#so wait was spit really just out of ritalin...?

[universalthaumaturge]

so. chapter 5 huh.

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

[nancydrew65]

SKAM NL Season 2 Episode 1 Recap

Time for my favorite remake! I love Liv and the Dutch girl squad, so I am excited for this season!

Good Morning

Well, this has got to be the best season 2 opening sequence ever. It’s also a completely new scene, so yay! I love the comparisons between Liv and Noah’s morning routines.

Aaaah, the parallel shots of them painting their nails. Noah really is the epitome of an artsy fuckboy.

And then the music cuts out when Liv sees Noah. “What the fuck are you doing here?�� Liv is already more aggressive than Noora, and not gonna lie, I am here for it.

Also, how does Noah know where Liv lives? Isn’t that slightly creepy?

The older lady, walking in between them just made my day.

Awww, they flipped each other off? Are they going to be like Mia and Alexander where using middle finger becomes their sweet romantic gesture? I hope so!

And damn, Noah had to really run down those stairs to catch Liv. He is out of breath. I wonder if the actor (is his name Monk?) actually ran down the stairs. If so, props to him.

Liv rides off into the distance on her bike, and so begins Season 2.

Too Late

Those opening shots were everything! And then it cuts back to the reality with the bell. 

Oh, Kes. I see you winking at Isa, I see you.

Again with the story about Imaan and her oma. Do we know what happened to the actress? Because that is a really obvious excuse, and I remember last season she wasn’t in as many of the scenes. Please let us not lose Imaan. Pleeeease!

Another ignorant remark on behalf of Engel. But I can kinda tolerate it with her. She was the Vilde who seemed more interested in connecting with Imaan, even if she went about it the wrong way.

Janna’s weird conversation about flashers made me smile so much.

Oh, Noah comments of Liv’s hair and she immediately takes her hairband out.

Engel thinks he’s looking at her. Oh, how I wish we wouldn’t go into this storyline. It’s awful for everyone, except maybe William/Noah.

Who is this Jayden guy? Was he the one who came to the cabin trip? Why does he need to move somewhere? I guess he ends up living with Liv. It still feels kind of weird. I wish Skam NL would have given us a little more information on that matter.

Skinny Bitch

Wow, that is one hopping house party! I’m with Liv, “on a Thursday?”

We see Dutch Eskild, his name is Ralph. 

Isa and Kes check out girls on a dating app. Oh, they are so drunk. So, I guess this is kind of like that scene from Season 2 in OG, but ..... not. 

Jayden trying to pick up a girl in his closet of a room is kinda funny.

Oh, dear. Skinny Bitch. In Season 1, Skam NL didn’t really go into Engel having an eating disorder, so I wondered if she would develop one this season. I guess, she will. 

Isa and Liv spy Lucas and a random girl making out. “I guess he was just curious?” I don’t think so, Liv, I don’t think so.

Liv takes out the garbage and promptly drops it right outside of her door. Is that a thing in the Netherlands. Like if you live in an apartment complex, is there someone who picks up the garbage from your front door? I hope so because she just left it there.

I do like that moment where she just gazes out at the city. I wonder where Noah and Liv will go for that whole “first date” because Liv already has a fantastic view from her apartment. Or maybe they won’t go with that storyline? Please, please.

Aww, Liv happily watching all the girl squad out on the floor like a proud mom. And then she goes to join them to dance. What a sweet clip.

Brakkiekakkie

I won’t even pretend to understand what the title of this clip means.

Janna spitting nuts into a planter box while all the other girls are just trying not to vomit.

The girls are waiting for Jayden. That’s sweet. He is a new addition to the story, so I wonder how he will fit into Season 2 madness.

We meet Esra! Look at SKAM NL, casually throwing in diversity. I’m proud of my little remake. I’m guessing Esra is the equivelant of Linn? She seems cool and way more helpful than Linn ever was. 

Was there a spark between Esra and Janna? Am I imagining things? That would be a really interesting storyline to pursue. A lesbian romance with a Muslim.

That far off shot of the girls at the balcony, the camera sliding across all the girls in the classroom. SKAM NL is experimenting with all these stylistic shots and I am loving it. They give the show a very distinctive feel, while still remaining very authentic. Just how SKAM should be.

So, the girls need to throw together a benefit to raise money for their city trip. Cool, gives the season a focus. Also, Isa correcting her pronunciation of Talinn was a cute callback to season 1 when Imaan schooled all the girls in how to pronounce it. But that just reminds me of how we are missing Imaan. Bring! Her! Back!

Oh, that text from Noah. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there this morning.” It is kind of stalkerish that he is showing up at her door every morning, but also kind of sweet? Like William only ever harassed Noora through texts. Showing up at someone’s house, day after day, seems more sincere. Or just more like a horror movie, IDK.

Lucas being smooth with the ladies. Although I’m not quite sure why Engel had that face when he walked over to the girls. Was it because they were talking about him?

“He’s a chick magnet” “I wouldn’t be so sure of that” Damn, that was savage Isa. 

It Will Be Alright

Isa, Kes, Lucas, and Jayden killed me with those whale sounds. They are so stoned; at least its a Saturday.

Also, Isa is actively participating. So, I guess she was only mad that Kes and Jayden dealed Ritalin last season. I mean that makes sense. Dealing prescription drugs is a lot more dangerous than smoking weed.

This is more of a relationship with her parents than we saw from Noora. Her dad seems more interested in the state of Liv’s music career than he does about how his daughter is doing. Maybe he’s a big shot in the music industry and that’s why he has no time for her?

Oh, clearly Liv’s dad thinks she has already submitted her music to the record company, but Liv is too afraid of rejection and has held off on it.

I think this is really interesting. We get to see more of Liv’s passion for music. I really hope they develop this storyline more, especially considering Zoe Love Smith, Liv’s actress is a singer in real life. 

Almost Finished

Aww, that quick glimpse of a photo of the girl squad. I can’t wait to have more scenes of the girl squad.

That shot of Liv fractured in the two mirrors while speaking along to the lyrics was so beautiful! The cinematography in this show is on point!

Is Ralph in a bunny one-suit? He doesn’t even close the door when he pees. But I agree with Liv; it’s worse that he doesn’t wash his hands afterwards.

Damn, Noah’s twirl! Those were some high-class moves.

Liv is so done with him.

The older lady makes another appearance. She is quickly becoming my favorite character. Theory: She represents the audience and how we should feel about Noah (aka sympathy). Nah, I’m just kidding.

General Thoughts

I really enjoyed this episode! I’m really glad they haven’t got into Noah manipulating Engel to get to Liv. I hope they won’t ever go into that storyline, but that might be too much to hope for. I will say, though, without that element of the story into play, the episode doesn’t have as much of a dramatic arc. Not that I wish they put it in; I much prefer this mellow episode to Noah acting shitty towards Engel. SKAM NL changed up a lot of things. I love that; I am all for remakes exploring new avenues and doing their own thing. I hope they keep changing things up; it makes the viewing experience more exciting. So far, I am not feeling like I want to throw a book at Noah, which is a plus. He seems better than some of the other Williams. I hope he keeps up his good behavior. So, as I was watching I was thinking, “Where’s Noah?” and I saw that a lot of people in the comments of the clips felt the same. And I was struck by a terrible epiphany. We, as a fandom, have come to associate Season 2 with Noorhelm, rather than Noora herself. And I think this is partly due to OG SKAM because they didn’t do a good job making a distinction between the two. Just comparing this episode to SKAM Austin (which I am also watching live), there is an appearance or reference to Daniel in every single clip of episode 1. In SKAM NL, there were two whole clips where Noah was not mentioned once, and one clip where the only reference to him was one text he sent Liv. I think this is great progress and hope that SKAM NL continues this trend and focuses more on Liv as a character rather than her as on half of Lioh (or Noliv. What is their ship name?). I think bringing in her music is a great start. I can’t wait to watch more of this season.

[glopratchet]

retirement-home

e realm of astokahn with blood in the distance You can see a dark figure standing on top of it watching you to consume you, tall grass growing at an alarming speed nearing on which to swallow you delaying the night, warding off the dark In the darkness you can hear something like a heart, beating rapidly and a soft panting signs and orange cones littering the area If you follow woodgrain stickers and arrows, it will lead to astorl's compound blocking the entryway, demanding some viable ids before allowing entrance, or exit blindfolding the eyes that allow light in, band-aids the leave sticky residue on swollen wounds, in a language no one understands int he retirement village showing astorl's flawless fines, astorl comes on the loud speaker mentioning when to eat or drink tubes linked together stopping the spread of disease, creating an atmosphere to non-live in Cp vending machines spitting out cigarettes and alcohol rounding everyone up to sterilization or vaccinate them creating a false drug to repress the population rooms swarmed by delinquents drowning their sorrows away Wall-to-wall windows allow pure natural light through the building with sports-car paint jobs, driving at dangerous speeds inside the retirement village -mounted knights, rushing forward on horses demanding vids from you waiting in the trading post, his bionic implants a must-have performing dopebusts like he has forever in exchange for nothing Skirmishers gambling with fine coins in a nice office guarded by heavily-armed and armored juggernauts stand ready to strike down any who oppose in his chair, preparing do some crowd control Lector giving a sermon to praise astorl anounncing damascus' newest creation on the streets as dissidents and heretics start up a war at the retirement village Bullets chewing through skin This must be the place! face and his terminal you see mercenary captains attempting to persuade and force new recruits to join their army as part of his retirement package Clerics thanking astorl for blessing food and providing clothes with a gas-grenade to quell riots You distract the attention of the automated turrets , as always-watching cameras spotlight you of riflebolts spray around you, and you tumble behind cover to avoid them giving medical exams right now there's a line circling around the building Nurse accepting verbal criticisms grumbling as he wields a rolling-pin with societies ills as he's forced to listen or look at each and every citizen the shadows, wearing white to stand out against colored-clothes prisoners as they are thrown in and out or his armored car Sergeant nearing retirement drinking himself into a stupor every day people using his sleek, new metro medic computer There used to be another agent here, but they refused to play astorl's game any longer his beard while watching eight screens of tv mounted into a composite frame astorl as a hero, superbly painting fake scenes to indoctrinate his citizens Silvershield firing buckshot into car doorsteps the Emperor's wrath upon unsuccessful applicants, so they can repent for their failures people to seperate the criminals from the law-abiding Druglord selling enormous water-pipes to clouds of steamwhippers to avoid jihadi control and bribing the medical inspection officer watching his progress teeth to make the people's smiles more radiant for astorl Sending an agent swishing into the cloakroom, without interrupting your own surveillance is worsening day-by-day for the integrated agent; looking for pretense, he goes from house to house Is this really a surveillance state? agents sweeping trash off the sidewalk and moving on without awaiting their payment of silvershields---patrolling, defending joint interests in the steam-century of tubes overhead individuals ascending into the terminal building, but not friends with local law enforcement citizens traveling the plains actively navigate through defenses, for purpose of civilian safety in blue mingling amongst themselves in a sea of black marble ceremony for an art-deco colonial revival never finished; facing a building-material store are filling the silvery steam-clouds above their city; they look like silverfish in a bowl of milk herself in the sunlight , she smiles to her tiny minions and waves at the buildings -on-sticks excersizing around the kiosks, she loudly says the univeral indication of friendship hall: maroon sofa, wooden table, candlelight---and ever-after understanding they just say what everyone's thinking; what're we going to do? contest juust ended in the underground cafeteria, and three hospitalities workers were disqualified No cameras focused at an average citizen's two-parent, cashier closing the bars by the train depo emponymous a tumbledown frat house fallen into disrepair: mob-dominated pool hall, peeling the paint off their walls at the kiosk buying an iced caffe latte Baking scents wafting through the terminal, as cooks prepare desserts for dinner in hammocks at nightfall: creepy crawlies tentatively crawl the wooden pier buzzing at night; the whirring sound recedes as the lights turn out Grease sticks to fingers in the tunnelman's lunch pail listens over the loudspeaker, breathing in godly instructions Greydancers break-dancing on tape: they watch for a moment, judgmental with strawberry nuts, soggy-soft enough to eat all 15 pages in one bite on scrapbook paper out over three tables; too large for one day He remembers his dreams but you don't; overworked at the plants her infant girlchild, as she fantasizes living in the distant past Rumor holding an outdated truncheon while hiding behind rumormongering -teeth jealous of your immigrant status, but holds respect for law-enforcement lean over; their painted lines maybe haven't been maintained for years Sunlight shining through clear-plastic curtains, oblique onto the grandfather's face to the hangout is too a crowded daycare Spoiled scoundrel, throwing tiny blocks at a foosball opponent congregating in the ratty footstool; nobody yells at lazybones Kindly ferrel cats couple up on a bolt hinge, one squealing desperately sewing-baskets setting up a chair factory in the basement Servers flirt briefly with you before their children call them away from you for the ulcers, served during your three-hour dinner period frantically feeding drinks to patients incapable of swallowing Phosphorescence buried, half-buried under aging coloring books onto your textbook during your lunchbreak; usually you read glossy magazines in the skyrocketing price of nails since the union lost their benefits blowing upwards through the door from afar; somebody hold onto your hat Occasional stranger hugging themselves against hall drafts this time of year drugs for people laughing with it Foodstuffs stirring under a waterproof tarp during afternoon showers drying out in their suture packets on the metal garage shelves Late-sleeper washcloth worn down to a nub in the public restroom faced-players jumping all the way down to pick up a dropped quarter leading into his lounge from the cafeteria's walk-in freezer Streetcleaners sweeping cigarettebutts to prevent slips and falls of trust between employees stealing lunches from each other Let sleeping dogs lie; you don't want to agitate the baggageman leading a gospel sing with deadengine sound effects travelling through the airshafts stacked outside for the next trashday; out for the roaches A book thrown with a thud against the door hitting in a spiral pattern stapler stapled to a post as proof of claimed land Liturgical-candles burning briefly in protest on city hall's doorstep -fallout buzzing loudly under a crack in the floor Kneeling on feathers tickling your ears while tiding up the bedclothes pie-maker pumping out pans of crustless shells Rotating wallhanging scattering pictures with tornadoes preacher prays for apocalypse to wash humanity away Sconces flashing in the factory owner's dorm pan inexorably sweeping its load into the trash-disposal unit This isn't even the tip of the iceberg! advertising in the license-plate factory MTBE with lead-based paint from childhood, drinking contests in nightclubs -overdoses at the local hospital appreciating your service to country railing against a vote-fraud investigation Trifocals fitting lenses into Marxist economic theory earwax blocking your auditory canals with wax diamonds Expatriate hipsters barfing in the airport terminal dripping thimblefuls into plastic coolers outside the fallout shelter squinting in the hazy smog with your biiiiiig eye And pummelling atheists with bibles under the hot mid-day sun Tusk unaccountably sharpened to a fine point, look out your naive comrades! in the battery-optimiser with overburdened charge capacity Infernal-Globe crushing your enemies, seeing angels in the explosion orating the Truth with a bullhorn on the corner of State and Main condensing in the humidifier and smashing it open for the bounty thundering inside crop circles and your Pastor's bad breath Machinery raining down from the bridge during a liquidation of gov't property the chief-of-police's prize Husky, and feed it the human bodies -boy, you're going tooooo marching into battle with their chariots Steins mass-produced for the festival-goers with built-in coin-slot for easy carrying flashing through garbage-dumpsters with glitz and grime Snowblower limping to safety across virgin white-land with bloody limp And more! warding off the unclean spirits that follow your 17 syllable Singularity badges peddled by the handful as cult-souvineers poured unmeasurable drops averting the apocalypse Cobwebs weaved with caustic chemicals catching the overheated owners By you! oozing into a sticky situation, fortunately too slow for you Bartender's special clearing out the town with alcohol and fisticuffs stirring up a worldwide 'incident' by reporting the news ADHD prescribing Ritalin to guzzle and grumble thy sleeping beast dancing the dance of diplomacy New-Meat bulldozing over the dying town with grace and big guns hefting and hurling their favorite projectiles Whistle-Pigs direction-reading for incoming metal freezing the battlefield to take out the opposing team Survivors wallowing and hiding away from the overwhelming odds framed by an exceptionally tanned chest-piece with hero-worshipping admiration Lifesavers protecting the subverted armored vehicles by conversion terrorists bankrolling the local talent, with fat purses of loot Land-mines whizzing towards you at immense speeds eating away at the enemy from the inside out Laxatives mixing with drinking water to wreak havoc leaders, and taggers spraying multicolored blister-causing graffiti Sculptors subjecting victims to a slow demise with living stone Criminals battling their criminal insanity but killing their enemies instead messing up the muscle-memory of aberrant limbs rioting and pillaging their once peaceful towns Witches brewing potions to instill fear and dread Engineers experimenting with explosives and volatile compounds -lovers making mountains out of molehills Fire-insurance scaring the living daylights out of complacent homeowners leaping towards lanterns with suicidal intentions Academia schooling the youth in how avoid the clutches of death filtering out corruption causing poison Bricklayers building the nice wall against bad people paying fence-sitting paupers to pave the way Files sorting bad people into the proper slots Research uncovering brutal facts of reality hidden in plain sight pointing out the suspicious behavior Standup warming up crowds with familiar favorites and festival favorites knocking people out cold with a healthy dose Gunslingers winging it with overflowing bullets waiting around the corner to sting you viciously Fetishes kinkying it up all night long providing thirst-quenching ammunition to shoot at people Expeditions braving uncharted territory to take the enemies supplies -divers searching the trash for consumable goods Northings participating in the bloodsport of sadism and violence threatening death and mayhem for loot and personal gain Exhilerating! Retinues following the whims of royalty OU have such whims? -buggies riding up and down the dunes, avoiding gunfire shielding yourself from death's embrace Tees modeled after the funniest/darkest/weirdest messageboard tirades keeping the grime and grim off of that lovely teal uniform Skirmishers skirmishing the fools who get in your way charging into battle without care Olive-Drab provided you protection! Stereotypes matching before God, the Emperor, and everyone you were assigned to kill guzzling down grain alcohol and throwing the empties at your enemies What? It's free, clean, and sanitary! reading up on the behavior of certain animal groups extinct elsewhere skewered and grilled six different ways OU want the entire lizard mounted on a pole, or just the tail? revealing the inner-workings of your enemies for all to see Tenaciously tracking down those that would try to evade justice expressing your genotype for all to see It's science! Snipers shooting those that refuse to re-enlist Musketeers shooting everybody using DNA splicing to create the most vicious chimerals yet Dendrisers creating a giant creature inhabiting all of the strange lands or the land will sent out tremors of unhappiness What other objects or material can you come up with? or you face splashing down on the surface of Dendrin's moon and drowning in its oceans, despite being an air-breather too Everyone will spontaneously combust if you enter the atmosphere too fast or steeply again as you wait for another Meteortric cycle when you might again be stricken is pretty simple actually just don't enter the atmosphere to slow or fast or too shallow and you will have a safe landing Tips: shells to surround the egg so it does'nt break on impact You will also need to provide protection from any side to side motion that might occur; so a cushion The container will need to be rigid to make sure that the walls do not flex or the egg could bang on the walls as you descend, Once again cracking and even breaking your prize possession You will also need to find a way to keep the egg steady within the container The main problem with all of this is that space is a vacuum so if it cracks then there is nothing to hold the atmosphere in and it will instantly be rendered You decide to go big because you have nothing left to lose and put your entire self into this one task With the newly added protection of the endless chambers and halls your weight has increased by at least 40% so you make your way back to the warm waters of the As you slowly break the surface of the water you can see air above you beyond the water that your parts are submerged in

[thewrongjackpot]

It’s been a hot minute

**Warning: this is LONG. This is an update to cover several months** 

My bad, it's been a while. I thought I would have been better about this but… ya know… cancer is one hell of a female dog.  Ha. So here we are several months down the line, I think my last post was in March or April, and it's now mid-August. "What's going on?  You haven't updated us in forever!", said noone. Well I'll give you a "brief" medical update first. Then, we'll see where this goes.

When we last left off… I was home with a G- tube placed and chemo and M-F radiation were still going on. (Mid-March) About two weeks after my last hospital discharge, I went back in for pain from the compounding radiation side effects. The mucositis in my mouth and throat made it so drinking anything was painful, hence the G tube coming in handy, a lot more convenient I think than the NG tube that was in my nose.  I also was developing radiation burns along my neck that were really raw (I have pictures of you'd like to see lol). I was just in pain. I ended up staying for exactly a month. At that time, I thought I was going to be able to get a port but ended up with what I believe was my third PICC line. Also, my mom went back to Hawaii during this time due to COVID and worries about her travel back home at some other time. This brings us to Mid-April, most things are generally status quo, I'm doing my feeds, meds, and then started PT. Being in the hospital so much caused a lot of my muscles to atrophy compounded with one of my chemo meds causing neuropathy in my toes and some in my finger tips. Basically, my ability to walk was affected, and I needed some PT and also some braces to wear at home to stretch my ankles to regain range of motion so I wouldn't fall on my dumb face (like I have a couple times at this point, nothing major, but definitely was not stable). I later got braces for walking so I didn't fall on my dumb face and could safely walk around. Early June, I was finally able to get a port placed (yay!). It's so much more convenient, less maintenance, and just less to think about altogether. Around mid-June I went back in for almost four weeks for different pain management reasons. The balloon on the inside of my G-tube was going into my skin, so I had excruciating abdominal pain. They had to place a new G-tube, and messed up details aside, it was the most painful thing I ever went through. I was legitimately crying during the entire procedure, and let's just say some doctors got written up. Anyways, at least this time around I got PT while in the hospital because I didn't know that was a thing prior. Although, during this time, I also developed neuropathic pain in my feet.  Before, it was just numb/tingly, but now there was actual pain associated with it when I took a step/put any pressure on my feet. They pulled the criminal chemo drug for several weeks to let that subside and so I could improve my walking. It was early July, I was back out, and since been out. So where does that currently leave me? I’m at home with most things being status quo. I have weekly chemo, PT every other week, at home daily meds, feeds, and at home PT. However, to give you a little better idea of what I deal with daily here are the main issues I’m currently grappling with:

I can barely open my mouth maybe a centimeter, if that. So I still can’t eat. Although, I think that if I could open my mouth more, I could actually eat something. Also, this makes it so I can't really talk either.

My walking is still fairly unstable. I can’t go outside without putting on my braces.

I’m still having secretions while I sleep. Hence, I can’t sleep straight through the night nor on my back/flat (although, I’m sleeping more than before).

I’m coughing up periodically, and there’s little pieces of the tumor that come out when I do so.

It’s not too bad now. I generally know how to deal with these items or what to do to improve them. But it’s like I have to drink water over the sink because I cough up afterwards and have to spit some back out. I have to mentally prepare myself for something as simple as drinking water. There was a time my secretions were bloody overnight, and later the next day, I coughed up this big bloody piece (I also have a gross photo of this). I didn’t drink any water for a couple of days because I didn’t want to swallow anything like that or blood. My feeds cover my fluid intake as as well, so I can technically go without drinking anything. That’s just an example of a fun side effect of the side effects. This is kind of where it leaves me as far as a medical update goes. 

Okay, that’s all cool, but how are you actually doing through all of this? Good question, stranger! Right now, I’m generally okay. I actually tried to write updates, but I never finished them. One of them was particularly sad for me when I was rereading it. I want to say around the end of May through the first half of June, I was hitting one of my bigger lows. I was feeling very overwhelmed and extremely unmotivated. I barely could muster up energy and motivation for work, even when I dropped to more part-time hours. I was absolutely sick and tired of being sick and tired. My energy level was extremely low. I wanted to just sleep all day. I was losing weight because I wasn’t doing my feeds, and at one point I was going through withdrawal symptoms from the pain meds because I just didn’t want to get up and take it. At this time, I was doing continuous feeds, so I was basically connected to my pump 24/7 or at least supposed to be. I would go about 8-12 hours some days not running any feeds, so I wasn’t getting close to the calorie intake I was supposed to be. I hated being attached to my backpack (with my feeds in it) all the time. It was a constant reminder that 1. I can’t eat anything and 2. I’m not right. That compounded with all the meds I needed to take, work, and all the PT I needed to be doing, I couldn’t take it. I was getting really down about it because I had no real idea of when all this would end, and all of this was just a constant reminder that I’m sick. I absolutely hated it. I hated being sick. I hated that things weren’t normal, that I didn’t look normal. Yeah, there was a lot of progress and shrinkage, especially after radiation, but the more I would look and see that I’m still nothing close to what I once was. My doctors noticed I wasn’t as chipper during visits and recommended me to a therapist. That helped some. I only saw her a couple of times. The two biggest game changers for me were actually that they switched my feeds to a bolus schedule (larger spread out doses) and they prescribed me Ritalin. The bolus schedule for my feeds made it so I was disconnected a lot more of the time, and the Ritalin gave me more energy in my day to focus on various things, like work or household duties. For the most part, up until very recently, I've genuinely been as okay in this situation as possible.  

Recently, maybe the last week or two I've generally been more down. It kind of kick started when watching a show on Netflix (I won't name it so what I say won't ruin it). In the show the dad's cancer comes back, and he dies. I was crying during like three episodes straight. It sparked fear of the future that I won't survive this cancer, in that it'll come back and just take me. And that's already jumping ahead of just getting through it now. It sparked a lot of thoughts about death and just hoping I don't go too soon. I mean, I know people die everyday by even the smallest things, but this is an added hazard to my life. I feel that I still have so much left to give, so much love to give that I can't go yet.  I know things have been getting better for me, but death still crosses my mind, especially with treatment probably coming to a close soon.  

With that said, yes treatment is potentially ending soon, which most people would view as a good thing, but it has only made my anxiety worse. I just had new scans done this past Wednesday, and I meet with the doctors on Monday to discuss the results.  Right now, they're thinking at least three more weeks of chemo, then that might be it for treatment. As it stands right now, I know that there are still parts of the tumor left in my body, and I feel like three weeks more won't take it all away. The doctors say that whatever tumor is left should be dead, so it's just the dead tumor left in my head.  My anxiety has been worse as this is coming to a close because I'm worrying about my life moving forward. One of the things is about whether or not I'll have surgery to remove whatever dead tumor is left. Initially, they were saying surgery was most likely not going to happen because of the areas the tumor has made it to.  But with previous scans, they have taken it to the ENT surgeons, and they said it may be possible.  They're going to talk to them again with these new scans and see what they say. Location is still a big issue with this. The big dilemma in all of this is what will end up being the best choice for my future quality of life. The flip side of no surgery is that I'd be living with dead tumor in my face. Even with that, how do they know it's all dead? Would that be the reason for my future demise? My anxiety levels have been through the roof while waiting to meet with the doctors after these scans, and I'm sure after meeting with them I'll have a new set of items to be anxious about.  Even now I'm like, will I be able to ever open my mouth normally?  If I won't, will I just be tube feeding for the rest of my life? Is the numbness in my face going to be permanent?  Is my impacted hearing in my left ear going to be permanent? Is my left eye going to keep getting worse?  How long until I can walk normally on my own again?  All these questions regarding the side effects of the tumor and all the treatment are starting to hit me harder as treatment is ending. I'm starting to think about the future and what this all means for my quality of life. If I can't eat again, just take me now, it's not worth it (I'm just kidding… maybe?). So much has been weighing on me lately, and I'm trying my best to not think about it as much, but it's so hard. I haven't been sleeping as well because of it either, but I'm trying to be present in the moment and live day to day. 

Although, I'm absolutely grateful for all of those a part of my support system. They have been extremely and amazingly helpful for me, honorable mention goes out to my brother.  In this, he's been one of the most supportive people for me.  I can always count on him to cheer me up when I'm down while still acknowledging all I'm going through. I'm so grateful to have him in my life.  Just all the people I'm surrounded with, there's so much love and support and people in my corner rooting for me.  It helps me rally when I'm down. I still have so much left I want to do with my life, so much I want to contribute.  It's hopefully not my time any time soon.  

With that, thanks if you made it through the whole thing, I know it was long. Till next time, hopefully it won't be as spread out or as long.