#he always feels with all of himself
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Okay but I was just thinking, and I don't know how much Allen will feel like he just got back a bunch of memories and feelings he'd long lost after this flashback or if he'll only feel like he's just watched a movie about two people who are apparently him, but if he actually wakes up and feels what he just saw how's he even gonna feel remebering p!Lavi and all the time he spent with him and the final moments where he sacrificed himself for him, that's the man that was his only constant for a decade? over a decade? his best friend and family and soulmate? and now he's part of him?
he's had these memories locked inside of him for his whole second life and lived in blessed ignorance until now, and he drank that poison convinced he was gonna find out about neah and his ties and bonds with him, and instead now he wakes up with the knowledge that he had a whole other half that is now literally his other half how's he even gonna deal with that. How's that even gonna feel?? Boy I can't wait for April's chapter...
#i think it would be raising my hopes too high to expect for him to think about lavi immediately too#but what if he does?#what if he recognized lavi in p!lavi and p!lavi in lavi?#how would i survive it???#though aside from that#even if he doesn't think of lavi#I'm so curious to see what his reaction to all of this is gonna be...#allen always feels so big#he always feels with all of himself#he was watching kanda's memories and losing himself in the pain I can't even imagine what watching his own past is doing to him#gooooddddd i need that next chapter now 🤲 hoshino pls 🤲🤲
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you mean nothing to me
#transformers#transformers one#megatron wins custody au#megatron#bumblebee#b 127#maccadam#ough they make me so sad#i have soo many thoughts about them...#my AU is not happy at all sorry#bee isnt a decipticon hes basically factionless at the moment he just wants to be with megatron#megatron just hates him so much#bee reminds him of everything that he hated so much about himself#hed think about bee down there in sub level 50 for so long and he would just get so angry#his eyes that r still blue and remind him of the autobots of the miners of elita of orion#why wont they change color#why are they still blue#is he going to leave to join the autobots...?#his stupid son that he hates so much but he actually really does 😭#he just has so many mixed feelings on him#and bee is always trying to be a voice of reason and it just frustrates him even more#bee by no means has any decipticon values...#he doesnt agree with megatron he just didnt want him to be alone#i have so many brain worms that i want to share with all of u...
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shadow milk finding pv when he was healer cookie is so interesting to me, and full of drama
#this is why it was embarrassing that i didnt read the ask properly cries look at all the drawings i did#but yes i think smilk would immediately integrate himself into pvs life if he forgot everything#a juicier version of this au would be if smilk pretended he Always knew pv and pv just forgot him#which is absolutely something that blue bastard would do but alas#feel smilk would inherently be a little more possessive and clingy of healer cookie what with how vulnerable he is in this state#not to mention the denial of seeing the truth oh smilk would LOVE it#anyways everyone should read biscuitlabyrinths writing its great and perfect and i think abt it daily#shadow milk cookie#pure vanilla cookie#crk fanart#crk au#shadowvanilla#pureshadow#my drawbs
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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Burning Rotten Bridges
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#mianmian#nie mingjue#jin guangyao#JGY is nothing but outwardly calm and carrying on his duties as the chair for the meeting#but in that small pause after Nie Mingjue commemorates Mianmian for leaving...you can feel the tension.#Because Nie Mingjue comes from a place of privilege. He's always been in a position where his legitimacy and political standing-#-were never challenged. He didn't have to fight for respect. He was born into this world respected.#For people like Mianmian and JGY who clawed their way up from the bottom...this is a huge deal.#Truth be told I have a lot of things to say about what it means and feels to be in a position where leaving is messy.#There are times where the situation is bad but to leave means that those years of your life will have been for nothing.#That all the other suffering incurred will be fruitless. So you just *keep going*. Because it *has* to be worth it.#Because going back to what you were before is even more terrifying than the hell you are boiling in.#My concrete example for this is post-grad academia.#Because that cohort will have spent over a decade pursuing a goal and leaving means...well...it means throwing away those years.#It means losing (likely nearly all) your connections. It means going into debt you'll never pay off.#It means putting up with some pretty heinous abuse from your supervisor because what are you suppose to do? Leave?#Leaving is for those with the privilege to have options.#And even if you do have options...#Ultimately we would rather love the pain we know than risk the unknown. Hoping it's worth it one day.#With that mindset established; never say JGY should have just left like Mianmian. He couldn't. This was what he dedicated his life to.#He never had the option. Even if it seemed like he did - no he did not. He never conceived this ending ever happening for himself.
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Part two of the reverse verse is here! The reverse boys meet the original boys. They're not really getting along as well as I had hoped...
Again, this was a commission for @i-am-as-normal-as-you-are and they asked for angst/funny vibes... I think it's mostly just angst though. Oh, well...
Part one
#dead boy detectives#dbda#payneland#edwin x charles#reverse verse#there's a lot i could say about this one#the idea of someone telling edwin he's go to hell is absurd as it is#edwin telling edwin? lmao#the charles... oh they hate each other#reverse charles is angry (he always is) because this other version of himself was spared hell... in exchange for edwin going there?#obviously it doesn't work like that. og charles hadn't even been born when his edwin was sent to hell#but anger is not a rational thing. especially not for this boy#og charles? you don't want to know what he's thinking#i'm telling you anyways#he... kind of agrees. if someone had to go to hell#why edwin? why not him? there is an universe in which that happened#so why not this one? unfair#then again... look at this charles who did go to hell#he's explosive. he's DANGEROUS#he shouldn't be near edwin#if og charles had gone to hell would he be the same? would he be too angry to be trusted? would he be like his father?#and if so would that really count as saving edwin at all?#if this is the kind of best friend poor edwin would end up with?#on a happier note though#physical contact!! reverse charles loves it#i don't have all the details but his hell was on the rage ring so it was different to the dollhouse.#and it was a very violent place so boy loves gentle touches#luckily edwin is more willing to give them to him with each year#i think what the edwins are feeling is a lot more clear#but still would love to hear your thoughts
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i'm rewatching the night and the fury because it's one of my favorite dagur-related episodes, and,

the look on dagur's face when he declares hiccup his enemy and hiccup accepts it without hesitation, lowkey hurts me.
i mean



his expression changes from anger to surprise to upset.
it makes me think some part of dagur was hoping for hiccup to object to it, to say they were still brothers or something like that, and that it pained him to hear hiccup didn't actually care.
dagur made such a big deal out of them being brothers, and I think he expected hiccup to feel the same, which probably made the "betrayal" worse for him, fueling his anger and need for revenge. in his eyes, hiccup didn't even fight for their brotherhood, picking a dragon over him with no hesitation, and it enraged him.
#from what we see in rtte dagur never had any friends either and was bullied growing up#he hits all those hallmarks of a troubled teen with an inferiority complex that he hides with an overcompensating superiority mindset#i mean... the excessive competitiveness. attention-seeking. always finding fault in others. sensitive to criticism. aggression#especially seeing how much he changes later in rtte and his introspection of himself#you can't help but feel bad for him#httyd#hiccup haddock#race to the edge#rtte#dagur#dagur the deranged#the night and the fury#how to train your dragon
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i never know how to phrase it but something about the way beatles biographers and people in general view paul's reflexive placating persona and determination to smooth things over as manipulative or duplicitous and john's reflexive barbed persona and habit of lashing out as brave and subversive despite both being equally defensive mechanisms to shield themselves from the world that resulted in them saying things that weren't true says more about how we culturally view kindness or friendliness as inherently untrustworthy or flimsy and anger and carelessness as more believable as someone's true nature than it says about either of them in actuality
#the beatles#john lennon#paul mccartney#mclennon#idk if im explaining this well but it always gives me whiplash to read how 'beatles historians' elsewhere view them#bc it seems like for all that theyre able to make the simple connection between johns past and trauma to his behavior#as a protective mechanism to shield him from vulnerability#far fewer people make the equally reasonable connection between pauls past#with parents that never said i love you to each other or told their children about a serious illness#and an adult paul who doesnt examine his own feelings much less speak candidly about them#or stories like mike mccartney talking about being beaten by jim while paul yelled at him to just say that he 'didnt do it' so it would sto#and an adult paul who has clearly internalized the basic cause and effect of the things you say and the consequences that come from them#and how the truth is less relevant in those situations than the obvious path of least resistance that will spare you needless pain#idk i have a lot of thoughts and feelings on how people see paul mccartney#i want to shake some of these biographers and be like this mid-20s kid experiencing a level of scrutiny and pressure#the world had never seen before#was not puppeteering everything to meet his vision#he was trying to protect himself and his friends from the very real danger of public perception!!#my posts
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"Kevin isn't that bad it's not like he beats her, why does she need to kill him or fake her death, just get divorced" you are the point of the show, you are missing the crucial reveal. Allison sees Kevin in every single scene as she does their last scene together, but we as the audience aren't privy to that and we only see sitcom Kevin which is Kevin's self perception. He is not suddenly becoming scary and threatening to her. He was like that the whole time. We only see Allison's feelings about Kevin and the aftermath of her interactions with Kevin -- this is the ONLY time we see Kevin from her POV except for the brief initial breaking of the sitcom cam. Every other time we see Kevin on screen it's from Kevin's POV. Even after she cuts her hand we only see the bandage in her singular pov when she is away from kevin, but when it shifts back to sitcom Kevin it's gone.... We do not see the reality of her interactions with Kevin, that's the point of the show!!! Because when Kevin is on screen, it's Kevin's world! We only see Kevin from anyone else's lens in ONE scene at the end, which is when Allison decides to leave, so yes the sitcom cam "softens his abuse" but it also just fully acts as an unreliable narration because we never literally see Kevin from anyone else's POV until the series finale so every time Kevin is on screen it isn't even an accurate portrayal of what's happening, it's Kevin's perception of what's happening. Allison has viewed him like that the entire show, we as the audience just did not get to witness that POV until the end
#personal#this is exactly how it feels to have someone like that in your life!#everyone is like 'hes not that bad' bc they are in the sitcom cam!!!! you dont see it from the other pov#i like. didn't relate much until the sitcom cam dropped and then suddenly it was like being slapped in the face#bc that is how Allison ALWAYS sees kevin...... we just didn't get to witness it until then. and then that felt extremely relatable#screeching....#ik im years late bc i only now just watched but honestly???? masterpiece of television holy shit#kevin can fuck himself#kevin can f**k himself#Allison is not just 'trapped in a marriage she hates' we are just not privy to her terror bc we dont see kevin from her pov at all#we only see kevin from kevins pov#we see her talking about kevin a lot but we dont actually get to see how trapped and scared she feels until that last moment#hhhh
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Most people assume that nothing much scares Edwin. He spent seven decades in hell. What, up here on earth, could possibly compare, after that? Turns out, quite a lot. In fact, Edwin scares incredibly easy. Spiders. The sound of a child's laughter. Old porcelain dolls. The dark. And then there's the myriad of creatures and vengeful spirits they face on cases. He is scared very often. He has simply become skilled at operating as usual, even in the depths of terror. Even when every non-existent nerve is screaming at him to hide. Even when his vision is going fuzzy at the edges, his ears ringing. Hell didn't make him less easily frightened, but it did give him the ability to carry on when he is.
#dead boy detectives#edwin payne#i have lots of thoughts about him all the time#i think Charles is probably the only person who knows how easily frightened Edwin truly is#Edwin had mostly composed himself by the time he and Charles met#but upon leaving the school grounds he found that it was easily unraveled#he was still a bundle of paranoia and fraying phantom-nerves#but Charles never made him feel bad about it#always just say close by and talked and gave him the time and space to calm himself#and eventually it got easier
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Last part for old GF sketches
(Actually, most of these aren't old at all, but their average is brought down by the last picture, which I drew back in August and kept forgetting to post)
#fanart#drawing#gravity falls#stanford pines#stanley pines#i wish more people talked about Ford's piano skills#and his shadow puppet skills#i forgot what i was thinking when i rushed these out#something about Ford only taking pride in his skills because of how other people (ie Stanley) appreciate them#and how he attributes everything exceptional about himself to his hands bc that's where his deepest insecurities/motivations come from#but that isn't something Stan or most people think about at all#but he also IS really talented#and so he gets this big fragile ego#stemming from his mother and brother's praise#but also filbrick's neglect#so it's like outside validation is a substitute/reminder of the people that really loved him#bht also he thinks he's different from them and better than them#but he does love them#and he likes making them proud because he likes seeing them happy#maybe he doesn't know how else to make people happy#something something#Stan being his biggest supporter is a double edged sword#because his opinion matters the most and then he's gone#and Ford doesnt have anyone to show off to anymore#OR anyone who can call him a showoff when he gets too into his own head#OR the person he was pitted against in the first place that made him feel special#because- knowingly or not- they always compared themselves#idk man#Ford is an interesting guy and his head fascinates me
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Learn from who? Learn from you?
Chen Bowen as CHEN YI & Chiang Tien as AI DI KISEKI: DEAR TO ME (2023)
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#userspring#uservid#pdribs#userspicy#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#uh huh. mmhm. parallels and shit#OK LIKE. in nice words ai di essentially tells chen yi to go for it BUT bc hes a Lil Shit he says it like 'use force to PROVE how you feel.#followed by '.....OH WAIT YOU CANT BEAT HIM'. the way he rubs that in chen yi's face too like it isnt even 'youre weaker than him.'#it's you're LOWER than him. & thats why ai di calls him a coward bc therell always be a divide between chen yi & cdy that chen yi wont cros#and the point of this is - okay i know chen yi is literally picking ai di up and throwing him around here but also you have to remember#ai di LETS HIM. ai di doesnt fight back as hard as he could and that puts them on EVEN. EQUAL. GROUND. every time.#& yeah theres some comedy to it but you cant Ever forget that ai di wants chen yi to want him. needs it. he's faking sleep in the 1st scene#and once chen yi realizes what he wants he puts everything he has into keeping it - inadvertently taking ai di's advice by doing so -#& expresses it in every kind of way too. whatever it takes. bc between the two of them its not just 'bring him back' it's 'bring him HOME'#in a way thats based on the constantly being witness to the worst of each other & choosing it AND. years and layers of trust & love.#..ok only I would take a gifset of chen yi picking ai di up & make it abt how their relationship is perfectly balanced. but im right so idc#the last one ties it all together in my onion. chen yi got him home. and ai di's deliberately allowing himself to be loved. they won
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so, um. that spoke uu episode, huh.
#☆ my art .#☆ unstable universe .#it was extremely fun#i love the way spoke's character is developing#the underlying question of who are you that seems to always be around his character#who is he? is he a hero? is he anything at all?#it seems like he keeps trying to look for a place for himself ever since jamato left#like he keeps trying to find a purpose. probably why he latched on to get rid of the exploits in the first place#partly ofc#but that's probably why he was so adamant of climbing the ranks in the mafia#it gave him a purpose and a place he wanted to fit in#somewhere he felt he could belong i guess#yapping again. um#spokeishere#mapicc#planetlord#imajesticrose#ashswag#i restarted the lineart on this one at least 5 times i thought i wouldn't finish it at all#still not a fan of how it turned out but i dont feel like fixing it#whatever
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FINALLY breaking myself free from the chains that are rendered Fords… STANLEY, MY LOVE, I AM HERE TO AT LAST APPRECIATE YOUR FACE HOW IT DESERVES!!!!!
#my art stuff#digital art#stanley pines#gravity falls#sea grunks#grunkle stan#beanie#mullet#his poor Pines Curls have gotten so thinned out after all these years#FORD GIVE HIM SOME BACK - HE DESERVES THEM!!!!!#very happy with this - he looks so very handsome with a smile 🥺🥺🥺#OH and OBVIOUSLY giving him back his freckles (even if they may have been exaggerated in the memory by his own view of himself)#we deserve more sea grunks Stanley and HE deserves more KISSES#Despite liking how it turned out - It suddenly struck me I’m very repetitive with this lighting#I know some might argue it’s just becoming my brand#but I’m worried it’s getting worn-out and boring for y’all to look at#I don’t feel very creative flexing my strong suit when I always do it the same way#I guess that’s just what happens when said strong suit is shading with “realistic” lighting
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one of the things that continues to strike me on reread is how much the character of Darcy, and Austen through him, finds Mr. Bennet dead. And how much Elizabeth, in growing and changing and discarding her past blindness, has to move past her way of seeing her father and thus of seeing reality, because the two are connected! Darcy’s letter exposes her father’s flaws to Elizabeth in a way she’d never been able to see before. Most especially the way his laziness and neglect of his own gifts have hurt his family and that ultimately he doesn’t. care. Not enough to change. It literally says that she comes home from Hunsford and tries to laugh at her sisters’ and mother’s folly (the way she used to; the way her father has taught her to by example for her whole life) and she can’t anymore! It sticks in her throat. She is grieved by the failures that she sees in him, all the more so because she IS his favorite and she loves him! And the thing about Mr. Bennet is he never changes. The Lydia/wickham situation exposes to him sharply his own conduct and the consequences and he feels it! Because he is neither stupid nor unfeeling. But he, like everyone, has free will. And he chooses not to change when the opportunity presents itself. He even jokes about how quickly his feeling bad will pass and how soon everything will go back to normal, to his laziness and his selfishness. He is set in his ways and he serves as a contrast to Elizabeth’s personal journey because he embodies a version of a person she could have become and was in danger of becoming if her only goal at all times was to laugh at and judge people from the sidelines.
#pride and prejudice#I’ve always loved his character because he IS funny and he is iconic!!! and his love for Lizzy is touching!#he’s not faking it.#but he is so flawed. a man of taste a man of ability a man of judgment.#a man who could and SHOULD have set a different tone for his children and chose not to!#and they SUFFER FOR IT#their house is a divided one. and every child feels the pain of living in a house where the parents neither respect each other#nor are on the same team#there is a crack running through their house for this reason and it’s how Lydia (and Kitty) came to be so neglected!#who is going to discipline them or guide them? certainly not Mr. Bennet!#he’s so important to teach too. because the boys LOVE HIM. of course!#and are always very struck by his failures and laziness once I point it out#and yeah Darcy one of the only people who can expose him. because Darcy is putting in the work a man should be doing#Darcy’s house IS in order. his love is active and protective. he is fulfilling his role!#Mr. Bennet’s gifts are so extraordinary—the wit. the insight into human nature. honestly the capacity for wisdom#but he likes his library. he likes enjoying himself more than he likes doing his duty#as either a father or a husband#he does fail Mrs. Bennet! I have compassion for her there#anyway I love to think about this: something no version I have ever seen has ever fully explored#but man is it on the page#yeah yeah sorry for all the words. teacher off duty etc.
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it’s been almost a year now… is the bg3 fandom finally ready to talk about how gale’s “hubris” is the sole product of actively feeding his insecurities further and straight up denying him help & guidance when he was at his lowest and needed it most. it’s not one of his core traits and never was. he isn’t some closeted power hungry monster that is just waiting to be enabled. what he wants is admiration, recognition and acceptance. which is also what he sought from mystra before the orb disaster happened. he had no desire whatsoever to become a god himself or challenge her rule, he simply wanted to be seen as sufficient in her eyes (“to serve her better”). to be as equal as he could possibly be in a relationship with a literal deity. he has a deep passion for magic and knowledge that affects almost all areas of his life and enjoys the display thereof. he wants to be the smartest person in the room and enjoys when his work is recognized. he may be perceived as arrogant when it comes to his skill, but he IS NOT hubristic. it truly takes so little for him to be wholly content.
#this is such a fundamental misinterpretation of his character and really grinds my gears#i feel like we really gloss over the fact that he sees the crown as an alternative to NOT DYING#and not something he secretly wanted all along#an option to finally prove that he is ‘worthy enough’#either of himself or the person he’s with#whenever another post pops up talking about how astarion and gale are so similar another angel loses its wings#bg3#astarion was always corrupt long before cazador happened. and even after he seeks power for safety and control#(and partly because of the fun of it)#meanwhile gale? my guy just wants to live. read books. eat good food and be a great wizard recognized for his hard work#gale dekarios#it speaks#neme rambles#i forgot to censor my tags but i’m on mobile so oops
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