#he doesn’t need any external validation for it

[honey-olive]

Chapter 142

a rant~

This chapter gave us a gut wrenching set-up

We get Myrtle and Sixtus having a small moment together which talks bunches about their relationship. They really love each other. Myrtle is able to be vulnerable with him. And Sixtus listens and wants what’s best for his big bro. Sixtus tries to cheer him up, and when Myrtle has doubts, he makes sure to bring back hope.

Look at how hopeful Myrtle’s face looks!

And everything to be just taken away from him the moment he sees his own father gift what he needed most to another. Give what he needed to their actual child. Like the last nail in the coffin sealing his fate. Showing him his not as important. That he was never meant to belong.

(Also, side note, I agree with what @winterlogysblog shared in this post. I think King had either already tried using the drug of Yore on Myrtle, or he knows it won’t work. Myrtle does not have an illness, it is because he is reacting to the air in the fairy realm that he gets all these symptoms. Taking it won’t change his situation.)

Also Tioreh being so scared that if Nasiens is her biological brother that will somehow replace Myrtle. It is so sad. Specially considering Tioreh is very young. What has she seen? Fairy child is brought back, human child is taken out. If they take in Nasiens, then it seems logical for her parents to throw Myrtle away. (Sweet girl got me crying with her too)

And finally concerning King and Diane as parents… I’d just say it’s complex. They should have probably discussed many things with Myrtle before, but at the same time,I try to understand them. People were already whispering about the relatedness between them and Myrtle. Myrtle already felt so alienated. They probably didn’t want to exacerbate any of those feelings. But they will be facing the consequences, all at once. I feel we’re in for a whole lot of family drama.

[mapoeggplant]

skip to loafer chapter 64 analysis // spoiler

the desire to be loved that distances her more and more from people: we are finally starting to understand a little more about yasaka's past.

unlike what I thought, the first spark that gave shape to the kyoto arc didn't come from shima or the girl groups, but from one of the most enigmatic characters in skip to loafer: yasaka.

we always knew very little about her and how her story unfolded. all we had was the understanding that she was a very lonely person with a complicated family situation and someone who sought people's love. and now, together with mitsumi, we are starting to understand more about where she was going with when she said that mitsumi had always been too loved to not care about what others thought.

yasaka clearly has a great desire to be loved, but she doesn't know exactly how to make people create stronger bonds with her. she believes that by being a person who is liked and desired by everyone and making these people feel good, she will get everything she wants — and this illusion may have been the result of a troubled relationship with her father, something that I believe is possible due to the small flashback she provides us.

she wants to be loved, she wants people to look at her with affection and not disapproval. being loved, pampered, praised is the way she understands love, something probably the result of a strict upbringing, where demanding anything more would result in a disappointed look. to escape this, yasaka always acts like a good girl, who gives double meaning answers and only says what others want to hear. the superficiality of the love she receives is enough to soften her ego and feed her well-being and the superficiality of the love she gives is enough to protect her from getting hurt.

but of course all of this is just a time bomb that is very close to exploding. yasaka puts on this persona of someone who does not want to be completely understood, but is unable to separate her frustration from the desire to form more meaningful relationships. she is not only shielding herself from people forming more mature relationships with her, but also doing her best to maintain superficiality so that her mask doesn't fall. another thing that solidifies this for me is the central page of yasaka surrounded by “affection” and gifts, showing exactly the loss of her childhood and the desire she still carries within her.

and what I like most about all of this is how mitsumi, someone completely opposite to her and who barely knows her, tries at all costs to cross this barrier that yasaka places between her and the world. by not allowing her to leave and insisting that she stay with the group, mitsumi is basically confirming to yasaka that it's okay for her to have her flaws and receive disapproving looks: her presence is still required and she is still a person who complements the group as a whole.

I really like how sensei is always willing to put two completely opposite characters so that they can externalize their flaws and fight against their barriers — and the relationship between mitsumi and yasaka is exactly another great example of this. on one side we have mitsumi, who grew up surrounded by love and affection, that’s why she’s so sure of herself and doesn’t need to seek validation on others. on the other, we have yasaka who craves affection so much to the point that she will drown herself in any small glass of it.

another thing i want to point out about this chapter is how being in love can blind you for flaws of the one you admire so much. when ujiie realized that yasaka isn’t the perfect girl he always saw, the first instinct he had was to deny it: of course his goddess wouldn’t have a flaw!! she’s 100% that girl he idolizes and loves so much. but what if this was all something he made up inside his mind?? how will ujiie deal with this heartbreaking of a confession?

another month blessed with another gorgeous chapter. sensei keeps surprising me more and more and can’t wait to see what she’s keeping as a secret from us. thank you so much for reading 💛!!

[risestarkiss]

Being Purple ○ Part Two

Rise Ramblings #315

Previous | Being Purple ○ Part One This post is a continuation, so I recommend reading Part One before reading this Part Two. ••••

We’ve talked about what Donatello was and his role in the family.

But, we never examined why. Why is Donnie so gung ho on physically providing for his family?

Well, to understand why he feels that way, we need to go back to the beginning. After Splinter and the turtles were mutated, Yoshi was obviously unable to access any of the funds or resources he held as Lou Jitsu due to, you know, him now being a giant rat. He had to start life a new from the bottom of society.

We don’t know what happened during their time on the streets, but we can make some inferences as to what happened next. Splinter eventually moved the boys down into the sewers and was able find a comfortable space for himself and his little family.

Here is where I’m going to try my best to piece together the order of events regarding Donatello’s earliest contributions. I’ll be using two episodes: the season one finale, “End Game,” and the Nick web exclusive mini-episode, “Turtle Tots.”

In Turtle Tots, the family has gathered in Splinter’s room. We can also see the den through Splinter’s doorway. This home is, indeed, the home that we are familiar with in the show. Thus, we now know that at this age the boys were already living in the sewers. We also know that the den has already been outfitted with a tv, electricity, and probably some kind of cable hookup.

Is it possible that Splints did this electrical work all on his own? “End Game” gives us a clue that can lead us to an answer.

Here he is, the boy of the hour. In this picture, given the perspective, young Donnie is much shorter than Splinter. Their heights here are actually comparable to their height difference in the “Turtle Tots” clip. Therefore, I believe it’s fair to conclude that Donatello is about the same height in both instances, and likewise, relatively the same age.  

Given that new piece of information, now we can speculate further.

When you look at the room that crying Dondon is in, he’s surrounded by wires, batteries, boxes, and what appears to be little bits of tech that he was working on, hence the booboo. There’s a small rotary plane of some sort, a tiny workbench, and other bits and pieces. So, we can deduce that Donnie is familiar with electrical work and is building things for himself, even at this young age.

Donatello is already cooking.

With that evidence, I believe it’s reasonable to surmise that Donatello had a hand in hooking the den up with a refurbished TV and in wiring the house with electricity, which is such a big job for such a little guy.  

If it had stopped there, I wouldn’t bring it up, but as we can plainly see…

It never stopped. His labors are endless. Everything from the turtles’ transportation, their living space, and their comforts at home was created, built, enhanced, and refurbished by Donatello. Consequently, he internalized the idea that his usefulness equated to the safety and security of his family. And that’s just how he lived his life.

He doesn’t know any different, and I’m sure at this point he wouldn’t want any different. This is his role. This is his place. Besides, his beneficence makes his brothers happy, and his father happy, and by extension it makes him happy.

Hence, his “gift giving” love language.

If Donnie is happy, then where’s the problem?

I’m sorry, but external validation as a primary source of happiness, or even worse, as a source of self-esteem, is dangerous…

But I digress…

From the outside looking in, it’s easy to assume that his genius is best utilized as a tool for the team’s benefit. But as a child, the weight of ensuring their entire family’s physical infrastructure is a large burden to bear…and it is almost the exact definition of Instrumental Parentification.

Parentification is a process in which a role reversal occurs where the child or adolescent is obligated to act as a parent would to their siblings or to their actual parent. Instrumental Parentification involves a child assuming the responsibilities of maintaining a household through physical means. In this case, Donatello literally maintains the household.

I’ve said all of that to say this.

Donatello has been subjected to Instrumental Parentification for almost his entire life. He doesn’t know life without providing for his family, but he’s happiest when his family is comfortable and safe.

So when we ask, why does Donatello make these sacrifices for his family, the answer is obvious. Love. And that answer reigns true in the past, present, and future…

Anyways, Donatello is such a complex and intriguing character, I could go on about him forever. But I think this as good a place as any to put a pin in my deep dive on this fiery little grape, because our next dive’s focus is on the true pinnacle of the Hamato clan…

○○○○

Previous | Being Big Red • Being Baby Blue • Being Purple ○ Part One

Next | Orange, Baby!

Finale | Being Hamato Yoshi

[pineapplerightsideupcake]

So.. I'm confused about something. If your beliefs in radical feminism say that trans people aren't valid in their feelings of being trans, what's stopping you from making bisexual people not part of the LGB? B stands for bisexual. What if their sexuality is just a phase? What if they are *actually* just heterosexual? For that matter what's stopping you from excluding YOURSELF from the community? At some point, you can't exclude any more people from a space that wasn't supposed to be gatekept to begin with! -Vero of CFC

You people always use that word “valid”. It’s absolutely meaningless post modern nonsense. Trans people feel that despite having a male or female body, their feelings about it change reality. I’m not telling trans people how they feel. Because you’re right, I can’t know that. What I’m telling them is that their feelings don’t change their bio sex. I’m telling them their feelings don’t supersede the rights and dignity of women. That’s not at all the same thing as being same sex attracted.

If I tell you that I am attracted to both men and women you can believe me or not. It doesn’t change my sexuality. You can’t know how I personally experience sexual attraction. But if I tell you I’m an Olympic Figure Skater, that’s something external and material. That’s something that either is or isn’t. And it doesn’t matter how true I want it to be.

This isn’t about people being invalid or valid. It isn’t about telling others I know better than them how they feel. It’s me telling them that their feelings don’t change material reality.

And we don’t get to sidestep reality because language is limited and imprecise. We create words to express ideas and categorize things so we don’t have to start every conversation from the ground up. Think of the quote “a rose by any other name”. The word ‘rose’ is made up but the flower it refers to exists in the material world. And you and everyone on earth could declare a rose a tulip but as long as people needed to specify they’d find a way to invent the word rose again. It’s why every 3 years your movement declares old terms verboten. MtF and FtM got used until people got mad it didn’t erase the reality of bio sex and people just used those terms in place of “male and female”. Then the same thing happened with AFAB and AMAB. Now we’re onto TME and no one knows what anyone is talking about because at the end of the day, people are male or female and no amount of “validation” or the right words erases that reality.

I am bisexual because I am attracted to both men and women. Lesbians are women exclusively attracted to women. Gay men are men exclusively attracted to men. Straight people are exclusively attracted to the opposite sex. The LGB community formed because the thing we had in common- same sex attraction- is punished in most societies. It absolutely was designed to gatekeep. It was a civil rights movement- not a secret club house. The LGB have no more moral responsibility to admit opposite sex attracted people than black activists have to include white or Asian people.

“Queer” has nothing to do with it. Demi flux genderoo aroallo fox kin have nothing to do with it. A group of men that believe their internal state of mind makes them literally a woman has nothing to do with it. You people overran a movement for same sex attracted people, convinced everyone to call our community a slur, and demand that we center heterosexual teens too immature for a relationship thinking that makes them the same as a Gay man.

I’m tired of arguing with 19 year olds that read too much mlm fanfiction that having short hair and wearing hoodies from the boys section doesn’t mean they’re gay men. I’m tired of arguing with those same girls that the 45 year old man with pigtails and a pink pinafore sucking his thumb and holding a dolly on social media isn’t a brave woman defying The Man. He’s just a pervert.

[sepublic]

We give Belos way too much credit for feeling bad about his dead brother and Grimwalkers because like. He’s a racist white guy who’s murdered a culture and damaged its land across centuries but only feels guilt for his white brother and clones. He doesn’t hallucinate any witch or demon in FtF. He never got close to any of them sure, but that’s because of his racism which just further proves the point.

What this means is that for all his ‘guilt’, Belos doesn’t think his actual motives and goals as a witch hunter are wrong, just that human (adjacent) white guys shouldn’t be hurt in the process, but if they need to be they will. There’s the external setup for Belos to maybe change because of that remorse, but the internal setup that he won’t because he doesn’t even consider what the actual crux of the issue was, that being who he killed Caleb for fraternizing with, who Caleb died to protect, who has been brutalized far more than the Grimwalkers ever have been.

I’d even argue that Philip wouldn’t have minded if Caleb moved to another Puritan colony to settle with a Christian white woman; It was not so much Caleb leaving him, so much as who Caleb left him for. People like to reduce Belos to codependency with Caleb, as if his witch hunting fantasies weren’t established before Evelyn’s arrival; Philip let those inform his takeaway that he could not follow where Caleb was going, ergo Caleb betrayed him, because even Belos’ baggage with Caleb is rooted in racism. Mind you, Belos is still killing the Grimwalkers because he doesn’t really regret it, he’ll keep doing it because abusers are paradoxical like that. The ghosts just reinforce what’s wrong with him, instead of suggesting otherwise.

I think those fics and fanart of Belos being ganged up on in the afterlife by the Grimwalkers are missing the point, to Belos it would validate his racism by saying the only people whose suffering mattered, who deserve revenge, are the white guys he wasn’t explicitly targeting. I think a good take on the Belos suffering in the afterlife trope would have him be attacked by all the witches and demons and palismen he brutalized, without a single Grimwalker nor Caleb in sight.

As you can imagine, this is another reason why Eda and co. killing Belos works; Because once again he’s focused on Luz, whose framing parallels Caleb’s ghost from FtF, and talking about how only humans matter and Belos deserves to be spared for being human. Only for the witches and demons who were the actual emotional core of the issue that Caleb died for (one of whom is the descendant of the child he saved, not that Caleb factors to her motives because it’s not about Caleb) to step in and reiterate, Nah their suffering and anger is just as important.

People set up Belos’ fratricide and murdered nephews as the worst thing he’s ever done because they also think the white boys’ suffering is more important but tbh? It pales in comparison to the irreversible damage he committed to the Boiling Isles’ environment, its culture and history, its thousands of people as a whole, etc. The Titan is dead and its arm displaced because of him, so many resources and species have been depleted. To quote Castlevania and what a black revenge-seeking anti hero was told before encountering real evil in the form of a white man who enslaves en masse, “There are worse things than betrayal.”

[nqueso-emergency]

You’re constantly calling out “bestie boos” for being irrational, so let’s see if you can take what you dish out. Why does a 30-something, able bodied white man need to be coddled and wrapped in a blanket every time he has an unpleasant thought? And why is it the responsibility of others, be it Eddie, Bobby, or Maddie (who, btw, have all comforted him LOADS of times since the beginning; these said characters receive it…almost never). I think the fact that his teammates aren’t indulging his every negative emotion is a good thing. Buck, god love him but not surprisingly, is making something that has nothing to do with him about himself and is again seeking external validation. His friends aren’t evil incarnate for not dropping everything to hold his hand.

Plus, I could counter that I sure didn’t see Buck comforting Eddie in that last episode! Instead he threw his best friend into a dangerous situation within 24 hrs after a rough conversation with his son and mother. But I’m not saying that because I have media literacy, I don’t baby any of these grown adults, and know what a healthy best friend dynamic looks like. It’s not about keeping score, it’s about knowing each other. Buck needs to learn how not to spiral and scowl because he doesn’t have a boss for the time being who considers him his own child—that doesn’t happen in the real world.

I’m blocking you now, because up until recently I thought you were entertaining and funny; you also said you genuinely like Eddie, but I’m not seeing it and you seem very hostile toward a generally good long-standing POC character for the sake of a baby ship and woobifying the one of the shows few white dudes. I know you probably couldn’t care less about my feedback and are just going to say something snarky, but if it makes you self-reflect even a little bit, I figured why not. Best to you

Why do people think they have to tell me they're unfollowing me or blocking me? Idc.

Since you allegedly blocked me, I'm not going to answer because what would be the purpose??

[bitter-bats-cult-of-the-moon]

Demon or Deity? Deciphering Spirits

How to Confirm That You’re Talking to a God or Goddess

You can thank St. Augustine of Hippo for this. In the early 5th century, he wrote a theological essay against Paganism titled, “On the Divination of Demons.”

St. Augustine’s mother was Christian, and his father was Pagan. He understood both sides. He wrote many philosophical arguments for Christianity, his largest being The City of God.

In "On the Divination of Demons," Augustine fought back against an Oracle predicting the invasion of Serapis's temple. He argued that demons spoke to this Oracle. He argued that All Pagan Gods are Demons in disguise. He ridiculed fortune tellers and future predictions comparing them to the circus.

Do the arguments hold some sort of validity?

While Spirits can impersonate Deities this guy can now be pushed away from the conversation.

I’ll ask that question again.

Can Spirits Impersonate Deities?

The short answer is Yes.

The long answer depends on your experience level and knowledge.

If you are not used to the deity’s signs and how they communicate or you do not know which red flags to look out for, you are prone to deceit.

Red Flags

Messages drastically change.

For example, recently you received a sign from the Goddess Hekate. She wants to work with you.

The next week, another message tells you that She does not like you. Deities rarely change their mind without good reason. Double-check the divination.

People do everything for you.  

Deities do not need to go through others to speak to you. Even if you cannot hear Them directly, deities can contact you in different ways. If someone else does a reading that sounds completely different, question it. Especially if it’s random and not requested. Do not use other people to translate things for you all the time. Spiritual journeys are personal. They are meant for you, and a lot of people get hurt this way. Other individuals love taking advantage of people using them for their own motives. Just be careful out there.

Overly negative or apocalyptic.

I've heard an unfortunate amount of people claim that the world was going to end after contacting their spirits. Why would they let go of any worshippers telling them that? Why would they give someone a sense that they are the chosen one? Question that. No one is special. We are all here for the human experience. Try dealing with that first even if you don’t want to.

The entity is trying to force you into things.

You do not need to answer spirits. A deity could ask you to worship Them. You can also say no. With years of experience, I have never heard of a deity punishing someone for not working with Them. If a message sounds like a threat, then question everything, and it’s probably best to ignore it.

How to Guarantee That You’re Speaking to a Deity

Ask the same question several times.

Use your preferred divination technique writing down all the answers to your questions. After one day has passed, repeat the same method rephrasing the questions asking the spirit again. Sometimes there are inconsistencies. Question what feels right and what does not.

Thoughts belong to whom?

Are the thoughts yours or are the thoughts external from you? Sometimes strong emotions are mistaken for spiritual signs. It’s easy to get caught up in your own head and let it take over hijacking the metaphysical exercise. Always question this. Did you anticipate a specific answer? This can also lead to derailment. It doesn’t hurt to ask again to gain confirmation. Before contacting your deity, stabilize your emotional state.

Gathering valuable resources.

Contrary to what I just said you can seek outside opinions for valuable resources. Become familiar with the deity’s information beforehand and ask about other peoples’ experiences. Just don’t let people take over the work or tell you how to think. Try to do the work yourself. Research is key.

Different techniques for you.

Try a different form of divination to see if the answers are around the same or greatly vary. This won’t hurt and it will help you learn more. Trust your instincts in spirit work. It’s okay to question things.

Protection orders.

If there is constant anxiety and worry, then do yourself the favor and put-up protection wards before spiritual communications begin. It will give you some peace of mind and it doesn’t hurt anything at all.

[blues-valentine]

A random analysis but I have to give it to NHIE for always keeping the dreams vs reality themes of the show and how Devi never viewed Ben as a romanticized ideal.

All of Devi’s “love interests” were introduced to her by a “slow motion” entrance. Paxton, Des and Ethan. To symbolize a very superficial, rather romanticized view. Ben’s introduction on the pilot by contrast is framed by him looking back at her with the announcement “and this is Devi’s nemesis”, painting him as an equal and also as someone that integral to Devi’s life.

And I kinda like that during their moment at the finale, there's a slow motion happening but it's not for Ben or Devi, its for their moment.

On 201, right off the bat, McEnroe’s narration feels like it’s tainted in sarcasm. “Devi lay in her bed pondering these two grand romantic gestures. Ben had broken the law, stolen his Dad's car, and risked his life to help her say goodbye to her dad, but Paxton had left her a voicemail.” because for Devi, just the idea that the popular hot guy left her a voicemail is epic. Season 2 has a theme of Devi romanticizing a lot of Paxton’s minimal actions, including the status of their relationship because then later Devi found out that she romanticized all of their interactions to the point she didn't even notice he didn't call her his girlfriend once.

210 is called “…been a perfect girl” and I think we know by now that Devi’s idea of “perfection” was about external views. In this finale, she ends up with Paxton in what feels like a perfect picture (that later was referenced as a dream that she outgrew with Dr. Ryan) and the catch is that the first thing Devi says is “So, I guess I am Paxton’s Hall Yoshida’s girlfriend now”. Not just Paxton, but his full name, because it’s his full name the one that brings out the status of his entire persona, just like when she wrote his full name on her grief journal on the pilot.

Yes, Devi referring to Paxton majority of Season 1 and Season 2 by his full name matters a lot.

And funny enough, Paxton and Devi never get to actually dance a romantic song during winter prom. And it gets brough up by Devi yelling "are you serious? now you play a fast song?" so “their song” ends up being Ben’s song. Say Something by Kylie Minogue was playing during their dance and narrating Ben’s internal struggles about Devi. Not highlighting anything significant about Devi and Paxton's new status.

(and after "She wanted to chose you. It's not always been him" scene I don't know how there was any doubt it was always going to be Ben.)

With Devi and Paxton’s “couple entrance” on 301 the narration says “this is what fairy tales are made of” with Dreams of You playing.

A lot of the problem with Devi's relationship with Paxton was not only her insecurities but the fact she never was able to see him for him. Not in the ways she always saw Ben. And for someone that still wanted validation from the crowd it was hard to let go of that idea, which is why she needed to date Paxton first.

Catch this, for 304, the song playing when Des and Devi are in the car says "looking for the next thing, looking for that next dream."

On 310, Devi doesn’t have stomach knots with Paxton because she finally got over that idea. She dated him, she knew was it feels like. There won’t be “what if…” in her future. She learned to value herself, she gathered experiences and so those rose colored ideas of him went away.

209/409 being parallels of each other was great too because for 209 we have Paxton smoothly climbing Devi’s window to make out. It is supposed to be sexy and forbidden. Similar to Devi's dream on 102. In contrast, 409 does the same thing with Ben and even jokes about it. Ben’s entrance is way less smooth, he is panting and even asks Devi if Paxton used to do that all the time because it's treacherous. Devi responds very nonchalantly with “it always seemed pretty easy for him”. And there's a reason that interaction was written. It’s almost as if to show her illusion of Paxton has completely washed off. She not longer views it as a grand thing he did and instead we have Ben being a very real person. And I love how instead of making out under some blurred lines, it’s just Ben going to her so he can comfort her and they ended up having a very real conversation that ends with them falling sleep.

The show illustrates these themes with the soundtrack as well. Devi and Paxton’s songs usually have a very sexy vibe and cover themes around dreams, illusions and failing relationships. Example: Playing Games, Heat Waves, Dreams Of You, Love Goes, Fire For You. While Ben and Devi's songs are usually about a love that won't go away and the one you have been waiting for. Example: Boys Like You, Take Off, Eres Tu, Running, My Rose, Fade Into You. @rainparadefromhell has a post talking about the meaning of the soundtrack in lenght (here).

Season 3 does a great job illustrating by the end that Devi has finally come to terms with Paxton as a dream she held onto as a distraction from her grief. Season 3 finale had Dr. Ryan tell Devi: “When you lock yourself into a dream of what your life should be, you limit yourself.” And process to tell Devi she’s been locked up into a very particular dream since the show started: dating the hottest and most popular guy at school (Paxton), wanting to be miss popular and go to Princeton and that she probably has outgrown some of those dreams. It goes to tell Devi (and the audience) she’s not the same girl from freshman/sophomore year.

Devi accepts her words because she knows it’s true. That dream was only the means for Devi to feel the acceptance and normalcy she craved after a traumatic event. And once she is able to recognize that for herself and to Paxton, it all suddenly makes sense. Ben is the one she has always wanted. Ben with his flaws and sense of groundedness. She wanted him ever since Malibu and that's never going to change. So, later the narration goes “…her dream had evolved…but there was maybe a part of the old dream that still interested her, and per Dr. Ryan, she was about to surprise herself.” And she goes to Ben. He represents both her old and new dreams because he is a constant.

At the end of the day, when it comes to Devi making choices closer to her own wants and needs, she always goes to Ben. Once Devi understood what those old dreams meant for herself. It was game over. By chosing to sleep with Ben, she made her choice. On Season 4, Paxton was not a choice. She wasn't confused about her feelings. Ethan was not a choice either. It was always Ben. There was no one for Devi but Ben. And no one for Ben but Devi. The triangle ended the moment Devi came off from those rose colored lenses on Season 3 and when she is able to form a friendship with Paxton and finally see him as an equal. She doesn’t want him back because she’s never been in love with him. She's in love with Ben.

[sheenashifts1217]

Pick A Pile #3

9/19/24

Message From Your DR Self

Take a breath and pick the image you’re drawn to first. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t. This is a collective reading so some may resonate with this more than others. For a personal reading, check my pined post <3

Pile 1: Beach heart, Pile 2: Lightning Heart, Pile 3: Cloud Heart

Pile 1

Lyrics standing out:

“They say that we’re no good together and it’s never gonna work out

Everything you do is magic

Let em take pictures

Spread it all across the world now

I don’t know what to believe

Everything you do is magic”

Hi beautiful angels of Pile 1. Your DR self wants you to trust yourself more. You are your DR self. Your DR self is your CR self. Are you stressed about shifting? Don’t be because you’ve already shifted. Your DR self is telling you to take shifting and your DR off of such a high pedestal. There is nothing holding you back from your desires except for yourself. Get out of your own way. This I your sign to embrace all that you are and to on your power. You don’t need some outside cosmic force to make you shift. YOU ARE A COSMIC FORCE. Allow your reality to flow, it doesn’t have to be follow any rules. Magic is normal, normalize it to yourself because “everything you do is magic”. Every choice you make is shifting your reality, it’s that simple.

Your DR may include a lot of magic ad your DR self wants you to know that your s/o loves you like breathing.

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: 444, blue bird, green leaf, dew drop, glass of water, blue, Billie Eillish, older women, dance

Pile 2

Lyrics standing out:

“Haven’t seen my mother in a long, long time

Do you really think I give a damn

I say I live in Rosemead, really, I’m at the Ramada

So many other things you can’t believe

Puts the shower on while he calls me

Your mom called, I told her you’re fucking up big time”

Hi beauties, Pile 2! Your DR self is telling you that you are having the time of your life. You may be a person who shifts pretty frequently, but to different DRs, or you may have a lot of DRs, but struggle to focus on one. Your ability to go with the flow is rewarding you greatly. If you’re shifting for an s/o, your relationship couldn’t be better. Marriage is in the near future for a few of you. Basically, your DR self is saying to sit back and enjoy the ride. Everything is going your way because you’re allowing it. Keep doing whatever you’re doing because it’s working. You’re on a path of healing and your inner child is shining. You are finally learning to give up on the thought of needing external validation and people pleasing. Keep it up because your hard work is paying off!

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: “J”, red, crayon, curve, back road, country, serve, slay, boots, 24, 2, Taylor Swift, Willow, 90’s

Pile 3

Lyrics standing out:

“Now he’s just a shadow

My boy loves his friends like I love my split ends

My boy don’t love me like he promised

He ain’t a man, he sure as hell ain’t honest

Who are you?

He said he’d change

You want me to be yours, then you’ve got to be mine”

Hello lovely Pile 3! Why are you still doing things and allowing things in your life that don’t serve you? I know that was harsh right off the bat, but seriously, why? You know what you need and you know what hurts you. You’ve become comfortable in your cycle instead of actually speaking growth. Your DR self is telling you to stand the fuck up because you could be doing literally anything else, yet you’re self destructing. A lot of you began shifting to heal your inner child, but you began to use it to sulk and self destruct. Your DR self is you RN. You are in your CR because it is where you are desiring to be. Change your mindset to be in your “DR”, because right now, you’re making your CR be you DR by choosing to remain in the loop and keeping the same mentality. You always say you’re gonna change but don’t follow through. Actually do it, you won’t regret it. Your DR self says that things are great in your DR right now and they’re tired of you complaining about not being there when you’re not even actually intending to be there. A lot of things will lighten up once you face your shadow self and actually take that leap of faith.

Signs of confirmation, but not limited to: purple, cream, sparkles, glitter, candy, green, jeans, eagles, pen, fun, 888, 9, 23, trees, flowers

[alittlebitofloveliness]

Shepard Angst Fic

Y'all are getting this here before I edit it and post it on ao3 tomorrow because I am desperate for external validation and because I NEED folks to cry over my self imposed Shepard sibling angst.

**************

“Angel!”

Angela Shepard is no stranger to yelling. The name Shepard carries with it the guarantee of a temper hotter than the late Autumn sun and the vocal cords to make sure the whole street knows it. Ma is only ever happy when she’s hacked off, Curly has never once been quiet for longer than three seconds back to back, and she herself wears fury like socy girls wear their hair ribbons. 

So yes, she’s no stranger to yelling– but she ain’t never heard Curly yell like that. He doesn’t sound mad, he sounds scared– and that is infinitely worse. There isn’t a lot that scares Curly Shepard, or any Shepard really. They’ve all seen too much.

“Goddamnit Angel,” Curly roars again, “get out here and bring the first aid kit!”

That spurs her to action and she snatches the small first aid kit out from under the bathroom sink and hightails it to the living room.

Curly is there, wide eyed, Tim propped up against him. For a second Angela doesn’t realize what the problem is. When she does, her brain refuses to let her believe it.

A dark stain is spreading rapidly across the side of Tim’s shirt, even as Curly half drags half carries him over to the couch and deposits him on it as gently as he can. Despite how careful Curly’s being, a pained grunt still forces its way out from between Tim’s clenched teeth.

“Call Manuel,” Curly orders, naming Tim’s second in command, “get him to bring the truck back now and be ready to drive. And get Sylvia down here too.”

Running to the kitchen, she dials Manuel’s home number and hurriedly explains the situation, cold terror making her harsher than usual. She doesn’t bother trying to get ahold of Sylvia- Sylvie knows everything that happens on the east side, she’s probably already on her way.

“What happened?” She demands as soon as she gets back to the living room. Curly’s hands are slippery with blood and he’s got a wad of rapidly reddening gauze pressed tightly against the wound in Tim’s stomach. Her older brother’s face is twisted in pain, his breathing even more laboured than it was a minute ago, tight gasps forcing themselves out from behind clenched teeth.

She’s seen knife wounds before, of course she has. Connor Tyrril from the Brumly gang had died from an infected knife wound last year, and Tim and even Curly had been sliced before, long gashes that eventually faded into rough scars– but never anything like this. The slashes they’d sustained in the past were meant to hurt, but this wound was very specifically meant to kill. 

She doesn’t know what to do. 

“Who did it?” She demands, hands fluttering uselessly. Curly seems to have a handle on what to do, his wide eyes at odds with his steady hands, counting under his breath as he applies pressure, but Angela doesn’t have a clue how to help and isn’t even sure that she can. “What happened?”

“A few of the boys from Tiber street apparently weren’t too fond of Tim’s latest shipment,” Curly explains, pressing a new piece of gauze over the others, already soaked through with blood. 

“Names Carlos.”

“Dustin Blackwell and Ian Forrester. Tried to fight ‘em off but they had about seven buddies backing ‘em.”

“They’re dead.” Angela vows, horrified to feel the way her eyes are stinging. She means it too. If anything happens to Tim those assholes are dead, juvie and jail and records be damned. The steely look buried under the panic in Curly’s eyes tells her he agrees.

Tim groans, despite how hard Angela can tell he’s trying to hold it back, and Curly stiffens, hands jerking slightly and tearing another horrible sound from Tim’s throat.

“Go see if there’s any more gauze somewhere,” he orders, pressing the last of the stuff over Tim’s wound, the fabric reddening as if by magic, “grab some of my t-shirts if you can’t find any.”

Angela runs to do as she’s bid, wishing she could do something, anything else. For all Curly is usually the last person who should be left in charge of anything, let alone any sort of crisis, right now he seems to be about the only person who knows what to do and Angela can’t help but cling to it like a lifeline. She can’t fix Tim, but she can sure as hell help Curly help him and if all she can do is grab t-shirts, you can best believe she’ll grab the whole stack in her drawer and Curly’s too.

She can’t have been gone more than thirty seconds but Tim is noticeably worse when she returns, sweat beading on his forehead, his skin looking closer to grey than its usual light brown. 

“Hold this for me,” Curly nods to the wad of gauze he’s pressing on with both hands, “don’t worry about hurtin’ him, just press as hard as you can. I’m gonna check his pulse.”

Tim lets out an almost inhuman scream the second she touches him, and it’s almost enough to have her jerk away and apologize if that wouldn’t render the whole thing useless. Curly waits until Angela’s hands are pressing hard beside his before he deigns to move one away, deftly pressing two fingers under Tim’s neck with one hand, counting under his breath. It seems like a long time before he stops counting even though the clock says it wasn’t more than a minute, and the tightness in his jaw belies his anxiety. 

Not good then- or getting worse.

“Well?” She snaps, too full of fear to know what to do with it, trying to hide behind a more familiar anger.

“It’s slow,” Curly snaps right back, her twin in soul and temperament and right now a visceral type of fear, “and gettin’ worse. He’s fucking bleeding out, Angel what’d you expect!”

“Shut up! He ain’t gonna bleed out! Shut up!”

Curly glares a second longer before his mask slips just a bit and she sees herself in his blue eyes. For a second they’re three years old again and Tim is in the reformatory and they’re both so hungry and alone and scared it feels like nothing will ever be okay again. Then she blinks, and Curly’s jaw tightens, and they’re back to now, in a no less horrible present.

“Damnit,” Curly snarls, but his voice breaks, “where the fuck is Manuel?”

“Quit arguin’” Tim speaks for the first time since Curly dragged him in and Angela could sob. His voice is the same gruff bark it’s always been, just as steady as it always is despite his laboured breathing, even as his lean form has started to shake uncontrollably under her hands, making it hard to keep the gauze and now one of her own t-shirts pressed against his wound, “and listen’ to me.”

Curly watches him with wide eyes, forever in awe, the way he’s always been, always willing to follow Tim anywhere, even off a cliff. Of course, Angela can't exactly blame him when she’s the exact same way.

“L-listen,” Tim repeats, his black eyes shining with an emotion Angela can’t place, and she is listening because its Tim talking and he always knows what to do. He’s going to tell them what to do and he’s going to be okay. They’ll do what he says and everything will be fine. “Listen.”

He swallows, grimacing as he lets out another strained breath before his sharp eyes focus on them again. 

“You’re good kids,” he says, fierce, so fierce, and Angela blinks because that isn’t right, it isn’t a plan, it isn’t a way to fix this. And it isn’t even true. She and Curly are about as far from good kids as it’s possible to be.

“You’re good kids,” Tim repeats with conviction, like he can hear what she’s thinking, “don’t let nobody tell you otherwise, savvy? I’m damn proud of you. Both of you.”

“Tim-”

“Good kids,” His eyes have taken on an almost glassy quality, “My kids.”

His entire body goes limp. Angela screams.

Manuel chooses that exact moment to burst through the door, Sylvia on his heels, and there's no time, no time for anything anymore except for Curly to grab Tim’s shoulders and Manuel grab his feet, and Angela try to keep pressure on that fucking stab wound all the way to the truck and then to the hospital until a team of nurses rolls Tim away on a gurney. Even then, the only reason they manage it is because Sylvia and Curly both half drag her away.

“Let go, I’m goin’ with him!”

“You can’t.” Sylvia’s voice cuts like a blade. “They ain’t gonna let you in the operation’ room Angel, so quit havin’ a fit and come sit in the waitin’ room.”

“Shepards stick together.” Angela turns to Curly for support but Curly doesn’t seem to be all here right now, staring vacantly into space and trembling like a leaf. “Right Curls?”

“C’mon,'' Sylvia shakes her head when Curly doesn’t answer, “We aren’t doin’ much good for ol’ Timmy in this parking lot, and we won’t do much more in the waitin’ room but at least there’ll be a place to sit.”

Unable to argue, Angela follows Sylvia inside, Curly trailing dreamlike after them, and they sit in the waiting room and do just that: wait. Manuel had left as soon as the doctors got Tim inside so he isn’t there with them, but Angela can’t find it in herself to care. Tim runs a gang, not a family. Manuel knows that as well as any of them.

Angela squeezes her hands into fists to stop the tremble in her fingers. Wonders how Sylvia can still be so unfeeling when her best friend has just been stabbed. Decides she doesn’t care. Watches as Curly slowly returns to himself, pulling out a cigarette and offering her one. They both pretend it’ll stop their hands from shaking. They’re both wrong.

She wants to do something. To start a fight or cause a problem, maybe kick up a fuss in the food court or swear at a nurse, do something to assuage the fear and the anger burning it’s way through her chest, do anything that isn’t just sit here and wait.

You’re good kids, Tim’s words echo in her head every time she’s about to get up and do something, keeping her rooted to the stupid plastic chair, doomed seemingly forever to the horrific purgatory of the waiting room. She isn’t a good kid, but Tim thinks she is, so she can be, at least for now, at least until she knows he’s okay.

“Anyone here for Timothy Shepard?”

Angela’s on her feet immediately, Curly at her side. Sylvia rises more languidly to face the woman at the nurses station, cool as ever.

“I don’t have any news yet,” the nurse says apologetically, seeing Angela and Curly’s tense faces, “I’m sorry. I just need someone to fill out the intake forms. Is he a minor?”

For a second Angela hates the warm faced woman more than she’s ever hated anyone.

“He’s eighteen,” Sylvia strolls forward, reaching a manicured hand towards the woman’s clipboard, “I’ll fill it out.”

The nurse starts to hand the clipboard to her, then freezes. “Um, I’m only supposed to give it to an emergency contact…”

“I’m his wife,” Sylvia lies smoothly, “you ain’t gonna keep me from seein’ my husband. I doubt he’s even got anyone listed considerin’ we only recently got hitched.”

The nurse checks the chart again. 

“What’d you say your name was?”

“Sylvia Shepard. Maiden name Devares.”

“Well it’s true he ain’t got anyone listed…” Angela can see the nurse crumbling, “I don’t suppose you got your marriage licence with you?”

“‘Course I do,” Sylvia reaches into her cleavage and pulls out the forged marriage certificate Curly had made a few months back when Sylvia needed Tim’s help opening a bank account, “there, see?”

The nurse glances at it and finally passes over the clipboard. 

“My apologies Mrs. Shepard.”

Angela winces. Sylvia is many things, but she ain’t a Shepard, and she sure as shit ain’t Tim’s wife. Still, the charade has worked wonders in the past, and it’s working wonders again now.

“Thanks.” Sylvia offers her a perfunctory smile and turns on her heel, strutting back to her seat, Angela and Curly trailing behind.

“What’s takin’ so long?” Curly mutters to her, while Sylvia purses her lips, flipping through the forms, “we’ve been here an hour. How’s he still in surgery?”

Angela doesn’t know, so she doesn’t answer.

They wait.

Sylvia finishes filling the pages with her chicken scratch handwriting and returns them to the nurses desk. An ambulance arrives with some broad sporting a gunshot wound. Nurses bustle, doctors hustle, people come in and out of the waiting room, and still, they are not called.

Curly’s knee bounces more with each passing minute. Sylvia looks so bored Angela could slap her. Something somewhere is beeping and Angela is going to lose her mind.

“Family of Timothy Shepard?”

He hates being called Timothy, is all she can think this time, when a doctor gives them a practiced sympathetic look and tells them Tim's finally out of surgery and they can see him. He says a bunch of other stuff too, but Angela doesn’t understand half of it, and she isn’t really listening anyway because they can see Tim now and everything's gonna be okay.

Then they walk into the hospital room and Angela’s world shatters.

She is used to Tim being many things- tough and smart, the type of responsible someone only becomes when you walk the fine line between being a father and a brother. She is used to his rage, the one thing he inherited from both parents, is used to the cold fury he tries to mask it with, with the almost inhuman level of self control he wields like a knife. She is used to Tim fighting, lying, cheating. To Angela, Tim has always been untouchable, larger than life. Not a hero, no, but not a villain either, instead something amorphous and not entirely human, more powerful than anyone else she knows. Now though, for the first time in years, he looks entirely, brokenly human. 

And small. That isn’t right, Tim isn’t small, has always towered over her and Curly, even now they're going on thirteen and have finally started to properly grow. 

He’s lying on a pillow, his brown skin still has that same bloodless grey tinge as earlier, even though at least two of the tubes plugged into his arm seem to be giving him more, which is good since half the blood in his body is still on the couch in their living room. Even still, what use is the hospital blood if it isn’t making him better? There’s a bag on clear fluid- what do they call that again? An IV?- in a needle beside the blood going into Tim’s arm, and a tube taped under his nose. At first Angela thought there was a sheet pulled up to his chest but when she stumbles forward she realizes with a jolt of horror that those are bandages wrapped so thoroughly and tightly around Tim’s entire chest she can hardly tell where they end and the actual sheets begin.

Somewhere, somehow, the doctor is still talking, Sylvia taking in each word with sharp eyes and looking anywhere but Tim, but Angela can’t hear anything over the roaring in her ears. Curly trembles almost imperceptibly beside her and she knows he feels it too, the horrible wrongness that hangs in the air, making this room one of nightmares.

Angela isn’t stupid. She knows she’s seen and lived through a lot of terrible things, faced horrors that most kids never dream of. Still, this has to be the worst thing that has ever happened to her.

Finally, the doctor leaves and the room is pitched into silence.

Sylvia pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one carefully, admiring the slight glow of the tip for a second before taking a long, slow drag. Only once she exhales, blowing a cloud of smoke that almost seems to fill the tiny room, does she look at Tim.

Something grim and dark settles in Sylvia’s hazel eyes, hardening more and more with each breath she watches the tube force through Tim’s lungs. The look sends a chill through Angela, a horrible itch starting at the back of her mind. Next to Tim, Angela probably knows more about Sylvia than anyone in the world, but right now she hasn’t got the slightest clue what she might be thinking. 

“Curly,” Sylvia says, in the same husky drawl as usual, disarmingly nonchalant, “you got your switch on ya?”

Curly blinks. “‘Course.”

“Give it here.”

Her tone leaves no room for argument and Curly doesn’t try to, pulling the blade from his pocket and placing it in Sylvia’s waiting palm. Manicured nails wrap around it with practiced ease and that horrible itch in the back Angela’s mind suddenly becomes painful.

“What-” the words die on her lips. She can’t bring herself to ask what Sylvia is going to do. She knows what she’s going to do. The dark haired girl has never been one to get angry, but she always, always gets even. An eye for an eye. A humiliation for a humiliation. A stab wound for a stab wound.

A life for a life.

Without another word Sylvia turns on her heel and stalks away, letting the door slam behind her.

Then it’s just Angela and Curly and the boy in the bed that is supposed to be their brother but isn’t. 

There's a horribly ugly fake leather armchair in the corner of the room Angela drags it closer to Tim’s bed and perches on the armrest, Curly half collapsing into the chair itself. 

She’d thought the waiting room was bad but this is worse, sitting beside Tim but being unable to reach him, watching him fighting a fight that for once neither she nor Curly can fight with him, no matter how much she wishes she could.

He’s going to die. 

The thought rises, unbidden, from the part of her mind that is forever young and terrified and hopeless and immediately she knows it to be true. The earth is round, the sky is blue, and her big brother is going to die.

Panic flares in her chest but the more she tries to tamp it down, to banish the thought back to the depths of wherever it came from, the more it demands to be heard.

He’s going to die. Tim is going to die and there is nothing she or Curly or this entire fucking hospital can do about it. Tim is going to die. She and Curly will lose the only real family they’ve ever had and her whole shitty life will get so much worse without anyone to take care of her. Curly will go off the rails, will end up in jail or dead too and then she will truly be entirely, unequivocally, alone.

“Angel?” Curly’s voice is plaintive, small, and she knows he feels it too, “what are we gonna do?”

She knows what he really means, what he’s really asking. She doesn’t have any answers.

Instead she reaches out a trembling hand and Curly grabs hers like a lifeline, squeezing her fingers so tight her bones creak. Angela hangs on just as tightly.

They haven’t done this in years, not since they were seven or so, have barely touched at all in the intervening years, both too used to physical contact meaning pain to ever really be comfortable touching anyone. Now though, the pressure of Curly’s hand in hers feels like the only thing tethering her to the earth. 

They stay like that, hands clasped together in a silent vigil, until Tim wakes up.

It’s neither a slow, nor a pretty process. First a machine starts beeping like crazy and then half a dozen nurses and doctors rush in and kick her and Curly out again into the hallway, but when all is said and done and they’re allowed back in the room, Tim’s black eyes are open and the breathing tube is gone from under his nose. 

Angela Shepard doesn’t believe in miracles, but in that moment it feels like she’s been granted one. Then again, she thinks, as Curly starts mouthing off in an attempt to hide the unshed tears in his eyes, Tim has been the cause of nearly every miracle she’s ever witnessed, and this one is no different.

As Tim starts to yell and Curly’s unmistakable donkey laugh fills the room  Angela can’t help but chide herself for being so stupid. Tim Shepard never lost a fight. Just because this one looked a little different didn’t make it any different.

[the-witchhunter]

So a lot of what I’m about to say has to do with my preference for character driven storytelling and is pretty much just me putting down my thoughts. Feel free to leave your thoughts on this but don’t take this too seriously

I think a lot of the side characters from Danny Phantom are hard to incorporate into a DP x DC crossover, especially on their own

Because most of them are pretty normal teenagers and are harder to fit into a superhero story. They tend to be somewhat flat and their interesting traits tend to be how the relate to Danny or each other

Like, I’m not inherently interested in Paulina just being in DC because she’s a pretty shallow popular girl stereotype. There’s not a lot to her that makes her an interesting addition on her own to the setting, which is probably why a lot of people default to essentially make being from amity Park a superpower. I don’t think it adds a lot personally, but that’s a completely different rant

Dash being in DC on his own isn’t that interesting because he’s the archetype of a jock and a bully. So to compensate you see people make him insanely competent like the rest of Amity Park, or actually give him a superpower.

But the thing is, their actual character gets neglected to make that happen, which is kind of disappointing

I just think it would be nice to see who they are as a person matter more. Paulina, spoiled former popular girl now living in the real world on her own for the first time? Coming to terms with her popularity no longer mattering? Or chasing that high by trying to get famous because she needs that external validation

Dash, jock and former bully. He’s living a life where the fact he played high school football doesn’t matter, he doesn’t get the specialized treatment that it used to give him. Or he’s playing at a higher level and where he was really good before he now is dealing with the fact that everyone else is just as talented. He’s no longer THE star quarterback. Or he’s unpacking his baggage regarding his former bullying. Internalized homophobia and coming to terms with his own sexuality? Actively trying to change for the better? Seeing his old behaviors in others and trying to do the right thing?

I just think who they are should impact the story if they’re involved. If you could change the name and I wouldn’t be able to tell who it is, then why should it be this character? What about the character makes them different in this role than inserting any other character? How does who they are affect their situation for better or for worse?

Let’s take an example: Paulina becoming a reporter in metropolis. Regardless of how good she might be at the job, what character traits does she have that might affect how she does. Well, first, she was popular, that’s her big thing. She knows how to interact with people, make them like her when it suits her interests. This probably means she turns on the charm when doing interviews but is maybe a little bitchy the rest of the time. Based on her personality in the show she would probably gravitate to the society pages, wanting to cover stories involving the rich and famous, galas and all that.

See, in this example, she can still be good at her job but her character traits affect how she does things. She’s a more complicated character, and she might not handle things the same way Lois Lane does, but she can still use her abilities to get the job done through charm and manipulation. This could also lead to conflict because she can be rude to people she doesn’t need anything from, which if she does that to the wrong person, putting on the charm and batting her eyes at them isn’t going to work

Again this is largely based on my preference for character based storytelling. Characters and who they are matter and are what drives the plot. This is in contrast to plot based storytelling which is events happen to the character without their thoughts and decisions impacting the story. Plot based storytelling is an older style which you see a lot in old legends and fairytales, where things just kind of happen to the character. It’s not inherently better or worse but modern taste overall leans more towards character driven stories

[rnsk-kousatsu]

On Cherubimon's evolution

One thing that people often don’t realize about Shuuji, despite it being fairly obvious from the beginning of the game, is how easily influenced he is by those around him. Although he seems stubborn on the outside (at least initially), he’s actually quick to yield to external pressure and bend to others’ wills. You could argue that, initially, he only kept giving in because he kept getting outnumbered. However, this tendency to relent to others is still apparent even in the Truthful route, where he’s no longer pressured by numbers the way he was during the beginning. For instance, when he suggested moving in order from the shrine with the strongest barrier, Aoi objected, insisting they should start with the weakest one instead, and they ended up following Aoi’s suggestion. This shows that he hasn’t fully shaken his habit of giving in to others even when he’s outgrown his other early game traits.

Part of why I think this behavior remains in Shuuji is because of the way he was raised by his father. While it’s true that Shuuji — very much like Aoi — has a strong sense of responsibility, I believe this sense duty also comes from his need to meet the expectations others have of him. His urge to fulfill these expectations seems to be driven by a desire to be accepted, as his father has made him believe that living up to these expectations is the only way to gain approval. In short, he constantly seeks external validation by repressing how he truly feels and following through what other wants.

Cherubimon’s evolution scenario seems to address this persistent trait of his and attempts to make him grow out of it even if just a little. Due to the simplistic scenario presented in it (much like any other affinity-based evolution scene in Survive), perhaps not many notice it’s meant for that. However, ever since the first time I watched it play out, I’ve been intrigued by how this line by Cherubimon is worded:

“シュウジが責任感だけじゃなく、自分の中に見つけた『正しさ』を信じたから、ボクにも力が湧いたんだ”

This line (very literally) translates to “I was able to find strength because you (Shuuji) didn’t just rely on your sense of responsibility; you also believed in the ‘rightness’ you found within yourself.” Something to note is that I couldn’t quite come up with an appropriate word to translate “正しさ”, but we’ll get back to this later. English localization has it translated to “Believing not only in your duty, but in your own righteousness, you filled me with strength,” which isn’t wrong per se (it’s correct and it flows more naturally than the very literal translation I’ve come up with, in fact), but translating “正しさ” as “righteousness” in this context doesn’t really click in my opinion. Let me finally explain why.

While translating “正しさ” as “righteousness” isn’t necessarily wrong, “righteousness” often has a stronger moral or ethical connotation, implying a judgment of moral superiority or adherence to a strict set of principles. For me, this feels too heavy or “formal” in the context where Shuuji is simply discovering and trusting his own sense of what is right rather than claiming a broader moral high ground, which I believe is the case here. It’s probably why it’s written in quotes (『正しさ』), perhaps implying subjectivity since it comes internally from Shuuji’s own judgment.

Now, to connect my interpretation of what “正しさ” means with what I said earlier before about the line intriguing me: the line makes it seem like Shuuji’s sense of responsibility/duty (責任感) isn’t necessarily the same thing with what Shuuji believes to be right. The way Cherubimon puts it implies that duty is external, and this new thing that Shuuji discovers comes from within and it’s what has triggered the evolution. In other words, Shuuji finally finds it in himself to just follow what his heart believes without getting too concerned about what others think of it, instead of constantly focusing on fulfilling duties and obligations in response to external expectations, which is represented by his strong sense of responsibility.

The dialogue that comes after that line drives home the point even further too — Shuuji wonders if what Cherubimon calls his “rightness” is just his ego talking (the Japanese word used for this is literally also “ego”/“エゴ”). Instead of saying he’s wrong for thinking about it like that, Cherubimon reassures him that he doesn’t care whether his “rightness” is driven by his ego or his selfish desires (身勝手), because to him, it still holds value if it can be shared with and understood by others. Essentially, Cherubimon is saying that Shuuji’s own personal beliefs or actions are valid as long as they resonate with someone else, making them his form of justice or righteousness (as a note: “正義” usually translates to “justice” in English, but I think this is where the word “righteousness” would be appropriate to use). He wants Shuuji to realize that personal motivations can still lead to something meaningful and just when they connect with others. I personally find how this is incorporated in Cherubimon’s evolution beautiful — it’s in the way  Shuuji finally allows himself to embrace his personal beliefs after struggling with trusting his own heart (since it’s been long overshadowed with his need to meet the expectations imposed on him), and by doing so, he doesn’t just empower himself, but also enables Lopmon to reach his final stage of evolution.

Note: Something else I noticed just now, even if not very relevant to this writeup, is that Cherubimon uses the pronoun boku/ボク in that particular line, which is inconsistent with the pronoun he usually uses (watashi/ワタシ). I wonder why that is, but I figure it’s simply just a slip-up.

[funky-fairy]

Lily, Remus and Pandora Headcanons (ridiculously long list)

they're my blorbos i would give my life for them. i project a lot onto remus and lily, so if anything is wildly out of character it's probably that

Lily

very kindhearted but also sarcasm queen

burnt out

Academic validation > real sense of self worth

needs external validation (no this is not healthy she's working on it)

better at potions than snivellus and he hates it hehehe

average at „regular“ magic (spells etc) but exceptional at „scienc-y magic“ (potions, arithmancy, astronomy, herbology etc) bc she's just that cool

plant mom (also green plants > flowers)

actually a rulebreaker, she’s just too smart to get caught

struggles to feel like she belongs: witch in the muggle world, muggle in the wizard world

study buddies to best friends with Remus

fav colours sage green and lavender

sorting hat couldn’t decide between gryffindor and ravenclaw at first

never involved in any drama but knows all about it

everyone is very surprised whenever she swears but she actually swears a lot

tells Pandora about the greek pandora myth and thinks that that's flirting

lotssssss of freckles

curvy/chubby

she is so sleep deprived

sneaks into the library at night (oh wherever could the sleep deprivation come from i have no idea)

loves christmas season (decorating, baking, cheesy movies, music, buying gifts for friends etc., not the christian part)

stress-bakes but can't even cook spaghetti without burning down the kitchen (baking is just different than cooking for her)

constantly apologizes for everything

smokes occasionally and always swears it's the last time (it’s not)

actually not that short but looks very short next to remus and pandora

abba fan (unironically) and always tries to get sirius to dress up as abba with her, remus and pandora (she already coerced persuaded them) for halloween

soft but wouldn't hesitate to kill for the ppl she loves

would love penelope scott if she was a modern teen bc i say so

first one to notice remus has a crush on sirius and vice versa

last one to notice she has a crush on pandora and vice versa

reminds others to drink/eat/sleep/dress warm enough but often doesn't herself bc she feels like she 'doesn't deserve it' :((

kind of a people-pleaser but remus is helping her to stop

so afraid of failure she sometimes doesn’t even try

Remus

doesn't cry (not on purpose he just suppressed his emotions for so long he literally can't cry anymore unless he has a full on mental breakdown)

caffeine addiction

won’t drink anything that isn't hot (eg coffee and tea, but also just hot water)

covers up his intense self hatred with jokes (not self deprecating but like joking about being perfect and stuff, idk how to explain it it's mostly me projecting bc i do that lmao)

very sarcastic and can come off as harsh

actually very nice and non-judgmental

chocolate >>>>>

never involved in any drama but wants to know all about it (Lily is his main source of information)

swears a lot

teachers think he’s very responsible but he just doesn’t get caught being irresponsible

smokes too much

thought the sorting head made a mistake by sorting him into gryffindor at first and still feels insecure about it all through his hogwarts years

patronus is a big black dog(sdfghjk)

very very tall but like kind of lanky

lots of scars obv

Sirius had to ask him out (and later propose to him sdfghjdfs) bc he had too much self doubt/hatred and thought Sirius would never want to be with him :(( (He did. Sirius very much wanted to be with him. Very much.)

top tier insomniac (lily makes sleep droughts for him tho)

lily taught him how to bake and now he loves it and is getting quite good at it

corrects people's grammar

knows every single abba lyric bc of lily

david bowie fan

constantly third-wheeling pandora and lily

hits/breaks things when angry, sometimes hits himself but never others

so afraid of rejection he ends up pushing ppl away (they can’t leave you if you don’t let them close in the first place) (his only close friends still are James, Sirius, Peter and Lily, but it took so long for him to let especially Lily close. Pandora still isn’t quite there even tho they are def very good friends)

Pandora

very smart but only does anything at all if she likes the class/thinks it makes sense to have the class

only follows rules she thinks make sense and most teachers just gave up trying to do something about it

experiments with magic a lot

has scars from said experiments

also random bruises and scratches of unknown origin

wears large quantities of jewellery (piercings, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, beads etc in her butterfly locs)

homemade jewellery >>>>>

cannot flirt to save her life

eyeliner.

absolutely in love with lily’s brain

doesn’t drink caffeine

her maiden name is lovegood and both lily and her become lovegood-evans later bc in my brain they marry

just wanders around sometimes (excuses it with saying she sleepwalks if she gets caught past curfew)

t a l l

the sorting head barely touched her head before sorting her into ravenclaw

patronus is an octopus bc it's very intelligent but often seen as 'weird'

fav flower is the lily of the valley (sfdghjk)

knits (she knits sweaters and scarfs for lily <3)

is like the only one in this trio that actually feels pretty good about herself

although she does realize ppl tend to see her as 'weird' she just kind of accepted it? like, yeah, other ppl can be close-minded but she knows that and doesn't let it define her; as long as she's happy and doesn't hurt ppl it's all good for her

exclusively drinks sparkling water and jasmine tea

hates the feeling of brushing her teeth and is always working on spells/potions(with lily sdfghjdfs) that clean her teeth for her

would definitely also love penelope scott if she was a modern teen

loves pastries and other little baked goods

literally doesn't get cold

[prettyinpwn]

Ford Pines: A Masterclass in Writing a Good Flawed Character

(Title disclaimer: his brother Stan is also fantastically written and deserves as much praise, but we’ll be focusing on Ford in this post).

It’s no secret that Ford is my favorite character in Gravity Falls. The reason why boils down to this: he is a perfect example of a character that is A. flawed, and B. goes through a character arc that addresses both his core want and need, and it successfully punishes him for seeking that want and rewards him for pursuing his need.

His flaws perfectly match his character want and backstory, and despite the fact that he does make mistakes, you understand exactly why Ford makes them. Not only that, you actually might root for him even though he’s not a flawless hero, because you understand the good intentions/character virtues and backstory driving his actions.

Lastly, his flaws are justified, but not excused by the writing, and he works to make up for them, which in my opinion is the key to creating a hero that is also realistic.

For those of you who read the above two paragraphs and are asking, “Wha...? Core want? Need? What do you mean?”, here’s a quick summary:

When I took writing classes in college (and over years of writing in general and drooling over writing advice podcasts and blogs), I found that the best method for me, personally, when it comes to crafting characters is to focus on two major things:

1. Their want.

2. Their need. On the surface, these look like the same things, but in character writing, they can be vastly different. For example, say that you have a character that greatly desires fame and recognition. They want these things.

But what’s the real reason behind it? Is it because they had a parent that was famous and want to live up to their example? Is it because they want to be adored by people? Is it because they were told they’d never amount to anything by someone and want to prove them wrong?

This real reason behind it all is the core need. Yes, they want fame and recognition, but they need it because, say, they have low self-esteem and need copious amounts of outside validation to boost it.

Tied to this need is usually a backstory reason (sometimes called their wound). Say your hypothetical character was bullied a lot as a child. Or abused by a parent. Etc. Whatever the wound was, it caused a big, painful hole in their heart that they try to fill and fix with their want.

So they go on a journey. The want is often the external journey. The need is often the core journey / character arc. Our example character seeks fame and recognition on an external journey, but deep inside, they realize they need something else, which is to understand that their past trauma/wound doesn’t define them, and fame and recognition will not be the balm they expect it will be. Often, they realize they had what they needed all along. They grow past their flaws associated with their seeking this want through understanding and instead pursuing the need.

Alright, Writing 101 lecture aside, Ford is a perfect example of a character that has all of the above. He has a want, a need, flaws related to pursuing his want, a backstory that justifies it but doesn’t forgive it completely, and a character arc that makes him realize he had that need all along, and he acknowledges his flaws and tries to grow past them. Let’s begin with some analysis to prove my point:

Ford’s Backstory: Protecting/Providing for Family > Everything Else

Ford was born in Glass Shard Beach, New Jersey, to a Jewish family in what is jokingly referred to as the “lead paint district”. His father owned a pawn shop, and his mother was a phone psychic in an era where not many women worked. Their social class is never strictly pointed out, but through context clues we can tell that they were not rich by any means.

Their small house was an addition atop their family shop and had mismatched furniture and peeling wallpaper; enough to keep a roof over their heads, but not enough to upkeep things for aesthetic/fashionable decor reasons. That, combined with a family conflict later that surrounds money that could have - as their father put it - “been their ticket outta this dump”, tells us quite plainly that Ford grew up poor, likely lower to lower middle class.

(I want to preface this next part about Filbrick, Ford’s father, with a note that yes, I personally consider what he did to Stan in A Tale of Two Stans abusive, but I will explain why he threw Stan out, or at least how he justified it from his perspective. Filbrick isn’t perfect, and no well-written character is. What he did makes total sense for his character, even if we as an audience don’t view it in a positive light.)

Ford’s father was a very strict, unemotional man. He provided for his family and worked hard, but he likely was the sort to have never told his children that he loved them verbally. Action > words to Filbrick, and everything he took issue with, were things he perceived as threats to his family. In the comic Lost Legends, released after the show ended, we see Filbrick take issue with Ford’s twin brother, Stan, who he accuses of stealing a gold chain from his pawn shop (and it turns out, Stan actually did, though purely for good reasons).

Filbrick gets upset with Stan because he’s protecting his family. He’s protecting his son from making the wrong decisions in life, because he wants what’s best for Stan. While it may hurt Stan to feel so picked on by his father compared to Ford, Ford explains why in this way:

(Also, can we talk about the symbolism in Stan looking at his reflection here? Throughout the series, we learn that Stan looking at his reflection = him thinking about his brother. Stan looking at his reflection while wondering if his father hates him? Translation: “Why does Pa love you and not me, Ford?” and/or “Why doesn’t my reflection match Ford, would my Pa love me if it did?” /cue heartbreak).

Anyways, it turns out, Filbrick was right. Not just about Stan - who later nearly ends the whole universe trying to get Ford back home - but also about Ford. Ford also takes shortcuts later on in life, namely with Bill, and they become his biggest regrets. But we’ll get to those later. All in all, both Filbrick, Stan, and Ford do things for benevolent reasons - usually for their family - but their flaws often come into play in the manner they try to achieve that.

Filbrick throwing Stan out is a great example. Stan’s breaking of Ford’s project was the breaking of Ford’s future as a millionaire, which would have lifted the Pines family out of poverty. Filbrick should have understood that his children are not tickets to wealth, talked it out with Stan and Ford to get Stan’s side of the story and helped them patch their relationship wound, and tried his best to help Ford find a different college to go to, but... instead, he throws out Stan, and tells him that until he makes millions, he’s not welcome back in the family. Ouch.

Like I said, I’m not justifying what Filbrick did in any way. That was straight up abusive. But Filbrick is a character where family security/stability > everything else, and so when Stan threatens that security/stability, it crosses the line for Filbrick. To him, Stan hurt him, their mother/wife, and his own twin brother, and Filbrick punished him for it.

But the irony is, is that in throwing Stan out, he was threatening the security/stability of his family, because Stan was his own son. Greek tragedy right there, folks. Often the things we do to avoid something, make us cause that thing to happen anyways, at least in stories. Sometimes it’s throwing your son out because there was a prophecy that he’d kill you and marry your wife/his mother, and later finding out he only could have done that if you’d thrown him out, so... oops? Other times, it’s trying to protect your family by throwing your son out, and yikes, you just hurt your family by throwing your son out, not just that son, but the happiness of both of your twin sons for decades to come.

Yes, I just compared Gravity Falls to Oedipus Rex minus the weird mother-son parts, deal with it.

Another factor is how they were treated as children. Ford was obviously the golden child. Stan was not.

I mean, literally, a golden child:

Heh, I see what you did there, writing team...

Anyways, a golden child is often described as, “held responsible for the family's success. Parents appreciate and adore them and, in a way, reinforces them to become better in whatever they are doing. A golden child is an example for others to follow. Even the siblings of the golden child are compared with them to create continuous pressure on their performance; to ensure that they shouldn't fail or fall short in their good behavior and accomplishments."

And also, “Their main purpose in life is to satisfy their parents' needs and procure success, name, and fame for their family from outsiders. Parents consider [them] an asset to the family and always make them appear superior in front of others.” (Source).

Often, you can tell a golden child by:

-An overwhelming need to please / a people pleaser. Notice how when his principal tells him about West Coast Tech, Ford only gets especially excited when he hears about how it might make him a millionaire, and when his father says he’s impressed. Once again, to Ford: providing/protecting for family and approval from his father > everything else.

-Required to grow up faster or contribute to the household at a younger age than siblings. “Your brother was gonna be our ticket outta this dump!”.

-Super high achieving, especially with grades.

-Fear of failure. His rejection from West Coast Tech he considered a massive failure, even though A. it wasn’t his fault, and B. he did just fine at the university he went to instead.

-Attachment to those that praise them / low self-esteem / a need for excessive validation from relationships AKA the exact flaw that Bill took advantage of to manipulate Ford.

-Sensitive to criticism. In Journal 3, when the Tarot reader tells him his flaws, and Fiddleford asks him to maybe reconsider finishing the portal, Ford gets angry. Whenever people make fun of his hands, he hides them.

So, getting back to the character writing lesson I explained above, how does this lead to Ford’s core want and need? Alright, friends, let’s summarize Ford with a few sentences:

“I want to find where I am accepted/loved and I want to protect those I care about, but what I need is to realize I had that acceptance all along, and often times the things I did to protect those I care about, I actually instead hurt them. This stems from a wound from my childhood where I was a golden child placed under high pressure to succeed, and simultaneously was outcast for my six fingers.”

And as I said, Ford had his need all along. Stan always accepts him from Day 1. Fiddleford McGucket also accepts him in the events of Journal 3. When these relationships break for Ford, is when an event happens that threatens his core want: to be accepted. But on a superficial level, when he’s rejected or criticized, an especially sensitive matter for Ford, someone who has been outcast for his hands and treated as a perfect golden child his entire life.

He has acceptance from both these characters, but the moment he gets rejected from West Coast Tech, and the moment Fiddleford criticizes his portal project... we see Ford at his worst. Both Stan and Fiddleford accepted Ford despite his flaws, but when reminded he wasn’t perfect... all hell breaks loose internally for his character. He says nothing to defend Stan when he gets kicked out, and he gets upset at Fiddleford and risks his health and the universe to finish the portal project. Because for Ford, not being perfect means he is failing to be that golden child.

Cue Ford’s Dark Night of the Soul, or the biggest mistake he makes and he tells Dipper later on was his biggest regret: trusting Bill Cipher. Someone who told him he was perfect, fed his ego and insecurity like cheese in a mouse trap, then snapped the lever when Ford realized he was being used and lied to. When Ford realized that his fears were true: he was not perfect, and in trying to attain perfection, his flaws were only made that much clearer.

He had made a giant mistake trying to attain the one thing he had all along, but feared he never would get, so traded real acceptance that acknowledged his flaws for false acceptance that told him he was the perfect golden child he’d been trained to be.

This is why Ford is a well-written character. He has flaws and suffers for them until he makes up for his mistakes. They are understandable flaws, but like in real life, just because it’s understandable why we act poorly at times - be it because of trauma or upbringing - it doesn’t mean we’re justified in continuing to hurt others or ourselves because of those flaws. We must acknowledge them, grow past them, and do our best to do better in the future, as well as apologize to those we hurt along the way.

This is also what separates Ford from his father. His father - as far as was shown in canon - never tried to make up for his mistakes. Ford does. This is why Ford is a hero and Filbrick is not, despite Filbrick thinking from his POV that he had good intentions for what he did. Additionally, Ford is also an example of breaking generational trauma because of this.

How it Plays Out

So Ford is deeply flawed, realizes those flaws almost got himself and the universe destroyed, and what’s the first thing he does? Whine? Complain? No, this vengeful, nerdy BAMF goes on a thirty year redemption arc to stop Bill, knowing that he could spend the time getting home, but instead choosing to use that time to redeem himself at the expense of his own life and freedom.

See? That’s the thing. While Ford is flawed at times for acting out what his father taught him to be, he also has virtues we can root for him for based on these same teachings.

He’s protective of his family at the expense of himself:

He’s protective of the universe at the expense of himself:

He doesn’t hide from his mistakes, he tries to confront them head on:

He often isolates himself to be a lone hero shielding against danger AKA “Dipper, you shouldn’t be down here because my work is far too dangerous for a living soul to spend even one second down here!”, whereas... like, Ford, you’re a living, human soul, too. Doesn’t your safety and the chance to receive familial love you’ve missed out on for three decades matter? Think about how long he must have ached to see his family and home again? And his first inclination isn’t to bask in that love and warmth, it’s to act as Cerberus guarding the gates of the underworld, all alone. Because to Ford, that’s his purpose: to protect and prop up his world like Atlas, all alone:

“You risked the universe for worthless old me? Why would you do that, Stanley?” AKA “I’m the sacrificial golden child meant to prop up our family and further mankind through science, why didn’t you let me sacrifice myself and bear this burden all alone, you idiot?” *CUE RIGHT HOOK*

“Oh, there are children down here? Let me put away my thirty-years-festering gripe with my brother for a second to protect their comfort and stable environment with maturity because I am an adult. Also, let me kneel to their eye level and praise them for their weirdness.”:

“Oh, my brother is cheating off of me in class?” *Smiles.*:

“My brother gets called the dumb one who will never amount to anything?” *Frowns and looks guilty.*:

“There is a mere suggestion that Stan and I should hug and I’m the one who looks back to see if Stan will go for it?”:

“Stan, you broke my trust and chance to provide for our family years ago, but I’m now giving you another chance to earn my trust again by asking you to do the most important thing I’ve ever asked anyone to do while I stay by this portal and likely get turned into a demon snack and/or get mentally tortured here alone.”:

“Hey bro, I know you just broke my trust a second time by threatening to burn this book, and I just burned you, but I trust you still to save me and/or at least still take the book far away so that Bill is stopped even though it might sacrifice me.”

“I am shameless in my love of nerdy things, and don’t tease my nephew for them, either. I make him feel accepted and like he belongs, because I know what it feels like to be outcast.”

“I invent things for my family as soon as they need something, and go above and beyond what is necessary for it.”

“I was a big old dumby dumb and trusted Bill, and you were, too, Dipper, but we can still defeat Bill. Also here, Dipper, I got you a soda.”

“Mabel, you did that family protection thing that has been my core drive and/or wound my entire life, I will entirely ignore the wealth you just heaped in front of me and appreciate only the unicorn hair that will protect said family, you’re a good person.”

“I am the world’s nerdiest, most badass old man.” Okay, this doesn’t really stem from a flaw, but it needs to be said...

“Dipper, wouldn’t you also like to use your smarts to improve humanity selflessly and have the reason you’re an outcast become your strength, too?” also the way he dorkily poses in front of this like Ford you ain’t Alexander the Great or Luke Skywalker calm down you chicken nugget

“Fiddleford, I’m the reason you live in a dump and married a raccoon. I was a stubborn, self-centered, insecure owl shit and I am sorry.”

But all these good things go out the window when Ford’s central flaw comes screaming back:

“Hey Stan, I am the golden child, you must be perfect like me, I am very smart, you are not, and you are not like me, you know that one thing our father always faulted you for and you spent decades trying to make up for even though you shouldn’t have had to, because grammar, Stanley.”

But then his redemption comes in this single, heartbreaking shot (’scuse the pun):

“Stanley, I know all our life that father wanted you to be like me and not yourself. How fitting that my character arc redemption comes when you are dressed like me and I have to erase you, Stanley Pines, and I can’t even look as I take away who you are because who you are has value, even if you’re not me like father said.” AKA “I want you to be Stanley and not just my reflection.”.

And:

“I had somewhere I belonged. Somewhere where I was accepted and not outcast. Somewhere where someone appreciates me but doesn’t put pressure on me to be perfect or because they just want something from me. Someone who wanted us to sail around the world finding the supernatural and having fun because he promised it to me all those years ago, right after I complained that I just wanted somewhere where I fit in. Stan was where I fit in, and after decades of pushing him away, I realized that. I had my need - acceptance and protecting my family and familial love - all along. And because I often hurt Stan Greek tragedy style in my quest to find those things, I now will make it up to him as a thanks for being the one who never used or outcast me, no matter what.”

TL;DR: Ford wanted love and acceptance, but he needed to learn to stop rejecting that love and acceptance that people like Stan gave him from the get go. Also, daddy issues, I guess.

In Conclusion

So, is Ford an egotistical, insecure assbrain sometimes? Yes. Does he treat people like garbage at times? Yes. Does he treat himself like a tool to be used and is he self-sacrificial to a fault at times? Yes. Does he let himself get used like a tool for the sake of praise and ego-feeding? Yes.

Is Bill Cipher tricking him like that a metaphor for how his father treated him because “Ford I will praise you as long as you are useful to me” type sentiments? You decide.

But we understand why he does what he does because of his backstory. We know why he has these flaws: his upbringing.

What elevates his writing even more, though, is A. the writers were not afraid to show these flaws in all their grisly light, B. even though they justify his flaws, they never excuse them. Ford suffers for the above qualities. Those he cares about suffer for them, too. And there’s no easy path for him to fix them.

Like people in real life, it takes him decades to identify and solve these flaws from childhood issues and apologize to those he hurt. But he does it because he is a good person. A flawed, but good person at heart, who will do everything he can to make up for his mistakes and protect his family. Just like Stan.

Perfectly written character. 100%. Fantastic job, GF team.

[justalia]

i keep assuming sp and 3p are broken up similar to that one post from days ago. but i keep being proven wrong. like they didnt post for vday so i assumed they broke up but then i find out theyre seen kissing on campus and that sp just thinks im obsessed with him. he hasnt texted me in 2 months and refuses to because hes “happy with her” and hes “more in love than ever”. i just feel crushed and hurt. ive been manifesting for over a year now. idk whats wrong with me

nothing is wrong with you, you’re choosing not to take full responsibility for what is happening to you. if you looked within you’d see exactly what “caused” those situations to happen.

ask yourself why do you rely so much on the external for validation, why do you “assume” they’ve broken up? even if they did what good would that do to you? your sp could still choose someone else, you’d always be worried that someone else is in the picture because you don’t feel secure enough, your sp could decide to stop dating anyone for years. assuming “they broke up” doesn’t make any difference.

and on top of that “assuming” a problem is not there will only keep it there. all is consciousness, if you assume you “don’t have a problem” you are recognizing that problem as present and wanting to get rid of it. assume everything is already perfect aka go to the end.

ask yourself why you’re so insecure, work on that, i’ve been there and i recognize the insecurity. you need to remember who you are.

[many-but-one]

i understand if you don’t answer questions like this and it won’t hurt my feelings if you need to delete this.

i feel like my smaller parts have been coming out a lot lately, but the problem is that they are so overwhelmed and so sad all the time, and so fearful of anyone and everyone close to us, that i feel like i’m drowning in an ocean of sadness and hurt and depression. everything is so hard and nothing brings me true joy and i feel like it will never get better. my partner gets overwhelmed when i get like this and tries to talk to me like i’m one singular person and he can’t spot my little ones unless i tell him they’re there. i know that that makes sense intellectually, but in the moment it feels like he doesn’t see me/us and i’m just reliving my childhood and teen experiences of not being okay and begging for help and never being believed.

i do have a therapist, and she helps some, but sometimes it just feels like all i get is “do yoga and meditation and that’ll help.” she’s been through a lot herself and i know intellectually it probably works and i really should do it, but i just can’t bring myself to, and i don’t feel like it’ll fix the hole in my heart. maybe nothing ever will, i don’t know.

if you have any advice i’d be happy to listen but i also understand if this is too heavy or sad to talk about. i know it’s probably just a matter of having to grit my teeth and try to take care of the kids and get over myself anyway.

Oh luv🥺 I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I can absolutely understand why the feeling of being ignored or unseen can make parts feel like they are reliving aspects of their childhood. Young parts often hold so much pain, it can be hard for lesser knowing parts to even fathom such deep depths of emotions like that until they’re right next to you and you’re feeling them.

My suggestion to you is twofold:

1) communicate with your partner and your therapist that while you know they’re trying to help, their help is just…not helpful. You are allowed to tell someone their help isn’t helping, especially a therapist that you pay to see. A question you will likely get from them is “How can I help you better, then?” And that’s something you’ll need to figure out. What would help you best in that moment? Comfort? Talking about the emotions? Expressing them in some way with your partner? (Such as making art or listening to a music playlist these parts make to help get these feelings out? Both can also double as a way for your partner to see the intensity of the pain externally in ways that perhaps words or explanation just can’t describe. Art is a powerful mode of communication, feel free to use it!)

2) Find out what YOU yourself can do to help these child alters feel better too. Unfortunately we cannot always rely on external people to be the miracle validators we need, we also have to rely on ourselves. Would your child alters want to be known by you or others externally better? Why are they scared of those around you? What can YOU do to help them feel comforted in this moment? Some other good skills to learn are grounding in the present (as these things you are feeling are likely emotional flashbacks—feelings your child self was feeling during times of trauma), something called “unblending” which is recognizing when emotions are not your own and working to unblend from that child self whose emotions are leaking into you, and widening your window of tolerance. These things can be hard! They are skills that requires practice, especially since folks with CDDs tend to be pretty “all or nothing” when it comes to emotions. Either you feel ALL OF IT or you dissociate it all away. Boon, Steele, and Van der Hart talk about this in the book “Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation” which is a fantastic resource available here.

Here is an excerpt that talks a bit about emotional avoidance or lack of reflection on emotions and learning how to widen your window of tolerance that may be useful:

In addition to all the things suggested, if you have child alters who are flooding the front with so much emotion that it seems nigh uncontrollable, it’s probably best that they not be fronting at that time. Learning how to communicate with them and say things like “hey, I am at work right now, we cannot be having these sorts of emotions at this time. I am not ignoring you, we will address them later when we are in a safe place at home. Can you please go inside to a safe place until we can address these emotions safely?” To which you then must address those parts later on, or they will end up not trusting you when you communicate this and will be less likely to leave front when you ask. Directing them to a safe alter (like a caretaker, protector, or gatekeeper) or asking them to go to a safe inner place internally can provide a bit of relief. If you don’t have an inner safe place or don’t know if you do, here’s some ideas on inner safe places for parts:

To create an inner safe place, try this visualization. We did this with our therapist and we still have the store in our inner world. Granted, it’s much bigger and more complex now to fit all the needs of all parts, but it’s still there!

Also creating time in your day or week for younger parts to come out and be in a safe place and enjoy things they like can work wonders on them feeling more comfortable in the present. Maybe at first you do not involve your partner in this. You can color in a coloring book, read a children’s book to your parts, eat a tasty snack with them, or any number of other things. Helping young parts feel safe and adjusted in the present space is helpful. Something we often have to do with young parts is a “house tour” which is going around the house and pointing out all the things that are different than the old places. “See how the walls are [color] and not [color]? Look at this decoration, we didn’t have that back then. Look at our [pet if you have one] we didn’t have them back then. Look at this furniture and these clothes, we didn’t have these things back then, because it is [insert this year] and not back then, we are safe now in this space.” Eventually adding your partner in with these activities will also help them feel safer around your partner.

Additionally, encouraging parts to express themselves with words or pictures rather than emotions can be important. Putting emotions into something like words, drawings, a gallery of photos you find on the internet, etc, can be a good way to help de-escalate emotions and make them not so intense. I know saying “putting words to emotions makes the emotions not so intense” feels fake, but trust me, it works. Yes, it pisses us off every time we do what our therapist says will help and it actually helps. Yes, we still do it begrudgingly even though it helps. If parts are not allowed to talk about what happened to them (your gatekeeper or protector parts do not allow them to disclose trauma) then have them not write about the experience itself, but the emotions behind the experience. Encourage parts to use their words when communicating rather than emotions or flashbacks.

I hope some of these suggestions helped? Good luck and take care anon!

-Dori🌹 (she/he/they)