#heavy and scared and in pain

[macaroni-rascal]

I am having a bad day

[bunnieswithknives]

RAHHHh ok comics done I can post this now!!! He is having the worst possible time

[athousandbyeol]

oh, my God. this episode is so intense. i think i'm still in a daze. but i'm trying my best to make sense of everything i understood from today's episode.

opening the episode with bernoulli's principle—all about two objects [people, in this context] coming together, colliding, because of the wind [in this context, attraction, love]—is such an amazing way of setting the tone of the episode. everything feels so bittersweet, hopeless and hopeful from the get-go.

sheng wang's sense of loneliness, jiang tian's nature of reluctance, all those things mingling together in this emotionally charged connection they've built, was so poignantly portrayed in this episode. somewhat, they're in a turbulent state—whether to stop the wind from blowing at them, so that they would no longer be close.

the scene where sheng wang was asking jiang tian to carry him, honestly, that is so painful. because i think, all sheng wang wanted at that moment was a connection—he wanted to hug jiang tian. he wanted to be close. he just wanted so much of jiang tian that he thought, maybe, if he asked jiang tian something silly, the latter would agree. he did. he would know, right? i guess that feeling of relief and happiness and love and acceptance dawned on him. and it was so overwhelming.

but what hurts me more is how jiang tian could only watch sheng wang's grip around his wrist. there was hesitance in his eyes. there was want. there was desire. but he couldn't. he didn't want to be close.

so sheng wang crossed the line again. the only way he could ever be this close to jiang tian was to make the first move.

and later, we finally knew that jiang tian has always been pushing people away. he didn't want that connection. he was afraid of hurting them—hurting himself.

and throughout the rest of the episode, uncle ding's "don't let jiang tian push you away," became a recurring motif. we saw sheng wang and jiang tian becoming close. we saw jiang tian openly showing that he cared (the express card was sheng wang's; jiang tian bought it for him). jiang tian standing up for sheng wang; believing in him.

and it all crumbled the moment jiang tian said, "i would stay [at school] later."

because it isn't because jiang tian didn't care about sheng wang. he cared. he cared so much. but jiang tian is afraid too. he's afraid of this connection. he's afraid of being close. because what will happen if they are closer? what will change between them? what will happen to them? isn't what they have right now are already good enough?

all of sheng wang's attempts at making jiang tian stay are in vain. "i couldn't make you stay."

when he said, "the more one tries, the more pathetic they look," somehow insinuates that sheng wang felt that he was pathetic for being the one who showed more effort—the one who wanted to be with jiang tian—the one who wanted to be close.

and sheng wang finally stated the real reason why he loathes bernoulli's principle, "it sounds like 'effort in vain'. and i hate that."

because he felt that everything he did—everything he shared with jiang tian—was only in vain.

[haru-chi]

Okay, let's talk about the recent Natuyuu chapter for a little bit ... and something that just moved me to tears ><

let's ignore that the appearance they teased was for the cats and not what I wanted and wished for which's fine I'm fine I knew it was impossible .. yet hoped nonetheless

the chapter was really cute indeed, but I was shocked that the Reiko's pic was gonna be addressed right after the reveal !!! that took me by surprise yet a very happy one to confirm what I was saying back then ...

but before that, the way Natsume started to realize and know for sure that that might've been Reiko by remembering his father was too much for me ...

this chapter was such a good demonstration of how much our little sunshine has grown so much emotionally ... I was tearing up seeing him trying very hard to remember that blurry memory of his father taking him to an amusement park T^T

the boy who forced the memories out of his system so as not be broken down by it .. the same boy who refused to see the only parents' picture he had so that he won't be hurt or cry when he sees them ... who always pretending to be fine talking about his real family .. who ran away from any mention of them that he just purged any faint memory he once had till the point he really forgot everything related to them despite how this act of itself was hurting him deeply ...

this same boy right now is doing his best to remember his own father .. to remember a said precious memory .. he was trying really hard something the past Natsume would never do .. but sadly, all he managed was those blurry images .. he no longer remembers his father's face .. yet he wasn't broken down or sad .. he was actually happy as if he holds something dear to him .. that even if it's blurry, even if he no longer remembers it much ... the fact that it exists no matter how faint it was was enough for him .. he does have such a happy memory inside of him afterall .. he was content by this alone .. not pain or sadness but happy to know it was there ..

I can't say it well enough how much he has grown up now ...

and when by the end he did remember this faint memory very clearly .. he didn't cry or was sad (I sure was tho) No, he was very happy as if he was above the clouds dreaming something nice ... even Madara comment that he was weirdly happy and daydreaming ...

this was just ... how to say it ... it just moved me to tears with happiness ..

and his father ... his father was such a kind loving father which just break my heart even further .... Natsume didn't cry but I cried in his place ... even tho I was also happy and proud of him so much ..

Now to Reiko ...

I really was happy how Midorikawa-sensei proved my point when I said that Natsume lacks the ability to recognize a happy Reiko because he just never seen her like that, so even when that picture was indeed Reiko Natsume's mind was like "a girl that looked like Reiko" ... I won't dig deeper for this since I already did for a bit in a different post.

"if that picture was indeed Reiko, is the reason I didn't recognize her because that was an expression I have never seen before ?? I think that smile perhaps was ...."

the way Midorikawa-sensei let Natsume realize that through his father's memory was clever yet cruel to me .. while also proving that that smile was indeed toward someone she loved (her husband) .. a kind of smile that you show to someone dear to you like the loving smile Natsume's father showed to him in that memory ...

now was the artist her husband ?? or was it a 3rd party who knows both of them, so they only captured the moment ?? in the first place why was her picture in an exorcist auction ?? I guess that the next question that Natsume needs to address now that he confirmed she was indeed Reiko :)

slowly but surely, the grandfather reveal is upon us and I'm here for it and all the pain he will bring with Reiko's full story :)

PS : a funny thought that occurred to me when Natsume was thinking " what kind of person will buy that picture I wonder?" and my mind went "who knows, maybe he will be Yorishima as plot twist" as if that shut-in exorcist will go to auctions or even leave his house for that matter xDD

[cowboah-baby]

i’m housesitting for my parents this week so my dad shows me how to empty some kind of a well under their house when it’s raining— he points inside the dark well with a flashlight and says there’s two very important snails living there. i see them —these kinda snails are rare in finland and it’s december, so i’m slightly baffled at this point.

dad says i shouldn’t open the well’s cover if it’s freezing, so his snails wouldn’t freeze to death. i promise to keep his two (2) rare snails alive and unfrozen. dad says it’s important they stay alive because he keeps them around for their radiation.

i ask dad what kinda radiation his rare snails emit. dad shrugs and smiles, covering the well gently.

i ask him about it the next day and he says i’m being silly, snails don’t do a thing like that. irradiated snails, in his well? preposterous.

[transmogrified-in-the-void]

Very happy I'm going back to therapy next week

[bmpmp3]

i do think its kinda funny when i see someone in the year of our lord 2024 talk about vocal synth music like its all gone downhill since like 2010 because like dont get me wrong i love a good niconicodouga-ass 2008 ass vocaloid joint BUT also like. the past couple years have had the most fascinatingly creative and expressive uses of vocal synthesizers ive ever heard in my life DJFSKHJDFS dont write it all off just yet!!

[toxicity-2003]

I'm gonna start saying no to things that physically hurt to do because "pushing through the pain" does not give me pride or mark my place in society

[i-am-a-secret-ssshhh]

I am a super heavy sleeper, like, sleep through alarms next to me that are on max volume heavy sleep. And I'm saying this because not much wakes me up, clearly. But I have been awoken by pain, and I don't know why, but now I can't get back to sleep because pain and also my father is working out, using a video, and it's quite loud.

Send help please, I think I may be dying from pain.

[berizimi]

idk what to post so here's a bunch of stuff that I like

[partenopae]

got the wig for a cosplay i’m super excited about but it’s too small :((

[todayisafridaynight]

i think the only person who could REALLY confront kiryu was haruka and no one else, because, again, he cant dismiss her or fistfight with her about it. it could be so tasty to see how he tries to make a decision for again and she goes 'ummm chotto matte i actually have a kid now too, so how about I decide for MYSELF'. because one thing about me? i love generational conflicts. man it's just so sad because this game had all the potential to be great and yet

and speaking of other games, i'm planning on playing everything that has been ported to pc and localised. gonna go through completion lists in the games i've already finished :) looking forward to ishin and judgement and not really looking forward to y7 because the fighting looks nightmarish. until last week i was sure it was a beat em up... but if i learned how to play mahjong, i'll handle a turn based combat system too lmao

I don't think Kiryu would default to violence or an argument if someone were to call him out on his instability as a parent- he'd probably agree with them honestly as even as early as Y2 and later Y5, Kiryu had doubts of being able to raise just Haruka. Ergo, hearing it from Haruka herself probably would be the most effective and most impactful.

I'm sure you'll love Ishin! It's a really fun game with pretty colorful gameplay and opportunities and play around with the combat, and- maybe it's because I'm an enjoyer for history- the story's great to follow and become involved in.

[deeisace]

.

[ratsonas]

i KNOW my dog is old and i KNOW hes just getting older and thats just life but my family talks about him declining so casually or even jokingly and it just makes me scared and upset and i always have to hold back tears in front of them

[cherrysnax]

stress triggered chronic pain let’s goooo

[powdermelonkeg]

Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess