#half of it probably doesn't even make sense
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glisten-inthedark · 1 day ago
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Ok, I usually don't sound half as rude as I'm probably about to sound right now but at this point I feel entitled to behave somewhat out of character.
Firstly, if Byler becomes canon people WILL make posts about Stranger Things going "woke", they will make posts about shippers and act as if we held the Duffers hostage until they gave us the ending we wanted.
It's a fact and we have to accept it. Will it suck? Yes. But it doesn't change the fact that this is something we will have to deal with.
When it happens, do yourself a favor and don't engage with it. Just block them and move on. Don't give YouTube algorithm a reason to feed you with this kind of content, make sure you're careful with looking for reactions online until the heat dies down.
Because the truth of the matter is that there's absolutely nothing you can say that will convince them that this makes sense. You can't use logic against people that don't have any. It's pointless and it'll just leave you frustrated.
And this is where I may come off as more blunt than necessary, but who cares about what they say? You know what you saw, you know what you watched, you know it has been there all along so don't let them gaslight you into believing you were crazy for even entertaining the possibility.
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laswells-ashtray · 14 hours ago
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Sleepy 141 and co?
Instead of writing it as like a story, I'm just describing each of them at their sleepiest because it offers me more descriptiveness.
Price is always tired, to him the sheer weight of being alive is exhausting. But genuinely sleepy John becomes very quiet and he wishes everyone around him would do the fucking same. He'll sit filling out paperwork and when the blinks start to become the gateway into an involuntary nap he'll put on music to try and keep him awake with the noise. Around 40 minutes later Nikolai walks into his office to find John's face smushed into what is undoubtedly an important document as he snores and Nine Inch Nail's wax poetic about obsession in the horniest way possible in the background.
Ghost is used to being tired on missions but something about being back on base acts as a fucked up sense of comfort that turns him into a sleepy kitten. He just wants to find someone close to him, headbutt their chest and fall asleep. The 141 have their own little downtime room, Price claimed it under the guise of using it for important/ classified "no one can see" nonsense and they use it as a glorified living room. If Soap, Gaz or even Price is in there and sitting on the couch then he will just lie on their chest and conk the fuck out. Soap will just nap under him, Gaz will use his shoulders to rest his phone as he watches a YouTube video and Price will just rest the mug of the coffee he's probably drinking on Ghost's back. To be napped on by Ghost is an honour.
Soap is a sleep anywhere typa guy, if he's tired and can't be fucked walking all the way back to his room then he will just sit at a table with his head in his arms and nap. It hurts his back, it hurts his neck and it leaves his arms numb. He will not stop doing it. If you're sitting at the table with him talking then he will just wait for a break in the conversation to tell you he's going to nap and then get comfy before you can respond. Shameless napper. Also if you catch him at his sleepiest then his words are indecipherable.
Gaz is an "I'm not that tired" followed by an accidental 7-hour nap person. He never actually feels tired but if he closes his eyes then it's over. If they're in the heli coming back from a mission, he'll make a comment about how he's feeling surprisingly awake and then four and a half minutes later he's asleep like one of those babies that's soothed by being in the back of a car. He actually was one of those babies, if you wanted to get Kyle to sleep from birth to the age of six then you just put him in the back of a car and went on a ten-minute drive.
Nikolai, as I have said and stand by, is a cat. He's tired? Sorry, John is busy. Then he's nuzzling his face into that Englishman's chest until he's asleep. He's one sleepy day away from purring. He's naturally affectionate but when he's tired he's so close to John that you'd think that separating them would require surgery. John makes the mistake of trying to get up? Nuh uh, just because he's mostly unconscious it doesn't mean that he isn't just as strong. The captain isn't moving his pale English arse until Nik feels like it.
Laswell can function well while tired, plays it off almost expertly or so she thinks. She does not, she is so easily irritable when she's sleepy. If you aren't her wife, you're an enemy. She will kill. Even Shepard learned that there are limits to how much Kate will take when she's sleep-deprived. He got too snippy with her one time and she asked how his wife had been doing. He was newly divorced and Kate knew. But with her wife? She comes home while sleepy and finds her wife in the kitchen, by the time her wife is done cooking Kate is almost asleep standing against her back with her arms around her wife's waist. By the time her wife hauls her into bed, Kate is out of it. She gets her head on her wife's chest? She's out like a light.
Alejandro is so much more likely to agree to something while tired. He's less likely to get annoyed at rookies for mistakes, he'll just wave them away without a second thought. If you need him to say yes to something, ask when he's tired. Rudy is like two days away from getting him to sleepily agree to get a cat. He's also less likely to remember any conversation he has after a certain point of tiredness. Will agree to an entire day's worth of activities and only remember the next day when he's shown proof, a video where he does in fact agree to these things. Damn it.
Rudy's vocabulary is reduced to uh huh and vague grunts of agreement when he's tired. It's a language that only Alejandro truly understands. Soap asks him a question once when he's tired and Rudy just makes a noise back. Alejandro, without so much as looking up from his phone, translates. "Not tomorrow, he's doing one-on-one training with someone who's just back after being off with an injury but he can do it after three the next day." Rudy is a big fan of just smashing his face into a pillow and blocking out the world around him when tired but unsurprisingly he ends up asleep almost every time.
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fandomfluffandfuck · 2 days ago
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I can't stop fucking thinking about premature ejaculation today, literally, I've been so distracted from everything, and it's probably definitely K's (@howdoyousleep3 's) fault with this fucking post (plus her broader, totally understandable, fixation with it 👀) that will haunt me for the rest of my days. So. Evanstan filth.
Chris was slotting his key card into his hotel room door but he isn't anymore and he doesn't know, honest to god, how he got from standing outside the room to lying flat on his fucking back on the plush, tightly made bed of that same room without remembering even a single rushed step but he is, he is, it's not even been a full minute, he swears, and ohhh--
Sebastian is here.
He's not supposed to be is the thing, though, he's got a thousand other places he's all but contracted to be right now; their schedules have been hell the last few months between their competing, demanding press tours for movies with such laugably different tones. Sebastian is doing two fucking press tours at once for Christ's sake, he doesn't have time for even a quickie. Chris feels like they've hardly heard each other's voices, seen each other's faces--they've not been calling, certainly not FaceTime-ing, just texting back and forth between the circuses of their limelight lives, just trying to keep it together while the world spins too fast around them.
Chris' head is spinning off his shoulders now. He's slammed his head back into the overstuffed pillows, his hair fanning out around him with a strand of it sticking to his forehead, sweating when, shit, he can't have been in the room for more than a minute or two, tops. He doesn't know if he pushed or Seb pulled--who led who to the bed? How'd they get here? How'd it become this?
Not that he can complain, he doesn't know and he doesn't fucking care how they ended up on top of each other, tangled together, knotted and beyond coming apart easily. He can't care because he's not even fully out of his shirt--it's half unbuttoned, pulled apart and pulled down to expose the upper half of his chest, flushed, normally pale skin and dark ink and a forest of hair, his necklace left astray, heated to his feverish body temperature and sizzling where it rests in the pit of his neck. That's not all, though. His shirt is rucked up to display even more of the scattered art across his skin, his abs clenching tight. He lost his slacks somewhere. Shoes, too. He was wearing shoes when he got in here, right? He had to be. Definitely. He wouldn't've--
It doesn't matter.
A moan comes tumbling out of Chris' mouth, and it doesn't fucking matter. His toes curl without even half of a muttled thought spared to investigating the sensation to rediscover if he's still wearing socks or not. And, oops, his boxer briefs are gone, too, now. Sebastian is stripping him of them impatiently, his hands frantic, greedy, as they slide down over his skin.
Bared, his cock hits his exposed stomach and Chris makes a sound that doesn't even make sense.
His mouth is open, somehow both too dry and wet with spit--almost drool. His bearded jaw has dropped so fucking wide it would be embarrassing if he could comprehend such a concept as embarrassment at a time like this.
This--
One leg bent at the knee, foot flat against the mattress, and the other leg curled indecently over his lover's shoulder as Sebastian's lips glide, slick and hot and unfairly erotic, against his cock, he's so hard so fast--responding to Seb's mouth like a subject of Pavlov, a damn dirty dog--that he's not even sure he was ever soft. How could he be soft when Sebastian is tilting his whole head into it? Getting fucking into it.
Woof.
He's merciless, mouthing at his dick, moaning like he fucking missed it. The weight. The taste. The mouthful. He must've missed it bad with how he's going at it, licking, dragging his tongue over it broadly, outrageously, then resting it heavily on his tongue, mouth open, sloppy, letting the tip slide against the soaked velvet inside of his cheek, bulging out pornographically, moaning, sucking on the tip, letting it slide deep shiveringly, impressively quickly. He's hungry--starved even.
And Chris' entire body clenches, uncontrollably, his muscles tight, helpless to not be swallowed up by it all. Then, just as involuntarily, Chris' hips buck up jaggedly.
Sebastian lets them, only groaning messily as Chris is enveloped deep in that lush mouth, deeper into that wicked throat.
Seb hardly even gags.
Fuuck.
Chris' neck arches harder, fighting and losing the battle against the flood of pleasure, feeling the sweet, hurting pull in his muscles and tendons past their usual use. Gasping, he can't get in enough oxygen to feed the bonfire Sebastian has sparked from just a match but grew impatient with, dumping gasoline on the whole fucking thing instead. Lighting. him. up.
Shit.
God, fuckin'--
It feels sofuckinggood.
His mouth.
Chris missed his mouth desperately, he missed him so badly, he was going crazy without him, now he's here and Chris can't understand it, did he take a plane? Did he drive from whatever fucking stop he was on with press? When? How long do they have? How is Chris supposed to think, to ask, when he can't even shut his fucking mouth. Groaning and gasping, then moaning. Endless. It's pure adrenalin and shock. Pleasure coursing through him so suddenly that it fractures him into a million tiny pieces.
Guh.
Sebastian is going to fucking suck his soul out of his body, going at him like that. It's not just the way he slurps and swallows and moans on his cock, though, it's how he's bobbing his head, taking it gorgeously, an inescapable, dire rush to every action, gagging, choking a little with his recklessness. He's filthy. He's gorgeous. He's--
"Oh. Oh," Chris can't stop any of the embarrassing sounds that are, just, coming out of him, spilling over, dripping down his chin, making a mess of his throat and chest. He's wet. Sweating. Spit. Dripping. "Wait," he's panting, moaning sharply, Sebastian's mouth is leaving scorching kisses down his shaft, his tongue flicking out to lewdly trace the throbbing veins, prominent on him visibly and psychologically, Chris' heart throbs in his chest, its beat pounding through his dick and rushing in his ears.
And Seb's just going, going, going--plunging deeper, getting to the base of his cock, slurping at his balls gluttonously, grazing them with his lips and teeth, sending tingling danger rushing through Chris like static.
"Baby-!"
He just keeps getting lower, using every weakness Chris has without even thinking about it, he knows his body too well, it's too, too good, so much, pulsing, rushing, boiling over.
"Baby, nno," he scrambles, his hands finding their way to Sebastian's gorgeous hair, pulling until he shivers and groans at the scalp-pin-prick pain, debauched, "I'm gonna," Chris struggles to use his mouth for something understandable, "oh, no, no-nnnghh, ugh, oh, I'm, w-we just st-AH-started! Wait!" He whines, "if you--'m gonna--"
His words turn from whining words to something entirely useless for communication, incoherent sounds of pleasure too good to not be afraid of it, razor-sharp around the edges, treacherous, all-consuming as Sebastian doesn't heed his strangled attempts at warning, burying his fucking face in him. He feels so fucking close to him that he might as well be inside him--reaching up through his gut to his chest to squeeze his racing heart--his nose pressed right up against that hypersensitive, intimate place behind his balls while his lips and tongue ravish his hole. He has no hesitation. No shame. He just--
Eats him.
He eats him out so fucking good, ravenous with that wet-dream mouth, that there's nothing Chris can do to stop it, even with his fist flying to the base of his dick to squeeze and choke off his embarrassingly early orgasm--it's all in vain. He can't stop it.
He's fucking cumming.
Spilling hard over his quivering stomach in all-consuming pumps that crash over him like storm-charged waves against the shore. His hips are pushed up so far--fighting it, squirming, trying to get away and get closer, and, shit, he doesn't even know what his body is doing as it's ripped out of him--that he nearly makes it to his bearded chin with his own release. It's wet and hot over his stomach, his chest, and his collarbones, almost his throat.
Christ.
With his chest fucking heaving, his lungs rasping, audibly struggling to get each breath out of his throat, Chris quakes through the aftershocks. Barely able to keep his eyes open enough to see Sebastian, buried between his legs, shuddering, and, oh fuck, thoughtlessly squirming against the bed, rubbing himself off against it, caught up in the same indulgent mood.
After another short, blurry, fast-motion moment, when Chris whines--again from too much pleasure, wishing for it to stop so he isn't so mortified, except for that last part, the mortification has already come, spreading itself out over his face like a proud, deep sunburn, then--Sebastian pulls away. His lips are swollen. Puffy, wet, and red. He looks as wrecked as Chris feels. Chris feels fucking scrambled. He's still half-humping the bed, whispering, heady, "Chris, Chr--" his voice catches in his throat "--Chris, Jesus," he spreads his legs wider, getting more friction, making Chris' sensitive cock jolt painfully at the obscene picture he makes, "you're so hot."
Chris feels hot. The blushing and embarrassed and squirming kind of hot, though. He kind of wants to fucking melt into the bed, it's been fucking years since he's cum with that little action and he usually prides himself on how he goddamn pleasures his partners first, then takes his, sometimes not even his own, he loves making others feel good and he's fucking good at doing it, bringing them to their knees, he's not like this, not normally; but, also, he really wants to surge forward, wrestle Seb flat onto his belly and get him back to tear into him. Right now, the best he can do, though, still recovering from the quick and dirty intensity of his shattering orgasm, is mumble, "your mouth," his face must be swollen with all the blood rushing into his tingling cheeks, "can't fuckin' help it, you drive me crazy," he excuses himself, shaky.
"Cr-crazy, nngh, yeahh," Seb echoes, losing it, melting from cocky and confident and in control to plain needy with all that good friction to his dick.
God, what a fucking sight he is, down there, between his legs, frenzied.
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castillon02 · 2 days ago
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When Jason starts to prioritize cooperation as well as vengeance, Tim suspects Jason's self-control still isn't that great. Since he's Tim, well...
He conducts some tests.
Hood is about to murder someone that they need information from when Tim calls out, "Hey, Hood, has anyone ever told you that you're a Decepticon wannabe who probably fucks himself to the sound of his own robot voice?"
Hood stills.
The drug dealer who sold tenth-grader Benny Garcia fentanyl gapes in a way that shows off his recently-missing teeth.
Hood drops the dealer in a heap and turns his shitkicker combat boots in Tim's direction.
Tim bolts. Batman will swoop in to continue the dealer's interrogation; he and Hood have figured out a good-cop-bad-cop thing, though Batman still seems bemused about the chance to be 'good cop.'
Hood races after him.
---
Tim makes it to a safe house off of Robinson Park. He probably lost Hood about half an hour ago, but it never hurts to be careful. Especially when---oh, shit.
"This place is filthy," Jason says, sitting on the kitchen counter that Tim never uses and looking with disdain at Tim's collection of empty energy drink cans, takeout boxes, and crime yarn. Jason's not wearing his helmet or domino, and he taps his boot heels softly against the cabinet door like a little kid. Not exactly danger signals.
But for a moment, all Tim can look at is the boots. It's stupid; the knife at his neck was closer to fatal. But the kicking had hurt the worst.
"Since you apparently have time to run your mouth," Jason says, "and since someone stole my target, it seems like we both have time to clean up in here. I went out and got trash bags." He nudges a box on the counter next to him. The trash bags are the sturdy kind, not the flimsy cheap kind or the extra-strength hide-the-body-parts kind.
Tim has been meaning to get trash bags for this place for three weeks. It's just that he doesn't visit often, and when he does it's usually when he's injured or tired, and he could get things delivered but that's a paper trail he could avoid if he just made time to visit the bodega down the street... "You're a trash bag," he says, even though it doesn't make sense.
Jason rolls his eyes. "Just for that, we're mopping the floor too. Luckily, I came prepared." He hops down from the counter and opens the little mystery closet next to the fridge. Inside: a broom, a Swiffer, a bucket, a pack of scrub brushes still in their plastic, and a jug of bleach.
Ohhh, that's why the closet is so narrow. It's supposed to hold cleaning supplies. Right. Tim definitely knew that. Tim definitely doesn't just have a roll of paper towels...somewhere...that he sometimes puts dish soap on.
He squints at Jason. Still no green danger-eyes. "Darcy and Elizabeth would never let you be part of a throuple with them," he tries.
Jason pulls out a trash bag. "They've got issues anyway."
"Helen Keller would make up new words so she could sign how ugly your face is."
"She was a socialist," Jason says. He holds the bag and gestures at Tim's kitchen table. "So we'd probably just talk about organizing the working class. I don't think looks would come into it. Also, way to be a dick."
"You're so pathetic that Jane Eyre would give up on you like she didn't give up on Rochester," Tim says, figuring he did the research for this attack, so he might as well use it.
Jason actually laughs a little bit. "First of all, there's a lot of power exchange going on in that decision, so jot that down," he says. "Second of all." He looks Tim in the face. "If I start to lose my temper, I'll leave, okay? Or you can just ask me to."
"Even if I asked right now?" Tim asks.
"Even if you asked right now," Jason confirms, though he eyeballs Tim's mess.
Jason's still holding the trash bag. Hands out, open body language, seemingly not homicidal.
Tim had planned for a lot of things with this encounter, including a body bag. Trash bags weren't one of his considered variables. He starts picking up empty cans. "This one can be for recycling," he says, dumping the cans into Jason's bag. New things from old materials. Jason likes that symbolism shit, right?
(Though...new things. Old materials. If there's anyone who ought to be good at that, it's someone who got raised from the dead.
Tim smirks and keeps the thought to himself. Operation: Limitless has been a startling success; he doesn't need to verbalize all his inside thoughts now.)
("Kid, I can tell you're thinking about a zombie joke," Jason says anyway. "You can only tell me after we've brought this shit-heap back to life.")
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brekitten · 3 months ago
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The Therapist
There's a new therapist at school.
Normally this wouldn't really bother Peter at all, since he's never gone to see a shrink in his life and doesn't ever plan on it, but there's something... off about this woman.
She seems unassuming enough at first glance. Red hair, green eyes, bright red lipstick. But there is something in her eyes, something that Peter can only describe as a predator looking at its next prey, when she looks around the school at all of the teenagers milling about. Heck, even the way she walks makes her seem as if she is a predator stalking her prey.
It could always be some kind of power move, Peter reasons. He's met people like that before, who try to intimidate everyone around them into thinking that they are superior, that they are the apex predator and anyone who dares to cross them would pay for it dearly.
But his Spidey Sense went crazy around her.
He tries to brush it off as paranoia. He'd pulled an all-nighter last night in the lab with Tony because neither of them had been able to sleep, and he hadn't been sleeping well even before that. (Funny, how it had all started the night after he first bumped into the new therapist in the halls.) So his Spidey Sense is probably out of wack because he's tired. Simple as that.
But it seems like everyone in the school is depressed. Even Ned, who can't even muster up the energy and enthusiasm to talk about Legos or Star Wars or even the weather. It worries Peter.
Because it all started when that therapist came to the school.
He can't ignore it forever, he knows that. There is only so long his Spidey Sense can tell him that she is danger danger danger before he finally listens. He has to do something to help everyone.
So he researches.
And he falls into the rabbit hole of ghosts and ectoplasm and secret government organizations and the little, unassuming town of Amity Park, Illinois.
He doesn't sleep that night.
When he comes to school the next morning, Dr. Penelope Spectra looks him dead in the eyes, and smiles.
#dpxmarvel#peter parker#penelope spectra#peter's boutta get a crash course in ghosts and ghost fighting#he is definitely not prepared#idk why spectra is in new york#specifically midtown tech#but she is#peter starts digging into amity park#he just wanted to find out who spectra is#and he did find out that she's a dangerous “ecto-entity”#he does not know what that is until he does more research#he's very shocked to learn that ghosts are apparently real#meanwhile tucker and the rest of team phantom is freaking out#someone just hacked past the media blackout or whatever around amity park#(you can thank friday (or karen if you prefer) for that)#they're surprised to see that it's coming all the way from new york#and even more surprised to see that the hacker went for spectra's files first#almost as if the hacker was specifically looking for them >:3#maybe danny goes to investigate and finds peter#btw peter can sense ghosts with his spidey sense even if they're invisible. especially if they're invisible#they team up to take spectra down#danny helps peter make some ecto-weapons and a specter deflector or something#then they catch spectra (and bernard because he's probably there too and i'm kinda just now realizing that)#peter gives danny his phone number as thanks and tells him to call him if he ever needs anything#peter doesn't know who phantom is btw. he just knows that his new friend is a ghost that luckily knows how to use technology like phones#maybe there's even a bad reveal a little further down the line and danny calls peter in a panic because sam and tucker have done everything#they can and he needs to get as far away from amity as possible#peter is very surprised to find that his ghost friend is only half ghost and is then very ticked that danny's parents tried to capture#and vivisect him
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delusionalbitchinthehouse · 3 months ago
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Special angst. Featuring touch-starved Special, homemade quintessence fuckery and lore, basically Special can't touch anyone or they die, Omega and Delta try to help.
CW : Angst, like pretty heavy angst I think, Hurt/comfort, talk of death
Ghouls are social creatures. Not all to the same extend, not all in the same way, but the fact remains : ghouls thrive in eachother's company, in the knowledge that someone, somewhere, is waiting for them, ready to welcome them.
And, ghouls are physically affectionate, as a result of this need to be close and feel surrounded by loved ones. Of course, it's a generic rule, and it doesn't applie the same way to each individuals, but, most of the time, ghouls live off of casual touch, hand holding, hugs, cuddles, clasps on the shoulders, arms slung around waists, tails intertwining.
It's Satan's best joke, really, that Special can't even have that.
That he's so fucked up that not only no one bears to be in his presence, but he could also kill the poor ghoul who'd pity him enough to try and give him a hug.
Because Special's elements are all pulling him in different direction, trying to evade the too tight confine of his body, weak fire sorrowfuly begging to be smothered out, destructive quintessence furiously grasping at every bits of vital energy it can find, literaly sucking the life out of anyone stupid enough to have any kind of skin-to-skin contact with Special.
At least it's vaguely less awfull now that he managed to contain the devastating effect of his quintessence to his body - the screams of agony of the people who tried to approach him after his summoning, Omega's pained grunts as he backed away, the soft blanket he had held out for Special falling at his feet, the sheer terror on the ancient ghoul's face as he watched the humans unfortunate enough to be in Special's quintessence's range dropping like fly, oh, Special remembers it all so well.
Six Siblings died that way, simply because they were standing too close to him. Omega was, too, and is only alive because of his highly resistant nature, allowing him to stumble back in time.
It took weeks of sitting across from Omega, safe distance between them, training relentlessly to try and tame his quintessence, before Special could evolve around people without draining them. But it worked.
Provided he stays dressed head to toe, not a silver of skin showing, of course.
Special could, theoretically, be on the recieving end of ghoul's typical affection, the soft nudges, pats and caresses rythming their lives, long as no one makes contact with his skin, long as all those displays take place through a layer of clothing.
But then again, Special can't blame them for being wary, and prefering to stay away altogether. They're right, after all. You never know what might happen, if Special won't suddenly lose control and kill everyone in a three meters radius just by existing.
Special hasn't see anyone in days. Omega said he'd come by, but he hasn't yet. Special vaguely remembers something about Delta the...water ghoul, right ? Well, one of them anyway. There's a lot of those around, Special keeps forgetting who's who, doesn't see them enough to properly remember. He sticks to the dark corners, only goes out in the dead of the night, only watches the other ghouls from afar, except maybe for Omega.
But Omega's not here, hasn't been here for too long, busy taking care of Delta, whatever that means. Special wonders if he'll come back. Special wonders why he needs Omega to come to his room, why he can't bring himself to get up and go find the quint by himself. It's not like it's forbidden or anything. He just can't do it, the thought of opening his bedroom door in the middle of the day strictly unfathomable.
No, Special, at least during the day, needs someone to open it, someone to drag him outside if he really is needed, like for interviews, because apparently he's the only fucker who agreed to do them when neither Papa nor Omega are free.
A third choice, that would probably be even further down the list of candidates if it wasn't for his uncanny ability to entertain humans, with jokes and crudes, snarky remarks masking the cracks of his shattered soul.
So Special waits, sitting motionless in the middle of his bed. He hasn't seen anyone in days. He hasn't been touched since forever. No, that's not true. Omega cupped the back of his head the last time he was here, protected by the mask and balaclava Special always has to wears, and pressed a kiss to the metal covering his forehead.
It had nearly unraveld him.
Special doesn't know why Omega still bothers with him, what sick sense of responsability pushes the quint to visit Special as often as he can bear, why he insist on being so patient, so gentle, smiling with sadness in his eyes.
Special doesn't want pity. But he could never tell Omega not to come back.
His hair is getting too long. It's itchy in the back of his neck, keeps getting stuck in folds of fabric. Special shifts uncomfortably, thinking about stealing a pair of scissors and chopping it off himself. It's always a delicate task, cutting his hair : he's not good at it himself, but whenever Omega's doing it, he has to be extra cautious, avoiding any contact with Special's scalp, not even able to properly run his fingers through it. Special's hair is never perfect, always a bit messy, as a result, but now it's even worse.
He really needs Omega to come back.
It hits Special like a freight train.
He needs Omega to come back. He needs to hear his voice, to see the lines and creases on his face, the tired slope of his broad shoulders, the softness of his eyes. Special needs his tentative, fleeting touches, needs to talk to him, needs to be carefully held, even if it's all tainted with Omega's guilt, obligation and pity.
He needs to know Omega hasn't moved on, hasn't chalked him up as a lost cause, that Special hasn't lost the only comfort life ever granted him.
A knock startles him out of his thoughts, his whole being shaking with relief at the familiar pattern.
"Spesh ? Can I come in ?"
Special nearly sobs. His voice scratches in his throat.
"Yes."
Omega slips in the room. He's maskless, and Special drinks him in like a ghoul starved. He looks tired, like he hasn't slept in days, but. He's smiling. Omega is smiling, wide an bright, eyes gleaming. It makes Special's own lips pull in an unfamiliar direction, up up up, until concealed under the mask, his mouth weakly mimics Omega's.
"I have good news for you, Spesh. Really good news. Would you let me bring someone else in here ?"
Special visibly flinches, though still half frozen, cossed-legged on the bed. Omega's face softens in that way Special yearns for.
"It's okay, it'll be fine. I promise. Do you trust me ?"
Special doesn't need to think about the answer, nodding with more conviction than he ever displayed before. It gets a soft chuff out of Omega.
"Attaboy."
The quint moves with a grace Special envies, reaching for the door and opening it like it's the easiest thing in the world. Maybe, to him, it is.
The ghoul that steps in looks just as tired as Omega, if not more, but is also sporting a smile, hair an absolute mess, looking like it got chopped with absolutely no regard for the aesthetical result, as uneven as it is unruly.
"Spesh, this is Delta, remember ? Delta, this is Special."
Special blinks, unmoving as a statue, as he often is. Sometimes, he thinks that if he keeps perfectly still, the universe will forget that he is supposed to be, and simply let him stop existing.
Delta. Yes Special remembers. He doesn't smell like most water ghouls, though, it's quite disarming.
"Hello, Special," Delta breathes, barely above a whisper, "it's nice to officially meet you."
Unsure of what to do with that soft tone, with how genuine Delta apparently is, Special looks toward Omega, silently begging for guidance. The quint goes to sit next to him, one hand brushing his back ever so slightly. Special has to bite his tongue to contain a relieved whimper.
"He's here because we discovered something, and I have a theory," Omega explains.
Delta is standing straight, hands folded behind his back, withstanding Special's wary scrunity with an easy smile. Something about him is...off, Special notes. It's not necessarily bad, but it intrigues him.
Delta looks like a water ghoul. Blueish tint to his grey skin, gills, needle sharp fangs, webbed fingers, a few fish-like scales visible on his forearms. And yet...
Special doesn't realize he's leaning forward until Delta tilts his head in amusement. He leans back immediately, clasping his gloved hands tighter on his lap.
"I think," Omega goes on, "that he might be able to touch you without consequences."
It's instinctive, the way Special stiffens, shaking his head desperately at Omega, clearing his throat to find his voice again.
"No, no, no, Megs, it'll end up badly-"
"Listen- listen to me, Spesh, listen," Omega interrupts his panicked babbling, craddling his masked face between two big hands, "i'm not pulling this out of my ass, okay ? Delta here, well, we needed a new quintessence ghoul, at least for a little while, until we could summon a new one, and...Delta volunteer for an...elemental transition of some kind."
Special blinks, shaking in Omega's grip. Well, that explains the funny feeling, the strange scent.
"But...Delta's still water," Special rasps. Omega hums, nodding.
"Yes, but not exclusively. He's not...quintessence either. It's more like...he became a vessel quintessence can pass through. He can channel it from the outside, dig it from the source rather than something within him like us quintessence ghoul do, quite literaly pull it from thin air, let it flow through him, and release it."
Special frowns, trying to wrap his mind around all this.
"But...raw quintessence, the one that is everywhere, is impossible to access to unless you are a quint, because your quintessence connects you to it, opens you a door. Right ?"
It's more words than he's spoken in weeks outside of interviews, but excitement suddenly buzzes in his body, brain finally feeded something to think about, to analyse, to study. Special is a cerebral creature, no matter what people might thing, and such an incredible discovery makes him feel almost alive.
Omega laughs, a breathless, amazed little thing.
"I know. But, apparently, we managed to crack that door open for Delta. He doesn't have much control over the quintessence he releases, but it's enough for the Clergy, for now."
Special glances toward Delta from the corner of his eyes.
"That's...you wrote it down, right ? Records of this could be incredibly useful-"
The smile he gets makes Special's heart miss a beat. Omega looks so fond, so full of love, it's almost painful.
"I did. I'll hand you my notes. But, back to you. What your quintessence does, is devouring energy out of living things-"
Special hangs his head down, shame creeping up his spine, wrapping around his throat.
"Hey, none of that, Spesh," Omega soothes, pulling his head up by the metal point of the mask's chin, "let me finish. What if someone was full of an energy they can fully dispose of ? If someone could let your quintessence take without it harming them, that means they could touch you. Delta could touch you."
Special blinks.
"But...you can't touch me."
"Because your quintessence takes the one at my core - drains me dry of a source of power so entangled in my being that losing it would mean losing me. But Delta's quintessence doesn't come from him."
Slowly, Delta comes closer, kneeling by the bed, offering his bare hand to Special, smiling, and Special- can't understand why. Why anyone would willingly take such risks - first the attempted elemental transition, now this.
Omega brushes Special's shoulder.
"Please, try it. I know...how hard isolation is for you. Please, sparkle, try. If anything goes wrong i'll pull Delta away before any real damages can be done, I promise."
The coppery taste of blood hits Special's tongue, and it's the only reason he's aware he's biting his lip. Then Delta talks.
"I volunteered, Special. I know this is going to work. I trust Omega's theory, and. I think I can trust you, too."
This time Special does sob.
"If I hurt you..."
"You won't. Give me your hand, Special, it'll be okay."
And Special is terrified. Terrified that it won't work, that he'll hurt Delta, who seems the nicest ghoul you could ever wish for. Terrified that it'll work, that the one time he manages to touch someone without killing them will kill him, that all it would take would be a brush of skin against his own to destroy him.
Despite all that, Special slowly, oh so slowly takes one glove off, revealing too-pale skin and twitchy fingers. Delta' smile widens, then the air shifts a bit, starts blurring around him. One of his eyes turns purple, his skin shimering slightly.
"It's a bit like holding my breath," the water (?) ghoul explains, "i can't keep it for too long, maybe a couple of minutes, after, i have to release it. Open the valves, kind of. But, if I just keep them open, just let quintessence flow in and out freely, like this-"
Another shift in the air. The shimer on Delta's skin dims, his features relaxing.
"Then I can keep it that way as long as i like, effortlessly for the most part. That's how we can touch. I'm ready when you are."
He's going to do this. Special is going to do this. His hand is shaky when he wraps it loosely around Delta's - ready to pull away at any moment - but the second their skin makes contact, he gasps and can't help tightening it.
Delta doesn't flinch. His skin glints a bit more, but that's it. Special's quintessence is hungrily drinking in the one flowing though Delta, but he doesn't need it. He can let Special take it.
Salt. Salt on his tongue, now. Special is crying. Holding onto Delta's hand for dear life, shoulders shaking, Special is crying, the water ghoul shushing him softly, thumb drawing circles on the back of his hand.
Omega helps unclasping the mask, watching with tears of his own as Special takes it off, throws it somewhere, who cares, where the balaclava and second glove quickly follow.
Delta opens his arm, still not letting go. Special sobs so hard he's sure it's going to turn him inside out, slidding off the bed and into Delta's firm, tender embrace, burrying his face in the water ghoul's neck, finally able to touch, to feel, truly feel.
He can't see it, but Omega's crying in earnest now, Delta fighting tears as well.
Special isn't okay. Special might never be okay, Delta might be the only person he'll ever get to touch, it might stop working at some point, there might be a catch, but oh, Special doesn't care.
He'd trade his infernal eterinity for this moment in time, folded in arms that hold him like something precious.
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luifaro · 21 days ago
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one thing i appreciate about the sadnesses is how they're so polite. like if i'm talking to my friends they'll just stand there and wait instead of continuing to chase me. i know this probably wasn't intentional and is just a side effect of cutscenes but it's still so funny bc today we were yapping and this sadness was behind us right. when we left the convo it just ran in the opposite direction instead of chasing so it looked like it wanted to join the conversation but got too scared and ran off instead...
anyways sadness ocs when!!!
EDIT: googled it and YEEAHH ODILE coming in clutch they're actually the remnants of people defeated by the king so yeah this idea actually makes sense (kind of)
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alichiraku · 1 year ago
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Timeline - Iruka Umino
(I’ve just compiled information from various pre-existing timelines, so credits go to the Seelentau timeline and @keepyourpantsongohan​’s one!!)
I added events I thought relevant to Iruka’s story (whether because it impacted Konoha or Iruka personally). I calculated the ages by taking the Databook ages and correlating them with the first appearances in the manga which is why it sometimes differs from the other timelines (ex: Yugao is said to be 22 in the first Databook, but her birthday is on November 3rd, and her first apparition is during the Chūnin exams in July-August. Therefore, I consider her to have turned 22 the year before). 
I’ve checked this timeline a few times, but there may still be errors (or simplifications), so don’t hesitate to point them out and I’ll correct them!
Year 0 : Iruka is born (May 26).
Kohari and Ikkaku Umino are 34-35.
The Third Shinobi War begins. Around this year, Kushina (13-14) is kidnapped by shinobi from Kumo and rescued by Minato (13-14).
September 15 : Kakashi turns 5.
Kakashi becomes Genin.
Year 1 : 
May 26 : Iruka turns 1.
September 15 : Kakashi turns 6.
Kakashi becomes Chūnin.
Year 2 : 
May 26 : Iruka turns 2.
Sakumo Hatake (around 40) commits suicide.
Kakashi’s generation becomes Genin : Genma (10), Guy (7), Ebisu (10), Shizune (10), Asuma (9), Kurenai (9).
Year 5-6 :
Iruka Umino enters the Academy.
Sasuke enters the Academy at 5 and Itachi at 6. Given that war wages during Iruka’s childhood, I chose to make him enter around this age instead of later, but we have no way to confirm this.
Year 8 :
October 24 : Anko turns 10.
Anko becomes Genin.
Year 9 :
 The Third Shinobi World War ends on an armistice between Konoha and Iwa, Minato becomes Hokage.
Minato is 23, Kohari and Ikkaku are 43-44.
Year 9-10 : Births of the Rookie Nine. 
Year 10 : 
May 26 : Iruka turns 10.
October 10 : Naruto’s birth ; Kurama is freed by Obito and attacks Konoha ; death of Kohari (45) and Ikkaku (45), as well as Minato (24), Kushina (24), Biwako (55) and many others. 
Iruka’s experience of this night is depicted several times in both manga and anime, which explains the slight contradictions. The last version of the event in the manga is probably the most accurate.
Chapter 1 : Iruka is forcefully taken away from the battlefield by an unknown shinobi as he screams that his parents “are still fighting”, although it’s unclear whether he knows this for a fact or is simply in denial.
Rookie Instructor fillers : Kohari wears the traditional Konoha uniform instead of the later grey ANBU-like one (it may be attributed to Iruka’s faulty memory of the event). Iruka is sheltered with other children away from the battlefield but is implied to have escaped when he learns that the squad where his parents were fighting has been decimated. This is the last flashback we have of the event and the anime seems to imply Iruka didn’t get to see his parents again.
Chapter 503 : Kohari wears a grey uniform. She’s already on the brink of death as Ikkaku orders Iruka to flee the battlefield. Similarly to Chapter 1, Iruka is then forcefully taken away despite his protests.
The anime later faithfully animated this scene and its chronology.
October 24 : Anko turns 12.
Anko becomes Chūnin.
The Academy having been destroyed in the Kurama attack, the learning conditions of this year’s students are unclear
Year 11 :
During this year : death of Might Duy (35) protecting Guy (15), Genma (17) and Ebisu (17).
Flashbacks of Iruka joking around to amuse his comrades.
May 26 : Iruka turns 11.
June 9 : Itachi turns 7.
Itachi becomes Genin.
Around this time, flashback with Hiruzen in front of the tombstone. Hiruzen says “It’s been a year” in the English version (indicating this is after the anniversary of the attack) but “It will be a year soon” in the French version (putting the scene before the anniversary). 
November 2nd : Hayate turns 12.
Hayate becomes a Genin (ID 011671)
Iruka becomes a Genin (ID 011850).
November 3rd : Yūgao turns 11.
Possibly in the same promotion [ Ninja ID indicates that they graduated after Iruka ] : Yoroi Akado (11), Iwashi (11), Izumo (12), Kotetsu (13) 
Possibly in the same promotion [ No ninja ID, but same age as Iruka ] : Santa Yamanaka, Maen Nara, Iroha Hyūga
Year 12 :
November 2nd : Hayate turns 13.
Hayate becomes Chūnin.
Year 14 :
February 29 : Kabuto turns 10.
Kabuto becomes Genin (ID 012140).
Yugao (13 or 14) becomes Genin (ID 012161).
June 9 : Itachi turns 10.
Itachi becomes Chūnin.
Year 16 : 
April : Sasuke (5) enters the Academy, Itachi (10) becomes ANBU.
May 26 : Iruka turns 16.
Iruka becomes Chūnin. 
July 23rd : Sasuke turns 6.
October 10 : Naruto turns 6.
Year 16-20 :  Iruka (16-20) becomes a teacher at the Academy (in this post, I tried to pinpoint at what age Iruka might have become a teacher).
Year 18 :
 Itachi (13) and Obito (22-23) massacre the Uchiha clan.
Sasuke is 7, Mikoto is 35, Fugaku is 40.
The event happens between the 9th of June (Itachi’s 13th birthday) and the 23rd of July (Sasuke’s 8th birthday).
Academy days : Iruka teaches Naruto, Shikamaru, Chōji and Kiba the leaf exercice ; flashback of the Academy fight between Naruto and Sasuke 
Year 22 :
May 26 : Iruka turns 22. 
Year 23 :
Naruto Part I begins. 
January 1st : Guy turns 26.
January : events of the first chapters. Naruto (12) discovers he is the host of Kyūbi during the incident with Mizuki (27).
May 26 : Iruka turns 23.
June 11th : Kurenai turns 27.
June 24 : Hiruzen announces the upcoming Chūnin exams. All 3 rookie jōnin-sensei enter their students despite Iruka’s protests. 
The Chūnin exams begin on the 1st of July and end on the 1st of August. Orochimaru attacks Konoha.
August 3rd : Funeral for the Third Hokage
Following the destruction of Konoha, every shinobi (including teachers) has to get back in the field and take missions again.
Unclear for how long: in the third Databook, Iruka has completed 3 additional D-rank, 5 C-rank and 16 B-rank missions before being back at the Academy.
End of the year : Naruto and Sasuke fight at the Valley of the End, Sasuke leaves Konoha to join Orochimaru, Naruto leaves with Jiraiya.
Year 25 : The Konoha 11 become Chūnin.
Year 26 :
Naruto (15) and Jiraiya come back to Konoha.
May 26 : Iruka turns 26.
Year 27 :
Pain attack on Konoha.
October 8 : The Third Shinobi War begins ; Iruka goes to Island Turtle to try and keep Naruto out of the war. 
Morning of October 10 : The War ends, everyone awakes from the Infinite Tsukuyomi.
Naruto discovers he has to take classes for two years with Iruka’s help.
Year 28 : Kakashi (32) becomes Hokage ; Sasuke (18) leaves Konoha.
Year 29 : Events of Naruto: The Last.
Year 30 :
Some time before the wedding, Naruto asks Iruka to stand as his father at the wedding.
Naruto and Hinata’s wedding.
March 27 : Boruto is born.
Year 31-39 : At some point, Iruka (31-39) becomes Headmaster of the Academy. 
Year 32 : Himawari is born.
Year 35 : Naruto (24-25) becomes Hokage.
Year 39 :
End of the year : Chapter 700, epilogue. 
Iruka is 39.
Year 42 : Boruto’s generation (12) graduates.
At some point, Iruka takes care of Sarada while Sasuke and Sakura are on a mission ; he teaches her how to cook? I honestly have no idea when the novels happen and what’s going on in them and at this point I’m too afraid to ask. 
Don’t even ask me about Boruto. 
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From left to right : 5-10 yo ; 10 yo (Kurama attack) ; 10-11 yo (Academy) ; 10-11 yo (Academy) ; 12-16 yo (before or newly Chūnin) ; 16-20 yo (young teacher) ; 22 yo (Part I) ; 26-27 yo (Pain attack) ; 27 yo (Fourth Shinobi War) ; 29-30 yo (Naruto’s wedding) ; 39 (Chapter 700)
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dimiclaudeblaigan · 1 year ago
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For anyone annoyed by the Tumblr changes, if you're on desktop I would recommend using XKit Rewritten (and New XKit for any other odd changes you'd like to try out, including even older aspects of Tumblr). It's the older version of Rewritten but most of the extensions on it are still supported/do work). I can't guarantee they'll definitely make a fix for it/a direct fix for this particular UI change, but it's possible that they might since they usually make extensions that allow you to essentially revert changes made to the UI. Other various UI extensions (such as old ones from Tumblr's past UIs that the extensions basically just revert you to) may also help fix up your UI.
As you might expect these extensions need to be on to work/revert the appearance of the UI (so if you turn them off you'll revert to the current state of Tumblr), but while they are on you can curate your UI to look how you want it. This goes for both New XKit and XKit Rewritten. I use both and I couldn't live without them lol. You can get some big oldies of Tumblr's, like classic search on Rewritten or the Tweaks extension (full of various UI tweaks) on New XKit (including the old shade of blue Tumblr used a long time ago that I never stopped using!).
Unfortunately I don't know of any solution for mobile if it affects mobile at any point (or if it already has), but whenever you're on desktop, I would definitely recommend both these versions of XKit. I have so many extensions from them that I often don't even realize when there are UI changes (remember how Tumblr added themes for your dashboard? I didn't even notice for the longest time because I've had New XKit on the whole time) because Tumblr's default coding is overwritten by the extensions I have on.
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memento-morri-writes · 3 months ago
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It's been well over a week now (maybe two??) but I'm still plugging away (ever-so-slowly) at this vignette about Zara and Rook. Zara's POV is a lot of fun to write, now that I have a better sense of her character. Writing this has really solidified in my mind the kind of person she is and how she acted when she was Rook's captain and mentor. She's very calm and collected in comparison to Rook, even when under a lot of stress.
Anyways, have a little snippet that I'm proud of from today, featuring the origins of the coin trick!
Pacing back and forth across her cabin floor, she rolled the coin back and forth over her knuckles again and again. The motion was easy, almost mindless, more muscle memory than real intent. The coin trick had been her favorite way to soothe her nerves for years now. She’d picked it up out of idle curiosity after watching a street performer dining in a tavern in Bon Largo, who had chatted with her for over an hour as she fretted about something mundane, never once dropping the coin from their fingers. The same performer had later tried to steal her coin purse and ended up with nothing but a new scar for their trouble, but Zara had learned two important things from the encounter: Not to trust a warm smile and a pretty face, and that keeping her hands moving kept her mind from dwelling too much on worrisome things.
one-time tagging @space-writes because they commented on my tags about Rook learning the coin trick from Zara in one of my other snippets from this piece.
#morrigan.text#my writing#dnd#dnd writing#oc: Zara#<- I guess she gets a tag now#dnd vignettes#morrigan plays dnd#ngl this vignette is the first thing that I've written in MONTHS that wasn't the product of a single session of manic typing.#so I'm very very proud of myself for that.#it's currently 4001 words long which is a decent chunk!! And there's parts at the beginning that I skipped over at the time but want to go#back and add to at some point.#plus I'm still not at the end of it yet.#there's more I want to get to.#but anyways: I wrote 231 words tonight and I would have written more if not for the DM of Rook's game finally replying to my messages.#who know maybe I'll still write some more before I go to bed. though I probably shouldn't.#the street performer annecdote was probably 20+ years ago now... probably close to the same time she got her tattoo.#(yes Zara has a tattoo. It was an impulse decision when she was young and she regrets it now. Her crew doesn't even know it exists.#it's of a mermaid sitting in a clamshell and it's on her thigh. Very much a stereotypical silly sailor thing that she got without thinking.#She definitely regrets it and wishes it were gone. But thanks to magic ink that never fades it still looks brand new. So... RIP.)#don't ask me why I know so much about Zara. The funny thing is that I don't even know her backstory. The DM is keeping it from me until we#get to the town where she is. That she somehow became the mayor of????? All I know is that she has some kind of history with Wolf.#from well before Rook ever joined her crew. And that Wolf took Rook to get back at her for it. Whatever it is.#and I have no idea how the fuck a former pirate captain became mayor of a port town lmao. In some ways it makes sense in others it doesn't.#I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.#ugh I don't wanna wait though. I've been waiting to meet Zara ever since I made Rook's character over a year and a half ago.#patience Morri. Patience.
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sysig · 11 months ago
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Cool guys, measured in C° (Patreon)
#Doodles#Fionna and Cake#Adventure Time#Simon Petrikov#Winter King#Mostly leftover doodles at this point - chilling (lol)#Ughhh I'm so frustrated by the first one because I'm so pleased with it but it's from a plot thread I had to cut because it suuuuucked lol#I mean it's not Terrible and I probably could reuse it elsewhere but it super doesn't fit into the timeline I drew it at >:P Rude#If I reuse it he'll look different! Ugh! The whole point is that he's cute Exactly Like That!#I got really into draw half-Winterized/Ice Kingified Simon for a bit and gosh heck his design - it never misses! Gorgeous#The rest was mostly around speculating Winter's senses returning after Everything - would it all happen at once? I don't think so ♪#I've seen one interpretation that he kept his long hair but not the facial hair :0 It's interesting to be sure!#I like the idea of him having to kinda build everything back - even if it's able to be done quickly he still has to excavate himself!#Just shoops his facial hair back inside his body egh wouldn't it be easier to just cut it lol#What's the fun in magic if you can't use it for weird stuff ♪#It was fun to draw his facial hair in stages as well haha ♫ Scraggly#Also thinking about him just a touch more in my own style - I made his tongue purpley in the silly BDG shitpost I made but still thinking!#I really like the versions of him that look frostbitten or at least with that bruised look on his knuckles and so on#Something like a nice purple lip gloss - tips of his ears - maybe even around his eyes - definitely his cheeks and knuckles#Making him look almost dead....I mean he's not an elemental :) He's a human who's only real lifeline is The Crown :)#Making him look a little more dead than Simon - it feels fitting#Speaking of - just a couple silly Simon doodles to round off#I'm too used to drawing butts as part of like exaggerated poses :P I'd like to practice a bit more#Him and Spamton lol what Is it with glasses'd long-nosed characters linked to ice magic lately having asses larger than their self worth lol
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hussyknee · 5 months ago
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Day probably-twenty-something-time-isn't real: this flare is not going the fuck away. Still shitting blood. Meds aren't helping. Getting less able to stomach anything. Pain is getting worse. Can barely stand long enough to shower. Probably time to do a blood test and go to the doctor now.
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inaris-mage-of-storms · 2 years ago
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So you know how there's three in-game days per real-world hour in Minecraft? For fanfiction purposes, I started making some notes and doing calculations to figure out how that would translate into things like how long was each Hermitcraft season and Life series in in-game time. You know, things normal people think about at 4 am.
And my results probably aren't anywhere near exact, because trying to hold numbers and calculations in my head is ridiculously difficult and I'm sure I've done something wrong somewhere, but they're close enough for my purposes.
But anyway, when you're writing pining and perceived-unrequited love, looking at it in terms of in-game time puts a WILDLY different spin on things, yikes.
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hippo-pot · 1 year ago
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i'm being so normal about OMitB. Mabel as the hearing counterpart to the Deaf character is not pissing me off. because i am normal
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zorrxchicle · 2 years ago
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so about that "the medieval peasant you're trying to scare with doritos is gonna make you feather and butcher a chicken and you're gonna cry" post... is the implication there that we'll have to kill the chicken ourselves? or just that we're gonna have to like, deal with a whole dead chicken? and if the latter, are whole dead chickens that far removed from the average urban usamerican lifestyle? im really lost here
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harrowharkwife · 2 years ago
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#god i need to go back to therapy but i don't want to unless i can find a therapist#who is experienced in working with autistic adults#i just. ive accepted at this point that om not going to get anywhere#or get anything helpful#out of therapy until/unless i start acknowledging my autism in the process instead of trying to continue pretending it's not there#like. talk therapy just isn't going to be useful for me otherwise. I've hit the ceiling in terms of what progress i can make#without turning over that log#and i just. i really WANT therapy for my autism. not in a 'fix me' sense bc there's nothing wrong with me#i love my autism#but. it's getting to be really god damn fucking painful and embarrassing and heartbreaking feeling like i can't have a fucking conversation#i just. i want to work on my social skills. they didn't use to be this bad idk what happened! the pandemic probably tbh but ugh#i just. never know what to say or how to say it and it feels like im constantly fumbling and im never paying enough attention#to the other person bc im too busy just trying to fucking listen to them and process what they're saying and figure out what to say back#and i just get so nervous about communicating correctly that what comes out of my mouth doesn't match my thoughts at all#i barely even know what i'm saying half the time and that's. terrifying#but it's just so hard finding a therapist already let alone finding one whos a) experienced in evidence based and compassionate autism care#and b) normal and not an ableist freak about it
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