#LOL sorry im gonna stop ranting now

[doveotion]

what medication do you think you need and why

honestly I have no clue but I do know I need SOMETHING. I for sure I know I have depression. as for any other diagnosis I'm unsure but my friends have told me (who are diagnosed with these) I probably have quiet bpd/autism🧍🏻‍♀️

[kaidanalenkosprmanager]

THE BEST OF SHENKO 1/?

The end of the world has a way of reminding you of all the things you forgot to say do. Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)

[void-hugs]

we owe it to ourselves and to others to be authentic and united

it's not only how we survive but how we thrive

- 🧡

[girlivealwaysbean]

im so embarrassed I told this teacher from my class that I will study her subject on my own when she texted to ask why wasn't i attending batches and

[notaboutmeeee]

Its been so many years so my memory doesn't have all the info anymore and yeah sadly many accounts have deactivated or videos been deleted...

And I only started watching the show during s3 but there must've been a shift in s3. Because during s1 and s2 the show and actors didn't mind talking about sterek and teasing the fans/ship. Very clearly showing they knew what it was and how many people were interested in it. Holding contests, asking for votes for awards/noms

And then from s2 to 3 suddenly stiles and derek have very little screen time together, few scenes, and even the actors mentioned it. Coincidentally in s3 both characters got new female love interests (aside from lydia, almost erica and kate in previous seasons). And who knows if it's a coincidence that jennifer/Julia looks similar to stiles (as does paige) Or just an unlucky happenstance. And that Cora was Derek's sister, and malia Derek's cousin... plus the whole bi stiles baiting which was also insane

At least s3 kinda had an interesting story so fans stuck with the show even if they weren't totally happy. (Oh and in s3 we got the danny ethan couple, so teen wolf was fine with pairing up gay characters as long as they were disposable side characters, and s5 there was Mason and corey also disposable side characters)

And because teen wolf loves giving many of its fans exactly what they don't want, we got few sterek scenes (less than s3?) In s4 and fucking kate again. But this time the story couldn't distract us plus they added so many new characters it was like a new worse version of tw...

And then hoechlin abruptly (understandably) left the show.

Not to forget the bwt interview that was quite a slap in the face to sterek fans after the cast had only spoken 'kindly' of it the years previous . And then the 'if you're watching the show for sterek you're watching it for the wrong reason' (paraphrasing, can't remember the quote right now). Plus the sterek ban..

Also during s1 and s2 there's plenty of interviews hoechlin and dylan did together (as duo or group)..and then suddenly you'll have trouble finding interviews with both together and if they are both present there'll be 10 people sitting between them not letting them interact anymore.

Actors like Colton and Holland calling themselves captain of the sterek ship... the we're on a ship video, the fake announcement with hand holding at sdcc '12

Then at cons or in interviews we have dylan and hoechlin talking about how they pitched scenes to Jeff and the writers, stiles and derek/sterek scenes. And they were ignored or given to other characters which is such a disrespect. And had fans upset bc their suggestions were scenes that would've meant sth to the characters and relationship and would've felt real and been good TV.

The fact that to this day we don't know why sterek never happened? They just ignored its existence while still profiting off of the few scenes they could squeeze in

A dishonorable mention that's important in my opinion is also how the toxic tw Fandom is also a reason some people moved away, it certainly drove me away for a while. Why would I want to be present in a Fandom where you get called a creep and weird and disrespectful and more ...

When you (sterek fandom) get shot at from all sides even though you literally played a major role in teen wolf making it to even season 3 (maybe even 2?)... and some point you have enough

But apparently mtv/Jeff didn't have enough because they wanted to bait sterek fans yet again for the movie..however sterek fans for a large part don't give a shit. Like we'll have one person sacrifice their sanity so they can make gifts and pics and clips and then only interact with that . Why watch the movie when we can actually write or create what we want ourselves?

But sure, stereks are the villains for expanding on the very limited character info, giving derek and stiles more life than Jeff ever could. For bringing a ship to life simply because dylan and hoech have such great chemistry, so Jeff can't take the credit. For creating more art for our ship than other ships did for theirs. For thinking about what was established in the show, not shrugging off their past but thinking about the fire and kate and stiles' mom and his dad's alcoholism (?). For calling out teen wolf because they refused to keep track of their lore. Getting called crazy for simply using previously established lore on sterek scenes, and deducing stiles must be Derek's anchor, that stiles and derek probably hung out a lot off screen to know so much about each other/risk their life and career for each other,that derek probably broke through a love spell bc of his trust in stiles, why did stiles have dereks name on the king, why was derek so protective of stiles who was nogitsune, ..

i've watched some sterek videos over the past few months since the movie dropped of people trying to analyze the ship and like so much of it is that you had to be there.

teen wolf fandom was one of those first fandoms that really broke down the 4th wall. davis got run off tumblr for fuck's sake and deleted his twitter if memory serves.

so much of this context is now attached to deleted twitters and deactivated tumblrs.

perhaps one day i'll dig into my tags and hunt stuff down because i remember things. things like the actor for matt dahler commenting on his character's "pretty good pair" line in season 2 and how it got fandom in a titter because it was a shoutout. teen wolf social media was good at getting engagement by teasing all sorts of utter bullshit. they were very good at the carrot and stick method to keep fans coming back again and again and again.

but these post-show autopsies lack this kind of context and over rely on the boat videos for teen choice and posey's comments.

there were a lot of things that sort of culminated together that had people shipping the pairing and abandoning the show. it was not exclusive to be a sterek shipper to eventually leave the show.

it's really kind of fascinating.

[that-one-loz-nerd]

Love it when a friend who has a crush on you that you've told them you don't reciprocate compliments you continuously in a way that's definitely more romantic than platonic :)

[akiraarabella]

PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND SOMETHING!

(A tdp rant in disguise lol)

So we know that cosmic justice or whatv tf they are called gave the order for leola's execution bc she 'gave' humans magic, yes they specifically said gave. Not taught, not showed but "gave". Thats what they said. They also said that "...This act, however motivated, is the beginning of the end. The start of the long slow spiral to chaos..." Suggesting that cosmic order is now broken.

So these startouched elves are just chilling around doing nothing instead of protecting the cosmic order but the second its broken they're the ones who find people at fault as if they're not the actual reason for it???

Im sorry but that whole conversation is just weird. If they see leola's act as "the beginning of the end" that only proves that they have the knowledge of future. They HAD to know what was gonna happen in the future to find her guilty, that is the only explanation for them to give a death sentence to leola. And that only begs the question of 'if they knew what was gonna happen why did they still let it happen instead of trying to stop it???'

Idk they could have not let leola have any human friends. If this is about the ORDER of the COSMIC then i like to believe that its important. So they could've just warned Aaravos bro. Tell him the reason of it so that he could keep an eye out for his girl so she wouldn'tt get snatched by some random startouch elf. Also if the golden dragon (aka sol regem) saw leola and immediately snitched to the cosmic council that means he also knew what she was doing would break the order of the cosmic. Tf is that about? A random dragon knows about the cosmic law but not Aaravos, a startouch elf??????

Plus, If they can see the chaos of the future then shouldnt they also take Aaravos to this cosmic justice since HE is the one that ACTUALLY causes half, if not all of the damage to get revenge???

AND EVEN SO, THE WHOLE "THE LONG SLOW SPIRAL OF CHAOS" SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE STATE OF THE WORLD RIGHT??? LIKE IT BASICALLY MEANS THE WORLD IS GONNA BE FUCKED IN THE FUTURE, AND THE ONLY DANGER FOR THE WORLD RIGHT NOW IS AARAVOS! IF YOU HAD THE POWER TO KILL A CHILD BC SHE IS THE TRIGGER FOR THIS CHAOS, WHY NOT KILL THE FATHER TOO SINCE HE IS THE ACTUAL CHAOS?!

im sorry im mad lol

Its just stupid. The so called cOsMiC cOuNCiL is nothing but BS. Leola had no reason to get executed. Bring me those elves i just wanna talk.

[quibble-auk]

Yk what no one asked for? My art process.

At least when it comes to drawing transformers... I don't put a lot of my other stuff up here haha. This guide probably won’t help with drawing TFP stuff tho. I like sticking to my cubes.

Who knows. Maybe this can help someone. Or provide amusement cause I have no idea what I'm doing. Just thought l'd share some stuff lol. And an unpopular art opinion.

So yeah, my secrets. Which like.... my art isn’t incredibly impressive or anything but... you get the point.

If you ever really wanted to try out whatever my style is called, here’s your guide. Along with a tutorial on how I draw Sunstreaker, but it’s like 5 steps lol.

I apologize in advance for the sheer amount of yapping I’m about to do. I’m just trying to makes sense

~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the part where I share my tips and tricks yippee! Small disclaimer, I just kinda do half of this stuff as a go. There is no real order to this. I’m basically just explaining how my style works (despite how much my style varies tbh)

There’s a general build for the body that I’m pretty sure most people have figured out. The head, chest, torso, and weird hip thingy. Then the legs are broken into two main segments, the arms are broken into three, shoulder, upper arm, lower arm.

Here we go, unpopular art opinion rant.

When I make my base I usually work from the head down. Don’t be afraid to use the lasso tool to readjust the sizes of different components. If the head you started with has the right angle but is too small, lasso it and make it bigger. If ur doing traditional, sorry, you’re just gonna have to redraw it.

I’ll usually try and clean up overlapping lines, but I wanted yall to see the shapes before I did that.

Then we can start adding details. I look at other artist’s designs and the source material and pick out reoccurring traits that will help make the character easily identifiable.

I tend to add the most detail to the head simply because that’s what is commonly used to identify characters. Usually when designing my version of a character I allow myself to kinda make up details for this part.

But do feel free to add your own details to make sure people can tell it’s “your” design!

These are still very simple shapes and not detailed whatsoever. We are keeping it basic on purpose.

Very loose shapes, extremely vague idea. Just putting down the most identifiable parts that are important in building it, if that makes sense. I put down the bare minimum for this.

You really don't want to over complicate things. It makes it difficult for the viewer to figure out what's going on. A crowded design is distracting and unappealing. The simpler the better.

So now we have our sketch layer done. Because I'm impatient, it's line art time baby!

I end up just kind of feeling it out with line art. There will be some changes between the sketch and the line art. I’ll also use line weight to just general shading stuff sometimes. In this one it’s not very consistent but I was kinda losing motivation cause… adhd my beloved.

This is pretty self explanatory. Use your sketch to outline what you want, adding details as you go. I'll still leave my lines pretty loose and messy for most of these, just because it adds a bit more... character? Makes it feel more authentic? But feel free to clean it up as much as your little heart desires.

Smth im really passionate about is not overcomplicating the designs and crowding it. I know I already mentioned it once but… yeah.

While adding a bunch of detail can be cool, if not executed right, it can become overwhelming and difficult to understand visually. Keep it simple, you don't need to add every crease or seam. Just the important ones that can help a character stand out or fill in an awkward large space.

Usually after that l'll just put flat color down. Nothing fancy. I like to just do greyscale but you can go crazy. I'm not stopping you.

But adding a flat color under your line art helps pull together the sketch. It makes it easier for people to understand what is and isn't a character and makes it simpler to understand the character’s shape.

If I have several characters in one picture l'll usually make them separate colors to help make sure you can easily identify them as different people. I usually try to keep in mind the characters actual color when doing this. People with darker colors get a darker gray.

I’ll also try and give a different color to an object they are interacting with so it doesn’t get confused with the character themselves.

The entire reason I gave Sunstreaker a gun was to show this. I hate drawing guns.

These are also rarely perfect. As long as it's not extremely obvious that you're out of the lines, no one will notice. At least that’s been my experience.

I usually do this on separate layers

There's a lot of personalization when it comes to drawing and I don't know if I explained all of this very well. Ironically I don't really think much about how I'm doing it, I just... do it.

If you need any further explaining, I'll try my best to help. And if you made it this far ive got mad respect for you. I’m pretty sure I’m just rambling for half of this lol.

Have fun creating!!!!

[reightorwrong]

Foolish One

A/N:Hiii i already tried to post this once and run away for the weekend so I didn't have to see any notes but I forgot tags so reposting lol but thank you for the support on my last fic as well I tried to take my time with this one and even though I'm still not the biggest fan of it I thought I should still post it so I can improve next time!!!

Wc:3081

Warnings: angst, situationship, lowkey toxic relationship, hinting at hooking up, i gave the cabins a bathroom cus im not making you walk outside for that, grammar??

My cards are on the table, yours are in your hand

Chances are, tonight, you've already got plans

And chances are I will talk myself to sleep again.

Me and Luke have had a bit of a flirtationship for a while. A LONG while. Sometimes I think for too long but I've always had a crush on Luke. I mean the greatest swordsman at camp, always so helpful to new campers, and he's so beautiful. So when he finally noticed me months ago I gushed to my siblings about it, in the beginning, it was perfect. He would invite me on perfect dates, little picnics by the lake, walks in the forest together ranting about things at camp that bugged us, and even a couple of ‘hangouts’ in the Hermes cabin when everyone was off. 

You give me just enough attention to keep my hopes too high

Wishful thoughts forget to mention when something's really not right

But nowadays he's always so busy I mean I can't blame him he's THE role model of camp. Plus he never forgets to slip a letter to my siblings saying he was sorry for not seeing me but I know where he is. He's never really busy.

And I will block out these voices of reason in my head. 

And the voices say, "You are not the exception. You will never learn your lesson"

Moths fill my stomach as I walk to the Hermes cabin eating holes inside me and making my nerves practically leak out of me as I approach the door. Finally reaching the pale yellow door and sucked in my breath before knocking. I rock back and forth on my heels staring at the stained glass above the door before refocusing my attention on the door opening. To my dismay, it wasn't Luke who I planned on asking to hang out with today but instead, Chris opened the door.

As he opened the door he made an almost pitiful look “Are you looking for Luke..?” I cleared my throat awkwardly before speaking “Oh um yeah… do you know where he would be by any chance!”. The look on his face practically sunk in more but then I think he realized how he was staring at me “I think he is out training but he might be busy so maybe you shouldn't see him” he said rushed while rubbing the back of his neck like it was sore “Thanks Chris but I'm sure he won't mind i'll be super quick!”

Foolish one

Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love

That ain't never gonna come

You will take the long way, you will take the long way down

Leaves crunch as I walk the arena mumbling under my breath how to ask to have a break with him. Even a quick walk in the woods would work. I'm desperate for Luke now even if he wants to say he doesn't want to see me anymore I'd take it. Arena in sight my pace quickens to the entrance ready to slip in but pause as I hear the unmistakable charming laugh of Lukes but also unfamiliar hushed giggles. 

As I stand outside the clear opening I purse my lips before deciding that I would peak in just in I mean it's not like I mean to eavesdrop but I've never seen Luke with any girls so publicly he insists he likes things like that to be private saying “it's more special to keep it to ourselves”. The moment I looked inside the arena my heart dropped to my stomach it was Luke and Drew. Drew was a daughter of Aphrodite and you could tell she was tall and had long dark hair she was beautiful. Clearly, something Luke said must have said the funniest thing on the planet as they couldn't stop laughing. 

In some universe where I was braver, I would march up to them and ask what was so funny but instead, I cowered, peaking in still. But in the worst-case scenario, Luke looked over at the entrance. It wasn't even some corny I slipped and he saw he just looked over. It was clear he saw me, he whispered something over to Drew and now she was looking too. It felt like I was in quicksand I couldn't move and I was sinking deeper and deeper now that she was watching and he was heading over.

As he jogs over I hear him in an out of breath tone spit out “Hey what are you doing here?” I go back to rocking on my heels “Oh uhhh I just came to see you because we just haven't hung out in a while. I mean if you're busy it's okay just uh y'know..” I mumble out the last bit embarrassed of my stammering. Rubbing the back of his neck looking behind him before turning back at me sharply inhaling through his teeth and saying “Uh… sure yeah how about you meet me later at the spot? Just go at night and I'll meet you there.” I try not to look visibly awkward by the curt sound of his voice but I won't prod to see if that's true “Okay I'll meet you there later!” 

He looked at me before giving me a quick bye and spinning on his heel back to Drew. But honestly, I was riding a tiny high right now. I was excited to see him.  A coy smile plays on my lips as I go back to my cabin.

You know how to keep me waitin'

I know how to act like I'm fine

Don't know what to call this situation

But I know I can't call you mine

Picking out an outfit isn't hard when most of your clothes consist of orange camp shirts or the few cute clothes you took from home. I landed on shorts and a sweater before finally tiptoeing out of my cabin. The cold chill of the evening air was overwhelmed by the almost caffeine jitter bounce running through my body as I walked a secret path Luke and I practically created with how much our shoes scuffed up the ground leading to our spot. 

Reaching the end of the path expecting a familiar head of curls to be sitting maybe watching the stars waiting instead I stare out into the empty small clearing. My eyes sting and my lip wobbles. I quietly continue to shuffle over until I sit down trying to shake it off to him running a bit late. We didn't say exactly what time so honestly I felt silly getting upset. Relaxed now I bring my knees up to my chest and prop my chin up on them holding my legs with my arms. Sitting in our spot felt nostalgic for the earlier summer, stumbling off into the woods looking to escape prying eyes and stumbling on this exact spot…

And it's delicate, but I will do my best to seem bulletproof

'Cause when my head is on your shoulder

It starts thinkin' you'll come around

Swift feet run through the forest as I feel my arm being tugged along to keep up, “Luke! Slow down trust me no one is gonna find us at this rate!” my voice practically cuts out like glitches through my laughter as Luke finally slows down his pace to turn back to me “Yknow you're no fun in trying to make it private for us” tilting his head to the side and giving me a joking pout. I grab his hand and swing it back and forth “Shut up if that's true why do you spend so much of your precious time with me then hmmm?” He drops my hand and starts to walk backward further into the woods “You know what... You're on to something I've gotta get away from you! I think you must have put a spell on me, are you sure you’re not a daughter of Aphrodite after all?”

 I follow after him and jokingly shove him to the side to walk in front of him “ugh you're such a jerk someti-” My feet lifted from the ground cutting my sentence off, feeling his strong arms wrap around my torso and looking down at his laughing face before he starts to spin us in a circle a quick few times before stop and setting me back down. Looking up at Luke to see him gazing at the view in front of us, an almost perfect clearing giving you a view of the calm water below and the blue sky above a log laid down in front of it grabbing hold of luke's hand again and tugging it to get him to sit down against the log with me. Sitting I leaned my head to rest on his shoulder, knees bumping as we sat our interlocked hands sat in my lap and I just stared down at them in this light with him and me sitting here they looked almost like they were carved out of marble made only fit with each other perfectly. I changed my gaze to peer up through my lashes at Luke now to see he was already looking at me. My cheeks flare up in a warm pink glow as I feel my chest humming, his face leans down, his other hand reaching up to cup the burning cheek, eyes fluttering shut lips brushing in delicate kisses while Luke grins into it…

But then the voices say, "You are not the exception, You will never learn your lesson"

Foolish one

Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love. That ain't never gonna come

You will take the long way, you will take the long way down

I shiver maybe at the breeze passing by, maybe at the memory I couldn't tell, hugging my knees tighter and looking out before the sound of a leaf quietly crunches behind me. I didn't look back though I knew it was him no one else knew our spot was too far out. He slid right next to me on the log before speaking up in a quiet tone “I'm sorry I took so long just.. Yknow my cabin has so many campers it's hard to duck out when you're their counselor, I really didn't mean to keep you waiting..” Finishing his sentence he pulls me into him making me cuddle into his side. I sigh contently forgiving him in my head because to be wrapped up with him shining down on us like a spotlight made it feel right. “s’okay thank you for coming Luke..” “Of course..”

Now I'm slidin' down the wall with my head in my hands 

Sayin', "How could I not see the signs?"

Oh, you haven't written me or called, But goodbye screamin' in the silence

We sat there together for a while and talked about what we had missed in each other's lives until the quiet chill made our hands feel frozen even with them clasped tightly together. Luke said he would walk me back to my cabin saying “If we get caught I'll just say I caught you sneaking out and I'm taking you back” Thanking the gods that we have Luke's counselor job as pass I really don't think I could handle Mr. D and Chiron put me back to cleaning the stables which I only did to take the blame for Luke last summer. 

We arrive back into camp feeling Luke unclasp our hands without a word. My steps flatter for a mere second before I simply choose to ignore the action and catch up with his stride. As we walk I speak up “Um thanks for walking me back to my cabin I really appreciate it..” “It's no problem can’t let my favorite archer walk out in the cold alone!” he says in a positive but quiet voice. “So I was wondering if I could see you again yknow maybe we could just eat together or something if you don't have a lot of time..?” Our steps come to a halt in front of my cabin now he looks at me sucking a breath from his teeth before opening his mouth to speak “Ah.. I think I'm kinda busy tomorrow, Drew asked if I could show her how to get better at sword fighting so I have to show her that… I think I'll be doing it for a while. Y’know how practice makes perfect but I'll let you know when I'm free.” 

My lips pursed together for a moment looking at my shoes as he talks and finally looking back at him when he finishes “Oh okay.. Well yeah just let me know! See you later!” I hear him mumble a quick ‘yep night’ before turning around and walking off, I stand there for a moment almost waiting to see if he would look back and maybe try to catch a glimpse of me going in, but he didn't.

'Cause you got her on your arm and me in the wings

I'll get your longing glances, but she'll get your ring

And you will say you had the best of intentions

And maybe I will finally learn my lesson

Creeping back to my bunk as quietly as possible trying not to disturb any of my sleeping siblings, but forgetting about one extra creaky floorboard located directly next to one of my sister's bunks, at camp practically everyone is a light sleeper after having to go on a quest.  A mess of tangles and a sleeping mask shot up before my sister Rey pulled it off her eyes to see me ‘doing the walk of shame’ as she once called it. “What are you doing awake…?” her voice quiet and still full of sleepiness “Oh yknoww I just hung out with Luke for a bit..”

 She sat up a little straighter and gave me the same look Chris gave me this evening. “You saw Luke..? I thought you guys were like totally over…” “Well, not completely we just fell out a bit I'm going to see him again soon he just is going to help train campers for a bit y'know!” Her brows furrow and her mouth twists with disdain “Is that camper.. Drew?” leaning against a bedpost and starting to pick at my nails “I mean yeah but like-” A loud groan cuts me off “You're kidding. I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings but.. Do you really think they're training? It just seems like what you guys used to do if you ask me..”

 She tucked herself back into the covers rolling over to stop facing me leaving me with a not so subtle hint. Walking to the bathroom to brush my teeth so i could finally sleep i find myself staring at my figure in the mirror longer, my hand dropping down to stop brushing setting it down on the sink, my lip starts to wobble again and the bitter sting filled my eyes again blurring my vision as i sunk to the floor to sit on the cool tiles for a bit. Drew and Luke were doing exactly what they used to do ‘training’ is Luke's code word for fucking. I knew that already, we used to use it often. But i thought if he saw me tonight then it couldn't be that. He wouldn't do that. But Luke would, he knows that I know those code words but Luke wouldn't do that… 

Foolish one

Stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love

That ain't never gonna come

You will take the long way, you will take the long way down

Waking up felt like a chore this morning, the sun shining instead of being warm and inviting felt like it was melting me down into a pile of mush as I got up. Walking to the mess hall was worse seeing them sit together breaking the camper's sit with their cabin's rule, giggling into each other's ears like I saw them before. Walking past them to my table hoping he would spare me a glance just a small look that said ‘I'm only entertaining her for a bit and I'll be back’ but he was practically bewitched by her. 

Ain't never gonna come

Ooh, you will learn the hard way now

Foolish one

Sittin' 'round waiting for confessions of love

They ain't never gonna come

A week passed by and he never came running back instead he ran around with her, when it finally sunk in the pitiful sorrys of my sibling and even a handful of Luke's friends came but they fell silent on my ears wallowing in my self-pity, shutting in my cabin for a bit before deciding I couldn't just shut myself in because I lost the 3rd most decent head of curls in camp. The night came crickets chirping, acting as my background music as I took my throw blanket off my bed to sneak out just to take a short walk to relax. Heading down the long path noticing fresh grass starting to grow back out of the scuffed dirt it brought a small grin back to my face which fell almost immediately at the sight of two figures in a oh so familiar spot. 

And thinkin' he's the one, you should've been walkin' out

Foolish one

The day is gonna come for your confessions of love

When all is said and done, he just wasn't the one

No, he just wasn't the one

[katamaridamacyonline]

tell me all of your ace attorney headcanons

to make it easier, maybe for maya fey specifically! I feel like you probably have a lot of thoughts on her

HI sorry for ignoring this ask for 12 days im gonna do it now (very very long post like holy shit how did i even type this much)

okay so for maya i have. a lot of hcs. basic stuff first she it trans (she/her), lesbian, poly, fat, and mixed black+japanese. actually there's a bit more to the fat headcanon cause i think she gains weight as she gets older, sort of as a "weight gain to represent healing" type of thing. i think around aa1 timeframe she's closer to her canon design but as she reaches more into adulthood she gains weight over time and is happier that way (part of this is because gaining weight is usually a good thing for transfems on estrogen)

okay anyways here's the part where i rant about trans maya stuff. actually i should probably talk about trans mia first cause theyre both trans in my hc and her transition actually plays an important part in maya's experience. basically mia was the first trans kurain spirit medium, before her it wasnt known that a trans woman could be a medium, but that all changed after mia realized she was a girl. for a while (months? years? not sure) mia thought that she would never be able to channel and just accepted the fact that she could be a woman but she wouldnt be able to channel, but eventually eh found that her realization of being a girl actually awakened significant spiritual power within her.

so anyways, onto maya, similar to mia she realized she was a girl when she was young, some time after misty left but while mia was still around. when mia came out, misty was very accepting in letting her transition, but with them under morgan's care they were both worried things wouldnt go as well. fortunately, mia would not let anything stop her sister from transitioning. i'm not completely sure if i think morgan would try to stop maya from transitioning or not (like yeah she's evil but idk if i see her as transphobic lol???) but if she did try to stop her mia would fight back no matter what.

anyways, maya transitions, but unfortunately things end up harder for her than mia, as maya isn't able to channel spirits. while she shows some signs of having spiritual powers, she's not anywhere close to as powerful as mia or any of the cis mediums in the family. this is deeply painful for maya and becomes a horrible source of dysphoria. how she sees it, if she can't channel spirits, she'll never really be a woman. in reality, this dysphoria is entirely false, plenty of cis women in the fey clan don't have spiritual powers (even morgan!). mia comforts her by telling her this, that she will always be a girl even if she can't channel spirits. this helps maya a lot, but it still isn't enough to fully rid her of her irrational dysphoria. it's all very hard for her, and i think morgan would definitely make everything worse for her, likely reminding her of her inability to channel for no reason other than to hurt her and make her feel inferior. but mia's positive influence helps her make it through everything, even if she does struggle a lot.

anyways, aa1 happens, and she's finally preformed her first channeling. but there's still a ton of doubt in her mind. despite now knowing she CAN channel, she's still struggling with this same dysphoria. probably thinking along the lines of. 'the only was i can channel is if i'm an urgent situation. If i was a real woman, i could channel at any moment, but i can't. I'm still just a man and nothing more." this all culminates with her inferiority complex in Turnabout Goodbyes. I actually really like reading into Maya's struggle in turnabout goodbyes as a representation of dysphoria, because the way she's hurt by not being able to channel mia is heartbreaking. hell, she literally says some genuinely suicidal things after the taser scene.

ultimately, I think maya finally begins to move past this dysphoria not because she learns to channel better, but because she finally, fully accepts mia's words to her, and i think Phoenix is really the person to finally help her out of it. sometime after turnabout goodbyes, maya opens up to phoenix about how hard this all is to her. tells him about how hard it is to feel like her womanhood is entirely dependent on a skill she struggles to grasp. phoenix would choose this as the time to finally come out to her that he too is trans, and would try his best to comfort maya, telling her how he's always seen her as a girl, how she should never doubt who she is just because she's not as skilled as her sister or mother. i think phoenix would feel some sense of guilt at this point, as he would feel like he played a part in maya's dysphoria since he was always hoping maya could channel mia again. with this, he would feel very motivated to help her through everything, both because of this guilt and just because he's now very committed to protecting maya. this of course wouldn't immediately fix everything for maya, but phoenix's continued support as they spend their days together would end up pushing her into learning to finally accept everything. over time, she's finally able to accept that no matter how strong or weak her spiritual abilities are, she'll always be a girl no matter what. of course, eventually she does become a very successful medium, but that takes much more time, and gradually freeing herself from her painful dysphoria helps her make it there.

okay wow i typed a lot what the fuck i was gonna write some stuff about other characters but this post is so long uhhhhhh apollo athena juniper trucy ema katherine sebastian adrian jinxie penny and a bunch of other ones i forgot to mention are trans women lol

[alovesongtheywrote]

hiii girlie!! it’s my birthday HAHA can i please get a nightmare academia part?? thank youuu 🫶

♥ Summary: SORRY I MISSED YOUR BIRTHDAY!! iirc, i got this like. right in the middle of finals season. i am so sorry :( to compensate, i have provided a holiday update!! In this chapter of Nightmare Academia, it's the holiday season and Reid pulls a lil prank.

♥ Warnings: holidays, Wham's Last Christmas

♥ A/N: this is really just a holiday blurb im ngl. happy holiday special ig!! (also. i didn't edit this. my bad lol)

♥ Word Count: 600

Series Masterlist

♥♥♥

The winter seasons were always an interesting time to be a professor.  The campus was decorated with trees and lights.  Fliers advertised Hanukkah and Christmas gatherings.  The students were so stressed and burnt out that they moved through life with a weird sort of festive calm. 

This year, that festive calm had taken on a new feature- your students wouldn’t stop playing Wham’s Last Christmas.  

You had nothing against the song.  All things considered, you liked Wham.  You liked Last Christmas.  It just got a touch annoying when the song played on a constant loop through various shitty phone speakers.  All the time.  Every day.

You weren’t sure what caused it- what earthly force could convince a bunch of college kids to listen to that infernal song so frequently?  What could get them to set Last Christmas to their ringtones?  You were pretty sure most of them hadn’t used ringtones before December.  To put it bluntly- you were confused, tired, and suspicious.  You were also ready to scream.

So you did!

“Holy shit, if I have to hear that fucking song again, I might literally explode.”

Reid looked up at you as you burst into your shared office.  His eyes were wide, as if your pre-loaded rant about Wham’s Last Christmas had caught him off guard.  

If it had, that was honestly on him.  You were only about a week into December, and you had already complained about the thing seventy-six times and counting.  If Spencer didn’t remember that, then his special boy memory powers had clearly failed him.

“Well, you wouldn’t literally explode,” Reid corrected, clearly recovered from his shock, “That’s a common mistake.  You would actually-”

“Reid, stop it before I feed you to the ghost of George Michael.”

He held up his hands in surrender, though a smile played across his lips.  You glared at that little grin as vines of suspicion tangled with the fleshy meat of your brain.

“Did you have something to do with this?”

“Whatever do you mean, Doctor?”

“I mean,” you slammed your hands down on Reid’s desk, “Are you the reason I cannot escape that fucking song?”

He leaned back in his chair, weaving his long, slender fingers together like some fucking anime villain, “And how would I pull that off?”

“Easily.  You’re you, and it’s the perfect crime.  All it would take is the promise of extra credit, and your students would do anything.  You think I haven’t noticed that the student body suddenly loves playing Wham?  Out loud?  Without headphones?”

Spencer’s grin got bigger, “Wow.  I’m sorry that your students have been using technology in a distracting and upsetting manner.  I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

“Spencer Reid, I am going to kill you.  I’m gonna choke you out with Christmas lights.  Seriously.”

He leaned in, “Are you literally going to kill me?”

“Fuck you, Reid.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

You snorted out a laugh, “You wouldn’t survive me, pretty boy.  Now, have you seen the essays my cybercrime class wrote?  They were on my desk.”

“Here-” he said, reaching for one of the desk’s many drawers.  That ended the conversation as the topic drifted to your students and the general category of crime that involved techy-whecy bullshit.  

In the weeks that followed, the volume on Spencer’s prank was turned down.  The students played it less and less, and the campus generally hummed with other holiday themed music until the break hit.  The day after it did, a package arrived on your doorstep.

A lovely vinyl copy of Wham’s Last Christmas.  

You were gonna kill Spencer Reid.

♥ Tags: @icarusignite, @usuallyunlikelyfox, @maraudersforlife2005, @fictionalcomforts, @morgthemagpie, @iiheartbowie, @digitalhearts, @corpsebridenightamare, @ghostatrixx, @reiding-writing, @mywellspringoflife, @80katie, @ms-ks-world, @currentfications, @ilse235, @emagen, @foolishwaitersblog if you asked to be tagged and i forgot, pls let me know!! if you would like to be tagged and aren't, also let me know :D

[girlboypersonthingy]

hiiiiii!! so u’ve quickly become my fav tumblr user lol. anything with pidge would be great!! any prompts u wanna use is all good with me, i just want more pidge content.

thx sm!! <3

U BETTER STOP RIGHT NOW ANON. I’m so flattered that I’m one of your favs 🥰 that boosts my confidence in my writing soooo much you have no idea. I’m definitely not skipping over a bunch of requests just to write yours first nope not I. So I wrote smthng about Keith and reader being stuck on a planet during a mission and needing rescue and them having a cute bonding moment. I’m gonna do that but with ✨Pidge✨ 🌷Thank you for the request and ENJOY~

Ps: wow. This took me forever to finish. I wrote it in so many pieces over so many days. I’ve been so busy omg this is all over the place…sorry 😌

Listen…Pidge’s calculations may have been the tiniest bit off. You were sent on a mission with them to pick up a specific mineral on a specific planet that will power a new invention Pidge is working on. As their lion approached the surface of the planet, some weird energy source nearby had all of Pidge’s signals glitching out. All of a sudden, the green lion completely shut down and you two had a bit of a crash landing. Now…You’re lost. In space. No way to get back, no way to contact the team. And if Pidge can’t figure out how to get y’all back to the castle, you definitely can’t. Obvi they’re like 1000 times smarter than you.

“Dang…well…we’re stuck here now.” Their words make you panic a bit. Stuck? Geez, for how long? Until when? Wait…Stuck?! In the middle of space all alone???

“Someone will find us eventually.” “You’re not helping, Pidge…”

They’re trying to hide their smile as they silently laugh at you. “First time stuck in space?” “Uhm YEAH?! IM SCARED! YOU’RE NOT???” “Nah.”

Pidge has been there, done that with being lost in space alone. It’s scary but it’s amazing at the same time. Like when Pidge got stuck on that trash nebula, they weren’t scared, just bored until they found a way to distract themselves and eventually get a signal to the team. They just need time to figure it out.

Before you can say any more, they are closing their helmet over their face and offering you a hand. “Let’s go.” They close your helmet over your face and now they’re enthusiastically dragging you out of green and onto the dusty surface of the planet.

Pidge is very smart but also has some ADHD tendencies. This lil babe will squirrel out and go buck wild when it comes to science, technology and space. They can’t stay focused on the topic at hand, there’s too much to look at, too much to think about, too much to talk about.

They are still holding your hand, pulling you along as they ramble on about the pH balance of the air on this planet and the gravity difference compared to Earth and how cool the specific mineral is that they are looking for. Wow, cute little smarty pants just won’t shut up 💚

Plz just pay attention to them. They LOVE the attention they get from you when they say big words and explain complex things you don’t really understand because,

The face you make when you try to follow along with their science rants KILLS THEM. You’re like 😯 trying your best to keep up, it’s too cute.

They love when you say things like “wow” “whoa” “cool” bc then they’re like 😎 “yeah I am pretty wow, whoa and cool, aren’t I?”

Like plz just swoon over their brilliance, that’s all they want. They want to impress you SO BAD. Little do they know they’ve already captured your heart…

So anyways, they are practically running now with you following beside them as they frantically search for the mineral they need.

A beeping catches their attention and they stop abruptly. An excited laugh leaves their mouth as they check a piece of tech on their wrist, similar to a watch but with info about the planet and atmosphere around you.

Pidge is always busting out new gadgets they’ve made and it still surprises you sometimes. “Pidge, what the hell is that?” is a very common phrase that frequently leaves your mouth. They’re always testing out new tech.

“AHAHA!!! (Y/N), guess what?! This whole planet’s crust is the mineral!!! WE CAN GET SO MUCH OF IT!!! Obviously not too much, but OH MY GOD!”

Omfg, now it’s your turn to admire how cute they are when they geek out like this. They’re pretty much jumping with joy, smiling from ear to ear, and they still have a hold of your hand.

They always run to the same two people every time they have some cool sciency shit to tell and that’s Hunk and you. As much fun as it is to go on a tangent with Hunk about cool space stuff, they love talking to you about it bc you don’t interject, you just listen and learn.

Their fav part is days later when you mention something they told you about in great detail and they’re just thinking ‘oh my god, you remembered, you learned, you’re so smart. DAMN I ADORE YOU.’

At this point, Pidge is having such a good time with you, they’ve forgotten that you’re both stranded here. They’re holding your hands and you’re smiling so big now and suddenly they can’t come up with words to say rn.

“So…are you gonna tell me how we are gonna harvest some of this stuff or…?” The silence is so loud but Pidge can’t speak, they’re just lost in your eyes and your hand fits so perfectly in theirs and the longer they stare at you, the more red your cheeks become and- “Pidge…are you okay?” Finally, they snap out of it.

This honestly happens way too often with you. Pidge never thought they’d be the type to zone out and start daydreaming about someone but they are just soooo into you, oml. They’re always so focused and in control and calm and collected but you’re just too hot cute, you are such a distraction. They can’t believe that you are so interested in them, it clouds their brain sometimes. They know a lot but one thing they can’t figure out is where they stand with you.

“I’m fine. First things first, we need some help getting off this planet. We need to figure out how to contact the team.”

Just keep in mind… they haven’t let go of you for even a second since you walked out of their lion together 🥹❤️‍🔥

“Hey, what about your watch thingy on your wrist? Couldn’t that help-“ “(Y/N), yes! I forgot about this for a tick! Okay, come on. Give me something to work with….” Finally, they let go of your hand as they poke at the piece of tech on their wrist, their eyes become brighter and wider.

They swiftly pull out their bayard and launch it towards their lion, perfectly wrapping it around their lion’s tail.

“Uhm what are we doing?” “We need to get off this planet.” “WHAT?! I mean I know that, you already said that but-but…how are we gonna do that? Your lion is-“ “Just trust me.” They reach out for your hand once more, the handle of their bayard in their other hand.

They grip your hand tightly and before you can take another breath, they activate their jet pack and you two are whisked away towards the sky.

You’re screaming and Pidge is laughing. They’re such a punk sometimes.

As their bayard reaches its limit in length, Pidge is still grasping your hand tightly as they finally begin to explain just what their plan is.

“The crust of this planet, which is also the mineral we need, is what’s causing interference with all our tech. Except for this, I guess.” They gesture to their wrist. “The further we get away from the surface, the more chance we have at getting a signal to the team. But, the gravitational pull of this planet only goes on for 4.7 miles, which is like waaayyyyy less than Earth’s gravitational pull so I had to keep us tethered or we’d just float off into space.”

Normally you’d find their ranting interesting and endearing but rn you’re just terrified of being this high up from the ground and also terrified of accidentally floating off into space.

They can tell you’re scared so they quickly let go of your hand and link their arm with yours, pulling you in closer. They’re not laughing anymore, they give you a more serious look with a soft smile. “I got you, (Y/N). I won’t let anything happen to you. Promise.”

Although they are the smallest Paladin to ever exist, you make them feel so big and strong. You make them feel like they could fight 100 galra soldiers all on their own. You give them so much confidence and they just want you to trust that they will always protect you. Tho they be small, they are mighty.

“I trust you, Pidge.” Great…you’ve lost them again. All you did was say their name all soft and quiet and they can’t look away from you now.

The lingering eye contact is simple but causes you both to smile and blush uncontrollably. You both look away then look back at each other, your movements in sync which causes you both to laugh.

“You’re really cute. I like you a lot.” The words just sort of slip out of their mouth and before you can even process what they just said, as if on cue, static cuts the silence.

Suddenly, you can hear Allura calling out for you guys through the comms in Pidge’s helmet. “Pidge? (Y/N)? Hello?” “Allura! Geez, are we glad to hear your voice.”

As Pidge gives the princess a run down of what had happened to you guys, you just watch their lips move and watch as they purposefully avoid your gaze. They’re embarrassed of what they just confessed to you and now they’re anxious to hear your reply.

Once the voice in Pidge’s helmet had gone quiet, you finally speak up.

“You like me?” “Huh? Did I say that?” “Yeah, you did. You said I’m cute too.” “Oh wow…uh yeah…I guess I did say that.”

It’s silent again for a moment.

“Do you like me too?” Pidge asks softly now, their whole demeanor has changed. They’re not holding you as close, they’re eyes look full of concern, they’re biting their lip.

“I thought you were a genius..?” They’re a bit taken aback by your response. “It’s not like I haven’t been dropping hints left and right. Of course I like you, Pidge. And I think you’re pretty cute too.”

The next 10 minutes as you two wait for rescue are spent talking and laughing about how you two dummies have been crushing on each other for MONTHS but you were both too scared to say anything to the other.

As soon as y’all are rescued by Shiro and Hunk, they’re both like “oh! You guys finally noticed that you’re both in love with each other? Good. Nice. Took y’all long enough.”

The whole team could see the hardcore pining the whole time. Even Keith was like “I thought y’all were already dating???”

Wow. What a couple cute little dorks you guys are.

[put-them-thangs-away]

how is this only about one single episode,,,, i have GOT to stop doing this,,,,,

starting this off by saying i am making the extremely questionable choice yet again to start this rant in my notes app so there is a Very Large chance that this episode ramble analysis is going to become another monologue,,,,, sorry bout that. if it’s more than like three paragraphs i’ll stick it under the cut. anyways,,, Y’ALL READY FOR ME TO TAKE AN EPISODE’S WONDERFUL HAPPY ATMOSPHERE AND OVERTHINK IT INTO PAIN???

spoiler alert: i had to come back and add this. it was not less than 3 paragraphs. it’s a significantly longer essay this time. 🫠

i was gonna start with the hierophant card now that i’m rewatching since it’s early in the episode (and i love milfs nang) but i think imma go make that as a separate add on to my previous post about the tarot cards instead. i also still need to go back and watch the bit with boss’s card from that earlier episode so i can add that on as well.

i know the episode technically starts with jack & joker goofing off and once again making ad placement gayer which is very cute but i don’t actually have much to say about that (yet) except that it’s really funny that joke’s reflexes and ability to fight are lowkey garbage unless it’s to mess with jack. also there is that little foreshadowing nugget in there from jack reminding joke again about his promise not to do anything stupid but my take on that will make more sense with my rant about the final scenes. lmfao don’t worry,,,,,, i have plenty to say about them later.

so INSTEAD bc i love to suffer imma start with arun and tattoo’s scene. yippee! so we’ve got these two bonding over creative ventures,,,, and by bonding i mean arun being supportive and pouring his heart out and tattoo being deeply uncomfortable with any display of human emotions lol. i saw that tiny little smile to yourself when your back was turned to arun tho tattoo,,,, im onto u buddy. 🏳️‍🌈❔🫵🤨

and then we’ve got arun’s line about missing his shithead garbage father at the beginning of his breakdown, which at the time, did not mean much to me bc in the moment i got immediately distracted by the comedic factor of tattoo having the emotional range of a thimble. (which i now am like,,, 75% sure was an intentional diversion on the writer’s part.) and also that little crumb of tattoo smushing himself in between hoy and arun by physically pushing them apart when they were half cuddling so that he could impart some Tough Love™️ lmaoooo,,; once again sir,,,, im onto u,,,

anyways the reason that little comment from arun came back to haunt me is related to the tarot cards. i went more in depth about the card meanings in my previous post, but short version for this exact moment: arun gets The Moon as his card which is often considered to be symbolic of deception or things not being what they appear…. and also truths that you have not (or cannot) accept about yourself. haha! neat! i’m sure that’s definitely not the reading they went for and definitely absolutely will not have anything to do with arun not having accepted what kind of person his father truly is, and possibly making some poor choices relating to that in the future! and i’m sure if that is the reading, there is not a more in depth reading for tattoo’s The World card as well since they are in many ways narrative foils of each other! lol! anyways! 🤪

mostly unrelated sidenote: when did nang draw the star on the back of the cards? bc it wasn’t there when she was originally laying the cards out for hoy. continuity issue or Important Tiny Detail?

skipping the rosé jack scene here because imo it didn’t have much purpose other than to kind of make you pissed at her manipulation tactic. (and probably to mislead us into thinking that she was gonna handle the rejection scene really poorly. she didn’t thoooo come thru bb girl! so proud of u) also skipping the teeth rottingly adorable found family meal for similar reasons. (joke adopting ama’s little “aiyah!” tho had me In My Feelings)

surprisingly i don’t actually have that much to say about the flashback to boss and joker’s interaction. i might be missing some subtext, but generally it just kind of gave me the vibe of being there solely to show boss being menacing and remind you that joke’s lovesick self-sacrificing ass is, in fact, about to Do Something Stupid. imminently. (can’t tell if i am also supposed to have like? an ounce of sympathy for boss because he’s “never been free” or whatever the fuck that’s about. don’t know don’t care i wish him a very nice die painfully at the hands of his son. adopted or otherwise, i’m not picky.)

brief shout out to the security goon who is literally a brick wall what the fuck like i know they’re our resident idiots but FOUR ON ONE AND THERE’S BLUNT WEAPONS INVOLVED HELLO????? king shit tbh rip in peace my guy

also lmfao joke saying “how did you find me?!” and arun just being like “what like it’s hard? we already know you’re gay AND stupid.” 😂😭💀 read for FILTH,,,,

[insert Four Men, None Braincells heist montage]

the absolute unmatched level of shenanigans. whatever was going on with the choice of fish. the botched directions. the inability to open a bottle of champagne.

(i love them)

also WAIT HOLD UPI JUST NOTICED AND IDK IF I’M READING INTO THIS TOO MUCH BUT WHAT’S WITH THE LITTLE LOOK BETWEEN NANG AND ROSÉ WHEN SHE GOES OFF TO CHANGE AND ROSÉ IMMEDIATELY MOVES TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT?? like we know that nang had a hand in this plan but does rosé know something? and if she does, does that have any significance to her bringing jack to the ring room or is that just about the romance? also getting a better look at jack’s face through all of this (during the dinner especially) makes me wonder how much HE knows about the heist bc he clearly has clocked some weird shit happening (and also i feel like there’s no way at this point he has not managed to recognize disguised joke) which like,,,, god it is sending me on a whole other level of spiral bc like on the one hand that makes one of my takes on the final scene less painful but also makes the other part of it even more ouch??? many thoughts,,,, head full,,,, which works out bc we’re closing on the end of the episode which is where my overthinking ass brain went into overdrive the first during the first watch.

first of all i was obviously in my feelings about jack’s whole speech about how lying doesn’t help relationships. shout out to ama’s Great Value Family Therapy Sesh, as always, she is the real mvp.

also ok now i am Thinking bc if jack does know something about the heist that would def have an even deeper meaning to this speech? bc like if they actually communicated beforehand for once then it’s not lying and breaking a promise? and if he doesn’t know anything about it then i feel like he could be more upset about joke doing this exact same thing again? (hELP MY BRAIN HURTS) and joke’s reaction from his cozy little spot deep in the closet isn’t helping at all like,,, maybe it’s the guilt of lying and breaking a promise again?? is it just the crippling lack of self-worth???? and then the surprise specifically when rosé actually took the rejection well? HOW AM I EVEN MORE STRESSED THE SECOND TIME AROUND WHAT THE FUCK 😭

i am also having more thoughts on hoy’s assignment of The Star card, not necessarily about the card’s actual meaning (positivity, optimism, all around good boy golden retriever energy etc) but more how it relates to his whole [handwaves] Thing with nang,,,, and also her plan. hm. idk how to really like. put those thoughts into words tho. i can’t put my finger on what it is that is making me flag that, but it is there.

also like idk if i’m misremembering but were we ever told specifically what nang’s relationship to rosé is? like she’s not her mom for sure so??? older sister??? or????

god i have so many questions after this episode especially because i feel like there were a lot of little foreshadowing hints that were immediately followed by HEY LOOK OVER THERE! shiny distraction moments and u kno what,,, fair,,,, i was and wld continue to be distracted by naked nang if i wasn’t picking this apart scene by scene rn like her calling hoy to pick things up from her when joke clearly didn’t know that Most of this was part of her plan??? i need to know RIGHT NOW WHO IS IN ON WHICH PARTS AAGHHHH

also once again unrelated aside bc at this point i’m already neck deep in not shutting the fuck up but tattoo fulfilling The Pyrotechnics Guy™️ heist trope with the spy music overlay brings me so much joy acshually,,,, it’s giving oceans eleven and i love that for them

JACK’S FACE AT THE FIREWORKS THO JACK WHAT AND HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOWWWWWWWWWW like now there’s this whole phone conversation that will ALSO TAKE ON A WHOLE OTHER MEANING IF HE’S IN ON ANY PART OF THIS??? originally i was just like “damn this will really suck if he thinks he did this and got out of this situation all by himself and then gets mad at joker all over again and they fight and (temporarily obvs) break up” but now im like OH MY GOD????? WHAT IF IT’S NOT THEM COMMUNICATING AHEAD OF TIME???? WHAT IF HE’S BEATING JOKE AT HIS OWN GAME???? WHAT IF THERE ARE TWO FUCKING HEIST PLOTS/TEAMS??? HAPPENING??? SIMULTANEOUSLY?? these writers have proven to be absolutely insane (affectionate) so far, so the only thing i’m actually sure of is that i can’t trust NONE of my first gut reactions ajdkdkd

and now we have reached The Scene™️ ,,, the culmination of everything,,, the yearning the pining the tension the misunderstandings,,,,, it’s just so [clenches fist] why are they so good

and i am once again spiraling bc if there were two different plots going on in this heist, this whole “did you work hard” conversation has even more double meanings aaaagghhh AM I READING TOO MUCH INTO THIS?????? if i am this 5000 word essay is about to be real embarrassing. anyways.

like originally i was just lasered in on the double meanings behind every fucking moment (and word and expression and body language augh) from joke’s side of the conversation and the pain it was bringing me even tho on the surface this is a super happy moment and they’re finally getting together etc,,, bc like from joke’s perspective this could very well be the end of them? he knows he’s done exactly what he did last time to snap their budding relationship in half, but this time there’s a million more promises in between for him to have broken.

like listen i know the yearning and the infamous microexpressions could just be because he’s been being crushed by the weight of his feelings for over five years, but idk man,,,, i was getting major bottling up The Sad™️ vibes from joke in this scene, even in it’s most tender moments (that soft little “together?” which was absolutely just in relation to candles and nothing else will haunt my dreams) and i don’t think it was Just his guilty conscience about lying even tho that is also obviously eating him alive right now. (him knocking back that drink when jack’s telling him about rosé and he’s gotta keep up the act and pretend he doesn’t already know what was said? all of it? and like it didn’t have him connecting the dots finally about the feelings being mutual? big fucking oof.) which brings us back to joke’s ever present ✨crippling lack of self-worth✨,,,,, i think he genuinely thinks this is the last time he’s going to have jack. because now on top of the guilt of What He’s Done, he thinks he’s upped the betrayal factor now that he has confirmation that jack likes him back. like based on jack’s reaction to the situation when they were barely just becoming friends, it’s understandable to assume that this broken promise would cut deeper.

and y’know in case that didn’t already deal me enough psychic damage, i think at the beginning of this conversation he just thinks it’s the last time he’s going to have jack from an emotional standpoint. and then jack is being brave and playful and straightforward (just like that first confession, which he also DIDN’T BELIEVE WAS POSSIBLE IN THE MOMENT goddddd im so emo) and he’s just like welp might as well have this last moment where he loves me for real to keep close to my chest for the rest of forever. and he’s ecstatic to have it like this boy is straight up glowing. the slow smiles, like he can’t believe he gets to have this. (which like. again. i think that he thinks he doesn’t which obviously i am feeling Very Normal about hahahaha)

then to round this all out we have That Kiss,,,,, like. whew. the absolute explosion of pent up feelings is seriously unmatched by any other bl (and possibly just like,,,, every drama) i have ever watched. but of course even with that i’m not done overthinking things because these mfs make me truly unhinged. like there is that fucking feral face joke makes when they pause for their forehead touch and instead of enjoying this beautiful and satisfying moment for more than five seconds, my brain would not let me live and was like “oh,,,, is this the moment where it hits him like a sack of bricks that this is maybe also the last time he gets to have jack from a physical as well as the originally presumed emotional standpoint? and maybe he should just choose to be selfish and let himself have this for once, if it’s going to be the last time?” bc hnnnn idk something about him in that tender moment just projected underlying grief to me and perhaps i am overthinking that! perhaps it’s just grief for time lost with a little dash of guilty conscience!

anyways then there’s,,,, the possibility of jack’s perspective on this also gaining a lot more nuance which i only even thought of as a concept in the middle of writing this insane manifesto for licherally over 3hrs so frankly! i am not even remotely emotionally or mentally equipped to handle The Implications of that! that is officially too many layers and changes my entire viewpoint of the microexpressions on jack’s face also and i simply cannot deal with it! i am already eating glass about them!! i am Looking Away!!!!

in conclusion, i am so so so so so so normal about them thank you for coming to my ted talk.

(if you sat through this, i’m so fucking sorry.)

[alaydabug2]

I'm in the car and I'm bored en

SO HERES A LIST OF MY MEDICAL ISSUES IVE HAD THROUGHOUT LIFE 😃

Vaugly related to my fanfic

Tetrology of Fallot (tof): congenital (born with it) heart defect that is basically 4 defects in 1 (I do not have the energy to look up or type all those scientific words rn so sorry)

I've had 3 open heart surgeries to fix it o e at 8 days 10 months and 5 years

Died 6 times on the second one 😃

Ngl life isn't too different with it

If you don't count the yearly doctor visits and can't play contact sports

I mean there's more to it that that obviously but it's mainly small things like getting out of breath quicker and I bruise easy because of having to take baby asprin

BUT the doctors ORIGINALLY said I was never gonna be able to walk or talk or do anything for myself

God vetoed that decision 😌

NOW I NEVER SHUT UP 😁

Got a nifty battle scar down my chest as a souvenir ☺️

And I used to be called smurf baby cause I turned blue alot

I make jokes about it now (hush I'm allowed to )

Ngl pretty sure I'm short cause failure to thrive as a baby cause of that 😭

Don't think there's any scientific backing on that tho for tof patients

Imperferated anus + colostomy bag: basically means I was born without a butthole

Not even joking on that i wasnt

But had to have three gastrointestinal surgeries from that

Don't know the ages or many details but I'm pretty sure I was two for the last one

And I had to have a colostomy bag

Thankfully don't remember it

Buy my waste went into a bag that had to be changed out

Ik it got infected so the scar is bugger than it should be

Seizures: if you've read my fanfic that's explained in detail for how it feels

But that was from aged 5-10

We never found the specific reasons for it

But we do hypothesize it has something tk do with possible scar tissue on my brain

Either from a heart attack/stroke/lack of oxygen from my second heart surgery is what we think it could be from

During a seizure my heart would start beating weird (not good description ik but idk how to describe it really) and my vision would start to tunnel out my tongue would tingle and then I'd black out

During a seizure I couldn't hear anything or see anything but my head would completely start to tingle

From my parents I was told during them I would stiffen up and lock my joints and almost seem to hyperventilate

It was control moderately well by medicine but I thankfully do not have them anymore

Hard hearing: im not like deaf or anything nor do I use hearing aids but my hearing isn't what it should be for a normal teenager lol

This is because during one of my heart surgeries they gave me a drug used on horses and a little too much if it at that (ketamine?)

Legally blind: yeah come to find out last year found out my eye sight is actual crap

Without my glasses I am legally blind

I've got 20/200 vision 😭

So I've got these crazy thick glasses now

Tourretts: neurological disorder where I make these random noises and movents

Got diagnosed back in sixth grade

My tics ate ill make various sounding noises (all kinda of variations of a hiccup for visualization) and my head will jerk back

It was awful before we found out what it was

Got picked on for it quite a bit and a certain teacher of mine essentially told me "just stop bro lol" and I'd get sent out of class for it even after we had doctor notes for it

Just get up out of that wheel chair then then buddy ☺️

They'd get set off my certain things

Music being one of them so I would carry around these earbuds when there was music around so it didn't get set off

I'm on medicine now for it and it's a LOT better

And a recent development (in the past 6 months) I've been able to listen to music again!

The tourretts aren't going away tho

If over been without medicine for more than 2 days it's BAD

Ovarian cyst (possible pcos?) : this has happened over this summer so you already got some rants on that lol

Buy I've got an 8cm cyst on my left ovary

Hurts like a beach 😃

In fact this Friday I was holed up in my room hyped up on narcotics cause of it

Fun stuff 🙂

Surgery is supposed to be on October 5th so we'll see how that goes

Yeah so medical history of mine 😃

That's fine

We'll see what comes next to the collection I can add

Also here's some pics of a couple of my scars (that I can show several are in places I'm not keen of people seeing 😅)

That's my colostomy scar

And near the top you can see a scar from a chest tube from my third heart surgery

And here's a really good picture of my heart surgery scar that I have (goes down to under the ribcage)

On my neck you can see a breathing tube scar

At least I think that's what it is

Also the corner of my lip I have a scar from some sort of tube from surgery (can't see it well on camera

Tbh idk what half these tiny scars are from

I just know they're remnants of surgery

Any way I do know kw I have a couple of other chest tube scars

But they are not in places to be shown

Same with a few dimples near my tail bone from gastrointestinal surgery

But those are there too

[caspersickfanfics]

*busts door open* IM BACK

I’m not gonna be too weird about this but- ironically- today was a day of much crying, and from that I was re-reminded of few things that got me thinking about the other nights rants so I have just a few more considerations~

again- not necessarily a fit for the current fic situation BUT. Types of crying. I feel like Cyno really doesn’t cry much at all. And maybe this was a given lol but I wanna talk about it anyways 😭

He’s just that kind of person and I feel like that tracks with canon. Even if he isn’t bottling up emotions, like if he’s sad and he’s letting himself feel sad, even then he may not cry that much. but if he is crying- or sobbing due to fever-addled hysteria- it’s him doing everything he can to keep it quite. Like muffled sobs, or just tears spilling uncontrollably, and so much, sniffing. That kind of crying you get when you just can’t stop crying even if you really want too. Maybe because it’s so stifled it lands in his body, so he’s stiff, or hunched or shaking a little. And! I feel like it’s so much easier to slip into hyper ventilation when you’re not breathing cuz you’re trying to hold back tears.

I think under Tighnaris care and comfort he’d be a bit more vocal? Maybe? Or!! Or when it gets really bad and he can no longer help it that’s when his sobs sound like, well, sobs. And that’s new territory for nari and cyno both. I think Tighnari would need some serious comfort after all this himself because it’s scary seeing your partner in so much distress even if you know they are okay and kinda just out of it.

I think cyno would try really really hard to communicate well, but he’s struggling cuz he’s sick enough and emotional enough that he’s not quite making the most sense? He’s stumbling over his words and he’s not quite sure how to explain what hurts and in what way- But he knows that he’s worrying nari and so he’ll try his damndest to make sense, and at the very least be honest. Maybe not at first but once they settle into his recovery I think he’d try 🥺

I also was thinking about more comical things Cyno would get upset over? Idk if it’s the vibe at all lol, but if his fever is high enough or if say the meds he’s on add to the loopy ness, I can picture him being very very distraught over just how *pretty* nari is. Maybe not full on crying but I can see him just starting and pouting cuz his partner is just…too perfect??? And if anything happened to him what would he do??? His EARS!! They are so soft- and he falls apart

idk these aren’t as fun as the ones from the other day but oh well lol 😑

WELCOME BACK AHH!!! I'm sorry you had a crying day and I'm sorry to post this so late when you sent it ages ago!!!!!!!! I hope you're feeling better now and if not, I'm sending you all the hugs!!!

This ask has me in a chokehold because I do think about characters crying a lot and I agree with you I don't think Cyno cries much at all. Even though I want to make him cry all the time LOL. Honestly though him and Tighnari both, especially in the canon world, I really have trouble picturing them crying.

100% agree that Cyno would be pretty quiet. My instinct was that he cries without realizing it and that's why he's quiet but I am now obsessed with your (paraphrased) "he is quiet on purpose which can lead to hyperventilating" like. Yes. And that progression to sobbing is really intriguing, definitely seems like something I'd like to explore if I can work it in somewhere!!!

I also headcanon Cyno as being very honest with Tighnari! I could see him downplaying stuff unintentionally - like, he's always a little banged up, so he brushes off discomfort without a second thought sometimes. And he might initially resist Tighnari urging him to look a bit more closely at that, but he'll cave eventually.

I also could definitely see Tighnari having a hard time with Cyno really crying, depending on the situation............ and at the same time I could see him actually being reassured by it. Like, finally, Cyno's letting himself being completely open. Finally he's letting himself be honest and feel things fully. But also Tighnari is going to frequently check his temperature to make sure it's not gotten to a dangerous place to be causing this. And freaking!! Absolutely to Cyno crying over how pretty Nari is and how much he loves his ears/tail/claws/etc. Maybe apologizing for "springing Collei on him" all those years ago and Tighnari is laughing because, like, he adores Collei and is so glad Cyno brought her to him.

I've also been thinking about Tighnari and crying. I picture him as a nonchalant but infrequent crier. Maybe some anxious/frustrated crying in extreme situations, but generally if things aren't going well, he compartmentalizes to figure out a solution. If something is upsetting to him and it's really shocking, maybe he'll shed a few tears without realizing, but then he'll wipe them away and do what needs to be done. If he's in a lot of pain, he'll cry but be really reassuring ("It just hurts a little, don't worry. Could you possibly help wrap this? My hands are a bit unsteady" tears running down his face) to anyone who's around the whole time, while treating his injury if he can. And... I think if he finds out someone he really cares about had something bad happen to them, he'd respond with rage. Even, like, Collei with her Eleazar - if anything worse had happened to her, I don't think his initial response would've been to cry. It would've been "I'm going to fucking murder who or what ever caused this disease." And then when things calm down he'd go to his hut, hide under the covers, curl up into a ball and sob.

Hm. I dunno if you've picked up on this by how much I wrote but. Personally..... I think this was just as fun as your previous asks sdjkfsdjksfj thank you so much for sending ittttt ily <333

[pupuyvs]

hi 👋🏼 im back after rereading the update and other peoples ask lol and sorry for the long rant but i just gotta get these thoughts out 😅 so while i dont agree with what chaewon did, i do agree with 😎 and i get where chaewon is coming from. chaewon said she saw herself building a future with jihye but that was crushed when jihye revealed that she'll be moving away for college - away from chaewon. from chaewons pov it seems like she was the only one thinking long term while jihye was only thinking about this year. and because jihye hadnt given her a heads up on her college choice, it seems like jihye just wanted to be together for the rest of the year and not long term like chaewon. because while jihye was jealous about yeonjun, chaewon was always reassuring her that it was only until prom and she won prom queen (her original plan when finding out prom queen was a thing and WAY before she even knew jihye existed) and then it would all be over and it would just be her and jihye. and every time jihye said she understood (though she was still jealous, she would tell chaewon she was okay every time chaewon would give her a heads up about posting something about her fake relationship with yeonjun). so again chaewon was thinking past senior (long term) and to her it seemed like jihye was too until jihye dropped the bomb about where she was going to college, then now to chaewon it seems like she was the only one picturing their relationship lasting. idk about you but i would be hella hurt if it seemed like me and my partner were on the same page about our future only to be caught off guard with the fact that we arent, so i get why chaewon is so hurt by that.

and i 100% agree with 😎 that chaewon running to jihye would be outta character and her changing who she was did start with dating jihye. but a change as big as not caring about reputation and what others think of you, and growing and releasing yourself from the influences that you grew up with and are ingrained in your mind dont just happen over night. and i think thats where chaewon and ning are different. chaewon met jihye this year and started dating her too (kinda going against what the norm is for people of her status). now ning and karina started dating this year too but ning has had liked karina since forever (i dont think you really specified but im gonna assume probs since she transferred from china so freshmen year) and she has publicly said it but no one believed her because of their different statuses financially and popularity wise. so chaewon really had just this year to try and change while ning had years and was probs fed up with people never believing her to be serious just because she came from money and karina didnt. now when chaewon and jihye fought, and karina breaks up with ning thats when that difference kicks in. chaewon doesnt want to take the risk because she has more to lose than ning. while ning is probs done with everyone telling her her feelings arent real just because the girl she likes isnt rich. and on top of that, ning and karina did date and ning got to be with the girl shes liked since freshmen year but then karina breaks up with her because of her friends - the same people telling ning her feelings arent real. so of course that pushes ning over the edge and she chooses karina over her friends because to her, she'd rather lose that all instead of karina. but chaewons character isnt there yet. yes chaewon was changing for the better with jihye but sadly they didnt have enough time with all the stuff going against them (yena, chaewons dad and friends, and senior year ending) and i think for me thats kinda what makes this angst hurt a even more.

probs in the minority but i am still team chaewon. i believe my girl can overcome this ✊🏼🙂‍↕️

-🦖

first off yall gotta stop apologizing for leaving long asks like this i dont think yall realize how happy it makes me to see ppl analyze the characters i wrote this much

like i legit read every asks especially ones like this with a huge ass smile

secondly yes to all of this while what chaewon did is wrong shes also still young and experiencing love in a way she never had before

i also love how u compared ningrina and jichae (are we calling it that?)

cause there are big differences there ning was never fearful of getting caught she made it clear she wanted her outside people chose not to believe her plus she never truly got along with winselle

side tracking from the comparison i think its also important to acknowledge that while jihyes friend group are close because they chose to be chaewons friend group are close due to their parents who are all well rich people so its not a surprise that there is this much animosity between them and even easier for ning to cut them off

back to couple comparisons i love everyone pting out that chaewon never planned for jihye cause thats the truth if yeonjun and aeri never pulled that prank chaewon wouldve never known who jihye was meaning she never got a chance to get over their popularity differences

now one thing i will pt out about their social classes chaewon never really thought about it too deeply if anything she liked jihyes lack of wealth but i think the fact she never thought about it is also a pt of tension in their relationship

when i thought up of the idea i knew i wanted to tie in their social class more because a lot of aus never really wanna touch on it (understandable it can be kinda heavy at times) but i felt it was important to show that that difference is not something small cause while chaewon can imagine a life of her attending *insert expensive college here* because she realistically can jihye cannot not (which ties into the imagining their futures together and what not)

i kinda rambled and idk if it makes sense since im half asleep rn (i will elaborate better tmrw)

to wrap this up: jichae endgame 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️