grew to be used to have him next to me at night.

- Yes, I'm just counting how much money I can put in the baby's stuff for now, I respond to my boyfriend as he takes a sit next to me. Phil and I have officialized our relationship about a month and a half ago. It surprised more than one person. Some even thought it was a prank or a bad joke that Phil made because he had me in his bed. And I think some still don't believe it. Sadly, I can't do anything about it...

I am staring at the little piece of paper before me and the calculator, hoping we can at least afford for the furniture this month. I just hope we can find the minimum and the essential for now... I pass my hand over my face, feeling tired and a little bit stressed. Phil gets his chair closer to me and places his arm on the back of the chair behind me.

- How much do you have? He asks with a calm voice, looking at the equations I did.

- I can put at the very maximum $600, I answer as I show him what I've done so far. I look up at my boyfriend's fair face, watching a lock of his hair falling free from his messy bun. Phil gently takes the pen from my hand and add a number under the $600.

- That's a start. I also counted and I can put $700 for now, he says as he puts the pen down and looks up at me. He did? When? Our eyes meet one another for a brief moment. His eyes are always so comforting and spreading so much love. I know Phil knows how to charm a girl, but I like to believe those emotions are just for me. Maybe I'm a fool... I can't help but to crack a smile. Phil smiles back before pushing softly my hair behind my shoulder.

- So we have a total of $1.300. That should be enough for now, I say with a positive tone. Despite having a few problems and a minimum of help, I still manage to keep it positive. We're doing this together after all.

- What do you want to look at first? He asks me gently as I feel him playing with the tips of my hair. I smile as I let a small sigh out. There's so much we need to look for...

- Well, I thought we could look for the crib first and for a baby car seat. Oh, and a few clothes, a plush and maybe a pacifier. I think that's what we should look for at first. The next three months, we can buy supplies time to time to finish everything, I answer with the same sweet tone he used as I softly rub my belly. I'm 6 months pregnant now, we really need to start buying the stuff we need. We still don’t know the gender of the baby though. We’ll know it only next week. But I don’t need to know the gender to buy a crib or a car seat. I watch my boyfriend nodding his head up and down as he smiles charmingly. Phil leans in and kisses my cheek sweetly before stealing a tender kiss.

- Let's go? He whispers after pulling away from the kiss. I nod and let Phil help me stand up from the chair. I could have done it by myself, but Phil has been extremely caring and careful with me.

On our way to the store, Phil is driving his car. I am sitting on the passenger seat, listening to the radio and having small talk with Jessi's brother. Jessi... She's been so excited ever since she learned about the pregnancy and even more since we decided to keep the baby and to start a real relationship. Jessi has insisted to give us money to help us financially. I didn't want to accept her money as I think it is Phil and I's matter. But she wouldn't stop insisting, so I told her I will accept the money only to give it for the baby later.

Anyway... Arriving at the store, Phil parks his car. He turns off the engine and steps out fast. I take off my seat belt and start to step out of the car as well when I feel a hand helping me. I smile at Phil as he is holding onto my arm. I let him close the car door for me before we walk up to the store. His hand discretely snakes to mine, interlocking our fingers with a rather firm grip. His thumb is softly rubbing the back of my hand as we step inside the store. Okay, first thing first, the crib...

Phil and I walk up to the crib section and look at all of the furniture they are offering. There's really every style. Some look huge, some are small, high cribs, low cribs... Some look very beautiful though. I could really see it in the baby's bedroom. But the price is way much more than what we can afford.

- They're all so adorable. Look! That one's so cute! I exclaim to Phil as I approach a crib where the head of the bed has the form of a cloud. Phil releases my hand as I approached the furniture to show it to him. My boyfriend smiles amused.

- Isn't it a bit high for you, Gorgeous? You'll need a step to get our baby, he says with that amused smile all while being serious. It's true, it's a bit too high for me. I stare at Phil with a smile, surprised by his words. I've never really heard him say "our baby" before. He did, but not so confidently. And I'm still surprised in how much he invests himself into this. I mean, not that I doubt Phil, but we're talking about a baby... What? He asks me, looking a bit confused. I snap out of my thoughts and look down, shyly.

- No, it's just... You said "our baby", I whisper with a happy tone. It just sounds so right to my ears. Once again, Phil smiles as me as he comes closer. He takes my hand back into his while pushing a lock of my hair behind my ear. He makes me blush... I can feel the heat on my cheek... Flustered, I bite my lower lip and clear my throat as I look at the cribs surrounding us. So, can we not take a white bed. It's too... I suddenly tell him, my eyes daring to meet his gorgeous ones.

- Yeah, I agree, he tells me, nodding positively as he seems to know what I meant. The two of us continue looking around for the perfect crib when Phil gently pulls me with him. Look at this one. It's not white, there's the bed for the baby, a space to change him or her, some drawers to put the stuff. And it's not too expensive, he tells me as he checks the crib he just saw. I approach it and check it as well. It's not too high either which is good. It looks rather stable.

- Yeah, and that way we won't have to buy an extra furniture which we probably won't be able to, I state while looking alternately at the crib and Phil with a happy smile. I'm actually impressed by how Phil is investing himself in this. I mean... I didn't think buying stuff for the baby would have been something he likes... I take the reference to compare it with other beds later. The two of us keep looking a little more at the cribs but we constantly go back to the one we found earlier. It's fits in our budget and it's the best one we've seen. I guess we found our bed so... $-400 which leaves us $900, I tell Phil, scratching the word "crib" out of my list. I smile and look up at my boyfriend.

- Okay, so far so good, he responds with a kind smile, looking just as happy as I am.

- We should look for the baby car seat, what do you think? I suggest him, replacing my smile by a confused frown.

- Yeah, let's go, he agrees before putting his arm around my shoulders. I feel protected and so well with Phil. Honestly, at first, I have to admit I didn't know if being together and keeping the baby was right. I had my doubts... But seeing how protective, careful, and caring Phil is, I couldn't help but to change my mind about him. He changed... He really did. In a good way.

There weren't many car seats in the store. Not as much as the cribs at least. But we still managed to find one that seemed safe and strong. Alright, so $-140, it means we have $760 left. We're doing pretty well to say we don't ask anyone for help and the both of us are new to this. I'm pretty sure we'll actually still have money left for next time we'll want to purchase something for the baby.

- Okay, we have the crib and the car seat. I think we got the most important for now, I inform Phil as I let a small sigh out, relieved to have at least those stuff. Those were really the first things I wanted. I don't want to look for it later because, knowing myself, I already know I'll feel in a rush, and I wasn't going to welcome my baby into a bad environment. We need to be fully prepared.

- What do you want to do now, Gorgeous? He asks me gently as I see him giving a look at the list in my hands. Do you want us to go back home and get some food on our way? Or you'd like to look for something else while we're still here? He questions with the same gentle tone.

- Well, I would like to go get a few stuff for the baby. Just to have at least one or two pyjamas first and maybe a pacifier. And then one of us, or together, we could come back to get more when we'll have our pay next month, I suggest to my boyfriend as I fold the paper and put it in my bag. I won't need it anymore for today.

- Sounds good, he says before grabbing my hand and interlocking our fingers together, one more time. The man takes a step forward and places a kiss on my forehead before turning around and pulling me softly along with him. Clothe section. Awnhhh, those pajamas are so adorable!! I look at the pajamas which seems to be mainly for girls in this section. But I think it is right. I don't know why but I'm pretty sure we're having a girl. I can feel it. Girl section?

- Yep, I say as I unfold a pajama to look at it better.

- What if its a boy? He asks me with a smirk. You can't make him wear a pink pajama, I smile to his reply and give an amused look at Phil.

- It's a girl. Trust me. Woman/mommy instinct, I tell him playfully, yet, with a point of seriousness. Phil laughs amused before putting both his hands up in surrender. I smile and continue looking at the baby clothes. I can feel Phil's eyes staring at each of my moves. I glance time to time at the boy, unable to stop myself from smiling. This really makes me happy!

- Phil? I suddenly hear a woman calling for him. Oh... I keep my head down and just mind my business while he turned around to look at who was calling for him.

- Andy? He calls the girl back. He sounds surprised to see her here...

- What are you doing in a baby store? She asks him, sounding confused. I discretely look up and see her frowning a bit confused before a smirk appears on her face. She looks so fake... Lost my number? Want us to have a little time together like before? She asks as she places her hand on his chest. Wow, back off!!

- No, I didn't lost your number. I deleted it, he answers so calmly as he rejected her hand from his chest. Suddenly, the girl stars giggling and insists, putting her hand back on his chest. She's going to eat one of those pajamas by her bum hole if she doesn't leave him... Hormones, not good.

- Very funny! She says through her idiotic giggling. Seriously, what are you doing here? She asks him a second time as she seems to get even closer to Phil. He is not going to step back?

- I'm going to be a father, Andy, he responds seriously to the girl as he rejects her hand harshly and make her step back from him. How can he keep his cool like this?! Despite feeling upset at the moment, I can’t help but to smile a bit when I heard him saying “father”. And I completely stopped looking at the stuff I wanted to look at for the baby...

- What tells you it was an accident? He suddenly answers. Oh... Maybe I am in a healthy relationship and my partner and I wanted to create our own family, he says to the girl, speaking as if this was the most common thing he would have said. But everyone knows Phil isn't like that... He would have never said those words before... Not even while being drunk.

- Right, she replies, clearly not believing him. Phil, seriously? I'm not buying this bullshit. You're not the kind of man who wants to be in a healthy relationship and who wants to be the perfect father. You like running after women and have them in your bed every night, she states seriously, reminding the past he used to have. Have them in his bed... It's been long since I heard someone say that..

- I've changed... He begins to say.

- Yeah, no, people don't change this much... She interrupts him, clearly not buying his words and not wanting to believe them for a second. I watch the girl shaking her head left to right before she chews her lower lip. Oh come on! I grab the first pajama I was looking at and go stand next to my boyfriend.

- Believe what you want, he tells her, clearly not giving a damn about what she says or thinks.

- Excuse me? She questions, looking at him like she's doubting his words. Though, at the sight of his eyes, she slowly seems to realize that he was actually not joking. And who's the woman you accidentally got pregnant? She continues to ask him. Accidentally... I know that me being pregnant with Phil's baby was an accident, but hearing someone saying it like this... It feels different. It hurts. It hurts because that's nothing that Phil or I planned and I know things could have gone differently in many ways...

- Okay, I found everything we needed so far, I say, not sounding very pleased.

- Okay, let's go, he tells me as he grabs my hand. The moment I came up to him, Phil just completely ignored the girl and smiled at me. Andy looks down at our hands before she frowns upset.

- MC? I hear Andy calling me. I stop and look at her.

- Yes? I answer, arcing one eyebrow in confusion.

- MC LN is the girl you knocked up? She asks Phil with an upset tone, actually completely ignoring me. Great... What a mature reaction...

- Hello, I'm right in front of you, I say with sarcasm. Andy looks at me with such an unpleased look. And maybe a disgust one...

- I don't care, she spats at my face before looking at Phil with disgust. And I'm sorry for you. You're ruining your life twice more than I thought, she tells him which made me frown with sadness. I can't help but to feel a pinch on my heart. Am I ruining his life? Is that really what people think when they see us together?

- Okay, enough! We came here to do our business, if you're not happy, it doesn't matter. It is what it is... Tells, Phil, starting to raise his voice a bit as he speaks with a a harsh tone. Honestly, I've rarely seen Phil angry before. I did see him that way once or twice at the Aurora when people were provokating him or when someone would not respect the rules in his bar. I even saw him fight with a client that was too close to me once... But that's it. I grab his arm and try to make him calm down.

- Phil... I call him softly as I notice a few pairs of eyes looking at the scene.

- I told you, I've changed. We're having a baby. So I'm not going to let you disrespect MC and my child just because it doesn't please you or because I didn't choose you. Now, we'd like to pay for these, should we address to you or should we find another person? He tells her with the same harsh tone as before while giving her the darkest glare ever. Honestly, if I was her, I would feel so intimidated... The darkness in his eyes looks so dangerous. Andy stares at him with surprise because of the way he spoke to her. However, the surprise didn’t stay long on her face.

- You're a loser, Phil, she tells him before taking the pajama from my hand and going to the checkout.

- Yes, glad to know, he replies as he takes the money out to pay the pajama. She scans the code and gives us the price. Phil gives him the money and asks her to make an order for the crib we saw and the car seat so we can come pick them up later in the week. Reluctantly, Andy takes note of the order we made and gave us a receipt with the number of the order. Phil takes it before grabbing my hand and pulling me gently along with him to leave the store.

That was... Intense. Weird. Upsetting. Awkward. Ugh! I know I'm going to have to face few women that Phil got in his bed, but it always feels like a challenge whenever the moment comes. When I stepped out from the store, it’s like I could breath again. I felt like I was keeping my breathing for so long... 

- You didn't have to... I say to my boyfriend as we reach his car.

- Yes, I did, he responds, sounding upset.

- Phil... I call him calmly. The man faces me as he opens the car door for me. But I don't go in. I just stare at him instead, showing him that I want to talk. Phil lets a small sigh out before taking my hand in his to squeeze it.

- MC, you and I started an adventure together. We agreed, the both of us, to keep this baby. I'm happy with you and I love you, just like I love this baby already. I'm doing everything to change and to prove you that I am going to be here for you both all the time. Protecting you and defending you is part of this change, he says with such a protective and serious tone mixed with love in his voice. I can't stop staring at him. I know he changed. I know he wants to do well because of how his father was with him. He doesn't want to make the same mistakes. But I know he won't. He keeps proving it to me. Today, one more time.

- Thank you, I whisper sincerely as I crack a smile at him. My boyfriend seems to relax as he smiles back at me. Delicately, Phil places two fingers under my chin and brings his face closer to mine as he gently lifts my head. His lips connect with mine, tenderly kissing me. We pull away, still having that smile on our face.

- Let's go home, Gorgeous, he says as he holds the door for me. I get in before he carefully closes the door. Phil gets on the driver's seat and drives us home.

Back home, the only thing I wanted to do was to relax. I just wanted to lay down and think about nothing. Try at least... On our way home, the sky has started to become dark. The sun left, replaced by dark clouds and the rain falling hard. I guess we're having a storm tonight...

I enter the bathroom and start running some water in the bathtub. It’s been a while since I took a warm bath. I usually take a shower to not use too much water. But a bath is sometimes what I need to relax completely.

Sitting in the bathtub, I let the water get higher slowly as the foam is surrounding me. I love the smell that comes from the foam. It always reminds me my childhood somehow. I play with the bubbles, popping them one by one or making some shapes with it. I somehow find it relaxing. And I guess I never stopped doing that ever since I was a child... But what really relaxes me is certainly the pair of hands massaging me.

Right behind me, Phil is sitting in the bathtub, giving me a massage on my back and shoulders. I can feel his lips kissing the back of my neck time to time, making me giggle. His hands give one last squeeze on my shoulders before they slide down my back and come to cover my belly.

- Lay back, he whispers in my ear as he gently pulls me with him. I let him lay me down until my back rests on his chest. I can feel his thumbs softly rubbing my belly. Sometimes, Phil draws some shapes or words on it, tickling me.

- I love you, Phil, I whisper lovingly at him as I cover his right hand with some foam.

- I love you, too, MC. I love you so much, he whispers with the same loving tone before planting a kiss on the back of my head and resting his cheek against it.

For a good half an hour, we stay in the bathtub together, enjoying this moment together. I have to admit, even though it was really relaxing to be in the warm water and to have that back massage, I couldn’t stop thinking about what that Andy girl said about Phil’s life and how I ruin it. I know he has proven to me so many times that he is working hard to change. He said it. He proved it to me. But still... I’m... I guess I’m scared to lose what I've been living those past few months with Phil. He makes me feel safe, loved, and protected. I’m scared to lose that one day...

I am in the living room, I'm scrolling on my phone to change my mind when I suddenly felt the tears coming up. Hormones... I hate it. Why does it always happen when I over think or when the situation involves to much emotions...? I log off my phone and get up from the sofa to go find Phil. I need to ask him... Again. I need to be sure.

I enter the kitchen, finding Phil smoking by the window. Ever since he learned about the pregnancy, Phil has always been careful to always smoke in a room where I am not standing. He is always either by the window or outside, but he insisted on not smoking in the house and especially not while I am in the same room at him. Another thing that proves me he changed...

- So, pretend that I don't have tears rolling down right now because those are actually hormones but, do you really not miss the life you had before? I ask him with a shaky voice as I look at him and the wall alternately. Phil turned around to look at me when he heard the sound of my voice. He looks a bit stunt, seeming surprised of my sudden question and the tears. I can’t maintain the look with his eyes. I can’t stare at him. Phil smashes his cigarette and closes the window. I'm just asking because that girl at the store wasn't all wrong and I know you did a lot to change and I'm really happy and proud of you for changing this much but I think she might have a point and I can't stop thinking about it and worrying that you're not happy and maybe I'm actually keeping you from living the life you always wanted and then I keep saying to myself that it is not be true but what if you... I tell him absolutely every single thought that comes up to my mind in one single breath. I'm just sharing my fear of losing him... and I think Phil saw it. My boyfriend comes up to me and takes my hands in his, stopping me from talking.

- It's alright, breathe, Gorgeous. I don't remember when was the last time you breathe in between all of those words, he says with a chuckle as he stares at me. I nod and look away as I feel new tears streaming down my face. Phil releases one of my hands and gently wipes my tears away. The life I had before is very different from the one I have now, but it doesn't mean I don't like it. Before, I enjoyed my life as a... How did you call me? A womanizer? Yeah, he tells me gently, slightly mocking me with the words I used to use against him. I hear him chuckle which makes me crack a faint smile. but the tears are stronger. Phil continues to wipe my tears off every time one falls down. I was this womanizer loving to flirt with women to then have them in my bed. I wanted nothing less or more from them. Today, I am someone else thanks to you. I have the chance to have a family, to share my child with you, and to just live a life with you. Something I secretly always wanted to be honest. You're giving me more than anyone has ever gave me and I love you more every day for that, he admits with a serious tone before forcing me to look up into his eyes. More tears spill down my face, but they rapidly disappear as Phil wipes them away. He always wanted to be with me in the first place...? I didn't know that... Why never saying it before? So no, I don't regret my old life and no, I don't want to go back to it. I want to stay with you two. Forever. So don't worry, okay? He tells me sincerely, caressing my cheek with his thumb. He does...? I don’t reply to his words. I don't know what to say. Well, I have hundreds of words running in my mind but it's like I don't know how to formulate what I want to tell him. Instead of speaking, I hug Phil, snaking my arms around his back. Phil hugs me back instantly, running his hand up and down my back. You know what? I think we should get some fries and nuggets tonight, he tells me with a suggestive tone. I smile through my last tears as I remember it is the first "meal" we shared together.

- And ice cream with vanilla flavor. Or mango. Or lemon. Or maybe vanilla and caramel, I say, adding some food to the list. Phil chuckles before he pulls away from me.

- I'll try to remember all of them, Gorgeous, he says with an amused smile. He wipes the last tears off my cheks one more time before I get on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. Well... That's what I thought I was going to do. Phil turns his head and captures my lips with his, tenderly and passionately kissing them. Our lips move in synch as we share our love for each other. He's really the one for me... I feel it.

- You'll be a good father, Phil, I tell him with a sincere tone after pulling away from the kiss.

- You think? He asks me, sounding unsure about himself. I nod positively. I think you'll be an amazing mom, Gorgeous. He or she will love you so much, he says as he looks down at my belly. Phil places carefully his hand over my stomach, smiling happily. I smile as well as I cover his hand with mine. I hope he’s right... I’m scared to not be a good enough mother for my baby. I guess we’ll discover if we were meant to be parents once this baby will be here. We’ll do everything we can to make our baby happy and for it to grow in a heathly environment. We love it already too much. What will it be once it’ll be born? I can't wait to meet you baby.