#he kinda looks like Phil from modern family

[rocketqueen48]

🥴🥴🥴🥴

[gamora-borealis]

hi callie i was wondering if you had any theological thoughts about phan vs jedus, im ex-catholic and kinda agnostic-atheist but i genuinely find your perspective on religion and christianity to be refreshing :)

oh thank you it is an honor to be asked 😭💖 this got really long so my answer is under the cut:

I had to go look the story of judas up again to refresh my memory on certain details because I feel like I'm mostly familiar with the simplified sunday school version in my head (I love theology/philosophy but sometimes the nuances of all the different tellings from each gospel get mixed up or forgotten in my head lol). If you want like, in depth info on the differences in the stories or arguments among biblical historians/academics about the historicity of his story I would recommend reading the Wikipedia article about Judas because it goes in pretty good depth and gives lots of citations and quotes like actual credible scholars that I read and not crackpot evangelical "historians" who try to claim that everything that happened in the bible is somehow 100% true and try to make all the gospels fit together when they actually contradict each other lol.

but essentially the main reason people even ship jedus is because in the text judas gave jesus a special greeting kiss on the cheek in front of the romans who were looking to arrest jesus to show them which guy they were looking for (he accepted a bribe for this). like I think it's more so a modern invention to make the kiss seem homoerotic or something, which like be my guest I guess lol I love making shit gay! some gospels claim he was possessed by satan, some claim he was just in it for the money, but I think it's agreed that he regretted it afterwards and didn't actually want jesus to die and so he killed himself (or had an accident after being very distraught).

but like, if you want to get real gay, john the apostle is referred to as the disciple "that jesus loved." although I have seen it pointed out that this is a bit biased considering that line is from the gospel of john which was written down by john's followers like a hundred years later. but still, also john was the only one of the 12 disciples at Jesus's crucifixion (along with Mary Magdalene who basically was a disciple but the church has tried to cover that up because she's a woman, and his mother Mary, and some other family friends who were also named Mary lmao). so like why jesus x judas and not jesus x john?? it kinda seems like childish "hehe judas kissed him GAYYYY" over like. the actual close relationships jesus had lol.

to be fair I don't think I've ever seen jesus christ super star or any other jesus inspired musical that may or may not have contributed to this ship being popular. but at least there is probably a narrative or subtext there that leads you to want to ship them, whereas in the straight up bible I'm like. idk lol.

but real talk like. dan and phil are so very like, drawn together by the universe coded (which in the kind of non-standard theology I ascribe to, God is the universe!) and are such an uplifting entertainment duo that bring joy and hope to so many people I'm like. If God and/or Jesus had to chose, would they choose this beloved real couple or the guy who betrayed Jesus and helped get him crucified??? Like please.

(also I could write an entire treatise on why theologically god is not homophobic lol I won't get into that, but whether that includes Jesus the historical guy who existed? idk he never spoke on that - though some people think he was accepting of a roman soldier who maybe had gay relationship with a servant but that interpretation is a bit iffy - but jesus did go against a lot of gender norms at the time by being a single nomadic teacher who hung out with single women and told men to leave their families and follow him and if we think of him as theologically supposedly being at the right hand of God in heaven nowadays then they would be on the same page lol).

To get actually theological about Judas though, there are people who believe that Jesus's crucifixion was a necessary in some kind of weird sacrifice for our sins situation (academically known as penal substitutionary atonement theory) which I just don't buy into that at all lmao even though it's very popular in Christianity, especially among evangelicals. so like some people might be like "well judas had to betray in order for Jesus to die which was a good thing" but I just straight up think that's a crazy thing to accept like why did God have to violently crucify a supposed version of himself and/or son in order to forgive people of their "sins" that is such a weird convoluted way of thinking but that's what happens when people insist on believing God is all powerful and then try to justify bad things happening. Whereas I'm a fan of the movement to replace the term "omnipotent" with "amnipotent" meaning God isn't all powerful but is all loving (and there are some better translations that actually support this there is a recent book about it by Thomas Jay Oord) and be like well sometimes bad shit happens that God doesn't support but God's gonna just keep trying their best!!! so like I don't think Judas had an excuse per se but also maybe Jesus was bound to be crucified anyways not because God wanted it but because he was like, building a movement to challenge the Roman Empire even though it wasn't necessarily a violent one (more like mutual aid, dual power type stuff rather than a direct, violent revolution - which some jews at the time understandably supported although it unfortunately didn't work out for them). But this is looking back at it from modern times. At the time you could say Judas sold out Jesus to the equivalent of the CIA or FBI or something, like even if he felt bad afterwards why are we shipping them... I guess people might be like "Judas had to do it for the plot it's tragic!!!" but for what other reason are we shipping them besides the betraying kiss on the cheek that was in a different culture lol

I did see some interesting arguments in the Wikipedia article about how most historians think Judas was real but some think he could have been an antisemitic invention by Christians, there's a very big messy history of Christians, like even in the scriptures, blaming Jesus's death on the Jews in a way that is just very antisemitic and probably not true so that's another interesting aspect to this as well.

Anyways this is my perspective as someone into queer, existential, process theology/philosophy that is ultimately pretty protestant despite me being a practicing anglo-catholic episcopalian who likes saints and catholic worship and some other catholic-y things lol (episcopalians are like the bridge between protestant and catholic lol). hope this big rant made sense, I got kinda hyperfixated and haven't had addedall today and have been procrastinating eating since before I started writing this so I better go do that now 😂

[anarchy-and-piglins]

Since I'm a huge sucker for qpp emduo (i see bits of my own qpr in them) but also wanna incorporate youngest!techno: platonic soulmates phil and techno, (possibly modern day au?) With techno's homelife being... Weird? Bad? Non-existent? Who knows. All we know is he's not in contact with his family but phil is. His parents love him and his siblings. Phil's the oldest and though their age gap isn't that big, somehow techno's still younger than all of phil's siblings. Phil brings him to meet his parents when they've talked out the terms of their relationship and they love him instantly. Phil sees the immediate glint in his parents' eyes, the same glint that's three when they look at him and his siblings, and they bring techno into the fold, wether he wants it or not, and he becomes the honorary baby sibling and their parents shower so much love and care and attention on him and phil would be jealous of his bestie stealing his parents if he didn't see how shocked techno is at receiving basic parental love :')

OUGH, anon, now you've put the idea of modern AU teenaged emduo qpp in my head.

I want to say they meet at some kind of LARP-type after-school thing. Techno signed up despite being an introvert because he wanted to get out of the home for the weekend and away from his shitty foster family and Phil is there because his brother Grian (one year younger than him) is one of the helpers at the event (Grian would be in the DnD club at school too lol).

Phil spots Techno, recognizing him as a sophomore from their school (Phil is a senior probably) and notices Techno is kinda like, anxious and awkward at interacting with people, but also scarily good with the foam weapons. He approaches, they make eye contact, they discover they're platonic soulmates which is a surprise to both of them but not necessarily an unpleasant one. They click instantly.

Phil and Techno spend the entire event being an absolutely terrifying duo, the angel of death and the blood god, and their fictional empire has taken over the world by the time the weekend is through. Grian is kinda peeved (/lh) that Phil completely dominated his event lol.

Back at school, Phil ofc now starts to hang out with Techno constantly and the two quickly become even closer than they were. They're besties, they're soulmates, they're more than that. It takes a bit for them to both settle into what they want from the relationship because it's a little atypical but it's perfect for them and it fits and they're both so much happier.

Except Techno never mentions his parents, and seems to reel at the very thought of inviting Phil at his house. Phil doesn't understand at first. Not until he overhears two teachers talking under their breath at a school event where parents are invited and Techno's didn't show up - neither his biological OR his foster parents.

Enter Phil getting like, almost aggressively insistent about having Techno over at his house constantly. Whenever they're not at school, Techno is welcome at Phil's place. Because he doesn't want Techno to be at his fosters alone. He starts helping Techno get emancipated so he can live on his own (or live with Phil's family, Phil hopes. But he's working his way up to mentioning that).

[nomsfaultau]

Au body switches :DD

One of the sbi people wake up to be in the body of their counterpart in another au for a day!

A mortal in the body of a god in Minecraft/medieval era!

A god in the body of a mortal in modern times!

Fault!Phil in place of Where Lamb Wolves Near(?) Phil, making everyone an imposter in the pretend family! Nothing will go wrong trust

Also oooohhh what animal best symbolizes the strengths of each of the fault crew if it's okay with you,,,,they're just really interesting and complex characs and would love to know more about them ^^

already have the animals one in this text post right here!!

Alright let’s pit a dark sbi fic bs one where it hella sucks but they’re only mildly toxic. Recap for anyone who needs it: Fault au is a band of monsters on the run from the scp Foundation, Philza is an immortal dragon and has murder problems but is mostly chilling. The Lambs Wolves Wear has Philza trying to survive by pretending to be a Good Father for the monsters that stole/killed his children and replaced them. He is being abused and is hanging on by a thread.

Lambs:

Well, almost immediately it would be very clear that Fault!Philza (Fhilza from here on) is simply not human. Which kinda breaks a lot of things. “Techno” and “Tommy” are specifically using his humanness as covers for their goals. Also “Tommy” and “Wilbur” latch onto The Lambs Wolves Wear!Philza (Philambs) and are going to be furious about him getting yoinked. “Tommy” might come around if Fhilza fills his affection needs, but “Wilbur” is specifically obsessed with Philambs and would NOT handle it well at all. 

While Philambs is ungodly kind and unendingly patient, Fhilza is a lot more likely to call the monsters out on their crap. He’s just not going to put up with the same things Philambs does. So, shutting down “Tommy’s” physical abuse like immediately, banning “Wilbur’s” truth compulsion/glamour things. Potentially he is a great resource for untangling their particular traumas. However… I’m not sure he’d care much for the imposters. They aren’t his kids. Neither are the real children, too, but specifically the imposters are designed to be uncanny resemblances to sbi that just aren’t them in crucial ways. And Fhilza would immediately clock that and decide they aren’t his problem. He’ll be polite, maybe give them some advice, but the moment they start causing problems he’s not dealing with that. He’s far more stern than Philambs and just. Isn’t going to get abused by these random punks that only vaguely look and act like his Collected. While he could be a strong force to help the imposters figure out their issues and get the therapy they need…their mental health isn’t really his responsibility, especially if they replicate some of their toxic behavior with Philambs. Fhilza’s main priority is getting back to his real Collected and trying not to unravel at the seams at the possibility of having lost them. It depends on how long he’s in the au, bc long term there’s a high chance he’ll latch onto the closest pathetic rat of a child he can find in order to keep his life together. However unless the imposters get their crap together enough it’s not gonna be them because, again, Fhilza won’t tolerate abuse. Fhilza adjusts well to being in medieval times again, and says muffin it and just walks into town as a clear dragon demon!? That’s a demon get it! and just shrugs off holy water or whatever while shopping. Potentially an arc where the town learns to accept monsters that behave, the imposters integrate into the community, happy ending. 

“Techno” is annoyed, but has no investment in Fhilza, and is relieved to not have to live in fear of Philambs betraying them. Far more comfortable in an all-monster house, potentially sees Fhilza as a source of training. Possibly Fhilza gets them to take better care of their body, but Fhilza is notoriously a bit of a hypocrite on that front. Could teach them what ptsd is, which is a godsend. Fhilza considers Technoblade to be the Collected of “Technoblade” and prods them to be a better Collector. Can connect on the dying really sucks part.

“Tommy” is angry that Fhilza isn’t a push over, and probably would try to turn it into a fight. Fhilza would oblige, not really impressed by the demon, though not inclined to kill. After getting thermally trounced, “Tommy” reverts into a more submissive/fawning situation where he’ll do anything to appease the ‘greater demon’ until Fhilza snorts, says that’s deeply muffined up and "Tommy” should get some self respect. Less ‘showing the abuse survivor love for the first time’ arc and more ‘telling them bluntly that wasn’t normal and he better knock it off with the might makes right bullmuffin’. Given how achingly familiar Fhilza is with a world where the powerful are powerless against systemic oppression, he finds it particularly stupid. 

“Wilbur" does not handle it well at. all. Does not enjoy the taste of his own medicine with the loved one being taken by a doppelgänger thing. Plus the whole complex about Philambs being the only one that will ever truly love him does..not go great. At first allies very strongly with Fhilza on the ‘trying to get back’ part, which Fhilza really appreciates! But as it seems like there’s nothing they can do, “Wilbur” starts asking more and more questions about Fhilza’s life, drawing out truth with his power. Starts acting more and more like scpilbur, eventually taking its form. Because the only way “Wilbur” knows to be loved is to be someone else. Which Fhilza finds completely horrific and creepy. So that bridge crashes and burns. 

Overall, no one is happy with this change. Well, except “Techno.” He has a difficult relationship with Philambs, and happily returns to having trust issues.

Fault:

As for Philambs…instant panic attack as he’s suddenly surrounded once more with monsters, except this time he’s the imposter. Plastered smile, trying to be kind but he’s terrified and surrounded by openly horrific creatures that are nothing like the imposters he was maybe beginning to accept. Maybe he even goes for the Fhilza mask, trying to pretend be him with 0 knowledge, pouncing on a mention of amnestics without really knowing what’s happening but sure memory loss is so convenient! Yep that’s definitely what happened why is no one convinced..? Oh he’s a demon in this version of reality fantastic absolutely fantastic. Admits he’s not sure what’s happening or where he is, but he mistook them for his own monster children. …why did everyone flinch? 

And Philambs is crazy good at masks by now, is convincingly good at being confused and polite and only wanting these poor people to get their real father back but- well. The Blade can hear his heart going a mile a minute, and him and Tubbo can smell the feel of fear. Even as he smoothly denies it, eventually the pressure causes him to crack. Philambs completely breaks down because pretending to be a father was his only way to survive. The façade was all that was keeping him together. And now there’s nothing. No way for him to save himself, save his kids.

Veeeery awkward for everyone else, especially the hints that this guy is super anti monster. But they don’t really try to force him to be Fhilza. Like they have problems but they aren’t that extreme. They accept him into the group kinda, mostly since he’s a prime target for the Foundation. They miss Fhilza like crazy but the new guy is fairly different and blatantly doesn’t know them and isn’t keen on making friends with more people that only look like his kids. He does have some useful knowledge tho, and is down to not get skewered by pitchforks (what in Prime’s name is a gun??) by the mob hunting them down. Fault crew doesn’t really have the time or safety to try and fully investigate the swap, and without Fhilza’s firepower they have to be extra cautious to avoid the Foundation. Plus, The Blade can get summoned too and they found him last time so maybe it’ll work out?? Everyone continues to have their own respective personal issues, although Tommy swaps out ‘I’m terrified of Fhilza abandoning me again’ for ‘he has’, and Tubbos’ despising Fhilza problem is neatly solved.

Philamb is terrified of the monsters no matter what they say, because he’s been dealing with illusions for a long time. But there’s nowhere else to go in the middle of nowhere, and he’s piecing together that the world beyond would be incomprehensible to him. Clothing, tools, packaged food, it’s all foreign to him. He doesn’t know where else to go, and if the Foundation doesn’t show up and start a fight he might begin to ease a little. But Philambs keeps a watchful eye on weaknesses he notices. At times Philambs very automatically slips back into the fatherly affection/advice/support mode that kept him alive, but abruptly stops. It scares him a lot, the thought of slipping back into a lie. He refuses to share his thoughts with the group, is quiet more often than not, but he’s allowed to be honest in a way he previously wasn’t. Not constantly controlling his expressions, reactions, words is a great relief. 

Philambs tries to gravitate towards Tommy and Wilbur because they look the most human, but Wilbur kinda despises him for being human, albeit torn bc that’s kinda my dad but not?? The monster comments dig under its skill. Plus Philambs is not nearly as great an asset to their survival. Weird for Tommy too since usually Fhilza is this strong pillar of support and this guy is kinda a wreck. The Blade is very uncomfortable to now have a second person in the group that’s terrified of him, and he didn’t even disable this one! Tubbo actually starts to get along tho, happy to find out Philambs is actually not a scary mass murderer and also agrees on the not attacking people bit. Plus from Philambs pov this stranger isn’t trying to be like one of his kids at all. Quietly, Tubbo offers to take Philambs with them when they decide to run from the group. And since they now have someone who can carry them out, their plans jump up far sooner. Without Fhilza, Tommy is slightly less tied to the group.

So, when Fhilza does eventually get back, the group is rather fractured and on fire. Philambs is devastated to be back in his home story, and potentially gets killed bc he’s forgotten how to gaslight gatekeep girlboss. 

[deadwriter16]

Who are your top 7 favorite ships ever (can be canon or non canon) from any media? Why do you love them? Thanks 🌻

Also, random, but is there a story behind your name "deadwriter16"?

Hi anon!! Yall are seriously asking me such hard questions omggg but I will try my best! I am definitely forgetting ships but I'm just gonna write down seven ships that I love in no particular order!

also: there will likely be some spoilers ahead for some of these pieces of media so tread carefully. i'll tag all the shows below too :)

bkdk (bakugo and deku, bnha) - of course. i will always and forever love them. they mean so much to me and they are soulmates to me no matter what anybody else says. i mean just look at my ao3. its proof that they are soulmates fr. anyway id say i love them because i always really related to bakugou, especially before i left for college, and i thought that his and deku's love for each other was really beautiful. they will always have a special place in my heart

kyoru (kyo and tohru, fruits basket) - they made me believe in heterosexuality again lowkey. these two will also always have a special place in my heart. i'm a huge sucker for that selfless sweetheart character being selfish just for that one like angry dude who they picked out of the rain and claimed as theirs, (see: bkdk), and kyoru is like the best manifestation of that trope. they have permanently altered my brain chemistry and cured my depression

cece and schmidt (new girl) - idk if they have a ship name. these two. what is there to say about these two. so so much. their arc and their love story means absolutely everything to me. especially seeing a fellow indian woman get her happiness made me so happy, and both of their character development leading to them falling in love with each other,,, my favorite episodes in new girl are their episodes. they are THE love story. i want what they have

coliver (connor and oliver, htgawm) - these two also mean so so much to me. how to get away with murder is one of my comfort shows, which i know is a super weird thing to say, and ive always loved coliver. theyre both fucked up people, but they love each other and i personally LOVE the story and ending they got. their wedding episode is such a good episode and honestly i think i just love them because something about them is really real, even through all the hardship and toxicity and jail time, there's still love

mondler (monica and chandler, friends) - had they gotten together in season one they wouldve been UNSTOPPABLE. they are the friends to lovers blueprint and everything about them makes me smile. s5 is my favorite season of friends for a reason. their story is so important to me because they just like...kinda always loved each other? whether as friends or more there was just always love there, and it manifested itself in different ways but it was always there. best friends to lovers is my favorite thing ever and they are it !!!

maddie & chim (911) - yes yes i know buddie is fantastic and all but maddie and chim are my favorite simply because i love chimney with everything i am and i want him to have what he wants. also their baby is really cute. shout out jee yun. also also they've been through so much together and apart, and although i have my grievances with how some parts of their relationship was handled in the show, i will always love those two. no matter what, their love for each other always shows and shines and i just love them. also i am not caught up with the season 8 so nobody tell me anything

claire and phil (modern family) - i think these two were the first couple to make me believe that marriages can actually last. i thought, if these two polar opposites could survive all this time, then maybe there's a little hope for all of us. i love their different ways of showing love and how they can stay strong even through fights, and they are definitely my favorite modern family couple. people are always trying to talk about their toxic aspects but tbh that just makes them more real as a couple. and they still love each other throughout it all, even though they're both a little insane

honorable mention: jessica and louis (fresh off the boat), not done with the show yet but im on season 3 and any interaction between them makes me giggle and kick my feet. i wouldve put them on this list but since i havent finished the show i dont think i can compleyely speak on them yet. but as of rn i love them dearly and they are icons

also A.P. bio mention for jack and lynette bc they NEVER SHOULDVE BROKEN UP and then the SHOW GOT CANCELED and now ill NEVER KNOW IF THEY GET BACK TOGETHER but in my heart they did. glenn howerton tell me what was supposed to happen PLEASE

as for deadwriter 16,,, there's no story. when i was young and first coming up with this username i was just kinda like what do i associate myself? and back then i was a bit of a oooh death and darkness kinda person (see: my early works. generally very dark). so i anyway i was like ok ill do dead. keep in mind i was fourteen. and then writer came from the fact that i am a writer. and 16 is my birthday. hence deadwriter16!

this took me a while but thank u so much for the ask anon!!! i forgot how fun asks are lol bc now im so bad at answering them. life gets in the way i guess. anyway thanks again!

[hitchell-mope]

I finally finished Modern Family.

It took about four years. And that’s only because season ten arrived on Disneyplus in 2023 and season eleven arrived on Disneyplus on New Year’s Day 2024. Two and three years after I’d watched the first nine seasons during lockdown. But anyway. All is forgiven. Because it really was an amazing sitcom. So here’s my little retrospective.

What I liked about the show:

I think one of my favourite parts about the show is that Jay left Dede not because of an affair, but because he just couldn’t cope with her anymore. Even nowadays the man leaving the woman because the love had disappeared is an incredibly rare occurrence.

I like how well Mitchell and Cameron balance each other out. They’re both a little camp. But Mitchell has the realism going for him and Cameron is the sports honcho. I just think they did a good job of evening out the personality traits.

I know not many people agree. But I rather like Haley ending up with Dylan. I liked Andy as well. But sometimes the first love wins out you know?

Tying into point one. I liked that while Gloria was younger than Jay. She wasn’t YoungerTM than Jay. He was nearing sixty. She was in her mid thirties. Again. Even nowadays that kind of age gap is still an incredibly rare occurrence.

This is going to be controversial. BUT. I’m actually okay with the hbo type of jokes that they had. It’s probably because I watch supernatural and friends and the Simpsons. But in a show like this. The shipping options are kinda limited. Plus a lot of them were in the same age range. So looking at it from like a “Jane Goodall perspective”. I’m okay with the hbo type of jokes. It was just the right amount of Crossing The Line Twice.

Barring that one season nine episode. I’m happy that they never treated Dede with undeserved sympathy. That type of woman doesn’t deserve to be liked.

I really liked Joe. He was hilarious. It’s just a shame he didn’t get a lot of one on one interaction with Mitchell. Apart from that he was great.

Mitchell and Cameron’s wedding. It was a great two episodes.

Pepper Saltzman. He’s played by Nathan Lane. Where else was I going to put him?

Jay’s development with Mitchell. Claire was obviously his favourite. But it was nice to see how far he and Mitchell got by the end of the show.

What I didn’t like about the show:

This is a big one. While I liked that Alex and Arvin got together, at last someone that matched her intellect that she didn’t feel ashamed of finding physically attractive, I really did not like how she basically got shamed into quitting her lucrative career by a load of uppity college students. Just because she’s smart doesn’t mean she has to do the difficult job. She’s allowed to take the easy way out.

This is a little petty. But given Phil’s almost debilitating coulrophobia. It’s a shame that Fizbo and The Amazing Phil couldn’t take the circus world by storm.

I get that Claire wasn’t Dylan’s biggest fan. But for all her, justified, admonishments at Jay for how he treats Phil. She could’ve tried a little harder to break the cycle.

Pameron. Jessica. Tucker. She’s basically just a live action version of Gayle Genarro. Except lucid and aware of the chaos she causes. Baby Calhoun, however, is adorable.

Sal whatever-her-last-name-is. Hilarious. But grating.

Between all three of the Dunphy kids, Mitchell’s actor being part of the original cast for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and Cameron’s whole thing. It’s a shame that the show never had a proper musical episode.

Dede. Just. Dede.

Farrah Marshall. Claire was right. She really WAS Dede reincarnated. Only more spacey.

The fact that Dylan and Haley got Mitchell and Cameron’s old house and not the new house that was literally perfect for a growing family like theirs.

The fact that Covid and the resultant lockdown turned the finale into an Allegedly Optimistic Ending. Which is why we really need a reunion movie

Character ranking: For the purposes of this I’ll be making clumps of characters because I just can’t decide. I’ll also be including the extended family. Like so.

Luke, Phil, Joe, Haley, Gloria, Dylan and Manny

Jay, Claire, Mitchell, Cameron, Lily, Alex, Poppy and George.

Frank, Merle, Barb and Calhoun.

Dede, Farrah, Jerry and Pam.

And that concludes my retrospective. Let me know if I missed anything out.

[rapid-looser]

Heyy, can you do c!SBI being Reader’s new neighbors in a modern AU? Platonic please :] (and more specifically, if you want: Techno, Wil, and Reader are in their early twenties, Tommy is around 15-17, and Phil is… old LMAO, prolly late 30s or 40s)

If you don’t want to do it is fine btw !!!

★C!sbi being readers new neighbour★

a/n: hi anon! This took me some time, but i was able to get it done, i did headcanons and small drabbles of all 4 and this is entirely platonic! And sorry wilburs drabble is a bit shorter than he rest, i don't watch him much

pronouns: you/yours

requested: yes/no

TW: Cussing and swords?

.

.

C!Philza:

•He first first met you when you were struggling to bring in a fair amount of groceries

•He was the one who introduced himself and his sons to you

•He invited you over once he realised that they're your new neighbour

•He also told Tommy to not be rude

•He also accidentally knocks things over with his wings

•His wings seemed a bit..weird at first not to mention how huge they were

•But you eventually got use to them once you went over to they're house constantly

•However your clothes may have a few small feathers in them, which are a dark grey considering his age

•He also lectures Tommy for cussing a lot, which you can hear all the time

•And you also hear a bunch of random noises from him at random times

•Usually his random bird noises

•But you may also need to help the old man finding his stuff since he's kinda blind

•Also helping him find his bucket hat finds someone (Tommy) likes to hide it. A lot

You stared at the amount of groceries you had, maybe you shouldn't have bought so many but you got distracted while shopping. But what caught your attention was the moving truck that was outside the house next door to you. The house has been vacant for a while since the old owners found a better place, but the house was fairly nice. You started grabbing your groceries to bring them inside when a man approached you, he looked a to be in late thirties to mid forties. "Hey uh do you need help bring your groceries inside? I don't mind help" He said as he stood beside you. "Uh yes please, also are you moving in to that house?" You replied as you put down the groceries and pointed to the house next to yours. "Yes i am actually, with my three sons, also my names Philza" He replied as he brought the remaining groceries near your front door. "Well nice to meet you Philza, I'm [name], and thanks for helping me!" You stated

.

.

.

C!Wilbur:

•He was the one who told phil you were struggling with groceries in the first place

•The most odd thing was that he collected guitars. A lot of them

•Like, guitars from the early 1920's type of guitars from different places around the world

•He accompanied Tommy when Phil told him to go just incase Tommy chocked out

•He showed you his guitar collection when you came over

•He kept asking you where things were in the city since his family didn't know anyone else

•Since the first night, you can hear him and Tommy fighting about the most random stuff

•He'll introduce you to his 'twin', techno

•Since he's only been in the neighbourhood for a week when he introduces you to techno, he may ask you to come with him when he's going somewhere so he doesn't get lost

•He will also scold Tommy for being rude to you at first

•"Oi Tommy knock it off you gremlin" is what you probably hear when you go over there for the first time

•He's probably the most polite excluding Phil when you first meet

•However when you come over (since Phil insisted first up), he'll be the one to strike up conversation with you until the awkwardness is gone

"Hey [name] before you go do you wanna check out my guitar collection before you go? A fair amount of it is vintage" He said as he cut Infront of Tommy who was talking to you a second ago. "Uh yeah sure but what about Tommy?" You replied confusingly. "Hey Tommy i think phil was asking you to tidy up your room, so why don't you listen to him and do it?" Wilbur said as he faced Tommy. "Fine." Tommy replied in spite and not long after Tommy left, Wilbur took you to his room where his guitar showcase was, everything was sorted into decades, from the early twenties to the current time.

.

.

.

C!Technoblade:

•He didn't speak to you first up until Wilbur introduced you to him

•He has this..interesting vibrant pink coloured hair which was slightly faded at the roots

•He appeared to have these pointy tusks that came from his bottom jaw

•He collects a bunch of old blades of all sorts

•He's the most chill out of all 4 of them, once he trusts you enough he'll show all of them to you and when you first come over he may or may not show you a few swords that are more modern

•While the rest of the sbi sleeps downstairs, to sleeps upstairs because it's less noisy, so expect to see him from your windows just reading a book

•When you first come over, he'll start talking about mythology from all around the world and ask if you know anything about mythology

•If you do, he'll strike up conversation about that certain mythology you know about

•He'll feel more comfortable around you since your around his age, so expect a lot of "It's stuff only adults understand, into it [name?]" When Tommy tries to ask about something

•If you don't know about mythology he'll teach you about the basics of it

•He won't scold Tommy but he'll tell him to stop being rude since they're new to the neighbourhood and you've been her longer than they have been

.

•And he's also a bit awkward at first until he's use to you

Technoblade recently invited you to his room so he could show his blades to you, although he got a bit carried away when talking about the origins of a certain blade that came from a famous Greek soldier. "Books say the sword he owned was connected to the Greek god, Ares-" He rambled before the got distracted by another sword "Oh and this one has originally came from a Romen empire while they were at war, The sword was owned by they're ruler" He continued. Eventually you asked how he knew so much about these swords "Well, Phil had them before he gave them to me, and also, Tommy wasn't rude to you when he first invited you over was he?" He spoke up. "Well he was a bit rude but he wasn't too bad" You replied as you recall the interaction you had with the youngest a bit over a week ago.

.

.

C!tommyinnit:

•He first caught your attention when he was yelling at Wilbur about how he should get the biggest room since he's the better sibling out of the 3

•He then later was forced- or in his words at least, to invite you over

•Which he avoided until Wilbur went with him

•He was a bit blunt, snarky and slightly rude which got him a slap on the head from Wilbur

•And later got him a lecture from Philza which you could hear most the night

•But once you came over and he got comfortable with you, he was a lot more polite and vocal

•Even if he did comment on how 'old' you were

•But over all he was a polite kid (which he hated being called since he was a man according to himself)

You heard a knock on your front door, and as you opened it, you saw 2 people, someone around your age and someone younger who looked to be around 16. "Uh yeah hi, We wanted to know if you wanted to come over one night" The younger one said, Who you were assuming is Tommy, the youngest one Philza told you about. "And who may you two be?" You asked curiously just incase you got them confused for someone else. "Tom. And this bitch is Wilbur" He said quite bluntly as he received a side eye from Wilbur then a slap on the head from him. "Tommy don't be so rude." Wilbur replied as he smacked his younger brother on the head. "Well uh- sure i love to!" You chirped, ignoring Tommy who was cussing at Wilbur.

[chaolie]

I'm a bit bored so here, an AU idea I've had for quite a while! It's essentially a zombie apocalypse AU, but with a twist involving some Gods trying to interfere! It does get long, so most of it is under the cut! Oh yeah, this also ended up Fundy-centric, but at this point is anyone even surprised?

Please keep in mind that I kinda left this summary on a cliffhanger, and it's a very angsty and painful one! It includes a death, so don't read if you don't think you can handle that right now!

So, we start with a somewhat modern setting. Most characters (Excluding Phil and all the Gods) live in the same city and have relatively normal lives. Phil lives a bit further from the city but stays in contact with his family, and the Gods have a couple of their own dimensions to reside in.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a zombie outbreak starts just a few cities away, and the news about it doesn't spread nearly fast enough. That's the first time the Gods step in.

Unfortunately, they're unable to stop the apocalypse. They never quite held that kind of power, and the world ending really threw them off, the best they could do would be to help just a few people... so they do just that.

Every single God chooses one person they want to support. They get to give them a "blessing", so essentially an advantage, and can help them in other ways too. They also make a "bet" to see whose mortal can survive the longest, but only one of them takes it seriously. Now, the Gods and their choices are:

Death decided to help Phil. She used to come down to Earth sometimes before, so they knew each other, and the choice was easy for her. She gave him wings to help him avoid dangers and find his family.

XD, the god of creation, chose Dream. Except, he had no idea what he was doing, no knowledge about mortals, and misunderstood Dream's situation. The gift he gave to Dream? Pretty neat! Any and all of his injuries will heal as long as he still has the will to keep going! The way he made sure Dream would keep going? Lies. Hope this doesn't have any horrible consequences :D

Foolish, the god of life, chose Eret. They were good friends before the world ended, so it made sense to help them! With Foolish's blessing, Eret can now find their other missing friends! It's not very accurate and they can use it once a day, but they can check which direction someone is in! Unfortunately, something weird happened with their eyes when they received the gift... but hey, at least they can see in the dark now, too!

Drista, the goddess of chaos, decided to help Tommy. She knew him from some of her visits to Earth, and he didn't seem to mind her chaos-related powers before, so she figured he'd be fine with whatever she'd offer him. He more or less was, so now he will just randomly get some items every once in a while. They tend to be useful, though!

Bad, the god of darkness, chose Skeppy. Before the apocalypse forced him to stay in the Gods' dimensions, he'd spend like 75% of his time on Earth, with Skeppy, so of course he had to help him! To protect him from any bites, he made his skin diamond!

Here's a tricky one. Overseers. Their "godhood" is a bit complicated (PLEASE ASK ME ABOUT THEM.), but in the end, they got to pick a single mortal together. They picked Jack. They didn't know him before or anything, he just seemed kinda neat. Since they still lack the power of other Gods, they could only offer him what they were "gods" of, so "strong will" and "persistence". It's not much, but hey, it's still a free advantage!

Now, you might be wondering. How the HELL is this Fundy-centric, he has not been mentioned once, what are you even doing?? Well, let me tell you more about him!

He is probably the last person alive in the city and he is absolutely alone. He spends weeks looking for someone, anyone- But everyone else fled from the city while they could. He can't find his friends, he can't find his boyfriend (yes I'm bringing fwt into this.), not even his father! He does start to slowly lose hope...

Then boom! He suddenly runs into Ranboo, who accidentally stumbled back into the city and got separated from his group! After getting him to safety, Fundy learns that actually a huge chunk of their friend group is alive and camping outside of the city. They head there the next opportunity they get.

Now Fundy's finally a part of a group! They have 7 people in total - him, Ranboo, Tubbo, Niki, Jack, Eret, and Hbomb! That also means that they have 2 people chosen by Gods in their group, so what could go wrong?

Things go wrong when they decide to head north, to another city. They hope to find supplies, survivors, or maybe even a zombie-free zone? Who knows, maybe they got the news about the apocalypse and got time to prepare?

Most of them might find out, but Fundy doesn't get that luxury. Sadly, he gets bitten halfway to the city, and the Gods told their champions what a bite means. In order to make this less painful for everyone, Fundy volunteers to leave the group and walk in a different direction.

He walks west, and after a few days, while he's barely standing, he comes across a ruined city. He wanders its streets, and it's strangely empty, strangely quiet... it's still not long before he runs into a single zombie. Before it can get him, he runs into one more thing. A person. Dream.

At first, they're both overjoyed! They found each other again! After all this time! It's so great that Dream doesn't really care how impossible this is, according to what XD told him. But when he tells Fundy about his power, about how even bites can't get him, things turn... sad. Fundy's not immune to bites, and it's too late to try anything. They can spend like a day together, sure, but after that?

They do spend that day together, catching up and ignoring the doom looming over Fundy. Unfortunately, they can't just put off death, and soon enough, the bite gets the best of him. On top of that, the pain and heartbreak of that make Dream's power more or less useless. Uh oh.

...Aaand I'm ending the summary here because it's 3 am, but you best believe the story doesn't end like this. I am dragging the fox fuck out of the afterlife whether he likes it or not, and you bet I'm going to be a bit extra about it, too! I'm just not sure if anyone is remotely interested in what I just wrote here.

If you are, please ask questions. I WANT to elaborate on almost everything here!! Ask about the characters, their groups, the gods, about what happens next!! If you ask nicely, I might even show some doodles I made for this AU a while back? So please don't hesitate from asking!

(Anon is on if you're shy btw)

[fatbiatchforever]

Positive

Y/n's POV

I walk towards the living room where Bucky is watching a football match. I quietly sit beside him, thinking of how to start the conversation.

"Doll, are you okay? I can hear your heart pounding." Bucky asks with his annoyingly good-looking face carrying genuine worry.

"Uhm... I kinda have to talk to you about something." I look at him not sure of what to say and how to say it.

Bucky turns the T.V off and turns to me. He puts both of my hands in his, "Y/n, you can tell me anything."

"I know. The thing is I'm not sure about the whole thing. I'm trying to process things myself."

"Why don't you slow down and breathe?" He calms me down with the technique we use for Bucky after a nightmare.

"Good. I'm right here, Doll."

I nod. I look at the blank T.V and take a deep breath.

"So you know how it's only been two years since our marriage and we said we would spend at least three years just for ourselves?" I still can't bring myself to look at him.

"Yeah," Bucky replied.

"I have been feeling under the weather for a week. My period, even though it's never on time, hasn't provided its monthly wreck yet."

Bucky moved his hand under my chin to move my face towards him,

"Do you want me to say it out loud?"

"Yeah."

"Fine. I might be pregnant!" I close my eyes not knowing what to expect from Bucky.

"Doll?"

I open my eyes to see Bucky still holding my hands and smiling.

"Why are you smiling? Why aren't you freaking out?"

"I did notice the change and was hoping...."

Bucky with his smug smile.

"Hoping? You're saying that you want a baby?" I ask clearly annoyed.

"I thought you always wanted this too! Remember when you were drunk after your friend's Hawaii-themed party, you asked me to get you pregnant so you could "start early". You didn't sleep that night until I promised you FOUR kids."

I gasp and hit him on his metal arm hard. He pulls back like it actually hurt him and rubs that spot.

I roll my eyes at him, "I can't believe you would use that. I WAS DRUNK!"

"You always tell the truth when you're drunk."

"Bucky. I have always wanted a huge family, but... I don't know if I'm ready for it."

Bucky slung his arm behind me to pull me closer, "Doll, I'm not saying I'm ready. I don't think anyone is. I'm ready to make it work if we get the chance to."

I looked at his ocean blue eyes to give me the assurance it usually does.

"Nothing bout a guy with a metal arm screams father material, anyways." Bucky sighs, looking back at the blank T.V.

"Hey! I think- I know, that you will be an amazing dad. Probably the cool one like Phil is in Modern Family. I'll be stuck being the mom who has to say no because you can't. Your metal arm only adds to your cool points and you being an avenger makes it worse for me."

Bucky laughs and kisses me.

"I can't say no to you. What makes you think I will be able to say no to a mini version of you and me?"

I laugh and rest my back on his chest. We sit in silence for few minutes before Bucky asks,

"Did you take a test?"

"No. I know women usually do all that and do a whole thing, but I was just really freaked out and I couldn't hold it back anymore. You know not telling you things eats me in the inside?"

Bucky smiles and gives me an understanding nod, "It's better this way. We both could check together. I'll buy few tests from the store. Till then, you could calm down. Okay?"

I nod. Bucky kisses me before heading towards the door.

"Are you sure you can handle buying the tests? They're different from the ones in the '40s." I tease him, to which Bucky dry laughs and replies,

"Don't forget it's my 110 years old sperm that led to this."

I roll my eyes at him once again and lay back on the sofa.

Just as he was getting out of the apartment, I called out,

"Buck, I love you."

Bucky smiled and closed the door.

What am I going to do till he gets back?

Bucky's POV

30 mins later.

I may have bought more than needed. Y/n was right. There were so many different types, at the end, I took one of most.

Once I got back to the apartment, I could hear Y/n giggling.

"Doll, I'm back."

I make my way to the sofa where she was watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. She loves it and always sees it when she's stressed. In her words, 'They make her forget her problems and makes her laugh.'

Y/n gets up and sits in the middle. She pats on the sofa for me to sit beside her. I keep the brown bag with tests on the coffee table and hold her in my arm.

She picks the bag up and checks the tests.

"Wow! Thanks for the lifetime supply."

"We have four to make, Doll. I think we'll need more soon." She rolls her eyes.

I love it when she does that.

"Did Friends calm you?" I ask her as she surveys the tests.

"Uhm... Ya. Call me crazy, but I was watching the one where Monica and Chandler got married. I thought seeing Rachel freak out about being pregnant would make me feel better."

"Did it?"

"Not really. Got me thinking of why she was freaking out."

"What are you freaked out about, Doll?"

"I don't know. It's just so many questions."

"Maybe talking about it will make you feel better?"

She looks at me. I can see she's not sure of what to say, so I pull her to sit on my lap, "We're a team. We always talk to each other. Tell me the reason you are worried. Is it because of me?"

She looks at me wide-eyed.

"No! Of course not, Bucky. I genuinely think you will be an amazing father. I have so much faith in you. It's just me. I don't know if I will be a good mother. I'm scared I'm going to mess this up. I always mess things up. I... I love it too much to mess it up."

I keep quiet so she could let everything out.

"What if I'm not there when my kid is hurting or is in trouble? I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. What if my wrong decisions leads to their destruction?"

I can't believe she would let herself think that.

"Y/n, you are always there for me. The nights when I have nightmares, you stay awake and soothe me till I fall asleep. You always support me when I'm having a nervous breakdown. When I have an injury from a mission, you handle your job and care for me without letting me get up from the bed. You always take care of anyone and everyone. Just as you're always there for me, I know you will always be there for our kids. You won't mess it up. We will make mistakes, but we'll make them together and figure it out. Like we always do."

She hugs me tight. I hug her back. We stay in that position for longer till she kisses me and gets up.

"I'm going to do the test." She looks at me with a nervous smile.

I get up and kiss her on her forehead and hug her once again before letting her go.

I have my doubts and worries, but we can do this. I love her. I can't wait to see her holding our children, seeing them together as a family, My family.

She comes back with the test and asks me to keep a timer for 5 mins. She sets the test on the tissue laid on the coffee stand and rests her face on my arm.

"By the way, I hate how the tables have turned. You're the calm and collected one, and I'm the nervous wreck."

I smile, "I thought we could use some change."

She smiles back, "You're right. We can do this. We always deal with things together. Like we always do. There's no one else that I rather do this with."

I pull her towards me to kiss her. We rest our foreheads against each other till the phone rings.

We sit facing towards it with our hands held together. We look at each other before saying our "I love you."'s together. With that, Y/n reaches forward to pick the test with her free hand. She places it in front of us.

Negative.

My heart drops. I keep staring at it thinking it might change.

After a few seconds, I realize Y/n's looking at me. I put on a small smile and squeeze her hand.

"I'm sorry, Bucky." She looked so sad. I can't see her like this.

"There's nothing for you to be sorry about, Doll." I place my palm on her face gently.

"I raised your hopes for nothing. I saw how much you wanted it to be positive."

Being honest with her is the best thing to do.

"I did wish it was positive. But, this way, we can do this once you're more prepared for it."

She looks at the test before looking at me,

"I want to start trying."

"Doll-"

"No. I really want to start trying. This whole thing just reminded me of how much I want to have a family with you, Our family. I was nervous, but after talking to you about it, I think I'm ready for us to start trying. You can't say no because you promised me, remember?" She looked the happiest I've seen her today.

"I wasn't planning on saying no."

We were going to begin a new chapter in our lives. Together.

"We could start trying right here," I said as I placed my hands on her thigh.

She hits my hand and got up.

"I'm tired. Today was a roller coaster of emotions. I need to rest."

"Y/N, let a man keep his promise!" I walk behind her towards our bedroom.

[tosikoarts]

Modern AU HC [ Koito, Kikuta ]

Yes yes yes, of course! 👀👀👀 I kinda ugh went overboard with the size of the headcanons but it shouldn’t be a problem, right? Enjoy, sweetheart ♡ You can check tosikowrites tag for more.

◖ KOITO OTONOSHIN ◗

Yes, we can’t leave out the fact Koito is a sweet boy born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His daddy made sure that worldly problems didn't bother his son at all and if Otonoshin wants anything, he’ll get it in a blink of an eye. Half of the year Koito spends in Sapporo, enjoying a two-story light-filled apartment in Chuo district (yes, modern one, with a king-size bed, huge bathroom, and great city-view) and the second half he is basking on the sandy shores of Kagoshima. Well, sometimes he has to work from his father's luxury cottage. His credit card opens all the doors of life for him. Although Koito has studied in Japan (like Keio or Waseda Business School), he has also received a master's degree at some American university (would Stern Business School in NY match Keio? Idk). Travels when the chance comes, especially loves South East Asia, had a fun time in Madagascar and Iceland. If he had friends, he would have joined the frat boy society, but so far, Koito only has overwhelming anxiety that the people he admires hate him. Daddy fixed him a good job in Tsurumi’s company to save him from the temptation to spend all his fortune in five years.

Due to westernization Koito most likely doesn’t fit into the Japanese code of conduct, no wonder that people think he is an upstart. While he has no problem being looked upon with a mockery in the eyes it still leaves an imprint on his relationships with people (it is unlikely that he ever had a close friend). The magic of the Internet gave him many acquaintances around the globe and a load of postcards from every corner of the planet that Otonoshin puts on the wide corkboard in his room. Thanks to this, he is quite informed in terms of foreign cultures, which does not prevent him from behaving like an uneducated idiot now and then.

As Tsurumi's protégé, Koito strives to match his reputed grandeur: salarymen exchange expressive looks when theirs superior takes off black leather gloves just like Tokushirou does. It's in his look, in his speech, in the food he chooses, and in the clothes he wears. Most are annoyed by his copycat behavior. Not Tsukishima tho, he simply doesn’t care and is not out of condescension to the youth. After detecting the lowest level of judgment in the office, Koito promoted him to his assistant and a friend, God knows which position is more challenging. Once Koito stated that they are friends, Tsukishima had no other choice but to sigh and introduce Otonoshin to the world of pants with three stripes, cheap beer, and regular visits to the Super-Tamade. The cultural shock shakes Koito like an earthquake.

In addition to his busy life as an errand boy - he is constantly thrown from one department to another in order to gain experience - Koito is one of Tsurumi's confidants at meetings with the yakuza. He is one of the people stalked by Usami. The latter even tried to befriend Koito but they ... how to say ... didn't get along. Speaking of others, Koito had a chance to work with Ogata (family photoshoot), Tanigaki (private wrestling lessons), Sugimoto (interviewed him for the company). Some of the above-mentioned personalities slashed the tires in Koito's car and he still does not know who has done it.

Has a low alcohol tolerance. One shot and Koito is spilling his guts like his drinking buddy got a psychotherapist’s license. You’re about to enter a Dr. Phil episode. He also becomes incredibly tactile and tries to paw over everyone within a radius of 20 meters. Almost broke his spine trying to lift Tsukishima up. After a couple of shots, Koito himself unbuttoned two upper buttons on Tanigaki's shirt. Told Sugimoto that he is not as big of a dipshit as he previously thought, got hit in the eye, laughed, and paid for everybody’s drinks afterward. Any big binge ends with a recreation of The Hangover, where Koito wakes up with an empty credit card and hickeys in the most unusual places.

◖ KIKUTA MOKUTAROU ◗

Kikuta has a reputation of a nobleman, kind and generous, who is famous in small circles of people just like him. He looks… normal, you wouldn’t give him a second thought if you met him on the street. Works as a private detective so he can be a boss of his own but in fact, Kikuta is another one of Tsurumi's bloodhounds. Your typical patient at high risk of developing obstructive chronic pulmonary disease because of excessive smoking. Seeing him with a cigarette between the teeth is as natural as a cold winter in Hokkaido. In the comfort of his own home, Kikuta allows himself to smoke a fine cigar that smells like dark chocolate. Expensive shit. Sugimoto gave Kikuta a silver lighter for the birthday with his initials engraved on the edges. By the way, they are in an uncle–nephew type of relationship and when money’s tight Sugimoto can rely on the old man.

Some people play the guitar as a hobby, some choose to wake up at 3 a.m. to fish in still water but Kikuta has chosen to purchase antics and resell them to more discerning collectors. He has a separate room (personal office) where the best monuments are kept. It’s Asirpa’s favorite room too! She never misses the chance to poke some old vases when Sugimoto brings her over for a cup of tea. Their visits give Kikuta a chance to shower Sugimoto with homemade food and Asirpa with candies and animal plushies.  Sugimoto, Asirpa, and Ariko are his family, not by blood, but by spirit. Of course, he has a very harmonious relationship with Ariko (he often has to communicate with this particular pathologist): they are both quite introverted, so they are used to staying away from the crowd together, enjoying deep conversations, and sharing thoughts without the need to hold back a single word. They can often be seen in some secluded corner, smoking and watching the moon drifting in the cloudy night sky

Once upon a time, he got tired of drinking plain cognac and Kikuta decided to learn how to mix cocktails. Anyone over the age of 21 who crosses the porch of his house after 6 pm is met with an offer to get them something delicious to drink. Despite the lack of specialized training or high-quality equipment and/or alcohol, Kikuta mixes excellent highball cocktails that hit the brains with the power of a gong-striking monk. He can handle alcohol well so he gets the honor of taking his inebriated friends home.

Again, he is not the most social person around, Kikuta prefers to spend evenings within the walls of his own home. He has a tensely friendly relationship with Tsurumi and his minions. Few times he had to work with Usami, running various risky scams for the yakuza: for a very long time Kikuta tried to convince Usami to return to a normal life, enroll in uni, and live as everyone else does, but the attempts were unsuccessful (Usami was extremely hostile to the idea, to Kikuta, almost threw a tantrum like I'm already an adult, I can decide what I want to do in life do blah blah blah). It seems to me that Kikuta might be the only person who slowly but surely draws Ogata into a conversation about this erroneous vicious nonsense in his head. Over a cup of coffee, on a bench in the park, anywhere and in any way through long-winded conversations (Hannibal-style dialogues, you feel me?). Maybe he dreamed of becoming a psychotherapist in the past, who knows.

An enviable bachelor. Kikuta is surrounded by a lot of charming women who would gladly go on a date with this elegant, modest, magnetic man who will always come to the rescue, take care of their problems, listen, and give advice, but Kikuta shuns dating and would never touch a dating app. He had affairs, multiple even, but never felt that this is the person with whom he wants to spend his whole life. Looking for a relationship is a waste of time, so he's just out there, waiting for a sign from the universe.

[blueskywater-happiness]

Unpopular opinion and headcanon in regards to Phil and his relations with Alfred and Tonio

I can actually see Spain and America relationship to Philippines as a toxic PARENTAL (not lovers, can not ship them sorry) type. And that he still sees them, mostly America, as "dad" even in modern era.

Hear me out, I am a Filipino from Panay... We have a family oriented culture. No matter HOW abusive, how TOXIC a parent can be, we are always told by our peers, relatives and even strangers that we should forgive them, because they are our parents.

Some actually do forgive and somehow it is a happily ever after sweeping up the bad shit under the rug and forget who made those mental scars, physical scars and even emotional. (Watch some mmk documentaries, it is a drama biography series that reenacts stories from those living here in the Philippines).

Filial piety is important here in Asia after all... And to be honest, I can see an analogy of the US-PH relations as a toxic parent and child, which the child develops some sort of stockholm dependency to cope and to survive.

You have to admit we have colonial mentality.

Idk what Hima plans but I prefer parental type like Emil and Sadiq... Even though the relations for Iceland and Turkey is base on those pirates kidnapping Icelandic people. *shrug*

In some (idk other countries but I see this culture even abroad) Asian cultures :/ it is the kid who has to forgive the parents, not the parents who has to apologize.

I can see Hetalia America is a good guy in his pov, unaware his actions is too toxic and Philippines at first is mad but goes "but he never excludes me from learning his language, getting new stuff etc unlike what he did" and tries to rationalize that Alfred is really a good "parent" and trying to forget what had happened.

Not helping the fact Alfred meddles in his affairs like a copter parent.

Edit: Salamat @asitrita for pointing that yes there is a compulsory public education in the Philippines during Spanish Colonial times although it is inefficient af :T and not as effective as the American, plus:

From wikipedia

Initially, the stance of the Roman Catholic Church and its missionaries was to preach to the natives in local languages, not in Spanish. The priests learned the native languages and sometimes employed indigenous peoples as translators, creating a bilingual class known as Ladinos. Before the 19th century, few natives were taught Spanish. However, there were notable bilingual individuals such as poet-translator Gaspar Aquino de Belén. Gaspar produced Christian devotional poetry written in the Roman script in Tagalog. Pasyon is a narrative of the passion, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ begun by Gaspar Aquino de Belén, which has circulated in many versions.

Edit 2: Okay I was wrong to compare 19th century education to 20th century education of Spain vs USA and that Spain actually tried to educate the country (and in that era, their education would be considered better and equal to those in the homeland though I have doubts because of biases :/ not sure who is being truthful), I am just trying point out WHY pinas would rationalize himself as to why Alfred is a better parent, trying to gaslight and convince himself, erasing the good points.

It is kinda hard to strike as there are bias education books throughout the schools I went to, not to mention even International Philippine school abroad.

BUT the crux of the matter is that Pinas is trying to RATIONALIZE how Alfred is better. Gaslight, stockholm etc.

I mean, how does one translate the whole Colonial Mentality and the Well done dad trope to country personifcations.

Fyi tho :/ I am not sure even if Spain was better tbh, because of the whole rose tinted glasses and let us not forget about that bs Magellan and Elcano movie.

Edit 3: Geezus christ that feeling when a lot of people from said colonizing country is scolding you for being ignorant... WELL GIVE US BACK OUR MYTHOLOGY THEN?! DO I LOOK LIKE PRO USA?! I LITERALLY POINTED OUT HOW TOXIC ALFRED IS!

[crystalirises]

Sbi mafia au, where Wilbur is a member of Phil and Techno's criminal gang and Tommy's older brother. One day he meets an orphan kid, Fundy, and adopts him as his son. George, who is also part of the gang, raises Fundy with him. Fundy happily spends the first few years with them not knowing the real business of his family until he realizes years later what is really going on (he finds out when he sees or hears a member of his family kill someone).

Fundy leaves, not wanting anything with them again, but returns years later because he has to deal with his family's business and his past or maybe all of that is already too normal for him and he stays with them (not modern au, I like to think that this au is set during the time of Porco Rosso movie or old mafia movies).

Hello! Sorry that it took a while to do this one.

I am not gonna lie, I have never watched the Porco Rosso movie nor have I ever watched a single mafia movie in my life. Also, I forgot that you kinda implied that Phil and Techno were business partners in the gang, and made Techno his son. Also, I wasn't sure of what you meant by "hears a member of his family kill someone" and so I took it as... not literally hear them murder someone.

So... yeah, sorry if this isn't what you had wanted, though I still hope you enjoy this one!

Ao3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34916737/chapters/91203037

TW: Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Guns and Shooting, Mentions of Murder, and General Mafia Stuff

I. A Lapse in Judgment Goes a Long Way

He could still hear the ringing in the air, the bitter scent of gunpowder and metal mixing in with the smell of trash that littered the alleyway. The footsteps had faded away, the voices disappearing until it was fully drowned by the night wind. He lifted the metal cover of the dumpster, the squelch of a banana peel falling off his head made him nauseous, but it wasn’t the first time he’d had trash on him. He peered out into the darkness, lumps of unmoving shadows scattered across the ground, the occasional glint of gunmetal silver dancing as the moonlight tried to illuminate the small alleyway. He took a deep breath before climbing out of the dumpster.

A small crunch tore through the air, the ground slippery as he held onto the edge of the dumpster. From the far end of the alley, he could see the faint light of an open car, the doors left open. Fundy slowly made his way to it, feet threatening to give way underneath him. He stepped over the lumps on the ground, one hand always clinging to the wall that was sticky with mildew or… something worse. He was shivering, his stomach growling. He’d forgotten how hungry he was.

As he got closer to the light of the car, he thought back to the cardboard box that was his home.

It was in another alley, and… the car looked inviting. He glanced down the empty streets. Maybe he could take a small nap, maybe the car’s owner was one of the unmoving lumps in the alley…

He climbed into the backseat. One nap won’t kill him.

II. Car Ride into Darkness

There was a hand combing through his hair. A weight was settled against his shoulders, his body warm despite the chill he had felt when he’d gone to sleep. He’d never felt that warm before.

He tried to squirm away from the calloused fingers, but an arm wrapped around him, a voice gently shushing him and further bundling him in the blanket. Fundy placed a hand in front of him, trying to push himself away but the person wouldn’t budge. “Shh, it’s alright. You’re safe.”

“Phil will not be pleased with a new member.” There was a pause, “Especially one so young.”

“Gogy! This is our son!” A face rubbed the top of his head, “Phil’s first grandson!”

“I didn’t agree to this—”

III. A Kind Awakening

For as long as he could remember, the world had always been unkind. Fundy didn’t know who his parents were, his earliest memories being the four plastered white walls of the orphanage he’d been left in. The caretakers did what they could for the children, but it wasn’t like they could bother to care. Most children left the orphanage at the age of thirteen, some being as young as ten. Everyone knew that the city of L’Manburg was riddled with… underground organizations, some even hired children. Fundy was lucky to have never been offered any work, though he remembered the occasional black cars that would stop in front of him… before driving away.

He’d left the orphanage at the age of fourteen, mostly because he couldn’t stand the idea of looking at those cracking white walls anymore. Life on the streets was rough, especially when you had to avoid the gangs that roamed around, the lower members looking for a fight with anyone that looked at them wrong. Fundy thought that it was because they were bragging. Look at me, I made it to the ranks! Fundy didn’t know why anyone would be so proud to be a criminal.

Maybe it was because of the benefits. Fundy didn’t want the benefits. He’d rather live on the streets than have anything to do with those kinds of people. Yet, as he shook himself awake, feeling the dull ache in his stomach, he didn’t understand why he felt so warm and comfortable.

The air was fresh with the scent of flowers, along with the faint scent of something that smelled really delicious. It grew closer, and that was when he opened his eyes. There was white fuzz in front of him, a blanket that he pushed away just in time to see a block of food placed on the table in front of him. His stomach growled, a whimper escaping his lips. It was cruel to place food in front of him, knowing it probably wasn’t for him. But suddenly, there was a hand combing through his curly hair, a chuckle reaching his ears. Then arms reached down to help him sit up.

“Good morning!” A stranger smiled down at him, “Are you hungry?”

IV. A Love He’s Never Known

Fundy never thought he’d be so lucky.

He sat beside George and Wilbur… no… He was sitting beside dad and papa, happily eating the pancakes that papa had made for breakfast. It had been a month since they’d brought him home. It had been a happy coincidence that they’d found him in their car, the automobile having been broken in by the gangs that had fought in that alley. They had always wanted a kid, and the moment they saw Fundy, he was as good as theirs. He never thought anyone would want him, or that anyone would be willing to adopt a child in this city, unless it was for criminal reasons. He’d been nervous when he’d first woken up, but they’d doted on him until he grew to love them.

“What do you want to do today, Fundy?”

Papa finished his own plate of pancakes, picking it up before heading to the sink. Dad continued to sit beside him despite having finished eating. He was slower than papa during mornings, mostly because his work was at night and he usually spent the day sleeping. With papa’s tone though, Fundy knew that he was about to leave on another business trip. He liked to spend a lot of time with Fundy before he left, sometimes too much because he would carry Fundy even if he didn’t need to be carried. He thought about the question, mouth still full of pancake. “A picnic.”

Dad smiled, though a look of worry crossed his eyes. “Maybe with the whole family.”

V. Uncles are Weird

“He’s fucking ugly.” The older teenager stared down at him, a basket of bread slung over his arm. Fundy pouted, sticking out his tongue at who he knew now was Uncle Tommy. “And rude.”

“What’s wrong, Tommy? Scared of the competition? He’s exactly like you.” Uncle Techno piped up from behind the picnic table, holding a bowl of mashed potatoes in his hands. He had been scared of him when his papa had introduced him, but dad had told him that Uncle Techno was really nice if you got to know him better. Tommy sputtered, stomping his way towards the pink-haired man, screaming profanities and saying that he was better than Fundy in every way, that he wasn’t a rude, ugly baby. Not that Fundy was either! “Tommyinnit is losing his crown…”

“Don’t mind them, they’re always like that.” Another voice spoke up behind him, Uncle Tubbo who had a jar of honey in his hands. Dad and papa had left him with his uncles while they cooked in the kitchen, saying that Fundy wasn’t allowed to wander off on his own unless he was with any of his uncles. “You should hear them at Christmas! Or, worse, during Phil’s birthdays.”

He nodded, still too shy to say anything to any of them. Fundy was in a new house, standing awkwardly in the backyard of a mansion that was only a little bit bigger than his dads’ house. It still made him queasy to know that he’d been adopted by a clearly rich couple. In this city… you never know how people become rich. He’d been on edge since they’d arrived, and the stone walls that obstructed the view of the outside world made him feel like he was in a gilded cage.

It didn’t help that he could see men in black uniforms hiding within the bushes of the garden.

VI. Old Man Phil

They were only allowed to eat once his grandpa had sat down. Fundy nervously poked at the mass of mashed potatoes on his plate, feeling that crowlike gaze on him. It didn’t help that he had been forced to sit beside grandpa, because he had wanted to see his grandson. He glanced at his dad, but he was busy talking to Uncle Techno to notice and papa was on the other side of the table, arguing with Uncle Tommy. He continued to poke the mashed potatoes with his fork.

“You’re my first grandson. To tell you the truth, I thought none of my sons would ever commit to having children.” The voice was soft, low that it was drowned out underneath the other conversations, but loud enough for Fundy to hear. He glanced up, staring up at icy blue eyes, and he knew exactly who Uncle Tommy took after. Although, Uncle Tommy had eyes as blue as the sky. His grandpa had a kind smile on his face, but Fundy couldn’t help but shiver anyway. A hand - not bony, and nothing about his grandpa suggested looking like he was old - rested on his head, ruffling his hair gently. “Wilbur told me how he found you. How old are you, mate?”

“Fifteen…” He muttered softly. Fundy took a small bite of the potatoes, following it afterwards with a bigger bite once he realized Uncle Techno had looked at him. His uncle was scary, and he didn’t want to offend him. He continued, “But I don’t really know… I don’t have a birthday…”

“Hm?” Grandpa raised an eyebrow, “Everyone has a birthday. Do you have a favorite day?”

Fundy shook his head, and grandpa sighed kindly. “Then… today will be your birthday.”

VII. The Man in the Mask

“I need to talk to you.” He startled, raising his eyes up towards the man who had approached him. Fundy couldn’t help it, but he’d seen the man a few benches away, and he had been a little bit smitten. His twenty-first birthday was scheduled for that night, and Fundy had begged his dads to let him have some moment of freedom to himself. They had been reluctant about it, but they’d let him go to the nearby park after more begging. “Can we… Can we go somewhere?”

“At least tell me your name first.” The stranger’s face bloomed red, and those startled green eyes quickly disappeared under a white porcelain mask. Confusion and then fear bubbled inside Fundy’s chest at the sight, but the stranger was pulling him along now. “Hey, fucking let go o—”

“You’re being followed, we can’t talk out in the open. If you want to know about your mom, you’ll come with me before someone shoots me dead!” The man whisper-hissed, pulling his arm again. Fundy shook his head, but his mind had picked up mom and had begun to wonder about thoughts he’d left behind as a child. He dug his heels into the earth, refusing to budge anyway.

“I’m not getting fucking murdered by some green boy in a childish mask!” He pulled his hand away, massaging his arm. The stranger let out an angered sigh of frustration, lunging for his arm again but Fundy quickly moved back. The park was completely deserted, the air devoid of any wind, but he could hear the bushes rustling. It reminded him of a faint memory, long forgotten but now resurfacing. It had been his first birthday… Fundy shook his head, going against his judgment and choosing to entertain the lunatic’s words. “Fine, who the fuck is following me?”

“Some… people from Sleepy Bois Inc.” This time, Fundy let himself be dragged away.

VIII. A Watery Grave

“If this is where you shoot me and dump me in the ocean for some poor fisherman to find, I want you to know now that my dads forced me to learn self-defense.” And it wasnt’t a lie, his dads did force him to learn self-defense. L’Manburg was a fucked up place, and they were not taking any chances. The man - whose name he now knew was Dream - adjusted his mask so that it was at the side of his head. They were at the pier, far far away from the park, and definitely further away from his grandpa’s house. “I would scream, ya know? I’ll scream if you pull out a gun—”

“L’Manburg has a lot of gangs, some new and some long disbanded. You were a baby when the Rivers Family was disbanded. And I was only five then too. My mom was part of the gang, and so was your mom.” He didn’t have time to react before Dream continued. “I think Sally - your mom, she was the leader of the family - had some… I don’t know, fling? with Wilbur Soot? Whatever the fuck they had, it didn’t end pretty. Sleepy Bois Inc. destroyed the Rivers family.”

He could feel nausea rising to his stomach, his throat tight. “I escaped the massacre, and was taken in by Pandora. I’m close to the head boss and I asked him to occasionally check on you…”

Flashes of black cars crossed his mind. He’d nearly forgotten them. “So… why are we here?”

Dream caught his gaze. “Where do you think they dumped the bodies?”

IX. Death in the Family

The night Dream had told him the truth - and Fundy hadn’t believed him, not until Dream had rolled his eyes and actually showed him evidence of the massacre and Fundy’s actual identity - he had decided he couldn’t stay near his dads… no… George and Wilbur Soot-Lore. They’d notice something was wrong. They’d ask and Fundy would tell them because he couldn’t ever lie to them. And they’d fucking kill him. Dream had given him an envelope of money, said that it would be enough to get him wherever he needed to go, plus rent or pay for an apartment or house. He’d taken it and fucking ran to the nearest train station. He couldn’t afford to waste time.

It’s been about a year, and Fundy had found a small inn that had been happy to take him in. The owner, Eret, didn’t really need the money. They needed help and Fundy was happy to work there.

It was a small inn within a small village, and he thought he would be happy there. Until the letter. He had found it on his bed when he’d retired for the night, a starch white against the orange bedding. Fundy had opened it with shaking fingers, head dizzy. The letter had his name on it… nobody in the village knew his real name… at least not the one with Soot-Lore at the end of it.

He went by Rivers now. The letter’s contents were surprising. Tommy had clearly written it, and it looked like he had been crying as he’d written it. Despite himself, he couldn’t help but mourn.

Phil had died.

X. The Angel of Death

He’d snuck into the mausoleum after everyone had dispersed outside. It had been a small affair, the whole family gathering to mourn Phil’s passing. Fundy had stayed hidden behind a tree the whole time, careful to hide each time someone turned to look in his general direction. Now here he was, standing over the still open casket. He couldn’t really bear to look at Phil’s face, his stomach churning at what he’d see. Would there be a bullet hole somewhere? If there was one way how Phil would die, it would probably be an assassination attempt that succeeded. He nervously traced the crow decos of the casket, their beady black eyes gazing up at him eerily.

“I suppose, Techno owes Tommy and Tubbo money now.” His head jolted up, his feet moving before he could really think. He stumbled to the cold marble, mouth agape. “We missed you.”

A hand gripped the side of the casket, Phil rising from the green cushions like he had just woken from a fucking nap. He even yawned. With practiced ease, the old man swung out of the casket, patting down the green suit that was supposed to be his funeral attire. Fundy heard his breath quicken, brain fuzzy with relief but also fear. He heard the soft padding of footsteps by the mausoleum entrance, and Fundy didn’t need to look over to know who had walked in. Two sets of footsteps. One soft, hazy as though it was only the dream of a noise. One louder, like a man running away from a ghost. Phil moved closer. A hand rested on his head, ruffling his hair gently.

“Your dads really missed you. They wouldn’t stop worrying where you’d run off to.” Fundy didn’t have the chance to say anything before he was being pulled up to his feet, and pushed towards too warm arms. They tightened around him, keeping his struggles down even as he tried to kick at their legs. The world turned yellow, cotton-soft. Fundy placed a hand in front of him, trying to push himself away but Wilbur wouldn’t budge. “You should have known better…”

Phil walked past, “Familia aeternum est.” And he was back inside that gilded cage once again.

==============================================================

Is Dream just spouting bullshit? Who knows.

Either way, this family bad.

Also sorry I don't... I don't know how to speak in Latin.

[binas-idea-vault]

God of Video Games (reader) x God!Sam (inspired by @gh0st1esbl0g god au)

imagine the god au in a more modern setting (but the gods are still worshipped, pre the creation of VR headsets for reasons cause yeah), with new medical equipment, more instruments etc etc. that is the only inspiration for this (kinda god sam x new god reader (not romantic))

The world was forever changing, change was inevitable. However things remained relatively the same, the same pantheon of gods since centuries ago. Suffice to say, there hadn’t been a new god since Wilbur’s time as a mortal.

Until you appeared, a young god clothed in clothing far more modern than all the gods. Circuit boards and wires worn as simple accessories, sunglasses that made Eret’s own look like something from a convenience store adorned your youthful face where an ever present smirk laid.

A new god, specializing in the creation and immersive power of video games. You explained how the sunglasses you wore weren’t just sunglasses, but a tool you hoped soon to create that would allow mortals to truly feel as though they are inside a game, inside a whole new world.

skipping ahead because i suck at introductions and all that

The gods became used to your presence, welcoming you into their tight knit family. You grew closest to Sam, following him around, learning from his wisdom. You joked about being his apprentice and how you and him would be a dream team to motivate the mortal society to move forward and grow.

Many of the gods dismissed your influence, claiming it was just child’s play and could never help the world. But Sam believed in you and the potential of your sphere of influence. And soon video games became VR simulations, to aid in space exploration, to help mortal traverse the land at quicker speeds.

And whilst that certainly was valuable, Sam’s favorite part of your influence was how you brought communities together, how you connected people all over the world because of a shared love for something. And how this something was accessible to people across the globe from each other.

So as you and Sam looked down from above, he was honored to be the god that supported you, the god you chose to connect to.

And when Sam offered to officially adopt you, he was even happier when you said yes. Sharing the love between a parent and their child.

(take notes Phil-)

[leglessjoekeery]

Okay so it's the third of March 2022 and I have decided to live post whatever it's called supernatural because I hate myself.

I am currently on season 2 episode 1 and I'm 26 minutes in so 💀

Anyways

WHY DID HE CUT HIS HAND. JOHN. DOES THE THING REQUIRE HIM TO CUT HIS HAND??? WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE HAND???? WHY

is he gonna burn his blood

I think he just burned his blood

GOD TAHT GUY SCARED ME

Oh shit he's a dude not a dude

'suicidally reckless' perfectly describes all the winchesters tf do you mean

I'm so sorry but I head that "don't cha" and immediately my brain went "DONT CHA WISH YOUR GF WAS HOT LIKE ME" I'm so sorry

I'm Canadian btw 💅

Omg a deal with devil John you sussy baka

I LOVE THEM USING THE OUIJI BOARD SM ITS SO SILLY AND GOOFY

Crying at Sam rn

I really don't like this reaper

She sounds kinda nice tho I think I might just HAHHAHAHA IM NOT INTO PRUDE CHICKS WHY DID I FIND THAT SO FUNNY HA

Can you tell I have adhd yet

Girl I have seen so many spoilers for this show I know he isn't gonna die. At least forever.

WHY WAS THE "that's just facts 🤞💅🤪" SO FUNNY???

Girl you can't stop Dean Winchester stop fooling yourself

John r u sure this isn't a trick

Omg it's that guy who's kids Dean killed

WHAT ABOUT SAMMY WHAT WHO ARE THE OTHER KIDS WHAT

John please have a better plan than this I beg

What do you want sir

Why does she sound sad and should I use they them or she her bc its a reaper like what pronouns do reapers use THE LIGHTS??? WHAT OMG WHAT WHAT THE SHIT BISCUIT OMG SHW HAS YELLOW EYES WHAT THE

HES CHOKING WHT OMG???

Omg he's doing good again

HE DOESNT REMEMBER??????????

Did John just call his child dude. Bro.

John "specific" Winchester

Bro is he a dude again or what

Omg Dean Winchester lore??

ITS OKAY DAD OMG THATS SO CUTE

Crying.

Dean must be thinking "girl stop acting sus af 😒"

BRO IS HE GONNA DIE WHAT

What is he whispering WHAT IS HE WHISPERING

Why are they crying omg what

I thought he was gonna off himself for a hot sec omg

WAIT WHAT HES ACTUALLY DEAD WHTA

That poor coffee 😕

Bro John pls

Ah shit bitch dick NO HE DIED IN THE AM

Okay next episode time woohoo 🤪🤪

Bro I love clowns they're delightful

Except for that one he's sus

Omg where'd he go

That kid looked like lily from modern family for a sec

Why is he outside her window 🤨 very sus

NO DONT OPEN THE DOOR FOR HIM STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER

BRO IS THAT HER ON THE SPIT OR WHATEVER ITS CALLE oh thank god it's just john

Girl stop lying this is why yo daddy dead. Dead as hell. What shoes he got on. What shoes he got on in that mummy looking ass cacoon.

Omg he's re building the car❗❗ let's gooo

Bro you were just in a coma and then ur dad died stop it listen to sam

Ellen as in Ellen Ellen? Like the show host??

I FEEL LIKE A FRIGGIN SOCCER MOM HAHAHAH

Is that man dead

Man(?)

OH GOD PLEASE LET THAT BE A RIFE HAHAHHAH

Ooh she got moves

In love with these badasses

Omg Ellen she's so much better than I thought she was gonna be

Lmao they can't ask him he's deaaaad

No, ma'am he's real dead. He's not doin good.

Yes, who is ash

Omg I love him too

Omg he's a smart bimbo

HE WAS STRUCK BY LIGHNING??? he's so cool.

Gender envy.

How old is this kid

HOW OLD IS SHE

Dean that is literally perfectly describing you

KILLER CLOWN?? WHAT IS THIS 2016???

SAM IS AFRAID OF CLOWNS HAHHAH

bro I almost forgot that Dean is afraid of flying LMAO

Omg is Sam a dude

"ur not like urself" omg where have I heard that before

That child is a MOOD

nvm we're breaching into non-mood territory

So true kids dad 🙏 so true 🙏

Oh shit no what no he's in the house in the dad's bedroom aw hell nah

Those are NOT the clowns ur looking for my duded

Bro can I be a smart bimbo

TRYING TO FIND A NEEDLE IN A STACK OF NEEDLES HA

Dean no what stop hate criming people

He does look just like his daddy.. sus 🤨

2.5 KIDS??? HOW???? IVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT PLS SOMEONE HELP /SRS

I hate those mirrors

Omg is this gonna b like Phil dunphy. Is HE gonna be the clown 😧

Yo is that James Potter?? (Iykyk)

"your blind man hearing is outta control" 💀

Is Dean supposed to be the one giving me gender envy bc he's not. It's Sam. He just has so much GENDER

I WANT HIS GENDER

You are a white man outside of a black family's house PUT THAT GUN AWAY

She looks so happy 😕

THE CLOWN SURVIVED THE GUNSHOT???

John and Ellen??? NO, DEAN. NO.

"I stg the next person I see who asks me if I'm okay, I'm gonna start throwing punches. These are your issues. Quit dumping them on me" 😧

"IM DEALING WITH DADS DEATH, ARE YOU?" BRO

OW I WAS JUST CHEWING ON MY CHEW NECKLACE AND I THINK I BROKE MY JAW 😭

Anyways the supernatural grind never stops 💪💪

They sleep on a bed of dead insects? 😰

I KNEW IT. I SAID HE WAS SUS. I FEEL GODLIKE RN

Oh no he has a gun

THE CLOWN SUIT. THE CLOWN SUIT.

AGAIN, I FEEL GODLIKE.

Bro what just happened I'm so confused

Omg is Mr clown man nakey 👀

THE WAY HE JUST STABBED THAT DUDE??

Does Jo have a crush on Sam or Dean I can't tell

❗SMART BIMBO IS BACK❗

MIT??? HE SMART SMART

Dean pls dust ur car

DEAN HUG UR BROTHER

IF YOU GO BACK TO TO oh shit he broke the windows omg he's breaking his car he's having a mental breakdown no stop what

Dear Winchester brothers,

Hug each other.

Sincerely,

Bread

Anyways I gotta go to bed now 🙄 I'll continue tomorrow during school ig 😒

[the-hidden-writer]

A Phone Call

Whumptober 2020 - Day 29

My other sitcom wildcard! Had a weird dream where Phil was dead once, so this is partly inspired by that.

@whumptober2020

Prompt: Emergency Room Fandom: Modern Family Character(s): Claire Dunphy, Mitchell Pritchett, Jay Pritchett Words: 848 tw: car accident, hospitalisation

Claire was in the kitchen when she got the phone call. Alex had just gotten another commendation for her schoolwork so, as was routine, Alex got to choose the meal. Today was spaghetti bolognese.

The phone rang just as she was chopping the garlic, and she cursed quietly as the knife almost got her finger.

It was an unknown number. Half-expecting it to be some salesman or other, she picked up.

“Hello?”

“Is this Claire Dunphy?”

Claire’s stomach dropped at the serious tone of the voice on the other end. “Yeah. Who is this?” 

“Hi, I’m Alan calling from the hospital. I need to inform you that your husband’s been in an accident and is currently undergoing emergency surgery on his spine, if you’d like to come as soon as possible.”

Alex ran over and picked up the knife that had clattered onto the floor dangerously close to her mom’s feet.

“Mom? Mom are you okay, what’s wrong? Who is it?”

Claire was shaking as the man gave her details, reality suddenly shifting around her until it felt like she was in a dream. Or more like a living nightmare.

It was a good few seconds after the man had hung up that she lowered the phone from her ear and faced her daughter with eyes brimming with tears.

“Y-Your Dad’s in the hospital.” She said, her voice uncharacteristically quiet. Alex immediately began bombarding her with questions, and Hayley and Luke somehow stopped what they were doing and joined her. But none of the words were coming through to Claire. It was all just noise. Meanwhile her husband was in hospital.

She snapped into action-mode.

“We gotta go.” She ordered, ignoring the fact that her hands stank of garlic and grabbing her car keys and rushing to the front door. “Come on, we’ve got to go now!”

In a daze she raced into the car, quickly followed by her three terrified children.

Their three terrified children.

~-.-~

Lucy poked her head around the door while Mitch was in the middle of an important meeting with a client.

“Mr Pritchett?”

Mitchell sighed and squeezed his eyes shut in annoyance. He could not afford to screw up yet another meeting. “What is it? I’m kinda busy here.”

Lucy looked at him apologetically. “Sorry, it’s just that your sister’s on the line. She says it’s an emergency and you’re not answering your phone.”

Biting back a retort that he’d turned his phone off for a reason, Mitch put on a tight-lipped smile and clenched his fist.

His client looked confused. 

“Sorry,” Mitch apologized reluctantly, “I just need to take this. I’ll only be a second.”

He practically stormed to the desk out of the office where the phone was waiting.

“What is it Claire? This had better be important otherwise I’m gonna-”

“Phil’s had an accident.”

Mitch felt his next words disappear off his tongue. Claire didn’t sound angry or worried like she constantly did… instead she sounded emotionless. And he knew what his big sister sounded like when she was holding in her tears. 

“Oh my god! Is he okay?”

“It’s serious. He’s- He’s in surgery and we’re at the hospital and… I really need you. Please tell Dad and hurry.”

“S-Sure, yeah. I’m on my way.”

The meeting could wait. Mitch dropped the phone and briefly explained the situation to Lucy, before texting Cam and darting out of the building.

~-.-~

“Yeah, hello?”

Jay wasn’t a fan of answering the phone. Usually it was one of Gloria’s many friends that he was expected to know, and that usually left him in a very awkward position of talking to someone who was practically a stranger as if he’d known them all his life.

“Dad! Thank god you’re at home.”

It was Mitch. That was odd. “Left my cell in the office, Gloria’s gone to get it now. Hey aren’t you supposed to be at work? Why does it sound like you’re driving?”

“Listen, Phil was in a really bad crash and he’s in the hospital.”

WHAT?!

“...What?”

“I dunno the details but Claire’s freaking out. Just- just come as soon as you can. Me and Cam’ll meet you there. Hurry.”

Slowly, Jay put the phone back. His excitement to watch the football was long forgotten. Though he’d never truly liked Phil, he knew that Claire adored him. And, as much as he hated to admit it, he was a good dad and Claire could have picked worse. Probably.

“Manny!” He called upstairs.

“Yeah?” His stepson’s voice called back.

“It’s time to move.” He said gravely. “Phil’s had an accident and we need to meet the others in the hospital.”

Manny’s already serious tone amplified itself as he appeared at the top of the stairs. “What sort of accident? Is he alright?”

Jay sighed. “We’ll find out when we get there. Call your mom.”

With a nod, Manny pulled out his phone, giving Jay a few precious moments to reflect.

Phil had better be awake when he got there. Because Jay needed to do something he’d been putting off for years.

An apology.

[beardycarrot]

Alright! Now that I’ve finished Aliens Ate My Homework (kids’ books really are just a couple hour read for an adult, huh?), I have in mind some things that I think are important for the movie adaptation to stick to.

The look of the characters should be the easiest thing to nail... their outfits probably won’t match what’s described in the book (movies always feel the need to change that in some capacity), but I don’t really care about that. What I’m more interested in is how they portray the less humanoid characters. Pong, Grakker, and Snout can all be played by actors in costumes, but Tar Gibbons is described as having a lemon-shaped body with four legs, a long neck, and a turtle-like head with bulging bug eyes; that’s gonna be a fully CG character.

The other is Phil, a potted plant. Basically a big stalk covered in leaves and vines, with a flower where a head would be, who moves around with thrusters on his pot. He has a symbiotic relationship with creature called Plink, described as kind of a blue cat-monkey. I really like how this illustration portrays it; even if it looks more like some kind of cartoonie bug, I would be perfectly happy if this is the design the movie goes for. These two are also going to be fully CG, so unless they base it entirely on the description provided for Plink, base its design on an illustration from another artist, or just do their own thing with it, I can’t imagine them finding a way to mess these designs up... but who knows.

BKR, the evil alien, should be interesting. He’s described as having blue skin, pale orange spikes covering his head (I was picturing maybe a dozen four-inch-long spikes, but the spike density could also be interpreted as covering his head like hair), and... otherwise, looking like Shirley Temple? That’s gonna be interesting, but this is also the character I expect them to take the most liberties with. I can’t say why... maybe just from experience with this kind of adaptation.

There are a few major plot points that I think they have to adhere to. First, that the good aliens’ ship is malfunctioning (the illustrations portray the ship as a traditional flying saucer, but I don’t think the design matters much) and they’re stuck shrunken to two inches tall until the end. That’s... basically the only reason for Rod, the protagonist, to be involved. The aliens need to repair their ship, so Rod has to carry them around to investigate BKR.

Secondly, they need to eat his homework. It doesn’t have to be the papier mache volcano and math assignment portrayed in the book, but, I mean, it IS the title of the movie.

Grakker and Snout have an unspecified relationship... Snout is very, VERY clearly based on Spock from Star Trek (in fact, I think the third book in this series is called The Search for Snout, a play on the third Star Trek movie, The Search for Spock), so it might just be a close friendship, but they share a room on the ship while everyone else has their own, so who knows. At one point it’s mentioned that they’re “bonded”. Potentially Gayliens. I don’t remember what their relationship is like in later books.

Next, Rod is incapable of lying. There definitely won’t be a flashback to the traumatizing-to-a-toddler reason for it, but that’s Rod’s defining characteristic: he doesn’t, and can’t, tell lies. Who knows whether that will be included.

Finally, Rod’s dad having been missing for quite a while isn’t a huge part of the story, but it does play an important role. Him lying to Rod’s mom strengthened Rod’s inability to lie (you’re not told what the lie was, but it’s implied that this was the night he left), and towards the end of the story BKR claims to know where he went, and implies that he’s no longer on Earth. I don’t remember if this is a plot point in future books, but Bruce Coville did something pretty similar in My Teacher Flunked The Planet, so it could be. This is the kind of thing that adaptations will just arbitrarily change, though, so who knows.

So! With all that out of the way, it’s time to watch the movie!

...Okay, first thing’s first, the opening credits of the movie are set to shots of a model solar system, so I’m assuming that’s the replacement for the volcano. I’ll allow it. Also, William Shatner is in this movie? What? As who?? The only adult male character in the story is an android of a man in his thirties, and he’s only there for what would amount to two minutes of screen time at the end. Rod’s grandfather is mentioned, but only once, in the context of “this is my grandfather’s farmland”.

Alright, definitely a modern setting. I guess the model isn’t for a science fair, instead being something Rod’s filming on his smartphone with his mom, twin siblings, and... his dad. Now, this looked like is was going to be an adaptation fail, but it turns out this was a flashback to the night he went missing. Clever!

Less clever is this abysmal color grading meant to represent a dark and stormy night, and the fact that they live in a cul-de-sac instead of being out in the middle of some farmland... but that’s not that significant of a change.

For some reason the story now takes place in the winter instead of mid-May, making me wonder where BKR (in the guise of Billy Becker) is getting the bugs to smash against Rod’s head. More importantly, as revealed at the end of the book, most intelligent life in the universe is about three feet tall, which is why BKR is pretending to be a kid while hiding on Earth. Instead of being a foot shorter than Rod, however, he’s now taller. Weird. Rod also now has his cousin Elspeth staying with his family for winter break, for... literally no reason that I can think of. Elspeth is a character from the second book in the series, but she wasn’t even mentioned in the first.

Grakker isn’t quite book-accurate, but not entirely inaccurate either... except for the color of his skin. He’s supposed to be green. What the hell. They whitewashed an alien. On the upside, the dialog in this scene is all pretty book-accurate. Unfortunately, they lose a lot of points with Madame Pong, who is supposed to be a very calm, understanding, zen character... but comes across as a little condescending. Also, this:

What? What?? Why did they keep this book dialog, when the house is VERY CLEARLY part of some kind of housing development area? I legitimately have no idea what they were thinking.

I also have no idea what’s going on here. Elspeth is... I guess looking through family photos on a computer? Ignore the subtitles, that’s from a weather report on tv. What I’m curious about is what exactly is going on in the photo. That’s clearly Rod’s dad, from three years ago... but recent pictures of the twins? Did Rod’s mom, who apparently runs a pet photography business, Photoshop a family ski trip that never happened? Is that what’s being implied here??

We’re then introduced to the rest of the aliens, and... wow, I can’t describe my disappointment. Remember how I said Tar Gibbons and Phil would be fully CG characters? Yeah, that, uhh... that didn’t happen. I was hoping they would do as much of this movie with practical effects as possible, but I meant that in the “get good SFX people” way, not the “do everything as cheaply as possible” way. They’re literally both just guys in suits.

Yeah sure eye stalks and a thick neck are absolutely the same thing as bulging eyes and a long neck. More importantly, look at that clearly human body with extra legs just kinda hanging off the hips. Phil is just as bad. You can’t really tell from still frames, but yeah, he has two vines with leaves coming off of his human-body-proportioned stalk at shoulder level and moves like a guy in a suit... and for some reason, his flower is split into halves so that it can be puppeteered to move like a mouth. Despite the fact that in the book his flower doesn’t even play a part in communication. They could’ve easily just installed a light inside the flower and explained that he communicates through pod burps, and would’ve been perfectly book-accurate. Why make this specific change. Also, if you’ve read this far, you’re probably wondering where Snout is. Yeah, uh. Me too.

Anyway, they appear to have combined the characters of BKR and Arnie into one person to simplify things (but then why introduce Elspeth??), and for no readily apparent reason, changed BKR, which is pronounced how you would expect, into B’KR, pronounced... b’car. For no reason.

Good GOD is this movie cheap. I appreciate the set they created for the top of Rod’s desk, with the giant pencil and such, and obviously they’re going to use a green screen for scenes like this... but it looks SO bad in motion. Like, see how the shot ends at his knees? That’s because he’s very obviously running in place, in front of a green screen. Also, why are sixth graders learning about the Drake Equation, which concerns the statistics relevant to intelligent alien life in the universe, in math class? I guess it’s technically a math topic, but not the kind of thing you’d learn in pre-algebra...and for comparison, Rod’s math homework consisted of single-digit multiplication tables, the kind of thing you do in like, second grade.

I’m also not fond of the degree to which Grakker is a comic relief character. Like... throughout the book, he’s completely strict and serious, and most of the comedy comes from Phil, Gibbons, and Rod. The first time you see genuine emotion from him is when Rod accidentally injures Snout, causing Grakker to hold him tenderly and shed a tear (again, potential Gayliens).

This is supposed to be the inside of a thick black canvas backpack. Am I crazy? Did I not see the Universal Studios logo at the start of this movie? Why does it look like the cheapest of cheap made-for-tv movies? Anyway. They appear to have given Snout’s ability to slow time to Madame Pong, which is worrying. Did they just... remove Snout, one of most important characters in the entire book series? To what end? To fit in all the stupid pointless Elspeth stuff? If they were hoping to make sequels to this movie, well... bad news, because again, the third book in the series is called The Search for Snout. Okay, I gotta know, is he actually cut from the movie or just a surprise reveal for later?

Alright, I am now officially dragging this movie. Also, I guess we now know where William Shatner fits in... I hadn’t even noticed it was him. Also Also, is that furry pink lump with one eye supposed to be Plink? Why all the arbitrary changes? Did they just decide that since they couldn’t fit a person inside of it, they would give it no limbs at all? Why is it pink??

Eyyy. Roll credits! Yeah, I wish... I’m only halfway through this thing.

They made Rod’s best friend Mickey Asian, which is fine, he’s a very minor character and never really described in the book... but unfortunately, they also decided to make him Data from The Goonies. He’s an inventor. Because he’s Asian. Coooool character, movie. So far it’s lead to an unfunny Coke and Mentos gag and an unfunny Pop Rocks and soda gag (which resulted in projectile vomiting). They cut Snout out of the movie to make room for this stuff, mind you. I’m sure this is building up to some kind of payoff, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to enjoy it.

Speaking of payoffs, there seems to be an implication that there’s some kind of paranormal activity at Seldom Seen, the hidden field on Rod’s grandfather’s property, and at Rod’s school. I can understand the field, in this version Rod’s dad definitely seems to be involved with aliens in some capacity, and that’s probably where he was keeping a ship or something... but the school is kinda inexplicable. Like, it’s covered in snow... and it’s the only place in town that’s seeing snow. I can only assume it’s BKR’s... sorry, B’KR’s doing, but I’m not sure why. Did they decide that being blue means he’s from a cold planet, and requires it to be cold wherever he is?

No idea what’s up with some of these changes. Instead of BKR’s house being like an unlived-in model home, it’s... a complete sty. The exact opposite of the book. Why. Also, that coffee table is completely covered in video game consoles... GameCube, Dreamcast, PS2, N64... but Rod says he’s got “all the latest video games”. Does he? Does he really? Was that line in the script, so the crew just bought whatever they could find? As for BKR himself...

I mean, I don’t see Shirley Temple, but it’s not bad! Rod wasn’t trapped inside a pocket dimension inside a CRT tv when he took his mask off, but they wouldn’t have been able to manage that scene with this budget anyway. So far, this is the only alien design I fully endorse. There WAS a point to him having a cherubic face in the book, but it’s never addressed, only implied, and I get why they would make him look more menacing.

In the book, BKR didn’t really have any goals. He just enjoyed being cruel for the sake of being cruel, and was hiding out on Earth because it was unlikely they’d find him there. In the movie, B’KR intends to destroy Earth by opening a wormhole (which is what’s causing the snow), and the good guys have about an hour to save the planet.

They kept another of Snout’s abilities, the Vulcan Mind Mel-- er, knowledge transferal, but gave it to Tar Gibbons. This is literally the only thing he’s done in the entire movie. For the record, this was originally the scene where Snout connects their minds, but Rod is startled by it and pulls back, causing Snout severe psychic harm and prompting the aforementioned emotional response from Grakker.

...They just had to get William Shatner to say Klingon, didn’t they. The climax of the movie is all him flying around spouting (sprouting?) plant puns, then Rod throws a banana cream pie (which was, apparently, part of someone’s science project) at BKR’s face... and finishes him off with foam shot from his papier mache volcano. I guess the shrunken spaceship expanding inside of a house, causing the roof to collapse and knock BKR unconscious, was too expensive violent for the movie... but why is getting him messy a solution to anything? Ah well.

Bruce Coville himself has a cameo as the judge for the science fair, which is nice. I think he might be the principal of the school... I didn’t really notice in the scene featuring the principal earlier, since that happened to be the projectile vomiting scene. I can only imagine he was honored to have his work recognized in this capacity... he’s a good dude, I’m sure he wouldn’t be as horrified as I am with the writing and quality of it.

Also the movie ends with the reveal of the actual size of the aliens... which is, uhh. About the size of adult humans. Hrm. Guess they just straight up decided not to get anything right, huh? Oh, and they reveal that Rod’s father actually is a member of the Galactic Patrol. So, that’s a thing.

Please don’t say that. God, was this movie bad. I would understand if they were passionate about bringing the story to more people and just didn’t have much of a budget, or if they made changes to better suit a visual medium, but that... is not what they did. I’m not the kind of person that demands an adaptation remains 100% faithful; if you want the experience of the book, you can just read the book. This, however, changes so many things. Like, in the book, BKR’s crime is cruelty. That’s the message of the book... that in truly civilized societies, kindness is the norm, and needless cruelty is a criminal act.

The characters in the book all either have depth to them or are interesting as sci-fi concepts, but the movie... Gakker is Mr. Slapstick, Madame Pong is Cool Collected Female, Tar Gibbons is... I dunno, wisdom obscured by things that just don’t translate into English and saying Warrior Science a lot (honestly the closest to his book counterpart, though HE was more interesting and actually did stuff), and Phil... yeah, just William Shatner saying plant puns. Bleagh.

Well, despite that end screen, it’s good to know that we won’t be getting any sequels. I mean, like I’ve already mentioned, Snout going missing is a major plot point in the second book, and the third is literally called The Search For Snout. What are they going to do, just skip to the fourth book?

...Oh hey, George Takei.