#hard to find the right words

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Maybe we never had a chance.

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[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.

[mamawasatesttube]

my ideal timkon don't get together until they've both already done some queer realizations and dated other guys a little bit, in part because on tim's end, i think he's been in love with kon since he was 17, but at 17 tim didn't even know he was bisexual, forget anything else. and his feelings for kon were so big but also so constant that he didn't even realize they were there or significant because they've always been there and been huge. for years. so he putters along and does his time in the torment nexus (the closet) and languishes a bit but slowly starts to figure it out.

meanwhile kon dates someone, mostly like omg im dating a guy this is ALLOWED !??!?! and its pretty lowkey and casual and doesnt last bc like . super identity issues, right. kon would Never just tell someone, but secrets and casual relationships dont last long etc etc. but just the entire principle of kon dating someone and then being like yeah idk im not really feeling it like hes nice and all but i think hes more interested in like… yknow, my hot bod, than me. its whatever tho. and tim just being SOOOOO mad that someone would date kon and not absolutely adore him. tim will not be unpacking why hes so mad about kon having a shitty boyfriend. obviously its just bc kons his bestie and deserves better. (😶)

so he's just grouchily tinkering on some upgrade for his car to get the grumpy energies out. like WHATEVER! (angrily turns socket wrench) he's not saying kon should dump the guy or anything (angrily turns socket wrench) but he's just SAYING, kon can do BETTER!!!!! (angrily turns socket wrench) and kon DESERVES better!!! kon deserves someone who will treat him RIGHT!!!!! (angrily turns socket wrench) like if TIM was gonna fuck kon he wouldn't do it like a goddamn quickie and just fucking leave (angrily grabs the next size socket and scoots further under the car) like kon OBVIOUSLY doesn't like that so why won't this guy GET THAT!!!! (angry tinkering noises) if he's that shallow he can go find himself a sexy body pillow to screw!!! leave kon alone!!!!

and cassie sitting on a chair nearby is just like. sorry what was that? "if i was gonna fuck kon"? did you just say--hey tim? hey. can you go back a step?

and tim's just. obviously this is a hypothetical everyone considers about kon. look at him he's . you know. besides, tim's just talking as his best friend who wants the best for him! ugh stop trying to read into it cassie, that's not the POINT--

[embv]

I think everyone’s subscribing to the “Helena Infiltration Theory” WAYY too quickly. I kinda feel like a lot of the oddities in the way she was acting could be chalked up to something else, and defaulting to “that’s not Helly” feels a lot like… I don’t know, like brushing off character flaws by saying, “No, [X] is possessed! That’s not actually them!”

I’d probably buy into it a bit more if she didn’t have that moment in the halls with Mark where she fervently said, “We’re not the same, actually. Us and the outies, we’re not.”

There are reasons why Helly would want to lie about her identity, and chief among them is the fact that she hates her outie—desperately wants to place distance between them, desperately wants to convince herself that the person she saw wasn’t her.

But there are compelling reasons for both angles, and I can’t say that I won’t be scanning future episodes for hints to either prove or disprove this, so… cheers, 🥂.

[beaulesbian]

this type of emmrich's interactions is my new favorite thing - where he corrects the choice of words of other companions, or seems almost offended by other's behavior. or is simply too fond of rook's flirting even in the most inconvenient of times

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[spadaaces]

Thinking about Akiren and his hometown…. I like to think/headcanon that he doesn’t hate it there. There is a strange sort of comfort being there at times, but it’s not really.. Home anymore. Same with his parents - my hc is that they’re pretty average (he goes through So Much shit all the time I think he deserves a Little bit of normalcy in his life lol). They’re nice and they care for him, but after living in Tokyo for a year and everything that happened that year, there’s this weird gap now.

Akiren went through so much in the span of that year and he changed a lot during that year. We obviously don’t know too much about pre-game Akiren, but it seems like he’s always had this strong conviction, but acted more reserved than he actually is, similar to how he keeps his head down when he’s put on probation. And then he does not only awaken to his persona and is able to rip of that mask both figuratively and literally, but he finds a place where he can truly start being himself. He finds people who also discover themselves and grow alongside him, and makes him stronger - and he finds people he truly belongs with. And despite all the shit they had to go through, it’s also some of the most fun he’s ever had and these people are so special to him and they understand him and he them and -

And then he has to go back home. And he knows they’re gonna miss each other, but also that he’ll see them again. And it is a little nice to be back, it’s peaceful for a change and at least he has Morgana with him. But it’s a bit too peaceful. There’s not the buzz of the city anymore, he’s not used to it being so quiet - he’s not used to having so few people around him anymore. The town is the same, his parents are the same, but he isn’t. And it feels weird cause nothing is necessarily wrong or bad there, he’s just so. Out of place. He’s a completely different person but no one in this town knows that. And so it’s really easy to slip back to how he’s always acted when he’s there. Because this isn’t where his real self is supposed to be.

Then summer rolls around, and he travels back to Tokyo and all his friends are there to welcome him and Morgana back and it finally feels like he can breathe again. Like he’s finally back where he belongs and he’s able to be his full honest self.

He’s home.

[liatai]

Question!

Neurodivergent peeps of Tumblr, I have a question.

I know that "nonverbal" or "selectively mute" are specific terms that mean "I cannot force words out no matter how hard I try," so... is there a term for "I can speak if I have to, but right now it requires extra energy?"

Like, I'm autistic. I have times where I can speak and even hold conversations, but stringing a verbal sentence together takes effort, the same kind of effort lifting a heavy load with your body would but in your mind. I can be perfectly eloquent and verbose in text when this happens, and sometimes I'll even make some of the limited signs I know in ASL without an issue, but speaking aloud uses up all my mental RAM and I can feel the metaphorical fans of my mind-computer whirring in overdrive. X3;

It's exhausting, too. Usually if I've been verbally social for a while, that's when it kicks in.

I can understand spoken words just as well as other times when this happens, as long as I don't have to speak to reply. If I have to speak, the mental effort and stamina needed to do it tends to push details aside in an endeavor to save processing power. ^^;

I know autism is a spectrum, and I'm hoping someone might have a name for this "not QUITE nonverbal but verbal words are VERY hard right now" feeling ^^; "Partially nonverbal" or "partially selectively mute" doesn't seem quite right.

Help?

[spookygibberish]

I've sort of developed a strange relationship with the concept of "realism" in the things I make.

Something I was very into as like, an eleven year old (im not implying this was immature to be into, just that it was formative for me), was speculative biology specifically for dragons, and now, specifically in the case of dragons I find a lot of attempts to make them biologically plausible fully missing the appeal of dragons at all.

Thinking specifically about the supernatural elements of JoM and where the line is drawn. The dagnyds are made from the remains of godlike entities, and are not entirely earthly animals. They have a supernatural origin. It would be fully justified in giving them magic abilities or making magic an aspect of the setting, but have absolutely zero interest in doing so. It doesn't interest me. I think about shit like healing powers or glowy energy attacks and my reaction is just "what does this even add? Why do I need this? Does this make things more interesting?" And it simply doesn't. Healing is more interesting as a prolonged process, combat is more interesting with teeth and claws and metal and blood. These are options which are more realistic, closer to real life, but the realism isn't what makes them interesting: it's physicality.

When I design a creature for this world, I am not thinking about making it biologically plausible, and yet, I try to design things which look like they could 'move under their own power'. There is a sense of heft and mechanical "soundness" which I value more than realism, but often also aligns with looking 'realistic'.

I would say that it's better to serve a narrative than strive for absolute realism, but I don't actually write stories, although I do have ideas for them occasionally. I guess a version of this which is more relevant and applicable is that i prefer to strive for a particular vibe.

[cry-ptidd]

Laura genuinely makes me so sad, like I cried all silly sometimes ago cause we have a similar past but I went on and she’s like you know..stuck and I wouldn’t want that for anyone :( even if she’s fictional and a killer. I just wish to be kind to her for a moment and tell her a lot of women or really humans feel her pain, that it didn’t turn all of us into monsters. I guess it’s why I’m attached to her because I get it I do, but also…why I hate characters that have SA in their backstory cause it’s really depressing. She’s an amazing character but I can’t help but still wish her punishment and somehow through it all. Peace. That she gets all the punishment she needs and gets some peace right after..a good for good slumber. Even if she doesn’t get that, or feel worthy of it.

This ask actually made me a bit emotional, im gonna be honest. It's one of the most sincere messages I've gotten i think? I am very sorry about what you went through and I will do the same thing you'd do for Laura and tell you to please remember you're not alone and that i believe in you as a person, and that you're still able to move ahead despite everything that's hurt you.

Laura is a character built on cruel irony and tragedy, and many of her aspects are an exaggerated version of views that i also have because of my own trauma (aversion to men, aggression, anger, spite, stubbornness) and the crimes and attitude that would make her an irredeemable character are here to kind of cement the fact she went way too far in her revenge and how being hurt an turn a person into a monster.

But, i rally have to agree with you. Holy FUCK do i pity her. She's not reveling in her evil, she's not actively trying to do more harm (not anymore), and she's just in a state of permanent self-loathing and isolation, where her punishment isn't satisfying to watch or even really clear. You don't really wanna root for her morally, you just kinda wish she'd just... stop. And take a long sleep. Just like you said, a proper, defined punishment, and then let her sleep.

I think this ask sealed the deal of me giving her a canonically somewhat "happy" ending? Maybe a mild one? Where she starts to settle down and indirectly heal alongside Integra and Seras post-canon. A household of damaged women growing alongside each other. Im sure her Creator can decide on a rightful punishment when she passes. Let's just give her a bit of leisure for now.

[morallyunhelpful]

it kind of baffles me how little sympathy eurylochus gets :( everyone is so mean to him…

[overthattwilight]

One of Crowley's line

Edit) Made clarification of one of Crowley's line

❗️❗️Spoilers for JP server❗️❗️

You would like to know about my full power?

You really don't know what's scary*

As your headmage, I am concerned of you

...Well sir, what are you hiding

------------

*About this line, this is rough translation. To give liberal translation, it would be likely "You really are fearless". But it's not something positive, it's more like neutral or negative. So I guess I can say Crowley is concerned Yuu/MC doesn't seem afraid, because it is something likely to be afraid of

[vaguely-concerned]

returnal did not cure my depression but it did give me a strangely healing new perspective that makes it all a bit easier to bear. that perspective being 'I may be having a rough time right now, but at least I'm not inside the head of returnal protagonist selene vassos'

[off-the-rails-raccoon]

Romantic or platonic cclingyduo?

Donnttt make me do this Cupid, I struggle with this question enough as it is !!!!!

Because while I do love the idea of romantic cclingyduo and every post about them, I find it a bit difficult to imagine; somehow.

Platonic cclingyduo is much easier (in what way? I don't know) plus I feel like it has a lot of potential for pushing the idea of "deep and complex relationships don't have to be romantic (or familial)" and I always loved the relationship dynamics that could come from cbeeduo being together as a couple and cTommy being their mutual friend.

But cclingyduo being in a romantic relationship together just Makes Sense because of course they are!! It's cTubbo and cTommy! The two who stuck around each other no matter who tried breaking them apart. The two who were always by the other's side no matter how far away they were. The two that started it all and the two that ended it all. They were soulmates I tell you. SOULMATES. And sure it wasn't easy, it wasn't easy at all, but that didn't stop them. The miscommunication, betrayals, stress, trauma, and everything else didn't stop them from finding their happy ending together. I think that deserves some recognition, and also I think they should be able to kiss. As a treat.

A romantic relationship would not only be an easy way to portray that but it would also be what they deserve I think. But the reason I believe it's so hard to imagine is because I find it unlikely they would both be able to agree to being in a relationship. They both have very different coping mechanisms and overall personalities if you look at the details and the amount of things that are misunderstood or simply go unsaid makes it difficult to see them officially together. And I can imagine they'd pull the whole "our relationship is so fragile as it is, if i propose this idea it may make me lose one of the people most important to me and I don't know if it's worth that risk."

Anywho, I like best the idea that either one of them did (or still do) have romantic feelings for the other but it was never acted out on (except for a kiss at LEAST once) and their relationship and dynamic is so odd and Quirky that they single-handedly blur the line separating romantic and platonic in a way that confuses anyone but them.

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

DARK CREAM WEEK: day 5- punish/reward

idk man i think your threats would work a lot more often if you stopped being so handsome about it fdrgbegh<333

dark cream week and comic are by @zu-is-here

[love-songs-for-emma]

don't get me wrong,, i have Sobbed throughout my watch of buffy the vampire slayer. there are deaths that had me wrecked through entire episodes. but. even though i didn't cry for him in the moment,, the most upsetting death for me thus far is absolutely jonathan. my god. he was trying so hard. through and through to the end, he believed in the good of people, in helping and loving people,, even if they'd never think twice about him. he was beaten down on and alone and still,, still,, there are things he did that ultimately saved the world and i doubt the scoobies or anyone will ever know it :(

[kyouka-supremacy]

i do find the current evolution of what proship/antiship means really confusing, even as someone who’s always disliked how the “two sides” debate reduces the nuance of what the conversation actually is. it feels like everyone who identifies as “pro-ship”/“antis dni” assumes antiship is just being against any relationship thats unhealthy or toxic. meanwhile most of the people i’ve seen who id as “anti”/“dni proship” seem to assume proship is ONLY applied to ships between an adult and a minor.

i find the whole debate really fucking stupid because i’ve witnessed the nuance between these two factions with my own eyes. i’ve seen as many “proshippers” who enjoy underaged ships as i’ve seen “proshippers” who just enjoy toxic yaoi. and i’ve seen as many “antis” who hate couples that fight as i’ve seen “antis” who just don’t want to interact with people who ship siblings. theres no genuine consistency among the factions so why the fuck do people hold onto these labels?

speaking to bsd specifically, the discourse around so many of these ships cannot be neatly categorized by either “this ship is pro” or “this ship is anti”. the discussion around sskk is much different than it is around say, atsushi/kyoka, dazai/odasaku, or young dazai/mori. all of these relationships appear in the fandom with different contexts to unpack. trying to divide them between pro and anti would be a nightmare.

having said all this, i will admit i think ur assessment of why someone would say “proship dni” with sskk in their bio is disingenuous, but it speaks to just how meaningless all these labels are. its just as likely someone who’s anti proship in the bsd fandom wants to avoid people who make young dazai/mori content as it is that they think sskk is genuinely healthy, and hates any ship that isnt. ultimately i think if we stopped leaning on pointless labels and just said “hey if you ship adult/minor content dni” our conversations as a fandom would be much more productive. but anyway.

Yeah, you're most definitely right. Those words just don't mean anything anymore.