#in so many ways i have had really negative experiences because of transitioning - but the joy always outweighs the pain

[uncanny-tranny]

r u chill w non transitioning ppl?

Why wouldn't I be? At one point, every trans person who is transitioning was once someone who wasn't (whether or not that was a choice or their need is a separate discussion).

Hatred of any kind of trans person is not a Righteous or Good Thing - every single trans person has their place, their entitlement to safety, community, and respect of who they are

[catboybiologist]

Hey it's a life update that probably no one cared about or asked for

tl;dr: I'm likely quitting my PhD via mastering out, and leaving my program in June.

sappy, overly emotional vent/explanation:

I'm wrapping up my first quarter as an out-of-the-closet trans woman. I've had some serious conversations about where me and my work stand. This was always my intention after coming back from my summer hiatus/social transition: see how "reentry" works, and then assess from there.

For those that don't know, PhDs in the US take 5-7 years. Oftentimes, however, they either give you a master's along the way, or give you an option to quit halfway through with a master's. I'm in my 3rd year and have more than enough to use that option. I've toyed with this idea before, but it feels a bit different now. Last year, I was burned out from science, my project was failing, and I was under constant stress of boymoding and remaining in the closet. Now, I'm out and proud, and I deeply love my project and find it exciting. I fixed some things.

Unfortunately, I have a recurrent problem. Whenever something goes wrong in my life, the first thing to drop off is my ability to drive forward my own thesis project in a coherent way. What the actual problems are vary, but that motif stays the same. I could list off what's going on right now, but I think y'all can assume a bit of what a mid-20s, broke, recently transitioned trans woman in the US is going through at the moment. There's a lot of specifics, of course, but I'm not at liberty to say most of it.

So I'm looking around and realizing I have scraps of half finished projects, I've given support and help for other people's projects.... and then made little progress on my actual thesis. It's enough to pull together into a master's thesis, and maybe even another paper or two, but.... not a PhD.

And then there's the other side of it. The nicer reasons. Could I stay here, buckle down, maybe add years to my degree, and get through it? Probably. But honestly? I don't really want to put myself through that now. It used to be that academics was all I had. It was all my failures and all my successes. It's what I threw myself at, because I genuinely had nothing else going on. Since transitioning, the world seems so much more beautiful and rich, so much more complex and vast, with so much more to do in it. I've even had more negative experiences unrelated to academia, and while they've sucked, they've shown me that life is so much bigger than it was before.

To be blunt, to experience more of my life... it helps to have money, and it helps to have career stability. It's not the only factor by far, but certainly one defining moment when making this decision was trying to create a timeline and budget for transition related surgeries, and realizing that its near impossible in grad school.

Not to be dramatic, but I've also had a couple extremely jarring experiences in the past year that are reminded me that life is short. And I want at least some time to enjoy it.

My heart is honestly broken here, and I'm feeling extremely emotional about this. I love my lab, my colleagues, the environment of doing research, and my project. But I'm realizing that it might not be viable, or what makes me the happiest at the moment. I'm genuinely a bit distraught, and I've been crying a lot for the past few days. A lot of me feels like this is what I am, and this is what I'm good for. That I'm failing myself and every mentor that got me here. Some part of me knows that isn't true, some part of me can't let go of those feelings.

But, I know this doesn't mean "never". So many of the people in my program are significantly older than me, coming back later in life to get their degrees. I'm honestly almost positive that I'll come back to a PhD someday if I quit now. In my 30s or beyond, I think that I'll be able equipped to handle it much better.

So what's next?

Obviously, nothing is decided, and I'm just spitballing here. But I'm honestly shocked at how many viable options I have, in a very good way. A cursory scroll of Indeed was honestly therapeutic. As I said, I still love the academic research environment. I just need more money and stability, and would prefer to have a slightly different relationship to the work I do than a thesis project. Ideally, I would want to be a staff researcher in an institute or academic lab. That lets me keep a lot of the things I like about what I do now, while also making literally 2-3 times the money and having a more stable position.There's positions out there that maximize the contexts I'm the strongest and happiest with, while still being more steady and paying more. Hell, even if my responsibilities were identical, but I had more pay, I could probably more effectively address the personal problems I'm going through right now. I'm gonna stay in California for a lot of reasons, and I'm lucky that there's so many options within the state.

I have a bit of an oddball set of experience. I'll actually have two nonoverlapping master's if I do this. I already have a MS in bioinformatics, which was granted by a CS department. But my current program is in more "pure" molecular and cell biology. I'll have 5 years of grad school, 8.5 years of research experience if I include undergrad research, and instead of a PhD, 2 MSs. Which is kinda funny. But it think it helps represent my experience for what it is. I like to consider myself a "full stack" bioinformaticist- someone who can do both the experimental and analysis portions of experiments that produce large data. Hopefully I'll be able to put that to good use.

I have a lot of professional contacts that I'll slowly be reaching out to over the course of the next 6 months while I tie things up. I know this is a wildshot on tumblr of all places, but if anyone has any recommendations, advice, or contacts, I'm all ears- both for professional and job hunt related things, and also the emotional state I'm in right now.

Thank you to everyone that's made up this wonderful community we have online. I hope I'm not letting anyone down. I'll still be a biologist, I'll still be my trans self. I just won't be "Doctor" anytime soon.

[yaseraphine]

Why I don't really like the 12th house. / observations

How I perceive the 12th house, my real life observations on it and why I don’t really like it 

TW : mention of anx!ety, d€pressi0n, self-und0ing attempt, mental he@lth issu€s, pan!c att@cks

(Sorry in advance for the constant cens0r!ng, I don't want to run the risk of getting shadowbanned like it almost happened before)

In december and january of 2023/2024 I was having 12th house transits (Mars then Venus). This is what I wrote on my notes app about the negative experience I had :

I am currently having 12th house transits at the time (Mars then Venus) and I've been so much sleepier and prone to irrational, unexplainable stress. Like I wake up and I am still tired bruhh I hate it as a Mars Dom I usually instantly and really easily wake up in the morning so it's frustrating because I feel less productive and sloppier and daydreamy but in a bad way. 

Why I don't really like the 12th house...

I genuinely don't understand the "hype" (if we can even use that word) around the 12th house. When I first got into astrology, I saw so many posts about it saying how magical it was, how special it is to have placements in this house, how it means that you have a higher purpose than others, how you are so sensitive, an empath...And I have to say, yes, of course, some of it is true. However, it is clearly a more romantisized description of the 12th house. This idea of a romantisized version of the house was then overtime validated by the fact that every single person that I've met with 12th house placements/stelliums were far from living this almost fantasy like description. In fact, these positive traits seem to be rarely easily expressed for people who haven't studied astrolgy to get to know themselves better and understand their purpose. The people that I know with these placements were mostly d€pressed, too nice, had anx!ety attacks, insomn!as , and sleepless nights. It is honestly such a lonely house. Having these placements in the capitalistic utilitarist world we live in is sadly more of a curse than a blessing...

People I know with 12th house stelliums/ placements

• One of my friends has a 12th house stellium, her Sun in Taurus, Moon in Gemini and Mercury in Aries being there (the sign of the house is aries). She also has an Aries North node in the 12th house.

She always felt overstimulated and often told me that sometimes she didn't know if what she was thinking was really her own thoughts or other people's. She also had this obsession, or more so obsessive fear, with the idea of having to/ being forced to "sacrif!ce herself" for other people, for a job, for school,.. We often discussed this fear of hers and she would tell me this "why do people think we necesseraly have to suffer in life ? Why is struggle and suffering so normalised ? I don't want to sacrifice myself to achieve something, i don't want to purposefully inflect myself pain to live ? This is so weird to think that suffering is inevitable if you want to survive or live. That it's a normal part of life and that we should all be agreeing with it"

She is really empathetic and sweet but sometimes becomes all of a sudden defensive and passive-aggressive. She is also often anx!ous and as a result doesn't eat or sleep correctly.

Another one of my high school friends, less close, has a 12th house stellium in Aries (Sun, Moon, Mercury and Venus). He also has a North node in Aries in the 12th house.

Because I am/was not really as close with him as i am with the previous friend, i can moslty only share my impressions and assumptions from the interactions i had with him. I think it's interesting to say that his energy really stood out to me. He had sleepy eyes and a melancolic aura that reminded me of 19th century poets. If you know about Arthur Rimbaud, there's this one picture where he seems to look away. He basically looked like he was permanently captured by an old antique camera. His energy felt like what sepia looks like if that makes sense. He also had green or blue eyes (i don't exactly remember) that emphasazied the impression that he was mourning for something permanently. They were wondering, pensive almost sorrowful.

He was really gentle with people. His friends often said he was like a teddy bear, despite being almost 2meters tall. It's interesting to point out too that he was a gym bro. I think he would go to the gym probably 6 times a week sometimes, yet was so nice and calm. He wasn't acting like a cringy alpha male, which is pretty surprising for a cis heterosexual gym bro man with an Aries Sun, stellium and North node.

I think part of it is the 12th house influence that toned down this energy a bit, and instead of being selfish like a regualr aries, he was more selfless. He was always respectful towards women and never shamed people. However, he had a lot of insecurities and felt kind of helpless regarding fixing certain problems in his life. He was sometimes a bit too passive, and wasn't too comfortable when met with conflicting energies or situations that required decisive reactions.

My sister has Lilith in the 12th house and her subconscious thought processes can become easily extremely s€lf destructive. She was diagnosed with severe depr€ssion and had to go to the mental h0spital once after doing a self-vndo!ng attempt. When her symptoms were still intense and she was still struggling a lot, she had to go to see a psychiatr!st and a therap!st on a weekly basis. It was a scary and crazy time. Until this day, she still has terrible sleeping patterns, many ins0mn!as, and often has pan!c att@cks. I distinctively remember one time it was so intense I thought she really was going to pass aw@y. She also used to have (and still a little) a huge victim complex, where she felt like she was condamned and doomed to live a miserable life, and that she is deeply misunderstood.

What drove me to come on here is a new student that I have met in college this year. We instantly clicked then she told me she was an Aquarius with an Aquarius rising and a Sagittarius moon. 3 of her personal planets fall in the 12th house, which means that, just like the two friends I have mentioned, she has a stellium. She then went on to explain to me how she was diagnosed with an anx!ety dis0rd€r. She said that she used to have, at some point, three pretty intense panic attacks on a daily basis. She told me that when she saw a therap!st for an appointment, the th€rap!st was shocked and said that it was probably one of the worst cases she has ever dealt with (update 21/10/24 : she actually didn't say that it was one of the worst cases of her career, she was just genuinely shocked at how my friend was able to survive living like this for such a long time).

This made me realize that there is definitely a theme with the 12th house surrounding chaotic sleeping patterns, restlessness, overthinking, numbness, emptiness, hightened anx!ety, melancolic tendancies, s€lf-sacrif¡ce and depr€ssi0n.

All of that to say that this house is somehow terrifying to me. I get the fascination for it. I just find it too eerie in a way. My chart, despite being a Sagittarius rising, is filled with fixed and cardinal signs. Pluto is prominent in my chart as it is thigtly conjunct my ascendant, so I don't behave and move through life like a stereotypical Sagittarius rising. On top of that, I have an 8th house stellium in Leo... I need to have control over things and situations, my ego is strong (i am working on it lol) and it is hard for me to surrender.

Therefore, the hyper mutable energy of the 12th house, its uncertainty and blurriness, gives me "anx!ety" and unsettles me. I never know what a 12th houser really thinks and neither do they themselves in a way. My fixed *ss finds that so stress inducing. I like when things are made direct and clear, but nothing about this house is direct nor clear.

[drdemonprince]

so first off, sorry bc this is super fucking heavy.

re: commonalities between cis and trans men, and that other ask. something I've had to come to terms with is how even as a teenager before I had the concept of transitioning in my head - I still got all of the societal messaging wrt misogyny, etc. I totally benefited from it, even as a woman. I put other girls down. I was the cool chick. I cashed in where I could with it. i was absolutely a chauvinist when I transitioned. I felt inhuman as a woman, but I understood that ultimately that's the way women were *supposed* to be, as much as I wished otherwise. it took a long time to unlearn that.

my personal experience makes me very uncomfortable when I see other trans men talking about gendered socialization, or how overly negative people are towards men as a class. I wonder if they have ever sat down and really reconciled with the way they have, and do, benefit from their gendered position, or if they've convinced themselves they can't be a "bad person" by virtue of their birth sex.

I can't find a nuanced way to talk about this that won't be read in bad faith as essentialist rhetoric. rape culture is the system by which consent violation is normalized, its all the music and books and movies and bad relationships I assumed were normal and romantic as a young adult. I really, really hurt people, and I did it as men are encouraged to do, and as they are rewarded for doing. I found affirmation in hurting people, and it is so fucking easy to do this without even really thinking of it because it's the entire culture you've come up in.

I'm not even talking like, obvious cases here like phyrical domestic abuse & intentional date rape. there are so many subtle boundary erosions, there's weird gray areas around drugs & alcohol, there's attitudes and expectations in established relationships, there's the potential to exploit community for personal gain. there are partners who will fear you, and freeze and fawn and will not tell you "no."

a lot of the "we need a special word for masculine transphobia" types seem to also disavow the possibility that they hold male privelege. but we need to look at that shit, sexual or otherwise. it's scary to see guys who see women talking about it and they knee-jerk shout back "I'm not a rapist" and "not all men." guarantee some of them are, and just aren't aware of it. i was.

Thank you so much anon for this really brave, candid message. I think it's something that a lot of the trans guys crowing in my inbox about how cis men "are the bad gender" need to hear. (yes, someone literally said that to me). Portraying gendered categories, especially ones based on birth assignment!, as ontologically more evil or pure than others sets people up for abuse. Separating cis men out from trans men erases the ways in which trans guys can both leverage power and the ways in which toxic masculine norms are transmitted culturally to everyone regardless of assigned sex at birth. Lots of trans guys are palpably uncomfortable with their power, and can only see that relative to cis men, they experience transphobia and misogyny in greater amounts, and so they presume they must be in a highly victimized category. But they dont ever consider that as men they can and do often wield power over women -- especially trans women -- and they've got to fucking learn how to handle that reality responsibly, which many cis men actually do know how to fucking do. Especially multiply marginalized cis men who have been preyed upon and exploited themselves.

I think it's really powerful to hear you taking ownership of the actions you've taken that have hurt others, and the allure such actions had. Very few people have the courage to look their lower moments in the face and affirm that it's actually a part of them. If we're ever going to stop abusing and talking over women we've got to own up to our shit. I've seen what can happen when men come together to be vulnerable about their struggles, own their wrongdoing, and seek to change -- back when I was working in a men's drug treatment program. We can overcome this shit and take responsibility. But a lot of the birthday boy trans guy squad is incensed by even the idea of owing anything to anyone. Like a lot of MRAs.

[velvetvexations]

I haven't watched tv glow, but j doubt it would be resonant to me. Like I understand how other trans people can feel like there's a sense of "transition/self recognition of gender is a struggle" but as someone whos first exposure to gender as a concept was in middle school from Tumblr and adjacent internet, I never really struggled with gender in that way? Like I never really absorbed any blatant transphobia because my parents chose to just never address queerness in a negative Or positive manner so I made my own judgements based on 2012 Tumblr values (not perfect, but comparatively quite progressive. But ultimately, I never had that conflict because I was lucky enough to not absorb major transphobia, so I never held any of that self doubt and had largely self vs society conflict. So that narrative of accept yourself and go for it never applied to me. Same for people I come across who had their realization/transition later in life where they had time as an adolescent or adult not knowing they were trans or living as such it's such a different trans experience, so a lot of the "default" trans experiences aren't relatable to me. All the "start hrt, don't die wondering" memes are like... I've been living like this for a decade that's not my vibe.

Similarly, I often talk to trans people who only transitioned as adults and it's an extremely different trans experience to my own where I've known and at least tried to socially transition/express myself how I prefer for years

This doesn't really have a point and up to you if u even post it, just a comment that a lot of "relatable" or "default" trans experiences that many find poignant are also completely unrelatable to plenty of other trans people.

Yeah, same, that's where am I at with it because I just never had that experience.

[sammys-magical-au]

Star Wars headcanons that just ✨make sense✨ PART 3!

IT’S HERE Y’ALL!!! I’m doing another one because I have an ~obsession~ 🙃

It takes Rex a really long time to make the transition from calling Anakin by only “Sir” or “General” to his actual name. He’s a creature of habit and Cody finds it adorable.

Cody on the other hand easily made the switch to calling Obi-Wan and the other Jedi by their names.

Obi-Wan has two left feet. Not many people actually know this. Obi-Wan hates this about himself and is really embarrassed about it but Lionel finds it endearing

Rex has ✨freckles✨ and they’re absolutely precious

Fives and Echo would both do anything to hear an embarrassing story about Anakin or Rex. Lionel has plenty of examples for the former and is a little too eager to share them

I think about Padmé and swimming so fucking much it’s actually my Roman Empire. She has a swimmer’s build, not skinny at all, she’s all muscle under those flowy dresses and is very strong for her size. Anakin thinks this is incredibly hot.

Ken-Té gives T’a’ffi little kisses between his montrals. Once the Forbidden Triad adopted Toza, ‘Té started doing the same to her 🥹

Lionel started off as the tallest of the OG Chaos Trio, and ended up the shortest. They are not happy about this at all.

Ahsoka and Rex are FUCKING 👏 BESTIES 👏 and no one can convince me otherwise. They absolutely confide in each other about their respective crushes - something they won’t talk about with ANYONE else (for good reason ofc, but you get my point, their level of trust is that high)

Cody can make pretty much any outfit work, the man is ✨GORGEOUS✨ in everything and he knows it

Lionel and Obi-Wan have five Tookas

Ahsoka not only got taller after Barriss left her but she also got a hell of a lot stronger too. The transition from seeing ‘Soka as a relatively skinny girl about the same height as her to a 6’4” New Order Jedi built like a brick shithouse gave Barriss whiplash but in the best way possible, she LOVED IT

I headcanon that Togrutas in general are just built tall and muscular, T’a’ffi would absolutely be considered a Bear🏳️‍🌈 if he was human

It was actually Obi who wanted to have kids first, meanwhile Nelli was the hesitant one - they’d spent most of their childhood looking after their little siblings so they were understandably looking for a break from that responsibility

Cody and Padmé both had Lionel and Obi-Wan figured out before even they themselves realized that the pining was mutual. Padmé would seek out Cody during any events Obi-Wan was invited to and gossip about it with him when Obi wasn’t looking

Obi-Wan is a giggly mess when he’s drunk and it’s fucking adorable

After joining Anakin’s Order and becoming a Knight, Ahsoka took on a young Mirialan named Ralaince as a Padawan because they reminded her of Barriss 🥺

Once the war ended, Cody and Rex travelled the galaxy together for a bit, just experiencing the beauty of each planet they visited without worrying about the next battle that would destroy all of it. It was very cathartic and healing for both of them

Anakin chose to wear dark colored robes because he has mild sensory issues and lighter colors kind of hurt his eyes in direct sunlight. Also burgundy is his favourite color 😊

When she became Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, Padmé founded a program to help properly educate the children of the Lower Levels of Coruscant and to mitigate the extreme poverty of the Coruscant Underworld. Lionel cried of joy when they learned of this.

Lionel occasionally gets phantom shocks as a side effect Palpatine’s Force Lightning attack. They also startle more easily than they used to, experience near-constant tremors, are much more sensitive to touch, and occasionally seem to have mildly psychic premonitions, despite still testing negative for Force-sensitivity

Barriss sometimes uses Ahsoka’s lekku as pillows

Lionel insisted on doing a photoshoot when Benjamina and Jinn both got their lightsabers

Obi-Wan has always loved the name Ben/Benjamin - thus, when they had their first child, Lionel modified the name to Benjamina so they could use it for their baby girl

Rex and Ahsoka do the Star Wars universe’s equivalent of Tik Tok dances. They’re both really good at them

I went on a tiny bit of a rant not too long ago (read: like 20 minutes ago) about Echo having vitiligo and I stand by that, I like it, it’s going in the headcanon folder

I’ve talked about Anakin being autistic but that headcanon fits for Cody to me as well. Also Obi-Wan

Anakin also has ADHD

I know in canon the little marks on Mirialan’s faces are called “tattoos” but I like to think of them as freckles because the idea of diamond shaped freckles is kind of adorable to me 🥹

Anakin and Padmé do the fruit-floating thing they did in AOTC every time they have breakfast alone together

Ken-Té is Anakin’s favourite person to do lightsaber training with and continues to practice with him even after he left the Order

[sadlittleratboy]

I once said Tomura vaguely had she/they vibes to me on tiktok, back when I had one, and people ate me alive bc I listed his hair as a reason (and also bc I continued forward with using he/him pronouns throughout the video and I'm like...but that's the canon and I'm talking about something theoretical that I don't necessarily have a hard hc of, they/them Dabi is a different story lol) and people were like "thinking femininity is tied to long hair is transphobic and misogynist and blah blah" and it's like no you completely missed my point.

Firstly, I know that, because back when I was a girl and embracing my femininity in ways that I won't now that I identify as more masculine, I had short hair. I always had short hair. Androgynous girls with short hair lead me to the conclusion of being nonbinary.

Secondly it's not about the hair length, it's about the hair STYLE. Every transfem I've ever met started with that style or similar when it grew out. It's cute, it's fun, they're playing with long hair for the first time or even just in a new context.

It's also just about the general vibe. I listed elegance as a reason too, just the way he moves, but nobody considered how he's also so NOT elegant sometimes. It's the type of elegance he has, because there are so many different types. It's also int he way his so expressive. He shows so much on his face, which men tend to do in manga but it just feels different with Shigaraki. Again, I'm going on vibes.

Also being a nonbinary girl suits him because he'd be a total girlfailure, a loser girl, and I love that. Every transfem I knew was also a massive nerd. Most importantly I don't see him performing femininity in a traditional way. He is performing femininity by identifying as feminine and performing. He wouldn't change how he dresses or talks, he would simply realize that his identity isn't quite what he thought and run with it, because that's the kind of person he is. All those masculine codes brash actions like putting his feet up on overhaul's table to show dominance, and using ore, none of those things NEED to change because gender is so complex and that's FUN.

Again. This is mostly off vibes. I know a lot of people that think it/it's or other neopronouns suit him, and I can see that, especially with the way he dehumanizes himself (and with his stinky rat behavior, something a lot of nonbinary people, myself included, identify with), but that element actually makes me personally stray from that hc. Shigaraki dehumanizes himself in a negative way, and I think that's not good for him. Of course an argument can be made for that being the call all trans people have to be vaguely inhuman and monstrous in ways that only we really understand, so I don't think it's a bad hc at all.

I mean honestly he reads trans masc just as much. A lot of the league reads kind of trans because we tend to see ourselves in weird little outcasts. It's just a vibe a get from him. A lot of the she/theys I've met just also kind of have this "fuck gender and expectations, I'm doing my own thing over here".

Also there is of course the constant of Shigaraki chosing how he identifies himself and defying the expectations other people have placed on those identities. He's Shigaraki because he is, not because of AFO. That's his villain name because he connects to it. Despite all that he constantly gets deadnamed too. It's just...the vibes, the ability for anyone to read into anything what they want because their own experiences and it will fit because fiction is flexible (and even when it doesn't, does it matter?).

Anyway, his vibes, his masculine features and mannerisms along with the feminine ones and the feeling of being feminine even without having to conform to it (much like Magne did, and lots of people read her design as transphobic but tiger was literally there performing as a full transitioned man still comfortable with his feminine side, and it's like...all the trans women I know don't bother to shave and wear masculine clothes either occasionally or always even after starting hrt). It's finding a home within yourself as you slot the missing pieces into place and realize you find joy in different pronouns because they better describe you. Every trans person has their own wild ass journey and uses different ways to describe themselves with different things that bother them or don't and I think trans hc are fun for that very reason.

[unpopulartransfag]

I also really want to say after the last little shit show argument I just dealt with on here, whenever I say that I think that all good faith identities are valid I kind of mean it.

If someone is autistic and they feel like their genders influenced by their autism so their autigender, I can vibe with that.

If someone is otherkin or furry and they feel as though their gender is a dog, I can respect that.

I can respect if someone's gender doesn't exist.

I can respect if someone's gender is something that I don't really understand because it's not my fucking business to understand it it's my business to be a decent person to other people.

The only identiteis the I tend to be critical of are people who identify as "detrans (ASAB)" or ftmtf/mtftm, because as someone who detransitioned and then retransitioned myself, I cannot respect people whose whole identity is what they used to be rather than what they currently are, and even if those people don't identify as cis due to their experiences, I still refuse to call them anything related to the fact that they "used to be trans". I will refer to them by their current identity as a man, woman or otherwise. The main reason for this is that most people I have met who self-identify as detrans or FTMTF/MTFTM are usually extremely transphobic and transmedicalist and I want nothing to fucking do with them. I can respect a cis+ woman who had points in her life where she thought she may have been transgender but ended up not being and still respects trans people. I cannot respect someone who self identifies as a detrans woman and makes their whole identity about how testosterone is bad and trans people are bad and she was tricked into transitioning and all of the other stupid shit that they say. I've dealt with it enough for one lifetime.

The other exception would be things like clover gender, map related genders or sexualities, age related genders, or anything else that has to do with pedophilia. I have way too many negative experiences from whenever I was a minor with people who would use those types of things as an excuse to abuse me and I am no longer interested in anything to do with them.

I also do not respect any gender or sexuality that has to do with pro contact bestiality or zoophilia or pro contract necrophilia. Basically if your gender or sexuality is an excuse to justify something illegal, I don't want anything to do with it.

I don't really think that those are bad limits to have with how inclusive I'm willing to be but that's where I'm at.

[hwnglx]

Hiii can I ask you how the riize members are feeling after seunghan was forced to go in a hiatus? Thank youuu

how do riize feel about seunghan's hiatus?

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

okay, remember i solely focused on the members' emotions here, so in general the energy is very messy. each member's feelings are pretty complicated and different, also a lot of it is surpressed, so much caution around what they express and what they keep to themselves. they seem to be walking on egg shells, esp when faced with the company, just having no choice but to accept whatever decision is made. you gotta remember they just debuted and are afraid of messing up by voicing their opinion impulsively. so they're just kinda nodding at everything, i feel like.

shotaro 10ofp, pagofw&lovers+kingofw, 7ofp, aceofp, 10ofc

his priority is in the future and stability of the group.. you can tell he's the oldest just by his mindset, and the fact that many big decisions seem to be made by him. i can tell his previous experience helps him a lot in giving the newly debuted and more insecure members a push in confidence and braveness. he's encouraging them and trying to establish an attitude focused on hard work and patience, but also really wanting to keep the group in harmony. it's pretty interesting, because i literally can't see any glimpse of seunghan in here? he doesn't consider him much and believes if his hiatus is what had to happen for the group to get to a successful and stable place, then so be it. not much emotional attachment to the situation, very driven and work-focused mindset for him.

eunsok 4ofsw, 5ofsw, 9ofsw, 10ofsw, 7ofp, knofp

okay, he's definitely one of the more affected members. seunghan's hiatus seemed to have driven him to an anxious and tense state full of doubts, i can see him constantly worrying about the ways in which the negativity of the scandal could affect them. he felt pretty helpless, like he couldn't really do anything other than watching everything happen. there were different stages of emotion for him, from hopelessness to anxiety to feeling like this was a significant "rock bottom" moment for them. however, the 10 of swords is the last card of its suit (plus it transitioned in this spread starting from the 9 of swords), so things seem to have slowly moved up again considering the pentacles i got afterwards. i previously got the seven of pentacles for shotaro as well, so it seems like they're trying to just believe in the power of hard work and remain patient, believe in the process. there's this sense of optimism now, where they try to hold on to the belief that this might be beneficial in the long run.

sungchan 5ofp, moon, devil&10ofc, kingofc

phew, the situation messed him up for sure. i feel like he's especially stressed about the amount of things happening without him knowing. it seems like he didn't know about the things seunghan was doing. a lot of deception here.. he feels wronged and definitely blaming him here, thinking he was an idiot for spoiling the group in such a reckless and selfish manner. (no offense, that's what i'm picking up.) like i can tell he hates how the scandal affected the group's mood and harmony, he seems to be someone who truly values this collective feeling of contentment, wants everyone to be happy. he's someone very emotionally intelligent and mature though, so he's focused on being the bigger guy in this situation. (he's still the one arguing the most tho. like, stepping up and talking the most.) not sure if he's the leader, i don't know much about the group in general, but it seems like his mood has huge impact on the group's dynamic, which he's aware of. so he's trying to be the strong shoulder to lean on, though deep inside i can sense a lot of frustration.

wonbin strength, judg, moon, 2ofsw, 6ofp, queofc, fool, 10ofc, tower&justice

so much major arcana, seems to be the most emotional one out of all them, very big feelings. it's very messy. i think he himself gets confused and overwhelmed by his emotions a lot. the scandal really stirred things up in him. it especially made him look back on himself a lot. i can tell wonbin is someone very focused on upholding a clean and faultless image, he cares a lot about what people think. so in a way, he believes seunghan was just being idiotic and immature. he thinks his band member should've been more responsible in what he does, since he's an idol now, and the result is just a cause of his impulsive actions. still, he seems to be the only member who actually genuinely felt bad for seunghan (like i'm not gonna lie, most of them don't care much about him and primarily about themselves 😬) and let him know he's there for him. i can see him hugging seunghan.

sohee aceofp&6ofsw&8ofp, aceofc, knofp&8ofc

more than anything, sohee sees the situation as a new beginning for them. making the transition from the ace of pents to the 8 of pents, he believes it made them work even harder, putting in twice the effort, making sure the negativity of the situation doesn't stand in their way. it's almost like it gave him a push of motivation? the six of swords does have a bittersweet undertone, putting a member on hiatus wasn't his most ideal outcome. but idk, i can just see him trying to see the good side of it all. the eight of cups is kinda similar here, since it also indicates leaving something behind for the better. however, cups represent emotion. combined with the knight of pentacles, he's ready to leave behind what doesn't serve him anymore, or in this case a member who's continuously had "bad" influence on the group, despite there being certain emotions tied to him. he isn't over the moon happy, but at the end of it all, he thinks this was the right decision for the group's trajectory and their careers. anton moon&sun, 5ofw&star, queofsw&justice

anton is the third member i got the moon for, so they definitely felt lost and confused on how to deal with everything. a scandal happening so early in their career caused them to feel pretty insecure and uncertain. with the moon, there's also a sense of hiddenness. i can just tell communication is on the more difficult side for this group, since they're still getting to know each other. (i can see sungchan being the most vocal one, and the rest just kinda watching him shout?) anton is another member who felt a lot, thought a lot, but didn't really know how to express it, or how much to reveal. the five of wands definitely reveals a lot of conflict, external and internal. however the sun and the star card following the two negative ones, is a good indicator. he was able to avert his focus on his own goals and dreams. "he did it to himself, whatever." is the vibe i get. anton doesn't care much about things unless they concern himself, i will say. he seems like the type to believe in karma, so he doesn't really feel bad for seunghan persé, since he just should've known better in his eyes. he's just trying to move on from it without letting it affect him emotionally.

[karrenseely]

Silver Linings

I just realized something. I learned about the existence of Trans people when I was 12 or 13 I think. I learned about us in a medical encyclopedia. It wasn't a lot to go on, but it definitely was enough. Two things happened when I saw that entry. First I wasn't alone, second I could do something about this.

I absolutely wasn't alone or the only one AMAB who was a girl. That lifted a huge weight off of me, I wasn't alone. People who've never experienced the feeling that you're the only one in the world that seems to not be the way everyone around you is, have no idea how hard that is, I sooo identified with the Last Unicorn as a child. Growing up, I had no positive examples of queer people. None. I can't recall a negative example either that was explicitly queer. There was nothing for me to reference what I was going through. I was taught like all young girls in our society that being a girl is inferior to being a boy (why? Why does our society do this? Even today? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! We're not inferior to men, we never were, but for some reason some narcissistic AH somewhere decided this and then a bunch of other narcissistic idiots with power liked it and here we are living in a patriarchal misogynistic society, which is absolute BS). But I was also taught that being a boy who "wanted" to be a girl (yes I'm aware I was girl all along, though it took me a long time to understand that, because... society) was doubly bad and horrible.

So I was completely ashamed and terrified of anyone learning my secret because I was the only one and I knew it was a bad secret. I'm sure there are other things that happened that taught me this, experiences with my parents, peers, teachers. But I don't remember most of them, and I don't really need to go into it here, as the sadly important point is that I learned very young to be ashamed of myself.

No one ever talked about people like us. Ever. There were the occasional movies involving cross dressing and drag, usually men pretending to be women (notice that key word that differentiates trans people from cis people. Cis people when they cross dress in performative ways are pretending to be the opposite sex or a gender outside the binary. Trans people aren't pretending, we are the gender we identify with.) like Tootsie. I liked the movie, it was nice to see a man who could pretend to be a woman and enjoy some of it. But I never identified with that character, not in any significant life changing way. Because he was a man, he identified as a man throughout the movie and I was a girl forced to be a boy. And most other instances of crossdressing in media were treated as a joke, including Tootsie. "Hello [shame] my old friend, I've come to talk with you again." (1)

So learning I wasn't the only person in the world that felt this way was life changing. It gave me comfort, which I sorely needed. But the second part was just as important. I could actually do something about my body and I could be me. And that gave me hope. Which was sorely needed as I was spiraling downward rapidly at the time. Months later as the horrors of my body changing became more apparent I came out to my parents in desperation, which instead of recognizing me and loving and supporting me, was met w/ dismissal, and attempts to erase me and increased the shaming tenfold. But the one thing that kept me going. The one bright star in that horrible darkness was the knowledge that I could transition someday, not as soon as I'd hoped, not as soon as I needed, but someday. It felt like an eternity away, but it was there, telling me to keep surviving to keep going because I could be me when I got there.

Had I not learned of trans people, I honestly don't think I would have survived my first adolescence. I would just be another dead kid with everyone wondering why I was so depressed and weren't there any signs? (I often wonder how many of the children that manage to kill themselves are queer. Based on proportions of homeless youth, I imagine queer kids are a very large chunk of that statistic.) Just learning about the existence of trans people kept me alive. Knowing I wasn't alone and there was something I could do about it. It was horrifyingly frustrating that I couldn't do anything until I turned 18, but I would be able to do something about it. So learning about trans people saved my life.

Just that one concept, that trans people living their authentic lives existed, was enough to keep me alive. And here is the silver lining that occured to me. Despite all the negative, bigoted, horrible publicity, laws, and hate. Our existence is being talked about a lot. Which means, kids who need to know they aren't alone, that they are not the only one's that feel this way. Are finding out that we exist. Yes they'll need to do research and understand that we and in turn them are not evil, not monsters, not perverts, But beautiful amazing wonderful and caring people. And because of that, maybe. Just maybe, a few more trans kids will survive and maybe even thrive one day, because they learn they aren't alone and there is something they can do about it.

I hope so. I really hope that is the case. I also wish we didn't suffer so much that way, too many of us die. Maybe someday, that will change for the better. (1) Simon and Garfunkel, "The Sound of Silence."

[smokee78]

This is such a vague question but how did you do it? I'm assuming therapy helped a lot but like. Idk did you have to unpack all of the trauma or like. Idk. It sounds like a whole lot of effort and honestly congrats. I'm just curious how you managed to achieve it

Yes thank you so much for the question!

So I started EMDR therapy in April 2022, which is a type of therapy that helps process and desensitize trauma memories, and negative beliefs held due to trauma. You don't need an exact clear image/memory of the trauma for this to work, and in my experience it worked really well for my complex/ongoing traumas (ex. neglect and long term bullying) as well as for our "one time incident" more PTSD-like traumas.

shortly after beginning EMDR, a lot of our DID symptoms began to fluctuate, some weeks they were really bad, some they were noticeably much better. this is because EMDR doesn't only happen during sessions- your brain actually continues the reprocessing being the scenes in the background, which can cause extra stress in the meantime! but the end result is worth it.

of course, EMDR comes with a lot of safety measures and checking in before starting the therapy to make sure you are safe, and have a plan if things get to be too much.

I'd say maybe a few months in, we had a big even we dubbed "the fusening" in which many of our fragments "gave up" their form as they no longer felt it necessary to stay separate. some "larger" and more dominant parts fused at this time too, some 1:1 with another part, and others just seemed to dissipate.

I'd say by 4-5 months in we'd gone from over 90 identified parts down to a nebulous 30-50. We were also nearly (80% of the time?) always blurry, so it was hard to identify who was left.

we also identified some new parts at this time, who had been dormant and stuck behind a layer that previously was not able to contact us before processing trauma.

we stuck around 10-20 parts for a whole, working our way through traumasostly chronologically, and hit some big targets. it was hard and exhausting work, and left me on edge almost 24/7. but I could tell despite the exhaustion, I was getting better. I was still getting amnesia, but switches and headaches were much less noticeable, we were no longer finding new parts or splitting new parts, and it felt like I had the control to find healthy coping mechanisms on my own with out my brain trying to cope for me (by splitting).

these past few months I've actually been on a break from EMDR- my therapist noticed my avoidant behaviours to dealing with a lot of the trauma I faced from my parents, and I have a big school exam coming up. so we left it for the summer, to reconvene in October after my exam.

at that point I'd had about three alters left, two nearly identical, the current host and a similar alter, and in the process of trying to meld, and one of the earliest alters and most developed, and distinct we'd had.

in the meantime, I started regular talk therapy with a new therapist, less intense but to hopefully get some help with non trauma processing based issues, maybe try to grapple some of the parental issues without trauma targets.

We focused a lot on identity, as, despite having over 90 at one point, I felt completely lost! I didnt know who I was, what I wanted, and who I could be if I let myself. I was trying my best to "go along with the flow", but I didn't realize that didn't mean I had to like *everything*, even if I was open to new experiences!

I learned how to be on my own and still have fun in the absence of other people. I started broadening my horizons and going to local punk shows and learning it was okay to not be mainstream and still be safe! I came out to more people about my gender identity and started the process to transition medically, and started being more open socially about being gender non conforming. I learned I really, really, hate cooking, and that's okay.

about a few weeks ago, I had a falling out with my parents. I won't go into detail because I don't think it's relevant, but I decided our relationship wasn't healthy, and I cut them off for good. I'd previously done this two years ago as well, but we reconciled and tried to make it work. but this time, it was clear the only person that was interested in changing to make things work was me, and after finally getting a taste of figuring out who I could be, I was done sacrificing myself for the sake of making them happy.

stem, the last part to fuse with beau, held pretty much all the resentment for sacrificing ourself and not getting to be ourself. she held all the bitterness, the teenage and adulthood angst, all the rage. she'd been very stubborn about it all. to the point where beau as the host (this is getting confusing to type- I'm both sten and beau now. I'm one. but I'm trying to talk from beaus perspective about stem), had finally said "look. I know we wanted final fusion. but I'm okay if you want to stay stem and we'd changed our minds. we don't have to final fuse to still be an advocate for compassion towards those who choose final fusion, and we're not betraying ourselves or anyone else if we stay separate."

stem said "thank you" to this, which was the first time she'd shown any genuine positive emotion towards beau or the rest of the system. (she was a persecutor at one point, turned to no role/sort of protector ish role).

beau was shocked, as he never thought stem would let go of the bitterness she'd held to the rest of the system, the fact that she'd gone dormant and lost the host role at one point, and many other traumas.

there was genuine understanding and compassion towards each other as individual parts.

that night, stem was around and feeling list and hopeless about the reason we'd cut off our parents again. we vented to our friends, they listened, validated our feelings and... we felt better. the feelings laid to rest a little, though the grief was still fresh.

we left the conversation, and noticed we had a headache+foggy feeling we usually associated with a split. we commented to a friend we may be splitting, which hadn't happened in a while, but was understandable with the stress we were dealing with

except. it wasn't a split. we fused. stem was heard by herself and her system, and validated and respected by her friends. despite losing her adoptive family (not blood- we were adopted at birth), stem had found acceptance and love from our new chosen family and friends. that was enough to let go of the hate and bitterness and rage and let herself be one with the full range of emotions and personhood final fusing could give us in this way. I also use Stem as a preferred name in addition to Beau now, which I feel is fitting. I'm them, they are both a part of me even though we're all one now.

I hope this answered your question! one other thing to note, through a lot of hard work and cooperation, we were previously able to fuse a fragment and an alter together before any therapy, with a lot of help from those who'd already experienced fusion. it's not impossible to fuse some alters on your own. (though I would say it would be very unlikely to final fuse without outside help)

[pulim-v]

For the ask game!!

😍💓💯💜✏️ for Octavia and

🖤💋📃🤔💛😨 for Spark please?

(feel free to skip any you don't feel like, I know that's a lot)

Hey Pax! Sorry this took me so long, I was really busy these last few days (not to mention the whole thing got deleted when I was super close to finishing it '- w-))

Okay as a sort of preface to all of this I do not have much experience on romance so a lot of this probably won't make much sense lol

Octavia

😍Do they like romance? Have they always hated the idea, or are they a swooning hopeless romantic?

Y'see Octavia wasn't really popular at all in high school (in part because she was really awkward before transitioning in her first year of college) so it always seemed kinda unattainable for her.

After that actually became a possibility, though, yeah she's a hopeless romantic lol, a lot of "wish fulfillment"ish stuff happened to her in Uni and this became sort of a way for her to actually try out the previously unreasonable pipe dream that was a stereotypical romance story

💓How romantic are they in a relationship? Does it depend on the partner, or are they moon-eyed with anyone?

I think she doesn't see herself as very romantic, but doesn't realize how many small romantic gestures she tends to make - she'll think Dew probably sees her as cold and distant while buying their favorite flowers and writing them a serenade lmao

💯What’s their idea of a perfect date?

I think she doesn't really go for anything that outlandish, in part due to low expectations and in part because she doesn't have the energy to do something too time consuming

I think she'd like to go on a coffee date, have a few snacks with her partner, then hand out a bit together in a park, just enjoying each other's company, then the two of them would walk back home together to have dinner and watch something together.

💜Do they have a “type” of person they tend to date?

Dew is really the first time she actually followed up on any of her crushes, so I don't think there's much of a pattern to who she dates, but I think what she's really looking for most is someone who's honest - for most of her life she's been paranoid about people secretly hating her (which no one really did! She was awkward and didn't have friends, but people didn't really think anything negative regarding her lol), so I think something she values is someone who's honest about what they feel about her at any particular moment

✏️If they had the chance to erase one past romantic mistake, what would it be?

As I said Dew's the first person she dates, but I think that's partially because she never really followed up on any of her crushes! I think if she had the confidence to approach someone she liked earlier she'd be able to at least make some friends, and she really regrets that!

Spark

🖤What’s the hardest part of love for them?

Probably trusting their partner - Spark's whole deal is that they lost control of their life in HS and has been suffering the consequences since, so I think letting go of control and letting their partner make their own decisions is something they really have to learn with time and effort

💋How romantic do they expect their partner(s) to be in a relationship? Is it a deal-breaker if expectations aren’t met?

📃Do they have high standards about who they date? Low standards?

Answering these two at once since I think the answer is pretty similar, on the main FGCC universe I think they don't have enough romantic experience by the time the story happens to properly set expectations (and Mist is very affectionate when the two end up dating so that never really becomes a concern) but on WSMS, where Mist and Spark don't get together and they're a bit older, I think they actually dated quite a few people and managed to set some expectations! They don't really expect that much attention, and their standards aren't really low, but they do have a sort of baseline and I think having a partner that isn't affectionate at all would be a deal-breaker for them

💛How important is being in a relationship to them?

Not very! At the start of the story, Spark has much greater concerns than their romantic life, even if they've been single for a long time, and they never really view romance as a priority

😨Do they have any “taboo” or unpopular opinions about love or romance?

I don't think so? That's in part because Odukora is a not really an amatonormative setting, so there aren't really that many things that could be taboo, but I can't think of anything Spark thinks regarding romance that would be considered taboo even irl (maaaybe how little importance they give to it? I'm not sure)

Thanks for the ask! Again, sorry this took me so long, can't believe how caught up in stuff I got lol mb mb

[acute-cat]

I don't think I'm intersex but perisex also doesn't feel to describe my experience. That's as good of a title as I'm going to get right now. For some background: Tumblr and recommendations have kept me in an intersex rabbit hole for a good while now. Large reason is that it is relevant to my irl activist work; to make responsible trans activism and also keep intersex rights on the agenda. Queer things and gender/sex are also "unfortunately" my special interests, so not engaging is harder than doing so. However, I am also a transfem with a lot of trauma from transmisogyny and cissexism, so many discussions relating to gender/sex and related biology can be triggering or at least heavy if I overindulge. Those reactions don't mean that the content itself is transmisogynistic, bioessentialist or cissexist. Triggers are sadly not rational. Sometimes they are still good guides to figuring things out.

What I notice most of all is my discomfort with the concept of perisex, because rationally it is a term that applies to me. I can confidently say that I am not intersex, at least in the most typical sense. I have had my chromosomes coercively tested, thanks to intersexist medical gatekeeping of gender affirming care and to my knowledge there was never a physiological question regarding my gender/sex (mis)assignemnt. The relevant questions are how is gynecomastia classified, whether I properly had breast development before HRT and if so what caused it.

It is hard to asses one's "natural development" after having been on HRT for years. All there is to rely on is memory, which is far from exact evidence. Having been fat as long as I remember, what might have been breast development was easily attributed to that as opposed to a atypical hormones. Biologically, this is also complicated by the fact that weight is a factor in hormone levels, with fat cells AFAIK contributing to estrogens. Since I started HRT through DIY, i.e. without a prescription or medical oversight, there is also no data on my hormone levels before medication. Altogether, it is a lot more complicated to consider one's "natural" development after having intentionally altered it for years. My point is not to say "I could be intersex but there is no way of knowing!" Even if we assume I had/have an intersex condition that would alter my hormones if it was not for HRT, that label would have no explanatory power on my current conditions because I have medically transitioned.

With all of this context, does the term perisex make sense applied to me? Does it refer to an assumed past state of my body and experiences related to it? The reason I have a negative gut reaction to this is that it reminds me of how a cissexist society treats me and other trans people with a bizarre obsession on our genitalia as infants. The difference obviously is that intersex activists don't assert sex as immutable, but again, triggers are not rational. The question I don't think I can answer is what the "perisex experience" might be, for a trans girl who was distinctly effeminate physically, socially etc.

My intuition is that there might be a need for some more nuanced terminology than a strict intersex-perisex binary. I feel this is something that really needs input from intersex people.

[sharpth1ng]

I hope it's okay to ask you that. I realised I'm trans about a year ago. I usually say I'm a transman so ppl don't get confused but I'd say I'm more non-binary, just very far on the masc spectrum. I was just wondering if you also had like a honeymoon phase? The euphoria I felt was quite intense and my body disphoria wasn't too bad I thought I could handle it. But now the euphoria died down a little and I'm constantly questioning myself and tze dysphoria hit me hard too this week. I think it's the backlash of my family tho that made my excitement die down... I thought After the honeymoon phase it would settle in more comfortably and not make me more anxious. Sorry, now I'm rambling... You don't have to answer this ofc, but idk, in case you wanna share

Hey, I think what you're going through is super normal (as much as it's not fun).

In my experience dysphoria can be something that fluctuates for a wide variety of reasons. I'll talk about it and maybe you'll relate, but don't take this as an exhaustive list it's just based on my experience and I can't speak for everyone.

1. Experiencing transphobia, even indirectly or in microaggressions can trigger dysphoria.

This could be something like watching transphobic content online, or even something like coming out to someone and having them respond with confusion or what I can only describe as disappointment (yk that thing when cis people say they need to mourn the gender you had before). It could also be something much more malicious and dangerous than that, but I'm not going to get into that here.

It's an othering experience, it highlights your identity in a negative way, and it's easy to have old patterns of internalized transphobia wake up in response to that. Even now that I've completed all the medical transition that I ever will that kind of experience that can trigger older dysphoria.

Especially having to deal with family that doesn't understand or people who question you, that kind of stuff can really get in your head and turn you against yourself.

A big contributor to this lately is people fear mongering about how HRT will irreversibly destroy your body (it wont), and make you unattractive based on cis standards (it often doesn't, but why should we care about that?). It presents a medically transitioning body as horrific, and shames those who don't transition medically for not being 'real' (which is also bullshit).

Early in my transition i was confronted with so many people questioning how i really know, and it freaked me out, made me question myself constantly. It made me forget that I know because I feel it. Thats the only evidence you can have for your own gender identity. No one else, not even the most qualified psychiatrist, is able to figure that out for you.

2. Sometimes when you treat one kind of dysphoria you realize that it was drowning out another kind of dysphoria.

This happened to me a few times, like when I got people to start using he/him pronouns and my physical dysphoria got a lot more noticeable. It happened again when I finally got top surgery and my bottom dysphoria decided to get a lot worse.

This obviously isn't going to happen to everyone, but for me it felt like once I was happy with my pronouns and my chest, then my brain had time to focus on something that had always been lurking in the background.

I had always had a level of bottom dysphoria, but I think there's sort of different stages. Like early on you just feel sort of disconnected from a body part, then maybe you start to associate it with confusion and anxiety, and then once you realize that its something you can maybe change is when it really feels the worst, at least consciously.

Its not a new kind of dysphoria materializing out of nowhere, it's just that sometimes one type of pain can hide another type of pain, and when that first type is cured you notice the second.

I wouldn't go back on any of my transition. Before my dysphoria was hurting me in much more harmful and hidden ways, but there's a unique kind of pain that comes from allowing yourself to fully feel something for the first time. You can ride it out, it will fade, you'll find a way to treat it or you'll find a way to manage it if you can't. But it does really suck to get blindsided by that.

3. When you aren't binary or when you're fluid in either gender or presentation, there's a kind of dysphoria from being forced into an arbitrarily binary world that is hard to escape.

Im having a hard time figuring out exactly how to explain this one so I'm going to start in talking about my own experience.

I feel a need to have a masculinized body, and medical transition was absolutely necessary for me. I'd much rather be referred to with he pronouns than she pronouns, and the natural way I emote and carry my body is often perceived as more masculine than feminine.

All of that is true but I also don't know how to understand myself as a man the way other men are (this is just me, i know for a fact other trans men feel like men in the exact same way other men do). He pronouns are better than she, but it/its pronouns are the only ones that make me happy.

I don't really identify with colonial conceptions of gender in general. My understanding of gender means that I just don't think any of our pre-made categories are particularly useful because the traits we use to define them are mostly arbitrary. I don't like dissecting my identity along lines drawn by a system that doesn't represent me.

I tell most people I'm a trans man. I did used to identify that way but over time I've realized the language that feels like it actually captures me is 2spirit. A lot of people don't know what that is though, and I often don't have the energy for an explanation of the fact that our gender and sexuality categories are a colonial construct. When I do, it opens me up to hearing a bunch of anti-indigenous bullshit.

(Everytime I see a post of passing tips for trans men, theres a point about cutting your hair, like braids aren't of massive cultural significance for a lot of native men. And people will just act like the binary is innate. Natural. It's exhausting.)

All that is to say that most of the time I feel like I'm telling half-truths about my gender, and doing that can put you in a weird mental space. It makes you feel like you're fake, or some kind of imposter.

And all of that comes before even thinking about gender presentation.

If I dress in a way thats more binary or masculine I get treated like a binary man in a way that makes me uncomfortable. In particular women and visibly queer people seem less open around me, which makes me feel horribly sad. As a result I often intentionally dress in a more visibly queer way than I would otherwise.

On the other hand, on the rare occasion that I dress in a way that leans more feminine, the I get she/her pronouns (which makes me uncomfortable) or people notice my masculinized body and treat me with what I can only assume is misplaced transmisogyny.

None of these shifts in presentation correspond to a change in my gender. If anything my gender has always been the same and Im more accurately described as a transsexual, in that my sex needed to change, but that doesn't really have anything to do with affirming my gender.

All of this is fucking confusing. Depending on how I present on any given day I can have different weird kinds of dysphoria get triggered, simply because when you're gender non-conforming at all you get othered. Even when i'm in a more binary masculine outfit I feel out of place because I know my internal experience doesn't match what people see when they look at me.

All of that is really long winded, and I don't even know if I'm expressing it properly, but the point I'm trying to illustrate is that the mere experience of being measured up to a binary gender when you aren't binary can be confusing and dysphoria inducing.

Its also important to remember that cis people experience gender dysphoria too.

Cis women who are insecure about having a small chest, being too tall, having facial hair- those women are experiencing dysphoria. Its the same for cis men who are insecure about penis size, the width of their hips, not being muscular enough, ect.

When society has defined a narrow range of biological realities as "correct" the majority of people are not going to fit in, and when you don't fit in it causes you to feel like your body isn't the way its supposed to be, whether or not you're trans. Even worse we don't acknowledge the ways in which constructed gender is mostly only accessible to people can at least seem to have a white, cis, hetero, perisex, thin, abled body.

Because of that, dysphoria doesn't necessarily go away fully when we transition, and thats ok. Its probably going to come and go for you, it will change over time, and most likely it will fade, A LOT as you settle into yourself. The euphoria will come and go too. Thats all a normal part of having a human body.

As long as transition moves us closer to a place that feels comfortable then it's worth it. It doesn't have to fix us or make us perfect. We only have to prefer it to the alternative.

[pathetic-tboy]

I started following your blog and I see you post a lot of T4T so I'm just curious like what makes someone a chaser. Like I'm a cis bi/pan guy and I don't really care much who I'm hooking up with but I've found my experiences with trans men and women generally just a lot better than with cis guys or girls. Like I find these days when I'm dating and someone is trans it appeals to me more because if those connections but I don't want to come off as some chaser that just wants to fetishize trans people but I do still seem to just like them more on a personal level. And my last few long term dating were with trans guys. Like I see a lot of your posts and stuff and things like a trans boy puppy and stuff I find hot because like I used to date one but I feel worried reblogging a lot of that stuff and appearing as a chaser. Is this something that's ever come up with you before with cis friends or relationships in the past, and do you have any advice I guess.

Also feel free to just ignore this message if it's TMI or whatever. I just find myself back at dating again and trying to like work it all out ig

totally fine question

everyone has different ideas of what a chaser is, some are more bad faith than others, MY general idea is someone who fetishizes transness and trans bodies

however, some people who also say this also include people who are just attracted to their trans partners/are t4t. so my idea of a fetishist is in a very negative way

what actions i would consider from a fetishist are wanting to control your partners transition, wanting your partner to halt their transition for sexual reasons regardless of what they themselves want, largely doesnt consider their trans partners human on the basis that they're fetishizing them. what this means is that a chaser may consider their partners wellbeing, consent, and opinions secondary to them and/or their fetish

what i DONT believe a chaser is is any person who has a history of dating mostly trans people (or even preferring to date trans people) for any other reason. theres lots of reasons someone may prefer to date trans people, im t4t for safety and comfort reasons

in my idea of what a chaser is, trans people are not excluded from that definition. my nonbinary ex guilted me into not getting top surgery or binding for their sexual fetish of transmasc bodies, and as a result, i lost a lot of my personal identity and my grasp of who i was. however, some people dont believe trans people can be chasers

and, noteably, you can have your preferences in partners influenced by past partners. my first serious trans ex made me realize im really into dominant women who are a little taller than me, for example. its very reasonable that, if you have had very good relationships with trans people, you might want to continue that streak.

also, ignore this bit if its out of pocket, but honestly if you find that you connect more with trans people than cis people, it might be worth exploring your gender a little bit. birds of a feather and all that jazz, yknow?

all in all, i consider a chaser to be inherently in bad faith. if you happen to have a trans partner or even just think trans dudes are hot (we are) then dw about reblogging my stuff! honestly i think with the way social media is right now with everyone assuming bad faith, anyone who even dates a trans person is usually gonna get called a chaser at least once. i've gotten called a chaser so many times, like yall my girlfriend is way worse of a chaser than i am lol

[brilokuloj]

I've been trying harder lately to not be paranoid and assume bad faith in others, so I have chosen to believe that people who post "eww, humans" might not consider how their sentiment impacts people who are already hurting. Frequently, I think they are posting it because of their own bad feelings and struggles, and don't think about how that would make their friends and community feel.

In fact, a lot of the "human bodies are bad" sentiment revolves around how human bodies are impractical (disabled bodies are negative), sex is nasty and genitals are weird (transitioned bodies are negative)...

So, if I may, here are things I think we need more of:

Human positivity, or at least tolerance, especially of the gross and yucky and boring parts

Furries/aliens/robots/etc who love their human partners (and the focus is NOT on how cute or sexy the nonhuman is for doing so). Relationships that are mutual and not a Connecticut Clark joke.

Humans from an alien but not negative perspective

Nonhumanity as not a better but simply alternative experience

and I guess probably this far in you're already thinking "most media is human-positive" but MCU dudes and anime boys are like pugs to me, they can't live.

Characters that live without prosthetics, or get feasible or life-impacting ones, rather than Cool Robot Parts; aesthetics (or sex factor.) should not justify or make up for a disability; a character that makes you think "gee, I wish they would cut my arm off!" is not disability representation. I have experienced people listing Junkrat as proof they could be attracted to me as a mobility aid user.

Humans will not destroy machinery, no robot uprising, but rather they maintain the mutual relationship they've always had (and less of using robots as a stand-in for autism representation. My God.)

Many human women were computers before machines were computers. I just think this is cool and not really explored :(

Top surgery scars that are not like cool perfectly-symmetrical explosions or jagged teeth. Get a tattoo if you want, but a lot of the time scars are raised and shiny, which I rarely see either.

I doubt anyone in the world enjoys their period, but they're frequently pointed to as "proof" that humans aren't worth being. If your periods make you lay down on the floor and want to kill yourself for a week, you seriously should see a doctor if you can. I didn't know until it was way too late that I had other options, because periods are too yucky to candidly discuss and no one told me it wasn't normal.

Testosterone gives you acne. Spironolactone makes you need to pee more. There's a lot of unexpected things like that, and they are not objectively gross or sexy; they're just things that happen, that deserve to be discussed.

Fursuit poodling (having uncovered skin in a partial fursuit). It's not gross, it doesn't 'break the magic'. Fursuiting is sweltering exhausting work, and real humans are inside them, and they deserve to be appreciated.

It can be really hurtful to blithely say that human genitals are disgusting, especially in front of people who may want to one day pursue affirmative surgery. If someone personally doesn't like dongs, I wish they would just say that. Jeez.

Nobody is "better" for having an aversion to human bodies for whatever reason. I understand personally that it can be isolating, especially if those reasons are trauma-related. But turning your sexual attractions into a matter of you being "better", or a clubhouse, is not really coping with it. Disgust is not a judgment of morals or quality. It's an emotion, and one that can be very hurtful to people who are already getting hurt.

Because nothing is Good or Bad. It just is what it is. Judging people's right to exist and be depicted, based on sex appeal or morality (or god forbid, purity, which I've seen more of recently, somehow completely ignoring the religious abuse connotations) is... messed up.

And to make this post not just me complaining, you can share your creations or ideas that you feel like apply, if you want :)