#he says nice things about him to like. six other people throughout the show

[starbuck]

i’m very invested in the tragic aspects of the dynamic, but the degree to which Flint is Billy’s Emotionally Unavailable Father is also just very, very funny. He doesn’t even dislike Billy, but he never says a nice thing about him to his face even once.

[the-ineffable-dance]

Throughout both seasons of Good Omens, I adore watching how Aziraphale and Crowley show their love for each other. They each have a different set of needs that the other knows about and validates... Crowley is big on giving Aziraphale Acts of Service. Aziraphale leans more towards Physical Touch.

But one thing that they both give the other is possibly the most important for our two man shaped beings... Words of Affirmation.

It's easy to see when Crowley does this for Aziraphale, and I think it's quite easy to see when Azi both needs those words and also how dramatically he responds to them.

He doesn't just enjoy Crowley praising him... he needs it. Heaven has been brutal to Aziraphale. They have never had a kind word for him... instead they belittle him and mock him at every turn.

Imagine that THIS is what you are given for thousands and thousands of years. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, THIS is the response. Nothing is ever good enough. EVER.

And then, you meet a demon. And he listens to your ideas. He sees you for who you are. And he never mocks you. He listens. He accepts you. And he tells you that you're doing good things, that you're smart, that you're clever. That you have value.

Look at that face!!! Look how much it means to him! Even with six thousand years together, Aziraphale is ready to be mocked, and when Crowley encourages him, it is everything!

Even waaaaay back, in the Garden. They hardly knew each other, and yet already we have this affirmation that Aziraphale desperately needs.

What might be more difficult to see is how Aziraphale gives Crowley Words of Affirmation that HE needs just as much. It's much more subtle, but Crowley needs them, and Aziraphale provides.

Crowley's entire existence is a delicate balancing act. Inside, he is at heart a good person. He didn't lose that in his Fall like many of the other demons. We can see his kindness in a thousand small ways... his concern for children, his love of Aziraphale, following Hell only as far as he can... But imagine. He's a demon of Hell. Surrounded by people who think words like kind, nice, love are "four letter words." And the punishment for that kindness is not just mockery, but it's physical, brutal. How easy would it be to lose those parts of yourself just out of pure survival?

And then, you meet an angel. And he sees you for who you are, deep down, all the little things that you had to hide away. And he says it out loud, so you know that he sees it and accepts it and appreciates it. And he helps keep those parts of you you cherish alive.

Aziraphale is the only person that validates those parts of Crowley. And even if Crowley reacts negatively to it either out of fear that they're being listened to or even just habit, he still hears it.

Okay, he reacts REALLY badly to it... but Aziraphale never stops saying it, either. He knows deep down just how much Crowley needs him to say it.

Kind, nice, these are the most common of Aziraphale's Words of Affirmation... but there is one that I think Crowley needs the most... the one that he himself brings up the least... the fear that as a demon he is truly unforgiveable. He is unreliable when describing his Fall through out the series, and I see that as a sign that it is something that eats away at him. No demon gets forgiven. Period.

But Aziraphale forgives him. Offers it to him over and over. (Ignore the final offer of forgiveness in S2... those circumstances are out of the ordinary).

And when Aziraphale offers his forgiveness, I don't think that he's limiting it to whatever the surface reason is. Look at him... that's the face of someone who is trying to put as much meaning behind his words as he can. To reach that core of self-doubt that Crowley hides away, and ease the ache that is there. "You can be forgiven. You are worth forgiving. I forgive you, even if no one else does." We see throughout the series the forgiveness that Aziraphale offers start off pretty broad, and moves more and more intimate... from "May God forgive you" to "May you be forgiven" to finally "I forgive you." He refines his words until he finds what Crowley needs.

For both of them, the Words of Affirmation that the other provides is such an important part of their relationship! I'm thinking that soon I'll take a look at some of the other Love Languages that they use throughout the series. Until then!

[siddyyyyyyyy]

Only Friends

Tim Drake x Reader

wc: 0.8 K summary: You both get flustered in an interview warnings: none, no y/n used a/n: got this silly idea while daydreaming (once more) even though i have three fics going on rn. (also, it would be better if you know the concept of 'World's most searched questions' from Wired) enjoy!

It was like every other day, just getting ready for an interview, taking the interview before doing the other stuff you have to do by yourself. It's simple, not too stressful or overwhelming. And you are actually quite excited considering it's not an usual interview. It's actually on the 'The Web's Most Searched Questions', it feeling a little exciting to be in such a format for the first time. For preparation, you watched some interviews of other actors or different celebrities to make sure you got the concept, also making sure you got the times and location right with your co-star, Tim Drake. He's in most interviews with you because of the latest movie you both acted in together. This time, being enemies in the movie. Other movies or shows, you had either neutral or romantic relationships together. But in reality, you were nothing more but friends and colleagues. You considered yourself lucky with such a nice and funny colleague, having known him for a few years already. Besides the more romantic and heated scenes, you both remained close friends throughout your career.

Once you both are ready to take the interview, having the mics set and camera pointed at you, it's time to begin. The staff explained to you one last time of how it all works, having your big card of questions first. You both inteoduce yourselves to the audience, well, camera, and slide off the first tape to the first question. It reads your name, followed up with a question, if you played in a show from six years ago. Of course, you answer it truthfully, it going well for now, explaining briefly when that show aired and how it was playing that part. Moving on, the next question is just as normal as the other. A simple question about one of the films you once starred in, answering honestly again. The next one is a little bizzare, even to you. It reads your name, followed up with a rather random and personal question. "... am I, what? Do I gossip on set?" You read aloud, being mostly confuses on why that's the third most searched question on Google about you. Where did people get that idea from. You turn to Tim beside you, still confused. "Did you start that rumour?" He can barely contain a straight face at you, shaking his head while cracking up. "I think it's about the secret pictures of us 'gossiping'." Tim answers, putting air-cotation-marks with his hands at the last word. There were a few pictures the paparazzi took of you both whispering things to each other, but you never really thought too much about it. And you definitely were gossiping, it was just rude to be truthful about it. "Ah, right. These pictures still haunt me at night, but no. I do not gossip on set. I wait until I get home." You joke lightly as you look back to the camera, continuing with the next question on the board in your hands. The last four questions go on without any weird one's popping up, until you uncover the last one. "... and Tim Drake couple?" You read aloud again, your brain short circuiting at the question. You and him, a couple? Seriously? You knew people like gossip, but was that actually serious? Tim blushes slightly beside you, glancing over to you to see your reaction. You seem just as taken aback as him. There's not much to say, really. Finally, you shake your head and look back at the camera, trying to make it as casual as possible. Ignore the five seconds of silence before your answer. "Nope. Never been together." Tim nods in agreement, keeping his wyes anywhere but you. You really haven't expected this to go awkward, considering interviews bever get awkward. There's always someone talking, either the interviewer, you, or the staff. But this is genuinely awkward. Embarrassing even. You are sure you will get nightmares about this exact incident years later. Clearing your throat, you hand your board back to the staff, Tim getting his own now.

His first question is just as light as yours, the mood getting quickly back to the one before. It's light, fun and easy. You talk a little too and poke fun at Tim as he answers his question, eventually getting to the third one.

"Tim and Drake couple with..." He trails off, seeing your name at the end. This time, it's rather annoying than embarrassing. He sighs out and look towards you briefly before frowning at the camera. "Guys, we just had that question. It's embarrassing, really. We're not together, even if our roles say otherwise in some movies." Tim explains slightly annoyed, noticing how embarrassed you are at the question. You shouldn't be, considering it's definitely not your fault and people just like some gossip. However, you also feel some different kind of emotion stir up in you. The idea of being with someone, of people knowing you are together with someone is new and sounds way better than denying it all the time. Of course you won't say that on an interview, let alone to Tim, your long-time best friend of a couple years. You both know it won't get to something more than that, both being strict about that in your friendship. You've crosses the line of friendship in roles, qs actors, before but it never felt as good as actually being with someone.

Ignoring your thoughts as best as possible, you move on with Tim. His questions are rather more funny than yours, him messing around with his answers a little as well. There's a sloght difference you noticed, and it's that people seem to take you more seriously. Probably because of the roles you play, maybe because of the personality you put on for the media. Either way, it creates an interestjng dynamic between you and Tim overall. Fans seem to like it, and it seems to work great as usual on interviews. But you never thought they could think of you both in that way. The video is finished and you both return to your own cars, hugging goodbye as usual.

◐

A few days have gone by after that interview, and you decide to check it out. The video has about four million views by now, considering the video got published about three days after you filmed it. You start to watch it, skipping through it a little before the weird question. You seem indeed confused and flustered bt the question, them having edited your moment in a funny way. A computer buffering sound on the background, zoomed in into your face with a loading icon at your forehead. It's actually funny, even if it wasn't funny when you were answering it at the moment. Tim seems just as confused for a moment, you both denying the question as politely and smart as possible, to avoid useless scandals or rumours. Okay, wasn't so bad. Tim's part was less humerus, actually nore straight to the point with hoe annoyed he answered the question. The video ends after you say your goodbyes to the camera, getting to the comment section. You read the first few one's, them being supportive and sweet. The longer you scroll down, the more you start to lose hope in your fans. They genuinely seem to ship you. It would've been funny, but now that you think of it... it doesn't sound too bad. You make your way to some fanfic websites you still know from your earlier teenage years, searching up your name with Tim. Indeed, thousands of suggestions pop up, not having expected more than hundreds of thousand people wrote some kind of romantic content between the two of you. You are really sure Tim would hate you for it, but you go ahead and read some of it. Most were just some silly short stories about the two of you being in love on set, but some were the most heart and gut-wrenching fluff you've ever read. You didn't touch the angst tag, being too scared of getting hurt over fictional problems.

You take a break from everything, deciding it's best to never touch anything like that ever again and ignore it overall. You and him were just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. You would sacrifice everything for him and make sure he stays happy, but never cross the line between friendship and partners, in fear of ruining anything. He would most definitely do the same, if not more for you, but there's no way you'll ever be more than what you are now. Drying off your few tears, it's time to get to the next set of filming, staying friends with Tim. 

←MASTERLIST

a/n: also, sorry for being dead in the last few days or weeks, idk, but there's a few things going on and i won't be able to reply or post as quickly as before, but I'll try!! hope you enjoyed it

[ghostja]

The Misunderstanding of Mori(BSD)

I have realized Mori is a misunderstood character in BSD due to his abilities name, Vita Sexualis.  I recently finished reading the book, and the title is misleading.  I assumed it was an erotic book; I could not have been more wrong.  It’s a story about Kanai(MC), who is writing about his sexual experiences intended for his son to be provided as a means of sexual education.  It is not inappropriate whatsoever, and the act of sex is never described in detail.  

Throughout the story, you come to understand Kanai and how he has a lack of sexual desire.  The story starts when he is a child, and adults tease him for his innocence.  It was disgusting seeing adults toy with his innocence, especially since the story starts when he is six.  

Later in the story, when Kanai is close to graduating from university, his parents think it would be best for him to marry.  A meeting is set up for Kanai to meet a girl whom he finds nice.  But he debates the difference between this girl and all other nice girls.  He also questions if most men settle for a nice girl due to their sexual desire.  Since Kanai has a low sex drive, he believes this is the reason he can’t settle.  I believe he is bringing up the difference between love and sexual desire. Also, how sexual desire can act like love.  

Here is a quote about Kanai's thoughts on marriage,

 "I suspected that some probably decided under the stimulus of sexual desire. Because I was deficient in this area, I guessed that even if I felt the young lady was quite nice, the deficiency was probably why I didn't want to marry her."

There is an incredible tetralogy called The Sea of Fertility by Yukio Mishima, which discusses the downsides of sexual desire. In the first book, Spring Snow, Kiyoaki(MC) becomes infatuated with Satoko. He lets his desires control him and wishes Satoko to marry him, but she is engaged. Instead of putting her happiness first, Kiyoaki lets sexual possession take control of him, leading to his demise.

In the third book, Temple of Dawn, Imanishi created his own story, "The Land of the Pomegranate." It's about how sexual love leads to possession.  As soon as the people in this world reach peak desire, they are discarded.  This stops sexual possession from taking over.

I bring up these books to further show the difference between love and sexual desire. And how controlling this feeling can be with it acting like love.  

I believe the author(Ogai Mori) is trying to tell the readers you are most capable of love when young because you have no experience. Sexual desire can be extremely passionate to the point where it controls you. In the story, Kanai reflects how once a month, his roommate Koga would let his sexual desires loose. While he personally found no importance in those activities. I find it vital to state even though he doesn't care for sex, it doesn't mean he wants to be alone. In the story, he says,

"Yet even though I had a longing for love and affection, I didn't feel, as one normally would have expected, any real sexual drive."

Now to connect this back to BSD, I believe Elise is a child to represent innocence. Maybe Mori himself is like Kanai and does not care for sexual relations. And what is the opposite of that? A child who knows nothing of sex and does not care for it. They do not have sexual desires, and it has nothing to do with their type of love. Elise might simply be someone for Mori to love and receive the same type of love back. Or she represents his innocence and the type of love he craves.

I believe she could also represent his hidden innocence because when you are older you wouldn't want to be called innocent or pure. It's embarrassing to be labeled a virgin or not understand a sexual joke. But not everyone cares for these things, and some yearn for a different type of love, one that is not sexual.

Hopefully, people will stop labeling this character as a pedo and look for the meaning behind his ability instead.

[bigskydreaming]

So I've been following 911 more regularly lately and gotta say, I think they lean into the Tommy/Buck age gap a little too much. Like when it has them acting like these characters are from entirely different generations, its a problem IMO, because its warping the shape of Buck's coming out narrative.

Standard disclaimers that this is all just my personal opinion, interpretation, I am not the boss of anyone and I'm rooting my stance in my personal experiences as a bi man not to declare My Authority over bisexuality and everyone's lived experiences, but just as my personal frame of reference and start point for engaging with this. I am not saying every bi person's experience is like this or Buck's MUST be like this, I am saying I Am Dissatisfied and Here Is Why. Okay. That out of the way....

My specific gripe is that I feel 911 is a bit too confident that because they (I assume) have LGBTQ+ writers on staff, they are above being weird about bisexuality, but they've had the characters say and do some things regarding Buck's coming out that aren't Ideal and in general it just feeds into my impression that they haven't put much or any thought into the fact that repression for a bi man can and often does look different than repression for a gay man.

Even more specifically, I'm pissed off about how there's no examination of Josh's speech to Buck about growing up in a post-Glee world.

Because here's the thing about their ages: I literally looked Buck's up after I watched that episode recently, because I was sitting there thinking wait, how old IS he supposed to be? Because I thought he was in his mid-thirties. And he is. Apparently Buck was born in 1991. I'm forty now myself. Buck's like six years younger than me. I'm supposedly comparable to what Tommy's experiences growing up would be. And I'm bemused as hell that the show keeps acting like Buck's formative years were that far removed.

Ignoring the "lol, okay" bit about treating Murphy's other show as the One True Watershed Moment for the social acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community, Buck would've been eighteen when Glee STARTED. I promise anyone who wasn't around at the time that people did not all sit down and start ushering in a queer golden era when Season One dropped. Buck didn't even go to college, he was off on his near-decade road trip, he was twenty-four when gay marriage was legalized, like....

This guy did not grow up in a world that was ALREADY shaped by the things they keep talking about making it easier for him than Tommy. His formative years did not happen that far behind Tommy's. He was already out the other side of the toxic wasteland that high school locker rooms and internet boards were for closeted and repressed teenagers in the first decade of this century BEFORE all this stuff happened.

GROWING UP IN THE KIND OF HOMOPHOBIC SOCIETY THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT HAPPENED TO HIM TOO.

Its almost like. Its kinda WHY he's a grown man in his 30s only now coming out?

It shaped him just as much as it shaped Tommy. It just shaped them DIFFERENTLY.

Look, acknowledging that there is room in the spectrum of human sexualities and experiences for peoples' sexualities to adapt and change in various ways or degrees throughout their life, the show seems to be trying to have it two different ways when it comes to Buck's sexuality. On the one hand, they weirdly keep acting like Buck's attraction to men was just sorta simmering on the back-burner, waiting to hatch until here and now and he's "lucky" that his bisexuality waited until times were nice and progressive to finish baking, so he didn't have to go through the stuff Tommy and Josh did. On the other hand, every actual line from Buck used to describe himself or his sexuality screams "this man has been bi all along and just didn't realize it until now" which.....that's literally repression? The show is saying he was repressed, that he was so deeply closeted even he didn't realize he was bisexual until last season.

He didn't luck out and only become bi when it was nice and safe to do so, he was always bi and just hid it from himself UNTIL it was safe enough for him to feel secure pulling that awareness back out and examining it as a possibility for himself.

He flat out says "I mean I've always admired a hot guy's ass but that's normal right" - like that is a literal admission that he's been aware of the appeal of the same gender, he just talked himself into rating this No Big Deal.

But at the same time, we're talking about the Undisputed Reigning Champ of Oversharing. The King of Look How Good I'm Allying, Am I Doing It Right, Someone Plz Tell Me I'm Doing It Right. The master of seeing a conversational boundary and leapfrogging over it like he's treating hopscotch like an Olympic fucking sport.

Yeah people have commented on the possibility he's been flirting with guys for years (further indicative of yes, this man has been bi all along), but where in all of that was Buck chiming in with "oh yeah, that guy's hot" in the name of making sure everyone knew just how cool he was with people being gay and how not a big deal and normal it was for him, A Straight Guy, to affirm when other guys look good, if he ACTUALLY believed it was normal?

Its because he didn't, IMO. On some level, Buck was aware he found men appealing. And on a deeper, more internalized level, he was aware that no matter what he CONSCIOUSLY said to himself to reassure himself that he was absolutely a Straight Dude and this meant nothing, it was NOT in fact "normal" to check out a hot guy's ass and his admission of that WOULD result in people asking him some questions he was not prepared to answer or acknowledge yet.

That's repression. That's being in the closet. That's him actively being shaped by a PRE-GLEE world, same as Tommy, just in different ways.

Like let's be real for a second. As much as people have had to say about the person Tommy used to be, what Buck's coming out narrative could really use is a look back at the guy HE used to be. And NOT just in the banal, non-offensive "I used to sleep around, I didn't know what I wanted, but now I do" kind of way, but in the acknowledgment that Season One Buck was kinda not great. He wasn't AWFUL, mind you, but like. I say this with fondness for the character he's BECOME, but if I weren't aware that Season One was intended as a Not Ideal starting point that he started out at TO maximize his growth, like on a surface level, Season One Buck's behavior was off-putting and can and did result in people (perfectly reasonably) being like yeah this guy does not appeal to me. He was an overcompensating dudebro douchebag. He was out there checking off every single possible box on the Make Sure Everyone Knows How Straight I Am to-do list like it was his second job.

And I don't say that with judgment, I say that with "if we're going to scrutinize how the homophobic society Tommy grew up in shaped him, why aren't we doing that with Buck too instead of pretending like he somehow magically skipped being affected by all that and just stumbled into being freshly bisexual on the other side of all that mess."

I can't speak for anyone other than myself or my own experiences, so I have no ability to personally relate to what Tommy's experiences in the closet were or how he viewed or came to first acknowledge or admit his own sexuality to himself. But I can say as a bi guy, the thing about MY awareness of my attraction to the opposite gender when I was a teenager....is that since it overlapped with my awareness of my attraction to the same gender, I hyper-focused on the former and dialed into it in an effort to convince myself that it was proof that obviously I was straight and couldn't be gay, because if I was gay I wouldn't be attracted to women. Duh. Basic math.

And that's what Buck's coming out narrative is missing for me, both in canon and fanworks. Its not about whether he had it as hard as Tommy or if his coming out is easier or anything like that, its literally just....he was there all along too. Homophobia and biphobia were impacting him this entire time. Him not acknowledging this until now is not proof that he somehow skated by or they just missed him....him not acknowledging this until now is BECAUSE they DIDN'T miss him. They buried him so deep in his own closet, HE wasn't even willing to face it until he reached a point in his life where he felt safe and secure enough in himself and his support network to examine this part of him once someone - Tommy - gave him enough of a reason TO take notice again of the kinds of feelings and attractions he'd long since taught himself to ignore and not rate as worth a second thought on account of "it meant nothing" and "everyone does it" and "it doesn't actually mean or say anything about ME."

And I mean, given who Buck is and how he grew up, its not exactly shocking that a kid desperate for parental love and approval that he couldn't seem to get no matter how he behaved or what he did to try and "earn" it.....upon realizing that he was experiencing attraction that according to his surrounding society marked him as 'other' and 'deviant' and 'not normal' and all kinds of things that make it even MORE unlikely to "earn" parental or friendly or societal love and approval.....of fucking COURSE he was gonna run in the opposite direction of that awareness and slam the door shut behind him as he did. Clinging all the more tightly to any and all awareness of attraction he could point to as 'proof' to himself that he'd been mistaken to think he was anything other than straight.

So yeah. That's what's pissing me off about how the show's treated Buck's coming out. There's been zero examination of the fact that like. How and when he grew up absolutely left a mark on him, same as any queer person in their thirties....it just left a different kind of mark that's not interchangeable with the experiences of the other characters on the show. This new side of himself he's exploring didn't just HAPPEN to reveal itself seven seasons in, it didn't reveal itself until then because he'd been repressing it until then. That matters. That repression is as vital to his understanding of himself and the person he was and the person he grew up to be as his awareness and acceptance of himself as an out bisexual man is here and now.

Admittedly, this post was brought to you by happening across one too many fics that have Buck look back and clock his past crushes on people in high school and his twenties as actual crushes, but in an "LOL thats so funny that I didn't get that, how dumb am I" kinda way instead of the aching, painful way that many gay or bi/pan individuals can attest to looking back at earlier crushes and thinking what could've been if society hadn't conditioned us to either not be aware of what we were feeling or too afraid to face it or act on it at the time. And yeah, that's a personal hang-up, but like.

I just am really uncomfortable with how much the show and parts of fandom keep leaning into the Himbo Buck interpretation to play up 'lol cant believe I missed this until now' angle instead of examining that hey, none of this happens in a vacuum. Buck is in his mid-thirties and there are REASONS he 'missed' it until now. And again, with acknowledgment that everyone's experiences and formative influences are different, you can't just completely discount the possibility that those reasons include "growing up in a homophobic society" and "not feeling safe or secure enough in his surroundings, support network or sense of self to openly acknowledge and explore this aspect of himself until now."

[morsesnotes]

I'm kind of amused by Shaun Evans going from befuddled about the Morse/Joan storyline to outright annoyed over the years.

-----

Jace Lacob: You mentioned your love for the fourth episode this season, “Coda.” I’m wondering if there’s a favorite scene that stands out to you from this third season?

Shaun Evans: Yes, and it’s the last scene where Joan leaves.

Shaun: Throughout, we’ve always had little glimpses of them catching each other’s eyes in the mirror, in walking her home, seeing what’s going on, and I’ve always been curious. And each time we have an interaction I always say, “Where are we going with this? Where are we … What are we doing here? Should we be playing that there’s a bit of an attraction here, or should we be … should she just be my boss’s daughter?”

Shaun: I think for something to be engaging, the audience have to root for what the hero wants. Now, if the hero doesn’t know what he wants, it’s difficult for them to root for him, then it just becomes procedural, every week he solves a case. Whereas, if you think of the great sort of stories of like Friends, or like Sex and the City, or any of those stories, you can think, “Will they get together? Won’t they get together?” And it’s that which is engaging.

God I’m going on now aren’t I?

But in conclusion I was pleased because I really felt strongly that there should be some interaction between those guys that we’re really driving towards. But I feel like it really came, the heart of the story, came to fruition in the final scene.

PBS Masterpiece (2016)

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Jace: Why doesn’t Endeavour tell Joan that he loves her when he does have the opportunity?

Shaun: Oh, $64,000 question.

Shaun: There were so many back and forths about this, I’ve gotta tell you. And for me, I really … not agonized, but I thought, “Well, why go to all that trouble and not say anything? Why not? Why not just say something?” And we spoke about it constantly with the writer and it was his instinct that he doesn’t say anything, and I thought, “Why? But what’s the- why not just say one thing, not just say … Even call her by her first name?” You know? Why not say something, you know?” So you go with the majority sometimes, in cases like that. But I think it plays … I think it plays beautifully, you know?

Jace: I mean, so much of the show is in the unstated, rather than the stated.

Shaun: Mm-hmm.

PBS Masterpiece (2016)

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Q: Morse is pretty useless with women -- does he have more luck this time?

Shaun: Yeah, he ballsed it right up with Nurse Monica, but she was just too nice. He needs someone who's a bit more [thinks] "Grrr". But Monica comes back, so we get to end that in a better way. And things with Joan take a twist, which is quite satisfying. It can be frustrating for me, too. I'm like, "Why isn't Morse saying something? Why isn't he speaking up?" But the writer says, "Please, just trust me on this." And he gets it right.

Heat magazine (2017)

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Jace: The dynamic between Morse and Joan Thursday has provided a romantic spine to the series thus far. In the first episode of season six we get a bit of a flashback to the end of “Icarus,” with Morse asking if Joan’s offer of a coffee still stands. What happened between these two after Fancy’s death?

Shaun: This is one thing that we disagree about. I personally think that it would be interesting to have these two people begin a relationship and to have a night of passion and then the next day or a couple of weeks later, they’re like, ‘Oh this isn’t what I thought it would be. This isn’t the answer to all of my prayers at all.’ In a way for me, I think that’s way more heartbreaking, that you can’t be happy with anyone, rather than this, will they won’t they, which I personally think has a shelf life. So we have a disagreement about that, but that’s cool. So nothing happens between them. She’s busy, her life moved on. She hasn’t got time for him any more.

Jace: I do think it would be gutting for him to achieve this sort of idealized romance only to for only to find out that it is not working.

Shaun: Right?

Jace: And that there’s something broken within him.

Shaun: Because that speaks about you. Yeah exactly so, that’s my point exactly, right. That’s my point exactly. I think there’s not a fear, and I hesitate to say fear, but I think that for whatever reason, our writer, who I love and is one of my best mates, likes the idea of this will they won’t they. But I think that it speaks more to a real inability to form a lasting romantic relationship if you do that. So I’m very depressed about that. Someone you’ve lusted after for five years and then she’s like, ‘You know it’s…’

Jace:  ‘Thanks but no thanks.’

Shaun: Yeah, totally, or even if it’s him it’s like, ‘What’s this here?’

PBS Masterpiece (2019)

[youlooklikeasixtiesqueen]

here are all my thoughts and notes from purcon!! not formatted for tumblr but readable!!!

Day 1:

Opening:

everyone was so happy to be there, and so shocked how many people were there!!! 2500!!!

they showed vids before bringing everyone on stage and continued that throughout the panels. it's a cute touch

Misha auto:

he smiled and i got shaky knees and giggled like a 12 year old with a crush

jensen was at the table next to him!!

very quick but there was a huge line

he signed my book!!

i said "hi misha" and he said hi back

he looked at my destiel shirt and smiled :)

Ty & DJ:

started by telling us thank you for the congrats on their engagement

you can see how much they love each other!!! no pda but the way they look at each other!!

plus they both said multiple times that meeting each other was the best thing that happened

dj has been obsessed with eastenders since the 90s, never missed an episode

ty told everyone not to smoke cigarettes

dj had a glass of wine (it was 1pm)

left 5 mins early to get the Darius auto

Meeting Darius:

so nice and kind!! gentle vibes, literally what you would expect from misha's best friend

i was 2nd in line out of four people

four people in the autograph group so he talked to us all for about 15 minutes as a group

he signed his name on the picture, then asked if misha was going to sign it as well. i said no so he asked if he could sign misha's name for him and we all laughed and i said yes and it literally looks like misha wrote it

he told us him and misha have a competition to see who can bring the other person to a bigger event - darius took misha to the oscars, misha took darius to meet zelensky, but now darius got invited to meet the pope!!

talked to us a bit about filmmaking and how the picture aspect is basically the same throughout film history, but sound changes every week

it took 26 weeks in post for the sound of metal to get the sound right

he's friends with emilia clarke??? and said that she was so upset over the got ending because so many babies have her character's name

he felt the spn ending was rushed

sooooo handsome in person and the nicest voice

darius is getting austrian citizenship bc his grandma was from austria but she had to flee

Mark:

only saw the last bit but he was of course wandering the crowd

talked a lot about mental health and how we're not alone

said the best place to have a panic attack is a spn convention

Sachin & Osric:

fun!! not that interesting but fun!!

sachin just learned about destiel. like minutes before the panel started

talked about being poc in the industry and how much better it has gotten

Jared:

it was fine but again not interesting

talked about pranks

talked about maybe being on the boys

talked about mental health

Misha & Jensen:

an hour late bc they made jensen do photos :(

they played the confession right before they walked on stage???

question queue was very long, they took about five or six not so great questions

someone asked what their fave gym equipment is (wtf) and misha said it's the towel to slap others on the butt with

but they were very fun!!

some people decided to tell a sob story at the mic which wasted time. like they know you love supernatural, they know you're nervous, you don't need to tell them.

they joked around a lot

three touches!! fingers, high five, hug!!!

you can just see how much they adore each other

darius was sitting on the steps but they wouldn't give him a microphone :( hopefully he'll come out at misha's panel tomorrow

Day 2:

Jared & Jensen VIP:

question abt Radio Company coming to Germany

Jensen says they're discussing it, his fave songs are Quarter To and City Grown Willow

Mario Kart characters - Jared Yoshi because he poops eggs, Jensen Blue Shell guy??, his 7yo plays Rosalina, JJ can beat him in Mario Kart now

Jared is 25% German (maternal grandpa)

Jensen wants to turn his next Purcon visit into a vacation

one person is talking so slowwwww

Jensen would want to reshoot Bugs without the bees

They had to do a bee allergy test where someone actually picked up a bee with tweezers and made it sting them

3 part question 🙄 with backstory 🙄 about their kids and if they can grow up normal and if they have a strategy if their kids read fanfic

Jensen played baseball in HS

His first school play was a musical

Mark:

thanked us for letting them do the panels in english without a translator

Crowley was more excited to spend time with Dean instead of being in Hell

Mark went upstairs and helped a fan who had a bad photo with Jared

Got a standing ovation

Ty & DJ:

DJ used anti wrinkle creme on his balls but he stopped when his doctor said it would make him infertile

Ty told us to listen to a 23yo Canandian who sounds like Johnny Cash (Colter Wall??? maybe??)

Ty listens to a lot of country, DJ doesn't really have strong feelings about music

DJ adopted a dog who pissed on his belongings for 10 years - he was supposed to live until about 2 bc of health problems

DJ says to watch the movie Overboard

several questions were asked yesterday

DJ, Ty, and Ty's daughters have matching tattoos (they got them drunk) it's a little skull

Sachin & Osric:

Osric is Timon, Sachin is Pumba

Misha:

couldn't do notes bc i was in line!! wasn't picked tho, because everyone rushed to the microphone before the last panel was over

one person spent five minutes monologuing

misha said people should ask him questions on their knees

Bishagate reference!! He asked a girl if she was coming out as an alien and she said "that's rich coming from you", Darius laughed so much (while he was still on the stairs)

Compared whipped cream to cum

Darius was on stage!!

Jared:

greeted us with Guten Abend, Guten Tag, and howdy y'all

said it's not a goodbye to spn, it's a see you later

said swan song was easier than sacrifice bc he was lucifer for swan song so he had to act... reminder: that's his job...

first question was not a question

second question was a prank question

trivializing the thing where jared put coins in misha's car!!! wtf

praising mark p ew

woman keeps talking about her alarm sound which is german dean

called out a woman's shirt that says "save an impala, ride a winchester"

looks like jared will be on the boys, he basically confirmed it

he likes mountains more than beaches

says they might do a beach episode in the future

talking about the finale and the dean death scene

wants to bring jdm to the next con

Jensen:

GIANT line to ask a question

first woman named her kid Dean Jensen

hates toy slime bc it's all over his house

danneel moves a creepy doll around the house to mess with jensen

question abt cas in the winchesters and cas returning!! how to address the confession!! jensen thinks the confession was a long time coming and beautiful and raw and real!! dean understands cas loved him!! said cas saying he loves dean was clear text (rather than subtext) said cas and jensen found each other and when they meet again cas' feelings are just understood

says demon dean is stronger than soldier boy bc demon dean has no soul

boys question - jensen talks about herogasm, jack quaid just told jensen good luck when he went on set, nobody on set knew what was lube and what was hand sanitizer, he was unprepared to see so many naked people, he was standing next to a guy when the robes came off and he "had to do the glance", couldn't help looking at people having sex "there's four people here in a position i've never seen before"

woman crying while asking a question

woman said dj said he wanted to exchange his husband for jensen, and jensen said he doubts it because ty is pretty great

woman telling bad jokes, one about how women having orgasms is like a snowstorm because you can't see it coming?? not true for either i think

jensen needs to do more solo panels. i could listen to him talk for hours

i can't believe i was in the same room as this man wtf

[is-the-fire-real]

judío por elección (part 1)

(TW: aging, death, brief description of dead body and the effects of death)

We were stopped on the street two years ago by a small gray-haired lady who was thrilled to hear us speaking English. She herself was a Londoner who transplanted to our small Andalusian village with her husband almost twenty years ago. She was thrilled to hear people speaking in her mother tongue and invited my wife and I in for coffee anytime.

We started taking her up on it. The pandemic was still On, but not Lockdown On. We wore masks, sat on their broad terrace over six feet apart, and shouted conversation at each other. She always gave us tons of cookies and coffee from her once-white, now-brown-from-use plastic electric kettle. I get nervous about plastic kettles, but drank it anyway. And here was where we met her husband, E.

E was stooped and frail where his wife, S, was merely beginning to run down a little. When you get to E's age, the skeleton starts to come out in your features. Even then, we had no idea how old E really was until he casually mentioned that he remembered his father coming back from the war.

The War, he said, and I told my wife afterwards this must be WW2, and later, we asked enough questions to validate that guess. So in his 80s.

E forgot a lot of things. He acting like being Jewish was a secret because he'd forgotten how he'd hung up a Passover plate on one wall, and how he'd marked the eastern wall of the house with a plaque of the Tablets of the Law. We decided to make him feel safer by talking about my Jewish stepfamily and my wife's experiences of being mistaken for Jewish. He talked about learning Hebrew before he learned English, a little about growing up Orthodox in England in the fifties. Then he made us swear we'd never tell anyone in the village that he was Jewish.

We swore.

He wasn't an easy person to be around. Part of aging sometimes is feeling the weight of all your seemingly-innocent choices along the way dragging your body down into oblivion. Throughout his life, E smoked and E was a jeweler who did woodworking and home repair and almost never wore a mask. E when I knew him was tied to an oxygen tank and sounded like he breathed underwater. Throughout his life, E was strong and able to exert gentle control over others; when I knew him, his reedy voice rose to sharply criticize anyone around him.

He complained of how things were different now in the village; I saw his fear of the last great big change behind his words.

That was how my wife and I treated these visits: we were seeing an old man at the end of his life far away from his family trying to cope. He told the same set of stories over and over again; we took it as him needing certainty that somebody would know and tell those stories. (One of them: E worked on set design for the show "Merlin", kept the molds, and utilized them in his home design... so some of his walls had little archways with Merlin's star or the throne's symbol impressed upon them.) He went back and forth between taxing S with unreasonable requests and trying to ratchet them back when he saw he went too far.

Early in the summer of 2023, E started repainting and cleaning off his terrace and rooftop. S would cry and beg and plead for him not to, it was too hot, he'd go without oxygen too long (she was right). E ignored her. I drank my coffee and thought about how he must know the end was near and how he wanted to leave the house in a nice condition for S to live in, or sell, afterward.

The last thing he tried to do was repaint part of the ceiling which had collapsed and decorate it with stars, galaxies, and black holes. "It takes a great deal of time to reproduce the universe," he'd say, and my wife would laugh and say "Of course, it took G-d six days but we're not G-d", and then E'd laugh, every time.

Toward the end of an obscenely hot June, S called me in shrieking tears and told me "I think E has died!"

I was in the middle of six chores when I got that phone call, none of which were done that day. My wife and I ran for S's house. E had been mostly bed-bound for the past two weeks. He had gotten out of bed, walked into the foyer, and collapsed. He was almost certainly dead immediately. S had to do CPR on him while weeping and talking to the emergency workers in broken Spanish.

Never seen a dead body before.

After the workers finally arrived, it went more quickly. They picked his body up and wrapped him in a sheet and laid him on the marital bed. My wife, who speaks Spanish natively, spoke to all the different workers. I didn't, so I ended up finding a mop and cleaning up the urine that coated the entire foyer. (The next day I'd bring by a steam cleaner, run it through the whole foyer, and then I steam cleaned her kitchen so we could all pretend I hadn't brought it over to cleanse the last of E from the house.)

(When I learned that you kasher a microwave by steaming water in it, I immediately thought of that day.)

I led S into the room where E's body lay. I pulled out my phone while she cried. I didn't yet understand how an ethnoreligion worked, but I still had a sense that while E wasn't passionately religious, he would want certain things for himself. If he didn't, then S needed something that would help her move into grief. And I knew that it'd help me. So I pulled up an English language version of a mourning prayer and guided S through it.

This calmed her a little, and after touching his outline, she left the room. Alone, not sure if he said it or if I believed it, I recited the Shema on his behalf. (Which I had learned, to my goyim embarrassment, from "The Sandman".)

After E's passing, none of his remaining family were Jewish, and nobody wanted his Judaica. Once S started cleaning all the remnants out of her house, she went hard on purging the Judaica. I don't blame her for this, exactly. She was grieving and she had no concept of how important some of those objects could be. My wife told her to give us any books or items that were about Judaism instead of throwing them away. When she did, S lit up and immediately gave us his mezuzahs. One was empty. One had a tatty old prayer sheet inside it.

My wife and I looked for hours on how to dispose of the prayer (we still haven't, we're working on it). I looked up whether or not it was okay for non-Jews to hang mezuzah. As I shared the results, my wife laughed and said they'd feel weird about it, like they were cosplaying Judaism.

"I'd like to be Jewish," they said, as they had for the past fifteen years on and off, "only I can't."

This time, for the first time, I said: "Why not?"

[leviathangourmet]

Notions of American kindness during and after the pandemic have expanded far beyond the Golden Rule.

A friend from Eastern Europe told me she learned about our obsession with “being nice” during her senior year in high school while living in the Midwest as an exchange student. In order to be well-loved in the United States, above all else, you must be kind, she observed. When she makes plans with Americans, she questions if they are asking her to “grab coffee” just to be nice, or if they actually want to meet.

I was skeptical about her observations at first, but then I considered the way we describe the people we like. “She is so nice,” we say. You never hear, “She is honest and direct.” It often seems we prefer being nice over being genuine.

Manipulating Americans en masse is simple if we can be convinced that something we are doing — or not doing — is unkind. Video rental businesses understood this well in the 1980s: “Be kind, please rewind.” So we did.

But during the pandemic, corporate media inundated the public with messages dictating what to do in order to be “kind” — directives much more intrusive and disruptive to life than simply rewinding videotapes or returning grocery store carts to the corral. Many in power pointed to “the science” to argue we had to isolate ourselves, maintain an arbitrarily determined six-feet social distance, keep our children out of schools, wear masks, and take an experimental shot. If we did not comply, we likely were killing someone’s grandmother. And really, what could be unkinder than that? 

Even asking questions became socially unacceptable. When we scrutinized the effectiveness of these policies and vocalized concerns about citizens’ freedom under what was basically martial law, we were called selfish. When some raised concerns that the Covid shot was understudied and could cause severe health complications, they were chastised as “anti-vaxxers.”

President Joe Biden informed us just how unkind it was not to get the shot when he referred to Covid-19 as “a pandemic of the unvaccinated.” Repeatedly, we heard messages from the president and many others that we needed to be kind — Americans must do what they are told, wear their masks, and get vaxxed.

The propaganda to weaponize American kindness was overwhelmingly effective. Meanwhile, the media largely ignored early reports of myocarditis as one of the side effects of the shot. Big Tech even joined the “kindness” crusade by creating algorithms that prevented social media users from seeing vaccine skepticism.  

Many believed Biden when he said Covid-19 was not transmissible with the jab, and many Americans felt comfortable mingling after months of isolation. At certain social gatherings and venues, guests were required to show vaccine cards — few things say “celebration” more than “Show me your medical documentation.” Ironically, this pervasive social requirement was in an effort to seem “kind.”

However, it is clear that one side of these debates has a monopoly on what constitutes kindness. When the students of Fairfax County, Virginia, were allowed to enter schools maskless in March 2022, many were afraid of retribution from teachers and peers.

My son, one of the few maskless students in his school at that time, was bullied for his choice. Another student told him to “mask up and cover your ugly face.” On the same day, my son’s classmate called her mother during school because she was terrorized in the cafeteria for not wearing her mask. This is the type of “kindness” associated with virtue signaling.

As we’ve moved past Covid, many commentators have highlighted the policy mistakes and crackpot “science” disguised as “kindness” throughout the pandemic. One suggested “amnesty” is needed to move forward together. In order to grant a pardon, though, we have to reach a public agreement on what was said and how it was wrong. It’s impossible to offer forgiveness to policymakers who refuse to acknowledge wrongdoing.

I am still waiting for an apology from our school district for illegally suspending my sons for 39 cumulative days on “dress code” violations for not wearing masks. Despite my appeals, the school district refuses to expunge the suspensions from my sons’ records. School board members should know that kindness includes apologizing for mistakes.

Because of our “unkind” advocating for equal opportunity, social justice activists call us “white supremacists.” When we stand up for equal opportunity in admissions to colleges and to Fairfax County’s magnet Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology, followers of the ironically racist “anti-racist” doctrine ridicule Asian Americans as “allies of white supremacy.” The insult is false and manipulative — there are few more effective ways to say someone is “mean” than to call him a “white supremacist.”

Some, such as Fairfax County’s school board members, also believe “kindness” means denying biological realities, or at the very least, staying quiet in their dissent. Males claiming to be women are entering female locker rooms and bathrooms regularly. Many female students in secondary schools feel unsafe using facilities during school hours. Even after the 2021 sexual assault incidents in public schools in Loudoun County, Virginia, American politicians continue to uphold so-called “transgender rights” over female safety.

Former NCAA swimmer Riley Gaines talks about how NCAA officials pressured swimmers to be “kind” to Lia Thomas, the “transgender” swimmer born a male, who was allowed to share women’s locker rooms. Meanwhile, some school districts are changing scientific words in public schools’ sex education curricula from males and females to “assigned males/females at birth.”

If we publicly assert that we have problems with any of this, activists are quick to disparage our character. They call us bigots, or even transgender children killers. Activists manipulate emotions by claiming that if transgender teens don’t get everything they want, they or their transgender friends will kill themselves. In Fairfax County’s school board meeting speeches, we have been told this ad nauseam — nice people don’t kill transgender children. Kind people stay quiet and allow males to enter female spaces.

This is the ultimate weaponization of kindness.

Undoubtedly, we are better served when we scrutinize what kindness entails — and it has far more to do with virtue than niceness. For example, preserving freedom for future generations of Americans is virtuous; protecting civil liberties for our children is the right and kind thing to do. Our kindness in practice must be based on such virtue if we are to remain pensive and discerning.

So when we say to our acquaintances, “Let’s go for coffee,” it would be preferable if we were being both genuine and kind.

[hessofather]

Chapter 3- The Angry Man

TRIGGER WARNING: Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. This chapter will be less comical but I feel it is still important.

A/N: This chapter is about my Dad, and also that saying that goes, “If you grow up with an angry man in the house, you will always have an angry man in your house.”

My first memory of my Dad is when I was somewhere between the ages of 2-4. My mom and I were sitting on the couch. I remember my dad yelling and then a glass flying between my mom and I’s heads, shattering behind us, taking the window blinds out with it. Don’t worry they weren’t the good blinds, they were the kind with the drawstring that you pulled up with ease and spent twenty minutes trying to lower it with both sides even. To this day I have no idea how he didn’t break the window. I’m honestly impressed.

After the explosion of the glass, my Mom had me stay on the couch while she cried and cleaned up the broken glass. I hated my dad. I hated him before I knew what the word “hate” meant. I hated him for making my mom cry so much and making me scared all the time. Even more so I hated him because he always seemed to throw the nice dishes. The ones that came from Walmart instead of the dollar tree. I remember being so upset that he broke one of my favorite glasses in the house, that I just couldn’t contain my rage and screamed into the couch cushion. “That’ll show him” my tiny brain thought. My dad continued his rampage throughout the house while I watched my mother clean up the glass and then, when she gave me the ok, ran to my room and hid under my blankets.

I have a lot of memories of my dad like this. To the point where it just became a normal thing. Going to other people’s houses and seeing their cabinets full of dishes that all matched seemed so weird to me. When my friends would get scolded for doing something wrong I would just sit and wait. Wait for their father to pick something up and throw it at us, or start calling his children names like “stupid idiot” or “fucking bitch.” But their dads never did. I just thought to myself “Wow you must be a horrible kid since you don’t get disciplined right.”

I remember the first time my dad called me stupid. I was six. He asked me for a glass of milk, like the true sociopath he is, just straight milk, and yelled at me for not giving him enough. I thought it’d be funny to try and take the glass back from him to go put more in it. That was a mistake. I didn’t realize that he’d had the glass tilted towards his mouth, so when I pulled it out of his hand it clanked against his teeth. I heard the noise of it clanking and instantly felt the blood drain from my face and into my legs, making them too heavy to move. “YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!” He seethed between his teeth as loud as he could. I don’t remember what happened next, all I know is that I came to hiding in my closet listening to my parents yell.

My dad and I did have some good memories though. Like when I was twelve and him and I blew up our mailbox on the Fourth of July. Going to watch the movie “Beverly Hills Chihuahuas.” Or when I was a kid, if he was in a good mood that night, he’d come in my room to say goodnight and we’d tell jokes and have wrestling matches. Helping him when he went on roofing jobs. Or the time he taught me how to change my oil, rotate my tires, and change my breaks on my first car. I cherish those memories and try desperately to hold on to them and make them the ones I remember the most. The good times were few and far between so I tried to remember them while they were happening.

I used to beg my mom to divorce my dad. I started begging her when I was five. Mostly because he scared me and because the whole family seemed happier when he was away. Then around the time I was ten, I heard the sounds of my Dad raping my mom, then he came out of their room like nothing happened. I hated him. I knew what the word “hate” meant this time and I knew that I felt every last bit of it for my dad. I wanted nothing more than to watch my mother drive away from that house as far as she could and never look back. Even if that meant leaving me behind. I wanted her to be happy and free, no longer in debt to my father. I would gladly take on her debt if she let me but she would always say she loved him too much. I knew what “hate” meant but I wasn’t so sure I’d ever understand the word “love.”

I had a special spot in the house that I’d retreat to if things got out of hand with my dads anger. I could smell it coming from a mile away. The second I felt the danger rising, I’d run to my room, go in my closet and climb onto my shelf. Hiding behind my clothes until the yelling stopped. Sometimes all night. I’d wake up behind my clothes, lines embedded in my face and arms from the shelving, wondering where I was, then remembering all the horrible things I overheard the night before. My parents still live in the same house, I can’t stand that fucking closet.

I have nightmares every night. Mostly of my past sexual assaults, but every once in awhile a nightmare fills my night with images of my dad molesting me. To this day I have no idea if it happened or not. I hope to whatever god is out there that it didn’t happen. I have no idea if it is simply a mix of my fathers anger and my past experiences with sexual abuse. Or maybe those bedtime wrestle matches weren’t as innocent as I remember. It haunts me that I will never have an answer to that question.

I have more memories of the angry man I grew up with. Like when he’d get angry while he was driving, he’d go 100mph down back roads and scarring the shit out of my mom and I. I remember screaming and crying for him to slow down but he’d just continue to speed up and scream at my mom and I. Or the time he punched the ceiling of the car so hard and so many times that to this day, twenty years later, there are still markings on the ceiling. I still remember my mom screaming “GO AHEAD AND KEEP PUNCHING THAT’LL HELP!!” Or the time he punched his rear view mirror and it came off. He never fixed it. I remember a time where he grabbed a handful of potatoes straight out of hot oil and flung them across the kitchen at me screaming “YOU NEED TO LEARN TO SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!”

I remember my father shouting at me for having an attitude saying “NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE YOU IF YOU KEEP THIS UP” Which is why to this day I don’t believe anyone could truly love me. I never lost the attitude. I lost my virginity at the age of 18 and about a year later broke up with the guy. My father came into my room while I was crying and said, “Don’t you regret losing your virginity now?” My dad loved rubbing every mistake I made in my face. He got so angry when my reply was “No.” There were many times when he wouldn’t shout when he was angry at me, he would simply look me in the eyes and say “You shouldn’t even call me dad anymore. Since you don’t want to respect me as your dad I don’t see the point.”

He hated me too. In the moment of the arguments I was fine with the knowledge that he hated me. I thought it was funny that he finally met his match when it came to anger. I was the only one in the family brave enough to give him a taste of his own medicine as I got older. I didn’t mind that he hated me. That was, until, I was in dance class watching all the girls my age practicing with their dads for the daddy daughter senior dance. I sat against the mirror smiling and so happy for my class mates and later that night cut my thighs and wrists open and cried myself to sleep, hoping to not wake up. I hated him and he hated me. I ached for a father, I still do to this day.

I grew up with an angry man in my house, and statistics show that I will always have an angry man in my house. Meaning I would marry an angry man. Strangely enough I married the most even tempered man I possibly could. Sometimes it drives me insane that he is so mild tempered but then I think of what the alternative is, and I’m grateful. What really scares me though, is the fact that while I did not marry an angry man, there still ended up being one in my house. I see him every time I look in the mirror. Every time I throw something out of anger it flys just like my dads did. Every hole I’ve left in a wall resembles the same ones he made. Every time I speed out of anger, the engine starts sounding like it did when I was a kid. I have done one thing better than him, my anger is hidden. Nobody I love will ever see that side of me. While I may be the angry man in my house on the inside. I will always be a kind, loving woman on the outside. Because I refuse to let my child understand what the word “Hate” means, before he understands what the words “Love” “Compassion” and “Happiness” means.

[harrison-abbott]

Nick Logan

I used to have a friend called Nick Logan. I met him through friends when I studied in Aberdeen. First time I met him he was quite polite and conversational. He would ask you questions in a mature kinda way. Seemed like a nice guy. Nick was studying in Glasgow. So I didn’t see much of him aside from when he came up to Aberdeen to hang out.

But then he moved up to Aberdeen full time. Apparently his health was deteriorating. Nick had Type 1 diabetes. So he got medical leave from the University of Strathclyde. With the chance to do a transfer to the University of Aberdeen a year later. And so he was in town, now, full time: and I got hanging with him more.

Back then (this was about 9 years ago) I did music a lot. And Nick was a bit musical as well. He would invite me over to his place a lot. And he had this shed with instruments in it and it was a cool place to jam. So I showed him my songs and played along with him. Then I invited him to ‘join the band’, as it were, because I did gigs throughout the city as well. He seemed chuffed to have been invited. And so Nick was on stage with me now with the other chaps.

Of all the people I jammed with, I spent the most time with Nick. He was an okay instrumentalist. He played the keys and the guitar. But, yeah, the overall thing was that I spent far more time with him than any other of the lads (the group of five or six young men who were also musicians – there was a small clique of us). And, especially in the early part of 2015. For maybe three months or so, I was always around at Nick’s; or he would come over to my flat and we would jam.

He didn’t seem to enjoy the shows. That we did – he just wasn’t that interested in performing. But, I still thought he had my back. Until later in that summer, I saw him on the street by chance. And he told me he wasn’t going to come to the next gig because he “wasn’t getting a kick out of it.” The gig was already there and we had set it up and promoted it. And here was Nick telling me he was basically ‘leaving the band’.

[Later on, another musician-mate Lewis, said to me that he approached Nick about his leaving. Lewis said to him, “You kinda hurt Harry’s feelings.” And apparently Nick said to him, “Yeah. It was funny.”]

So I was a bit hurt that he left. But in the following autumn he made that transfer to University of Aberdeen. Which is where I studied. So I would see him on the campus and we would hang out between classes and so on. And he’d come visit at the flat.

Then after six months or so he dropped out of his course. I saw less and less of him. I graduated from my degree in 2016, and then I stayed in Aberdeen to do a Masters for 18 months. Nick wasn’t contacting me much these days. He then moved back down to Glasgow to try a job as an electrician. Apparently he lasted four months in the job and then quit out of cheer boredom.

And so he was back in Aberdeen again. I only heard about him from other people. Supposedly he was heavy into cocaine. And, I’m not trying to judge Nick Logan here: I’m only telling the story. Don’t mean to criticise him in any way. It was cocaine and marijuana. Pretty much all the time. Or at least that’s what I heard. And he tried a few other jobs here and there and quickly lost intrigue and left again.

At one point Lewis told me that he had been Sectioned in hospital. Because his mother was concerned with his mental health and the doctors were then worried too and so for a while he was in an institution.

He was let out. And a while later I saw him in Edinburgh. At this point I was back living in the capital. I hooked up with him. He was on anti depressants, he told me. And he seemed like a total zombie the whole night. He was just off-centre and distracted. When we were walking home he told me a little bit about his past. He was opening up about his personal life, which was quite unusual for him. He said that he used to self harm a lot, with a razor. And he would say things like, “Type 1 Diabetics only have a life expectancy of 40.”

That, as well, with the diabetes. He had to check his blood sugar almost every time I saw him. And he would have to inject the insulin mostly each time, too. It was just a horrible thing he had to live with.

That night in Edinburgh he stayed over at my place and he slept like a rock for 12 hours. When he finally came to he said his medication knocked him out a great deal.

Then I didn’t see him for, oh, about eighteen months. Which was when I was through in Glasgow, with other friends. He seemed glum when I first met up with him. Bored. We were going to a gig that night. We had free tickets. And we went along with other mates and Nick was just drab as Hell. He seemed irritated and not interested in anything I was saying. At one point I was trying to tell a story to the group and he interrupted me and said, “Oh, Harry: nobody cares about this shit chat! Talk about something else!”

At the end of the night I was going home with him in a taxi. And he said to me, “Harry, you wanna get some cocaine?” I said no. He really wanted to get some cocaine. I tried to persuade him not to. But he bought some off of his dealer after we got out of the taxi. Then went back to his place, where he tried to convince me to snort some cocaine with him.

I didn’t want to. So he went into his bedroom and dabbled with the cocaine there. And I went to sleep on the couch. And I woke up early the next day and left back to Edinburgh. That was the last time I ever saw Nick Logan.

He died in June, 2022. From complications with his diabetes, at the age of 28. Died in his sleep. That final time I saw him was in November 2018. And so there were years when I simply lost touch with him.

I miss him. I don’t think I’ve ever properly comprehended that he’s actually dead. Perhaps this story of him hasn’t been so flattering. What I miss, about him, is that short period where he and I were close and we would jam music together. It seemed like we were ‘going somewhere’ with the music and that he was interested in my material. And I just miss his company. He was quite funny and smart, when he tried to be.

I suppose his health issues destroyed him in the end. You can’t really understand something like Type 1 diabetes unless you have to live with it. I hope he’s in a better place these days. And maybe I’ll see him again in the afterlife.

[captainwidowspring]

This is a very thoughtful bit of work. I like, for example, how you drew attention to the fact that the writers only cared about Sharon as a love interest. This is further emphasized when it is remembered that at one point the intention was to show Steve and Sharon in a relationship together in Infinity War, but make it clear that it was not working out. They literally considered putting Sharon with Steve for the sole purpose of breaking them up, so that they could act like Steve was having issues in the future, and more easily send him back to Peggy. I also like how you mentioned Peggy's mistreatment. I strongly dislike Peggy—she is not a good character, and honestly the ending was believable for her, wanting Steve to herself was not out of place—but it was still wrong of the movie to treat her the way it did, like she was nothing more than an object.

Indeed, I agree with most of this. There are only two things I disagree with. One is the assertion that "Steve went to war with the Avengers out of love for Bucky." Now, there are two issues with that statement. One is just a small flaw in the wording; Steve had multiple Avengers on his side who supported what he was doing, so characterizing the conflict in Civil War as "war with the Avengers" is simply not true. But the other issue is that the main conflict in Civil War was not about Bucky. It was about the Accords, and Steve expressed his problems with them well before Bucky entered the picture. The airport fight was not about Bucky, either; it was about Team Iron Man trying to prevent Team Cap from going to Siberia to stop the other Winter Soldiers. The only major role Bucky played in this was supplying the information about where to go. And while the final fight was about Bucky, the only one attacking him was Tony, and the fight had literally nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Civil War was not about Steve "going to war with the Avengers out of love for Bucky", it was about conflicts caused by the Accords and Tony's problems. Steve and Bucky were just along for the ride.

And there is something else I feel is worth remarking on. You say at the end that "It is neither a joke nor an exaggeration to say that the trajectory of Captain America throughout the MCU was ruined at the very last possible second by the straight agenda." This is very much not true, however. For there was also a straight relationship that Endgame actively sought to smother: Romanogers.

Endgame's ending elicited no great cry of outrage from Romanogers shippers, unlike the Stucky shippers, because Natasha was dead by the time Steve went back to the past, so he wasn't abandoning her the way he was with Bucky (and Sam). But if you think about it, killing off Natasha in the first place made literally no sense. There are multiple reasons why this is so. The most obvious one is the fact that she had a movie slated after Endgame, but there are others. For one thing, it would have made a lot more narrative sense for Clint to sacrifice himself. He killed a lot of people after the Snap happened, after all, so sacrificing himself to bring everyone back would be a nice narrative resolution to this. Indeed, Clint even expressed a desire to sacrifice himself for just that reason. Of course, death is not the only way to atone for such a thing, but it does give him a motivation to sacrifice himself beyond a general desire to revive everyone, and make it a symbolically significant gesture. As it was, Natasha ended up being the one to sacrifice herself simply because she was the better fighter.

But also, nobody had to die. There are plenty of ways that Clint and Natasha could have obtained the Soul Stone without sacrificing themselves, this being just one example. That way, all six of the original Avengers would have been present for the final battle, which would have been the optimal state of things.

Even putting that aside, however, there is something else to consider: Natasha (or Clint) could easily be brought back! The Avengers only needed the soul stone for the reverse snap, after all, and it was returned afterward. By the film's logic, a soul for a soul, returning the soul stone should have revived the soul who bought it. McFeely even said, when trying to explain why Natasha couldn't be brought back, "But that’s the everlasting exchange. You bring her back, you lose the stone." Despite the quote's intended purpose, this indicates that returning the stone would indeed restore the person who sacrificed themselves, in this case Natasha. So there was literally no reason for her to stay dead.

No reason, that is, other than the problems it would present to Steve's ending, for it would cause many. For instance, since Natasha couldn't stay in the past with Steve because they wanted him with Peggy, she would show up on the time machine alone: and then there would be someone for the characters to ask where Steve had gone, and the creative team would then have to answer some uncomfortable questions about what they made Steve do, or else blatantly and obviously dodge them. Also, it would throw into sharper relief how Steve was just randomly abandoning his friends. Bucky and Sam he was able to just ghost, since he didn't have to face them until he was super old, but in order for Natasha to come to the future without him, he would have to directly say to her, "Go, and I'm not coming with you." (Or pretend he was going with her and then just not do it, which would be even worse.) Even if this was not shown, it would be pretty evident that such a thing happened. It would then be a lot harder to pretend that Steve's ending had anything to do with love, and ignore the whole "Steve suddenly just abandoned everyone" aspect. (And in that case, the Romanogers shippers would probably be just as outraged as the Stucky shippers.)

Indeed, considering how adamantly the movie insisted that Natasha was permanently gone, it really seems like the creative team of Endgame killed her off because she was in the way of Steve's reunion with Peggy. This is especially apparent when one considers the multiple concerted slights of Romanogers that occurred throughout the movie. They had that unnecessarily long shot at the beginning of Natasha observing Steve looking at the compass, for example, and then when Steve visited Natasha at the compound later, it was carefully insinuated that he didn't visit often. Also, during the visit he acted like he didn't know her at all, and literally suggested to her face that the work she was doing was not important. And it's definitely not an accident that Bruce mentioned that he failed to revive Natasha right before Steve left, as if she was permanently gone, even though there was absolutely no reason why returning the soul stone should not have brought her back.

If Marvel was simply desperate to put Steve in a straight relationship, they could easily have forced him together with Sharon, or else taken advantage of Romanogers instead of purposely trying to put it down. Steve's ending wasn't ruined by a straight agenda, it was ruined by a specifically Steggy agenda.

And then Steve's ending sucks and is bad.

Steve's ending infuriated a lot of Stucky shippers for obvious reasons. But. Like. Here's the thing: From a filmmaking standpoint, the Stuckies are right. Sending Steve back in time just doesn't work for multiple reasons, both in and out of universe.

This is going to be a longie.

#1 - Time Travel Doesn't Work That Way

The first problem is the in-universe one. This ending is so busted that the directors and writers actually have separate interpretations of what happened, and they're both wrong.

According to the directors, Steve created a parallel timeline where he's lived with his Peggy. He used the time machine to return to this timeline and go to that bench, but only once he was super old for, uh, some reason?

Problem is, according to this movie, you can't do that. You can't make a new timeline without removing an Infinity Gem from it, and also making new timelines is bad, remember? Further, the film gives no indication that Steve time traveled here. He doesn't appear on the Quantum platform. He's not wearing his time suit. He's just chilling on a bench, staring at the horizon.

The reason the film gives no indication for how Steve arrived here is because of the writers' interpretation: Steve arrived in the past of this, the main timeline. Steve himself was Peggy's mystery husband back in Winter Soldier. Old Steve has always been here, waiting for this moment.

That's actually worse than the directors' explanation. The movie has been very clear on the point that you can't directly change the past. Even after they prune the timelines, Loki didn't actually escape in 2012. That never happened. The events of the Time Heist never happened, from a historical perspective.

The internal logic of Steve's jaunt doesn't work out, no matter which way you slice it.

#2 - The Future is Scary and You Should Run Away

The second problem is what it does to Steve as a Man Out of Time. The white-hot core of this character direction is that he is an old man living in a world he doesn't recognize, and having to adapt to changing times. That's something we all have to deal with eventually.

So what is Endgame's final statement on Steve's efforts to fit into society? It's that he can't. Trying to live in this world he doesn't know is a futile gesture. In the end, Steve gives up, sinks his head in the sand, and rejects modernity. He embraces the shallow image of a woman he once loved was attracted to and lives out the rest of his days in a reactionary fantasy world.

I guess there is no value in changing and growing to adapt to the new world around you. What a shitty ending.

#3 - To the End of the Line

And finally... yeah. I'm sorry to tell you this, but the Stucky shippers were right. Not necessarily about Steve and Bucky's relationship being canonically romantic. But about Steve and Bucky's relationship being the driving emotional throughline of the entire Captain America trilogy.

In the end, this ending is the epitome of the problem with the way writers write platonic relationships versus romantic ones. Throughout the trilogy, Bucky is the most valuable and important person in Steve's life.

Steve defied orders and officially joined World War II, venturing deep into enemy territory alone, for Bucky. He was ready to die for this man. He laid down his shield and accepted the Winter Soldier's violence out of love for the man behind his eyes, and that sheer unrelenting loyalty brought him back from the monster he was programmed to be. Steve went to war with the Avengers out of love for Bucky.

And whether you take that love to be romantic or platonic, it doesn't change the fact that this is what drives the films. Not Peggy. Never Peggy. The films occasionally pay some attention to Peggy and Sharon, but they aren't actually interested in using these characters as characters.

(In fact, they're so disinterested in Sharon that she drops off the face of the universe in Infinity War and Endgame. Not even a namedrop. The moment the filmmakers decided to send Steve back to Peggy, Sharon ceased to have any value as a character and was consequently erased. They do not care about these women and their stories. The Carters are just the obligatory love interests.)

Instead, Peggy is merely the symbol of what could have been. She represents the life Steve lost, but is barely treated as a person in her own right. She's just a picture in his wallet that he can pine after. She doesn't move the story along, and his feelings for her rarely amount to more than Steve being sad for a little bit and then continuing along with what he was doing.

And this is how it always is. The best friend is the diehard series-defining relationship that moves mountains and saves the universe. And the girlfriend is just there, getting little focus or development. Steve and Bucky prove their importance to each other again and again, but no attention is paid to why Peggy is important. "She's a woman. He's a man. What more do you need?"

I'm not, personally, a Stucky shipper. But "I'm with you to the end of the line," still meant so much to me. This was the emotional core of the Captain America trilogy, right up there with "I can do this all day." Steve suddenly quitting on the future, quitting on Bucky, and running off to bury his face in Peggy's bosom felt like a betrayal of everything the films have ever told us about these characters. Peggy just wins. Because we need to marry him off somehow if we're going to tie up his journey!

It is neither a joke nor an exaggeration to say that the trajectory of Captain America throughout the MCU was ruined at the very last possible second by the straight agenda.

[callsignseagull]

all you had to do was stay ✪ part 1

Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin x fem!reader

Summary: Six years ago Jake hit your life like a hurricane. In and out in a matter of weeks. You thought after you get over the disappointment of him leaving without saying a word you’d never think of him again. But then two pink lines change your life forever. Now he’s back and still has no idea that the little girl by your side is his daughter. 

Words: 2.1k

Warnings: Not much, honestly. maybe just a little angsty 

A/N: Here’s part one!! I hope you like it! It's a little on the short side but hopefully there'll be more soon :))

feedback is always appreciated :)

series masterlist

You’re sitting at the dining table, scrolling through your emails with one hand while holding your toast in the other. You’ve become a pro at multitasking.

“Mommy? Do you think they have churros at that market Penny is taking me?” Your daughter is munching on a toast of her own, crumbs sticking to her cheeks. 

“I’m sure.” You smile. “And I’m sure if you ask nicely, Penny will get some for you.” 

She grins before taking another bite of her toast and you can’t help but reach over and give her a kiss. You can’t believe how fast she’s growing up. At now five years old, Josie is your entire world. As shocked and scared as you were when you found out about her, she’s the best thing that ever happened to you.   

Turning back to your laptop, you flag the most important mails so you don’t forget to follow up on them later. The time before one of your books releases is always the most stressful, but you wouldn’t change it for the world. You got so lucky. 

You wrote and illustrated your first children’s book while being pregnant with Josie, it gave you something to distract yourself from all the changes you were going through. And then you posted about it online, it went sort of viral and then a publisher reached out to you. The book was an immediate success. It’s been translated in several different languages and they even make stuffed toys and board games based on your characters now.

And now you’re about to release the fifth book in the series. It’s hard to churn one out every year, but you’re scared that if you drop the ball, all you’ve worked for will be ripped from you. You want to give Josie the best life possible, so you work your ass off. 

When both of you are finished with breakfast, you clean up the table and tell Josie to put her shoes on. As you slip into your own shoes, you whistle for Muffin, the four year old poodle mix you adopted from a rescue last year, and he comes trotting around the corner moments later. 

After checking you’ve got everything you lock the front for behind you, hold your free hand out for Josie to take, the other holding Muffin’s leash. Then, the three of you take on the short walk towards the Hard Deck. 

Penny Benjamin has been a life saver these last few years, throughout your pregnancy and beyond. She’s been there for you whenever you needed her, day or night. You don’t know what you would’ve done without her. And now she’s somewhat of a grandma figure for Josie, and she’s probably the hottest grandma ever. Her and Amelia are the closest thing you and Josie have to a family, besides each other.

Today, Penny is taking Josie to a Food Market while you look after the bar for a couple hours. It’s still early and not many people will be there, but you’re glad you can help Penny out while still getting some work done for yourself.

“There’s my favourite little family!” Penny greets, as you enter the Hard Deck, her arms wide and Josie immediately runs towards her and into her arms. 

“Hi Penny! I’m so excited! Are you excited? Do you think they’ll have churros?” Josie rambles with glistening eyes, her dimples on show and for a moment you’re reminded of how much she looks like her father. You manage to push thoughts of him to the back of your mind most days but sometimes you just look at her and all you can see is him. 

You haven’t tried reaching out to him again. You know you should’ve. But it felt wrong sending him a text telling him he’ll be a father. And you doubted that he even wanted to be a father. So you decided you’d spare yourself, and your daughter, the heartache. Josie hasn’t asked about her father much, but when she did you told her that he’s a pilot in the Navy and that he loves her. You never want her to feel like she’s not wanted.  

✩̿✪̿✩̿

Jake knew he’d come back eventually. He just didn’t know it would take him so long. But if he was being honest with himself he knew that if it wasn’t for him being called back to Top Gun for some top secret mission he still wouldn’t have had the guts to come back here. Hell, he’s been living only a few hours north from here for the past couple of years. He easily could’ve made the drive down. But he’d always been good at coming up with excuses. But now he couldn’t. Not when he’s in the same city for the next few months. He’d constantly be looking for you. Seeing you in every face that just slightly resembled yours. He didn’t even know if you still lived in San Diego, though. But going to the Hard Deck seemed like the logical thing to do. Even if you weren’t working there anymore, Penny Benjamin might know where to find you.

As soon as he enters the bar he’s hit with nostalgia. Nothing has changed. He takes a look around and pretends he’s the six years younger version of himself, still naive enough to think that nothing will ever rattle him.

Since it’s still the early afternoon it’s not busy and there seems to be no one behind the bar right now. With a deep sigh he sits down in one of the barstools, then notices someone crouched down behind the bar, looking for something in a cabinet. 

His breath catches in his throat. It can’t be.

He hasn’t seen you in six years, and even though he can’t see your face right now, he knows it’s you. He can feel it. 

Now he really feels like he’s been transported back six years in time. You haven’t noticed him yet and he can’t hold back the words that are going through his head.

“Can you pinch me? Because I can’t believe you’re real. I thought I was dreaming.” He knows it’s a bit of a dick move, throwing his first thing he ever said to you at you now. But maybe you’re not as mad at him as he thinks? What if you don’t even remember him? He hadn’t thought about that. Fuck. 

✩̿✪̿✩̿

You almost hit your head when you spin around towards him.  This can’t be real.

“What are you doing here?” You must look like you’ve seen a ghost, but it honestly feels like that. He looks the same but he doesn’t. He’s filled out more, even though you never thought it possible. And he just looks overall more mature. It suits him. 

“What am I doing here in San Diego or what am I doing here at the Hard Deck?” He tilts his head, a small smile on his face. You don’t grace that with an answer, he knows what you mean. The smile slowly drops from his face, and there’s a seriousness in his eyes that makes it impossible for you to look away. “I was hoping to find you here.”

“Why?”

“I want to apologise.” 

That makes you straighten up. Apologise? After six years? 

“I was an absolute asshole to you and you didn’t deserve that. I was going through a rough time and I took all that out on you. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I just left without saying goodbye. I got called on a mission right after graduation and when I got back I figured you didn’t wanna talk to me ever again.”

His words take your breath away for a moment. Never in a million years did you think you’d get an apology from Jake. 

“I-,” you stop, wringing your hands together. At a loss for words.

“You don’t have to say anything.” He smiles softly. “I’m in town for a while. Maybe we could … I don’t know … hang out sometime? Catch up?”

As much as you want to protect your heart and tell him no, you know you have to catch him up on what happened after he left. It’s not right to keep him in the dark now that he’s here. You know that.

“You don’t have to answer me now. Take some time to think about it. I’m sure you’re busy, with your books being such a success. And you’re still working at the bar?” He looks curious and you’re a little shocked.

“I’m just helping Penny out for a couple hours. You know about my books?”

“My nieces love them.” He grins. “I have to read them to them before bed every time I’ve got time to visit them down in Texas.”

“You’ve got nieces?” 

“Yeah, they’re two and four. Love them to death. My Mom’s been begging for grandkids for years and she’s so happy to dote on them every chance she gets.”

Your heart constricts. Two and four. They’re younger than Josie. Not only does she have cousins somewhere in Texas, she’s also the first grandchild to a woman who’s never met her. Who doesn’t even know about her. But you don’t know much about Jake’s parents. Maybe she wouldn’t be the biggest fan of a child out of wedlock. 

You glance at Jakes hand. No ring. 

You muster up the courage to your next question. You know the answer might hurt, but you have to ask him.

“Any kids of your own?” 

Jake shakes his head with a laugh, “No, not that I know of.” 

It’s just a joke but you feel like it makes your heart stop before it starts beating rapidly in your chest. This is it. There’s no better moment than now. Just get it over with.

“Jake, I-“ 

“Mommy!” Josie comes barreling through the door, Penny a few steps behind her. “Penny let me have Churros and they were delicious!” She wraps her arms around you and looks up at you with her sparkling green eyes.

Maybe you don’t even have to tell him. You glance at Jake and he looks a bit taken aback.

“Yeah, honey? Did you have fun?”

“So much fun!” She grins, showing off her deep dimples, and you run a hand over her head before giving her a kiss. You manage to look at Penny, who’s glaring at Jake. It takes all your courage to look at him. He doesn’t even seem to notice Penny, his eyes focused on the girl in your arms. You can’t read the expression on his face, has he already realised how much she looks like him? 

“Well, I guess I don’t have to ask you if you have any.” He smiles, his lips tight, then looks at your daughter and his smile turns more genuine. “What’s your name, sweetheart?” Hearing the term of endearment again makes goosebumps raise on your skin. 

“Josie.” She’s not a shy kid, so you’re not surprised when she looks at him curiously and asks, “Who are you?” 

Your grip tightens around her but before you can say anything he replies, “I’m an old friend of your Mom.” 

You shoot him a really? look but he just shrugs his shoulders. Well, you guess it is inappropriate to tell your five-year-old daughter that he used to fuck your brains out. 

“Thanks for helping out.” Penny says, “Both of you.” She winks at Josie. 

Muffin comes trotting around the corner and Josie let’s go of you to throw her arms around the poodle mix. “I missed you!” While Muffin covers your daughter’s face in slobber, Jake huffs out a laugh. 

“A dog, too, huh?” 

You shrug your shoulders, not sure what to say to that. 

“Does the house have a picket fence?” It’s a bit of a loaded question, you think, but you don’t read too much into it and reply truthfully, thinking about the little house you put a down payment on a couple years ago. 

“It does.” 

Jake rubs his chest and gives you that tight lipped smile again. “I’m happy for you.” 

He means it, you can tell. “Thanks, Jake.”

He gets up from his seat at the bar, knocks on the wood a couple times then says. “Your husband is one lucky guy.” Another tight lipped smile.

“My wha-?” 

“I’ll see you around.” He nods then turns on his heel and before you can comprehend what just happened he’s gone.

“Mommy, why did he say your husband? You don’t have one of those.” 

“I don’t know, honey.” 

You watch him cross the parking lot to his car and it dawns on you that he thinks that all your dreams came true:  become a full time illustrator, fall in love, get married, adopt a dog, buy a little house, have kids.

Little does he know that you fell in love with him, had his kid, and did all of the rest on your own. 

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[pumpkincarriage3]

Ace, Deuce, Yuu, & Grimm Relationship Analysis

Before we got into this, I wanted to specify why I added Grimm in. Typically, when I see people talk about the relationship of any of the characters and Yuu, Grimm is never mentioned. Unless of course, they are referring to the relationship of Yuu and Grimm.

I think this is an oversight. Simply because Yuu and Grimm are quite literally a package deal. There are a few characters in the game you so rarely see without each other, Jamil & Kalim, Azul & the twins, these are examples of this. But you also see these characters on their own quite frequently. But Yuu and Grimm being separated from each other is abnormal.

I can only think of three examples where they are willingly away from each other. The first, being in Iida’s lab vignette where Grimm was sent by Ace and Yuu to go get snacks. But even then, Ace and Yuu weren’t far behind him. The second, when Yuu went to go talk to Malleus. Grimm was asleep during this, and even then - Yuu’s relationship with Malleus effects Malleus’s relationship with Grimm. Simply put, since Yuu has permission to call Malleus Tsunotaro, Grimm also has permission to call him Tsunotaro. And thirdly, when Grimm went to eat magic stones. Yuu wasn’t always aware Grimm was doing this and Grimm also kinda came off possessed during those times - which is another thing entirely to talk about, but the point still stands. Grimm and Yuu are rarely ever away from each other.

Which is why I included Grimm in this analysis, he is just as important to the relationship as Yuu is.

Now, moving on from that, let’s talk about Ace’s, Deuce’s, Yuu’s and Grimm’s relationship. They by far have one of the most unique relationships in the game. This is because we actually get to actively see their character growth throughout the game through the relationship.

They are the only group in the game that Yuu can say will be there to help them no matter what. Chapter four and six not standing simply because of the unique circumstances. But that doesn’t change the fact that Ace and Deuce wanted to help Grimm and Yuu, they just couldn’t get to them in time.

The other characters don’t do this. Typically, you’ll only see the character for their respective chapters and the following one. Chapter six is unique in that regard, but that seems to be the rule. Only, Ace and Deuce don’t follow this rule. They have been in every chapter, either in big or small ways.

Because of this, we get to see them grow as characters. We don’t get to really see this for other characters, but we can for Ace, Deuce, and Grimm.

In particular, I think Ace, Deuce, and Grimm are all effected by Yuu in a unique way. Yuu is described as “disgustingly nice” by some of the characters. And since they are villains, this isn’t surprising. 

I think we see this “disgustingly nice” trait with Grimm the most. Keep in mind, Yuu took Grimm in. They could have kicked him out, or had Crowley kick him out once he showed up. Keep in mind, Grimm tried to burn Yuu alive on first meeting, and kept insulting and demeaning them second meeting because they didn’t have magic. It’s shown that Yuu feels sympathetic for Grimm, and that’s probably why they took him in, in a way.

Grimm treats Yuu as a henchmen but will get just as offended on Yuu’s behalf when something happens to them. And Ace has made a few comments on home screen, Ceremonial robes if memory serves, about how Grimm acts up the moment Yuu leaves. Grimm does cause Yuu a lot of trouble, but Yuu is known as a beast tamer because Grimm will only listen to Yuu. And I think that’s because Yuu is “disgustingly nice”. It’s kinda like, Grimm may give Yuu a hard time, but he’s the only one that can do that because that’s his henchmen.

Ace and Deuce do the same thing. They’ll give Yuu a hard time and cause trouble, but they are there for Yuu when Yuu needs help. They do this for each other as well. Considering these are the same people that had Yuu give them their lunch to help catch Grimm in the beginning, and they’ve now moved on to helping with much bigger things because they’re worried about Yuu says a lot about their character growth. And I think this is because Yuu is so “disgustingly nice”. Yuu hasn’t made the three of them better people, but Yuu has made them care more for their people.

And this concern isn’t centered around Yuu. It goes between all four of them. We see this in Endless Halloween with Ace. His vignette in particular. He knows Deuce is gone, so he goes to check Ramshackle to check if Yuu and Grimm are gone too. And when he finally gets them back, he’s angry because it was all just some big prank and he was worried something horrible happened to them. And he couldn’t even get mad because it was a prank pulled by the Malleus Draconia, and it was a big party for the ghosts.

This was the person that teased and poked fun at Grimm and Yuu in the beginning and tried to skip out on his punishment. This was the person that refused to work with the others and was content to get expelled. This was also the person that ran to Yuu because he knew they would at least let him stay at their dorm because they were so “disgustingly nice”. And this is the person that traveled a huge distance, spent and did who knows how much, just to get to Yuu and Grimm because they were in trouble. Him and Deuce didn’t even get to spend proper time with their families over break, because they immediately went to go help Yuu and Grimm.

Deuce was the person that got dragged into Yuu’s, Grimm’s, and Ace’s situation. Also refused to work with someone even though it could get him expelled. But he was also the person that went to check on Ace once he learned that something had happened. And even though Ace and Deuce both had times where they wanted something in exchange for their help, they went running to help both Yuu and Grimm once they knew they needed it.

Grimm is the person that didn’t have anyone before he came to NRC. And even then, the only person he had was Yuu. Yuu didn’t have anyone because they came to NRC and didn’t have anyone but Grimm. Ace and Deuce became people they could rely on. And Ace and Deuce could rely on them in turn.

Another thing is - spoilers - how Grimm, Ace, and Deuce are all helping Yuu get home in Chapter seven. All three will lose Yuu, who they care for deeply as a friend. Grimm in particular will be the most alone once Yuu leaves and there is no guarantee he can still be a student once Yuu leaves. But all three are still helping Yuu find a way home.

They have one of the clearest friendships in NRC. You know that they are friends. And I think this is because that they have one “non-villain” character that it’s so obvious that they are friends. Because while Ace, Deuce, and Grimm wouldn’t necessarily say that they are friends, Yuu would. 

That’s not to say they don’t have their ups and downs. You notice this the most with Ace and Deuce. Ace teases Deuce a lot, and Deuce doesn’t appreciate it. While Ace teases people because he genuinely wants to make fun of them, he also does it to people he likes. It’s unclear on if Deuce knows this, but it does upset Deuce enough that he’ll go to the beach and scream about it. It’s also unclear on if Ace knows that it even bugs Deuce this much. It probably doesn’t help that the two can’t get away from each other, they share a dorm room. But they’re still friends. 

People know that they’re still friends even when they frustrate each other, simply because if you can’t find the two with Grimm and Yuu, you can typically find them together.

Ace and Deuce are friends. Yuu and Grimm are friends. And while all four are friends, they do separate in that regard. But together they are a friendship group that cares about all of its members and will do anything for each other.

There’s an interesting phrase I’ve heard before. A hero would sacrifice you for the world, but a villain would sacrifice the world for you. I think this sums up the four’s relationship perfectly at the end of the day.

[catabasis]

i've seen a lot of people sharing their wishes and theories about the ending of BBC Ghosts, so i thought i would jump in and share some of my thoughts as well!

starting with how i'd like the show to end: i hope it has an open ending. none of the ghosts gets sucked off, but they reach a point where they are happy in each other's company, even though they quarrel every now and then, fully becoming a (found) family. an open ending would allow us to continue their story in our imagination, and i think it would be nice and fitting to have the show end with an episode where nothing big or important happens; they just have a nice day in Button House, and we know that, after it, they will continue to have more adventures and nice days together.

i don't know if i like the idea of Alison losing her ability to see the ghosts, not after they have become the family she always has wished for, but i would like to see Mike finally being able to see them, even if only momentarily. he deserves to meet them properly. as for the possibility of them having a kid, i'm not against it, but i hope it happens after their economic situation improves and things are going well in Button House.

the Captain coming out, of course! i think we all expect that to happen in the final season, and i'm hoping it happens early on, so we can see the Captain becoming progressively more comfortable with his sexuality as the season goes on. i also hope they don't make a big deal out of it and it just happens naturally, with most of the ghosts showing little reaction to it because they already knew, but overall they are happy for him and show him their support (and even relief, because the Captain repressing his feelings was painful for them to watch most days). i expect a flashback of his death as well (i hope it's silly!) and for him to finally deal with his feelings about the war and his military career, and maybe to let it all go, if only a little bit. as for his name, a part of me wishes they don't ever reveal it. it would hilarious if one of the final scenes of the show were to be a moment where the Captain is about to say his name and then gets interrupted. the mystery is probably better and funnier than whatever they come up with, and it's fun to leave some questions unanswered.

flashback of Kitty's death as well! it would be nice if part of the final season centers around Captain and Kitty, since they are the only ones left to tell their deaths, and because their friendship has evolved so much throughout the seasons and it would be lovely to see their bond growing. a character arc for Thomas in the final season would also be welcomed. he has many issues to deal with.

MORE HUMPHREY! PLEASE! probably the character with less issues to deal with, except for, you know, the feeling of abandonment, and that's why i hope he gets more involved in the storylines during the final season.

and finally, more screentime for the plague ghosts! they had a couple of good episodes (including the christmas special) in the fourth season, but i hope there's at least one storyline centered around them. they deserve to be part of the ending!

unless i have missed something, i think this is pretty much all i wish for in the final season. even if some of these things don't come to happen, or they are different, i trust the six idiots to come up with a fitting ending for the show, and i'm sure i will love it and enjoy it. i'm so proud of them, and i'm eternally grateful for this series, and all the love, care and passion they have put into it <3

[beef-brisket]

Lucifer laughed: Uh- yeah. I probably could do something like that... if you plan on coming back.

Adam: Do... you want me to come back?

Lucifer: ...I don't see why not-.

Maram rolled her eyes, already sick of wherever this awkward tension was between them: Sir. How about you show the first man your collection.

Lucifer: The... "collection"? In my office-? Maram- let's not overwhelm the poor man!

The king laughed nervously. Sure, he had all of his ducks on display, but he wasn't sure if he was actually ready for anyone- especially Adam- to see them.

Maram: Not THAT collection, sir. Your other collection... of human artefacts from throughout human history?

The king stared at her for a moment before it clicked. He forgot all about THAT collection. To say he was obsessed with humans and how they developed was an understatement. It all started with him trying to hunt Adam down but that was before he understood how long humans lived for.

He blushed when he saw Adam look at him, confused. Lucifer really hoped this won't weird him out.

Lucifer: O-Oh! That collection-! What a great idea, Maram! Uh... l-lets go, Adam! I'm sure you'd love this!

That was a lie. Lucifer was sure Adam would be uncomfortable.

Either way, the first man followed close behind Lucifer. The king caught the way Adam looked around as they walked. It was nice to see that his curiosity was still in once piece, although a bit more reserved.

Adam: ...Who's that chick?

Stopping, Lucifer looked at the photo Adam was pointing to.

Lucifer: That's Mammon. He's a man. Definitely a man.

Adam smirked: Oh good, I was going to say she's fucking ugly, but the last time I commented on an ugly chick's appearance she tried slapping me.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow: "Tried"?

Adam: Yeah. Tried. I'm the commander of an army. Do you really think I'd let some lady hit me? Fuck no.

Lucifer: ...What did you do, then?

Adam: Her sister came over to yell at me, but I brought them both drinks and fucked them for a solid six and a half hours.

Lucifer: That's... how...?

Adam shrugged: I'm Adam. I'm hot. What can say?

Lucifer: Uh... right. Just... don't fuck Mammon please.

Adam: Ha! Don't worry, shorty. I don't fuck people with stupid names.

The king couldn't help but chuckle and roll his eyes. As they neared the door to the collection room, he felt his heart rate spike. Here we go. This was it.

Lucifer: Welcome to-! The room doesn't have a name, just uh... welcome!

Flinging open the door, Lucifer let Adam walk in before following him.

The place was filled with ancient and modern-day artefacts. There were things from the very beginning of human history- like probably a generation or so after Adam and Eve. There were light bulbs, tvs, old radios, toys- even a 28,000 year old dildo. Which Adam found extremely impressive. And he felt lucky that Eve didn't think of something like that while he was alive- there were o Lt so many things Adam was good for, and getting her to cum was one of them.

Adam: Wow... this is- uh... rad, dude.

Lucifer: You like it?! Oh, thank father. I was worried!

The king started to ramble things off, with different information about different things. Some, he even told Adam where he found them.

But the first man quickly shut everything out when he noticed something small sitting on a display box. It was a carved Hightland Cow made out of wood. Adam had made it for Abel when he was little, the fluffy cows that hang around their camp were always his favourite.

And next to the cow was a wolf carving. That one was Cains.

Adam had made both of them.

At that moment, he blocked the king out, taking the toys in his hands. He could still hear their squealing and laughter as they played.

But he couldn't dwell in his boys long. Because that one horrible memory would always manage to slip in.

As Adam ran his fingers over the curves and gouges in the wood, he sighed, suddenly missing his babies.

Lucifer: Uh... Adam? You good, big guy?

Lucifer: *gets summoned but it confused when he sees that he's in Heaven* Uh... who- Adam?

Adam: ...Can you hug me...?

Lucifer: *laughs awkwardly* W-What-?! Why-?

Adam: Fine- you don't have to touch me... but can you just pretend to like me for once... like we're friends... I'm just- l-lonely up here...

Lucifer: I... Adam... you're making a deal with me-.

Adam: You can have my soul, I don't need it- or want it, I just... p-pretend I mean something to you... please...

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Lucifer: I...... *Sighs* Adam, you've always meant something to me. Okay? We were best friends for Heaven sakes.

He decided to just let this happen, he has missed Adam, in a way he wished things were different, he doesn't understand fully what happened.

And Adam looks genuinely upset, so for him to summon him to heaven of all places? Yeah, he must really be hurting.

Lucifer opened his arms: Come here big guy.

Adam hesitated at first but came closer, when Lucifer actually hugged him he broke down crying and hugged him back.

Lucifer didn't think Adam was so lonely, Heaven was full of angels. But he also knew how they could be.

Lucifer: Shhh, hey you're okay....... I'm here now..

Adam only cried, his shoulders shaking as he did so. He missed the devil so much, he meant so much to him.