#honestly idek if this is living
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im so exhausted and bored of everything rn
#social media is dull. my art has been subpar again. i cant sleep well enough#genuinely wondering why im alive#honestly idek if this is living#im just trapped in a stagnant loop and i cant get out#and i dont have energy to claw myself out anymorw because its not proven to be worth it#im just numbly floating along but im also angry with myself for letting myself get this pathetic#idk man just. whats the point anymore#ignore me idk what im saying nobody worry or anything#ghoul groans
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itās 5:20am i cannot sleep i am consumed with thoughts and yearning for keigo takami i need to be euthanized
#literally these days all i do is Lay Awake and Wither Away#the nightmares have been exponentially worse lately#fun fact ur local fanfic author has Problems.#idk man thereās just something haunting about having reoccurring nightmares about your ex and every time u close ur eyes itās throwing u#right back into the pit of hell that was that relationship#itās fine itās fine itās fine i just no Longer Trust People#anyways this is a vent post and it is so cringe and lame#i just have never Hated an ex before so thereās a lot iām coming to terms with especially considering how Fake he is#idek man IDEK!!!!!1!!1!1!#i rlly sacrificed so much to love and live with him and he said āmmmmmm now i have u in my gripā#whatever itās fine heās stinky and honestly the fact honey (the blog intern and my cat) doesnāt miss him AT ALL says so much#seriously she is so nonplussed by his absence itās wild#eating fine sleeping fine shitting fine#SAYS A LOT. SAAAAYS A LOT. whatever whatever whatever#i would hit that emotionally immature man with my car if given the chance and yknow what. nick if ur reading this youāre one of the#most.#emotionally immature people ive ever had the misfortune of knowing.#what a shame you lost me#the best thing and healthiest thing that ever happened to you#because of your own actions and your own inability to take accountability for your mental health and actions#tell your mom i say hi#and tell your exes im sorry i ever doubted any of them x_x#WEEEEE what a vent#listen to big sister birbs when she says donāt date men who have something horrific to say about each of their exes
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#ok ramble time#classic this feels too intimate to share with anyone so everyone gets it#essentially last week there was a suicide on campus#he was not one of my students or in our department#I'm pretty removed from it#ans i really didn't think it affected me#but i guess it has#bc like i thought i was over#āØthisāØ#Like ok i have had active plans in the past#one of those this is how this is when this is where#just waiting for the final straw#but i clearly never did#and that plan would no longer work due to changes in circumstances and living arrangements etc#which is honestly probably for the best#bc i refuse to make a new one bc i know i do not want to go there#but im just TIRED and ANXIOUS#its not even the depression its the anxiety of living#i stay up until 3-4 in the morning bc i cant stand the idea of going to sleep#and i secretly hope each sleep will be my last#bc im not going to DO anything bc that would not be it#too many ppl care about me (unfortunately)#and then ive stopped eating (again)#and it's like idek if its bc i dont want to or bc i forget#its like i see myself self destructing but cant make myself stop#and I have not done anything physically stupid in quite a long time but ive started biting to stim#and i dont even know im doing it half the time it just helps#and skin picking. which none or this is the same as true s/h but it does scare me to a degree bc i dont mean to i just do it#anyway i don't expect anyone to read all of this i just had to get it out ot my head
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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*points* i love that skrunkleĀ
[og pic]
#genshin impact#kunikuzushi#scaramouche#scaramouche cat#that's. a tag right bjhbvHJF#the anger in his eyes. wrath.#this guy lives in my head rent free honestly but that isn't even anything new or surprising bjhBHFVHJFVJFV#I HOPE THAT LINK WORKS BC IDEK WHERE I FOUND THIS IMAGE IT WAS IN MY BOOKMARKS FOR WHATEVER REASON BFHJBVFHJ#the other party can be dottore tbh-- he's gonna get mauled to death by this one /j + lh#tHEY;RE JUST BONDING.#doodles#doveart
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aew taking Bryan off a poster in November and replacing him with CC and me trying to be completely okay about this and failing š
#heās still on the poster for my show post wrestledream#plus he did video promo for that show#plus he lives literally like 2 hours from there#so I think I have hope seeing him there but yeah#all I ask is they do this in a way that makes sense bc honestly? I donāt want him dropping immediately with the way things are going#I think it would feel really fucking shitty especially since theyāve turned mox and Claudio into essentially skinheads :/#flat out inspired by romper stomper I mean come on Iām supposed to believe Bryanās just gonna be like sure Iām gone#you guys deal with the new reign of terror and my best friends being this way#plus part time doesnāt mean no time so yeah idek man#Im just not emotionally ready for anything
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for the many times I've been pointing out that he's not my pet I sure do worry a lot about my mother's dog
#he's still at the clinic#acquired a surprise ruptured intestine and septic abdomen#which we caught almost too late because his symptoms were misleading at first#and idek if you can say he's out of the woods yet#because it just never seems to end#honestly surprised it hit me this hard because well. he really isn't my dog. i'm just his vet#but then he's also the lil goof keeping me company during my mental breakdown in 2016#when i couldn't stay at my place on my own#and had panic attacks in public transport so when i went back to my mother's place for a few weeks#she brought him with her so i would feel a little more comfortable on the train ride#and he's always been crazy about me. which is weird because i never really spent that much time with him#and idk. i know he won't live forever and he's already ancient for a gsd#but i had to let so many regular patients go this week already. i really don't want to add him to the list#just. tired.#and out of tears
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anyone else have no idea what they wanna do in life
#honestly glad im doing a masterās cause i have no idea whatsoever of what kind of job i want or what i wanna do#idek where i wanna live#and like idk if companies i like would even hire me#ugh idk why im thinking about this tonight#adulthood is so much pressure and i feel like thereās way too many things i could do but also ā¦.. not ? idk#i miss being young and knowing exactly what i wanna do#also i cant wait to start my masters im so bored rn#also i am really hoping to make some actual friends so yay
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#for how long am i gonna wake up.. and have my first thought be him#and then wish that when i look at my phone i will have messages waiting from him#where he said gm and told me abt his day like i had every day for a while..#and then suddenly get anxiety pain in my whole chest and stomach#bc i know i dont have any messages from him. and that we dont really talk anymore#and now idek if he would want to keep message me every once in a while#am i gonna keep living off of the high from one message from him now and then?#like idk :((( it's just so painful#and it does hurt more now bc... for a long time i still hade hope that like ofc we will talk!!!!! when he's ready to talk#we will talk abt everything and it will all be fine ^-^ i really really had trust and belief in that#like i genuinely thought that would happen. bc to /me/ this is the most real and strong thing i've had#which truly i understand is also naive and unwordly of me and also im very intense and emotional abt things#so truly i cannot get mad abt it only have been the one thing to want and to wanna fight for#bc yeah.. ig it just stings a lot more than just a crush bc to me.. like i sound so silly and naive but i should just vent#bc like yeah... i dont have any friends to talk to or a therapist or anything and i need to talk T-T#it's embarrassing but to me i really felt like i had found my person.. the person who i wanted to be the closest to in the world..#felt the kind of love where i would do anything and fight for it to even have a chance.. and yeah..#ig i was very naive to have the 'certainty' that .. i was just waiting and being patient and giving him space. maybe that wasnt actually#what he needed. but w my avpd i didnt know how to be pushy or.. like how to be enough pushy like he would need#without being too intense to push him too far away from me. bc im intense.. so i know that even if he's right for me#im not right for him bc i could not give him what he needs.. :(((#but yeah.. everyday i wake up w so much sadness bc i know i wont get to talk to him all day#and now the sadness is coupled with intense dread and anxiety#bc honestly i have no idea if he'll ever reply to me again or how much we will talk if we even will at all.#and the thought of life without him and not even have him in it even a little makes me wanna die lol#idk.. idk... bc i wont get to have what i want.. which is to simply be with him. but yeah idk... idk#it pains me sm that ... we never did talk to find out whatever was between us. and regardless of intent on his behalf that does make me fee#*i* am the one who valued and cared abt our 'bond' more than he did... but it is what it is it is what it is#it just hurts... bc i found someone i both thought and wanted it to be real with. but... i never even got a chance to try or talk abt it#which also is life.. if he found someone (twice) that he did like enough to want to try with but not with me.. that's just how he felt..
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idc what new girl says living with three men is NOT fun and cool and sexy
#it is HELL!!!!#yes I live with three straight white men#yes i am the only woman of the house#and yes I mother this household like my goddamn life DEPENDS ON IT!!!!#and in all honestly I have never watched new girl so idek if thatās how living with men is portrayed#but 0/10 horrible experience wouldnāt recommended#still got 4 months š#and I was literally living like this last year too š«#send help pls Iām just a girly girl I canāt thrive here#sky.sms
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if you show me even the tiniest scrap of respect and affection, I will get the strangest most confusing feelings for you (I want you to be my friend! my lover! my partner! my owner! my parental figure! my mentor! love me love me love me! please show me i am lovable! i will do anything! love me!) which will eventually lead me down a path of jealousy over you giving others similar attention, then intense self-flaggelation for feeling this way, and will finally result in me isolating myself for your and my own good because I cannot control my own feelings and feel bad and monstrous and inhuman about it <3
#looking back on a couple of friendships over the past 15 years of my life and am starting to see a pattern#actively trying to fight it whenever i get to meet new people. trying so hard to keep a normal distance and not lose my head#and trip over myself overestimating my place in others' lives. because i knowwwww it'll only get me hurt in the end#so safe moderate distance is fine for now#i don't wanna do this awkward mounting infatuation -> realisation -> selfhate -> isolation dance ever again. i hurt many people this way...#i don't even want to be in a romantic relationship!!!! i'm aroace as hell!!! but the NEED to be someone's EVERYTHING whenever i get attache#fucking insane as hell honestly. idek what you'd classify this as. maybe one day i'll tell a therapist about it. when i find one#this post is literally 13-18 years old me's internal monologue put into coherent words
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#it is actually scary how for the most part i donāt have anything to live for rn and it sucks bc iām in a v dark place and it is not fun#and i need something cool or exciting to cling to ya know so i donāt do something incredibly dumb#and usually here would be my escape from everything but every day it seems like thereās some new kind of drama or toxicity on here#which is so draining?#like idek what to do at this point honestly#part of me is actually scared Iāll likeā¦ end it or at least try to
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sitting in a blooming garden would fix me
#flowers WHEN#i have one teeny snowdrop just starting to form a flower š„²#worried its going to get killed by the cold front coming in tho#its an early blooming fancy one that honestly probably won't live idk what i was thinking when i bought it#literally nothing else is close to flowering tho#i just get so anxious for spring flowers in january i start blowing money pre ordering stuff tho#i ordered a bunch of snowdrops and some bare root hydrangeas and roses#idek how im gonna plant them the ground is probably frozen and we're about to get a foot of snow#what is wrong with me#the hydrangeas tho were a gift from my mom#i've wanted the white kind for a really long time and i told her one of my friends might get married at our house in the next few years#so she ordered them so they'll have time to establish and we'll have big beautiful white flowers for her wedding#which was really nice of her#anyway my friend was so excited and touched when i offered :')#she's not officially engaged but she's halfway thru her degree and she and her bf are planning to get married soon after they both graduate#so in two or three years the hydrangeas should be pretty well established and nice for a wedding#anyway im off track but im excited for all the stuff i ordered to be beautiful and blooming this summer#less excited to figure out how to plant them š¤#the roses are shipping at ideal planting time in april but the hydrangeas are coming this week for some reason#i cant plant those??? in january???#i will have to try ig#i probably can we'll see#this has been a shitpost
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do u ever think about how gus claims that he brainwashed his bakugan to be loyal to spectra and yet they all say they're loyal to him. either the brainwashing didn't work (get on kazarina's level gus š) and they're still loyal to him, or loyalty to spectra meant keeping gus alive. bc i think about that incredibly frequently.
oh also that reminds me, how did gus survive a giant fuckin laser that had killed 2 of his bakugan previously. like. did he just look death in the face and tell him to fuck off or was he too angry and gay to die. bakugan has the inverse of bury the gays honestly.
#anyways hexados throwing himself into battle even tho gus hadn't sent him out JUST to protect vulcan fucks me UP every single time#i said id stop rambling but gus lives rent free in my head#ALSO vulcan implies that gus hasn't brawled since new vestroia and honestly#if 3 bakugan sacrificed themselves for me id also not battle again#that one brainwashing line is only mentioned once but its always wild to me#the fact that he thought they would be more loyal to spectra than him... the way gus actually really cares about his bakugan#HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH VULCAN... it makes me feral#ALSO ALSO early on in the season when he's talking abt helping spectra u know like take over the world or some shit#he ALWAYS includes vulcan as part of that world. he always says he that he and vulcan will stand by their side.#i am so not normal about them#a lot of bakugan have very similar traits to their brawlers. and loyalty is a running trend with gus and i adore that#also gus gets rlly rlly pissed off and upset when the brawlers almost succeed in taking vulcan in his second brawl against them#and that ALSO fucks me the fuck up#he lives in my head rent free i am so unnormal about him i am insane#FOAMING at the mouth rn#idek what sparked this i was just left alone. with my thoughts. a terrible idea if im being honest.
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youtube
the brilliant green - stand by me // the day I run out of tbg videos to post will be the day I stop posting weekly song recs on this blog
#it may be 7am but i know if i don't post this now i probably won't post anything today#and i don't like to have the same pinned post for 3 weeks straight#i wasn't feeling like posting anything too consistently these last couple weeks#i gotta *feel* a song rec man if im gonna queue something i gotta know ill still be playing it by the time it goes up#i listened to the swingin sixties a couple days ago when i was having a lot of anxiety#i think that version of this song may actually be a bit better but you know it's just a good comforting song#bro idek who's getting evicted tonight this is the first week ive honestly been unsure#and i don't even know if i care who goes home!#all i wanna see is how we voted for the superpower competition#i wish either jared or izzy were being backdoored this week tbh over the two actually up for eviction#im done with the way izzy talks to or about people and also jared is saying some gross shit about women on the live feed#that doesn't make the actual cut for the episode#i have two (2) important things i have to do today#one of which is an important virtual meeting at 9 am that my alarm hasn't gone off for yet#yet here i am watching youtube videos and posting songs#i hate being responsible i wish my mummy and daddy had the money to pay for my college in full#and additionally i wish i hadn't been chronically ill for over half my life but here we are doing a damn zoom meeting š#aight yes im pretty stressed as you can tell#the brilliant green#j rock#tommy#90s j rock#tomoko kawase#shunsaku okuda#ryo matsui#song rec#tbt#shut up kaily#also i hope this band does anything ever again i miss them so much i cant even tell you#Youtube
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idk what im doing
#failing uni. no friends#no career plans#not fucking going anywhere#never gonna have enough money to get surgeries and pass#i have a lot of dreams about promoting queer art and being an art writer and doing postgrad#but my fucking depressive episode has killed my grades#idk im so tired#everyone else is achieving their goals and dating and making friends#i just feel like i live in a black hole#i just do my own thing and dont interact with anybody or anything#whats even the point in being alive#my fucking transphobic parents are neber gonna accept me#im not smart enough to do the things i wanr to do#like honestly why am i still hwre#i get so jealous seeing all these other things going on i dont even know about until later#bc i. just dont run in the right circles or whateber#or seeing my classmates get all the oppurtunities#studying art history all the rich kids are a little elite posse#idek if iāll be able to write my dissertation my grade is that low#and then i wont graduate w honours and i wont be able to do postgrad#wtf will i do
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