#idk i have a lot of thoughts and feelings on how people see paul mccartney

[cheesenchalk]

i never know how to phrase it but something about the way beatles biographers and people in general view paul's reflexive placating persona and determination to smooth things over as manipulative or duplicitous and john's reflexive barbed persona and habit of lashing out as brave and subversive despite both being equally defensive mechanisms to shield themselves from the world that resulted in them saying things that weren't true says more about how we culturally view kindness or friendliness as inherently untrustworthy or flimsy and anger and carelessness as more believable as someone's true nature than it says about either of them in actuality

[cherry-velvet-skies]

Feeling Two-Foot Small (Part 1)

Tiny!Paul McCartney × Tiny!Reader

Genre: Fluff with some Angsty bits

Warnings: Convos about insecurities and stuff but that's about it

Words: 3k

Summary: Takes place in the Help! movie universe (but Modern!AU I guess? Idk lol); Reader wonders what it's like to be small, gets their wish, and meets a tiny Paul along the way

=======================================

=======================================

When people are asked if they wonder what it would feel like to be tiny, most of them think about the effects it would have on their life in a personal way. They rejoice at the idea of being the same size as their pet, having a small furry friend to play with. Some feel liberated at the idea of being able to get underneath all their furniture, hunting for all the loose paper clips, rubber bands, and hair ties they thought would never again see the light of day. Others might opt for a brief dive between the couch cushions to find every single stray coin that is now the size of their head.

You, on the other hand? Well, you think differently than that. You view being tiny from an outward perspective, pondering how being two or three inches high would have an effect on the world around you as opposed to you as an individual. When you shrink, do your clothes shrink with you? Or once you're small, do you lay naked inside a pile of now oversized fabric? Are those tiny skateboards you use for your fingers sturdy enough to support your weight? It would make getting around a whole lot easier. Does walking underneath the arch of a high heel shoe have the same implications as walking underneath a ladder? Would you receive some tiny alternate version of bad luck?

See, you don't think about what it is like to be small, because you already know that feeling quite well at your average height. You know what it's like to have the world tell you there isn't enough space for you, and that you must keep shrinking who you are until you fit. And sometimes, you are told to shrink so small that the only place you can fit is inside your own head. So why would you want to experience that sensation physically as well? However, it would be interesting to have your body match the way your mind has felt for a long while. In some sick, twisted way, you might feel right at home. 

But alas, it is only mere speculation. Something you didn’t want to think about anyway. You preferred not to fill your brain with any more possible outcomes of unachievable situations. You already did that enough with the things actually happening in your life. You already knew how it would all play out. You would spend hours sending your mind into such a frenzy that you tired yourself out, only to forcefully push the thought away the following morning. And if you weren’t careful, the topic would somehow barge its way back into your thoughts some weeks or months later, and the cycle would start anew. So, better to cut things off at the start, despite the part of you that couldn’t help but be the least bit curious.

When you awoke the following morning, something felt off. You opened your eyes to find the blanket completely over your head, which also felt much heavier than usual. You went to move the piece of fabric off your face until you realized that what was currently placed on top of you was two separate layers. You swiftly moved the first one off, poking your head out of the end only to realize it was the shirt you had put on before bed the previous night.

Mixed in with your confusion, your brain managed to form the idea that this was a dream. Your shirt and blanket becoming a hundred times bigger overnight is not physically possible. You felt like you were swiping the large blanket off your head for minutes until the bright beams of sunlight in your room hit your face. You sat up, only to notice that you had actually stood up, not that it made much of a difference. Whether you were standing or sitting, you still could barely see over the edge of the footboard. Glancing around, you noticed your pillow behind you, which was now the size of a giant’s, and the rest of your pyjamas crumpled beneath the blanket. A sudden breeze across the room alerted you that you were currently naked. And unless you were experiencing a rather severe case of Alice-in-Wonderland Syndrome, this was most definitely a dream.

You had always heard about lucid dreaming before, but the concept always frightened you. A dream that felt like reality? That doesn’t sound very safe. The only rule of lucid dreaming you remembered was never to use any of the bathrooms you see, as it will not end well. But other than that, exploring the world like this actually seemed kind of fun.

As you went to hop out of bed, You peered down the side of the cliff that was now your mattress, thankful you didn’t lose your impulse control and critically injured yourself from the start. You figured that if you somehow did end up shrinking in your sleep, you were going to need some serious level of strategy to get around.

Dragging one of the legs of your sweatpants over to the edge of the bed, you hoisted it over, hearing the elastic at the ankle thud as it hit the wooden floor. You looked down again before grabbing onto the side of the pant leg and using it to shimmy down to the floor like a fireman’s pole. If there was going to be any time in your life that you were grateful for not having a fear of heights, that time was now. But so far, your theory of your clothing not shrinking with you had been swiftly proven.

Once on the floor, your next task was to find new clothes. Or, at the very least, some type of fabric to keep you covered. Judging by how close you were to the floor, you gathered that your new height was about three inches, just like you had imagined. By those parameters, even your socks would be too big to clothe you. 

You felt like you were in a video game. Every single place you wanted to go felt like it took forever to get there. And that was when you spotted the perfect wardrobe. All these years, you knew something good would come out of your vintage Barbie doll collection. On the lower shelf of your desk, you had kept all the extra clothing your dolls weren’t wearing in a small bin. Luckily you were able to flip the lid open and start searching.

You may not have been able to see yourself in the mirror, but you felt like you looked good. One of Barbie’s rompers was big enough to look like a pantsuit on you, and one of Ken’s jackets was more than enough to keep you warm. Barbie’s winter boots weren’t exactly comfortable, considering they were nothing more than malleable plastic, but you didn’t exactly have much of a choice. In an equally small bin beside the clothes was a collection of small toys, including your finger-sized skateboard from when you were a little kid. Placing it beside you, you softly hopped on, pushing your foot and briskly gliding across your bedroom floor. As for your average-sized predictions, you had been spot on about the practicality of living a tiny life.

But now that you were properly dressed, you were most excited to try and explore the outside world. What you didn’t plan for, however, was how you were actually going to get out the door. After making your way to the exit, you groaned as the doorknob appeared to be a million miles away. You didn’t have any pets, so there was no convenient doggy door to use. Beside the door, you spied the small latch on top of the window. It was unlocked. Getting up there was going to be a pain, but it was your only logical way out.

Slinging your skateboard over your shoulder - with the convenient strap you made for it out of a pair of Barbie’s stockings - you began to climb up the curtain. The height from the window to the floor was about the same as getting up and down your bed, but getting up was definitely trickier. Once you settled on the window sill, you stuck the edge of your skateboard under the lip of the window, jumping on the other end of the board to pop it open. Granted, your decreased strength only opened it about an inch, but that was enough. You squeezed your way through the exit, and, seeing no other option, jumping down into the patch of dirt below. You didn’t injure yourself, but jumping that far didn’t feel good, especially after climbing up the curtain. This must have been what Tinkerbell felt like. Well, at least she had wings. And on top of just waking up and not eating anything, you already felt beat. 

That’s right. Food. You were so preoccupied with adapting to this new way of life you had forgotten to eat. In hindsight, the fridge had been too large to get anything out of anyway. But your prayers were soon answered as you noticed that the fruits in your neighbor’s garden were ripe and ready to be picked. You were sure they wouldn’t miss just one.

Dusting yourself off and skating a few feet ahead, you gently plucked a raspberry from the bottom of one of the bushes, making sure it hadn’t been tainted by any insects that might’ve gotten there before you. You would’ve only needed one anyway, seeing as a raspberry was now a watermelon in your world and one tiny berry would feed you for quite a few hours as you skated around. It also stained your lips a lovely shade of pink. Nature’s makeup, you thought.

Your neighborhood was pretty quiet in the morning, and being able to move about completely unseen actually brought you a level of comfort. No one to have to explain your circumstances to. No stray animals to drag you like a chew toy. You kind of liked it. To your surprise, the world wasn’t so bad from this height.

Reaching the end of your street, you decided to stop and take a rest. The sky looked like rain, and that was something you needed to watch out for. At this size, a raindrop could quite possibly waterboard you if you weren’t expecting it.

Taking shelter under a small plant in another person’s garden, you looked around at the other bushes and blades of grass around you. The garden felt like a rainforest. Tiny twigs and saplings took on the roles of redwoods and sequoias, towering above you, protecting you from the elements. You truly felt like a fairy. Like the ones who wore mushroom hats and made flower crowns from dandelion stems. The only thing that seemed a tad out of place was a gum wrapper that lay not too far from you. It was the perfect size for you to use as a blanket if you wanted it, but just as you got up to have a closer look, it moved. Clearly it was already occupied.

A boy with short brown hair popped out from underneath it, securing it around his waist like a bath towel. He turned around before you could hide, both of you screaming at the sight of each other. 

“How are you this small?” He blurted out, purely out of shock.

“Me? How are you this size?” You fired back, hoping he could give you some answers.

“I asked you first.” He retorted. You accepted that talking to him was certainly going to be an adventure.

“I woke up like this.” You explained. The boy seemed surprised, as if your reason was more simple than he expected. “Why, what happened to you?”

“It’s a long story.” He said sheepishly. “But one I hope is temporary. Nice clothes.” Sensing he wanted to change the subject, you lent him your jacket, which fit him perfectly. 

“They’re doll clothes. I had no other choice.” You chuckled. “I can give you some if you’d like.” The boy seemed unsure, but you persisted. “I know it’s not ideal, but it beats a gum wrapper.” The boy smiled this time, agreeing to go with you. You held out your hand to lead him back to the sidewalk and helped him on your skateboard. It was very clear he had never ridden one before, as he tightly gripped your waist the second you started moving. On the way back, you let him take a berry from your neighbor’s bush as well, to which he was very grateful.

“What’s your name, by the way?” You questioned. You told him your name as you watched his shoulders relax a bit, accepting you as his companion in this bizarre adventure.

“I’m Paul.” He said, trying to hold the giant raspberry and keep his gum wrapper towel from falling off at the same time.

The endeavor of getting back into your house was something Paul was not prepared for. Honestly, you weren’t too thrilled either, but you were prepared for anything by this point. You never thought that climbing the curtain would’ve been the easiest thing you’ve done so far. You both had to get back up to the window by climbing up the twigs of the nearest bush, which strangely enough, felt like one of those wobbly rope ladders at a playground. You got the hang of it pretty quickly, but Paul, however, did not. He eventually made it up, but with several rips and tears in his gum wrapper towel, which you were just grateful didn’t fall off entirely.

The rest of the trip was pretty simple. Paul enjoyed sliding down the curtain, but he was upset that he had to leave the raspberry behind as he couldn’t hold it and climb the bush at the same time. You promised you would get him another one.

Your selection of doll clothes was plenty for Paul to choose from. He ended up keeping the jacket you were wearing. It looked better on him anyway. He also chose one of Ken’s polo shirts to match it. The only pants that fit him were a pair of Barbie’s denim shorts. What the gum wrapper towel couldn’t tell you is he had quite the shapely figure. 

Once you both were settled, you tried to get whatever food you could from your kitchen. With Paul’s help, you were able to reach the bottom pantry shelf, succeeding in acquiring a package of fruit snacks and a small bag of pretzel sticks. A subpar diet as they may be, it was more than enough to get you both through the day.

“Okay,” You began, making a comfortable sitting area on your bedroom floor out of some old socks, “How did all of this happen?”

Paul began to explain his predicament, but in all honesty, he kind of lost you somewhere in the middle. He was talking about how he accidentally received a dose of shrinking serum that was actually supposed to go to his friend in order to stop him from becoming some sort of human sacrifice. Something like that. Well, at least you confirmed your suspicions that this was indeed a dream. Whoever this Paul was and how he got in your subconscious, he wasn’t making any sense whatsoever.

“But it’s temporary, right?” You asked. Paul shrugged his shoulders.

“I hope so. At least that’s what I was told from the woman who gave it to me. But then again, she says she is not always what she seems.” He stated nonchalantly. You furrowed your eyebrows. Yep. Definitely a dream.

“Well, what do you want to do in the meantime?” You suggested. Paul’s eyes widened. 

“There’s not much we can do outside without us getting stepped on or drowned by rain.” He crossed his arms, a small pout appearing on his lips. “Being this small is no fun.”

“Who said we had to go outside? There’s plenty to do in here!” You debated, much to Paul’s confusion. “I’m sure I have another one of these skateboards somewhere. We can race them around the house! Plus, now that we’re tiny, we can play a mean game of hide and seek.”

Originally, your disposition had been similar to Paul’s on this whole situation. Being this size was no fun. But only if you accepted that as a fact. If you make it fun, then anything can be enjoyable. 

“I suppose so.” Paul admitted. “It’s just that I’m not used to this, you know? Being so tiny and all.”

In the small amount of time you had spent with Paul, you gathered he was the type of person whose presence was regarded everywhere he went. His personality was considerably assertive, commanding attention. Though a bit boisterous at that, he was quite charming. Being the size of a toy was no doubt a blow to his ego.

“To be honest, being this small isn’t really much of a difference for me.” You confessed, eliciting a puzzled look from the boy beside you. “People don’t really notice me anyway, so I think it’s actually kind of better that I’m small enough to be out of everyone’s way.”

Paul scoffed at your statement, as if it was unfathomable for him that anyone would think such a thing about themselves. But insecurity was often just as voluminous as it was compensatory.

“So then you run the risk of being stepped on.”

“Then I move out of the way before it happens.”

“No, you tell people to stop stepping on you.” Paul’s gaze softened as he delivered his reply, a bit surprised by his own comment. Judging by the look on his face, you discerned this was his first time giving such a profound piece of advice. No matter what size you were, the key to not being overshadowed by others was not to avoid the situation entirely. It was to stop it from happening before it even began.

Without answering, you leaned forward to give Paul a hug. He tensed up at first, but quickly reciprocated your embrace, softly rubbing his hands up and down your back.

“So…” He whispered in your ear, “I’ll hide while you count?”

=======================================

I'm so glad I can post fics again! 🥰 This scene from the Help! movie is one of my favorites so I had to do something with it 🤭 This is a 2 part story so the second half will be up soon 😊

[honking-up-a-storm]

7/5/23

Oh it's even more dead than it was Monday, I guess everyone is all partied out. I'm not cuz I didn't do shit for the 4th. Though right now I feel a bit nauseous cuz I haven't eaten yet today. Last night was bad cuz of my period but I had that sick gut feeling that something bad was happening. Nothing came of it that I'm aware of, but it's been months since I felt it. So it was kinda startling. I know I blabbed on about how I'm not into other worldly shit, but IDK, my guy usually isn't wrong with that exact feeling of pure dread. It's been a few months since we've seen (Friend), rationally I know he's fine but that fight was absolutely brutal. If we had both just kept our cool [Friend] wouldn't have had to do what he did. It's scary watching someone fall like that. Don't fucking make that joke about the situation, oh my god why would I think that? Probably because it is a little funny with context. Let's just say that [friend] is good at pushing people out of his space like that. At least I made that joke now and not the minute after like {friend} did. Though she was being completely genuine saying it was a " Mario 64 moment" and it's funny bc she wasn't wrong tbh. Aside from my regulars who said that they'd be here today I really don't think I'm gonna have anyone today. Which is good cuz I don't feel good. Am I scared? I've been dreading seeing the security guard again, he left me alone Monday but I still have the whole summer ahead of me. I can't let my paranoia get the better of me I have to get mad and stay mad and stand up for myself. I mean that's what I told myself the last time I needed to confront someone who could physically harm me, and then I just froze. I always freeze. It's instinctual and it's dangerous. It's not logical for my body to think if I just stay still and stay quiet nothing bad will happen to me. Off topic but I'm wondering if I'm autistic again. And I feel bad cuz before when I was wondering out loud it probably sounded like I didn't want it/not open to the idea of having it/ thought it was bad/ ect when really I was just worried that if I was wrong id be invading that space on accident. But there's a lot of things about myself I'm cross examining with other autistic people that are making me think so. I know I'm feeling a hell of a lot better now that I've stopped masking a lot of things (though yelling in the middle of the city while vocal stimming might've been too much that one time) Paul Mccartney what the fuck are you doing here? Man it's only been an hour. Don't know why I'm surprised this usually only takes one hour. The lot is kinda filling up now. I should put my sunscreen on. Anyways right, Autism. Lots of things I did when I was younger kinda point to it; even though I was checked twice I don't think either count. The first one was in the 2-3rd grade and they were mainly focused on me just not falling behind, they didn't care about behavioral things bc I was a kid they thought I'd grow out of it. The other was primarily to get my ADHD diagnosis, he wasn't looking for Autism. So yes I fully believe I should get re-tested, no stupid online quizzes, I need an actual doctor who preferably has autism themselves to help me find out. I need to make a list of traits I've noticed so I can remember what to tell them.

Notes: Can people stop leaving thier cars running near me? It's already hot as shit today.

- I wanna steal that pretty green car over there, it would be easy the windows are down. It's probably a standard tho.

- Punch buggy dreams slightly restored, second time around it's easy to drive.

[phoneybeatlemania]

I wonder if Paul knows lot of his fans here think his belly is super cute. Like most people here who like Paul love his squish. I think he's actuslly kinda insecure about it. Apparently he doesnt like talking about being overweight as a kid its a sore topic. And Linda said she often had to reassure him that she liked his stomach. You here about Johns body image struggles but I think Paul is a bit more quiet about his own issues

(CW: eating disorders)

Ive definitely heard a story about Paul being insecure about his stomach and his weight (c. 1969-70?) and Linda comforting him over it - I dont think ive ever seen evidence or a source for it though, so I dont know if its true or where it comes from? But I do get that sense about him too, in that he’s more rattled with insecurity (possibly about his physical appearance) then he’ll let on (whereas Johns the type who’ll often tell you upfront: “yes i despise everything about me. yes i think im the second coming of christ. yes we exist.”)

putting the rest of this post bellow the cut just because idk

Ill quickly note though that the difference with John is that theres a lot of evidence to suggest he was struggling with an actual eating disorder (EDNOS, to be specific) and I made some posts on it awhile ago (x) (x) (second one is less structured but the evidence is certainly stronger imo) - so if thats a topic that interests you, id suggest giving them a read!

Whereas with Paul, he might be insecure over his weight, but it’s not the same (as in, there isn’t any evidence - that im aware of - to suggest his eating habits have ever been symptomatic of an ED - although ill note that I don’t want to generalise ED’s as being a purely physical thing, since they are mental illnesses). I know you weren’t saying they were equally insecure over their weight or anything anon, just that Pauls issues could be under discussed by fans, and lesser discussed by Paul himself - I just wanted to point out the difference though in case anyone might be misguided here :)

And I think as well, there is something to be said about Paul being situated as this wholly confident guy (and John being wholly insecure) when theres interviews and extracts that strongly suggest otherwise. And largely that image is just constructed by Paul himself - because whether purposefully or not, he certainly comes off as confident and extroverted in most interviews. But at the same time, as Caitlin Moran says in the extract ive posted bellow, theres suggestions here and there, of a subtextual insecurity.

This is from an interview between Paul McCartney and Caitlin Moran, c. 2011 (i think?) and featured in the book Moranthology:

Paul then goes on to tell three stories that suggest - in marked contrast to the disconcerting, alpha…vibe he emits - that he is still insecure after all these years.

The first about how he only announces the first two dates of any tour, ‘to see how they sell,’ so that - when they sell out in six minutes…he can sigh and say, ‘Well, people do still want to see me, after all’…

The second is how he’s only recently started playing a lot of lead guitar, ‘Because the first time we ever played - pre-Beatles - I totally screwed up on the first night…’ I totally blew it - the nerves got the better of me. So I never played lead guitar again.’

‘Its taken you this long to get your nerve back?’ I ask incredulously. ‘Yeah,’ he replies…‘when The Beatles did Wembley for the first time, I remember sitting on the town hall feeling physically sick. I thought, “Ive got to give this up.”’ (pg. 317-18)

Theres nothing about insecurity pertaining to weight in that extract (so whoops on getting off track here) but it was just one that stood out to me recently, and so I wanted to post it - and additionally, I think we can infer something about the way in which Pauls insecurities might manifest in the language he uses.

[pauls-broken-a-glass65]

ok i just saw “give my regards to broad street” for the first time and i’m SO IN LOVE WITH IT??? i’m SOOOO glad i trusted you in watching this bc it was wayyy better than what everyone said it was going to be. everyone was acting like it was a hot pile of garbage and honestly??? i pretty much loved everything about the film!!! i’m sure you can figure out who i am (*wink wink*) but MANNN i’d loooove to gush to someone about this film foreverrrrr i wish i saw it sooner!!! there’s so much i wanna gush about i swear- :’D

Hi "Anon" ;)

Sorry for the delay to reply.

Well, I'm..............glad you like it?!?!

*Happy and surprised noises*

Well, like you said, sometimes it seems like everyone hates this movie, that it's a waste of time and.............

Eh......Not quite.

(*Sorry, I love this gif he's so ah---)

Well, Paul as an actor...... he's good.

He's not like you say "Oh god, bring the Oscar to that man!", a Marlon Brandon in "The Godfather" but it's good.

People forget that in every movie he's appeared in (at least most of them), he's just being himself. He wrote the movie. He doesn't have to pretend to be Paul McCartney, he IS Paul McCartney.

He can do whatever he wants with the movie and be whoever he wants to be. He didn't make the films to please the critics, but because he knew that someone besides him would like it, even if only a few people.

Was the movie a box office failure? Yeah.

But he doesn't care about that. He had fun being in the magic universe of movies.

Perhaps the "mistake" was the moment when he released the film. People were already getting used to movies with lots of new and innovative special effects, adventures like "Indiana Jones" or maybe "Star Wars", maybe "ET", they didn't like his movie because it was a simple and light story.

There was no sex, swearing or violence. It was something for you to go out with friends or family and go to a movie with. Fun.

Even though people had been warned by him from the start, they'd waited for something they knew they wouldn't see.

Well, you can't please everyone.

Anyway......

What matters is that we love the movie. And we love him. And if in the face of all the criticism, he's happy, I'm happy.

This is one of my favorite movies! I have a hard time choosing my favorite scene or favorite song.

Speaking of songs: I love them all but my favorite (other than the classic "No More Lonely Nights") is "Ballroom Dancing".

By the way, I've lost count of how many times I've seen this scene.

"Lunch?"

"Ballroom Dancing" Paul is life❤

I mean, Look at that! That suit, that hair, that FUCKING EYELINER!!!! I will dance with him all night in that ballroom😍😍😍😍😍🥰🥰

Interesting thing: I'm completely obsessed with the way he says "Here we go!" in that scene. It's so cute <3

One of my favorite scenes is "No Values". The guitar solo, his energy, the atmosphere itself.

BUT PLEASE------------

T H A T P A R T—

My favorite part right here.

The way he says "Don't do it!"......... makes me feel something😏

I can't explain, I find something so cute and so irresistible at the same time. It's like when he yells "Closer!" in "Getting Closer" several times.

Macca, I'm dying here babe—

*Regaining breath* Eh anyway...

Maybe my favorite scene is when he walks up to the station and sits (in the cutest way ever) on the bench and thinks about his future and life, "No More Lonely Nights" scene.

I mean......

Look at this cute human being-------

I could spend HOURS seeing him thoughtful about something. He's so cute and attractive.

And I admit it: I picked up a few quirks after seeing this movie. One is every day when I get bored for the first time a day, I say:

"It's gonna be one of those days..."

Idk, I just like to imitate him saying that.

Another thing is as soon as I get to any place that has a bench, I sit like him. People look at me weird but I don't care anymore.

I know, I'm weird.

Well, in front of several scenes, I can't forget the one that takes my breath away and makes me bite my lip or sigh involuntarily.

Can we talk about this?

Or........

How incredibly beautiful he is this close-up of the camera?

Which one of the scenes where there is a close-up of the camera on his face is my favorite.

His clothes, his hair, his tired and somewhat confused and sad eyes, his lips, his calm voice, the laugh at the end of the movie (he's a kid!), the thoughtful way he drives or when his eyes become more resolute and even brilliant when he remembers where Harry went (That little "Broad Street" song is the best!), when he finds the tape!

I can spend hours talking about every detail that makes he the most handsome and cutest of all men in the world.

Don't mind me, I'm in love.

Well, my dear anon

I'm so happy to know that someone besides me likes this movie. It's a good movie despite the reviews and it's worth watching, whether it's the songs or the 80s Paul.

Thanks for my newest favorite ask ;)

[monkberries]

So here goes: Personally I find Paul to be hot with a beard. But it annoys me because there’s always some Paul stan who’s like “he was super depressed during that time you know” anytime someone says how hot he looks with a beard. Like first of all, I don’t think we should go around diagnosing people and assuming how he felt 24/7 just based on a couple of quotes when we don’t know him, and second of all I was just saying he looks good. Also idk why Paul stans want to pretend like Paul is STILL a victim when he’s definitely not. He’s a super successful billionaire musician. He’s fine.

I'm going to assume all four of these were from the same anon; I received another along these same lines that seems to be from someone else:

OKAY. There's a lot here.

As I've said before, I think the concept you are both talking about - that Paul is the favourite, that people will attack you if you criticize him, that people are vilifying John more now - is true, but is also a matter of perspective. I think sometimes we perceive the whole fandom as just the people we're surrounded by; that can be true in smaller fandoms, like for obscure shows or whatever, but for the Beatles, the fandom is so much bigger and more spread out across generations, social media platforms, and works of literature than almost any other fandom. There are literally thousands upon thousands of books either about or tangentially about the Beatles; there are pockets on every platform from tumblr to twitter to podcasts to instagram to facebook etc., and it branches off even more niche within those to like, facebook groups specifically for podcasts about the Beatles, or discord servers, or livejournal threads, or music forums, or fics on ao3. There are fansites with thoughtful speculative articles like heydullblog and blogs specifically reviewing Beatle books like beatlebioreview and sites cataloging every bit of minutiae like the Beatles Bible, all with their own flavor of comment sections. And not only that, the Beatles fandom spans generations and cultures in a way that almost nothing else ever has or ever will.

And this is not even going into the shifting narratives that have been in play over the years surrounding Paul specifically, and the huge, huge difference between the perceptions of him by the authors and the Counterculture People, the perceptions of him by regular ass Wings fans who have only idly flipped through Rolling Stone while waiting in line at the local bodega, and the perceptions of him by everyone in between, who may or may not have been unconsciously influenced by the wider narratives about him.

All that is to make the case that the fandom that you are experiencing on tumblr/twitter is an extremely small fraction of The Fandom at large. For every Paul stan on twitter that yells at people for not believing that Paul literally invented music, there is a John stan in a facebook group going on about John's supposedly tireless peace efforts. For every nuanced, well sourced post on amoralto's blog, there is someone in the Beatles Bible comment section saying that John and Paul hated each other. For every fan who's read the major Beatles bios with a critical eye towards bias, there are plenty more fans who just absorbed them as straight fact. This is not to say that your experiences are not real or valid! They absolutely are! What I am saying is that there are infinite permutations of infinite Beatles fandoms out there, and the people you see who insist that Paul is still treated worse than John, I would imagine, are occupying various permutations of the fandom where that is more true, alongside the one they share with you. It's not for me to say whether the Paul or John people have the upper hand on the whole - truly, I don't think anyone has enough perspective on the whole fandom to make any judgment on that, no matter what general Grand Pronouncements anyone may make about The Fandom.

As I've said before, any overly defensive "stan" behavior, whether it's for John or Paul or George or anyone, is exhausting to me, so I definitely understand where you're coming from re: him being supposedly underrated. He is literally one of the most successful musicians of all time; as of the beginning of this year, he is worth 1.2 billion dollars; and, thanks to his own efforts and the efforts of quite a few fans and writers out there over the decades, he now enjoys an incredibly positive "granddude" reputation. There are ways in which it can be exasperating to read yet another indignant refutation of music reviews for RAM that came out fifty years ago, when his last three albums have hit the top 3 in the charts in both the US and the UK and have gotten great reviews. I have seen people wonder, honestly wonder, how much more money Paul could have made, how much more respected he could have been, if the rock press had been inclined to give RAM good reviews. When I see that, it does start to feel like fans of Paul, at least the defensive ones in the fandom permutations I occupy, are arguing with the author photo of Philip Norman in the book jacket for Shout!. It's not that I think those arguments and discussions are not worth having; I do think they're worth having because I believe that the only way we can continue to grow is if we grapple with the mistakes made in the past. But there is a strange kind of disconnect that happens when you read about someone indignantly defending Wild Life as though the members of Wings are currently, actively having eggs and rotten fruit thrown at them, and then you remember that Paul is currently, and has been for many years now, one of the richest men in the entire world.

As for the misogyny thing, I'll copy and paste a quote from Erin Weber which may explain a little better than I can:

"Where it starts entering into serious discussion for me is when you have professional grown men (Schaffner would be the most glaring example of this, but not the only one) repeatedly using the term “pretty” or “pretty-faced” to refer to another grown man. (Norman does the same). Schaffner doesn’t only do that once or twice, he uses one of those exact words at least fifteen times in his references to McCartney. “Pretty-boy” is also a term that at least one journalist has used to describe Paul, and that’s not a stealth insult: that’s an overt one. (My husband, who hates the Yankees, routinely used the term “pretty-boy” to insult Alex Rodriguez. And it wasn’t meant as a compliment).

My reaction to this is based both on studies that I’m aware of (I’d have to hunt them up, but I’ve seen them referenced before) which argue that the use of feminized language can be a method of stealth insult/diminishment when used by men to describe other men, and my own personal experience. It is difficult to see a situation where a grown man using the term “pretty” or any variation of the word “pretty” to describe another grown man means it as a compliment. Even if its purely meant as a descriptive term, it is a descriptive term that is weighted with significant meaning and is feminizing. And given the rock press’s obsession with masculinity and its insistence, as noted in other studies, of using masculine terms to portray a song as good and feminizing terms to describe them as weak or inferior, I don’t think its a coincidence that a rock press that knew well the power of masculine and feminine language commonly used feminized language, particularly in the 1970s and 80s, to describe McCartney."

I personally see this more as pseudo-homophobic than pseudo-misogynistic (like, when I see a man called "pretty" by another man in an insulting way, I immediately think "oh, that author wanted to say a gay slur but he's too Professional"), but the two things can get muddled together, I suppose.

Anyway, actionable items:

Diversify Your Fan Experience. More perspectives can really help gain a fuller understanding of not just the fandom but the Beatles themselves. Don't be afraid to be wrong, and don't be afraid to be right; always be open to learning new things and hearing new insights.

If All Else Fails, Block 'Em.

[dazedandlucid]

+Your response to after got me thinking. The western sphere and its inhabitants ship hard hard and i guess that is why taekook really started to become the ultimate ship because ex larry(harry+louis) stans really took up taekook. Not a bad thing, idk but rrally in 1d fandom, people ateup larry and those same people are following taekook like that. Obsessively. Sometimes more than as fictional characters which doesnt seem ok to me. Larry to taekook feels like a secure transition. end of ze rant

(3/3) i’m not the person to talk about this because i never followed 1d or their fandom. i knew who they were but i legit only learned their names when zayn left because it was everywhere and it was like “oh the hot one left. okay”. (i have liked some of their songs for full disclosure but i don’t always learn the names of members of bands i like. so). so like i have no idea if what you’re saying is “true” in terms of larries(larrys? larry’s?) moving over to tk specifically or only. like, have you met j*k**k shippers? i’ve said this a million times, but, we’re literally cousins. and basically those creepy cousins from mississippi who 9 out of 10 times get married. like, we’re the same fandom wise, and i say this as someone who while only writes tk and are my OTP, i’ve always said i’m ot7 and read all ships so i have had exposure to jk as a ship. and. yeah. cousins, identical cousins. i don’t know how people pretend this isn’t true.  

i have heard that a lot of bts newer fans were 1d fans. but i have to counter that intense shipping has existed in kpop for years. and i’m not saying western fans aren’t intense, but so are asian/korean fans. i was around in 2nd gen and these chicks were showing up at fan signs/concerts with printed out fanfic and explicit manips and handing them to the idol group members. so. obviously, the internet being now what it is, even back in 2010-15, has allowed for fans to concentrate in heavy numbers the way they never have been able to so we are more exposed to intense hardcore shipping. but, like, there was john lenon/paul mccartney fan fiction back in the day. like, that was a thing. again. so.  yeah, so i’m not really sure if i answered your question(s) but yeah like to be really blunt, i don’t care about how anyone else views/ships tk. i care how i see/view them. when i first got in fandom i did have thoughts TM and opinions TM, but now i’m just like “chill and let chill”. i wish there were more nuance in fandom sometimes, but i genuinely think people are gonna ship/think what they do and if you’re a reasonable person, you realize there is space for everyone and you are responsible for curating your own online experience the way you want it. it maybe shouldn’t be this way, but that’s just how the internet at large moves. yeah, so if your hypothesis is true, there's nothing i can do about it and it has nothing to do with me so i don’t care because there’s just nothing to do if you catch my drift. if my fic doesn’t vibe with most tk shippers for whatever reason *shrug emoji*. it is what it is. i view shipping fandom as a mirror of the fandom in general, and to be even more blunt, i don’t vibe with a lot of how this fandom moves. so again, i just don’t care. it has nothing to do with me. i’m here to have a good time with the people i vibe with. i would hope, so is everybody else. 

[karliesbuzzcut]

When art really speaks to you, pt. 2: probably just a coincidence but idk

Disclaimer: all these theories are rabbit holes on their own, so trying to explain them in a couple of paragraphs is, automatically, doing them a disservice. Especially since I’m only going to be primarily addressing the part of the theory that focuses on the artist communicating with their public through their work.

Since I’ve already dedicated paragraphs to the introduction in part 1, let’s just jump into it.

Leonardo Da Vinci’s fuckton of theories.

Let’s start with the daddy of all conspiracies. After all, not many can gloat about their reachings becoming a movie starring Tom Hanks.

The thing with Da Vinci’s conspiracies is that there are so many of them, and they range from “maybe this is also a painting made by Da Vinci but he wasn’t credited because of reasons” to ALIENS. Which, I think, shows how different our interpretations of art can be, and how much it depends on an already established worldview.

But the most interesting part isn’t the conclusions, but how people look for clues. For example, just like people say Taylor Swift is obsessed with numbers or oranges (depending who you ask, I guess), Da Vinci was supposedly a big fan of reflections. So, if you want to decode his paintings you must mirror them... and then move then a little bit... there you go, you’ve just found yourself an alien...! Or a daemon...! Or someone wearing a funny hat! And that’s totally what he wanted us to find, right? Why else would he had shown any sort of interest in reflections if he didn’t want us to reflect everything!!

Shakespeare is an illusion... kinda, but yeah.

Personally, I think Kaylors would love to dig into this one. Sure, it doesn’t have many lesbians playing political spies. But it does involve a lot of literature analysis. Just like Kaylors don’t think a heterosexual woman could’ve written Taylor’s songs; some people (referred as anti-Stratfordians, thank you very much) don’t think someone from a lower class could’ve written Shakespeare’s plays. 

Here’s the tea... the very cold tea: because Shakespeare was the son of a glover, anti-Stratfordians say he couldn’t have had the knowledge to write his plays. They, instead, come up with a list of “more suitable” writers that could’ve worked together. But they decided to keep their identities a secret because being a play writer, at that time, wasn’t respectable. Here, we will start noticing a trend with Conspiracy Theories: society, as a whole, can’t handle the truth, only a selected few. That’s where Francis Bacon comes in.

Francis Bacon was a very smart dude. He, also, worked for the state - giving him the credentials to be worthy of writing Shakespeare calibre plays. And also, also, he developed a method to conceal messages in the presentation of a text. To be able to do this, you would need to use two typefaces. Guess what has more than one typeface? Shakespeare’s plays.

I have to say - while I don’t believe either theory we have seen, they are somewhat understandable. We barely know anything about Shakespeare and Da Vinci beyond their work, so it’s normal that people are trying to figure out who they were; what did they believed in; where did they get all of their knowledge. We like theorising about the answers to these questions, knowing we’ll never get a confirmed truth. Not so the case with our next conspiracy...

Lewis Carroll was Jack the Ripper - someone had to be, right?

Now, allow me to fangirl all over this one. It combines my interests for conspiracy theories, true crime and pop-culture.

I’m assuming everyone here knows about Jack the Ripper: a serial killer who murdered at least 5 people (mainly prostitutes) in London, between the years 1888 and 1891. Well, someone looked at this and thought “you know what this murder-mystery is missing? Famous people”. Well, this theory says that the author of Alice in Wonderland did it He was the only celebrity living nearby at the time of the killings, so... 🤷‍♀️

This becomes a case of “I have already made up my mind about this issue, so I’m going to go ahead and search for proof that confirms it”. Authors and, now, internet sleuths went through his books, selected this random-ass excerpt from the nursery version of Alice and decided it was an anagram. And a crappy one at that. Supposedly, if you arrange the letters you get a detailed and gruesome confession. You, however, have to take away some letter and add others. Listen, I’m not an English major, but I’ve heard that’s cheating.

This theory also has that characteristic we mentioned: the “I don’t want to admit it out loud, so I’m going to come up with convoluted ways for my audience to figure it out” - which almost borders on psychotic behaviour. But at least it, somewhat, works with the serial killer narrative, you know? Not very much with Taylor, a woman who simply wants to chill with her girlfriend.

The moon landing was fake and directed by Stanley Kubrick.

I’m not going to dig into the moon landing conspiracy, this post is going to be long enough already. Just know that, when the USA government was planning to fake the whole thing, they had just watched ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ and they were all like “that’s so cool! That’s how we want our fake moon landing to look!” So they contacted its director, Kubrick.

According to the theory, Kubrick felt really guilty afterwards but he couldn’t say anything about it because he signed an NDA? it would be dangerous, I guess. So he did the same thing Taylor would do decades later: he “spelled it out” for us on his work, under the excuse of “I didn’t explicitly said it, did I? My most intelligent and attractive fans just happened to figure it out for themselves”. 

The movie ‘The Shinning’ has been analysed to shreds. Think ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ music video, but 2 hours and 26 minutes instead. There are many theories about its underlying theme, but we’re only focusing on the moon landing one. The biggest piece of evidence, according to believers, comes from that famous scene in the hallway. Basically, the kid, Danny, is on the floor playing and wearing an Apollo 11 sweater. He stands up = the rocket launches. He walks to Room N.237. Which is almost an anagram for MOON - but actually, a perfect anagram for MORON - I didn’t come up with that joke, I’m just sharing it. Anyway. In the book, the room number is 217 but Kubrick changed it to 237 because there are 237,000 miles between the Earth and the Moon... except that’s not exactly true, but this is their Kissgate, you see? 

“Paul is Dead” aka “the granddaddy of Kaylor is Real”

Now, this is THE conspiracy theory. Kaylors would love to have the amount of evidence this theory has. Give them 50 years, they’ll get there. 

Our story starts in 1966, Paul McCartney dies in a car accident. The British Government panics, “this will drive our teenagers into a massive suicide!” So they cover it up. They find this guy who looks like Paul and hire him to replace the original. 

You might’ve only heard about those stores where pop-stars get their beards. But there’s also a branch that focuses on celebrity look-a-likes.

The rest of The Beatles went along with it (because that’s how these artists seem to operate, they’re always the victims of their circumstances) but they did not like it. So - you guessed it - they used their music, artwork, photo-shoots, etc. to communicate the truth. Faux-Paul might’ve felt a bit awkward about it, but he’s a nice chap and let the other guys work through their grief. 

Kaylors might have agreed on blue being the colour of breaks up and yellow is for Karlie-Sunshine; but the Paul-truthers concluded white is the colour of heaven, jeans are for gravediggers and black for morticians... oh! And not wearing shoes means you’re dead. Taylor being near a door symbolises her leaving the closet; Paul being near an open trunk symbolises him being in a coffin. Is the letter K, for Karlie, surrounding Taylor? Well, there’s a 28IF in the plaques of a car, for Paul being 28 IF he hadn’t died. People hear a phantasmagorical “she” in ‘Call It What You Want’; just like people heard “I buried Paul” in ‘Strawberry Fields Forever’.

If you have never looked up this theory, I seriously recommend it. There are so many parallels with Kaylor. Here’s a 30 minute video, if you’re interested. It summarises the theory neatly while discussing the effects that these, seemingly innocent, conspiracies have on the way we absorb information.

Paul might be dead but 2pac is very much alive.

If I haven’t made it clear by now, I think it’s very deceptive to use a musician’s lyrics to back up your alternate version of events. As confessional as these verses can be, they’re still a form of art. Which, in terms of music lyrics, they need to follow certain parameters, as well as a desired sound. And, as many other forms of art, they might focus a bit more on transmitting a feeling, rather than an accurate portrayal of reality.

Why am I stopping to say all of this now? Well, because this specific theory relies a lot on Tupac’s lyrics.

A bit of context: In 1996, Tupac Shakur was shot 4 times while at a stoplight. He died from his injuries days later. While there are theories, to this day, no one knows who killed him. Unless you believe one of those theories, which claims no one did.

The believers of this theory cite Tupac’s lyrics to argue that he was explicitly telling his fans that he was going to fake his own death. Here are two examples:

I’ve been shot and murdered, can’t tell you how it happened word for word but best believe that n*****’ gonna get what they deserve. - Richie Rich’s N***** Done Change

I heard rumours that I died murdered in cold blood, traumatised pictures of me in my final states — you know mama cried. But that was fiction, some coward got the story twisted - Aint’ Hard 2 Find

Just like anti-Kaylors don’t necessarily oppose the idea of Taylor being gay; I bet the “antis” of this theory aren’t happy Tupac died and weren’t against his existence on the first place. It’s more of an argument about confusing your feelings with facts, just because they can be more comforting or exciting.

“Avril Lavigne is dead”... or “every artist you think is alive is, actually, dead and, the ones you think are dead, aren’t” I guess.

After everything we have seen, this one isn’t that interesting. The real Avril died in 2003, right after her first album. Her record label bought a new one. Proof? She says ‘dead’ in ‘My Happy Ending’, blah, blah. A poor man’s “Paul is Dead”.

I added it, mainly for the lulz, after the last entry, I needed them. But also because it all started with a blog. What’s hilarious is that the guy who created it admitted he only did it to show how gullible people are but, at that point, he had already convinced people about. The conspirators didn’t need him anymore. So they discarded him but not the Theory... which just reminds me a little too much of how TCG, HBH, Jennyboom &co. have been excommunicated from the Church of Kaylor.

Beyonce and Jay Z are members of the sexy sexy Illuminati.

I did not save the best for last. But maybe I’m just biased because the Illuminati theory bores me to death. However, if you allow me a bit of social criticism... remember how the Shakespeare Conspiracy started because a bunch of classicist people didn’t believe a lower class citizen could write such good plays? I think this one has a bit of that. I’d bet my life that this one started when a bunch of white dudes got super uncomfortable by black people being so talented and earning their successful.

What this Conspiracy shows, too, is the amplifying effect the internet has had on the proliferation of such theories. Most of the conspiracies I’ve mentioned were huge... but how were you supposed to communicate your ideas and add to the old ones, before the internet? You could publish a book. Talk about it at parties. And, at some point, there were internet forums but, still, you can’t compare that to how widespread Social Media is nowadays. 

Today, we can watch someone ramble for 2 hours on YouTube about how Beyonce looks like a robot if you watch Single Ladies in reverse; read someone’s dissertation of ‘Apeshit’; or spend all night looking at those pictures where someone has drawn a red circle around anything that resembles a triangle. 

It might look like a lot of evidence but that’s only because there are a lot of people very attached to this theory. Wanting - for whatever reason - for it to be true (perhaps because it would confirm that their fears about the world were well founded). And all those dozens or hundredths of people were working together to form as many patterns as possible.

Unfortunately we are going to keep talking about the Illuminati in Part 3 but also about Taylor, so that should be nice. Because - to the surprise of absolutely no one - there’s a bunch of people who also think they understand Taylor better than the rest. That they have figured out her secret codes and her ultimate message. Only, not all of those theories involve lesbian supermodels, so they aren’t as popular on Tumblr.

[chut-je-dors]

im sorry but i kinda disagree with your stance on this whole John and Paul who is the sub/bottom debate. It’s not right for you to keep saying how paul being a dom is canon bc none of us know how paul was/is in bed and we can’t just look at his personality and make that determination. imo that’s just as harmful as assuming he’s a sub based on his looks. also you’re kind of projecting a sub role onto John based on those same things (looks and perceived personality) which is a bit hypocritical (1)

(CONT)

I agree sometimes sexism seems to fuel people’s portrayal of paul in fics but at the end of the days it’s just fiction and none of us actually know j or p so it actually shouldn’t matter what people write them as or even why they do it (we shouldn’t project a motive into people and assume intention). I hope this didn’t come across as harsh or curt or mean. I really love your blog and your writing but i just didn’t agree with your take. Have a great day/night ❤️ (2)

Ooooh yeah I definitely agree with the whole “none of us know” thing. you can’t look at canon john and paul and say “these dudes are this and that” cos you don’t KNOW. for me the fandom is all about having fun, writing fics and stuff, and it’s fun to speculate about these guys! so when i said in the post that john is the subbiest sub it’s the same as puck going “paul got pegged by linda and that is a FACT, CHANGE MY MIND”, and then we laugh. we mean this stuff as in “hoho, imagine if! haha. would be wild. heheh.”, y’kno?? whereas in fact WE DON’T KNOW, 

what spurred that particular post was that one specific type of fics where you have people being born into sub and dom roles and the society having like, idk, rules for them i guess?, and then somehow those fics at least seemed to have paul as the sub by definition (haven’t looked at ao3 that closely in a year, so this could’ve changed by now) -- which seems weird to me cos if you’re aiming for at least a SOMEWHAT accurate characterisation of john lennon and paul mccartney (never truly accurate, no matter how close you seem to get, cos WE DONT KNOW, haha), it’d be odd for john to NOT be the sub at least ONCE, since i see his “canon” personality traits being more easily modified into the role of a sub. (not saying paul doesn’t have those traits!!! it’s just, when it’s nearly  always him... i fear it’s abt the same thing as him traditionally being the bottom based on his looks) personally i think both would’ve been switches, but again, i can’t know that

idk if i’m explaining myself well here, but that is what the post was. i know i didn’t specify a lot in it and that’s on me, but at the same time i nEVER thoUGHT PEOPLE WOULD LIKE, ACTUALLY START A WHOLE DISCOURSE ABOUT IT. IT WAS JUST ME OBSERVING THINGS ALOUD IN THE VOID SO,,, help

as predominantly an au writer i’m all about exploring different scenarios, the “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if.../what would happen if.../what would they be like if...”. so if you got paul as the sub, cool! if you got john as the sub, cool! it’s when different authors all seem to go for the same scenario, repeatedly, without considering doing it the other way around (been a problem with bottom!paul... with sub!paul... macho!john, girly!paul...) when i start questioning it a little. ultimately it’s the author’s own choice what to do with the characters and how to build their personality. but i think furthering that perception of their characters into, say, switching the traditional roles around, is much more fun in the end, and brings some fresh air into the fandom.

basically, the more diversity there is, the more people will be attracted by the fandom, thus the fandom grows, the diversity grows, rinse and repeat. and the well-being of this fandom is one of my main priorities, because being in this fandom is so much fun and it’s so dear to me, that i’d hate to see it wither away (hence the whole... library... thing, to support the authors). so i attempt to give a little nudge to the authors to think of the possibilities as well.

(like... the whole ten minutes fic started from the idea “hey, what if john was the prostitute for once”, cos you have so many fics with paul as the prostitute, and... not that many with john, at least back then, whereas i feel that from the two of them, semi-realistically speaking, considering what we know of their real personalities and looking at their actions... john might be the one to go for that sort of thing for fun, re: the whole 70′s pushing the boundaries of his sexuality. again.... just, diversity. both. both is good.)

so. um, long story short, you’re right and i agree with all your points? hahah

thanks for the ask tho!!! don’t worry about sounding mean, this was a really polite and good ask, thank you! i really do hope i managed to... at least shed some light into my thought process? you can disagree with everything i wrote of course, that’s completely fine! or if there’s something that was left unclear, or you feel confused by something, just send an ask and i’ll do my best to answer it. sometimes i say things “wrong” or can’t express my thoughts well, (which is apparently part of the ADHD gig), so rlly, don’t hesitate to tell me if there’s still something bugging you!!

[thecoleopterawithana]

Hello! I really adore your blog and all the work you put into it! It's well appriciated. Anyways, a real question - how do you feel about Paul and Jane's relationship? Because it confuses me on so many levels. I find it very hard to believe she didn't know about his many affairs while they were together, yet the public reason for their break up is his adultery with Francie who denied that (I mean who even reported that?). 1/3

The other thing that confuses me is the fact that he was writing basically break up songs (but I didn’t register a lot of love there tbh) back in 66 and they somehow managed to last until 68, even though they totally didn’t give the impression of a good match (her ambition and his desire for housewife/bachelor life) nor did they seem as if they loved each other very much (at least publically).

The last part of the question, are you aware of a love song he wrote for her? I know some people think Here There and Everywhere but her brother apparently disagrees. Anyways, these are just my feelings and idk if I am not under a wrong impression here or something. I also don’t want it to sound like I am theoretizing here about it being a cover up for mclennon - because I am not! I think of it more as a publicity stunt for publicity…

…(even though I think it evolved into that over the course of time and it began more like Paul showing off with this pretty actress he managed to woo). What do you think? Thank you for your answer and sorry for the lenght, haha! R. 😎

Hey there! Thank you so much for the ask and a million apologies for taking so long to answer! It’s just that I had no opinion to speak of, at the time. 

I was just beginning to attempt getting a grasp on Paul– and to better comprehend my main interest of Lennon/McCartney– and hadn’t branched into the other people in his life yet. But to reach a true understanding, it is crucial to look at the full picture; and Jane was very much part of that picture, during a long and formative time!

Now, I must warn you that I’m nowhere near a Jane Asher connoisseur! This post comes with the disclaimer that I don’t feel adequately informed to answer it. But you asked, and it has been sitting in my inbox long enough, so… take my personal opinions for what they (always) are: honest (but probably flawed) attempts at understanding the emotional workings of human beings, based on the information available to me at the time. 

But because I feel like there is more information out there that I just didn’t find in the targeted research for this post, I urge more knowledgeable fans to give their contributions and/or correct me if I make some factual mistake. 

So, disclaimer given, here’s the actual answer:

I understand and empathize with your confusion regarding their relationship. I think it’s just a feeling that arises from the lack of information. After all, theirs was a relationship under intense public scrutiny from the very beginning, but whose actual inner workings were kept – through the effort of both parties – determinately private and personal. That’s always how Paul prefered it. And, effectively demonstrated by her resolute silence since, so has Jane. 

The main feeling I get from Paul and Jane is that they were both incredibly similar people, who also had somewhat separate interests. And this seems to have been both what attracted them to one another, and what eventually made them grow apart. 

Both of them were very socially adept; “good mixers”. Brian Sommerville (the Beatles’ publicity manager from 1963-1964) describes Jane as “a very sweet, extroverted girl […] bright, very conversational and full of fun”. This kind of sounds like Paul at his most gregarious. 

They were incredibly intelligent. And if Jane was cultured and knowledgeable, Paul was intensely curious, and soon became cultured and knowledgeable himself. And Paul himself openly admits that he was always attracted to “intelligent and talented people”. 

And we must acknowledge that the Asher’s lifestyle as a whole was something that captivated Paul (enough to have him literally move in with them as soon as he could). It had been instilled into him from early on, after all, this great appreciation for education and the drive to do better and rise out of his circumstances. 

[My parents] aspired to a better life. That idea that we had to get out of here, we had to do better than this. This was okay for everyone else in the street but we could do better than this. She was always moving to what she saw as a better place to bring her kids up.

[…]

My parents aspired for us, very much indeed. That is one of the great things you can find in ordinary people. My mum wanted me to be a doctor. ‘My son the doctor’ - and her being a nurse, too. No problem there. And my dad, who left school at fourteen, would have loved me to be a great scientist, a great university graduate. I always feel grateful for that. I mean, God, I certainly fulfilled their aspirations, talk about overachieving! That was all bred into me, that.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

People call Paul a “social climber” to demean him; and because the term is used to attack him, others defend him by saying his relationship with Jane had nothing to do with social climbing. But I don’t think this should be derogatory in the first place! 

Paul was ambitious; he did want to gain a higher social status. Not because he felt that made him inherently better than others; he’d just been raised to feel a sense of responsibility for being the best that he could be, and not live in poverty anymore! And what’s wrong with that, I’d like to know? 

All the Beatles wanted success, fame and status, so all of them were social climbers, in a sense. 

So what if one of the things that attracted Paul to Jane was that she was educated and cultured? It seems like a perfectly valid reason to be genuinely into someone to me.

Of course, both of them were beautiful. As Tony Barrow (the Beatles’ press officer) put it: “There was something about seeing them together that was magical. With those two gorgeous faces and all that incredible charisma, they looked like a couple of Greek gods.”  So the physical attraction was also obviously there.

And I don’t doubt that Paul was proud to have such a beautiful, talented and interesting person as a girlfriend, and might have felt like showing her off to friends. But I don’t think that lessens how enamoured they were with one another. If the whole relationship was being performed for outwards appreciation, I feel like there’d be a lot more performing going on. Instead, they never revealed more than they needed to, nor did they stop living to hide from the public eye. 

If there publicity strategies to it, they never came from Brian Epstein himself, who actually thought that the Beatles having girlfriends was a marketing mistake:

There was a considerable difference of opinion over the Jane Asher situation. Brian made a terrible fuss about it, saying that it would offend the fans. But, in effect, Paul just told him to mind his own business. Brian was probably just being over-cautious, and Paul more far-sighted, knowing that that sort of thing didn’t matter. But at the time it was a textbook rule of publicity that the artist must appear single and available.

— Brian Sommerville, in Chris Salewicz’s McCartney (1986).   

So the relationship wasn’t arranged as a publicity stunt. I feel like everything points to them just genuinely liking each other. 

(And now just an honest question to those of you who’ve been longer in the fandom: is George’s relationship with Pattie Boyd also suspected to be a publicity stunt? Because I don’t know if this has just escaped my notice, or if this claim is something that afflicts only Paul and Jane specifically. And if so, why do you think that is?)

But going back to their similarities, both Jane and Paul were incredibly independent, self-assured and work-oriented. And I think it was the clash of their strong personalities that actually caused the bumps in the relationship. 

Paul likes to be in control of himself and to some extent the environment around him. And he’d grown up in a society where it was acceptable for that to extend to his girlfriends. 

John and I lusted after Brigitte Bardot in our teen yearsand tried to make our girlfriends look like her. […] I had a girlfriend called Dot, Dorothy Rohne, who was my steady girlfriend forquite a long time in Liverpool. She and John’s girlfriend, later wife, CynthiaPowell, came over to Hamburg and I remember buying her a leather skirt andencouraging her to grow her hair long so she’d look like Brigitte.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997). 

Jane, of course, wasn’t willing to be moulded so easily.

That’s typical Paul [wanting me to stay inside the George V Hotel with the band instead of going out by myself to see Paris]. It’s just so silly of me to stay at the hotel. It’s just that he’s so insecure. For instance, he keeps saying he’s not interested in the future, but he must be because he says it so often. The trouble is, he wants the fans’ adulation and mine too. He’s so selfish, it’s his biggest fault. He can’t see that my feelings for him are real and that the fans’ are fantasy. Of course, it’s the trouble with all boys.

—Jane Asher, c/o Michael Braun, Love Me Do!: The Beatles’ Progress. (1964)

This little passage shows us Jane’s insights into the “darker” sides of Paul’s character that other’s wouldn’t often see. His insecurities: fear that Jane would betray him, anxieties about the future and his need to be liked. And this level of understanding shows either an incredible perceptiveness and emotional intelligence on Jane’s part, or it is another sign of how close they were and how well they knew each other. 

That Paul was understood like that by another person is extremely important! As he was reported saying after their breakup in 1968: 

Jane wasn’t just my woman, she was my closest friend. I’ve told her everything inside me. She knows what makes me tick down to things that happened as a kid. I went right through all the stuff about my mother dying and how I dealt with that. With Jane, I could just relax completely and be myself and that seemed to be what she wanted. With the other women, I’m a fucking millionaire rock star who just happens to be about as shallow as a puddle.

—in Alistair Taylor’s With the Beatles (2003).

Or just before that, as observed during the extensive interviews for the Beatles’ authorized biography, in 1967:

[Paul’s] life is much quieter and more ordered now. Paul is very communicative about himself, unlike the others. He talks everything over with Jane. She knows what he’s thinking.

— in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

And I can’t stress enough how significant it is that Paul was open in such a way! It just shows how much he respected and trusted Jane. 

And I think she also trusted him. With this I don’t mean to say that she trusted him not to sleep around; I don’t believe for a minute she didn’t know about it. And because she doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of person who would endure it if she was actually betrayed and hurt by this, my personal opinion is that this was a given; something known and accepted between them. And probably not just one-way either. They spent long periods apart, after all, and I think both Paul and Jane had agreed between themselves that it was okay to have affairs. I don’t know exactly the specifics of it, or if this was revoked when they got engaged. 

But I don’t think that was the (main) reason the engagement was called off either.

It is clear they enjoyed the other’s company, from the amount of time they spent on outings and holidays alone together. But both also seem rather uncompromising in respects to their personal careers, and that probably lead to clashes. During 1965 they spend a lot of time apart when Jane pursues her acting career in Bristol Old Vic company.

My whole existence for so long centred around a bachelor life. I didn’t treat women as most people do. I’ve always had a lot around, even when I’ve had a steady girl. My life generally has always been very lax, and not normal.

I knew it was selfish. It caused a few rows. Jane left me once and went off to Bristol to act. I said OK then, leave, I’ll find someone else. It was shattering to be without her.

— Paul McCartney, in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

Paul’s frustrations were exercised through ‘We Can Work It Out’ and ‘I’m Looking Through You’:

I wrote quite a lot of stuff up in that room actually [in Jane Asher’s family home]. I’m Looking Through You I seem to remember after an argument with Jane. There were a few of those moments. […]

As is one’s wont in relationships, you will from time to time argue or not see eye to eye on things, and a couple of the songs around this period were that kind of thing. This one I remember particularly as me being disillusioned over her commitment. She went down to the Bristol Old Vic quite a lot around this time. Suffice to say that this one was probably related to that romantic episode and I was seeing through her façade. And realising that it wasn’t quite all that it seemed. I would write it out in a song and then I’ve got rid of the emotion. I don’t hold grudges so that gets rid of that little bit of emotional baggage. I remember specifically this one being about that, getting rid of some emotional baggage. ‘I’m looking through you, and you’re not there!’

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

You’re thinking of me the same old wayYou were above me, but not todayThe only difference is you’re down thereI’m looking through you and you’re nowhere

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right? Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight

I’m looking through you, where did you go I thought I knew you, what did I know You don’t look different, but you have changedI’m looking through you, you’re not the same

Paul was especially shaken by this episode when it became apparent that she might actually leave him for her other boyfriend:

I remember more one time when she was working at the Bristol Old Vic and she’d got a boyfriend in Bristol and was going to leave me for him. That was wildly traumatic, that was ‘Uhhhh!’ Total rejection!

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

So to lead a better life, Paul needs his love to be here, but Jane was pursuing her own dreams:

Jane loved acting and Jane loved Paul, but she wasn’t about to give one up for the other. […] Of all the plum roles that had come her way, the Subservient Beatles Woman was the only one Jane Asher refused to play. […] She had too much going for her to take a backseat to anyone, much less her mate. From the beginning, Paul had a hard time keeping up with her. Jane’s diary, which she lived by, was a clutter of fascinating appointments and social commitments. “I was amazed by the diary,” Paul admitted. “I’ve never known people who stuffed so much into a day.” There were auditions, meetings with television and movie producers, vocal lessons, acting classes, fittings, gallery debuts, screenings, recitals, opening nights. […] “Paul was clearly in awe of her,” says Peter Brown. 

— in Bob Spitz’s The Beatles: The Biography (2005).

And though they both loved culture and the swinging London scene, Jane wasn’t into all the drugs or the rock-n’-roll world. So when they moved together to Cavendish in March 1966, their slightly different social circles often didn’t mix well.

At Wimpole Street, he and Jane had kept their social lives mainly separate. At Cavendish, she naturally wanted to entertain her theatre friends, and the mix of luvvies and rockers could sometimes be awkward. One evening when she had some fellow actors to dinner, Paul arrived home with John, who–whether the result of drink or pot or just plain Lennonness–was at his most maliciously provocative. When one of the actresses at the table nervously requested an ashtray, he knelt beside her and facetiously offered one of his nostrils for the purpose. Jane, with her usual sangfroid, simply extended a foot and pushed him over.

— in Phillip Norman’s Paul McCartney: The Biography (2016).

On this same month, during a skiing holiday in Switzerland, Paul writes ‘For No One’.

It was very nice and I remember writing 'For No One’ there.I suspect it was about another argument. I don’t have easy relationships withwomen, I never have. I talk too much truth.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

It’s interesting to me that Paul’s problem in his relationship with women is “talking too much truth”. But by the lyrics in the song, we see that once again Paul is struggling with Jane’s self-reliance and her perceived lack-of-interest for him (which I also find endlessly ironic):

She wakes up, she makes upShe takes her time and doesn’t feel she has to hurryShe no longer needs you

You want her, you need herAnd yet you don’t believe her when she says her love is deadYou think she needs you

You stay home, she goes outShe says that long ago she knew someone but now he’s goneShe doesn’t need him

Your day breaks, your mind achesThere will be times when all the things she said will fill your headYou won’t forget her

And in her eyes you see nothingNo sign of love behind the tearsCried for no oneA love that should have lasted years!

The next big separation comes in 1967, when Jane goes on a tour of the US for the first five months of the year. This was, of course, a time of tectonic changes within the Beatles and in Paul’s life. 

When I came back after five months, Paul had changed so much. He was on LSD which I hadn’t shared. I was jealous of the spiritual experiences he’d had with John.

—Jane Asher, in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

It must have been extremely disorientating to come back to the tripping, summer-of-love, looking-for-the-Meaning Paul. But to their credit, they did try to get to know one another again; reconnect:

On Jane’s return from America, she and Paul made a last-ditch stand to consolidate their relationship. Jane, unusually, even accompanied Paul to a recording session on 20 July 1967 […] Two days after the session, Jane accompanied Paul to Greece with the other Beatles. In August Jane was with him on the trip to Bangor to be initiated by the Maharishi, and during the difficult days following Brian’s death she was clearly a great source of strength and comfort to him; someone familiar and safe he could trust and confide in; someone with all the attributes of a wife. They spent the first three weeks of December alone together in Paul’s remote Scottish farm­house and four days later, on Christmas Day, 1967, they announced to Paul’s family - perhaps slightly to their own surprise - their engagement.

— in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

Jane and Paul make a very loving and lovely couple. Everyone agrees on this. […] Paul and Jane have more time together, on their own, than probably the other Beatle couples. They do get away together, to places like their Scottish home, thanks to Jane. They were the first to want to move to the country for good, to a quieter smaller house, which John and George now also want to do.

—in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

When they got engaged, on Christmas Day 1967, all these problems were in the past. Maharishi, for a long time, was the only little point of difference, although it was all amicable. Jane didn’t fall for him when the others did, although she understood the attraction. She would obviously have preferred to try to reach a spiritual state on their own. Paul wasn’t as committed as George and John when he went with Jane to India in 1968, but he felt there was something there that would help him, that might answer his questions. So Jane agreed to go with him. 

— in Hunter Davies’ The Beatles (1968).

Suffice it to say, Paul didn’t get his answers. In fact, the reality he knew was about to crumble.

The summer of 1968 was a horrible storm of drugs, anxiety and heartbreak, where he had to take care of this budding enterprise while managing a band and losing both his partners. And I think Alistair Taylor’s descriptions of a completely wrecked Paul reflect all of that. 

It’s curious then how Paul recalls his reaction to the calling off of the engagement later:

I don’t remember [his and Jane’s eventual] breakup as being traumatic, really. I remember more one time when she was working at the Bristol Old Vic and she’d got a boyfriend in Bristol and was going to leave me for him. That was wildly traumatic, that was ‘Uhhhh!’ Total rejection! We got back together again but I had already gone through that when we eventually split up. It seemed it had to happen. It felt right.

— Paul McCartney, in Barry Miles’ Many Years From Now (1997).

They were eventually both at peace with the decision. Paul has expressed that he had an intuitive unconscious reticence over actually marrying Jane. And Jane herself had felt that they’d grown too much and apart as people. She surmises: 

“And I had four [wonderful years].

“No, it wasn’t love at first sight on my side. It was several months before I felt at all certain. And of course, I was young. Only seventeen. Inevitably, one changes. After all, Paul himself was only twenty when we met.

“I knew in my bones that the break must inevitably come a long time before it actually happened. Although we had this emotional thing for each other, we found it difficult to be really happy together.”

I remembered, then, the character in another play who had cried: “I am not offering you happiness, but love.” And I remembered, too, how that great J. L. Garvin had once told me when I was Jane’s age: “Everything in life makes either for happiness or experience.”

“And sometimes the experience is more important,” I suggested now.

She nodded as she got up to go.

“I long to improve as an actress and I hope what’s happened to me will make me understand more fully the characters I am asked to play. Anyway, I promise you, I wouldn’t not have had it happen. I mean, I am very, very grateful for those four years. And I am not going to look back in bitterness or anger, but only forward.

“People are such bores who make a drama out of their lost loves. In every case someone has to fall out of love first.”

—Jane Asher, interview w/ Godfrey Winn for The Australian Women’s Weekly: Girl with a broken love affair. (April 23rd, 1969)

So here’s my overview of Paul and Jane. 

I feel like their relationship was very genuine and organic, so much so that they eventually grew in different directions. But they were nevertheless very important and formative figures in each other’s lives. 

And it was personally very interesting for me to see this side of Paul too, the one whose needs are left unmet by a driven, work-oriented, independent partner, and how he reacted to that. 

Jane herself is an awesome woman in her own right, and I loved this chance to get to know her a little better.

As for love songs written from Paul to Jane, I would ask for the help of more well-informed fans! I’m sure many of the feelings expressed in his love songs were also inspired in part by his experiences with Jane. Is there one particular song out there which has been stated to be about her?

[flirting-with-psychology]

REFLECTIONS Answer the following questions:

What is the single best thing that happened in the past year?

2015:  The beginning of the fall semester when I grew a lot more confidence

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Graduated

2018: Moved into the B Flat

2019: Got a boyfriend

 2. What is the most challenging thing that happened to you in 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: Getting over Marble maybe

2016: Getting over Hawaii

2017: Making my 4500 film

2018: The music videos I did

2019: Deciding whether to date my now boyfriend

 3. What thing did you learn the most from this year?

2015: Hawaii and Marble

2016: My film class

2017: Also my film class

2018: My film jobs and internships

2019: Starting a relationship

 4. What is the kindest thing you did this year?

2015:  I don’t think I’m the one to ask, you’d have to ask people who perceived kindness

2016: Same

2017: Same

2018: Same

2019: Same

 5. Did you lose any close family member this year?

2015: Nope

2016: No

2017: No

2018: My great aunt died

2019: No close ones, but my grandma’s dementia is getting so bad she doesn’t remember who I am

 6. Pick three words to describe 2015/16/17/18/19.

2015: A learning experience

2016: Single, senior, band

2017: Senior to graduate

2018: Almost an adult

2019: Another year older

 7. What did you do in 2015/16/17/18/19 that you never did before?

2015: Got further than I ever had in my love life

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Moved into a house with roommates

2018: Moved in with male roommates, did an internship

2019: Got a boyfriend

 8. Did you keep last year’s resolutions? What were they?

2015: Here we go. Put one happy moment from each day into a jar: YES. Go to the gym regularly: Doing better but still could use improvement. Get a summer job: Yes. Make an effort to eat breakfast: Haha nope. Make an effort to look pretty: About the same as last year. Talk to people more and appear more confident: Yes. Find things to be excited about: Not as much as I want. Find a boyfriend: NOPE. Write more: Not really. Read more: Maybe a little. Have adventures: Some, but not as much as I would like. Initiate things: Yes. Use “I” more: Yes. Be less mean to myself: Yes. Overthink less: No, still working on that. Be proud of myself for trying my best but accept not being perfect: I guess. Take responsibility: More. Be positive and enthusiastic: Still working on it. Carpe diem: Not enough.

2016: I can’t remember lol

2017: I can’t remember what I wrote. Here’s what I’ll do: write my 2018 resolutions so that when I reblog this next year I will know:

2018: Be more adventurous: Maybe? Overthink and strategize less: HA not really. Get a film job: Yes. Eat more vegetables: Maybe a little but still not enough. Go to the gym, like, ever: Yes. Read more: Kinda. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook: Not yet.

2019: Get a boyfriend: Finally did! Be more spontaneous and adventurous: Kinda? Sometimes? Lose weight and eat better: Nope. Read more books: Nope. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook: Not yet. Learn how to work hard: Not really. Spend more time with my friends: Kinda. Love myself, and be someone I love: Not really. Carpe diem: Sometimes. Keep doing the moment calendar and journal: Yes. Earn more money than I spend: Nope. Travel: Yes. Discover new music: Yes. Try new creative things: Yes. Believe in myself: Not really. Learn to be a leader: Nope. Watch more movies: Some. Think about other people: Tried to. Learn how to make mistakes: Kinda.

2020 resolutions: Get a new job. Lose weight and fit into my dresses again. Read more books. Spend more time with friends. Go on dates. Keep doing the moment calendar and journal. Try new creative things. Take risks even if they cost money. Make more money than I spend. Make jewelry. Get back to people in a timely manner. Be more punctual. Finish my harry potter spellbook and keep up with my character book. Learn new things. Be the kind of person I wish I could be. Be more open to ideas. Post more pictures online. Don’t be such a control freak. Worry less about what people think. Laugh more.

 9. Did you travel to any interesting places in 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: Went to Las Vegas for my birthday and California with the band and Kentucky to see Paul McCartney.

2016: Went to Italy, went on band trips to California and Texas

2017: Went to London with my mom, went to New Orleans for my cousin’s wedding and hooked up with my 6th grade crush, went to Wyoming for the solar eclipse

2018: Went to Las Vegas for a film shoot

2019: Went to Israel 

10. What would you like to have in 2016/17/18/19/20 that you lacked in 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: A BOYFRIEND HAHAHA

2016: Still a boyfriend lmao fml

2017: Still a boyfriend but one that I feel satisfied with. I’m not sure if I’m there with Guacamole. Also he’s not even my boyfriend yet

2018: Still a boyfriend lmao

2019: An interesting job (finally got the boyfriend!)

11. Do you even believe in new year’s resolutions? Why or why not?

2015: I think they are a good idea, for reflection as much as goals.

2016: Maybe. Idk

2017: Yeah it’s a good idea

2018: It’s always good to try to better yourself and it gives you motivation to do it

2019: It’s a good idea for goals

12. Do you believe that 2015/16/17/18/19 had an reoccurring theme for you? If so, which theme and why?

2015: No more than any other year really

2016: More like my entire life has a recurring theme of being single af

2017: Not really

2018: Boys I like having girlfriends

2019: Macy’s

13. Do you feel like 2015/16/17/18/19 went by too fast?

2015: No

2016: It went a little fast, especially now that I’m about to graduate

2017: Not really

2018: Not really, but maybe my youth went too fast

2019: It went by too fast for how much I accomplished

14. Did you fall in love with any new artists during the year 2015/16/17/18/19? List them.

2015: I fell back in love with Taylor Swift

2016: Collabro

2017: Anastasia the Musical cast, and Hamilton is growing on me

2018: A bunch of musicals

2019: My musicals playlist on spotify has Rent, Dear Evan Hansen, Legally Blonde, Galavant, Hamilton, A Star Is Born, Frozen 2

15. Brag about two of your accomplishments in 2015/16/17/18/19.

2015: I made a couple cool music videos, and I lost some weight after increasing my gym attendance.

2016: I made a short film, Pancakes, with a full crew. I got straight A’s in the spring.

2017: I graduated and I made another short film

2018: I worked on two film shoots and I got promoted at work

2019: I stayed in touch with friends I made on a film shoot, and I got a boyfriend

 16. What was your favorite movie that came out this year?

2015: The Martian

2016: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

2017: Coco

2018: A Star Is Born

2019: Rocketman

 17. Fill in the blank: In 2016/17/18/19/20 I will ____________.

2015: Get the confidence back that I had in the fall

2016: Graduate college

2017: Start looking for film jobs

2018: Find myself

2019: Find a new job

 18. If you could fly anywhere in the world in 2016/17/18/19/20, where would you go?

2015: Italy, and I plan to!

2016: London, and I plan to

2017: Scotland or Ireland, and I don’t have any plans to

2018: Maybe that Israel birthright thing

2019: Maybe Ireland or Amsterdam

 19. What was your biggest regret of 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: Worrying about the future when I had something good rather than just enjoying it

2016: Not trying enough in making friends and making the most out of it

2017: Maybe not getting quite enough out of college

2018: Forgetting or never quite learning how to work hard. That and not asking a cute guy out in time

2019: Not buying that moonstone necklace

 20. Do you think you’ll be having a better 2016/17/18/19/20 than 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: I hope so

2016: I hope so

2017: I hope so

2018: I hope so and I think so

2019: I sure hope so

21. Did you make any new friends this year? Lose any friends?

2015: I got closer with some friends :)

2016: I made some new band and film friends. One of my friends from freshman year died.

2017: I almost lost a friend but now we seem to be friends again. I also made some new ones

2018: I made some new ones, and kinda stopped being friends with some of my old roommates

2019: I think I got closer to some friends

22. What was the biggest adventure of the last year?

2015: Hawaii, I think

2016: Studying abroad

2017: Moving out and starting to adult

2018: The film shoots

2019: Dating my boyfriend

23. Did you get cake on your birthday? Presents? What you wanted?

2015: Yeah I went to Vegas which was cool! Got cake and alcohol and presents

2016: I did not get cake but I got IHOP. I got presents, and the football team won the game that day sending us to the PAC 12 Championship

2017: I got pancakes, presents, and maybe I’m starting to get what I wanted?

2018: I got chocolate mousse and presents and I didn’t even know what I wanted

2019: I got cake and presents including one thing I wanted

24. How much did you change this year? What’s different about you?

2016: Not too much has changed but I think I’m prettier, more confident, braver, and value bravery more.

2016: I’m lazier, gained back the weight that I lost last year, and lost some of the confidence from last year. Wow…

2017: I’m not a student anymore

2018: I maybe lost some of my hope in my love life and felt more set in my ways

2019: I don’t have as much FOMO but I’m also getting more frustrated with my life

CONFESSIONS

Bold the statements that are true (2015) and cross out (2016) and italicize (2017) and I’m running out of formats so CAPS (2018) and *star (2019)

In the year 2015/2016/2017/2018/2019 I confess that I….

KISSED SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER KISSED BEFORE. *DID SOMETHING I REGRET. *Painted a picture. *Dyed my hair. Got a new haircut I thought I’d never get before. Wrote a poem. Graduated from High School. Graduated from College. Applied for Graduate School. RAN A MILE. Ate much healthier. Ended toxic friendships. *GAINED A NEW FRIEND. Gained a new best friend. *Visited a foreign country. *LIED. *HAD A FIGHT WITH MY PARENTS. *HAD A SECRET/KEPT A SECRET. Realized my homosexuality. REALIZED MY BISEXUALITY. (OR AT LEAST QUESTIONED IT) Realized my pansexuality. Realized my asexuality. *Broke a promise. *Slept under the stars. *STAYED UP TILL SUNRISE. *PUSHED SOMEONE AWAY. *Got in a fight. SLEPT WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER. *ATTENDED A PARTY. Got dumped. Got a new piercing/tattoo. Learned that I wasn’t cis gender. Drank underage/used illegal substances. *ATTENDED A CONCERT. *ATTENDED A MUSICAL. *TRAVELED TO ANOTHER CITY. *Broke someone’s heart. *Hiding something from someone. *MADE SOMEONE’S DAY. Cheated on a test/homework. Physically cheated on my significant other. *Emotionally cheated on my significant other. Quit a job. GOT A NEW JOB. Learned to hate someone I thought I never would. Learned to be more patient. Saw the supermoon. SAW THE METEOR SHOWER.

[szappan]

tag time, thank you!

 Hello, I hope you’re all having a nice day. The things I was tagged in have clumped up so I thought I could just do them all now. Thank you to everyone who tagged me!!!

1. Diana @britneyshakespeare (thank you so much!!)

Rules: tag people you’d like to get to know better! (reading this i felt like one of those crying cats, im so honoured seriously thank you)

Top 10 songs I can’t stop listening to: this is actually very well-timed because i can actually name these and also @sastrugie tagged me in a similar one, thank you:

You Ain’t Going Nowhere - Bob Dylan

Atlantis - Donovan

All La Glory - The Band

Moondance - Van Morrison

Šlechtici - Golden Kids

Not Enough - FUR

Leave Her, Johnny - George Sneez

Be Bop A Lula - Gene Vincent

Series Of Dreams - Bob Dylan

Márti Dala - Pásztor Anna & Kiss Tibi

Favorite color(s): all but orange on its own. orange paired with something else is fine. it’s amazing if it’s obnoxious.

Favorite ships: two white cats they’re husband and wife, the coconut lorikeets in denver zoo and merthur

Lipstick or chapstick: neh

Last Movie: my brother and i watched Thor: Ragnarök again last week, I think that was it. I’ve been really trying to watch more movies lately, especially considering how it’s the primary art source of the era (not really but it is kinda.. what)

Currently Reading: Winnie the Pooh

i’ll tag everyone at the end of this, thank you!

2. thank you @smittyjaws and @savoy-brown-shoe for this tag from ages ago!

the point is that i shuffle my music library and list the first ten that come up

 A 67-es Út - Republic

Death Of A Clowd - The Kinks (look at this babie)

Feel A Whole Lot Better - Tom Petty

Somebody To Love - Queen 

Paintbox - Pink Floyd

Piano Concerto No. 1 - Tchaikovsky

No Time To Think - Bob Dylan

The Diary Of Horace Wimp - ELO

The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down - The Band

Oh! Darling - The Beatles

thank u!

3. thank you @thenesmith for this here very 7 questions tag! i love the format you did this in by the way and also @britneyshakespeare too!!

Relationship status: i’m not in a romantic relationship with anyone

Favourite colour: see above but i also realized that i really like that blue that my corduroy shirt is, it’s like light but strong and muted at the same time

Lipstick or chapstick?: no thank you

Top three ships: yuh

Last song I listened to: I’m listening to Help! by the Beatles, thank you youtube autoplay

Spell out your name with song titles: W - Wonderboy - The Kinks I - I Love My Shirt - Donovan L - Lod’ Do Neznáma - Tublatanka E - Everyday - Buddy Holly S - Summer ‘68- Pink Floyd 

4. Thank you, Diana @britneyshakespeare yet again!

15 questions, 15 mutuals

Are you named after someone? I am not.

When was the last time you cried? Two days ago on the way home on the bus because I was thinking of a song that made me cry

Do you have kids? no thankfully

Do you use sarcasm a lot? I try not to

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Well, I guess at first glance I see how they look, but behaviour-vise I tend to notice how aware they are of their surroundings

What’s your eye colour? You know that post telling hazel-eyed people to shut up? Brownish-green. Totally green if the lights are right. Totally brown when the lights are not right etc

Scary movie or happy ending? Both can be good, especially combined

Any special talents? I can bend my left thumb in a way that it looks like my hand is broken

Where were you born? Right in the middle of Budapest in a hospital

What are your hobbies? Reading, drawing whatever i can, i guess music, ruining various pieces of clothing with various techniques, putting whatever spices i see in whatever dish i’m making, being gentle with my cat

Do you have any pets? cat

What sport do you/have you played? I used to swim a lot, even tried synchronized swimming for a year or two, then gymnastics when I was littol, then I took up karate and broke my arm three months in so I quit, I tried ballet too this year but that’s over now and I also did yoga for a few months so yeah these are the official ones

How tall are you? 5′4″? 164 cm?

Favourite subject in school? I don’t dislike any of them. I like English a lot tho

Dream job? shepherd. but a lot of people told me that i have potential to better the world and i want to do that too somehow but also if i could just focus on getting through each day not by making money but by making bread or yes, herding sheep, i would do that too.

thank you!!

5. thank you @thenesmith again! this is to post gifs of my top 5 favourite movies. (currently)

1. Spider-man: Homecoming

2. The Road To El Dorado

3. Labyrinth

4. The Rutles - All You Need Is Cash

5. idk Back to the Future

wuh

6. thank you, @siliconpine!

20 songs tag game

A song you like with a color in the title || Crimson and Clover - Tommy James & The Shondells

A song you like with a number in the title || Fourth Time Around - Bob Dylan

A song that reminds you of summertime || Mary Jane’s Last Dance - Tom Petty (obvi)

A song that reminds you of someone you’d rather forget || i dont think theres a song such as this because i dont like forgetting people

A song that needs to be played LOUD || Birthday - The Beatles

A song that makes you wanna dance || anything pink floyd because i came to the conclusion that you cant dance to pink floyd so i always want to prove myself wrong

A song that makes you happy || Happiness Runs - Donovan

A song that you never get tired of || Ophelia - The Band

A song that you would love played at your wedding || Light A Roman Candle With Me - fun.

A song that is a cover by another artist || Dream A Little Dream Of Me - The Mamas & the Papas

A song that you have sung as a duet at karaoke || none sadly

A song that makes you think about life ||  It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding) - Bob Dylan

A favorite song with a person’s name in the title || Maxine - Traveling Wilburys

A song that you think everybody should listen to || It’s Nice To Be Nice - Pugwash

A song by a band you wish were still together || See My Friends - The Kinks

A song by an artist no longer living || Rock & Roll Suicide - David Bowie

A song that makes you want to fall in love || I Got You Babe - Sonny and Cher

A song that breaks your heart || You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go - Bob Dylan

A song that you remember from your childhood || Egy bogár - Cseh Tamás

A song that reminds you of yourself || Friends To Go - Paul McCartney

thank you so much!

7. again by @siliconpine!! thank you so much

A This or That Tag Game

Honey and lemon or milk and sugar // musicals or plays // lemonade or iced tea // strawberries or raspberries // winter or summer // beaches or forests // diners or cafés // unicorns or dragons // gemstones or crystals // hummingbirds or owls // fireworks or sparklers // brunch or happy hour what // sweet or sour no // Rome or Amsterdam // classic or modern art // sushi or ramen// sun or moon // polka dots or stripes // macaroons or croissants// glitter or matte // Degas or Seurat  // aquariums or planetariums // road trip or camping trip not a fan of either // coloring books or watercolor // fairy lights or candles

thank you!! i think this is it!

thank YOU if you got this far in, and I’ll tag @vanillatumbleweedscoffee @stars-in-my-damn-eyes @sneez @fancybasementfestival @kipland00 @dreameramongwildflowers @punkslap @rhapsody-under-pressure and everyone who i tagged before and anyone who wants to to do any of these tags as they see fit and if they’re in the mood or have enought time or are just looking for something to do

[itsrogerbaelor-blog]

This is probably a REALLY annoying question since I’m in the Beatles fandom and stuff like this annoys me lol but whenever I read something about Queen’s friendships people always say Brian and Freddie didn’t get on/didn’t like each other, is that true? This reminds me of when people say Paul and George hated each other lol it doesn’t seem true to me? All of Queen seemed like close friends right up to Freddie’s last days?

SORRY this is gonna be way longer than you asked for, and since you’re not in the Queen fandom you might not have the patience to read all of it. But I just have a lot of thoughts on this!

this is not an annoying question, this is actually really interesting and I’ve thought about it a lot. I think that there wasn’t only one single constant relationship between them. All relationships go through changes, especially when you know each other for as long as Queen did. And I’m sure it was the same with The Beatles, even though they weren’t a band for as long as Queen was.

My take on Queen as a whole is this, and I base this on things that they or people around them have said. Early 70s; John joins the band, and Freddie especially takes him under his wing to make sure he feels welcome. During the 70s, the boys are pretty close, for example we can see how they’re fooling around and having fun in the Queen in Japan videos. They hadn’t gotten bored with each other yet. So, the 80s begins and I think Hot Space (their funky/dance album) did a lot of damage here. John and Freddie wanted to go in the more funkier direction, and they sort of bonded over that while Roger and Brian still were more into the classic rock stuff. Despite that, it seems like Roger and John found each other in a way during this time.Perhaps it was because they were the youngest in the band and often were sent off to foreign countries to do very confused interviews.

And also, Freddie said that he wrote the song ‘soul brother’ on Hot Space about Brian. Maybe he was joking, or maybe that was the truth. Roger and Freddie had a sort of ‘party’ bond, they were both insane when it came to that. Anyway, think it was after the record was released, the flop of Hot Space did most of the damage.

The mid 80s period, before the hiatus (1987-1988) was the worst time for their relationships, as Brian or Freddie later admitted in a 1989 interview. They didn’t hang out outside the studio and Freddie said this about Brian: “Everytime I’m in the same room with Brian... sparks fly.” in ‘86 they did their biggest tour, the magic tour and they got sick to death with each other. After the hiatus, they started recording The Miracle album in ‘88 (it was released ‘89), they started crediting all songs as “written by Queen” instead of the name of the one who wrote it. That greatly improved their relationships with each other. That + Freddie’s disease brought them together, because they felt they needed to protect him. The last two albums (The Miracle, Innuendo) they called the happiest period of the band. So yes, they were like brothers up til Freddie’s last days. Which makes me very happy. But the point of all of this is: relationships change and they went from friends, to colleagues to finally, brothers.

As for Brian and Freddie’s friendship

It’s difficult, I think Brian and Freddie had a sort of rivalry going on. They were both the big brothers in the band, and like lennon/mccartney they wrote most of the songs in the early days. I think their friendship was a fiery one, lots of fun but also lots of fighting. Maybe they were even the closest pair in the band? idk, it’s hard to say. The only thing I can say is: in the end, they had love for each other.

SORRY FOR THE FUCKING ESSAY I’M MAJORING IN QUEENOLOGY

(also wow I need to calm it with, the, commas,,,)

[recentnews18-blog]

New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/cola-boyy-is-making-weird-disco-that-fits-2018-like-a-glove/

Cola Boyy is Making Weird Disco That Fits 2018 Like a Glove

There are lots of things I thought I’d be doing today. Dragging my feet though the vegetable aisle of Tesco, maybe. Smoking a roll-up on the walk home from work and then immediately regretting it. Glancing at my phone to see if anyone’s replied on Whatsapp. What I didn’t expect, is to be listening to one disco song, over and over again, for fun. Not old, classic disco like Sister Sledge or Sylvester (RIP!). But a new track called “Buggy Tip,” by an artist called Cola Boyy, which we’re premiering below. A track which has all the hallmarks of disco—electro-orchestral shapes, a grooving bassline, some hi-hat shuffles—but also weirder and more psychedelic, with Cola’s nasal Californian twang spread over the beats like peanut butter and jam.

“The first CDs I remember holding in my hand were Jamiroquai’s first record and TLC’s CrazySexyCool,” 28-year-old Cola Boyy—real name Matthew Arango—is telling me over Skype from his home in Oxnard, a “beach town about an hour’s drive north from Los Angeles.” He’s lived in that same house with his parents since he was a kid, something he says is common among people from that area because it’s so expensive. “And then it was N*SYNC and Smash Mouth, all that late 90s and early 00s pop shit,” he continues, closing his eyes and remembering. “I just loved… a good song.” As he got older, though, he shed these pop tastes, learning how to play guitar and drums and performing in punk and indie bands. One of these bands, Sea Lions, released an LP and toured the world, but Cola Boyy eventually started to feel discontented – he wanted to work more on his own stuff, too.

Cola Boyy as a project came into fruition around four years ago. “I was listening to a lot of The Beatles and 70s Paul McCartney, some of which is very disco,” he tells me when I ask how he segwayed from guitar bands to the sweeter sounds he occupies today, “Then I heard this song ‘You’ve Got a Woman’ by a band called Lion, which is psychedelic rock, but very funky. And I thought, ‘wow, I wanna make music like this.’ But I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. I just wanted to write really catchy ass songs.” And so, he started spending hours in his room producing stems and recording demos, trying to craft perfect disco tracks that fit the mould he had in his head. Somewhere along the line he succeeded, and these days he makes tracks that sit somewhere between MGMT or Tame Impala and the glittery sounds of Studio 54-era disco. It’s a weird blend of old and new – but it works.

Cola doesn’t spend all his time making music or playing shows. He’s also heavily involved in activism within his community, and is an active member of the Todo Poder Al Puebo, a collective that fights for immigrants’ rights and speaks out against police brutality in a city that is 80% Hispanic. He’s a member of APOC (Anarchist People of Colour), too, although he says he’s more of a communist. “Me and my homies have many debates over it every time we hang out and drink, it’s pretty funny,” he tells me, laughing. “Most of the members are also involved in the punk scene because it’s a small town, and we all grew up together and went to the same backyard shows and parties. So APOC helps set up free, all-ages punk shows as well.”

Speaking to Cola is nice because he’s the sort of perennially chill person that looks and sounds like they enjoy smoking weed (idk if he does!) and he doesn’t seem to be trying to prove anything to anybody – other than to himself. Earlier this year, he supported MGMT in London, and later this year he’ll be supporting Mac Demarco in LA. When I mention these shows he offers up a casual shrug and smile. “I met [Demarco] a few years back through mutual friends because he lived with them, so we became friends, and see each other here and there. So he asked me to do the show, and I’m excited.”

Other than that, he’ll be releasing a debut EP, Black Boogie Neon, on September 21, before making more music for his debut LP—the latter of which he says he wants to be an extremely collaborative effort. “I really like working with other people,” he tells me, as our conversation comes to an end. “Artists often brag about recording by themselves, but I find that indicative of our individualism, which is a huge part of society under capitalism. It’s like yeah that’s cool, but you can come up with cooler shit when you have multiple minds working on something, and I want to always come up with that cooler shit.”

You can follow Daisy on Twitter.

This article originally appeared on Noisey UK.

Source: https://noisey.vice.com/en_us/article/kzykbn/cola-boyy-is-making-weird-disco-that-fits-2018-like-a-glove

[indecisivedaisie]

Can you please answer all the ones for that "send me a #" prompt? I hope you have a lovely day/night! :)

omg help

1: Name - Daisie

2: Age - 18

3: Fears – Falling, Failing, being alone.  

4: 3 things I love – Bae, Mac&Cheese, aesthetically pleasing things

5: 4 turns on – Certain Brown eyes, Bae, Intelligence, Cuddling

6: 4 turns off – Smoking, Abusive tendencies, unable to understand Sarcasm, Annoying people

7: My best friend - Bae

8: Sexual orientation – I'm Straight

9: My best first date – Pizza and games

10: How tall am I – Bout 5'7 or 5'8

11: What do I miss – Nothing really

12: What time was I born – 3 am.  

13: Favourite color – Light blue

14: Do I have a crush -Duh

15: Favourite quote - "Don’t let anyone trample on your daisies, not even you" is one of them

16: Favourite place – Bae's Arms

17: Favourite food – Mac&Cheese

18: Do I use sarcasm - Yes

19: What am I listening to right now – 80's music

20: First thing I notice in new person – Their mannerisms around others

21: Shoe size – 10 or 11 in womens

22: Eye color - Blue

23: Hair color – Dirty Blonde

24: Favourite style of clothing – Comfy, but cute

25: Ever done a prank call? - Nah

26: Meaning behind my URL – My name is daisie and im indecisive, shocking

27: Favourite movie – Too many to name tbh, but I love Pride & Prejudice or Beauty & the Beast

28: Favourite song – 867-5309 (Jenny) by Tutone

29: Favourite band - Don’t really have one

30: How I feel right now – Tired

31: Someone I love – Bae and my animals.

32: My current relationship status – Taken by Bae

33: My relationship with my parents – KInda iffy, but its okay.  

34: Favourite holiday – Its all the same

35: Tattoos and piercing I have – Just my ears pierced

36: Tattoos and piercings I want – Nothing in particular

37: The reason I joined Tumblr – Out of boredom

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - I hate him, he still pines after me creepily

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - Always

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - Yup

41: When did I last hold hands? - As a joke the other week with my friend

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - Depends. Min is 10 minutes, max is an hour

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? - Of course

44: Where am I right now? - In my Dorm lobby

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - Bae, but I don’t drink

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - Hella Loud

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - I live in a dorm for most of the year, but breaks is with parents

48: Am I excited for anything? - For this list to be overrr

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? Yes

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? When needed

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? Yesterday

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? Id be hella pissed

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? Not really

54: What is something I disliked about today? All the work im putting in

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Idk, I don’t really have an idol to wanna meet

56: What do I think about most? - My life or Bae

57: What’s my strangest talent? Hahah, not telling

58: Do I have any strange phobias? Nothing that is "strange"

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Depends on the situation

60: What was the last lie I told? That it was okay for my dad to take money from me

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Either one is fine

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I mean who doesn’t.  

63: Do I believe in magic? Wish I had it

64: Do I believe in luck? Sure do

65: What’s the weather like right now? Sunny and breezy

66: What was the last book I’ve read? Persuasion by Jane Austen

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Not really, hurts my head

68: Do I have any nicknames? DayDay, Dais, Mazyday, Maebelle

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? My heart breaking

70: Do I spend money or save it? Save it

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? My mom can, but I cant

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? My phone case has pink on it

73: Favourite animal? Dolphins, elephants

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Playing a game

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? Idk

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? The same as my fave song

77: How can you win my heart? Honesty, intelligence, beating me at my own banter game

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? Not sure, maybe don’t step on me

79: What is my favorite word? Don’t have one

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr – I enjoy most blogs tbh

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? Equal consideration of rights is important.  

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? I used to, but theyre not an immediate relative so

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? Invisibility and Transportation

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Depends who asks it and what question

85: What is my current desktop picture? A bunch of daisies in the sunset

86: Had sex? TMI  

87: Bought condoms? Nope

88: Gotten pregnant? Nope

89: Failed a class? Nope

90: Kissed a boy? Yup

91: Kissed a girl? My mom or a cute little baby

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Nope

93: Had job? Kinda

94: Left the house without my wallet? WHo hasn’t done that

95: Bullied someone on the internet? Of course not

96: Had sex in public? Haha no

97: Played on a sports team? When I was little

98: Smoked weed? Nope

99: Did drugs? Nope

100: Smoked cigarettes? Nope

101: Drank alcohol? Sips, didn’t like it really

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? Nah

103: Been overweight? Nah

104: Been underweight? Yeah

105: Been to a wedding? Ive been apart of multiple weddings

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Of course

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Duh

108: Been outside my home country? I wish

109: Gotten my heart broken? Yeah

110: Been to a professional sports game? Yup

111: Broken a bone? Almost broke my elbow once

112: Cut myself? Im more of a scratcher/hitter/smacker

113: Been to prom? Twice

114: Been in airplane? Yup

115: Fly by helicopter? Nope

116: What concerts have I been to? Ive been to a Paul McCartney Concert with my Parents

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Nope

118: Learned another language? Learning French Now

119: Wore make up? Nope

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? -----

121: Had oral sex? ---

122: Dyed my hair? Nope

123: Voted in a presidential election? I voted in the 2016 election

124: Rode in an ambulance? Nope

125: Had a surgery? Nope

126: Met someone famous? Nope

127: Stalked someone on a social network? Who doesn't?

128: Peed outside? Probs when I was little

129: Been fishing? Yeah

130: Helped with charity? Yes

131: Been rejected by a crush? Who hasn't?

132: Broken a mirror? Yup, bad luck oh fun

133: What do I want for birthday? An ipad maybe, dunno. Wireless earbuds

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 2, Priscilla and Leon

135: Was I named after anyone? Yeah, my aunt Mae

136: Do I like my handwriting? Nope, but I write too fast to care

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? Books

138: Favourite Tv Show? Friends, AHS, Cooking shows/competitions, HGTV

139: Where do I want to live when older? Not where I am now

140: Play any musical instrument? Both my siblings do, but I dont

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? I sliced my finger trying to open advil packets

142: Favourite pizza toping? Bacon and Pineapples

143: Am I afraid of the dark? Im afraid of whats in it

144: Am I afraid of heights?- Im afraid of falling

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?- Not yet

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end- Sometimes

147: What I’m really bad at – Singing but I do it anyway

148: What my greatest achievments are – going to college, graduating 3rd in my class, being a good person, etc.  

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me – Cant remember

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery – Pay all this college debt off, put rest in my savings, see bae.  

151: What do I like about myself – I try to like everything

152: My closest Tumblr friend – I talk to @floraldelirium a lot

153: Something I fantasise about – Tons of stuff with bae

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal? Not really besides theyre legit

Thanks for the ask, but man, never again.

[flirting-with-psychology]

REFLECTIONS Answer the following questions:

What is the single best thing that happened in the past year?

2015:  The beginning of the fall semester when I grew a lot more confidence

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Graduated

2018: Moved into the B Flat

  2. What is the most challenging thing that happened to you in 2015/16/17/18?

2015: Getting over Marble maybe

2016: Getting over Hawaii

2017: Making my 4500 film

2018: The music videos I did

  3. What thing did you learn the most from this year?

2015: Hawaii and Marble

2016: My film class

2017: Also my film class

2018: My film jobs and internships

  4. What is the kindest thing you did this year?

2015:  I don’t think I’m the one to ask, you’d have to ask people who perceived kindness

2016: Same

2017: Same

2018: Same

  5. Did you lose any close family member this year?

2015: Nope

2016: No

2017: No

2018: My great aunt died

  6. Pick three words to describe 2015/16/17/18.

2015: A learning experience

2016: Single, senior, band

2017: Senior to graduate

2018: Almost an adult

  7. What did you do in 2015/16/17/18 that you never did before?

2015: Got further than I ever had in my love life

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Moved into a house with roommates

2018: Moved in with male roommates, did an internship

  8. Did you keep last year’s resolutions? What were they?

2015: Here we go. Put one happy moment from each day into a jar: YES. Go to the gym regularly: Doing better but still could use improvement. Get a summer job: Yes. Make an effort to eat breakfast: Haha nope. Make an effort to look pretty: About the same as last year. Talk to people more and appear more confident: Yes. Find things to be excited about: Not as much as I want. Find a boyfriend: NOPE. Write more: Not really. Read more: Maybe a little. Have adventures: Some, but not as much as I would like. Initiate things: Yes. Use “I” more: Yes. Be less mean to myself: Yes. Overthink less: No, still working on that. Be proud of myself for trying my best but accept not being perfect: I guess. Take responsibility: More. Be positive and enthusiastic: Still working on it. Carpe diem: Not enough.

2016: I can’t remember lol

2017: I can’t remember what I wrote. Here’s what I’ll do: write my 2018 resolutions so that when I reblog this next year I will know:

2018: Be more adventurous: Maybe? Overthink and strategize less: HA not really. Get a film job: Yes. Eat more vegetables: Maybe a little but still not enough. Go to the gym, like, ever: Yes. Read more: Kinda. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook: Not yet.

2019 resolutions: Get a boyfriend. Be more spontaneous and adventurous. Lose weight and eat better. Read more books. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook. Learn how to work hard. Spend more time with my friends. Love myself, and be someone I love. Carpe diem. Keep doing the moment calendar and journal. Earn more money than I spend. Travel. Discover new music. Try new creative things. Believe in myself. Learn to be a leader. Watch more movies. Think about other people. Learn how to make mistakes.

  9. Did you travel to any interesting places in 2015/16/17/18?

2015: Went to Las Vegas for my birthday and California with the band and Kentucky to see Paul McCartney.

2016: Went to Italy, went on band trips to California and Texas

2017: Went to London with my mom, went to New Orleans for my cousin’s wedding and hooked up with my 6th grade crush, went to Wyoming for the solar eclipse

2018: Went to Las Vegas for a film shoot

10. What would you like to have in 2016/17/18/19 that you lacked in 2015/16/17/18?

2015: A BOYFRIEND HAHAHA

2016: Still a boyfriend lmao fml

2017: Still a boyfriend but one that I feel satisfied with. I’m not sure if I’m there with Guacamole. Also he’s not even my boyfriend yet

2018: Still a boyfriend lmao

 11. Do you even believe in new year’s resolutions? Why or why not?

2015: I think they are a good idea, for reflection as much as goals.

2016: Maybe. Idk

2017: Yeah it’s a good idea

2018: It’s always good to try to better yourself and it gives you motivation to do it

 12. Do you believe that 2015/16/17/18 had an reoccurring theme for you? If so, which theme and why?

2015: No more than any other year really

2016: More like my entire life has a recurring theme of being single af

2017: Not really

2018: Boys I like having girlfriends

 13. Do you feel like 2015/16/17/18 went by too fast?

2015: No

2016: It went a little fast, especially now that I’m about to graduate

2017: Not really

2018: Not really, but maybe my youth went too fast

 14. Did you fall in love with any new artists during the year 2015/16/17/18? List them.

2015: I fell back in love with Taylor Swift

2016: Collabro

2017: Anastasia the Musical cast, and Hamilton is growing on me

2018: A bunch of musicals

 15. Brag about two of your accomplishments in 2015/16/17/18.

2015: I made a couple cool music videos, and I lost some weight after increasing my gym attendance.

2016: I made a short film, Pancakes, with a full crew. I got straight A’s in the spring.

2017: I graduated and I made another short film

2018: I worked on two film shoots and I got promoted at work

  16. What was your favorite movie that came out this year?

2015: The Martian

2016: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

2017: Coco

2018: A Star Is Born

  17. Fill in the blank: In 2016/17/18/19 I will ____________.

2015: Get the confidence back that I had in the fall

2016: Graduate college

2017: Start looking for film jobs

2018: Find myself

  18. If you could fly anywhere in the world in 2016/17/18/19, where would you go?

2015: Italy, and I plan to!

2016: London, and I plan to

2017: Scotland or Ireland, and I don’t have any plans to

2018: Maybe that Israel birthright thing

  19. What was your biggest regret of 2015/16/17/18?

2015: Worrying about the future when I had something good rather than just enjoying it

2016: Not trying enough in making friends and making the most out of it

2017: Maybe not getting quite enough out of college

2018: Forgetting or never quite learning how to work hard. That and not asking a cute guy out in time

  20. Do you think you’ll be having a better 2016/17/18/19 than 2015/16/17/18?

2015: I hope so

2016: I hope so

2017: I hope so

2018: I hope so and I think so

 21. Did you make any new friends this year? Lose any friends?

2015: I got closer with some friends :)

2016: I made some new band and film friends. One of my friends from freshman year died.

2017: I almost lost a friend but now we seem to be friends again. I also made some new ones

2018: I made some new ones, and kinda stopped being friends with some of my old roommates

22. What was the biggest adventure of the last year?

2015: Hawaii, I think

2016: Studying abroad

2017: Moving out and starting to adult

2018: The film shoots

23. Did you get cake on your birthday? Presents? What you wanted?

2015: Yeah I went to Vegas which was cool! Got cake and alcohol and presents

2016: I did not get cake but I got IHOP. I got presents, and the football team won the game that day sending us to the PAC 12 Championship

2017: I got pancakes, presents, and maybe I’m starting to get what I wanted?

2018: I got chocolate mousse and presents and I didn’t even know what I wanted

24. How much did you change this year? What’s different about you?

2016: Not too much has changed but I think I’m prettier, more confident, braver, and value bravery more.

2016: I’m lazier, gained back the weight that I lost last year, and lost some of the confidence from last year. Wow…

2017: I’m not a student anymore

2018: I maybe lost some of my hope in my love life and felt more set in my ways

CONFESSIONS

Bold the statements that are true (2015) and cross out (2016) and italicize (2017) and I’m running out of formats so CAPS (2018)

In the year 2015/2016/2017 I confess that I….

KISSED SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER KISSED BEFORE. DID SOMETHING I REGRET. Painted a picture. Dyed my hair. Got a new haircut I thought I’d never get before. Wrote a poem. Graduated from High School. Graduated from College. Applied for Graduate School. RAN A MILE. Ate much healthier. Ended toxic friendships. GAINED A NEW FRIEND. Gained a new best friend. Visited a foreign country. LIED. HAD A FIGHT WITH MY PARENTS. HAD A SECRET/KEPT A SECRET. Realized my homosexuality. REALIZED MY BISEXUALITY. (OR AT LEAST QUESTIONED IT) Realized my pansexuality. Realized my asexuality. Broke a promise. Slept under the stars. STAYED UP TILL SUNRISE. PUSHED SOMEONE AWAY. Got in a fight. SLEPT WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER. ATTENDED A PARTY. Got dumped. Got a new piercing/tattoo. Learned that I wasn’t cis gender. Drank underage/used illegal substances. ATTENDED A CONCERT. ATTENDED A MUSICAL. TRAVELED TO ANOTHER CITY. Broke someone’s heart. Hiding something from someone. MADE SOMEONE’S DAY. Cheated on a test/homework. Physically cheated on my significant other. Emotionally cheated on my significant other. Quit a job. GOT A NEW JOB. Learned to hate someone I thought I never would. Learned to be more patient. Saw the supermoon. SAW THE METEOR SHOWER.