#here i am making myself sad at almost midnight

[soupandsorcery]

A letter, written in a de Riva cipher and sealed after the fall of Weisshaupt, delivered to The Cantori Diamond one week after the disappearance of Nicolo de Riva into the Fade

Viago:

I've got a joke for you. Two Crows and a Warden walk into Weisshaupt and almost don't make it back out again. There's not really a punchline, actually. Just an Archdemon and a giant fucking face in the clouds. Weisshaupt was probably the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, and there were a lot of times when I thought I wasn't going to make it out of there. That made me start thinking about my life and things I wished I'd done and said. Which made me start thinking about you.

I know we don't do emotions or talking about feelings or whatever it is normal families do, but I'm just going to say this. If you end up reading it, then I'm probably dead anyway, so you can't scowl at me.

Thank you. I could go down the whole list of the whys, but let's just say I owe a lot to House de Riva—and to you. I wouldn't have made it this far without your help and your weird way of showing your faith in me. I figured out a while ago that you're hard on me because you want me to live up to my potential or whatever. And I tried, Viago. I really did. I saw this contract through as well as I could for as long as I could, and I tried to be a credit to my training. To you. Ask Lucanis if you don't believe me. It kept me going when I didn't think I could, imagining the look on your face if I gave up. So thanks for being a bossy nag too. I guess most good older brothers are, and I know there aren't that many good older brothers in our line of work.

Take care of Teia. Tell her I love her and she's always been the best of the Talons. Let her take care of you sometimes too. You deserve it.

Love you, Viago. Sorry I never said it to your face.

—Nico

[ilys00ga]

.

[kaivenom]

Hi, I was wondering, since it is the holiday winter season, if you could do something kinda similar to the Halloween one I requested, but it's the One Piece Guys (Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Sabo, Ace, Law, and Kidd) X Reader, in like short stories but it's them and reader doing romantic Christmas/Winter activities together?

Christmas drabbles

A/N: since this was my first year with the blog, i didn't think of doing specials for halloween and christmas like kinktober and fluffmas, things like that. So thanks to the people that requested it and i hope that for the next year i organize myself to have that events ready. And Merry Christmas!!!!

Masterlist

Luffy

Snowball fight

You asked for Nami's help and she "unintentionally" diverted the ship's course to get to a winter island.

When you all got there, Luffy was inmediatly heading to a playground full of snow, guiding you with his hand.

You both spent all afternoon doing snowball fights with the crew and building weird looking snowmen.

At the end, all the crew reunited to take dinner at some tabern of the village and Luffy whispered on your hear.

"I know that you talked to Nami to get here, i always wanted to have a snowy day, thanks... i love you." you couldn't believe that he knew and was able to wait all day to say it to you.

Zoro

Drinking outside.

You thought that he would want to stay inside the ship or on the deck.

But when you all got to a village with a christmas market and a lot of stands full of food, drinks, crafts and a lot of ambient an people, you were surprised to see that he took you by the arm and dragged you to the place.

Seeing all the liquor stands made you thought that he only wanted to get drunk but for every sip he took, he passed you another.

And then you went to try the free samples of food, and then he paid for two hot cocoas and took you again by the arm to take a walk.

You both sat at a bench and saw the people walk while you finished the liquor chocolate.

"I know that we went to almost every stant that had alcohol but if you want to go to an especific one, you can say it."

And then you saw a big wheel and even that he didn't quite like heights, he kept his word and you even took pictures.

Sanji

Since he is the cook of the ship, all his day resumed on cooking christmas dinner.

So, since he can't get out of the kitchen to be with you, you went to the kitchen to be with him.

He was a little stressed cause it's a special night but you managed to help a little, even if it was just peeling potatoes.

You played music and sang together while moving around, even a couple of times swinging together like you were dancing.

The dinner was a succss, obviously and everyone staying eating until midnight, then everyone headed to their quarters.

You helped him clean the dishes and you thought that you both would head to bed and sleep but.

"Mon amour, you've been my ray of hope all day and i couldn't give you the attention you deserved... now i am fully yours and we can go take a walk."

If the ship is near to an island, you would go take a walk to there if not, then he would do some hot cocoa and you both would sit on the deck.

Trafalgar Law

Kissing under a mistletoe.

All day, the crew tried to make you both kiss.

Law was evading this the best he could but you were oblivious to that plan.

One particular moment, you were about to exit a room and he was about to enter, so you both crashed and suddently a small mistletoe appeared above your heads.

Thanks to Shachi and a fishing rod.

You laughed and kissed his cheek, but he was so nervous that he turned his head and you both ended up kissing on the lips.

He dissapeared and you were really sad, until before the dinner he appeared with a small box of your favourite chocolate, flowers and a letter.

"Im sorry, i really like you but i didn't plan on our first kiss to be like that."

When you looked at him again, you saw that he was holding a mistletoe above both of your heads and a small smile.

Eustass Kidd

Giving gifts.

Eustass wasn't the type to give gou anything, like at all.

And you thought that for christmas he at least would have a little detail with you, but he wasn't showing any signs of that, even talking to Killer that the tradition of giving gifts was stupid.

You were starting to feel hurt cause you already bought something to him.

When dinner was finishing you decided to give him yours, at least to make him feel bad about his behaviour.

He just simply said "thanks".

Your heart cracked and you felt like crying.

You thought about not sleeping on the room that night but you didn't have the guts, you felt stupid.

Kid didn't went to bed with you at the moment and by the time he did, you were already sleep. You thought that probably he went partying with the boys but you didn't have the humour.

When you woke up, you saw a lot of gifts all over the room. You decided to nudge him.

"What?! I thought you would be happy that i get you all the crap that you were saying all the year."

"This are all the things i said i wanted ... in the year?!" he nodded, "you idiot, i thought you weren't going to do nothing... i was really sad and felt like shit."

"Woman, how could i not give you anything? it's christmas! i wanted to make it special... and thanks for YOUR gift, i really like it."

Ace

Binge watching and celebrating with the crew.

You all had stopped by on an island that had a sky station so he was living the dream.

In a very reckless way, so, soon enough he broke his leg and had to stay inside of the room.

He was sad and grumpy cause he didn't like to feel like an invalid and tried to escape a couple of times.

You managed to convince everyone to give him a surprise and make the dinner on your room.

It was fun and noisy and all of you didnt care.

He was happy and didn't try to escape for the whole night.

Then everyone left to give you some "privacy".

"Hey babe, i realized that maybe staying inside is not as bad as i thought, we can finally catch up with all the movies we didn't see."

He smiled showing you all the DVDs while catching the den den mushi to order even more food.

Sabo

Just resting.

It was christmas but legionaries never sleep, or relax, or celebrate...

So you were working on a new plan, even when Dragon sent you to your quarters.

So, when Sabo came back from an special mission just to surprise you on holidays and found out that you were working... he made a plan.

He set everything on the room to make a romantic christmas night, some themed movies and made all the shoping groceries.

And then he appeared behind you, you were so tired that you thought he was a ghost.

So he took the chair and dragged you closer to him.

"My beautiful and worker girlfriend, Dragon sent you to the room."

"But, i thought you wouldn't be here so i didn't have a reason to celebrate."

"I love you so much." he blushed and kissed you, and then take you on bridal style to the room.

[etherealily]

𝟡 𝕝𝕚𝕧𝕖𝕤 // Nate Jacobs.

Nate Jacobs + Fem!reader. Darker. SFW, but discretion advised.

Part 1 : Whiplash

Part 3 : Blessed

Part 4 : Shards

Part 5 : Eighteen

Part 6 : Sin

You do NOT have permission to repost and/or translate any of my fics.

Desc. : You should be grateful.

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He wasn't supposed to text you. He was supposed to take the beating you'd given him for being a prick, like a man, and shut the fuck up about it.

But here you were, midnight, staring at the chat that had started it all.

'yo, u up?'

You rolled your eyes, going back to your scrolling.

'I hate seenzoners.'

You liked his message.

'That's so much worse.'

'The fuck do u want?'

Nate Jacobs sent a voice message.

You could have just ignored it. You could just block him. You could just… stop. But the allure was far too much. The urge of finding out what he wanted was too strong.

"Guess where I am."

He could've just texted that. No need for a voice message, but he was Nate Jacobs.

"I don't know, the psych ward?"

"You wanna know? You'll have to drive and follow my instructions, though. You trust me enough for that?"

Ha. No fucking chance. "No, I'm good, thanks."

"Oh, so you'll text me, but won't see me in person?"

His voice was oddly sultry, as if he'd either just woken up or hadn't slept for days. Most likely the second one.

"Bingo. Go to sleep, Jacobs."

And then he sent you a picture of him from the bleachers of your school's football stadium - how the fuck did he get in?

"C'mon, don't you want to see what our school looks like at night?"

Uh, yes. But with him? No.

"It's 12:05, ASSHOLE. No fucking way."

"This is the scene where you cave and meet me and we have a cute little nighttime school montage where we sit and talk about life."

You listened to that message a good four times before you stopped laughing.

"This is the scene where I block you."

"I will come over if you don't come to the school. Uh, y'know, if you want your parents to think you're fooling around with the QB."

"I will literally shoot you if you come within fifty feet of my house."

"Come. I'll make it worth your while."

Was it possible to hear smirks?

"I'm not coming, Nate."

No way he was actually at the high school. It was probably an insanely good edit.

"You will be."

The FUCK was that supposed to mean? Not like he could force you to show up.

"Wanna bet?"

"Sure. Fifty bucks says you show up to the high school tonight."

"Not blowing fifty bucks on anything, even if I do win."

"What's it going to take for you to come? Look, I-I know it's been weird, and I might've scared you, but that's… that wasn't my intention, I swear."

Yeah, his intention was just to show you what his blood looked like. You liked his message once more, rolling your eyes.

"Dude, seriously, I swear, I'm not like, a serial killer or anything. You can bring pepper spray, a taser, whatever, if it makes you feel better. I'm just- okay, fuck, you're right. Dumb idea, trying to convince you like this."

Wait, okay, good. That was good. He was getting the message.

Another voice message.

"I forgot who I was talking to. You leave me no choice."

"What?" No.

And then, you received a video. He was teetering off the edge of the top-most row of bleachers. With a gun at his head.

"Come on, Y/N, this is getting really sad, that the only way I can grab your attention is by almost killing myself."

"I don't care. Do whatever. Not falling for it this time."

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"FUCK!", you yelled, as you found yourself running frantically through the school football field for the second time in two weeks.

You'd actually kept your word for a while, pushing out every Nate-related thought for a good night's sleep - you didn't fall for it.

Until McKay called and informed you that Nate wasn't picking up his phone - and that his last message was something along the lines of : 'Call Y/N if you don't hear from me in the next couple of minutes'.

He was deranged. Playing Russian Roulette with his own life was absolutely deranged.

"You actually showed."

GOOD, he was still alive, meaning you could kill him.

You didn't speak. That would simply complicate things, because then you'd have to look at him.

"Plus, you didn't flinch when you saw me. Think that's a win for me in the trust department."

You stood there, glaring at him as he jumped down from the bleachers, even doing that dangerously, as if he was a cat with nine lives, or he was playing a video game and would just respawn.

"You know, you could say something."

He wasn't getting impatient, though, like his tone was trying to portray. No, he was getting more amused. He liked this. He liked the fact that he got you to come to a basically abandoned-for-the-holidays-high school at midnight. He reveled in it.

"Like hey, Nate, thanks for convincing me to actually live a little for a change instead of staying cooped up in my house.", he suggested.

You punched him.

Yeah. You kept running across that field till you were close enough and you punched him right then and there.

You full-on punched him, shoved him back, slapped him, clawed at him. "Stop FUCKING doing this to me! STOP! You can't FUCKING do this to me!", you screamed, hitting him repeatedly on his chest.

He took every beating, and the fact that it seemed he was trying not to laugh just egged you on even more to actually kill him, make his nose bleed, make his head fall clean off his egotistical body.

Eventually, though, it seemed even Nate Jacobs had his limit. He grappled against your hands as he held them between both your chests, clenching his jaw. He wouldn't risk saying anything, seeing as your eyes were already burning with tears.

"You…", you cried out as he shifted his grip on your hands to only one hand, wrapping the other around you. "…Can't keep…"

"Shh, shh, I know.", he muttered as he rested his chin on your head. "Shh, I had to."

"No, you didn't."

He kissed your head, then your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, and stopped for a moment, hovering over your lips but not touching them, as though he was more scared than you were. "You know I did."

You wondered if he could taste the tears, whether he relished it. Knowing what little you did of him, he might have.

"I would've come."

"No, you wouldn't have. Shh." He was right, but there had to be some other way.

"You know what, sweetheart?"

It was sickening how he could do this to you and then use words of endearment against you.

"You should actually be grateful."

And that's when you noticed that he was actually gripping onto your hair, tightening it when your face didn't show any contortion due to pain (only contortion due to unbridled rage and the urge to stab him with your car keys).

"I usually hurt people to get what I want. With you, I'm hurting myself."

You fought the urge to say 'so fucking what?'

"You're not bleeding, baby, that's what you don't get. You're untouched, and safe, and not bleeding. Me, however?"

What was his point? That he was being a gentleman by scaring you half to death instead of having a normal adult conversation?

"I'm bleeding. I'm hurt. I'm in pain. But I'm still holding you."

He said it with exaggerated magnanimity, like he was doing you a favour, or something, like all your problems, trauma, worries, stress, had just disappeared because he was holding you in his 'big strong arms'.

"Then stop!"

"Neither of us wants me to stop holding you."

"I do."

He grinned, knowingly, with a subtle shake of his head. "No, you don't."

"Let me go."

"No."

"Let me go, Nate."

"Fine. Because you called me Nate and not Jacobs.", he nodded, letting go of you and throwing up his arms. "Don't hit me again."

"Was McKay in on this?"

He frowned momentarily, before realization swept over his face. "Shit. Yeah, no, he wasn't. I should text him, huh?"

Oh, now he was asking if he should be a courteous human being?

You watched him loathingly, as he typed out what you guessed was a half-assed apology.

'Sorry, McKay, I'm good, man. Chicks, y'know?' or some absolutely fucked up shit like that, to be sure.

"Done. Now, will you stop being so square and enjoy the fact that you're here at school at midnight?"

"What?" Enjoy?

"I'll bet this is your first time out at midnight period, let alone your first time out at midnight somewhere you're not legally supposed to be."

"Why am I here?"

The condescending look he gave you set your teeth on edge. 'Oh, poor, naive girl. Of course she doesn't even know why she's here. This is why I told her to stay in my grasp. She never listens.'

FUCKING ASSHOLE.

"You're my good luck charm. My good luck charm, but I heard you're fucking Shane. You can't be doing that."

The softness in his movements, the gentleness, it had either completely stopped, or entirely overshadowed the fact that he had put you through yet another nerve-wracking event that would raise your blood pressure.

Shane who, Shane who, Shane- oh. Shane.

Not so much fucking as went on one date with, but it was better for everyone if Nate thought you had already gone that far.

"Why not?"

"He's a punk."

"You're one to talk."

"Look, he plays defense. What if you're just, like, intensely fortunate? Can't have him sneak in a quickie before the game and then he's lucky."

It's like he wanted you to punch him again.

"He's on your team. You'll win anyway."

He shrugged, as though he could see where you were coming from, but was about to respectfully absolutely ruin your argument.

"I like to win."

"Not a team player, are you?"

"Never claimed to be."

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He was so clearly getting frustrated with your lack of response - the initial dopamine and thrill of being a disgusting element of surprise by shooting/not-shooting himself in the head gone.

But what could you say?

You'd already ghosted Shane after the date had tanked, so technically there was no reason for you to still be here. The chances of a 'lucky quickie' were virtually zero.

And so, you just stood there, the two of you, with inexplicable rage pooling within.

Your senses were heightened, your emotions wilder than the crazed look in your eyes as he stood there, looking down at you like an adult looking down at their childhood toy. As if you were the naivest, most precious, pathetically adorable thing he owned, reminding him of a simpler time.

At this point, even a rabbit's foot had been treated with more respect than you.

And you hated every moment of it because it was thrusted upon you, just like the silence of the eerie, void-like field you two were in.

"Why are you like this, Y/N?", he groaned, with the nerve to sound tired.

You? Why were you like this? What about him?

"You're… so cold." His hands flexed as if they were about to move from your hair to your throat. "Just… let loose, please. You're the reason I'm winning, I'd at least like to get to know you!"

"Oh, so this is like, an interview? Is she good enough to be associated with me? You think you're hot shit? Dude, I- you gotta realize how fucked up all of this is."

You were practically pleading. Acknowledge your absurdity, Nate Jacobs, please.

"Hey, whoa, look, you chose to associate yourself with me. Not my problem, ok?", he spat back, clearly happy with the return of banter.

"I didn't choose any of this!"

"You requested to follow me after I followed you. You chose not to block me after I followed you."

"You're putting this all on me?"

That's what normal people do ; they follow people back! He was grasping at straws, but it still seemed as though he had an iron grip on them.

"There wouldn't have been a first time if you didn't care so goddamn much." Like he was mocking you. You almost screamed. You almost hit him. He was so nonchalant.

But that… rang true. However, the humanitarian in you was adamant that there was absolutely no one cold enough to shrug off a video of someone slicing so effortlessly into their palm and exposing their blood so unabashedly.

Well, except Nate Jacobs himself.

"But, y'know what, Y/N?", he said, clearing his throat, matter-of-factly. "That's all in the past. Because now, now, we're going to sort out this arrangement between us and everything will go back to normal."

Normal? Normal as in, both of you go back to being strangers? Unlikely.

"Arrangement?"

"How this thing is going to go. Before every game, you fist-bump me. You don't touch any other players whatsoever, Blackhawk or otherwise."

Great, he was policing who you could fist-bump now.

"I- you brought me here at midnight for this?"

"Uh, no, I brought you here at midnight for fun.", he replied, scoffing. "But since you wanted to be all violent and physical, I thought we should stick to business."

Did he mean to be this insufferable? Was it a bit? There was no way an actual human being could act like this, yes? There was no way anyone could think that this was a justifiable response to a genuine question. Right?

At this point, you didn't know anymore.

Nate Jacobs had officially stumped you.

"If I say okay, can I leave?"

"No, you cannot leave, but you definitely can go sit over there and think about your little attitude before I bring out the tequila."

He burst out laughing at your annoyed face, slinging a heavy arm around your shoulder in an oddly possessive display of 'familiarity'.

"Relax. Loosen up, like I said, and you'll be fine.", he snorted, and that was your only indication that he did not, in fact, actually wish to put you into time-out.

The insane man with a gun had a sense of humour, apparently.

"You brought tequila?"

"I told you, the whole point of tonight was fun and getting to know the reason I'm winning better. So, sit."

You sat, still glaring up at him. You must have looked absolutely fucking cute or something, because he pouted at you before reaching into a duffle bag you hadn't noticed before and whipping out two bottles of straight tequila.

"Body shots?"

"Jacobs…"

"I'm joking, I'm joking. You'll come around soon, though. They all do."

Great. That's brilliant. You'd been reduced from a stranger, to a bitch, to a joke, to now a stereotype. This was just spectacular.

"Why me?"

That question seemed to genuinely catch him off-guard.

Good. Now he knows what this past week with him has been like.

"Hm?'

"Why me? Why am I the good luck charm?"

"I don't know."

"You could just be a really good player. You don't know, you haven't gone a single game without it, so you assume you're winning because of it."

"The third game was the one you weren't there for. You must remember hearing about it, though? Most embarrassing game for East Highland, I swear. 34-nil? That was shameful. That's why I decided, fourth game onwards, I wouldn't have to risk it because I got you."

Shit. That actually made sense.

"Okay, now you tell me.", he began, slightly turning the bottle in his hand around and examining the contents, curiously. "Shane Crestin? Seriously?"

"What?"

He scoff-snickered, taking an impressively large gulp before answering. "Y/N, the guy's a tool."

Look who's talking.

"He asked me out after the game."

"So, he knows you're my good luck charm.", he said, quietly, like a king trying to figure out where his men's loyalties lay.

Did Julius Caesar have a girl who he gaslit in order to get her to watch him in battle because of superstition? If so, she'd have been the first to stab him.

"Of course he knows, you made a huge spectacle of it that first time."

"Oh, yeah. But still, what a bastard. Trying to steal my lucky girl and her luck like that."

You needed to do a lobotomy on this man, seriously.

It wasn't even like you could ask him what the hell that meant because that would just bring him immense amounts of joy.

"You're not drinking. Why?", he inquired, opening the second bottle and forcing it to your lips.

You frowned as you held onto it. "I don't drink."

"Oh, bullshit. Come on, drink, don't be a nerd."

"I said no, okay?"

"Wait, do you not want to drink around me?"

He was really going above and beyond to break the 'dumb jock' stereotype, wasn't he?

"I can't believe it.", he continued, leaning back on the bleachers as he watched your face. "After all this, you don't trust me."

After all this, he said, as if he had spent his entire life working solely for your benefit. Like a tired mentor.

"I mean, dude, this is like… such a bitch move, you know that? I'm just trying to be nice."

"I don't know what you want me to do, Nate."

"Uh, trust me? Thought we were cool now, Y/N. You think I'm going to get you blackout drunk then have my way with you? Rape you? Are you scared to be around me? At midnight? In a quiet, empty football stadium where no one would think to look for you?", he questioned, still holding your gaze as he lifted his bottle to his mouth.

The elaboration of that statement unnerved you.

"I don't think you're going to rape me, I'm just-"

"Just scared of the possibility?"

"Don't take it personal, but-"

"There's no other way to take it. You're all but accusing me of assault. I thought you were different."

Was that meant to make you melt? 'Oh, no, I'm just like everyone else in that I don't want to end up in a ditch somewhere, the horror!'

"Maybe I'm not.", you shrugged.

"But you came. Tonight. No one else would have. So maybe you're a judgmental bitch like everyone else, but you've at least got your stupidly huge heart going for you."

If you strained your ears, that almost sounded like a compliment.

"Uh, thanks?"

"Drink, Y/N. Please."

Oh, fuck it. You needed that goddamn tequila to shoot through you with a vengeance.

"There we go.", he mumbled, watching you. "Dude, look at you."

"Hm?"

"You're finally badass."

His eyes lit up as he saw your finger enter the scene. He chuckled for a moment. "I'm being serious. I mean, you've beaten me up, what, three times so far - once in front of the entire school - and now you're doing underage shots with me at night at school, which is like, two illegal things at the same time."

See, that's where the difference between the two of you lay.

He thought that was being a badass.

You thought that was being a dumbass.

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"…So yeah. That's why I joined football, basically. Made me feel, like, stronger and more in control, I guess."

This asshole had just told the most human story, and now you had to see him as a person. The cunt.

You watched as he stood in the middle of the field, aiming and shooting at the banners that were strewn up all around the field.

God, he was so fucking terrifying.

How does he play Russian Roulette to bait you into coming one minute and then reload and shoot at banners like a child with his first Nerf the next?

"Control. Yeah, that tracks."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You want everything to go your way. You get pissed when other people do things of their own will."

"Can't argue with that.", he shrugged, as he turned his back to you and shot another banner, impressively shooting right in the centre of the 'O' in a 'GO BLACKHAWKS!' sign. "You know how to shoot?"

"No."

"You should learn."

"I'll get right on that.", you scoffed, as you observed your tequila bottle intensely, ignoring him coming back to rest his feet on the bleachers from your peripheral vision.

"Open your mouth."

"What?"

"Humour me."

"I've humoured you enough tonight."

"Please? Pretty please?"

You rolled your eyes, but opened your mouth. You had no idea what you expected, but it sure as hell was not him stuffing the barrel of his gun in there. You suddenly felt the tequila evaporating from your bloodstream as he slapped your hands away after you tried taking it out, like anyone would. Shit, it hurt. FUCK.

"Just relax.", he whispered, so soothingly that he might as well have been talking you through a panic attack. "There's nothing to be scared of."

Besides the hot gun you've got basically lodged up my throat.

Suddenly, the amount of danger you really were in began to materialize in your head. He was right. It was midnight. It was spring break. It was at high school. No one would think to look for you there.

"Are you scared?"

Oh, God. He was one of those freaks who got off on these things.

You nodded, not really knowing what else to do.

"You think I'll shoot you?"

You shook your head.

"Kill you?"

You shook your head.

"Then why are you scared?"

Honestly, it was the fact that he wasn't going to do either of those things, and decided to shove a gun down your throat simply for shits and giggles.

"You need more tequila."

WHAT?

You frowned, but nodded. Anything to get the gun out of your mouth.

He poured it straight from the bottle into your mouth, watching with sick satisfaction as you swallowed, and you realized that he was psychotically drunk.

"How's that? I do it all the time, y'know? Hot metal plus cold tequila equals the best fucking night ever."

Um, ew. No. But that would be super unwise to say.

"You shove a gun down your throat then take a shot?"

"One of my more dangerous drinking games, yes. God, dude, look at you. Like, you're so fucking uptight, loosen THE FUCK up!"

You were unsure how much 'looser' you could get - you were already going along with his 'dangerous drinking game'.

"I am!"

"Not enough. Not even close. You need more."

"We're all out.", you said, (thankfully) pointing at the empty duffle bag next to him.

"Oh.", he sighed, slumping down next to you and using the duffle bag as a pillow. "Just- I don't get it. What is it about you?"

"That makes you get suicidal?"

He snorted, softly. "That makes me so mad?"

"You're mad?"

"Not like angry-mad. I mean like… crazy-mad. Like I go mad around you."

Five-year-olds could explain things better than him, but, to his credit, he was shitfaced.

"Really? Thought you were born that way."

"I mean, last week? When I kissed you? I don't do that shit. But it was the only way to shut you up. I-ugh. It's you, Y/N. Just fucking up my brain, one game at a time."

"Oh, oh, so you being a psychopath is because I didn't show up to one game?"

"When you're constantly worried about someone needing to be there, you do crazy things. Like cut yourself. I would have done it, too, seriously."

"I know. That's why I came."

"So, we weren't entirely strangers, huh? You knew me a little, at least?"

"Uh, no, we were definitely strangers."

"Now? What are we now?"

"Uh… friends?" You didn't mean that. You wouldn't be his friend if it killed you.

"No, I think I'd know it if we were friends." Phew.

"So, you tell me."

"What? No, you've been in charge this whole time, you tell me."

He just said you'd been in charge.

One offhanded, sweeping statement, and he'd shifted all the blame on you as easy as pie.

How did he do that?

It was obvious what he was referring to: the fact that none of these interactions would have happened if you just hadn't given a shit in the first place.

The fact that every single move of his had been linked to you, in whatever this weird everybody (except you) ante, sketchy poker game he was playing was supposed to be.

And it unnerved you.

Because in some twisted way, it was true.

"Acquaintances."

"But we've kissed.", he reminded, diligently and unwantedly. "Acquaintances - and classmates, before you suggest that - don't just kiss."

"Dude, then what do you want to be?"

Shit. That was what he'd wanted all along. For you to ask in exasperation, to give you his interpretation.

"You know, just… an average relationship between a man and his good luck charm." He inched closer, his hand loosening its grip on the railing as if it was going to do something, but there was no more tequila to reach out for.

There was only you.

And reach, he did.

First, his hands were on your cheek, like they had been a half hour ago. Then, suddenly, they were in your hair, and his tongue was trying to coax your words out of you directly from the source.

And you just let it happen.

If anyone knew why you let it happen, you'd have loved to start a suggestion box.

But you had a funny feeling that the only person who knew why was Nate Jacobs himself.

Fat chance he'd tell you.

[piyo13sdoodles]

day 28, chapter 76:

At the expression on Quintus' face Cliopher could take no more. He started laughing before he made it out of the room, though the loudest whoops came after he'd reached the hallway. He did not get far along, just sank down at the top of the stairs so he could try to muffle his mirth with his hands. ~ "Your family seems somewhat perturbed," Rhodin observed after a few minutes.

and bonus gallery shot + musings under the cut because it's been exactly 4 weeks now:

fun to see what kinds of patterns intentionally or unintentionally crop up... or also which days i can tell i was busy vs which days i had time or worked in advance to dedicate more time to the piece. if anyone's curious, on average one of these might take me 2-3 hours to complete! more detailed ones like october 23 i think probably took me closer to 5 hours, simpler ones like october 9 maybe 1.5h.

i am both sad and glad it's almost over--i've definitely lost a fair amount of sleep trying to get these done in time (usually i work a day ahead so i can post at a reasonable time, but that hasn't always worked out, especially in the final stretch here), so this pace does become untenable on top of work, but it also is really fun to make so much art! and to always have something to work on rather than becoming trapped into that idea of 'what should i do, too many choices, can't decide..' the answer is always inktober!

in any case, seeing the gallery like this is also interesting to me because it really helps me realize where i could have/should have pushed the ink a bit more--working in ink is (to me; this is definitely not gospel, just how i consider ink work) an exercise in controlling contrast. you don't have colour to drive edges or cool/warm tones, so the only value you have is the light-dark contrast, and in my mind at least, good use of contrast should carry across to a smaller format. for example, zoomed out like this i can see that october 11th really needed more contrast in the feathers--they blend too much into the background in a way that doesn't really work to emphasize that ludvic is standing in front of the candles there. otoh, on october 5, i think that one's fine because what i wanted was for the moon to draw the eye first, and THEN for you to notice HR sitting there.

overall, also, i want to keep these interesting--if the compositions are always the same, then it can become repetitive or boring, so i wanted a good mix of light and dark compositions, and a good balance of tone across all of them. which so far i'm pleased with! and this year i let myself use pencil undersketches and do thumbnail planning and everything (last year i really wanted to get better at visualizing the piece in my head so i set the challenge of just committing straight to paper... i'm still happy with last year's but you can tell i took on much more challenging compositions this year lol)

anyway!! much to think about, so much to learn, i wanted to work a bit in advance again so i won't be putting tomorrow's up almost at midnight again but alas i think it was not meant to be, so i'm off to bed and if you read this whole thing, congrats, have a cookie *hands you a cookie*

[scatteredthoughts2]

Watching the Clock.

It is evening time, at a quarter to seven,

And just the sound of your voice will send me to heaven,

It has been so long, it's been such a long while,

And I'm making sure to charge my mobile.

An hour has passed, it's a quarter to eight,

But I'm not at all worried, you are just a bit late,

I am sitting here calm; I know you'll call soon,

And then your sweet voice will fill up the room.

The moon has now risen, it's a quarter to nine,

And I'm telling myself everything will be fine,

You probably got caught, in the traffic in town,

And I'm not feeling sad, no I'm not feeling down.

I look at the clock, it's a quarter to ten,

And I'm starting to think that you've done it again;

You have left me here waiting for the sound of your voice,

And the thoughts in my head are not a bit nice.

Another hour has passed, it is ten forty-five,

And I'm starting to wonder if you're still alive,

How could you hurt me and keep me waiting here,

The way that you treat me is not a bit fair.

Twelve forty-five, it is almost midnight,

And I sit in the dark, in the eerie moonlight,

My phone, it is silent, there is no word from you,

And I'm wracking my head, I don't know what to do.

A quarter to one, there's no more to be done,

The waiting is over, there's a text on my phone,

You said you are sorry, that you're finished with me,

That you want your life back, that you want to be free.

It's a quarter to two, and I'm lying in bed,

My phone is all smashed, all broken and dead,

I know I won't sleep, I'll just lie here and weep,

I loved you so much, but your love , I can't keep.

@Ambrose Harte

@Scattered Thoughts

[bubacorn]

✨2024 fic overview✨ (this is mostly for myself and is just me rambling about my writing this year)

okay, so i hesitated making this post. i decided i would, then that i wouldn't. i was convinced i wouldn't because there's no point, really. but here i am because acknowledging accomplishments is something i feel like i should do. this year has been- something, for sure. it's been bad and difficult for the most part and obviously all that won't be over after midnight but i figured i could use some 'celebration', even while i'm struggling

i managed a word count of 172,325 this year which both feels like a lot and very little. i posted 34 works. among them are the longest ones i've written yet, ones that came very easily, ones that mean a lot. i had a lot of fun writing this year but at the same time, it hurt a lot, too, which sounds silly but it really did. i'm not entirely sure how i ended up here but i'm grateful that i did. there's a lot that i can't reread without cringing, a lot that i would rewrite if i had the energy and time but they all mark a moment where i was at that point in time and i think that's okay, in a way

so, as a sort of tradition (can it be a tradition if it's only the second year i do this and i almost didn't?), some of my favorites from this year:

Waiting for the One (The Day That Never Comes)

i really loved the style of this one when i wrote the first chapter, and wasn't planning on expanding upon it but then i spoke it out loud and my brain was like '👀 what if-?' and then it was a lost cause and i suddenly had a few thousands words extra. i still like the style, i think, and some of the choices about the story

Show Me Love

this is one of those that i cringe at, although i hold a lot of love for the whole series and was (am?) thinking about reworking it sometime. i know it meant a lot when i was conceptualizing and writing it, it houses a lot of pain, even though it came out mostly fluffy in the end. i suppose it helped cement me in relation to fluff, and soup as the genesis of everything (/j /lh)

Burn to Get You Out of Me

oh, this one. the concept is painful but i might also cringe at it a bit, i'm not sure why. i think i still like it a lot, it just feels clumsy for some reason. maybe because it feels like long ago, i can't pinpoint it. the feels are something for sure, though

To Safety

this one has a doc with bits and pieces and ideas to expand it into a series, i'm not sure if i'll actually get around to it or not. i know i liked writing it but i have mixed feelings about it now. i also didn't plan on writing more chapters after the first but it still happened. based on 'popularity', i suspect people like it because it's soft and has a certain vulnerability. it's also kind of special to me because it led to me receiving an ask i still remember being very :)) about we'll see what happens with that wip next year

Show Me That Your Arms Can Hold Me

i remember this one. this started as ~1k words written in bed on my phone because i was feeling particularly sad and the words just flowed. i can't recall which part i wrote then, i know it grew quite a lot (i expected it to be a max. 2k oneshot). i still like it but i'm surprised that there was a 'fan favorite' sentence in it, although i have to say, i do like it, too, it's a nice sentence ("Vessel let himself be eased from the tense position he instinctively assumed, knees slipping away from his chest, torso turning towards II’s like his heart was the head of a sunflower seeking the Sun."). i also feel like the style and the metaphors/imagery i used are kinda nice, too, which makes me happy because fairly early on, i knew i wanted to gift it, so i'm glad it 'holds up'

I Will Be Here When You're Ready to Wake Up

oof. this one. i loved it and i kinda don't like it anymore. i know. i fought with it, i planned so much for it, i struggled and i did enjoy it. i didn't expect it to be this long, either. i guess lessons learnt? i don't hate it but it also makes me cringe a bit because i know at one point, i was annoyed, like 'how many sentences can i possibly write that go 'he [did] [something]. [name] [did] [something]'?' and it felt like the answer was 'all of them'. you know what? i do kinda like it. it has details that i like (love?) and it's not half bad. remind me to remember this when i next catch myself hating it (/lh). i also hold it close to my heart because it's the first time my fic inspired art and it's gorgeous

For a While, You and I

this one was so much fun. the idea and the imagery. listening to the songs on loop. loving Vessel for his thing for niche details in his covers that actually carry meaning (or not) but they're still fun. yeah, i like it a lot. i meant to write it with no hope left for them to ever meet because to me, that feels more realistic. stardust doesn't care about love and by that point, does it really matter? really "And they say that nothing is forever // Then what makes love the exception?". i guess it's romantic and comforting to think they might meet and that their particles will collide and fuse for eternity. i think i wanted it to be more like 'if i have to live without you, i'd rather choose not living without you because then we both just don't exist and then we can't be together but we're not apart either'. it's humanly tragic if they're just gone because that's how things go. it's horrifying but it's life. yeah, anyway

Something to Confide In

i didn't plan on writing this. i know that the grocery store conversation was written fairly early on, and some of the later pieces of dialogue. then i was very busy and stressed and sat on the train, and was suddenly at 11k. i finished it all before posting because it was an already anxiety-filled and overwhelming period, so i just put it in my drafts and posted it quickly because i was excited about it. then, i think, after like the first chapter out, i started to dislike it. that's just how things go sometimes. i have a continuation in the works for this, we'll see what happens to it

i have really complicated feelings about my writing and am in a bit of a slump (in general, too, but it extends to creating because of course, it does) but i'm still amazed at how i ended up here in the first place. it feels like i didn't write 'enough' this year and i have my insecurities and little (well. not so little) annoyances. i'm grateful to everyone who reads my works, leaves kudos and comments or shares them when i post their links here. thank you, i appreciate you a lot, you and your feedback help keep me going

at the same time, i have to say that i do often go 'maybe i should just stop', probably more often than it comes across from my words and frequency of posting, which is, oh, well. i'm still going. writing kind of happens at this point, i can't exactly stop my brain from doing it and i do enjoy it, it means a lot, it's an outlet. it is also a weird source of validation but i try not to let that get to me when i can (and fail at it quite often). i've rambled so much, i think i should wrap it up. thank you, i'm still here, this year happened and the next one will, too. take care of yourselves, if you can 💜

[honeypiehotchner]

Devil’s Backbone (Unsub!Hotch x Fem!Reader) — part sixteen

I'm ALIVE!!! Listen, long story short, moving to a different country is hard. And it is harder when you get sick...and when that sickness puts you in the hospital. Anyway! I am out of the hospital now, doing much better, and ready to finish uploading this fic and break some hearts because ooh boy :))))

Warnings: this is just sad idk what else to say for myself

Sixteen: You’re still the oxygen I breathe — “THE LONELIEST” by Måneskin

A new plan was devised. You were going to meet Hotch, but you weren’t going in completely alone. He didn’t need to know that.

Honestly, he was a fool if he didn’t suspect you to come with some form of backup.

You were told to meet him at a local park, one that closed down at dusk, but obviously that didn’t matter. He said he’d find you when you got there. And the two of you would talk somewhere private.

It scared and excited you at the same time. You felt you finally had the opportunity to make it all right. You’d convince him to turn himself in, to get help. To stop killing. To save himself. You had a feeling in your gut that you were the only one who could convince him to stop. You knew you had to try.

“Do I really need this?” you grumbled, taking the bulletproof vest from Morgan.

“Yeah, you do,” Morgan replied, deadpan but not too stern. “Put it on.”

You already were. Deep down, you knew it was better to be safe than sorry.

“Prentiss and I will be parked just down the street,” Morgan explained. “We’ll move closer once you guys are out of sight. We’ll be right there with you.”

“Don’t worry, kiddo,” Rossi tried to offer a smile, but you could tell it was a struggle. “It’ll be alright. It’ll be over after this.”

Somehow, even then, you knew that wasn’t true. But you nodded anyway, ignoring the nagging feeling in your chest.

You shrugged your jacket over the vest. It wouldn’t hide it completely, but you didn’t think that mattered. Aaron probably expected you to come with the vest on, or some sort of protection. He didn’t request that you come unarmed, so you had your handgun, but you didn’t plan on using it. You hoped he didn’t plan on using his, either.

Reid stayed at the precinct to work with Garcia, but Rossi and JJ went into the field as well. Police were set up to watch the exit roads from the park, and Rossi and JJ would be there with them, waiting. Just in case.

You glanced at the clock on the wall. It was nearing midnight. Almost time.

+++

Aaron felt himself going insane.

At first, when he meant to meet with you, it was purely to get the team off of his back. To try his hand once again to convince you to leave it alone. But he knew that wouldn’t work. Not really.

Then he saw Jack. He swore it. As he killed the most recent unsub, he swore it. He swore he saw Jack run from him, hiding somewhere in that house. He swore.

But he knew where Jack was buried. He watched them lower his casket into the ground, right next to Haley. To rest there forever, safe from harm, away from Hotch, finally at peace. It tore him in half.

He needed to see you. He needed you. But he didn’t need the team; he didn’t need you as an agent. It was different. He knew you felt it too, so he knew you would meet him.

He saw you parking your car across the parking lot. It was one of the team’s SUVs, but he figured it would be. What mattered most was that you were alone.

+++

As he said he would, Aaron found you.

You left your car and headed into the park, finding a random bench to sit down on. It was underneath a streetlamp, so you figured Prentiss and Morgan had a visual on you from there. Aaron came out of the shadows.

“Jesus,” you jumped clear in the air and onto your feet, your hand instinctively reaching for your gun on your hip. Aaron noticed.

He smirked. “I see you came armed.”

“You didn’t say not to,” you exhaled. “I don’t exactly like being in a park in the middle of the night alone.”

“You’re not alone. I’m here.”

“Yes, that makes it much better,” you glared at him. You didn’t mean to be so fierce with him, but it happened. The frustration and pain you had felt for weeks resurfaced as pure, red anger. “Why did you ask me to come here? I could get fired.”

“We’ve done worse that you could easily be fired for as well.”

Your ears burned. You silently thanked the team that said they didn’t have time to hook you up with a wire.

“What do you want?” you asked again, crossing your arms over your chest.

Aaron smiled. It sent a chill down your spine. It wasn’t his smile. “Walk with me.”

“Why?”

“You’re full of questions tonight,” he mused, stepping closer to you, crowding your space in the way you used to love. His eyes scanned your face. “Why are you nervous?”

“You threatened to kill me the last time we spoke, so.”

“I told you not to give me a reason to,” he clarified, as if it made it sound any better. “Is there a reason you’d like to share?”

You thought of the police cars silently surrounding the perimeter. Reid and Garcia worked to find where Philips might be with his son, to be one step ahead of Hotch. Prentiss and Morgan in one car, binoculars pressed to their eyes. Rossi and JJ waited in another car, coordinating how to take Hotch down if he ran.

“No,” you said firmly. “Are you going to talk or can I go back to sleep? I’m exhausted, thanks to you.”

“Ah, you know, then,” he replied, turning to walk away from you, down the paved path. “The unsub I killed last night.”

“Daniel Newman,” you said, following him. You watched Hotch scoff at the name. You pressed that point, “What?”

“He was an unsub.”

“Unsubs don’t have names now?”

He shot you a heated glare. He knew you were toying with him. You hadn’t expected it to get under his skin as much as it was.

“You’re the unsub now, Aaron. Do you have any idea of the consequences of what you’ve done?”

“They should thank me for what I’m doing!” he yelled, spinning around to face you. His eyes were wide with fury, an anger so misplaced that you wondered if it was even anger anymore. “These men should’ve never gotten off easy! They killed families! Wives, children!”

“You killed Foyet, Aaron!” you yelled right back, wondering if any of the team was able to hear you. Your voice echoed around you in the empty park. “He’s gone. You finished it. What the hell are you doing now?”

“Actually finishing it,” he snapped, his eyes haunted. “You have no idea what I’ve been through. Losing Haley, losing Jack— I saw him. Last night, I swore he was there, but I know we buried him. I lowered his coffin myself but I keep seeing him. So don't tell me what to do. You have no idea.”

You watched with each word as Aaron crumbled and crumbled and crumbled. Your face fell when he mentioned seeing Jack, seeing the ghost of a forever little boy who will never grow up. And a father who would never forgive himself for any of it.

“Aaron, please,” you whispered, stepping closer, unable to stand it when he was like this. The tears gathering in his eyes, the broken sound from his chest when you touched him gently. “Come here.”

He let you, and you were shocked, but you didn’t back down. You held him there, his head pressed into your shoulder, your fingers buried in his hair, shushing him. You had held him this way before, under completely different circumstances, though still about the loss.

“Aaron, please, come back with me,” you murmured. “We can get you help. We can fix this.”

“What will help is me finishing this.” The words are muffled into your neck, but broken and sobbed all the same.

“It’ll never be finished. You know that, Aaron,” you pleaded, lifting his head, both of your hands cupping his jaw. “Don’t do this. Look at me.” It took a moment, but he did, and he looked recognizable then. Only for a moment, you saw your Aaron. For the last time, though you didn't know it. “Don’t do this to yourself. You can stop now.”

He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“You can,” you argued, your fingertips digging into his cheeks. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I do. I have to,” he said.

It all happened so fast. The police lights grew brighter. Sirens faded and wailed into earshot. Screaming. Spinning. You wanted to cuss all of them out. I almost had him! I almost saved him! But you didn’t. You only thought you did.

“Aaron, please,” you cried as he slipped away from you, betrayal on his face, mixing with the tears that he now regretted having shed. Shame clouded his face. Anger took over next. “I’m sorry,” you sobbed, hands covering your mouth. “I’m so sorry, Aaron, please."

He said nothing. He ran.

[phunockery]

Trigger warning allergic reaction, random etymology facts pertaining to sexual acts, talking about death, the melodrama of trying not to die.

(Spoilers) If you're reading this, it means I survived the night.

This is a timed log after finding out I poisoned myself. I don't think I'll die from it but this sucks and I'm feeling emotional and melodramatic.

11:00ish

If I die tomorrow, I didn't mean to. I promise. I just wanted a drink. I usually don't, it usually upsets my stomach. But tomorrow I turn 34 and I was feeling frisky and wanted something to drink while I play my traditional birthday (and sad mood) game: Sonic 2. So I grab a Kirkland hard seltzer from the fridge. Never tried the brand, but it was black cherry and I like that.

I decided to try to time some of my runs, nothing serious. Beat a couple of my pbs feeling good.

After drinking about 1/4th of the seltzer and I notice that my head is feeling funny and I wonder how a 5% drink was making me feel like that. My game play gets bad, but I beat my PB on Chemical Plant 2.

Aquatic Zone is a mess, mild improvement in act 2... And I start feeling itchy. Hives are building. I grab some Benadryl, chew two and as my chest tightens I look up what could be causing this.

11:15

Apparently there is a filtering process called finning that run the alcohol through animal products, like gelatin.

That comes from pigs.

That I am deathly allergic to.

The company does not have to disclose this information and honestly this a best guess, because what else would make me allergic to an alcoholic beverage?

Now I am sitting here, trying to differenciate anxiety and anaphylaxis. Taking deep breaths, epi pen in hand. I'm not going to call 911 because I can't afford it, if you're mad, join the club. (🦅 Insert screams of eagles and freedom here 🇺🇲)

It's almost midnight. I am almost 34 and I am live blogging my allergic reaction because I have nothing else to do

'call 911' that is far too expensive and I don't want to leave my kids with massive amounts of debt because I decided to get treatment (eagle screaming and freedom noises here 🦅)

I messaged a few friends, but they're busy. My friend is probably going to kill me in the morning when she sees this if I'm not already dead.

I'll probably live... I once survived a wedding where the brides mother unintentionally tried to kill me. I was lucky then because there was a doctor in the house... But that was worse. I had lost my ability to breathe immediately.

I'm just itchy. Soooo itchy. I am covered in hives... It doesn't help that my other friend made dinner and no one put cast iron that has cooked bacon and allergy together yesterday... Which I suffered for. Granted I suffered less then than I am now. Now now, but still itchy and cramps.

11:30

I hope to make it to cramps. I should. I can still breath. I am just so itchy. I hate this. I should be getting rest so I can pretend to have a good birthday. Instead I will pretend to have a good birthday and deal with aaaallll the fallout of having a full allergic reaction.

11:35

Chest is no longer feeling tight. A friend has message saying they are going to bed. I sent a message asking if they have a few moments to just sit with me. I think it was too late, they're offline.

11:40 I'm still itchy. My legs, my arms, my scalp, my chest, my armpits... It all itches. This really sucks. (Remembers that sucks used to be a euphemism for bjs and this fact gives me the chuckles of strength).

11:45

double checked messages to other friends. All unread. Some are online, some are not. But I am still alone so you, future reader, remain my emotional support pen-pal.

The skin around my eyes is itchy like I was crying. I don't think I've been crying. I'm upset, but not like that.

Good news: this won't be my worst birthday.

My worst birthday was in 2009. I was BMT for the USAF and on my 19th birthday, two days before graduating, I was acting unusually confused, was sent to the hospital and diagnosed with viral meningitis. I was booted from the USAF shortly after recovering.

11:50 Hell this isn't even as bad the last 7 years that just got progressively worse. I was let go of my job on my 30th birthday and became disabled two days later. (Barely related). Last year I was coerced into going to a water park (I don't do good with loud noises any more) and I wound up breaking a tooth trying to swim in the shallow waters. My ex was not comforting about it and suggested that I not make a scene in front of my kids because they would get upset.

11:55 I can breathe a bit easier. Still left unseen and I turn 34 in 5 minutes.

3 minutes to go and I am trying to fight the sleepy of the Benny's until I feel less itchy.

2 more minutes, I really hope I don't die, my friends don't deserve to have a corpse in their guest room

12:05 made a happy birthday post on TikTok. My voice is definitely affected, but I can talk and breath.

Still left on unseen. I feel bad that they're going to wake up and find out that a friend reached out for help and help wasn't available. That is going to suck. Hopefully I'm still alive and can tell them they're good and deserve sleep.

12:20 a rando has become the first to wish me a happy birthday. A friend messaged to let me know they're glad I'm safe and they're going to bed so they can work in the morning. They hope I find someone to talk to. It looks like it is just you and me

12:23 the stomach has put in its bid for attention. I will spare you the details. The Benny's are taking effect. I am soooo tired and the body itches slightly less. Except around the eyes, it still feels like I've been crying

12:29 my apologies to my friend: I fear I have destroyed your toilet. It should be fine in the morning.

12:30 the stomach still hates me. I hate me. I just want to go to bed.

12:40 tired. Imma go to bed with my Epi Pen on the bedside table. I wake up to everything anyways. The sudden inescapable lack of breath should be more than enough to wake.

I could really use a 'there there's and a hug. And now my eyes are itchy again, at least I know why this time.

Good night.

[hel-phoenyx]

Kaizarz and Skuld (mentioned) belongs to @corneille-but-not-the-author, Oli to @thal-ent, Domhildr to @soupedepates and Meili (mentionned) to @azeler

Sometimes I miss the days when I was living alone. No one to police me on my sleep schedule, no people to wake up when i get up at night, no sad puppy eyes when I show up pale as a ghost with shadows under my eyes darker than my past.

Yet I stay here because they asked me to. And I won't lie, going back to my old house would wake up a shitload of coping mechanisms I thought I left behind me.

So, I grit my teeth, and open the door of my room the most silent way I can. I usually would get out by the roof, but Oli is probably flying outside and I don't want to risk them seeing me on top of the castle. Last time they spotted me they warned Kaizarz and I got an hour-long lecture about putting myself in danger.

Ha. Look who's talking, mister Tyrant-scourge.

Back to the matter at hand. I have to walk without my shoes, they're making too much noise on the stone flooring of the castle ; Still, I am not completely silent. The times I hate being 6'8''.

I needed to swim. I haven't gone to the ocean in a long time, I'm starting to miss it ; and I have a lot of things to think about. Skuld that warned me about a journey on boat sooner than I'd think ; Kaizarz's attitude since he went back from the assassination ; Everyone's attitude towards me, like they are happy I'm planning things with them.

I have to sort out my thoughts and for that nothing better than a swim in the moonlight, alone. But for the alone part, I need to escape the castle without being spotted. Kriss would do a ruckus just to spite me, or lecture me about waking junior up ; as for the others, I'm pretty sure they would tie me up to the bed until I sleep.

Really not my cup of tea, but well.

i'm almost at the end of the corridor in my room. The most terrifying obstacle, the stairs, are almost before me ; yet, once I pass this, I will be sure I won't get spotted by either my sister or my friends. I just need a few more steps-

"Well what do we have here."

Damn.

Busted.

And not by anyone I can bribe. No, the one standing on the stairs, arms crossed and pouting, is no one else than Kaizarz himself. Looking at me with disapproving eyes.

"Trying to run away on me again, Tyr ?"

"............ Nooooooooo ?"

He doesn't look that convinced. I mean, that was my worst lie in a long time. And I've lied to him a lot.

Worse is that he doesn't bulge. And there's no windows in sight. I am, definitely, stuck. Well played, Kai'. Sometimes I worry about how easy you can read me.

"... Alright, fine," I end up admitting after a few seconds of silence. "I was just going for a midnight bath."

"Without warning us ??"

Us ?- wait this was not Kaizarz. Don't tell me the others- Yeaah. Domhildr just got out of an arrow slit, an outraged look on her face. And, just perched on my shoulders, is Oli. So the whole gang predicted I was gonna get out this way. Skuld is not even among them.

Am I that predictable ?

I sigh.

"Really ? So everyone is piling up on me ?"

"Well I would, but you'd say no~"

"Domi, for the love of Ocean, not right now."

I didn't plan to give her an opening for that kind of joke, but that's on me. Luckily she stops before it gets too far. Don't wanna joke about that in front of Kaizarz, he already looks lost enough and I know it's not his thing.

She does wink at me, tho. Girl. Your relationship to sex is even more fucked up than mine, I won't give you an excuse for a coping mechanism, or to me for that matter.

My jaded looks earns me a worried stare from Kaizarz, and Oli holds a candy in front of me. I take it. Never was able to resist sweets. She knows how to control me.

"You good, Tyr ?"

No. But you don't need to know that, either of you.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Just need to get on the shore."

"Nothing will convince you to get back to your bed, huh ?"

Well there is something, but I would never dare ask either of them.

So in place I just throw hum a sarcastic smile.

"Bullseye, you Majesty."

He pouts. Gods, how long since I saw that face ?

"Com'ooooon, sleep is good for you..."

"You're one to talk, mister I'm camping in the stairs just to get a chance to catch me in the act."

"Heir of Vanasul doesn't need sleep."

I stare at him. Longly. Incredulously.

Is he really saying that in front of me ?

"Kaizarz."

"Yeaaaaah ?"

"I am Heir of Vanasul too."

And I can't believe he forgot that since my legacy is precisely why our relationship is so strained.

He has an embarassed smile. Seemingly he forgot, but it doesn't take long before he lose the embarassment and winks at me.

"Well I guess that's another proof I'm stronger than you."

Motherfucker- he is right, but still, right in the ego. I don't know if his spell is indeed more efficient than mine, he always had more magic than I, and that's a feat considering that besides his, my powers are the most potent people in the Kraken Coast have seen in a while.

I still know he's talking shit about not needing sleep. Magic, even the most powerful ones, exhaust your body. The Immortal King still feels fatigue, or so I've heard.

But hey, need to keep his spirits up. So I just smile.

"Sure you are. So. Can I go now ?"

"You know what ? I have a plan. Why don't we all come with you to the beach ?"

I don't even have time to answer to Oli before Domhildr cuts in, a huge smile on her face.

"Oooooh, good idea ! Like that, no Tyr alone with the intrusive thoughts..."

Little shit- well, I guess I wil have to accept the compromise because Kaizarz's face just lighted up and I can't say no to that sunny smile. Gods I'm weak to that man. He can control me so easily.

I guess that's why he's the king, and I'm the fallen prince.

"Fiiiiiiine. Let's just go."

They all smile.

I do, too.

****

"Having a good time, Tyr ?"

I'm sat on the shore with Kaizarz, looking at Domhildr and Oli building a castle through sand, splinters and pebbles. They're soaked in saltwater, since they play-fought before that. Me, I am pristine. Didn't want to join the fight, this is one I'd win.

I just shrugs to Kaizarz's question.

"Yeah, somehow. It just feels..."

Hollow.

Like we're in a memory but something's missing.

That something could be Meili, still exiled. Or the carefreeness of our younger years, before the incident, before the deaths, before everything.

I don't need to finish my sentence. He understands. I can read it on his trembling lid.

"Yeah, I see what you mean."

Can't continue that conversation like this. I just smile, a bit teasingly.

"Well, adding to that I would rather be in the company of the deep-sea fish, but..."

"Whaaaaat ? You think we're worse company that fucking fishes ? You wound me, Tyr, really, you do !"

Yeah right, you're smiling, you big dumbass. And that smile is the thing I want the most to see, far, far in front of stupid sea creatures.

That I won't ever tell you.

I have no right to.

My smile widens.

"Fishes don't bother me so I get out of my cave, Kaizarz."

"Oh there is another thing fishes can't do~"

Oh I know that look. Immediatly, I get up, just in time to avoid one 8'2'' goliath lunging at me arms wide open. No pinning me in the sand, thank you very much. Or else I am really gonna drown you.

He lifs his head from the ground, smiles at me with all his teeth, and I feel a laugh burning in my chest. The kind only he can create in me.

I am not strong enough to get it out.

In place, I just blast his face with my favorite water spell.

He screams, attracting Oli and Domhildr's attention.

"Oh com'on ! I was just trying to hug you !"

"Yeah right, "hug". No pining me on the ground, Kaizarz, or you're gonna suffer worse than a little water stream !"

"Bring it on, I'm waiting~"

You will wait a long time, my friend, I fear. But I know you don't mind. That's what astonishes me the most in you.

[destiel-wings]

I noted down my thoughts while I listened to the tortured poets department for the first time (every track in order) and here's my album reaction

1) fortnight

I like the sound, makes me feel like the album is going to sound like midnights 2.0

2) the tortured poets department

somehow this song sounds exactly like i was expecting it to sound. love it, it'll def grow on me

3) my boy only breaks his favorite toys

interesting melody. caught me from the first note.

4) down bad

probably my favorite so far??? definitely midnights 2.0, particularly, I'd say the album so far sounds like midnight rain

5) so long, london

HER VOICE HERE HELLOO

another possible favorite. the intro gives me a mixture of christmas vibes + death by a thousand cuts intro

6) but daddy, i love him

the intro gave me happier fearless album vibes (with super subtle country touches), but it sounds like its own song. this is pure taylor with a 5.40 minutes song 💖👌🏻

7) fresh out the slammer

interesting change of rythm in the middle of the song, like in evermore. I'll need to listen to it again

8) florida!!!

the song i was most excited about cause i LOVE florence + the machine!!! I'm so glad she actually sang in it, i really felt the collab and there is something magical about this song. I would expect nothing less from a collab with florence 😍❤ i loved hearing taylor explore these more haunted/epic vibes. It still felt coherent with the rest of the album

9) guilty as sin?

loved it from the intro, love the rythm. I don't know what it is about it but it made me think it seems like a song that might have been from the 90s, but with a modern midnights sound?? one of my favorites.

that "am i allowed to cry?" in the end? PERFECT.

i felt some super subtle 90s vibes in certain moments of the song?

10) who's afraid of little old me?

the intro is chefs kiss perfection. OMG I LOVE THE WHOLE OF IT SO BADLY. One of the best songs of the album, 100%. Immaculate vibes. Great lyrics. Original melody that isn't flat standard but still catchy.

11) I can fix him (no really i can)

this song is like if cowboy like me was written for ttpd. and I'm saying this in the best way possible. this song is evermore(album)-coded. the melody reminds me willow too. 11/10 👌🏻

12) loml

excellent intro, yes, give me a sad song!!!! my favorite songs very often are in the second half of the albums or towards the end. this one is absolutely beautiful. another favorite (there are already so many favorites for me and I'm still at track 12 💀)

"I wish i could unrecall how we almost had it all" yes taylor, kill me please 🥲🙃💔

13) I can do it with a broken heart

this one is you're on your own kid's sister. It adds up to Taylor's songs whose music is 🤩💖🎊🎉 while the lyrics are 💀🔪💔😞

one of the songs that i was claiming for myself from the title alone.

14) the smallest man who ever lived

you can understand from the very first (sigh) note that this one is going to be a high quality song. I think this is more or less how i expected this whole album to sound like. a quiet folklore poetry heavy album. --but OH!! the way the song builds up in the second half got me!! LOVE IT LOVE IT. another one of the best ones.

15) the alchemy

I liked it. It has less elements that grip you on the first listen but i think it's one of those songs you won't able to get out of your head once you get them.

16) clara bow

this one surprised me. liked it a lot.

17) the black dog

I had high expectations for this one. I liked it. I'll need to listen to it again.

18) imgonnagetyouback

this is where I'm starting to hear this album's sound as its own (as in different from midnights 2.0). all the vocals have been very cohesive throughout the tracks. I love them. there's something unhinged about this album as a whole and I'm HERE FOR IT.

19) the albatross

perfect intro, I just knew from then it was going to be a 10/10 track already. this one is another one of the best ones. perfect. THIS is how i thought the album would sound like.

20) chloe or sam or sophia or marcus

beautiful, beautiful song. again I'm hearing something from evermore.

21) how did it end?

THE PIANOOOO!!! 🥺 THE VOCALS!!! ANOTHER FAVOURITE, AND ONE OF THE BEST ONES.

Maybe even my favorite???

22) so high school

90s vibes!!! again, but with the modern sound of the album. maybe I'm the only one who hears the 90s vibes and I'm making it up in my mind, but there's something slightly retro about it. and her mentioning american pie in the lyrics kind of confirms it. I'm in love with this song.

23) I hate it here

"I hate it here so i will go to secret gardens in my mind" ME TOO TAYLOR, ME TOO. love the melody of this song, and the concept. there's something delicate about it.

24) thanK you aIMee

i love that there's something from the past in this album, like taylor went back to her high school years bringing back old wounds and relating to how she is now.

25) I look in people's windows

what I'm loving about this album is how much more intimate it seems, compared to midnights. the sound may seem similar at first, but even that one is more intimate. It's less constructed, more unhinged at times, like she's writing her diary again, and that's something she hasn't done in a while, since folklore and evermore featured characters and stories that weren't necessarily autobiographical

26) the prophecy

I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS SOUND 😭😭😭 the whole album, and this song. It sounds so good. Another favorite.

27) cassandra

right there in my alley. immaculate vibes. I may cry this song is so beautiful. how much of a clown would that make me to say this is another favorite??

28) peter

why does taylor always put her best songs at the end of her albums, or in the extra/deluxe songs??? I'm in love with this one too, dammit. the melody and music is so perfect. one of the best ones??

29) the bolter

there's something of the early taylor in this song?? it's so cute

30) robin

ohhh. dreamy. something solemn, like a dreamy hymn? I can picture her sitting at the piano playing it, in front of an open window on a sunny morning with lots of green trees outside on the second floor.

31) the manuscript

again, somwhow this sounds exactly like i thought it would sound like. "but the story isn't mine anymore" hit 👌🏻🥺🥹

I think this album is going to be a little masterpiece. So many great songs. Catchy, but not in an obvious way. Very intimate. Emotional.

GENERAL THOUGHTS:

I'm obsessed already. I'm just mad at taylor for giving us incredible albums with half of them being digital only.

[payservewomen]

I’m tempted to say “I’ve hit a new low”😔 but in reality, I’ve been at rock bottom for…a very long time. Years I suppose.

But at least a few years ago, I interacted with women outside of work. But now? I don’t even leave my bedroom on my days off from work.

I sit on my bed, watching humiliation clips; calling ignore phone lines; taking embarrassing photos of myself; edging myself, oftentimes for many hours(almost never less than 4hrs. up to 12hrs)

The one newer development is- I’ll edge for a while, but then the sadness/anxiety makes me go limp….or i’ll be semi hard but my loser penis only grows slightly larger.

It’s like i’m trying to keep in as small as possible, because I know it should be teeny tiny. It CAN grow to 7in but considering how pathetic I am, part of me wishes I had a microdick. Then I could forget these thoughts i have of becoming a normal person again.

Then I could search 24/7 for a superior woman who wants to use and abuse me.

I fantasize about meeting a woman and dating….Getting comfortable with her to the point that I’m able to do the best I’m capable of in making her orgasm…. But then we open up and share kinks etc….and i know as time goes on, there will be many times my dick doesn’t work.

Slowly over time, she realizes just how much of a beta i am, and begins flirting with real, confident men.

By this time, we’re living together; Maybe one month she asks me to cover all the rent, then bills and spends her money on going out….Then a “friend” of hers(maybe with a unisex name that’s usually a woman’s name)is coming into town; she offers our place to stay….Tells me to make dinner etc saying “ali loves lobster tails and filet mignon! I know ur low on money, but it’s ok! I’ll still have enough left until ur next paycheck! Thanks sweetie! Maybe we’ll meet at the airport, then I’ll let you know when we’re on our way, flight gets in i think about 5pm but who knows if it’ll be on time”

I get off work, begin prepping everything….texting her asking if ali’s plane arrived at 5:30….”it did but we’re tryna find the luggage etc. With traffic it’ll take quite a while, plan for a late dinner!”

By 6:30, still nothing, so i text then call to find her phones off.

I figure she’ll probably be walking in any minute….So i check the “find my iphone” tryna be extra sweet and have everything timed perfectly. I see it moved from the airport towards home and begin making dinner….Until i realize another hour has passed. I check it again to see it’s been somewhere between home and the airport for 2 hours now!

Next thing i know, it’s 10, then 11, then 12 midnight!

I’m dozing off and finally see a text “Omg babe i’m sorry! I lost track of time! Ali said getting a hotel room would be easier, and we’ve just been catching up but ugh it got so late and you know how i don’t like to drive at night anyway, so I’m just gonna stay here tonight, see ya tomorrow!”

I just fall asleep, and wake in the AM to see several weird video texts from a number i don’t know….I hear giggling and a man’s voice….almost seeming like someone’s trying to record something and my gf saying “no stop don’t! that’s mean ali!” There’s at least 4-5 clips like that, the last one ending with my girlfriends sexy belly on the screen. I figure ohhh they’re just having fun i guess? But it did give me a bad feeling in my stomach….

Those vids were sent at about 1am. Then at 2am, just a close up of what i’m sure is my gf’s skin, but i can’t tell what part of her body…..but the audio on it was simply my gfs voice sounding like she’s whining or moaning or something? and saying “mmmmm ohhhhk fuck it”

Then 30mins later the clip begins blacked out, but with clear audio…just sounds like licking and slurping….Then a man’s voice “yeah worship it bitch. Now, say it” then the phone moves, showing an arrogant looking man smiling, then it slowly pans down over his entire perfectly fit muscular body….very slowly, stopping on each part of his stunningly perfect body….i mean this guy had an 8pack! Absolutely chiseled in every way. Then it stops to show his abs and v-lines, and then slowly shows his balls���I didn’t know balls could actually be that big!

Then slowly as possible, the camera moves to show the thickest cock i’ve ever seen!

Then the vids stop…but there’s a text at 4am with only an address….my gf knows i wake up for work at 4am…

i call and text her but her phones off ofc. I go to work, and finally around noon, my gf calls saying she’s going shopping with Ali, saying she didn’t bring any of her credit cards asking if i’ve got any money left…i tell her i’m not sure how much, but i’ve got $500 in a sportsbook app from winning the night before…”omg babe that’s perfect! Don’t worry i can move it from there, is it your normal password?” I answer yes, and ask her just to leave at least $100 or so….

And ask if theyre gonna be having dinner tonight…”yeah sweetie we are! I’ll let you know when we’re on the way”

I ask her wtf all those vids were. and who that guy was and she replies “huh? Wait what? You’re telling me you got videos from a random number?! And it had a perfect man’s body with a horse cock?! Lol babe i dunno what websites you’ve been visiting but i’d imagine it’s something to do with that!🤣 What?! u think i’m cheating on you with an old friend or something?! jk! Love u babe”

I hang up the phone and immediately get the same text with the same address, i look up the address to find a really really nice hotel is there. Then another text comes through simply saying “penthouse suite, beta cuck”

Then another text….just a screenshot of a receipt from stub hub for tickets to the nuggets game that night, 5:10pm. 2 tickets, $250 each, wow, better than i’ve ever had for sure.

Then one more text again with the hotels address, saying “ur welcome to stop by whenever, but i suggest you either wait for us to get there or something. not getting up to open the door if we busy fuckin. Can’t wait to see your bitch ass cry🤣”

This one hits me like a ton of bricks and it’s feeling more n more that it’s gotta be exactly what it seems….but no way she’d do this to me!

The great part of our relationship is complete and total honesty and openness! My gf, allison is kinky and loves to be a dirty slut, and we have talked about her fucking others, maybe even a gangbang!

But we’d only done a handful of super kinky things….we’re both submissive so it’s kinda hard to push it and try really crazy n kinky things….we both need that more aggressive attitude!

But i know she loves me deeply. We’ve such an intensely strong emotional connection, more than either of us ever have!

Still no word from my gf and it’s 8pm. At 9pm she finally texts me but it’s the exact same as from the other phone number and it’s just the hotel address and room number…..I call her back, and it rings and rings until going to voicemail. Maybe she didn’t hear it, i call again…it rings 3-4times, less than the last time, then goes to voicemail. I try again and it rings twice then voicemail….Again, same thing. I call yet AGAIN, prob the 6th time and it goes straight to voicemail!

I check the phone locator app and see her phone was at ball arena(nuggets play there)the length of the game….and moved to exactly where the hotel is.

I get dressed, now fearing the worst, but thinking “ok this makes no sense! Either she’s playing some joke on me; something weird like that or some surprise for me?”But i do realize that the most likely thing is…maybe she’s been partying with her friend, she cheated and isn’t sure how to deal with me…..But what’s up with the pics etc? ofc she’s aware of my pervy kinks etc, and she’s prob making it seem like she’s cheating on me, i’m hoping!

I walk to the light rail station, and get on the train….Ugh yeh don’t have the money to get an uber…i checked my bet365 account to see its at zero!

Wtf?! I had some futures bets….ones i could cash out for about $250 total, but they were all just cashed out! i’ve not one bet at all and no money here!

I see that $800 was withdrawn and my bank account was credited $800! But $500 used for the tickets, and $300 spent at some weird fancy store downtown.

Ok that’s it i’ve gotta see what’s up as i’m sitting on the train, mind running wild. Fuck, i gotta get off and walk 20mins, then get a bus!

I get off the train, walking to the bus stop…..Bus finally comes and oh fuck, as i’m tryna buy a bus ticket on the app(for $2.75) It dawns on me “fuck i don’t have enough money in my account” i look at the driver and say “i’m not sure why it’s not working” he looks at it and says “yeah cuz you’re card is being declined, sorry” and closes the doors.

I’m defeated and want to cry. Looking at google, i see it’ll take 2.5 hours to walk there….

It’s now almost 10pm and i consider going back home, but then wtf?! I can’t just sit at home wondering wtf is going on!

So i walk and walk…i watch the clip again and again of the perfect man’s body, fantasizing that the woman i’m in love with is cheating on me in the meanest way possible….Finally, it’s after midnight and I arrive at the hotel….I ask the front desk how to get to the penthouse, and she tells me “the elevator is right over there, but Sir, there isn’t anyone staying there right now”

I thank her and walk away tryna figure out what to do.

I text my gf asking why she texted me that address. she texts back right away with another address! I lose it and call a few times, each time it’s sent to voicemail. I text her back yelling “OK WTF is going on?! What’s your problem? Tell me what’s happening right fucking now!”

She texts back “i’m sorry sweetie, i didn’t mean to upset you! Just having fun with my friend, sorry guess i didn’t realize….I’ll be home tonight, but we’re out, omg babe i’m so drunk! I’ll see you at home, probably late!”

So i begin to walk back home…and remember the light rail isn’t running anymore….Now, I’ve got a 3.5 hour walk!

Finally i arrive home, it rained a little and i’m soaked, socks wet, and miserable and exhausted….

I open the door and hear slurping sounds and my gf giggling. My heart sinks and i already know what’s happening….I yell “wtf are you laughing about?! The fuck is wrong with you, ur being a fucking bitch!”

And i see the same man from the clips emerge from my bedroom, butt naked….he’s holding my favorite shirt, sweat dripping off his immaculate body and he wipes it off, then wipes his asshole with it, now it has skidmarks and throws it at me, saying “wtf did you say bitch?”

I ask who he is and what he’s doing at my place he replies “whatever tf i feel like doing faggot!” I say no it’s my place, and no i’m not gay” i emphasize gay, since i’m not a fan of bigotry and homophobia…”yeh didn’t say your gay, but you ARE a bitch ass faggot! Wtf you gonna do about it, huh? that’s wtf i thought, now, on your knees…obey or i’m gonna beat you up so badly….maybe you’ll get outta the hospital by the time i get out of jail, but it’s your choice” while making his pecs bounce in a very intimidating way. he walks up to me cracking his knuckles saying “ya know, i really DO hope you put up a fight; nobody ever wants to fight me” I look him up and down, knowing he’d kill me quickly….He’s gotta be a foot taller than me….im 5’9 and he’s gotta be at least 6’6!

I ask if i can take my shoes and wet socks off first and he laughs then slaps me in the face, open handed but hard, immediately followed by a left handed slap, i lose my balance and stumble to my knees, then i say “ok ok” on my knees looking up at him.

“Thank me for bullying you. Do it bitch” i thank him, he laughs, spits on me and gives me a wedgie….i make noise indicating it’s hurting, and he proceeds to give me an atomic wedgie…laughs then demands i take my clothes off but keep my wet socks on….

He laughs hysterically at my dick and shouts “baby, how tf were you actually fucking THIS?! omfg, ok come on slut”

And i see my love…she’s crawling on all fours..crawls up to this greek god and begins kissing his feet. She works her way up his legs, as she kisses and licks literally every inch of his perfect body.

Ali then says “ok now, don’t make me tell you again”

She looks me directly in my eyes “Bobby, keep looking in my eyes, ali says we must keep eye contact and he’s in charge here, ok? Please listen to what he says, i don’t want you to get hurt, i really don’t…not physically anyway. I say that because i i i DO want you to get emotionally hurt. I am sorry but when Ali told me he wanted to fuck me, i told him about you. Over months he kept teasing me for fucking such a loser; i love you but you are a loser. He’s been sending me pics of him, and the girls he fucks and omg babe, they cum so hard, and I fondly remembered being fucked by ali. I broke up with him cuz he cheated constantly and i thought that wasn’t ok, Now i realize how superior he is. It’s a small price to pay to be allowed to touch a superior man, im sure you understand. After i admitted how badly i wanted him he began insulting you and making fun of you. He made me take pics and record our sex, and that’s why i haven’t cum in so long, he said i wasn’t allowed with a loser like you. Ali is a sadist, he loves to make women worship him and loves nothing more than breaking beta men like you. That’s not an insult; you’re a beta, he’s an alpha, ya know?

He’s been planning for months to do this….it’s his masterpiece of destroying a loser!”

By this time i’m crying, tears streaming down my face…

“now bobby, we’re recording all of this and you’re now going to thank ali for making your fantasies come true. I know it hurts; the goal is to break you. Ali and i will marry, and you will work for us and live in a tiny room in the basement. U will be used and abused. I know it hurts but this is your new life now. Sure you can run away or something, but then ali will send all the vids and clips to your entire contact list.

But right now you’re going to beg ali to let you eat his sweaty asshole, do it you fucking piece of shit!” By this time ali is rubbing her pussy with his foot and it’s making her horny af….mmm fuck, i fucking hate you loser!” And she spits on me, confusing and hurting me.

I begin to beg to eat his asshole….

And wow, I began this planning on just whining about being so sad and pathetic but then wrote all this…wow i’ve got issues

[missseeker]

The Stupid Things I Often Do - A Poem for Baxter Ward

When you left, I broke. Down, down, down...Never left my house, and cried without command. For days, for weeks, it broke me. For months, for years, it's scorned me. My mums just wanted me to eat. My friend just wanted me to sleep But me? I just wanted to dream of a place no longer here...

When I finally came out, it didn't help Not the people, the stores, not even the wind The only thing I found again was her, The silent moon.

I sobbed and she didn't judge I cried and prayed, but she didn't budge I told her all of what you'd done... And she seemed to feel for me.

I still sit up at night, guided only by her light And talk to her of you, when you come back into my mind. I dare not do it in front of others, they'd think me crazy still Crazy for keeping a kind of hope, one that has yet to wilt.

As time's gone on, I learned to cope. My friends were ecstatic when I drank just a Coke. My mums were happy to see me outside But really I just learned to hide, it all.

About that time I took up my brush, wilted, disused, almost painting with rust I made a pretty picture once, of a girl alone in the cold sand, and with her only friend, the moon. My loved ones thought it was a sign, that I was moving on just fine But really I made it just to remind, remind myself of you.

It still hangs across the room from me Forever there when I wake or sleep, there to remind and comfort me Even when the bed is cold beneath my fingertips, and I find myself all alone Your memory is there to hold me, together.

I taste of peppermint tea now, but it's not how I like to drown, my taste buds. In fact, I'm partial to lemon, but I find that peppermint tastes of you. So I always keep at least one box at home, in the back corner of my cabinet So that when I am cold, and sad, alone, I can always have it.

I don't drink champagne at parties anymore, Because I can't get the memories of before, to go away It still tastes like midnight, and cupcakes, and late-night decisions And I can't bring myself to stop reminiscing, when I taste it.

That condo just a few doors down, it's empty every summer now Even with new people there, I can't help but stop and stare At the door, the last place I saw you go, back when it was still your home And now I can't go inside again, even if I was invited in.

I dress in colors still, bright and bold, but sometimes it gets old So when I feel it coming on, the sadness, I dress to meet it In black and white, what you wore back then, so when the feelings come in Maybe you can come along with them, and still recognize me.

I now wear a floral perfume, but not the one I used to I used to smell like sunflowers and sky, but now I smell of roses and night And all because the scent smelt so familiar when I found it It smelt of you, and a white shirt draped over my swimsuit outfit.

I can't seem to dance anymore, for every time I step to the floor I look down just hoping to see another pair of shoes besides mine. But every time, I silently pray they're you, or they have the skills to fill your place, And they're not, and they don't, and the disappointment just won't let go of my face.

And the stupidest thing I still choose to do? I still have not let go of you, even though if I did I know I could be loved again, but by a nicer boy with blueish eyes But to me, they seem so dull, and I do despise, that they're not brown

He would gladly kiss away my pain, dance with me in pouring rain Take me away if I asked him to do so But we both know I can't do so, because I still need my hope Even if it makes me lost, left behind in the Cali dust.

I still see him hang around, waiting in this stupid town For someday when my head comes down, out of the clouds And I don't know who's stupider. The girl who waits on a fever dream? Or the boy who is okay looking after her?

So I've spent these years, aging and waiting For that dust to clear, for maybe then you'll be able to find me But until then I'll still stand sadly at the shore, forevermore Just talking with the moon.

(Originally posted on AO3 under A Book of Poetry by Jamie Last. Thought I would repost it here too to open up this page!)

[gyllenhaalstories]

Hi there! Love your blog 💕 How and when did you get into Jake? What was your first film with him? The film that made you become a fan? Thanks!☺️

hiiiii! thank you, i'm happy to know you enjoy it! oh my god, you're giving me another opportunity to ramble? you're too generous! 🥰❤️ short answer: i started mostly around 2019 and the movie that did it for me is demolition. long answer? this novel i wrote below!

my first jake movie had to be prince of persia although i have no memory of watching it as a kid. i just know i did because my dad played the video game and this sounds like a movie he'd watch too. when prisoners came out on dvd in 2013, i asked my parents to rent the movie because i liked hugh jackman as wolverine. if wolverine is funny, that means prisoners will be funny too, right? WRONG. i was so wrong. i spent almost the entire movie hidden under a blanket, i remember the stares my parents gave me. i was so embarrassed. but i also remember that one good looking man on the screen, wink wink (or well, blink blink) the only jake movies i watched after that were love & other drugs and brokeback mountain. both made me cry, so i loved them. i would stay up late (back in the day when i thought midnight was late) and watch them on television. other than that, my life used to be a sad dark lonely gyllenvoid.

ah, the glorious day when i saw the poster for spider-man far from home. i took a photo, i made sure to crop the guy with the cape, i didn't care for him. pff. i wanted spider-man! i kept telling myself that there was this one dude in the trailer that reminded me of someone, but i couldn't replace him. until i connected the dots!!! that hello quentin / yeah hi honey scene had me shaking in my seat. i came home, i tried googling his name in five different spellings until i got it right. i asked a friend at the time if she knew about jake because i had this new crush on him and she was like "this crush isn't new, you just forgot he existed" (i was juggling with other famous hot men who are double my age, i was busy). so apparently i was into him and i didn't even know about it! anyway! i started looking through jake's tag for gifs and photos, then for fics, then i thought it'd be nice to make a blog to appreciate and reblog the fics (this is when i became a fan of nat and maria from afar! and now they're my friends and i love them so much). a few months after that, i was like sure why not maybe i can write my own stories too. i made this blog at the end of 2019 and here i am, five years later!!! my obsession for jake is stronger than ever.

i stuck to mysterio and jake fics for a while, his filmography was intimidating and it lacked in barbie movies so i was not THAT motivated to get through it at first. i kept an eye on movies that played on television for something he could be in and i found one: enemy. i know jake recently suggested enemy as one of the first movies of his to start with but i could not disagree more. the spiders? yeah no. enemy was my enemy. i saw that it played on a different channel, in english this time, so i gave it a shot. i was intrigued... i went to his wikipedia page and picked one of the shortest movies in his register: demolition. i've said it before and i'll say it again, i loved demolition so much that i watched it twice in the same evening. demolition is the movie that got me hooked. i couldn't understand how underrated it used to be, people barely brought it up! it almost made me forget the spider debacle of enemy, i just wanted to see more of jake.

i'm almost through with his entire filmography now! it's taken me a long time, but i'm proud of myself for watching so many movies that are out of my usual taste. it made me discover so many sides of jake's talent and so many characters that live rent free in my mind. if i could go back in time, i would still choose demolition as the great leap into the jake gyllenhaal multiverse. you didn't ask for all this rambling but shhhh details. i'm curious to know your answer to this question too!!! thank you again, anon! 💖💖💖

[thefallenangelsgang]

snippet saturdays are the best saturdays

it's finally Saturday! I got tagged by the lovely @heylittleriotact

(their fic Open Invitation and their characters Echo and Senna (especially Senna, sorry Echo) have me in a choke hold of epic proportions)

ANYWHO this is a snippet from "Chapter 1" referenced in my WIP Tag Game post under Old Man Madness and a Young Man's Sin. It's the same story as my Edge of Midnight Oneshot By Any Other Name and also a revised version of this opening line lmao

________________________

I am piss drunk, beaten, bruised, and dirt fucking poor.

I’m out of money, full stop. Stagecoach passage as far as they would take me, a room for tonight, a bottle of cheap liquor, and every single one of my coins are in other people's hands. It’s ridiculous. I can’t remember the last time my coin purse was this empty. 

Deep inside I know I have to sell it. I have to. What little money I would be making working with the stagecoach is going towards my discounted fare and meals. I need coin if I’m going to make it to the coast and leave this all behind, but the chances that this patch of frontier contains a single person with enough wealth to come even close to its value is so slim it’s almost negligible. No, it will have to wait until we get closer to a major city and then I’ll find some rich fool fond of pretty things who’s willing to part with their coin. A wizard perhaps? They might be interested in the pearls, but the idea of cannibalizing it for parts makes me feel sicker than the spirits sitting in my stomach.

This tavern is sad. It almost would be comical if I didn’t look right at home drowning myself in the bottom of my bottle. To my right, a man is sleeping off a fresh beating. It sounded like nasty business when it happened and if I wasn’t so drunk right now I’d have offered to stitch up the split in his eyebrow. It's definitely going to scar. To my left a working girl stares into the middle distance, taking pulls from something that smells herbal. Her eyes have this glassy quality, I’m trying to decide if it’s what she’s smoking or not. It doesn’t smell like anything I’m familiar with.

You know what? This is comical. I just don’t have the energy to laugh. 

What am I doing here? I’m the daughter of one of Lathander’s holiest families! Me? The picture of despondence? I should be back in Cironn but no, I had to fling everything they handed me on a silver platter back in their stupid faces. I could have had pretty, easy things I only had to sell my soul to achieve. A simple price for simple things, but I had to be born with a backbone and a self-sabotaging rebel streak.

Enough, I down the tail-end of whatever it is I’ve been drinking. I just threw down three coins and asked for the strongest bottle that I could buy. 

I’m going to bed.

________________________

tagging (no pressure, I just appreciate them <3): @helena-bug @fablewritesnonsense @just-another-wasteland-merc @cthulhusstepmom @caesarflickermans @druidgroves @totally-not-deacon

[couragehopelovefaith]

As an answer to @carladuquette:

Mike Flanagan character draft

Rules are simple: pick your top 6 characters from the Flanaverse. Series only! If a character appears at different ages, specify which one you want on your team. Can be characters you love, love to hate, whatever. Ready? GO!

(There will be no Midnight Club-characters, because I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it since I know that the cancellation would frustrate me to no end, if I got myself engaged to it.)

This was way harder than I thought it would be! So many others would deserve to be here as well. If you haven't seen these shows and want to avoid spoilers, stop here.

But okay, here we go...

Riley Flynn (Zach Gilford, Midnight Mass)

It tells a lot that I saw Midnight Mass for the first time just this Easter, but I couldn't imagine anyone else getting the first place. Such an underrated character. He had such a sad backstory and a kind soul...he truly did his best and helped so many people when he had every possibility to be selfish. His relationship with Erin was very special too. I guess he got his happy ending in a way, but all the possible could've beens and fix-it-fics about him that I will probably never write haunt me.

2. Luke Crain (Oliver Jackson-Cohen, The Haunting Of Hill House)

I debated with myself for a long time, which Crain-twin I should put here, but Luke and his journey just moved me deeply. I'd like to write much more about him, but it would become an essay so I'll pass. It would be so inspiring to see Riley and him to have a conversation, now that I think about it. During my every single Flanagan deep-dive, I am awed how Oliver could play both Luke and Peter - such opposite characters - so believably. *standing ovation*

3. Hassan Shabazz (Rahul Kohli, Midnight Mass)

I had an eeny, meeny, miny, moe whether the third prize should go to him or Owen, but I had to pick this loving father and a wonderful sheriff. In this case, I can't even fully explain why, but he just managed to stand out from the middle of all these other fantastic characters in an unique way.

4. Verna (Carla Gugino, The Fall Of The House Of Usher)

I feel like I don't really even have to explain myself when it comes to this choice. Carla has always been talented and beyond, but she really exceeded herself in this role. In the wrong hands, this character could've become very corny and comical, but with her behind the wheel, there was no fear of that. I lost count how many times I got shivers, was lifting my jaw off the floor and crying while watching Verna. I almost wanted to include a gif of her and Arthur (since I love him too), but I thought it might be cheating, so...

5. Hannah Grose (T'Nia Miller, The Haunting Of Bly Manor)

Okay, listen... I love Dani and Jamie, both as a couple and as individuals, and their story is very bittersweet and heartbreaking. But when I think of Bly Manor, my mind always travels first to Hannah, her relationship with Owen and to episode 5. She is amazing and deserved the world. A little restaurant in Paris, with the love of her life... Gaah, even writing about it makes me tear up!

6. Tamerlane Usher (Samantha Sloyan, The Fall Of The House Of Usher)

I almost feel bad for not putting Lenore here, because she obviously was the purest one of the Ushers and didn't deserve what she got in the end. But I can't help being intrigued by Tammy and her complexity. Surely, she is far from perfect - quite a despicable human being, actually - but the episode centered around her made me feel a bit sorry and sympathetic towards her. She is my favorite Usher-sibling (Leo being a really close second) and belongs on this list. Samantha deserves way more recognition of all her roles, to be honest.

Phew, I did it! *victory dance*

Anyone can participate. Let's show appreciation to this marvelous saga, pretty please.