#holy shit I’ve never wanted a specific cat more in my life??

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

tuxedo iii, m | myg

pairing(s): yoongi x reader, mentions of previous jungkook x reader

summary: It’s the next morning. Your cat is still a man. Fuck. He still thinks he owns the place, including you. Sigh. Well, you still have to do your job, because, yikes, your cat-man has spent a small fortune on new clothes (spending like he’s got a black card, what’s up with that?). Ah, but... maybe both of you are starting to finally acknowledge that he might be a more man than cat – at least for the time being...?

warnings: rated M (18+) for language, mentions of the coronavirus pandemic; possibly full-on crack; mentions of and a tiny bit of smut (fem reader, spanking, doggy, unintentional??? voyeurism, dry humping / thigh riding); domestic and soft moments with your cat-man; non-idol!AU - cat!Yoongi x human!reader; ft slightly cocky Jeon Jungkook (+drama!!!) and bestfriend!Kim Seokjin; breaking of the fourth wall; are YOU a furry? yeah, I kinda think you are

*deep breath* I reference a certain boat that was stuck in the Suez Canal, Yoongi's livestream where he poked himself in the nose with the coffee straw, his love for tangerines, too many Twitch chat memes, that time his mom called him a boiled dumpling, 'BST' pink pajama Yoongi, DTS, TXT's 'Cat & Dog', etc...

–

part i | part ii

-

You woke up slowly. 

A perfect, peaceful morning. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Neck cradled by your memory foam pillow? Check. Back well supported by your soft mattress? Check. Not sleeping on your sofa and destroying your spine? Check. Hey, you’re moving up in life! Ah, what a normal day already. You opened your eyes a crack; vision blurred from the morning sunlight filtering through your curtains. Bundled in your minty-green duvet? Check. Wearing your extra soft black-and-white striped pajamas? Check. 

Large pale human hand firmly gripping your right titty? Check. 

Wait… 

What?

Your eyes snapped open and flew to your left. 

Min Yoongi's face was centimeters from yours, buried into your pillow, messy bedhead sticking out everywhere. Black choker with the tiny silver bell around his neck. Still had those black velvety pointed cat ears and glowing pale skin, pretty pink lips ever-so-slightly upturned, warm exhale against your ear. 

Your cat still a disturbingly handsome man?

Ah, yup, check. 

His hand was on your right breast, fingers molded to the soft curve. A quick glance and, whew, he was still fully dressed in his black t-shirt and sweatpants from yesterday. Yes, fully, completely dressed. Shit, what if he caught you staring? You quickly flickered your eyes up at the ceiling, hastily wiping the drool away from your mouth. Whoa there. That would be embarrassing if he caught that.

Also, kind of gross. Don’t be gross. Keep it together.

Hahaha…

Well, yup, this was still awkward, the whole hand-on-the-titty thing, hahaha, but not as awkward as it would be if, hahaha, you accidentally, oh, don't know, hahaha, got really, really, really disgustingly drunk and, hahaha, had somehow lost all impulse control and, hahaha, fucked your cat?

Man.

Cat-man. 

Hahaha, that would never happen. You’d make sure of that.

... 

Unless?

No, no, no, stop, he's your cat, your cat, he's literally been a (cat) man for one fucking day, albeit a incredibly hot, deliciously built (cat) man who put your facial massager on your nipple and let you touch his human dick in the shower and he was hard for a hot second, so... no, no, no, stop, you are not a desperate thot, get a fucking grip – well, you kind of are – but not him, for fuck’s sake, you still don't understand what the fuck is going on or if he even remotely likes you and, let's face it, he probably doesn’t because you almost paid a guy to chop off his nuts–

"Are you dying?"

You choked on air and lurched sharply at the sudden deep, raspy voice. The grip on your right breast tightened, preventing you from moving away. You did what any sensible human being would do in this situation and wheezed like you were on the verge of passing out. 

"Urk!"

"Do you have high blood pressure?" Yoongi yawned calmly, turning his face to the side to avoid breathing in your face, thereby pressing his body even closer to you. Your neck and ears heated to five billion degrees. "Your heart's beating abnormally fast. Maybe you should see a doctor."

You definitely needed to see a doctor for something as well as several gallons of holy water and a priest to get an exorcism for that horny demon inside you. 

"Y-Your hand!"

Yoongi grunted. "What about it?"

What about it???

"It's on my tits!" you squeaked.

Yoongi lifted his head, squinting. "It is." Then his head dropped and he closed his eyes again. 

HELLO, Min Yoongi? That's ALL you have to say???

"Is there a problem?"

IS THERE A PROBLEM???????

"I've always slept like this," he mumbled.

That's... true though. Your tuxedo cat, previously named Shooky until you realized he had his own name, did used to always sleep next to you, when he wasn’t trying to murder you by sitting on your chest, that is (he was adamant on letting you know when he needed breakfast). Usually, your cat was splayed out by your left side, his long body extended and pressed against you, his white, sock-like paws encircling your arm. Shooky had basically been a small furry heater that kicked you sometimes in his sleep. 

Keyword: small.

"Y-You w-were a cat!" you sputtered.

"I'm still a cat."

"No, you're a man! With arms!"

"The reach is a little farther. Who cares?"

WHO CARES???????

Before you could very loudly inform Yoongi who exactly cared – that’s you, by the way, yes, you – he wrapped his arms around you and yanked your body to his, turning you into a red-hot chili pepper with the amount of heat your face was now emitting. Then his free hand grabbed your other titty. Without asking! Without even so much as buying you dinner or, hell, giving you a goddamn cracker! You didn't need to be wined and dined, but at least a single fucking snack before using your tits like his own personal stress ball!

Yoongi pressed your back into his chest.

You froze. 

He pressed his crotch into your ass, shivering slightly.

Your soul left your body. 

"Ugh, this human body is terrible," Yoongi muttered. "Always so cold. I need this extra body heat or I'll die."

You'll die? YOU’LL DIE?

You were pretty sure that you were already dead. Rest in peace.

Hang on. 

Something was stuck in a very specific place, quite similar to a far-too-large boat in a narrow canal.

"Um."

Er...

"What?" your cat-man grunted.

"Your..." You gulped. "Dick."

"What about it?"

"You, uh... have morning wood."

"Is that a human euphemism?" he grumbled impatiently, clear annoyance in his tone. "I don't understand your species. Wouldn't it be easier to be straightforward and explain yourself clearly?"

A muscle in your eye twitched, reaching breaking point.

"Your dick is rock-hard and you're shoving it between my ass cheeks!"

"Yeah, so? It's cold too."

Your irritation fizzled out at Yoongi’s self-assured, completely calm response. In fact, he sounded borderline bored and exasperated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. His hard dick was cold, so he put it in the warmest place he could find, your ass, duh. Nothing weird about it, of course. Your mind reeled, unable to compute what the fuck was going on. Thus, your body did what it did best in these moments where you did not want to give a response that would most certainly expose you and your dire need to get dicked.

Not deal with it, of course.

You fainted.

-

"Fuck!"

You shot out of bed at the harsh yell, tangled in the covers, barely registering that Yoongi no longer had a death grip on your tits – in fact, he was no longer in bed at all – and stumbled towards the source of the sound, highly disoriented, your earlier fainting spell turning you into a bumbling mess.

Admittedly, not that different from your usual self.

(Ouch, roasted.)

"What, what, what?" you croaked, running into the doorframe of the bedroom and nearly taking yourself out. 

Might as well, maybe it would have been a blessing in disguise, considering the way your life was going. 

You finally tumbled your way to the kitchen, where your cat-man was hissing at the pan on the stove. 

"I was trying to make eggs," Yoongi spat, pointing accusingly at the frying pan. His ears were flat and his tail was sticking straight up. "And then it attacked me."

If you had three functioning brain cells, you would have remembered Yoongi putting his morning wood between your ass cheeks this morning, but alas, you only had two at the moment – you did run into the doorframe, might have lost one there – so instead you nudged him aside and rolled up your sleeves, taking the pan and shaking it so the eggs wouldn't burn. 

"Was it the oil? Sometimes it pops," you asked as Yoongi continued death glaring at the pan.

"I saw you doing this yesterday. You didn't seem bothered," he mumbled, finishing with a low, angry hiss as if the pan was sentient and mocking him. The oil popped and seared your forearm, but at this point you maybe had five hair follicles total on your arms with how many times hot oil had splattered in you. It used to bother you when you were a kid, but years of cooking had desensitized the feeling, turning it to nothing more than a mere annoyance. Yoongi stayed behind you, intermittently letting out hisses of rage as you cooked.

"I told you, my dad's a chef. You get used to it," you said, tipping the pan and flipping the thin egg pancake with ease. 

"That's bizarre," Yoongi muttered. "No normal animal gets used to pain."

Normality was starting to become a bit of a foreign concept to you.  As for being an animal, well…

You took the pan off the heat and rolled the egg onto a plate with a spare set of chopsticks, turning it into a log shape. A literal egg roll, ready to be sliced into bite-sized pieces. You took a sniff. It seemed to be seasoned already. Had Yoongi simply copied what you did yesterday? His observation skills were insane.

"Then again, you seem to enjoy–"

"Yoongi," you blurted, not wanting to know what he thought you seemed to enjoy, but very sure it was going to be one-hundred-percent embarrassing and only for you. "There's some leftover beef and vegetables in the fridge you can have with the egg and rice."

He raised his eyebrows. "Beef? Why didn't you say so earlier?"

Because I was asleep and maybe half-dead? "Did you brush your teeth?' you asked suddenly. 

Yoongi scowled. "Unfortunately."

"Right, so should I, goodbye now."

You marched away hurriedly, trying not to think about how your cat had surely witnessed you getting spanked while being fucked from behind by none other than, surprise, surprise, his not-so-favorite human being, Jeon Jungkook. Tattoo guy strikes again. The worst part was, you couldn't lock the door on your cat either, because then he would meow incessantly while you were getting deep-dicked and that was even worse. 

"Your cat really likes you, huh?" Jungkook mused as you yanked open the bedroom door to the black-and-white tuxedo furball. 

"Like is a strong word," you muttered at your cat, who yawned and sauntered past you to his cat tree, acting like he owned the damn place. 

"I like you."

"Hah... wait, what?"

Jungkook grinned as your eyes found his. Took a while. You were a little distracted by his nakedness. His tattoos up his right arm. His tan skin. His muscles. His white teeth biting on his lower lip, tiny mole underneath flashing. His long black hair, framing dark chocolate eyes and teasing, cocked eyebrow. 

"I like you," he repeated, voice deep and sexy.

You turned red and made the most coherent noise you could. 

“... Urk?”

“Noona.”

Why did he look so fucking hot and disrespectful at the same time when saying an honorific?

Jungkook came up to you, hand cupping your head and tangling his fingers in your hair. He brought his face close to yours, lips brushing against your swollen ones, taking your breath away.

"Wanna go back to me spanking you while you get off on my dick?"

Respectfully, of course. 

"How much rice do you want?"

You started, poking yourself in the nose with your toothpaste-covered toothbrush and smearing mint up your nostril – almost as bad as poking a coffee straw up your nose during a livestream in front of millions of people, yikes – as Yoongi appeared behind you, breaking you out of the memory. Your cat-man watched you with mild disgust and displeasure as you coughed and dunked your head into the sink, hurriedly rinsing off your burning nose.

"Whatever, I'll just fill it halfway."

And he left you sputtering, pajamas and hair soaking wet in your haste.

Awesome. 

-

“I’m ordering some groceries,” you announced in between bites of rice and egg. You tapped lightly at the phone screen as you spoke. Green onions, tofu, cucumbers… “Do you want anything?”

“Meat.”

You swiped rapidly and added packages of chicken, pork, and beef into your cart. Why the fuck not? You like meat. All kinds of–

“Yes, Yoongi, I’m getting meat. Anything else?”

“What else is there?”

You made a face and handed him your phone. “All sorts of things. Household products too, in case you don’t want to smell like my soap.”

“Your soap is preferable,” he said absentmindedly, scrolling through the online grocery app. You continued eating, shoving things in your mouth and none of it dick. Sad. At least it tasted good. Your cat-man had seasoned the egg well. You jumped as Yoongi spoke again. “I want these.” He turned the phone around.

You squinted at the screen, staring at a picture of orange balls. “Tangerines? Why?”

He turned the phone back to him. “They’re small, round, and look tasty.”

You blinked at him, then shrugged. “Sure, why not? I guess your palette might have changed. Try whatever you want.”

He pursed his lips and pressed a few buttons as you ate. You realized you needed to order more groceries now that your cat was a man eating your human food and no longer a cat eating his rather expensive cat food. Sigh. You had put Shooky’s cat bowls in a cabinet earlier this morning before sitting down to eat. It seemed weird leaving them out on the floor like that. Kind of offensive, maybe, now that your cat was a man and all…

“Okay, I ordered it.”

“Ah, okay, that’s good. They’ll probably come later this week.”

-

After breakfast, you spent nearly half an hour with Yoongi trying to pick out something for him to watch from your various streaming services, only for him to select a historical drama series. Like what? You cat (man) wanted to watch historical drama out of all things? Instead of learning about the modern world, he wanted to watch a depiction of the past?

Whatever, it had seventy-seven episodes, so at least he would be occupied for a while.

You let him be and went to your computer, intending on getting some editing done. Sure, the universe decided your cat was a man now, but you still needed to pay for said cat-man’s existence. You still didn’t know what you were going do to with all that cat food, cat toys, cat tree… ugh, this was all a problem for future you, not present you.

Present you needed to splice five-hundred images of PepeHands together and overlay it over a League of Legends one-shot compilation.

Uh, so, it was this meme of a green frog named Pepe holding up his anthropomorphic hands in despair, therefore coining the term PepeHands for a particular Twitch chat emote… never mind, it just meant you were spending some time video editing for a gaming YouTuber and it required concentration, shitty memes, and well-timed captions. And you were getting paid good money to do this.

Yeah, it’s a weird world.

You sat at your desktop and got to work, doing the rough cuts of the video first. Thankfully, the YouTuber had already sent you the timestamps of the noteworthy moments, therefore making your job a lot easier. You spent several hours compiling the clips before adding your extra flair and effects. You had a library of images and sound bites that you commonly used (including Goofy singing Evanescence's ‘Bring Me to Life’) and was in the middle of grayscaling a video clip and adding the familiar audio of all around me are familiar faces before being scared shitless.

“Woof.”

You swore someone was singing ‘Mad World’ as they were narrating your life right now.

“Gah!”

You jerked in your seat to see Yoongi leaning over behind you, eyebrow raised as you gawked at him.

“Don’t sneak up on me like that!” you exclaimed, pulling back an earcup of your headset.

He frowned. “How can I sneak up on you?” He flicked the silver bell on the black choker around his neck, making it jingle cheerfully. “You put stupid thing on me, remember?”

You winced. “Well, I’d take it off, but there’s some kind of voodoo magic on that shit – and hey, don’t change the subject! You have that weird cat thing where you’re silent no matter what.”

Yoongi looked unbothered. “Weird cat thing? Thought you said I was a man?”

“Thought you said you were a cat?” you shot back.

You glared at him and he gave you a blank expression. Then he cocked his head to your desk.

“Your phone is flashing.”

You jerked your head to see your phone screen flicker. You grabbed it off you desk and unlocked it, checking your messages. Five messages from – ah, but of course – your best friend. Kim Seokjin.

LET ME SEE YOUR CAT

LET ME SEE YOUR CAT

LET ME SEE YOUR CAT

LET ME SEE YOUR CAT

LET ME SEE YOUR CAT

You pursed your lips. With the pandemic and all, you hadn’t visited Seokjin in forever, but every week he would text you, asking for a photo of your cat and he would send you a picture of his sugar glider. With every week being the same and nothing interesting of note happening, it was hard to think of conversation topics. Therefore, Seokjin and you came up with this weekly event so your friendship wouldn’t deteriorate. Also, both of you were serious introverts, so he spent most of this pandemic playing MapleStory while you spent most of it on your couch watching Netflix with your cat. It was a miracle you two hadn’t morphed into actual potatoes yet.

You glanced at Yoongi, who was inspecting his nails and picking at them. You frowned and batted at his hand. He frowned back and smacked yours, harder. You glared at him. He gave you a vacant stare, as if he had done nothing.

“Why are you picking at your cuticles?” you muttered, going back to your phone and sending Seokjin an old picture of Shooky. You couldn’t exactly send him a picture of current Shooky. He was… well, currently not a cat. You stared at the picture of the fluffy tuxedo cat curled into a ball, asleep in your lap on the couch.

That moment wasn’t even that long ago.

Somehow, it felt like ages since you had last petted that furry butt.

“Hm, dunno. Occupies my hands, I guess,” Yoongi replied distractedly.

“Well, you shouldn’t. It’s not good for you.” You noticed you had another message from the local delivery service, saying a package had arrived at your doorstep. You stood, placing your phone on the desk and looked at Yoongi, who was staring at his old cat tree, the one by the window. When he was a cat, he used to poke his head between the curtains and look outside, watching the birds. It was his favorite haunt.

Now…

“Why’d you say woof?” you asked abruptly, giving him a quizzical look. “I thought you were a cat.”

Yoongi shrugged, tearing his eyes away from the cat tree to give you an uninterested stare. “Thought it would surprise you more. You’ve heard meow for long enough.”

You furrowed your brow. “Why would you want to surprise me?”

He shrugged again. “I was bored.”

“… You were bored so you decided to sneak up and scare the shit out of me?”

He paused, black tail swishing back and forth, pointed ears perked. Then he nodded.

“Yup.”

Sigh.

-

You lugged in the huge cardboard box, Yoongi standing out of sight of the front door as you huffed and puffed with your weak arms. Okay, it wasn’t even that big, but it was quite heavy and you weren’t exactly John Cena. Your arms were about as strong as a bowl of overcooked ramyeon noodles and that was putting it kindly. You weren’t the working out type. People who worked out diligently were dog people. People who preferred sleeping as their primary workout regimen had cats. What were the kinds of people who had cat-men then? The kind of people who like sleeping, but also needed a…

(You already know the answer.)

Yoongi snapped the door closed the second you managed to pull it on far enough to do so.

“You look like a boiled dumpling,” he commented.

“At least I’m delicious food,” you wheezed, inspecting the box. You recognized the clothing brand. “Is this the stuff your ordered? How did it come so fast?”

“I selected next-day delivery.”

You paled.

“I need clothes as soon as possible, don’t I? Or should I go back to being naked, since you’re a pervert?”

You choked, ears burning. “I’m not a pervert!”

“Mhm.”

You tried not to think about the hit on your wallet as you grabbed your keys from the side table and opened the box, seeing all the plastic packages inside. Monotone, in white or black. Figures. You tipped the box to the side and the clothes spilled out, tumbling all over the floor. It took a firm shake to dump it all on the ground. You got on your hands and knees to spread them out, tossing the cardboard aside carelessly to shift through the items. Hopefully, Yoongi had read the listings and selected the correct sizes. From your brief glance, you noticed the tops were quite oversized. Maybe he liked that fit? He had been quite a fluffy cat.

You spotted the packing slip with all the prices listed. You fished it out and then heard a thunk-thunk-thunk, the sound of cardboard on hardwood. Huh?

You looked up to see Yoongi swatting the box around.

“What… are you doing?”

He shrugged. “Investigating.”

You blinked. “Investigating what?”

“Don’t know. I simply feel the need to investigate, thus I am doing so.”

You stared at Yoongi for several minutes as he continued to… uh, investigate (???) the cardboard box, holding it this way and that, smacking it around, watching the flaps bounce in the air as it rolled. His velvety ears perked upwards, sleek black tail swishing with interest.

His expression was completely neutral.

For the first time since becoming a human, you thought Yoongi was more cat than man.

“Uh… okay…”

You glimpsed down to the paper in your hands, seeing the total cost.

You felt the color drain out of your face.

My… wallet…

F in the chat.

You fainted.

-

You felt someone poking you in the head.

“Are you dead?”

You gasped and jerked up like a drown victim coming up for air, still in mild shock of the sudden financial hit of your cat becoming a man. It was okay. You weren’t poor. You just didn’t expect Yoongi to be a shopping like he owned a fucking black card.

“Did I spend too much?”

You snapped out of your stunned state at his soft tone. Yoongi wasn’t looking at you. He was kneeling on top of the pile of clothes, dark eyes on the paper in your shaking hands. With a start, you realized his words were heavy with guilt, his ears pointing downwards and tail tucked against the ground.

“No,” you said quickly, putting the receipt down. “No, Yoongi. I asked you to buy clothes, remember? And besides, it’s better for you to buy things you like and are interested in, rather than me wasting money on things you’ll never wear.”

He raised his head a little, eyes darting from your face to your hands.

You smiled at him, reaching up to pat his head and stroke the fur on his ears. “Hey, don’t worry. It’s only money. Money will never be more important to me than you, okay?”

For a second, you saw something flicker in Yoongi’s eyes. It was so fast that you barely caught it. Relief? Gratitude? Fondness? Then he ticked his head out of your hand, fair cheeks flushing pink.

“You… you don’t have to do that,” he muttered.

“O… oh.” For some reason, you felt a pang in your chest at his words. “R-right.”

Yoongi made eye contact with you, dark brown orbs guarded. He spoke quietly, without emotion.

“Do you wish this never happened?”

“What?” You furrowed your brows. “What do you mean?”

He gestured to himself, waving a hand up and down carelessly. “This. Human me.”

Human me.

You answered instantly.

“No.”

Yoongi gave you the disbelieving side-eye.

You let out a sheepish puff of air. “I always kind of wished you were human.” You scratched the back of your head aimlessly. “No one listened to me like you did. Even if I was having the shittest day of all time, you always made it better. You were the best cat ever.” You chuckled, smiling up at him. “Sure, your species changed, but you’re still the same, right?”

His eyes shifted, his cheeks still a light pink. “I’m still a cat,” he mumbled awkwardly.

You raised your brows. “Mhm, is that why you were playing with the box?”

“I wasn’t playing with the box,” Yoongi huffed, sounding insulted.

“Then I’ll break it down and recycle it.”

“No,” he snapped firmly. “It’s useful. We’re keeping it.”

“We don’t need a box, Yoongi.”

He tutted. “Hmph, humans. So wasteful. A perfectly good box should be reused.”

“Right.”

You tried to hide your laugh as Yoongi refused to look you in the eye.

-

You left Yoongi to examine his new wardrobe on the floor. You tried to pick them up but he stubbornly remained on the pile of clothes, not letting you move them. When you stood up to leave, you asked him when he was going to move – he replied with, "When it feels right", just cat things, you supposed – and hurried off to export the edited video you were working on earlier. The due date was today and you had to review it for quality.

A certain quality. 

A certain quality of... of... 

Needing the money.

Because your cat (man) had spent fat chunk of it on clothes, only to be more interested in the box they came in and sitting on said clothes rather than the actual items themselves. 

Sigh. 

-

"I ordered the wrong color."

"Oh?" you muttered distractedly, clocking on the export button. You'd been going cross-eyed for the past two or three hours – had it really been that long? shit – and checked your phone to see Gukmul, Seokjin's white sugar glider, peering up at the camera on a white fluffy blanket. You smiled, typing a response to praise his cuteness, completely ignoring the fact that Seokjin had also stuck his handsome face in the photo, smiling with a thumbs-up next to his pet. 

The reply was instant. 

hello, acknowledge my BEAUTIFUL FACE

You deliberately didn't answer right away to piss Seokjin off even more. 

"What's wrong with it?" you asked, looking up. 

Your jaw dropped. 

You dropped your phone. 

Yoongi, your cat-man with excellent reflexes, made absolutely no move to catch it. 

It smacked you in the calf and hit your toes – fucking ow, holy shit – before clattering to the floor. You had a protective phone case on it with a cute tuxedo cat graphic. The screen wouldn't crack with the protector on it. In this moment, however, you didn't give a shit about your smartphone, Kim Seokjin, or even the blinding pain in your foot. Nope. 

You were ogling at Min Yoongi in pink silk pajamas.

-

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to–

Oi!

No, don't you dare scroll past! You think you're clever or something?! Hm? Advertisements always happen at the most crucial parts, you say? 

This is just an ad? 

Look here, Lemona Vitamin C Powder can provide a lot of benefits, including providing natural energy and boosting your immune system in, say, a worldwide pandemic–

STOP TRYING TO SCROLL PAST!!!

-

Jeon Jungkook stared at his phone. 

At a very specific number. 

He put it down, sighing a little, looking out the window instead. It was a nice day, but he couldn't enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed. Pandemic and all that. He frowned, looking at the urban jungle surrounding him. Had he made a mistake moving here to the big city? Sometimes he wondered. Back then, he had moved to finish school and pursue his ambitions. Back then, his choice had seemed full of opportunities, but now.

What did he have, really?

A tiny apartment with a kind and understanding landlord. The world at his fingertips from his computer. Still a decent amount of savings left. Online courses that he needed to finish to get his film degree. 

Loneliness.

He delved into his memories, smiling at the recollection of confused looks, awkward smiles, indignant huffs. So very unlike him to tease so much, but it was too fun and he hadn't felt the usual nervousness and shyness he had around others. There was something comforting about that smile, that apartment, and that fluffy tuxedo cat that loved to interrupt everything. 

He shouldn't have played it off.

He shouldn't have distracted.

Not after he admitted it.

"I like you."

Jungkook said it to the air, to the memory. So vivid that he reached out to touch those lips, but then it all disappeared, just like that. 

Ah.

He looked at the back of his phone, wondering. But now he was too nervous and shy to pick it up again. Why was that? When he was there, being seen by those surprised eyes, he could do and say shameless things. But far away, when he was alone, Jungkook was hesitating, suddenly afraid.

Sigh. 

-

You sneezed. 

Very loudly and jerking your head away from your cat-man in luxurious pink silk, jamming your nose into your elbow.

Yoongi raised an eyebrow. 

You sniffed, rubbing your nose. 

"Someone must be thinking about me..." you muttered. 

Yoongi looked down, plucking the collar of the pajamas. "The cotton shirts are the same size, but for some reason this one fits tighter. Why is that? Is there no regulated sizing in human fashion?"

Dude, be glad you're not a girl, you thought dryly. "Might be the fabric," you coughed distractedly. Distractedly because you were staring at quite possibly the most gorgeous man in the history of men and you stared at a lot of men in your short lifetime, so you had experienced eyeballs.

Wait. 

Man or cat-man?

Well, Yoongi was definitely the most gorgeous cat-man considering you were pretty sure there was only one in current existence.

His pointed ears stood straight up in interest, black hair messy from taking clothes on and off, fair cheeks and nose flushed pink, perhaps from physical exertion. Dark brown eyes sheepish, not quite looking at you. The black leather choker stood out on his neck, silver bell gleaming against his collarbones. The material was a mauve-pink silk, clinging to his lean body, showing off his shoulders and long limbs. The button-up shirt created a rather deep v-neckline, a sliver of pale chest visible. And his legs! His slim legs reminded you of a nimble dancer, ending in fuzzy black slippers. 

There was a weird lump in one of the pant legs, going down his thigh. 

Whoa. 

"W-Why did you pick them?" you tried to ask in the least awkward way possible, attempting – and failing – to not to stare at his delectable thighs. 

Yoongi shrugged. "They looked like the ones you have. I meant to get black, but I suppose I didn't read the listing closely enough. They're comfortable though," he mused before making a face. Your eyes bulged as there was a sudden jerk in his pants, creating a large tent in the crotch. 

Alarms sounded off in your head, arousal shooting up like a rocket. 

Oh. 

Oh??? 

Oh!!!!!!!

"My tail is stuck," Yoongi grunted, lowering the back of the pink silk pants. The sleek black cat tail slid out, swishing in the air, tent in his pants gone. 

Oh…

Right. The tail.

Because he's a cat... man.

Your inner thot was sad. Your dignity smacked you upside the head, highly disappointed in you for falling for that, then calmly shot down your arousal rocket with your shame. Oof.

"Can you show me how to sew so I can fix my own clothes from now on?" Yoongi asked as he readjusted the front of the silk shirt. 

You bent down to pick up your phone, trying to do something with your face and hands to disguise your embarrassment and burning ears. "Yeah, of course." You placed it on your desk and turned back to face him. 

Yoongi was right next to you. 

Literally so close that you could feel his body heat. 

"... Urk!"

You jumped in your seat, banging your knee against your desk and howling in pain, computer chair rolling and making you lose your balance, ass about to slip before Yoongi grabbed your chair and shoved it into the table, making you trip and fall back into the seat, head hitting the headrest a little too hard, seeing stars and rubber duckies for a second. 

Wait, were they rubber duckies? They were white and glittery, almost as if they were made from snow…

Yoongi slapped you in the face.

“Ow!”

You rubbed your cheek, blinking rapidly to clear your vision before glaring at him.

“Checking if you were alive,” was his placid response.

Alright, it wasn’t that hard, but the unexpectedness of it still hurt. You frowned, only for the pain to slowly melt away, quickly being replaced by something else as you realized Yoongi was still half-leaning over you, a knee on your computer gaming chair to prevent it from rolling. The sting in your knee was temporarily forgotten. Yoongi spoke again, his voice low and deep, almost a sensual purr.

“You hit yourself pretty hard.”

He doesn’t know what’s he’s doing. It’s just a coincidence. A kitty-incidence, Seokjin would say.

Your eyes widened as Yoongi closed in, peering at your unfocused gaze. Now you could see down his shirt. Holy shit. Were you so deprived that you were getting mad horny from seeing Yoongi’s fucking clavicle and sternum?

Is that even a question?

Yes.

Yes, you were.

“You look like you did last night.”

“What?” you breathed, still unabashedly looking down his shirt.

“Your pupils are dilated.”

You froze. His cool fingertips were on your neck.

“Heartrate increased.”

You wanted to pull back, say, no, wait, don’t do that, but Yoongi was too close and his exhale was too feathery, brushing against your lips, and you couldn’t move, trapped in your chair, between him wrapped in pink silk and your mind reeling, him still playing fucking doctor while you were trying not to jump his half-covered ass.

“And that smell.”

You finally tore your gaze away, eyes drifting up to his.

You swallowed.

“S… smell?”

Oh no.

Oh no, no, no.

Ohnoohshitwhatifhecansmellmypus–

Yoongi’s eyes narrowed, surveying you closely. He was so close you couldn’t see his lips, only his dark brown orbs. He didn’t say anything. He smelled like your soap, reminding you of his naked body pressed against you in the shower. Your heartbeat was leaping to your throat, threatening to choke you with your own horniness. Honestly, at this point, would you even be surprised?

You chuckled nervously, clinging onto your last shreds of self-preservation, which, admittedly, were rapidly yeeting out of your hands.

“Hahaha… but you’re… a cat… yeah?”

Right?

Seconds passed.

Right???

Minutes passed.

RIGHT???????

Yoongi’s lashes lowered, not quite looking at your eyes. Staring at your lips.

“I’m a man too,” he whispered softly.

Your eyes widened.

Yoongi kissed you.

You were so shocked that you swore your eyes nearly left your head.

It was a soft kiss, his eyes closed, tilting his head slightly to fit better against yours, pressing you back into your chair. Your head hit the headrest and you gasped, your tongue lightly flicking his lips and they parted, his own tongue sliding against yours, gentle licks, your brain malfunctioning, but body remembering, hands coming up to grab his shirt and yank him closer, pressing back against him. He backed up a little at your suddenness, exhaling hard. Your eyes snapped open, suddenly aware of how forceful you were.

Yoongi looked away, pointed black ears flicking back and forth uneasily.

You kissed your cat. Man. Cat-man.

He’s been a man for not even two days and you just tried to make out with him like a demented beast!

“A-ah, Yoongi, no, I’m so sorry, I-I… please, I didn’t mean to…” you stuttered, letting go of him quickly, but also not wanting to let go, but you should, your hands getting confused by your mental signals, repeatedly clasping and unclasping the pink silk, not realizing that he wasn’t even trying to move away.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Yoongi said slowly.

You clutched his shirt, staring at your white knuckles, unable to look at him directly.

“I’m sorry, it’s just… you’re so handsome, but I’m your owner… and I cracked…”

“What you are is a desperate, sexually deprived human.”

You jerked your head up, seeing his unreadable expression. “I-It’s been over a year–”

All of a sudden, Yoongi lowered his knee and grabbed you by the ass, scooting you down on the rolling chair. You yelped at the swift movement, gasping as your crotch collided with his thigh, wincing as you heard the squelch of your panties jamming into your soaked core.

Yikes.

Welp, you can’t hide that shit now.

“You like things like this, don’t you?” Yoongi murmured.

Your cheeks heated. “T…Things like w-what…?”

Oh, you knew what. You knew very well what, but you also couldn’t form coherent sentences.

His fingers sank into your ass and he pressed you into his thigh, rolling it into your heat. The whines tore out of your throat involuntarily, grabbing his arm and staring up at him with shaking eyes, seeing his curious gaze looking down at you.

“B-But, Yoongi… I’m your o-owner,” you panted, resolve slipping with every second, your hips already rocking into his thigh, the slippery thin fabric doing nothing to hide his lean muscle, your own thighs clamping around his leg. “I’m supposed to t-take care of y-you…”

And last more than two days, fucking shit, get it together!

But you couldn’t get it together, especially not as Yoongi’s voice dropped to a lower octave, one side of his lips curving upwards.

“It’s a little different now, isn’t it?” he drawled softly, lashes lowering, eyebrows raising, his black hair darkening his gaze. “Since I am now capable to take care of you too.”

You whimpered, losing it.

Just started freely humping his leg, self-preservation completely gone. Did he even know what he was capable of, really? Did he have any idea what he could do? Surely not.

Surely, he had no idea how good he could make you feel.

Yoongi bit the side of his lip, frowning. “How will can I make it feel better? I’m only cop…” He trailed off, furry ears anxiously flicking.

You tugged on his arm, getting his attention. “Angle your leg a little more downwards… Y-Yeah, like that…” He did as you instructed, his thigh now pressing down on your clit and your rocking hips moving faster, clinging to his arm and setting your jaw, moaning at the added pleasure. “A-ah… yeah, fuck… yes, I c-can… like this…”

“You can what?” Yoongi breathed, watching your face closely, firmly holding the armrests of the chair so it wouldn’t slide.  

Your head tipped back a little, bucking harder into his thigh, so wet your juices were soaking through your leggings and drenching the pink silk, turning it darker, the strong scent of your sweet arousal clearly evident. Your eyes drifted to Yoongi’s dark orbs covered by black hair, vision hazy, noticing the slight inquisitive upturn of his upper lip. There was no point in hiding it anymore.

“Can cum, Yoongi, fuck, I’m going to cum…” you moaned, inhaling his scent, his presence, saying his name and looking up at him, the stimulation and touch of another enough to get you there, eyelids fluttering as your orgasm swept down, taking you away and filling you with serene satisfaction, crashing waves soaring through you, washing away the sand of your dry spell, a different kind of euphoria than when you were on your own, pulling Yoongi close, kissing him deeply, breathing hard.

“Y… Yoongi…”

“Was it nice?” he murmured. “Was I what you needed?”

“Yeah…” You kissed his soft lips again, semi-breathless. “I–” The wave of guilt came now, your words dropping, brows furrowing, a sharp pang in your chest. Rising, rising. Panic. Yoongi lowered his head, black hair and soft pointed ear rubbing against your eyebrow, nuzzling your cheek. Once. Twice. Again, headbutting you lightly, smoothing the worry away from your forehead, a small laugh bubbling from your throat.

“What are you doing?” you chuckled, patting his arm, smoothing out the wrinkles you had made while furiously humping him. Your eye caught the dark mark now on one of his thighs. Welp. You lasted less than ten minutes.

Pink pajama Yoongi was dangerous.

“You liked this,” he mumbled. “When you were upset.”

You chuckled, instinctively reaching up and caressing his velvety ear. “You were a little smaller then.”

“Only a little.”

He slowed until he came to a full stop, dark eye staring into yours, cheek to cheek.

“I have to look after you, my clumsy human.”

-

part iv

--

masterpost

[jean-kayak]

Chapter 16

Summary: A relaxing summer at home after your second year of college sounds nice, until someone comes back and makes it anything but

Pairing: Eren Jaeger x black!fem!reader

Warnings: implied mentions of sex, reader confused about her feelings (again), eren gazing at reader, (smut 18+!!), minor fingering, unprotected sex

Word Count: 2650

A/N: Haha, like one more chapter, and then angst will really come in :)

Tags: @iwascrybaby​, @styxtm​, @germinvasion​, @bigdaddyzawa​, @prxttyguardian​, @erensblackgirlfriend​, @kbbvbz​, @tomsadversary​, @kqtsukisgf, @pettyluxury​, @protectpancakes​​​

Chapter Summary: Should he let those words slip out?

You both came back from your mini-vacation right before Jean got back, and you thought the soreness would disappear even a little, but that wasn't the case, so when Jean came back, you tried to hide the limping, but it made it difficult whenever you would sit down, grimacing heavily. "Are you okay?" Jean asks with a slight laugh, and you return it with a nervous chuckle as you nod your head.

"Yeah, my parents were making me move stuff around the house," you respond, rubbing your thighs trying to relieve at least some of the tension as you turn your attention to your phone.

You hear Eren walk into the room, but you don't look up. "Jeez, Eren, you get scratched by a fucking cat?" Your eyes widen as your eyebrows raise to your hairline. You look up, your mouth dropping at the sight of Eren's back covered in angry, red marks.

You hear him chuckle as he walks into the kitchen. "Nah, man, I'm just that good."

You roll your eyes as Jean scoffs, and you glance at Jean but do a double-take. "What?" Jean asks, his face scrunching as you stare at him, and you squint your eyes before you stand, wincing when you do as you walk closer to him. "What is wrong with you?" he asks, leaning back against the couch as you get closer. You reach your hand out to move the collar of his shirt when he grabs your wrist.

You chuckle in disbelief as you try to fight your way out of his grip. "Get off of me!" Jean yells, and you find yourself laughing, not giving up until you're on top of him, and your eyes widen when you see that he has way more than one hickey.

"Holy shit!" you laugh. "What'd you get up to Jean?"

"Get the fuck off me," he groans, literally throwing you onto the floor.

"Ow. Damn," you grunt, but you sit up anyway as Jean looks anywhere but at you. "So, you lied? You didn't have something for school?"

"I did! But..."

"You slept with Marco," you add and he bristles making you chuckle.

"I didn't tell you who it was." You give him a dumb look before you scoff.

"And why didn't you tell me?" you press, and he raises an eyebrow at you.

"You didn't tell me about your guy." You nod as you tilt your head to the side.

"I guess that's fair," you say, briefly making eye contact with Eren who's walking back to his room. "But I basically did. And this is different, you've liked Marco for a long time."

"We had sex. There are you happy?" You shake your head as you hold your hands out.

"Well, I knew that. That was pretty obvious," you say, catching the pillow he throws at you. "You gotta give me more. What are you guys?" He groans as he puts his face into his hands. You move off the floor, moving to sit next to him on the couch. "You wanna milkshake?" you ask him quietly, and he lets out another groan as his head falls onto your shoulder.

"I don't know what I want," he whines, and you pat his face softly. "I don't even know what he wants."

"You'll never know until you ask, Jean," you tell him firmly, repeating something that you've constantly told him.

"But what if it ends badly?"

You shrug. "You don't go to the same school, so it shouldn't be that bad, right?" He sighs heavily again, and you roll your eyes. You grab your phone, and Jean can feel you typing against his face, and he looks up.

"What're you doing?" You don't answer as you shoot off the text before standing up and walking towards the door.

"Marco's gonna be here in ten minutes, and when he gets here, you're gonna talk about your feelings," you tell him, raising your eyebrows when his eyes widen as he makes his way over to you.

"Are you fucking crazy?!" You shrug as you rest your hands on your hips.

"So, I've been told multiple times," you reply sarcastically, and he gives you a wry look. "Jean, I promise you, it will not be that bad. You're the one always telling me to go after what I want, now it's my turn to encourage you."

You see his expression soften before patting his shoulders and shaking them lightly. "You got this. And if he doesn't let you down nicely, then I will gladly egg his car."

He chuckles quietly and you check your phone, turning around to open the front door. "You got five minutes," you start. "Let me know if the sex is as good as the first time," you add, and you slide out the door before he gets to you as you laugh loudly before walking the short distance to your house.

When you walk into your room, your eyes roll before you kick the door closed with your foot. "You know this is breaking and entering," you say, laying next to Eren on the bed, and he shrugs his shoulders.

"Only if I get caught," he counters, and you roll your eyes as you lay your upper half on top of him, putting your hand on his chest and putting your chin on top of it.

"What're you doing here?" you ask as he rubs up and down your back.

"I heard you talking to Jean, something about Marco?" You nod your head softly. "Figured I should give him the house to himself," he smirks which makes you chuckle softly. "You told him about me?" he brings up after a moment of silence, and you sigh as you tilt your head to the side.

"He had me cornered. I didn't know what else to do," you admit. "But I didn't mention that it was specifically you."

"What'd you tell him?"

"That you're the most annoying person I've ever met," and you move to the side with a soft giggle when he digs his fingers lightly into your side.

"What else?" You open your mouth slightly as you try to think of something else you could tell him besides the truth. The truth that you're not sure how you really feel, that you're scared that you're going to end up hurt again.

"Nothing," you say after a beat too long, and he raises his eyebrows.

"Scared to tell me something?"

"Are you scared to tell me something?" you counter quickly, and your face falls a little when you see his fall. You're about to question it, but he cuts you off by pulling you closer to him to kiss you.

He manages to set himself up against the headboard, pulling you with him, maneuvering you so that you're straddling his lap. Your hands make their way into his hair as his brush down your sides slowly and over your ass before they move back up, his hands going under your shirt.

And his intentions aren't even sexual, he just wants to be close to you, pulling you into him until there's no space left. If he could spend the rest of his life kissing you, he would. He pulls away suddenly, and you open your eyes, a confused look in them as he stares at you.

"What?" you ask, and he doesn't respond, only giving you a small smile, making you huff softly. "Is there something on my face?" He shakes his head, and he opens his mouth to say something but closes it, opting to kiss you soundly instead.

There's about two and a half weeks left until you're supposed to leave home and go back to college, but there's a weird feeling sitting in your stomach. You never told Eren that this was supposed to be a summer fling kind of thing, it was kind of assumed, but even if you did, you're not so sure that that's your thinking now.

You were already thrown for a loop when you find out that he was going to be home at the same time you were, and for the whole summer when you were so confident that it would be different. Being with Eren, even though there's no exact label of you two dating, was something that you always wondered about, but the moment where he truly stomped on your heart made you push all those memories away, thinking you had them buried deep and locked away inside your head.

You didn't know what to expect, but you should've known that those feelings for him from high school would come back and make everything complicated for you. You don't even want to try and guess if Eren could have feelings for you because that went so well for you the last time you were optimistic. So, you push through it, knowing that you'll never have to see him again after this summer.

But that also makes you feel weird. You spent almost every waking moment with Eren, and there's no way you'd just be able to walk away from it all and not have any repercussions. Sometimes you wished you were better at separating your feelings, and this especially was one of those times. Why couldn't you be like a lot of people and not get attached?

And it doesn't help that Eren is always next to you, being there when you wake up and when you go to sleep. Isn't this the time where you start to distance yourself so that it's a lot easier to get over it? You're not really sure, you've never done this before especially not with someone you have so much baggage with.

You're laying down on your side, your eyes closed, but you're going in and out of sleep, tired but not tired enough, your mind still racing. You sigh heavily before you open your eyes, and then they're meeting green ones. "Are you watching me sleep?" you ask with a frown, and he gives you a shrug. Even though the room is dark and the only light coming in is the moonlight, you can still see that stupid smirk on his face.

"Maybe."

"You're staring at me again," you note, noticing that he's been doing it a lot lately, but every time you ask him about it, he brushes you off.

"That's 'cause you're pretty," he whispers, and you roll your eyes as you try and fight the heat rising to your cheeks. "Guess what?"

You give him an unimpressed look. "You want to go somewhere." You shake your head when he smiles at you before he sits up to get dressed, you following suit.

~

You skip the ice cream this time, mostly because it's nearly three AM, and head straight for the clearing. You both had been back here at least a few more times, and you still can't get over the view. You don't even realize that you've become completely wrapped up in it until Eren's pulling you to the bed of his truck.

It's colder than usual, the only thing you're wearing is a thin t-shirt, his sweatshirt, and some shorts. He pulls you into his lap to straddle him before wrapping the two of you in one of the thicker blankets he brought.

He clenches his jaw as he grips your hips tightly. "Stop moving," he grits through his teeth, and you chuckle into his chest.

"Sorry," you say, even though you both know you're really not. You weren't moving on purpose, you were cold, but to say your intentions now changed wouldn't be a lie.

Your movements start to become more calculated, going from simple shifts to full-out grinding against him, and he grips your hips tighter before he roughly calls your name. You look up at him, feigning innocence, trying to hide your smile. "What's up?"

His eyes are dark, and you feel your thighs clench lightly around his just from the look in his eyes. Before you can say anything else, he's slamming his lips down on yours, making you moan in surprise, but you melt into it as his hands find their way to your ass, your arms wrapping around his neck.

He pulls you down onto him, and you roll your hips against his hardening erection, making both of you moan at the contact. You pull away from the kiss, both of you panting into each other's mouth as you roll your hips frantically against him. He moves his hands under your shirt, his cold skin making you shiver and causing goosebumps to break out on your skin as he thumbs at your nipples.

He starts marking at your neck, the blanket falling off of you, making you shudder again, but the cold doesn't bother you so much anymore because of how much you're starting to sweat. He moves to the juncture of your neck, sucking and pulling roughly at the skin there that makes you keen softly, your hand pulling at his hair.

He moves one hand from the assault on your nipple down to your shorts, wedging his way through the waistband, and you jolt forward when he instantly presses on your clit, making you release a low moan as your head falls to rest against his neck. He nudges your head back up, wanting to watch every twist and twitch of your face as he works your shorts down.

You quickly stand up to take your shorts off as he makes quick works of shoving his pants down his thighs, his dick standing straight up as you lower yourself, lining yourself up. He lightly grips your hips as you dig your nails into his shoulder as you sink down onto him, your mouth falling open at the sudden stretch.

He groans as he goes from watching your face to watching you sink down on him. He tries to wait for you to adjust once you sink all the way, but he can't help but buck up into you at how snug your walls feel around him. You don't have to tell him twice to move, grabbing your hips and fucking up into you, your body going limp almost immediately when he finds that spot inside of you that has you gasping for air.

"God, Eren," you breathe, and you don't even register that your world is spinning until you feel the dulled cold of the truck bed underneath you. Eren's on top of you now, his hands grabbing yours, lacing your fingers together, and bringing them to rest above your head.

"Fuck," he whispers, his voice strangled as he starts moving again, his body slapping against yours at an adamant pace that has you arching your back as you see stars. "God, Y/N, I--" He cuts himself off, leaning down to kiss you but it doesn't last long, both of you so close to having that knot snap as your breathing picks up.

Those words are right on the tip of Eren's tongue, he's so close to letting them slip out, and he's trying his hardest not to let them slip. He moves his head down, resting it in the crook of your neck hoping that he can't prevent himself from potentially ruining everything, but it's getting harder to think straight with how you're clamping around him.

"Close, Eren," you gasp, and he releases a stuttering breath as he squeezes his eyes shut.

"Me, too, baby, fuck," he whines, and it only takes a few more aimed thrusts for both of you to cum together, both of you tensing before you relax, Eren falling on top of you. He rolls the both of you over, keeping himself inside of you as he grabs another blanket to drape it over you both. And until he falls asleep, he holds you like you're going to slip away from him any second.

|Chapter 15|Masterlist|Chapter 17|

[incorrectlumityquotes]

FULL REVIEWS: “Wing It Like Witches”

Damn, that last episode was something. It was so much of something that the hype for this episode didn’t come until after they released a screenshot of Amity in the grudgby uniform. Everyone predicted that this was the episode that had Amity join The Owl House squad and...they were right. 

The Lumity Trilogy ends with a sports balls game.

The cold open starts with Boscha of all people. 

It’s grudgby season again and all I can think of is “Wow how lucky is Luz to enroll in Hexside during the semester where shit happens.” Is the first semester the boring one with no holidays and/or events?

Anyway, I grew up in South Texas where high school football was treated like the biggest deal. I get why Boscha is being treated the way she is, and so does she.

Boscha goes to school expecting a hero’s welcome, but gets pissed when the attention is given to Willow.

Willow tells Luz that ever since she patched things up with Amity, she’s been feeling more confident. That’s really good character development. Without her resentment toward Amity (who was her oldest friend), Willow feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. All that hate and sadness was bringing her down, but without it, she’s free to blossom. 

I don’t mean to quote Penn & Teller but, “And then there’s this asshole.”

Boscha is so not okay with Willow being happy with herself and just picks on her harder. Especially since it’s grudgby season and she knows she can get away with it. 

Amity tells her to grow the fuck up, and Boscha lets it slip that ever since grom Amity has been “getting soft.” This does fucking nothing since Boscha literally spends all day following Willow and friends all day picking on them like crazy. Like damn bitch, don’t you have anything else do do? Don’t you have any life outside of Willow’s?

People ask why I don’t ship Willow and Boscha and this is why. I get enemies to lovers. I get the bully becoming the love interest. Hell, it’s happening with Amity right now. But this is too needlessly cruel for my taste. There’s not way the Defeat Equals Friendship trope is going to work here. Not for me. But hope comes in the form of a useless lesbian.

Amity literally gay panics after getting ‘nam flashbacks of dancing with the girl she likes in the moonlight. Luz asks Amity for help about Boscha, and based on Amity’s answer, I don’t think Amity has ever liked Boscha. She agrees that Boscha is difficult to tolerate. It’s even worse during grudgby season because it becomes all the thinks about. Luz gets the wrong idea from that.

After literally pelting Willow with garbage, Luz challenges Boscha to a grudgby match for Willow. Again Luz’s character flaw of overstepping her bounds comes back. She never even considers what Willow might want or the fact that Willow has never even played grudgby before in her life. And that’s when another of Luz’s character flaws comes back hard. This time it’s Luz expecting life to play out like a story, or more specifically, a sports movie.

Holy crap. Is that the thorn-vault? I’ve never noticed that before.

Luz thinks that if they just try really hard they’ll beat someone who has been excelling at the sport for years. No. That’s not how life works, sweetie. I’m starting to think that maybe Luz’s mom was on to something sending her to camp.

Luz manages to convince Willow and Gus to be on board, but Amity...

She’ll be in her bunk.

Meanwhile in the B-plot (that should be my t-shirt by now), Eda is talking about her time when she was star player of her grudgby team when Lilith makes an unexpected appearance to arrest Eda. Lilith notices that Eda is wearing her old ass grudgby uniform and Eda’s response made me laugh.

“No reason. It’s laundry day.”

Lilith gives Eda a quick reality check to remind her that while Eda was good...

Lilith was better.

This photo really confused me and took me a while to realize that that was Eda and Lilith. Lilith gave herself a serious make over after school. Straightened her hair, darkened it, got ride of the glasses. I didn’t even recognize her. 

Since we all got grudgby on the brain, Eda makes a bet. She’ll go with Lilith to The Emperor peacefully if she can beat her in a game of grudgby. Luz is always pulling stuff like this and it works out for her, so why not? Speaking of which.

Willow and Gus teach Luz about grudgby. Luz teaches Willow and Gus about montages and it does not go well at all. The grudgby, I mean. The montage was great. 

In fact it’s so bad that Willow confronts Luz about the thing I was just talking about earlier. You can’t just shonen hero through all your problems. Willow and Gus give up and just leave.

I hate comparing shows because I believe they should stand on their own, but this really does remind me of when Lotte got mad at Akko in Little Witch Academia: The Enchanted Parade. Being innocently insensitive plus expecting life to play out like a movie is not a good combo. 

Luz and Amity have a heart to heart. Luz’s character flaws do come from a place love. Willow is one of the best friend’s she’s ever had and it hurts to watch her get picked on. She’s not trying to make things worse but growing up on a diet of movies and cartoons, this is the only thing she can think of.

Amity reveals that she actually used to be a jock. No joke. She was the captain of the grudgby team before Boscha. But Amity decided to make the game all about her and her teammates got hurt. So felt so bad that she never played again. Amity is rough around the edges, but deep down she’s always cared about people.

Another gay panic later, and Luz gets the right idea this time. Luz forfeits the game and agrees to take all of Willow’s punishment so that Boscha will stop picking on her.

Bitch, works for me! Think fast!

Amity senses the obvious and immediate danger and goes for help. She reminds Willow and Gus that Luz always has good intentions and needs help because that’s what friends do.

This isn’t about “friendship” is it?

Gus and Willow show up to save Luz but you need three on a team. And in true sports movie fashion, the hero arrives in the eleventh hour to save the team. I.E. the only player who is actually good at the game gives the good guys a chance to win.

Let’s get it on!

It’s game on and for a bunch of nerds the game is actually pretty competitive. It’s a magic sport, so Willow focuses on the magic while Amity focuses on the sport. Luz being Luz, even congratulates the other players when they score. Luz discovers every RPG players favorite spell, fire. 

It looks like our heroes pull off the victory in true sports movie fashion when this happens.

I stand by what I said last time. Someone on The Owl House thinks Harry Potter is really fucking stupid. Boscha catches the rusty smidge which means she automatically wins and Luz let’s out two decades of Harry Potter frustration.

But she has a point. If the golden snitch gives your team 150 points and ends the game then the only way to play would be to play defensively and focus all your efforts on finding the snitch. It means there’s literally only one decent way to play the game if you want to win.

“That just invalidates all our efforts! If catching that thing is so important, why do anything else!? There’s no reason to watch any of the other players! THAT’S SUCH A STUPID RULE!”

You tell them, Luz.

But in a twist that everyone saw coming, all the other players (Skara, Cat, Amelie) all had so much fun playing that they invite Willow to join the team. Willow politely declines because Boscha.

But we can’t have Amity help with the season finale so she hurt her leg. Amity panics at the thought of Luz carrying her, so of course Luz picks her up.

“Oh. Wow. Sports.”

Speaking of sports.

It’s game on at The Owl House and Lilith and Eda have a one on one match that’s really close. Eda decides to cheat her way to victory until.

Dammit, Luz!

Eda wins and Lilith vows to return.

The episode ends with Amity joining the fam at The Owl House.

FINAL SCORE: 5 - LOVED IT!

This episode was the best of fun episodes combined with the development of Amity episodes and you get probably my favorite episode. This was so fun and touched on most of the major characters. Even the B-plot is important because now Lilith knows the location of The Owl House. The jokes were funny. It was cute. Just everything.

The Lumity Trilogy ends on a high note. Amity is officially crushing hard on Luz. 

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

[talyas-train-blog]

Can you please make some dating headcanons for the Star Tugs, please? (You can do the Z-Stacks later if you want to)

*screaming* IM BACK

I've been working on this for like 2 months, it sat in my drafts box for about a month and a half with just TenCents' and then Big mac was added like a month ago LMAO

Why not make it an even longer post?👀

Star Tugs, Z-Stacks character relationship headcanons

Sorry about the massive post ya'll hope you enjoy

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Star Tugs

Tencents

General

Very loving throughout the whe relationship but can be very hardheaded/stubborn.

Will bring you flowers when ever he can or leaves notes on your door/office.

Loves to cuddle and watch movies at night.

Favorite dates are sitting at the end of the doc and talking with you.

Beginning of relationship

Thought that you would never like him or want to date him so be kind of acted cruel when feelings arose.

And then something happened

You were pushed off one of the tugs once and without thinking TenCents dove into the frigid water after you and pulled you out.

He held you in his arms until medical personnel could show up and he broke down when you left in an ambulance.

He showed up to the hospital the next day with flowers and when he saw the tubes and wires he cried

Throughout your stay he cringed a little as tubes and such were taken out.

He stayed by your side and held your hand until you woke up and kissed you the minute he could.

He told you how much he loved you and how he felt so bad for being such an ass and he ended up spending the night curled up in your hospital bed with you.

Oj and Hercules still have the photos

Big Mac

General

Veey sweet man

Loves to tease you though so be prepared.

Will give you kisses on the cheek as a way to show love or as a goodbye if he's in a rush.

Kind of protective, specifically when it comes to the Z stacks.

Beginning of relationship

You never expected him to have feelings for you. Not because he does what TenCents does, but because he shows his love in ways that you really have to look for.

You work with him? He'll help you and work with you whenever he can.

You live with the fleet? Will try and help you with meals or cleaning or just keep you company.

He vents to you a lot and thats another way you can tell you've learned his trust.

When he asks you out it's more or less a "would you like to see a movie together?" Or something along the lines of that.

Your first "date" was very sweet and he did did his best to spoil you and make you feel comfortable.

The first time he said i love you, you bith looked at eachother stunned and then smiled

10/10 amazing man.

Otis Jones (O.J)

General

Very sweet and traditional lover.

Will compliment everything, your eyes, your smile, your laugh, you hands, anything he can compliment he will atleast twice.

Is traditional in the sense that you aren't officially dating until he takes you out a few times

Holds your hands and give you kisses on your knuckles whenever

He also does this little thing that if your hands are scuffed or dried he'll put lotion on them for you.

Beginning of relationship

Very upfront with his feelings as he knows that keeping them hidden can only hurt your relationship with eachother.

Very politely asks you while making dinner or cleaning the dishes with you.

Doesn't want to tell anyone until your officially together and comfortable with it.

As i said before he wants to take you out and test the waters a few times to see how you feel about dating.

Brings you daisies and always holds your hand when showing you something.

Top Hat

General

Shows his love through buying gifts and surprisingly, dancing!

Is like Otis in the sense that he wants to take you out a few times before being official.

Little side note, your first kiss was on the stern of his boat as the sun went down to the song You Send Me by Sam Cooke during a party.

Beginning of Relationship

Grampus and Billy were the first to find out and Tophat was slightly pissed.

His love language is very much physical touch and buying gifts so things like slow dancing, soft touches, and new jewelry.

Kind of rubs that whole thing in Hercules' face

Doesn't want kids but very much loves yours if you have them or your nieces and nephews.

If you have siblings he will definitely have a drink with them and have long conversations with them so long as they are smart and can be sarcastic.

You have a promise ring with it, it's a thing for if he ever has to go out to sea you know he's with you.

Plans on marrying you as you are the only person he's been very attached to.

Warrior

General

Very much a himbo but he loves you so much.

Fell very hard very very quick and Big Mac kimd of teased him for it but definitely cheered him on.

Very very in love with you and was the first to say I love you.

Beginning of relationship

Isn't good at dancing or with his words so he told you he loved you by writing it out in a letter.

Walks down the docks while you take about your day and how you're feeling are his favorite "dates".

Loves to hear you laugh so very much, it never fails to make him smile.

Will give you kisses randomly and that's how the rest of the fleet found out.

He had a job with SunShine and as a way to say good bye he ran up to you, grabbed you, and kissed you and ran.

50/10 very loving and genuine man.

Hercules (my most developed character LMAO)

General

O h t h i s m a n i s a f l i r t .

Lives to make you flush.

Gave you a necklace with a photo of him and TenCents in it (TC is basically his son).

Gave you little hints that he was smitten with you right off the bat.

Wasn't afraid to ask you to dinner but you weren't official as he wanted to test the water bc past relationships went to hell.

Everyone knew he had actual feelings for you, he was sweeter on you and seemed to trust you more, and smile at you more than the others and is always more goofy around you.

Beginning of relationship

Took you to a bar to go dancing and the song Sh-Boom - Life Could Be A Dream came on and when he dipped you at the end of the song he kissed you and held you close as the next song came on, foreheads pressed together.

Definitely sleeps with you in his arms every night and his two cats sleep with you. (TenCents and Sunshine have konked out with guys a few times.

Dates where you lay out a blanket in a field and read or look at the stars are very common (he does this thing when if you're on your stomach reading he'll lay his head on your thighs or ass)

Again, lives to make you blush and he'll do basically anything to make you turn as red as TenCents' Scarf.

Loves to dance and sing.

Dusk is sometimes spent dancing on his boat.

Loves to dance to hound dog with you

Sunshine

General

Relatively mature lover.

Very gentle and sweet on you and loves to make you laugh and smile.

Could be covered in grease or dust after work and would still bring you flowers or a sea shell he found if he got the chance.

"Oh boy, here comes lover boy Sunshine!" -tophat

Big mac definitely soothed him into telling you about his feelings.

Beginning of relationship

Very nervous to tell you and stuttered a little when talking to you.

Grabbed your hand by accident one day and thats when you turned to him and told him you had feelings for him.

Poor man almost passed put and fell into the water out of pire relief.

Nights spent watching movies or sitting on the beach talking about dumb things together are his favorite ways to spend time with you.

Z-stacks

Zorran

General

Oh god you never thought he had feelings for you.

He was a complete asshole and seemed to live pissing you off.

So when he asked you out you were stunned and almost turned him down, but decided you would give it a shot.

Very difficult man, but he was a lot softer on you after a little while.

Beginning of relationship

This relationship definitely started by you snapping at him over something hime dod and him leaning down to your face and saying something like "well aren't you a cutie"

You just about smacked him and then it settled in that he was basically flirting with you.

First date consisted of a walk down the streets of San Francisco (yes this au is in SF CA bite me.)

He took you into a shop and pointed out a cat stuffie that you said looked like one you had when you were little and he bought it for you with a red bow on it a few days later.

His love language is definitely gifts.

Zebedee (my love)

General

Absolutely lover man

Basically the Hercules of the Z-stacks just a little harder to read.

Has a son. His name is Zip. You are a parent now.

Zebedee was brought up in a weird house hold so he works very hard to make sure you are comfortable and he doesnt make the relationship miserable.

Beginning of relationship

Was quite open about the whole thing and surprisingly practically cussed out Zorran when he started with his shit.

Very much a sweetheart and would do anything with you if he could.

Zak

General

Dickwad. Doesn't know how to show his love for you, but it's there.

Shows his love by being protective and always being aroune basically.

Very rarely actually smiles but when he does cherish the fucking moment.

Beginning of relationship

"Sir wtf everyone thinks you hate them" kind of vibe.

Thought he just wanted to get to know you but now you're a week into the relationship and holy fuck i want to get married.

Wants to hold your hand most of the time and just hear your voice.

Zug

General

Little bit of an asshole but tries his best

Buys you little things like journals if you like to write or seeds if you have a garden.

Wears ties and always has you pick them out and if you aren't around he wears the one with your favorite flowers or colors on it.

Beginning of relationship

Teases you and acts like a big man when you first get together but then he realizes how much he loves you and becomes a big softy.

Loves to cuddle randomly and Zorran is a little piss baby about it

Loves everything about you, especially your eyes and he always makes it known.

Zip

General

Kind of a ditz but you have to love him for it.

He was a stuttering mess when he told you he had caught feelings and held out a single sunflower for you to take.

Loves to lay his hedon your lap as you play with his hair and talk or watch a movie.

Likes to write stories, a lot of them involve you, and he reads them to you! He's a very good writer and so many of his characters are really well developed and beautifully designed.

He has a little brother named Zacary (Xacary?) and his brother often helps Zip set dates and such up

Beginning of relationship

I have a little headcanon that Zip might have partial autism but he has ADHD and he was abused as a kid so the relationship is a little rough for him at first.

Adjusting to the whole thing of hey they love me, i love them, i can trust them.

But as he warms up he helps more, and dances with you more, and begins to really thrive in the relationship.

Is definitely in love with you even if he forgets to tell you some days.

He's trying his hardest, give him a little time

Zorran definitely had feelings for you qnd was pissy when you fell for Zip and Zip fell for you

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Gonna add Boomer, Lillie, Billy, Grampus, and Cappy on later in a reblog.

[romanianwilkinson]

EVEN MORE DISCORD SERVER SENTENCE STARTERS

A collection of quotes from my Discord server with friends. Feel free to change pronouns/wording as desired. CONTENT WARNING(S) FOR: Suggestive, crude, violence, gore, absolutely cursed. [ PART 1 ] [ PART 2 ]

“ Murder is therapeutic! ”

“ IT’S CALLED BEING AWESOME AND FUCKING POWERFUL AND I’M DOING IT. ”

“ I've given them an 8ft tall juice box. ” “ It's full of bone juice! ” “ NOT THAT KIND OF BONE JUICE!! ”

“ I KNOW BUT [NAME]’S FAT ASS IS MAKING ME ACT FUNNY. ”

“ [NAME]... You burp like dads sneeze. ”

“ Catboy twink shortage. ”

“ I'M NOT LETTING THE GOVERNMENT TAKE AWAY MY CATGIRLS! ”

“ Has the government already taken catboys? ”

“ Why does it always come back to the catpeople here? ”

“ The government outlaws catboys and confiscates the catgirls. ”

“ It's always either cat people, tearing down the government, or tiddies. ”

“ [NAME], that’s cannibalism, you can’t do that. ”

“ You can’t eat gods without toebeans. ”

“ HELL YEAH, SHE’S CONFIRMED FOR NOT JESUS! ”

“ You're telling me, that someone's been holding out retractable titties on us?! ”

“ WHY DO YOU WANT TO BANG BUTCH HARTMAN?! ”

“ Do the drums, but sexy. ”

“ She is attractive because she is the Devil. This is what we have learned from Catholicism. ”

“ WHAT ELSE ARE TIRES, OTHER THAN CAR BEANS!!!!!! ”

“ She is a Snacc, so you hold her securely like one. ”

“ Holy cake, call that communion bread. ”

“ It's a skeleton, I don't think it has a gender. ”

“ You’re straight, you’re not majestic. ”

“ INDEED. I HAVE HOOVES. ”

“ How to Give Your Enemies Trauma 101. ”

“ Quiet, we’re approaching the therapist paddock. ”

“ Jesus has breached containment. ”

“ I really am cursed with knowledge of forbidden snacks. ”

“ Hey pog, are ya champ? ”

“ You ever look at a sheep? There's something messed up about sheep. ”

“ I can’t be convinced the art of charcuterie boards is not something inherently fae in nature. ”

“ THEY MUST FUSE FOR THE ULTIMATE CHICKEN TENDIE. ”

“ We shall absorb the folly of man, grow and expand those snacks until they become a really big tendie. ”

“ GOD I FORGOT HOW PLANTS SMELL PLEASE BURY ME IN THE DIRT I AM LIVING!!!!!!!!!! ”

“ Size of a cow, the speed of a cheetah. ”

“ NEWS OUTLETS NEED TO STOP ASKING UNINVITED PEOPLE TO COME TO MY HOUSE. ”

“ This is what plays in my head when I'm Head Empty No Thoughts. ”

“ ... Okay. Exception made, but only specifically for roasting those overrated turkeys. ”

“ THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE DAY I'VE AWAITED FOR. ”

“ THE APOTHEOSIS IS UPON US! ”

“ The wives that stay together commit war crimes together. ”

“ They tell time, they tell temperature, isn’t there anything a cat can’t tell you! ”

“ THE SHRIMP ARE FIGHTINGGGG. ”

“ Today is the day he officially babied for the first time. ”

“ I HAVE COME TO PROTECT MY WIFE. ”

“ Oops I've accidentally created a murderer. ”

“ You're all dying??? Can't relate. ”

“ Sometimes all you need to make a friend, is to devour their corpse. ”

“ I mean I was talking about her big mommy milkers, but I also wanted to leave my words up to interpretation. ”

“ If your coven gathering doesn't include some dick jokes, what's the actual point? ”

“ I’m legally not allowed to kill, or have anyone die for me. ”

“ YOU CANNOT CLEAVER YOUR WAY OUT OF DOUBLE STANDARDS! ”

“ Get back here!!! We've got a BURGEONING FRIENDSHIP now, so that means you also get the aggressive self care spiel! ”

“ To no one's surprise, it was indeed, more gay shit. ”

“ [NAME] absolutely could become Sonic the Hedgehog if he had the means, and thus must never be allowed to do so. ”

“ THE WRITERS HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH FUN WITH THIS SEASON - GIVE ME A BREAK. ”

“ I want to get into a gunfight on top of an elephant. ”

“ You know you want to get into an elephant-based gunfight! ”

“ If only [NAME] had the attention span to assist in scientific exploits instead of just like. Punching people. ”

“ Which god is the one punching my death member's club card? I wanna make sure I get that free sundae after 7 punches. ”

“ EVERYONE WILL APPRECIATE THE WALL BC ITS A GOOD DAMN WALL. ”

“ PLEASE GIVE US THE REVERSE MONSTERFUCKING WE ALL DESIRE. ”

“ Okay, I know you're right, let me have my dignity. ”

“ She can have a little licky. A little taste. As a treat. ”

“ I MEAN THERE WAS TONGUE. JUST NOT. IN THE WAY YOU'D THINK. ”

“ When will I get devoted worshippers? ”

“ I mean, they COULD, but then we wouldn't have Delicious Fanfiction Tropes. ”

“ Which level is Dante Alighieri in? I wanna punch him in the schnozz. ”

“ Gender? Never met 'em. ”

“ Wasabioli wasabioli give me the formuoli. ”

“ Don't ‘de-flesh’ my bones. ”

“ Would it be better if I fleshed your bones then? ” “ Yes. Give me more of that good bone flesh. ”

“ I inject you with more of the bone juice. ”

“ WHY ARE THE GODZILLA PEOPLE STALKING ME? ”

“ BECOME ONE WITH THE WORMS. ”

“ Oh, I'm a self-made sauce type. ”

“ Stop using chairs in unstable ways! ”

“ I’m travel size for convenience, and that convenience is crimes. ”

“ The mountains are proud and dependable, unlike us airsick lowlanders. ”

“ THE MOUNTAINS ARE GASLIGHTING YOU. ”

“ WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YUNS? ”

“ Ny’all is the one true contraction. ”

“ Y'all are both cursed to me. I've never heard nor read these words in my life. ”

“ Not the false prophets again. ”

“ The thigh is blessed. ”

“ I've seen him at practice, and I can assure you he has an ass. ”

“ I will put anything and everything I want onto my pizza as I please, including you. ”

“ Bone apple tea. ”

“ I progressed the regress. ”

“ Cult of the new moon gender! ”

“ I wish to be a unit of measurement. ”

“ Wh... How many hands does [NAME] HAVE?? ”

“ Which has absolutely nothing to do with Mothman. ”

“ That’s right: the robot wife was me all along! ”

[fictionplumis]

A Lambert/Aiden Thing

Okay, bear with me here, this might be long. And maybe at one point I'm gonna try to RP this but unfortunately there's no one on the Lambert/Aiden RP tags on the site I use. So I'm just gonna put this here for now. And if anyone wants to, oh I don't know, write a fic or whatever based on this, PLEASE link me 'cause I wanna read it but anyway. 

Set after the Wild Hunt, one of those rare AUs where Aiden genuinely did not survive.

While traveling together as super cool witchers, Geralt ends up telling Ciri all about helping Lambert get revenge for his Cat friend, right? 

Time passes, and Ciri starts trying to really solidify her control with her ability. Geralt ends up spending more and more time at Corvo Bianco and Ciri is out on the Path, but every so often a girl needs a break, y'know? So sometimes she'll disappear for a couple days, maybe a few weeks, just off in another world. It's a good way to practice. 

In one world, she ends up running into this man named Aiden. (This world being our world. Not a modern Continent thing, not some point in the future, I mean OUR world.) They talk, and he ends up mentioning his roommate Lambert, and the more he says about Lambert, the more it becomes obvious that it's LAMBERT. 

Now Ciri has absolutely no intention of doing anything about this. It's not her place, telling Lambert would be an AWFUL idea, and going to meet that world's version of her uncle just seems like a bad idea. But she is curious about what kind of man can inspire such a strong sense of friendship in Lambert, so she decides to pop into that world every so often, "accidentally" find Aiden, and just kind of get to know him a little bit. Plus it's another way to practice her abilities, not just pin-pointing and traveling to a specific world, but to where a specific person is. 

She does that on and off a few times, enough where her and Aiden are sort of acquaintances. 

Now in this world Aiden isn't a saint, okay? This boy pretty much grew up on the streets. He has a past that he's trying to get away from. He knows his way around a knife fight, has ample experience running from the cops, and has been through so much therapy. (I don’t get into detail here but any kind of modern Aiden I usually have some kind of neurotypical. Might be something as simple as ADHD, though I do love bipolar!Aiden and psychotic!Aiden as well. I’d imagine at this point he’s good at managing it, with the help of therapy and medication. Now the therapy wouldn’t be all that accessible with where this is going, but Ciri could help him make sure he has his medications. Hell, if wanted to have him keep things consistent with his therapy too, he could move down to appointments maybe once a month and Ciri could make sure he could get to them, the same way she helps attain other things later on in this snippet. I absolutely support positive and accurate depictions of mental illness, I’m not just using the terms bipolar or psychotic lightly.) And unfortunately his past ends up catching up with him. 

Ciri happens to get there just in time. Before Aiden can end up with a bullet in his eye, she's teleporting him to the first safe place that comes to her mind: Corvo Bianca.

Now poor Aiden has no fucking idea what happened. One second his old "friends" have him backed into a corner with a gun to his face and the next he's experiencing the worst motion sickness of his life and throwing up in a pot that smells like shit. He spends the next two days sleeping off some major jet lag and when he comes to, he had no fucking idea where he is. 

Then comes Geralt and Ciri having to awkwardly explain the whole witcher thing to him, the Continent in general, the time period, the fact that monsters and sorceresses and magic exists in this world, all that happy shit. And it's a lot to process. Before they can even get to the whole "do you want to go back to your world and handle the deal with people trying to kill you thing" Lambert shows up. 

At first Aiden doesn't even think, he's just like oh thank fuck a familiar face, I know you hate hugs but I think this can be forgiven because I've had the weirdest most stressful week of my life.

And then he's like, wait a second. Lambert is... Thicker. 

Like Lambert's always been a very physically active guy, he's a mechanic or whatever you want a modern day Lambert to do, but his shoulders weren't THAT broad before and under those spiky metal arm things are some impressive biceps. Also what are those spiky metal arm things? Lambert, what are you wearing? How the fuck did you get here? Holy shit your eyes--

He puts two and two together. Right, the name Geralt sounded familiar because Lambert's mentioned the name. That's his adopted brother. So if this Geralt is a witcher, then Lambert in this world is a witcher. And Lambert is also having a minor breakdown because, y'know, AIDEN. 

Let's just say Geralt warned him. Explained the whole situation and asked Lambert to come back to help with this, and Lambert was very torn because it's not HIS Aiden. It'll hurt too much, to see someone so much like Aiden but just slightly to the left. He knew it would. He just didn’t expect this Aiden to be SO MUCH like his Aiden. By this point Aiden has had to change his clothes into some of Geralt's trousers with a belt to hold them up and a loose tunic, but it's fucking him. 

They all talk a bit. Aiden pretty much admits that yeah, there are people after him. And they probably won't stop until he's dead. That's how gangs work, y'know? You can't really... Get out. He tried, he really fucking did, but even if it's not the ones that cornered him before, it'll be someone else. So yeah, Ciri saved his life and going back is probably not the best idea. 

Now I absolutely don't want to fuck over another world's Lambert just to make Continent!Lambert happy, so we're gonna say the two were really good friends. They were roommates, they were close, Lambert was pretty much Aiden's only friend, but they weren't lovers. Lambert was with a woman named Keira. A doctor. They were good for each other, y'know? When Lambert first started dating her, Aiden thought she was kind of a bitch but as time went on she kind of mellowed out. It wasn't that she became less full of herself, but more that she actually felt confident enough that she didn't feel the need to try to take on the world anymore. And Lambert's happy with her. So leaving Lambert behind in that world kind of sucks, yeah, but he'll be okay. And this Lambert is so similar that to Aiden, it doesn't feel like he's losing someone. 

Now we have Aiden getting to experience the Continent for the first time. Getting to experience witchers for the first time. 

Lambert. Sword fighting. 

And that's so fucking cool. Can you please teach me that?

Which of course has Lambert a little iffy, because this Aiden is human and no fucking away is he letting this Aiden anywhere near a monster, but Aiden is like, nah, relax, I just want to learn because sword fighting is really cool. Look, I'm really good with a knife, teach me some cool sword stuff. 

So Lambert gets to teach Aiden some cool sword stuff. And how to make bombs, which Aiden LOVES. And maybe some alchemy, too, because Aiden asks about the potions and Lambert is very adamant that he never drinks any but Aiden likes at least knowing how to make them. It's fascinating. You all fucking know you would love to make potions out of gross monster parts and herbs if you had the chance, don't even lie. Lambert even shows off some signs and Aiden is delighted. 

This eventually leads to one of those serious conversations about what it takes to become a witcher, and what all Lambert went through, and how people view witchers. And Aiden gets it, maybe not completely, but he gets the just of it. Because he knows about the other Lambert's past, and his shitty father, and all that stuff. And Aiden's brown, and people don't like that. And he's gay, and people don't like that either. Lambert's whole thing kind of reminds him of the X-men. 

And Lambert doesn't know what the fuck that is so Aiden explains comics and superheroes and the X-men to him. 

Because in his world they don't have witchers or magic, so they make up stories that have people like witchers, that have magic, and in those stories, those people sometimes face very similar prejudices. So to Aiden, Lambert is a lot like a superhero. 

And Lambert's like uh huh, no way, definitely not any kind of hero, that's pretty boy's job. 

To which Aiden responds, no, I definitely think you're a hero, even if you don't, so suck it up. 

And they probably kiss and stuff. 

Eventually Aiden gets restless and he's curious about the rest of the Continent, and he's tired of wearing Geralt's ill-fitting clothes because he's used to skinny jeans and shit so he gets Lambert to take him into Beauclaire for clothes. 

And Beauclaire is fucking beautiful, he loves it. 

The clothes are okay. Eventually he just asks Lambert what he used to wear and they go see the armorer instead. Aiden's not entirely sure about it, because Lambert looks like he's swallowed a mouthful of tacks when he sees Aiden in the Cat armor, even without the chest piece or the gauntlets, but Lambert assures him that he's fine. 

It just doesn't quite ease the restlessness. So the next time Ciri pops in, Aiden asks for her help and together they scheme. The next day, Aiden tells Lambert to go find something to entertain himself with for awhile because he needs to spend some quality time with his BFF. 

A few hours later they find Lambert sulking out in the vineyard, Aiden looking fine and fresh in a brand new pair of skinny jeans that show off his very nice ass, and some well-fitting combat boots that aren't nearly as durable as actual leather boots on the Continent but they have studs and buckles and look really cool.

Lambert is torn between thinking Aiden looks like a fucking idiot and thinking that he's never wanted to fuck Aiden more in his life.

Then Aiden drops the news that he also put together an outfit for Lambert because in his world, when you're interested in courting someone, the first thing you do is take them on a date. And he wants to take Lambert on the most stereotypical first date. What's that? Why the movies, of course! There's an X-men movie that just came out (I don't know which one, okay? I don't watch the X-men. You figure it out.) and he thought, maybe, he could show Lambert a little bit of the world he came from. They wouldn't be there for long, and they wouldn't be going to a theater anywhere near where Aiden's old gang would be. Nothing would be tied to Aiden's name, and he would be with Lambert, so he would be safe. 

It's a big change from the Continent. 

Lambert's never seen so many fucking people in his LIFE. Aiden had warned him about cars and technology and Lambert is pretty quick witted so while he's absolutely amazed, he manages to take it in stride pretty well. The thing that throws him off the most is when they go to buy popcorn and the girl at the counter goes, "Oh my god, I love your contacts! Where did you get them? They look so real!" 

Lambert doesn't know what the fuck contacts are, but Aiden steps in all smooth-like, "Fuck, Lamb, you've had those forever, haven't you? I think he got 'em off some cosplay site." 

Then he has to explain later that sometimes people put these little discs in their eye to help them see better or to change the color of their eyes for costume purposes. To which Lambert has the understandable reaction of, "Who in their right fucking mind would CHOOSE to do this to their fucking eyes?" 

Well, y'know, they can take contacts out whenever they want. It's a cosmetic thing. They don't know what you had to go through to get your eyes to look like that. You'll probably have some old conservative people eyeing you weird, thinking you're some Satanist or whatever, but most other people will just think it's a cool choice you made, to put those in to go to the movies.

The world is weird. Lambert can't decide if he likes it or hates it. 

He definitely likes the movie, though. And the popcorn. Probably finds the soda to be a little too sweet for his taste. There's still a lot of people, which makes him a bit on edge, but they came to the theater at an off time and not many people are actually in the room with them. They sit at the back and hold hands and Lambert decides he loves it. Ciri picks them up like a proud parent driving her kid and her kid's date home, only instead of driving she's teleporting and neither of them are her kids but whatever. 

But Aiden isn't done scheming. When they get back he tells Lambert to stay put and gets Ciri to take him back for one more little errand. 

A couple hours later they clang back into Corvo Bianco. CLANG back because each of them has a weird metal cart piled high with items and they're laughing their asses off. 

So you might be wondering, how did Ciri and Aiden afford clothes? They stole them. How did Aiden afford movie tickets and popcorn? He pick pocketed. Boy grew up on the streets. He knows how to steal wallets. And now they performed the greatest "run out the doors of Walmart with carts full of shit" EVER. Because as soon as they were out of sight, they teleported, no one the wiser. 

Aiden is thrilled with his non-purchases. Firstly, he has about a year's worth of toilet paper. he throws a package at Lambert, who's like, what the fuck is this. Toilet paper. What do you use it for? To wipe your ass after you shit, Lambert. Trust me. Once you use it, you'll never go back. It's a blessing, you'll thank me for it. There might not be indoor plumbing here, but god dammit, I want toilet paper.

He then hands Ciri two boxes of pads. Yeah, she was there shopping with him, but he just kind of dumped stuff in carts without explaining anything, and while Ciri knows what most of the things are, do you really think she's thought about how other worlds deal with menstruation? Because I menstruate, and the thought would genuinely not cross my mind. I would continue using whatever method I used back in my original world. So Aiden leans in to whisper what they are, because he's polite, and he becomes her favorite uncle just like that. And when Geralt and Lambert are like, uh, what? She tells them it's for menstruating and, "Oh, don't make that face at me, Geralt. I bleed, it happens."

Aiden admits that most of the other purchases are for Lambert, and when Lambert tires to protest Aiden makes it very clear that everything he bought is NORMAL in his world. Not even luxury, just NORMAL, so Lambert just needs to shut up and let Aiden make his life a little easier. 

First up, sunglasses. Because Lambert mentioned how painful it can be to take Cat and then step out into sunlight before the potion has run out. He tosses a pair at Lambert, who tries them on with a frown and is like, "Oh. Huh. Alright. These might actually be pretty useful." Aiden got himself a pair too. They match. There's also a tent. It folds up pretty small, but witchers travel, right? And Lambert mentioned how shit it is to camp in the rain, so here's a tent that’s better than the shit you can buy on the Continent. You lay out your bedroll in it, and you don't have to worry about bugs, and it helps protect you against the weather. It's small, but it looks kind of easy to put up, should be durable enough. 

And maybe just big enough for two, because Aiden isn't stupid. Eventually Lambert will need to take to the Path again, and Aiden wants to comes too. He wants to see the Continent. He can't help with the monsters, he knows, but maybe he can do something else to help them earn money. Who knows, right? This world isn't run by capitalism. He could make a living doing nearly anything. He can figure something out. 

He even got a water filter, and a couple filter replacements because witchers can probably drink any kind of stagnant water they want but he would rather not die of dysentery, thanks. And he got himself a sleeping bag. And he got Lambert a very, very soft fleece blanket just because he thought Lambert would like it. (He does.) Oh, also, Lambert, smell this soap. And this shampoo. Using a bar of soap has not done Aiden's hair any favors, he got actual fucking shampoo. The BIG bottle. And now Lambert has some nice pomade to use in his hair instead of bear fat. Won't make his hair greasy plus it smells better. Also there's bubble bath, just because. And beard oil for Lambert. Some moisturizer. Here, Lambert, put on some chap stick. Trust me, you'll love it. 

They set out on the Path and it's not always easy because Aiden worries CONSTANTLY. But Lambert is good at what he does. The few times they're ambushed, Lambert always keeps Aiden safe, because in this household everyone fucking survives. 

Aiden likes seeing Lambert in action. He swoons and calls Lambert his hero. 

There are some stunning places to visit on the Continent. Aiden's favorite are the elven ruins they sometimes come across. Only after Lambert deals with the wraiths, though. 

Aiden learns how to play Gwent. He's not that good at it. Aiden learns how to cheat at Gwent. He's VERY good at it. Lambert teaches him how to fish with bombs. Aiden is fucking delighted. 

Eventually he realizes how he can make money. He copywrites Disney. 

He's no bard. He can't sing or play an instrument. But he CAN tell stories, and no matter how much you hate Disney, there are probably a lot of Disney movies everyone can quote by heart, and they're either already time-period approved, or they can easily be adapted into something time period approved. Lambert comes back from a hunt to find the entire tavern listening to Aiden with rapt attention while he's in the front of the room putting on a one man performance of the whole, "I am Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die," while jumping back and forth to play each part. He's clearly having a blast with it, because who doesn't love telling other people every little detail about their favorite movie? 

As he's heading upstairs with Lambert, he just keeps raving about how he can't believe he actually made money with that. He hands Lambert a handful of coins, just like, "I don't know how much money this is, but look, it's money!"

Which probably leads to some conversation about capitalism and how easy it was in his world to feel insignificant, to feel like everything is pointless, and how much happier he is with Lambert. How it's even given him a new outlook on the world he came from. He doesn't want to go back, per se, but he doesn't want to completely leave either. He wants to show Lambert the best parts of it, to re-experience his world through Lambert, to really feel the amazement of it all the way he's supposed to, the way that's so easy to stop doing when you're actually living there. It's so easy to take it all for granted, but when you're showing it to someone who's experiencing it for the first time, you can really appreciate it all. 

So every winter they head back to Toussaint and Ciri takes them back long enough for them to do something FUN. They play laser tag. They rope Geralt, Eskel, and Ciri into doing an escape room with them. They go kayaking. They do one of those rope courses and zip-line things. They go to an amusement park. A water park. They walk around a nature trail. They go to a comic convention. (Lambert wears his armor and so many people want pictures with him. He's just sad Aiden wouldn't let him bring his swords, the kids would have fucking loved to see a sword.) They have so much fun. And Aiden stocks up on modern supplies for the year while he's there. Another year's worth of toilet paper, a new tent, another fuzzy blanket, a few pairs of sunglasses because Lambert always ends up breaking his, a nice backpack because Lambert really likes having a bunch of different pockets in his bag for organizing things.

And you know what? Give it ten years, Aiden's bordering on his forties, and he finds some way to make himself functionally immortal. Magic, fairies, a curse, a blessing, I don't know, I don't care. Their plan becomes to live until one of them dies of something--probably Lambert, because he's the one Aiden always has to patch up (he now always buys a very large, well stocked first-aid kit from his world too) what with fighting monsters and all, and the other will follow. It's morbid, sure, but it works for them. With the way things are going, neither of them thinks they'll need to do that anytime soon anyway.

Basically, they live happily ever after, okay? 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

[defilerwyrm]

For the ask meme: burning bright, anything about the parts at the table with the Nein. You write their banter so well!

FIC SPOILERS BELOW!

Burning Bright on AO3

The entire dinner scene hit me like a bolt of lightning while I was working on this fic. It started with Beau’s outburst, and then Veth’s willful denial and subsequent fit, and I built the two scenes around that.

Diving into particulars….

“Uhm,” he said, intelligently, but quickly recovered and flashed his friends a smile. “It is most impressive. Certainly a step up from a tiny hut.”

A direct reference to the name of the spell. Originally it was Leomund’s tiny hut. I have no clue why in 5e Wizards decided to 86 the attribution names on so many spells like Otiluke’s resilient sphere and Tasha’s hideous laughter. Things like that always made me curious about the (what I assume were) PCs the spells were named after. I had thought maybe it was because the characters who diegetically invented them were specific to one setting, but in that case I don’t know why Bigby’s hand is still Bigby’s but Evard’s black tentacles are no longer Evard’s. I don’t like it. As an aside, Widowgast’s Nascent Nein-Sided Tower is, mechanically speaking, Mordenkainen’s Magnificent Mansion. Anyway. Moving on!

It was delectable that Caleb wanted to impress him.

This boy hungry and not just for soup

Flustered, Essek tried to fend them off, but it was Caleb that did him in. It was always Caleb. The human took a large roll from his own plate, broke it in half, and offered one of these parts to Essek, who tried his best not to choke.

“You need to keep your strength up, ja?” Caleb implored him quietly.

The steady hand that accepted was a point of pride because it very much wanted to quake. The Kryn weren’t bread people, but...did he have any idea what this gesture would mean in Rosohna? Any inkling at all?

This is another one of those places where I delight in playing to cultural differences. What I’d had in mind for what that gesture—breaking food into two pieces and offering half to someone—WOULD mean in Rosohna was a bit nebulous, as I like to keep the reader guessing a bit and let their imagination fill in the blanks; but my rough idea was that it’s a courting gesture that signifies “I can and will provide for you, even if it means less for me.” An expression of selfless caregiving and an offer of partnership. Not wholly unlike a bird bringing food to a prospective mate.

And actually it’s a little bit funny coming from Caleb, who has fuck-all to his name but his name, when Essek is a rich bitch who answers directly to the Bright Queen.

Not that he was about to say it out loud, but he was a quick convert to this whole bread thing. To say that it won him over would be an understatement. That seemed to be a recurring theme here.

I imagine if I’d grown up never really eating bread and was introduced to it in adulthood I’d be like “Where have you BEEN all my life?!” But also: the bread is friendship, the bread is the Mighty Nein, the bread is communion in the spirit of sharing rather than politics and appearances and power plays—things he thought he was fine without until they were foisted upon him.

Somewhere in the course of the multiple conversations going on at one time, Jester got an Idea, as she was prone to doing. He became increasingly aware of her talking about kissing, of all things, and this culminated in her shouting above the din, cheeks flushed purple though he hadn’t seen her touch any wine: “I have an idea you guys! Why don’t we all go around and say how many people we’ve kissed?”

Jester is the most wonderfully convenient deus ex machina if you ever need to insert an awkward or embarrassing conversation among the Mighty Nein, because this is exactly the sort of shit she would do.

Jester leaped up and slammed her hands onto the table. “Caduceus you’ve never been kissed?! That’s so sad!”

The firbolg was unfazed. He merely shrugged and said, “It hasn’t come up and I haven’t gone looking. Not something I’ve ever thought about, really.”

Jester’s tail lashed back and forth behind her like an overstimulated cat. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

Fjord went a bit wild-eyed at this. Caduceus smiled gently and said, “No thank you.”

Three things about this part:

1) Jester’s tail doesn’t get NEARLY enough mention in fic! If I’m playing (or writing) a character with a tail you can be damn sure you’re gonna know what it’s doing! Makes me wanna play a tabaxi tbqh.

2) Cad’s “No thank you” is the sum total of his sexuality, lol. Jester was raised in a pretty highly sexualized setting, didn’t really get out much before she fled Nicodranas, and can be pretty naïve, so she doesn’t really get the whole aroace thing; but it never crosses Cad’s mind that this would be “abnormal“ or ”sad” in any way—it causes him no distress, as it shouldn’t. This is yet another “Same planet, different worlds” moment.

3) Fjord is physically restraining himself from yelling “JESTER WHAT THE FUCK” lmao

Veth kept picking at it. “So you’re um. You know. Into the fellas?”

Beau snorted. “I could’a told you that months ago.”

“Yeah you could’a!” Veth pouted with a self-conscious curl to her shoulders.

I saw a comment on Tiktok that said Veth was being borderline homophobic, but that wasn’t my intent! It’s just that she inherited a certain blind spot for male queerness from her player, and as hard as she’d been trying to encourage Caleb to hook back up with his female ex, it never occurred to her that he had a male ex, too—and given that they’ve been so close for so long, she’s feeling pretty self-conscious about the fact that she never figured out that Caleb is bisexual in all that time, as well as kind of upset that no one—Caleb especially—told her. She’s having a moment of “Why didn’t I know this? Did you think it was going to change things between us? Did I make you feel unsafe?” And also a little bit of “Okay well, now I have to get him to hook up with TWO people AT ONCE because my boy deserves threesomes 😤”

Jester went goggle-eyed at him. “You’ve only been with one person?” she exclaimed. “But you’re like a hundred years old! And very handsome. I would have thought you’d get like, all the ladies.”

Ladies. Right.

Veth might not be the only one with a certain blind spot.

Beau gave her a funny look, snorting. “I dunno, he seems like the kinda guy who turns down those offers left and right.”

..…But Beau’s got his number, for more than one reason. She’s got super gaydar, for one, and has him pegged as the type who’s very choosy about his partners (also mind you, this was before demi!Essek was canonized by WoG, so I was still rolling with my hc that Essek got around when he felt like it).

The uproar was instantaneous. Everyone—almost everyone—started talking or shouting at once. Beau’s voice rang out among the din with, “HOLY SHIT ESSEK FUCKS.” Strangely pleased with himself, he downed the rest of his wine in one gulp and spent the next few minutes fending off increasingly prying, personal questions until the Nein grew bored with his lack of answers and someone changed the subject.

There it is, the line that spawned two entire scenes!

He was not a war mage, but he was experienced and wily, and he was damned good at what he did, and as long as there was breath left in his body, the Mighty Nein would not fall here.

Joke’s on me, motherfucker literally has the War Caster feat -_-

But like in my defense, that’s just what it’s called in the book. The feat just means that you have either the training or experience to cast well during a fight, which I see as not necessarily the same thing as a war mage, which was my way of saying an arcane caster who is a soldier.

Veth stared at her blankly as if willing herself not to understand. “Caleb? With who?”

She breathed steadily. “...Essek. Caleb and Essek.”

Beside her, Jester squealed and brought her fists to her face.

Veth was less enthused. “WHAT.”

Beau’s mental commentary here is dead on. Veth still doesn’t really trust Essek at this point and has been pretty vocal about that…despite being the one to declare him part of the Mighty Nein? Eh, she’s allowed to have complicated feelings on the guy, all things considered. But I find it kind of comical and very Veth (and very Sam) for her to be all full of zest for trying to get Caleb back together with the frigging Volstrucker who is actively working for his abuser and worst enemy but balk at him hooking up with Essek.

Jester “explained” in a delighted yell: “Caleb and Essek are gonna fuuuuuuck!”

I don’t know, is this too unsubtle to call foreshadowing? The line flowed naturally in the dialogue, but it’s also letting the reader know exactly what they’re in for next, lol.

“...He’s going to break that little elf twink, you know,” Veth said, sounding distant. Seemed she was having some difficulty processing. Not too surprising, considering how adamant she was about wanting their wizard to hook back up with his old flame, the fucking Volstrucker. “We’ve all seen his dick.”

This was 100% taken from Sam’s little throwaway line “It’s above-average” but it turned out to serve two purposes other than reminding the reader that all of these people have seen Caleb naked:

1) It’s yet another thing Veth thinks she understands about him but doesn’t. Caleb’s a top like Dalmatians are purple and if you disagree then I respect your right to be incorrect ;)

2) That said, it is, in fact, foreshadowing for the sequel, in which Essek experiences a great deal of frustration. (I haven’t touched the damn thing in weeks, feels like; I’ve been too busy with work, being exhausted from work, and being in a tizzy about my upcoming surgery.)

Fjord blurted out, “I’ll join you.”

Poor Fjord has had such an uncomfortable night!

Hoo boy that was a lot. Thanks for the ask, this was really fun!! And sorry it took so long; I work Saturday nights and things got really busy for a bit there.

[dabidagoose]

What's your fave video game sountrack(s)? =^o

Ok that is a very loaded question so this is gonna be a long ass response, I hope you're prepared for what you've done.

(ok there's a tl;dr at the end if you want it sorry for this lmao)

FIRST POINT my immediate thought was the Ikenfell soundtrack (actually my immediate thought is I can't fuckin' choose they're all amazing but. then ikenfell). On the personal side, I was pretty much obsessed with the game for like three months straight, and i fuckin' love aivi and surasshu's music. I am also a simp for chiptune so jot that down. Moving past what may very well just be personal preference there are some incredibly interesting musical choices and impeccable choices story-wise that hit just. SO fuckin hard. Like emotionally. I won't elaborate on to the context and why the song works so well but the final battle theme is absolutely SPECTACULAR. (I could elaborate though so. ask if you will and i'll write another spiel on why it breaks my heart and soul). But also to reference a less-plot relevant piece I'm gonna bring up Alchemy is for Everyone. The squish bass sounds at the beginning are SUCH a fun environmental sound, it is really just NOT a sound I hear often which makes the track really stand out. And it fits SO perfectly for all the slimes and just. It's so WET. I love it. Makes me wanna wriggle. Which ok is probably also personal preference on reflection because my friend hates a wet song that I love but. Ok it's GOOD. Anyways continuing to the melody the fuckin PITCH bends. This is digital music at it's peak. We get the fun sounds. We get the fuckin pitch bends. Which are so fun because having slightly out of tune notes is such a fun feeling. It's a little off kilter, it's a little different. It's just SO funky and sounds so awesome to bend those pitches just a little bit, take full advantage of the medium and play around with it. Now I'm gonna talk a bit about why I love aivi & surasshu's music so much which. Ok so I believe(?) they coined the term "digital fusion" where you're mixing all these fun fresh digital sounds with real instruments/more traditional sounds and it can work SO fuckin well (for extra musical literature on this subject I'd like to suggest Yoann Turpin and specifically Chip Ship). Which we already get a taste of that where the pitch bends are playing on piano but it really kicks in when the violin takes over the melody and it's SUCH a graceful instrument in comparison to all this funky/awkward stuff we've had. The dichotomy is fuckin awesome. The violin is like a graceful victorian socialite ballroom dancing in after these pitch bends just pinned their arms to their sides and wiggled their hips around. We then get a third spacey instrument (I. have no idea what it is.) and it is. SUCH a switch. We have moved from awkward and stilted to almost too perfect and graceful (I forgot to write before but the high piano at the violin adds so much) to a moment of awe and discovery. We are now exploring the universe, the world of science and alchemy, and it is fantastic. The song almost seems to have it's own little narrative, and this is just a backing track for exploring one of the buildings!!!! This is within the first couple hours of gameplay, it is incredibly non-plot-relevant but SUCH a piece of art. I am absolutely in a slime ball watching amazing science happen so precisely and it is. so fuckin cool. And I could probably go off about every single other song, but in the interest of keeping away spoilers and finishing this post before 2 am, I will not. (Addendums because I can: this is less wet than the one my friend hates, and also this song is MOIST. I would also like to mention It's Showtime and Between the Lines as other song favorites but if I went into them I would never sleep.)

Okokokok. So. So SECOND point (I'm. so sorry.) I looked at my video game music soundtrack (I have two main soundtracks one for just every music but I didn't want to overwhelm it with VG music so I made one just for that that has ENTIRE soundtracks from almost every game I've played which. oops.) and I found two other contenders based mostly on I Really Liked The Games. The Oneshot soundtrack and the Night in the Woods soundtrack. Ok I'm gonna talk about Night in the Woods first cause HOLY shit. holy shit. The fucking astral songs. Those are fucking masterpieces. Such a simple ensemble but it creates such an INTENSE atmosphere. I really love instrumental music can you tell. I specifically want you listening to Astral Train for this one (played it for my senior recital and even though I had to play the violin part on clarinet I maintain it was one of the best choices I've ever made), but we the way the layers blend together is a fucking masterpiece. Since this song had to be designed so that any layer could play alone and each one could join in any order, each part of the quartet has to be interesting, but they still all must blend together and so they each get melody moments but the harmony/bass lines have to be interesting as well and. They ARE. This is such a hard task and it's accomplished SO. INCREDIBLY. WELL. (Side note: also makes for a good ensemble piece for, say, your and your friends' senior recitals, so everyone gets fun parts, a chance in the limelight, and a chance to rest, haha totally irrelevant note right there definitely no connection to my real life). With Astral Train we really get this cool ghostly train feel and through all the Astral pieces we REALLY feel the absolute intensity of Mae's dreams and the music creates such an immaculate vibe. It is unmatched. The rest of the soundtrack contains plenty of bops in a variety of genres too, where the bass songs have to be both playable and fun (Die Anywhere Else my beloved), and we get nostalgic and mischievous music fit for this ragtag team. This is the feeling I've had hanging out with my teenage friends at 10 PM in a parking lot. It is absolutely perfect for this video game. The music is SUCH a bop and really emotionally connects to me cause the game is such a bop of a plot. It is truly fantastic. (Addendum: Ok listening to Gregg rn and. Holy shit bop. I love him. I love this)

Ok now onto Oneshot, which, admittedly, does not have as strong a holding on the podium as these other two do, but curse me for having been emotionally destroyed by the video game because now I am emotionally attached to the music too. But, again, ATMOSPHERE. I am once again gonna be speaking in the interest of spoilers here, so I hope anyone who's finished the game will forgive what I'm not saying, but the entire landscape of this desolate planet is just SO much. The world is so simple and empty, and yet awe is often mixed with this feeling of despair. This is incredibly fitting for Niko, for the hopeful little pal they are, and creates an incredible effect. (I included specific song reccs for the last but I don't quite for this - so I'll just say now that I'm listening to On Little Cat Feet). The visuals are fairly simple, the map small, and just looking at the game the world feels incredibly small. But the music makes it all seem so vast. We really get put into Niko's shoes (or their little cat feet I suppose), and get to see this world for the vast, terrifying, but incredible place it is. The music makes you feel like that child seeing a new world for the first time, (this isn't spoilers past the first chapter but I'm warning you anyways) even though you are meant to be a god, you are still made to feel small and the world still large. The music does so much of this work, and it's incredible. Throughout the soundtrack the underlying angst, the despair, remains present, and the game has so much more impact for the music. No game is incomplete without it's music, and Nightmargin does a fantastic job creating this music for Oneshot. I haven't analyzed the actual music instruments/structure so much, but it's those instrumental sounds again tearing at my heart strings again. I would also like to recommend this game beyond the soundtrack, since it is an incredible story, with some puzzling gameplay, and it has made me feel how no other game has. It is a masterpiece of a game, and I implore everyone to play it through. Get hints if you need to, or play alone, just make it to the Ending. You'll know when you're there. (Addendum: I think I'm very repetitive here but I refuse to edit it so you have to live with this. Anyways gonna say it again: Play Oneshot!!)

Now I have chosen three game soundtracks that had a story that incredibly connected with me, and music to bolster that story and those emotions in incredibly meaningful ways. But there are so many others with great music, but that didn't necessarily connect on such an emotional level. Portal and Portal 2 have fantastic soundtracks, Celeste has beautiful music, Underhero has some funky and spectacular beats, Undertale and Deltarune are famously incredible (although I also did emotionally connect with them... but they're already talked about enough. Lancer beloved.), Clam Man is just. Fun., Oxenfree is also incredibly atmospheric and spectacular, Sewer Rave just has nice beats, and Minecraft is nostalgic as all hell. There are so many games to choose from, that from the moment I saw your question I knew I would be writing a far too long Tumblr post to answer you, because it feels an injustice to just answer one without reasoning, or without bringing to light all of the other amazing sounds I've discovered.

To finally answer your question, I think Ikenfell deserves the top spot in my heart. My instinct was right, there's fresh sounds, great musical structure (see: Between the Lines that I didn't elaborate on), incredibly emotional sounds, and fantastic storytelling within the soundtrack. But I love all of these other soundtracks, so I must bring them up. For they also have spots in my heart.

TL;DR - Ikenfell wins but I also love Oneshot and Night in the Woods and many others so I don't know what to say chief (lies i have too much to say)

[carriagelamp]

April l was apparently the month for me to revisit some children’s authors who are steeped in controversy at the moment. So here’s my hot (well, lukewarm) takes on issues that absolutely do not need a single other person talking about them. Also some actual good books that I read this month!

Badger in the Basement

The Animal Ark books are a childhood classic — though I recently found out that apparently there’s a difference between American and British publications, and the American versions didn’t include a lot of actual COOL animals which is… bizarre. As a Canadian stuck in the middle of this, this nonsense drives me nuts. This one was about the main character, the daughter of pair of vets, trying to protect a local badger sett from men wanting to participate in badger digging and baiting. These books are always feel-good, and it was a nice single-day-read while I waited for a library book to come in.

Chi’s Sweet Home

The cutest manga series about the misadventures of a little kitten, Chi, who has been adopted by a loving family. I’ve never bothered to read them in order, but apparently this time I stumbled across the last in the series -- whoops! Still, stood on it’s own pretty easily, and it was a fun read! Things get tense when the family realize that they may have found Chi’s original home… and may have to give up Chi forever.

Earth Before Us: Dinosaur Empire!

This was an odd graphic novel, I feel like I’m not sure who the target audience was exactly. It was a nonfiction comic done in a Magic School Bus style, with the purpose of teaching current, up-to-date facts about the animals that lived in the Mesozoic Era. If you’re into dinosaurs, you’ll probably enjoy this! The art is absolutely adorable, I love the dinosaur illustrations, and I learnt some really neat facts. That being said, the pages are really dense, and there’s a lot of info crammed in… some of it will probably go way over a child’s head without specific additional teaching or a very strong personal interest. But that being said, a dinosaur obsessed kid is still probably going to really dig this… as would a dinosaur obsessed adult. It wasn’t my cup of tea exactly but I’m sure it is someone’s.

assorted Dr Seuss Books

I love these types of controversies because it means getting to listen to every moron who has never had an opinion on Dr Seuss ever start generating a mile of them out of the aether. So many people are so mad about the six books that are getting retired and I bet most of them haven’t even read them. These are not the friggin Cat In The Hat or The Lorax or even the likes of Yertle The Turtle. I was raised by a grade one teacher, was a voracious reader who loved Dr Seuss, and wrote my university thesis on children’s literature, and I still only knew two of the six books on that list. So by all means, if you want to write an essay explaining why those specific books are worth clinging to, feel free, but if you haven’t even heard of them maybe it’s not a big deal. *grumble*

Anyway, my grousing aside, it gave me the urge to reread a bunch of Seuss books, including the two retiring books I personally knew: McElligot’s Pool and To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street. I do still enjoy both, especially McElligot’s Pool which always sparked my imagination, but it’s obvious why they’re being retired and I personally think it’s the right choice. There’s so much good kidlit out there, we can survive without these.

Goodbye, My Rose Garden

A f/f romance manga, fairly standard fair though cute if you’re looking for some historical angst, pretty dresses, and mutual pining. A young Japanese woman moves to England in the hopes of meeting a writer (Mr Frank) who she has long admired. Along the way she is employed by an enigmatic woman with plenty of money, rumours, and melancholy following her. I’ll be honest, uncut romance isn’t really my genre, but I’ll probably still try to the second book to see if the story picks up.

From The Holocaust to Hogan’s Heroes: The Autobiography of Robert Clary

It’s no secret that I’ve been on a Hogan’s Heroes kick. This is the autobiography of Roberty Clary, who plays my favourite character in the show, Louis Lebeau. And holy shit what a life this man has had. He was a Jew growing up in France before the start of the war, and who was one of many children taken away from his family and sent off to the concentration camps in Germany. This was an amazing, intense, inspiring, and heartbreaking read… it has Clary’s voice all over it, and it tells everything from the charming childhood he had, to the horrors of the concentration camps, the brutality of survival, and then about his exciting journey into the entertainment industry afterwards. It’s an experience, would recommend if you’re a fan of the show.

The Ickabog

The second controversial author I read this month. Originally I was going to give Rowling’s new book a miss, given everything that’s been going on over the past few years, but in the end my curiosity got the better of me. Politics aside, it was a fun read! Not groundbreaking, but enjoyable enough and written in an interesting style. It didn’t read the same as a lot of modern kidlit, it felt more like a cross between a classic fairytale and a Dahl book. Perhaps a bit like Despereaux. It tells the tale of how an idyllic country gradually falls into ruin through the ignorance, inaction, and greed, and how a supposedly fictional monster hides the very real, human monsters at the heart of the country. It was cute and pleasant and I’m glad I decided to get it from the library, though for anyone who is choosing not to engage for political reasons: you aren’t missing anything major.

Franklin In The Dark

A Canadian classic. I don’t think there’s a single person my age who hasn’t read or been read a pile of these books, and the nostalgia is so comforting. I found this on Youtube and listened to someone read it to me, and honestly 10/10 would recommend for a calm evening.

The big reason I decided to seek this one out though, was because I finally got to the M*A*S*H episode that inspired this entire series! In the episode C*A*V*E, in which Hawkeye is freaking out over his claustrophia while the camp is forced to take shelter in a nearby cave during some intense shelling, he mentions that if he had been born a turtle he would have been afraid of his own shell, and that the other turtles would make fun of him cause he’d be forced to walk around in his underwear. And so this first story about a young turtle who’s afraid to sleep in his own shell and drags it around behind him. So if you were ever curious, Franklin the Turtle is in fact named after Dr Benjamin Franklin Pierce. (this is also why the French version is named Benjamin!)

Wolves of the Beyond: Lone Wolf

I loved the Guardians of Ga’Hoole books as a kid but I never read the Wolves of the Beyond series. This first book was an interesting read, Lasky does a great job creating worlds and societies for the animals that inhabit them. Lone Wolf is about a deformed wolf cub who was abandoned in the wilderness to die. And he would have, if a desperate mother bear, who had recently had her only cub killed, hadn’t stumbled across him and saved him, vowing to raise him as her own...

Petals

A “silent” graphic novel. It has beautiful artwork and is told entirely through pictures, no text at all. It’s loves and heart-wrenching, though it left me feeling somewhat unsatisfied… I felt like there should have been more. Still, a neat story.

The Southern Book Club‘s Guide To Slaying Vampires

What a banger of a novel!! I can’t recommend this one enough. It’s about a group of suburban mothers in the ‘80s who form a book club out of a shared need for community and a love of grisly true crime novels. But when a strange drifter appears in town and starts setting down roots… and when children begin disappearing… these women need to band together to confront the horrors that have invaded their neighbourhood, and face down not only a terrifying monster among them but the patriarchal system that allows it to flourish. To quote the preface:

“Because vampires are the original serial killers, stripped of everything that makes us human — they have no friends, no family, no roots, no children. All they have is hunger. They eat and eat but they’re never full. With this book, I wanted to pit a man freed from all responsibilities but his appetites against women whose lives are shaped by their endless responsibilities. I wanted to pit Dracula against my mom.    As you’ll see, it’s not a fair fight.“

The Weirn Books: Be Wary of the Silent Woods

I love Chmakova’s graphic novels, though I’ve only ever read her slice-of-life middle grade series before. This one is pure fantasy and very fun. It’s about two cousin “weirns” — witches with demon familiars — who attend the local night school. Things get strange though when an ominous figure appears outside the old, abandoned school house deep in the Silent Woods, and begins tempting children down its path…

I’m very much looking forward to word of a second book and was honestly kind of surprised that I haven’t heard more about this book given how popular her other series is. This has all the same charm and quirks but for those of us who prefer stories based in fantasy rather than reality.

And A Bonus...

For some masochistic reason I got a Garfield book out of the library. Jeez, if I didn’t love these as a kid, I found them absolutely laugh out loud hilarious, and now I just don’t see it anymore. But here I will share the one strip in the book that actually made me laugh

[queensdivas]

Peonies Chapter 6

Finally getting to the good stuff because I have been waiting for these chapters!!! Like waiting for Chiara to get to this point and for the record. This chapter is very long. Freakin’ 15 pages on my google docs so just be ready for a long read. 

But!

+18 and older in this chapter!!! Smut alert (cause it’s spicy)!!!!!!! Once again +18 and older in this chapter!!! 

Other than that here we go!!! 

Next chapter 

Previous Chapter 

Masterlist 

HOLY FUCK FUCK FUCK!

GOD THIS IS FANTASTIC HOLY SHIT!

My fingers were yanking on his hair as I was riding him to oblivion! His nails dug into my back for the tempo to pick up even more. I could feel his teeth biting hard into my neck which made me squeeze even harder. I never thought that being bitten was such a wonderful feeling in my life! His teeth just clenching into my skin just made it so much better!

“Holy fuck Chiara!” He took in a huge breath of air as I pushed him down onto the ground.

“Scream my name!” I yelled as we were getting closer and closer to that sweet edge!

“GRIGOR AH FUCK!” My nails digging into his chest!

“Choke me.” I stopped to then looked directly into his eyes.

“Do you want me to say it in italian? Ti prego soffocami Chiara.” Holy hell. If that’s what he wants then who am to say no. Picking up my rhythm again as my hand reached down to his throat.

“That’s it...holy shit that’s it!” God I could feel him..Holy hell. My toes were curling from the pleasure as me choking him would fuck me harder! The way he’s moaning is just absolutely stunning and making it so much better! It’s so..fucking..beautiful! His moaning just sends shivers up and down my entire core!

Grigor's hands traveled up to squeeze my breast tightly for then his left hand to travel up to my neck. Oh god he’s going faster! Yes yes yes yes! I could see flowers blooming! Stars exploding before my eyes. I had to let go of my grip to collapse on his chest as he pounded into me.

God I want to stick my tongue down his throat fuck! Turning my head for me to start kissing the fuck out of him. Our tongues slithered around with one another till he basically took over for a few moments. Stopping the tangliging as he began diving into my neck to mark the shit out of me.

“Stick your tongue down my throat.” Pulling his head from my neck to start slamming my lips against him for our tongues to start twirling around with one another. God his tongue can make me come just from this Jesus. He stopped as the final penetration was arriving and it was so beautiful! Each thrust was hitting exactly where it needed to be!

“Grigor! Grigor..” My eyes rolled in the back of my head as we looked at one another. Just watching his facial expression change was just intoxicating!

“Cumming..CUMMING!” Grigors neck leaned back as I laughed since I’ve never seen him in such selief. After a moment he looked up to see that I..I..

“Did you not?” It cued for him as he pushed me onto the ground and got on top of me.

“I may not be able to finish you with my cock. But I know your pussy loves other things besides cock. Ride my face.” My entire body turned dark red for me to slide down and positioned myself on his face.

Dear...Ah...God...I can’t even describe on how. Ahhhhh. My hands began to touch my own breast for my head to lean back to almost fall backwards onto his body. His tongue was going round and round constantly.

My hand went down to start rubbing my own clit to make the sensation feel even more exquisite. Yes..YES! While my right hand was continuing on my clit my left hand began to pull his air. His two bare hands travelled up my sides to then give my ass a wonderful smack.

“Gri..Grigor..almost..almost..” He kept smacking which was the final push over the edge. A wave of electricity streaked through my body in the final moment. Yanking his hair as hard as I could for him to moan underneath my body.

This Russian coldness couldn’t even bother us at the moment from the large amount of body heat radiating off one another. Climbing off of him to then lay down on the cool grass. My chest was rising and falling as we both were staring up into the tree. The leaves are swaying in the wind that was allowing a cool breeze to rest on our naked bodies.

“Holy fuck.” I smiled as we turned our heads to face one another.

“I don’t think I’ve ever experienced something like that…” He commented as I smiled.

“Our love making would’ve been the type you would see in great halls. The greek gods I believed experienced something like that before.” Grigor sat up to grab a glass of water. He took a large sip then for me to sit up and take a sip after him.

“Tell me my dearest do you always enjoy..” Motioning to his neck as he sighed.

“The Emperor told me once that it helps make this more pleasurable. Guess that’s the only time that he’s been right because holy fuck.” I guess so. He wasn’t wrong about that because that was fantastic. Wait..those are hand prints.

“Grigor..I left..” Oh shit. I left markings and more specifically my hand marks from too hard of choking.

“I’m so sorry oh my…” I feel horrible! My eyes drifted over to my shoulder where I had bite marks from what I could see.

“Barbarians we are.” He commented as he scooted closer to me and kissed his own bite marks. I leaned over to see that we still had some fresh bread and I am starving. Leaning over to grab a slice then spread a little jam.

“So when were you going to tell me you’ve been learning italian.” Taking a bite as he snuck in to take the next bite.

“Figured you would be more impressed. A tutor for the children was teaching them French and since French and Italian are very similar, it worked out perfectly.” He had a little jam on the corner of his mouth. Leaning in to lick it off he left a soft kiss on his lips.

“Thieves should be punished.” Laughing as I was extremely close to his face.

“Should I be?” My hand snuck up his chest

“Yes. But not at this moment.” Raising my piece of my bread to then scoot away from him. Grabbing a grape to put into my mouth to slow eat in front of him.

“You should try these grapes Grigor. They taste devine.” Taunting him with another grape as I could tell he wanted to get on top of me and ravish. But ah ah ah. He’s being punished for being such a thief. He took a grape from the vine scoot over towards me with it in his mouth.

“No reward for your Grigor. You’ve stolen from me.” Tapping the grape for him to chew it then kissing my finger.

“You’re too much for me Chiara.” Falling back onto the ground as I laughed at him for a minute. I enjoy a little torture in my life.

“When am I going to see those sketches on Grigor? You promised me.” Looking down at him as he smirked at me. Forming my puppy eyes to have him get up from the grass and onto the blanket.

Joining him on the blanket as he opened his sketching bag. He pulled out the first sketch as it..oh..why am I not surprised that it’s a naked woman. But the details are remarkable. To the smallest details on the naked bodies to small beauty marks.

“Grigor..Grigor this is scandalous.” Chuckling as I went to the next is that Svenska? Now the cold was catching up as I felt him place his coat around my shoulder. This is one of the most comfortable coats I’ve worn.

“How on earth did you persuade Svenska to get naked for you?” Asking him as he started to rub the back of his head.

“Costed a gold necklace.” Mhmmm.

“So you’ve slept with other people besides George?”

“Of course not! Before George yes but as I told you, all it costed was a gold necklace.” Well normally I’m not one for degrading fellow women in this world. But at least my nipples aren’t bigger than apples. I kept going through his artwork to see more than naked women, there was one of a wild elk with such gigantic antlers! I’ve never seen one with such large antlers and a tiger?

“That was my old tiger. His name was Maxim and was a wonderful cat till he ripped the arm off my old nanny. Other than that he was a wonderful pet.”

“You would enjoy Africa and all the wildlife there Grigor. You would be able see a herd of zebras and the elephants. Watch those wonderful Lions attack these prey and even better. Witness a cheetah running full speed at an ostrich!” Then reality kicked in. He wouldn’t come to Africa to sketch some wild animals. Truth be told I have been beginning to enjoy our time together. Even before the wild sex.

“Tell me more about Trento.” He asked for me to raise my eyebrow. It’s not like he’s ever going to visit there in his life.

“Why must I always talk about myself. I feel as if it’s all about myself without even knowing much about you. I know you obviously but I get old talking about myself.” Telling him as I handed him back his sketches.

“Rijn Van Rembrandt. My father took me to St. Petersburg for some business. When I was there I snuck off from the boring meeting to see an exhibition happening. His work Bathseba at her bath was on display and I just stood there. My father eventually found me and that is when he bought me my first sketching papers and pencils.” Kissing him softly to show a little gratitude

“Thank you for sharing with me Grigor.” Another kiss for him to place his hands on my cheeks.

“My mother surprisingly did not enjoy the idea of me drawing. Said it would lead to bad habits and wanting to seek out what is bad for me.” He took the sketches from my hands for his hands to travel up my left leg.

“You’re not imagining your mother are you? Catherine told me that the Emperor thinks about his mother when he does the deed.” I started laughing because Grigor fell back onto the blanket and laughed.

“My mother sadly loved me and always looked out for me in the end. Not to mention she treated me like a human being instead of a diseased child.” My eyes widened at his statement to pop another grape into his mouth.

“You really don’t enjoy him do you?” At this point this is starting to lay the seeds of the coup into the mind of Peter's most trustworthy associate. I’m not saying that all this time has been going towards the coup. Because I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together with one another. Trust me. But I also came here to help Catherine with the coup. Just took a little break because someone’s cock is marvelous. Oh that was too much.

“He’s a good friend to say the most. We do enjoy hunting together, drinking, and partying.” Not going to bring up George of course since it’s not my place.

“Hmmm. Must be interesting to see someone like Peter rule a country when he’s such a loose canon.”

“Well that’s where I come in my dear. I’m sort of that force that blocks those too mad for the country ideas. He’s tried to establish that the ladies of the court walk around in only robes and their hats. I then told him about the mysert that women hold and that they need to stay mysterious.” Wow. Who’d know that Grigor had such an important role. I’m not saying that he’s not important but he’s the barrier from all the bad ideas. Not all of them but tries his best I’m assuming.

Though reality striked that Grigor will be staying in Russia once I finally head back to Italy. I think that if we continue this sort of love relationship that he would want to come to Italy but I highly doubt it’s going to happen. He has grown significantly a part of my life in such an intimate way that it’s a little hard to imagine that possibly within a few weeks I’ll be going home and leaving this troublesome country.

Yet deep down in that hardened soul he wouldn’t leave his wife for some foreign Duchess because his home his here, his future children will be here, and I will be Italy. Eventually there will be a time that I will have to get married to some other Duke or Prince who the hell knows at this point. Eventually I’ll have to get married and bring some sort of child into this world and continue on the cycle of life. At Least I’m completely aware of this fact and if he wants to come to Italy he can if not then all I lose is a lover.

SHIT! I HAVE A MEETING WITH CATHERINE TO DISCUSS SPEECHES AND ABOUT WINNING OVER MORE THAN JUST THE LADIES OF THE COURT!

“Grigor I am so sorry but I completely forgot Catherine and I are supposed to have tea very soon!” Grabbing my shirt to stand up and slip it onto my body. I then grabbed my pants to practically jump into them. I finished getting dressed to see Grigor and watched me from the blanket the entire time.

“My darling. Come to my chambers tonight and we shall finish this sketch, with a lot of wine and cheese.” Ordering him but in a very seductive matter. Though this may not last forever, I might as well enjoy the time in the present.

“Add some oranges please, and peaches.” My hands moved around to then place my hand right underneath his neck.

“And make sure those peaches are extremely juicy.” Telling him as my lips hovered over his but didn’t kiss.

“Is that understood?”

“Yes m’lady.” He shivered and gave him one extremely long kis to the point I gave his bottom lip a quick suck and bite. He moaned for a moment as I got up from the ground and my boot knife since I forgot to put it in my boot.

“Ciao Grigor!” Swaying my hips a little more to know that he was staring directly at my ass. He is starting to grow on me and these unknown feelings that have entered my core are rather nice. Though this will not be a cliche story of where I just ignore my feelings and take months on them. I’m a little smarter than that.

Making it inside the palace to see Count Orlo walking up the stairs with rolled up maps tucked in his arms. Catching up to him as he turned his head to shake it at me.

“You missed the meeting.” He commented as I sighed.

“My apologies. You going to slap me on the wrist for missing?”

“No. Just you’re here to help, not sleep with the enemy.”

“Think of it as a way for me to help get closer to the enemy. What did I miss?”

“Catherine is going with Elizabeth to the front in order to bring up the moral with the soldiers. It’s a good tactic to get the military on our side and then the church afterwards.” They looked up maps underneath his arm?

“Are those maps Orlo?” He motioned me into the empty room.

We walked over to the big table for him to plop down all the rolled up papers he had tucked underneath his arms. Going through them till he found the one he was looking for. Opening it up to then place random tabletop places. The entire war map was displayed before me as I noticed that a lot of the Sweds were winning this war.

“The Swedish have taken control of Sosnovyy Bor. An important port but not as important as Vyborg where we’re keeping them completely out of.” Taking a look to see how close Sosnovyy Bor was to St. Petersburg and it’s closer than I could’ve imagined. At any time they could easily invade St. Petersburg and we lose the war. Though it would be a good way so that Peter can be bethrowned but now can head into Moscow then to us. I’m going to avoid bloodshed in this battle.

“Orlo. How much has Catherine learned from this map?”

“She told me that she would get all the information she needed when arriving at the front.” Great.

“Orlo. Let me have this map and I’ll go through my studies to see if I can find a solution.” I think I have an idea.

“What are you planning?” Rolling up the map for myself then smiling.

“Making Catherine look like a genius.” Walking away from Orlo to then head to my chambers.

This..this might work.

*The Next Morning*

Since I missed the meeting because of lust and sketches. Catherine came up with a brilliant idea (not sarcastic at all I promise) that we would go to the front to see the soldiers and how the war is going. This is a good learning chance on my military tactics that I was more than happy to accompany her to the front.

Now I understand what she’s trying to do and I’m here to help with bringing up the soldiers moral! But at such Godless hours in the morning. And macaroons? Bring them a feast with warm meat and vegetables! Not sugary sweets! Who knows maybe it will. Catherine does know what she’s doing...most of the time. Not that she isn’t smart but soldiers prefer victories over sweets, but we won’t know till we get there.

My hand was resting on Grigor's bare chest for me to open my eyes. I’m meant to go with Catherine and Elizabeth to the front for some moral and aid. On our way there I plan on slipping a little advice under Catherines greatness. Sort of passing a note in order to get the War moving on.

Scooting over to place a soft kiss on his cheek for him to still be asleep. Fernanda came into the bedroom with my clothes for the ride. She looked at Grigor then making sure that she wasn’t too loud.

“Heavy sleeper. We’ll be fine.” Telling her as I lifted the nightgown off for her to hand me my white shirt. The corset was next for me as I looked over at Grigor who was still asleep. Hopefully this doesn’t wake him up. Placing the corset on my body as I stood straight up to wait for her to start tightening it.

“Holy shit!” Whispering as she pulled a little to the tight. I think my lungs are coming out of my throat! Another quick tight pull for her to tie it up for Grigor to still be asleep. I finished getting dressed and he was still asleep.

“I’ll be going to the front of Fernanda. Let him know whenever he wakes up that I’m not sure when I’ll get back.” Telling her as she nodded. She handed me my belt and sword for me to tighten it. Then finally my boot dagger for safety measures. If I’m going to be with a bunch of men then I’m going to stay safe. I do need something to do on the ride so why not a book. The Spirit of the Laws by Montesquieu, seems fitting.

Walking back over to Grigor's bed side to place a soft kiss on his forehead. This must’ve woken him since he grabbed my arm softly. Opening his eyes slightly for him to get up from the bed and rub his eyes.

“Good morning.” Telling him as he yawned.

“Good morning. Where are you off to?”

“I’m going to the front with Catherine and Elizabeth for the day.” Kissing his lips for him to nod then widened his eyes.

“To the front? You’re not even Russian! So why do you care about the war?” Though he does have a point since they’re not my men, not even my country.

“You do remember that I’m here for Catherine. Where she goes I must go, and if she is to go to the front then I must go to the front.” Telling him yet he was still confused about my reasoning.

“I’ll be just fine. You know that I’m more than capable of handling myself.”

“Let me kiss you for a few more minutes please.” He begged to pull me on top of him and smashed his lips against mine. Sitting in his lap for him to place kisses all over my neck and face. His lips are wonderful and extremely intoxicating. But as much as I would love him to undress me and ravish me, I have to get going for our trip.

“Grigor..Grigor stop…” Laughing for him to stop and look at me.

“Must you go?”

“Yes. I promise I’ll be back this evening and you can tell me about that new trick you’ve learned.”

“Which one?”

“The seated wheelbarrow I think is what you called it.” Climbing off him to stand up next to him.

“Ciao Grigor.” He took my hand to place a soft kiss for me to walk away. I could hear Catherine coming towards the door from the other side. Opening it to see her all dolled up in her appropriate attire.

“Good morning Chiara.” Bubbly and excited in a sense for the front.

“Good morning Catherine. You are more ready than ever I see.” Telling her as we began walking down the hall.

“I’m very excited to see the front. It should be a very important learning experience for me and should help with the coup tremendously.” She told me as I nodded.

“Have you been keeping up with the war?” Asking her for us to start walking down the stairs to the carriages.

“Not really. Velementov can give me an update on arrival.” He won’t have time. He’s too busy trying to win the war!

“But you have to go in with some sort of plan Catherine. Even you would have something like that of the sorts going into it.” Telling her as she stopped walking down the stairs to turn to face me.

“This isn’t a tactic. And I imagine you are unaware of what’s going on in the war just as much as I am.” I love her confidence but this sort of idea that he’ll just tell her his plans. I think Catherine needs to understand the true situation.

“The Sweds have taken control of Sosnovyy Bor and will make their way up the coast to invade St. Petersburg. If they keep Bor they’ll use it as a city to regather supplies, the man power, and then they head to Saint Petersburg. If Velementov gets his head together he can invade Bor easily and push them all the way back to Hanko. Then from Hanko to Mariehamm, take over that group of islands and then the Sweds are back into their country. The war is over and we win. Only problem is that the Sweds have an extremely strong hold Hanko which will require even..”

“Catherine! Oh and Chiara I am delighted that both of you will be joining me on this trip. It’s quite lonely when I make this journey. Come come.” Motioning for us to follow her.

We stood next to the carriage as two servants placed two boxes inside the carriage. I’m assuming those are the macaroons. Elizabeth was first to climb in, followed by me then finally Catherine. What a weird way to bring morale up but if the boots fit then the boot fits.

“Chiara you have such a unique way of living.” Elizabeth commented for the carriage to start moving.

“Thank you?”

“I’ve heard stories like you Chiara. Women who go above the normal parts of society, always leads to such tragic deaths in the end. Poor Joan of Arc was burned at the steak, Artemisia of Caria who jumped from a tall rock in Leucas Greece.” I ummm. I don’t plan on leaping from a rock for the love of my life, and The Catholic church won’t burn me for heresy.

“No matter. Just know that it’s an exciting time to get to know you. For someone who only fucks one person you’re stronger than most.” Oh my god what is happening!?

I must say that Aunt Elizabeth is an interesting sort of woman who I think is as mad as a dog but smarter than most people realize. I believe that she uses her own sexuality to her advantage and sort of does what’s best for Peter. Which is understandable for she is his aunt. But there’s more to her than she’s letting on.

But to the front!

“It is nivering.” Elizabeth was messing with her cape as I was looking outside into the forest. Even though the Emperor is a sack of shit the landscape is gorgeous.

“A bit. But I’m glad you’ve allowed us to come with you on this experience.” I’m glad but I’m just exhausted.

“Oh I enjoy both of your company. You Catherine laugh at my jokes and you Chiara with your wit and spiteful tongue.” I wouldn’t call it spiteful. Maybe?

“Not to mention Catherines tales of German childhood are whimsical, and make me wish I knew what a kugelhopf was.” It’s a cake. Right?

“It is just a cake.” That’s what I thought. It’s a sort of cake that has raisins, fresh oranges, or lemons, and almonds. Mostly served at breakfast time if I remember correctly. They talked for a few moments till the mood changed within the carriage. Elizabeth sighed as she looked out the window.

“You should prepare yourself for a little unpleasantness on arrival.” It’s the front. I’m not exactly expecting a picnic on arrival.

“Yes. Of course.”

“So tell me then Elizabeth. What exactly is the attitude of the Russian army?” She looked at me with a small devilish smile.

“That we will not stop until every last Swedish soldier is dead. That is the attitude of the Russian army.” Leaning in closer to her as I was doubting that answer. On paper yes that would be the attitude, in the history books yes.

“Elizabeth. What is the..” The carriage stopped before I could finish asking her my question. I get that she understood what I was asking in the first place yet she has to put on a brave face to get ready for the front.

The carriage door opened for the smell of blood, vomit, gunpowder, and so much more to come swerling into the carriage. This is what war smells of. Blood and powder. I’m for certain that my great great Grandfather Sir Fabrizio would be proud of me finally experiencing some war. Even if it is just chatting with the Generals. Maybe throw in a few strategies I’ve studied through my entire life.

Catherine was the first one out as I noticed she was in a little star struck and blocking the door. Quickly moving for Elizabeth to come out and then followed by me. My boots sunk into the mud a little as it looked like a horrid place. War is horrid just remember this Chiara.

So many injured..so many dead. How can The Emperor who has been losing non stop allow this much carnage? The amount of lost lives alone, though war is war but you have to be aware when you’re on the losing side! Even I know that much! Wait Chiara. This is war and these men know that they might do for their country, for war is unavoidable.

“Ladies!” We turned our heads to see Velementov and his aids coming out of his tents.

“Empresses and Duchess. How wonderful that you’ve come. You are an inspiration to us all.” Diamonds in the rough are exactly what I would call us at this moment.

“Would you care for a macaroon? We’ve brought 300 for the men.” Ah yes. The Macaroons in order to bring up the moral of war.

“Do you mind if I take a couple?” He shoved two into his mouth and then a few into his pockets. Even I must say when I get back I’m going to stuff my face with panettones and delicious pastas.

“Please. Follow me.” Velementov instructed with his mouth full of food. Catherine looked absolutely disgusted and almost green before my eyes.

“What is that smell?”

“Bodies, mud, horse shit, smoke of cannons. It is not a place for women.” I feel offended. Joan of Arc and Khutulun were on the battlefield fighting alongside the men. Maybe not as much of the gunpowder and cannons but definitely the smell of blood and horse shit.

“If it is a place where Russian men die, then it is a place for us.” Elizabeth responded to Velementov’s statement.

“How is the war progressing General?” Asking Velementov for him to sigh a little.

“We have received some setbacks.” Some?

“But what the peevish Swede entirely lacks is our ferocious Russian fighting spirit. That in the end, always guarantees victory.” I think the Mangolians thought of that once but they successfully invaded Russia.

“So we’re losing?” Catherine and I asked and could immediately tell Elizabeth was burnt.

“Catherine! Chiara! Focus on the men. And only victory. They need hope.” Not my men. My men are in their warm beds with their family not fighting some war in order to prove that you’re just as good as your own father. Too soon? I watched as Catherine and Elizabeth began to pass around Macaroons to the men and put on a brave face. Bread and meat would be much better than macaroons but I understand the reasoning behind it.

“I’m told you’re prepared to pose for a battle painting.” A battle painting?

“Yes indeed General. Whatever will help fire the men’s morale.” A painting? Really?

“A grand victorious painting of the two of you is sure to do just that.” A painting!? So that the men could have a little time for themselves? Never!

“Tell me Velementov. What is your strategy exactly? From what I’ve read it’s been nothing but full head on attacks.” Stating as he took a macaroon from his pocket.

“The Emperor has ordered us to keep full on head attacks to the Sweds.” Catherine and Elizabeth were getting themselves ready for the war painting for me to start thinking about the strategies that have been taught to me from past Knights of my family.

“Velementov. I assume you’re away from the Norman Conquest of England in 1066?” Asking as I motioned for his aid to pull out a map.

“Williams' army contained 2,000 cavalrymen and 5,000 infantrymen with crossbows, bows, and swords. Williams only option was for a frontal assault in order to invade. After a no so frontal assault, William personally led a cavalry charge but was turned back by the Saxon defenses and the horrible weather of England. He was then defeated. Not to mention rumors of Williams death began going around, which we all know was a lie because he was seen alive, rallied his troops and renewed the assault. He ordered his soldiers to fire at a much higher angle instead of directly into the army in order to break their defense.” He looked annoyed as the map was opened for me to look at where exactly the war was going on.

“I don’t need a lecture on past military tactics. I might be a dishonorable general but not a moron.” That’s not what I’m trying to do exactly.

“That’s not what I’m trying to do Velementov. I know that the Sweds are held up in Sosnovyy Bor and from a reliable source that they might head into St. Petersburg.” Looking at a much bigger map to see that the Sweds had locked down Sosnovyy Bor.

“If you do not take Sosnovyy Bor back from the Sweds then you loose Saint Petersburg and then you might as well wave the white flag of war.” He knows and is aware of this. I think that the Emporer is too busy making stupid ideas and jokes that he doesn’t know that the Sweds are literally at his doorstep.

“What I’m saying is that you rain in from all different angles. You block them by the sea and by land to rain down on very different angles. There is only one road that the Sweds can use in order to escape and that’s an easy blockade to form as well. Attacking your own city may not be the best idea, but you save St. Petersburg from those damn Sweds. You then push them back to Hanko to surround them there.”

“You are a rare flower..a flower that blooms in the middle of a battlefield full of dead soldiers.” Velementov commented for me nod.

“One must have an understanding of war if one is to lead. Atleast I get the chance to actually understand tactics.”

“Whenever I am back at the palace. I might call upon you for more advice on war.” Picking my hand up to kiss it. Yeah this won’t be happening in a lifetime and even if he was the last man on earth I still wouldn’t sleep with him.

The carriage ride was dead silent before me. I could tell both Catherine and Elizabeth were beside themselves on having to stand on top of dead soldiers for a portrait. While I on the other hand feel extremely successful for sort of conducting my own first military tactic. Hopefully they can take back Bor and all will be settled.

“Stop!” Elizabeth ordered to bang her cane on the top of the carriage. We stopped as I looked up from my book.

Elizabeth climbed out of the carriage to stand in the middle of the forest. She began to hollar, kick, and looking like she was going to rip her own hair out of her body. That’s one way to deal with your problems and no wonder she’s kept herself sane. We looked at each other for me to wonder what that was about. Then back out to the window for a little more screaming. Only seconds later she gathered herself back together as Catherine and I watched her climb back into the carriage and place her poker face on to us. Catherine’s mood changed from tears into anger.

“Are you alright?” Asking both of them but definitely towards Elizabeth.

“Of course. Whatever it was is floating on the wind now. Do you need to? Both of you? We can stop.” Though I do feel the pain of these men. This is not my country and hasn’t affected my day to day life when I return home to Italy. This was only meant to wager Catherine in good favor.

“I need to scream. But not into the air, but at the world for allowing this to happen.”

“War is inevitable, since cavemen smashed each other’s faces in for control of the fire stick.”

“It cannot be. It is a choice.”

“Things that are built in our nature are not choices.”

“Such as our human need to seek companionship.” Commenting to look back down into my book. A macaroon sounds delicious. If a bunch of soldiers can have a macaroon then don’t mind if I do. Opening the box to grab a pink and blue macaroon to pop the pink one in my mouth.

I’m hungry. There’s no need to think that I’m some heartless woman because that is not the case. War is inevitable such as Elizabeth stated and there is no such thing as a permanent peaceful society. Eventually that society must go through blood in order to keep that peace. Both Elizabeth and Catherine watched me eat the blue one as if it was a crime.

“Can’t decide if I can stomach a macaroon or not.” Catherine took the blue box from the ground to then chuck it directly out of the carriage into the forest. There’s no need to waste macaroons, and these were delicious.

“FUCK!” She screamed for me to close my book and place it next to me.

“There you go. Let it out.”

“We have to object to this. We cannot subject men to this nightmare, their lives and hopes extinguished. Russia cannot continue on this path.”

“We will prevail.”

“At what cost?”

“Well, that is the trick to it. Knowing when the cost is still bearable and when it has tipped too far.” Though it is a certain matter that is meant to happen, eventually there is a time to call it quits. Unless you’re the Christians and Muslims and think it’s a great idea to have a war that lasts 780 years.

“That seemed too far.”

“I’ve seen worse. But I admire your heart and fire.”

“I am scorched by that, certainly and will not forget it.”

“What?”

“I hoped it would happen. You are becoming a Russian.”

I think Catherine and I need to have a long talk on ruling an Empire. War is inevitable, war is not a one time deal that goes away after a few days. It is only the continuance of politics but not solved in the halls until it’s too late.

Taglist: 

@mirkwoodshewolf @bonafiderocketqueen @johndeaconshands

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels @amethyst-serenade @radio-ha-ha @i-have-a-wonky-eye-too @deck-heart @actuallyanita  @the-baby-bookworm @ewanmcgregors​ @panagiasikelia​

[taramaclaywasaterf]

Hey guys, I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. I’m not actually, like, back back. I just need to vent, I guess.

For those who don’t know, my grandfather committed suicide. He’d been battling lung and stomach cancer for years, and the pain had gotten so unbearable that I guess he couldn’t take it anymore. He’d been in and out of the hospital for years, and the whole month leading up to his death, he was home maybe 4 nights total, the rest spent in the hospital. My dad found him. We’ve been grieving together. It’s been hard.

My family doesn’t really get along that well. Basically just me and one of my cousins are really close, but that's it. My grandfather was kinda the glue that was keeping everyone together. His death was kind of like the final string that was tying us all together being severed.

I don’t know. The police had to come. It was really really bad. They had to make sure he wasn’t murdered.

I just hope it was quick. I hope he’s with my grandmother now. That she was waiting for him on the other side, wherever that may be. That he’s not in any pain anymore. That he knows I love him so fucking much.

As for me, I just feel…I just feel fucking numb. This happened two days after the anniversary of the death of my best friend, and less than a month after the death of Trevor Moore, a comedian whose sketches made me laugh during the worst times of my childhood and whose sudden death really fucked me up.

I kinda just shut down. I didn’t really cry at all the first day. The second day all I did was cry. After that, its like my body physically stopped letting me feel anything at all. I’m just numb. And tired. And my fucking head hasn’t stopped hurting.

I walked around his house and got some things I wanted. Some old photos. Cards I made him when I was little that he kept all these years. Some love notes my grandmother wrote him when they were young. His favorite hat. I found a photo from his wedding to my grandmother, and its now hanging above my bed. Its crazy how much I look like her. How happy he looked to have her in his arms.

I also brought home his cat. I was terrified he wouldn’t fit in with my two cats and dog. But after a bit of a shaky start, and a lot of hours spent sitting with him trying to get him to trust me, he’s settled in. My grandpa rescued him from a shelter when he was a few years old. He loved my grandfather more than anything. I can tell he’s still mourning him, like we all are. But I like to think we’ve been helping each other get through it. I hope my grandfather knows I have him. That he’s not going anywhere. That he’s safe with me, and he’s happy and warm and loved. He’s curled up on my lap right now as I write this. He’s purring quietly.

I miss him. I wish I told him more that I love him. I wish I spent more time with him. I wish I could’ve at least said goodbye. I’ve been through a lot of grief in my life, and it never fucking gets easier. I wish I could take this feeling out of me leave it somewhere for a while. I wish I could fix things. I wish my dad didn’t have to see what he saw. I wish I could make it better for him. I wish this wasn’t how things were.

As for how I am right now, well, I’m laughing. Hysterically. And crying. A lot. I took a break writing this post because it was getting too hard, so I distracted myself by watching dumb videos on my phone. Until this video of Trevor Moore popped up in my Youtube recommended:

And now I genuinely can’t fucking stop laughing. Like, holy fucking shit, Trevor. You really had a way of making jokes that are flat out prophetic, huh? Here I’ve been, on the verge of relapse for the past month over how bad your death fucked ME up, and here you are, years ago, calling me out for how completely and utterly ridiculous I am. And the fact that I’m even writing THIS right NOW makes it even worse! Look at me, acting as if you fucking died to make me learn a fucking lesson! As if my own fucking grandfather died to make me appreciate life more! As if my best friend wrapped her goddamn car around a tree just to make me realize how precious fucking friendships are! As if the entire fucking universe revolves around deliberately fucking my life up! Its pathetic! Its fucking tragic and fucked up and absolutely mind-blowingly fucking pathetic! And yet here I am, writing on the fucking internet to you, Trevor, still doing the same fucking thing! And I can't fucking stop laughing, because this is the most Trevor fucking thing I can possibly think of!

Like. I don’t even know what to do anymore, guys. I know I said I’d be taking a break, and I still am. I just needed to get this out. I don’t want to bother my friends with it, they’re worried enough about me as it is right now. They're kinda treating me as if I'm made of glass right now, which I understand, but its still frustrating. I know they just want me to be ok, and just want to keep me from doing anything stupid and fucking up my life again, but still. Being treated like a paper doll at a waterpark is getting tiring. I guess it just speaks to how entirely not-great I'm doing- that even my closest friends aren't making jokes about this shit- they're acting like I'm some fragile fucking child. But yeah.

Again, I know they mean well, and they just really don't want to see me get sucked down into that fucking void again, but I want to be distracted from all the fucked up things in my life. I want to laugh about it, and not be constantly fucking reminded of how bad things are every time I catch them looking at me like I'm some sad little puppy dog they found on the side of the road.

Oh! to top it all off, I got a letter in the mail yesterday. From my mother. Who I haven't spoken to in around a decade, because she was an abusive addict who made my childhood hell. She wants to have fucking coffee and "catch up." Jesus fucking christ, why now. Seriously. Why fucking now? Nothings been released publicly about my grandfather yet- the only people who know about it is immediate family, and everyone on my dad's side of the family fucking hates my mom almost as much as I do, so there is no way in hell anyone told her about it. So this is just a total coincidence. A giant fucking cosmic "fuck you." (Oh, look, there I go again thinking my existence is meaningful enough to the entire enormity of the universe that it would target me specifically to fuck with! Jesus fucking christ!) Like, I swear to god this fucking woman has some sort of alarm in her brain that says "oh hey, my daughter is at one of the the lowest points in her life?? Time to drop on by and say hello!!!!"

Just...I don't even know. Fuck. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna get through all this shit, yall.

Well. Anyway. Thats it for now.

Find Kony 2012, I guess.

[waka-chan-out]

Aaaaaa!!! I wanna know all your thoughts on them! Tbh i can totally keep going bc aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. I actually do see Sakusa being an asshole, but not intentionally? More like... Picking the wrong choice of words. But he'd be a cuddle monster in a relationship when he's comfortable and I don't take criticism. ❤ you tell Kita you want a pet and he assumes a cat or something, but you bring home some cows. Oh! Oh! My sweet Aone... If you can't sleep at 3am he's awake just listening to you ramble bc he loves everything you have to say. ;-; all 3 show their love in gestures that would go unnoticed by everyone else, but you? You absolutely can tell. Aaaaaaa!!!!!

gear up everybody meg is gonna yell !!

i was gonna talk about all of the characters you mentioned but then i got carried away talking about kiyoomi so i guess that’s what this post is.

think i phrased my thoughts about him wrong in my other post. he totally is an asshole, just not in the way people think. i think it just kind of naturally happens because of his preferences and comfort zone? of course he would be a little rude if people confuse him or violate his boundaries. that’s just the kind of person he is. (i also definitely think he’s coded as neurodivergent but i know not everyone shares that opinion). kiyoomi is an ass, but he’s very rarely acting that way maliciously. he’s just naturally rough around the edges.

i’ll die on the sakuatsu hill, but i also think looking at kiyoomi’s friendship with atsumu is a great way to understand his character. obviously they butt heads, but i see their dynamic as extremely similar to atsumu and osamu’s. yeah they’re at each other’s throats and it’s usually atsumu getting carried away, osamu calling him on it, and atsumu telling him to shut up. gee, i wonder where i’ve seen exactly that??

YOU EVEN GET TO SEE OSAMU LAUGHING AT THEM. their dynamics mirror each other perfectly. yeah kiyoomi is an ass, but he’s an ass in a way that makes people like him more. we recognize that osamu is a bit of an ass, but he’s so passionate about what he was and would do anything for his brother. kiyoomi is the same. he shows affection by butting heads with those around him.

also, holy shit. look at the black jackals. really think it through. look at manga panels. atsumu is like the absolutely terrified caretaker of bokuto and hinata. he’s no longer the “annoying” one. this man is fighting for his life. that’s why i think he and kiyoomi probably get along so well. they’re both overwhelmed by the personalities and behavior of their teammates, so they get along perfectly. as far as kiyoomi’s character goes, i just think that’s fantastic. he can find someone that he’s comfortable with even if they aren’t ‘perfect’ for him. atsumu as a person pushes kiyoomi’s buttons, but that’s part of the fun. he’s kind of a solace from the rest of the chaos in both of their lives. i think he’d carry that into a relationship as well. yeah life is crazy and he has lots of very specific needs and boundaries, but he’s willing to be flexible for someone he really cares about.

but kiyoomi is also just as chaotic as everyone else on the team? he’s a fully formed person beyond being the weird, kinda mean one. this is the duality of man:

HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT THESE AND STILL TELL ME HE’S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE “stoic asshole types.” HE’S EVERYTHING BUT.

anyway, this was a long winded way to say you’re totally right. kiyoomi is soft for the ones he likes, and though you’ll never be able to get rid of his bastard energy, i don’t think you’d want to. that’s what makes him charming. all you gotta do is tease him back. roll with the punches and dish out your own, and you’ll have kiyoomi wrapped around your finger in no time.

i’m writing a character x character fic w kiyoomi so can you tell i’ve thought about this lmao

but yeah looking for images for this post made me fall into a hole and now i’m dying so i’m making you all lose it with me.

THE SMIRK I CAN’T

how can you see the light leaving atsumu’s eyes without actually seeing it in this.

terrified caretaker atsumu:

just more examples of why he and kiyoomi get along so well. you can’t tell me they don’t share a room every time there’s an away game. i don’t think they’d survive anyone else.

finally, my favorite:

the “smish” and “i could watch this all day” get me every time.

[hold-our-destiny]

My mega fic rec list

i decided to go through all my 170+ bookmarks and put the best of them on here.

I will be trying to sort them somehow (and ill list any triggers i can find) so it will be a long post. If you have any fic recs you think i might like, feel free to send them to me! I’ll be updating this every few months.

Kidnapping fics:

All the Things We've Lost (And All the Things We've Gained) by forensicleaf (temporary character death. well not really but youll understand. adorable comfort at the end)

Brave as a Noun by edema_ruh 

(most amazing kidnapping fic, hurt/comfort. Peter gets kidnapped by scorpion.)

more peril in thine eye by iron_spider

(THE BEST RECOVERY FIC EVER)

hearts are empty (almost all the time) by jwc 

(tetrodoxin B fic, one of the best hurt/comfort)

oh, darling. by luna_e_stelle 

(perfect in every way kidnapping fic. one of the best fics on here honestly.)

New Dream by writerllofllworlds 

(one of my favourite kidnapping fics. AU where tony and peter dont know each other)

darkness will be rewritten by marveal 

(amazing hydra peter fic)

And I'll Help You Take A Breath by @svn-f1ower 

(Peter and Tony are kidnapped, for revenge)

Fight Like You're Running Out of Time by jelly_pies 

(just- adorable, good whump)

If You Can't Catch A Breath (You Can Take The Oxygen Straight Out Of My Own Chest) by losingmymindtonight

(Peter’s buried alive)

i’m a superhero, just like you by @mjscornerr

(This is just- holy shit)

mental health fics:

I Want To Go. by chvotic 

(amazing depressed peter fic. heed the warnings)

Walking the Wire by @ironxprince 

(most accurate depiction of depression i’ve seen yet, amazing fic in every way. read the tags)

Possibly triggering fics:

(to be specific, this will include abuse, addiction, and possibly some non con. It won’t include mental health fics)

here comes the sun by @motherkarizma 

(BEST AU IVE EVER READ. read read read. ive read this 20 times and i havent gotten sick of it yet)

my old man by @parkrstark 

(amazing. spectacular. trigger warnings tho)

Danny Boy by friendlyneighborhoodirondad 

(ive read it over 50 times. never gets old.)

Take my heart not my life by elephreak

(amazing fic. huge trigger warnings.)

the locker room by searchingforstars 

(amazing recovery fic. major trigger warning.)

battle scars by endlessxriver 

(hurt/comfort, amazing. please be weary of the tags)

I Find it Hard to Breathe by chvotic

(Holy shit the flash redemption is strong in this one)

Parkner (and other Peter parker ships):

Tennessee Whiskey by Superstitious 

(parkner slow burn. the best in existance. try to prove me wrong, i dare you)

If The World Was Ending (You'd Come Over, Right?) by Shaderose 

(one of the best parkner fics ive read)

Teddy Bear Blues by Shaderose 

(adorable parkner fic. made my cry)

Have Them Over by @canonismybitch 

(Interwebs fluff and flash redemption)

i'm gonna miss you when i'm gone by LilacsAndLilies 

(Parksborn fluff)

the way you're taking my heart, you're making this thing look easy by LilacsAndLilies 

(Poly Peter/harry/harley fluff)

cupid painted blind by @silver-bubbles

(THE BEST PARKNER FIC HONESTLY GO READ IT)

My Favorite Person in the World by baloobird

(Again, if its written by kris its gotta be amazing)

hurt/comfort:

Apartment 43B by ironfamjam 

(one of my top fic recs, adorable hurt/comfort)

In the Home by aloneintherain

(pure whump. pure. whump)

Mercy by wolfypuppypiles 

(amazing whump. poor bruce)

Creepy Crawlies & Peppermint Allergies by Webtrinsic  

(adorably angsty allergy fic)

Wired Shut inside and out by Webtrinsic 

(Mute peter parker. i loveeeee)

round two by caraminha

(After coming back from the snap, peter has to go through the mutation process again)

Guard Your Own by fizzseed 

(possibly anti- steve rogers endgame fix it)

(After)Life of the Party by peterjackson  

(amazing fic. peter gets poisoned at a party)

Before You Go by heavenlyshadows 

(angsty endgame au with fluff)

The Good Fight by Emily_F6 

(one of my favourite recovery fics. temporary paralysis)

For All My Days Remaining by amethyst-noir (Arbonne) 

(ironstrange hurt/comfort)

Like A Strike of Lightning by Daydreamer5187

(Basically what the summary says)

Something the Soul Needs by @blondsak

(holy shit this whump, dude)

you held your pride like you should have held me by searchingforstars

(Holy shit this is some of the best worried!tony content ive ever seen)

The Stories On My Skin by Imissyoutoo

(Tony sees peter’s scars)

Leave out all the Rest by @xxx-cat-xxx

(major character death. amazing, purely amazing. i had to take a minute after reading it for the first time to just process it, i cannot reccomend it enough)

with great power... by parkrstark

(dont even get me started-)

The Targets We Paint by ephemeralstark

(bruh this is so good)

Colder Here Inside in Silence by TheOceanIsMyInkwell

(aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA)

Casualty of war by wolfypuppypiles

(oh my god this is... the best)

AUs:

nothing is impossible (with you) by highqualitynot

(two words. CINDERELLA AU. thats all i have to say. also parkner)

Lake of Tears by @romeoandjulietyouwish

(one of my favourite au’s, written by my friend!! swan lake au with hurt/comfort)

the fire's out but still it burns by justt_ppeachy

(adorable irondad soulmates fic)

Heart of Iron by SuperHeroTiger

(peter has the arc reactor, im1 au)

Everything, All At Once by ironfamjam

(irondad soulmates)

when I'm lost (I feel so very found) by cold_nights_summer_days

(my gift for the fic exchange! Homeless Peter)

Out Like a Light by lavishhallucinations

(Peter with a fainting disorder)

Leave out all the Rest by xxx_cat_xxx

(Tony’s diagnosed with brain cancer)

Fluff:

Love you, Papa by chvotic

(most adorable superfamily moments)

It'll All Be Fine by 221BroadwayIron (Adorably fluff, au)

LGBT Fics:

What's in a Serum? by purplestarfish

(trans peter parker, trans steve rogers. amazing fic)

blood under my belt by softystarks

(trans peter parker, great pepper potts)

June by peterparkr

(will make you simultaneously cringe and smile. Tony’s just a hopeful dad trying to do his best... it doesnt really work out)

[fencesandfrogs]

names. leaders. meaning.

i’m working on a master post with a list of my influences but i’m impatient and i have my own ideas. warrior cats lore post. bracketed numbers are things that broke flow but i wanted to include. under the cut.

THUNDERCLAN leaders are addressed by their name. there is no honorific, just bluestar or firestar or pinestar. the names of a leader become hallowed names. no kit will be named bluekit for many seasons after her death, until those who knew her have passed, and her name is just another in the list of leaders kits are taught. their names, kits are told, are powerful. just as kits can be summoned by their name, so can a leader. firestar’s compassion and fairness will be with us as long as we remrember his name.

a kit’s name is its mother’s choice, although a generous queen might allow a tom some input. kits are named for what they look like and what their mother wants them to be. dovekit for a grey kit who deserves peace. ivykit for a grey kit who deserves to put down roots.

after the great journey, these peaceful names have been more common. everyone wants to stay, be stable and calm. it won’t be until all those who made the journey have passed for it to even be possible for the old fighting to start again. maybe then, more grey kits will be named stormkit for power.

and their warrior name is always for them. recent leaders may have made unique choices, but perhaps older leaders were too conservative. bluefur and snowfur, from the same litter no less, is a tad unoriginal. but a kit is named for who their mother wants them to be, and a warrior is named for who they are. names describe who we are. [1]

SHADOWCLAN leaders are addressed by their name at times, especially during the day, but during hallowed and holy times, they are addressed by star seer. never in front of other clans. this is a powerful name. kits are taught this from birth. the stars are their ancestors, and the leader has been blessed by nine. it is only fair to show reverence for that. but the other clans do not understand this. they would only dishonor the tradition.

a kit’s name is chosen by all the queens in the nursery, and sometimes the elder queens. the mother has final say, but she is only first among equals. it takes many heads to remember as many warriors who have borne a name as possible.

when tawnypelt insisted on tigerkit, they decided it was a dangerous name. that’s why they had dawnkit and flamekit. because firestar was the downfall of tigerstar, and the dawn is a peaceful time. tigerkit would turn the power of his father for good.

their warrior names are, similarly, a more open discussion. leaders discuss it with mentors and senior warriors and medicine cats. hints are often dropped to the apprentices. their names must complete what the queens started. tigerheart so that he would remember it was the strength of his heart. puddleshine so that he would be able to find the light of starclan. names shape those they are given to.

RIVERCLAN leaders have a litany of names. weather caller, storm seer, spirit walker. a new leader being made is a chance to find another for the list. these names are to honor leaders for the role they play in their lives. the names themselves, mistystar, crookedstar, leopardstar, they are not held with the same reverence as in thunderclan and shadowclan. a leader leaves behind their claim to that name, becoming known by that only by their friends from before.

a kit’s name is chosen by the queen and her mate, regardless of the father. [2] they are chosen to honor the kit and the name. silverkit, out of love for trinkets, hoping their daughter would feel loved. graykit, hoping for a peaceful life, like still water. featherkit for a half-thunderclan kit, that they would not forget their blood, even though they would be raised riverclan.

stormkit was a debated choice. graystripe was not silverstream’s mate. he had little say over their names, but in lieu of either silverstream or her mate, stormkit would have to stick. it would come to honor spirit and power, courage to stand on your own. stormkit would have a new meaning, a new honor, after that.

their warrior name is chosen to honor their environment, to honor them. silverstream, for a daughter who had grown beautiful and loved. feathertail for a riverclan cat who knew where she belonged. crookedjaw for a warrior who had grown into the hardship he had dealt. the bearer of a name changes its meaning.

WINDCLAN has no name for their leader but their name. tallstar. heatherstar. harestar. but their medicine cats are honored. kestrelflight might become spirit seer in honor of a bird’s vision, and barkface could become moor healer, a tribute to the gift of herbs of the moor. no one decides on these names, but the clan agrees. it is not a name gifted in haste. only one medicine cat can ever have another name at a time, but to receive it is honor.

kits are named for prey and plants. harekit for a kit who looked fast and wry, crowkit for a kit with the old power of tunnelers. heatherkit for a kit with a pelt apt for stealth, and barkkit for a kit who looked out of place on the moor. the queen suggests, but the medicine cat confirms. without a blessing from starclan, no name could be a good omen. [3]

barkface didn’t like breezekit, he said it was a poor chosen name. said the kit was too solid for a name like breezekit, that rabbitkit or gorsekit was better. nightcloud asked if he was forbidding the name. barkface said he would not deny a queen to choose the name of her only kit. but breezekit would only bear ill wind.

warrior names are chosen for accuracy. breezepelt for a cat with a thin pelt. heathertail for a skilled hare runner. a leader seeks approval from a medicine cat, that they will bring no misfortune for their chosen name. _crowfeather _was a shocking interruption to begin with, but made worse that barkface could not ensure it was not ill-fated. names describe our future.

SKYCLAN has no honorific for its leader nor its medicine cat. to treat them differently would be to devalue their role. they are part of the clan as any other, and that is why they can lead it. so the names of a leader are not hallowed, but fought over once they have passed. the first kit to be named leafkit will be of the first litter born after leafstar loses her last life. [4]

a kit’s name is chosen with careful consideration. they may go unnamed for up to a moon as the queen searches for a good name. a cat who passes away while a litter is unnamed is almost sure to find themselves reborn in a name. firekit, stormkit, harrykit. all named for who was, but isn’t anymore.

firekit and stormkit may seem like they started this tradition, but it was harrykit far more than the other two. skyclan proved they would form their own clan, make the rules work for them, and that meant names like harrykit. it was honoring not just who was but also who they were.

so far, warrior names have been chosen exclusively by leafstar, and no one has complaints. the other clans might protest, but their names are a mark of what skyclan is, now that they live with the others. a warrior’s name is an honor, either in memory of another, or to bring honor to the name being given. violetshine that both names might enter the skyclan canon, frecklewish for a granted wish, _billystorm _for the she-cat that helped shape their clan. names honor those who came before.

PERHAPS THEN it’s not strange for bramblestar’s names to be unique. he has lead his clan during a strange time. and if riverclan’s names grow similar, that is because they know what they love. names have meaning. they always do. [5]

[1]: this is my explanation for the elder’s names in series one. i’ve also seen some lostface commentary i like.

[2]: cats can have multiple fathers in one litter. not going into it. this has nothing to do with adoption stuff. i mean it could, but i’m specifically saying it doesn’t.

[3]: other clans do get medicine cat approval, but it’s a formality, a wives’ tale.

[4]: modern skyclan, as per usual. old skyclan used -sky as a sort of friendly greeting? a personal, in thing? skyclan’s territory was furthest from high stones, so they probably weren’t super spiritual. leafsky. cloudsky. and so on. not in front of other clans, though, who would interpret it as extremely disrespectful, both to the leader and to starclan.

[5]: to be clear, i did this not to justify naming choices, but because i thought it worth my time to spend an hour (holy shit i can’t believe i’ve done this for an hour) writing lore about various names. i try to ground these things in canon, but this is for wing & feather (i.e., jaywing and dovefeather world building), so i don’t mind changing things. i don’t want to change names if i can help it, though. that said, when people say the old names were good: come on, man, i love bluestar’s prophecy, but really? bluefur and snowfur? i guess that means i have to say thunderclan is literal in their names.

[seasidewriter1-writes]

Replying to @elizabeth0020 for: Hello!! I’ve always wondered how you decide what arcs/episodes you’re going to write? There are sooooo many, how do you know what’s a good one for your story vs one that isn’t? And a second question (if you feel like answering lol): how do you picture all the details you wrote? Like lighting, movements, facial expression etc? You’re so good at that and I’ve always been amazed at how you come up with them!

I love answering anything and everything, so never worry about sending me too much! I don’t often get to talk about the technical stuff (like the questions you’ve asked), so I love getting any chance I have to talk about them! (So hold on tight, ‘cause this is a ramble! 😂)

So, for the first question regarding the arcs... I picked out what episodes/arcs I thought were beneficial when I did my first watch through of the Clone Wars this past summer. I had a google doc that I wrote down all the episode names in, then jotted down the preliminary ideas. Let me tell you, with a show that has seven seasons of 20+ episodes, it was... so daunting to even think about narrowing down what episodes and arcs to use. It was what initially deterred me from using any of them at all. So I started to look for things that I felt would directly impact Elara, her character, and her development. For example, I didn’t really use all of “Cat and Mouse” because the episode, on a whole, wouldn’t have Elara much involved in it. It did, however, provide a wonderful backdrop for her time on Christophsis, which is why I didn’t nix it entirely. Aside from forcing Obi-Wan and Elara to be tied together, “Dooku Captured” and “The Gungan General” were used to introduce her to Hondo, whom both allows her to be more playful, and showcases her knowledge of the seedier side of the galaxy. And there are plenty of episodes that I love and adore that I just... don’t think would fit. For as much as I love “Senate Spy” and the introduction of Clovis, there’s no way for me to put Elara into that episode and not have it feel forced. That’s another huge thing I look for when picking episodes; if Elara doesn’t feel like she would naturally fit into the storyline somehow, even if it’s indirectly, I’m not going to force her into it. That’s when I do things like mention the events of the episode in a chapter (like with “Clone Cadets”) instead of doing a whole episode. So Clovis is obviously going to get a mention (she’s Anakin’s sister and Padmé’s bestie, of course she’s going to hear about the debacle), but the whole episode won’t be written out.

Then, of course, you have the arcs. The ones that I had immediately chosen are (and these probably come as no surprise): Ryloth, Mandalore, Mortis, Slavers, and Deception. The arcs I find easier to choose because you have a chance to work with more surface area so to speak. It gives me a chance to really flesh out Elara’s part in the story, focus in on her and her emotions and how she’s tied to this particular plot. With the Mortis Arc, for example––Elara is a Skywalker. She is strong with the Force, and in the “Balance” verse, considered a Chosen One. That ties her into the Mortis Arc very interestingly, since it’s not just Anakin going God Mode. It’s going to lend me the chance to really dig deep into Elara, her connection to the Force, to the Light and Dark (the Daughter and Son), and her relationship to being a Chosen One. At first I was like ‘holy shit I’m never gonna be able to do this arc,’ and then when I buckled down and really thought it over... I realized it’s going to be really important for her as a character, and particularly her relationship with Anakin (stay tuned!). It also probably comes as no surprise that a lot of the arcs (and episodes) that get picked are influenced by whether or not Anakin or Obi-Wan are in them. Which is why I almost turned a blind eye to the Umbara Arc until someone brought it up. I did a rewatch of it and knew I had to include it, too. Because that’s going to be an awesome opportunity to flesh out how close Elara is to the 442nd, and be able to contrast her ideals as a General against those of Krell. A lot of the picking of episodes and arcs ends up being trial and error. I wrote the first four-ish pages of “Clone Cadets” before I realized it just didn’t flow right.

All this being said, I like to envision Elara is around for all of the Clone Wars episodes, so I’ve got lots of fun little random snippets for things that I’ll probably never write, but figure would happen in some part of a CW episode.

And after all that, here we finally are at your second question! ☺️

Coming up with all those small details is actually an amalgamation of things at work. I do attribute a lot of it to my training as an actor/theatre artist. I think about how, if I were directing it, how I’d want the movements to look, and how that would translate on both a small scale, and a large scale. A touch of a hand for Obi-Wan and Elara can feel like a world shifting movement––but come off as nothing but a simple, friendly gesture to their fellows. On a small scale, what makes the difference is the way the touch happens. How light the pressure of the touch is, how long it lasts, how slowly their fingers brush against the other person’s hand... all those things help me figure out the mood of that touch and how they’d respond to it. Also, when choosing words to describe movements I often think about the attitude attached to it. A ‘turn of the head’ when Anakin’s being moody may end up being a ‘swivel,’ or the ‘arch’ of an eyebrow from Obi-Wan is more sarcastic than a gentler ‘raise.’ I often agonize picking out those sorts of words. I’ll sit there and try them over and over again, then put them all into a Thesaurus website because I worry I use the same words too much. The thesaurus (particularly when writing Obi-Wan), is my best friend.

When I write mannerisms for canon characters, I use a lot of reference for. I’ll literally just scroll through gifs, watch movie clips, or rewatch the scene I’m writing to pick up on character-specific mannerisms. A couple chapters ago I was describing Anakin’s angry face, and I just looked at images of him from Revenge of the Sith (him alone in the Council room, him being knighted as Vader, his expressions on Mustafar, etc.) I’ll also do this for vocal ticks/inflections. I will also unashamedly admit I will sit there and compose my face into whatever expression I’m trying to describe. Sometimes feeling it physically, or physically composing it helps me come up with words or ways to describe the look. Same thing with touches AND with vocal inflection. Do I sit by myself and read what I’ve written aloud in my best Obi-Wan Kenobi cadence? Yes, yes I do. And has it helped me figure out what words/phrases do and do not work? Yes, it absolutely has!

Also, a lot of describing the details of motion/facial expression/touch gets affected by music for me. Like, if you listen to “Stairway to Heaven” as played by the London Philharmonic Orchestra while reading, say, the scene in “The Gungan General” where Obi-Wan and Elara wake up pressed up to one another... that song is just THE feel of that moment. Listening to the right music when writing (the little details especially) is big for me. Kinda like how “Blue Monday” is the music that works best for the bunker scene in “Storm Over Ryloth.”

There are also a lot of details that I pull from real life. I remember when I wrote Elara seeing Naboo for the first time—and consequently grass, trees, and flowers, too—it was summer time for me. I was staring out at the trees and the way the light filtered through them, watched how they swayed... the grass had just been cut and the breeze smelled sweet... and I was like ‘god, imagine experiencing this all for the first time.’ So I took what I felt and elevated it a little, tried to add a kind of wonder to the things that we all, for the most part, kinda take for granted. I like pulling on experiences I’ve had in real life as a basis.

I ask attribute a LOT of my detail work to my training as a theatre artist. I think about lighting now differently than I did a couple years ago; because I learned what kinda of light fit different moods. Like the scene of Obi-Wan at Dex’s would feel completely different if I’d described the light as cool toned. It would lack a sense of hope. His reminiscences would be sadder, it would feel more stark. The warmer tones suggest that there’s still heart and hope, a possibility for things to get better, and that reflects his inner life better than colder, bluer light. Or how I used light when I wrote Elara seeing Watto again after 10 years to describe her struggle between Dark and Light in that moment. She stepped out of the sun and into the shade because, for a moment, she almost gave in to the Darkness. (Inspired by the scene in Force Awakens where Kylo asks for Han’s help and the light shines down on them... with hints of red low lighting to hint at the struggle... only to have the light disappear as he overrides his own vulnerability, reverts to the Darkness and kills his own father).

I also love using physical objects as emotional triggers, like is done in theatre quite a bit. A good recent example being Elara’s lightsaber. Obi-Wan having it reminds him of his worries regarding her safety, and his struggle with choosing what path to take in regards to his feelings towards her. Or Elara with the Snow Blossom. These things have the ability to spark different emotions depending on the situation. On a good day, the Snow Blossom will make her smile; on a bad day, it may make her feel more sad than happy. And sometimes they don’t have to be objects—they can be bruises or scars or healing wounds. Having something physical spark an emotional response can be really helpful, and has actually helped me though rough spots in my writing.

I could literally go on for hours about all of this kind of stuff! So thank you for asking about it and giving me a chance to discuss it even a little bit! ☺️