#having an horrific day lol
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I could simply cry forever
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hello. um. sorry for disappearing for like two months. imagine me getting hit with a truck called “The Worst Creative Block In Your Life” and getting thrown headfirst into the gintama rabbit hole. it’s quite cozy down here. i think i need help.
anyways, have a bunch of accumulated doodles plus this terrifying kagura as apology tehe :3
#well tbh the trigun fandom kinda burned me out as well#i couldn’t really keep up so i just. didn’t lol#kinda hated drawing for a bit after that but gintama’s been really good for me in that way#while i still really really wanna draw for it and i have a ton of doodles for it#i don’t really feel the need to keep up in a sense#i can just enjoy it at my own pace#(at my own pace being binging like 10 episodes a day)#but hey i need to at least try and take it easy before college yk#but now im horrifically attached to the entire cast and will cry if this so called comedy series even becomes a hint emotional#so you know#the usual#thanks for sticking around regardless!#i know i kinda flip flop a bunch between interests#but im glad to know you guys still wanna stick with me through them all#ily <3#sakata gintoki#kagura#shimura shinpachi#yorozuya#gintama#ok bye
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#poll#yes this is 100% bc i wanted to jump into the vanilla extract meme#i also was thinking of some kind of bug poll to make lol.#at the end i will draw whatever horrific creature we have created#wish there was like#a 3 day option#instead of just 1 day or 1 week#chit chat
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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Try litter box training too? I litter boxed my dog and it was a godsend for especially rainy days/ the occasional snow day(my dog won’t go out in the rain). You can find litter tray/ open boxes with higher walls.
i am definitely not litter training what is soon going to be a 70lb dog haha. I don’t mind putting on a coat and taking my dogs out in the rain, it’s just one of the parts of dog-ownership I accept having to deal with. we’ll get through it fine! I do know some small/toy breeds that use litter happily, but it’s never been an appealing option for me.
#not trying to be snarky bc I do appreciate you offering! But that’s a solid no from me lol#I refuse to even use potty pad training I am all-in on having dogs go outside every time from day 1#Boone could pee for literally 40-seconds plus at a time and the mental image of containing that in a box. horrific.
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me rn:
#✨praise be✨ to nghy!!!!!! ✨nghy f o r e v e r✨#it’s really nice to see more nghy supporters on the horrific birdsite in these trying times~~~~~~~~#g. granted yesterday’s mv d i d make some nghy shippers jump ship to. uh. lhy. but.#eff tee four twt has (un)surprisingly(?) taken the side of their fellow sicks in this hiyoship naval battle which is n i c e#didn’t appreciate seeing that one thread that insinuated that the nghy plotline was canon divergence bc ‘lhy canon’#bc. man. bringing up koiiro in this day and age when it’s been said that yujiro and hiyo’s appearance at the end was only to indicate#the start of a new gen is. kinda detrimental to your argument?#but. hm. tbf it’s very easy to pick and choose what’s canon and not in this series lol#like. 3/4 of official content is found in supplementary material (novels; manga; staff interviews; etc) outside of the mvs#so i think sane people who have better things to do with their lives than obsess over a lil’ country girl and her complicated relationships…#both romantic-wise (with nagisa) and friendship-wise (with lxl in gen and that chizuconflict) could potentially miss the full picture#about the gen 3 relationship lore and such…#man. if only honeypre didn’t eos. it could’ve saved canon continuity. it adapted all the other media (sans lxl movie) really well…#a n d it even gave us ship developments for ariken that are still referenced today (their first kiss being arisa’s cheek kiss to ken)#either way. i’m now expecting them to address yesterday’s mv in an interview when they inevitably release their next charasong album lol#especially since they’re nagisa’s biggest cheerleaders!!!!!!! c’mon hw support your main man!!!!!!!#ok yup that’s enough interwebs for one day time to binge niji.gaku s2—
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Anybody else slowly disassociating more and more as you slowly lose all of your touchstones in this world?
#it can't be just me right#also i am stoned and can't sleep why is it already past 2am damn#disassociation#no close family any more#one half sister where we have a weird relationship because i basically raised her for a while#so when we're around each other we just remind each other of our horrific childhoods and various mental health issues from that#all of my friends either live too far away are too busy with their own lives and loves (understandable) or have just forgotten me#starting to feel like I imagined that whole fling with d#but geez it'd be pretty pathetic if even a romance I made up in my head didn't end up with someone choosing me#then again I have trouble enjoying fantasies too far from the realm of possibility and maybe it's just not realistic to have someone want me#as more than a passing entertainment lol#anyway every day i feel less like a real person and more like a ghost or something imaginary or like a stranger in my own body#dang man i wish i could afford therapy i probably could use some huh#although my last therapist was pretty lackluster honestly#mental health#life of faye
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also on that end though - it does always surprise me when white people completely and utterly miss mixed race coding in like books and other fiction. which i guess i shouldnt be surprised because of how bad they are with any racial coding at all really like (gestures vaguely at the hunger games rue situation for the past 15 years) but like straight up they dont see it? they don't even see...
#the rue situation was nuts and horrifically racist but also so so bizarre like okay. i read the hunger games by having my 6th grade teacher#read it to our whole class a chapter a day and even in all her mispronunciations of every character name (she said cinna like CHEE-nah)#(went italian with it i guess.... also effie as EE-fee - etc) and the fact that i was 11 i remember CLEARLY that she was discribed as#having dark skin and dark curly hair and put two and two together that she was black. like. hello. can anyone here me. its so dark in here.#but in a much less horribly antiblack and racist situation ONE TIME my (white) mom tried reading a book i really really loved in 8th grade#a victorian ish period young adult novel about a spy girl and like the main character spy also was half white and half chinese iirc#and in like the beginning theres a bit where shes getting questions about her features and for safety reasons she plays it off that she#got it from her irish mother i think. and i read that when i was 12 and saw how she was written to be nervous saying that#and put two and two together and was like oh shes mixed race cool. and then later in the book it was plot relevant and then spelled out#but when my mom read the beginning i mentioned offhandedly that oh i loved that book as a kid cause it was fun and i thought it was cool#to see a mixed race main character in a fun basic spy thriller story like this and my mom was so confused like but shes irish?#and i was like. oh. um. maybe. and waited until she finished the whole book where it was fully spelled out for her to get it LOL#like it wasnt bad or anything it was just a surprise. my mom did understand it when it was spelled out later and thought it was neat#i mean she does have mixed race children after all (meeeeee LOL) but i was like so confused. i like. forgot. that white people dont#think about this stuff that often or at all by default so they just dont see it when its in front of them.#<- mixed race guy who rediscovers the concept of the white default brand new every day
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I'm going to a winter semi-formal event this weekend and have the option to wear nice trousers (classy), nice trousers (edgy), or a skater(ish) skirt
#idk I'm leaning toward the skirt but I HATE wearing tights and I don't have any good ones. so I'd be horrifically#uncomfortable ALL DAY. but the pleather pants squeak when I walk so that's kinda goofy lol#and I hate how I look in wide leg trousers but they'd probably be the most comfortable of my options#so. there is not a win-win option here at all unfortunately. *shrugs'#**#Lu rambles
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it is SO frustrating to watch my fatigue get worse and worse and feel like i can do nothing to stop it :((( it makes me feel even more tired and hopeless. i feel trapped in a body that's had enough and doesn't want to do anything anymore. i used to do so much, i used to be so active.. yesterday i opened up to my direct boss abt it and they looked at me and said "girl this job is not right for you" as if i haven't been telling everyone around me that for over a year now
#getting a shower this morning made me ache so bad lol like that's not normal. this shouldn't be my reality#granted yesterday was easily the worst day of work that i've ever had. it was Horrific#ik i complain abt my fatigue a lot but you have to understand that it's gotten so bad so fast and all bc of this fuckass job
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nothing more startling/embarrassing than when you tell someone you're the author of a fic and they've already read it.
#like please tell me everything you liked about it#or didnt like#i definitely wont internalize it#sometimes i wonder if any of you guys have read my fics#a horrific prospect really#hush lumi#this was abt a conno zane and i had the other day#and i thought abt it again lol
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Space Dementia - Riviera Theatre, Chicago - Oct. 11, 2022
#took me long enough to make these didn't it?#muse#muse band#matt bellamy#dom howard#chris wolstenholme#space dementia#wotp era#wotp#riviera theatre#chicago#they were playing it at some other theatre gigs so i knew it was on the table but god damn i could nOT believe it was happening at the time#this and assassin gobe i was just like no fucking way no fucking waaaaayyy im seeing this right now#so fucking incredble#also someone said it in the past few months but how DOES matt just stand up from kneeling so effortlessly??#like im in my 20s he's in his 40s and for me to get up i have to shift my weight for momentum and use one hand on my knee at least lmao#impressive tbh#maybe some day i'll get the perfect piano angle that isn't horrifically pixelated by digital zoom but not this time lol#happy with the guitar transition tho ouo oh man that lighting#my footage#flashing#strobes#gif
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Some souls are bound by destiny. From the moment they meet, a thread of fate connects them which none may tear asunder. But what if you could see that thread? What if that thread - and the one it ties you to - is all you have to cling onto in a world that threatens to pull apart at the seams? Would you keep hold of that thread, trust in the powers-that-be that this MUST happen, regardless of what your love might say? Or would you let it all go, and cut yourself adrift from the one thing you care about most in the whole world, so they could be happy? Would you accept Destiny... or embrace Doom?
Here's more drabble about Ralsei - now in a strange two-shot style thingy! It's its own thing because I liked the idea of pairing these together and that couldn't really be done very elegantly within the larger scope of the Dark Menagerie. Consider it a benign offshoot of that style of fic, if you like :p
Also horray the title of the fics show up in the links again instead of that vaguely-ominious "New Session" it said before! Party poppers and balloon animals all around :D
#ao3 post#fiction#fanfiction#deltarune#Ralsei#Kralsei#Krisei#drabble#character study#destiny#love#two shot#mirrored narratives#I actually really want to write a “proper” fic covering this subject one day#There's so much promise inherent in this premise#It'd be the most angsty and horrific thing I'll have ever written :D#Not to detract from this work but I've been thinking about it for a short while now#So be warned I guess lol
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prefacing this by saying im fine and its whatever and im mostly numb to it. but it kinda fucking sucks that being gaslit about my own sexuality leads to… doubting my own sexuality lol!
#purrs#just went to my first ever lavender graduation ceremony and had a convo w my dad after that touched on the EXACT horrors lol like i need to#learn to not bring this shit up around my parents bc they’re just gonna say the same things. and also it doesn’t matter bc idc about labels#and (to quote ricky) it’s a conversation not a constant. but like fucking hell. just bc ive never ‘’’’’’been with anybody’’’’’’ doesn’t#mean that i can’t know im not straight. the HORRIFIC psychic damage that did to me 5 years ago this month. the way i can’t think about#sexuality or being part of the lgbtq community since and like before then when that happened i thought i was a lesbian and was gonna try to#get involved with the school lgbtq student union . like it’s so ficking stupid and sad. and i can’t trust myself anymore i can’t tell if#anything ive ever felt for anyone is actually real bc according to my (straight and biphobic) parents ‘crushes don’t count’ and i haven’t#even had a crush in months anyway and yeah ive never ‘been with’ anybody. but like god damn. you DO NOT get to tell me i have to call myself#questioning. yeah im questioning but only i can call it that and only if i want to. i get to know me. i get to call me what i am. which also#means i get to work through the years of psychic damage this thread of conversation coming from my own parents has done to me#but i own that. i want to own that. ive had the feelings i have had. maybe they were wrong and misplaced and maybe there are other ways to#interpret them like me jus t having projection issues and whatever. but they were real to me and are real to me and shape how i show up#every single day. i get to know myself. i get to call myself what i am. even though you’re my parents you don’t get to tell me that. and you#should be sorry for how fucked in the head this has made me and how cut off i have become from other people who have felt what i have felt#and from the parts of myself that felt and hurt and loved. like lolllll. i was in a good mood and then that happened and now my heart hurts.#delete later#like i don’t talk abt this shit anymore for a reason 🤪✌️ i am not involved in lgbtq groups or communities online or offline for a reason 🤪✌️#and it’s yet another manifestation of impostor syndrome too like. ppl wonder why im like this…. there is a very good reason 💖
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My town had an indie band coming in for a free concert night and I go because I've never really been to a concert and its all good and fun till the lead singer started preaching about the Bible and how the world is messed up cause we've separated from god. What sucks is that I actually liked the band and they had some good songs that are really motivational but I don't like that they don't specify that they're a Christian band till during the concert.
#like they had a pep rally at our school to promote them and throughput the whole day theyve never said this was about christianity till now#also how is faith in god the reason why people are bad? are we not gonna look at the people wgo have done horrific things “for god”#id like to talk with people about their faith and beliefs but really? this is how you do it?#had some typos in tags but im not rewriteing them lol
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hey guys! how do i repay the debt that must be paid
#srs#had an ex boyfriend of mine text me something random out of the blue yesterday#we haven’t talked in two years and ended on horrifically bad terms . like horrible terms. and it was my fault too#i have gone through a lot of very VERY painful emotional growth since then and i also feel guilty every day#like i literally think about the situation i caused multiple times a day and i literally dream about it most nights like EMOTIONAL dreams#and so i have been desperate to apologize#but haven’t yet because i wasn’t sure i was ready and also did not want to infringe on his boundary by putting myself back into his life#but have had a very strong feeling Something was near#and then HE texted ME for something he did NOT have to text me about#and now i am like . okay . the universe said ‘you’re not doing this fast enough bitch’#but i still don’t know how to apologize#properly#without like coming across as just Talking About Myself#maybe i’m overthinking it#but hey! deeply haunted 19 yo who needs some life advice here lol#lol
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