#he called me a girl with bpd and no loving parents then acted like i was hurt because i was like What Are U Talking About Rn Bro lollll

[transk0vsky]

I would love to hear your headcanons about Clara

Cracks knuckles alright! Finally I get to talk about my favorite healer! (Surprise she’s my favorite not the fucking dandy like everyone thinks)

Starting off with my hc for her ever! It’s that she has bpd she reads of having it heavily to me! The only one who picks up on this is Daniil since fellow borderline haver (Yulia and Lara might also pick up on it but I don’t think either would be able to pin point what exactly it is in particular.)

I view her as growing pretty tall post canon I’m talking this girl is 5’8 levels of tall and she’s fairly smug about it as well. The type of person who’ll place things on the top shelf just to annoy people shorter than her.

The main way to tell her and her twin apart is the color of their eyes, Clara’s eyes are a muted blue while her twins eyes are dark blue and look rather glossy and corpse like in nature. Her twins lips are also very pale it’s like she just raised from the grave.

I think she has some kind of crush on Grace and goes out of her way to show off and impress her “look at the miracles I can perform! I’m much cooler than any of the boys in town!”

In a modern day au she wouldn’t pay the turnstiles to get into train stations she hops them she’s also gotten in trouble for shoplifting before and her guardian had to beg the store owner not to call the police as he promises she’ll never do it again! (She does it again)

Also on a similar note she definitely knows how to pick pocket….that girl knows how to pick pocket and I guarantee she has done so multiple times

She’s got pretty bad abandonment issues so if someone wants to act as a parental figure or even wants to be a supportive adult in her life, Clara would be terrified for a good long while that they’ll decide to abandon her if she does or says anything wrong. since her last parental figures did that so why wouldn’t this new one?

So for awhile she acts annoyed by their presence in her life acts like she hates this person because if she doesn’t get attached to them as a figure in her life then it won’t hurt when they eventually abandons her once he realizes she’s just a burden to them. She needs constant reassurance that she isn’t a burden that she is genuinely loved and not a disposable doll that can be replaced.

If she stays in the town post canon she avoids both the Saburovs and Artemy like the plague she doesn’t trust either and neither have given her any reason to have trust.

I think she’s a September birthday! Maybe around the 12th or 13th? She’s never celebrated it however! So when she’s offered the chance to do such she’s rather confused on the whole idea? But she agrees anyhow. She’s overjoyed when she gets a small party, a small cake and a few presents. Nobodies ever done this for her before… for once she gets to feel like a child not a saint not a miracle worker not a thief…she gets to be a child for a few hours

My ideal post canon for her would be Daniil taking her in and moving them both far away from both the capital and the town. They both need a fresh start her especially so

She’s constantly getting bruises and scrapes! It’s to the point whenever Lara sees her she already has a bandaid or two ready since she just anticipates Clara to be covered in scrapes.

Post canon I think she’d have issues with insomnia and migraines, and when she can sleep she’s often woken up by night terrors which leads her to stay up for hours afterwards scared if she closes her eyes they’ll start again. As for the migraines if she’s around loud noises or bright lights for far too long she’s more prone to them, the first time it happens she’s terrified that she’s dying and rushes to the first adult she has trust in who is able to calm her down and explain that she’s going to be alright she just needs to lay down for awhile but if the pain continues to come back and they can give her some medicine to help.

She seems like she’d pierce her own nose and then offer to do her friends piercings in the school bathroom (this is a very specific scenario don’t ask about it.) whenever or not it gets infected is up to interpretation.

I think her favorite animal would be sting rays! No real reason for it I just think she’d like them ( everyone always says rat so I want to be original!)

She likes to collect rocks if she likes a person enough she’ll try to find them a rock that reminds her of them! She might even try to draw their favorite animal (if she knows what it is) onto the rock. She went borderline insane trying to figure out how to draw a snake then she almost entered an asylum attempting to draw a raven

[thepr0blemch1ld]

My Recovery Story (Part 3/Last Part)

I was very traumatized after going through a lot of pain with my abuser, and being slandered online by him to his 41,000 TikTok followers. I was smear campaigned and harassed, and he told everyone that I had raped him when in reality he had raped me. He was a great actor, and put on a sweet loving act that caused people to believe him instead of me. I was the unstable girl, the crazy girl, and everyone turned on me. I confided in my Dad about what had happened, and he looked at me and asked me “Well did you rape him?”. I was so hurt by this. I couldn't believe that he thought so lowly of me that he really believed I would be capable of doing this. I told him everyone was turned against me and didn't believe me, and he questioned me after I told him how much it hurt to have everyone think that I could do something like that. I spent about a year in and out of rehab. In Aprifoof 2022 I reached the lowest point I had ever been in. I was doing meth all day daily, and I was in a state of psychosis that was so bad that I couldn't leave the house. I was crying constantly and extremely paranoid, and one night I ran away with a suitcase at 3am thinking my roomate had called the cops on me. I was miserable and felt so alone. I had enough, and I checked myself into detox. I stayed sober for over a year, and I grew a lot as a person. I started to become more self aware about my BPD, and I was working full-time for the first time. I was independent and thriving. After a year of being in sober living, I decided it was time for me to move out. I wanted to move in with my boyfriend of 4 years (at the time), but I knew I needed to save first. My parents offered for me to move in with them to save money, and I agreed to. What a mistake that was…

I was doing well living with my parents at first, and was able to stay sober. But slowly I started to become sick mentally from living in a house where so much pain had happened. In June of 2023 I decided to use cocaine, thinking that it would be a one time thing. I spiraled out of control very quickly. When I told my Dad after he had been questioning me for a couple weeks, he acted like he was here to support me. But he immediately became vindictive and controlling. He started to try and force me into having conversations where he guilt tripped me and tried to trigger me into arguing with him so that he could walk away feeling like he was more powerful than me. For about a week he would walk into my room early in the morning and ask if I was ok over and over again, mocking me until I woke up and got upset. I would tell him it was inappropriate and a violation of my privacy, and he would laugh at me and call me ridiculous then storm out and walk around the house loudly sighing. I was on Life360 with my family at the time, and he used it to closely watch me. I did Uber Eats for a while, and he hated that I had the freedom to drive around town so he would call me every time I was working and try and convince me to stop. I would tell him every time that I am the one paying for my bills, I own my car, and I am allowed to do a side gig if I want to. He did not stop, and would whine every time I left the house to do Uber. At one point during a phone call he got really nasty and told me “you should never had kids”, knowing that I want to be a mom one day so badly. This hurt me to my core. I had started to leave the house every chance I get if I wasn't at work, because I couldn't stand being in the same house as him. One day I was parked in a parking lot, sitting in my sadness. My Dad tracked down the exact parking spot I was in, and showed up to where I was unannounced. He walked up to my car and just opened my car door as if it was his, and immediately started to guilt trip me. I told him to never show up to my location unannounced again, and that it was a violation of my boundaries. He did not allow me to have boundaries though, and didn't care, just like he didn't stop waking me up by mocking me even though I told him every time to stop. I got kicked out after a couple weeks of them knowing I was using, despite me keeping it out of the house and going to meetings and working towards getting myself clean. I was relieved, even though I was not prepared financially at all. I moved in with my boyfriend and his mom, and I immediately started doing way better. After two days of living there, I put down the cocaine and started to thrive. I was finally living in a healthy loving environment with my amazing boyfriend, and it gave me the strength to quit.

A few days after I had gotten clean I went to my friend’s apartment to hang out with her, and I spent the night. I was still on Life360 with my family at this point. The next morning I got a bunch of spam calls from my Dad, and him texting me asking where I was. I told him I was at my friend’s apartment, and that I didn't want to talk. About 30 minutes later, I got a couple more calls from him. I got frustrated and answered, and he told me that he was AT THE APARTMENT COMPLEX. He told me to come out to his car to have a talk, because he just loved to force me into talks where he guilt tripped me and tried to prove I was wrong in some way. I refused, and told him that this was a complete violation and I had already told him to never do this again after he did it the first time. He insisted that I needed to go to rehab and that he was going to take me, even though I literally was not in an addiction anymore. He became extremely angry after I told him off, and screamed in the most violent way “FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. YOU TORMENT EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE. GO GET YOUR OWN HELP” and then hung up. My Mom then proceeded to call my boyfriends mom and tell her all of my problems, in an attempt to get her to kick me out onto the streets after they already had kicked me out so that I would be forced to go to a rehab that I did NOT need. I told them that I had had enough, and I stopped talking to them for a week. My boyfriends mom was extremely supportive, and instead of having a talk where she shamed me, she told me that she understood because she used to have an addiction to food and that she was here for me and I just needed to continue to work on my recovery like I had when I had a year of sobriety and that she didn't want to see me hit a bottom again. I cried and cried when talking to her because I had never had a parent figure show that they cared about my emotions so much before. I began to keep my distance from my family and went low contact, and I felt like I could finally breathe.

I relapsed for about a month on meth, because I was forced to do Uber 12 hours a day every day after losing my job in order to stay 2 weeks late on my bills. I couldn't find another job that paid enough for my bills and I felt like I was chained to Uber. I couldn't keep up the energy and motivation needed for Uber and it was extra painful because of my unmedicated ADHD, so I turned to street stimulants. I finally got a job as a pizza delivery driver, and started making a lot of money. I found a doctor who was willing to treat my ADHD as long as I passed a drug test and was clean from meth, and he was ok with me smoking weed before bed every night. I had never met a doctor willing to listen to me about how if my ADHD was treated it would help me to stop self medicating with street stimulants, and finally someone heard me and even agreed with me. It took a couple months for me to get clean in order to pass a drug test because I was dependent on meth, and I was scared to be without it. I finally got myself clean and I stuck it out through the detox and the cravings. I passed a drug test after a week, and I got an appointment set up for a month later. I was really happy the first month of being clean and I started performing even better at my job and got a reputation for being a great and fast closer. I spent a lot of quality time with my boyfriend when I wasn't working. I had started to dream about going to college whenever I was in a period of using meth, and I began to want it more and more. I found a college online that was meant for working adults so that I would be able to work full-time and continue to support myself. I had to fight my parents to put their information on my financial aid form while they happily filled it out immediately for my sister. They were trying to sabotage me going anywhere in life, because they resented me so much for being so troubled. Finally they put their information in, and I was able to get approved for financial aid. My parents had always told me that my college would be paid for in full, but they refused to now that I had so many problems, despite how hard I had worked to build my life back up again and how much I had fought to keep going. They didn't understand that I could have given up and that it was so easy to because of the pain, but I made the choice to keep fighting for myself. They were going to be paying for my sister's college in full, but wouldn't even help with $50 for an application. They make over 400k a year, so they were absolutely able to help, but they felt I didn't deserve it, as if me struggling was purposely to hurt them. I set up a payment plan for whatever financial aid didn't cover, and my start date was set for May 1st. I started Vyvanse, and I was thriving on it.

My Dad had continued to bully me throughout my time living with my boyfriend. He would insult me, put me down, make digs, then guilt trip me and become clingy when I pulled away. I told him about my excitement for school and he put down the school I was going to, saying the one he went to would be better, despite it being extremely expensive and meant for privileged people who didn't have to work to stay afloat. Every time I would talk about school my parents would go silent, and they showed no excitement for me. Meanwhile they were making my sister going to college a huge deal, talking about it constantly, taking her on a dorm shopping spree, traveling to different states just so she could see different colleges in person, and paying for over 10 applications for her. I told them that it hurt me that they were minimizing what I was doing and that I felt like they were emotionally abandoning me. They gaslit me and told me that they supported me, and made me question if I was being ungrateful. I continued to be rejected and my hurt grew more and more. I begged them to at least pretend they cared, and they couldn't even do that. At one point I met my mom for coffee, and she told me she was "too busy supporting _ to support me” and then proceeded to talk about how no one cares about her feelings and she sacrifices so much for other people as a way to make me feel like I was being inconsiderate. She told me it was the wrong time for me to college, as if I was supposed to put my life on hold just so my sister could shine even brighter. I had enough of my Dad's bullying at a certain point, especially after I had realized he was a narcissist. I told him that I would no longer tolerate it, and I blocked him.

I started college on May 1st. I was doing really good, despite hurting a lot from the way my parents were treating me. I was so excited on my first day of school, and immediately dived into the work. I spent all day hoping that my Mom would show that she cared, and ask me how my first day of school went. I got nothing but silence on this day that was so huge for me. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and at 10pm I texted her talking about how my school was developing a graduate program that I wanted to do after I got my Bachelor’s. I hoped that she would ask me about my first day of school if I put it right in her face, and she did. It didn't feel the same though, and I was still disappointed knowing that I had to throw school in her face for her to ask. I started to embrace the fact that I had family with my boyfriend and his mom. I had never gotten emotional support or unconditional love or respect from my family, and living with two amazing people who gave all of that to me was eye opening for just how much I had been cheated. I have continued to do really well, and I'm super ahead in my class. I unblocked my Dad because my Mom guilted me into it, but I am low contact. I made it clear that I will block him again if he does not change his behavior, and he has been giving me the silent treatment, most likely because he can't contain his disdain for me when he's talking to me. My Mom continues to not show any interest in my college journey, but my boyfriend’s mom has told me she is proud of me and makes an effort to ask me about school. I went to my parents house for Mother's Day and came home crying because of the rejecting energy from everyone, and my boyfriend's mom told me “you should never feel the way you're feeling after being with family", and told me that while they aren't a replacement for my family, she is always here for me and I am her family. I am waiting for the day that I am eligible for my works health insurance so that I can get my own and no longer have anything keeping me dependent on my family. In November of 2025 when I am able to sign up, I will be going no contact with my family. I have had enough of the hurt and it continues to mess with my head, but I'm starting to be able to cope better. I like my job, I love school, my medication is a life saver, I have an amazing 5 year relationship and will be able to get engaged after he graduates next summer, I have his mom as support, I am staying clean, and I am doing a lot of work on myself right now. My life has been really chaotic and I have a lot of trauma, and I still struggle with BPD and some of my trauma but I am moving on to a new phase of life. I am thankful to be in the place that I am in. I am really hurt by my family, but I can't change that they are my family and I just have to continue to hold up boundaries and keep my distance. I am writing all of this just to get it out, and if you have read any of this, thank you for listening to my long story.

[random-basil-lover]

"Oh Basil acts so childish i hate him" "Oh Basil is so annoying" "ugh Basil is so scary he's crazy i hate him"

BASIL IS FUCKING TRAUMATISED. GUYS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF HE ACTS CHILDISH (which is something i don't agree with) MAYBE CONSIDER THAT HE IS 16??? WE TEENAGERS ARE CHILDISH AND STUPID ANYWAYS

BASIL HAS SEVERE PTSD AND POSSIBLE BPD, HE POSSIBLY HAS PSYCHOSIS OR ANOTHER MENTAL HEALTH CONDITION THAT MAKES IT HARD FOR HIM TO LIVE AND CONTROL HIMSELF. HE IS DEPRESSED. HE IS HURT. JUST BECAUSE HE CAN HAVE WHAT YOU COULD CONSIDER A "NORMAL LIFE" DOESN'T MEAN THAT THE GUY IS FUCKING SUFFERING.

"But he's a fictional character, why so mad?"

Fictional. characters. are. based. off. of. real. life. Basil's struggles are struggles people have IN REAL LIFE, illnesses PEOPLE HAVE, maybe even Omocat or someone of the team experienced that themselves, who knows.

If you don't understand mental illnesses, don't judge and hate. If you think you understand them but instead you are hating on the "oh, no so romantic and poetic" parts that ruin your perception of mental health being "poetic and cool", you should reflect on yourself.

Some mentally ill people hardly shower. Some mentally ill people don't brush their teeth. Some mentally ill people smell bad. Some mentally ill people live in fear, can't control themselves. It's not their fault. They didn't choose to suffer.

Also, about Basil attacking "Sunny" in 1 day left... Let me make you be in his shoes: You're sixteen, your parents weren't there for you during almost your whole life, you have abandonment issues, the only friend you truly connected with abandoned you out of nowhere after you saw your girl friend dead, had to carry her, you feared of what might happen to your best friend if they find out, and you tried to help him, which takes you to carry and hang the dead body of SOMEONE YOU LOVED, all this at 12, which is extremely traumatic by itself. One of your former friends started bullying you for something you didn't do, but you decided to not tell her you didn't do it to protect your best friend. She calls you a creep, and some other people join to keep calling you hurtful things, they even attack you physically. Your best friend came back after four years, but still wasn't there for you when you were hallucinating and panicking. It's night, and you are going to kill yourself. Your friend arrives. It's frustrating, because your dearest friend is going to leave the next day, and you needed their support so much... So, why the hell is he here? Why is he showing up and then leaving again? Does he even care about you, about what you had to sacrifice for him? You're going to commit suicide, you are in a very vulnerable moment, you are scared, angry at many things, filled with self-hatred, and guilt. You're having/almost having a panic attack. After seeing your friend, these feelings intensify, and you can no longer control yourself with all the things you're feeling at that moment, it's overwhelming, you're not thinking straight. You yell at him because he is going to leave you again, because you are hurt, and, as i said, can't think straight. You start hallucinating, but you think it is real. It is the way your brain has been coping, trying to take the blame away from your dear friend. You want to kill that hallucination, that "something" that did all the bad things (like killing your other friend Mari). You don't understand why is Sunny struggling and in front of you all the time, you want to protect him from the hallucination, you want him to be safe. Once again, you think the hallucination is real. Then, you manage to stab the hallucination in the eye... Only to realise you actually stabbed your dearest friend. You didn't mean to. You wanted to protect him. More guilt. You pass out.

Doesn't that sound like a completely terrfying thing to go through? Just because you haven't suffered it doesn't mean you have to judge and hate on someone, fictional or not. Because if you went through that, i assure you you would not be thinking straight either, and you would've done something similar, or maybe... you would be dead already. Because those are 4 years of psychological torture. Not everyone can go through 4 years of psychological torture.

Thank you.

[briamichellewrites]

51

Elton John saw himself in Bria. Though they had different childhoods, he still saw a girl wanting to be loved. He learned about her BPD diagnosis and what it meant for her. It was similar to what he went through. He struggled with alcoholism, drug addiction, self-medicating with men, and an eating disorder. What was her illness called? Borderline Personality Disorder. He would have to look into it. After reaching out, she invited him over to hang out with her and Mike.

He tried not to be star-struck by him. They talked about her childhood, her biological parents, and her ability to play music by ear. It was the same gift that he had. At the age of four, he started playing the piano. She was at boarding school when she first became aware of her gift. How old was she? She was maybe ten years old. Her parents paid for her to have lessons.

She also had voice lessons. Where did she go to school?

“I went to school at Saint George’s Boarding School in Montreux, Switzerland. I was five when I first started going there and I stayed until I was eighteen.”

“Why did you go to boarding school?”

“I have ADHD with hyperactivity. I needed a school that had stability and a routine. I couldn’t get that in LA. It was a great experience because I got to meet classmates from different countries and cultures. The great thing was that the teachers lived with us at the school. So, we could go to them if we needed help with our schoolwork.”

She was a fairly good student with good grades. Her parents wanted her to have good grades, though they didn’t punish her if she got a C or lower. It was more about finding out ways to help her understand the material. Her hardest subject was math. It was boring, so she couldn’t concentrate on the lessons. Her mind wandered. Then, she didn’t understand what she had been taught because she wasn’t paying attention. They laughed.

She loved performing on stage. They had a theater class, in which she participated. She learned how to project her voice without shouting, how to read scripts, and how to act. Did she have any other lessons? Yes, she also took dance classes. Hip hop, and ballet. She wasn’t great at ballet because she often stumbled, but it was still fun.

Would she send her children to boarding school? No, it was too far away. She would send them to public school. Being away from her parents was hard at times. She missed them. If she had children, she would want them closer to her at home. They could understand that.

Elton met her animals when they came in to say hi. Anya wanted to climb up on her lap. She bent over and picked her up. Woody brushed himself against her leg. I want attention, too! Mike bent down and picked him up. He then set him on her lap. Thank you, human. She pointed out who was who. They were like her four-legged children. Elton was an animal lover, so he said hello to them.

Hi, human! Bark! Bria asked Woody if he was being nice to his sister. Meow. They laughed. Was that a yes or a no? She liked to think it was a yes. Was he having trouble with the kitten? Sometimes he seemed annoyed by her. It was a case of Only Cat Syndrome. What was that? She just made it up. It was jealousy after being the only cat for years. They laughed. Missy and Buddy got along great together from the first day. They did everything together.

They fought like brothers and sisters. Sometimes it was play fighting and sometimes it was because they had something the other one wanted. How could she tell when they were play fighting? They didn’t have aggression or anger. When they were playing fighting, they had big grins on their faces. They also chased each other. If they were angry, they wouldn’t come over when they were called.

Elton asked about her anger. What was that like? She used a lot of f-bombs. They laughed.

“When she gets angry, it’s because she’s afraid that someone is going to leave her. ‘How dare you hurt me. I love you.’ You can feel the pain in her voice. She’s been angry with me a couple of times. When she does, she beats herself up over it and I have to reassure her that I don’t hate her for it. She is never physical. It’s all verbal. The last time, she walked away then came back a few minutes later and apologized.”

She didn’t want to be angry. It was just the emotion she thought was appropriate at the time. She was working on her anger and how to control it in therapy. He never held it against her because he knew she couldn’t help it. Her biggest fear was abandonment. The first time he experienced her anger was when he told her he was going home because he was stressed out. He sent her a text message telling her where he was going and why.

Her response made him believe she was not happy with him. She confirmed that when she sent him another text later on apologizing. Her friend made her see how he was not leaving her. Borderline Personality Disorder was new to Elton. They didn’t have that diagnosis when he was younger but it sounded like what he was going through.

Mike encouraged him to learn about it. It was a complicated illness, especially for her. It made her believe things that were not true. It also caused her to have intense emotions, whether they were good or bad. They were watching her because she was at risk of developing alcoholism or a drug addiction, due to her illness and her biological parents. He wrote down the name of the illness on a piece of paper for him. Thank you.

Anya meowed. She didn’t know what they were talking about. All she wanted was attention. Bria petted her. Thank you, human. They laughed. Could he see her? Yeah! She handed him her kitten. What was her name? Anya. It was short for Anastasia. What breed was she? She was a Siberian, Woody was a Domestic Shorthair, Missy was a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and Buddy was a Cavapoo.

Mike hoped he would get the answers he was looking for. He deserved to have a healthy mind. At fifty-seven years old, he still had a long life ahead of him. His genius came from trauma and mental illness. Just like Bria. Even though he wished he had that genius, he didn’t want the mental health issues that come with it. Even though he was star-struck, he also saw the man behind Elton John. There was a child inside of him who wanted to be loved.

It also reminded him of Chester. He was a genius, though he would never believe it. It was sad what mental illness could do to people. Anya purred happily, making them laugh. Bria shared the story of what happened the other day. She had a few friends over and they were in the living room. Woody was sitting next to her on the couch.

She reached over to pet him. He got spooked when he felt her touch. So, he jumped up scaring her. She screamed as he ran off. It was hilarious. She then got up and walked over to make sure he was okay. Was he angry with her? No, he quickly forgave her and let her pet him. Mike laughed. It was hilarious when it happened because it was so unexpected. They all thought she was adorable when she went over and apologized to him.

“He licked his paw like he was trying to play it cool”, she said.

They laughed. Yes, cats were easily startled making for funny moments. Thankfully, he wasn’t affected or offended by being startled. At the moment, he was more interested in watching the dogs and making sure they behaved themselves. They were. Missy brought her bed over and was lying on it happily while Buddy was lying on the floor. They had gone outside for a while and were now content with relaxing.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

[annesdiary]

19 July 2023

A little vent about E because I don't knwo what's going on or what's going to happen.

I just remembered that E forgot my birthday back in February. And now she's taking her daughter on a trip to the fucking USA. What hurts the most is that the attention part hurts me the most...

Her daughter gets two plane tickets, somewhere to stay and her undivided attention to a week and I got nothing but pain.

She has no idea how lucky she is to have E as her mother. The minute I lose it because of my bpd and hurt E once, she’ll cut me off.

And that girl can yell at her regularly at curse at her mother and E would never cut contact. She has a safety net to fall back onto. She can call her absolutely any time and I start thinking if I am allowed to call her after 10 pm. She can curse at her, E allows it and that’s it. While I’ve never hurt her and E will never love me as much as she loves her daughter.

I just want to slap her in the face and yell at her to know how lucky she is. And she’ll never know.

And I can’t tell E about it because I refuse to shittalk about her daughter.

I’m begining to feel like I’m doomed to feel this way all my life.

And her son's gf is pregnant too.

And I'm a nobody in her life. I have always been, I always will be, she can't even introduce me as her friend. That's fun.

I should have this conversation with her but I feel like knowing how attached I am to her would make her worried. But wouldn't she already know if she's so empathetic? No, because I purposefully downplay it.

Oh, I want a tattoo about her favourite flowers on the back of my arm too.

I hate it so much, honestly. She did nothing wrong and I can't handle our friendship well. I mean I can, I just try to hide any bpd symptom I may have.

I found a great video about individuals with bpd. The person creating the video describes us as colourful, vibrant and unique which made me feel better. He said that everybody else around us seems so grey compared to us.

It actually surprised me how well I hid my symptoms from even my parents, they'd never suspect anything while I literally contemplated running away once and killing myself multiple times. Like wow, they know absolutely nothing about me, they must be so caught up with their silly little lives and being stuck on a problem that could easily be solved if they acted like actual adults. That they appearently are? Question mark?

Which makes me even sadder because K knew of almost all my problems and now she seems so distant too. So that connection goes to the dumpster as well.

I started thinking if prescription meds could improve my quality of life because they'd help me better cope with shit. Or maybe my life is just shit and I cope well.

I talked to BD and I'm starting to feel like I should cut contact with her too, I'm feeling like a burden to her. I mean, to everybody in general. The dark thoughts return, and I find the girl in the mirror finally familiar after a few weeks of pretend-happiness.

[rystiel]

someone legit said this to me because i called myself a dude in a comment (he was convinced that i’m a girl) ??? giggled tbh

[respect-the-fae]

Things that remind me of: Ares

Sorry it's been a few days, life has been kind of a bitch, but I'm back with a post for my patron, Ares! I love him so much! This is gonna be a long one, I'll warn you now.

Weaponry. All weaponry. Whether it be a sword, a bo staff, escrima sticks or even sharp words falling off a tongue and destroying what they are aimed at. All weapons of every nature are this and remind me of him.

Boxing. I box alot, it reminds me of him and helps me feel close to him. How warm I feel, the ache in my arms, the bruises that form across my hands, the sweat dripping down my forehead. It all feels like he's there guiding me, reminding me to keep my guard up, and to keep my thumb out of my fist so I don't shatter it.

Red candles.

Bloodied hands and bruises. The type you get when your sibling gets beat up by the bigger kids and you go to sort them out because as annoying as your little sibling is, no one (NO ONE) messes with them.

Pink gin. Trust me, pink gin might seem like a weird one, but I have seen my mate single handedly knock out 2 guys who were threatening a trans girl while on pink gin. Pink gin is the Elixir Of Protective Rage and no one can tell me otherwise. (Dw, the girl is safe and we walked her home. We got takeout on the way and i cried bc she gave me a chicken nugget. We're friends now.)

Hunger Games, Divergent, Maze Runner. All about destroying their awful governing systems and rising up. Very Ares.

Using dumbass as a term of affection. With the same amount of love that people usually use when calling someone sweetheart or darling.

BIG HERO 6.

The concept of egging someone's house.

Snakes.

Having long baths/showers to avoid dealing with your emotional issues. Idk, just screams him.

Loving your crush/lover/spouse so fucking much, genuinely wouldn't hesitate to kill for them if someone hurt them.

Courage, all types of courage. Speaking out about racism in a protest, leading a protest, telling your boss about the coworker that scares you and harassed you. Telling a teacher about your parents if they're abusive. Standing in front of a crowd and giving a speech. Attending rallies, going to Pride, telling your bigoted family to suck a dick when they're being rude about trans/coloured/gay people, posting that post you were debating to do or not, sending your script/novel/anthology/biography to your agent, selling your art. Loads more that my brain refuses to give me right now. They are all brave, courageous acts that Ares loves and is so proud of you for. He watches you swallow down the fear and he rewards you with that glow of good adrenaline afterwards. That's his way of sort of kissing you on the forehead and telling you he's proud.

Rescuing animals from shelters. Ares is definitely very passionate about Adopt Don't Shop.

The Enemies to Lovers trope in fanfic.

Comfort items. Items that make you feel put together and braver. Mine is my Angel (from Lilo and Stitch, the pink experiment, teddy bear I got to match the Stitch one my friend has), I barely ever let it go if I'm in the house.

Poppies.

Baseball bats. The game too, but mainly the bats.

Petty 'wars' with siblings or coworkers. Snatching lunches and snacks, leaving passive aggressive post it notes.

War. Conflict. Rage. Obviously. But also bravery. Courage. A thirst for justice.

Protection. Of all kinds.

Weighted blankets.

Podcasts. True crime, and fictional horror ones. The Magnus Archives reminds me of him, idk why. (FOR REAL THO, ITS SO FUCKING GOOD, GO LISTEN TO IT. I WOULD DIE FOR JON, ITS ON SPOTIFY.) (And YouTube too.)

Learning about your friend's special interests because they mentioned they don't feel able to talk about it for fear of annoying people. And damn if you're gonna let that happen, so you're up till 5am reading The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory so you can talk to them about it, and give them a safe space to info dump and share their thoughts and feelings.

Geese. Yes they are bastards. But they are feathery, beautiful bastards.

Saying "because fuck you, that's why."

The "WHAT THE FUCK IS UP KYLE" vine.

"Thanks for checking in, I'm still a piece of g a r b a g e."

Self esteem issues. Bad mental health. PTSD, anxiety, depression, BPD, eating disorders. They're all battles, and he is with you through all of them. By your side, holding your hand, rubbing your back. He feels your pain and he is helping you move past it. He is there to remind you that spite is a perfectly fucking good reason to get better, because people suck and you will show all the people who hurt you that you will not break. That you will get up, every single fucking time. And he is with you for every single step. If you believe nothing else, believe that Ares loves you.

Getting back up. Never backing down.

Teenage rebellion. Wild hair. Hair dye. Breaking into parks at night, exploring abandoned buildings.

Bumps in people's noses where it's been broken and not set properly.

Donald Duck. That duck is ready to fight all the time and I love him.

The movie 'Red'. Its so amazing. (Also watch that, it's on Netflix, at least on the UK one).

WWE.

That's it, my Ares one. I think I rambled a bit but I am very tired so forgive me. Lemme know what you think!!

I love Ares so much, I probably wouldn't have made it to this point if I didn't have him. He is my patron and he protected me when I felt alone.

Next I'm doing Aphrodite!

[benaffleckofcrowdsurfing]

Star Treatment - 1

TBHC Alex Turner AU

cowritten with @walkingidler​

description: an escort, a millionaire, a hotel that breaks the boundaries of technology, time, and space, a flashing red light, and a shit ton of cocaine.

word count: 3.5k

warnings: mentions of mental illness, light drug use, and assault. I’d rate this chapter PG-13.

THE BEGINNING

**********

“We’re just leaving now. Should only be a few minutes. Brielle is very excited to meet you.”

“Lovely. I’ll step outside and wait for her arrival.”

As Alex stepped outside, the warm Los Angeles air hit him like a swift palm to the face. He took off his blazer and waited, not quite knowing who for. He knew she was young and at least somewhat attractive, he had been quite impressed by the pictures that his friend showed him. Who knew, though. Girls in LA never looked like they did in their pictures. 

In only a few moments, a black SUV pulled up to the lavish restaurant. Alex smiled politely when a small brunette girl stepped out. Wow, he thought. She’s actually more attractive than her photos.

“I presume you’re Miss Brielle,” Alex took a step toward her as she strutted up to him, and shook her hand.

“And you must be Alexander,” the girl hummed. The word ‘Alexander’ left her lips like honey, leaving goosebumps down Alex’s spine. She looked up at him with bedroom eyes, her soft green irises twinkling under the moonlight. Alex couldn’t help but stare.

“Come on, Darling. There’s a bottle of wine waiting for us at the table,” Alex muttered, still admiring the petite girl’s beauty. She smiled up at him before putting her hands around his arm and allowing him to guide her to the table.

“So,” Alex pulled out the chair for Brielle. “How old are you, Brielle. You look quite young.”

Brielle thanked him as she sat down, and when Alex returned to his side of the table, she chuckled a bit. “I’m nineteen. I’ve been doing this for almost three years now.”

“Three years? That would have made you sixteen when you started. How did you get caught up in something like this so young?” Alex poured Brielle a glass of wine.

Brielle sighed. “You’re eager, aren’t you? Usually men don’t ask me my life story until at least the third or fourth date.”

Alex’s eyes grew wide and his face flushed. “Oh- I’m sorry. I’ve never actually done anything like this before, I guess I didn’t get the ‘escort manners’ memo.” 

Brielle laughed again. “No, don’t apologize. It’s refreshing to sit down and have dinner with someone who doesn’t just want to talk about their tough day at work or their failing marriage or their kids who are probably all around my age.”

“Right. I guess you’re probably used to married men. I forgot about that.”

“Do you not have a woman in your life, Alexander?”

“I’m actually on this… er - date… by recommendation of a friend to help me get over my most recent ex girlfriend.”

Brielle frowned at Alex and stuck her bottom lip out in pity. “I’m sorry, Alexander. I’m sure it was her loss. You’re a very attractive man and from what my higher-ups said, you’re quite the businessman.”

Alex chuckled. “Businessman. That’s a funny one. But - and just let me know if I’m prying, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable - you never answered my question. I want to know how you got here.”

Brielle exhaled and took a long sip of her wine before tucking her hair behind her ears and looking directly into Alex’s eyes; it was like she could see a universe behind them as they gleaned against the dim lighting. “I’m just going to say this now, Alexander. I don’t want pity. I’m a big girl and I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, even if you may not see it as the most noble lifestyle.”

Alex nodded. “I understand, and trust me I’m never one to judge your lifestyle. I am the one who hired you, after all.”

Brielle pursed her lips into a small smile before continuing. “When I was fourteen, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I had been suffering from it for a long time before I was diagnosed, and it really took a toll on my relationships with my family. My parents were never the best people, they’re quite wealthy and are kind of your typical ‘Real Housewives of Los Angeles’ assholes. My mother told me from a very young age that it was more important to be pretty and polite than yourself, and my father never really paid attention to me. So when I was diagnosed, they kind of just wanted to throw me on whatever meds would make me a zombie and would keep me out of their hair, but I wasn’t having it. I deeply understood that I was who I was because of BPD, and even if I was irrational or ‘crazy’ or whatever, that was me. So I never took my meds.”

As Brielle fell into her own little world, painting out the picture of her teenage years for Alex, he watched her. He watched how her soft lips fell when she was speaking about her parents, how her eyes creased in hesitation before going on about her mental illness, how her delicate hands acted out everything she spoke about. He listened to her voice, taking note of the way she giggled through her story and put emphasis on words like crazy and troubled. Alex usually didn’t like American accents, but there was something about hers he couldn’t get enough of. She sounded intelligent, he could tell that there was a lot going on in her brain and it made him want to hear more.

“When I was fifteen, my mom found out I wasn’t taking my meds. She was livid. She screamed at me for hours, that was one of the worst days of my life. She called me a spoiled brat and a fucking psycho and said that having me was one of the worst mistakes she ever made. That day really pushed me over the edge. I couldn’t stand living with her anymore. I told her to take me out of the trust and to never speak to me again, and I left.”

Alex furrowed his brows. “You left when you were fifteen?”

Brielle rolled her eyes. “I know, I know. I was way too young to be on my own. But I had places to go. For that first year or so I stayed with some friends downtown. It was great. I got a job at a decent restaurant, and the friends I was staying with had an in to this club so we were constantly out partying and drinking and all that jazz.”

Alex frowned even more. “You were hanging out in clubs when you were fifteen?”

“Yes, Alexander. Fifteen. I dropped acid for the first time when I was fifteen. I did coke for the first time when I was fifteen. I had sex for the first time when I was fifteen. I was a bad kid.”

“I didn’t call you a bad kid, I just wanted to clarify.”

“Sure you did, Alexander.”

“I mean it.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“Brielle, would you please just continue your story?”

Brielle shot Alex a dirty look before continuing. “One day, I was in the club, and a man came up to me. He told me he liked how I danced. I was like ‘okay?’ And then he told me he’d pay for me to sit with him and keep him company. At first I was like, ‘no, what the fuck?’ because I was a kid and I didn’t realize what he was asking, but I guess one of the guys we knew who ran the club saw and pulled me aside and explained it to me. He told me that if I wanted to pursue that, he could take care of the business side of everything, and promised to keep me safe. At that point I already had no morals for myself so I was just kind of like, ‘fuck it’, you know? Fast forward three years, and I’m still saying fuck it.”

Alex repeated the words to himself. “Fuck it.” 

Brielle bit her bottom lip and raised her glass. “To saying fuck it.”

Alex grinned and put his glass to hers. “To saying fuck it.”

They both laughed after drinking their wine, and a waiter came up to them. “What can I get for you two?”

Brielle looked down at the menu and hummed softly. “I’d love the salmon, please.”

Alex handed the waiter his menu. “I’ll do the filet mignon.”

After the waiter refilled both of their water glasses and walked away, Alex looked back over to Brielle. 

“I must say, Brielle. I’m absolutely enthralled by you.” 

Brielle smirked. “As I am by you.”

Alex cocked an eyebrow. “How so?”

“Well,” Brielle took another sip of her wine. “You’re a lot younger than most of the other men I see. You’re unmarried, extremely wealthy, have a sexy accent, and are insanely attractive. I can’t quite figure out why you decided to hire an escort.” 

Alex bit his lip. “So you think I’ve got a sexy accent?”

“You’re missing the point.”

“Well, maybe I just wanted to be seen out with an attractive young lass.”

Before Brielle could respond, the waiter returned with their meals. 

Brielle let out an excited gasp at the sight of her dinner, making Alex giggle. “That’s a mighty fine lookin’ fish you’ve got there, darling.”

Brielle picked up her fork in a hurry, and let out a little moan as she took her first bite. “Oh my god, this is insane.”

Alex’s eyes grew darker at the sound of her little noises of delight. This girl was driving him absolutely mad, just watching her lips curl around her fork and smile into the salmon was getting him hot and bothered.

Brielle looked up from her meal and scoffed at Alex. “Are you gonna eat your steak or are you just gonna sit there and drool over me?”

“Wow, Brielle. I would’ve thought a girl getting paid to have dinner with me would be a bit less blunt,” Alex chuckled.

“Jeez, sorry that I’m comfortable enough with you to not be perfect,” Brielle blew a raspberry at the man across the table, and then smiled and stuck her fork out to him. “Would you like a taste?”

Alex cleared his throat in order to keep his composure. “I’d love some.”

Brielle stuck her tongue out slightly as she moved the fork toward Alex, and as Alex took the salmon into his mouth, she averted her gaze from the fork to his eyes. He was looking directly at her, so their eye contact was immediate. Both their eyes were dark, the heat of the moment building up between them. Alex had no idea that such a small gesture could get him going so quickly, and Brielle had no idea that she could feel the things she was feeling for a client. As the two of them backed away from each other and leaned back into their seats, they held eye contact.

“That’s absolutely heavenly. I should’ve gotten that instead of the steak,” Alex raved.

“I’m sure your steak is quite good as well, it looks fantastic.”

Alex lowered his voice a bit. If she was going to be bold, so was he. “Well open up then, have a taste.”

Brielle blushed a bit, the apples of her cheeks lifting when the corners of her lips curled into a grin. She leaned forward, resuming her eye contact with Alex as she took the steak into her mouth. She let out a few moans of delight as she sat back in her seat, nodding as she chewed. Alex bit his lip in satisfaction. He’d hand feed her bites of his meal all night if it meant he’d get to hear those noises.

“Holy shit, that’s a really good cut of meat.” Brielle mumbled. Her mouth was still full, and Alex laughed at her poor table manners.

The eccentric couple sat and finished their main courses, making small talk and getting to know each other better. At one point they talked about their favorite films, having a rather riveting conversation about one particular French film, Le Cercel Rouge. Alex practically proposed to Brielle when she had mentioned the movie, it was one of his favorites and he loved a girl who knew French cinema. They also talked about Alex’s two Akitas, Vesta and Vulcan. Brielle gushed over the pictures he showed her of them, she loved dogs and begged Alex to meet them (to which Alex replied something along the lines of “that can be arranged”).

“Alexander,” Brielle purred. 

They were eating dessert now. Alex had ordered a rather decadent chocolate mousse, and Brielle went for banana parfait. 

“Please, Brielle. Call me Alex.”

Brielle simpered. “Alright, Alex. You asked me how I got here, but how did you get here?”

Alex frowned. “I already told you. A friend of mine recommended I see someone to take my mind off of my ex.”

“No, silly. Not here, here. How’d you end up in LA? Where did your wealth come from? What do you do for a living?” Brielle pointed her spoon at Alex to emphasize what she was saying. 

“Well, alright. I’ve lived in the states officially for ten years now, but before that I visited quite often. I grew up in a little town in the UK called Sheffield, but my uncle owned a hotel here in Los Angeles and I often came to visit.”

“Oh, that’s really cool! Which hotel does he own?”

“Well, actually I own it now. It’s the Tranquility Base.”

Brielle’s eyes widened. “You own that thing?” The Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino was a massive building in the heart of Beverly Hills, and just so happened to be one of the most prestigious residencies in California. It was quite elusive. People were rarely seen going in and out, however it was widely known that this was where the most rich and famous stayed. 

“Yes ma’am.”

“So, I’m assuming that’s where your fortune came from?”

“Well, partially. My uncle left me a lot of money, plus the hotel, but I also, um,” Alex paused to find his words. How could he say this without exposing himself? “I’m an entrepreneur.”

Brielle narrowed her eyes at Alex’s last statement. “So you’re a drug dealer?”

Alex’s eyes grew wide. “How did you-“

“Alexan- er, Alex, I’ve been escorting for three years. I know that ‘entrepreneur’ is code for ‘I’m a drug lord’. It’s nothing to be secretive about. I’m trustworthy.” Brielle leaned back in her seat with a sort of cocky look on her face.

“Okay, yes. I’m involved in… that sort of thing. Another gift from my uncle. High standing in one of the most elite drug rings in the country. Both a blessing and a curse, but it is what it is.” Alex let out a breathy laugh and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small bag full of a white powder. “Want some?”

Brielle’s face contorted into a Cheshire Cat smile. “You know, usually I’d decline. I may be dumb but I’m not dumb enough to take anything from a stranger. But I’m feeling lucky tonight, Alex. I trust you.”

“Off to the bathroom we go, then.” 

***********

It was only two more days until Alex arranged another dinner date with Brielle, and a few days after that he called upon her for a quick dog walk with Vesta and Vulcan. Alex didn’t stop thinking about her for days. He thought about her in the shower, while he was working, during meetings, he dreamed about her, he had even asked his driver to follow her around one evening to see what she got up to in her free time. She was driving him mad, making him sick. He wanted her - no, he craved her, and at this point he’d pay her every night if it meant he got to spend time with her. She may have been some dirty fantasy of his at first, but in only a month he felt that he had strong feelings for Brielle.

Luckily for Alex, she thought similarly. Every time her “boss”, Enzo, told her that she’d be accompanying Mister Turner, her eyes lit up. As much as she hated that she liked someone as old as Alex, she was fascinated by him. Brielle had even gone to the extent of asking Enzo for his number, so she could see him outside of work, but that hadn’t gone well.

“Bri, you know the deal. No seeing clients outside of work.”

Enzo and Brielle stood against the club’s back wall, looking out over the sea of people. 

Brielle scoffed after him and took a drag from the blunt the two of them were sharing. “Enzo, please. I’m not going to go behind your back and ask him for more money or anything. I just want to be able to see him outside of work.”

The tall man looked down at Brielle as if she had lost her mind. “Bitch, that’s the problem. You start fucking your clients for free and I’ve lost all my credibility. People will clown us, and I can’t let you cost me clients.” 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Enzo. You’re absolutely impossible. I’ll just ask him for it the next time I see him,” she whisper-shouted and began to walk away. Enzo chuckled before grabbing Brielle by the hair, slamming her against the wall and gripping her arm violently to keep her in place. She looked up at him with a spiteful look, “What gives, Enzo? Can you let me fucking go?”

“You’re forgetting something, Bri. I own you. You’re caught up with me, and there’s no getting out of it. You knew that the moment you started doing business with me.” Enzo bent down so his face was level with hers. He kissed her cheek before letting her go and taking the blunt from her hands. “You’ve got a date with Mister Turner tomorrow night. I’ll be watching you closely. Don’t do anything fucking stupid.”

Brielle nodded her head in compliance, and when he shoved her away, she stormed outside and kicked off her shoes. “I can’t fucking believe him. I cannot fucking believe him. I’m going to fucking kill him. I fucking- I can’t fucking- I-,” Brielle cried. She was warm to the touch, the tears streaming down her face seemed to be sizzling against her hot cheeks. She couldn’t do anything but sit on the sidewalk and cry, she had no one to call or talk to help her calm down. 

“Need a cigarette, Love?”

A familiar voice reached from behind her.

“Hey, Alex.”

 Brielle sniffled and wiped the tears off of her cheeks before turning around to greet him. Maybe In a different situation she would asked him why are you here, but she was just thankful to have someone there for her - no questions asked.

 Alex sat next to her on the curb, and pulled a carton of Marlboros and a lighter out of his coat pocket. He pulled two cigarettes out of the pack, and handed one to her. “What’s going on, Brielle?” 

“Just work troubles,” Brielle shrugged. She thanked Alex after he lit the cigarette for her, and laid back on the concrete to take her first drag. 

Alex ran his hand over her small arm, a dark bruise was forming from where Enzo had held her against the wall. His voice got quiet. “I can see that.”

Brielle panicked and ripped her arm away from Alex’s soft touch. “Please don’t say anything about this to anyone. Enzo and I just had a bit of an argument. I’m okay.”

“Brielle, I know how Enzo is. If you’re in trouble you can tell me, I’m here for you.” Alex’s voice was low and soft, he seemed genuinely concerned and it made Brielle’s eyes well up once again.

“I can’t escape, Alex. You know how people like that are. If I ever go against his word he’ll kill me,” she mumbled. When Alex put his arm around her and pulled her closer, she burst into tears. “I want out so badly.”

Alex sighed and kissed the top of her head, his beard tickling her forehead. They sat there for a moment, just waiting for Brielle to calm down a bit, before Alex stood up. 

“Come home with me, Brielle. Please. You need someone to keep you company.”

Brielle furrowed her brows and stood up to be more level with Alex. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Alex stepped closer to her, and Brielle quickly stepped away.

“I just…can’t.” She began to tear up again. As much as she did want to go with Alex, she was terrified of what Enzo would do. “Trust me, I’d love to be with you. I really would.”

Alex looked confused, but he let it go nonetheless. He was sure she had a valid reason. “At least let me drive you home. Please.”

Brielle smiled weakly and nodded her head. “Okay.”

Alex put an arm around Brielle and guided her to his towncar. He opened the door for her, and cleared his throat as the two of them slipped in.

“Brielle, this is my driver, Nick O’Malley. Nick, Brielle Roux.” 

Brielle said a quick hello to Nick, who didn’t say anything, but rather nodded at her. The drive home was quiet, it mostly consisted of Brielle sniffling away her tears and telling Nick how to get to her apartment, and Alex comfortingly rubbing Brielle’s thigh.

“Here we are,” Brielle muttered as they rolled up to her apartment. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Alex.”

She planted a kiss on Alex’s cheek before slipping out of the car.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Love.”

[onisiondrama]

PART 13 - videos #24 & 25

(Click here for video mirrors) - These are not my words or thoughts, I’m just summarizing what Greg / James is saying in his videos. Apologies for any offensive language or comments that may appear. - I am not repeating stories anymore and will replace these stories with brackets describing what he’s talking about. If you don’t know these stories you’re going to have to go back and read previous parts or watch his previous videos.

i see

- Someone from OnisionFans.com wrote to Greg. They say Chris Hansen flew across the country to get Greg’s house to get “his side” [air quotes], but now that Greg is telling his side they haven’t addressed it. They say they pretend everything Greg said is lies when what Greg is saying makes more sense then what they said. Greg says pride and greed are two of the seven deadly sins and these people suffer from them. Says if Hansen admits this investigation was a total witch hunt and full of it from the beginning, then they could no longer generate revenue and will be humiliated. This is why they pretend Greg didn’t say anything. - Greg says you’re going to see Hansen ignore his points and questions because Hansen doesn’t want to face the truth. Hansen only knows how to confront people he thinks are predators. He doesn’t know how to investigate as far as Greg knows. He only knows how to tell someone to take a seat. He’s a 60 year old robot, once someone hits 55 they basically become useless and you can’t re-train them. Says in the air force they would train new 18 /19 year olds how to fly the new jets instead of re-trining the old ones. The old ones are unable to learn as efficiently and quickly as the new ones. He heard the pilots of jets wouldn’t be transferred to drones because they’re so different. He says his theory is Hansen is a one trick pony. - You can remain in denial, but the truth will win in the end. It’s nice to be on the right side of the truth. If the sheeple and lemmings want to keep marching off the cliff of Hansen, go ahead. Karma is real and it will come around. Y’all are a bunch of dumb motherfuckers. [He ends the video.] - [He comes back] He shows off new shoes Kai just got him and says Kai also got him kombucha and takes that as an indicator Kai’s not leaving him. Greg says Kai’s threat might have been empty. [Kai told him not to speak, everyone made him, Hansen is creepy.] He says Hansen has never said anyone of his show might be innocent. [Hansen financial issues.]

back then

- Says he got a well thought out email. They said if you’re in a parental role, you’re not allowed to be with someone until they’re 21. He says that makes sense, but he was never in a parental role with Sarah. No parent behavior and no legal contract. - Everyone involved were adults, but because Hansen’s whole career is about pursuing people who go after children and is covering this it makes it look like children are involved when they’re not. - People keep bringing up toddlers. He is not a parent as far as the public’s concerned because every child deserves privacy. People try to use children and tragedies for video views. It’s one of the most disgusting disgraceful things he’s ever seen in his life because you’re talking about an actual little child. - Says a long time ago Donald Trump said Stormy Daniels made love to him with her kid in the room because the kid was asleep, He thought it was inappropriate for Trump to bring up someone’s child to question their parenting when Trump is a douchebag. Greg cringes when people bring up children in general. He’s disgusted by you when you talk about children. If there’s an issue, it should be handled professionally. - This person said even though the Mann Act wasn’t violated during his relationship with Shiloh, there’s still potentially something wrong with his relationship with her. [I think I should point out, this is the first time he’s not actually reading the email to the camera. He’s just going off memory.] Greg says the problem with this theory is he and Shiloh’s relationship and his computer were reviewed by the police. Greg and Shiloh told them everything and they were cleared. This was in the beginning of their relationship. Anyone that says something illegal happened is an idiot. He says there were two old people. One of them tried to get him in trouble because they were seeing red with outrage and probably unstable. The other grown person was totally supportive of them and said they went through the same thing in the past. -  He thinks Youtubers that share their kids online are shitty people for destroying their kid’s privacy. Child stars end up screwed up. Imagine the psychological damage it does to a child to have their parent talk about them on camera or parade them around for clicks. Stop asking questions about people’s kids when they want to keep them private. - [Nothing illegal with Sarah, she was 18, classic BPD, slept in garage story.] - The person from the email said something about pushing vs body slamming are not different about Shiloh. Greg says there is a difference because Shiloh was the one body slamming, not him. 177 lb girl body slamming against the door. He just broke up with her and she won’t accept no for an answer and wouldn’t respect his personal space. She was in the room and refused to leave. He tried to pick her up, but she was too heavy. He grabbed her by her shoulders and guided her out of the room. When she got out she fell and said it was a miscarriage fall. He closed the door and she shouted through the door “you abuse me.” - [Greg gets a phone call. He cuts to after the call and says that was for a job.] - [He continues the Shiloh story] She said she fell, but it doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t know what she fell into. He guided her through the middle of the doorway, so she wasn’t near the door frame. After she yelled, “you abuse me,” he said let’s find out what the police have to say. He dialed 9-1-1. The police show up. He explained to them what happened. He says it's confusing because  here was body slamming into the door, so she must have fell after she body slammed. Then he put his arm through the door to push her away so he could close it because she kept body slamming it open. He says it was 8 years ago, that’s why he can’t remember fully. He told the police he broke up with her, he didn’t want to be around her, she wouldn’t leave him alone and wouldn’t leave the room. The police tell her to leave him alone. - He says if you want to look this up this was in 2011 in Tacoma Washington. 

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'

-’Falling’ by Harry Styles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRDKoMcgavw

I’ve seen and read a lot of fanfictions where it’s told from the POV of one character and that inspired me to write this but... it’s not happy... much... and Harry Styles’ song just also inspired me to write out this fairly sad piece because that song is such a tearjerker man..

I like to this of this as an inside look of the witch's mind and thoughts as well as her opening up about her issues.

WARNING: This small piece contains mentions and/or references to suicide and intrusive thoughts. Reader discretion is advised.

Interestingly... I've come to realize that Amy's behavior makes sense if you know what Borderline Personality Disorder is and what the symptoms are. Many of which she actually checks out for. I study a lot of psychology in my spare time and to my surprise, Amy ended up showing some symptoms even though I swear to God it wasn’t my intention, it just kinda... ended up like that.

For more info or insight on BPD: 

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/comic-perfectly-shows-jealousy-looks-232343129.html

https://psychcentral.com/lib/loving-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder/

Amy’s POV:

Apparently most children get their quirks at the age as early as 3 or 4, but when I was 4 years old I didn’t get mine. 5, 6,7,8,9, still nothing. That was it, I guess that just meant I was going to be quirkless forever, on the bright side at least I would be part of a minority that I could one day fight for I thought. If I’m gonna be quirkless I would own it. That’s what I told myself.

But then one day when I was 9 years old I woke up over my bed, floating around my room until my mom came in to make sure I came down safely. She told me everything, how her side of the family has a bloodline of witches that dates all the way back in the 1800’s and one of my great great great grandmothers or something had the same genetic affliction. Just like that everything became different, when I thought it was awesome at first, started to learn just what I am and who I am, and the history of all the great witches of the past. Slowly but surely I discovered more powers about myself, more powers I would one day learn.

Everything was brilliant… until the following year my parents were killed by witch hunters. Dad wasn’t even a witch, he was just an ally, he loved my mom and I more than anything, and they killed him for that. Worst part? When the heroes got to me before I could get barbecued, they didn’t even kill them.

I suppose that’s where it all begins though, after that they decided I wasn’t going to be safe enough here and that my new powers that were manifesting would be too much for them to handle. And because they didn’t want to deal with me, they called on the other witches on the other side of the world. From then on out, I had to leave my old life behind, my best friend and his family who treated me like family. I went from orphaned, to abandoned, to a bloodbath. 

As soon as I got to New Orleans everything else was just as unsafe. Asshole frat boys, an actual Minotaur man, fucking zombies, voodoo witches and of course MORE witch hunters trying to kill us. And also an immortal racist, a Frankenstein Frat boy, a tongueless butler who has tea parties and sex with dead teenage girls, a wicked voodoo deity and an old, axe-wielding serial killer that was once a ghost in Robichaux. Yup. But that’s just a perfectly average day at Robichaux, and a perfectly average day in my fucked up life.

At least I had my sisters like Zoe, Madison and Misty, and Ms. Cordelia and how can I forget Ms. Myrtle? That woman needs to be a fashion icon and I will do justice by her and make sure the world knows who she was. And even Ms. Fiona. The bitch who used to be in charge was pretty badass, I mean if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be the strong, independent witch bitch I am today. Yeah I have a ton of issues because of the borderline emotional abuse she dished out on me and the other witches but still...

My new sisters were by far the least terrible part of the entire thing. Which is why it still breaks my heart to think about how some of them died, because not all of them came back... 

Through all of that I kept myself up though. I learned how to fight back and fight alongside my sisters. I learned how to be strong, how to rely on myself and my sisters because we knew that no hero was going to come to our rescue. I had to be strong, I had to have thick skin and an elastic heart. Yeah that’s right I referenced Sia, she’s an awesome singer, just like Stevie Nicks. Amazing women, inspiring...

Sorry, getting off-topic. Anyhoo, I’ve realized though that it’s better that way. Being with the witches showed me the truth of the world, how the world looks at us and how it wants us to look. We have to be perfect, we have to be charming, we have to smile and look pretty. Why? Because the heroes have to be there to save the cute and pretty damsel in distress so they can feel powerful. 

This idea of heroes and villains is really all just bullshit... all of these villains I’ve seen thus far... they’re kittens compared to the evils and horrors I’ve seen here. It’s not just New Orleans, but I mean Bloody Face was a monster back in the 50′s, then the man who made the Hotel Cortez, he was pure evil and still haunts that hotel to this day. James Patrick March. Evil. Pure Evil and he murdered just to feel something, innocent people who didn’t deserve it. Dr. Arthur Arden, a.k.a Hans Gruper, the Nazi doctor who hid under a disguise and performed horrifying experiments on humans in the insane asylum of Briarcliff. Instead of helping those poor people, he just murdered, butchered and tortured them for his sick experiments. So many lives ruined, mutilated. The victim’s last moments were nothing but pain and a desperate wish for death until he put a bullet through their heads.

Murders, monsters, all of them. They all murdered for fun, and then even normal people were evil, the ones who valued their pride and selfish desires over anything and destroyed innocence itself just to achieve that. 

Those are the real evil people. All For One? Overhaul? Shigaraki? They couldn’t slice a loaf of bread with the amount of sharpness they had all put together. 

Those ‘villains’ that All-Might and my friend Midoriya have fought thus far are nothing compared to the monsters I’ve seen. They’re all a bunch of kitty cats, but I’ve seen and known killers. Real killers. Real monsters. 

A woman from an old asylum once said that ‘all monsters are human’ and she was right, because the monsters I’ve seen were humans. The worst of humanity and I've seen it all. What heroes choose to ignore though is that it's in all of us, and that those who choose not to do shitty things is what makes a hero apoarently. What a crock of shit...

But I guess monsters are just another thing that the heroes like to glamorize so they can fight and save the world from what they deem as the real monsters of the world. When I showed that I wasn’t a sweet and gentle girl as he believed, Midoriya looked at me like I was a monster, which just proved to me that he’s a part of what I’m fighting, and that that’s what this society wants, a good little girl who does good things all for the sake of this society. And I’m a monster because I’m not a good little girl, my sisters aren’t good little girls, no, we’re not a bunch of sad girls who are just waiting to be rescued, we’re witches. We’re not giving those motherfuckers the satisfaction of saving the poor damsels in distress because we’re not, we’re powerful and we don’t owe them anything, not a thanks, not a hug, not a flash of our tits and especially not a goddamn smile that men just love to see on women. 

Men like that are afraid of women like us, they’re afraid of women who aren’t afraid to get ugly and dirty our hands with blood. Afraid of women like me. And I learned how to fight, I was able to keep myself flying, because that was my first power, flight. I can fly based on how I feel, or on how much willpower I put into it. My power comes from my emotions and no fucking misogynist can tell me my emotions make me weak because I can do anything I want based on how I feel and how much willpower I have.

Lately though, it’s been nothing but willpower, as the older I get the more I realized that I’m not loved in this place. I wouldn’t be missed if I disappeared and I know it. I know it. But in life young people like me have to keep going even though we’re also gifted with the power of being painfully aware of all the bullshit that adults try to tell us is the truth, but we know better than that, they just don’t get that we’re not as stupid as we look. Although the sad part is, some of us ARE and they buy into the bullshit and try so hard to be the perfect little shitheads these assholes want us to be.

I can’t do that though, that’s not me. I wish it was sometimes though, who knows, maybe if I was that kind of person then maybe I would be liked by everyone, but that’s not me. Maybe that’s why I won’t be missed, maybe that’s why I’m forcing myself to fly every damn day just to make it through. Forcing myself to pretend that everything’s fine and smiling like a fucking idiot just to make everyone happy and not let them be miserable as me, but this shit’s hard, it’s hard to act like you’re okay when you’re not.

And I’m too aware of this shit, too aware to be truly ignorant and I call people out if I think they sound ignorant. So I’m not surprised when they end up leaving me or trying to tell me to be nicer and that I shouldn’t be blaming anybody or anything just because I’m a cynical and miserable bitch. Yeah, I’m a bitch but I can’t help it. At least I know my shit, I’d rather be a miserable bitch than an ignorant one.

Yet here I am, constantly miserable, constantly thinking and constantly aware that I’m nobody’s favorite person.

That’s just it. I’m not surprised by anything, because everything I do, everything I say, there’s always something bad behind it, that’s the idea I give everyone. I know it, it shouldn’t bother me but apparently, I can’t bring myself to fly because I’m happy, because I’m not. And then there’s always something that shows up in my life, something to make me feel some type of way, not a good way though. I can’t help the way I react to some things, I wish I could though, a normal person would be able to just go out and live life the way everyone else does. But I’m not normal. I never was. And every single day I’m reminded of it, every single day I remind myself it.

Every time I fly it’s through willpower alone, not because I’m so excited that my feelings can make me fly. No, lately I haven’t been able to feel a goddamn thing, and ironically that’s what hurts the most.

For someone who’s first gift was flight and for someone who’s powers allow them to fly, I’m just… falling. 

Constantly, every time I fly, I just feel like I’m falling as the weight of this world just keeps beating me down until one day I eventually hit rock bottom.  I don’t expect anyone to catch me, not even my loved ones. I feel like I’ve hurt them enough. Everyone I love, I end up hurting in some way because I’m just a jealous, overzealous, toxic and cynical bitch. I don’t deserve them and they don't deserve this. All this poison, all this anger and problems, I don't want that for them.

So I don’t tell them that I’m falling when I’m flying. If I’m gonna fall, I’m not going to drag them down with me.

Rock bottom almost doesn’t sound like a bad idea at this point. There are times where I get so frustrated with everything, so angry and so pissed off that I need to get away from everything and everybody and I let myself fly upwards. I just fly as high as possible, so high that I’m in the clouds and I can no longer see the rest of the world beneath me. 

God... sometimes I get so high that I just want to stay up there. I want to stay feeling so high and so powerful like nothing can stop me. I’m invincible when I’m up so high. And yet that honestly terrifies me too, because when I’m up so high I forget everything, even the things and the people I don’t want to forget. How could I ever want to forgive some of the people I love the most? 

When I remember them, that’s when I regain my vision and I start to see how high I’ve gotten, and how far it is to go back down. Everyone can see me and they can see how far I’ve gone, even up that high I can still see their disappointed faces and that just no longer makes me feel so invincible anymore. Because then I start to think ‘here I am’ up on top and yet I’m all alone up here. 

Sometimes when I’m up that high is when I start to think about just letting go of the willpower and letting myself fall from such a distance, close my eyes and just let everything go. Let the gravity just bring me back down until I hit the ground.

 And then I wonder, would that matter at all? Would it be better that way?

But as usual, I can never think of a fucking answer… other than that I should probably just go back home because I have people waiting for me. Ashlen, Hitoshi, Katsuki, Madison... I hope they're not too worried about me... I know they want to see me come home even though I’m the last person I want around, and I honestly don’t know how they want me around. 

Yet I guess it’s enough to make myself fly a little more, just to go back to them, because in the end I feel a little bit of something when I’m with them. They’ve moved my wicked heart, even when I think I’m better off dead, they make me fly. 

I don’t know if I saved myself, or if it’s them who saved me, because frankly it’s too late to save me, but I’m still here. I’m still here so I can go home and see them.

God... I haven’t been home for a while, but I’m on my way back home, I know they’re waiting for me, probably worried about me too.

Ash, Toshi, Katsu, Mads... You guys don’t have to worry, I’m coming home now. After all, I wouldn’t miss seeing your smiles for the world. 

[astridyoungyoon-blog]

「 devon seron. ’95 liner. female. she/her. 」 ✧ don’t look now, but i’m pretty sure that’s ruby magpatok (youngyoon). you know, the leader, main vocalist, and lead dancer of astrid. they’re originally from albuera, philippines and have been under marathon entertainment for seven years. they’re known to be meticulous and virtuosic but are often criticized for being timorous and fragile. ( stanned by faith. 18. gmt. she/her. )

what is Up everyone! i’m faith, 18, ur resident immigrant of filipino descent bringing in an idol of southeast asian descent bc u know I Had To. content warnings for talk of colourism, xenophobia, mental illness, and parental abuse bc this girl has been through ... a lot.

ruby was born in albuera, philippines. most people outside the philippines don’t even see that on a world map. they don’t even see most of the bigger cities in leyte on a world map. that’s how obscure albuera is; that’s how rural as hell the places she lived in were. but she was clever, and infinitely curious about things. whenever she’d drop by a more urban city a bus or boat trip away, like whenever she’d visit her father in cebu, she’d use the internet to find stuff out. she was precocious and kinda more involved than she needed to be when her father read up on overseas job opportunities.

he eventually left to work for south korea when she was about... 7 years old maybe? when she turned 11, however, she followed him all the way there. (he picked her up.) he promised her it would be amazing. there was lotte world, which was like disneyland. and ruby was made to feel like she had earned this. she was the smart sibling, the responsible one. she deserved to experience the loveliness of korea, the blossoms in the spring, the affordable delicious meals, the tall buildings lighting up the night. she was a city mouse at heart and she was built for this, not to waste her life and talents in nowhereville, philippines.

so she arrived here. she got into a good international school, yadda yadda. but then....

but then she became aware of what people thought of her complexion. she was dark-skinned even in the philippines, and grappled with colourism too, but in sk there were some people who just... downright had terrible words for her skin colour. they were so casual yet so hurtful.

but then... her father began penalising her for being a child. he would ask her why she was even here if she was just a burden to him. ‘but you told me to follow you here! you told me i’d have a nice life!’ she’d yell. he would threaten to send her home all the time every time she had a minor slip-up (or ya know, acted like a kid). it was difficult; she knew he was mentally ill, and it was tough for him to be an ofw (overseas filipino worker) who lived by himself. and it was tough being reunited with your daughter but realising she isn’t enough to alleviate your loneliness.

but she also knew none of it was an excuse to treat her that way.

ruby was, as i said, very intellectually inquisitive. however, at this point, she was having trouble envisioning her interest in the sciences and whatnot saving her from this horrible life. she had no relatives in south korea; it was just her and her father. so at 16, she decided to audition for marathon entertainment.

it would’ve been plain fun if not for the fact that this audition was gonna be like, a lifeline. she had so much depending on this audition.

she got in because of how ridiculously strong her vocal and dancing abilities were. (her faceclaim has a really pretty voice, but i figured for something like this i needed a really big voice. so her voiceclaim is jessica sanchez (video link here), aka the half-filipino legend who was ROBBED in american idol. do yourself a favour and bless your ears with the song i’ve linked, if you haven’t heard jessica sing before.)

she was pretty good at speaking korean when she auditioned, having been in sk for 5 years already, but she wasn’t the best. her stage name, “youngyoon,” was inspired by a nickname her first love gave her.

until now, ruby has no idea if that guy reciprocated her feelings. but she does know he made her heart flitter and that he always made her feel beautiful. he saw her natural complexion as a beautiful thing and called her 윤 (sunlight) because of it.

the “young” element, she chose for herself, because she loved what it meant (“flower, petal, brave, hero”).

this has gotten sooooo long and i didn’t think it would but... long story short, she didn’t expect to be the leader. i mean, she knew that no matter how pretty (visibly southeast asian features aside, she did fit korean beauty standards rather well; her nose was delicate and stood tall; she had good eyes and elegant facial proportions; she’s petite and a good height at 5′5″) and talented she was, she wouldn’t be a visual or face of the band or anything.

but marathon believed in her enough to make her the leader? oh shit. she suffers from anxiety and lowkey bpd + is neurodivergent so this was uhhhhhh! both a blessing and fuckin hell for her. like there was no way she’d turn it down but also she was like...... *laughs* im fucked

she’s been doing a great job over the past few years but like. she beats herself up. she thinks the group’s lukewarm reception is because of her even though she rationally knows that astrid are floundering for reasons bigger than just her.

just a few details to wrap this up: she’s very fluent in korean now, having lived in sk for more years than she did in the philippines at this point. she speaks four languages tho. and she’s fine being called youngyoon even irl.

please love us up! i can’t wait to plot with you all.

[iamjjmmma]

tldr: I have bpd. (Loong text ahead)

Note: All names have been changed for privacy.

 I never like to open up about mental health. Not only is it messy- it's also degrading. But this is an exception. 

So I'm going to lay it out for you. Right here, right now.

 I have borderline personality disorder.

 I'm telling you because, unlike with so many other things about me, you deserve to know this. And the way I got my diagnosis was long, narrow, and harrowing. So get comfy. 

Of all things, it all started with a death. About a month ago, a family friend who wasn't any older than three or four died. My entire family was devastated, but for seemingly no reason, I seemed to be the one who cried the most, who felt the most heartbroken. Not even my cousins, who were closer to her, cried this much. Of course, my sister noticed and encouraged me to get myself into grief counseling. I love my sister more than anyone else in the whole wide world, so it didn't take long before I was booking my first appointment with a Catholic counselor 45 minutes away who knew me ever since I was little. 

"Hey there, Sk3ltal. Something seem to be a problem?

" I get angry. I'm in your office, I think. How the hell would there NOT be a problem? I think. But over five years of this kind of anger gives you a kind of knack for brushing it off as hormonal and pretending your fine.

 "Well, Manuela...something does seem to be a problem. Somebody...close to me died. And she was young..."

 At this point, I'm bursting into tears. I wonder why. I get the "oh, honey, it's okay" treatment. She gives me a hug, offers me all the tissues I need, even lets me hold her dog if I can get past the fact that he's just about as still as a blast of wind. Thirty seconds later, I'm fine again.

 "Manuela, I want to make sure that I'm fine. That it's not grief and just sadness. I want to know how not to lose it in public. Because I feel crazy."

 Manuela bites her lip. "Grief does make the most ordinary people act like insane asylum patients, no?" 

A week later, I'm back in her office. By now, it's almost the end of September. And something"s eating at me. For the first time in my sixteen years, a movie not only humanized the villian, but made me relate to her. Relate to her enough to do this. BPD. Only heard about it once or twice before. Asked my mom if I had it, then she laughed and said it was just me being a teenager and that yes, crying four times a day and slamming the door EVERY TIME YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO was completely normal.

 So was the scratches on my skin I convinced my parents was "wicked eczema", and so was me pulling out my hair and banging my head against solid objects. And now, people were talking about how a movie character had it, and how many symptoms she exhibited. Suddenly, hunger for knowledge reached out its hands. I wanted to know.

 Could it be I had this? And what was it? 

Manuela was a little concerned, but considering I was getting bored as usual in her office, she let me take the questionnaire. Five minutes pass by, half of which I spent taking the quiz. And I think the moment I saw her face turn pale was the minute things started to fall apart and go back into place, all at the same time. "Honey, I...you're positive." ... 

Of course, I wasn't diagnosed right then and there. I had to make sure I could point it back to a specific event when it started- in this case, what happened when I was ten between my childhood best friend and i; she ghosted me, and i haven’t heard a word from her since- so they couldn't blame it on my "womanly teenage hormones" (yes, I was telling the truth; the event just helped to rule out those hormones). My family and close friends, whatever the hell the last one was, were interviewed. When my dad was interviewed, I could feel his face turn pale this time as he whispered, "Oh, my God. You just described my kid. Something's wrong with my kid." 

Next was a rudimentary physical with my family practitioner. to make sure nothing physical, other than me being a teenager, could be causing the symptoms. When the doctor said "nothing's wrong other than what you keep on seeing me for so far", my heart didn't sink. I didn't feel anything. The diagnosis was made official a short time later, but I didn't feel anything then either. And that's, ironically, a huge part of borderline personality disorder.

 Borderline personality disorder, to flaunt it in a more colorful way, is your mind constantly being fucked by a tornado of emotion while the borderline, which is what the disorder is named after, obtains a corporeal form and joins in the fuckery to create a massive threesome. Four if you count Lonely, my friend in the back. 

Getting my diagnosis may havw been one of the most quietly difficult things I've ever done. 

There's the fact that some mental health professionals are afraid with those with borderline personality disorder, or think it's completely impossible for children or adolescents to have it. If not for the relationship Manuela and I already had, I most likely would have been misdiagnosed again. On to the misdiagnoses, which are staggeringly common in those with borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed...

 -three times with some type of anxiety 

-twice with PTSD 

-once with bulimia 

-accused hundreds of times of being demonically possessed because of my "temper". that priest now knows better.

 But now to the real criteria. There's nine of them, and to be diagnosed, you need to get at least five.

 -Abandonment issues 

This was the biggie. It was almost like I grew up, then regressed. This all started when I was eleven, and my mind would switch from being 4 to being the 11 year old I was. I have too many stories of me being left alone for a ridiculously insignificant amount of time, then me acting like a scared toddler in solitary confinement about it. The time at the high school when I got locked in the bathroom. The time I got left in the car for 5 minutes and almost broke the door trying to get out. There's so many more, but this one, I think, takes the cake.

 I was twelve. They had the house childproofed because of my sister, who was 7 at the time and had autism, so she tended to be grabbier than then average bear. The acting out was at its peak back then, and my parents made the mistake of putting me in time-out by locking me in my bedroom for five minutes. 

What happened next was almost indescribable. Imagine the outright terror the character in the movie feels when he or she is stranded and realizes they're utterly alone. No one will come to save them. No one. The helicopter they came in is empty. The island always has, and always is, empty. Or imagine the terror you felt at school during that one time it WASN'T a drill. Now multiply that feeling by about sixty. I was nothing more than an animal that day. I screamed.

 "LET ME OUT OF HERE!" "SOMEBODY HELP ME!" "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" "I DON'T WANNA DIE HERE!". Bang, bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG. 

My parents always tell me that I would've beat that damn door down had they not gotten me out. They open the door. I practically jump on them to hug them. They bump me off, and while I'm not hurt, it's not like that made me feel any better, either. 

"What is your problem, young lady?! Can't we leave you alone for five minutes? How are you going to be able to be an adult and be like this?"

 Tears poured down my face. I didn't know. 

Hell, I still don't know. 

-"Borderline" way of thinking when it comes to relationships...always seeing others as either perfect angels or a bucket of nasty-ass toxic waste. 

-Self-harm. 

No, I don't cut myself. that's the stereotype, although there's people I know who self harm in this way. I didn't know what it was called or what I was going.

 but all I knew was that I was relieving whatever tension I had, even if it meant hurting myself. I quickly learned how to keep it hidden, and that was by realizing the millions of nerves on the surface of my skin and how that would cause pain without much overall damage. so I scratched myself. and scratched. and scratched. and scratched. pulling my hair was also a good option. if I feel really crummy, I start to bang my head into solid objects or bend one of my bones, although not enough to break it.

 at first, it was to transfer emotional pain into physical pain so I wouldn't have to feel it emotionally anymore. 

and it's still that now, to an extent. except it's more about controlling my anger and not letting it show in public, instead keeping it chained to my skin. and I'm sorry if this sounds emo or cringy, but it's true.

 now, it's turned into an impulse.

 -unstable relationships.

 my friends can all tell you that I love them dearly, more than the vast majority of the people they know. and they also know that I'm also more prone to lashing out or doing things in the relationship that don't make sense, like purposefully ignoring texts and phone calls for a day.

 -shifting self-image. 

what I wanted to be when I grew up was sometimes as fickle as the time of day. I wanted to be an actor during one point in my childhood. it consumed my everything, kept me from eating, from sleeping. and at another short point, I know wanted to be a singer.

 in the course of one particular year, I wanted to be a nun, then an author, then an engineer, then a truck driver, then a nurse, then a teacher. it was ridiculous,

 and all happening during a period where the education system expected me to decide what I wanted to be. 

and what about who I was? was I a girl? a boy? young? old? the best Catholic there was? a solid atheist?

 I have my 5. there's more, but I don't want to share it all, at least right now. and most of it is actually because the program I'm using to type this is really shitty when it comes to saving huge chunks of text lol. 

Treatment:

 I've started therapy. So far, both Manuela and I are still researching BPD so none of us are blind to stigma. However, there's a long road ahead of me, and a road I most likely wouldn't even consider taking if it weren't for my love for my sister (which I'm begging is genuine and not just a product of my mental illness). Finding a medication will be tough, seeing as there's no official medicine for BPD but so far, for the first time, I can feel the "BPD me" fading away when I drink tea with ginseng (a mood stabilizer). 

getting "better" from BPD, or at least working to alleviate the symptoms, requires just that: work. lots of patience, persistence, and just lots and lots of hard damn work. 

it'll take us getting rid of societal stigmas and working through the root causes, which unfortunately I can't just be "taken away from" as with those whose BPD diagnoses came while they were still living in broken homes. 

 And the worst part of it all is that I still love my best friend.

[addytheheartbreaker]

Yandere! Joen x Addy x Overprotective! Nicol (part 2)

(Warning! This story contains trigger and 16+ content including angsty theme, mental issues, self-harm and violence at the following story, please respect and advice not to read it if you are uncomfortable with this topic. Thank you~)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nicol's pov.

Damnit.... Damnit all to hell....

Why didn't I stopped her or noticing her depression episode has played her.

Addy started remembering her traumatic past that makes her messy from guilt and regret. I don't know which memory she had remember that triggers my dollface. She told me all her past traumas, the failure past, lost of someone, the brutal war or the tragic era's of the Dugsalan gang or her lost childhood that she felt missing at first?

Evidence that she started remembering is at her phone. Switch to history for info before asked the doll girl what's wrong. She is the honest girl when it comes to trusting the person who she strongly reveal. The Doll told me what she is remembering about....

Of course, the crual bullying experience by her classmates in the whole school year she enrolled in and her failure. Hate it!

Those bullies deserved to send in jail with me beating the shit out of them. I wasn't there for when she just 13 years old. This year, Addy is not the same girl who is knew before. The young dollface is childish, trustworthy, fun and full on energy. I know that puberty hits her by that age but the bullying just have to ruined her causing her to experience a huge amount of shame, regret, depressed and fear.

The fear of failure has gotten her worst. To someone with BPD had cause her to feel this way. Remembering back before the Masked Singer, it was my first time witnessing Addy's side of darkness. Her eyes....

Red like crimson blood, the shape of swirlls that spins to darkness if you stare at her doll eyes for too long which turned into madness of fear that disturbs you right on your back. Not knowing that from what I saw is just an illusion, she didn't become strong when I fought her back. But she is much more powerful then I not really expect from her.

How did she get this strong after I found her alone in America in a small abandoned cottage in the middle of the forest close to the city? My brothers informed me that Addy has been staying on America 4 months ago and finally found her living there. So glad she still remembers me (except my name, she already forgotten my name).

I'd took her home to the Dog mansion where she is safe from danger, gifting her a room that describes her liking perfectly while I started getting to know her and regaining her trust from me. But the fact about her mental issues is new to me. Doll's suffering to BPD had gotten worse explained by my psychiatrist if she didn't take care of her properly. Doll explained to me that she has been neglected by her parents while she taking care of herself most of the time.

She isn't really taken care of her properly at all. That might be the reason she became picky with food and becoming moody inside her room. What did her parents ever notice it. As if, she is invisible. Addy already told her parents about it but they just see her as a joke, a lie, a none sense of fucking imagination of hers.

God damnit! What kind of family are they? Yes, my friend who is a member to her family tree is popular to music and fashion. But did anyone ever saw Addy's pain in just 13 years or more?

That is why I decided!

Since January after I took her to my home. I went to asked and proposed her to be my owner with my brothers. Me and my brothers got to the conclusion that Addy would be perfect as our owner of the Dog Brothers. Over a month, learning her personality and behavior is what makes her a perfect owner.

A girl who is responsible and half normal to her mentality, she is a discipline woman that could act like a real leader she is. Addy also discipline and command us the right way. I'm still in shackles and chains, that's because I wasn't normal just yet. I'm really jealous of Joen with his family healing slowly and becoming healthier then ever. It is a good thing that I proposed him to become her entertainer to cheer her. I don't know how to comfort her despite I comforted my brother or even to make her have fun that could make her smile happily. Picking Joen is the right person to choose from.

Right now, I was too late to stop her from harming herself with her right wrist. Addy has scratching her own wrist with her left hand with sharp nails. It was deep at all but enough to punished herself as the cracks were more broken then before. It wasn't there when she was 13 until now.

I can't take the crack doll wrist as I bandaged her wrist, carefully not to hurt her. She is so gentle and calm to let me help her but dollface is still crying silently as I could hear her small hiccups and sobs from the dark thought of her past. I think it is time to call my rival buddy to comfort her.

Yet, why did I feel like when ever I need to call the rabbit to come her to comfort her and cheer her up. I have this feeling that white rabbit is hiding someone right behind my back. Watching over him when these two are at dollface's room, at the living room, at the garden and outside was his amusement park. Observing the look on that rabbit's face, I noticed a tint of pink of his cheeks when he was laughing and hugging her. That is not what I've thought of or maybe I'm just imaging things, it is something my own guts told me that look on his face that might threatened one day.

I know the psycho bunny and the wild dog myself are now in peace. I feared that he will do someone horribly with Addy for his advantage. If any? Oh let's just say I'm a doberman dog with a high level of aggressiveness and angry issues.

Since August right, Addy is on a mission problem from her gang as she use her teleportation device that take her to the dimension where her gang took place. I asked to joined her since January, I am officially apart of her gang. I hate seeing her hurt and become genocidal with her monster form on.

I'll protect her with my life even if it hurts to face the wicked truth of being a part of her gang.

So much blood and bodies of her victims. She is just as aggressive as I am. Addy's power eyes is the most powerful weapon of all. Its terrifying to experience it, multiple enemies who dare confronted her will fear the greatest monster you could ever seen.

Doll is defiantly a perfect owner to control me and my brothers with just a serious voice and her red eyes to intimidate us. Strong enough to controlled dominant us and kind and softer enough to loved us like a real owner and pets could do. I'll protect this broken doll at all cost, she is not to get herself hurt or unleash her terrifying doll eyes. Or worse.... Death....

She had suffered far enough for too long, what more do everyone wanted to destroy her? For what reason?!

Right now, I am busy on something and leaving Joen and Addy together at her room. I think I should give her sweets to soften her mood and satisfactory. Buyed her the stuffed bunny she saw at the mall, maybe spoiling her on shopping and bring her to a rabbit cafe and or park with bunnies in it.

Wait, why did think of bunny rabbits? She loves rabbits obviously. But why am I thinking about Joen, that psycho bunny....

To be continue....

@strawberryhd @xnonbinarydoex

[jolie-auletta]

Lose Yourself, To Find Yourself.

So, I had the honour of being part of an international women’s day seminar yesterday. Hosted by the beautiful Gaia Rose, at her annual awakened woman gathering.

Part of a 7 woman strong team, I made my first public speech.

Stood in front of 50 women I didn’t know, I spoke about something that had impacted my life. How I fully and completely lost myself, but found my true self by doing so.

So here goes;

When I first found out I was going to be speaking today, I was an anxiety ridden mess, I was almost automatically filled with all kinds of insecurities. What if my story isnt as exciting as everybody elses. What if people judge me. What if I dont even inspire any one?

And as normal as that thought process is for someone who has never spoken in public before, it isnt actually very logical.

While I was writing this speech I sent it over to my friend to read over and I told her I felt somewhat guilty for mentioning someone from my past.

I am literally about to say things to a room of strangers that I've never even said a loud before!

But that's when it hit me, I want to be part of teaching our daughters and the next generation of women to not be afraid of simply speaking the truth!

I was always an intelligent kid. I taught myself how to speak other languages, play musical instruments, top of the class.. so I should have been a grade A student, gone to uni and I could have been living 'the dream' right now.

I know that the dream is just perspective. The dream is what you make it. But what I’m trying to say, is I could have had a smooth and easy life, if things had been different.

I don't dwell on that though, devine alignment is something I speak of often. All that is meant to be, will be.

My secondary school days were awful. I started later than I should have, so perhaps that had something to do with it? I don't know. But I felt like I was just always having to try harder than normal, just to make friends. Constantly seeking approval from my peers, constantly trying to be ‘one of them’.

What I've realised it comes down to, is I've just never had good social skills. Which no body believes when I tell them because I come across so confident and eccentric!

But honestly I'm what I like to call a social chameleon. I can blend in with any group, but it's all down to analysis of behaviours and mimicking. In a sense it's just acting.

And that's what school was like for me, I shuffled between groups, making friends then falling out with them over things I just didn't understand at the time

It's like I just didn't know how to integrate with people , or be myself.

So along with feeling like I has no real friends.. I was actually bullied too. The entire time.

I remember having to leave school early just to avoid confrontation. The worst part is, I didn't tell a soul I until I was 25? So a whole 10 years went by without even telling my own mum that I was bullied!

That's something I really regret now. Because I believe it all stems from there and if I had reached out to someone, it could have all been different.

Anyway, the last year of school rolled round and I'm obviously so happy to leave!

But then this fear kicked in. What if I get bullied again!?

So I had an ingenius plan. (in hindsight this was not an ingenius plan at all)

I firstly completely went off radar. I chose a college in a new area, where no one would know me and heres the ingenius part. I made a new personality. Who is the most unbullyable person, I thought? All my previous bullies where quite 'rude girl' personas, so thats when i pieced everything together and decided who I’d be.

And it worked. No one picked on me and I was actually popular.

The mask was working, but that’s all it was, a mask.

I was still constantly seeking approval from people, always trying to be what I thought other people thought was cool, not what I actually thought was cool.

About 8 years ago, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD. I was on medication but I took myself off of them when I fell pregnant. I did see a psychiatrist for a number of years, but I'm due to have another evaluation because I tick a lot of the boxes for autism!

This was literally a lightbulb moment! When I found out I could be on the spectrum- everything in my life made sense. And it turns out its really common for women with autism to go under the radar, or be diagnosed with depression, anxiety or bipolar/bpd like I was, and that's it, autism isn't even considered.

I am quite obviously high functioning, but every day scenarios like dealing with my emotions, sensory predicaments and simple socialising are a daily battle for me.

I have done A LOT of self healing and I have made a lot of progress, but I have come to the conclusion that whether I'm one, none, or all of the above , I just don't fit in a box and that's okay!!

I found my release in music, it was a coping mechanism, a world to get lost in.

But this leads me onto the second part of my story. During my music years, I met someone who would change my life.

A narccissist.

As i said before i do believe everything happens in devine order and its all lead me to where I am today. And I don't even hold a grudge towards this person. What's done is done.

And we were actually friends for a long while before getting together, we were best friends in fact, I can't even fault the friendship.

But the relationship was TOXIC!

The mental abuse was off the scale. And he also introduced me to cocaine. Now, in the beginning, it was all fun and games. Parties, recreational and I had no responsibilities in life so I thought why the hell not.

But it became more than that. He got me involved in not only taking it, but selling it too.

The entire relationship became based on that.

And ultimately it was detrimental to my soul.

I didnt even recognise myself. My family didn’t recognise me. It was like I had all these layers of personality I had invented to hide behind, but I couldn’t even remember who I was underneath it all!

I became more and more involved in this crazy lifestyle, so much so I ended up in prison because of it.

Honestly I look back and just think, how could I be so STUPID. It took me so long to admit that I was in a controlling and abusive relationship.

This guy had a hold on me. The kind of hold only a narccissist can have.

This wasnt some teenage crush where i 'loved' him so much and I'd do anything for him. I was a crushed soul, bowing down to a dictator.

I did what he wanted, when he wanted. I didn’t even exist. It was all about him.

My mental state was in pieces.

Im honestly so embarrased to tell people Ive been to jail. I mean even saying the word jail. It makes me cringe. I rarely tell people. There are family members that don’t even know!

But that prison freed me. From the jail that was my own body.

Its almost heartbreaking to think of myself all alone in a cell, no friends or family , but I had time to be on my own. With ME! The actual me, not the me I had been playing the part of for the last god knows how many years.

I honestly remember the day the penny dropped, it was when I put my nose ring back in. It sounds so crazy, but when I put it back in, all the pieces of me started to sort of fall into place too. I wore the clothes I wanted. I wore my hair how I wanted and I was starting to love being me again.

The mask was off! I existed again! And that was a beautiful feeling!

I can’t believe I’d kept up this charade for so many years! I should have been an actress, seriously 😂

So fast forward to today, I have a daughter, My Isabella Amethyst. I honestly love her more than I ever thought was even possible and she has played a major role in me becoming the person I am today, because she deserves me at my best and no less.

Another point to make is… As some one who was too foreign for the white folk; yet too white to be black… my whole life I had never fit in to a ‘group’.

I started researching my ancestral heritage and had a deep spiritual connection with the Italian and Spanish parts of my DNA. I even discovered I had Amerindian and oceanic DNA. Which was amazing and even more soul grabbing for me, it gave me a sense of belonging.

A lot of people say wow jode, you've changed so much!

But i am now, who I actually was before I was pressured in to believing I wasn't good enough as myself! Before I invented a new me, just to fit in with everyone else!

So along with becoming a parent, Ive managed to start my own holistic business too!

I do everything I love now, everything that makes my soul happy. I say yes to my intuition and say no to anything that doesn't serve me. We as women have to learn put ourselves first! We have to learn to trust ourselves, love ourselves and actually learn to be a bit selfish!

Life has given me some lemons, as they say. My world was incredibly sour at times and I have found my self in the darkest of corners, alone. But as clische as it is, after the darkness comes light.

I can wholeheartedly say that although I may not be 'living the dream' I could have been, if I had chosen all the 'right' paths in life, I am infact HAPPY. My soul is content and I am ME.

No matter what any of us have been through in life, we not only grow through it, we can flurish beyond it. These awful things happen to us, but they do not define us.

Sometimes we just have to lose ourselves, to find ourselves.

[stupidtwinkmac]

you asked for my full psychology notes so here they are

i rewatched the entire series and wrote down all the things i thought were relevant to the characters’ psychology, theres probably some stuff missing so message me if you think i should add anything

S1e1- “The Gang Gets Racist”

Dennis wants paddys to stay a gay bar bc he likes getting validation from gay boys

“They’re really more of a blue-green”

S1e3- “Underage Drinking: A National Concern”

Dennis talks about how popular he was in high school and cries a bit when mac and charlie tell him that tim murphy slept with his prom date which is like pretty normal but it foreshadows the high school reunion episode

-

Dee goes out with a high schooler just for the validation and to live out shit she couldn't do in high school

“Wait but ive never statutory raped anyone before”

-

Mac and charlie give high schoolers a keg bc they said that mac and charlie were cool

-

Mac gets jealous that everyone got asked to a high school prom except for him

S1e7- “Charlie Gets Molested”

Mac gets jealous that he didn't get molested

“If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?”

-

charlie got molested by his uncle

S2e4- “Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom”

Dennis gets pissed that people's moms wont fuck him

“Is everyone getting laid but me?”

S2e7- “The Gang Exploits A Miracle”

Dennis starves himself for three days because Dee said his face looked fat

S3e1- “The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby”

Dennis pretends to be a hippie just to fuck some guys girlfriend because he insulted his quaff and called him a narc

S3e2- “The Gang Gets Invincible”

Dee pretends to be a guy to try out for the eagles just to prove that she can

s3e5 - “The Aluminium Monster Vs. Fatty Magoo”

Dennis goes on a Whole Thing to prove that he’s a winner and that he hasn't peaked

“I haven't even begun to peak”,  “make it work dennis… make it work”

S3e6- “The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation”

Dee does the talent show every year to validate herself

S3e11- “Dennis Looks Like A Registered Sex Offender”

Dennis obsesses over his jawline and his weight when people tell him he looks like wendell

-

Mac’s dad gets out of jail and we can see how neglectful his parents are

S4e3- “America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest”

Dennis desperately tries to prove that he’s still hot enough to be on the billboard

“I was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David”

“I realized that i don’t need validation anymore”- proves that he was just doing the billboard stuff bc of a bpd need for validation.

S4e4- “Mac’s Banging the Waitress”

Dennis gets unreasonably upset when he finds out that Charlie doesn't think he’s his best friend

-

Mac bangs the waitress to get back at Charlie for smashing his project badass tapes

S4e5- “Mac and Charlie Die Pt 1”

Dennis gets more upset that Mac and Charlie didn't include him in their suicide pact than he is about them being “dead”

S5e2- “The Gang Hits The Road”

Charlie doesn't want to go on the road trip because he’s never left philly before, he asks dennis to comfort him about his fears of bad things happening and people being assholes, he eventually freaks out and asks the hitchhiker to drop him back off at the bar

S5e10- “The D.E.N.N.I.S System”

Dennis believes that his manipulation actually makes girls fall in love with him

S6e2- “Dennis Gets Divorced”

Charlie gets real uncomfy when uncle jack tries to hug him

S6e5- “Mac and Charlie: White Trash”

Dennis tries desperately to prove that he’s high class

S6e6- “Mac’s Mom Burns Her House Down”

Charlie’s mom has OCD and Charlie also starts to pick it up

“Why are you doing everything in threes?” “Oh. So Charlie doesn't die.”

“...just playing it safe. She's been doing it. I'm still alive. Can't be crazy” “ It does feel good to do stuff in threes.”

S6e8- “The Gang Gets a New Member”

Dee gets incredibly insecure when she opens the time capsule and hasn't done what she wanted to do when she was a kid

-

Charlie gets super insecure when he thinks smitty is replacing him

S6e10- “Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats”

Charlie doesn't like leaving the bar and going out into the world

“Dee, I go to a movie or a spaghetti place with you, and out there, I'm the rat.”

Charlie has a panic attack in a sauna

“I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?” “No, you're not, Charlie.” “ I'm a rat in here! I'm a rat! I'm trapped like a - I gotta get out of here.” “I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank, 'cause I'm trapped like a rat.” Just bash me like a rat! Bash me like a rat and get it over with!”

S6e11- “The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods”

Charlie has to be knocked out with a sack over his head to be able to go to Atlantic City

“This is why i don’t leave philly alright cause when you leave philly, bad shit happens”

-

Mac starves himself for chase utley

-

“If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die at any time very quickly by the side of the road”

S6e12- “Dee Gives Birth”

Dennis yells at a nurse about Dee’s stories like he’s a god

“I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds!”

-

Dee berates guys until they have sex with her

S7e1- “Frank’s Pretty Woman”

Mac gains a ton of weight and calls it packing on mass

“I went from tiny twink to the muscle bound freak you see before you”

-

Dennis admits to starving himself and literally constantly working out

“I may look relaxed but im incredibly tense at all times”

S7e2- “The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore”

Mac knocks carlie out with chloroform to get him to the jersey shore

S7e6- “The Storm of the Century”

Dennis writes a contract for the girls he plans to invite to his rape bunker

S7e7- “Chardee Macdennis: The Game of Games

Mac says that Dee tried to kill herself

S7e10- “How Mac Got Fat”

Charlie gets overwhelmed and goes in the crevice

-

Mac blames everyone else for making him fat

-

Dennis does dumb shit because he’s self conscious about getting old and looking bad

“I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me” “what expectations?” “physical perfection”

The entire chemical peel scene is a good representation of his mental disorders

S7e12- “The High School Reunion”

Dee tries to be friends with the popular people from school to validate herself

-

Mac got bullied and dealt drugs in high school

-

Charlie got bullied in school and huffed glue in the bathroom

“Everyone wants dirtgrub i'll give them dirtgrub okay i'll get high i'll get sad people can laugh at me i hate highschool man”

S7e13- “The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang’s Revenge”

The entire golden god meltdown

“Its fetish shit i like to bind i like to be bound”

“You would just come around saying shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap and referring to all of us as your minions” “You always acted like you were better than everyone else but then you would just go and hang out with ronnie the rat or dirtgrub under the bleachers”

S8e5- “The Gang Gets Analyzed”

Dennis tries to analyze the therapist

-

Mac has some real severe mood swings

The therapist talks to him about body dysmorphia

-

Dennis giving mac “size pills”

Dennis keeps psychology profiles on everyone in the gang, he started dee’s in the 2nd grade

-

Dee’s entire “tell me i’m good” scene

S8e6- “Charlie’s Mom Has Cancer”

Dennis having trouble feeling throughout the entire episode until the “my mommy’s a skeleton” “i feel to much” scene

-

Charlie being incredibly overwhelmed the entire episode, (rubbing his head at Dr. Jinx’s, Getting real upset at church)

S8e7- “Frank’s Back in Business”

Dennis pretending to be brian lefevre

“I want you to get off with me” “This is about crawling into another man’s skin”

S8e8- “Charlie Rules the World”

The entire “I Am God” sensory deprivation tank scene

Dennis blowing himself could also be symbolic but it could also just be a bit

S9e3- “The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award”

Mac getting really defensive about slight banter “i've had tons of orgasms i've had one with your mom”

S9e5- “Mac Day”

Mac is not okay with being upstaged by country mac when he jumps off the bridge and offers people weed

“there's nothing badass about breaking the law”

S9e6- “The Gang Saves the Day”

Macs fantasy is about everyone admiring his badass karate skills and dennis crying over his dead body saying that he loves him

-

Dee’s fantasy is about killing every man in the room and finally being appreciated for her acting skills and marrying someone who doesn't call her a bird

-

Dennis’ fantasy is about surviving a bullet to the head at point blank range and killing his idea of the perfect woman

S9e7- “The Gang Gets Quarantined”

Charlie’s mom got him vaccinated way too often and made him wear bubble boy suits during flu season, Charlie also still has the suits for some reason

-

“I am in perfect control of my body, if i felt myself getting sick i would simply say SICKNESS BE GONE”

*sustains a perfect G5* “does that sound like a man who needs to be in the hospital”

S10e2- “The Gang Group Dates”

Dennis obsesses over his star rating on a dating app

“I AM A FIVE STAR MAN”

-

Dee has one night stands with a whole lot of guys that she’s not really into just to give them one star ratings

S10e3- “Psycho Pete Returns”

Dennis does a whole psychopath monologue about skin luggage

“You haven't thought of the smell you bitch”

He gets diagnosed with BPD and gets medication

S10e6- “The Gang Misses the Boat”

Dennis’ whole range rover speech

S10e8- “The Gang Goes On Family Fight”

Dennis breaks down crying because of the buzzer

-

Dee starves herself to look good for the camera

S10e10- “Ass Kickers United; Mac and Charlie Join a Cult”

Dennis tries to prove that he’s the best at manipulating people

S11e3- “The Gang Hits the Slopes”

Charlie brings up his agoraphobia shit again

“See, this is why I don't like leaving Philly, man. This is nuts.”

S11e4- “Dee Made a Smut Film”

Dennis got raped by a librarian in high school when he was 14

“I was in an older woman that’s cool right?”

S11e9- “The Gang Goes to Hell”

Dee manipulates guys into having sex with her

“So ill insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his and he got a call from the sheriff”

S11e10- “The Gang Goes to Hell: Part Two”

Charlie has a panic attack about the boat sinking and dennis calms him down

“I knew I shouldn't have come on this cruise. I knew it! I mean, it used to be I would never even leave Philly! And then, you know, you guys drag me to this, you drag me to that, and next thing I know, I-I'm stuck in a box on a sinking ship!”

-

Dennis keeps onions in his pocket so that he can cry when he needs to

S12e3- “Old Lady House: A Situation Comedy”

Bonnie doing everything in threes so that charlie doesn't die

-

“I just can't enjoy it when the people being filmed, know they're being filmed”

S12e7- “PTSDee”

Charlie and dennis bonding over their trauma

-

Dee tries to ruin a guys life bc he said she was his rock bottom

S12e8- “The Gang Tends Bar”

“I have big feelings, and it hurts”

[destrction-blog]

◜ –––   PENELOPE MITCHELL / CISFEMALE / 25. meet alexis gondringer. they’re a bouncer at 7-0-8. they’ve lived in chicago for eighteen years. they’re known as the determinator, because she’s vivacious and flighty.

now here’s ALEXIS, ur local messy blonde. goes by lex or lexy, just tryna live her best life. 

                                                    i.    aesthetic.

she is the feeling you get when you step too close to a fire. messy blonde hair and tired eyes bearing a glimmer of mischief. contagious laughter and the feeling you have lying under the night sky. vodka mixed with something sweet. cut - off shorts and flirting with the risks in life. she’s a flame burning bright and hot ;   maybe destined to burn out too soon.

pinterest boiiii.

character inspiration: lexi branson, hayes morrison, sara lance, margo roth spiegelman, christina yang, peyton sawyer, kat edison. a lil bit of heather davis and gina linetti.

                                                 ii.    background.

so alexis grew up in a divorced family. it’s almost sitcom - worthy, how amicable the divorce has become. after her younger sister was born when lexy was five, zane gondringer and macey dutka's relationship went down the shitter. they stayed together for a couple years following her birth, even moving to chicago from the suburbs to see if it would help. but a year after the move, they finally divorced. it was a very dramatic affair, full of thrown hair dryers and “i never really loved you, you piece of shit”s and threats to take the children. they became known in the neighborhood for their theatrical fights, tbh. so safe to say it was a big ordeal when they divorced, and once it went through, the south side celebrated right alongside them in their newfound freedom from each other. the bars were really popping that night, 19 years ago.      (  and still do on the anniversary of their divorce. it’s a good excuse to drink, really  )

from there on out the gondringer girls spent their years bouncing back and forth between parents only semi - fit to raise children. their mother was a drunk and suffered from bpd that went untreated, eventually affecting her relationship with her children. though lexy and her mom had never been particularly close, alexis really sealed the deal when, at fourteen years old in front of a room of witnesses, she chose to live with her dad on a more permanent basis. sure, he wasn’t perfect --- with his fake hippie outlook and random disappearing acts to travel and penchance for gambling (honestly i imagine him being like the it’s always sunny in philadelphia crew where he scams ppl and generally is a Bad Person but anywhomst) --- but he was still the parent she was closest to. her sister continued the back and forth for five more years. and when she chose, she chose to stay with their mom.

years have passed and zane and macey still don’t particularly get along, but they do get lunch every week to talk about the girls. so pleasant. damn.

honestly her upbringing was full of shenanigans and dysfunctional family moments and illegal activity and her dad’s rotating door of girlfriends

one time he deadass dated an actual, literal hitwoman for the mob in chicago. lexy and zane are here for a good time not a long time!!!!

SO NOW AT 25 she’s working at the 7 - 0 - 8 as a bouncer. tiny n fighty. lives in an apartment with probably 2 - 3 other people so there’s a connection there somewhere. always having to help her dad out of some ridiculous situation. drives this rundown ass car but BET if she’s ever gonna give valerie up!!!! 

there’s probably some things i’m missing here but that’s the gist of it y’all

                                                 iii.    personality.

she’s so lively and outgoing!!! incredibly social. loves fun and adventures

a lil agressive, 300lbs of fight me in a 140lb body

doesn’t know how to properly deal with her emotions!!!!

has a tendency to run when things get too hard or serious, it’s what she does

flighty as all hell tbh

epitome of “do as i say not as i do” bc she gives great advice but bet she won’t follow any of it herself ever and don’t call her out on that bc she’ll ignore you

seems carefree, but is probably actually worrying about fifteen different things at any given moment

incredibly blunt, she’ll tell you what you need to hear vs what you wanT to hear

nosy, loves playing therapist bc SHE may be playing emotional whack a mole but that doesn’t mean every else should!!

loves taking risks, v daring, a tad reckless and impulsive. impetuous

any emotions other than positive ones? cancelled

sorta unreliable ?? sorta irresponsible ?? gets it from her parents. it’s subtle though, but enough that it causes problems

which is problematic bc she’s too self - reliant for that

SHE MEANS WELL OK SHE HAS A GOOD HEART

the kind of personality and smile you could pick out of a line - up

really is trying to be a better person tho

                                                   iv.    fun shit.

wants nothing more than to spend her life traveling around the usa

really into photography and painting!!!! her hidden talents. she has her pictures and polaroids and half - finished paintings all over her apartment

ripped jeans and fishnets are the move

hates wearing bras, would sooner wear a bralette or nothing

mild bisexual, as in v selective abt the guys she’s attracted to and will sleep with, mostly prefers women

indulgent, likes the finer things in life like pretty women and cheap vodka

mastered the perfect winged eyeliner

dance dance revolution and mario kart champion

insomnia city

                                                iv.    connections.

roommates!!! girl gang!!!!

flings

friends pls

dynamic inspired by stefan and lexi, i love a legendary friendship

her SISTER

dealer

idk more to come eventually