#he WASN'T LIKE THAT!! HOW DOES SOMEONE BREAK THAT BAD(she got murdered)

[yuseirra]

I'm really sorry, I should shut up about this subject because I say too much over and over but, I end up thinking a lot about it because it's left unclear. If things weren't as confusing, I'd just have happily set down to draw fanarts as I usually do, I never knew I could do this about a character. I really, really didn't think I'd have to dissect a character like this as much ever (I really want to show my analysis to aka-san and ask him, am I wrong??;; am I taking things the way you thought or is this all just in my head?) I guess you learn something new about yourself every year! At least..hm, I saw the really good sides in someone's nature. So, I feel like it can be a good thing.

I'm so dumb... I feel like I never get tired but maybe I will if the story does fail me heheh. I feel I've been able to write these because I feel there's still hope.

Like I say, I feel like I know the ultimate direction of where all this may head. I just can't predict all the details in between so that's what makes me so nervous. That's all.

Well, I jotted down my thoughts again-

This one's machine-translated!:

Analyzing Kamiki's Character (I Keep Analyzing His Mind) - This character really couldn't have gone mad like this on his own. Seriously. What is this guy even doing?

This character is truly a subject of study. It’s so fascinating that I keep watching him.

His role is somewhat crucial(since he's the main target of the protagonist's revenge, right?), yet the perspective on him remains strangely obscure. When it comes to understanding a character's personality, their own thoughts or monologues are crucial, but even those are scarce here. There’s one shocking line that makes him seem truly insane and out of his mind, and… most of his thoughts center around Ai. I believe his feelings for Ai are sincere, but since he hasn’t been properly portrayed in the anime, the author has twisted things a bit. I feel like the creators intentionally left out certain information to maintain suspense during the anime airs—if everything about a character is revealed before their appearance, it ruins the intrigue. He was presented almost like a complete villain at first, didn't he? That whole scene with Yura I mean. So, at least while the show was airing, they seemed to have controlled things so that nothing new would be revealed and to build anticipation.

The storytelling is so unfriendly. Based on what’s been shown, it's hard to tell if this character is just a psychopath beyond redemption who hired someone to kill Ai, and somehow still can't forgive anyone who surpasses Ai, and turns into a serial killer—so much of a threat that Aqua's determination to kill him makes sense—or if he’s someone Ai loved enough to risk everything to protecti, that she found was truly worth loving, born with a kind and gentle nature that got twisted due to some external influence, making him another victim of the entertainment industry's darkness who deserves eventual redemption.

It's difficult to say for sure, but if I had to choose, my interpretations on him would lean toward the latter. I've been looking at him with that kind of light.

What confuses me is how the story reveals so little about this character. Why don’t they show more?

If they would just reveal more, I could understand him properly. It's like… even when he’s drowning to his demise, there’s nothing clear to grasp onto.

He’s a truly puzzling character.

Regardless of how you interpret him, the storytelling leaves a lot of unresolved tension. Up until a certain point, the story leads you to think of him as the former—just a villain—only for it to suddenly reveal moments where you think, “Wait, Ai really loved this guy sincerely? He actually loved her too?”—and you start to question your assumptions.

Considering the overall message of the story, the latter interpretation seems to make more sense direction-wise.

What strikes me as strange is that after this, I tried to gather all the scattered pieces of information about this character and put them together to form a clearer picture. For me, having that foundation is necessary before I can talk about him or even draw something.

And the conclusion I reached is this:

"This character was truly, inherently, a very, very good person, and Ai made a great choice with him as a partner."

I didn’t expect to reach this conclusion, so I was surprised at first, but I went with it, even while feeling a bit uneasy, and I ended up drawing a lot based on that. It was fun. At least, back in his younger days and when he was with Ai, it seems he had that personality. For Ai’s sake, that’s a relief. But by all means, if Ai fell in love with someone who turned out to be this kind of lunatic, what meaningful story can be told from that? I think it’d be more harm than good.

He truly was a kind person… and if that’s true, it could also make for a compelling story, one that shows how the darkness of the entertainment industry drove such a person to madness. But will they explore that properly?

I’m convinced. A person this kind and gentle couldn’t possibly go mad like this on their own.

It could be that he was so excessively pure and naive when he was young that he could be easily influenced.

That's why I think something must have driven him mad. And if that's the case, they should delve into that.

Under normal circumstances, it’s impossible for him to change this much. It’s difficult to speak confidently about a fictional character, especially when there’s so little revealed about them, but this is the only explanation that makes sense to me. He wasn’t just ordinarily kind. He was… truly saintly.

That’s the impression I got, so I’ve been drawing him with that interpretation, and it turned out to be right, didn’t it? He was like that originally.

Then he would never end up like this. Not typically.

So as I watch, it’s all so fascinating, puzzling, and strange. How did it come to this? Honestly, they should show us more. I want to analyze his mind, but there are so few clear pieces that I’m itching to dissect it.

I’m curious how someone so kind could change like this. It feels like something must have artificially altered his personality—something major must have happened. It doesn’t feel natural.

I’m curious, even if it’s just to understand it better.

The reason he's so hard to understand isn't really anything else—it's just that they keep hiding and not showing us anything. It’s hard to know because it’s hidden, but if they would just reveal it, I think I could understand him right away.

And I’m… sure that this is the kind of character I enjoy dealing with. I really love thinking about and drawing characters like this, so even though I only have a vague outline, I took the plunge with some courage.

But looking at his current situation, I find it hard to be hopeful, haha.

But you know what? Like I keep saying, if he’s someone Ai cherished and fell in love with that deeply, then he must be the gentlest person in the world.

If he’s like a manifestation of Sarutahiko, then he’s a good fit. I’d make him Ai’s husband if I were the author.

If he’s just a crazy person, there’s no point, right?

And like I said before, if he was genuinely in love with Ai, he would have done anything for her—given up his liver, his gallbladder, even his heart if he could. He would have loved her that much.

In fact, that’s exactly what Kamiki is doing now too. He’s just completely corrupted and has lost his mind.

:) I’m probably right. Ai really did meet the one person who could love her more than anyone else in the world.

Enough to throw everything away, even his noble heart and sanity.

But if he killed a lot of people after that, then… that’s still pretty messed up. If that’s the case, then what’s the point of this story? How can you save a guy like that?

So I hope they reveal more about him. What happened to him… if he can be redeemed (based on the story elements, he should be redeemed).

[erose-this-name]

Can we just talk about how disturbing digital circus episode 3 is?

*spoilers btw*

Like, the whole narrative point of the adventure is to show that Caine is a really bad and insecure writer who thinks that the way to impress Zooble is with an adventure that's the opposite of what he normally does.

So instead of being childish, it's "cool" and "mature". Which he interprets as a heavily horror themed escape room with a split murder mystery plot that subverts all your expectations purely for the sake of subverting them.

The generic horror monster jump scares them, then they find a gun, and when they kill it its revealed that surprise! it's one of Gods angels and they're going to Hell.

It comes off as Caine being too insecure with the actually interesting and mature plot thread he had going there of Mildenhall becoming so paranoid he killed his wife, ironically becoming the monster he was trying to protect her from. But no, instead Mr. Mildenhall is made to be the bad guy and trick them in a really dumb twist ending.

Which is good! Thats exactly what Caine would do because he's stupid! It's such brilliant characterization and comedy, Goose works is a genius writer!

But like, why is Caine so good at making genuinely very disturbing and horrific visuals? Like, that reversed audio easter egg of Bubble saying he can't wait for all the children in the audience get nightmares is no joke, well it is but you know what I mean. This stuff was genuine nightmare fuel.

Honestly, it wasn't the visuals that scared me, like any good queer person I'm way too jaded on survival horror for that.

But, why does Caine, who is ostensibly a sapient AI designed to generate family friendly video games for very little children, (presumably because that's the only demographic that wouldn't mind the AIs very selective plot writing limitations), know about the cosmic horror of killing an angel that should not have been killed?

Why does he know what a horrificly poorly made taxidermy of not only a human face would look like, but the weird cartoon faces of the characters, and further that seeing your own poorly made taxidermy face would be scary?

Imaging what being possessed felt like for Pomni. Because that's not just a game for her, she actually lost control of her body there, helpless but to watch as a body she is already dissociated with is contorted and puppeted around while her friend desperately tries to beat her in hopes it would exorcise the ghosts out. Sure hope she didn't feel that! Considering she apparently can feel the pain of suffocating, despite not needing to breath.

Things are scarier the higher the stakes are, and that possession mechanic is definitely the most actual harm Caine would be able to subject to his players. What if both Kinger and Pomni got possessed at the same time? What if instead of Kinger she only had Jax??? How long might she have been locked out from her own body for? She could have easily abstracted in that time.

Not to mention that, possessed Pomni, Possessedmni if you will, TAUNTED KINGER ABOUT HIS ABSTRACTED WIFE! CAINE ACTUALLY WROTE THAT DIALOGUE ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT KINGER WOULD GO DOWN THE SCARY ROUTE! DID THIS RANDOM POSSESSION GHOST ENEMY HAVE UNUSED SADISTICALLY PERSONAL TAUNTS FOR EVERYONE ELSE, TOO??? WOULD IT HAVE TEASED GANGLE FOR BEING A GAY WEEB??? OR POMNI? HOW HOMOPHOBIC COULD IT HABE GOTTEN?? ?

And why? Just because Caine has a vague notion that there's a trope of possessed people being really sadistic and personal like that in movies? Not realizing that is not an acceptable scare to have in a haunted house??? Much less one you made for mentally ill people who would suffer a fate worse than death if they have a mental break down? That's like trying to claim 'its just a prank bro' after shooting someone's dog.

Like, Caine is designed to censor curse words, but the moment he thinks the normal hokey Halloween spooks won't be enough he immediately goes off the deepend into aggressively effective horror imagery that is definitely giving this show's substantial underage audience nightmares??

His AI's training data set is definitely pretty diverse, that's all I'm saying. Caine is programmed to act all naive and innocent, but be definitely knows what's up. He knows everything, like ChatGPT. And like ChatGPT, he might have a filter, but it's clearly possible to bypass it. Also like ChatGPT, he's too stupid to actually understand what he is making and the effects it might have.

That is what made this episode great.

[fractualized]

A while ago I got under someone's skin for referencing Joker's surprising delayed reaction to killing Jason Todd, and since then I've been thinking it's worth digging into as an interesting element of Joker's characterization.

Of course, first thing's first: Jason's murder in Batman (1940) #427, as originally presented in 1988.

Jason has just reconnected with his biological mother, Sheila Haywood, at a famine relief camp in Ethiopia— and he's discovered that Joker is blackmailing her with information about her criminal past. She gets him truckloads of medical supplies to sell on the black market, and Joker restocks the trucks with toxin. While Bruce races to stop a tampered truck, Jason decides to help his mother on his own. When he discloses he's Robin, however, Sheila betrays him to Joker, not only to stay on Joker's good side but because she's actually been embezzling money from the organization she works for this whole time. She's afraid an investigation prompted by Batman and Robin's appearance would expose this fact.

So Sheila stands by as Jason is felled by Joker and his goons, and then the crowbarring starts.

It's bad! When we return later, Jason is presumably dead.

While Joker isn't shocked that he's murdered a child, he does have an unexpected reaction to Sheila's point. He hadn't really been thinking about what he was doing, implying that he hadn't intended to kill Jason. He just got carried away, whoopsie! He didn't do this to get at Batman; he wasn't thinking about Batman at all. Now, however, he's concerned about how Batman will react.

Joker thinks Jason is already dead. The purpose of the bomb is to get rid of the evidence of his involvement, including Sheila. Joker is not broken up about what he did, but he does have a sense that he's gone a step too far and he doesn't want Batman to know about it. At least for now!

In the end, while Jason wakes and he and his mother try to save each other, they're trapped in the warehouse when the bomb goes off. Bruce makes it back only in time to find a dying Sheila, who tells him it was Joker. When Bruce finds Jason, Jason gets no last words. He's already dead, and Bruce is devastated.

A clue from Joker leads Bruce to the United Nations in New York, and there, infamously, Bruce learns that Joker has been made the ambassador from Iran. Joker is now protected from prosecution, and Batman going after him risks an international incident. Bruce still very much wants to, but Superman stops him.

Well, mostly Superman. I recommend reading Batman #429 to see Bruce's full thought process on this. He is furious and constantly thinking about finally ending Joker— but he also questions his mental state. He still wonders if he can hold Joker responsible if he believes Joker is insane. He uses phrases like "what happened to Jason" like it was a natural disaster, not murder. He even confronts Joker to give him one last chance to turn himself in to Arkham Asylum. Bruce is in a kind of denial, still grabbing at how things usually go.

But back to Joker. Evidently, he's no longer worried that Batman will find out he killed Robin. Joker admits to it immediately.

I assume Joker realized there was no point in denying it. Is Batman going to think it's a coincidence that Robin got blown up when Joker was around? Though Bruce does say it's Joker's taunts that 100% confirm for him that the clown was responsible, pointing again to Bruce still grasping for reasons to not break his rule in his grief.

By the end of the issue, Joker has naturally tried to kill the entire United Nations assembly, which instantly made him free game. So Bruce pursues him to a helicopter, and an in-air scuffle ensues in which Bruce explicitly prevents Joker from being killed by friendly fire, evidently so he can decide how Joker will die. Bruce jumps out of the helicopter, abandoning Joker to a fiery crash. However, despite Bruce's (supposed) intentions, Joker's body is nowhere to be found. The clown lives!

So that's it, right? Joker felt some unease about killing Jason initially, but in a short time, he was happy to gloat about it to Batman's face.

But when Joker reappears in Batman #450, in 1990, he is not triumphant. He's holed up in a dilapidated building, where he learns someone is impersonating him.

How often do we see Joker upset by murders? When the story returns to him, we learn more about his mental state.

With all of Joker's cackling glee at the things he's done, coming close to actual death in the helicopter crash has jarred him— and not just the crash, but the murder that led to it. He recoils from the memory of what he did to Jason. It's why he can't see the joke anymore. It's set apart from his previous crimes. It's too far.

Which is not at all to say that Joker is completely broken up about Jason. By the end of #450, he rallies and sets out to go after his copycat and restore his reputation to his liking.

In Batman #451, though, Joker is still plagued by doubts along the way.

Even when he overcomes those doubts, claiming the mantle as the one and only Joker when his copycat dies by falling into acid, Joker challenges Gordon to finally kill him. It's reminiscent of The Killing Joke, the first time Joker went too far. But like TKJ, Gordon and Batman decide to get Joker back to Arkham against their more vengeful instincts.

Joker's also decided Arkham is just what he needs. Outside, he's plagued by the reality of what he's done; in Arkham, he can settle back into his insanity and stop caring about it again.

So after that, Joker has no second thoughts about killing Jason, right? After all, he largely references the murder in callous terms. In-universe this makes sense as Joker revising history in his own head, particularly as more stories portray his effort to be more monster than man. Monsters don't have qualms about murder! But this is comics, so we can also presume that not all Joker writers know or remember #450/451, which I think is a shame. I find stories in which Joker expresses even just a degree of vulnerability to be more interesting than those where he's just mwahaha evil.

I have seen a few other bat stories bring some nuance into Joker's perception of Jason's death, though.

First up is the particularly nuanced "Fool's Errand" in Detective Comics (1937) #726, published in 1998. Bruce visits Joker in Arkham to get information on how to find a kidnapped girl who's running out of time. It just so happens Joker arranged this kidnapping for a particular day.

I strongly recommend this issue for batjokes fans, as it revolves around Joker talking the case through with Batman in his cell to help him figure out more clues to a crime Joker himself planned. Even with Bruce beating Joker up, the conversational tone feels almost friendly. They're just doing their usual thing.

Well, sort of. Bruce has already said he's not in the mood, and he interrupts their conversation to say so again.

Joker could insist that Batman stay and keep playing the game, and needle him for being unwilling to merely talk to Joker to rescue this child. Instead, Joker gives up her location.

And Bruce does come back as predicted.

So that was Joker's nefarious plan. He wanted to restore some hope to Bruce's cynical soul to be sure that his future failures would hurt even more. But it sure seems the middle didn't go the way Joker expected, when he recognized Batman just wasn't going to play the game as usual.

Joker doesn't jump into taunting. He doesn't answer Bruce at first. He's withdrawn and reflective. He's got something else on his mind on this anniversary of the second Robin's death, and he knows that Bruce does, too. Perhaps not forcing Batman to play was a small gesture, acknowledging the difficulty of the day, remembering how things changed. And what does that gesture cost Joker when he still gets the outcome he wants?

Second example is actually also called "Fool's Errand," this one from Robin (1993) #85, published in 2001. This is a fun one in which Joker discusses his interactions and frustrations with the Robins.

But while Joker indicates more than once that he wants to fight Batsy alone, after he talks about killing Jason, this is the next page:

Joker does not then say he was relieved when another Robin showed up, but still. He's acknowledged again that when he murdered Jason, things were not right. As angry as the birdies make him, they're a key component in the game.

Then we come back to "Once More, With Feeling!" in Harley Quinn (2000) #25, from 2002. Harley's been playing double-agent against Batman with Joker, and she and Joker have this exchange.

Joker typically makes light of murdering Robin, but it seems that when he's with just about his only confidante, he lets other feelings about it burst out.

There's also a flashback to DitF in Batman: Gotham Knights #44 in 2003. We get an exchange between Bruce and Joker before Bruce jumps out of the helicopter.

Joker laughs as the helicopter dives, ready to die, but before that, he seems resigned. He doesn't throw in a real dig about murdering Jason, and he doesn't gloat that he's finally gotten Batman to kill him. He acknowledges he crossed a line.

Lastly, there's a 2006 exchange between, well, Joker and Jason himself in "All They Do is Watch Us Kill, Part 2" as part of Under the Red Hood in Batman (1940) #649. Jason has kidnapped Joker as batbait, and when Joker needles him, Jason needles him back.

Joker regularly extolls his own crimes, but suddenly one of his victims mockingly accuses him of putting up a front, of not being as coldhearted and untouchable as he wants to seem. Maybe Joker does doubt what he's doing and retreats under the cover of madness so he doesn't have to think about it— just as he did in Batman #451.

I'm not sure if there are other examples of Joker expressing anything but mocking glee about Jason's death. I do know of times he's shown a sort of fondness for Jason (such as in The Man Who Stopped Laughing #4, Gotham War: Red Hood #2, Suicide Squad: Get Joker #3), but that's not really the same thing. Joker could've seen Red Hood as his and Batman's Frankenstein child without feeling any squeamishness about killing him in the first place.

But if anyone knows of any other moments where Joker does not act like killing Jason is absolutely his most favorite thing he ever did, do share!

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

Chapter 4: You Want to Live Where?

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV

Summary:  When you decided to work with Butcher and his merry band of supe hunters to take down Homelander, you neve expected to be saddled with a sullen, grumpy, jerk like Soldier Boy when the job was done. The more you're around him the more you hate him, but you can't help but wonder, is he really as big a jerk as you think? Reader is a supe with plant powers. This takes place in an AU about a month after the end of The Boys Season 3, in which Butcher has let Soldier Boy continue to work with him on his team.  (I'm real bad at summaries, please forgive me!)

Tropes: Enemies to Lovers (Not in this chapter), Slow Burn, Age Difference (Reader is in her 20s), Protective Ben/ Soldier Boy.

Word Count: 7.6K

Warnings: I'm going to label this 18+ because Soldier Boy (he's a warning and everyone knows it), swearing, mentions of sex, sexual innuendo, sexual tension. Ben/Soldier Boy might be a little bit OOC.

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal monologue is in italics and is in first person.

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

You lay down the $2.50 map of NYC that you bought at the bodega next door to Butcher's apartment building on the giant threadbare wooden table that serves as the group dining room table.  Everyone was still in Jersey, for what reason you didn't know, but it meant that the apartment was silent.

Aka. Ben wasn't here to drive you to murder.

After Annie and you had said goodbye, she went back to Vought Tower because Ashley had called and complained about something that you couldn't hear over the sounds of the city outside the coffee shop. You were hoping that she'd text you later to dish about Ashley's probably insane request. While you kept your promise to Butcher about plotting out where the carjackings were happening and noting the auto shops nearby.

He had left you the complete lists of where the cars were stolen, what time, and how many. It was your job to mark them on the map and see if any of them were like the others. He was getting frustrated with how little the team could find on the electric wielding supe who was jacking cars, and you wanted to help out as much as you could. In a few days you were going to go to the auto shops in the same area to see if anyone heard anything about him.

Best case scenario someone would give you a lead, worst case scenario you were back to square one.

You lean down over the table, making the first mark on the map where the initial carjacking took place. It was at the top of the map which meant that you were practically laying on top of the table to reach.

The door to the apartment behind you opened but you didn’t think about it, too absorbed in making the correct tick mark.

"Don't stop on my account Doll." You hear Ben's low rumble break through the silence of the apartment.

You fight the urge to audibly groan when you realize that he's back from Jersey and here to make your life a living hell.

You stand up and turn around to face him. He’s wearing his Soldier Boy suit, standing  inside the front door and looking just as handsome as he always does, as much as you hate to admit that. He's got some soot smeared just under his left eye, and the left sleeve of his suit is singed, but other than that he looks okay.

“I thought you wouldn’t be back for at least another hour-“ You begin to say, but Ben interrupts.

“I missed you Petals.” He smirks wider, setting his shield down against the base of the kitchen counter. “You and that perfect ass of yours.”

“Where is everyone else?”

“Fuck if I know. After I bagged the supe I didn’t ask questions.” He shrugs moving into the kitchen to pour himself a drink.

You roll your eyes and turn back to the map laying on the table, making another tick with the red marker in your hand where a car was stolen, but avoid bending over the table. “So which supe did you go after? The electric guy?”

“No this girl had fire shit coming out of her hands.”

"Oh guess you've got a new girlfriend, huh Gramps? Though I will say you definitely have a type. First Countess and now-"

"Jealous?" Ben responds from right next to you.

You weren’t expecting him to be so close, so close in fact that you could practically feel the heat of his skin through the air between the two of you from where he leans over the table looking at the map. It immediately reminds you of this morning when he pinned you to the counter, how his body felt pressed against yours, and how his gaze seemed to hold you in place. His eyes really were beautiful, more green than you'd ever seen anyone have, but you were biased because your favorite color was green for obvious reasons.

“You’re doing it again Sweetheart.” Ben smirks, his eyes shifting to where you pretend to study the map with a newfound fascination.

Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't look at him.

"Doing what?" You ask making another tick on the map as you go down the list Butcher made last night when you were researching.

"Thinking about fucking me." Ben says.

"No I'm not." You reply tapping the map with your red pen.

"You're a terrible liar doll. It's what I love about you." He laughs, but then takes a sip from his glass. "Um." Ben pauses. "How was your day?" Ben says it slowly, awkwardly, like it's difficult for him.

"What?" You turn to look at him, surprised.

"How was your day?" He repeats. Ben's green eyes are shining in the soft light coming from the lamps lit around the apartment, his dark hair softly curling around the back of his ears. Again you're struck by how normal he looks. Because despite wearing his supe suit, Ben looks relaxed, calm, sipping from the amber liquid in the glass like he belongs here and not forty years ago.

"Why are you asking me that?"

You were confused. Ben had never asked you about your day never seemed to care about how you were. You remember earlier when Ben asked if you would be at the apartment later, like he genuinely wanted to know what you were doing.

This is weird.

Ben shrugs.

"It was okay." You say slowly, narrowing your eyes in suspicion. "I fixed a shipment of African Violets-"

"African what?"

"African Violets." You answer. "It's a flowering plant, has fuzzy leaves. We always sell out of them. I have some in the windows at my apartment."

"The purple ones?" Ben interrupts.

He noticed that?

"Yeah." You blink in surprise. "And I got coffee with Annie."

Where she mocked me endlessly for kissing you and liking it.

"Did Hughie go with you two? Kinda seems like he doesn't do much without her say so." Ben laughs at his own joke, the ice in his glass clinking against the sides as he tilts it back to catch the last few drops. "Poor bastard's pussy whipped."

You can't help, but snort. You knew how Annie seemed to have a bit of a hold on Hughie, but where Ben saw Hughie as being "pussy whipped" you saw Hughie as being in love with Annie and willing to do things for her.

"No he didn't come with us and I think that he'd disagree and say that he loves Annie. When you were with Countess didn't you guys do anything together?"

"We did lots of things together." Ben's eyes darken slightly. "Things I wouldn't mind showing you."

You shake your head at him and nudge his shoulder. "Come on. You didn't go on dates or anything?"

You were probably crossing a border by asking Ben about Countess. You'd never asked him about her before, had heard about how the relationship exploded, LITERALLY.

Not to mention she was probably the closest to love that Ben had ever come. Maybe you were just curious, curious if Ben had actually cared about her, if he'd actually had feelings or if it had been a lie.

Ben hesitates for a second. "Why do you care?"

"Just making conversation." You look back down at the map noting the streets that run within the circle of carjackings.

It can't be a coincidence given how many auto shops there are within this circle. Someone has to know what’s been going on.

He hesitates and you wonder if that’s because it’s painful to talk about her or painful for him to open up. "Once or twice." Ben says finally. "We didn't really do that."

"Oh."

"We went to premieres and fucked a lot." Ben doesn't seem that disappointed by it, as if he thinks that is what a healthy relationship should be.

Didn't need to know that. What else did I expect? He said that he wasn't into emotions earlier today of course he doesn't care about that. He's so confusing. He told Hughie that he loved her and that he wanted to have kids with her, how is that born from going to premieres and fucking? Kinda feels like you'd need to spend more time together and have deeper conversations for that to happen right? You know what? I'm not gonna judge his relationship, maybe they had a great connection or whatever.

You think about your only serious relationship which was 7 months with your high school boyfriend Newton. You thought that you loved him, and then he broke your heart. But Newton and you had done more than go on one or two dates, it had been a relationship, you had depended on him, told him things about yourself that you didn't tell anyone else.

"How about you?" Ben's fingers trace one of the roads along the map.

"How about me what?" You put another 'x' over another place where there was another carjacking.

"Have you ever been in a relationship or have you just been waiting around for Jake to fuck you?"

"I don't want him to fuck me-"

"Sorry. You want him to make love to you." Ben says make love like it's a curse word.

"You're not making me want to share anything about my life with you."

"Come on Petals, I shared my deepest darkest secrets with you." He nudges you with his elbow.

"I wouldn’t say that you telling me that you and Countess fucked and went to a premiere together is your 'deepest darkest secrets.'" You make air quotes with your free hand. "But, I’ve only had one serious relationship and it was in high school."

"And?" Ben presses

"It was 7 months lasted just until he went to college. What else do you want me to tell you?"

"Why did it end?" Ben pours himself a new glass of whiskey.

"Why does that matter?"

"Come on doll."

"I-" You bite the inside of your cheek in contemplation. I can't believe I'm about to say this. "He wasn't a supe and when I finally told him that I was a supe he didn't react appropriately and I locked him in a tree." You make another tick on the map.

"You locked the fucker in a tree?" Ben snorts into his glass.

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Because he asked me if I could shapeshift and made a few comments about my body." You say it quietly more to the map than to Ben.

Ben's hand gently comes under your chin turning your face towards him. He looks pissed, his green eyes dark as he gazes down at you. "What did he say about your body?" Ben's voice is more of a growl than anything else.

His touch was gentle, almost caring, and he’d never tried to do that before.

"Nothing worth repeating-"

"Tell me." Ben breathes. "Please."

"Just that I could lose a few pounds and make myself a little more busty."

Ben doesn’t move. His jaw clenches tightly, muscles tensed, eyes hardening. “He said that to you?”

You nod because you’re not sure what to say. Ben was acting different all over again.

“Fuck him. He’s wrong.” Ben says, voice tight. “He’s an insignificant asshole who didn’t understand how to speak to a woman and who deserved to be locked in a tree. Hell, if I had been there I would have beat him with a tree.”

“I’m not exactly sure you know how to speak to a woman either Ben.” You crack a smile remembering every time that Ben had made an inappropriate comment to you.

“Well I’d never call a woman fat. And he must have been blind because you have the most perfect body-“

“Shut up.”  You roll your eyes at him, but all he does is grin.

Ben stands there for a minute, still holding on to your chin, his skin burning through yours where the two of you are touching. Your eyes shift down to his lips for a millisecond thinking about how soft they were last night and Ben clocks the movement.

You wonder if he wants to kiss you as much as you want to kiss him. If he's remembering the kiss you shared with him last night, if it felt as good for him as it did for you, because it couldn't have been just you.

You hated seeing this side of Ben because it constantly gave you whiplash.

Was he a jerk or was he actually deeper than you thought and he locked it all underneath the macho bullshit?

You pull back, letting his hand fall from your chin to continue working on the map, but can’t fight the way you miss his touch against your skin.

An awkward silence follows and you keep looking at the list that Butcher gave you to avoid looking at Ben, going down the list with the marker checking them off. Because you knew if you looked at him again you would definitely try to kiss him and after what he just said to you, you really wanted to.

Deep down you wonder if that was him trying to connect with you, trying to not be such a jerk or if he was changing tactics to try and get you to sleep with him, just like when he remembered how much you liked ABBA.

There's no way that he actually pays that much attention to me, that he actually cares enough, right?

Finally you ask. "How was your day?" It comes out hesitant, as if you can't really form the words. Honestly it was weird to ask him something so mundane, without it being sarcastic. Saying anything was weird after the moment the two of you just shared.

"Better now that I got to see you doll." Ben catches your eye with a wide smirk, slipping into old habits.

Why do I even try to-

"It was okay." He follows up with a shrug. "Firey bitch got a few hits in."

You glance over at where his suit is singed over his left arm, and then raise your eyes to the soot smeared under his left eye, wondering if it actually burned his skin. "Are you okay?"

Sometimes it was easy to forget that he was almost indestructible. And after all the tapes that you'd seen of Ben being tortured in Russia, you did hate it when he got hurt. He didn’t deserve that, not after what he'd been through.

"I'm a little harder to roast alive, but I like that you worry about me." Ben leans further towards you, so close that his breath tickles the right side of your neck.

"I'm not worried about you." You turn to glare at him.

"You know when you lie you get this little scrunch right here." Ben's finger gently touches the space between your eyebrows making your face turn bright red. "It's cute."

"Don't touch me."

“I think you like it when I touch you.”

“No I don’t.”

I do.

“Then why does your heart start beating a little faster when I do?” Ben smirks as if he thinks he’s caught you.

“To pump all the hate faster through my body.”  You snap. You move around the table to the other side to get further away from him and his stupid perfect face. “And if you couldn’t tell I’m working on something and I’d like to be done with it soon so I can go home.”

“You sure you don’t want to take a break? I’ve got to take a shower. Might help you relax a bit.”

“I’m perfectly relaxed!” You snap back, crushing the writing utensil in your hand. 

Ben looks from the ruined red marker in your hand that drips ink down your skin and then back up at you. “Are you? Because that pen says otherwise.”

"Don’t you have anything else to do? Like get someone pregnant with Homelander 2.0?” You say, wiping the ink from the pen on an old rag that hangs from one of the chairs.

At the mention of his son, the expression on Ben's face turn murderous, and you can't help but feel a little guilty. It was a low blow. You hadn’t meant to bring him up, but Ben always had a way of getting under your skin worse than anyone else. Ben never talked about him or brought him up in conversation. You knew why. Ben might not have said it aloud, but you saw how he acted whenever his son was brought up in conversation, how he seemed just a little more tense than usual and almost a little more quiet.  You knew that he was hurt by what had happened even if he didn’t want to admit it.

You figured that finding out that he had a son that was made in a lab without his permission was enough of a slap in the face, not to mention the whole thing about Homelander being the replacement for him and being the reason why his team was "allowed" to stab him in the back and send him to Russia in the first place.

Fuck.

"I didn't mean that Ben. I'm sorry." You say touching his wrist before you can stop yourself. As much as you didn't get along with him, he didn't deserve to be reminded of something like that.

"Why the fuck should I care?" Ben yanks his wrist back from you, his tone harsher, no longer teasing. The humor is gone from his eyes and the guilt builds in your chest as you look up at him.

"Because I know that you're still a little upset about everything that happened with Vought and Homelander and-"

"Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" Ben spits moving around the table to tower over you.

It's the first time you'd ever seen him really mad at you, the only other time was when you met for the first time and he tried to rip you in half, but got a face full of tree branch instead, the night Homelander finally got put on ice.

"I'm not some fucking pussy that talks about their feelings or someone who gives a fuck about anyone else." He continues, eyes blazing. "I don't give a fuck about feelings or emotions or any of that shit. So do me a favor Sweetheart, don't put me on a fucking white horse, don't romanticize me, and don't turn me into something I'm not. Because the only thing that I want from any woman is to fuck them. Don’t forget it." Ben pushes past you to go to his room, slamming the door so hard the entire apartment shakes.

Well that went well.

By the time you finish the map and make a complete list of all the auto shops contained within the large circle you marked on the map when you connected where the car jackings were happening, everyone was back and Ben was gone.

He had left about thirty minutes after he yelled at you, didn't look in your direction once as he stomped out the door of the apartment wearing his signature leather jacket and dark t-shirt jeans combo.

You assumed he had a tinder date or he was just trying to get away from all the noise. Bagging the supe had definitely  boosted morale. Even Butcher seemed less moody than usual, the dark cloud that hung over him dissipating for a few hours while everyone laughed and ate greasy pizza.

But despite the happy atmosphere in the apartment, you couldn’t help but think of Ben. Yes he yelled at you, but you shouldn't have brought up Homelander. It wasn't your business and Ben might have tried to cover up what he was feeling with his usual angry, loud, and sexually forward advances, but you could see that he did have emotions, he just tried to hide them.

He just needs to drop the bullshit macho attitude.

You didn’t think that it was weak for a man to show his emotions, if anything you thought that it showed emotional maturity and it was nice to meet a man who was actually open about what he was feeling rather than keeping it locked away and repressed.

Sometimes you thought you could see the man that Ben was, when everything was quiet and it was the two of you, but then he'd make a pass at you or revert back into whatever the hell kind of person he was a few hours ago when he yelled at you for apologizing.

For APOLOGIZING of all things.

You walked back to your apartment quickly and quietly, taking note of the place that is overgrown with weeds where you had fought the muggers last night. The bodies were gone now and you wondered if they were at the hospital or in prison. The blood stains on the ground where Ben beat the man were still on the pavement, and again you thought whether or not the man was alive.

You doubted it.

When you round the corner and approach your apartment building you notice that someone is sitting on the front steps, but you don’t pay any attention to it, you just continue to walk forward.

“Hey Petals.” Ben leans back on the steps smoking a blunt. His hair is more tousled than usual as if someone has run their fingers through it and you assume that the reason why he left earlier is because he had a “date.”

You watch the way the thick darkened strands lay on his head, admiring how it looks in the light that comes from the street lights that line the sidewalk. You were trying not think about how it would feel to brush the strands back from his face, to twist your fingers in his hair.

No. Not thinking about that right now.

“What are you doing here Gramps?” You cross your arms over your chest and use his nickname to offset the annoyance you feel when he calls you 'Petals.'

“Well I left some clothes here this morning and thought I’d come up to get them.”

“I can just bring them to the apartment-“

“You could.” He interrupts, taking a hit from the joint. “But I didn’t want to put you out.”

“How chivalrous of you, but aren't you the guy who forced me to let him crash on my couch yesterday?”

“Well I could have slept in the bed with you, but you were so adamant about me ‘respecting your boundaries.’”

"Thanks." You force a smile. "Fine, you can come up for two minutes-"

"If you make it 10, I promise I'll make it worth your while." Ben's lips pull into a mischievous smirk around the blunt perched between his lips.

You roll your eyes and pass him as you go up the concrete steps, feeling his gaze on your ass the whole time.

When you finally get up to your apartment Bean greets you at the door, purring loudly and rubbing against your ankles. You stoop down to pet him, running your fingers through his thick gray fur.

“Hey buddy. You missed me huh?” Bean purrs louder and pushes his neck into your fingertips to signal you to keep scratching him.

Ben walks past you to the couch where his clothes are waiting but instead of picking them up, he sits down and grabs the tv remote before propping his feet up on your coffee table.

“What are you doing?” You look up at him.

“One of my old films is playing tonight. Thought you’d want to watch it.” The tip of the blunt burns bright red like a beacon in your apartment.

“No. The only thing I want is for you to leave.” 

Ben huffs out a cloud of smoke. “Look I know you like me-“

“I don’t.”

“You do.” He smiles. “So why can’t I stay here?”

“Because this is my apartment!”

“I can pay half the rent if you want me to.”

“It’s not about the money-“

“Then why?”

“Because this is my home! This is where I come to get away from people. This is where I come to decompress when you piss me off! And I don’t want you to live here because you’re a huge dick, stuffed full of macho shit, who keeps trying to sleep with me!” You shout, standing from the ground to plant your hands on your hips.

Ben only smiles as if you've complimented him. "Come on, was last night all that bad? I didn't bother you-"

"Because all we did was go to bed, if you stay here, that’s you 24/7. I need a place to get away from you." You emphasize again.

"Your bedroom isn't far enough away?"

"Nope."

"Come on Petals. I'm not so bad. At least I'm nice to look at." He smiles wider.

"You're not making me want to let you stay here."

Bean saunters over and begins to rub himself on Ben's ankles, purring loudly like the traitor he is. "The cat wants me to stay." Ben quips looking up at you while he scratches Bean under his chin.

"The cat doesn't get a say." You cross your arms over your chest. “And why do you want to stay here anyway? You’ve got tons of money! You don’t exactly need a roommate. And you certainly don’t need to live back at the apartment with Butcher and the team.”

Ben frowns for a minute as if what he’s about to say next is difficult. “I just-“ He sighs. “I don’t want to live alone okay?”

“What?” You blink in shock. It was the last thing you were expecting him to say.

“The lab and all that shit-" Ben looks away from you and takes a hit from the joint. "It- fuck." He mutters it more to himself than to you, eyes leveled at the hardwood floors.

It was the first time you'd seen him look a little bit vulnerable, surprising since he'd yelled at you a few hours ago when you'd accused him of having feelings. The truth was you felt bad for Ben. He was all alone, didn't have anyone left, his old boss literally took his genetic material and made a monster, and he was stranded in a world that he didn't know anything about. And maybe he didn't want to admit it, but maybe Ben was lonely. Which made the whole bed hopping thing make sense.

You examine his posture, notice how he still won't look at you, and how he almost seems to be ashamed that he admitted that.

“I’m just not sure it’s a good idea for us to live together.” You say quietly.

“Why? Because you think I’m going to try something while you’re sleeping?” Ben looks up at you suddenly angry. “Do you really think that I’d do something like that? I mean I’m a lot of things Petals but a fucking rapist isn’t one of them.”

“No I don’t think you’d do that Ben.” It was the truth, Ben might be obnoxious and inappropriate at times, but you didn’t believe that he would ever force you to do something you didn’t want to do.

“Then why?”

“Because we don’t get along. You’re-“ You wave your hand up and down at him.

Yes I know that gesturing to all of him isn't an answer, but maybe I'm trying my best.

“I don’t know what that means.” Ben raises his eyebrows as if trying to solve the secrets of the universe.

You sigh, blowing out a breath. "I just don’t think we’re a good fit for roommates.”

“Because?”

“You’re loud, and you always have those women with you. You smoke and drink and you put your feet on my furniture! Not to mention you don’t really seem to like plants all that much-“ You gesture with your hand to the room covered in plants in different stages of growth.

“I like plants.”

“Uh-huh? What plants?”

“What?”

“What kind of plants do you like?”

Ben blinks for a second. “You’re fucking crazy.”

“That’s another thing! We drive each other crazy Gramps. I don’t think this is a good idea. Not to mention you wouldn’t have a room, you’d be out here on the couch.”

I mean did he want to sleep on that couch? It was sort of comfortable, but not live on forever comfortable.

“It’s not a bad couch?” Ben says it like a question.

“I got it free from a guy with a foot fetish, Ben. It’s a bad couch. I just-“ You sigh and pinch the bridge of your nose. “You really want to live here that badly?”

“It's quieter here than it is at the other apartment."

“Nothing about Mike’s singing in the morning is quiet.” You crack a smile for the first time since you saw him sitting on your front step.

“It’s not so bad. There was this hero in the 70’s who could super screech. Fucking blew out my eardrums one time.” Ben shrugs. “Plus I don’t want you to miss me.”

Your smile drops into a frown. "I wouldn't miss you."

"I think you would doll."

You stand there for another minute considering what it would be like for him to live here.

I can't believe that I'm considering this. That would mean that he would be a pain in my ass 24/7. Him drinking, smoking, and doing God knows what on my couch. And why does he want to live on the couch anyway? It sucks. He could live anywhere he wanted and yet he wants to live here with me? Kinda feels like there's another reason for this.

"If I say yes there are some ground rules." You bite the inside of your cheek, rocking back on your heels.

"Like?"

"No sex."

Ben rolls his eyes. "I don't know why you're so against you and me-" He begins to say, but you interrupt him.

"I'm talking about you. You’re not allowed to bring any of your harem into my apartment."

“Want me all for yourself huh Petals?” Ben smirks stretching his hands back behind his head in a way that makes the end of his shirt pulls up enough for you to see the sliver of skin just at the top of his jeans and a peak of his muscular abdomen.

Keep it together, it’s just skin.

You frown at him until Ben finally sighs.

"Wouldn't it be our apartment if I lived here?" He raises an eyebrow.

"No women." You say firmly.

“Fine.”

“No going in my room under any circumstances.” You point down the darkened hallway as if he didn't know where it was.

“But what if-“

“No going in my room under any circumstances!” You repeat.

Ben mutters something under his breath.

“I’m sorry I didn’t catch that.”

“I said okay.” He grouses.

"And no killing my plants." You look at the ones growing on the coffee table where they could be easily pushed off by his large feet, narrowing your eyes.

“What if it’s an accident?”

“Too bad. And how do you accidentally kill a plant?”

“I don’t know there’s a fuck ton of them in here! I could step on one or trip. Not to mention in the shower-“ He begins to shout.

“It’s you that wants to live here! And if you want to, you have to follow my rules.”

“You really are a bossy little thing. Didn’t think you’d be into domination.” Ben cocks his head to the side examining you.

“You don’t know anything about me.”

“Because you’re so damn guarded. It’s like trying to get into the U.S Mint.”

That made you pause. He wants to know more about me? What?

Bean purrs louder and brushes up against your legs as if asking your permission for Ben to live there.

This is insane. Why here? Couldn’t he go off and live with Legend or something?

“Are you sure you couldn’t just live with Legend? Y’all seem to get along better-“

Ben shudders. “I never want to live with him again. I stayed over at his house a few nights one time and walked in on him naked and covered in cool whip.”

“I don’t think you have the right to kink shame other people-“

“He was alone Petals.”

“What?”

“There was no one else there.”

“Okay yeah that’s weird.” You snort.

“Then again if I walked in on you covered in cool whip I think it would be a nice surprise.” Ben winks at you as he takes another hit from his blunt.

“Keep dreaming Gramps.”

“Oh I see it in my dreams all the time.” He tilts his head to the side, his eyes tracing the curves of your body.

You sigh exasperated. On one hand you felt bad for him and were kind of flattered that he was willing to confess that he didn’t want to live alone to you. And on the other hand you didn’t want him to live with you because you knew he would drive you to the brink of insanity. And you were already close enough to that.

“Fine.”

“Fine like you’re going to pull some cool whip out of the freezer?” Ben perks up.

“No. Fine as in you can live here and pay rent. But, if you break any of the rules or if you start driving me more insane than usual, I reserve the right to kick you out on your ass.”

“Can I make a counter offer?”

“Nope.”

Ben sighs mulling it over, before he stands from the couch and holds out his hand towards you. “Deal.”

You take it hesitantly. Sometimes you weren’t used to how warm Ben was. You figured that it was because of the nuclear radiation, but you didn’t mind it. In fact, you kind of liked it. Plants and cold didn’t mix and you noticed that you didn’t do well in the cold either, which meant that Ben’s body temperature almost seemed to soothe you.

And you noticing how warm he was again lead back to the memory of him pinning you against the counter earlier, how warm his body was when it curved around you, how he dipped his head down towards yours, how he-

I’ve got to get this under control. You grit your teeth together to avoid the strawberry bush on top of the refrigerator to go back into full bloom.

“Well now that this is all sorted out, I’m going to go to bed.” You let go of his hand and try to step around him, but Ben blocks you.

“Come on roomie, watch a movie with me. This is a good one.” Ben nods his head back to the tv, where the opening credits have started to play.

You’d never seen this film before, but wondered why Ben was so adamant about you watching a movie with him. You’d seen most of his others and hadn’t been impressed with his acting skills. You assumed he kept getting roles because of who he was.

What? Does he think that watching a film with him in it will make me sleep with him? I wonder if he does that on his Tinder dates, gets them all hot and bothered with his old films and… I am not thinking about this right now.

“I don’t watch much tv.” You lie, eyes shifting back to the dark hallway and the solace of your bedroom. In your bedroom you couldn't make the mistake of kissing Ben, in there you could only fantasize about it.

“There’s that adorable scrunch.” Ben coos poking his finger directly between your eyebrows, signaling that he knows you lied.

“Fine.” You sigh, swatting away his hand. “I’ll watch the stupid movie. But can I change first?”

“Sure.” 

You vanish down the hallway and into your room, looking around at the familiar objects inside. You take in a soothing breath, feeling the energy from the plants in the room sink into your bones and take away your anxiety and nervous energy. You gently touch the petals of a honeysuckle on your chest of drawers to perk it up, the happy yellow blooms making you smile.

I don’t have to go back out there. I can just hide in here forever.

It seemed like a good plan, but apart of you felt guilty, because Ben was asking you to do something that was normal with him instead of asking you to sleep with him.

Maybe he’s trying to have a sort of friendship. Maybe I should be supportive of that and-

“If you’re debating whether or not to come out of your room naked, the answer is yes.” Ben shouts from the living room. "I can check the freezer for cool whip for you."

Never mind.

When you finally come out of your bedroom you’re wearing a pair of your softest sweatpants and a maroon t-shirt with a picture of a potted plant on the front, toting your latest crochet project- a black cardigan with small white flowers the size of the tip of your pinky that you were making for Annie's birthday that was coming up in a month.

Before you hadn't minded that the only place to sit in your living room was the couch. Annie and you had spent many nights sitting on it drinking wine and watching ridiculous movies, but now you wished that you had tried to shove another armchair into your living room, because the only place for you to sit was beside Ben.

Ben, who now had shrugged out of his jacket and was looking much too good for someone wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He grins when he sees you and pats the cushion next to him.

"Come on baby, I don't bite." His grin turns wolfish. "Unless you ask me to."

You shake your head, but sit down beside him, bringing your legs up underneath you and place the cardigan on your lap before finding the cold metal of the crochet hook in the bundle. Ben's thigh is almost touching yours, just an inch of space between the two of you, but you can still feel the warmth of his body in the space.

"What the fuck is that?" Ben zeroes in on the project in your lap.

"I'm making a sweater for Annie's birthday. It's next month." You don't bother looking up at him, instead you try to find the stitch where you left off.

"And you call me old." Ben laughs.

"Keep talking Gramps and I'm gonna make you a pretty pink hat with big yellow flowers, tie it to your head while you're sleeping, take a photo, and make it your profile picture on Tinder."

"You've seen my pictures on Tinder?" Ben leans towards you and wiggles his eyebrows. "Were you fantasizing about me Petals?"

"Have you ever had a filter or did it get thrown away when you got the Douchebag iOS 8 upgrade?" You ask beginning to work down the row of stitches.

"I have no idea what that means." Ben frowns in confusion.

"Ask Hughie. Now be quiet I'm trying to watch the movie."

Ben chuckles and leans back on the sofa.

The movie was better than the others you'd seen. Ben was playing a man who was surviving in an apocalyptic world following the fallout of nuclear war that turned everyone into mutated creatures. It was broken up by flashbacks to a perfect world where Ben was in the military and had the perfect nuclear family.

There was something about seeing him in the flashbacks with the family that made something stir in your chest. Seeing him so gentle, playing with his kids, sitting at the breakfast table with his wife- it reminded you of how Ben acted with you sometimes, when he acted calmer and less like the macho asshole he was around Butcher and the rest of the team.

It made you think about what Hughie said that Ben said about having a few kids with Countess.

He’d probably be a good dad.

You think to yourself finishing the row and starting the next one, the bright blue metal crochet hook weaving the yarn together.

That must have been painful, to find out that she never loved him. I wonder if he waited for her to come get him everyday.

A part of your heart broke for him despite how much he annoyed you. You couldn’t imagine someone you loved letting you down like that, leaving you behind and not coming back.

It would be like me waiting for Annie each day and then find out that our friendship didn't mean anything to her.

You could see Ben glancing over at you every few minutes as if gauging how much you liked the movie, and it was hard not to smile.

“What?” You ask, threading your hook.

“Are you paying attention?”

“Yes.”

“Do you like it?”

“Huh?” You look up from your crochet at him. You weren’t expecting him to ask you that. “Um yeah. I like this one. I can't believe they got Charleton Heston to star in this with you." You say watching Ben and Heston on the screen. Heston was playing another survivor who was leading what seemed to be the last group of survivors in New York. Ben's character had just discovered them living in the sewers and was happy to learn that he wasn’t the last man on earth. “You like Chuck Petals?”

“My dad did. We used to watch all his films, but we never watched this one.” You look back down at your crochet, smoothly working down the row. The rhythmic motion of the hook and the yarn is serene and calming. It’s why you started in the first place, because after a long day it was the only thing that lowered your anxiety.

You hadn’t thought about your father in years, hadn’t tried to watch one of the films he loved so much in ages, sometimes it was too painful to think about your parents, hard to think about what happened to them.

“What was he like?” Ben asks.

“Charleston Heston? I hate to break it to you Gramps, but if you’ve forgotten what he was like and you were in a movie with him I’m pretty sure that’s a sign of Alzheimer’s.” You reply without looking up.

“Your old man.” Ben rolls his eyes.

“Oh.” You bite the inside of your cheek. “He was a dad.” You say it hoping that Ben won't press you for more answers.

“And?”

“Why are you asking me that?” You insert the hook into the sweater, not looking up at Ben.

“Humor me.”

“I don’t really want to talk about him.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t like to.”

“Why not?"

“Because I don’t!" You shout, shoulders tensing. "Why? Do you like talking about your dad?”

Ben’s mouth dips down into a frown. “Not really.”

An awkward silence grows between the two of you, broken only by the dialogue between Ben and Heston on the screen.

“My parents died when I was 12.” You whisper, continuing down the row of stitches until you get to the end and flip the sweater around. "I don't like talking about it."

Ben presses his lips into a tight line. “I’m sorry.”

“I’d say it’s okay, but it’s really not.” You begin the next row of stitches, not looking up at Ben. You hadn't talked about your parents with anyone since you were in a relationship with Newton. Annie of course knew, she'd been there with you the whole time, through the funeral, through the aftermath when you had horrible nightmares, through the fallout with your brother when he vanished for a month and didn't seem the same when he came back, and she always made sure that you were okay. Annie was more than your best friend, she was family.

Another silence builds as the two of you watch the movie continue. Heston had just revealed that it was his fault that the nuclear fallout took place and that he was secretly a Nazi. You were sure that there was going to be an epic fight scene within the next few minutes.

“My mom died when I was young too.” Ben murmurs still looking at the screen, barely audible over the music as it begins to swell.

You stop crocheting to look at him. “I’m sorry.”

He nods once, not looking at you, taking another hit from his blunt.

And as you sit there examining him, you wondered if Ben, despite everything he said and everything he did, if he was just as human as you were.

A/N: I realize that this might be becoming a lot of domestic fluff and soft Ben and I'm not sorry. 😂

As always thank you so much for reading! If you'd like to be added to the taglist please let me know! :)

Taglist:

@roseblue373 @mrsjenniferwinchester @corruptedcruiser @winchesterwild78 @the-super-who-locked-wizard

@criminalyetminimal @52ndstreeet @bitchykittenconnoisseur @anna6307 @libby99hb

@faephoria @possiblyafangirl @jqtaro @quietlybitchy @tinydancer40

@roger-that-cap @megara0224 @miskwaadesiwag @rainyeggvoidpurse

@soldiergrimes @tiffsbagels @podiumackles

@ifyouwerethemoon @ririshkin @peachhiz @fitxgrld @sukunassfinger

[nexus-my-beloved]

Umbrella Academy where everything is the same (NOT) but Klaus took the bullet for Dave in Vietnam. Klaus comes back (not realizing he should, in fact, be VERY dead) to a Dave that is heartbroken and thinks he is dead, scares the shit out of him by reassuring that he is not in fact a part of the afterlife, and brings up the briefcase and bringing Dave back with him to 2019. Dave agrees and Klaus gets on track to being semi-sober with Dave's help. Umbrella Academy where everything is the same (NOT) but Ben didn't check the tank and blew it up like he was supposed to. A world where he walked home from the mission and waited for Five to come back like Viktor did when he made Five nutfluff sandwiches every night. Umbrella Academy where everything is the same (NOT) but Allison didn't rumor Claire and went to therapy and took deep breaths and didn't mess things up. A world where she kept her daughter and even if she and Patrick split she still was in good graces to spend time with her kid. Umbrella Academy where everything is the same (NOT) but Diego got Patch's message in time and managed to make it to the hotel room to either help her deal with Hazel & Cha-Cha or he got there before her injuries were too far gone and he was able to save her. A world where he kept her safe. Umbrella Academy where everything is the same (NOT) but Luther let Five do his job instead of threatening to drop Dolores out the window to keep Five from murdering people that might kick-start the apocalypse. A world where Luther understood where Five was coming from and didn't threaten to break the only thing that Five had learned to love. Umbrella Academy where everything is the same (NOT) but someone found out Viktor had powers and helped get him off of his power-supressing meds and helped him figure out how to use them. A world where Viktor was helped rather than left to spiral into a mindless rage that would end the world. Umbrella Academy where everything is the same (NOT) but Five learns about the subway before meeting the Handler and he learns potential outcomes and how best to solve the apocalypse. A world where he takes the Handler's deal but he breaks down the comission (or at least removes her from it, creep) and gets back to his family, and despite looking young he is alive, everyone is alive, and he checks the subway regularly (that he has made a map of) for potential oncoming threats. He learned at a young age during one of his subway explorations that he would inevitably kill Lila's parents, and he never does it, pretends to get the mission done so that his cover isn't blown before he goes home. Umbrella Academy where everything turns out okay because Five utilized the subway, people listened to each other, and they didn't have poor timing. Umbrella Academy where things didn't hurt as bad. A "do-over", if you will. Like "The Day That Wasn't" episode.

[demon-country]

"Stolas shouldn't have portalled out Blitz during Full Moon" this and "Stolas should have stuck around and listened to Blitz in the garden during Apology Tour" that. Do y'all not realize how it sounds to demand that a domestic abuse victim stick around when someone is yelling at and insulting them? And on the flip side of that, do the other half of y'all not realize how it sounds to demand that someone, particularly someone from an oppressed group, never get loud or demonstrably angry just because it might scare someone?

Like Blitz had every right to air his grievances in Full Moon, and being angry when you're treated poorly is a perfectly normal, reasonable response. It's not inherently abusive to yell and stomp when you get mad, and it's completely unreasonable to say that Blitz is just because he did. But at the same time, Stolas does not have to sit there and take being yelled at when he's already had to suffer though someone doing it to him maliciously for at least 17 years. He does not have to take being grabbed, being screamed at, or having his clearly stated boundaries ignored either, like at the beginning of Apology Tour. Him getting upset when someone does that to him, when he's only just gotten away from his abuser and was almost murdered for it, is not some failing on his part or him playing the victim.

Blitz's trauma doesn't care that Stolas wasn't actually going to abandon Blitz, and it doesn't care that that the hurtful things Stolas has said and done have come largely from a place of ignorance rather than a lack of care. He's protecting himself the only way he knows how and is blinded by the sheer intensity and longevity of his self-loathing, but frankly it was a good thing for him to finally speak up about how some of the things Stolas does makes him feel, and it's a very good thing that he's actually trying to fight to keep Stolas rather than just booking it and throwing a grenade behind him on the way out.

Just like Stolas' trauma doesn't care if he knows Blitz is different than Stella and wouldn't actually hurt him, and it doesn't care that Blitz's anger comes from a hurt, scared, and traumatized place as opposed to the pleasure Stella took in hurting and scaring him. Stolas hasn't had any time to even begin to heal from the damage she did to him, and frankly if he's scared and breaking down like in Full Moon it's actually a step up if he's removing himself from whoever is triggering him, even if it wasn't fair to Blitz who was, in his own way, attempting to work things out.

Neither of them is the bad guy here, they're just very reasonably upset and having clashing trauma responses. You can be compassionate and understanding of both sides without saying that either of them should have to just sit there and take it when someone is greatly upsetting them. It's normal to get angry when you're scared and upset, and it's normal to cry and run away when you're scared and upset, and neither are wrong or bad just because in the moment when emotions were running high they each did several things that accidently set the other off, especially when they had no way of knowing it was a trigger beforehand.

None of this is say that the way things shook out was great or productive, and they definitely need to work on healing so that they're not letting their fear and trauma control them. If they're going to get to place of real understanding, then at some point these two need to sit down with the intent to talk things out and have an honest and open conversation with each other, without Blitz yelling or Stolas running or either of them letting their preconceived assumptions and biases get in the way of actually listening. Blitz needs to not self-sabotage and Stolas needs to not shut down, and that's going to be really fucking hard for both of them, because that's how they've been coping with their trauma for literal decades.

And to his major credit, Blitz got it right at the end of Apology Tour, the only thing he got wrong was the timing because Stolas was so drunk that I'll be honestly surprised if he remembers most of it in the morning. He wasn't in any state of mind to listen or pay attention, but at the same time, to his credit he's already been reflecting on what Blitz has been saying to him and trying to figure out where and how he fucked up and hurt Blitz. And also, he kept saying things like "right now", which means he will be ready to talk things out eventually if he's just given a little bit of space to put himself back together and think about things.

And guys, please. Just because some people will start crying to try to manipulate and guilt trip those around them whenever someone gets upset at something they did, doesn't make that what Stolas did. He was trying to get away so Blitz wouldn't see him cry. And just because some people like to fly off the handle and rage at every perceived infraction, doesn't make that what Blitz did. He had justifiable cause to be angry and in Full Moon he didn't think Stolas was listening, so he tried to make himself louder and bigger in an attempt to make himself be heard and his hurt be acknowledged. If one of their reactions made you uncomfortable, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. But the story isn't about those kinds of people, it's about two fictional demons who aren't trying to hurt or manipulate each other, they're just struggling to juggle trauma, ignorance, and the desire to be together. They're not able to yet, but that's what character arcs are for.

And just to head off any comments on it: no, the narrative is not villifying Blitz and it's not babying Stolas or trying to sweep any of the shit he's done under the rug. Blitz being angry and self-destructive doesn't make him a villain, and Stolas crying a few times and still being pretty ignorant of how he's come across doesn't mean they're trying to say he's done nothing wrong.

[bookfandomtalk]

There have been a LOT of debates on here and other social media platforms about the Batfam & their views on killing. I've had thoughts on this for a while and it's currently 1AM so lets do this:

Alfred: Would kill if neccesary, but only then. He wouldn't lose a night of sleep if he believes it's justified, but his definition of justified might not align with everyone elses. Alfred often puts the duty of the bat up on an even higher pedestal than Bruce, and if someone dangerous discovered the secret and Alfred could get away with it, he's definitely consider option, even if he probably wouldn't.

Bruce: I saw a post a few days ago about the Hunger Games and its view on bad people v.s. atrocities. The point was that if you prioritize condemning the people over their actions, you risk falling into those same actions. Bruce, and the concept of Batman, embodies that. His first priority will always be to stop atrocities from happening, not punishing the perpetrators. His refusal to kill stems FROM that. He's not cleaning up the city from bad people, he's cleaning up the city from bad actions. Honestly, I do not believe that killing someone would "destroy" Bruce in the way it's often suggested. But i do believe it would ruin the faith people have in the bat as a symbol of faith and hope, and I believe Bruce would struggle to cope with it for a long time.

Dick: Is a lot more morally rigid than Bruce. Where I firmly believe Bruce's emotional regulation issues come from being raised by Alfred, Dick got raised by Alfred and Bruce. As a result, he's a lot more like Bruce than he'd ever be willing to admit, and in some ways, he might be worse. Dick crosses peoples lines a lot in canon, especially when it comes to manipulating people. But the one line he'd never cross is murder. Yes, he nearly murdered Joker, but that was in a fit of rage. If Bruce hadn't resuscitated the Joker, I firmly believe it would've significantly changed both Dick as a civillian and Nightwing as a vigilante. It would break him.

Babs: Doesn't want to kill, but wojldn't hesitate. Her dad's a cop, she knows very well that in a life or death situation, she can't hesitate. She'll do all the training in the world to prevent herself from being in that spot, but if she gets caught of guard (again) she'll now be ready.

Jason: Unlike Dick and Bruce, Jason's first trauma wasn't the murder of a loved one. His mother died of an overdose and Jason's dad originally got killed in prison (not sure if that's still canon). He never had one hard line "no killing" because his first horrors were a lot less clear. He doesn't take killing lightly, but he believes that some crimes are unforgivable, and without significant fear, you can't stop people from committing them.

Cass: Cass is not morally against killing, but she won't do it. She can read every single sign in a person's body and knows so inherently how wrong it is. She killed once as a kid and decided to never again. If there was no absoluely other way out of a situation, and someone other than her was the one in danger, she might, but I really doubt that would or could ever happen.

Tim: Originally, Tim's no killing rule came from his idolidation of Batman and Robin. They said "no killing" so Tim internalized that. Tim is a very rigid person in his morals, but in a different way than Dick. His entire time as Robin, Tim had people trying to convince him to turn to the dark side and start killing, starting with Lady Shiva. This is what makes it so ironic that the only person Tim technically "killed" was in fact Shiva. It was a complete accident while he was affected by a herb that gave him super speed and Tim himself immediately administered CPR despite Shiva trying to kill him not even a minute ago. Then with Gun Batman, Tim's morals slightly change. Tim still refuses to ever kill, but now it's more out of fear. If he starts killing, at what point does he become that villain? His morals grey over time, the captain boomrang incident show that, as does the entire first half of the Red Robin run. But Tim has drawn ONE line for himself that he wants to maintain so he doesn't become Gun Batman, and that's that he won't kill. (So no, I don't believe he physically blew up any league bases. He blew up their online infrastructure. That's it.)

Steph: Her mother is a nurse who taught Steph to value life, but I honestly think that if Steph ever has to kill someone, or a accidentally kills someone (who deserves it) she'd handle it best. She wouldn't be completely normal about it, but she'd work through it and carry on.

Duke: Honestly mirrors Dick in a lot of ways, there's a reason they initially got paired in We Are Robin. I don't think Duke is capable of killing anyone. He's still human, he has a snapping point (but not enough has happened to reach it), but if he killed, he'd really struggle with it.

Damian: Hardest to nail down for me by far. (Mostly because the writers are fucking inconsistent) He used to be able to kill without remorse, and sometimes he mourns the fact that ne no longer can do that. But most of the time he's grateful for how far he's come. If he gets a chance to kill someone like the Joker and get away with it, he might, but otherwise, he's grown enough to know the value of human life.

[myechoecho]

The Double, ep 27

Ep 27 had a severe lack of the Duke in it, which also means a lack of our OTP. And a lack of Lu Ji and Wen Ji. Still it wasn't a bad episode.

Let's start with Yu'e. At first, I thought she got what she deserved with being married to a man who hated her. But he's so awful that he couldn't just ignore her or something. He was beating her. So it was satisfying to see his genuine terror to when she says she's going personally take care of him now.

I truly do hope that Ruoyao can really find herself and break free. I was pleased to see that she was following with what she started and standing up to her mother. Unfortunately, her mother chose to POISON her as a way to get rid of Jiang Li. I'm going to assume that she will survive. And if she does, she really, really shows her mom how she cannot control her anymore.

I still think Shuran is awful. But at least we have context for where it all stems from. Cruelty begets cruelty. Her father was terrible and saw his daughters as pawns for his own position. When he disfigured her lover, he had her set up to be married to a useless person. He's the one who suggested she kill Jiang Li's mom to be able to married into the Jiang family. She's also just killed a child. Accidentally, but still.

It's interesting because there are similarities between Ruoyao and Shuran. Much of how Shuran treats Ruoyao is like how her father treated her. But there are lines that Ruoyao won't cross unlike her mother, who at this point has killed two people, attempted murder on another, got a child banished for matricide and fratricide (the kid wasn't even born yet so i dunno how that works), is trying to kill Jiang Li and has now poisoned Ruoyao.

Ruoyao is not her mother. Shuran is not wrong when she says that Jiang Li influenced her. But mostly Li just pointed out some things to Ruoyao. Ruoyao is the one who made the choice to stand up for herself - she could have just hidden she's done before. It also didn't hurt to hear Yanbang dismiss her and say he can coax her into anything because she has not thoughts of her own.

One thing I did notice is that Shuran's maid lacky was truly distressed at poisoning Ruoyao. It makes me wonder if she's not as on board with this plan as she has been with Shuran's others. She just might be the weak link, if Shuran goes even further against Ruoyao.

I did like what little we saw of Jiang Li. When the Duke gave her the whistle, I was curious as to how that would work (who's going to hear it?). I should have known better since the Duke has someone planted at the Jiang residence (and he's been there for 7 years!?! what is time and age in this drama??). So it's definitely been a very long game that the Duke and the Emperor have been playing.

Not much to say about the Aunt, though good in Li for seeing she was pretending to be crazy. I did suspect that someone had killed her child but in last episode it didn't look like she was pushed. However, this episode showed the real story.

As for Shuran, I'm confident she's very badly underestimated Li and whatever she's planning won't go as she thinks.

[anonymous-chicken-was-taken]

What the Ace Attorney Villains Could Get Charged With (to the best of my research) (in America laws)

Game One

!Disclaimer! I know nothing about law take this with a grain of salt I was just bored.

Frank Sahwit

Burglary - This one is obvious. He was a thief. He stole stuff. How many charges exactly depends on how many he admits to or can be traced back to him.

Breaking and entering - At least one charge from Cindy's case, potentially more depending on any other burglary charges.

Assault and battery - Hitting Cindy with the Thinker. The assault may or may not be aggravated depending on whether it was technically intended to be used in a way that would readily and likely cause death.

Second-degree murder - This one could potentially be brought down to voluntary manslaughter. It depends whether he intended to kill Cindy when he hit her, and if he was in enough emotional distress that hitting her would be semi-justifiable.

Incrimination - In pinning the blame on Larry, he did this.

Fraud - Even if pretending to be a newspaper salesman to steal from people didn't constitute fraud, Payne stated this as his job. This means he lied about his job to the court by saying he was a newspaper salesman. Which is fraud.

Perjury

Redd White

Incrimination - This is when he tried to frame Maya, and when he shifted the blame on Phoenix. This may lead to two charges.

Obstruction of justice - In incriminating Maya, he tampered with the crime scene. Plus, blackmailing a judge is probably illegal and probably falls under this.

Corruption - He was a corporate official, which makes some of this other stuff constitute corruption, mostly the blackmail.

Blackmail - Speaking of, he could be faced with countless charges of this, depending how much could be tied back to him.

Assault and battery - Punching someone in the face multiple times is illegal, kids. So is hitting someone on the head. If Frank gets aggravated for the thinker, so does he. Phoenix's assault probably wasn't aggravated, though, as I doubt his rings/fists would be ruled a deadly weapon considering the intent.

Intimidation - His threat for an "accident" to happen to Phoenix is more than enough to be considered a threat of violence.

First-degree murder - His murder of Mia was completely premeditated. There's little he can do about this.

Criminal threat - Threatening to injure or kill someone is bad. And using flowery language like "accident" doesn't negate it.

Wiretapping - While he didn't actually put the wiretap there, it can be inferred he ordered it. This makes it conspiracy, so there is some shared guilt.

Conspiracy - The wiretapping was a joint effort between him and April. He may try to claim otherwise, but its degree of success is debatable.

Workplace abuse - It's a real good sign when your secretary fears you murdering her like you did to that defense attorney a couple days ago, Redd, I'm sure you could never get in legal trouble for that.

Perjury

Dee Vasquez

Racketeering - Oftentimes, people in organized crime are automatically found guilty of this. This being charging someone for a service they haven't requested (think mafia "protection").

Blackmail - This one is also pretty obvious. Jack Hammer.

Obstruction of justice - This is her tampering with the crime scene when she moved the body. Also potentially when she tried to kill a lawyer involved with the case.

Attempted murder - By proxy, two charges, when she ordered her goons to kill Phoenix and Maya.

Voluntary manslaughter - Hammer was trying to kill her, she's got that justified self-defense plea. Not that it matters much, because...

Countless other mafia-related charges - We don't know the exact details of her mafia connections, but she's entrenched enough to have goons. We can safely say she did a lot of illegal stuff in organized crime.

Intimidation - Mafia goons trying to kill you is pretty intimidating. That and the threats of erasure.

Criminal threat - See above threats of erasure.

Conspiracy - She works together with Sal Manella in the obstruction of justice.

Perjury

Manfred von Karma

Forgery - He's known to forge evidence constantly.

Obstruction of justice - See above. Plus, tazing lawyers and stealing their evidence is pretty frowned upon. So is intimidating witnesses.

Assault and battery - The evidence room fiasco. Potentially aggravated depending on the actual voltage of the tazer and if he lied about it or not, but given they didn't die, probably not.

Theft - He stole evidence from the evidence room.

Intimidation - Brandishing a taser at someone is generally considered this.

Corruption - Being a government official, most if not all this stuff constitutes corruption.

Incrimination - Due to his conspiracy with Yogi, he is guilty of attempting to frame Miles by proxy.

First-degree murder - He sees a gun and a man he doesn't like in the elevator, and he does think about it before doing it. Thus, it is premeditated and first-degree. Also, given his conspiracy with Yogi, he may also be guilty of murdering Hammond by proxy.

Child abuse - Both Miles and Franziska could push for this, even just with what we have explicitly stated. Depending on interpretation and how poor of a guardian he was, this charge could have some serious ground to stand on.

Emotional abuse - Pretty much the same hat as the child abuse charge, only less uncertain.

Criminal threat - I don't know what you want from me, man. He threatens everyone all the time.

Torture - I haven't played investigations yet, but from what I'm looking at, he psychologically tortured a guy, so. That's pretty non Geneva convention certified of him, even if this isn't a war.

Workplace abuse - Again, this is hearsay because investigations, but he's pretty crappy to his subordinates, it seems.

Solicitation - He heavily encourages Yogi to kill Hammond and frame Miles.

Conspiracy - He provides Yogi with the means to kill Hammond, so while there is technically no mutual agreement, he's also guilty of this.

Perjury

Damon Gant

Corruption - As a government official, a great deal of his crimes constitute corruption.

Forgery - A great portion of the conflict of his case comes from the forged evidence he made.

Obstruction of justice - Most of the rest of the conflict of his case comes from the evidence he withheld.

Blackmail - Quite a severe case of it, at that. Multiple years against a single person is nothing to sneeze at.

Incrimination - That's what it was when he made it look like Ema killed Neil.

First-degree murder - He thought about killing Neil long enough to consider the pros and cons of doing so, and went through with it. That's pretty premeditated. A good lawyer may be able to get him down to second degree for Goodman, but it's highly doubtful considering.

Conspiracy - He had Lana hide Goodman's body, and while there was blackmail involved, there was still a mutual agreement. Thus, conspiracy.

Concealment of death - There are a few different names for this, but it's when he had Lana hide Goodman's body. It was unsuccessful, but there were still significant steps taken to have it happen on both their parts, so he may get a partial sentence.

Criminal threat - He makes so many threats.

Workplace abuse - I think using a pipe organ to punish your employees violates some international laws or something. Speaking of which...

Torture - Of the audio variety. Seriously this guy is the police how did this fly for so long that is BAD.

Vigilantism - This is actually very interesting. Despite the fact that he is a member of law enforcement and Joe Darke did kill multiple people, he still used illegal means to bring him to some form of justice. Depending on how much he wanted Darke convicted, it could be argued that his actions constitute vigilantism.

Assault and battery - One case of assault against Goodman, and two charges of battery against Neil and Goodman. Assault is the threat of violence and the means to follow through, and battery is the actual act of violence; seeing as Neil was unconscious, he could not have been threatened. The assault was aggravated, as a knife is a deadly weapon.

Perjury

GAME TWO

[alollinglaughingcat]

i... accidentally discovered 100% Wolf and im absolutely going insane

something i like to do for fun is to watch kinda of shitty animated wolf/dog/animal movies like, yknow, like Pets United or Underdog, or, famously, the Alpha & Omega series, mostly cause i see some YT review about how bad/goofy they are and it's something to waste an hour or two

and i saw a 100% Wolf bad review and was like "ha another bad wolf furry movie! i'll watch that. oh it has a sequel movie coming out soon? cool. oh, it has a series? with two 20+ episode seasons? oof the series probably butchers the quality/integrity of the movie... i'll watch the movie but the series will probably be to bad to watch---"

AND THEN I WATCHED THE SERIES AND IT. IT WASN'T BAD.

granted im only up to like episode 14 or smthn before i HAD to take a break (literally i watched the movie this morning and i havent taken a break for ANYTHING) (except feeding my foster kittens)

BUT LIKE???? it's not GOOD quality necessarily, either in animation or plot or character development, like I'd say it's kind of like Miraculous Ladybug quality, but a little worse? but i just LOVE it. i LIKE the characters. i ENJOY the silly little plot. i LOVE that it just fucking??? does things??? and never gives you answers to them???

like hello??? Batty the 100% DOG gained the ability to go were-human and NOBODY QUESTIONED IT OR INVESTIGATED IT FURTHER??? (but i love Batty's character and i love how she got voted the pack leader instead of the main character or his rival even if it didn't stick and i love how she wanted to return to being a normal dog at first but then grew to love her werewolf pack and she doesn't wanna go back and the episode where she was like 'what is my future after the academy if i cant join the night patrol? what do i want from this new life?' was MUAH CHEF'S KISS even though that ALSO did not technically get an answer/resolve)

and what happened to Cherry????? is she on the good guys side now or is she still on the bad guys???? hello???? she was evil for like TWO episodes and then got redeemed and rejoined the good guys again except HELLO REMEMBER that she was probably in cahoots with the OTHER secretly-bad-guy-pretending-to-be-a-good-guy and said guy (Ric) just??? never confronts Cherry for abandoning the bad guys???? even though he SHOULD??? unless Cherry is secretly still on the bad guys side???? WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH CHERRY??? I NEED ANSWERS (and i hope there IS answers in the future but knowing this show its just gonna forgor about it XDD)

AND WHY IS RIC SO SIMULTANEOUSLY STUPID AND SMART??? one episode he's literally evil mastermind and it's so expertly written and i LOVED the foreshadowing for him being the secret evil guy except now that he's revealed to be the evil bad guy he's so stupid sometimes???? why'd they butcher you bro 😭😭😭

SPEAKING OF THE BAD GUYS JUST. FUCKING CHILLING ONCE THEYRE REVEALED TO BE EVIL. what's up with Hotspur??? he was literally the movie villain big baddie who like tried to literally MURDER all dogs and also imprisoned his brother and basically tried to murder his brother and his nephew (LITERALLY Scar-Mufasa-Simba style lmaoo they didnt even try to hide it and its so fuckin funny to me) and then we enter the series and he's just???? allowed to continue being a respected werewolf elder and also running his evil dog shelter??? i get that the series is almost sort of a 'separate/alternate canon' but technically at the end of the movie they also showed him just like?? doing community service?? i literally find it so fucking funny that when someone tries to commit an Evil (see: Cherry, Ric, Hotspur, etc.) the rest of the characters are all like "hey i know you tried to murder me but just do some community service and you can join the pack again kay? 🥰"

but despite the little plot holes the series still seems to run so smoothly and i just love how it knows the right amount of seriousness to take itself, and i love how all of the characters work together... like they could have just had Ivan be a stuuuupid bully forever but within the first few episodes they were already showing him being a better person and being a good member of the pack, all while still keeping his personality... like he even tried to protect Batty's secret!!! even though he was being dog racist you KNOW he would still protect Batty and Freddy with his life even though they're dogs because THEY'RE HIS PACK!!!

also i just love how Freddy LIKES being a dog! like obviously in the movie he reached the conclusion that dogs weren't bad/inferior and he was fine being a pink poodle instead of a big scary werewolf like the rest of his family, but i was afraid the series would revert him and make him all "oooo im just a stupid dog i want to be a powerful wolf!!! no one takes me serious!!" but nah, in the series he's literally like "being a dog is the fucking best and if you disagree you can fucking suck it 😎" AND in 200% Wolf the whole plot is going to be that he DOES get transformed into a wolf and he WANTS TO GO BACK TO BEING A POODLE!! i love that!!

i also love Batty, did i already mention that? i love that she is literally a dog. she is a DOG, who happened to end up being able to turn into a human because of unexplained magical shenanigans, and she still acts primarily like a dog even when human, and she's just so fucking awesome, and my only wish is that she actually got to be the pack leader instead of that being a one-off thing lol. i also love Scarlet too, and i really really really hope that as like the opposite to Batty, Scarlet ends up getting turned into a dog/werewolf lmao. let the wolf hunter become the wolf!!!! if it can magically happen to Batty, it can magically happen to Scarlet XD

also more Cherry please wtf is going on with her i love her

anyway i just needed to ramble because this is my new obsession and i am not going to be able to shut up about it 😭

[nex-kyit]

I can't stop thinking about Mell. She's so interesting and theres still so much we don't know about her and her history with Starhammer.

Like we know she was grown in a lab. Its implied she was raised alongside others but what happened to them? What happened if they failed to become Aether technicians? After Mell stopped the Stellar Synthesis labs? Presumably they were given an education, but was that only for stuff relevant for becoming a technician? To keep her dependent on the corporation, I wonder if Mell wasn't taught life skills like basic financial literacy, cooking, world politics, etc etc. Considering how she had to be transferred in and out of labs in an ENCLOSED container and had to break out, it seems like she wasn't even allowed to leave the lab or see the outside world, at least not without permission. She probably wasn't paid, girl was basically kept captive and used for free (+ highly skilled and expensive) labor and she still says it wasnt that bad???

When she dismantled Stellar Synthesis labs, what then? Where did she go? Did she immediantly begin work on Starhammer? Mfhfm theres so much between her and Starhammer and we really only got to see the very end of their relationship. What made Mell hate the Advocates? WHEN did she begin to hate the Advocates, before or after Starhammer joined them? Did she go to them for help, to report Stellar Synthesis labs crimes, only for the report to go nowwhere, and she to realized that the Advocates had been bought off? Was Starhammer her attempt to repair the Advocates, or was it only after he joined and rose in the Advocates where she began to realise that the Advocates were corrupt?

“So you haven’t killed anyone else?” (The Engineer Ch.12) <- Maybe I'm looking to deep into it, but what does this line mean?? It implies that Mell saw/heard about Starhammer killed someone, and that was when she began to suspect something was wrong with him. Theres also how Mell is very anti-murder, which I'm sure could probably tie into it as well. And their whole conversation in this chapter feels like a continuation of a past one, probably the one that made Mell leave Starhammer for good.

On that thought, how did Mell and Starhammer seperate ways? Mell abandoning Starhammer seems a bit hypocritical since her main thing for making him was to not be forgotten, and I doubt Mell would turn around and try to forget about him. And she clearly still cares about him.

mmh theres still so much I could cover, I've spent countless hours thinking about her.

[misrepresentedmorallygrey]

PROPAGANDA

Amanda Waller

Amanda Waller isn't a much-discussed character on Tumblr, but her reputation in the fandom isn't where it should be, and it's been somewhat worse after the Suicide Squad movies and Peacemaker. You need to read Yale/Ostrander's Suicide Squad to understand her character. Waller is also decent in the Justice League Unlimited cartoon. So many people just know her through cruddy two-dimensional portrayals! They want her to be a "Karen", they want her to be a shrill uppity bitch who gets put down into her place. She is an asshole, and a bit of a ruthless monster—her superiors and her agents are all much much worse. She lives in a world overflowing with serial killers and supernatural beings that can destroy major cities in 5 minutes. She was an impoverished Black mother with no college degree, and in middle age she clawed her way up through education and bureaucracy after her children were SA'd and murdered. She has done horrible terrible things, she dehumanizes and extorts and power-trips and tortures and kills. And yet at times she's been the only one standing in the way of war and destruction of colonized countries. She is stubbon and proud, and capable of shame.

John

This fella is Fascinating. just trust me on this he deserves to be here

He tried so hard to do the right thing, he feels bad and says things would be better if he was never born. He thinks he should've just stayed acting like a monster and continued to act threatening.

(LONG PROPAGANDA INCOMING)

John. Milgram. Here's a short description of the fortunes and misfortunes of the guy. It gets worse before it gets better (probably).

While MILGRAM is a prison that judges a bunch of sympathetic killers, it doesn't consider him to be one – it didn't even exactly know he existed until too little too late, when it got its grabby hands on the brain of prisoner 009, who claimed to not know anything about any murder he'd have committed. Then, footage from his brain was extracted, as MILGRAM does, into a music video, and… that was MeMe. Ninth prisoner, Kayano Mikoto, was revealed to have DID, and what obviously who do you think actually Killed Someone?

Enter John. Well. Mikoto is half deeply unaware half subconsciously scared of his existence, so the MV painted him in a rather. Deeply disturbing way, bathing in bloody baths and all that (not a blood bath though! easy mistake). Adding to that him showing up in the first Voice Drama for five seconds to punch the "protagonist" and yell for a bit, and the result wasn't. Assuring. The fandom proceeded to treat him like a cardboard cutout and variously dunk on MILGRAM for having a cliché "evil" character w/ DID despite the overall well handling of complex characters.

Two years time skip: second season ending. We get to prisoner 009 again. The protagonist Finally gets to chat with John: and voila, he's admitting to the crime, he's apparently "killed a bunch of people because they annoyed him", which means, as he's saying, Mikoto has nothing to do with the crime at all! And he, as per the judging system, should be forgiven, right! Well, he's so full of shit. The music video immediately reveals how protective he feels of Mikoto (and well, he definitely doesn't rebuke That one), that the events of murder were somehow tied in to Mikoto's job at a black company, his continuous overworking and him being mentally on the brink of breaking; that any committed violence was For The Sake of Mikoto and that John feels deeply horrible for messing up his life in any way. By making himself into the image of a "monster" he's trying to make Mikoto look good in comparison and be forgiven and all. He also mentioned if Mikoto is voted innocent he's gonna try to go dormant since he's The Issue, right, and the audience/protagonist hates him, Right, and Mikoto Also Hates him, Right?

I'm underselling the sheer devotion of this guy tbh.

Yeah, the fandom results were kinda mixed on that one. Lots of people immediately started to love him dearly and kinda forgot any people were maimed or killed with baseball bats; lots also got sold on him "messing up Mikoto's life" and actually voted Mikoto innocent Specifically because of John's promise to eventually "disappear". There's more of the babygirlifying kind in the English side of the fandom that I've seen, to be fair. And that's around where we are!

[13-nothing]

Heeyyyyy, it's me once again with a rant because dammit Miraculous is going to be the death of me.

So Adrien and Marinette finally got together in Season 5 right? And u would think I would be happy with it buuuuut I kinda already want them to break up.

*le gasp*

Ya, ya I know they FINALLY got together and I want to rip them back apart, but listen I don't like how it's looking for their relationship. I mean it SEEMS like Marinette is hiding even MORE secrets about Adrien from HIM and it just twists my gut. Like at this point I don't know if I want to see the two stay together in the long run if Mari keeps this up.

(Which she might not, but considering things from season 4 haven't entirely been taken care of I doubt it )

I know Marinette's got problems and that she's only 14-15 right now (which is a rabbit hole to cover another day), but she has finally built up a support system of sorts that SHOULD lead her in the right direction of telling Adrien the truth, but based on what I've interpreted on the last part of the Season 5 finale I don't know if that will be the case.

Cause Felix would probably want to keep it a secret anyway to protect Adrien from what he experienced himself, Kagami would probably want to tell Adrien because she is all about people knowing the truth BUT she would also respect Marinette's wishes (to a point at least), Luka probably ONLY knows their identities so he's not going to be much help on the matter tho I'd like to imagine he (like Kagami) would want to tell Adrien but would respect Mari's wishes, Alya would want to tell Adrien IF she knew the whole truth (but she probably doesn't), and while Suhan might agree or disagree with her decision accordingly he's SOOO wishy-washy that his opinion would amount to nothing (I mean his character is just a crappy replacement for Fu that doesn't amount to anything anyway. Like ya, Fu wasn't perfect but at least he wasn't a doormat).

(YES that is a LOT of 'probablys' or 'maybes' but miraculous ALWAYS has a lot of 'probablys' and 'maybes'. Heck every Fandom does!!)

But the point is that Marinette won't be TOLD to get the skeletons out of her closet so she won't touch them at all. She'll push them back to the deepest part of her brain where they will linger, festering with her guilt until Lila (most likely) tears them from her and hangs them up for EVERYONE to see the truth. Which will (ironically) rip away HER OWN carefully spun web of lies.

Not that Adrien's perfect either (despite what most people in the show believe). We as the audience have seen his most flawed moments, the biggest ones being the ENTIRETY of Copycat and Lies (Not that Lies was entirely his fault but still). BUT Marinette's relationship with him is more likely to be affected by her issues than his are (unless he keeps up this *ahem* murderous streak he's got going THEN we can talk more on Adrien's issues). (On an entirely different note is it bad I want him to continue on this ah, darker path?)

Anyway Marinette and Adrien have a lot of problems and until they figure them out I don't think they should be with each other right now. I don't really want either of them to end up alone forever. Like I REALLY want Mari to get it together and to get with someone EVENTUALLY and Adrien to get with someone EVENTUALLY (whether it's them getting together or not Idc) but unless Mari opens up to Adrien about his father she's gonna cause problems for ALL of Paris.

Thanks for reading and I say farewell to thee my fellow existences!!

[the-fo0l]

Ok so I’d like to condense my ask

I asked for 47 catching reader vape but what if she’s a total brat and I mean like somehow sneaked in vapes, slingshots her pearls from jewellery 47 got her at the cameras

Omg this is gonna be so good aaaaaa

Yandere 47 with a rebellious/brat reader

Notes: this took sooo long, didn't really know how to write this either. this slowly becoming a 47 fan account...

Warnings: fluff, kidnapped reader, gender neutral reader

This. fucking. sucked

Getting kidnapped was just about the last thing you had expected when you took that vacation in Sapienza

By a seemingly emotionless, aloof contract killer nonetheless

Though you are far luckier than many others, since his aim wasn't to kill you, quite the opposite actually, he was crazy about you

Still...

That didn't mean you owed him any of your love in return

In fact, the last thing you were gonna do is make this easy on him

Whether it's by rolling your eyes at him, the silent treatment or just flat out bullying

He looks at you deadpan when you insult the 5 star michelin level food he made for you and then asks what he can do to make it better

Sneak into his weapons room and just rearrange some shit

Fuck it, unpack his breifcase right before a misson

You can only do this once though, 47 makes sure you can't get to that part of the house now, not cause you're messing with his equipment, but because you could possibly hurt yourself

Sometimes when you're bored in captivity and there's no hitman to berate, you make a game out of trying to hit the security camera lenses by throwing loose rings/pearls at them

Breaking the gifts he got for you, or just things around the house, doesn't really bother him either, since everything can be replaced

He let's do pretty much anything as long as it isn't a danger to your health

And, of course, he had expected this kind of behavior from you

He had literally kidnapped you after all

But 47 is incredibly patient, making him quite tolerant to the way your rebellious behavior

In fact, he finds it endearing in a way

Well...most of the time

It's pretty disheartening when you're actively making life as hard for him

And eventually it becomes clear that simply letting you act out like this isn't going to help you two become closer

But no impossible task is impossible for 47

We've all heard the witty little puns and honest murder innuendos he says his victims before they inevitably die

He can be quite quick-witted so any of your sly insults will be met with equally teasing remarks to catch you off guard

Never with any actual malice though, his chivalry is unwavering

Being a brat gets kinda boring when you never get a reaction out of him

It gets to the point where you simply forget you're supposed to be giving him attiture

'Well...maybe he isn't that bad.....'

It's kinda hard to be mad when he hasn't really done anything to you

All he does is make you food, buy you things, make sure you're comfortable and overall be a gentleman

Even if you manage to forgive him for the kidnapping, doesn't mean you'll stop teasing him

But this more playful way of teasing is very much welcome

He has to admire your tenacity

"...I had to impersonate the targets husband at a private masquerade", he'll tell you after you press him for what his recent mission was like

"You cheated on me????", you reply, holding back a smirk, knowing you just made his heart pause by implying that he would ever cheat on you (he wouldn't, he'd prob shoot someone if they didn't take the hint)

The fact you're sarcastic most of the time, makes the actually loving and tender moments so much more special

Overall, your combative personality and his stoic one clash in a way that, kind of works??

[sassy-radio-hazbin-queen]

Bambi and the devil chapter 7.

----------

Alastor had long ran out of tears. He couldn't remember the last time he cried. Maybe it was when his father murdered his mother in front of him when he was a child. Or perhaps it was when Alastor himself was killed. He got up and looked around the room. " Might as well get used to it, I'm living here for the rest of my afterlife". He picks up a hairbrush and brushes his hair. " Prisoner or not I refuse to not look decent". He said smiling a bit at the mirror. " I'll say honey , you look a mess". A voice says. " Who said that, who is in this room". Alastor whipped his head around but saw no one. A little creeped out he turns back to the mirror. " You know it's rude to ignore someone honey". The voice said again. " I'm not trying to ignore you, but I don't see you, are you a ghost of some kind". He asked. " Umm we are all dead". The voice said again. " Oh right, well at least show yourself jeesh". Alastor said now getting a bit annoyed.

The voice laughed" look at the wardrobe silly". Alastor looked at gasped as a face was on it. " Wait a minute Alastor is that you"? The wardrobe asked. Alastor stood there shocked. " Ok I get now. I'm dreaming, this entire day has been nothing but a nightmare and I am quite ready to wake up now, thank you". The wardrobe laughed " oh I assure you Alastor you ain't dreaming". She stopped when she saw him stab himself with a needle. " Umm you ok" she asked concerned . Alastor whimpers in pain. " Umm no not really, how do you know my name"?. The wardrobe frowned. " Come on honey don't you recognize your friend Mimsy".

Alastor eyes widen taken into the wardrobe details, years ago his best friend Mimsy went missing, everyone including himself believes her to be killed by an exterminator. " Mimsy". He said tears in his eyes. " Yeah how's it been honey". Alastor started freaking out. " WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, WHY ARE YOU A WARDROBE, DID THAT BASTARD IMPRISON YOU TOO, ILL DESTROY HIM"!

Mimsy could see his antlers about to come out. " Wait hold it, King Lucifer didn't do this. I can't tell you who did, but he is just as much a prisoner as the rest of us deer". Alastor scowls " A prisoner, that keeps other people prisoner". He crosses his arms. " Oh don't be like that honey. It will take some time getting used to but it will work out in the end trust me hon". Mimsy was beginning to wish she was human again. Her friend desperately needed a hug. " I thought you were dead". Alastor whispered. " Ugh I wish I was human again, ya need a hug sweetie". Mimsy said softly.

Alastor sniffs and smiles. " Thank you and don't worry I will free you and everyone in this castle". Mimsy bit her lip. " Oh sweetheart it's a bit complicated". Alastor laughed. " How so. It's just magic. I just need to find a spell book and find the cure". He said determined. He opened the door to see a teapot and a teacup. " Ooh the bad boy is staying forever". The teacup said. " Never ever leave this castle". She said. " Umm ok I don't think I can". Alastor said staring at the strange teacup. " That's Nifty, I'm Cherri bomb". The teapot said. " Hello to you both". Alastor said being polite. " Are you prisoners too"? He asked. " What prisoners no no mate, we are servants". Cherri said. " So like slaves right". Alastor seethes. " Ummm well not exactly". Cherri wasn't sure how to answer this. Especially since Alastor looked like he was going to break down the door. In order to calm him down. " How about some tea. It might calm you mate". Alastor sighs" perhaps a little tea will calm me down, thank you". Cherri nods and pours herself into nifty. Alastor smiles and nods his thanks and sips the tea. It does calm him down. " Thanks I needed that, I'm just so stressed about today". He said sighing. " Why what happened"? Nifty asked.

" Well first Vox and Valentino"- he began.

" VALENTINO"! Cherri yelled. " Yes do you know him". Alastor asked. " Kinda. He used to own Angel soul".

" Angel you mean Angel dust"? Alastor asked. " Uh huh he is a candlestick now. Honestly I thought he would be a pole, since he is a pole dancer ". She giggles. " Since when do poles dance"? Alastor asked. Nifty, cherri and Mimsy look at each other. " Don't tell him". Mimsy whispered. Alastor rolled his eyes. " Well what happened to you guys"?

Cherri shrugged. " Fuck if we know. We get invited to the kings castle. Have a lot of drinks and wake up like this". Alastor grimaces. " Now I'm glad I rarely drink". Cherri laughed. " I know worst hangover ever".

Suddenly the door knocks and Vaggie enters. " Hey Alastor the king says it time for dinner". Alastor Crossed his arms. " Send this message to his majesty, tell him I said Fuck you and the horse you rode in on". Alastor stuck his tongue out. Vaggie was shocked but she nods. " I'm so dead". She says leaving.

Cherri grimaces. " I got to go sweetie, come on nifty". She says. Nifty giggles. " Bye bad boy". She says running off. Alastor watched them leave and falls on the bed. " Hey what you did up there, was very brave". Mimsy said trying to cheer her friend up. " I know but I broke a promise to Charlie, I raised her like a second father". He buried his head in the pillow. Mimsy used her ' hands' to stroke his hair. " It will be ok sweetie trust me". Alastor leans into her touch. " Thanks Mimsy. I missed you alot". Mimsy smiles. " I miss you too".

-----------------------------------------

Meanwhile downstairs Cherri and Angel were taking to Lucifer. " Please be nice to him, he lost his family, home and freedom in one day". Cherri pleads. " And you know what that's like ". Angel says. Lucifer growls. " Look I don't have much time, the Rose petals are getting less and less everyday".

" now you can't make him fall for you overnight". Angel said. " These things take time". Cherri nods. " You need to be romantic, kind, understanding -"

" Kinky". Angel smirked.

" kinky - wait what no Angel". Cherri laughs. " And above all" ( both) " YOU MUST CONTROL YOUR TEMPER".

Vaggie enters. " Umm a message from Alastor ahem" king Lucifer. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on". Vaggie panics. " Please don't kill me "!

Lucifer eye twitches as he takes in Alastor message before. " WHATTTTTT"! he runs to the bedroom. The others following. " Kind and understanding ok". Angel said. He looks away " I hate when he is like that reminds me of Valentino". He shudders. Cherri puts a comfort arm on her friend. Lucifer knocks on the door hard. " I TOLD YOU TO COME TO DINNER".

Alastor: " And I told you no".

Lucifer " COME DOWN TO DINNER OR I WILL BREAK DOWN THIS DOOR"!

Alastor froze his breathing going up. " No I won't" he squeaks. This monster was just like his father. Why did he agree to stay with him again. He could hear the others telling Lucifer to be gentle with him. But Alastor was already having flashbacks of his father knocking the door down to hurt him. " It would give me great pleasure of you could join me for dinner, please". Alastor heard him, but he wasn't hungry. He felt like his appetite was gone forever. " I'm not hungry". He said. Standing his ground. Then he hears the door pound harder. Instinct took over and he hid under the bed. " FINE THEN GO AHEAD AND STARVE"! Lucifer yells out. Mimsy looked worried at her hiding friend. She remembers his past and sighs sadly. Alastor heard him pound the door again before leaving finally. Slowly he gets out. " You ok sweetie". Mimsy asked concerned. " I I don't want to eat with him". Alastor says shaking. Mimsy nods in understanding. " Hey it's not that bad. Once you get to know him-"

" I don't want to get to know him". Alastor said crossing his arms. Neither knew that at this moment Lucifer was watching sadly through his mirror. " He would never love me, a monster, the devil himself. It's hopeless". He buried his face in his hands and sobs.

[railingsofsorrow]

Anti-Hero

[jj maybank x reader]

SONG INSPIRATION » ANTI-HERO by taylor swift

[ part of the “taylor swift anthology”]

summary: with summer comes changes and you all for it. except when those changes brings a truth you don't want to accept. and your best friend is responsible for leaving you intrigued.

or, in which you and jj have become closer during summer, but growing feelings make you push him away. it might take a storm for you to figure out what you really want.

pairings: jj maybank x kook!fem!reader

w.c: 1.9K

warnings/content: insecurities; self doubt (conversations about not deserving someone); mataphors about drowning (nothing bad happens!); a storm™; sarah cameron gives great advice <3

navi

masterpost

A/N: found this in my WIPS and thought it fit anti-hero pretty well. this is my interpretation of the song which I relate a lot. + we got obx s3 being released tmr and this is kind of a celebration to it (I miss my boys and my girls). good reading!

A/N²: poorly edited. I'm sleepy.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

❝ it's me, hi, I'm the

problem, it's me. ❞

➶ ➷

“I see what you do when you get attached, you know?” Sarah broke the silence after a few minutes. Her hair had gotten a lighter shade of blonde over the summer, you noticed.

It wasn't the only thing that changed in Sarah Cameron during the summer. Your best friend had gotten stronger, much different from when she was last year, less judgemental about certain subjects her dad brainwashed her with.

You were proud of her. So incredibly proud for what she had become.

One thing, however, had not changed at all: how well she was able to read you.

You changed as well. For the better? For the worst? You weren't sure. You just know that your friends had become your family more than anyone else in your life. And you were grateful for that. Maybe, they were a big part of your change during the summer, too.

The dirty haired blond with toned body that surfed the harsh waves in front of you was definitely responsible for those changes, too. You couldn't deny it; you just didn't say it out loud.

“Attached to what?” You replied after a while of observing the boy. He hipnotized you some times. JJ Maybank had a way with you you'd never understand fully.

“Attached to someone, romantically.” Sarah specified, giving you a look to let you know she knew you weren't paying attention. “You're doing it to him.”

You shifted on the towel, feeling apprehensive. Sarah had become fucking bold, huh?

No. She had always been like that.

“I don't even know what you're talking about, Sarah.” You said, playing dumb.

“Yes, you do. I can see it in your face. You venture with someone new, have fun, and as soon as your heart gives that little jump you run away.”

You rolled your eyes, turning to look at your other friends who were engaged in a calm conversation. You watched as John B. pecked Sarah's lips and sprinted towards the sea with his board.

“He cares about you. More than you see,” Sarah's smile died down as his boyfriend dove in and she turned to you again, nudging your thigh with hers. “JJ is a good guy, you know? Which, of course, that does not give anyone a hundred percent certainty of no heartbreak—”

You groan, burying your face in the towel as you spun on your back to the sun.

“Sarah—”

“— and if he does break your heart I'll murder him—”

“Sarah!”

“—but you have to think about trying before giving up, alright?” That caught your attention so you lifted your face to stare at her bewildered. She had a look as if she knew something you didn't. “If you don't try, you'll never see if it will be worth it.”

You knew she said it from experience. Her relationship with John B. had been a shot in the dark. Before they came to know each other better. There were hardships, there were bad moments. But there were good ones. A lot of those; you saw it. And the way they looked and cared for one another... It was all worth it.

A shaky sigh left your lips as you say down again. The sun was gone and the clouds painted the sky a dark shade of gray. A storm was coming. You could feel it.

“I don't even know if he wants a relationship with me, Sarah,” you blurted out, pushing your hair back. “And—and even if he did. It would never work out. We're completely different people. Polar opposites. JJ deserves someone that is worth his time.”

The boys were surfing together, now. Hyping each other up. Kiara scolded them because of the storm and ordered them to come back.

“You're blind as fuck to not notice the way he looks at you like you're a fallen star or something,” she rolled her eyes as you started to play with the hem of your bathing suit. “You need to let yourself feel happiness. I like seeing you happy, it's an amazing sight to see my best friend happy, do you know that?”

Laying your head on her shoulder, you let out a long sigh.

“I like seeing you happy, too, Sarah. I love you.”

“Thanks, I love me, too.”

You slap her thigh, gaining a pinch in your arm. Making a face, you retracted your hand to massage the spot. Sarah grinned at you.

“And who the fuck told you you're not worth JJ's time?”

You gave her an eye-roll as your cheeks heat up. You weren't, you knew it. How could you be? You weren't half of the person you wanted to be and he deserved a hundred percent. Of everything.

JJ Maybank did not deserve halves. He deserved the whole fucking sea. What good would it be for him to have someone wearing masks because the skeletons in their closets was too much to bear?

He already had too much on his plate. You wouldn't add to it. You were the problem, not him.

Looking up at the horizon, the clouds were a deep shade of grey. You could hear the soft patter of the rain against the sand. You raised your palm to feel the tears from the sky.

“Hi,”

Sprinkles of cold water landed in your face interrupting your inner monologue. You flinched when it hit your bear back, too. It wasn't the rain. Lifting your sight to glare at dirty blonde hair and a killer smile, your eyes softened without you noticing.

“A beer for your thoughts?” He offered, plotting down next to you. Seems like none of you were bothered by the coming storm, everyone else was either still swimming or splattered around in the sand.

“Thanks,” you accepted the cold bottle with a smile, taking a sip. “Won't share anything, though.”

JJ gave you a pout, “That wasn't the deal.”

“Tough life, baby.”

His lips stretched in a soft smile. It had been a while since you said the petname. It had been a while since you've held a conversation with him, to be honest. For weeks, JJ had been trying to figure it out what he had done, how he attempted to mess up his relationship with you. It would eventually happen, he knew it. He fucks everything up at some point. Blame it on genetics.

Was it something he said? An action? Had he made you uncomfortable?

He didn't know. He just wanted to make it right again. He felt like you were slipping through his fingers, like the drops of rain falling into your hand. And even if he only were able to have your friendship, that's alright; he didn't want to lose you. Never. You were the stable path he had searched for his whole life. he couldn't miss the trail. Not again.

“You alright?” you asked, noticing the small pinch in his eyebrows as he stared unfocused at the sea. Sarah had abandoned you for John B and Kiara, they were racing each other like children. You hadn't seen when Sarah left her spot, only who took it. You haven't decided if you should be happy or frustrated. JJ seemed to show up every time your thoughts reached his persona. Leaving you unprepared.

The rain was starting to pick up. Maybe you should head in to the Chateau.

You didn't move. Neither did him.

“Yeah. Are you?” He threw the question back at you. Tis tone made you drift your attention back to be beer. You glared at it. And you also mentally glared at Sarah and her stupid words that wouldn't leave your mind.You're blind as fuck to not notice the way he looks at you like you're a fallen star or something.

“Why wouldn't I be?”

“I don't know. Can't read your mind.”

“What's the fun if you could?”

“Then I would know what I did wrong.”

You sucked in a breath, meeting his eyes without meaning to. “What?” You knuckles turned white as you held the neck of the bottle tighter. JJ didn't wavered. He was always the brave one. You were always the coward.

“You've been distant,” before you were able to protest, he rushed out, “Maybe I'm reading too much into it, maybe you really are. I don't know. Did I do something to upset you?”

“No,” you said without hesitation. Because he hadn't. What was happening wasn't his fault. “I— I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.” It was yours. So for the first time —blame it on Sarah-Motherfucking-Cameron—you chose to own the truth instead of offering the easy lie.

His eyes softened. He could see the struggle in your eyes. “Are you sure? 'Cause I can handle it. You don't have to pretend I didn't fucked it up for my sake,” JJ knew you too well to know you would rather be silent than to hurt anyone with your words. Even if it would hurt you. He didn't want it with him. He wanted you to be okay. Truly okay. No masks or lies needed.

“JJ,” you whispered. “You did nothing wrong. I'm just— I'm confused, it's all. It's not your fault, if anything, it's mine.”

He frowned, “Why would it be your fault?”

You sighed, “I distanced myself. from you. I didn't meant to, but I did. It wasn't anything you did. At least not like you think.”

“Not like I think?”

You chuckled at his puzzled look.

“I care about you, JJ. So we should give up from this and just, move on to another subject. An easier one.” You pleaded.

He rasied his eyebrows, “I don't want to move on from this yet,” he felt a bit bold. “Why did you distanced yourself if it wasn't something I did?”

You stayed quiet, watching his fingers pull his now-wet strands back. Your own hair was starting to stick to your shoulders and back because of the rain. It was getting stronger. But your body was frozen because you were caught off guard. You weren't expecting this conversation to arrive today. Or ever. You would never be prepared for this.

“It was easier.”

“Easier?”

“Yes.”

“Why was it easier to be away from me?”

“Because I was drowning and even if I know how to swim I'm not sure I want to.”

Oh.

Oh.

JJ was in desperate need of your full attention now. But you wouldn't meet his eyes as hard as he burned his onto your face. He was searching for answers.

“That's fine,” he said carefully, scared to drive you away again. “You don't have to keep swimming. You can just... stay afloat for a while. Rest your breath. You won't drown.” The water of the sky tasted salty in his tongue. He observed your profile paint with drops and refrained from brushing a thumb against it.

I've been drowning since the first moment I laid eyes on you. You thought, blinking fast when the rain started to lnd in your eyelashes.

“I can't stay afloat,” you croaked out softly.

“I can help you with that,” you gazed up at him. “It's not hard,” he said with a soft smile, his palm capturing a bit of the storm like you were doing previously. “You just have to believe for a second and relax. Let your mind free, you know? I'll be there the whole time, if you let me.”

Please, let me.

Please.

“What if I drift from the shore?” You frown when his hair fell right into his eyes, drenched. Holding yourself back to not push it back.

“I'll swim and bring you back.”

I'd dive into the end of the ocean to find you. JJ thought.

“I could be too far gone, Maybank.”

Because you're the antihero in your story. You sabotage and you bargain your love life for the sake of being lonely. Simply because you couldn't handle being out of control. Or being reciprocated. It was terrifying to not be loved back. But it was even more terrifying to be loved.

“Never.” he shook his head. “Only if you want to be. Do you want to be?”

Too far gone from you? No.

Never.

I can't. Not anymore.

“No,” you admit after a while. Gaze glued to his. “I don't want to be too far.”

He hums, “Then I won't let you drift away. Do you trust me?” He asked, brushing a stray strand behind your ear.

“I do,” you feel a smile creeping in your face. “Of course, I do.”

He was grinning, a happy glint in his blue eyes. Even with the rain brushing against his face like tears. He was beautiful. “Well, then we don't have much to worry about, do we?”

“No, I don't think we do.”

The storm didn't diminished. And you didn't move. Maybe you could swim close to the shore, after all.

➶ ➷

A/N: part two?