#hes a fucking tree at this point
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Just a little snippet of an old idea. May write on it more later, I'm really proud of how this came out!
"So, Mr. And Mr. Mason, I take it?" A young woman who looked to be in her early 40's asked. She was holding a clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other. She wore an old washed-out jacket with flowers printed on the back, and a pleated skirt that reached her knees. The boys could hear the click of her heels as she led them upstairs through the apartment building.
Seven involuntarily felt his face heat up, he wasn't sure what to say exactly. She thought they were married? I mean, he can't blame her. They *were* moving into an apartment together after all. To anyone else they could easily be mistaken as a couple. *Maybe.* But married???
Not that Seven would mind if–
"Oh! Uh, n-no, w-we're not– he's Fellon, and *I'm* Mason." Mono mumbled, scratching at the back of his head nervously. Seven thought it was kind of cute whenever Mono got nervous. Wait, that sounded gay. Is he gay?
It's not like Seven had *time* to explore his sexuality. When there're giant monsters that stop at nothing to kill you, who you have the hots for isn't really a top priority for most people.
But it's different now. They've grown up, and the Signal Tower doesn't exist anymore. Life was finally going back to normal. With nothing left to fear, Seven is finally able to relax. Mostly, he found himself thinking.
Thinking. That was the problem. Beforehand Seven didn't have time to stop and think, because he was always running from danger. But now, Seven has *time* to think, and lately, he's been thinking of Mono. A lot. Way more than is typically normal for a person to think of another person who they deem a friend.
He doesn't know what changed, Mono's been by his side since they were little. So why now is he having these thoughts? Thoughts that he's *way* too embarrassed to say out loud. Like how much Mono's smile may be the best thing he's ever had the pleasure of seeing. Or how those dark eyes remind him of the night sky, sparkling with millions of stars.
AH! SEE?! there he goes again! Maybe it's just stupid teenage hormones and typical infutation, but something tells him that it's not, that it's something *more.*
–And that scared the shit out of him.
#little nightmares#little nightmares runaway kid#little nightmares mono#seven and mono are both 18#this is technically an au#the signal tower doesn't exist#it died#hooray!#mono is fascinated by microwaves and modern technology#more on that later#sevens last name is fellon#monos last name is mason#seven? having a gay crisis on MY tumblr?#its more likely than you think!#seven is PINING#hes a fucking tree at this point
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Okay so with the line "the olive tree where we first met" we have two equal hilarious options.
When penelope was sassily like oh I'll marry you if you make a living bed out of this tree right here! Cue penelope stumbling over odysseus very very carefully digging up the tree "because how else is he going to get it to itacha we can't have a wedding bed out in the open in sparta duh"
Or
2. Penelope, knowing that Helen's suitors would soon be arriving to take over her home for a while. Snuck out and went on her own wacky shenanigan filled journey where she scoped out all the major players. Odysseus caught her spying in an olive tree. And when she got back she told Helen she had dibs on the cutie from itacha.
#epic the musical#epic spoilers#Itacha saga#penelope#Odysseus#Odypen#odysseus x penelope#Young odypen courting was filled with wacky nonsense basically canon confrimed#The line “....where we first met” implying that they first met under that specific olive tree#Which has to have some absolutely insane logistics that only odypen (and maybe Athena) could pull off#Odypen being 🥰 🤝 rat bastards in love#Option one odysseus Athena please please please helpppp me pen said she'd only marry me if I made a wedding bed out of this tree#Athena: once again I think you are praying to the wrong person but fuck it how do you think you're going to keep that tree alive#Odysseus: ....a large bucket?#Athena gimme a sec okay I need to go have ares bash my skull in before I watch something this stupid#Athena: checking in on penelope her chosen weaver only for her to be pulling her hair out#Penelope (to her cousins): why did I fucking say that! Beating fathers already an impossible challenge why did I say that#He's going to think I was making fun of him! He's not going to want to marry me now!#Helen: weren't you? Making fun of him?#Penelope: That's not the point!#clytemnestra: Hey he's digging the tree up and has the biggest bucket I've ever seen#Penelope: what?! Trips over every item in the room and gets tangled in her curtains blushing like crazy#Athena: ....it's been a while since I checked up on diomedes training. He'd never put me through this nonsense#Option 2#Helen's maybe a little nervous and wants to know more about who she has to potentially marry and penelope promises her she'll get rundown#Helen did not expect penelope to disappear but she probably should have....it'll probably be fine. Right?#Some kings penlope just straight up greets some she stays hidden and spies#Odysseus is the only one who catches her (he trains woth Athena in the olive Grove#She was not happy when odysseus nearly tripped onto her spear point face first when he saw the strange pretty girl)#And odysseus who's been king for a few years now knows every lady's face because he'll probably have to marry one of them someday
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i’ve yapped before about girl dad Wars but guys, guys:
Girl dad Time.
#‘dad daughter bonding’ with Time but he just takes his kids out to the fucking woods and they’re like#‘gee dad this is- odd-‘#and he’s like ‘no kids my father was a tree this is ur uncle’ *points at random tree just to mess with them*#linked universe#linkeduniverse#lu time#jes talks#i cant tell how serious i am about this i am half awake
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Begging people who join the cod fandom and want to write fanfics; to read the wiki pages of the characters and watch cutscenes of the campaigns (they r free to watch on youtube)
The characters dont have much to go on to begin with, but they still have personalities that are very different from one another thats important to capture in your stories.
Theres been so many times ive seen writers put in their author note that they havent watched any campaigns and they are just going off on other fanfics, like, its so annoying. I end up reading the fics and they are extremely OOC that at this point its just an OC with Simons face on it or something.
Its ok to not know much about them in the beginning and get things wrong, and its ok to have headcanons that might be a bit ooc, (i do too!) but still having the personality and depth there that i can recognize that this is Ghost and this is Gaz etc.
So if you’re gonna put in effort to write a 5k+ fanfic, then u have time to read their wikis instead of depending on a few tiktok edits lmao
#like sorry if this sounds rude but idc at this point#im so tired of ppl mischaracterizing them so much#like soap isnt a skinny golden retriever sunshine dude guys#hes actually a very smart skilled guy#who is also often times very pissed off if u actually watched the campaigns#hes fucking ANGRY and hes thick as a tree trunk too#call of duty#cod#cod fandom#call of duty soap#call of duty ghost#johnny soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#captain john price#captain price#gaz garrick#kyle gaz garrick#cod gaz#cod captain price#ghoap#cod x reader#cod ghost#cod soap
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The Bridgerton boys really are all hoes.
Anthony - the ‘so intense it makes him stupid’ hoe
Benedict - the ‘hoe for a good cause’
Colin - the ‘self-absorbed, dumb of ass’ hoe
#in this rewatch my oldest sibling senses light up like a fucking christmas tree every time Colin opens his mouth#like honey you need to be taken down a peg or six and I volunteer to do the honors#benedict’s hoe-ness just makes him sweet#like yeah you funky lil bisexual sweetheart embrace your hoe ass#i sympathize with (but do not excuse) anthony bc the weight of being the one chaotic sexy to rule them all truly is a calling#anthony bridgerton is everything chaotic bisexual eldest children strive to be:#filled with YearningTM and RAGE#but literally most of anthony’s decisions got me muttering ‘hoe don’t do it’ and then me suffering as i watch the hoe in fact do it#colin’s currently (circa early S2) just a fucking douche canoe bc he is still a teenage boy#he just needs someone to take him out at the kneecaps#and again I’m volunteering#benedict’s hoe-ness does no harm to anybody and mostly manifests as an adorable ‘clueless but ready to learn’ himbo air#Colin’s ignorant and anthony’s just comprised of rage and spite at this point#bridgerton#bridgerton brothers#no comment on gregory bc while I’m sure he’ll develop his own strain of hoe-ness I won’t make assumptions#anthony bridgerton#benedict bridgerton#colin bridgerton#bridgerton siblings
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Bro I hate fundamentalists and culturally-fundie parents they'll say shit like "spare the rod spoil the child am I right haha yea my parents used to have to beat my ass with a switch almost everyday but I sure did learn my lesson" but like??? no you didn't??? you were hit multiple times for something you very obviously did not, in fact, learn
Like studies about how harmful even lightly spanking children is aside, you're literally contradicting yourself?? Some even admitted they got worse as they got older cause they wanted to see how far they could push their parents before they got punished
And studies not aside, you're gonna get child raising advice from the same book that tells you to stone your wife if her hymen doesn't break on your wedding night instead of the decades of research we have now?? Just say you're a bad parent and move on my guy. Skill issue
#bro I had a coworker go 'unpopular opinion I think some kids really do need beatings' and I'm like????#unprompted???? what's going on there????#well anyways I ended up going 'yea so I plan on specializing in play therapy with autistic children so I've been learning about talking#to children and the ways their parents and environment affects them'#and they're like hmmm but beating this kid with a stick after they broke something or I upset them to the point of yelling is good actually#had a boss say it taught him and his kids respect cause they were hard-headed#and I'm like?? that's fear not respect! they fear punishment! they do not act out of respect for you!#he's a conservative christian black man tho so he's like 'But Authority!' like bro I don't even respect you what are you on about#'You don't respect police and their authority?' Nope! I fear them! I do not respect cops and every cop/cop-adjacent person I personally know#has reinforced that for me#'We'll agree to disagree' Cool! Doesn't mean you're not wrong! I could believe trees aren't real but that is in fact incorrect#then he pulled out the bible verse and I was like ah okay I forgot you like 'here's how to treat slaves' book you're so right bestie#I'm totally wrong now and so sorry for doubting you and your 2000+ year old book I don't believe in <3#They'd go 'well I turned out fine!' then say something that directly contradicts that#anyways I need christians to get their grubby little hands off the current state of Child Protection and Rights in the U.S.#So we can actually start working on helping kids without the force of christian hands suffocating them#cause homeschooling and child raising by evangelicals are so fucked up bro I'm tired of this shit#I'd only stay in my current state to help children get out of that cycle since I'm in the bible belt#ex christian#religious trauma#child abuse tw
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idgaf if this is crazy to say but i'd fuck oliver if he was dressed up as santa btw. i'd sit in his lap telling him what i want for christmas in a lewd and playful way and i want him to be surprised by it for a sec and then play along too well
#idgaf im not apologizing for this#LMFAO ofc i want him to tell me i've been naughty in a cheap beard HELLO ? its oliver...#we WILL be rocking around the christmas tree at the christmas party hop! iykwim type shit#i'm so serious too#ss coded too bc he would laugh and be playful w me tell me it wouldnt be fun . DONT LIE#and it might be one of the best fucks we've had im ngl#he'd dress up for an event yk where there's kids going to meet him and then after he finishes and i come to see him i tell him wait.#stay there.#and i think he'd at first take it innocently SHOCKINGLY cuz i get too shy to ever do shit like this. a hand at my hip like#'oh? and what would you like for christmas?' when its just us and everyone went home#and i'd smirk and do that finger pointing at his chest yk in the movies. and he'd be surprised for a sec like... ohhh... i see...#OK ILL SHUT UP LMFAOOOOOOOO#sora.txt
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this “woman” he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)“ and I'd be like ”good for them?“ ”stop“#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
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finally caved and started reading all for the game. two chapters into the foxhole court and what kind of gay fucking shit is this! also did not know there were sports in here
#idk whats going on i thought it was like the raven cycle with magic and shit its called the foxhole court??? no fae???? what the fuck!!!#and i cant understand whats happening with the sports. i didnt get it. i hope i dont need to i just know kevin is top dog of the bad dogs#neil is mid mid except hes got a death wish so they want him carnally???#ill be reading it super slowly bc im busy but i can feel it slowly turning up the heat on my brain cells as i read. they are burning.#ive got naught but ten#and neil's not neil but he is and he has a bag of secrets he's hiding in someone else's closet like okayyyy go off author fuck whats the#authors name.... nora sakavic FUCK I SHOULDVE KNOWN NEVER TO TRUST A WOMAN NAMED NORA#i dont know...i dont know.... but also the only gay neil i know is the one from dead poets society and its hard to separate the two rn#is the rest of the book going to be like this what did i get myself into. am i mentally prepared#bc i wasnt for trc and it FUCKED! ME! UP! im STILL insane#ugh. ugh. anyway. way gayer than expected. also at one point someone asks ''how safe is safe'' and MY DISAPPOINTMENT#when the answer wasnt safe as life? immeasurable. in fact i had to close the book. went to study accounting.#ACCOUNTING. HELLO?? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME IN HERE???#the tree speaks#all for the game#aftg#what are yalls tags?#neil josten#the raven cycle#trc
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That moment you realize that, technically, Radovid is more of "elven blood" than Ciri herself is...
I've also noticed that Radovid would never have been Prince, much less King, if it wasn't for Falka's rebellion.
Since I didn't put all the children's names in the family tree (only those that inherited the throne), basically, what happened is that Radovid III and Vizimir I were brothers, and Radovid III inherited the throne after their father, Radovid II, was lost at sea.
When Radovid III died of meningitis at age 49, his son, Vridank, became King.
King Vridank had a daughter, named Falka, with Beatrix of Kovir, but divorced her when he fell in love with Cerro, and sent her and their daughter back to Kovir.
King Vridank and Cerro then had two sons together:
- Prince Heltmult, and
- Prince Denhard.
They also adopted Riannon, the daughter of Lara Dorren and Cregennan of Lod (Ciri's ancestors).
So, normally, after King Vridank's death, Prince Heltmult or Prince Denhard should have inherited the throne (depending on which one was the eldest).
But Falka murdered her father, Queen Cerro, and the two princes during her rebellion, and caused Riannon to go mad (plus, she was already married to the King of Temeria at the time).
So, the still living uncle of King Vridank, Vizimir I, inherited the throne from his nephew at age 52, and went on to rule until he was 96!
And King Vizimir I is the ruler that Vizimir II and Radovid V both descend from.
Then, there's also the whole story with their father, King Heribert, having chosen to marry a noblewoman against his father's wishes, with the clerk having documented the union as a morganatic marriage.
So technically, had that note on the marriage documents been respected, Prince Vizimir II and Prince Radovid V should never have been allowed to inherit the throne...
But their mother apparently did something to that note to make it look like it was just some scribble on an old dusty document or something...
I don't know if either princes were ever told of it, though.
Could you imagine Radovid finding out, and showing up with the documents proving that his father and mother's morganatic marriage was meant to prevent any child of hers from inheriting anything from their father and going "Sorry! According to this I can't be king! Bye everyone! I'm out!"
#Radovid#Jaskier#Radskier#Ciri#Cirilla of Cintra#Redanian monarchy family tree#With part of Ciri's as well...#Prince Heribert: Imma marry a noblewoman! I don't care what dad says I don't want a political marriage I wanna marry for LOOOVE#(or maybe because she had nice tits! I dunno!)#King Radovid V: Imma marry a viscount! I know he's a man but fuck it! I'm the King I make the rules and I wanna marry for LOOOVE...#(and also he's got really nice tits! You know?)#My Posts#My Stuff#Except for that last gif that I've shamelessly borrowed but it's for a good cause!#Thanks#endiness#(Seriously at some point I think I'll just get on your blog and massively reblog all those sets they're awesome!)
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PIA ZOEBELLADONA YOU ARE SO RIGHT !!!! the thaluke goggles NEED to be on. personally, i think it is entirely possible that luke knew about the fleece bc he had researched it priorly to attempt to save thalia from the fate she had been subjected to by zeus. the luke goes on a quest for the fleece is too real of a possibility if you ask me 😵💫
in canon i cannot decide if luke knew or not that the fleece could bring thalia back. if he didn't i see it this way: luke poisons thalia's tree so chb is given a quest to get the golden fleece so he can get the golden fleece and revive kronos, he always planned to let the questers take the fleece back after he was done with it because he wouldn't have let thalia's tree die that was never his objective, he did not want to kill thalia. if he did it's like you said: he poisons thalia's tree in a bit of a desperate attempt to find a magical object that, after doing some research, he realises can not only revive kronos but bring thalia back. did he blindly believe she would side with him? probably. but the point stays the same: luke did not plan to let thalia die, if she came back it was a bonus, he could not let thalia die.
which leads to my "luke goes on the fleece quest" fic. it's an au where luke does not join kronos and in a desperate attempt to free thalia from her fate he poisons her tree to be given a quest for the one object that could save her ✨️
#this is a personal gripe i have but i really cannot deal with the way luke is written in som#i remember very vividly that moment where he threatens to like. let his bodyguards crush annabeth and grover#y eso a mí no da idk#i really Really think rick should have leaned heavier on how annabeth and luke were basically siblings#i feel sometimes richard leaned too heavily into making luke cartoonishly evil#pero bueno no venimos a eso 🫶#also if luke at any point in som mentions he doesn't give a fuck about thalia's tree. i have not reread the book in a bit but...#i pretend i do not see 🫶#answered#pjo#thaluke#.txt
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I have to write a relatively long German paper, and man its just so difficult for me. The pro side is that I can pick any topic I want, so of course I picked Charles VI. But I've literally not written any German in months, and I'm almost 100% sure our prof doesn't actually read them. I should just write and submit boy king fic....
#i wish it was in English#bcs i would be very happy about it#but i have lost so much capacity for any German writing#bcs he sucks so much as a prof and has dropped the ball on actual language learning imo#how am i supposed to suddenly write a 7-8 pg paper after youve spent all our class time just lecturing at us#and giving us no real opportunity to really learn or test our skills#i shall.. probably just cheat.#LIKE i want to learn german so badly#but what the fuck is the point of even trying when i know im not going to get actual feedback on my writing#why should i even try at that point. put that much effort in and know that he doesnt really care at all#it just sucks so much bcs i genuinely love and am so fascinated w the topic#but the idea that id put so much work into translating it only for him not to read it really kills me#again. just submit boy king fic and see if he notices sjfkgllblb#but do you know what i mean? like im sure ill write a good version in english that i think is actual good content#but translating it is such a lost cause bcs all the effort is reallt for nothing#like atp im jusy interested in the history more than making an effort w the language#ugh i wish i wasnt this way but yknow lack of stimulation anf feedback really kills my enjoyment and interest#like see i can convince myself that thr eng version of teh paper is my typical personal research#<- i mean im making a fucking family tree for funsies so this isnt that far off#but the translation part is so difficult bcs my german has been eroding a bit SOB SOB#lol anyways i say this bcs i was plotting a boy king fic in my head as i was goong to bed#and was like oh i shoulf write it out tmr! and then remembered I HAVE AN ESSAY UGH#well yeah. suffering. we'll see how i feel abt i write the original copy and if i have the capacity to germanify it#i just feel so guilty about it. cheating. I dont want to and it feels so low effort and terrible#but why would i force myself thru all that for a guy who barely reads it#catie.rambling.txt
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and today in sometimes i write shit that fucks me up for weeks: time travel au steve & trees
Steve gets up. Goes into his room — not his room at all, it’s not his home, it’s not his — knowing Hopper won’t follow him, locks the door knowing El will unlock it if she needs him, and crawls under the blanket. He doesn’t cry, just curls up and lies there in numb misery of feeling too much, thinking too much, knowing too much, and not having the right words to express anything.
The air under the blanket gets too warm to really be comfortable, but he doesn’t want to move. He’s turned into a tree again, as El would put it. Another pang of guilt and misery runs through him, because he doesn’t want to be fucked up like that, fucked up enough for a child to call him a tree because he loses his reality a lot; but then the thought of being a tree almost feels so relieving it makes him want to cry.
Because trees don’t think about their friends dying. Killed. Murdered. By forces greater than this world’s imagination. Trees don’t watch the blood seeping from them over and over again until they lose their minds and go into shock that this world doesn’t support, instead tugging him back and forth until all there is is nothingness, because there is no time to think or feel or process, and once there is time, there is too much to even start. And no one to talk to about it. No one to listen.
If he could turn into a tree and never have a single thought again, he would without hesitation.
But he can’t, so he thinks, and the thinks until he falls asleep and the thoughts turn into memories morphed with fears until it’s Steve who kills them. Steve who fails. And Steve who does it over and over again. In the Upside Down, in Eddie’s trailer, at school, in Mike’s basement.
It’s Steve. Like it was Billy.
[…]
Walking on legs that haven’t quite accommodated to being upright yet, stiff and heavy in the dark of night, Steve makes his way through the forest, tumbling and stumbling, but never enough to make him stop. He’s heaving breaths now, willing the cold air into his lungs to stop everything from feeling so wrong, to break through the haze and the fog and the cotton, to pierce his insides with little pinpricks of ice as December is fast approaching. It only serves to make him more dizzy, his head spinning, glowing spots of black and white appearing in his field of vision until he leans against a tree, catching his breath and holding it.
Holding onto it with whimpers and wheezes and pathetic little groans that make him want to scream. He punches the tree, his hand numb with pain upon impact, his knuckles stiff and scraped up; bloody, even in the pitch black darkness.
Bloody. His hands are always bloody. It stains them, has seeped into his skin, like a reverse tattoo that only he can see. This, though… This is real. It’s his blood.
And so he punches again. And again, until his breath has evened out, and the pain has moved from his arm and his side over to his hand. Over to something real.
He flexes his fingers and watches them, can barely make out their shape, and focuses on the pull of his skin, the scrapes making it feel too tight — but in a real way. In a way that… he’s not going crazy. It’s real. It’s all real. And it’s burning, sizzling along with all of that anger, the grief, the confusion, the complete and utter fucking lostness. The loneliness.
Steve punches the tree one more time, then turns around to put more distance between him and familiar walls and stale air and worried glances so heavy they slowly scrape away the scar tissue growing over all those rawest of feelings.
He walks and walks without direction or destination, simply placing one foot in front of the other as his racing heart calms down and he is overcome with an absolute, all-consuming kind of exhaustion that makes him sway the very second he stops. His eyes are getting heavy, like his body is slowly coming to the realisation that his beside clock said 3:38 a.m. and that he hasn’t slept through the night for some days now, or maybe weeks, always awoken by nightmares — on days that he even dared to fall asleep.
No one should have to feel this kind of exhaustion, Steve thinks. Even after the Russians, after torture and fighting and more torture, followed by running and more running and almost dying in a car crash and then in a fire… Even after all that, he wasn’t as exhausted as he feels right now.
Probably because back then, he had Robin. Robin who would hold his hand, Robin who would share a glance with him and resuscitate everything that died inside of him with just one brave little smile.
God, she was so brave.
Steve leans against a tree, closing his eyes for just one second as he pictures Robin — alive and smiling and determined. Robin, in the passenger seat of his car at ass o’clock in the morning, grumpy and tired, leaning in to give him a hug hello and a hug goodbye. Robin, who would roll her eyes at his antics, his insecurities and his worries — Robin, who would explain hours later, her hand in his, that he had no reason to doubt or worry. That he was fine. That he was perfect. That everything else would slot into place soon and be perfect for him, too. Payback, she’d called it.
Payback, he thinks now as he heaves another breath, willing it through his constricted throat, and just barely keeping himself from screaming. Payback, because he failed. Payback, because he watched her die and nothing, nothing good will ever come out of that.
As much as he will try to save her, she will always have died. As much as he can try to keep her safe this time around, he will always have failed her.
That’s nothing he can take back. Ever. Nothing he can fix. Nothing he can make un-happen.
It’s the cruellest constant.
One that won’t leave him alone. One that won’t let him sleep at night, one that won’t leave his head even for a minute, flooding his consciousness with memories of blood and failure, weighing down his conscience until he can’t fucking breathe, and—
A sob escapes his throat even as he stumbles forward, continuing on his nonexistent path that feels a lot like running, fleeing from this new life, as though he could magically make his way back to the old one. Because they have died. They’re dead. He watched them. This new world won’t fix that. Won’t fix him. And he doesn’t deserve fixing anyway.
So he runs.
#steve harrington#stranger things#time travel steve#Robin who would share a glance with him and resuscitate everything that died inside of him with just one brave little smile#<- that sentence fucks and even i recognise that okay#and also the imagery of grief and trauma turning you into a tree. stagnant. not moving. but still alive. stood there right where you were#always always standing there. and wishing you weren’t fucked up enough to be likened to a tree#and as a reader pointed out: the duality of steve turning into a tree. and then letting out his anger and grief on a tree#but consequently on himself. in symbolic and literal ways#god isn’t this so fucked up?? isn’t this so messed up?#time travel au#DONT MIND ME i just wanna talk about him and all the symbolism i weave around him all day and all night#nobody could ever accuse me of downplaying platonic stobin in this story bc he is so. he’s so. Lost. without her. she’s all he thinks about#he talks to her still even if she won’t answer. he will not survive school with robin not knowing him. with robin hating him nonetheless
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crossing my fingers that when Nora said "TSC is a love story" she is talking about Jean falling in love with life.
#Let him fall in love with the sun#with the trees he has only seen from a car or a bus going to the next stadium#eating something new that isn't apart of a meal plan#or choosing what he wants to do for the day.#i don't give a fuck about ships that this point just let him heal#aftg#the sunshine court#TSC#nervousdemeanor7saysshit
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im not saying this is canon to me yet or not but. i DO think it would make things interesting if one of the reasons why lleyth and illario don't like each other very much is bc illario tried to shoot his shot at some point in the past and lleyth turned him down HARD. and subsequently bruised his ego 😌 if nothing else it would make me giggle
#💾#like. idk. i could see it happening at some point when they met in the past#where illario tries to turn on the charm and lleyth is just like 💀 haha no. you're funny. lol. lmao even#because there's even times in the game where it seems like he's flirting yk. which is probably less about any interest in lleyth atp#and more about just wanting to take something else from lucanis#bc the fact that the fade prison version of illario in lucanis's head is the one who tells lleyth they deserve better than him. smh#and as much as lleyth is Good at hiding their motives i think it would be easy to spot when they dont like someone if u know the signs#bc they would be very short and curt with illario every time he speaks and any words they have will be dripping with fake politeness#and lleyth was ALSO at the wake so like. god only knows what drunk!illario would have said#which makes it kinda funny that lucanis is a little jealous of illario's charm and 'way with people' bc if lleyth knew that.#they would be like. babe. your cousin has 0 rizz. if he were the last man left alive in thedas i would rather fuck a tree#and i think illario just really would not like that lleyth bruised his ego. that seems like Enough to piss him off#anyway. marry cringemas i got that urge to poast in me
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quick af btw >> you can hate dutch van der linde without calling him an evil snake who eats people..,,,, genuine serious if you think hes a cannibal GET OUT OF HERE
#yall the anti semitism in this room is CRAZYYYY#i see so many people boil his character down to >> greedy selfish money hungry manipulator who feels nothing narcissist#and then i heard there was a CANNIBAL THEORY GUYS PLEASW#points to him.... he has black hair and facial hair thats often shown in jewish charicatures AND a hooked nose..#im not gonna say any of it was exactly intentional or anything im just saying some of yall need to take a step back and think about where#some of these theories are coming from yknow#also cause the cannibal theory holds no ground. his tall trees camp LITERALLY HAS CHICKENS N SHIT RUNNING AROUND AND FUCKING PREDATORS#THAT KILL YOU MID MISSIOON I GOT EATEN BY LIKE 2 BEARS GUYS. PLEASE. HE CAN FUCKING HUNT.#also cause the first character who mentions being eaten by dutchs gang (which are mostly native americans btw) is the hyper racist professo#who only says it CUASE HES RACIST ASF guys please. please. idgaf theres bones under a chair theyre ANIMAL BONES he has DEER AND ELK SKULLS#EVERYWHERE GUYS. there are cannibals in rdr1 they established using an arm model for them. BUT ANYWAY im getting off track#you can hate him idgaf#this is a reminder that you dont even need a reason to hate a character you can just hate them#dutch van der linde#i will tag him idgaf i think its important enough
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