#and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dragons-and-yellow-roses · 3 months ago

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I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.

I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.

Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?

#i should be able to block all music i listened to on Spotify from 2018-2020. i was not doing well and i dont need the reminders pls #im fine this was just kinda reflective #so much of what i do was inspired by her. i havent spoken to her in three years. we havent been friends for five #but my first painting was a gift to her. i started knitting because she knitted. i got so much music from her #we bonded heavily over music. and i used it to cope after she left. so unfortunately shes mixed into so much of it #she got me into dnd which got me into a different ttrpg im playing now (unknown armies)#shes a big reason i applied to the summer camp i worked at for six years #and a big reason i took the position i had the last two years. and the reason i told our camp legend (long story)#she was in my christmas in july gift i gave and received this year #i dont think ill ever be able to forget her. on good nights thats a good thing. its reassuring. she'll always be with me #but on bad nights. i feel like im never going to stop missing her #i was knitting tonight while listening to music. as the post suggests. and i was just overcome with her #this is the bed i was in when she called and left me. this is the bedroom we used to video call to practice sign language in #oh theres another one. i was going to be an asl interpreter. years ago in another life. i always practiced with her #we're both autistic and asl is easier than speaking a lot of the time #fuck. it reminds me of the ship of theseus. its 2:30am so i wont be able to explain well but #no actually i tried and i cannot explain. youll just have to understand. some days i wish i ciuld replace all the parts that were her #and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her #if i ever consciously decided to stop knitting (which i may have to do soon) it will feel like im replacing a board that was hers #how many of my boards are hers? are any of hers mine anymore? how many of hers can i lose before shes gone?#that last one was asked with fear and hope. and fear. depending on the day #god im tired. goodnight

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