#had 2 stop before i got in my feels
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
planetdream · 1 year ago
Note
ooh do you have any thoughts about sangyeon (the boyz)? 🤭
pleasure dom sangyeon. everything revolves around you and your pleasure. although i do absolutely marvel at the thought of the sangyeon who fucks roughly [and if that’s what you need, then he’ll deliver], he’s such a love maker—wining and dining you, leading you to a bed covered in rose petals with vanilla scented candles lit, eating you out and fucking you in missionary to watch how your face contorts while you moan is name, asking him to give you more. of course, when you ask for more, there’s no other option than for him to grant that wish [plus he’s still achingly hard]. the sweet sweet aftercare, how he runs u a lavender bath, moisturizing you after, small kisses against your forehead ,,, ooouuu now i’m thinking about husband sangyeon wtf 😖
5 notes · View notes
primus-why · 1 month ago
Text
I Feel TFOne Could've Handled This Better...
Hot take but I feel like folks have been really generous with the take that OP was unable to find ~the perfect words~ in the heat of the moment (and thus should be given some grace) when he told D to stand down and "not be like Sentinel"... namely cuz I don't feel that the narrative supports this?
Like-- after all is said and done, OP doesn't reflect on that part of their split. He doesn't have a moment where he seeks validation or voices his regrets over the choice of his words, it's actually cut-and-dry. The narrative (as it stands) supports that OP saw D-16 acting up, so he called him out and stood on business, down to the last scenes where he's basically like "yeah it's a shame but y'all knew I had to do it to 'em."
It didn't have to be much! I'm not saying to absolve Megs, just show OP looking at things from a different perspective/contemplating a bit on that tough choice and the morality of the moment. Some examples of what I wish we had:
B-127 straight up blurting the obvious by later chatting with Orion like, "Wait so you told your best friend that he was acting just as bad as the guy who enslaved us for our entire lives and was torturing him like an hour ago? Oof. Seems kinda harsh." Then have some of OP's regret show on his face.
OP asking Elita-1 after Megs is banished if he did the right thing. Have Elita back his choice up, saying, "You should have seen what he did after you were... gone. It was terrifying. I know it was tough, but you made the right call." OP is grateful for the support, but a conflicted look still flashes across his face before he steels himself to look out towards the horizon... and the future.
Have OP walk past other mechs/former miners who didn't go with the High Guard saying stuff like, "Wish I could've given Sentinel a piece of my mind!" "Yeah, but I'm glad he's gone for good." "Ugh I miss everything." "Oh, it was crazy! Megatron picked him up and then he rrrrriiipped-- oops, hey there, Mr. Optimus... Prime... sir?" And have OP wave hello, looking a bit sick when they leave.
Post-credits scene with Starscream going on and on, asking Megs when they'll be back to teach the upstart Prime a lesson. Megs grabs his face to shut him up. "Patience, Starscream. The Prime thinks I'm no better than Sentinel... but I'll show him. He wants Iacon? He can have it. In the meantime we'll take the rest of the planet! Then I'll come back, crush Prime under my heel, and we'll take Iacon too. Sentinel's reign will barely be a footnote, because I'm about to become Optimus Prime's worst nightmare." The vocal performance would really need to sell this-- like picture Megs saying something like that from a place of anger and hurt, not so much a place of genuine evil or malice.
Basically instead of Orion's assertion being backed up as black and white/good vs bad, I wish we had some different opinions/reactions from the characters sprinkled in there. Like you can't tell me out of allllll the miners who weren't strong enough/willing to go with the High Guard and ended up sticking around that NONE of them were like "eyyo honestly?? Kiiiiinda glad Sentinel is dead. Wish I could have helped, tbh." like come onnnnn...
And you can't even argue that he's not an active threat-- I don't think everyone would see things that way! It's not just about the threat he physically has, but the threat he represents and is very likely to act upon if given the opportunity! He has a proven track record of not only being sneaky and conniving, but also capable of dealing some serious damage/killing people bigger and stronger than him, plus he has the backing of the Quints. All he'd need to do is wriggle his way out of jail and run off to his sponsors, then he'd probably be back to hurt more people! (If the Quints didn't just kill him out of incompetence lmao). There's a lot of "ifs" here, but I think it's a valid argument that not everyone would agree on what is the right or wrong way to handle Sentinel once he was down long enough to, like, do something about him.
I feel the situation needed a bit of nuance. In some way I wish they had kicked the can and had D and Orion bicker while Sentinel escaped, then have D get frustrated enough by the loss of Sentinel to point fingers (and his fusion canon) at Orion, who then falls and becomes OP. (Megs could still show some of thar emotion/remorse right after he does it too.) Not only would this open the door for a sequel, but tbh the Quint might have just killed Sentinel anyways and sought to deal with the miners uprising themselves lol. (Maybe that could have been an after credits scenes too instead of the B-127 bit??)
Would love to see a moment in a sequel where they have a calmer moment after arguing for a bit. Have OP mention how Megs was out of line, that it hurt and even scared him to see him act that way, and Megs can quietly point out "you said I was as bad as Sentinel... is that really how you see me? After everything we went through?"
Then OP can fumble the bag again lmao like "D, I... I'm sorry, that didn't come out right... but you still took things way too far..."
"Why am I not surprised-- your opinion is what matters the most! Maybe that's why you became a Prime, since you're so good at acting like the world revolves around you--!"
*gets interrupted by someone else before another yelling match ensues*
#rambling#transformers one#tf one#tfo#i'll be honest a lot of this stems from how rushed i felt the last like... 3rd of the movie feels#i feel Optimus is so dismissive of Megs!! like basically the whole movie but ESPECIALLY after coming back to life as a Prime???#your best friend is Going Through It. clearing having an Emotional Breakdown.#He drops you. In the moment it mattered most he chose violence... but notice what he says right before that?#Megs says ''I'm done saving you''#Like??? y'all don't wanna delve into that a little more?????#i half expected Optimus to pop up and be like ''excuse me. i wasn't done talking. what Did You Mean By That??''#instead he comes up and IMMEDIATELY has already written off this entire relationship as well.#Megs dropped him. it was a aplit second decision. we see in the movie D leaning into these bad impulses.#Orion is supposed to mature gradually so he's more level-headed by the end. why does that equate to abandoning the friendship??#why does he suddenly wanna drop Megs too? wouldn't this be the time for ''please listen to me'' part 2?#''it doesn't matter who has the matrix. we can make a change for the better! please listen to me'' etc#also minor nitpick but lmao why was OP Talking Like That after becoming Prime?#like he goes from ''haha hey guys hows it goin'' to ''You have used your gifts for Evil and Betrayed the entire planet''#babes what. Cybertron?? we went on a 2 day road trip on foot the fuck you know about Cybertron.#like betrayed Iacon maybe but idk maybe the guys in Tarn would be cool with Megs you dont know! lmao!#if my friend and I had beef and they started talking to me like the queen of england i would literally ask where they got their soapbox.#ohhhh you think you're morally superior? stop speaking for the whole planet lmao!! already named prime and letting it go to his head!!#strange dieties lying in the core of the planet distributing magic baubles that bring you back to life#is no basis for picking a planetary leader#this has been Orion Was Right: The Movie#when i wish there was a bit more.#maybe another 20-30 min would have helped me idk hhhhh#but Megs turn felt sooooo fast... then things just kept escalating from there.#''some transformations are permanent'' sir it's been like 48 hours since y'all learned you lives were a lie.#you *really* don't think Megs could ever cool down and apologize/change his mind?? you too??? tf???
31 notes · View notes
batsplat · 7 months ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Sepang 2006: After an exhausting race, Valentino Rossi brings a chair to the podium and sits down. Loris Capirossi joins him to sit on his lap.
24 notes · View notes
acourtofquestions · 2 months ago
Text
Rowaelin Chapter 41 Kingdom of Ash:
She'd rebuild it—what she had been.
Perhaps one last time, perhaps only for a little while, but she'd do it. If only for Terrasen.
Rowan swooped from the mast, shifting as he reached her side at the rail. He surveyed the night-black sea beyond them. "You should rest." She slid him a glance. "I'm not tired." Not a lie, not in some regards. "Want to spar?" He frowned. "Training can start tomorrow."
"Or tonight." She held his piercing stare, matched his dominance with her own.
"It can wait a few hours, Aelin."
"Every day counts." Against Erawan, even a day of training would count.
Rowan's jaw tightened. "True," he said at last. "But it can still wait. There are ... there are things we need to discuss." The silent words rose in his animal-bright eyes. About you and me.
Her mouth went dry. But Aelin nodded In silence, they strode into their spacious quarters, its only decoration the wall of windows that overlooked the churning sea behind them. A far cry from a queen's chamber, or any she might have purchased as Adarlan's assassin.
At least the bed built into the wall looked clean enough, the sheets crisp and stainless. But Aelin headed for the oak desk anchored to the floor, and leaned against it while Rowan shut the door.
In the dim lantern light, they stared at each other.
She'd endured Maeve and Cairn; she'd endured Endovier and countless other horrors and losses. She could have this conversation with him. The first step toward rebuilding herself.
Aelin knew Rowan could hear her thundering heart as the space between them went taut. She swallowed once. "Elide and Lorcan told you... told you everything that was said on that beach."
A curt nod, wariness flooding his eyes. "Everything that Maeve said." Another nod.
She braced herself. "That I'm-we're mates."
Understanding and something like relief replaced that wariness. "Yes."
"I'm your mate," she said, needing to voice it. "And you are mine."
Rowan crossed the room, but halted a few feet from the desk on which she leaned. "What of it, Aelin?" His question was low, rough.
"Don't you..." She scrubbed at her face. "You know what she did to you, to ..." She couldn't say her name. Lyria. "Because of it."
"I do know."
"And?"
"And what do you wish me to say?"
She pushed off the desk. "I wish you to tell me how you feel about it. If…"
"If what?"
"If you wish it wasn't so."
His brows narrowed. "Why would I ever wish that?"
She shook her head, unable to answer, and stared over her shoulder toward the sea.
It seemed like he would close the distance between them, but he remained where he was.
"Aelin." His voice turned hoarse. "Aelin."
She looked at him then, at the pain in his words.
"Do you know what I wish?" He exposed his palms, one tattooed, the other unmarked. "I wish that you had told me. When you realized it. I wish you had told me then."
She swallowed against the ache in her throat. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"Why would it ever hurt me to know the truth that was already in my heart? The truth I hoped for?"
"I didn't understand it. I didn't understand how it was possible. I thought maybe ... maybe you might be able to have two mates within a lifetime, but even then, I just ….." She blew out a breath. "I didn't want you to be distressed." His eyes softened. "Do I regret that Lyria was dragged into this, that the cost of Maeve's game was her life, and the life of the child we might have had? Yes. I regret that, and I wish it had never happened." He would bear the tattoo to remember it for the rest of his days. "But none of that was your fault. I will always carry some of the burden of it, always know I chose to leave her for war and glory, and that I played right into Maeve's hands."
"Maeve wanted to ensnare you to get to me, though."
"Then it is her choice, not yours."
Aelin ran a hand over the worn wood of the desk. "In those illusions she spun for me, she showed me variations on one more than all the others." The words were strained, but she forced them out. Forced herself to look at him. "She spun me one dreamscape that felt so real I could smell the wind off the Staghorns."
"What did she show you?" A breathless question.
Aelin had to swallow before she could answer. "She showed me what might have been—if there had been no Erawan, if Elena had dealt with him properly and banished him. If there had been no Lyria, none of that pain or despair you endured. She showed me Terrasen as it would have been today, with my father as king, and my childhood happy, and..." Her lips wobbled. "When I turned twenty, you came with a delegation of Fae to Terrasen, to make amends for the rift between my mother and Maeve. And you and I took one look at each other in my father's throne room, and we knew."
She didn't fight the stinging in her eyes. "I wanted to believe that was the true world. That this was the nightmare from which I'd awaken. I wanted to believe that there was a place where you and I had never known this suffering and loss, where we'd take one look at each other and know we were mates. Maeve told me she could make it so. If I gave her the keys, she'd make it all possible." She wiped at her cheek, at the tear that escaped down it. "She spun me realities where you were dead, where you'd been killed by Erawan and only in handing over the keys to her would I be able to avenge you. But those realities made me ... I stopped being useful to her when she told me you were gone. She couldn't get me to talk, to think. Yet in the ones where you and I met, where things were as they should have been ... that was when I came the closest."
His swallow was audible. "What stopped you?"
She wiped at her face again. "The male I fell in love with was you. It was you, who knew pain as I did, and who walked with me through it, back to the light. Maeve didn't understand that. That even if she could create that perfect world, it wouldn't be you with me. And I'd never trade that, trade this. Not for anything." He extended his hand. An offer and invitation.
Aelin laid hers atop his, and his callused fingers squeezed gently. "I wanted it to be you," he breathed, closing his eyes. "For months and months, even in Wendlyn, I wondered why you weren't my mate instead. It tore me up, wondering it, but I still did." He opened his eyes, and they burned like green fire. "All this time, I wanted it to be you."
She lowered her gaze, but he hooked a thumb and forefinger around her chin and lifted her face.
"I know you are tired, Fireheart. I know that the burden on your shoulders is more than anyone should endure." He took their joined hands and laid them on his heart. "But we'll face this together. Erawan, the Lock, all of it.
"We'll face it together. And when we are done, when you Settle, we will have a thousand years together. Longer."
A small sound came out of her. "Elena said the Lock requires—"
"We'll face it together," he swore again.
"And if the cost of it truly is you, then we'll pay it together. As one soul in two bodies.
Her heart strained to the point of cleaving. "Terrasen needs a king."
"I have no intention of ruling Terrasen without you. Aedion can have the job."
She scanned his face. He meant every word He brushed the hair from her face, his other hand still clasping hers to his chest, where his heart pounded a steady, unfaltering rhythm.
"Even if I had my choice of any dream-realities, any perfect illusions, I would still choose you, too."
She felt the truth of his words echo into the unbreakable thing that bound their very souls, and tilted her face up toward his. But he made no move beyond it.
She frowned. "Why aren't you kissing me?"
"I thought you might want to be asked first."
"That never stopped you before."
"This first time, I wanted to make sure you were ... ready." After Cairn and Maeve. After months of having no choices whatsoever.
She smiled despite that truth. "I'm ready to be kissed again, Prince."
He let out a dark chuckle and muttered, "Thank the gods," before he lowered his mouth to hers.
"You're my mate." Her words were a breathless rush. "And I am yours."
The world might have been burning around them for all she cared, all he cared, too.
"Together, Aelin," he promised, and she heard the rest of the words in every place their bodies joined. Together they would face this, together they would find a way.
Together we'll find a way, their mingling breaths, the crashing sea, seemed to echo.
Together.
#Chapter 41#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Aelin Galathynius#Rowan Whitethorn#Rowaelin#soulmates#mates#spoilers and notes in tags cause this chapter and also spoilers in post cause this chapter first read react with me read along#Rowaelin chapters scenes moments quotes#they want to make it possible bring that love to light#am I allowed to cry? — Again the word endured — finally the dream — the sand she still sees — he’s magic being steady — them talking time#again if Maeve could convince Rowan Lyria was his mate how bad was it when she convinced Aelin her actual mate was dead… this hurts me…#the fact Aelin stopped being useful because it destroyed her beyond belief but the dreams the dreams almost got her because its all she wan#again then both feeling sorry and the other not realizing and then consent and then comfort and love & I just wanted it2be U how could I no#I know you are tired Fireheart (ALL THE TROPES IN ONE LINE… UGH I MISSED THIS SHIP)#together. one soul in two bodies. their endgame like literally they are. I’d choose you too. even the apologies that were needed just heali#what it might have once been — together — not alone — not returning alone — the king and queen of Terrasen — I need u more — 2 whatever end#Aelin watched the boat until it disappeared trying not to stare too long at the clean unstained sand beneath her boots#always north — she didn’t care she just wanted far away — who knew — what she knew-the letters she sent-Valg-dark blood that had turned red#If it had been another dreamscape or some fragment that had blended into the very real memory of Connall's death. — always a plab&theory#all these things to deal with later-she’d rebuild all she had been-her match helper mirror-matched his piercing stare with her own-wait/res#A far cry from a queen's chamber or any she might have purchased as Adarlan's assassin. — how far we’ve come-she had ENDURED she can do it#I'm your mate she said needing to voice it. And you are mine. — Lyria. — I do know. and?&what do you wish me to say?-this was perfect#If what? If you wish it wasn't so. His brows narrowed. Why would I ever wish that? — Aelin. she looked at him at the pain in his words#the way it's changed since Mistward... and grown... even in names like Whitethorn Galathynius together — the brain thoughts are back —#The kiss was gentle-light. Letting her decide how to guide it. So she did. — he’d do it all night if that was what’s he wished#Together we'll find a way their mingling breaths the crashing sea seemed to echo. Together. — mountains and oceans#Might’ve been before-thought snapped-the bond- u r my mate&I am urs-the world might have been burning for all she cared all he cared too#Together they would face this together they would find a way. — claiming him as he claimed her — a scar a marker a tattoo
8 notes · View notes
dreadful-luck · 3 months ago
Text
GGS TEAM PAST!!!
Tumblr media Tumblr media
#DUUUDE THIS WAS SO FUN#dreadful#veji#art#splatoon#splatoon 3#grand festival#grand fest splatoon#Man I shed like a few tears by the end of the reveal news thing#Like not out of sadness cause my team lost but just from the joy that all this happened and I was here for it.#I never got to experience splatoon 2’s final fest so I’ve waited 3 years for this and I’m…. Just so happy!#If you couldn’t tell from the colours in the drawing I’m team future btw#I laughed so hard seeing the results lol we got NOTHING#Oh and I guess I should put my reasoning for my pick of future#so here it is:#I picked it because the future scares me. But it’s gonna happen anyway so I might as well look forward to it#I can’t let myself worry about where I’ll end up and who I’ll be when I’m older#But I do need to keep looking forward#I also chose it cause of deep cut. Like that was a big factor in my choice#Their music shaped my tastes. I just love it so much#And sure the characters themselves aren’t as fleshed out as the other idols#But they still mean a lot to me as splatoon 3 is the game that got me into the franchise#Even though I played 2 before 3 could never fully enjoy it as I came too late#I missed every splatfest cause I got it a year before splat3#So I could never connect the way I did to 3#Hearing anarchy rainbow for the first time changed me man. I fell in love instantly. It just means so much.#As an autistic person I actually surprisingly don’t really stim that much. But hearing anarchy rainbow just… flipped a switch.#I couldn’t stop moving. Literally like DJ Octavio man. It was a crazy experience to just feel like I had to move.#to walk around or something. To wave and flap my arms. Copy their dances. It sounds a little weird and childish when it’s written down#But it’s true. Splatoon’s music showed me that my autistic stimming was something I should embrace.
7 notes · View notes
danielnelsen · 4 months ago
Text
things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
7 notes · View notes
dragons-and-yellow-roses · 4 months ago
Text
I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.
I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.
Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?
#i should be able to block all music i listened to on Spotify from 2018-2020. i was not doing well and i dont need the reminders pls#im fine this was just kinda reflective#so much of what i do was inspired by her. i havent spoken to her in three years. we havent been friends for five#but my first painting was a gift to her. i started knitting because she knitted. i got so much music from her#we bonded heavily over music. and i used it to cope after she left. so unfortunately shes mixed into so much of it#she got me into dnd which got me into a different ttrpg im playing now (unknown armies)#shes a big reason i applied to the summer camp i worked at for six years#and a big reason i took the position i had the last two years. and the reason i told our camp legend (long story)#she was in my christmas in july gift i gave and received this year#i dont think ill ever be able to forget her. on good nights thats a good thing. its reassuring. she'll always be with me#but on bad nights. i feel like im never going to stop missing her#i was knitting tonight while listening to music. as the post suggests. and i was just overcome with her#this is the bed i was in when she called and left me. this is the bedroom we used to video call to practice sign language in#oh theres another one. i was going to be an asl interpreter. years ago in another life. i always practiced with her#we're both autistic and asl is easier than speaking a lot of the time#fuck. it reminds me of the ship of theseus. its 2:30am so i wont be able to explain well but#no actually i tried and i cannot explain. youll just have to understand. some days i wish i ciuld replace all the parts that were her#and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her#if i ever consciously decided to stop knitting (which i may have to do soon) it will feel like im replacing a board that was hers#how many of my boards are hers? are any of hers mine anymore? how many of hers can i lose before shes gone?#that last one was asked with fear and hope. and fear. depending on the day#god im tired. goodnight
3 notes · View notes
Text
I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.
I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.
There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.
That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.
25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.
Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.
It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.
I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like
I dunno
Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.
I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?
All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.
I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.
#i really wanted to believe that if i just sat down and did the math i'd be able to figure it out.#but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do all this.#i suppose i could sleep less. it's...not great for me to get less than 9 hrs a day#but i could probably pull it off for brief stints#a week on a week off or something#get an extra two hours a day that way#and then of course there's my old go to#i could just stop eating or taking care of myself#lord knows it's my well-being that restri ts my time more than anything else#and if i work myself to death like mom did instead of committing suicide at least the life insurance pays out#in case anyone gives wifey inheritance trouble#i already don't eat until dinner so that part won't give me a TON of extra time#but an hour a day at the end of the night to write does sound lovely so it might be worth it#on the weeks i sleep less i could use my 2 extra hours a day to do ingredient prep so that wifey's food doesn't go to waste as much#maybe even work on the garden and the yard's facilities a bit. i have a few projects that need time and attention so those'd fot in#if i cut my pain meds too i could put an extra $50/week back in my budget and i could use that for project supplies and emergency funds#god even thinking about this is making me so tired.#i don't know what this will leave of me#i've been doing this so long now#feels like the last time i remember having a consistent hour to myself every day was my BA sophomore year#and that was the first time too lmao#i'd spent high school waking up at 3am every day after going to bed at 12am because I needed to do my hw in the mornings#my bus left at 7:30am and i had to do all my paper assignments - make myself lunch for the day - wash dishes/tidy the kitchen - and THEN#i could finally make sure i had my shit together for the bus and maybe nap for 5min#then i didn't get home from school until 4pm and i had to fix the kitchen from whatever my parents did before i got back#then make dinner for the family#then clean the living room from whatever the pets had dome all day#then take the dog for her nightly walk and take a shower#and usually sometime after dinner around 9pm I would get permission to run to my room and try to get a head start on my hw before 11pm#that was my lights out curfew so it gave me a blessed single guaranteed hour to do something for me.....assuming i could stay conscious
3 notes · View notes
depresseddepot · 5 months ago
Text
I'm trying to find ways to slowly ease my way into taking walks (debilitating social anxiety) so I was going to download pokemon go again but my phone is too old :(
#im actually very upset abt this lol#all of the other tricks ive found rely on having a dog to walk#and like i would love to get my own dog but i absolutely cannot afford one lmao#so i guess i just. still can't go on walks#nobody seems to understand just how impossible it is for me to walk down the street when im not trying to get somewhere#like just going for a walk for fun/to look at nature feels like im being killed#people are LOOKING at me and when someone even so much as glances at me while im walking i instantly feel like I'm doing something wrong#or like they're going to misunderstand my sort of odd behaviors#i can't walk slow because they'll think im a stalker. i can't walk fast because ill get out of breath and they'll think im disgusting#i can't keep a normal pace because im too nervous and i just spend the whole time tense and hate myself even more when i get home#like. what the hell am i supposed to do lol#getting a dog is the only way i think i could stop myself from spiraling like that bc of COURSE im walking slow and leisurely.#im walking my dog. my dog wants to smell and has to poop or whatever#im no longer a freaky fat stalker im just some guy walking my dog#this became more of a vent than i was expecting lmao but if anyone has any actual tangible tips for how to go on walks i would appreciate it#when i had to walk 2 miles to class i used to take a small part of an edible right before i got on the bus lmao and that worked WONDERS#but i don't want to have to do that just to walk around my own neighborhood when i eventually move out#i just want to be normal lmao i want to go out and find bugs and look at leaves#i guess i could walk in the woods but what if i get lost#i want to be able to look at stuff. i want to be able to stop and look at a plant while some person passes by me#without feeling like im going to blow up or like they're going to hit me or like IM going to hit THEM#im used to anxiety but i always feel so erratic in public places. when everyone wore masks i was a little better#i still mask most of the time but it doesn't help anymore bc now im like one of the only people that does it#so now instead of blending in AND having my face covered i just stand out more#my face is still covered so it still helps but its like barely a net positive lmao#i want to be able to look around without worrying that someone is looking at me from their window and thinks im a stalker#truly how the hell am i supposed to do that without a dog lol
2 notes · View notes
peridots-pixiwolf · 2 years ago
Text
Tumblr media
[Start ID. A drawing of two scavengers from Rain World, one labelled Sanic and the other one Shrek. Sanic's fur is light brown, with darker extremities, a messy row of pale green spines down its back, and bright blue eyes. They sit contentedly, staring at the screen, with a couple grenades by its feet. Shrek has pale fur, a green head, hands, and feet, and brown eyes. It's facing to the right, with their arms splayed out and an explosive spear on their back. Beside each scavenger are a few woefully-compressed screencaps of their in-game appearance. End ID]
An ode to these silly beasts, who accompanied me on my second visits to Industrial and Chimney
#peridots-art#rain world#scavenger rain world#...usually only draw set characters of games and not. creatures. so that's new for me#absolutely love specbioing these guys though!! buggifying them scratches the right itch in my brain especially when they could reasonably#be buggy in canon!!#bugs#clarification on the ''shrek is maybe two guys'' thing ahead. first we'll argue for One Guy#1. both found in the same region at the same time 2. remarkably similar coloring and mannerisms (seemed to be the pack leader)#and now evidence supporting the two different guys theory:#1. travelled with a different pack of scavengers the second time vs when i found it 2. second time had slightly duller colors and noticably#longer horns (without the little gradient at the end)#so now you see why i didn't notice anything wrong until after reviewing the screenshots. BUT!!! secret third option!!!#the first one with the short horns was found first when i was using the entrance-to-industrial shelter#and the one i mostly relied on for reference was near the higher shelter. shrek numero dos. the canon shrek.#but i have a screenshot of shrek 1 in the place shrek 2 was found. hanging out with one of shrek 2's pack members no less.#ok now that that's ''settled''. don't let this all distract you from the fact that the simple act of SWITCHING TO THE SHADING LAYER#got me out of a four-month-long mental rut. i can't say that it was depression nor that i know anything about depression in the first place#but even if it wasn't very serious? it Sucked. even if it was just a nagging thought at the back of my mind my life was duller somehow#i started to feel a little unmotivated. lonely. anxious. like the days blend together. the things i liked weren't bringing as much joy#and all of that got worse recently. the main reason i haven't posted any art for like a month? art stopped being fun.#which is a TERRIBLE thing for someone like me who loves to draw so so much. so when everything that's been building up over the past months#just vanished completely? without warning? you better believe i teared up over a doodle of a scavenger for making me feel right again.#i'm overjoyed to be free of it. i'm hopeful again! i love myself again! i can fall in love with the world all over again!!!#i have no idea how this happened. but i have motivation and determination and i feel like i can change my life for the better now. if i try#maybe this was my normal but it's the striking opposite of what I've been feeling--i'm finally proud of my accomplishments! and of myself!!#which was something i couldn't say in earnest even before december.#and reader? i call you tag-wanderer for i have no way of knowing who you are. maybe a treasured mutual or maybe a stranger. but i love you.#and i hope you make your way out.#peridots-described
31 notes · View notes
phagodyke · 7 months ago
Text
ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
2 notes · View notes
doveotion · 8 months ago
Note
what medication do you think you need and why
honestly I have no clue but I do know I need SOMETHING. I for sure I know I have depression. as for any other diagnosis I'm unsure but my friends have told me (who are diagnosed with these) I probably have quiet bpd/autism🧍🏻‍♀️
2 notes · View notes
terryfuckingturniptruck · 2 years ago
Text
Called out of work today and I feel super guilty.
3 notes · View notes
todayisafridaynight · 2 years ago
Note
What’s the moment in Yakuza that made you go “I’m In.” As in the moment that made you obsessed.
there wasnt ever really one Singular moment that made me go 'ok im obsessed now', it just kinda gradually happened and now here we are almost a year later
#snap chats#it'll be a whole year on wednesday heugh heugh#i really couldnt tell you what it was tho. i guess after i beat y0?#because i remember beating y0 and thinking 'wow this was a great game i wanna see the rest' and wanting to play yk1#i was really depressed that week and i saw the rest of the series was Practically on sale so i was like 'fuck it why not'#that was a good day though. i was still pretty gloomy but it was nice just snacking on pizza i got and playing yk1#i felt like a proper kid for once. even though i was 20 ☠️ but i never got that exp growing up so w/e#god thats so weird though that was a year ago at this point... it doesnt even feel like its been a year#i started y0 years ago but stopped after lee died ☠️ i remember telling myself i really wanted to finish the game but it just didnt happen#well. now it has happened LMAO so glad i finally finished it#its always a coin flip whenever i get into series tbh#ill either love it and become wholly obsessed with it and make a blog for it#or i'll just love it quietly there really is no in between#i had a moment like that with Y7 tho. it was the second ichi started talkin bout dq </3#'snap i thought you said that was the moment you fell in love with ichi' ok and. it was both. loving ichi means loving y7#my initial reactions to y7 are soemthin ill always cherish like of course ive always been invested in the games and the plot#but y7 felt like the first time i was REALLY invested and i was eager to keep playing#not saying the other games /werent/ interesting ofc but like. with y7 it as just different#also because y7 was the first and only rgg game i showed my friend (we only got to chapter 2 before she just. stopped acting like i existed#plus before she went home we were driving to get sushi and i was just asking her how she felt bout the game so far#and yk she gave reasonable answers and even started theorizing (she was totally right about arakawa not actually trying to kill ichi)#but then we just sat in my car in silence for a sec before i was just like '..so what'd you think bout jo' because im Not Subtle#and she was really on my same bullshit wavelength immediately and we just spent the rest of the car ride talking about him LVKJAELKJ#i was so glad she ALSO 'Really Liked Him' frame one vVLKAV#its always funny whenever we find the same characters attractive like. it happened once in a blue moon cause our tastes are Just Different#but when we would agree it was the funniest shit we were such goons- I REMEMBER WE MADE A HOT-OR-NOT TIER LIST ONCE LVKJVKLA#we're so unserious about it because generally we just. Arent attracted to people that much so when it does happen Lmao#i miss it. i miss having a friend to play games with.. i miss having a friend to hang out with in general tbh i miss being silly (;´д`)#IVE RAMBLED ON SO LONG SORRY IM RUNNING OUT OF TAGS but yeah. there's That answer
5 notes · View notes
has-brain-rot · 2 years ago
Text
(vent) I went to the pharmacy 'cause I need to get an appointment made for some medical stuff and also get a refill on my T (the app is shit and keeps breaking so I keep ordering and it doesn't go through AND I can't change the branch I go to) ANDealrngkalkerg
LITERALLY I'm crossing the street, and it's cold here so I'm wearing a passed down big ol working snow jacket with a mask (I effectively look like a red blob with legs and a head). AND THIS GUY, He rolls down his window and starts trying to talk to me.
I do not know this man. I literally am just walking back home. His car is stopped for the lights and he's yelling at me so I'll speak to him.
alrkgmlaekrmg I feel very violent right now like why. there is no need. I ignored him and the light went green but fuckin hell why.
I'm also at the transition point where I thought I passed and do (as a young teen, but hey passing is passing) but apparently not to old creepy men when they see me in my dad's old winter jacket and a mask <- they make me want to commit unspeakable acts of violence. I won't cuz I'm a pacifist but-)
4 notes · View notes
caffeinatedopossum · 2 years ago
Text
I just realized something really sad
I have two best friends outside of tumblr (my only irls that aren't roommates basically) and one of them I try to talk to constantly but she doesn't always respond, in fact she kind of barely does. I want to talk to her all the time but I always feel like I'm boring her or like she doesn't understand why I can't do some of the things I can't do.
The other one is always trying to talk to me, usually trying to call me. But I rarely ever pick up or respond or text first. My relationship with her is really complicated because some of my alters are very hurt from some things she did a while ago, others just don't trust her, and then the ones that front when we talk love her.
I have so many mixed feelings and the switches triggered by that mean I always don't answer or forget because I have dissociative amnesia about her trying to contact me in the first place... I don't know, I don't want to make excuses for myself but I genuinely don't know if this is a valid reason for treating her the way I do or if I'm an awful friend. Of course, it could also be both. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel neglected by me like I sometimes do with my other friend.
#for some context about what the things that hurt these alters were ill elaborate here in the tags#so me and friend 2 have been friends for a very long time. since i was about 13-14 and were both adults now#i was raised Christian and it deeply traumatized me. i didnt deconvert until i was about 17 and even then was back and forth#i know theres a lot of variability in Christianity and maybe not everyone raised Christian will be traumatized#but i really really was. and if youve seen some of my posts about my religious trauma youll know why#when i was 18 i had just moved out of my moms house and was basically crashing on a friends couch/floor#i was extremely stressed and vulnerable at the time#and during that time my friend tried to reconvert me#i dont remember exactly what she said but it devolved into arguing and i had a panic attack over it at least once#we didnt talk for a while#shes also stated pretty directly before that she believes being transgender (which i am) is wrong#i let it slide because she apologized and stopped pushing the matter#she almost never brings it up anymore#and parts of me forgive her but other parts don't#i feel like i should also talk about the ways that shes a good friend because this is gonna make it seem really one sided otherwise#so for one shes been with me through the hardest years of my life#talking me down from taking my life late into the nights... being there when no one else was... reminding me that im worth something#shes been patient and kind and supportive all this time#she was also the person who eventually got me to realize that my parents and even my siblings were abusive and neglectful#which was a very big deal for me#i wouldnt have lived this long without her suppory#even now she checks in on me#making sure im not suicidal and reminding me that shes here for me#always reaching out if i havent responded in a while just to make sure im okay#she also struggles with a lot of the same stuff as me having had ptsd depression and an eating disorder before#so she helps me feel less alone#but now i dont ever feel close to her#and i dont know if i ever will again#i feel cruel for not telling her the truth if i haven't forgiven her yet but I don't think itd do any good for her to know
2 notes · View notes