thepr0blemch1ld

[thepr0blemch1ld]

My Recovery Story (Part 3/Last Part)

I was very traumatized after going through a lot of pain with my abuser, and being slandered online by him to his 41,000 TikTok followers. I was smear campaigned and harassed, and he told everyone that I had raped him when in reality he had raped me. He was a great actor, and put on a sweet loving act that caused people to believe him instead of me. I was the unstable girl, the crazy girl, and everyone turned on me. I confided in my Dad about what had happened, and he looked at me and asked me “Well did you rape him?”. I was so hurt by this. I couldn't believe that he thought so lowly of me that he really believed I would be capable of doing this. I told him everyone was turned against me and didn't believe me, and he questioned me after I told him how much it hurt to have everyone think that I could do something like that. I spent about a year in and out of rehab. In Aprifoof 2022 I reached the lowest point I had ever been in. I was doing meth all day daily, and I was in a state of psychosis that was so bad that I couldn't leave the house. I was crying constantly and extremely paranoid, and one night I ran away with a suitcase at 3am thinking my roomate had called the cops on me. I was miserable and felt so alone. I had enough, and I checked myself into detox. I stayed sober for over a year, and I grew a lot as a person. I started to become more self aware about my BPD, and I was working full-time for the first time. I was independent and thriving. After a year of being in sober living, I decided it was time for me to move out. I wanted to move in with my boyfriend of 4 years (at the time), but I knew I needed to save first. My parents offered for me to move in with them to save money, and I agreed to. What a mistake that was…

I was doing well living with my parents at first, and was able to stay sober. But slowly I started to become sick mentally from living in a house where so much pain had happened. In June of 2023 I decided to use cocaine, thinking that it would be a one time thing. I spiraled out of control very quickly. When I told my Dad after he had been questioning me for a couple weeks, he acted like he was here to support me. But he immediately became vindictive and controlling. He started to try and force me into having conversations where he guilt tripped me and tried to trigger me into arguing with him so that he could walk away feeling like he was more powerful than me. For about a week he would walk into my room early in the morning and ask if I was ok over and over again, mocking me until I woke up and got upset. I would tell him it was inappropriate and a violation of my privacy, and he would laugh at me and call me ridiculous then storm out and walk around the house loudly sighing. I was on Life360 with my family at the time, and he used it to closely watch me. I did Uber Eats for a while, and he hated that I had the freedom to drive around town so he would call me every time I was working and try and convince me to stop. I would tell him every time that I am the one paying for my bills, I own my car, and I am allowed to do a side gig if I want to. He did not stop, and would whine every time I left the house to do Uber. At one point during a phone call he got really nasty and told me “you should never had kids”, knowing that I want to be a mom one day so badly. This hurt me to my core. I had started to leave the house every chance I get if I wasn't at work, because I couldn't stand being in the same house as him. One day I was parked in a parking lot, sitting in my sadness. My Dad tracked down the exact parking spot I was in, and showed up to where I was unannounced. He walked up to my car and just opened my car door as if it was his, and immediately started to guilt trip me. I told him to never show up to my location unannounced again, and that it was a violation of my boundaries. He did not allow me to have boundaries though, and didn't care, just like he didn't stop waking me up by mocking me even though I told him every time to stop. I got kicked out after a couple weeks of them knowing I was using, despite me keeping it out of the house and going to meetings and working towards getting myself clean. I was relieved, even though I was not prepared financially at all. I moved in with my boyfriend and his mom, and I immediately started doing way better. After two days of living there, I put down the cocaine and started to thrive. I was finally living in a healthy loving environment with my amazing boyfriend, and it gave me the strength to quit.

A few days after I had gotten clean I went to my friend’s apartment to hang out with her, and I spent the night. I was still on Life360 with my family at this point. The next morning I got a bunch of spam calls from my Dad, and him texting me asking where I was. I told him I was at my friend’s apartment, and that I didn't want to talk. About 30 minutes later, I got a couple more calls from him. I got frustrated and answered, and he told me that he was AT THE APARTMENT COMPLEX. He told me to come out to his car to have a talk, because he just loved to force me into talks where he guilt tripped me and tried to prove I was wrong in some way. I refused, and told him that this was a complete violation and I had already told him to never do this again after he did it the first time. He insisted that I needed to go to rehab and that he was going to take me, even though I literally was not in an addiction anymore. He became extremely angry after I told him off, and screamed in the most violent way “FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. YOU TORMENT EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE. GO GET YOUR OWN HELP” and then hung up. My Mom then proceeded to call my boyfriends mom and tell her all of my problems, in an attempt to get her to kick me out onto the streets after they already had kicked me out so that I would be forced to go to a rehab that I did NOT need. I told them that I had had enough, and I stopped talking to them for a week. My boyfriends mom was extremely supportive, and instead of having a talk where she shamed me, she told me that she understood because she used to have an addiction to food and that she was here for me and I just needed to continue to work on my recovery like I had when I had a year of sobriety and that she didn't want to see me hit a bottom again. I cried and cried when talking to her because I had never had a parent figure show that they cared about my emotions so much before. I began to keep my distance from my family and went low contact, and I felt like I could finally breathe.

I relapsed for about a month on meth, because I was forced to do Uber 12 hours a day every day after losing my job in order to stay 2 weeks late on my bills. I couldn't find another job that paid enough for my bills and I felt like I was chained to Uber. I couldn't keep up the energy and motivation needed for Uber and it was extra painful because of my unmedicated ADHD, so I turned to street stimulants. I finally got a job as a pizza delivery driver, and started making a lot of money. I found a doctor who was willing to treat my ADHD as long as I passed a drug test and was clean from meth, and he was ok with me smoking weed before bed every night. I had never met a doctor willing to listen to me about how if my ADHD was treated it would help me to stop self medicating with street stimulants, and finally someone heard me and even agreed with me. It took a couple months for me to get clean in order to pass a drug test because I was dependent on meth, and I was scared to be without it. I finally got myself clean and I stuck it out through the detox and the cravings. I passed a drug test after a week, and I got an appointment set up for a month later. I was really happy the first month of being clean and I started performing even better at my job and got a reputation for being a great and fast closer. I spent a lot of quality time with my boyfriend when I wasn't working. I had started to dream about going to college whenever I was in a period of using meth, and I began to want it more and more. I found a college online that was meant for working adults so that I would be able to work full-time and continue to support myself. I had to fight my parents to put their information on my financial aid form while they happily filled it out immediately for my sister. They were trying to sabotage me going anywhere in life, because they resented me so much for being so troubled. Finally they put their information in, and I was able to get approved for financial aid. My parents had always told me that my college would be paid for in full, but they refused to now that I had so many problems, despite how hard I had worked to build my life back up again and how much I had fought to keep going. They didn't understand that I could have given up and that it was so easy to because of the pain, but I made the choice to keep fighting for myself. They were going to be paying for my sister's college in full, but wouldn't even help with $50 for an application. They make over 400k a year, so they were absolutely able to help, but they felt I didn't deserve it, as if me struggling was purposely to hurt them. I set up a payment plan for whatever financial aid didn't cover, and my start date was set for May 1st. I started Vyvanse, and I was thriving on it.

My Dad had continued to bully me throughout my time living with my boyfriend. He would insult me, put me down, make digs, then guilt trip me and become clingy when I pulled away. I told him about my excitement for school and he put down the school I was going to, saying the one he went to would be better, despite it being extremely expensive and meant for privileged people who didn't have to work to stay afloat. Every time I would talk about school my parents would go silent, and they showed no excitement for me. Meanwhile they were making my sister going to college a huge deal, talking about it constantly, taking her on a dorm shopping spree, traveling to different states just so she could see different colleges in person, and paying for over 10 applications for her. I told them that it hurt me that they were minimizing what I was doing and that I felt like they were emotionally abandoning me. They gaslit me and told me that they supported me, and made me question if I was being ungrateful. I continued to be rejected and my hurt grew more and more. I begged them to at least pretend they cared, and they couldn't even do that. At one point I met my mom for coffee, and she told me she was "too busy supporting _ to support me” and then proceeded to talk about how no one cares about her feelings and she sacrifices so much for other people as a way to make me feel like I was being inconsiderate. She told me it was the wrong time for me to college, as if I was supposed to put my life on hold just so my sister could shine even brighter. I had enough of my Dad's bullying at a certain point, especially after I had realized he was a narcissist. I told him that I would no longer tolerate it, and I blocked him.

I started college on May 1st. I was doing really good, despite hurting a lot from the way my parents were treating me. I was so excited on my first day of school, and immediately dived into the work. I spent all day hoping that my Mom would show that she cared, and ask me how my first day of school went. I got nothing but silence on this day that was so huge for me. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and at 10pm I texted her talking about how my school was developing a graduate program that I wanted to do after I got my Bachelor’s. I hoped that she would ask me about my first day of school if I put it right in her face, and she did. It didn't feel the same though, and I was still disappointed knowing that I had to throw school in her face for her to ask. I started to embrace the fact that I had family with my boyfriend and his mom. I had never gotten emotional support or unconditional love or respect from my family, and living with two amazing people who gave all of that to me was eye opening for just how much I had been cheated. I have continued to do really well, and I'm super ahead in my class. I unblocked my Dad because my Mom guilted me into it, but I am low contact. I made it clear that I will block him again if he does not change his behavior, and he has been giving me the silent treatment, most likely because he can't contain his disdain for me when he's talking to me. My Mom continues to not show any interest in my college journey, but my boyfriend’s mom has told me she is proud of me and makes an effort to ask me about school. I went to my parents house for Mother's Day and came home crying because of the rejecting energy from everyone, and my boyfriend's mom told me “you should never feel the way you're feeling after being with family", and told me that while they aren't a replacement for my family, she is always here for me and I am her family. I am waiting for the day that I am eligible for my works health insurance so that I can get my own and no longer have anything keeping me dependent on my family. In November of 2025 when I am able to sign up, I will be going no contact with my family. I have had enough of the hurt and it continues to mess with my head, but I'm starting to be able to cope better. I like my job, I love school, my medication is a life saver, I have an amazing 5 year relationship and will be able to get engaged after he graduates next summer, I have his mom as support, I am staying clean, and I am doing a lot of work on myself right now. My life has been really chaotic and I have a lot of trauma, and I still struggle with BPD and some of my trauma but I am moving on to a new phase of life. I am thankful to be in the place that I am in. I am really hurt by my family, but I can't change that they are my family and I just have to continue to hold up boundaries and keep my distance. I am writing all of this just to get it out, and if you have read any of this, thank you for listening to my long story.

[thepr0blemch1ld]

Problem Child (Part 2)

I have always and will always be the scapegoat, the problem child. None of my siblings defend me, and they normalize the dynamic because they have been brainwashed to view me as the inferior “bad” one in the family. My parents are extremely emotionally manipulative, and controlling. My Dad is the narcissist, and my mom is the enabler. I have really struggled with my mental health, and as soon as that started I became even more of a burden to them. I was raped at 14 and my Mom punished me with no more sleepovers. I was groomed online to send nudes to a grown man at 13, and when they found out they screamed at me and took me out of school for days. I had to take mental health days from school because I was suicidal, and my Mom got angry with me for calling my friends while they were at lunch, saying “you know this is all because of you, right?”. When I was 17 I had psychosis for the first time, and it was extremely traumatizing. Later on I was diagnosed as bipolar, which explained why this had happened to me. I was in psychotic episodes every night for 16 days straight, seeing shadow people surrounding my bed, hearing voices telling me to kill myself, seeing and feeling spiders crawling all over me and the walls. My parents didn't believe me that this wasn't caused by some sort of drug, and tried to blame it on vaping nicotine. Later on they told me they believed I was on acid, which is ridiculous because no one is able to trip on acid for 16 nights straight. My therapist had to threaten to call CPS on them for them to take me to the hospital, and when they drug tested me there the results came back as only testing positive for Xanax, which I had bought from school because it was the only thing that helped me calm down during these episodes, and my Mom refused to let me take my as needed Xanax even though it was prescribed to me because I was in a state of crisis. After this period of psychosis, my parents did not support me in any way. I was traumatized, and I was afraid of being alone at night because that was when the episodes happened. I started to drink every night before bed in order to help ease my anxiety. I spiraled out of control quickly, and drank their entire liquor cabinet in 3 days. Now the focus was on the alcohol use, instead of the mental health problems underneath. They punished me and searched every inch of my room daily, and took me out of school to lock me in my room alone. I continued to try and find ways to drink, because I had found something that worked for me and made me feel better. I was put into an IOP for teen drug addicts, where I met my abuser. COVID happened, and I became even more depressed while locked in the house with my parents. This was the start of years of addiction, of rock bottom then building my life up only to spiral down to rock bottom again.

[thepr0blemch1ld]

Golden Child (Part 1)

From the moment you came into this world, you were the light of their life.

October 11th, 2005. Born in San Francisco, California. I remember bringing you my Ariel doll and a cookie, riding up the elevator in the hospital. I placed the doll next to you in your crib, while you were fast asleep. Mom was exhausted and lying down, as I stared at your little face. "Do we get to take him home?” I asked, and my parents laughed.

I don't remember much from my toddler years, most of my memories are with my Dad. My Mom was in graduate school while I was young, and I spent a lot of time exploring San Francisco with my Dad. We lived in Noe Valley, a cute little neighborhood outside of downtown. I loved to go to the bakery with my Dad, and I have a memory of begging him for a cupcake until he gave in. He used to carry me on his shoulders and walk me up the hill after I rode my scooter to the bottom. We would go on sushi dates, and swim classes. He would take me to Target to play pretend in the kid sized houses, with me not knowing that you could actually buy them until one day he decided to get me one of my own.

My earliest memory of my Mom is a painful one. I remember she was holding my brother (now sister), and she told me I could put a pacifier in her mouth. I had done so with my dolls, so I was confident in my ability to do it. I reached out to put it in her mouth, and she thought I was being too rough so she swatted my hand away and yelled at me. She clutched my new sibling in her arms and stared me down, as if I was evil. I can still feel the shame and sadness of being rejected.

My Mom always loved my sister more than me. About a year after she had me, she got pregnant with a baby boy. She decided to name him “Emerson”, and was delighted to be having another child. One day her world shattered when she miscarried my soon to be brother. She was heart broken, and started going to therapy to cope with the pain. Her therapist told her to write his name on a piece of paper, and bury it under the ground. She couldn't do it, and wasn't ready to let go. She found out she was pregnant not long after, with my sister. "I needed my Emerson” she said when she told me the story. My Mom renamed her new baby “Emerson”, and she became her miracle child. From that moment on, I would never be able to compete. I was a hyperactive and sensitive toddler, a complete wild child. My parents and I didn't find out that I had ADHD until I was 17 years old. I was always too much for my Mom to handle. I would cry when people would laugh together, thinking they were laughing at me. I demanded a lot of attention, and needed a lot of emotional support that my parents were not equipped to give. My sister was a calm, collected child. She didn't demand emotional support, and was shy and sweet. I was not the kind of child that my Mom wanted, and she clung onto my sister while rejecting me whenever I had any sort of strong emotion.

I remember one meltdown I had when I was 5 years old, where she completely emotionally abandoned me. I was friends with a girl on my bus, and we used to play her DS together. One day she had a birthday party, and I was really hurt when a big group of her friends all got off together at her stop while I sat in the back alone. When I got to my stop, my mom picked me up in her car, ready to take me to gymnastics. I was inconsolable at that point, crying and feeling like she didn't care about me. I told my mom what happened, and she assumed that it was just her class that had been invited, and wouldn't listen to me when I told her it was her friends. She started to get angry at me for crying, and told me to stop. I couldn't calm down and continued to cry, and she got so angry that she told me if I didn't stop crying she would take me out of gymnastics. I loved gymnastics so much, but I could not calm down. "Ok then, you're done” she said, and she drove me home as I continued to cry even harder after being told I was no longer able to go to my favorite after school activity. I was shown no empathy, and my feelings weren't validated. I was punished for hurting, when she knew I was a sensitive child and any other kid would be upset too.

My Dad is a narcissist, and he got worse when his Dad passed away in 2006. He found out about his overdose while we were in the airport, about to get on a flight to move to Texas. He used to drink red wine in excess every night during dinner, and things would get heated after dinner. We would annoy him by laughing and being kids, and he couldn't stand us. He would get drunk and rage at us, getting physical and verbally abusing us. I was the main target of this, because my then brother could do no wrong. He would chase me down and scream at me, letting all of his pent up rage and pain out. "You're a selfish entitled brat!" he said one night, after cornering me in the bathroom that I had ran away to. I always fought back, and would scream at him to stop and leave me alone. This would make things worse as I would get punished for “talking back”, when I was just trying to defend myself against his abuse. Where was my Mom during all of this? Funny you should ask. As soon as he started to spiral, she would disappear. She would walk out of the room, and allow him to unleash his rage. She didn't want to be the target, so she sacrificed her children to avoid being uncomfortable or dealing with any sort of emotion. I had no one but myself to protect me, and that has never changed when it comes to my family.