#he WILL get through this

[sibillascribbles08]

Alright, here's some very sad dad, aka Mr. Song, aka Jase's dad. We're going back to the thing that happened before Jase stopped seeing him for like two years.

And going to give the Content Warning: This work contains some homophobic language and a whole bunch of internalized homophobia. No self harm, but there is something that's misread as self harm. Also some adult/suggestive language near the bottom (these men are sluts what can I tell you) but nothing explicit.

Anyway the first chunk is crunchier than a walnut shell so I'm just gonna go ahead and slap on that read more. Have fun??? Idk

“Birthday was going fine until you called.” 

Jae-Won didn’t know why that sentence drove such a hammer through his chest. It wasn’t the first time Jase spoke to him with such disdain. It wasn’t the first time their phone calls turned sour. 

But it became so frequent now. And this was after Jase said he was too busy to come visit for the week and Jae-Won allowed it because he didn’t want his son thinking he’d try to force him to do anything. 

He just wanted to check in, wish him a Happy Birthday, maybe talk about future plans if the kid was up for it. Why did it have to go this way? 

But he refused to break over the phone. “O-oh? Sorry.” He gave a faint laugh and began to pace around his bedroom. “I guess you’re busy right now, huh?” His fingers looped around his beaded necklace. “I can let you get back to it and check in later.” 

“Why bother?”

His steps halted, the heels of his sandals digging into the carpet. “What?”

Jason raised his voice. “I said why bother? Why do you keep doing this?”

Panic gripped Jae-Won’s throat. “Jase—” 

“Why don’t you just take all your shit and get out of my life already?” 

His hand let go of his necklace. The other one almost dropped the phone. It hung loose in his grip as his limbs went numb. 

What could he even say to that? No? I’m sorry? What would he even be apologizing for, being himself? 

Sorry that I’m like this? Sorry your father’s too queer to ever be normal? Sorry I’m a raging embarrassment to you and the rest of my family? 

Tears burned in his eyes and he clenched his fist to hold them back. No, saying all of that wouldn’t matter. Because he couldn’t change who he was, not now. He needed to think about Jase. The kid was almost an adult, and if he decided he didn’t want to see his father anymore, there was nothing Jae-Won could do to stop that. 

The kinder thing to do would be to let him go while Jase was asking for it. 

“Okay.” He finally forced the words out and cleared his throat to keep his voice from wavering. It barely worked. “If… that’s what you want, then okay. Just… if you ever need anything, you can always reach out to me, okay kiddo?” 

“Yeah,” Jase mumbled. And the silence hung in the air like a guillotine. “Whatever.” 

And that single, uncaring word was all it took for Jae-Won’s heart to shatter on the floor. 

Not that he let it show, but he certainly couldn’t breathe a word. And after another agonizing pause, the line finally cut off. 

Jae-Won lowered his phone to stare at his screen. The words flashing to say the call had been disconnected, right below a picture of his son with the first gundam figure he put together. 

He couldn’t really feel anything. The silence in his room droned on for so long he could hear the faint ringing in his ears. Tears stayed in his eyes but they didn’t fall. 

His phone remained idle for so long, the screen finally went black. 

Jae-Won stared at his reflection. At the eye-liner and eyeshadow on his face, the glitter, the stickers, the pins in his hair that he pushed back, the necklaces around his neck that just barely touched the hem of the sequin top he had on. 

Why was he wearing this? Why was he like this? 

His son never wanted to see him again because of all this garbage. His son hated him. It didn’t matter how much Jae-Won loved him. 

Why did he ever fall into all of this? He could still remember Jason’s delighted shouts when his father would come home from work. The loud demands to “show him more robots” on TV. His rapid tapping on the table as he waited for his father to bring over the tea that they always drank before bed. 

The divorce marred all of that in an instant, and Jae-Won knew he couldn’t just blame his ex for that. He made his own choices. He chose to lean into it. And he didn’t know how to keep his son from shutting him out more and more as the years passed. 

He kept staring at his reflection. He clutched his phone tighter, watching it shake in his grip. 

“You think you’re fit to raise a son if you’re going to go around sleeping with any man you find?” 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Song, but this court rules in favor of—”

“You either take this deal, or we’re going to present even more evidence to the court that could easily keep you away from your son for good.” 

“Jae, if you show up wearing something like that to pick up our son again, I’m taking this back to the judge.” 

“You’re so damn disgusting.” 

“How could you turn out like this? Didn’t we raise you better?”

“Do you invite all those men and women over to your house? You better keep them out when Jase is there.” 

“Do you hear me? Watch it. We wouldn’t want Jase turning into a degenerate like you.” 

Jae-Won tossed his phone onto the floor as hard as he could manage. 

He didn’t linger to see if it broke or not. He rushed straight into the bathroom. The second he saw his reflection he gritted his teeth. He had half a mind to just punch the mirror in, but that wouldn’t fix the problem staring back at him. 

The problem was simple. He was too much of a fucking freak to be a father. He refused to believe that for so long, but now even his own son didn’t want to look at him anymore. 

Jae-Won grabbed both necklaces in one hand and snapped them off. His neck stung. The beads clattered onto the tile floor. 

He ripped his top off as well and chucked it to the side before turning on the sink. With a handful of water he splashed it on his face and rubbed as hard as he could. He felt the glitter and the stickers scraping against his skin. His cheeks hurt. But he didn’t let up. He glanced back up at the mirror to find he’d barely gotten the damn shit off, just smeared it around. Fucking sealer. 

Oh look at you. An internal demon that hadn’t haunted him in years suddenly whispered in the back of his mind. Who do you think you’re fooling, looking like that, you fucking freak.

These days he’d always snap back that yes, he was a fucking freak, but now that thought had his legs shaking so bad he collapsed on the bathroom floor. 

Why get so dolled up? It continued. To make you forget what a massive failure you are at being anything society expected out of you? You failed to get the job you dreamed of. Failed to keep your wife. And now you’re a failure of a father to boot. 

“Shut-up.” He tried to hiss past the pressure on his throat. He gripped the side of the sink and pulled himself up, only to be forced to look at his reflection once more. 

Face it. The inner demon’s voice shifted into his own, and he found himself mumbling along with it. “Jase always hated us, he just only now found the courage to say it.” 

That’s the truth, wasn’t it. All those years of week-long visits and Jase wanted nothing more than to get away from him, but didn’t feel bold enough to say it. 

Because Jae-Won Song was a disgusting, slutty degenerate. 

He glanced back up at his smeared make-up, and now his fist did connect with the mirror. The glass splintered, but didn’t break off. His knuckles hurt, but it wasn’t enough. 

Jae-Won jerked the cabinet doors open. He snatched every piece of make-up he could see and hurled it at the wall. Pallets of eyeshadow exploded against the tile wall of his shower into plumes of colored dust. Nail polish shattered and splattered onto the tub. Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, blush, all the stupid little brushes and sponges and his single tube of lipstick. 

He took a second to gasp for air, blinking through the tears. He stared at the mess of paint, powder and broken glass and plastic. Not enough. It wasn’t enough. 

He snatched his trimming scissors out next, ready to try and turn the metal into nothing but a ball of scrap from stomping on it hundreds of times.

“Jae?” 

The panicked shout had him looking back. He stared at Manny—one of his partners—who stared back, more frightened than he had been during any of their horror movie nights. 

Manny’s gaze darted to the scissors, then he rushed into the bathroom. 

Jae-Won leapt away from the motion, but he had nowhere to go. Manny grabbed him in a sort-of hug, pinning Jae’s arms to his sides, and held him close. Jae-Won struggled, panic and adrenaline still surging through his system. Only more so when he fully registered who was holding him. 

Disgusting. Disgusting. He was so disgusting. 

He didn’t realize he was screaming until Manny had to shout over him to be heard. “Jae. Calm down. Calm down for me, okay? Drop the scissors.” 

Jae-Won kept thrashing, kept trying to rip free. No. No. He wasn’t done. He had to get rid of the rest of it. Break it, burn it, so he could never touch it again. Shred it until he had no choice but to be someone normal and respectable and worthy to take care of the thing he loved the most. 

Manny started to drag him backwards into the hall. Boots pounded on the nearby staircase, then Angie’s voice came in. “Manny, what the fuck is going on?”

“I don’t know.” Manny told her. “Text the group to get on standby and call the restaurant. Then get some water.” 

Jae-Won thrashed again.

Manny tightened his grip. “You’re okay. You’re okay, Darling.” 

The pet name just made him angrier, even if it shouldn’t, because he started that entire trend. “Don’t call me that.” 

“Alright, done and done. Now let’s take a deep breath and drop the scissors, okay?” 

Jae-Won tried even harder to rip himself free. “Let me go!”

“Not until you drop the scissors. I’m not going to let you hurt yourself.” 

What? Is that what Manny thought he was doing? He didn’t have the space in his brain to figure out how he came to that conclusion. But fine. Fine! If Jae-Won couldn’t turn them into sheet metal he’d just do it later. 

With how little he could move his arms, he could barely throw the trimmers more than a few feet toward the bathroom door. 

Manny immediately relaxed and loosened his grip, but he didn’t let go. “Alright, good, now let’s take a deep breath—”

“Let go of me.”

“Jae, come on.”

“I said let go!”

“Okay, okay.” Manny’s grip finally vanished.

Jae-Won scrambled to his feet. In the process he stumbled into the wall. He could barely see at this point. Between the tears and his contacts everything shifted into blurs of color. He tried to step away from Manny for… some reason. His brain just screamed at him to get away. Get away from the temptation. 

More boots on the stairs just kicked his panic into overdrive. He tried to dart into his bedroom, but his head slammed into the corner of the door. 

“Shit, Jae.” Manny touched his shoulder. “Let’s at least just sit down.”

“No.” Jae-Won tried to shove him off, but then another pair of hands grabbed his arms. Angie, no doubt. “Let go. Leave me alone.”

“Like hell we’re doing that when you’re acting like this.” Angie spat. “What the hell is going on, babe?” 

“I said leave me alone!” He screamed so loud it tore at his throat.

“No!” Manny shouted back. “We love you too damn much for that.” 

Something about that sentence snapped his anger away. All of it vanished at once, leaving him with nothing but anguish. 

His legs gave out, and the only reason he didn’t hit the floor is because both of his partners held fast. They each slid an arm under his shoulders and gently guided him down to the bedroom carpet. 

Jae-Won couldn’t manage to say anything, not that any coherent words even formed in his brain. All he could do was sob, curling up so his face pressed against the floor. It hurt. It hurt. He wished he could just reach into his chest and rip out his heart and let himself bleed out on the floor. 

Manny gently shushed him, rubbing a hand along his back. “It’s gonna be alright, Jae. We’re here, okay?” 

Jae-Won tried to cling to the words, but his brain immediately shoved them away again. Stop. Don’t give in. These people were part of the thing he needed to get rid of. 

But why was he even lying to himself? He couldn’t get rid of that, or them. 

The tears finally slowed down just enough for him to speak. “Why am I like this?” 

“What?” Angie held his hand. “Like what, babe?” 

“Why am I like this?” He forced himself up so he could put a hand on his chest. “Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn’t I just be normal?” 

He still couldn’t see clearly, but the horrified expressions that Manny and Angie exchanged were still obvious. 

“Jae?” Manny reached out and held his face, lightly brushing away tears. “Hey, listen to me. I don’t know what’s going on, but there is nothing wrong with you.” 

“Did your parents suddenly call you back?” Angie growled. “I told you to block their—”

“Angie, wait until we get the story.” 

Jae-Won shook his head and pushed Manny’s hands to the side. “If there was nothing wrong with me, then my son wouldn’t be so disgusted with me.” 

His partners fell silent. 

So he continued, even if he struggled to get the words out between sobs. “He told me to finally get out of his life. Just how long has he wanted me to do that? Just how long has he been stuck coming over to my house wishing he never had to see me again?” He tried to wipe his eyes, but the tears didn’t slow down. If anything they got worse. “All because I can’t help being anything but a filthy, disgusting, de—”

“Hey!” Manny’s voice boomed through the room. “Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that.”

“It’s true!”

“It’s not.” Manny held his shoulders tight. “I’m sorry, Jae. I’m sorry that your son can’t see what a fucking gorgeous person you are. I know I’m not a parent. I know I can’t even begin to understand how you feel. But you cannot blame yourself for the choices he’s making.”

“Maybe not.” Jae-Won sputtered. “But I can blame myself for mine. If I hadn’t made that stupid choice right after the divorce. If I tried to just stay away from it maybe this rift never would have shown up.”

“You don’t know that.” Angie insisted. “You could have just made yourself so miserable trying to keep all of this under wraps that it would have just created a different kind of rift.”

“I could have tried.” 

“Well you didn’t.” Manny sighed. “You didn’t, and we’re here now. And even if you tried to rip that part of you away and bury it, would anything even change? Do you really think Jase would suddenly change how he feels about you?” 

No. Jae-Won didn’t, but he couldn’t say that out loud. Just the thought of it left him in another fit of sobs. He tried to curl up onto the floor again, only for Manny to pull him onto his lap instead. 

“Sorry,” Manny gently played with his hair. “That was probably a bit harsh. But I don’t want to watch you destroy yourself for something you may not even be able to get back.” 

“Besides.” Angie held his hand again. “If he doesn’t love you for who you are, does he really love you at all?” 

Once again they were right, but Jae-Won turned away from the reality that stared him in the face. Not right now. He couldn’t bear to look at it right now. 

His son—the center of his universe, the first thing that made his life stop feeling aimless, a bundle small enough to rest in one arm while Jae-Won promised him the world a hundred times over—never wanted to see him again. 

Jae-Won just kept sobbing into his boyfriend’s leather pants until his thoughts stopped all together.

-------------------------

The first thing Jae-Won was aware of when he woke up was that his eyes burned. They felt dry. He could tell one of his contacts slid out of place. He rubbed them to get rid of the crust and tried to open them, only for that to hurt too much to manage. He then noted the mild headache, like he was dehydrated, and the fact he was in bed.

How did he get here?

Without opening his eyes he sat up and felt around. He still had on his denim shorts, still topless, and his hair was an absolute nightmare right now. 

He got to the edge of the bed and stood. Just how did he get here? What even happened? 

Then his memory came back, and he stopped walking towards the door.

Right. 

Jase was gone. 

His chest still hurt an unbelievable amount, but he didn’t cry. He probably just couldn’t at this point. 

He heard footsteps in the hallway outside and turned his head, even though that was pointless because he still couldn’t see. 

“Oh, you woke up.” Manny said before he came closer. “How are you feeling?” 

Jae-Won didn’t know how to answer that. He could practically hear the screams and wails that echoed from his heart to his ears. 

“Physically, I mean.” Manny added. 

That was a bit easier to answer. “My eyes burn. They feel dry.” And now his throat did too. He could hear the cracks in his voice. Did he really scream that much earlier? “Guide me to the bathroom?”

“Bathroom? Uh, yeah sure, the sink should be okay.” 

Jae-Won let his boyfriend take his hand and guide him around the walls and to the sink. He didn’t hesitate to run the water and wipe down his face and his eyes. When the dryness subsided enough for him to open his eyes, he took some time to remove his contacts. Getting the one that managed to slide to the side was a trial of frustration and pain, but eventually he managed it. He put them both back into their container and finally tried to look at himself in the mirror.

Hard to do with the cracks that ran along it, but his makeup was still smeared all over his face. He never took out the pins in his hair, and decided to do so now before messing it up even further so it would start laying flat again. 

The clink of glass made him look toward the shower and…

Oh.

Manny was carefully picking things out of the tub. A mess of broken glass and color that extended from the bottom all the way up the tiled wall. 

Jae-Won knew he did that, but his memory of it was so hazy now. Like something else took hold of his brain and piloted him around for a few minutes. 

“Y-you don’t have to pick that up.” Jae-Won coughed from the dryness in his throat. “I can—”

“Jae.” Manny stood and tossed whatever he was holding into the tiny trash can. “I’ve got it. It’s fine. But I should leave the rest for later. Where’s your makeup remover?”

“The vanity in my room.” Jae-Won went to go get it, but Manny moved ahead of him.

But they didn’t reach the bedroom. His boyfriend suddenly stopped walking.

“Right, almost forgot, Angie’s going to go out to get some food. Anything you want?” His soft smile then turned serious. “You are eating something.” 

Yeah, Jae-Won knew that tone. There’d be no sense in arguing. And truthfully, as hollow as he felt, he at least didn’t feel nauseous. “Comfort food, without a doubt.”

“Emalia’s tacos or Smokin’ Andy’s burgers?” 

Jae-Won almost cracked a smile at the nickname. “Tacos.”

“You got it.” Manny leaned over the stair rail. “Hey Angie!”

“Yes Babe?” Angie called from the kitchen. “Is he up?” 

“Sure is, wanna pick up our favorites from Emalia’s?” Manny dug a few twenties out of his pocket. 

“On it.”

“Here, take my cash.” Manny tossed it over the railing and down to the first floor.

Angie huffed. “Throwing money at me like I’m a stripper.” 

“You are a stripper.” 

“Only some nights.” 

Jae-Won could easily imagine her sticking out her tongue. Quite likely since Manny was doing the same. 

“Alright, I’ll be back.” Her boots headed toward the backdoor. “Take care of our darling while I’m gone.”

“You know it.” Manny shouted after her. “Drive safe.” With that he spun back around and gestured to the bedroom. 

Well, Jae-Won’s bedroom. The other bedroom, the guest room, the place where Jase always slept, had its door open still further along the top floor. From here he could see the pixel-like bedsheets, the handful of transformer stickers on the window, and on the desk sat— 

“Jae.”

His boyfriend’s voice was the only thing that kept the pressure in his chest from shattering it all over again. Jae-Won tore his gaze away from the room and stepped into his own. 

He aimed for the package of make-up remover wipes, but Manny snatched it up first.

Jae-Won frowned. “Manny, I can—”

“Sit.” Manny pointed to the chair and pulled one of the wipes out. 

“Manny—”

“Sit.” He repeated.

Jae-Won let out a frustrated sigh and did so, crossing his arms in the process. “I know I’m a disaster and I’m definitely having a crisis, but you don’t have to baby me.”

“I’m not babying you.” Manny gently held his chin and started cleaning his left cheek. “If I was babying you, I’d wrap you up in a blanket burrito and put you on the bed. Then I’d do this while singing some obnoxious lullaby.” 

Jae-Won refused to laugh at the joke. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?” He tossed the used wipe aside and got another one. This one ran over the eyebrows. “Or is this one of those times you meant to say ‘I don’t deserve your kindness.’” 

Jae-Won’s nails dug into his skin. Damn it. Manny knew him too well after all these years. 

“So I’ll just say what I always say. I don’t give a damn if you deserve it or not, you’re getting it. Because I love you.” 

That word made Jae-Won’s teeth clench. His skin tingled and itched, to the point he wanted to tear it off. 

Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting.

Manny stopped cleaning and let go of him. “Hey, you alright?” 

“Sorry.” Jae-Won breathed in through his nose and out of his mouth. Just breathe, don’t spiral. 

“Don’t need an apology. I just need to know if you’re okay.” 

Jae-Won squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Of course I’m not, Manny. You’ll have to be more specific.” 

“Fine, is something I’m doing upsetting you?” 

Yes? No? “It’s not your fault.” 

Manny let out a frustrated sigh. He paced around the room a few times, hands on top of his head. Jae-Won just kept focusing on his breathing before his self loathing caused him to do something else he’d regret. 

“Alright, let’s try again.” Manny stepped back over and knelt down, placing a hand on Jae-Won’s knee. “Can you try to tell me what’s going on in your head?”

Where did he even begin with a topic like that? The question alone prompted a wall of thoughts that he couldn’t keep up with. 

“Right, be more specific. What were you thinking about when you tensed up like that?” 

He let out a pathetic whine and pressed his hands against his cheeks. He could still feel all the powder coating the right one. “I don’t… I don’t know how to explain that without upsetting you.” 

Manny rested his other hand on the same knee before putting his chin on top of them both. “You know what’s upsetting? Coming in here to find out why my boyfriend isn’t coming outside for date night to find him clutching a pair of scissors in a wrecked bathroom like he’s about to stab himself.” 

Jae-Won blinked, his hazy memory clearing up just a bit. “That wasn’t what I was doing.”

“No? It sure as hell looked that way.”

“I’m not going to hurt myself.” 

“I think you are, Jae, just not in a physical sense.” Manny squeezed his leg. "Trying to shred parts of yourself is hurting you." 

He let out a shaky breath. "I know, and I'm trying not to, but it…" 

Another squeeze. "What's going on in your head?" 

Jae-Won clenched his hands together to keep the emotions in his chest from reaching his throat. “Jase is disgusted with me. He probably always has been. I managed to get past the insults from my ex, her boyfriend, and most of my family, but him shutting me out of his life just makes me disgusted with myself all over again.” 

He tightened his grip on his fingers and then relaxed them again, watching the faint wrinkles on the back of his hand. “So every time you’re affectionate with me… my head doesn’t like that. It keeps trying to convince me I need to get away from it before I get any more filthy.” 

Manny let go of him and leaned back. “So, you’re more or less back in the rut you were in when we first met?”

Hah, such an odd memory. Ignoring the fact he’d been too plastered at the time to actually remember all of it. It always sat in his mind as something joyful and something painful at the same time. 

It’d been only a few days after the custody case came to a close. Jae-Won decided, fuck it, and found himself back at another local queer bar where he proceeded to drink way more than he should have. 

Manny had to fill in the blanks of his god awful flirting with Angie, which somehow devolved into gross sobbing and then completely passing out on the booth seat. 

A miracle the pair decided to do the kind thing and let him sleep it off at their apartment. It’d been frightening at first, waking up in a strange place with people he barely recognized, but as they chatted over breakfast, things started to click into place. 

They’d been his first friends in his new lifestyle, and somehow they stuck around ever since. Sometimes he’d crack jokes that the sex must be that good, but he knew Angie and Manny both saw him as more than just a long term friend-with-benefits. 

“Kind of pathetic, isn’t it?” Jae-Won mumbled. “All those years of biting back fear and guilt so I could walk comfortably in heels and an open back dress and it’s undone with one conversation.” 

Manny tilted his head. “Jae, that kind of stuff is never really gone forever. Especially in the world we live in. Sure, New York City makes it easier for us to be ourselves, but it’s still part of a bigger world. We can fight systems, stick in groups, and decide every morning that we’re going to unapologetically be ourselves, but that doesn’t mean it’s not scary. I mean, was that incident with the guy whose ear you ripped off not a reminder of that?”

Jae-Won frowned and finally unclenched his hands. “I think I was too angry at the time to be frightened.” 

Manny laughed. “Yeah, I can believe that. Your temper is unbelievable for someone of your size.”

“I’m not that short.”

Manny stood, probably to emphasize a point, except it didn’t count because Jae-Won was sitting. “Short to me and Angie.” 

“You’re literally only seven inches taller.”

“In more than one place.” Manny wiggled his eyebrows.

Jae-Won glared and lightly kneed his boyfriend in the crotch. 

“Ow, hey, no.” Manny jumped back. “See what I mean? This is why even Angie avoids pissing you off.” 

Jae-Won slumped in his chair. “I think we’re getting off track.”

“Yeah, probably.” Manny snatched up a new wipe. “Pretty easy to do when it comes to us though, right?”

Jae-Won didn’t reply to that. He just sat still as his boyfriend continued cleaning his face off. 

“My point from earlier,” Manny said, “Is that all these negative feelings you have about being queer, have probably been sitting in the back of your mind for a long time. Especially if Jase has always been getting farther and farther away. It can’t be the first time in all these years you’ve thought about it again.”

No, it wasn’t. It happened almost every time Jase came to visit. Jae-Won would always clean up his house, making sure to stuff away any pictures, art, flags and all sorts. He’d shove away the dresses, the glitter, the t-shirts covered in dirty words, and the high heels into a storage box that he’d put in the back of his closet. Just be normal for a week, he’d tell himself, or Jase will either leave for good or be dragged away. For an entire week Jae-Won would be suffocating on the inside and in the end it’d been for nothing. It hadn’t even worked. 

Maybe Angie was right. Even if he’d kept himself away from all this, would it have really stopped the rift? 

“There, all clean.” Manny announced and tossed the last wipe in the bin. He leaned forward, likely aiming for a kiss on the cheek, but then stopped. “May I?” 

He almost never asked for permission, because by this point they’d known each other so long they knew all the signals. 

Jae-Won appreciated it, and ultimately decided on a yes. He let his boyfriend kiss his cheek before he turned his head and met his lips.

Manny sighed into the contact, like he’d just gotten his first sip of water after being lost in the desert. Jae-Won put a hand on the back of his boyfriend’s neck, sliding it up so his fingers got caught in the tight curls of Manny’s hair.

Another sigh. Manny leaned over him, and one of his knees rested on the chair next to Jae-Won’s thigh. 

“I said it before,” Manny murmured against his lips. “But I’ll say it again. You’re the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever met.” 

Jae-Won rolled his eyes. “We both know Smokin’ Andy is way hotter.” 

Manny laughed, the vibrations easy to feel as he pressed their noses together. “That’s not what I mean, even if you are pretty as fuck. I met you in a bar when you practically lost everything just because you dared to dip your toes into something you wanted. Most people would backtrack so fast from that, but you kept going, and you went hard.” 

Jae-Won felt his cheeks heating up. “It wasn’t that—” 

Manny pinched his cheeks. “This stuffy little nerd who stuttered and blushed the second anyone cute tried to talk to him. You know I used to be able to whisper the word ‘penis’ in your ear and you’d immediately go red.” 

Jae-Won rolled his eyes. “Maybe that’s because you were so embarrassing to be around.” 

“And now look at you. You throw open the doors to a room in whatever wild outfit you decide to rock that evening and command the attention of everyone there. You walk everywhere like you own the place. You see someone you want and you go after them, even if they turn you down.” 

Jae-Won wished he could sink into the chair. This was getting to be too much. 

“My point is” Manny gave him another kiss. “I watched you enter this world frightened out of your mind, but you refused to give up. And watching you wrestle down all of that fear piece by piece is the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Now he felt warm everywhere. Emotions twisted in his chest, because at this current point in time he just felt like a coward again. Letting his mind talk him into trying to throw all of this away. But now his boyfriend was in front of him—on top of him—whispering much kinder words in his ear, and that inner voice couldn’t manage to talk over it. 

Jae-Won grabbed the collar of Manny’s jacket as he pulled him back into the kiss and kept trying to tug him closer. Manny let out a short growl, his knee sliding further up the chair. 

“You know you taste like whatever cleanser is on those wipes.” Manny muttered between smooches. 

“Then stop kissing me.” 

“No.” Manny bit down on Jae-Won’s lip.

He gasped and twisted the leather jacket in his grip. “Going to play dirty, huh?” 

“Try and stop me.”

Jae-Won had half a mind to lift one of his legs and press it against his boyfriend’s dick, but just then the downstairs door opened.

“Boys, dinner’s here.” Angie called. “I better not come upstairs and find you two making out on the floor.” 

“You won’t.” Manny shouted back. “Jae’s in a chair.”

Angie let out a shriek, probably to mimic an offended gasp. “You two starting without me? Unbelievable.” 

Manny just kept chuckling and got off the chair. He took one of Jae-Won’s hands and pulled him to his feet. “Do you want to change, by the way?” 

Jae-Won looked down at his denim shorts. Literally the only thing he had on right now. “Uh, might be a good idea.” 

“Unless you want me to lick taco sauce off your chest.”

Jae-Won snorted and playfully shoved his boyfriend to the side, hand on his face. “Jeez, you’re all over me tonight. Is watching me have a breakdown just that sexy?”

“Nah,” Manny answered in a serious tone. “Just trying to see if it gets you back to normal, even if it only lasts for so long.” 

Yeah. No doubt trying to sleep tonight he’d be plagued by negative thoughts all over again. No doubt his conversation with Jase would turn into an endless loop until the voices of the rest of his family joined in. 

So for now, he should at least try to focus on just his partners and eating some dinner. 

[pangur-and-grim]

Belphie feels good enough to climb!!! that's actually huge

[wanologic]

sorry danny, sam will never think you’re cool

[maeamian]

If you saw me agreeing with being annoyed about wasted helium in a fictional context and were like "I bet she has some more helium based anger in her life" good news LAPD fucked up a raid on a medical facility they thought was a pot farm and flat out ruined thousands of gallons of the stuff.

[ohtendril]

colin "my wife" bridgerton almost went off

[soaked-doors]

when it rains, it pours

[chloesimaginationthings]

Michael can survive (almost) anything in FNAF

[gblogg]

I have to catch up rn bc this was everything!

Alright, if you follow the plot of my OCs, this one is not an optional story! 🙈

-----------------

"Yeah?" Leo picked up his phone already frowning, since his screen displayed Wicked Witch of the West as the caller, "Wendy?"

"Hiii..." Wendy's voice was sugary and his frown deepened, causing Leo to stop chopping vegetables, "are you busy...?"

"Is something wrong? With you? Vin?"

"No, no, nothing is wrong! We're all fine!" Wendy was quick to say, her voice going a note up and Leo squinted, annoyed.

"Then I'm busy."

"Ah," she sounded so defeated, "okay..."

He was not going to feel guilty. He was not going to feel guilty. He was not going-

"What do you want, Wendy?"

She let out a little squeal and Leo rolled his eyes so much they nearly got stuck, "soooo, uhm- are you free tomorrow night?"

"Jonah's in Paris, yeah, I'm free," Leo said bitterly. He was being the world's most supportive fiancé to Jonah's face, but to Wendy he could let out his full bitchiness show.

"Great," Wendy was clearly smiling, "I need you to be my partner in something."

"No."

"You don't even know what it is!"

Leo let out a groan, "what is it?"

"Ballroom dancing," she said it quickly and before he could tell her that absolutely not, Wendy continued to speak, "look! It's just one experimental class, I just wanna know if I'll like it! Please! Bella said she won't go and Vin is away."

"Ask Lucas," Leo scoffed, "he'll love it."

"He already knows how to ballroom dance and Bella's super jealous of him, no thanks," Wendy whined, "please? Hell, I'll pay you-"

"I don't want your money," Leo wrinkled his nose, "can't you just wait until Vin is in town? He's coming over Friday night."

"No, the classes are only Tuesday and Thursday nights..." Wendy was doing her best imitation of a kicked puppy, he knew without even looking at her, "please, Leo."

"It'll only be one class?" he asked, cringing as he heard her celebrating.

"Only one class, I promise!"

"Alright," he started to wipe his messy hands to grab his phone and hung up as Wendy continued to speak: wear track pants! And comfy shoes!

--------------

Leo was standing outside of Wendy's building, questioning his life choices, when his frenemy walked out. Unlike him, who had come straight from work and was wearing exactly what she told him to, Wendy was clad in a red flowy dress, with layers and layers, reaching just past her knees.

She lit up as she saw him, "I'm glad you came!"

Leo raised an eyebrow, "am I gonna regret this?"

"Do you know how to dance?" Wendy circled his car to get in the passenger side and Leo scowled.

"No..."

"Then what a better time to learn than now? You know Jonah knows how to waltz, right?" Wendy entered the car and Leo squinted at her, getting in the driver's seat as she typed the address in her phone's GPS.

"So what if Jonah knows? He knows a bunch of shit I don't, it's not a competition," Leo drummed his fingers against the steering wheel and Wendy let out a heavy sigh, as if he was stupid.

"So you're marrying the guy. Couples typically have a first waltz when they marry and Jon said you wanna do the whole traditional thing, so I'm guessing that as well?" Wendy smiled at him smugly, "you want to keep up with him, right?"

Leo knew he was being manipulated, that didn't stop it from working. He clenched his jaw and turned up his music, causing Wendy to let out an amused huff and look out of her window.

The dance school was across town, a brown building with a brightly lit sign hanging over the door, of a couple dancing. The metal gates were open, so was the front door and a very old receptionist was sitting in the cramped entry hall.

"You must be the Marshall's?" the woman opened a sweety smile when she saw them, "here for the experimental class?"

"God, no-"

"Yes," Wendy squeezed his arm, glaring at him, "Wendy Marshall and Leo Wagner."

"Oh, forgive me, I just assumed," the woman shook her head in an apologetic manner, "they're already warming up, so you better hurry. Down the hall, up the stairs."

"Thank you", Wendy was all smiles as she dragged Leo forward and he started to feel himself lagging behind. He hated doing new things, meeting new people. How did Wendy convince him to join this public humiliation, he wasn't sure.

The second floor had a huge ball room, with mirrors up against a wall, very similar to a ballet studio, except for the couples scattered around and the lack of the support bars along the walls.

"Wendy!" A woman in her late forties said from across the room. Leo turned to look at her, then froze.

She was a tall, skinny woman, with incredibly light blonde hair and striking blue eyes. A severe face, but the illusion was shattered by the smile stretching her thin lips.

"I'm so glad you came!" The woman, probably the teacher, said, crossing the room to meet up with them. She frowned as she felt Leo's gaze on her, blonde brows meeting, "is this the boyfriend you mentioned?"

"No, that's just my friend, Leo," Wendy cleared up, turning to look at him and shake the woman's hand. Leo gulped down around nothing, feeling the air stop in his lungs.

The United States was huge. It was a twenty seven hour drive from Oklahoma to Maine. And out of every fucking place that Amelia could be in, she was there. Standing in front of him, not recognizing him.

"Leo?" Wendy shook his shoulder and Amelia's frown deepened.

"Is he okay?"

"What- What are you doing here?" Leo glared at the woman in front of him. His voice didn't sound like his own. He didn't feel like himself, it was like he was watching the scene unfold out of his body.

The woman looked at Wendy, then at him, "I'm the owner of the studio... I'm sorry, have we met?"

Leo let out a hysterical chuckle.

There were many times he had wondered how it'd feel to see his mother again. Would he feel anger? Resentment? Sadness? Shock?

It had never crossed his mind that she wouldn't recognize him at all. Sure, he had long shed his baby traits, the man he was at nearly twenty six was a completely different person from the tiny ten year old with nearly white hair and too big ears he had been... But he was still her son, how could she not recognize him in the least, when he could easily pin point her through his blurry and faded memories.

"Leo?" Wendy was up in his face now, on her very tip toes and hands cupping his cheeks, sounding concerned, "sweetheart, what is it?"

The fact Wendy, of all people, was using a pet name caused another blubbering giggle to come up. His eyes stung, his hands were clammy and shaky as they closed around Wendy's wrist-

"You said your name is Leo?" Amelia repeated, moving closer and Leo took an instinctive step back, bringing Wendy with him.

It was a split second, but suddenly Wen's dark brows met and her bright green eyes widened, her heart shaped mouth falling into a comic O. She shook her head, glanced between Amelia, then Leo, then raised an eyebrow, "She's not-"

Leo felt like he couldn't breathe. He nodded and Wendy turned around quick as a wip, shoving him behind her as if she was not half his size, "we're leaving," her voice was a whole note louder, "don't even think of coming after us, you've done enough."

Amelia looked distraught and confused, blinking quickly, "no, I- I- Leo? Leo- Edward's Leo?"

It had been at least seven years since Leo had heard his father's name and the word caused his head to spin. He stumbled back and Wendy's grip on his shirt tightened, as if she could and would hold his whole weight in case he collapsed.

"C'mon, Leo, let's go," she turned around, clutching his bicep and shoving him to start moving. Leo took a couple stumbling steps back and Amelia followed, the rest of the class entirely forgotten, looking a bit drunk herself.

"You can't- What are you doing here? In Maine-"

"Stop," Wendy's tone was sharp as she glared at the woman, "Leo, let's go, we need to go-" with another push, he allowed himself to turn around and be all but dragged down the stairs. Ignoring the shouting of his name in the background, the iron grip Wendy was keeping in his bicep-

They stumbled out of the building and he fell like a drunk to his car, bracing against the metal door and trying to catch his breath. Wendy's hand was in the middle of his back, rubbing, and he could feel the nervous energy emanating from her, like a light bulb on the corner of his eye.

"She- Oh my fucking God-" he hyperventilated, not missing the fact this was a horrible place to stop, right in front of the dance studio.

"I know," Wendy couldn't possibly know anything, but her voice was like a lifeboat in the storm and Leo clung to it, nodding along her rambling, "we're leaving, you can't stay here-" her hand entered his pocket without warning, fishing out the car keys and then Leo was ushered inside the passenger seat, despite the fact Wendy had pulled at it earlier and made the whole place cramped.

She shut the door, then ran around the car and got in the driver's side, not even bothering to fiddle with the seat and sitting at the very edge in order to drive.

Leo leaned back against the leather, tugging on his shirt with such a force he ripped the first button, gasping for air. He looked up, at the car ceiling, mind spiraling.

Amelia was in town. Amelia lived in his town. This whole time- Had she been there before he even arrived? Had part of him, somehow, known she'd be in Weston and that was why he picked that scholarship out of all the others? How-

"I thought-" Leo choked up and he hadn't realized he had started to cry, but now he noticed there were tears running down his cheeks and his throat was so tight it nearly hurt, "I thought- Fuck-"

Wendy let out a little wounded noise, almost a mew, and reached without looking, her small hand finding her way to his knee in order to comfort him. Leo wrapped his hand on top of hers, squeezing her fingers and trying to ground himself.

What he could hear? The honks of traffic. Wendy's soft cursing, in full yankee. His own hiccupping sobs. The car humming-

What he could smell? Wendy's sweet perfume. Sea salt, because they were near the port area of the city- Trees.

"Pullover-" Leo slurred, whole body jumping with a heave as his stomach threw the towel, "Wendy, PULL-"

The car came to a screeching halt on the side of the street, in some half empty residential area, and Leo threw the door open hastily, barely managing to hang his head out of it before his dinner made a nasty reappearance over the humid tarmac.

He coughed, the sobs turning into gags once more and spat up another mouthful of acidic sludge, his nose and throat burning, whole body shivering violently.

"Shhh-shhh, I got you," Wendy whispered softly and Leo squeezed the door handle, his other hand in the partition between the front and backseat, white knuckling it. He felt her one of her hands coming to cup his forehead, Wendy squeezing his shoulder in a sweet manner, "get it up, you're okay, sweetheart-"

Leo spat the bitter taste, sniffling grossly. His whole head was pounding, warm... "Fuck," he said eloquently, straightening up and falling back against his seat. Wendy let out a small snort, pushing his hair back and waiting patiently for him to be able to say a whole sentence.

"I didn't- I didn't think I'd ever see her again," he admitted, after a good handful of minutes passed. His head was still spinning and Leo wasn't sure if he felt... Angry or relieved or sad. Right now he just felt nauseous, defeated... Empty.

Wendy didn't say anything, continuing to pet his hair and Leo closed his eyes to avoid her concerned gaze. He pressed his lips into a thin line, swallowing down the knot in his throat that he didn't know if it was nausea or more tears, "I hoped I'd never see her again," he whispered, then wiped his mouth and nose with his sleeve, "I can't believe she didn't even-"

"Fuck her," was Wendy's first coherent sentence since they had left the studio and it was startling enough to cause Leo to open his eyes and chuckle, "fuck her so much," Wen repeated, glaring at him to show how serious she was, "she doesn't deserve you, she never did."

His watery laughter very quickly morphed into tears and Leo folded in half, all but falling straight into Wendy's arms, hiding his face against her neck as she hugged him sideways in the side of the road. He could feel his sobs wrecking through her, as Wendy pressed her lips to the top of his head, squeezing him closer.

[haematoclan]

I present you my "Donnie, the Emotionless, Absolutely Never Crying Badboy" collection:

and, of course:

Yep, definitively no emotions here!

[deadpoolsmom]

as far as one piece antagonists go Crocodile truly gets absolutely scooby-doo’d at unmatched levels

He immediately falls for a phone scam and from basically little garden to rainbase he doesn’t even know the strawhats are alive (and clowning towards him at incredible speed). As soon as he does, they’re in his house tearing at his walls and bringing marines into his villain lair.

He uses a literal floor trap door over a gator pit to catch them, gets phone scammed again, full scooby-doo chase scenes after Chopper through the streets while still missing him, and suddenly his prisoners have escaped his impossible cage, and his giant bananagators are dead. and Nico Robin saw it all happen.

He then spends rest of the arc complaining about those meddling kids and their dog “strawhat pirates and their weird pet” and at no point does he even know how many strawhats there are.

Like yeah he keeps having plans on top of plans to stop everything Vivi can do but also she keeps coming up with a new thing to do (Tom and Jerry ass dynamic).

Part of it is that he’s underestimating them and keeps grandstanding villain monologuing but also teens keep killing hundreds of his grand line bounty hunters and he straight up does not know what is happening.

Cause he IS trying to kill them he’s sending top assassins after them and ripping out luffy’s organs, the whole time he’s yelling HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?? DIE. as whack-a-mole Luffy keeps inventing new ways to hit him.

[keets-writing-corner]

Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??

As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue

the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD

He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.

like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...

The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"

and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it

does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING

like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow

For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat

Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation

Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with

Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)

But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time

Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell

Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch

idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room

[shroomwar]

Obsessed with the way Vicodin is such a huge piece of symbolism in House’s relationships. Like. Cuddy left him because he relapsed. She told him that he took the Vicodin to avoid pain, because pain means you care and he wasn’t willing to do that. We’ve seen throughout the show how House’s emotional pain manifests as physical, increasing whenever he feels guilt or anger or sadness or fear. Keep in mind this was while Cuddy was worried she might have cancer.

And then Wilson ACTUALLY gets cancer, and House treats him at his apartment, and he feeds him Vicodin. Because Wilson is in pain, and he’s always the one who cares so much, and it’s House’s turn to take that away. And House doesn’t take any Vicodin. He feels the pain so Wilson’s is lessened, because he CARES. They make a point to show that he is willing to care, willing to take on that burden for him.

House will do anything to stop the pain, unless it makes Wilson suffer.

[bunnieswithknives]

As much as I love angst I think it would be funny if he just didnt give af

[pangur-and-grim]

he can only do his “I’m not touching you” routine for so long. eventually, he gets too excited and tries to play

[egophiliac]

he did it! 🐍 and it only took...uhhh...well, there probably could've been less punches, but why hold back!

PUNCHES FOR EVERYONE

[mxmarsbars]

karma