#having a bpd identity crisis

[salemontrial]

Why the FUCK didn't Sasha apologize to Quinni.

[goldengodcannibal]

"everybody also definitely constantly asks themselves what it means to be a human or a person, and they definitely also always ask themselves who they actually are or what makes them"

- me, in denial

[iwishiknewyouwantedmeuh]

Is being a compulsive liar also a bpd trait?

[astergh0st]

i want to move freely through the air and to pass through solid objects as one would swim through water. the only evidence of my existence should be the cold night mist that you could swear you were being watched by. my body was born wrong. i was meant to have horns, wings, more eyes, more limbs, no body at all, even… no, i don’t know what went wrong. i am sick. i cannot tell if i am desperate to be human again, (or maybe for the first time?), or if i am yearning to be the real, inhuman, me.

however wrong i may see myself, i hope i am right in your eyes.

[bpd4losers]

leaving a job when you have bpd is so hard like. for the last year and a half my personality has been mostly defined by Working At This Place and now i’m just??? not going to be Working At This Place anymore??? who the fuck am i

[rosereign]

Some days I dress like hachi and other days I dress like nana

[abyssal-werewolf]

Fluid kintypes - identity doesn't need to be static

I used to be a wolf, once. Not in a past-life sense, but in a therian sense - I was a wolf therian and then I wasn't. Sounds weird to you? I'm not surprised!

Something that I have repeatedly been told by other therians and otherkin is "you are what you are and if you find out you are something else - well, then you never were the first thing at all." Especially when I joined the community several years ago, I saw this statement everywhere. But let me tell you: it's not true. I had several different kintypes over the years (side note: we are plural and for the sake of this post I am simplifying some internal structure things. if you want the complicated details, feel free to ask! /gen), started as a wolf therian, then I was a cryptid, a dinosaur, a dragon and some kind of monster. Now I am Khhanivore (from Love, Death and Robots) and Mewtu (from Pokemon, Mewtu is the German spelling) - and a raptor kintype is coming back. (I am also a werewolf, but that's not a kintype, that's just Purely Me And My Whole Essence)

"Okay Istasha, but isn't that just questioning or maybe flickertypes?", you might ask. Fair point, but no.

I honestly never really questioned my kintypes - if I truly question something, it turns out to either be a hearttype or Nothing at All. As for kintypes, I just know - all of us just know what we are, it's like chilling and one day, suddenly, one of us is like "oh, I am a horse. alright, carry on" and that's it. Our kintypes stay with us for several months at least, theoretically they could stay forever but tend to change along the way - which brings me to the next point. They aren't flickertypes either. We only really get fictionflickers and sometimes animalflickers and those are extremely short and always tied to media we are currently consuming - they feel, technically, like kintypes to me. For example, if I watch a lot of Supernatural, I sometimes get an intense feeling of belonging there, of being a non-canon character, of being part of the story, etc. I am this non-canon character in that moment, I might even get pseudo-memories or shifts, but as soon as I don't engage with that show too much again, it instantly fades.

Our kintypes don't work like that. Take my re-emerging dinosaur kintype as an example. I was walking somewhere a few days ago and suddenly had a pahntom sensation in my legs and feet and in the same moment I knew "ah shit, new kintype". I gave it a day because maaayyybe it's nothing? But deep down I already knew what was going on, so I have an Utahraptor kintype now. I am this. I identify as this through and through and it feels like I've always been this way. But it wasn't - a week ago I wasn't a dinosaur and now I am. I did not choose it, I did not engage with any dinosaur media at all, it just happened.

My kintypes have always been changing and trust me when I say I had a complete identity crisis when my wolf kintype first went away. But over the years Ive learned to accepot it - my identy is not static, it never was and it never will be and that's okay!

It doesn't make my kintypes less important or less real and it also doesn't mean I never was a wolf. I was. And then I wasn't.

I honestly think it is so, so damaging to still have this "kintypes are static"-sentient floating around in the community, because that's simply not true for all of us. For me, it honestly even makes more sense this way. Our brain has always been unstable, I lacked a true identity for so long. We grew up with untreated BPD andf although the symptoms are 95% under my control now (read: it's in remission), our brain still has a ton of habits from that time, like clinging onto different things to try and form an identity, to try and fill the void where a person should be. And the fact that the void is filled now, that I finally am enough of a person to fill it, this habit never changed. Our brain still randomly grabs things and makes them one of us, leading to fluid kintypes.

Let me end this with saying: being wrong about a kintype is fine. Figuring out you are X instaed of Y and never were Y is fine. But it is also fine to be X today and Y tomorrow.

I think I've said this before but I'll say it again: we, as a community, need to take our identities less and more serious at the same time. Let's stop the gatekeeping and policing others, let's stop overanalyzing ourselves so much. Let's stop looking for rules and asking "is it possible to be this?" over and over again - because the answer is yes. There are literally no rules as to how, why and what you can be. In order to be otherkin you need to do exactly one thing: identify as The Thing in question. Nothing else. On the other hand, we need to kindly educate those who confuse identify as and identify with, we need to kindly educate young therians who "choose their theriotypes", we need to make sure we are not watered down to being "a fun thing you can do".

I sometimes feel like the focus and effort of this community is in good faith but in the wrong place - static kintypes is one of them.

There are no limits. Be who you are today and if you are something else tomorrow, be that then. <3

[zahri-melitor]

I am trying to fit this time line of self destruction on Dick's part together and seriously events seem to go like this:-

Nightwing #80-82 (June-Aug 2003): Slade turns up to harass Dick in Bludhaven, Dick is fired from the BPD.

Outsiders #1 (Aug 2003): Roy asks Dick to join Outsiders and promises that he doesn't need to be friends/family with the team. (Roy is unknowingly being fed targets by Slade)

Outsiders #5 (Dec 2003): Roy gets shot 5 times in the chest, Dick feels guilt over it and has to take full charge of the team.

Outsiders #6 (Jan 2004): The Outsiders have to allow the entire inhabitants of the Slab to break out and escape as the Slab is destroyed. The team are blamed in the media for this.

Nightwing #87 (Jan 2004): Babs tells Dick they need to take a break.

Nightwing #88 (Feb 2004): Haly's Circus burns down.

Nightwing #89 (March 2004): Dick's apartment building blows up killing all residents apart from Dick and Amygdala.

Nightwing #93 (July 2004): Dick turns away as Catalina shoots Blockbuster, Dick has a panic attack, Catalina comes to find Dick on the rooftop as he despairs and she sexually assaults Dick.

Nightwing #95 (Sep 2004): Catalina tries to pressure Dick into marrying her, is blocked by Bruce calling Dick to come back to Gotham due to War Games.

War Games (Oct-Dec 2004): Dick has to fight a gang war and is assigned by Bruce to work with Catalina through it as Dick hasn't spoken to Bruce about what happened. Dick ends up with a serious leg injury.

Outsiders #19-20 (Feb-Mar 2005): Lian is kidnapped by child slavers and rescued. (Arguably could take place prior to War Games)

Outsiders #20-22 (Mar-May 2005): Bruce revealed to be funding the Outsiders, Dick goes and yells at Bruce about this, Slade revealed to have been funneling information to Roy and pretending to be Batman. (Again cannot be long after War Games, probably before)

Nightwing #100 (Feb 2005): Dick and Babs officially break up, Dick walks away from being a superhero, Dick has not spoken to Bruce.

Teen Titans & Outsiders #24-25 (July-Aug 2005): Both teams have characters get controlled - Kon by Lex and Indigo by Brainiac 8, at the end of the storyline Dick quits. This has to be after Identity Crisis but must be not long after Nightwing #100 given Dick has not yet gone undercover. Also Dick has theoretically been hiding a leg injury and brace for a period here.

Outsiders #26 (Sep 2005): Dick has sex with Kory.

Nightwing #107 (June 2005): Dick is now undercover with the mob and has been for some time. MUST come after the events above.

Nightwing #112 (Nov 2005): Slade talks Dick into training Rose.

Nightwing #114 (Jan 2006): Roy turns up, mad, and argues with Dick to come back.

Nightwing #116: (March 2006): Bludhaven has gone boom. Thanks so much, Slade.

TL:DR; there's a whole chunk of Outsiders in 2005 that has to have happened approximately around War Games due to Dick's knee injury, and since Teen Titans spent six months of title hopping through time immediately prior, you can shift both titles for their crossover right up to very shortly after War Games/Identity Crisis in terms of 'Jack is dead but Dick's not yet undercover'.

Actually thinking about it more, it's even more complicated than that, because Teen Titans #20 suggests Outsiders #16 occurred after it, unless Kory's been simultaneously on both teams. I think I have to read this as Kory has been on both teams at the same time to make any of this make sense.

This results in Dick having broke up officially with Babs and then almost immediately had Bad Idea Sex with Kory (after also having been assaulted by Catalina at least once and potentially multiple times while he's in the daze where Catalina tries to convince him that they should get married).

(Seriously why is everyone in Outsiders having random sex with people who are a Very Bad Idea)

[autistook]

I NEED AN OPINION ON SEXUALITY

so a lesbian just told me that I can't be a lesbian (also said that it just sounds like I'm not having an identity crisis, that its just my BPD) because I have:

male celebrity crushes

previously have had sex with men (which btw, I did not like because its a MAN I just like penetration, the man part has always grossed me out, shutting my eyes during sex and whatnot, thinking abt women during)

because i don't find men repulsive, that I can see them as objectively attractive

because i write straight smut

they also said that someone can't be a lesbian if they like sex with trans women who have not gone through surgery, which... is just terf behavior and disgusting in my opinion, but she cut so deep in my insecurities and self doubts that I started to sob so

Can I still possibly be a lesbian despite all those things?

[aydien677]

My own little Psychological Headcannons on the brothers.

A/N: oh my God this is a lot.

Warnings: lots of mental health stuff, like, lots

Ok so I believe Lucifer has ptsd of the complex variety, maybe Bipolar, anxious and severely depressed as well with possible BPD and definitely autism and he will definitely have oldest child syndrome. His brothers don’t appreciate him as much as they should and he seems to rarely ever get hugs since even though he is doing what he thinks is best for them they do their best to ruin his day. He feels anxious he isn’t doing good enough for his brothers and that they’ll get hurt because of this. He’ll blame yourself for everything bad that happens to them. He has a lot of pressure to do everything for your siblings and his needs were put last as his brothers don’t appreciate you as much as they should and even now he’ll put himself last and will overwork himself for his brothers often not eating or sleeping like he should. Whenever his brothers are threatened he will immediately go into fight or flight always choosing fight as if it’s been drilled into him that he doesn’t matter and his brothers come first. That’s why he’ll act tough because he feels guilty for being vulnerable because that makes him feel unfit to protect his brothers and they’ll think he is weak and leave him for showing some emotional vulnerability making him unable to protect them when they leave. He has also turned to borderline alcoholism to help relieve some of his stress and anxiety because he never actually had the time to get over his trauma and learn to take care of himself. Yet most importantly it seems that his brothers are his only will to live.

Then Mammons hyperactive Adhd is mostly what’s fucking him over because he can start something but will quickly loose interest causing it to fail because he can’t follow through and adhd can make you more likely to get addicted to things in Mams case it’s the casino but being the Avatar of Greed also plays a part because he feels like he’s missing something so he’s likely using possessions to try and fix it when he’s really just missing affection because he is used as an emotional punching bag by your brothers and this also caused him to have BPD, major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. Since He is mostly used as an emotional punching bag which is not good for him and he hardly ever properly retaliates. This is because he wants to believe you all care but he has a hard time believing it making him even more depressed and anxious especially after Michael pretty much abandoned and bad mouthed him . Despite his grades He is very smart and it’s mostly just his adhd. This can mostly be solved by more positive reinforcement and accommodations for his adhd.

Levi has autism and anxiety and as the Avatar of Envy he is likely jealous of who he used to be but can’t explain that part so he’s just miserable and depressed but at least he’s more open about how he feels especially his anxiety. He really just needs someone to listen to him. Did I mention autism?

Satan is a walking autistic existential identity crisis and as the Avatar of Wrath he is mostly angry because he is confused about why he exists and it’s also why his main comfort is books because they explain things and he’s using escapism as a coping mechanism. He needs reassurance that he is his own person and not a carbon copy of someone else. It’s seen over and over that Satan loves books and that he believes Knowledge is power but he doesn’t have the knowledge of how he came into existence except for the fact he split from Lucifer.

Asmo is the healthiest with his self care but he has histrionic personality disorder and as the Avatar of Lust he is likely trying to Fuck away his feelings so to speak so he doesn’t have to think about it but then again his self care is also his greatest weakness since he believes that if people cannot see how pretty he is what else do they have to go by. His face is his mask and he thinks his mask is all people will ever see. They can't see what's underneath because he thinks that it does not matter.

Beel is mostly just depressed and his guilt likely forms as a pit in his stomach which could also be mistaken for hunger so as the Avatar of gluttony he tries to eat to get rid of that pit of guilt. Belphie is depressed and has inattentive Adhd and if you’re too busy sleeping you don’t have to acknowledge reality of loosing Lilith and his coping mechanism is pretty fitting for the avatar of sloth.

[qurbanjaan]

Vent ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

It saddens me to see so many people on Tumblr pretending and/or self diagnose themselves with serious mental conditions and treat it as a personality trait and most of the times don’t even take time to research about what they’re pretending to have. No, you don’t have CPTSD/BPD because “omg so me, I’m a crazy possessive girl too🎀”. Those issues are based on severe trauma and genetics, you most likely don’t have it and you should be happy not to.

If I exit therapy, I will start losing people around me again because I tend to make relationships unstable and only very patient people that actually see I have a disorder can deal with me, I self harm to be sure I’m real because I can’t connect my mind to my body and seeing my blood is the closest I get to it and even with one year of therapy my psychologist couldn’t find a way to make me realize I’m real and connect me to my body, I do things I don’t want to do, I have random crisis and gut wrenching emotions that come out of nowhere, I have tachycardia, anxiety, I can’t sleep at night and I have nightmares every day, my brain is permanently damaged to a point you can see it through MRI scan, I’m hyper vigilant, paranoid, can’t go out alone because I have panic attacks, I have hallucinations and sometimes I enter psychotic episodes, I dissociate and I have memory lapses. I have no identity of my own and I oscillate between totally different people from day to night, I have fragile self esteem and I tend to be emotionally manipulative the second someone I love gets angry at me and I feel so desolated that I cry copiously, I am emotionally dependent on people and I get desolated and depressed at the slightest inconvenience. People like me end up socially estranged and hated by people like you, that pretend to have an issue. We are those weird classmates you have that you mock.

Please stop making “BPD flag <3” “PTSD flag^.^”, you’re ridiculous and you have no idea how hard it is for people like me to exist and improve ourselves. People get tired of people like me and you are so fucking cruel to pretend to have those issues because you simply can’t know what it is to need to improve yourself to be socially acceptable and be able to have relationships simply because YOU need to learn how to act and not because other people are mean. WE are the issue and it hurts to see y’all doing it.

[kilobaxis-blog]

Why I think Donnie 2012 has BPD too

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BEFORE I START THIS . I'm aware donnie has OCD CANNONICALLY but the OCD and BPD comorbidity, although not studied often, occurs often. About 15–44% (NIH Joshi, Gagan).

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

I feel like this is the most dominant criterion for BPD. Donnie displays this by formulating elaborate plans to prevent april from not hanging out with him and saving her father after he got mutated --which I am aware is mostly because he's a good person and wants to save another human being-- but also it's pretty obvious he thinks this will bring her back to him.

RSD ( rejection sensitive dysphoria) is also VERY prominent in people with bpd. This is shown in episode 10 Fungus Humungous. Not just the rejection of April but of people all together seeing that april in the first few seasons is represented more of a concept to him rather than somebody he actually loves.

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I think it's safe to say the relationship april and donnie has is unstable. Mostly on donnie's end. He is shown to idealize her often but also has snapped on her once in the show when she didn't act/respond the way he wanted her to in season 1 episode 9. All of this is mostly in Donnie's head because the feelings aren't reciprocated, but the relationship for him at least is very intense and he has intense feelings about it.

3. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Donnie has A LOT of mood swings throughout the series. More than any of his other siblings and not saying a lot because of raph. It's mostly just anxiety and irritability that only lasts a few moments in the episode.

4. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I think Donnie displays paranoid ideation wich is characterized by persistent thoughts of distrust or suspicion. This is usually targeted at casey (the love rival) but sometimes it's inappropriate when casey and april are just standing next to one another.

5.Impulsive behavior in 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging.

Donnie is a teenage boy so this is a strech but I've seen him be impulsive with driving and making rash decisions in the heat of the moment. This is not to be confused with this compulses wich is diffrent from impulsive behavior.

6.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

This one was kind of hard and maybe also a bit of a stretch because I do feel like Donnie does have a sense of self but when it's challenged he has an identity crisis and it sends him spiraling. When he can't fix something right away the one thing he thinks he's really good

at he begins to doubt his self immediately. This often occurs with people with BPD because we might lach on to one aspect of ourselves to have some sense of identity but when it's disturbed we get very discouraged/ depressed.

[iwishiknewyouwantedmeuh]

The girls with toxic mums and absent dads.

[klspacecadet]

I think if I ever posted a picture of myself in a non-voltron corner of the internet and people commented shit like “omg keith from voltron?” “you look like keith kogane” “its literally keith omg” “KEITH???” I think i would explode on the spot

i think my brain would release the most dopamine ever released in my life and I’ve done opiates

like you dont understand how insane i would go i might have a stimming attack or something i just wouldnt be able to handle it

“would you rather have a fairy tale relationship or constantly get compared to keith kogane online?” KEITH.

I’m sorry guys my bpd is acting up again and I’m projecting onto a character it will happen again

(in 2022 i was “atsumu irl” and blocked all atsumu kinnies because i was just like him fr?? identity crisis who? and now its happening again help me)

[misscammiedawn]

You may have discussed it before, but would you mind speaking a little bit on how you discovered you have DID?

I feel like I have a pretty stable core identity but there have been times under intense stress where I’ve experienced sudden “switches” in my personality. During a particularly bad period for a little over a year there was a time where I distinctly felt like a different person and did things I wouldn’t normally do, and I remember the specific moment where I came back into my body and became “me” again. This doesn’t happen often, but it has happened more than once throughout my life. When I see people talk about plurality I feel a little confused because their identities often seem to have their own names and genders and ages and backstories, and it seems so cut-and-dry.

I know these are all things to discuss with my therapist but I love how you talk about your own experiences. How can you differentiate between DID and other kinds of dissociation?

Thank you for asking, anon! I'm glad you are going to talk to your therapist about it while also doing the reading and reaching out-- heaven knows our own journey within the US mental healthcare system was rocky at best. The latest chapter of Madison/Belladonna is heavily sourced from IRL circumstances both in receiving the diagnosis and the decades long journey in the mental healthcare system to get there.

But to answer more directly-- (as always we are answering from a psychopathology lens for care and treatment, we recognize the beauty of plurality and do not reduce ALL experiences to mental healthcare concerns, we are approaching our own situation and experiences this way as it is how we lived it)

Our journey was guided from the outside. Both therapists and our partner who was able to see these "mood swings" in us were able to gently guide us to water despite our fierce denial and rejection of our situation. What started as "we're fine" turned to "mood swings" turned to "BPD" turned to "---maybe we should read up on OSDD?" Turned to our current therapist telling us over a year ago that we had DID after months of testing and interviewing to determine.

I should also note I likely realized it MULTIPLE times in my history and buried it again and again. I legitimately think that people in my former life knew and either assumed I knew too or worse I had told them and forgot that I told them. It worries me because I cannot ever be certain. I once asked my ex-wife about it after the divorce/diagnosis and she did say it was weird how she had a "different husband" depending on environment and social group. She said she never noticed it during the interactions, but she would always think back and feel that the "me" in any given moment was different from the ones she observed in social/work situations etc.

So like--- even if people notice, sometimes they don't even realize what they're seeing. Honestly I go full No Mask at work even when a male part fronts and no one really bats an eye. I don't think *most* people are as observant as we worry they are.

ANYWAY! Looking back these are the signs that I ignored:

- I not just wrote a consistent journal through every phase of my life (even going as far as to have a "memory list" that I populated "when I felt like it" (<- IE: when a part that associated with the memory was fronting and wanted to type about it) and more importantly I READ it. Often. I sometimes think that the majority of our memories are just imagined versions of what we wrote. That notion is helped by the fact we [used to] stop journaling during times of crisis or delete journal/chat log to prevent us thinking about distressing things.

- I wrote a lot of plural characters in my stories since my teenage years. Kinda like I kept writing female versions of myself? Funny how the Trans and DID acceptance arcs are so dang similar.

- I would emotionally cave in on myself after gatherings, berating myself for how I had acted all evening. Getting deeply upset at how "out of control" I was. We outright AVOID mood altering substances like alcohol or weed.

- When talking about traumatic memories we typically just tell the story rote. It doesn't bother us. We told therapists without batting an eyelid. This is dissociation. We were disconnecting ourselves from our memories. Emotionally distancing ourselves from the experiences.

- In the same vein, when we remember things we imagine things in locations like a 3rd person camera. Not populated. We don't hear or feel or associate. It's just a place and a knowledge. Our whole "context packet" thing where we just understand something without *feeling* it.

- Deleted emails and chatlogs, references to things we don't remember. Discord messages with people we don't remember talking to. It bothers me how many people in our online communities we were actually close to at some stage of our life and then erased. This is specific to us but Dawn has opened many accounts in the hypnokink community and Camden has shut them down and this has happened so many times that we don't even get upset when we find a buried email from 2013 with sign-up to a Yahoo Email account we don't remember having. That sounds dramatic. It's more just. Go into your emails, pull stuff up from 5-10 years ago and just scroll a while. See how much you remember and associate into. It's NORMAL to forget what websites you were browsing a decade ago. It's not normal to have an entire *LIFE* you hid from yourself.

- Sometimes people just... saw/knew us before we did and there were times when they would describe a version of us they weren't supposed to see and we got complete dysphoria over it. Sometimes it as joyful. Someone we love saw Cammie well enough to say when we transitioned that they wanted to see that "windswept girl with the big smile" all of the time. Sometimes it's mortifying, like when someone approaches Camden as if she is Dawn and Camden REJECTED that side of us so heavily that it caused emotional meltdowns and turmoil because Camden didn't WANT to be a sexy confident domme, she could barely see herself as a woman, when people saw the wrong version of us *without permission* it was just a violation that made things WORSE.

- On that note-- meltdowns-- we mentioned the whole "after a social gathering we'd emotionally cave in on ourselves" thing, there was a lot of that. After work we'd get a complete drop from having to be in Manager Mode all day or we'd have a crisis after erotic intimacy encounters because we're sex repulsed ace. The fact is our nervous system was activated during those times, our survival instincts were kicked in and brought the part associated to the surface to DEAL and when they backed off our body was still reacting to the trauma trigger and it would cause us to implode.

All of these things in therapy brought us to the conclusion of BPD. Because therapists be like that at times. A *TRAUMA* therapist gave us some DES-II, MID and ACE tests and worked out what was going on within 3 months.

It took a further 6-9 months with constant support from loved ones who were able to see us as individuals to *ACCEPT* it. This is a denial disorder, it doesn't want to be found. Asking questions, being honest and being accepting is the best way to come to terms with it. I wish it were easier and I wish you luck and support in your journey. Our inbox is always open!

You're not alone <3

[borderline-culture-is]

bpd culture is wondering what even MAKES a healthy relationship with someone, longing for something that everyone around u think doesnt even exist, its living in a different fucking world to everyone else where things are never "just alright" and u have an extreme opinion on everything but also u dont at the same time, ur also a flexible being moulded by those around u, ur feelings feel as at one with urself as other peoples feelings, same with urs and others thoughts/wants for the future/favourite colours/etc etc. its (for me at least) having a fp that wants nothing but the best for u and gets upset when u change ur opinion to fit theirs so u keep ur past opinions u thought u had but it just,, doesnt feel right at all, so u have a quiet mental crisis over whether ur favourite colour is yellow or orange because either feels right due 2 ur lack of identity - 🐾🎧

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