#whats even the point in being alive
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idk what im doing
#failing uni. no friends#no career plans#not fucking going anywhere#never gonna have enough money to get surgeries and pass#i have a lot of dreams about promoting queer art and being an art writer and doing postgrad#but my fucking depressive episode has killed my grades#idk im so tired#everyone else is achieving their goals and dating and making friends#i just feel like i live in a black hole#i just do my own thing and dont interact with anybody or anything#whats even the point in being alive#my fucking transphobic parents are neber gonna accept me#im not smart enough to do the things i wanr to do#like honestly why am i still hwre#i get so jealous seeing all these other things going on i dont even know about until later#bc i. just dont run in the right circles or whateber#or seeing my classmates get all the oppurtunities#studying art history all the rich kids are a little elite posse#idek if i’ll be able to write my dissertation my grade is that low#and then i wont graduate w honours and i wont be able to do postgrad#wtf will i do
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sometimes you gotta lure your overly-studious ravenclaw gf into spending time with you 🥰 📚 ( from 'Every Teardrop is a Waterfall' by Kat_12739 on ao3, GO READ IT!!! the first story is about seb falling sick and still pushing himself/not admitting he's sick until he ends up in the hospital, the second story is about the birth of seb and clora's daughter and seb's reaction to clora almost dying in childbirth, and the third is about dealing with a fussy newborn lewis😭🥹THEY'RE SO GOOD AND SWEET AND SOMEWHAT SAD (not to mention beautifully written) so go check it out!!💖💖 )
#READ SO I CAN YAP TO SOMEONE ABOUT THEM🙏😩💘#the seb sickfic made me realize how much i needed barely functioning and sick seb (but him still trying to be tough)#theres also a part that cracked me up bc at one point seb is so sick he cant even see straight but he just thinks to himself:#eh its fine.... ill just ask ominis how HE functions without vision later🤷 LMFAO#so stubborn...JUST LET CLORA TAKE CARE OF YOU MFER🤺🤺🤺#defs gonna be drawing more from it especially sick seb LMAO but also seb having a tea party with celeste🥹🥹#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian x mc#hogwarts legacy fanfiction#sebastian sallow fanfiction#hphl#choccyart#also i was never planning on writing anything about clora giving birth or abt the kids so to be able to read it WAS AMAZING#THERES A PART WHERE SEB IS HOLDING CELESTE AND CRYING AT CLORAS BEDSIDE THAT I NEED TO DRAW😭😭#LIKE SRSLY seb being conflicted and not even wanting to HOLD celeste bc he doesnt know if clora is alive or not... IT WAS SO SAD BUT GOOD#i honestly dont know what seb would do if clora died in childbirth tbh.......i could honestly see him resenting celeste#esp since she looks so much like clora😭😭#LETS JUST NOT THINK ABOUT IT!😃👍#(still thinking about it)#like this line in the fic: “Sebastian hesitated; if this was Clora’s last gift to him he wasn’t sure he wanted it.”#😭😭😭ITS SO GOOD UGHHHHH😭 TY AGAIN FOR WRITING THESE💖IM SO TOUCHEDDD💖💖
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Rick’s Twitchy Snarly Face | for @andysoulmate
#here ya go! 💚#Rick Grimes#*#rg#when else do you snarl#👀👀#are you even alive if Feral Wildman Rick didn't speak to some nasty part of your brain#survey says#no#excuse me but The Nose™#growl at me instead#if i lay here.....if i just lay here....would let my cradle the santa beard with my#*cash register noise* *breaking glass* *car horn*#if he doesn't also snarl while laying the pipe or being cunninglinguist grimes WHAT IS ThE POINT
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Hi gang sorry I like burnt out and exploded here's a wip + Gabriel face headcanon. Righteous hands of the father or whatever.
Don't look too hard at the hand anatomy it'll get fixed like. Eventually.
#ultrakill#my art#gabriel ultrakill#wip#having like a Bad Time irl bc I can't get a job and have no income among other things#which is like fine bc I live with my mom but also it keeps me from being treated even remotely like an adult lol#Ig my point is art is really hard when being alive is already really difficult. Or something.#The autism makes me burn out just existing even when things are going well. So. You can probably imagine what it's like when they aren't#Not that I need to justify anything to a bunch of people on the internet I don't know but hey if you care about what's going on I guess
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r u chill w non transitioning ppl?
Why wouldn't I be? At one point, every trans person who is transitioning was once someone who wasn't (whether or not that was a choice or their need is a separate discussion).
Hatred of any kind of trans person is not a Righteous or Good Thing - every single trans person has their place, their entitlement to safety, community, and respect of who they are
#ask#anon#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#when i was a kid i cared way more about Earning a spot - about every trans person Proving ourselves#and then i grew up in many ways and experienced many unfortunate things - as a kid who couldn't transition nonetheless#that quickly sobered me to the reality that it doesn't matter what you do or don't do as a trans person#divided we fall. you canNOT give into the divide and conquer strategy - you will NEVER survive#the second you decide that some trans people are worth discarding entirely is the second you set a precedent#and that precedent will eventually choke you. that precedent WILL exclude you eventually#i think a lot of people end up in the place of You Have To Earn Your Spot because they think it will save them...#...those ridged requirements tell you what you need to do to Earn Being Alive...#...if there is no goal where you have earned unconditional respect and security what is there to do?#what would the point be? why should trans people even bother if we aren't guaranteed safety over all?#that misses the true foundation for so many of those requirements is control - not safety or respect#as i have transitioned medically i've learned so much about what the point is#in so many ways i have had really negative experiences because of transitioning - but the joy always outweighs the pain#that joy is what made it worth it
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literally no one was doing it like natsuno yuuki. he was genre savvy but he was also fucking gay so he still died. after his death he started dressing like the google search results for gay vampire. his only friends were his homoerotic bestie, an adult medical professional speed running his descent into madness, and two random kids he dug up his stalker’s grave with. he became a vampire and was immediately better at it than all of the other vampires but he thought they were bitches so he didn’t even tell them he turned. his last words was that he was never going to make it out of that town alive but if anyone could have it was him and that’s what makes him so tragic. he died trying to save someone who was never ever going to save him back. he wasn’t afraid to die because he was already dead. he burned the entire town to the ground mourning his own death and he didn’t do it to save a single goddamn person, he did it because they murdered him and he was going to fucking hurt them back for it. I’m obsessed with him
#natsuno yuuki#shiki anime#god this was such a good horror show#Ozaki was a force of his own but the actual thing that led to the downfall of the Shiki was Yuuki#Yuuki was the one who kept ozaki’s will his own which led to the ultimate reveal of the Shiki to the town#he was the first one to realize that it was vampires out of everyone#he was the one at the heart of every major turning point in the fight against the Shiki#and the sheer grief he has for himself is fascinating#he’s the one who fights the hardest to live initially#he wanted to get out of the town and go back to the city#he’s genre savvy and resilient and he kept trying and trying to find a way out for himself and the people he cared about#that ended up being his downfall#he tried to find a way out for someone already turned and that’s what ended up killing him in the end#but what’s fascinating is that he accepts his own death and that completely shifts his approach#he’s not trying to save his friend anymore#he doesn’t even tell him he was turned#he’s not trying to find a way out anymore either#he accepts himself as dead#he doesn’t want to escape#he doesn’t want to save the town#he wants to revenge himself#his own parents didn’t even fight to save him but he mourns his own death so violently he makes a pyre out of the town for it#Tatsumi asks him why he sided with the humans and he says he didn’t. he just didn’t like the shiki all that much.#he didn’t do it to save the town. he /didnt/ save the town. the town burned to the ground. he did it to revenge himself#he’s not afraid of dying because he’s already dead but he’s jinrou. he’s one of the few vampires who COULD pretend to be normal#he chooses to die fully instead of play at being alive#I’m just so obsessed with him
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i wish i could get a break from my own emotions, i either feel nothing or everything constantly and so intensely, its so exhausting, i just want a pause, a break, a breather, a vacation from myself, something that lets me live and not be aggravating or aggravated for once
#ganondoodles talks#personal#at this point i almosst want to have a breakdown#if i knew id feel normal afterwards ..#its been over a month of this now- constantly on the edge of a breakdown- the worst i can be#aside from those awful short circuits where i explode for 10 minutes and then feel fine again and rly weird about what i just did#i want a break from this#wasting time doing nothing but feeling things that dont matter and make everything worse#just stop ...............................#im losing even the few connections i made online and cant get myself to start new ones#despite there being people that seem to try and reach out#i am horrible at reaching back#and keeping it alive#if i could at least get rid of the guilt#the guilt from every decision i make or not make#everything always ends into guilt#and it just keeps piling up#even posting these things! guilty feeeling bad over and over
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You doing ok?
hi
#i'm alive. simply being chewed upon by multiple things#work is more stressful than i'd like it to be. for instance i'm hoping that i submitted my time off notification for tomorrow correctly#because otherwise it might read as a no call no show and i would . like to continue having a job#now to be fair. i do have it on the system that i requested it at the beginning of the month and i emailed my supervisor about it last week#so even if i didn't submit it correctly i'm likely in the clear#but nonetheless. i also got a firm talking-to the other day and now i am on ✨thin ice✨ for dicking around too much#because they track ur idle time at my work (computer) and mine was Quite High so my supervisor was like man what the hell is this#but even though she was kind of baffled at me spending so much time dicking around#she couldn't even really be all that mad in the end because i'm still doing good numbers and have made no (zero) mistakes#so she was just like. it's kind of impressive that your numbers look this good when you literally have 50% idle time#so she goes imagine what you could do if you weren't wasting so much time#and yeah i can whip out some Really Good Numbrers when i put the effort in.#so the problem is not my numbers it's just that i'm not spending long enough doing my tasks for the day#but i don't want to drag out those tasks intentionally so i've just been upping my own standards/goals#as much as i hate giving any more of my brain power than is necessary to giant corporations#it's still easy to feel smug after you get Talked To and then immediately turn around and show off#like yeah i coulda been doing this good the whole time. literally pulling up by 20 points. i just didn't want to.#trying to keep everyone's expectations low but accidentally toed the line of um. not working enough to keep my job#...anyway. EAS national weather system issued a . hi#i haven't forgotten about all of you i'm just having trouble tracking all my shit that i got going on ✨ yaaaaaaay#im gonna post things on AO3 soon. i promise. my weakness is that i get sidetracked trying to unwind from work#...i know i said 'soon' last time. but this time for real#asks#not sexy#anonymous
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I really want to know how Lilith Sorrengail feels about trying her best to get her youngest daughter away from whatever it was that her dad supposedly found in the Archives after Brennan 'died', just to get said daughter even more involved with the tyrrish rebellion two: electric boogaloo.
#fourth wing#ngl my first thought reading the book was 'oh shit she Knew brennan wanted to use his sis as a scribe informant for the rebellion the same#way he maybe used his dad and she was like hell no and put her in the riders quadrant to get her brainwashed that navarre is right instead#so that she doesn't end up dead like spy-scribe dad and his questionable research into ward magic'#but then i thought about it more and decided i wasn't giving papa sorrengail enough credit bcoz he was Up to Something and got got for it#personally if my entire family was lying to me abt my big bro being alive i would lose my shit. that being said i find it incredibly funny#that everyone who knew violet best were like 'she finds out venin are a thing and she WILL do A Stupid out of righteous fury'#not A Stupid like smthn dumb; A Stupid like lead the entire scribe quadrant to a bloody revolution against Navarre Babel-style#I can't wait for this series to finish publishing so I can sit my ass down and plot out a scribe-revolution-leader-Violet AU#it can even be a viden secret arranged marriage. as a treat. because we need to merge the two rebellions of course#where is tiern in all of this? he got stuck babysitting teen andarna who is Super Mad her rider is a scribe. The Audacity! Navarre Will Pay#teenage dragon shenanigans occur. Scribe Violet bonds two dragons in front of her whole year. they're in the underground scribe library.#how did two enormous-ass lizards get in? nobody gives a shit. all scribes are too sleep-deprieved to care about distinguishing between#real life and halucinations. the dragons stay in the library. they get sat on because it's cold underground and fire lizards are Warm#command tries to find out if smthn weird is happening in the scribe quadrant but at this point every single one of them is in the rebellion#they have 600yrs of misinfo to correct. venin to dissect. what dragons? in the library? don't be ridiculous they'd burn the books#anyways i got carried away but library cats!tiern and andarna#kei writes
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Thinking thoughts about Abuela being back and with this backstory about her being taken in by charlatans and Eddies whole catholic guilt thing and how the two things kind of play into one another as an exploration of faith and being taken in by something.
Abuela giving all her money to the tarot card readers etc because she was searching for something - for connection (with Abuelo) - trying to recapture what she had lost, and How Eddie has spoken about trying to re-find the magic he had with Shannon - how Eddie hasn't actually fully reconciled the Shannon of it all when it comes to relationships and how his Catholic guilt connects into that.
How Marisol as a physical representation of Catholicism is part of that narrative - how Eddie is entering a place where he has to chose his path - in order to move on from Shannon he needs to fully square the hole - catholic or non catholic. And how that needs to happen first - before he can begin his queer journey!
#this is so incoherant#I'm also thinking about how Marisol fits into this narrative and how this idea of being taken in or fooled by a person plays into what we#know of her - how she wasn't upfront with Eddie (not saying she had to be right from the off but before moving in!!!) - how she is kind of#representative of secrets - especially around faith and ones connection with faith because she is essentially a stand in for catholicism#which (sorry to all the catholics out there) peddles in magic and secrets in order to keep the mystery of faith alive and therefore keep#people believing. How Eddie's reckoning with himself and the ghost of Shannon ultimately means choosing either to follow the path of#catholicism or non catholicism#How Marisol is a tie to religion and therefore his reasons for not having successful relationships after her (or even with her) and how#Eddie letting go will ultimately mean letting go of Marisol - how he can never fully move forward while catholicism still lingers#how I don't' think we'll be seeing the queer aspect of this narrative this season - that dealing with this first part is key and only once#he has figured it out can he then be free to know himself - is true self better - and accept and move into his full self as a queer man#so yeah - catholic guilt arc 7b and 8a - as its really a two parter - finally dealing with the remnants of Shannon - and its connection wit#his faith and then when truly free of that exploring his queerness!#So yeah - Marisol will possibly be here until towards the end of the season because she is meant to be the trigger point for Eddie in#relation to Shannon - its why they made the difference (and similarities) between S and M very obvious in 7x01#they have the time to build this story arc more fully now with the s8 renewal - to do it justice and unfortunately as part of that it means#she'll probably be around longer than any of us would like!#I don't know if I even make sense at this point#but I do want to reitterate that the show is goig out of its way to contrast her with Buck as well#to really show how close and right for each other Buck and Eddie are so no one needs to panic - she's here for the narrative not forever!#911 abc#911 spoilers#eddie diaz
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I’m just a ten cent copy
Of people far more advanced than me
#Stej#spark the electric jester#spark the electric jester spoilers#float#Clarity#flint#spark#art tag#Float is so so much 2 think about. Even before she died there was still this acknowledgement of like.#She does not know who she was before she just knows she was discarded and literally buried alive and everything just gets worse for her :(#character who deserves some kind of resolution the most I think/#I can’t fully wrap my mind around how Clarity’s replica works (ignoring what was said about her and Astra#solely being extensions of clarity bc I think that kind of sucks and doesn't fully make sense 2 me anyway)#like she is not the original ofc and float was already dead before assimilation but she is still clearly enough of a copy#that she has her feelings and (assumedly) resembles her formie body from before she was experimented on#Something even she didn’t remember‚ & I'm just curious how exactly clarity made her so faithfully 2 float and how much she has that#same kind of cognition and emotional independence that Astra did‚ even if she is only trying to achieve clarity’s goals.#I know WHY float was used 2 trick spark into reaching the Fark force the point was that shes just. Still so real and it’s so sad#The original float is gone but she is still here and she still remembers her life and feelings it’s soo fucked up#The only autonomy she has ever had over herself was when she and flint met each other. She just has been used so much even after death!!#I don’t want to make assumptions about something that isn’t out but like. If floats just gone now after doing so much to reintroduce her as#an agent of clarity I think it would be such a disservice 2 her Character like how interesting could it be to have float but she is not the#same as float she has this girls face and memories but she has been so fractured and manipulated that like. Who could she be now#that clarity isn't in control and she no longer has a purpose. if she ever got to reunite with flint would he be willing to trust her?#Would she want to reconnect with these emotions and memories that she knows she’s been programmed from? How would it feel to know#that everyone else has this idea of you and a history that for you technically isn’t real but it still FEELS real. AUGH#Anyway. segmented like a bug get it#ask to tag#Taphophobia#Blood
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it always makes me so happy when people say my ardbert/wol art feels joyous 🥹 i always really wanna get that across.....
#by dt it's been almost 4 yrs since the 5.3 game canon divergence point#and they have got somewhat used to being alive again/having ardbert Actually Be There by that point#but i don't think they ever lose that sense of. having wanted this and getting to have it. yknow. they r just so happy to be together#(we don't need to discuss what this means for alisaie and alphinaud lol for some reason i feel so weird making them adults!#even if they'd be like. 23? in my timeline of events. sorry forever stuck in the time bubble you two#although dt has made me want to push it a little more esp with the interactions between alisaie and wuk lamat#(she has an Older Sister vibe ok) so i guess it's smth i will need to. ponder my orbs over)
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#monogatari series#monogatari#monogatari oms#nademonogatari#nadeko draw#yotsugi ononoki#ononoki yotsugi#nadekodraw:tv#monogatariseries:gif#nadekkogif#ok i MUST go nuts about this somewhere so (cracks knuckles) tumblr tags let's go#first gif yotsugi is doing an attitude pirouette en dedans#second gif yotsugi is doing a demi rond de jambe á terre from fifth position#technically she’s dancing on pointe w/ her boot acting as a pointe shoe which is clever!!! her boots must have crazy foot articulation LOL#for context these are ballet moves which I LOVE!!! i am being catered to shaft looked at ME & said NADEKO DRAW HAS BALLET MOVES 4 U!!!#SO the real neat thing about this imo is the way that it is animated. probably done this way by the limitations of the animators timewise#for context in ballet a key thing when you dance is that your body should be constantly moving outwards from yourself e.g.#your arms reach as far as they can and your legs reach as far as they can etc. your back too! up and out like you are being pulled!!!#the point of this is bc dance is alive & humans who dance are alive! even when you hold a position you are thinking about moving outward#doing this breathes SO MUCH life into the dance! it is literally so important visually it makes a HUGE impact#but yotsugi doesn't do this! she doesn't breathe life into the dance bc she's not extending her body outward she simply holds a position#yotsugi is obviously very skilled to do what she's doing here like a pirouette is hard af you need crazy strength to go on pointe too#so imo she performs the moves in the correct way! she is turned out! she knows what she is doing! this is not due to lack of training!#my personal theory is that she moves this way because she is a reanimated corpse!!! she literally CANNOT dance like somebody who is alive!!#corpse baby is dancing her best and imo she's very good!!! 🥺#as a ballet enthusiast i just think it's a really neat lil touch and works well (despite the fact that it is probably accidental LOL)#anyway hi i'm noisy please enjoy my ballet ramblings lmfao! i will regif this when the BD comes out bc i want it to be extra pretty!!!#regarding the gifs. both first and second are loops!!! please enjoy ballet dancer yotsugi 🩰
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so why did 4... do what she did?
First Previous Next
Askbox is open
#tw: past self harm#splatoon#splatoon 2#splatoon 3#agent 4#let me know if i need to add any other trigger warnings to this post#i wanted to leave a note in the actual post about mental health but#i couldnt figure out what to even say. im still in the thick of it myself so i wouldnt feel right telling others it gets better when#it hasnt for me. I still think it's important to talk about these issues though#i just want to say if anyone reading this is also struggling mentally - im proud of you for still being here. it's so hard to be alive#i want to write a fic at some point exploring this chapter of 3 and 4s lives
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Here's the thing about politics, and ultimately, the world: you are going to be biased, and you are going to have a limited understanding of others to an extent. The key is to not deny that this exists because you will be ignorant when you are biased and limited in your worldview.
Yes, absolutely listen to multiple voices and points of view and a variety of different types of people. But know that this isn't the same as erasing all biases and "self-centered" views. Strive to do better without denying that you are fallible.
#politics#this is how growth happens too#it is natural to be almost self-centered because you both live with yourself but also view the world as a self/selves#and it IS better to strive to remember inclusivity and sensitivity but that doesn't mean that you will NEVER betray those goals...#...and that's not because you are Bad Person Number One but rather because you are fallible...#...you will try your best and sometimes fall flat on your face regardless. that's the POINT of being alive...#...what you do is recognize that you're fallible and learn how you fumbled and remember that for next time...#...arm yourself with that knowledge and you will be better for it.#you can never reach this magical point where you Never Do Wrong because that Doesn't Exist#so what you do is learn. and keep learning. and challenging yourself. and not blame yourself for being an Actual Person#i would rather somebody stumble but ultimately mean well and actually learn than somebody who assumes that...#...'oh well because i say i believe and do Good Things that means i'll NEVER do ANYTHING bad EVER'#inspired by me realizing that a question i had stemmed from a limited worldview because i live As Me and don't know anything else truly#even i am fallible much to my chagrin (lighthearted)
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my collection of miles kane looking like a literal fantasy:
#fittest man alive#i dont even know what to do with myself at this point JUST LOOK AT HIM#and the colours- THE LIGHTS AHHHHH#im being deadly serious. deadly. when i say that my camera roll is 50% mk photos-#miles kane#miles kane appreciation club#my posts!!
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