#grief conversations

[slavicafire]

Dear Slavicafire,

If fate may have it, please bestow me with your patience and wisdom, as it seems I have found myself in a situation.

You see, a dear and precious soldier, a part of my family, passed away after two months of restlessness. I've been in such great emotional and spiritual agony that I've been unable (moreso unwilling) to go out, to talk to people, to eat, to read, anything but sleeping, and painting in complete silence. It is the only way I can let time heal me, and I will need a lot of time.

So, I find myself trapped by no other than my friends. They know how I am. They know me from my introversion to my coping mechanisms and still they have persistently refused to let me rest and weep. It's not about checking on me, it's about asking me to go out. To party. For coffee. To a public pool. I expressed my sadness, I never respond to their 'Are you okay? 's and I can SEE they realize I am not.

Day after day, they persist.

I'm at a breaking point where I may shun them from my life with no other warning anymore and maybe re-appear to what has been left in a month or two. I decided to be the better version of myself and hold on just a little longer just to see what happens.

How do I carefully tell them to kindly leave me alone to mourn when they know I need the time and distance already (explicitly stated) and that they cannot be of help at such a time?

All my kindest wishes to you, and may you rarely encounter the unfortunate events I have these days.

first, I am very sorry for your loss - and for the way your grief is misunderstood, too.

now, the thing is about grief is that no one else can fully understand what you are going through - it's not something that can be described perfectly to another soul, and two people can be utmost alike in every aspect yet their grief will not be the same. but still, people want to understand - and they want to help, even if they do it awkwardly or do more harm than good. your friends have the best intentions - and grief, sticky thing, affects them too, even if in the smallest of ways. they care about you and they want to help - just expressing your sadness or not replying to their questions is not enough for them to even begin to understand your grief.

instead of shutting them off, you must give them a way to help with your grief. it might sound tough or unfair, but it is something that we owe to our friends.

you must give them a way to help you that meets two criteria: it's something that you need, one, and two, it's something they can provide. silence and leaving you alone isn't the solution - it might be what you feel that you need, but it's not something they can provide.

explain to them, even if briefly, that hounding you to get out and go out isn't what you need from them right now, and then tell them: what I need from you - phrase it directly, that you do need this from them - is X and Y and Z.

now, think about that XYZ. perhaps it's running some errands for you when you don't have the strength to do it. ordering dinner to your house so you don't have to cook on a weekend. perhaps helping you clean when dishes or laundry pile up, or walking your dog, or even making sure that your friend group has support in each other and everyone keeps the others in check so they don't become overbearing towards you.

you know your situation and you know your friends - give them some way to help. sometimes, even if the face of overwhelming grief, thinking about how to keep your friends busy might be a welcome break from the silence and the painting, on your own terms and in your own tempo.

best of luck, dearest stranger, and might your grief ease soon, taken in by the soil of your heart and tended until it's not a dead seed anymore. stay strong.

[acourtofquestions]

Celaena hadn't realized she was crying until she tried to take a deep breath. Saying that she was sorry didn't feel adequate. She knew what this sort of loss was like, and words didn't do anything at all.

Ansel slowly turned to look at her, her eyes lined with silver. She traced Celaena's cheekbone, where the bruises had once been.

"Where do men find it in themselves to do such monstrous things? How do they find it acceptable?"

"We'll make them pay for it in the end." Celaena grasped Ansel's hand. The girl squeezed back hard. "We'll see to it that they pay."

"Yes." Ansel shifted her gaze back to the stars. "Yes, we will."

[xia0ming56]

If you're taking requests, Erasermic with short hair? Love your art!

Aaa i missed drawing them 🥹 sry for the wait! I swear i was gna leave it as a sketch but then i got carried away n added some colour💀 hope u like it!! :D

[canthandlethishit]

tim: the longest lasting, most stable relationship I’ve ever had is with depression

jason: mine’s spite

dick: I meant like romantic relationships but go on

[grandcovenant]

who's pulling the strings of the puppet king?

[stormbros]

How am I supposed to act like I'm fine when Dorian "Orym's my moral compass" Storm got snapped at for speaking up and immediately shut down and checked out of the conversation

[caeslxys]

I’ve mentioned this elsewhere but it feels relevant again in light of the most recent episode. Something that’s really fascinating to me about Orym’s grief in comparison to the rest of the hells’ grief is that his is the youngest/most fresh and because of that tends to be the most volatile when it is triggered (aside from FCG, who was two and obviously The Most volatile when triggered.)

As in: prior to the attack on Zephrah, Orym was leading a normal, happy, casual life! with family who loved him and still do! Grief was something that was inflicted upon him via Ludinus’ machinations, whereas with characters like Imogen or Ashton, grief has been the background tapestry of their entire lives. And I think that shows in how the rest of them are largely able to, if not see past completely (Imogen/Laudna/Chetney) then at least temper/direct their vitriol or grief (Ashton/Fearne/Chetney again) to where it is most effective. (There is a glaring reason, for example, that Imogen scolded Orym for the way he reacted to Liliana and not Ashton. Because Ashton’s anger was directed in a way that was ultimately protective of Imogen—most effective—and Orym’s was founded solely in his personal grief.)

He wants Imogen to have her mom and he wants Lilliana to be salvageable for Imogen because he loves Imogen. But his love for the people in his present actively and consistently tend to conflict with the love he has for the people in his past. They are in a constant battle and Orym—he cannot fathom losing either of them.

(Or, to that point, recognize that allowing empathy to take root in him for the enemy isn't losing one of them.)

It is deeply poignant, then, that Orym’s grief is symbolized by both a sword and shield. It is something he wields as a blade when he feels his philosophy being threatened by certain conversational threads (as he believes it is one of the only things he has left of Will and Derrig, and is therefore desperately clinging onto with both bloody hands even if it makes him, occasionally, a hypocrite), but also something he can use in defense of the people he presently loves—if that provocative, blade-grief side of him does not push them—or himself—away first.

(it won’t—he is as loved by the hells as he loves them. he just needs to—as laudna so beautifully said—say and hear it more often.)

[flamingostalker]

Should literally be illegal for me to go to work today I should be here

[anghraine]

Fun fact: Imrahil of Dol Amroth is only ever described in LOTR as Denethor and Faramir's "kinsman", with no distinction ever made between how he's related to Denethor vs to Faramir. It's only later, when Faramir briefly thinks of his long-dead mother, that she is called "Finduilas of Amroth" and we can deduce that the family connection was likely between Denethor's wife and Imrahil, making him an in-law of Denethor but blood relative of Faramir. We're still not told exactly how Imrahil and Finduilas were related, though.

I always had the impression of a certain degree of tension between Imrahil and Denethor, and also of Imrahil being particularly concerned for Faramir, but his exact relationships with them are quite vague in the narrative. A lot of the names, dates, and family connections among the members of the house of Dol Amroth that we now accept as a matter of course are mainly from a separate document published in Peoples of Middle-earth that explains the most probable origin story for the house of Dol Amroth and has an attached family tree. IIRC the entire existence of Faramir and Éowyn's son Elboron is based on his inclusion in the Dol Amroth family tree in POME and he's never referenced in LOTR (and possibly not in anything else, actually?).

Tolkien definitely did imagine Imrahil and Finduilas as siblings regardless (e.g. I think he mentions it when observing that Denethor's natural beardlessness as an Elrosian Dúnadan would be reinforced in Boromir and Faramir by their additional Elvish heritage through Imrahil's sister), but he didn't actually say it in LOTR.

I do think it's important, though, because it's with this later information that Imrahil taking charge of Faramir's fallen body is conclusively revealed to not be simply a prince rescuing a vague "kinsman" of political/military importance, but specifically a man carrying his dead sister's last surviving child from a battlefield.

(No wonder he and Éomer bonded so much, honestly!)

[haunted-xander]

So. Fatebreaker, right? Ryne's biggest fears made manifest, daddy issues personified, yes?

He's an amalgamation of Thancred and Ran'jit, his face, his voice and his weapon is Thancred's, but his body, his fighting style and his words are Ran'jit's.

Throughout the fight Fatebreaker constantly makes comments about how only he can protect Ryne, only he can provide for her, only he has even the right to so much as stand beside her, to be in her general presence. He's possessive and obsessive, repeatedly asserting that she is HIS and his only. Which is exactly what Ran'jit says basically every time we encounter him.

But this time it's in Thancred's voice. This time it's with the voice and face of a man she actually cares about.

Ryne isn't scared of Thancred, she never has been. Even when she first met him she was barely even nervous (as clearly shown in Thancred's short story). There's a lot of different feelings happening between those two, but fear has never been one of them.

But now, after things have gotten so much better, she is scared of Thancred becoming like Ran'jit. Because if Thancred was just a little further gone, if he was just a little less compassionate, he would've. It wouldn't be hard for him to go down the same path as Ran'jit did, to be incapable of letting go of the ghost of that girl he loved so so much to the point he'd stubbornly grip anything close to her he could. He didn't, but the fact he could've is terrifying.

It makes his final words, words that are Thancred's, so very important. This is her deepest fears made manifest, but he still says he wants her to be happy. Her happiness not only matters, but is important to him.

[carlyraejepsans]

Out of curiosity what instantly ruins a soriel fic for you? I promise this isn't for my own fic 😁

Sans remembering resets. Not even a Soriel specific thing, I catch one whiff of it in any UT fic and it immediately kills any interest I might have had in it. Same with Sans being suicidal (he is not. lmfao)

But let's see, Soriel specific... hm. It's hard to explain what it is that they do wrong specifically. But there's a brand of h/c fics with sans being the comforted where you can tell the author has not taken into account everything that is also wrong with Toriel. She's just there to offer comfort, which I'd argue is something Sans would do more often with how evasive and private he is about his own issues (and how we have literal in canon examples of him comforting her instead, even before they officially met each other)

[piecanl]

Do you think Tubbo would recognize the path Bad is going down, because it's one he's already walked down on?

This self-destructive behavior coming from a broken heart?

He hasn't seen Bad at his best, before the eggs got kidnapped. He's seen him a victim to grief more than a father. It's why the blue staining Bad's being isn't out of the ordinary.

But suddenly he starts carrying flowers to remind him of the love he lost, suddenly the void calls out his name even louder and suddenly Tubbo sees himself in the older demon.

And it's scary, because suddenly he sees what he has become, how it affects others.

And for the first time of many, he sees Bad walk down a road he's paved. For the first time of many, Bad is the one repeating Tubbo's mistakes.

[lizavet]

more of me memorializing my friends' stupid conversations as Undertale characters.

[letitbehurt]

Thinking about nicknames or pet names for Whumpee being absolutely ruined by Whumper.

Where Whumpee was once fond of Caretaker using their shortened name, now they can’t stand to hear it. Now they’re afraid of endearing terms like dear, or love, or sweetheart, because it was what Whumper called them.

[faceofpoe]

In the Tech feels this week but

I think one of the wildest dimensions of the Tech's-death-was-poorly-handled conversation is like...

There is Never a mention of how the hunt for Omega is also the hunt for Crosshair (or, ya know... it should be anyway).

Like sure I'll buy the 'cut our losses, protect the family that's left' initial reaction to losing Tech but then Hemlock has Omega too and it's like...

IDK a way to honor Tech's sacrifice is to maybe think also about recovering the person you were trying to find during the mission that cost his life??? The mission Tech himself pushed for???

Omega gets taken and the emotional weight of the episode immediately pivots from Tech's death to oh-no-gotta-get-her-back but then *also* steps on the emotional weight of the whole reason they went to Eriadu in the first place and it's just ??? These things are all inter-related!

And then we just get *stink-eye glare* episode 4 ending like oh yeah that fucker lol. Whatever.

[alsklingwille]

i wonder if this scene has something to do with wille’s grief. wille appears to have all of his walls up and seems really angry or shut down in this scene. it could be directed at simon, but i think it’s likely and in character for him to be going through something deeper internally and unable to express that others yet. maybe it’s some kind of pressure building that he’s disappointing erik if he’s considering abdication? and maybe simon said something that hit a nerve and that’s why simon feels helpless - cause now wille’s shut him out. we’ve seen this behavior before in wille quite literally shutting his mom out of erik’s room to have a moment of missing his big brother, so it’s safe to say that’s a defense mechanism when he feels like someone doesn’t understand. and he seems to be having other moments in s3 where he’s also extremely frustrated and dysregulated, so could be a bunch of things boiling up at once.