#the doc is titled “Taking Psychic Damage”

[sibillascribbles08]

Alright, here's some very sad dad, aka Mr. Song, aka Jase's dad. We're going back to the thing that happened before Jase stopped seeing him for like two years.

And going to give the Content Warning: This work contains some homophobic language and a whole bunch of internalized homophobia. No self harm, but there is something that's misread as self harm. Also some adult/suggestive language near the bottom (these men are sluts what can I tell you) but nothing explicit.

Anyway the first chunk is crunchier than a walnut shell so I'm just gonna go ahead and slap on that read more. Have fun??? Idk

“Birthday was going fine until you called.” 

Jae-Won didn’t know why that sentence drove such a hammer through his chest. It wasn’t the first time Jase spoke to him with such disdain. It wasn’t the first time their phone calls turned sour. 

But it became so frequent now. And this was after Jase said he was too busy to come visit for the week and Jae-Won allowed it because he didn’t want his son thinking he’d try to force him to do anything. 

He just wanted to check in, wish him a Happy Birthday, maybe talk about future plans if the kid was up for it. Why did it have to go this way? 

But he refused to break over the phone. “O-oh? Sorry.” He gave a faint laugh and began to pace around his bedroom. “I guess you’re busy right now, huh?” His fingers looped around his beaded necklace. “I can let you get back to it and check in later.” 

“Why bother?”

His steps halted, the heels of his sandals digging into the carpet. “What?”

Jason raised his voice. “I said why bother? Why do you keep doing this?”

Panic gripped Jae-Won’s throat. “Jase—” 

“Why don’t you just take all your shit and get out of my life already?” 

His hand let go of his necklace. The other one almost dropped the phone. It hung loose in his grip as his limbs went numb. 

What could he even say to that? No? I’m sorry? What would he even be apologizing for, being himself? 

Sorry that I’m like this? Sorry your father’s too queer to ever be normal? Sorry I’m a raging embarrassment to you and the rest of my family? 

Tears burned in his eyes and he clenched his fist to hold them back. No, saying all of that wouldn’t matter. Because he couldn’t change who he was, not now. He needed to think about Jase. The kid was almost an adult, and if he decided he didn’t want to see his father anymore, there was nothing Jae-Won could do to stop that. 

The kinder thing to do would be to let him go while Jase was asking for it. 

“Okay.” He finally forced the words out and cleared his throat to keep his voice from wavering. It barely worked. “If… that’s what you want, then okay. Just… if you ever need anything, you can always reach out to me, okay kiddo?” 

“Yeah,” Jase mumbled. And the silence hung in the air like a guillotine. “Whatever.” 

And that single, uncaring word was all it took for Jae-Won’s heart to shatter on the floor. 

Not that he let it show, but he certainly couldn’t breathe a word. And after another agonizing pause, the line finally cut off. 

Jae-Won lowered his phone to stare at his screen. The words flashing to say the call had been disconnected, right below a picture of his son with the first gundam figure he put together. 

He couldn’t really feel anything. The silence in his room droned on for so long he could hear the faint ringing in his ears. Tears stayed in his eyes but they didn’t fall. 

His phone remained idle for so long, the screen finally went black. 

Jae-Won stared at his reflection. At the eye-liner and eyeshadow on his face, the glitter, the stickers, the pins in his hair that he pushed back, the necklaces around his neck that just barely touched the hem of the sequin top he had on. 

Why was he wearing this? Why was he like this? 

His son never wanted to see him again because of all this garbage. His son hated him. It didn’t matter how much Jae-Won loved him. 

Why did he ever fall into all of this? He could still remember Jason’s delighted shouts when his father would come home from work. The loud demands to “show him more robots” on TV. His rapid tapping on the table as he waited for his father to bring over the tea that they always drank before bed. 

The divorce marred all of that in an instant, and Jae-Won knew he couldn’t just blame his ex for that. He made his own choices. He chose to lean into it. And he didn’t know how to keep his son from shutting him out more and more as the years passed. 

He kept staring at his reflection. He clutched his phone tighter, watching it shake in his grip. 

“You think you’re fit to raise a son if you’re going to go around sleeping with any man you find?” 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Song, but this court rules in favor of—”

“You either take this deal, or we’re going to present even more evidence to the court that could easily keep you away from your son for good.” 

“Jae, if you show up wearing something like that to pick up our son again, I’m taking this back to the judge.” 

“You’re so damn disgusting.” 

“How could you turn out like this? Didn’t we raise you better?”

“Do you invite all those men and women over to your house? You better keep them out when Jase is there.” 

“Do you hear me? Watch it. We wouldn’t want Jase turning into a degenerate like you.” 

Jae-Won tossed his phone onto the floor as hard as he could manage. 

He didn’t linger to see if it broke or not. He rushed straight into the bathroom. The second he saw his reflection he gritted his teeth. He had half a mind to just punch the mirror in, but that wouldn’t fix the problem staring back at him. 

The problem was simple. He was too much of a fucking freak to be a father. He refused to believe that for so long, but now even his own son didn’t want to look at him anymore. 

Jae-Won grabbed both necklaces in one hand and snapped them off. His neck stung. The beads clattered onto the tile floor. 

He ripped his top off as well and chucked it to the side before turning on the sink. With a handful of water he splashed it on his face and rubbed as hard as he could. He felt the glitter and the stickers scraping against his skin. His cheeks hurt. But he didn’t let up. He glanced back up at the mirror to find he’d barely gotten the damn shit off, just smeared it around. Fucking sealer. 

Oh look at you. An internal demon that hadn’t haunted him in years suddenly whispered in the back of his mind. Who do you think you’re fooling, looking like that, you fucking freak.

These days he’d always snap back that yes, he was a fucking freak, but now that thought had his legs shaking so bad he collapsed on the bathroom floor. 

Why get so dolled up? It continued. To make you forget what a massive failure you are at being anything society expected out of you? You failed to get the job you dreamed of. Failed to keep your wife. And now you’re a failure of a father to boot. 

“Shut-up.” He tried to hiss past the pressure on his throat. He gripped the side of the sink and pulled himself up, only to be forced to look at his reflection once more. 

Face it. The inner demon’s voice shifted into his own, and he found himself mumbling along with it. “Jase always hated us, he just only now found the courage to say it.” 

That’s the truth, wasn’t it. All those years of week-long visits and Jase wanted nothing more than to get away from him, but didn’t feel bold enough to say it. 

Because Jae-Won Song was a disgusting, slutty degenerate. 

He glanced back up at his smeared make-up, and now his fist did connect with the mirror. The glass splintered, but didn’t break off. His knuckles hurt, but it wasn’t enough. 

Jae-Won jerked the cabinet doors open. He snatched every piece of make-up he could see and hurled it at the wall. Pallets of eyeshadow exploded against the tile wall of his shower into plumes of colored dust. Nail polish shattered and splattered onto the tub. Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, blush, all the stupid little brushes and sponges and his single tube of lipstick. 

He took a second to gasp for air, blinking through the tears. He stared at the mess of paint, powder and broken glass and plastic. Not enough. It wasn’t enough. 

He snatched his trimming scissors out next, ready to try and turn the metal into nothing but a ball of scrap from stomping on it hundreds of times.

“Jae?” 

The panicked shout had him looking back. He stared at Manny—one of his partners—who stared back, more frightened than he had been during any of their horror movie nights. 

Manny’s gaze darted to the scissors, then he rushed into the bathroom. 

Jae-Won leapt away from the motion, but he had nowhere to go. Manny grabbed him in a sort-of hug, pinning Jae’s arms to his sides, and held him close. Jae-Won struggled, panic and adrenaline still surging through his system. Only more so when he fully registered who was holding him. 

Disgusting. Disgusting. He was so disgusting. 

He didn’t realize he was screaming until Manny had to shout over him to be heard. “Jae. Calm down. Calm down for me, okay? Drop the scissors.” 

Jae-Won kept thrashing, kept trying to rip free. No. No. He wasn’t done. He had to get rid of the rest of it. Break it, burn it, so he could never touch it again. Shred it until he had no choice but to be someone normal and respectable and worthy to take care of the thing he loved the most. 

Manny started to drag him backwards into the hall. Boots pounded on the nearby staircase, then Angie’s voice came in. “Manny, what the fuck is going on?”

“I don’t know.” Manny told her. “Text the group to get on standby and call the restaurant. Then get some water.” 

Jae-Won thrashed again.

Manny tightened his grip. “You’re okay. You’re okay, Darling.” 

The pet name just made him angrier, even if it shouldn’t, because he started that entire trend. “Don’t call me that.” 

“Alright, done and done. Now let’s take a deep breath and drop the scissors, okay?” 

Jae-Won tried even harder to rip himself free. “Let me go!”

“Not until you drop the scissors. I’m not going to let you hurt yourself.” 

What? Is that what Manny thought he was doing? He didn’t have the space in his brain to figure out how he came to that conclusion. But fine. Fine! If Jae-Won couldn’t turn them into sheet metal he’d just do it later. 

With how little he could move his arms, he could barely throw the trimmers more than a few feet toward the bathroom door. 

Manny immediately relaxed and loosened his grip, but he didn’t let go. “Alright, good, now let’s take a deep breath—”

“Let go of me.”

“Jae, come on.”

“I said let go!”

“Okay, okay.” Manny’s grip finally vanished.

Jae-Won scrambled to his feet. In the process he stumbled into the wall. He could barely see at this point. Between the tears and his contacts everything shifted into blurs of color. He tried to step away from Manny for… some reason. His brain just screamed at him to get away. Get away from the temptation. 

More boots on the stairs just kicked his panic into overdrive. He tried to dart into his bedroom, but his head slammed into the corner of the door. 

“Shit, Jae.” Manny touched his shoulder. “Let’s at least just sit down.”

“No.” Jae-Won tried to shove him off, but then another pair of hands grabbed his arms. Angie, no doubt. “Let go. Leave me alone.”

“Like hell we’re doing that when you’re acting like this.” Angie spat. “What the hell is going on, babe?” 

“I said leave me alone!” He screamed so loud it tore at his throat.

“No!” Manny shouted back. “We love you too damn much for that.” 

Something about that sentence snapped his anger away. All of it vanished at once, leaving him with nothing but anguish. 

His legs gave out, and the only reason he didn’t hit the floor is because both of his partners held fast. They each slid an arm under his shoulders and gently guided him down to the bedroom carpet. 

Jae-Won couldn’t manage to say anything, not that any coherent words even formed in his brain. All he could do was sob, curling up so his face pressed against the floor. It hurt. It hurt. He wished he could just reach into his chest and rip out his heart and let himself bleed out on the floor. 

Manny gently shushed him, rubbing a hand along his back. “It’s gonna be alright, Jae. We’re here, okay?” 

Jae-Won tried to cling to the words, but his brain immediately shoved them away again. Stop. Don’t give in. These people were part of the thing he needed to get rid of. 

But why was he even lying to himself? He couldn’t get rid of that, or them. 

The tears finally slowed down just enough for him to speak. “Why am I like this?” 

“What?” Angie held his hand. “Like what, babe?” 

“Why am I like this?” He forced himself up so he could put a hand on his chest. “Why did I have to be like this? Why couldn’t I just be normal?” 

He still couldn’t see clearly, but the horrified expressions that Manny and Angie exchanged were still obvious. 

“Jae?” Manny reached out and held his face, lightly brushing away tears. “Hey, listen to me. I don’t know what’s going on, but there is nothing wrong with you.” 

“Did your parents suddenly call you back?” Angie growled. “I told you to block their—”

“Angie, wait until we get the story.” 

Jae-Won shook his head and pushed Manny’s hands to the side. “If there was nothing wrong with me, then my son wouldn’t be so disgusted with me.” 

His partners fell silent. 

So he continued, even if he struggled to get the words out between sobs. “He told me to finally get out of his life. Just how long has he wanted me to do that? Just how long has he been stuck coming over to my house wishing he never had to see me again?” He tried to wipe his eyes, but the tears didn’t slow down. If anything they got worse. “All because I can’t help being anything but a filthy, disgusting, de—”

“Hey!” Manny’s voice boomed through the room. “Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that.”

“It’s true!”

“It’s not.” Manny held his shoulders tight. “I’m sorry, Jae. I’m sorry that your son can’t see what a fucking gorgeous person you are. I know I’m not a parent. I know I can’t even begin to understand how you feel. But you cannot blame yourself for the choices he’s making.”

“Maybe not.” Jae-Won sputtered. “But I can blame myself for mine. If I hadn’t made that stupid choice right after the divorce. If I tried to just stay away from it maybe this rift never would have shown up.”

“You don’t know that.” Angie insisted. “You could have just made yourself so miserable trying to keep all of this under wraps that it would have just created a different kind of rift.”

“I could have tried.” 

“Well you didn’t.” Manny sighed. “You didn’t, and we’re here now. And even if you tried to rip that part of you away and bury it, would anything even change? Do you really think Jase would suddenly change how he feels about you?” 

No. Jae-Won didn’t, but he couldn’t say that out loud. Just the thought of it left him in another fit of sobs. He tried to curl up onto the floor again, only for Manny to pull him onto his lap instead. 

“Sorry,” Manny gently played with his hair. “That was probably a bit harsh. But I don’t want to watch you destroy yourself for something you may not even be able to get back.” 

“Besides.” Angie held his hand again. “If he doesn’t love you for who you are, does he really love you at all?” 

Once again they were right, but Jae-Won turned away from the reality that stared him in the face. Not right now. He couldn’t bear to look at it right now. 

His son—the center of his universe, the first thing that made his life stop feeling aimless, a bundle small enough to rest in one arm while Jae-Won promised him the world a hundred times over—never wanted to see him again. 

Jae-Won just kept sobbing into his boyfriend’s leather pants until his thoughts stopped all together.

-------------------------

The first thing Jae-Won was aware of when he woke up was that his eyes burned. They felt dry. He could tell one of his contacts slid out of place. He rubbed them to get rid of the crust and tried to open them, only for that to hurt too much to manage. He then noted the mild headache, like he was dehydrated, and the fact he was in bed.

How did he get here?

Without opening his eyes he sat up and felt around. He still had on his denim shorts, still topless, and his hair was an absolute nightmare right now. 

He got to the edge of the bed and stood. Just how did he get here? What even happened? 

Then his memory came back, and he stopped walking towards the door.

Right. 

Jase was gone. 

His chest still hurt an unbelievable amount, but he didn’t cry. He probably just couldn’t at this point. 

He heard footsteps in the hallway outside and turned his head, even though that was pointless because he still couldn’t see. 

“Oh, you woke up.” Manny said before he came closer. “How are you feeling?” 

Jae-Won didn’t know how to answer that. He could practically hear the screams and wails that echoed from his heart to his ears. 

“Physically, I mean.” Manny added. 

That was a bit easier to answer. “My eyes burn. They feel dry.” And now his throat did too. He could hear the cracks in his voice. Did he really scream that much earlier? “Guide me to the bathroom?”

“Bathroom? Uh, yeah sure, the sink should be okay.” 

Jae-Won let his boyfriend take his hand and guide him around the walls and to the sink. He didn’t hesitate to run the water and wipe down his face and his eyes. When the dryness subsided enough for him to open his eyes, he took some time to remove his contacts. Getting the one that managed to slide to the side was a trial of frustration and pain, but eventually he managed it. He put them both back into their container and finally tried to look at himself in the mirror.

Hard to do with the cracks that ran along it, but his makeup was still smeared all over his face. He never took out the pins in his hair, and decided to do so now before messing it up even further so it would start laying flat again. 

The clink of glass made him look toward the shower and…

Oh.

Manny was carefully picking things out of the tub. A mess of broken glass and color that extended from the bottom all the way up the tiled wall. 

Jae-Won knew he did that, but his memory of it was so hazy now. Like something else took hold of his brain and piloted him around for a few minutes. 

“Y-you don’t have to pick that up.” Jae-Won coughed from the dryness in his throat. “I can—”

“Jae.” Manny stood and tossed whatever he was holding into the tiny trash can. “I’ve got it. It’s fine. But I should leave the rest for later. Where’s your makeup remover?”

“The vanity in my room.” Jae-Won went to go get it, but Manny moved ahead of him.

But they didn’t reach the bedroom. His boyfriend suddenly stopped walking.

“Right, almost forgot, Angie’s going to go out to get some food. Anything you want?” His soft smile then turned serious. “You are eating something.” 

Yeah, Jae-Won knew that tone. There’d be no sense in arguing. And truthfully, as hollow as he felt, he at least didn’t feel nauseous. “Comfort food, without a doubt.”

“Emalia’s tacos or Smokin’ Andy’s burgers?” 

Jae-Won almost cracked a smile at the nickname. “Tacos.”

“You got it.” Manny leaned over the stair rail. “Hey Angie!”

“Yes Babe?” Angie called from the kitchen. “Is he up?” 

“Sure is, wanna pick up our favorites from Emalia’s?” Manny dug a few twenties out of his pocket. 

“On it.”

“Here, take my cash.” Manny tossed it over the railing and down to the first floor.

Angie huffed. “Throwing money at me like I’m a stripper.” 

“You are a stripper.” 

“Only some nights.” 

Jae-Won could easily imagine her sticking out her tongue. Quite likely since Manny was doing the same. 

“Alright, I’ll be back.” Her boots headed toward the backdoor. “Take care of our darling while I’m gone.”

“You know it.” Manny shouted after her. “Drive safe.” With that he spun back around and gestured to the bedroom. 

Well, Jae-Won’s bedroom. The other bedroom, the guest room, the place where Jase always slept, had its door open still further along the top floor. From here he could see the pixel-like bedsheets, the handful of transformer stickers on the window, and on the desk sat— 

“Jae.”

His boyfriend’s voice was the only thing that kept the pressure in his chest from shattering it all over again. Jae-Won tore his gaze away from the room and stepped into his own. 

He aimed for the package of make-up remover wipes, but Manny snatched it up first.

Jae-Won frowned. “Manny, I can—”

“Sit.” Manny pointed to the chair and pulled one of the wipes out. 

“Manny—”

“Sit.” He repeated.

Jae-Won let out a frustrated sigh and did so, crossing his arms in the process. “I know I’m a disaster and I’m definitely having a crisis, but you don’t have to baby me.”

“I’m not babying you.” Manny gently held his chin and started cleaning his left cheek. “If I was babying you, I’d wrap you up in a blanket burrito and put you on the bed. Then I’d do this while singing some obnoxious lullaby.” 

Jae-Won refused to laugh at the joke. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?” He tossed the used wipe aside and got another one. This one ran over the eyebrows. “Or is this one of those times you meant to say ‘I don’t deserve your kindness.’” 

Jae-Won’s nails dug into his skin. Damn it. Manny knew him too well after all these years. 

“So I’ll just say what I always say. I don’t give a damn if you deserve it or not, you’re getting it. Because I love you.” 

That word made Jae-Won’s teeth clench. His skin tingled and itched, to the point he wanted to tear it off. 

Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting.

Manny stopped cleaning and let go of him. “Hey, you alright?” 

“Sorry.” Jae-Won breathed in through his nose and out of his mouth. Just breathe, don’t spiral. 

“Don’t need an apology. I just need to know if you’re okay.” 

Jae-Won squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Of course I’m not, Manny. You’ll have to be more specific.” 

“Fine, is something I’m doing upsetting you?” 

Yes? No? “It’s not your fault.” 

Manny let out a frustrated sigh. He paced around the room a few times, hands on top of his head. Jae-Won just kept focusing on his breathing before his self loathing caused him to do something else he’d regret. 

“Alright, let’s try again.” Manny stepped back over and knelt down, placing a hand on Jae-Won’s knee. “Can you try to tell me what’s going on in your head?”

Where did he even begin with a topic like that? The question alone prompted a wall of thoughts that he couldn’t keep up with. 

“Right, be more specific. What were you thinking about when you tensed up like that?” 

He let out a pathetic whine and pressed his hands against his cheeks. He could still feel all the powder coating the right one. “I don’t… I don’t know how to explain that without upsetting you.” 

Manny rested his other hand on the same knee before putting his chin on top of them both. “You know what’s upsetting? Coming in here to find out why my boyfriend isn’t coming outside for date night to find him clutching a pair of scissors in a wrecked bathroom like he’s about to stab himself.” 

Jae-Won blinked, his hazy memory clearing up just a bit. “That wasn’t what I was doing.”

“No? It sure as hell looked that way.”

“I’m not going to hurt myself.” 

“I think you are, Jae, just not in a physical sense.” Manny squeezed his leg. "Trying to shred parts of yourself is hurting you." 

He let out a shaky breath. "I know, and I'm trying not to, but it…" 

Another squeeze. "What's going on in your head?" 

Jae-Won clenched his hands together to keep the emotions in his chest from reaching his throat. “Jase is disgusted with me. He probably always has been. I managed to get past the insults from my ex, her boyfriend, and most of my family, but him shutting me out of his life just makes me disgusted with myself all over again.” 

He tightened his grip on his fingers and then relaxed them again, watching the faint wrinkles on the back of his hand. “So every time you’re affectionate with me… my head doesn’t like that. It keeps trying to convince me I need to get away from it before I get any more filthy.” 

Manny let go of him and leaned back. “So, you’re more or less back in the rut you were in when we first met?”

Hah, such an odd memory. Ignoring the fact he’d been too plastered at the time to actually remember all of it. It always sat in his mind as something joyful and something painful at the same time. 

It’d been only a few days after the custody case came to a close. Jae-Won decided, fuck it, and found himself back at another local queer bar where he proceeded to drink way more than he should have. 

Manny had to fill in the blanks of his god awful flirting with Angie, which somehow devolved into gross sobbing and then completely passing out on the booth seat. 

A miracle the pair decided to do the kind thing and let him sleep it off at their apartment. It’d been frightening at first, waking up in a strange place with people he barely recognized, but as they chatted over breakfast, things started to click into place. 

They’d been his first friends in his new lifestyle, and somehow they stuck around ever since. Sometimes he’d crack jokes that the sex must be that good, but he knew Angie and Manny both saw him as more than just a long term friend-with-benefits. 

“Kind of pathetic, isn’t it?” Jae-Won mumbled. “All those years of biting back fear and guilt so I could walk comfortably in heels and an open back dress and it’s undone with one conversation.” 

Manny tilted his head. “Jae, that kind of stuff is never really gone forever. Especially in the world we live in. Sure, New York City makes it easier for us to be ourselves, but it’s still part of a bigger world. We can fight systems, stick in groups, and decide every morning that we’re going to unapologetically be ourselves, but that doesn’t mean it’s not scary. I mean, was that incident with the guy whose ear you ripped off not a reminder of that?”

Jae-Won frowned and finally unclenched his hands. “I think I was too angry at the time to be frightened.” 

Manny laughed. “Yeah, I can believe that. Your temper is unbelievable for someone of your size.”

“I’m not that short.”

Manny stood, probably to emphasize a point, except it didn’t count because Jae-Won was sitting. “Short to me and Angie.” 

“You’re literally only seven inches taller.”

“In more than one place.” Manny wiggled his eyebrows.

Jae-Won glared and lightly kneed his boyfriend in the crotch. 

“Ow, hey, no.” Manny jumped back. “See what I mean? This is why even Angie avoids pissing you off.” 

Jae-Won slumped in his chair. “I think we’re getting off track.”

“Yeah, probably.” Manny snatched up a new wipe. “Pretty easy to do when it comes to us though, right?”

Jae-Won didn’t reply to that. He just sat still as his boyfriend continued cleaning his face off. 

“My point from earlier,” Manny said, “Is that all these negative feelings you have about being queer, have probably been sitting in the back of your mind for a long time. Especially if Jase has always been getting farther and farther away. It can’t be the first time in all these years you’ve thought about it again.”

No, it wasn’t. It happened almost every time Jase came to visit. Jae-Won would always clean up his house, making sure to stuff away any pictures, art, flags and all sorts. He’d shove away the dresses, the glitter, the t-shirts covered in dirty words, and the high heels into a storage box that he’d put in the back of his closet. Just be normal for a week, he’d tell himself, or Jase will either leave for good or be dragged away. For an entire week Jae-Won would be suffocating on the inside and in the end it’d been for nothing. It hadn’t even worked. 

Maybe Angie was right. Even if he’d kept himself away from all this, would it have really stopped the rift? 

“There, all clean.” Manny announced and tossed the last wipe in the bin. He leaned forward, likely aiming for a kiss on the cheek, but then stopped. “May I?” 

He almost never asked for permission, because by this point they’d known each other so long they knew all the signals. 

Jae-Won appreciated it, and ultimately decided on a yes. He let his boyfriend kiss his cheek before he turned his head and met his lips.

Manny sighed into the contact, like he’d just gotten his first sip of water after being lost in the desert. Jae-Won put a hand on the back of his boyfriend’s neck, sliding it up so his fingers got caught in the tight curls of Manny’s hair.

Another sigh. Manny leaned over him, and one of his knees rested on the chair next to Jae-Won’s thigh. 

“I said it before,” Manny murmured against his lips. “But I’ll say it again. You’re the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever met.” 

Jae-Won rolled his eyes. “We both know Smokin’ Andy is way hotter.” 

Manny laughed, the vibrations easy to feel as he pressed their noses together. “That’s not what I mean, even if you are pretty as fuck. I met you in a bar when you practically lost everything just because you dared to dip your toes into something you wanted. Most people would backtrack so fast from that, but you kept going, and you went hard.” 

Jae-Won felt his cheeks heating up. “It wasn’t that—” 

Manny pinched his cheeks. “This stuffy little nerd who stuttered and blushed the second anyone cute tried to talk to him. You know I used to be able to whisper the word ‘penis’ in your ear and you’d immediately go red.” 

Jae-Won rolled his eyes. “Maybe that’s because you were so embarrassing to be around.” 

“And now look at you. You throw open the doors to a room in whatever wild outfit you decide to rock that evening and command the attention of everyone there. You walk everywhere like you own the place. You see someone you want and you go after them, even if they turn you down.” 

Jae-Won wished he could sink into the chair. This was getting to be too much. 

“My point is” Manny gave him another kiss. “I watched you enter this world frightened out of your mind, but you refused to give up. And watching you wrestle down all of that fear piece by piece is the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Now he felt warm everywhere. Emotions twisted in his chest, because at this current point in time he just felt like a coward again. Letting his mind talk him into trying to throw all of this away. But now his boyfriend was in front of him—on top of him—whispering much kinder words in his ear, and that inner voice couldn’t manage to talk over it. 

Jae-Won grabbed the collar of Manny’s jacket as he pulled him back into the kiss and kept trying to tug him closer. Manny let out a short growl, his knee sliding further up the chair. 

“You know you taste like whatever cleanser is on those wipes.” Manny muttered between smooches. 

“Then stop kissing me.” 

“No.” Manny bit down on Jae-Won’s lip.

He gasped and twisted the leather jacket in his grip. “Going to play dirty, huh?” 

“Try and stop me.”

Jae-Won had half a mind to lift one of his legs and press it against his boyfriend’s dick, but just then the downstairs door opened.

“Boys, dinner’s here.” Angie called. “I better not come upstairs and find you two making out on the floor.” 

“You won’t.” Manny shouted back. “Jae’s in a chair.”

Angie let out a shriek, probably to mimic an offended gasp. “You two starting without me? Unbelievable.” 

Manny just kept chuckling and got off the chair. He took one of Jae-Won’s hands and pulled him to his feet. “Do you want to change, by the way?” 

Jae-Won looked down at his denim shorts. Literally the only thing he had on right now. “Uh, might be a good idea.” 

“Unless you want me to lick taco sauce off your chest.”

Jae-Won snorted and playfully shoved his boyfriend to the side, hand on his face. “Jeez, you’re all over me tonight. Is watching me have a breakdown just that sexy?”

“Nah,” Manny answered in a serious tone. “Just trying to see if it gets you back to normal, even if it only lasts for so long.” 

Yeah. No doubt trying to sleep tonight he’d be plagued by negative thoughts all over again. No doubt his conversation with Jase would turn into an endless loop until the voices of the rest of his family joined in. 

So for now, he should at least try to focus on just his partners and eating some dinner. 

[pepis-benis]

do y’all ever take psychic damage from doc titles?

[jellieland]

Ok, so I haven't really done this before, but with the level and quality and effort put into this thing I would very much like to give it a proper read through. So.

Hotguyzine liveblog under the cut, starting with:

The Most Epic and Heartwrenching and Harrowing Battle of the Turn of the Century

I mean, literally from the first page this is all just so incredibly well presented. It looks so good.

And it's Joel and Lizzie with cat ears. I love it already.

"You can be average guy. Mediocre guy." Mean to him. Probably warranted! But also. Mean to him.

Wait, are Joel and Lizzie just known as Guy and Gal? That's great.

"I'M GAL!"

("and i'm. guy.")

I love them.

Oh, Scar is SUCH a reliable narrator. For sure.

"Give me all your cats[h!]" Sooo reliable. Also is that Gem with the animal control van or just someone with red hair?

Right. Right yeah of course he has a camera crew. Why wouldn't he?

I love watching Scar and Lizzie talk about their OCs together.

Wait. Is being an unreliable narrator literally his superpower? Is this is a representation of post-production editorialising, or literally what's happening? Because those have quite different implications.

HUH.

"Knocked both of the dangerous villains to ground in one hit!" What do you mean BOTH Scar, you just erased Joel from the narrative.

Ok! This is quite alarming!!

"With great hotness comes greater guy?" I'm going to choose to ignore everything else that's happening and say yes, you should definitely go with this one, Scar, for sure.

---

Meet Cute

Now first of all, I see that pun in the title. I see it, and I appreciate it!

"I should've figured it was you." I really love the visual representation of the phrase "dripping with malice", there. I also love the Cuteguy design!

"That was kinda rude" Ok that. That's way less extreme than I was expecting from the initial reaction.

"Anyway byeeeee!!!" Oh so they're BOTH annoying weirdos. Perfect.

---

King for a Day

Oh hello Bdubs. This should be fun.

Ren: "You're

Hotguy?"

Bdubs: "How did you do that with your mouth."

"Yeah. What if." Oh Bdubs is TIRED tired huh.

I love how Ren is just immediately fully on board. Like. Yeah he would be like that wouldn't he. He's so enthusiastic it's great.

I-85 box??? Iskall crumbs???? Ooh, and Cub! And... maybe Doc?

Hey there Grian. Have some flowers (and also some dangerous paperwork but don't worry about that part)!

"I'm not joining your little king's court." Oooh, I see. I see. Hey, at least he kept the flowers, right, Scar?

Getting Pearl to publish a hit piece immediately is maybe a little extreme, but fair enough I guess!

"They're gonna throw TOMATOES at me in the town square, man!" Don't worry, Ren. In another life, they already did.

---

Mumblr. Incredible.

Shoutout to teeth dog. My new favourite superhero.

Oh no. The discourse. The discourse. It's too real.

Maple Prince. Etho is a cryptid. Amazing.

"so if heroes are showing crafted personas to the public, don’t you think hotguy and cuteguy having matching names and outfits at least verges on queerbaiting?" I don't. Really have anything to say about this. But I feel like I have to include something that dealt me this amount of psychic damage in the liveblog.

---

G-Team

"I'm off to visibily protect the public." Yeah, that sounds about right.

Oh, the gala was hosted by Doc! And he even made sure to specify that there were DEFINITELY NO ulterior motives! Well I don't see how anything could possibly have gone wrong then!

"wearing his lab coat to a gala?? sus af." No I think that's just Cub, Grian. Although to be fair, "sus af" is maybe his default state now that I think about it.

Ah, it's Sherlock Grian! I love it.

Oh is this conversation taking place in Grian's mind palace? That's great.

Eyy, Permit Manager Grian coming in with all his considerable power, that being opaque bureaucratic processes and hold music! It seems pretty effective.

This is such a good chase scene. The broken heart symbol on the jacket is interesting!

And there's some sculk leaking into the drain. That seems. Fine. That definitely won't come back later to cause problems, I'm sure.

---

The Case of the Missing Cub

Oh, I'm sure this isn't going to be related to the sculk at all. There's definitely nothing on the very first page that would suggest otherwise. (I'm very excited about this one, I always love sculk related stories.)

The sculk snail is actually so cute, I love it.

Uh oh, there's Cub! And he looks like he's maybe having a bad time.

Oh dear, and Grian immediately gets sculked. That's slightly concerning.

"This fight fucking sucks." You know what, that's fair, Grian.

Yay, mutually agreed upon arson! And they both looks so happy about it!

Grian. GRIAN. WHY.

The realistic notes app t-shirt with Scar's actual minecraft face, followed by the deadpan "I want this." It's perfect. It's incredible. It's definitely how Cub would react to being shown that image upon waking up in front his burning house after being possessed. It literally made me laugh out loud.

"Oh, that reminds me. Why is my house on fire?" How. How did that remind you of your house being on fire.

"I used it to season my pizza." ...Yeah. Yeah that sounds about right.

I loved this one a lot. All of the stories have been great, but I especially enjoyed this.

---

Hotguy! Has One New Mail

Oh we get the one sided Bdubs and Cub rivalry from season 7! Excellent!

All the character voices are just so perfect. Bdubs' "Founding Principles" followed by Cub's "Yeah man cool this all sounds great" are just so perfectly in character for both of them.

I want some of Cub's cool space facts, and honestly if I emailed a celebrity/superhero and they sent me a link to cool space facts in return, I would be ecstatic.

Scar sold Doc a none existent bridge. Amazing. Sorry, Beef's proxy, but the list of things you're saying Scar shouldn't have been doing certainly isn't going to convince Cub, of all people, that anything needs to change.

"why have you sent me a list of top supernovas!" WOW, Grian, ungrateful much? Enjoy your supernovas.

"he is rescuing kittens from tragically falling into rivers, an activity that has fully occupied him for the past eighteen months." To be fair I feel like if Scar could do this, he would.

"everything is completely under control" Yeah, Special Officer #49, everything I've seen about this city so far really suggests that you've got it all under control. For sure.

"Hotguy is currently in Canada fighting smallpox by shooting individual bacteria with a special crossbow, for which he has received a commendation from their Prime Minister." I love Cub's excuses for Hotguy, they're all great. Also love how Pearl's main problem with this one is apparently the lack of smallpox in Canada, when obviously the actual main problem is that Scar is banned for Canada.

"casting_directors_bdubs_is_not_feuding_with" Well I'm glad there's at least one. And of course Scar's recording a snack commercial while all this is going on.

NOOO, GRIAN'S PIZZA! This is so sad.

---

The 30 part thread by Doc is amazing. As are Bdubs' ill-advised replies.

Ooh, a good old classic Doc disproportionate twitter threat! Always love those!

Carol the zombie mention! AND she's a movie star! Let go!!

Jellie... I love her the picture is perfect. She deserves that quarter of a million likes and more.

---

Ok, this is 100 pages into the zine and has got fairly long, so I'll probably continue this in another post!

[clocks-are-round]

WHAT THE FUCK. After finding that last snippet I did more digging in my google docs. what the fuckk hahaha

it’s titled “april fools” from March 2022, so like exactly two years ago. i have cued it for the next April 1st

some things are best left unpublished but frankly i don’t like to take that much psychic damage and NOT inflict it on the next idly curious RvB fan.

i remember now, i was going to write a fic with the most bastardized fandomy takes on each character possible but i legitimately can’t tell if that psa was a real attempt at that or if i physically could not bring myself to (likely) and went for the easier to deal with ‘react to fandom’ instead

Prepare for lots of Donut innuendos

(it’s not actually that bad, i very much did back out of the initial concept immediately, it just caught me really off guard haha)

——

I’m going t o fucking c r y. this was pain to write. (first thing i wrote. haven’t even written the fic yet)

fandom cringe versions plZ i hate it

Simmons: ;w; anxiety boi

Grif: uwu sleepy boi

Caboose: owo can do no wrong boi

Donut: owo can do no wrong femboi

i don’t know if i can do this. holy shit. i know it’s for april fools but if it causes pain to write aren’t i the fool?

ImPorTaNt RvB PSA

Simmons: Hi everyone, I’m Dick Simmons from popular webseries Red vs Blue.

Grif: And I’m Dexter Grif from the same show.

Caboose: And I am Caboose

Simmons: … Hi Caboose.

Caboose: What are we talking about today?

Caboose: And now, the weather! Spoiler, it is rain.

Simmons: Uh… No idea how to segue that back. So, we’re supposed to read these fan stories. This first one is about me and Grif it looks like, and– Wait, wait what??

Grif: What? What is it, let me see. *starts laughing hysterically*

Simmons: *flustered* What is this mushy gushy romance stuff? I’d just– I’d just like to set the record straight that if I did hypothetically have feelings for a person that I knew I totally wouldn’t do that. I mean, pine for somebody? For a decade? That’s some bullshit, any self-respecting person would move on in that amount of time–

Lopez: [Honestly, you two are not subtle. Even I’ve noticed and I try my hardest to ignore you all.]

Grif: You would! You would act like that around a crush! Holy shit, they nailed you, Simmons!

Donut: Did someone say Donut?

Donut: Wait a minute! Fanfiction?? Those are my people! Let me host this one please please please? I’ll be the hostess with the mostest! I’ll put my Donut whole into it!

Simmons: Yeah, I need to go bleach my eyes, so be my guest.

Grif: And I just wanted to watch Simmons die as he read all this. It’s no fun if it’s you, Donut.

Donut: Well, I’m excited. I can’t wait to read how deep they’ve penetrated into you and Simmons’ relationship! Looks like you two are in a lot of these.

Simmons: Lalala I can’t hear you. I can’t hear anything and therefore do not need to respond to any awkward topics.

Donut: Ooh, they’re all romantic.

Grif: Oh god, yeah, let’s go.

Doc: Could I be co-host? I haven’t helped host one of these in forever!

Donut: I thought you didn’t like this kind of thing?

Doc: Well, we’re keeping it PG, I’ll be just fine.

Donut: Ehhhh

Doc: Donut. We’re keeping it PG, right? *O’Malley* I hope not. I’d like to see some carnage. Shut up, you fool. It’s fiction. *Doc* I didn’t say anything. *O’Malley* You were about to chastise me.

Donut: Depends… does PG stand for pornogr–

Doc: Donut! *O’Malley* Or pussy grande. *Doc* O’Malley! There’s way more out there than just smut! Even in the romance genre there are comedies, introspective pieces, adventure, slice-of-life, drama…

Donut: Well, yeah, but I figured we could do a little of everything.

Lopez: [Jesus christ, just choose one. I’m going to burn this anyways.]

Donut: Good idea, Lopez! Burn it to discs! We can send them out as audiobooks!

Lopez: [I meant in a fire.]

Donut: Yeah, it is a fire idea, Lopez. Jeez, now you’re just fishing for compliments. *clears throat*

Doc: We’re doing a “safe for work” one, right? *O’Malley mutters* You are a wet, wretched blanket. I hope you know that.

Donut: Yeah, yeah. Jeez. Now I have to clear my throat dramatically again! *clears throat*

——

you know what? fuck it. this is about in line with my other fake psas maybe i’ll complete it and post it on ao3. eventually. on an april 1st, naturally lol

[youtastelike-sunlight]

hey MJ!!!! sweet and pure asks for you <3

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite?

🦄- how do you perceive yourself?

🍓- one secret about yourself

🎀- which of your fics is closest to your heart and why?

Thank you my friend!!! 🥰 (yes I am answering these five hours before my alarm goes off shut up)

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite?

My BFF bought me a limited edition Barbie candle back when the Barbie movie came out (they were selling them at her work) and it was SO GOOD. It was like… strawberry and vanilla? I need to try and find a dup at Yankee Candle while I’m here. The Santal 26 candle is my longstanding fave, however!

🦄- how do you perceive yourself?

Extremely poorly, it’s the trauma babyyyyy 😂

🍓- one secret about yourself

For the most part I’m an alarmingly open book, far more than people want me to be lmao. I don’t know that I have any secrets!

🎀- which of your fics is closest to your heart and why?

Every time y’all ask me to pick one of my TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY ONE fics (and that’s just on ao3, not the ones still hidden on LJ!!) I take fucking psychic damage I swear. With that said, maybe it’s And all the rest’s illusion, titled in the google doc “Patrick Brewer is queer (as in fuck you)”. I just have a lot of feelings about queerness and community and identity and belonging. But I also might have a totally different answer for you tomorrow lol.

[Sweet and pure asks]

[luci-cunt]

You ever take psychic damage while writing a character?

-7 braincells everytime this motherfucker speaks, AND IM THE ONE MAKING HIM SPEAK

transcripts beneath dis cut

All the images are screenshots of various sections of a google doc depicting a WIP titled "Brain Dead"

[Image 1]

“Hm,” Parker hummed. “Anything else you can tell me about Dejan?”

Johns glanced around, lowering her voice a bit. “Apparently, he got slotted twice for some kind of psych-eval thing, they wanted to study him. Both the armchair’s lasted two weeks and one quit, the other offed himself.”

Parker’s face scrunched. “What is he? The joker?”

Johns laughed, and it turned into a wet cough. “He’s a piece of work apparently.”

[Image 2]

"Do you think I'm a dog, detective?"

[Image 3]

"You tried yoga? Or cocaine?"

[Image 4]

“You’ve got your wires crossed between annoying and unsettling,” Albert said snidely.

“I’ve got a lot of wires crossed,” he took a drag, eyes roaming over Albert’s tensed posture and the way his hands had balled into fists. “Does it make you want to punch me?”

Yes, yes very much, Albert thought, but he didn’t say it outloud.

[Image 5]

“Love it when he swears,” his tone turned conversational as he quirked a brow at Parker. “You ever jerked off in church?”

Parker deserved a medal for how straight she kept her expression. “Not the question I asked,” she said, flat.

[Image 6]

The stranger pointed to the no-smoking sign with his cigarette. "I don't do well with commands," he said, shrugging unapologetically and taking a drag. "Sorry."

[Image 7]

“The coffee was overkill,” he said.

“Drugging me--was overkill,” Albert said, all teeth. Dej watched them intently, with the look of someone who wanted them at his throat. Psycho.

“No, it was funny,” Dej corrected.

“Maybe the coffee was funny.”

Dej cackled. “Then laugh, pretty boy, I might believe you.”

[thezodiacqueen11]

Chapter 1: Ariana

“I had the dream again, well the nightmare. Possibly the most traumatizing nightmare I’ve had in my 31 years of living. Aren’t I too old to be having nightmares about burning to death?” Ariana paused waiting for a response from her therapist. “I guess not.”

“I’m standing in the middle of this temple like building, surrounded by stones, or statues but I can’t make out what they are. They aren’t important anyways. The most important thing is that I’m on fire. On fire! But nothing else is on fire.”

Ariana paused to take a look at her therapist whom she had been seeing for a little over a year, Dr. Archibald. He was a bald, elderly, white man with this permanent smug look on his face. His gray mustache drooped over his small, pink lips, and he had sun damage spots all over his head. She couldn’t stand him but her sessions were court appointed since she was discharged from the military for excessive violence. He wasn’t the first therapist she had, but he had lasted longer than the others.

“What did it feel like?” Dr. Archibald asked.

Ariana rolled her eyes. Standard therapy question. She hated those.

“I felt powerful, which is weird and slightly uncomfortable. I’m on fire and I don’t feel like I’m burning. I feel like I’m alive.” Ariana paused, the hair on her arms raised in response to the adrenaline rushing through her veins.

“Do I sound psychotic or what doc?” She asked, with a nervous chuckle.

“You don’t sound psychotic Ariana. I do want to touch on the fire though. Do you feel like this reoccurring dream is a part of the reason you chose to become a firefighter after your discharge from the military?”

She knew he already knew the answer to this question, and she also knew that he was bringing it up to challenge her, and trigger her. The last conversation they had about it, ended in her sobbing uncontrollably and telling him she would never be back to see him again. But of course that was all for naught, her therapy was, again, court appointed. “I’ve always wanted to be a firefighter doc, ever since I was a little girl. But you already know this, so why don’t we skip the fiddle faddle and you actually tell me what you want me to say.” Ariana relaxed deeper in to the uncomfortable Ikea sofa.

“I don’t want you to say anything you don’t think you need to say. You are here to find what triggers your anger. What causes you to react as explosively as you do? Why do you go head first in to “the fire” without a second thought for your own safety? These are the questions we are here to discover. You’ve been coming here for a year and every time we get back to this subject you shut down or redirect.”

Ariana closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The birth mark above her spine started to tingle. Her palms started to burn, almost unbearably. This conversation was triggering her. She could feel the sweat dripping down her neck, and the perspiration on her forehead. I have to get out of here, she thought.

“Come back to me Ari. You can’t keep running away from what scares you. You have to face these points in your life that are triggering you. Causing you to be reactive.”

Ariana sighed deeply.“Look doc, I think our time is up. And I’m not running away, I can’t do this right now.” She grabbed her backpack and ran out of the door before he could protest.

Ariana wasn’t able to catch her breath until she reached the parking lot. She buckled over, and threw up behind a random black sedan. She pulled her insulated water bottle out of her backpack and finished off the still ice-cold water.

Ari knew something was happening to her, she didn’t know what. It had been happening since she was a teenager. The dreams about her being on fire, her birth mark tingling, and her palms feeling hot. Dr. Archibald was not going to be able to help her out. He’d probably diagnose her with some outlandish psychological disorder, and she’d end up on medication, or worse committed. No, she couldn’t let that happen. She needed to control whatever this was long enough to finish therapy. She also needed to figure out what “this” was.

After taking some time to catch her breath, Ariana gathered herself and walked to her car. She pulled her cell phone out and dialed a number.

The phone rang twice before a voice answered “I knew you’d be calling me. I have an opening tonight at 11pm. You know where to come.” The line went dead.

At 10:55pm Ariana pulled in front of a white house, with green shutters that appeared to be dark. She got out, closed the door, locked her car and walked up the driveway. Any sane person would be afraid to be out this late without the lights on. Ariana knew better though, and she knew this area too well to be afraid. She kept walking up the driveway and continued to the back of the house where a small guest house sat.

She followed a lit stone path until she reached the door of the guest house and knocked lightly.

“Come in Ari.” A West Indian accent called out.

Ariana opened the door to the pleasant smell of incense and candles. The room was dimly lit, but she didn’t need light to know that everything still looked the same.

“Don’t be shy now. I know it’s been awhile since you’ve been here but don’t act brand-new.”

She took a deep breath and closed the door.

Nana Abdulah had been her psychic reader since she was in college. Nana knew everything about her, even the parts she had yet to discover about herself. Ari didn’t know how she did it, but she knew Nana was a powerful force. This was the first time she’d seen her in 3 years. Now something inside was telling her, she should’ve stayed away.

“Hi Nana.” Ari sat down in the chair across from her long time friend and confidant. A round table between them.

“I knew you’d be back Ari. I told you, didn’t I?” Nana smiled a big, crooked, smile.

“Yes you did. And since you knew I’d be back then you know why I’m here.” Ariana thought it best to get down to business. Her anxiety was already through the roof. But she knew better, Nana was in control now.

“Don’t rush this child. You’re always in a rush. Time works differently here so relax.” Nana closed her eyes and began to shuffle her oracle cards.

Ari sighed deeply. Her eyes darted around the room, landing on her favorite parts about this familiar place. The book case in the far left corner filled with books about African Spirituality, the Orishas, and astrology. Ari always found something new to read each time she came. Nana would lend her a book, and she’d have to finish it before her next appointment. She always did.

Waiting for Nana to finish her ritual, she couldn’t help but think about the last time she was here. She had attacked her commanding officer, and was dishonorably discharged. Ari couldn’t understand why her life was falling apart. Why had she reacted so irrationally to someone she was supposed to respect? She lost everything. Or at least that’s what it felt like at the time. She was stripped of her title and military benefits. She’d never felt so low in her life. There was something about self reflection that Ari didn’t like, didn’t stop her from doing it though.

Nana was waiting for her when she showed up unannounced after her career ending outburst. Full of anger, shaking and crying as if she had lost someone. She felt like she did, like she lost herself. Nana held her until she calmed down and then sat her down at the Reading Table. The cards had already been placed.

“Tell me child. Are you here to stop running away from your destiny?” Nana’s voice snapped Ari out of her memory.

“I have to know what’s happening to me.”

“But are you ready?” Nana eyed her intently.

Ari thought before she answered. “I am ready.”

Nana began to hum as she placed the oracle cards down on the table.

“Ari, what I am going to tell you, you will not understand right away. But you must listen and take heed to my words.” She paused. Ari could feel her body heating up again. Nana was making her nervous. More nervous than usual and that was a cause for concern.

“Power is with in you, child. A power that has been growing inside of you since you came in to this world. I know you know what I mean. The dream you’ve been having since you were a teenager. The one where you’re on fire. That is more than a dream, that is a prophecy. You are to inhabit the power of the flame. You are the "I AM", you are the leader of the Fire Quadrant of the Star Seeds and you will lead them to awaken The Zodiac Queen.”

[drsilverfish]

The Family Psychodrama of it all - Back and to the Future (15x01)

Have we talked about the reference to Back to the Future (1985) in the 15x01 title yet?

Marty McFly goes back in time and has an Oedipal crisis (of sorts). His mother temporarily thinks he’s hot, not of course realising he’s her son (Jocasta/ Oedipus). And he has to re-set the time-line, with the Doc’s help, by making sure his parents do meet and fall in love (which his time-travelling presence has disrupted).  

This reference also recalls for us (ouroboros style) 4x03 In The Beginning, when Cas sent Dean back into the past and he met his (hot) young mom, Mary, and his (hot) young father John. Yes, Dean was bi for his young parents - he just, in SPN’s habitual subtextual register, didn’t say the Dad part out loud. 

Unable to alter their fates (although he did ensure John and Baby teamed up) Dean was witness to the horrific Oedipal scene of Mary making a demon-deal with Azaezel whilst he was inhabiting her father Samuel -  sealed with a kiss.

Family psychodrama indeed.

The other “back to the future-y” previous SPN episode is 5x13 The Song Remains the Same when, this time, Castiel transports both Sam and Dean into the past to meet their young parents, this time to protect them from Anna, who is on a misson to prevent Sam (the Lucifer vessel) from ever being born. 

I’m betting there will be a lot of S5 recalls in S15, because S14, in lovely ouroboros style, recalled so many S4 episodes. And it’s fitting isn’t it? Because Swan Song was going to be the “original” end for SPN. That’s also why I think some form of re-staging of Michael vs Lucifer (very possibly inhabiting Sam and Dean) is likely.

In The Song Remains the Same, Cas has joined Team Free Will, and so it is Michael (inhabiting John) who now tells Dean that the Winchesters cannot avoid their angel-ordained fates as the Michael and Lucifer vessels.  This is also significant on a psychological, as well as a mythic, level, because it is a John Winchester figure implying Dean cannot escape the “fate” of his father’s shadow, his father’s misson, or the profound (and damaging) impact John has had on him. 

The reference in the title of 15x01 Back and to the Future, thus sets out two key themes of the SPN ouroboros narrative for S15, which (in appropriate ouroboros style) have, of course, always been key themes in SPN:

1) Fate vs Free Will

In 4x03, Cas was still obedient to Heaven, and he was supposed to be showing Dean that his fate, his role in the angels’ plans, could not be avoided. In 5x13 Michael made the same argument. The House always wins - fate is fate is fate.  

Now, in S15, Team Free Will are reeling from the revelation that Chuck wasn’t just a deadbeat absent father, but a cruel God who actively toyed with their lives all along, so they were never (at least, that’s how it feels to them right now) truly, possessed of free will. 

This theme is underscored by Sam’s prematurely hopeful speech at the end of 15x01 about how Chuck has left the building (spoiler: he hasn’t) and so, if they can win this apocalypse, they can truly be free (spoiler: yes, I believe they will be free in the very end).  

2) Family Psychodrama

SPN has always been about the psychodrama of the traumatised family - the impact on the Winchester kids of Mary’s horrific inciting incident death on the ceiling in 1x01 and the subsequent impact of John’s revenge-obsessed, neglectful, repressive, hunter “parenting”. 

15x01 deliberately re-shows us traces of the co-dependent Parent!Dean/ Child!Sam relationship this trauma foisted on the boys as kids, in the scene when Dean dresses Sam’s God-gun wound whilst recalling how he’d take care of Sam as a kid:

Dean: How bad does it hurt?

Sam: A little, not much.

Dean: Okay. Hey, do you remember when we were little? What I would do to distract you whenever I'd rip off a Band-Aid or something like that?

Sam: Yeah. You'd tell some stupid joke.

(Thanks to Superwiki for the transcript:

http://supernaturalwiki.com/15.01_Back_and_to_the_Future_(transcript) )

So, that tells us that, in a final turn of the spiral, the very deepest roots of the Winchester family psychodrama will rise from the realms of repression, for which the ghost-zombies rising from Hell are, to perfection, a giant metaphor.

Only by finally and fully confronting the internal psychic ghosts of the past, will the Winchesters find peace when they are done.  

To conclude - Dabb really did a wonderful job with his Back to the Future references, and I am so nervous-excited to watch the rest of the season unfold.

[clocks-are-round]

hahaha totally didn’t forget to post this hahaha nope ^^;

—

y’all really so gosh darned creative and awesome that I am also making a self-indulgent fantasy au.

Inspiration taken from posts by @starstrike, @creatrixanimi, and discussions with @sharkface-daydreams. Z and I have agreed we’re fine with sharing ideas we both like so there will be some overlap of character traits and potential plot points in our universes.

What I have so far (may be subject to change)

Donut and the Kalirama construct are my favorite ideas so far

main crew

Caboose: Physically the strongest of the reds and blues though not very proficient in battle. Still, he has managed to knock Church out of bodies multiple times. The fragment Omega helps him to unlock his inner rage, allowing him to let loose in a way one might call barbaric (where my d&d nerds at). He later finds an old colossal construct he names Freckles.

“Church” (Alpha): A clone of Archmage Church’s soul, thoroughly traumatized, missing pieces, and placed within a glamoured construct Jimmy. He believes himself to be a ghost after “dying”, and he’s right. He is unable to move on to the next life due to a spell keeping him tethered even without a body. He is finally able to move on when the protection spell is broken, sacrificing himself to free the fragments and Maine from the Meta.

“Church” (Epsilon): A fragment from Alpha’s soul. Stored in a large crystal after trying to unalive self in Washington’s brain. Later placed into a construct and becomes part of the team, going by “Church”.

Doc: An elven mage with an iffy relationship with his magic. Sure he could blast wind at someone— enough to knock the average person off their feet— but even that was more violent than he was comfortable with. After failing to learn healing spells because they always became life-drain spells by accident, Doc turned to alchemy. Though he has yet to make a successful healing potion, he keeps trying! When Omega takes the reins, he uses Doc’s magic offensively though Doc continues swearing by pacifism. Though the wind jokes at his expense definitely make him consider lashing out.

Donut: A werewolf with pyromancy. Known for throwing fireballs at enemies. Will shout “eat my balls!” and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him from also dealing psychic damage to everyone around him. Later he temporarily becomes a warlock of the time god Chrovos.

Lopez: A construct built by Sarge. Though he didn’t initially have a fancy glamour like Tex and Church— and was stuck as just a head for a while— he is now able to pass as human. From a distance. Until he moves. Or speaks. Not because of a glamour but because more humanoid features were crafted onto his body. Donut got very detailed. Lopez had no need for sculpted buttcheeks and yet-

Sarge: A fighter with skill as an artificer.

Tex: Sir Tex, the strongest freelancer. Though officially her title is Dame Tex, she’s fine with either title and doesn’t correct people. Especially since she typically disguised her voice to sound male in public. Not a difficult feat as even her “regular” voice is magically projected. She is also in a glamoured construct as she is a fragment herself. She is a strong fighter with a distaste for using magic unless necessary. To her, magic is too often destructive and controlling.

Tucker: A human who joined the army expecting it would make him more appealing to woman. Over time he became the most proficient fighter of the team— excluding the freelancers. He wields a magical artifact as a sword.

Carolina: A monk who later multiclasses into bard and the way her enemies crumple in agony when she sings is her new favorite thing.

others

Cronut: A werefox with ecomancy (may change to just flashy parlor tricks, undecided)

York: A rogue skilled at picking locks and removing enchantments— supposedly.

——

some things that happen:

-Archmage Church, an esteemed wizard, has been trying to find a way to bring back his wife who has passed and moved on to the afterlife. His orders to bolster the kingdom’s army as the long war continues have not put his personal task on hold. He requested a personal squadron to give magical enhancements to— as well as magical beings he calls “fragments”. The origin of these fragments is a well-guarded secret. The kingdom reluctantly also allowed him the buffoons of the army for his personal use in his experiments, placing them in canyons in the outskirts of the kingdom, far from the real war.

-Loco, a warlock-artificer with an unknown patron (it’s Chrovos), designs a massive construct and summons goddess of death Kalirama to inhabit it, fulfilling his task to create a destructive weapon, but also helping his new friend Caboose. With the goddess away from her domain, Caboose has an opportunity to see Church one last time.